Motaste Junk - Stop your brain thinking for 168 seconds

[Tastycles]

It happens all the time. I appear to be a suicide magnet. This is at least the fourth time it's happened, including on the way to my last exam at uni.

 

[Tastycles]

As part of my mission to marry Hadley Freeman, I have joined twitter. However, I can't start tweeting while I've got two followers (although one is Guardian fashion, being the trendsetter I am), otherwise I'll look like I've only joined twitter in some vain attempt to marry Hadley Freeman, and not because I'm a social butterfly. Help me out, and I guarantee it will be at least as good as my Facebook statuses. @king_garthur

 

[Lee]

I am now following you on twitter.

 

[Tastycles]

So went on a weird sort of date situation today while my friend was there. Anyway, not being well versed in such events, one topic of conversation was "which animal would you shag if you had to?" and following on from the twitter chat du jour, "would you rock your socks off with foxy Knoxy?" Went down surprisingly well.

 

[Lee]

Did she say it would be to die for?

 

[Uncle Sam]

People don't actually call you King Garthur, do they? They should. Great White Sam is struggling to catch on in my social circle.

 

[Lee]

Because we just got used to Fireman Sam

 

[Tastycles]

Nobody has ever called me King Garthur in my entire life, no. Most people I grew up with call me Gaz, my family call me Gareth or Garth and my posh school friends call me Gar and a variety of offensive nicknames, largely referring to my large head or welshness.

 

[Lee]

You're saved in my phone as Garth Tastycles and Samuel is saved as Sam Uncle.

 

[Tastycles]

Surreal. In Starbucks sitting next to alex jones off one show and her strictly dance partner talking about a load of celebrities. Steve jones looks fat, apparently.

 

[Lee]

Have they slagged off Savage yet?

 

[Tastycles]

No. They were kissing his dance partner's arse though.

 

[Tastycles]

Well, it gets better. She stands up, and I check her out, naturally. I'm thinking, I know that outfit, where have I seen it before? So, she turns around, and then I remember, in exactly the same Starbucks about 3 hours previously. I had noticed an attractive girl walk in, and I thought "she needs to sort her nipple erection out", and then went about my day. I'm like a living ring of shame from heat magazine.

 

[Uncle Sam]

Oh, the one that I thought was still Christine Bleakley until about a fortnight ago. I know here. Nice nipples?

 

[Lee]

So you're now a paparazzi?

 

[Good Golly It's Ollie]

A variety of offensive nicknames, largely referring to my large head or welshness.

Welshness? Is that mostly Welsh or just a little bit Welsh?

 

[Uncle Sam]

I know her, I meant to say. I know here too, mind you. It's my living room.

 

[Tastycles]

Oh, the one that I thought was still Christine Bleakley until about a fortnight ago. I know here. Nice nipples?

Yes.

So you're now a paparazzi?

No, I didn't take any pictures or note down anything she said. Her general demeanour and voice are remarkably similar to Bawwwws though, so it was a bit of a strange situation to find myself in.

Welshness? Is that mostly Welsh or just a little bit Welsh?

Less Welsh than Alex Jones, more Welsh than Vinny Jones.

I know her, I meant to say. I know here too, mind you. It's my living room.

Top tip: By turning BBC1 on at 7pm, you will be able to create the illusion that she is in your living room. With the Geordie bloke off Blue Peter.

 

[Good Golly It's Ollie]

Less Welsh than Alex Jones, more Welsh than Vinny Jones.

That's the safest level of Welsh. Actually I retract that statement, Ian Hislop is the safest level of Welsh.

Top tip: By turning BBC1 on at 7pm, you will be able to create the illusion that she is in your living room. With the Geordie bloke off Blue Peter.

Does this also work for Fiona Bruce?

 

[Tastycles]

That's the safest level of Welsh. Actually I retract that statement, Ian Hislop is the safest level of Welsh.



Does this also work for Fiona Bruce?

Probably.

Went to the polish shop on the way home, about to enjoy "Pizza z Salami"

 

[Uncle Sam]

Beats chicken goujons. Is that how you spell goujon? Could check the packaging, won't.

 

[Lee]

Probably.

Went to the polish shop on the way home, about to enjoy "Pizza z Salami"

Was Mr. Sheen there?

 

[Tastycles]

ONE SHOW IS ON!!!! SHE'S CHANGED HER CLOTHES.

For the record, I was closer to her than Will Ferrell is now, but further away than the bloke from Rogue Traders.

 

[Tastycles]

Pizza z Salami was a disappointment, if I'm honest.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I'm genuinely surprised, though I'd need to know how high your expectations were to begin with.