RP Feedback Thread

Discussion in 'WZCW Roleplay Board' started by sincade20, Oct 1, 2007.

  1. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Andrew Adonis
    (Doc)

    First off sorry this is so late

    Second i don't know how constructive this is going to be because i thought it was everything it needed to be and more.

    The description was on point. You hyped up Vis Imperium while making it Crystal clear your main priority was Xander. While the content may have made some uncomfortable i loved it. I could picture a swanky private restaurant and it was Hollywood to it's core.

    Honestly as awesome as Ty is I thought you had the win here and was a bit bummed when you lost.


    Again sorry it's not very constructive.
     
    #2301
  2. Bernkastel

    Bernkastel Reaper of Miracles
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    1,692
    Milenko

    Interesting character dynamic between Tony and Xaitlyn. Those two were once a team, so it makes some sense for them to have a partnership. There were a couple of grammatical issues and formatting errors. Proofreading is difficult, but I’d advise you preview your RP first before posting it. Also try writing short and simple sentences. You have several run-on sentences that could have been broken up. Like this one.

    Here's a better way to structure the dialogue…

    “Tony: Amelia is teething so I pawned her off on my neighbor Melanie. With Xaitlyn going on and on about knowing my partner, and knowing my opponents, I needed to get out of the house. I figured I should get back in touch with the man who was watching me from the shadows the last time I was in this bar.”

    What I liked best about the RP: The content of your dialogue has improved. I think you need a bit more practice, though.

    What I liked least about the RP: There’s not much description. And not much energy or emotion. For example, I read Ascension 118 and Xaitlyn cheated on Tony’s behalf. I don’t think that was ever brought up.

    Don’t be afraid to draw inspiration from the shows. Take the emotion generated by the matches and use that as fuel for your next RP. Tony had the biggest match of his career at Ascension 118, and you just glanced over the fallout. I think Tony’s emotions need to be expanded on. That will help you further develop him as a character. I think this RP was decent, but I felt it was lacking in overall substance. Continue to practice little by little. You’ll improve even more.

    Dmbfantomas

    I like Vox as a character. He's almost like an old Saboteur throwback. Your RP this past round was good for a few laughs. I enjoyed it. I'd like to see you flesh Vox out a bit more. He doesn't have to be a serious character by any means, but some additional descriptive narration and some injected emotion would rocket him to the next level.

    Cheers.
     
    #2302
  3. Bernkastel

    Bernkastel Reaper of Miracles
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    1,692
    Franchize

    I really liked your app when I first saw it. Obi has a ton of wiggle room for character development. And it’s believable since pro wrestling does have some history in Africa. I liked the way you wrote Obi this round. He seems to me that he’s just a young kid trying to find out what his identity is. If you win the Mayhem championship, I have a feeling that you could some great things.

    K Web

    I hope the deadwood match lit a fire under you, because Logan needs it. I’m not sure where Logan will go from here, but there’s a ton of opportunities coming up. I hope you can find some more of that passion you had this last round and stick around.

    Falkon

    Eve is one of the best characters in the fed right now. I’d probably say top 5. She has so much depth behind her thanks to your meticulous attention to the way you detail her emotions. Not only that, but you manage to keep those details fresh. Maybe it’s because I see many similarities between our writing styles. But usually you manage to go into a lot more detail than I do. For example Lynx has a gimmick that is easy to play off: time. Most people would either run the “messing with time will create a paradox and then we’re all fucked” theme or the multiverse theory theme where “maybe there’s a universe where if I don’t do A then I won’t accomplish B.” I chose to expand on the latter when I RP’ed against him. But you chose to expand on Eve’s future instead, and you were quick to emphasize that she’s in control of her own destiny. Not anyone else. Might be a bit cliché, but not when you realize that she has a shot at the world championship. It’s poetic.

    It’s clear that you have a ton of momentum right now. Eve vs Constantine will probably be the Gold Rush final, and that doesn’t surprise me in the least. If I recall Eve has defeated John in the past, so I imagine that would give you the advantage. We joke and laugh about it, but Prophet will be tough to beat. If it comes down to Eve vs Cooper for the world title, I’m sure you could pull off the win. If you don’t win the Gold Rush, then there’s many other opportunities for you. Now that my major story line with Kagura is coming to an end, I’d like another crack at Eve myself. She’s always a character that I’ve got my eye on.
     
    #2303
  4. Bernkastel

    Bernkastel Reaper of Miracles
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    1,692
    Spidey

    After reading this RP I think losing the Elite Openweight title did Batti some good. This piece was really fleshed out and contained some great details. I especially liked the way that you portrayed Callie. I think the portrayal of Tyrone was a bit too “PG,” but I like the connection between the two characters. They are united over a mutual dislike of Vis Imperium, and you really worked to create some depth to their relationship. It’s almost like a big brother/little sister dynamic, but Blades feels like a mentor, rather than a babysitter like Action Saxton.

    What I liked most about the RP: The character development. Batti is goofy. There have been times when I have not taken her seriously, to the point where it became a habit. Thank you for a more serious portrayal. I loved the way that you blended her weebish personality with a more normal one.

    What I liked least about the RP: The only complaint I had was that Tyrone felt a bit PG. But even so, there’s chemistry between him and Batti.

    This was a fantastic RP. It as well written and contained plenty of raw emotion, I felt that Batti really grew as a character here. I also liked the spacing of the “one more chance.” Each word gave a nice little theme to each segment. Not sure if that was intentional or not.

    ---​

    Onto the match that you wrote for MD 142. I like to announce either the champion or the heel wrestler second. Since this is Warzone’s first outing, I would have announced the veteran second. I personally think that’s just proper etiquette. I really enjoyed your portrayal of Jack Cohen. He’s usually flexible as the color commentator.

    The first part of the match had a nice flow, showing some good psychology from the smaller man. Don’t be afraid to experiment with in match dialogue from characters and involve the crowd more. The spot where Vox talks to the crowd after rolling out of the ring seemed perfect for that. I liked the fact that Warzone was simply too big and heavy for Vox to lift at that moment. Warzone backing away to the ropes to escape an onslaught doesn’t makes any sense. He’s a monster. Vox’s punches shouldn’t have much effect. I also don’t see why he would call for a test of strength if he’s pissed off. Frustrated maybe, but that doesn’t seem like part of his character. There’s also not much emotion being shown from Vox as he tries to cut the beast down to size. A lot of the descriptions are vague towards the end of second part. I’m not sure what happened during the last part of the match, did Warzone get himself tangled up? If so, how? Because it seems like Vox ducked under his fist and the big man just hit the ropes and bounced off. That would have looked awkward. Later it looks as if Warzone must have done the Andre Spot [where both arms become entangled in the ring ropes.] I really liked the submission finish, with Warzone refusing to quit until he had no other choice.

    Overall it was a decent match. I loved the big and small man psychology. I liked that you highlighted Vox’s strength as a submission grappler, while showing off Warzone’s power and durability. The commentators seemed to be on part, with Cohen showing a dryer side to his commentary. Although there were parts of the match that didn’t makes sense, like Warzone packing away from Vox’s punches, or were vaguely written, Warzone getting tangled in the ropes. I think that could be improved upon. I think there could have been a bit more description in some parts, particularly with Vox’s comeback towards the end.

    ---​

    Now for some light character feedback. When she was first introduced, Batti seemed like a crack comedy character to me. I didn’t see potential for much depth to the character. But the RP’s that you have done from Apocalypse to now have shown me a deeper side to her personality. It’s almost as if she’s a character within a character. Is the weeaboo part of Batti the true part, or is she secretly more sophisticated than that? To me she’s one of the more interesting characters to read right now.
     
    #2304
  5. Bernkastel

    Bernkastel Reaper of Miracles
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    4,288
    Likes Received:
    1,692
    Dagger

    Lynx is a unique character, though I wonder what his potential shelf life might be? He’s still a new character, so there’s still plenty of opportunity for you to add some new dimensions to him. I noticed that after RP’ing against him that ‘time’ seems to be an easy theme to target. Kind of like how Celeste’s opponents used to always target her gender. He’s a tough one to RP against, that’s for sure.

    Milenko

    I think you’re improving with the way that you write Tony. He still lacks emotion in certain situations here he should have quite a lot to talk about. Just keep practicing. I believe others have told you not to insert to much of your own personality onto Tony, but that shouldn’t stop you from drawing from your own emotional experiences when imagining how he might react to certain people and events.

    CyberPunk

    When I first saw Wren, I thought she was a similar character to Kagura. Based on your avatar, maybe a ninja or an assassin. I haven’t ruled that out, but she’s very mysterious. In my RP against her I made it a point to say that she’s even surpassed Kagura in that aspect. I’m kind of iffy on her manager, but it does add another dynamic to Wren’s story. It seems as if you’re leading up to a bigger story, so I’d like to see where it goes. If she does win the Eurasian title, I wonder how that will affect that story moving forward.

    WWE66

    This was a nice little hype piece for Warzone. I thought all the dialogue was smooth and the descriptions were solid. Just remember if you format in color to keep all your dialogue consistently the same color. Even though proofreading is a pain, make sure to give the RP a readthrough or two before submitting it. I look forward to seeing what you can do in WZCW.
     
    #2305
    Dagger Dias, ShinChan and Wildcat66 like this.
  6. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    War Zone
    (WWE66)

    This RP wasn't the best. While it's not against the rules to beat up your own NPCs you do need to be careful about to much violence taking away from the story you're trying to tell. Not to mention it's almost certain to lose you votes


    The RP was also very confusing. Why does he think JFK is President? Why is he stuck in the 50s? I'm not saying blow your wad early and tell us everything up front but a little back story would have been very helpful.

    There's room for improvement but the same could be said for all of us really. I see potential with the gimick so keep learning & getting better with every RP and you'll be gold.

    Feel free to send me a PM with any questions or you can post thr in The Social Club backstage. I'm always around if you need help.
     
    #2306
    Wildcat66 likes this.
  7. Dmbfantomas

    Dmbfantomas Bald Billy was Better

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2011
    Messages:
    455
    Likes Received:
    302
    Quick hit feedback for War Zone and Tony Mancini...

    War Zone:

    A few things bugged me.

    1. You reference the Cold War as past tense, but War Zone still thinks JFK is president? Also, JFK and McCarthy (who was actually WAY more right than he ever gets credit for) were not friendly at all. JFK thought he was a kook. If War Zone is SUPER loyal to JFK, why would he bring up McCarthy? Also, McCarthy died 3 years before JFK was elected.

    2. Benedict Arnold was an amazing American, who only "turned traitor" because the US was fudging everything up badly and he wanted to ensure that the NEXT revolution actually worked. Luckily, we got aid from France and everything worked out. That doesn't have anything to do with anything, though. Just love good ol' Benedict Arnold.

    3. You just murdered someone. Like, you killed someone. Killing a postal worker is an offense of the highest order. War Zone should be in prison for the rest of his life, waiting for a needle to put him out of his misery. It bothered me to read that, and not in a good way that made me want more.

    4. If you're going to have a harsh character, you need to choose a better color. A strong red I think would work better for War Zone. He's brutal, so I would advise against picking a cool color.

    5. It's best to not completely belittle your opponents. Claiming Mancini as a "Defcon 5" will look REALLY bad if he ends up beating you. It means War Zone got beaten by someone who isn't a threat. Talk up their positives, but say that you're going to beat them anyway.

    6. WAIT, YOU FUCKING CRUCIFIED THAT GUY?! And avoid "lynching" also. Unless you're talking about the landlord.


    Tony Mancini:

    1. Stay out of dreams, you sonofabitch. ;)

    2. Seriously though, I liked this a lot. I've always liked the "Is it real, or is it not?" style of storytelling. It also gives you a lot of leeway to do strange things. I dug the hell out of it, truly.

    3. My only real issue is that you had some areas where you could have expanded on what was happening, and you stayed straight and confined. You have the opportunity to do whatever you want in this kind of environment, swing for the fences. Even if you don't reach the moon, you'll still get the stars. :)

    But they were both better than mine, so I hate you both.
     
    #2307
    ShinChan and Hyorinmaru like this.
  8. Dagger Dias

    Dagger Dias Natural 20
    Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    8,862
    Likes Received:
    4,183
    Vox - Gold Rush PPV RP

    You were one of the winners for the Gold Rush PPV predictions contest so here are some things I liked about the RP as well as some improvements I suggest.

    Not sure what "INT" was short for, it may have been better to spell out things like that. Or perhaps start it out with "A black room is seen, in one of Vox's dreams. Loud but muffled sounds come from a television. The screen is blurred to the camera. In front of the television are the heads of four people watching television, two men on the arms of a four-person couch, and a man and a woman in the middle." Having all this as one descriptive paragraph as it opens would have looked a little better. Make sure you're double checking that the correct color is used consistently for the same character. You had one NPC speaking in both red and then in dark blue at one point. Another formatting tip.... Whether you use font colors or not on the dialogue, it's a good idea to boldface the name of who is speaking. Like as seen below.

    Vox: Oh sir, please. It is the greatest movie you, or anyone else, has ever made.

    There's a lot of talking without much else going on during the part where Vox is goofing off with the celebrities. What is everyone doing while this conversation is happening? It helps illustrate the picture mentally for the reader if we see what the characters, especially Vox himself, are doing as the dialogue is spoken. Otherwise we may be left to assume they just sit there not moving. No one that I know of sits still that long, and I doubt opinionated celebrities would be not moving around as they talk to Vox here. Things like "to Jane Levy" or "loudly to Russell" could have been in descriptive form instead of being next to someone's name in the dialogue line.

    Keeping the voice be named as "Voice That Sounds Like Patricia Clarkson" is funny. Reminds me a little of what I have done with a number of "unimportant" NPC's in my Lynx RP's. I like the humor style there with the Patricia Voice as well as that whole back and forth between her and Vox. Whopcorn was funny as well. Someone at church mentioned a similar snack the other day and it made me think of the whopcorn line in your RP. When you make an impact in an RP people remember it. Legit LOL'ed at Richard Karn.

    You did get a vote from me in this match. I would like to see more focus returned to Vox wanting to raise money and that side of his character. Definitely keep the humor style you've been working with but maybe tone down the celebrity cameos and the dreams a bit going forward. I think that will help you.
     
    #2308
  9. Dave

    Dave Administrator
    Staff Member Administrator

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2009
    Messages:
    4,576
    Likes Received:
    2,613
    War Zone (Predictions Winner Feedback)

    So, let's get the inevitable out of the way. The first and second RP's you posted were not within the rules. I hope that you have made yourself really familiar with them now and everything will be forgotten. But it is worth saying that you took the first fall as punishment for your earlier transgressions. As I said before, take your punishment and move on to bigger and better things. You are definitely capable of it. FalKon murdered someone in his RP way back when. Look at him now, a legend in WZCW. You would never have thought it when you read Ashleigh FalKon... Trust me.

    As far as this RP goes, it's not that bad. It took you three attempts to get there but it is definitely on the right track. I know you had talked briefly of getting rid of the character but there is definitely scope in there for the character to work and I think you have what it takes to make that happen. War Zone is unique and that is a hard thing to come by in this day and age. I like that he still talks to a former President as if they were they current President, it's a nice little touch to the character. You seem to have the rhetoric for the character worked out too and I like reading that.

    There is some room for improvement, obviously, though. First of all, this is a good piece since we are new to the character and need to get to know what he is like. But when you are put against three of the people you were put against, you are going to have to put more into it. I understand it wasn't your first piece of work and you were probably just trying to get something in. But there's very little in there in terms of progressing the character and that is something that you will have to work on in future, trust me. Soon enough, you will run out of ideas to make War Zone look like a bad ass and you will be stuck for what to write. Add a couple of NPC's and a long time goal for War Zone to accomplish and have him go bout doing just that. This RP is a decent “getting to know you” piece but we will need much more from you if you are to progress up the card.

    For inspiration, look at people like myself, Prophet, FalKon, Dynamite, Echelon and Ty etc. All of those guys use NPC's really well and have an idea of where they want to take their characters on the long term. When you understand that, your work will be full of character development and plot development. Above all else, that is what I am looking for when I read a RP as Head of Creative. Give me something I can use on the shows! Your work is crying out for that depth. But once you nail it, you'll be golden.
     
    #2309
    Dagger Dias, Wildcat66 and ShinChan like this.
  10. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Justin Cooper
    (Da Prophet)

    I loved your RP. I've noticed a lot of people shoehorn in something about the match and it usually doesn't work to well.

    That's why I like the fact you mentioned the open challenge but then went on to talk about the show in general as well as what it means to him. Usually when someone completely doesn't mention the match i don't like it but you made it work and it's easily one of my favorite RPs of the round.

    Here's where I would mention what the RPer should work on but you're the World Champion so it's not really needed. That and I couldn't find anything wrong with it.
     
    #2310
  11. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Titus Avison
    (Lee)

    Had we not talked on Discord or the show already been posted I would have been a bit confused with this one. As it stands I really enjoyed this one and couldn't find anything wrong with it.

    It was a standard TV interview but it was the best I've read. I enjoyed it immensely the 3 times I've read it. It's not every time I reread an RP and enjoy it just as much.

    My favorite part regardless of whether it was confusing the first time was how you buttered Ty up and then tore him down. Again a lot of people do this but not many can do it tho good. You're RPs are some of my favorite to read and this one is no different.

    I'd say good luck in our match coming up but it looks like I'm going to need the luck.
     
    #2311
  12. Dagger Dias

    Dagger Dias Natural 20
    Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    8,862
    Likes Received:
    4,183
    Tony Mancini - Anniversary Show RP (Milenko)

    You won the feedback contest this round and had two RP's for the show, so here are some thoughts on your Tony Mancini RP. Did I vote for you? No, however you came close to getting my vote. I liked that you tried something new here with the journaling. Another RP with Tony seeking advice from the pastor would not have been the best idea. You did good with the setting and how Tony addressed his opponents within his thoughts as he journaled was realistic. Try the journaling thing again, maybe expanding on it a bit. Which brings me to things that could have been done differently.

    Ok. The first thing I'll tell you is this.... Tony's been a Christian for multiple cycles. I know old habits die hard, but he is swearing way too much for someone in a Christian lifestyle. I can understand maybe one or two curse words here or there. The guy would at least have tried to cut down by now. You spelled "past" wrong and put "passed". Try to proofread to catch these typos. You turned in this RP 4 days in advance. Waiting another day and reading it again would likely have caught the typo. When you turn in an RP this early, it makes typos look a lot more sloppy than they otherwise would. Something else I might have done differently is include the text message from Xaitlyn as its own piece of dialogue, maybe in a quote box with the magenta color. Make the reader read the message itself, seeing it how Tony saw it. Another thing I would have added would be some kind of timestamp that Tony himself wrote. Sure we can see when you posted the RP, but if Tony is journaling, wouldn't he want to write down the date and maybe even the time so that he can look back on his journal in a future season of life? Most of my friends who journal do this.
     
    #2312
    ShinChan likes this.
  13. Jeff Deliverer of Mail

    Jeff Deliverer of Mail Money for nothin, chicks for free
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    629
    Tony Mancini

    10TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW RP!!

    Did I vote for you? Yes

    My voting wasn't as close in my mind as others. Obi Okafor and Vox were closer at your heels had you slipped up a little and messed up. But I don't think you messed up, it was a solid RP with all the little boxes checked off, medium in length and unique to Mancini. Only thing I would've added was one time stamp at the top like Dagger said to make it seem more like a journal. It was refreshing to see Mancini away from the priest who knows about wrestling and the baby. Good job and good luck vs Titus Avison.
     
    #2313
    ShinChan and Dagger Dias like this.
  14. ShinChan

    ShinChan Gone. For. Good.

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    2,384
    Likes Received:
    487
    Anthony Mancini

    I had already seen this RolePlay, thanks to you. I liked it. But I will vote for Ace Stevens as far as I'm concerned. This looked very short to me. I can understand that you wanted to show that Anthony isn't taking his next opponents any seriously which Gino favors but Xaitlyn opposes. The difference in the views of those two is always fun to watch since it's so varied. But again, I would've liked some more by you especially on your opponents. Building up is right but you shouldn't do any less for other matches like this one. Anthony sort of ignored that Ace Stevens lost his return match to World Champion. Not just to anyone. Xaitlyn making Anthony remind this could have helped. That's all I can say.

    Best Of Luck for Titus.
     
    #2314
    Dagger Dias likes this.
  15. ShinChan

    ShinChan Gone. For. Good.

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    2,384
    Likes Received:
    487
    Milenko

    I really liked the RolePlay but my only problem was use of less commas and long sentences which made it very annoying to read. That's the only problem I've with this RolePlay. The story is very good but the narration of the story needed some help. That's all I can say.
     
    #2315
  16. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Yemrez Reqonic
    (ShinChan)

    I liked it but a few things popped out at me.

    First how did he not earn the title? It was a Mayhem Rules match where anything goes so he did in fact earn the title under the rules.

    Second the grammar. You put woman itself when it should be herself. There are a few other instances where the flow is a bit messed up because f how you worded things but that's the biggest one. If you want I'll proof read your RPs for you like you do mine.

    Do I think you'll win? Anything is possible but I'm not sure. Tasty is a world champion class RPer and his opponents need to be at the top of their game and I'm not sure if this RP was good enough.

    Good Luck
     
    #2316
  17. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    War Zone
    (Wildcat66)

    It's not bad I'm glad you took the feedback I gave you to heart and I hope you do the same here. A couple of things stood out to me.

    #1 is the formatting. While it's not necessary to add color (and anyone who says it is is wrong) the colors do help break up the monotony of a wall of all black text.

    #2 we still don't know anything about Troy. We know he wants to help War Zone but we still have no idea why (unless I missed something which is possible.)

    It's a step in the right direction but I'm not sure I it's enough to get a win against a former champion.
     
    #2317
  18. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Ace Stevens
    (Daniel [Winner of last rounds prediction contest])

    It's different than what I've seen before but that's not a bad thing. You managed to keep the brash, comedic persona while keeping it rather serious.

    Stan still being alive fit the character and it made me chuckle.

    All in all it was a very well written RP that I enjoyed.

    I did predict you would win but it's anyone's match to win.
     
    #2318
    Daniel likes this.
  19. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Yemrez Reqonic
    (ShinChan [prediction contest winner])

    I liked it. You dealt with your previous loss appropriately for your character. I loved the professional vs Personal aspect to your RP as a whole but there in lies the problem.

    You spent the entire RP talking about your partner like he was your opponent and even contemplating taking him out. You barely mentioned your actual opponents at all.

    Sadly Tasty didn't give you anything to work with but even then this could have been better suited for a tag match.
     
    #2319
    ShinChan likes this.
  20. Jeff Deliverer of Mail

    Jeff Deliverer of Mail Money for nothin, chicks for free
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    629
    Falkon: Eve Taylor feedback for winning the prediction contest for Meltdown and Ascension !!

    Eve Taylor

    Did I vote for you? Yes

    But it wasn't easy and I debated over it with myself because Ty and you brought Kingdom Come worthy RPs to clash in these regular shows. RP of the round IMO and worthy of a title shot against the Heavyweight Champion in the future. I mean it's only a matter of time before Eve Taylor comes knocking on the door to whomever is Heavyweight Champion at the time. You made me care about Anderson and Madison with their connection to Eve. They have a working friendship and the commentary regarding recent trends in WZCW is always good to read in an RP coming from the perspective of the character. I've balked at some of your RPs in the past for being too -Chatty- where walls and walls and walls of commentary from one character is speaking and you can lose the reader out of the RP if the content isn't engaging enough....but not this RP. Home run top to bottom but you don't need this feedback to tell you that, you know it. Just keep this quality up and Eve Taylor will remain unstoppable.
     
    #2320
    ShinChan and Just FalKonika like this.
  21. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Eve Taylor
    (Falkon [prediction contest winner])

    I really don't know what to say that Jeff hasn't already said. You made me care about all 3 women but especially Stacey Madison and that's pretty amazing after what she was a part of. Easily the top RP of the round and if you don't at least get a #1 contenders match for sometime after Unscripted then something is up.

    Keep up the amazing work.
     
    #2321
    ShinChan and Just FalKonika like this.
  22. Rainbow Yaz

    Rainbow Yaz Sing about me, I'm dying of thirst
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2011
    Messages:
    1,729
    Likes Received:
    1,794
    Yaz Presents: Unscripted Thoughts
    (A Spike Lee Joint)

    So I'm going to do something kind of different. I've long disliked how traditional feedback works, so I want to try something that may come off as a bit dickish, a bit like my opinion actually matters, but hopefully it helps people.

    World Championship - Justin Cooper VS Constantine

    So I'll start with the World Title. These were two very good RPs and whoever wins will have earned it and whoever loses shouldn't hang their head in shame. I have no issue with either guy winning here, but my vote was Constantine. I gave him the slight edge because I truly felt like Constantine is a defeated man, and not just because of the attack by Logan. After all the terror he caused in his career, he is finally looking back at all the mistakes he made and he feels human for it. He realizes that this is his last shot at glory, and the deck is stacked against him. The addition of Steven Holmes, to truly tell John that a few weeks of kissing babies and hugging fat girls isn't going to erase the years of bullshit he caused for those around him. He knows what Constantine is capable of, and refuses to let it die, because he knows a passive Constantine has no chance against someone of Cooper's status. He also refuses to let John make excuses, despite there being ample opportunity to do so. Above all, he paints Cooper as a true best in the world. So often when guys write RPs they do nothing but run down their opponent. There is a time and place for that, but by building up Cooper, Constantine really allows the reader to feel just how much of a mountain he has to climb. It was a very emotional and human piece.

    Cooper on the other hand, played up his role to a tee. Few heels in WZCW have been better at finding the balance between coward and cunning like Cooper has in his rise to the top. He knows when to fight his battles and when to let the underlings go to battle. He knows he has VI and Banks at his disposal, but isn't afraid to show what he is truly capable of when the time is right. THe thing that separates the Cooper of today from the Cooper of yesterday, and most mid level heels in general, is that this Cooper has a clear goals in mind. The bully analogy in the RP was damn near perfect. The old Cooper, and most run of the mill bad guys, are just content to go out and pick on the weak. They desire no challenge, they just want to assert their badassness by knocking off those who won't fight back. Copper though isn't satisfied with that. He wants more and shows it by walking up to the top kids in the yard and not only punching them square in the face, but attacking their character as well. He sees through a lot of BS, the facades that people put up, and he rips into it. Anyone can beat up the asthmatic kid with glasses, but Cooper proves he wants more than that, and that is what makes him such a great character. This RP did such a great job in keeping with those qualities.

    Elite Openweight Championship - Callie Clark VS Matt Tastic

    I let Matrix in on what I thought about his RP and the RPs in general a bit in the discussion thread. This match also featured two very good RPs. The thing that gave Tastic the slight edge in my eyes was the bit about how Tastic hasn't won anything of note in a long time, and how Titus notes that some people may attribute Tastic's success not primarily to skill, but to longevity. Is Tastic done? Does he need to reinvent himself again? Did his best stuff just come at a low period in WZCW? How can he make the changes needed to buck the trend? He doesn't give a definitive answer himself, instead he lets his peers do the talking (side note, he captured them very well). Tastic, for everything he has accomplished, constantly reinvents himself, almost like he is trying to find his own voice. THat is why I loved the fact that Tastic got flustered at the proposition of losing. He let those around him be his voice this time, and I really liked how it played out. I don't want this to be the end though, I think Clark/Tastic still has legs and could provide a platform for both RPers.

    Eurasian Championship - Titus Avison & Tyrone Blades VS Vis Imperium (Keaton/LeBelle)


    So I personally think Titus and Tyrone are going to take this, but given the stipulations and rules, I'm not sure how creative will see it. We start with Titus, who managed to get a lot of content across in shortish RP for a PPV title match. There really was no filler, it was all thriller. Even the dream sequence, something almost cliche in RPs at this point, set up the next scene well. The thing I liked was how Lee got a bit introspective with Titus. He was able to turn the camera on himself and really show us what was going through the head of a true legend. Speaking of legend, his little nods to history were nice touches. It is something that only someone with a history like Lee could do, and he used it to full effect. Then the end, oh man that end. Titus can be a dick, but I've always wondered is it real venom or is Titus simply showing his fangs to scare off the lesser predators. This was real venom, directed towards a group of people that Titus has reason to hate. It wrapped up a complete tidy RP.

    Then you have Tyrone, who has turned The Hollow Ones into one of the best anti establishment groups ever. Not just in WZCW, but wrestling period. They make make the nWo look like Aces and Eights, and that is due to Ty's brilliant vision. The transformation of Ty Burna to Tyrone Blades was a big change, but with how natural Tyrone feels, you sometimes forget what he used to be. I give Ty a huge credit because he nails Tyrone's mannerisms and speech patterns. It really makes the transformation believable. It helps that Jones fits in so well, but Tyrone feels like a man fighting for his life. The assault on Banks' property was a great opening and set the tone for the rest of the RP, which including some great lines from Tyrone and Titus, as well as some solid humor from Jones when used. That's one thing I really liked about this, and a fair number of recent Hollow Ones RPs is that they use humor in a good way. I wrote a lot of humor in my RPs, sometimes too much, but they keep it to a very acceptable level. Like when they were mocking Xander, it felt like something Tyrone and Titus would do naturally. It never felt forced. The best part of the RP though was the letter to Banks. Honestly, you could have just posted that letter as the RP and I still think I would have voted for it.

    On the other side of the ring, I had mixed feelings about VI. Xander, as always, was captured well, but given his recent time off and the tone of this piece, it almost feels too on the nose as a goodbye. I would have liked to see more cohesion from VI other than, there was a funeral in one and the other mentioned a funeral. The focus on ending Tyrone was a nice little touch over craving a title, and it makes up for the formatting mistakes, but I feel like this was goodbye from TBK and that makes me sad. Keaton was typical Keaton. It was a mix of good and bad. Of solid laughs, over the top antics that fit the character, while also containing a lot of filler that made it a longer read. Turning his father's funeral into a promo on The Hallow Ones is a very Mark Keaton thing to do, it would have worked much better though if Keaton hadn't flipped the switch from grieving son to flamboyant wrestler in an instant.

    Mayhem Championship - Randy Studd VS Vox


    After some solid outings, this one brought things down. Both RPs were average at best. They both included some funny moments, which you have come to expect from each character, I think in the end Studd had more funny moments, but the lack of formatting will kill him. Kinda shitty we tend to feel that way honestly. The Bono scene felt like something we have been waiting for, and the references to the title on a pole match being stupid were funny stuff. The interview at the end felt completely tacked on in an effort to shoehorn in a wrestling reference.

    I would have liked to see formatting from Studd, the lack of it makes an RP feel rushed. The opening few lines were solid. The bit about Studd and a big pole was chuckle worthy. The entire opening bit with Randy running down the possible stipulations was funny. My issue, aside from the formatting, was that as soon as they got to the hotel, all mentions of wrestling and Vox were dropped. In a way, I get it, because Studd tried to turn on the charm, but I worry people will dock points for that. It was still smile worthy levels of comedy, and the Hollywood line was topical and in just enough bad taste to fit with Studd, but I think Vox is going to steal this one.

    Kagura VS Batti

    These were two pretty fine RPs from two pretty fine ladies. In the end, I think Batti is going to edge it because I think her RP stayed true to her character. Kagura was a fun read, for some reason anytime Ech write an RP with a drunk main character they are fun, but it felt a bit out of character for Kagura. I appreciate taking the chance he took by trying to put Kagura in Batti's realm, but it was too much of a culture clash for me.

    My biggest take away from Batti, aside from Spidey writing better sexy time scenes than me, is that Ram has evolved into an interesting character. I've given Spidey a lot of comments about how I never really got Ramparty back in the day because he is smarter than me, but for the first time since Ram debuted and got his butler's dick sucked, he feels human. The scene with Tyrone got off to a fun start with the drink orders, the characters were captured well. The speech Batti gave was good stuff as well, but the bang bang fun time scene put any dirty thing every written in this fed to shame, and I once wrote a sex scene so graphic the guys made me edit it. The musical interludes, the descriptions, the cuts to Ram. Hot damn this was one hell of a piece.

    The opening paragraphs of Kagura's piece painted a nice mental picture. Ech has always been good at setting a scene. With Kagura, I've always struggled when reading the dialogue a bit due to the language barriers between characters, but this go round it wasn't that bad. The scene where they discussed Taco Bell was my favorite part, because the part about taking a shit during sex was both funny and relateable....don't ask. The promo, I guess you can call it a promo, that Kagura cut on Batti was solid stuff. Talking how they seemed to be intertwined and how Kagura could never get ahead really hit high marks for me because it addressed the topic of Kagura constantly coming out ahead of Batti in matches, but never gaining a foothold over her in the company pecking order despite be QFAD. Overall, a solid piece that I won't at all be shocked or upset over if it pulls out a W.

    Eve Taylor VS Logan McAllister

    I'll start with Logan, who I felt had a bit of a return to that old form that got a lot of people talking. One of Logan's most appealing traits is that his love and drive for his family felt very real. Once Goldman entered the picture, that took a backseat and the RPs suffered due to it. Often times, and it was still a bit of an issue here, Logan was a bit player in his own RPs. Goldman became the star, and if I am being completely honest, the fact that Goldman, repped by Paul Heyman, did the talking for Logam, repped by Brock Lesnar, really threw me off. Having Brittany trying to force her way back into Logan's life could really make for a compelling story, and I liked that the seeds were planted here. I also like the topical references to Boston sports, as well as the little bits about the bell tolling for a match at the end. It helps paint the picture in your head. This isn't a bad RP, it isn't a winner, but it helps point you back in the right direction.

    Before I start, I want to say that Eve and her friendship with Stacey and Selena is arguably the best use of NPCs in the fed. Even in the RPs where Eve loses, the friendship is always well done. Now, onto what I thought of the RP.

    [​IMG]

    Seriously, that was hot fire.

    In a way, this match had arguably the least build of any of the matches on the card (which Eve and Stacey talked about), save the four way, but the two characters recent journeys are parallel to each other. Both were rising up the ladder, then hit a snag and fell off. It represents an interesting dynamic, and I think Eve captured her fall and potential rise back up better than Logan. Eve has really been addressing the choker moniker hard lately, and I think this was the RP where she was ready to buck the trend, to put it all behind her in a big way. The dialogue was well written and original. The clever bits with Selena, arguably the lowest non referee or Bob NPC, were great. The real meat of the RP was the fire Eve displayed when talking about being a choker. That raw emotion and honesty is something you don't often see in RPs, not that well done anyway.

    Lynx VS Triple X

    Few people are as happy as me to see Triple X back. BK was always a good read and it made me mark when he showed back up. His return has shown he hasn't missed a step. Then this RP happened. Full disclosure, I think the RP is good. The opening was fine, if not cliche. The interludes of X being an asshole were good for character development. The part where Triple X took the megaphone and basked in the hatred of the crowd was fun. It really shows just how far X has turned his back on the fans. The problem I had, and I think a lot will have, is this RP was just so long. It had some solid content throughout, but there was a lot of stuff that could have been taken out and saved for later RPs. I feel like you jumped straight into the deep end on your first PPV RP back. If you scale it back and cut this by half, it's a great RP. As it stands, it's a solid but lengthy read. I really think that will hurt you.

    Lynx, felt very basic here. One thing that was done well was making Lynx feel like Lynx. I think often times, guys get away from what makes their characters feel original, but Dagger usually does a good job of making his characters retain that uniqueness. I didn't really like that the RP was Lynx having a flashback to a bully who just so happened to pick three contrived stipulations in a fight and those stipulations just so happened to be the stips for the match. It felt very ham fisted and the easy way out. I still think Lynx will win based on the length of the Triple X RP though.

    Anthony Mancini VS Wren


    Neither RP here wowed me. Mancini was the better of the two for a couple of reasons. One, he looks to finally be ditching Xaitlyn. No one is happier than me, because I never felt like they clicked and it just seemed to kill a lot of the RPs she was in. The return to the family has potential for Tony as well. While I'm not crazy about the idea, Tony getting involved with the feds also has potential. If Milenko can wash off the stink of some of his flops in recent RPs, then he can break into new heights with Tony, and this RP did a decent enough job of setting that up. Not a great piece, but it does enough for the future to peak my interest.

    The Wren piece was also pretty basic. I like that the last part did set up something for the future, but the rest of the RP was just so blah. I've always had a hard time with Wren not speaking. Sometimes the NPCs make up for it, sometimes they don't, but this entire RP was just Allison going "You lose a lot, you need to win more." I mean that is all it was. I hope the future sets up something better.

    Milenko VS Ace Stevens VS Yemrez Reqonic VS War Zone

    Due to a combination of lack of build, average RPs, and my unfamiliarity with some of the characters, this was my least favorite match to read. There were some positives though, so not all was lost.

    Going in, Milenko was my biggest question mark. This is really my first foray into the character. I know a tiny bit about his history, but its all second hand knowledge. This RP did a decent job of painting who he is. The touching on potential challengers was decent as well, and the bit about the Mayhem champ and Milenko's history was a plus. Just too short to really cover much, probably down to the double duty he pulled.

    Ace was the best of the lot with something that felt like the rust was still being shaken off. One thing that I think that people forget or miss about Ace is that while he is a comedian, he was never a successful or popular one. Due to that, his jokes often fall flat and it can be confusing. The Faygo stuff was a decent swipe at Milenko, the bear bit was a decent shot at War Zone, and the snake bit a decent play at Yemrez. It wasn't groundbreaking nor did they tear down the character's psyche, but it worked here. The end was sudden and pretty flat, but the animal bits were enough to pull this to the finish line a winner.

    War Zone was short, but the content was decent. After a string of failures, War zone starts to look inward and question himself. A lot of big monster characters have done the whole soul searching bit, but it has a tendency to be successful when done right. I know you want to leave, and I would never stop someone who truly needs a break, but this was arguably the best War Zone piece yet. It wasn't great and there is work to be done, but this pointed the character in the right direction. There is ample opportunity to build not only War Zone's background, but his assimilation into the modern world as well, and like I said, this piece helps that.

    Yemrez felt like more of a transitional piece, but so often you transition your characters that they rarely have an impact when you write these types of pieces. I try to find something unique above Yemrez, and before this piece the entire character was nothing but generic babyface to me. She repped her country and fought against evil, that is about as white meat babyface as it gets. Yeah, it worked for Hulk Hogan, but outside of Cena, can you name a successful wrestler with a similar gimmick since? This type of character is dying out for a reason. The good news with this RP is that adding a supernatural/spiritual element to her could work. If she has a divine calling to conquer evil, then it adds some depth to her character. She will need to be fleshed out in future RPs and I think you are capable of doing that after the first half of this piece. The promo at the end though, was pretty awful. I do like that you took to an official WZCW platform and had Yemrez cut a promo instead of just doing the generic interview with Leon. I like when people mix that up. The actual meat of the promo wasn't good though. Yemrez is close to the bottom rung of the WZCW ladder, yet she called out Justin Cooper. I don't buy it. Try to picture it like this, if Tuesday rolls around and Aiden English cuts a promo and calls out AJ Styles, would you accept that? The calling out of the actual opponents was very generic. It felt like you literally opened their roster page, looked at their gimmick, and said why Yemrez will beat that gimmick. The line about The Calling being made was the best part, as it ties into setting up future RPs with that element in it.
     
    #2322
  23. Hyorinmaru

    Hyorinmaru Sit Upon The Frozen Heavens
    E-Fed Mod

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2007
    Messages:
    2,050
    Likes Received:
    1,798
    Titus Avison
    (Lee)​


    I always enjoy your work and this was no exception. You started out with what basically amounts to a nightmare for Titus which I thought was rather unique and very well done.

    The second part was good and addressed the history between you and Tyrone which I feel most would have only touched on but was absolutely needed in a case like this.

    The last part was my favorite. I loves how you used Stacey and ran her off because of what she did.

    I like how you touched on Lebelle and Keaton but it left me wanting more and when I did finish I felt that of was a bit to short for as important a match as this is.

    All in all a we'll done piece that will help The Hollow Ones get the W
     
    #2323
    Dagger Dias likes this.
  24. Dagger Dias

    Dagger Dias Natural 20
    Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    8,862
    Likes Received:
    4,183
    Callie Clark - Matrix (Unscripted 2017 RP)

    You were one of the runner's up in the prediction contest so I'll give you some feedback on your Unscripted RP.

    Did I vote for you? Yes. You did a fantastic job of addressing Callie's concerns about the Mayhem stipulation. I also liked how you brought up the history between her sister and the match type. You just happened to come up against an RP that the majority liked better, when both were strong efforts and somebody had to lose. Speaking from experience it totally sucks when that happens. Be proud of this RP and know that you did get a vote from me.

    I re-read the RP again twice and, honestly, nothing is coming to mind in the way of constructive criticism. You handled your NPC's well, wrote Becky well, and did good with Callie speaking about Tastic or the stipulations to the match. I wouldn't really have changed anything in the RP. It is one of your better ones and against any of a number of other contenders you probably would have won. My advice would be keep going with what you've been doing with Callie. She's your best character by far and I look forward to reading more. I hope this encourages you.
     
    #2324
    The Phenomenal Matrix likes this.
  25. Dagger Dias

    Dagger Dias Natural 20
    Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2008
    Messages:
    8,862
    Likes Received:
    4,183
    Anthony Mancini - Milenko (Unscripted 2017 RP)

    This is for being the runner up in the predictions contest. I found your Mancini RP to be the stronger of the two you wrote this round so here is some feedback on that one.

    Did I vote for you? Yes. I thought that you had the stronger piece when it came to your addressing the match and also liked how it is pointing Tony in a new direction. We spoke a little in PM about what you are wanting to do and this RP was a good start toward your ideas.

    The note from Xaitlyn was a good way to write her off, if that is what it was. I didn't think having her as a manager would have been the best long-term idea. Something I would have changed was the way you did a couple of the spoken lines. When you write something like "Tony (To himself):" you could have kept it the same as a normal spoken dialogue line since Tony is by himself at the moment. Had Gino been there then you could have used a descriptive paragraph. I remember seeing someone else say that it looks awkward when it is written that way with other things in paranthesis by someone's name, and I agree that sometimes it does. This was one of those times. The same goes for "Tony (unhappily)" later on after Gino gets there. I would have instead put "Unhappily, Tony responded to his friend." in a descriptive line and then kept the spoken line normal. I also would have used a different color for Mama Giueseppe. Her spoken lines were almost the same color as Gino's. Maybe purple would have been better.

    Now on the positive side. Whole Tony becoming Christian was a good storyline arc to me personally, other aspects to the story such as the baby and Xaitlyn held you back. This RP was an improvement. You gave what came off as the beginning of a new direction for the character and you left me wanting more. When I saw Agent Henderson's reaction, I wanted to know what will happen next. Keep us hooked.
     
    #2325

Share This Page

monitoring_string = "afb8e5d7348ab9e99f73cba908f10802"