Well, I was right again. Let's just say that after watching Wrestlemania this year, I want my money back. Funny thing is...I F**KING STOLE IT! Talk about a colossally piss-poor booking order. I also loved JR's comments about how the booking style has changed. God, JR, you are a f**king ******. Hey, J.R., I've got a question for you: If this newfound booking order strategy is so amazingly accepted, then why the hell is business in the commode? Answer me that, you dimwit.
Well, now that's off my chest and I can begin talking about how good this show would've been had I chosen the booking order and me basically crapping over most of it's below-par execution.
MITB - Solid match that belong WAY further up the card. You never start off a PPV with a match like this. Almost nothing can follow it correctly unless it's involving a World Title. Amazing work from Finlay, I must say. I also give mad props to Edge for taking the Swanton and completely eating $hit at Jeff's expense. I'm most impressed with Orton's "night of a thousand RKO's" segment and CM Punk & Kennedy's moments near the end really impressed me.
Kane vs. Khali
This is like taking two turds and mashing them together in your hands to try and build something meaningul. No matter what you try and sculpt from it, it's still made of $hit. Plus, it's so horrible that when you're done, there is still poop in your fingernails. Hell, for me would be to get locked in a room and watch this match and the Ladies Championship match from later in the evening in a perpetual and infinite loop.
Chris Benoit vs. MVP
I will say that this match should've went longer and contained more insane spots as it wore on as the ending was bland and completely lackluster. MVP proved me wrong and then some. I definitely wouldn't mind these two trying to wrestle like this in the future, but what we saw is probably a fluke and will not be duplicated any time soon.
Batista vs. Undertaker
Well, Batista proved me right with this one. Fortunately for me, Callaway brought his A-game and salvaged a potential disaster with a solid performance. Batista still moves like a bicep with eyeballs and I could definitely tell that Taker was calling the spots. I'm so glad Batista lost clean, too. It's the first time I've legitimately smiled at ANY WWE programming in as long as I can remember. The fans were also undeniably against Batista in every way, shape and form. Rightfully so, because his ascension is the company's downfall and needs to be stopped post haste. Runner up as my favorite moment in this was seeing Undertaker bust out the old Superman plancha and knock Dave on his steroid-fueled behind. My favorite point of the match was right after Taker got the win, and he looked straight at referee Charles Robinson and told him to get Batista out of there. Priceless. Ha, ha, Dave. Eat $hit. Loser.
ECW vs. WWECW
Not as bad as I expected, but placing this match after the MITB and not even letting these guys use the typical ECW weapons of choice was f**king lame, to say the least. However, I was tickled pink when the arena joined in the "RVD" chant. The rematch on this last ECW was the match that should've been held at Wrestlemania.
Battle of the Billionaires.
I hate Donald Trump. There, I've said it. With that out of the way, his vocal reactions during this match nearly made me kick my Samsung dead-center (if I was rich enough to do so, I'd have really Bruce Lee'd that motherf**ker). As for the scripting of the match, it was very tight and was honestly the saving grace of a lack of flavor and vocabulary on the part of Lashley. My two favorite bumps in the match each involved Lashley or Umaga shooting through or over the ropes and smacking the outside floor the hard way. I still want to throw up in my mouth a little every time I see Shane's dumb ass rip off the Van Terminator. In summary, this match exceeded my expectations. Too bad I had none.
Womens Title Match
Next.
WWE title
I'm going to be honest. My level of respect for what Michaels can do to a crowd and how well he can elevate someone's game is amazing. Early on in the match, I was amazingly entertained by some of the spots, in particular the first exchanges when Cena was missing and Shawn was lighting his chest up like a Christmas tree. However, my hatred and distaste for Cena and the cumulative direction of the company reached an apex midway through this match. Why, you ask? The largest grievance I have about Cena's $hitty attempt at wrestling was when Shawn laid a $hit-kicking on Cena's left leg (the knee in particular) that'd make Ric Flair jealous (...and I'm talking Flair in his prime). After minutes of getting his leg stomped into oblivion, he just gets up and starts pulling his lame-ass Superman routine like somewhere between here and there he found a new leg. Michaels threw him bones all night long and with this one could've really cemented him, but it went way over John's flat-top. Just so WWE and all the hapless Cena marks can understand: CENA IS A FAILURE. FAILURE. Funny thing when the prime babyface in the company gets booed out of the building and an old burnout has to carry him the distance at Wrestlemania. Oh, and the ending of this match sucked balls. Not just because Cena went over...but because after all the buildup Michaels pretty much orchestrated, Cena ruined it by applying his "submission" hold.
As for how I'd have booked this card with the given matches at my disposal?
1. Chris Benoit/MVP - time limit of 20 minutes and more near falls with heavier-duty high-impact moves towards the end. They set what I considered to be the most natural rhythm in any of the night's encounters, but the ending was a complete crotch-stain that belongs on Shotgun Saturday Night or WCW Prime. Hell, just for kicks I'd have made this an Iron Man encounter.
2. ECW/New Breed - time limit of 20 minutes that would've focused on creativity in the use of things like chairs, tables, tacks, and other numerous goodies along with getting the proper build for each wrestler's key spots instead of booking this thing liked rushed filler (which was how it appeared to me). More near falls and it would've been tailored more to the working style that was used in the rematch.
3. Battle of the Billionaires - Play this farce the same way as it was a mainstream attention getter, but I'd have a much more sound ending than the weak-ass spear for the win. Talk about anti-climactic. I also would've had Lashley and Austin shave McMahon AND Trumps heads.
4. Taker/Batista - Same match, just placed at this point. Also, to the camera guy: Make sure you get a close-up on Taker's face when he tell Little 'Naitch to "get him out of here." Then someone surprises Batista in the back with a post-match interview when he's not expecting. Just for kicks, shoot with it and ask him what it feels like to be in the long line of grease-spots who the Undertaker kicked the $hit out of at Wrestlemania. Yeah, that's the ticket.
5. Cena/Michaels - End this with Michaels winning and with someone reminding Cena that getting your knee stomped for five plus minutes straight typically results in a lack of mobility for at least the remainder of your World Championship wrestling match at Wrestlemania. Also, Masa Chono needs to be flown in to teach this dumb ass his own finisher. Then Chono should kick Cena in the face Yakuza style so that I feel better. On the whole, the booking for all of this was a joke and a half. Key workers were left off of the show and some complete garbage made it's way onto it instead. Well, there's always next year.
OOR KANE
sighs) i was hoping to see a nip slip in dis