Memoirs of a WrestleZone Moderator by Uncle Sam
- Thread starter Uncle Sam
- Start date
Neither of you are anything like Jake.
Father:_Polley
Fun's my Chinese neighbour's name
I did mean a named footnote. Just for that...
I, Stephen S Polley, firmly believe that 300 is the greatest film ev...
I thought I could, but I can't
Father:_Polley
Fun's my Chinese neighbour's name
I think I aimed too high. Maybe I should start small, maybe along the lines of Gerard Butler is an average actor.
Father:_Polley
Fun's my Chinese neighbour's name
Hmmm, yes, he's definately up there with John Travolta in that regards. I'd say it's more to do with desperation to make money before people realise he can't act
Father:_Polley
Fun's my Chinese neighbour's name
And all you need are steroids, facial hair and the ability to sound grumpy all the time. You've already got number 3 down
Kanye South
YEP YEP YEP WHAT IT DO
At first I thought this was going to be pointless boring banter, but right now this is the best thread on the forums.
Chapter 5: Y 2 Jake
Before I go into details on my exact feelings on Jake - which I promise I will do by the end of this chapter - I'll give you a run through of how you, too, can become a Jake clone. Aside from Luther, I'd like to think I'm the only person to successfully pull it off, though I'm not a pure clone.
1) Come up with a ridiculous backstory
One of the things that make Jake Jake is his incredible backstory, which he's shared with us in bits and pieces over these past few years. Assuming it's all true - which would be truly incredible - he's led quite a life. Just some of the things which make up Jake's backstory:
He used to own a porn store. Of course, that used to be in the present tense. Never underestimate the money people will pay to see an attractive person naked. He currently sells porn out of his garage.
He's now setting up a new business, apparently. A tattoo parlour.
Other sources of the Y 2 Jake fortune include selling faulty shoes on eBay and making his mobile number available to the people of WrestleZone as a helpline of sorts.
He has a daughter, Amber, who took over his account when Jake briefly died. She's half-Asian and enjoys Micro Chips and parsnips. Or something.
Jake was, unsurprisingly, married to an Asian lady. She cheated on him with, I believe, a postman. Jake hit said postman. Not hard, but hard enough to know he was "displeased".
Jake has friends who he refers to as Team Jake. They don't know this.
Jake owned a duck. It died. We mourned.
Jake has a cat. Probably still alive. Has unexpected self-confidence.
Jake owns thousands of DVDs; 1/9 of which aren't porn.
Jake is real life best friends with Jonny B. No, not really. But he said it once.
Jake has no testicles. It's excessively comfortable and he recommends it.
Jake smokes "because it's cool".
Jake has/had a lawyer girlfriend that uses him for sex and annoys him. He offered her to me.
I think that generally covers it.
2) Use more full stops (periods if you're American) than commas
Though I think Jake does this as a grammatical mistake, it creates a voice. It's as if every one of his posts is full of sarcastic dramatic pauses. I now purposely use full stops to create dramatic effects. Sometimes I'll leave a line and then just type on word, for the impact.
Seriously.
3) Use smilies very, very sparingly
Sparingly to never, that is. Jake stands by the fact that all you really need is a
and a , but doesn't even use them. If you don't feel you're posts with shit like this 
then you won't look like such a twat. To try and create an air of cynicism with 
is ridiculous - you're trying too hard.4) Never let anyone know that you try or you care
I often slip on this one. Jake, however, never does. I'm the JD to his Dr. Cox. You all watch Scrubs, right? How can you be no nonsense if you give a shit about stuff? You can't. I'd like to think that Jake cares deep down, and he's admitted to caring about things other than the forum. I know he loves me really.
5) Posting on a wrestling forum is ridiculous and so should be treated as such
If you go out of your way to try and give such silly things meaning, you need mental help. This is not a job and definitely not something you should put your life on hold for. Any other view would make you look like an emo kid... Jonny.
6) Don't make it obvious where your inspiration is from
Not really a Jake thing but I can see you all coming up with seriously unfunny threads with 'humorous' back stories in. No. Bad. Pace yourselves.
7) Have a dry sense of humour
Americans will find this particularly tough. If it weren't for his sense of humour - and the fact that he cares, xfear would pretty much be Jake. This is why dropping the smilies and all that pretence about caring about the goings on of a wrestling forum are so important. Most posters run around like headless chickens trying to be funny and failing miserably in the process.
8) Be quietly manipulative
Making people look like idiots takes subtlety and patience, kids.
That's all I can think of right now. When I became a Jake clone, I copied him without thinking about it much - hence why I can't give you all the details on his mannerisms. Now into the meat of it:
For about the first year or so I was on WrestleZone, I was intimidated by Jake. Y'know, as intimidated as you can be with someone on the other end of I thought Jonny was a bit of a dick and posted well because I wanted to look good, not because I wanted to show off to the mods. Until he PM'd me, offering to make me a moderator, I'd had very little direct contact with Jake. He was just this distant figure that was revered by everyone on the forum. I thought that if I wasn't on his good side, I was fucked. Here I have what I believe is the first record direct communication between Sam and Jake:
Y 2 Jake said:
Uncle Sam said:
You can see this is before I became a full fledged Jake clone. I'm not quite sure how me and Jake got the stage where I have a thread dedicated to chatting with him. All I know is that Jake is the person that has come closest to being someone I like without ever having met them. Xfearbefore and NorCal are alright, Becca's friendly enough, Colamania's fun to play with but Jake is the one person I actually enjoy conversing with.
Which brings me to how I think that Jake is, in fact, just a massive master manipulator. The amount of times I've seen him make you - yes, you - look like an idiot without you even realising it is beyond count. Being able to partially see through his facade, Jake is playing the long game with me. One day he'll reveal he's been making me look like an idiot all this time. I secretly suspect that this is just a dummy forum where he plays all the posters and where he's tricked me into thinking I'm a semi-popular G-Mod and that the real WrestleZone is hidden from me. Would not put it past him.
But yes, I'm a Jake imitator. More of a thief, really. Read something something of mine and thought "Oh, that's funny/interesting/true"? I probably stole it from Jake.
<3
Cena's Little Helper
Mid-Card Championship Winner
The Jake chapter is a big letdown. I thought I would be getting Martin Amis with this memoir. Instead, I get Iain Banks.
Kanye South
YEP YEP YEP WHAT IT DO
Occasionally, I try to be Sam in the Non-Spam Sections.
It has worked to some degree. Sam green repped me once for talking about my penis all throughout one of my posts in the Official John Cena thread.
It has worked to some degree. Sam green repped me once for talking about my penis all throughout one of my posts in the Official John Cena thread.
In realtime, yes. It's still more than Jesus ever said.
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