RP Feedback Thread

[Hyorinmaru]

Constantine(Dave)

In all honesty I haven't read many RPs of yours so I don't know much about Constantine other than he used to be a politician and is a former World Champion.


However I thoroughly enjoyed your RP. With Constantine's past as a politician I really got into the press conference setting. I don't think it would have worked as good for anyone else. I got into the story to the point I was bummed that the kid took the bike and young Constantine's dream of owning it someday, which wasn't far off as it seems.


We all knew with Haiku's situation he probably wasn't going to be champion past this round but to read it point blank in an RP just felt weird to me for some reason.

Will Constantine be awarded the WZCW World Championship? Tune into Meltdown 128 to find out.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Ramparte (Spidey)

Just 1 slight negative in the fact you gave Johnny some Blue Dialogue after making him red & Batti blue, threw me off for a second.

I was curious how you were gonna make a believable Ramparte RP with him not being able to talk but I needn't have worried because it was awesome. The interview was the only logical way to go because it gave Batti the opportunity to do all the talking while giving us a more comical Ramparte than we have seen before. I loved that you used Johnny because he doesn't get used enough and the back and forth between him and Batti with Ramparte going nuts in the background had me chuckling the whole time.


Now the 2nd part. I'm not surprised Ramparte plays chess but I am surprised he would play it in public. I pictured him having a hand carved marble chess set in his study that he uses instead.

Again you (obviously) had someone else do all the talking which brings me to Morley. I don't have much to say except I hope we learn more about his history with Ramparte in the coming weeks.

He also mentioned love? Did him mean Ramparte and Batti? Will they be WZCW's new power couple? As if I needed more reasons to read your RPs, I must have answers to these questions.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

And last but by no means least, everyone's favorite Oscar winner (Sorry Leo)

Titus Avison (Lee)

You said in the discussion thread that you didn't really know what to do this round and to me at least it shows. As I was reading it felt like it was forced which I don't usually feel when reading your RPs. That may be why Noah Ryder only got a brief mention but I feel he should have gotten more. He holds the KFAD briefcase and could face you for the Eurasian title after all.

Now onto what I enjoyed. Being an Oregonian myself I smiled when I saw your RP was set in Portland. I've been to Portland and seen the arena where the Timbers play...from the coffee shop in its shadow.

You spent most of the RP talking about Eve. This seems logical as she's the other champion in the match and I liked how you mentioned all that she's dealing with. My favorite was your ongoing theme that the Eurasian title is the top title as long as you hold it and you gave reasons why instead of just leaving it with the statement.



All in all a good RP that I enjoyed reading. Good luck in the Triple Threat.

 

[Dave]

Tony Mancini (Milenko)

Did I vote for you: Yes

Why? First of all, I really like the gimmick that you are working with. You seem to be taking it seriously and it has a lot of legs. You seem committed to it and that's good to read. What I will say, is that I hope you have an idea of where you want to go in the long run. The first part of your RP was by far the most entertaining. I'm not a big fan of seeing people get murdered in a piece of work but I understand that it comes with the territory here. And it is in this part of the RP that the real potential lies. My first piece of feedback is that you should concentrate more on the family side of the work, rather than just spelling things out for people. What did Tony learn from the murder he seen? Why does it matter? I don't think you did a good enough job of tying it together.

And on that note, please try and stay away from straight interview RP's. The way you wrote Stacey seemed a little off, too. Stacey has been doing this a long time and I doubt she would be flicking through her notes to remind her of what to say. And Tony trying to charm her in the beginning really annoyed me. Regardless, this is where you spelt out your intentions for the match. I can see that you have been doing your homework on your opponents and I really appreciated that. You are trying your best to hit a deep burn on the opponent and that goes a long way. Keep that up.

In terms of the overall piece, I really think you have to do a better job of tying things together. If it were me, I would have Tony talk to someone in the second part of the RP about what he seen at his party. Tie it together with Tony telling someone that “he had to do what it takes to make sure that he protects his family and his investments... Just like his father did that day”. I know that is basic but it just makes more sense.

Still, a decent piece of work that deserved my vote. Still a lot of work to put in though.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Veejay (Cyberpunk)

First congratulations on making it this far in the tournament. It seems to be your thing.

Now on to your RP. I can't go much into your backstory as I don't know much of it.

I enjoyed reading it, you write Mikey pretty decent which is difficult to do with someone else's character. It's nice to see Saffron ok but she seems a bit to lively for someone who just had major surgery.


Now this next few items are personal preferences on what I think makes a winning RP.

This is your 2nd year making it this far in the Gold Rush tournament. I would have liked to see you talk about how you came so close last year by making the finals only to lose to Dorian Slaughter and this year is a chance to make up for that by winning the tournament this year.

Your opponent(s), you barely mentioned Tastic at all which for me isn't a good thing. He's a Grand Slam Champion who brings his all every single time and I'm not sure this RP is enough to beat him.


This RP is for the Semifinals as well as the finals and you didn't mention that at all. You mentioned Kagura and Garth Black in passing.

You're up against 3 of the best RPers in the fed in Killjoy, Ech & Tasty and in all honesty I don't see this RP beating any of them.


I would rate this RP a 4/10 and wish you good luck at Gold Rush.

 

[Da Prophet]

Tony Mancini

Immediately the pink colour used for Priscilla Mancini annoyed me. My eyes can only take so much and I found it easier to just highlight to make it readable.

"'Don' Angelo pats his wife's hand as it's on his arm and does his best to relax and lower his blood pressure while she looks back at Tony and continues their conversation." This came off as sloppy work. Felt like you were just trying to fit everything into one sentence. It just kept going on and didn't really add anything. I already know his wife is touching his arm so you don't need to tell me again.

The mother character seems to know stuff about wrestling when it fits the story but will suddenly not know a damn thing at other times. She knows about a big show coming up, calling that I guess trying to play off the idea that she's not in the know, but in the next sentence calls it a pay per view. Then she thinks S.H.I.T. is just a bad word and doesn't know he's a wrestler. "His mother gasps at what she thinks is her son using foul language" This could have been done better. I think having her gasps, if you must, followed by some dialogue from her or more description of her reaction would have been better than just having "what she thinks is her son using foul language."

Why does Don know all this shit about the Japanese maid but Tony has to explain that his opponents have held titles? If his father already knows this then it makes the entire section pointless. It comes off like a quick way to cover your opponents all in a row and get it out of the way.

More description could be used instead of just saying what people are feeling. The FBI guy being furious and seconds later just being angry seemed sloppy. If he's furious then why would be calm down so quickly? Not a fan of the section involving the FBI guy. I get that it went with the ending of the RP but it didn't add anything for me.

Decent RP this week. You've built a nice little world for your character and if you continue to expand the supporting characters you might have something. Even with the few questions I had it was still enjoyable overall.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Luke Manson (FWR)

Surprise feedback for your first RP with a new character.

Like I said in the discussion thread I stopped reading after I read Luke overdosed on coke. With my past stuff like that makes me feel uncomfortable

However after you saying it's only backstory I went and reread it and I'm glad I did. It was a good RP and it did everything a debut RP should do. You gave us a backstory, you talked about your match and why (kayfabewise) you joined WZCW. You also gave us something to look forward to in future RPs and that's Luke's relationship with his son & ex.

Not a bad RP at all for what is the most normal character you've had in WZCW. I can't wait to see what the future has un store for Luke Manson.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Milenko

Now, I told you a while back I told you I would look over your RP and proofread. Can't recall why I did not so I am going to give you feedback instead.

First, I enjoy how you have been writing this character. I know you have had a lot in the past as well and I think you finally found yourself a good Gimmick. Good job.

I remember you talking to NSL about Gino being being ringside and I like how you put that in your RP.

I was a little confused to why Agent Henderson randomly showed up and why he was harassing Tony. It kinda took away from the story on him talking about his match and then talking to an FBI agent, and laughing in his face...

And then a random meeting in the home? Ok, so I get that but it still did not explain if Tony burned the building down or not. Also, as the boss of a huge crime family, I am seeing the Father being more like the God Father and I feel like he can be huge and get you over if you write him like that. You are trying to do so now already and I can tell that (I think) but maybe have him talk less and maybe have the Father have a head henchman who does the talking for him.

It seems really short though and it bounced around like crazy. You built into a Story with Agent Henderson but I don't really know where it's heading. I wanted a little more information on that. The Scene with the mom was good too. I liked how she gave him the good luck charm and that he hopes to give it to his son.

Let's back up a little bit more before I cut this off though. You talked about the match and you talked how you were the rookie...and you talked if you keep winning, they will have to notice you...I feel like Tony could be this over confidant douche like he was with Agent Henderson but when talking about his opponents, he is not?

I think you have a great grasp on the character as I stated. A little more heelish work in this RP would make me a little more happier though . Good job with the writing.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Tony Mancini

Tony Mancini is having a post church dinner with his family. We have, Tony’s uncle Sal, Francesco Melfi, Gino and Big Vito. A little reminder of these (bolded) family members, what they look like, a few words or something would’ve been nice but it wasn’t that important. The main characters to me are his mom, dad, Tony and his manager Gino. I feel Tony’s father Don Angelo has potential to be a really great part of Tony’s story, his potential is sky high IMO and if Frank ever had trouble thinking about what to write for an RP, there’s Don Angelo, who could change everything around for Tony in a bad way or a good way, he’s the perfect problem solver.

Don calling Gino a meat head for not watching over Tony for his match was great, I wish he would’ve went a little more with it though, maybe slamming his fist on the table and flipping over a plate or something. I don’t want to point out any negatives with these feedbacks, but there were a couple of errors that stood out to me like a neon sign, but probably wouldn’t be noticed by a casual reader and I’m not going to cover what they were.

Tony Mancini is a good gimmick, and I liked this RP with his family.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Theron Daggersheild


Mark Flight (his first and last name) should only be used when first mentioned in the RP to remind the reader of who he is, the characters themselves are saying his first and last name out of respect. I’m not sure why you keep using Mark Flight when describing his actions, he’s not YOUR Mysterian Discipler Dagger, I’m sure you won’t offend him since you’re the one who created him.....damn, now this feels like a conversation with M...lol. Anyway, I’m just picking on you there.

I had to laugh at this....

Mark Flight: You're not gonna believe this.... my Head of Security just informed me that we even have a 10th broadcast coming in.... From the Temple of Mystra located in Reverse Throw Village!


Nice!

Playing Chrono Trigger music when Mark talks to Theron had a big video game RP feel to it and that’s exactly what you try to push for in your stories and it works perfectly. Theron is having a hard time getting over the funk he’s in and Mark Flight brings him out of it, Theron is back on track by the end. Good RP.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Luke Manson

A slight negative that kind of irked me a little, there's a few errors that a triple proof read would've fixed. Other than that, it's kind of different reading an RP that uses bold to describe events and thoughts of Luke Manson, it didn't take away from the RP for me. I may be mistaken but I didn't see any new Luke Manson application threads or anything so a wee bit of character description would of helped the reader on appearances.

Honestly, it's a good RP on how it's written but I can't get a grip on the backstory. It's just Luke Manson's beginnings so I guess we'll see what the future holds for him.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Veejay

The RP takes place in a hospital. I liked the interaction Veejay has with Mikey and Mikey’s interaction with Saffron. Then a weird thing happens when reading the RP. I’m not entirely sure on the full story, and to be fair, that’s why I’m about to lay down a tiny negative here. About halfway through, Mikey leaves the RP and it kind of kills it for me. I didn’t really care about his one on one conversation with Saffron, it’s not on Veejay or his character, it’s just a feeling I had when reading it. Anyway, it’s a good RP in total and Veejay has a good chance at taking the win in the end.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Vee A.D.Z


A quick comment, please don’t take offense to this Prince Vee. I recall you once said that English wasn’t your first language somewhere, I’m not sure where you said it or if I was tripping out and I’m just imagining things.....but anyway, I can see it at times in your RP, there’s a few errors here and there, but on the flip side, it really doesn’t distract me that much because you have a great style and a smart writer.

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone talking with a ref post match in WZCW, that was pretty unique.

His conversation with the ref was good, then he went to Dublin Ireland and started chatting with this Trent guy. At first I really didn’t care about the conversation, then Vee started talking more about his career and his opponents and it became engaging and a good perspective on his enemies.

A great RP and it will be a hard vote on this match as the other RP’s were also top notch.

*Missing, Vee A.D.Z’s voices in his head.....are they still around?

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Logan McAllister


There’s this whole Boston world surrounding Logan McAllister, his son Hayden and Brittany. I love that the author K Web V3 uses the accent when Logan talks and also when Brittany talks....what I’m kind of confused about is, why doesn’t Hayden have any sort of Boston accent? Is there something missing that I’m not aware of? Is he not from Boston?

The whole Fenway Park engagement to Brittany was a great idea for the advancement of both their stories. An overall feel good RP that should spell trouble for ???......whoever ??? is.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Ramparte


IMO this match that you’re involved in vs Mancini, Vee A.D.Z and S.H.I.T is going to be a really hard one to vote for and I’d hate to be the guy who had the final say. Your RP’s are always unique with Batti and the GIFS used for her. Batti herself has been overshadowing Ramparte alot lately, she has become the more interesting character and I’m not sure if that was your intention.

I think with such an over the top cute character like Batti, there’s potential for a HUGE heat moment for Ramparte if the author would pull the trigger.....

It’s difficult to say if Ramparte is falling for Batti or his annoyance is like a father figure to her. It’s clear she has feelings for him over the past RP’s. A good RP in total.

 

[Prince Vee]

Theron Daggershield

I have been following the story of this World Magic Conference and I should say, I really enjoy it. It’s good to see how this conference was built up over the past few shows. You were going on a different path during the feud with Dr. Zeus, which certainly needed to change. I think this is a transition period for Theron Daggershield after losing his title and continuous defeats. This World Magic conference provides the necessary change that you needed. Even though you had lost your matches, the story was built up, the character of Theron evolved. The taste of defeat is always sour but Theron had to taste that.

There’s no shame in losing and in your RPs you never hide the fact that you had been losing. This isn’t a superhero’s RP, not the one in which Theron wants to bring light to the world but wanting a redemption. I enjoyed the segments with Mark Flight. The “Reverse Throw Village” spot gave me giggles, nice touch mate.

I liked it how you included Luke Manson into this. You elevated his spot; he is a new face to the company and no one really don’t know what his character is. But you gave him the much needed emphasis and made us know who is teaming with you. I like how Mark Flight prophesied the Tag team match, another brilliant touch.

There are no cons in this RP but it lacked a quite a few things. But the whole RP looked a bit off mood. I can understand there can’t be much fun after constant loses but there could be more fun part added. Like the Reverse throw village spot. Overall it is a good RP, certainly will be a redemption for Theron. I’m fascinated about his next feud. Good job, mate.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Cooper/Keaton (Da Prophet)
I'm glad they let you do both RPs with everything Jeff has going on right now.


I liked these 2 RPs. They flowed very well together but they don't feel like a pair of Tag Team RPs. They felt like a singles RP cut in 2.

I wish you had either gave Keaton his own RP or had at least gave him a bigger role in either RP.

I did enjoy them but I didn't get a Tag Team vibe at all from these RPs, which in a Tag Title match isn't a good thing.

I can't rate them higher than a 4/10 no matter how much I enjoyed them.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Lee

First off, Titus is my favorite in the Fed right now. I love how he thinks that his reign is the best in WZCW right now. Really awesome work and it shows how cocky and a full of himself that this guy is.

I dig the flashback. I love when characters bring up old matches, or feuds. something that I enjoy seeing. I laughed when he started the whole "who are these guys" talking about the older characters.

'At the time there was no EurAsian title, which I hold, nor the Lethal Lottery, which I won, or a hall of fame, which I'm in." i loved this line. Really showed how much Titus has been part of WZCW and why he is one of the best.

I got confused with the whole thing about calling himself stupid. To me, the guy who has really done it all, should not be calling himself stupid. I had to re-read it a few times to understand it and I don't still so...I must be the stupid one....It threw me off and when something like that happens, I can't really enjoy the full RP.

The video. Was. Awesome. You said the first one was better so I'm a little sad that I can't see it but this one really fit into where it needed to be.

The whole RP was good with minor confusion so that helps a lot.


Veejay

You have a thing with this tournament.

First, you wrote Mikey REALLY well. I enjoyed the full conversation between him and Saffron. Good job with that. Only thing is...your character is Veejay? but you begin the story with Mikey and Veejay's wife and don't explain where they are at or where Veejay is.

The Conversation between Mikey and Veejay was written well. Very smooth from sentence to sentence. You touched a bit on the Gold Rush matches but that was a very small portion. I felt like this whole RP was more character development than winning the tournament. I wanted a little more. You are going up against one of the best in the fed in Tastic and if you make it to the finals, Black or Kagura. You wrote a good rp that should get you a win on Meltdown or Ascension but I don't think you got the win here at the PPV.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Dave

The flashback was a bit predictable. Seems a lot of characters have had NPC's that passed away when they are kids, but that doesn't take anything away. I enjoy your descriptions a lot and you are probably one of the best at it.

Well, Jessica is alive so I take back my previous comment . They have seen each other for all of 3 minutes and instead of having a small conservation he is reluctant toward her?

One thing you could have done is have her try to start a little small talk and him just beating around the bush. Then she could have talked about John feeling the guilt for what happened.

Oh the irony of her being in charge of video games after claiming they were boring. Made me chuckle.

Oh, she caught him read handed. She knows what he is up to.....gotta get information on how to beat a nerd from a nerd. I get ya. .

So you are talking about Mikey being a tetris or Pacman player and looking at a psychological point of view which is very interesting. You did a lot of research for this RP and I enjoy that.

Pokemon reference...you have my vote to win now for sure!!!

The whole RP from top to bottom told an amazing story and I really like it a lot. From her climbing the tree reference to the ladder. It was awesome. I said this to Veejay as well and as much as I enjoyed the RP, is it really a world title RP? It seems like you played it safe and while it was a good RP, I think a little more risk could have been taken into it. I enjoyed the description the most about the RP. You have a way of painting a scene and I like that. Good job!

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Elite Openweight Championship


Eve Taylor (FalK)
Just let me start by saying wow. I couldn't find 1 negative to mention in this feedback.

I felt quite a few different emotions from creepy, & kinky to feeling like this is the most important match in Eve's career and she'll do anything to get her senshuken back.

I'm going to give this a 9.5/10. It's as close to perfect as I've seen.


John Doe (NSL)
Again I can only start with wow.

You hit everything that needed to be hit from Zeus leaving and what that means to John. You told us what mask Eve is wearing while tying it to her history in WZCW. I like the fact you used Eva instead of Eve, kind of breaking kayfabe.


I'm gonna give this a 9.6/10 barely edging FalK.


I'm giving the match to NSL because his RP has more of what I like in bringing in history of his opponent as well as his own history while Falk's RP felt strictly character development, which isn't a bad thing but lacking for a big time title defense. I wouldn't be upset if FalK won because this match is extremely close

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Logan

I like your accents as I mentioned before and you got a good grip on them with the two characters.

Phone call with David was basic, but to the point. You get to throw the first pitch which is awesome and the "other" thing...Hmmm....what's gonna happen.

Ok, so now he throws the first pitch which must be a high honor but I'm not sure as I'm not into sports. And whoa, marriage proposal? I wanted a little more into it though...I know that you have been off these past few rounds so maybe put this off at until the next PPV or more buildup to it in this RP, like have him be super nervous or something but now, you have some good story to work with during your next round of shows.

Have you really been here a year?

In the last few Paragraph's, I sense a lot of frustration. Maybe instead of trying to rp to win, just write good story and allow that to work. I mean winning is awesome but telling a story that people will get curious about will probably get you more of those wins.

So when you first debut, you were really about Logan and Hayden but recently, it has been about Logan and Brittany, and Hayden getting the 3rd wheel card. Maybe bring him back and show the relationship with Logan and Hayden. Maybe something where Hayden begins to notice that he is being pushed away and replaced with Brittany. Your opponent is a mystery and did really good with talking about them (whoever it is) so awesome there.

Overall, I enjoyed the RP but it was short. This should win at a Meltdown or Ascension but your on a PPV and needed to step it up!

 

[Hyorinmaru]

WZCW World Championship Ladder Match

Constantine (Dave)
I loved how the flashback worked with the rest of the RP. My favorite thing throughout the RP was how you basically took Mikey's gimmick as a gamer and used it to pretty much get a psychological makeup on him. I never would have thought of it. I could go on and on but I'll end with saying this is what a Main Event RP looks like, amazing job.

Mikey Stormrage (Yaz)
I've never had anyone's RP tug at my heartstrings before but that's exactly what this RP did. I felt like I was there sitting at the funeral while Mikey gave his heartfelt speech.




To both of you: I usually try to put in something that I think needs a bit of work, but even though I was looking for them I couldn't find so much as a typo. You both deserve to be in this match and I don't envy the rest of creative in voting on a winner.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Vee

I enjoy how you put the match with Tastic in your RP. They way you wrote the detail on what was going showing that you have improved from when your first joined. Great job there.

Wow, I dig how you use the Ref from your match in your RP, great research with it also being the same Ref from when you beat Cooper.

"Ah well thanks. But you counted one, two and three when both my shoulders were on the mat."-something that Vee said but didn't really make sense to me. I don't like being confused and when I have re-read things during an RP, it takes away from the flow and that hurts it in my eyes.

Ok, so now we are in Ireland, cool. Charity match. Awesome. I like Charity .

"You’re making a name for himself in WZCW. "-something said by Trent. It should read You're making a name for yourself.

"Am making, hasn’t done that yet, mate." next line said by Vee. It should read "Am making. Hasn't been done yet, or haven't done that yet.

So, I think English is not your first language as I have seen confusing lines with that before and if you ever need someone to read over your RP's before you post to make sure it all makes sense, let me know. I'm not the best with the English Language but I'll be glad to help you.

I like how you are wanting more for yourself, besides facing a bunch of rookies. Always push yourself and set goals.

Multi-man matches are tough...I hated them when I first joined as there is so much to focus on but I feel like they get easier after a while. One thing I was told not to do is list your opponents and that is kind of what you did. That is one reason why when I was in the fatal 4 way tag match at KC, I mostly focused on Ty and Dragon as they beat Logan and myself a few weeks prior.

Overall, I love your description. The dialogue can use some work but like I stated, I will help you with that if you like. Just let me know.

Ramparte

Ain't no Party like a Ramparte cuz a Ramparte Party don't stop!

First off, Batti is amazing. I love her. She is funny but I feel like she has been the main focus of the RP and Ramparte is the NPC. That has to be the reason why I don't think you will win this match.

Bringing up the Magazine! I miss that thing. I enjoy how you use Batti Gifs in the RP all the time.

Very short RP and you barely mention your match at all. I don't like Ramparte not talking But Batti brings it up to a solid RP as like I said, she is amazing. I enjoy how you set up a feud with Kagura as well...Seems like a really good feud if she does not win the Gold Rush.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Theron Daggershield (Dagger)
I seem to be doing feedback today for people who are putting out damn near perfect RPs and you're no different.

I love how we've seen Theron get increasingly depressed and lost with every defeat, sort of a crisis of faith. Then with this RP we have both Kirilah and Mark Flight tell him not to lose faith and it's with Mark Flight this RP really hit home for me. He reminds Theron exactly who he is and losing won't change that. This RP feels like a culmination of everything that's happened since losing the World Title to Dr. Zeus.

You also hit every part of what (for me) makes a great RP. To end I just want to say you did a great job of involving your partner, which is surprising considered an app wasn't even put up.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Titus Avison (Lee)
Yet another RP with no noticeable negatives for me to talk about so I'll just jump right in with everything else.

Ever since you won the Eurasian championship I've been a fan of how you've treated it like it was the Main Event title by just being that cocky guy who knows he's better than every other champion in the company.

You hit everything I like to see in an RP and I absolutely LOVE that you used Fraiser. I didn't watch it much growing up but it still made me smile.


I wish Flex hadn't no showed because this easily could have been contender for MotN.