RP Feedback Thread

Discussion in 'WZCW Roleplay Board' started by sincade20, Oct 1, 2007.

  1. Lee

    Lee Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's Supermod!
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    Callie Clark: Unscripted.

    I voted against you this match, I thought Matt Tastics was better. That said yours was not a bad RP at all. The Ban the Mayhem section was really good and a very Callie character thing. I think the 100 bit would have been better if I watched the show.

    All in all it built story and character but just felt like something was missing. When you're going up against someone like tastic that in itself is a problem. Shame I think you'll lose the title this match. Hopefully you'll get the title soon.

    Callie Clark: Meltdown Madness

    I voted for you this match, I thought Matt Tastics was not better.

    The pressure of title defending was off here nor did you know you'd have a title match. I think that made you relax and not worry. The I felt empty opening was fantastic.

    I was concerned about you bringing back Gabi but this RP showed why she was needed. The two flashbacks helped cement the relationship and gave the needed kick up the ass for Callie. Hopefully you'll keep the title soon!

    Milenkos coming soon!
     
    #2326
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  2. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    War Zone
    (Wildcat66)

    I did enjoy your RP. it may be your best piece ever as of right now. You get more of a look at Troy and you show War Zone is in fact human both of which I think was needed.

    But...

    I noticed you did mention Milenko (who isn't even in the match) but forget Vox (the man you took the title from) all together. I look at it like Chopped and your opponents are the basket ingredients. If you forget to add one of the basket ingredients your chances of winning go down drastically.

    The content may be enough to push you through but it all depends on one of your opponents putting out something worse.
     
    #2327
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  3. Remix

    Remix Is a thin rope

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    Spidey

    First thing first: this is good RP from what I remember. And bare in mind that this is written from the perspective of someone who hasn't followed the thread in 3 or so years so grain of salt hen it comes to storylines and suchlike. In general it was well written, structured in an intelligible way, it flowed nicely and told a nice story that from what I can tell fit in with the match. However it didn't really leap out as me as being 'must read' - there wasn't anything that jumped out that made it seem special. I hate the formatting, but that's a pet peeve of mine and in WZCW it's part of the standard so I can't fault you for it. If you could highlight the speaker in their speech colour the first time it's used that would be helpful.

    Onto the negatives. My biggest problem is that a lot of this RP revolves around stuff that just goes over my head. I don't know who the hell Ramparte is. I don't know what the fuck Cerberus is/was and this RP didn't really do a great job at establishing that either are important, especially in the context of this match. Given the way both were dismissed quickly it makes them seem like they're a sidenote and not worth looking into. I'm also not a fan of the smarky 'noone gives a fuck about you' stuff at the end. It comes off as a mix of insecure and heelish. Which might be what you were going for there but the rest of the RP doesn't seem so. Just gave a mixed message.

    This wasn't an RP that someone like me can appreciate fully. It's an RP for someone that knows who Batti is, her story and can take this RP in as a context of that history and development. Most of what I took from it was positive, even if this has sounded negative. I stand by it not being an amazing or 'special' RP but it was still pretty dang good, even from someone who is ignorant of the history and context of the match.
     
    #2328
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  4. Jeff Deliverer of Mail

    Jeff Deliverer of Mail Money for nothin, chicks for free
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    Logan

    For : Logan vs Eve vs Justin Cooper


    Did I vote for you: No

    But it was damn close. If Eve didn't have that part in the RP about Cooper then I was definitely slapping my vote down for a Logan voctory. What can a guy expect when you're in a triple threat match with two dominant writers/characters like them? And you could have won. This RP is the payoff of the whole Goldman/Logan storyline that's been building in.previous RPs and I loved it. It was like the season finale of a series and Logan got what he deserved even though it was heartbreaking for the character. You feel sorry for the guy that he made the wrong choices with Goldman/career over family and now he's going to have to repair that damage. Bravo!

    That's what was bringing down past RPs IMO because it was all Goldman buildup, we really didn't get any insight to what Logan was feeling back then and they really did seem more like Richard Goldman RPs than Logan RPs.

    I think going forward if you left a building up story out of it (Not saying get rid of a building, continuous story) but focus more on a single RP at a time with a strong Logan theme throughout then you will be successful.

    After all, Logan should be THE STAR of the story and everyone else are the supporting characters.
     
    #2329
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  5. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Vega
    (Infinity [prediction contest winner])

    Did I Vote For You: No

    You didn't get my vote not because you wrote a bad RP but because it's a tag match and both your RP and your partner's RP were better suited for singles matches than a tag match.

    With tag matches I personally prefer a single story between partners but i do realize that's not possible 100% of the time. When it's not possible what i look for is that partners use each other's characters. You and Wren seemed to have tossed each other in as almost an afterthought.
     
    #2330
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  6. Spidercanrana

    Spidercanrana Should've Reinstated The Fox
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    Remix


    This is for your Random RP.

    I'm going to break this up into two sections: What I did enjoy and What I did not


    What I Enjoyed

    Execution. There are two things that I need from a new character. It is far more important to me than overall hype:

    1. Who is this guy?

    2. Why should I care?

    You nailed this fairly well. He's a drifter trying to make something of himself in the ring. Easy enough to get behind a homeless fighter, then you included a little Working Class vs. Upper Class with his spat with Sir Reginald. Now there's foil for the new character, making him look much better than if he was just wandering the street or something. Classic trope that will never get old as long as there's poverty in the world.

    Kept The Content Simple. You also didn't extend the story further and I kind of liked that. Sure, I am willing to bet there was someone reading that got to the end and they said "..that's it?" but for me it was fine. This is still just a Random RP so it wasn't like you had any room to talk about an opponent. A talent scout has people auditioning for WZCW, and he argues with Blazing Tiger, leaving an impression. It is simple, effective, and leaves something to write about if you pursue this further.

    There was no big battle, no over-the-top action, and no overdramatic moments that left me questioning why I decided to read it. Palatable is a good word for the contents of this RP.

    Literary Reference. I'm a sucker for this, personally. The Odysseus "Nobody" reference is cool but that is likely to go over many reader's heads. Playing with fire, but it made me feel all warm and cozy.

    How To Make A Face Have Edge. I'll be honest -every character seemed like a dick. Sir Reginald was a fatcat dick. Peter was a ring general dick. Michael was a primadonna dick. Blazing Tiger was an ungrateful dick, given his position. The reader doesn't have to like the dickish characters to feel for them, though. Blazing Tiger still comes off as the good guy with his interactions with the NPCs, but maybe in the future dial it down a little. It worked well here, because the NPCs were noir levels of asshole, but if you sit Blazing Tiger down with the other wrestlers in the locker room, how long will it be until you had to turn him heel? Just something to stew on.



    What I Didn't

    The Coloring. I was staring into a rainbow, so to speak. I do get the problem you had with my RP and color formatting- it doesn't really add anything and if a reader can pick up a book, they can read black font and be fine. Your problem was just and I agreed with you... but you went ahead and did the exact same thing and that confuses me. Comes off as hypocritical. That and because of the colors it was confusing for a minute to figure out who was speaking, and how important they were. I tend to separate dialogue tags from action because for me this approach is easier on the eyes. It would also help if you gave us their names to start, instead of A bored scout and An ugly man. Names give intimacy. Readers care about getting names more than they will about how bored a scout is or how ugly the man appears to be. Imagine the reader catching up with An ugly man but then a truck runs him over. Bit shocking, but no reason to care because it was just an ugly man. But when Peter gets run over by a truck...well poor Peter. He lived a hard life, being unattractive. Peter was a person, and now he's lying in the road.

    I understand if you were gunning for intrigue (withholding a character's name is all about building the mystery) but here with guys that seem fairly normal it doesn't work well. Exposition first, mystery later. Readers are already engaged in the mystery because this is a new character. Don't tire 'em out early.

    The High Language. God this is a pretty detailed RP, but perhaps too detailed. Take for instance the "good looking mustachioed blonde" Peter had in a hammerlock at the start of the story. He has no purpose other than to be a guy Peter has in a hold before moving on to Tiger, so why does a reader need to know he's attractive, blonde, and has a mustache? Couldn't you get the same result if you used less impactful descriptors, like calling him a younger, fair-haired and whiskered guy? Or just drop an adjective. He isn't important, yet he even has a name. That's just one case of diving deep into description that doesn't matter for this RP. Your selling point is Blazing Tiger, but Michael took up half the RP.

    There is also a lot of telling and not enough showing with this language. You don't have to tell the readers how Sir Reginald Ken II is dripping in wealth. With a name like that, it's already a sucker punch of aristocratic entitlement (He doesn't even go by Jr.!). And with the discussion about how Reggie wasn't going to get in the ring with Blazing Tiger it's clear he's a rich guy. Dialogue is the best way for readers to understand what kind of character they are. Don't need to tell us how Reggie is dripping in wealth and has cufflinks or Peter is some chainsmoking gravel eating talker. Make them talk that way. You did that well with Blazing Tiger and Michael.
     
    #2331
  7. Bernkastel

    Bernkastel Reaper of Miracles
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    Prince Vee

    English is not your first language. I get that. So I can look past how rough the writing was. But even so, it wasn't bad.

    What I liked most about the RP: I really liked your descriptions. You painted a really good picture. Kudos for sticking with short, simple sentences. I find that to be the most effective way to narrate.

    What I liked least about the RP: This RP felt incomplete. Like it was half-done. The RP went a long way to establish Vee's character outside of WZCW, but didn't do much to address his match, his opponents, or his wrestling career. The RP would have been much stronger if you had.

    You did a good job exploring and expressing Vee's emotions away from the ring. Apply those same thoughts and feelings towards the fed itself. You're on the right track. With some tuning, I think you'll have a good showing at LL.
     
    #2332
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  8. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Batti
    (Spidey)

    Did I Vote For You: Yes

    This match was the hardest to vote for which is as it should be with what's on the line.

    I voted for you because of how you're able to write a scene. The fight scene between Batti & Ramparte actually got my heart racing. Falkon is no slouch and wrote what is possibly his best RP in a while but it didn't elicit as much of an emotional response as yours did.

    It also helped yours was around 2,000 words shorter. (yes when RPs are this close I nitpick like that).
     
    #2333
  9. Wildcat66

    Wildcat66 DELETE!

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    Shinchan

    Alright, i'm gonna try this out. Not the greatest reviewer ever, but hopefully I can guide some people into improving their RPs, even just a little bit.

    I'm going to start by getting the elephant out of the room early: Shinchan, your RPs have a problem. It's not the biggest problem I've seen, but I do feel it has an effect on your standing in WZCW.

    It's not that your RPs are bad per-say, they're usually well-written and give us detail on Yemerez herself. But I feel like with this RP especially, that it needs to be said.

    The problem you seem to have right now is that currently, there doesn't seem to be much of a personality with some of your more recent RPs.

    Now, in your defense: This is a problem most RPers tend to have sometimes, we create a character and we give them the necessities needed to succeed, a distinct look, an interesting personality, a backstory and most importantly character development. Right now, you have the look and you have the backstory. I think what's been missing recently has been the development of the character.

    Right now, we have a character that fights to get evil out of WZCW: Simple enough. A bit of a throwback to the 80s good guy with a hint of superhero-ish tendencies to her. That's a good character already.

    So, why hasn't the character...you know...progressed onward? Right now, it feels like we've been hearing the same story told in different lenses. While this isn't the worst way to go about things, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's good either.

    What can be done about this? Well, first off; I would recommend looking at Titus as an example, for a while Titus was a movie star who lived the good life. Then one day, he won the Eurasian title and his character took off in terms of development. We grew to learn even more about Titus than we ever did before and because of this, Titus is now one of the most complete characters in WZCW not just right now, but perhaps of all time.

    Does this mean you should hold onto a title for an insanely long time until it becomes the gimmick? No. It means that there needs to be a spark that adds into your character, an added edge that makes the character hold more 'weight' let's say.

    Your RP right now opens the possibilities for such edges to be added, maybe Yemerez begins to doubt herself, whether or not she really belongs; maybe the recent slumps and trials she has been having end up with her becoming even stronger than she already was. Maybe more cynical, more powerful, who knows? Maybe even better than ever before. Yemerez has potential to do great things, what needs to happen now more than ever is character development. And I promise, if you try to advance her character's personality (with the right amount of pacing mind you), it will pay off for you in dividends.

    Now, there's also the problem with clunky dialogue: But in fairness, a good lot of that is to be expected given where Yemerez lives. However, as an added critique; try to use the right words at the right time and it will help with flow of the RP better. There were times where the flow was disrupted with 'And' and 'Oh. Yeah'.

    Ok, that's everything that needs working on. But what about what worked?

    Well, for starters: I like that you mentioned your recent struggles. Like I just said, Yemerez is currently going through a rough time because she has been defeated quite a lot recently. To a point where Yemerez has seemingly replaced Eve Taylor as a 'Choke Artist' may seem much to some, and admittedly, there were better choices out there than that: But I could understand what it was you were going for there.

    I also like how you did it in the style of a letter/blog post. It was very creative and I would like to see this type of RP done more often. But if I had to choose what I liked the most about this RP is that there seems to be a lot of passion with the character overall, you can tell that Yemerez is dedicated to her craft and what she wants to do with her career. And it's because of this, you can establish a connection with her. This is where she shines the most, you're able to connect with her, relate with her even. And that in turn makes Yemerez a likable character even with the lack of development she has received.

    In conclusion: Again, it's not a bad RP, far from it actually: I'd go as far as to say that it was a needed one. Because this now gives you the opportunity to develop and mold Yemerez into like you said a 'improved, introspected, more focused than ever' star than we've seen before.

    You granted yourself an opportunity to move Yemerez forward as not just a wrestler, but also a competitor. The question is: Will you?

    That's all up to you. Hopefully, I have given you the tips to do so.
     
    #2334
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  10. Skairipa Matrix

    Skairipa Matrix 3 Time Elite Openweight Champion

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    Nothing like the feedback I said I'd give a couple days later than I planned to get it done eh? Anyway here it is.

    Spidey/Batti:
    I'll start off by saying I didn't get a chance to read your last couple RP's so I could have missed some things that lead up to this RP and if so, my bad. I did enjoy this RP, Batti is one of my favorite characters in the fed and I think you do great work with her, but to me it seemed a little extreme for Ram to assault her, even if it was great that Batti viewed it as her final lesson from him. I know Ram and Batti broke up but I didn't think Ram was the type to react like he did, so I wasn't the biggest fan of the story there. On the fiip side I thought your promo on Eve was great and made the RP. Comparing your showdown with her to Eve vs Celeste from KC last year was a very good comparison and Batti showing some fire in her words was nice to see. I think you would have benefited from having a little bit more in this RP but I do think it was good. As a small note, I didn't know who Ray Webber was, possibly from not having time to read your last couple RP's.

    Fallout/Harald:
    I'll start by saying this probably won't be helpful feedback as I didn't see anything negative here, but you asked for feedback and I thought I could tell you the things I liked anyway. When I saw your app I was wondering how you would make the character work because truthfully it doesn't sound like there's a lot there to work with, but I'm already interested in seeing more of him after reading your sample RP. I like that he seems like a very intelligent person as it's not often a big man in wrestling has that trait, and the comedic parts made me laugh with Harald being second cousins with PewDiePie and him reading Fifty Shades Darker and not realizing it at first. This was a fine way to introduce your new character and it should be interesting to see a full RP from him. Also I love that he yells release the kraken before hitting his finisher, with that finisher name I'd expect nothing less.

    K Web/Logan:
    I'll be honest, I don't think this was nearly as good as your last RP. In your last RP, Logan finally stood up for himself and nearly beat down Goldman, so I was a little surprised to see them being somewhat civil here a couple weeks later, but at the same time that shows Goldman is a coward and that works. But you should have had more going on in this RP, my suggestion being showing the accident that you mentioned Brittany having instead of just mentioning it in passing. You also barely mentioned your opponents and that was a downfall to the RP. I know you got crunched for time and might have had more going on here if that didn't happen, but it lead to a disappointing RP. All that said I'm still interested in the story you have going and watching it play out, and I know you can do better than this and will step it up more in the future.
     
    #2335
  11. Jeff Deliverer of Mail

    Jeff Deliverer of Mail Money for nothin, chicks for free
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    VEGA

    The (Almost forgotten, I'm old as dirt...sue me) promised feedback for being the winner of the predictions contest.

    Did I vote for you? No.

    But that doesn't mean I didn't like your RP, I really, really liked it as a matter of fact. If you were in a one on one contest it would be a much harder decision on the vote. The problem is, you were tagging against two of the best
    tag RPs I think I ever read in WZCW. Kagura and Tyrone's stories intertwined and were very excellent. I'm a new reader for Vega and I'm vaguely aware of his killing past with podcast stories told by Dave and others and subtle hints in your RPs about his past days. I'm assuming he was a contract killer or secret agent before, killing people and the like.

    I think your writing skills are scary good, similar to an actual published novelist. One small nitpick is your centered text, I'm not sure why you do it. Is it to stand out or seem unique from the rest? I'd love it if you left aligned it but that's not my choice. Again, it's a tiny nitpick and I don't consider it when voting. You gave me a small, detailed look into your blind NPC who offer slices of Vega's character build. I love the setting, the descriptive nature of your writing and the overall mood of the RP. One thing that it lacks though is WZCW. There's no mention of an upcoming tag match, who he's fighting or tagging with or if he cares about wrestling at all. It just seems a little OUTSIDE of wrestling if you catch my drift.

    Look forward to reading more.
     
    #2336
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  12. Spidercanrana

    Spidercanrana Should've Reinstated The Fox
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    Milenko



    This is for your LL RP. Hope you don't mind, but I figure it's better to give feedback on work that is most current.

    Again I'm breaking this down into what I enjoyed and what I didn't.



    What I Enjoyed

    Practical Use of That Grand. $10,000 isn't much for a business. Let's get that out of the way. But Tony handing it over and telling them to collect outstanding debts that far exceed that amount? Good idea. It was a strange stip that got Tony that money, and I think you made the best use of it you possibly could. Very glad you didn't just leave it at Tony giving them the money in the expectation that it would fix everything. That would have been a tad painful to read.

    Returning To Your Roots. Tony Mancini was a reformed don. This RP showed that the Family had gone to shit and Tony feels he can set it back to the way it was. I don't mind the mental gymnastics it took to see a face character shift to heel in one RP, abandoning the work you had already laid out for him lately. You did briefly mention the Family being in trouble in your last RP, so eh I prefer mafia Tony.

    Understanding the Character. Readers get why he's back with the Family by the end. He can't let go of them. Now that he's a Mayhem Champion, I see that he believes he can do things for them. That confidence shows.

    Simple. You didn't go with anything hard to pick up on. It was laid out in a way that I'm fairly sure everyone could follow easily. Format was fine, spelling was good, punctuation had a few snags, but I left knowing what was going on, how Tony was handling things, etc. This might be the most important thing in an RP. Tell a story and don't go off the deep end with it. I don't need to know how many leaves are on a tree, ya know? Decent job here.



    What I Didn't

    Intro. It didn't add anything that isn't covered well enough after 15 Hours Later. This felt more like just a reason to have Backstage Bob give Mancini the "good job" dialogue. Having Backstage Bob somehow popping in on the Family, or at least cleaning up at their business, would have been a fairly funny little spot to break tension a little. The pat on the back would have fit there, too.

    Opponent Nod. To your benefit, Studd didn't talk about Mancini (though it can be argued that this was intentional, a subversion since his RP definitely mentioned the Family and all). But still, your character was a mob boss first, champion second, and wrestler third. There is something that does concern me lately, and please keep in mind this isn't a gripe at you personally, but many RPers. They write the same kind of way-

    • Small reminder that character came off a win/loss.
    • A drawn out narrative that is either a misadventure or a drama.
    • Brief mention of an opponent and being a wrestler at the very end.

    You're on Creative (congrats btw), so you know exactly what I'm talking about. This is roleplay, and it makes sense for a wrestler to go do whatever he does to make him interesting. But here there was barely anything that told me Tony feared Studd, wasn't scared of Studd, etc. As a champion, that's gotta take priority. Speaking of...

    Mixing Business With Business. I do have a hard time understanding how being our Hardcore Champion will open doors and establish connections for a business. I do get bringing your character down to a criminal underbelly, full of shady dealings and the like, so maybe I'm being picky here. But as a reader who knows that A. Tony was a Face before this RP and B. The Mayhem Championship is the least prestigious of the active titles, it did confuse me as to why you're going this route. Like I said though, I get Tony is turning so for now it doesn't make sense on a narrative level but I figure it will. Just something to consider. Being a champion is a badge of honor, but why would any place of business want the exposure a Hardcore Champion of a wrestling promotion could give as compared to maybe the World or Eurasian? Or even a wrestler in general?

    Actions That Follow Dialogue. This bothered me more than the rest.

    "What are you doing here man," Gino asks with a slightly shocked look on his face.

    "Don't do that Gino," Tony says with anger in his voice.

    "What are you guys staring at," Tony wants to know.

    "Anything Tony," Vito says with a small bit of hopeful optimism in his voice.

    "Get him out of here,"
    Tony said with a look of disgust on his face.

    "Well all that matters now is that you're back where you belong," Gino said with a smile on his face as he ignores the reprimand.

    "What happens if you lose it, Gino wants to know.

    There is a lot of focus on their voices and their faces. This is fine once or twice, but every dialogue tag where there was an expression that followed either did this or was being redundant. It stands to reason when someone asks a question they want to know the answer. That's one of those things the reader will know without being told. I'd lose this form of communication next batch of RPs, bud.
     
    #2337
  13. Dan Severn's Moustache

    Dan Severn's Moustache Patent Pending

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    Vee A.D.Z.

    I'll admit up front, I'm not overly familiar with your character, so my frame of reference is limited when it comes to the rest of your writing.

    I noticed that you seem to mix up your tenses, often alternating between the past and the present, and this is something I find myself inadvertently doing myself when I write fiction. To give you an example of this:

    Wolper may still be, in the present tense, a successful psychiatrist, but when you're recounting a story, you should stick to the one tense to make it clear to the reader for logistical reasons. You do this a few other times in the RP also.

    It also could have been clearer that Vee actually hit Dr Wolper. Perhaps this is just me being unfamiliar with the character, but at first, I thought someone else had attacked Wolper and that Vlad was an entirely separate character, instead of a separate personality of Vee's.

    I really liked Vee's transformation into Vlad on the whole though. I love how Vlad is trying to gain influence and become the dominant personality in Vee's mind, manipulating Vee's mind more and more through a clever use of triggers, and his desire to mess with him as much as he possibly can.

    I also really like how Vlad turns the tables on Wolper, in a "hunter becomes the hunted" kind of way; how Vlad is now the one in the driving seat and Wolper is the one answering questions and the one in need of help. It made Vlad look like a terrifying presence, who can really shake things up.

    Overall, I really enjoyed the second half of the RP, whilst the first part could have been used to build up more suspense, but I think grammatical errors (of which there is a lot, and I think really taking a close look at your work several times before you post it would catch these mistakes) hold it back from being a winner. The potential is there though, and I'm interested in seeing where the Vlad angle goes.
     
    #2338
  14. Prince Vee

    Prince Vee Better than I think I am

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    Harold Var Krigare

    Here are my thoughts on Harold as a character and your LL RP.

    I can give a definitive statement before giving deeper insights on your RP that Harold is going to run havoc in the Lethal Lottery. I wouldn't be surprised to see him making the final four.

    I always admire the descriptive writing. When you give more descriptions about the speaker's expressions and the surroundings, it makes the reading more enjoyable (for me at least). Harold is a new character; no one knows who he is or what he's going to say. It gave me an anticipation before Harold could say his first words in the interview and he didn't disappoint when he spoke.

    Every line Harold spoke was on point and had a meaning to it. I enjoyed everything he had to say, however, some of his statements made me wonder whether he's a face or a heel. It didn't bother me too much, however, because this is your first RP in this character and I think you can go in any direction from this RP.

    I'm familiar with the swedish culture (since my Gf is a proud Swede) that made me wonder whether you had subtly added that pride in your RP. Other than that point, you didn't give any more details about the proud swedish culture or how and why Harold is proud about being a Swede in your RP. Because when I saw your character's gimmick is a pride swedish national, I was expecting to see something which will be related to the northern European culture. Only in that context, I was a little disappointed.

    The only thing that bothered me was the description in the RPs as it went on. As much as I love descriptive narration, it seemed to be reptitive as the RP went on. Perhaps, I felt that as the RP was a tad long? I think there can be a few reasons why the descriptions sounded reptitive. There were only two characters in the entire RP, Leon and Harold and the interview took place in a very simple place which had handicapped you from describing anything more in detail. After a while, my mind only wanted to skip the descriptions assuming that it's not going to give me anything new.

    However, the quality of the RP and the statements made my Harold had overshadowed any flaws. I can be very sure, he'll run havoc in the lethal lottery. I enjoyed it overall and it's in my top 5 list for this round.
     
    #2339
  15. Skairipa Matrix

    Skairipa Matrix 3 Time Elite Openweight Champion

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    Tony Mancini:

    I'll start off by saying I can probably count on one hand the number of RP's I've read for this character and it's been a bit since the last one so I easily might miss some things or get things wrong, sorry in advance if I do. Now onto the RP.

    What I Liked:
    The overall story was good, seeing Mancini lay down the law to his cronies about getting the business back on track was good, as was the use of the money you won awhile back.

    Your formatting is simple and easy to read.

    I like that you mentioned it being a Mayhem Rules Match means Tony can get his lackies to get involved, it makes sense his mind would jump right to that and Tony seems like the type of character who should be willing to do anything to keep his championship.

    What I Didn't Like:
    You made barely any mention of the match at hand, just throwing it at the very end. It seemed almost like you forgot to mention your opponent and realized you should mention Studd so you threw in a couple sentences at the end. Also the reason for Tony wanting to keep the Mayhem Championship didn't really work for me. To meet people all over the world? I know that was meant to connect to the business but why does being a champion effect that? If these people are mobsters why would they care if Tony is a champion and that would effect if they wanna do business with him? I think you could have benefited from saying something like Tony needs to retain his championship because being a champion means bigger paychecks and that's more money for his business.

    The opening scene with Backstage Bob was rather pointless, there was nothing to it and it just felt like filler to make the RP longer. That would have been a good spot to throw in some talk about defending the championship.

    Overall:
    It was a solid RP but nothing special, you really would have benefited from a little more match talk but the story was fine for what it was.

    Titus:

    What I Liked:
    The way you mentioned your opponents was really good, and you covered all 3 nicely.

    Even though this was a long RP, it didn't drag on and you kept it flowing nicely from one part to the next, the oscars for example not being written out was good because it really wasn't needed, but at the same time not having Titus attend them would be odd.

    The comedy bits were funny, the one at the end towards Triple X was my personal favorite, and I was wondering why Vin Diesel got a mention earlier in the RP but after reading that I got it.

    The way you mentioned how everybody says the same thing when facing you was brilliant. I remember telling you on discord how I liked that but seeing it in full in the RP made me like it even more, probably because of the way you got to it with Rosie pointing it out. She's already looking like a good character that will be useful to you going forward.

    What I Disliked:

    I don't know if this is really a dislike as much as a "not sure how I feel about it" type of thing but the fourth wall breaks weren't something I was a fan of. Maybe because it happened multiple times and it felt like too much.

    I think you could have benefited from having a little more going on that isn't match related as that was nearly the whole RP. Not that a lot of match talk is bad by any means, but even the interactions with Rosie and James were just there to talk about the match. I'm not sure what exactly you could have done differently though.

    Overall:
    This was a pretty good RP and I'll be surprised if you don't retain your championship. You broke down your opponents very well and kept things moving nicely. As I said you might have benefited from doing a little bit of a non wrestling related thing but maybe that's just my thinking. Oh and I see you with the little dig at Jam, was clever.

    Kagura:

    What I Liked:
    The story of the RP was interesting with Kagura having to be on her own moving forward with her boyfriend having to go back to Japan. I'm not sure I understand fully the whole story of it but I liked it none the less.

    Once I got past the opening wall of black text, it flowed along nicely and kept things moving.

    The reflecting on the moment she chose to cash in was pretty good. Realizing that some fans would like it and some wouldn't as well as mentioning she might have picked a bad time with having to defend right away against two challengers.

    What I Didn't Like:
    The formatting made it hard to keep focused. I know it's simple and just paragraph by paragraph but I had trouble keeping my focus as it was a lot of walls of black text at the beginning and I had to force myself to sit there and read it all.

    While you did make brief mention of your opponents, you didn't say much about them. Also this might just be a personal thing but I like seeing characters say why winning the title match they're in is so important to them. What does the character think being champion will do for them? Why is being a champion so important to them? Again this might just be a me thing but it's something I would have liked to see here.

    Overall:
    The RP was good, Kagura reflecting on the cash in was probably my favorite part of the RP. I really didn't like your formatting and would have liked to see it broken up a little bit as it would have made it easier to read and focus on.
     
    #2340
  16. Lee

    Lee Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's Supermod!
    Staff Member Super Moderator E-Fed Mod

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    Yemrez Reqonic

    Lethal Lottery is the biggest opportunity everyone in WZCW gets. You win this you have a chance at the world title. You do well you can make a name for yourself. Look at the past winners.

    Now thinking of that your RP was an insult to the match writers as well as the others who wrote RP's. I would rip the RP to shreds if it was a MD/AS RP but for Lethal Lottery? Awful RP, I didn't mark it bottom at the time but I've just re read it there and it's close. Where's Yemrez' zeal to want to win? She's a medal winner, she knows how to win yet can't in WZCW why is that?

    For example I'm going to take the first four sentences of your RP to show you something:


    We see Yemrez standing in the balcony of a hotel.
    - This is quite a common place I have Titus but if you want description build to it. Which hotel? There's plenty in Sydney. Can you see their shitty bridge of the Opera House?

    The air was cold yet they felt soul-soothing to Yemrez. - Poorly written and doesn't make sense. Change they to it, that makes sense. "The air was cold, yet that comforted Yemrez. The cold reminded her of home" there we go reason to care.

    She drinks a full bottle of water.
    Imagine a promo in WWE where someone just drank a full bottle of water, not a sip but a full bottle. A bit absurd right?

    There was a bunch load of stress.
    Why is there stress? You get to it later but as a description it doesn't work.

    The sad thing is this is one of your better RP's and it's awful. The wording is all over and it's not coherent at all.

    Tell us about the Godless Pikne. I know Pikne's an Estonian Godless, but not many others do. Expand that in your RPs. It's no wonder your lottery showing was bad. It's more upsetting that you don't bother taking feedback on board when you really need it.
     
    #2341
  17. Dan Severn's Moustache

    Dan Severn's Moustache Patent Pending

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    Tony Mancini:

    I'm really liking what you've been doing with the Mayhem championship so far. It's fair to say that the Mayhem title has always been considered the lowest title on the totem pole, which is why it was most likely retired after Vega's amazing run with it some years back; it was doubtful that anyone could ever rival that kind of run with the title once Vega inevitably would have lost it, and it's definitely been a case of hot-potato since its revival. But I honestly think that Mancini has all the tools to not only have the best reign with the title since its revival, but perhaps the potential to rival even Vega's legendary reign.

    This was a good RP from you this round, establishing Mancini as a manipulative bastard with his interaction with the shopowner, with clear control over the conversation. I especially like the touch where Mancini suddenly increased the debt by five thousand dollars, leaving the guy speechless, although I do think a bit more doubt from the shopowner would have made this even better, the guy is trying to maintain his family's legacy and gives up just a little too easily; and it would allow Mancini to be a lot more menacing also in his rebuttal of the shopowner.

    The second half pertaining to WZCW was a mixed bag. Starting with the positives, I like the general idea that Mancini is aggravated at the concept of the 8 losers fighting him for the Mayhem championship at Kingdom Come, and I love Mancini's proposed solution, that he's willing to fight, but only on his terms; he'll do business and negotiate, but only so he can get the best result for him and his Mayhem championship reign. I love it, which is why I really have high hopes for your Mayhem reign.

    With that said, I think Mancini's frustration is glanced over. This should be a real opportunity for Mancini to explain what the Mayhem division and championship means to him, why he wants to enhance it, and why he wants to be on top. Instead it's just "I won the Mayhem throwdown." Speaking of glanced over, PC Stevie Broon? This is a great set-up, a foul-mouthed cop against a manipulative mobster, and you really only talk about him for one line, with the rookie jab. I understand you have your story to tell, being your Mayhem title reign and your character's personal arc, but if you're keeping your RP to a certain length, there's some filler that could be condensed for some more focus on your upcoming opponent, like one or two of Gino's lines, or some descriptions.

    Ultimately though, this was a good RP. There were a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but not enough to detract from your writing, and you've clearly got a good grasp of where to take Tony next. Looking forward to where the story goes next.
     
    #2342
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  18. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Callie Clark - AS 126
    (Matrix)

    First let me apologize for taking so long, It was not intentional. Now on to the RP.

    It'd a good RP. no one I've seen can capture that rich bitch persona like you can. That being said there were a few things i didn't like.

    First thing is Gabi. As an NPC she falls rather flat. I understand why she's there i just don't like her. With Callie on her own or with someone other than Gabi it can range from good to great, with her not so much.

    The dinner was my favorite part but I wish you could have combined the last 2 sections and made the dinner longer with more Bates thrown in.

    The last part with Stacey felt tacked on and the information you were trying to get across could have been added to the dinner scene. I'm not a fan of watching/reading passive agressive cat fights and that's all this appeared to be.

    So all in all a good RP but you've done better.
     
    #2343
  19. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Harald Var Krigare - MD150
    (Fallout)

    It was serviceable but this was also a bit of a chore to get through. It was long and didn't really seem to say much that we didn't already know. He's Swedish and he's smart.

    I need more than that though. You don't need to blow you're wad right off but you need to start giving us more soon or it will get old rather fast
     
    #2344
  20. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Blazing Tiger - MD151
    (Remix)

    It was a very long and confusing RP to say the least. A few things popped out to me as exceedingly jarring that I wanted to mention.

    1) Why is Wunderbar there? You brought him back unexpectedly and still haven't told us why. Right now it looks like you brought him back because he's an old character.

    2) Proper English: every time you used the word ain't it was rather jarring and you used it a lot in this RP. Proper Grammar isn't 100% necessary as it can add to a charachter but to much poor grammer whether on purpose or not take away from an RP and makes it difficult to read

    3) Who is Blazing Tiger? You've been back for a good bit now and i still don't know who he is or why he's in WZCW.

    Work on these things and you'll be on the right path. If something didn't make sense or you have any more questions feel free to shoot me a PM.
     
    #2345
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  21. Spidercanrana

    Spidercanrana Should've Reinstated The Fox
    Staff Member Moderator E-Fed Mod

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    K Web

    What I Liked

    Your writing technique is exceptional. There is a decent flow to it that I do enjoy. I noticed this with your character Logan, but when it comes down to dialogue you have a solid idea behind what they say having a lot to do with who they are, and that's important. Props to you for giving your characters a distinct voice.

    The Keith Kole debut RP has a good, original setting and the funny bits were indeed funny. It's good to have NPCs counteract the bravado the main protag shows. It makes the story you're telling better.

    For a debut, it was not terrible.


    What I'm Not Sure About

    Usually I put "What I Don't Like", but this is a brand new character and I don't have a feel for him yet. Touched on a little bit in Discord, but it rings true - Keith Kole does not seem like his own person with his own identity. You lifted a bit too much from Bobby Roode (you did show mannerisms and have the RP use "glorious" about five times). I totally get Keith being full of himself with no training and that is a nice comedic character trait. Not sure how serious you want him just yet, being a first RP, but based on this alone I do not believe Keith Kole is meant to win matches. Hell, all he knows about wrestling is what he saw on TV! While a hilarious idea, I'm not sure what makes him arrogant being a fry cook and all.


    I figure you will flesh him out more down the road, but right now he seems like a character who is way in over his head. A comedy jobber is a compelling read, but if that isn't your end game then you'll need to give your readers more reason to believe that this dog isn't all bark.
     
    #2346
    Dave likes this.
  22. Jeff Deliverer of Mail

    Jeff Deliverer of Mail Money for nothin, chicks for free
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    Feedback from last set of shows:

    Vega:

    The RP as a whole is well written. We find Vega in a New York bar drinking and agent Fields comes in, we learn that Vega is still struggling to find his place in the world of good after such a long time doing dark deeds. Good job with explaining that his path and Tyrone’s are the same. I mean the meat of the RP is his conversation with agent Fields and it was excellent. Full of great lines.....

    Like this one....

    In life, velocity means very little. Acceleration means everything. If you’re going 650 miles per hour in an airplane, you don’t feel it. Happiness means nothing unless juxtaposed against sadness. Eating means nothing until you’ve felt hunger. I look at you right now and you’re stuck on the ground watching the World Champion fly by you at a speed you used to live in.



    There’s really no faults to the RP and I have nothing else to say but, looking forward to reading more.


    ============================================================================================================


    Flex:

    In a match that had every participant bringing their A game, King Flex brought his A PLUS game. THE STATE OF THE FLEX address RP is pretty simple in idea, it’s King Flex addressing his employees at a podium. This could have easily been a MISS if the character wasn’t engaging or droning on with pointless paragraphs. But it wasn’t a miss. Flex tells everyone that they aren’t a health fitness joint anymore, they’ve become bigger than that, it’s Flexamerica time! Flex’s commentary coming on the end states that he’s against Immigrants with jabs at his opponents. I’m looking forward to more King Flex RP’s with your unique ideas, very entertaining story you have going on right now.
     
    #2347
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  23. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Callie Clark
    (Matrix [K.C. IX RP])

    Out of all the RPs for the Elite Openweight Championship this one was my favorite. You transitioned from scene to scene very well and once again play the rich bratty bitch to a T. Other than me just not liking Gabi much this was great.

    Keith Kole
    (Kweb)

    It really is a decent debut RP but as has been said already it comes off as a Bobby Roode clone. Use him as inspiration if you wish but steer clear of the more obvious & blatant mannarisms from now on and you'll be alright.

    King Mussél
    (Dynamite)

    I enjoyed it and am actually excited to see where you're going with Flex. Politics isn't my favorite topic but you write it in a way that does hold my interest as I read so it's not jarring for me.

    Keep up the good work.

    Lynx
    (Dagger)

    I'm going to be honest. This was a bit of a chore for me to get through. The time references don't mesh with everything else and because of that it is a bit jarring and takes me out of the story.

    Now onto your 'futuristic facts.' A nice idea but I thought the first one was rather cheesy. I like the idea of a future where everyone speaks a single language but why Al Bhed? I get that you like Final Fantasy but a fantasy language people can actually learn would have gone over better in this spot.

    This last piece of advice i hope you take to heart. Write for yourself but never forget people have to vote on it. It seems you've forgotten the last half and it shows in your writing.

    Vega
    (Infinity)

    This is my favorite RP of yours since you came back. Vega's gimmick is him trying to reform and become better than his past and in this RP there was conflict with The Agency wanting him back despite what he says. Build on this conflict and add some more compelling stuff with Alexis and it can only get better IMO.
     
    #2348
  24. Dave

    Dave Administrator
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    Alice Adams

    Truth be told, I wasn't very familiar with your character before I read this RP. You'll have to forgive my ignorance for a few things.

    Let's start with the positives. First, it's pretty well we'll written for your first attempt at an RP on here. You use a tonne of description and paint a picture really well. I really appreciate when someone goes through the bother of putting description in the piece - it's the mark of a good writer.

    Next, there's a lot of intrigue in there that should work out. The text from the mystery person is enough for a long term story that you're working - that was well done. The introduction of Keith Kole was a good addition too. It'll be interesting to see if that was a one off or if you're going to be working with that character from here on out. There's a good story in there somewhere, so it'll be interesting to see how that all plays out.

    I have a couple of negatives that I think you could work on if you feel inclined. First, the mix of internal thoughts speech, description and narrative was sometimes a bit convoluted. I've never been a fan of putting description (of sorts) in with speech. I'd recommend describing how someone said something in a description paragraph before or after the speech itself. Just a minor thing but do what suits you best.

    The only other thing I noticed was that you really didn't need the flashback to the Kole incident you had the opportunity to have that segment after the first part of your RP. Honestly, I would have put that interaction on there, instead of flashing back. Having too many different segments in an RP can sometimes be quite jarring and I think you fell foul of that. It would be better to have a main focus in an RP and tell that story, instead of a few different ones.

    All in all, a really good first attempt.
     
    #2349
  25. Dan Severn's Moustache

    Dan Severn's Moustache Patent Pending

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    Tony Mancini

    I've noticed you've gone for a dialogue heavier style with your RP's, which is something I'm personally rolling with at the moment (yes, it's roll, not role, a few extra skims through your RP might have caught that). However, I don't think you take as much advantage of it as you could. Small talk can help a lot in establishing personality and making a character seem three-dimensional, instead of just spouting out exposition. I think Bruno is a new character of yours, but we don't really know much about him, save for a little bit of personality shining in at the end with his sheepish grin. I'd have liked to see him have more of a conversation with Gino in the car.

    I'm not really a fan of RP's that don't contain much of the actual character wrestling either. I understand that less can be more, but I don't think you've set Tony up in such a way that that can happen; Yaz's use of Jabari is a good example of this working. Having Tony involved would make us more invested in the character, especially considering that he is the one having the match; this felt more like a Gino RP than anything else.

    This RP also felt like it was spouting too much exposition, whilst at the same time, feeling too much like filler. The goal of your RP was to introduce Bruno, which it did do, but I think it could have been done a lot better. Have him interact with Tony, or interact with Gino and Vito more, and make the mission have more stakes so that the reader can feel more invested in the twists and turns you can weave.

    It's not terrible by any means, but honestly, I think this was a weak RP from you, and I know you can do better.
     
    #2350

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