RP Feedback Thread

Discussion in 'WZCW Roleplay Board' started by sincade20, Oct 1, 2007.

  1. Skairipa Matrix

    Skairipa Matrix 3 Time Elite Openweight Champion

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    Alice Adams:

    I was interested in what you would do with this character as soon as I saw the app, it reminds me a bit of what Scarlett Bordeaux is doing over in Impact Wrestling. As for the RP, the first thing I wanna say is always make sure you at least look over your RP before posting, there was an instance where you said check instead of cheek, and while I knew what you meant, it's always good to make sure little mistakes like that aren't left in.

    As for the RP itself, I thought the beginning of it was really well done, it showed the background of your character and showcased exactly what her gimmick is, and was a nice set up for the rest of the RP which is always nice to see as it helps the flow of things. I thought the interaction with Keith Kole was okay, but I did feel like it could have been any random NPC and it would have been the same exact scene, so to me it felt like a rather pointless inclusion of someone else's character.

    My favorite part was the conversation with the taxi driver, it was a good way to show off Alice's personality and how she'll handle the doubters.in the future. The one thing I think might have worked better with it though is instead of him laughing at her after she walked away, maybe he could have been flustered by her and kind of been left speechless?

    Overall this was a good debut RP, for someone writing their first RP it wasn't bad at all. In the future I'd suggest using more color, as it will help everything stand out more and avoid things blending together for the reader. You did well with description but it never hurts to put more. I hope you stick with it as I think you have potential to bust out some really good work in the future.
     
    #2351
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  2. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Callie Clark
    (Matrix)

    I really can't think of anything wrong with this one. I'm still not huge on Gabi but when used sparingly and as the carefree & fun loving foil to the snobby & serious Callie like you did here it's actually not to bad. I loved the Karaoke scene. It was completely out of the blue and not something i would expect from Callie. Very good job here against 2 former World Champions.

    Keith Kole
    (Kweb)

    Well you were right you did get rid of the more obvious Bobby Roode references so that's good.

    What's not so good is Logan being there. Why move on to another character only to bring him back as an NPC? Why would Hayden want the autograph of someone who only had (and lost) one match?

    On a positive note the back and forth between Keith & Kassandra isn't bad.

    All in all a step above your last RP but not a very big step. Keep plugging away, don't get discouraged and use the feedback given and you'll get better.


    King Mussél
    (Dynamite)


    I'm loving the right wing political figure it looks like you're going for and you meld it perfectly into who Flex is that's it just seems natural. I enjoy all of your RPs and this one is no different.

    Vega
    (Infinity)

    This one was long. The flashback could have been condensed and more added to the Tyrone/Vega segment or just leave it out to make it shorter.

    I'm enjoying them more and more and this is easily one of your best just please oh please work on the length.
     
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  3. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
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    Alice Adams
    (I.Is.Sawa93)
    The wall of black text made my eyes hurt by the end. Please use different colors to break it up.

    The flashback with Kole I think would have had more impact if it was Real Time so to speak.

    Other than that not a bad piece and if I didn't know any better i wouldn't have thought it was your first try.

    Harald Var Krigare
    (Fallout)
    A couple things

    1) the start of the RP was lost on me. It made me feel stupid which i'm not a fan of.

    2) The gimmick you have listed on your roster page is a Swedish National hoping to give his country greater representation in main stream culture. I'm assuming that's why Harald is acting but i had to look back and check what your main gimmick is and that's not a good thing. You need to make it noticeable without beating people over the head with it.

    I did enjoy the end where you're talking about Kole though. You took his gimmick and turned it back on him which is something i enjoy seeing.
     
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