First, let me point out. All this is my own point of view and not at all reflects everyone else's point of view in creative. We aren't Borg contrary to popular believe. I think I've gone months without winning a single Dave vote. We think differently. I'm from a land with iguanas and toucans (apparently) and people sniff hibiscus even though that's incredibly dangerous because of pollen or poisonous insects. The fuck were they smoking with those promos? Dave's from a land where men wear skirts and eat sheep organs. Skirt wearing fucking vampires. Which is really different from my place. That stuffs rice into pig intestines and then fry it with it's own blood. That shit's real, by the way. It's called a "blood sausage". And it's fucking disgusting.
But onward. I'm doing this because for one, I have the free time to do so and as such, I feel everybody deserves to know how someone who has to read all of these thinks. Secondly, it's because I've been seeing feedback that's not really helping anyone. Matter of fact, I'd almost call it **********ing. You should be saying how you feel reading these pieces, not offering commentary. The idea is to see how other people feel reading your work. Are they entertained like they're supposed to? Does it have value as a written story? Or as a wrestling promo? Are they invested in the characters or the story involving said characters? What did they not like? What took them away from the piece? What's keeping them from investing?
Damn, that writing is tiny
maybe, if you do this again, make it a little bigger....
I like how you talk about how long you really been in WZCW and the fact that you started from the bottom and worked your way up the ladder.
First thing that I seen me that made me do a double take is right away when you go from saying you are going to face Veejay....Then you have to defeat Kagura....and Garth Black. Now it's cool if you want to mention them all here but you will only face one person but I'm sure you know that being on creative and all
...
I like the Interaction between Stacey and Matt. Really highlights how big of a bitch she can be.
God, she really brought up the low ends of your career.
You dug deep into Garth there, even called him a Rabbit!
Kagura does change her name a lot....but it's the same thing that everyone else said...maybe something a bit different could have really made your RP stand out.
Love the Interaction between Live Mas. I like how you brought up the good and the bad of being world champion.
That last line with Stacey really sold the RP and brought it together to me. It made her break her bitch attitude but it seemed really worth it. I enjoyed the shit out this rp.
I appreciate the thoughts, Ryder. But there's very little I can learn from this. It just reads "I like" over and over again about bits and pieces. It's not really insight as to why it caught your attention. You said it entertained you but you barely said why? "
That last line with Stacey really sold the RP and brought it together to me. It made her break her bitch attitude but it seemed really worth it. I enjoyed the shit out this rp." This is what ended it. Which does say a bit of why you enjoyed it. It was because of the interactions between the characters. But it's not really telling me what about the interactions was it. Was it how Stacey came off as a contrast to Matt? Was it how at the end of the day, we strive to be what people expect us to be? Or was it just the shipping fodder? I don't have a concrete answer.
With all that out of the way, here I go.
Garth Black - Wasn't all that impressed with the Garth Black promo. It tends to look great when he's fighting the establishment but on this case, he seemed to have little to no material. I mean, he called my character one that's been favored by WZCW. Maybe it's just because he's being a clear heel but the whole "fighting the establishment" thing falls apart when he says he's around for so long and how another Champion leaves yet he's one of the biggest cases of in-n-out around here. It kills it for me, really. It takes me out of kayfabe. But I do realize he's a heel and it's the point. So even though it takes me out of it, I know why it got as far as it did. It is quite in fact a really good piece. And a good indicative to why Garth has gotten as far as he has lately. Though I feel the lack of material cut short was could've been the winner. -7/10
Kagura Joheki - "Kami" in miniscule. Oops. As opposed to Garth's tirade that just feels wrong, Kagura actually feels like it makes sense because it's a Shinto priestess that caved and embraced evil. So she went from meek and peaceful to loud and batshit. Kagura's bit on me. That was terrific calling out my apparent lack of interest. This was pretty good. -8/10
Veejay - That bit with Mikey felt pretty pointless. It's a nice piece for Meltdown/Ascension, but for PPV it really lacks detail to pull a win aside from the first round and even then a solid piece could trump this. There's very little to go by on the first match and the potential Finals match is totally ignored. I wouldn't say Veejay needs to refresh his character, but this piece really lacked. -5/10
Eve Taylor - HOLY SHIT. This was an awesome piece. It's just fantastic how one fucking question built this entire piece about Eve being this pretty model, the typical "she's fake" style of life but then pointing out she more honest than anyone being herself because she's only got wrestling now. A fantastic bit here. Great ending putting the mask on just to show it doesn't matter, she can be whoever she wants, it's still her. This was fantastic storytelling and a great way to carry a bunch of threads built up over the feud and using them to string a piece that really carries emotional weight and counters John Doe's claims over the course of the feud. -10/10
John Doe - Another very good piece, but I feel it lacked the power Eve's piece did because it never really put into contrast how Doe relates to his own mask in the way Eve did her title. Doe does talk about the constant abandonment both characters face but Eve stretched that out for herself way more than Doe did. Her embracing those abandonments and her identity crisis put a huge damper on Doe's piece that focuses on those bits too making it feel pretty powerless. This was one of the better RP's of the round, but Eve's piece was such a perfect counter measure to it. And it came first to boot. -9/10
Vee ADZ - Vee took a line from my RP and ran with it as solid advice. Have to give him props. He also toned down all the needless junk and had a pretty decent piece focused on his match. I was totally lost on the SHIT line but I can't help but feel this is the kind of RP I'd do back in my early days. Focusing on my opponents to win. It was a pretty decent bit but it did feel quite bland. Dialog was OK at best. Story was substandard. Not that it was bad. It was basic as it should but you can be basic and not be dull. Which is the next step for Vee ADZ. Then soon after you can introduce some storylines without drowning with too much detail in each piece like you used to. -5/10
Tony Mancini - This is such a damn stupid RP for so many reasons. Bad exposition. Just freaking terrible, uneventful, stereotypical dialog. A family discussing a wrestling show with such phoney dialog on a dinner table.
The camera turns and we see the Mancini family along with Tony's Uncle Sal, Francesco Melfi, Gino & Big Vito sitting down to their traditional Sunday dinner after Mass. Both 'Don' Angelo and Tony look like they have a lot on their mind so it's up to Priscilla to get a conversation started.
Priscilla Mancini: Anthony, I was out with friends and missed the last episode of Ascension, did you win your match in the tournament you were in?
Tony gets an annoyed look on his face thinking about his match with Veejay and chews his food before answering.
Tony Mancini: I'm surprised you watch pro wrestling mamma (mom) but to answer your question no I didn't. Veejay managed to beat me and boot me from tournament.
At that 'Don' Angelo looks up at Gino with an angry look on his face.
'Don' Angelo Mancini: You lost because Gino wasn't with you like he was supposed to be.
From the start alone. A bunch of inconsequential names dropped. A question to start a conversation that feels so forced, I'd guess someone was pointing a gun at Priscilla, Tony Mancini reciting dialog like he's Jojo on a backstage segment on Smackdown... Yes, just reading it comes off like that. And then a silly cliche mobster response.
After that silly exposition, we follow with needless shock value. Of course it's a mafia family committing movie cliche crimes and talking about "expanding family business". Dumb. Cliche. Devoid of substance. Was anything accomplished in this RP? No. I felt zero reason to think Mancini is a character worth investing in. Good or bad. Just look at Eve Taylor. Great story with a fantastic payoff. It played perfectly into her character. Which is not just "Supermodel". She grew out of it. And expanded it using what happens in WZCW as backbone and bounces off that with these amazing promos and how the e-fed reflects on her. This piece? Mancini talks exposition about his match on a table with his family. Riveting.
I don't want to hear "oh, but I haven't been around as long as Eve to establish a character arc". You're not establishing a character arc with this stuff. It's discount The Sopranos and it's going nowhere. -1/10
Ramparte - Solid piece with a pretty good sense of vagueness to what's going through Ramparte's head. It came off pretty solidly with him not speaking but Batti still being a piece to give a promo and address Ramparte's opponents avoiding some cheap "Ramparte's thinking rather than talking" continuity issue. For that, it goes over Vee who also had a solid piece but this one also had a unique presentation to it.
Batti has become such an instrumental piece to these RP's. She is a fantastic NPC because she has such an amazing contrast to Ramparte. It really makes his own personality shine STRONGLY. If to say, they switched places, Batti as a wrestler and Ramparte as an NPC, it would be pretty decent. But then you'd have just another quirky character for the e-fed. The charm in the dynamic would be lost I feel. It's Batti reflecting off Ramparte that makes her so great and having her directly be the one to worry about winning matches would put a damper on that. -7/10
M - M's piece felt pretty good and clever at first talking about what a villain was. But then it just kept going. And going. And going. The story in the Amazon was OK, but it wasn't all that interesting, it didn't really gel much with the whole "What Is A Villain" dialog outside of one line and the RP itself just kept going. The story just went too long for the narrative bit to keep up. It wasn't too good.
With that said, you put up way better of an effort than it would be expected from someone that announced they would be leaving. So for that I have to give a big thanks. Much appreciated. -5/10
Abel Hunnicutt - Pretty spendid piece. I feel Abel RP's still don't really focus on matches to the level he should but it's a very compelling and different character to read. It did feel like it dragged a bit in the middle but it was needed exposition if the idea is to show how unstable the character really is. Some ideas could spice up that gap between the intro setting up the scene and the end delivering the impactful and mysteriously scary nature of Abel. But it can always be a risk. It did a pretty solid effort of growing the relationship between Abel and Holmes. It had less fluff than M and the RP felt like it had an overall point pulling it ahead. Though, maybe this would've been the best time to try something a little more experimentive for the future. -7/10
Theron Daggershield - I think it's time for a big overhaul to Theron's style. It used to be big word blocks that were a problem but now it's just that it's not catchy anymore. It really feels like it's the same old same old from Dagger. Stories are nice but when they're all written in the same exact style, the whole D&D style, it really makes them all blend in together. Theron doesn't feel like he's grown much since losing the title. When I wrote about being lost and gimmickless, I never made it feel like something was wrong. I'd just point out that it happens and needed to re-invent myself. That's Theron's hurdle right now.
This piece really feels like it's just Theron saying "Crap, I lost. Oh well. I'll win the next one." That's not gonna pull you out of the hurdle. Trust me. I know that one from experience. While the D&D style doesn't have to be ditched and Theron doesn't exactly have to "embrace the evil" or something like that, these pieces desperately need something to refresh the outlook and make them stand out once again. -4/10
Luke Mason - This was so stupid. I hate shock value RP's. I hate shock value characters. Especially when they have absolutely nothing to offer for a match. This was terrible. Freakin' terrible and if it weren't for Showtime phoning it (Love you, Showtime. Maybe time was short, I know you can get preoccupied, but it's what it is.) and Red Skull no-showing this would've sunken Theron badly.
This wasn't a backstory piece. It just feels like another cliche "I have this really interesting idea" type character where someone wants to tell a goofy story that probably fits better in a direct to DVD film. Sorry. But it's the truth. Thinking off the wall only works if you can write something entertaining. And this was not entertaining at all. When someone like Miko writes an off the wall character like SHIT, it's entertaining because it's clever in it's storytelling. It's subtle in its character development in between its outlandish stories and always reigned it in as something strictly about wrestling. This did none of that.
Well, I didn't want to until recently. I have been down on my dumps lately and really was in a bad place. A few months ago, I overdosed on Coke. I nearly died. All I could think about was my son, who I abandoned before he was born. I broke into my ex's house, just to feel close to them and was caught. I remember seeing WZCW posters in his room. I want to be in WZCW so that I can feel close to him again. Hell, maybe even have a relationship with him. I want to be in WZCW so I can try to be a father.
This is his motivation to wrestle. He saw posters. Put it in contrast to a somewhat recent and similar flick like Ant-Man. He didn't see a poster of the Avengers and suddenly decide to be a hero for his daughter. We learned to care for him because we saw his personality and how it reacted to his surroundings. There was no personality to speak of here. That's some very lousy, not well thought out, story details. Mason was a prototypical former druggie looking to reform. Nothing stood out or felt interesting. I redirect you to Eve on how to make something compelling and interesting. -1/10
Keaton/Cooper - Both pieces separately dragged. Together they dragged even more. They just weren't very interesting for me. Nothing grasped my attention, it was just dialog of a scared man and didn't really make me feel all that interested and then the second piece was a total monologue.
The other guys did see differently and found the dialog intriguing. I do get that you got a bad hand with Keaton having to take some time off. It's not like I'm being critical. It's two pieces after all and one was with someone else's character. Maybe that's why the guys voted for you, they felt more impressed with how you managed. I don't know. I'm not in their heads. We all have different tastes and dislikes. -4/10 (first piece), 3/10 (second piece)
El Caidos - It's clearly a character based on the presentation of Lucha Underground. Which I'm perfectly fine with. I love it in fact. But narrative never was a big part of the presentation. It was the short piece by piece story and dialog. Which in this case, was pretty underwhelming. The Caidos trying to regain his former name feels like it's gotten flat. It just feels forced at this point and seems to have no real purpose. He's fallen. At this point "Why?" is a question that pops up. I know it's because of The Trinity, but they're gone now and without it, the Caidos story loses tons of power.
But I don't hold that against the El Caidos character at all. It's just an unfortunate circumstance. You got dealt a bad hand with Zeus leaving and it's really thrown the work in your RP's out because he's taken the context away.
At the end of the day, this was my more preferred piece out of the thread. -6/10
Ty Burna - The Ty part was the usual to expect from Ty Burna. Solid dialog. Nothing too mind blowing though. It goes over Keaton/Cooper in that it's at least concrete for me. Ty's a dark character so he cut a dark promo and on paper it was suited to win. Maybe it's because it was back to basics that swayed you in other people's minds. Again I don't know. I'm not in their heads. But Ty was able to adapt greatly the last time this Zeus situation happened when he faced Mikey Stormrage. To the point that you beat him. Badly. But again, I can't hold what's going on here against you at all, because once again, it wasn't your fault at all. You got dealt a bad hand. You tried to accommodate and sadly it didn't pan out this time. -5/10
Now as to why you decided to do what you did afterwards, I don't have a single idea. You decided to slap my hand away when I tried to offer a point of view from the inside. You know. That place you've been in longer than anyone else. I was under the impression that if something seemed a little weird in a creative decision, you'd be the first to figure out "well maybe they're dealing with something I don't know about or see something I don't see". No, instead you decided to do what you did. Which makes me quite sad because I always look up to you.
We all write pieces that seem like winners. But at the end of the day, people are swinging blind with these RP's. We can throw a perfect swing at a perfect pitch. But there can always be that odd gust of wind sending it in a different direction.
And no. No one thinks "oh, dark pieces are cliche". Have you read Funkay's stuff?
Constantine - This was a very good piece with a pretty fun metaphorical message hidden in the story. Climbing the steps of a ladder and falling, how videogames relate to a person's personality and how that all fits with Constantine. A very good piece. Though it did feel like it had no resolution. Nothing to really make it seem like Constantine learned from his friend and could use that knowledge to win. I think what put it behind Mikey's piece was that it was perhaps too subtle with the metaphorical thinking whereas Mikey's more overtly impactful piece stood out more. It was louder while having a little less force behind the writing which brought it out more.
All in all, this was quite good but it was very clever. It's what I liked the most. How clever it was. The somewhat lackluster end is what did it in. -8/10
Mikey Stormrage - Damn, this was a very strong piece. It's really hard to put to words. But it has a ton of impact to it and it really encapsulates the Mikey Stormrage character in the face of adversity. It wasn't as articulate as the Constantine piece but what little it had carried so much emotional weight over Constantine's more subtle piece.
With that said, it did feature a death which tends to be a red flag for most people. But this was done far more subtly than other. It didn't feel like it happened for shock value like it tends to be for other cases. It was a plot device to give Mikey the incentive for his speech. Not to mention, it comes off as an obstacle that he has to overcome far more than "oh my God, he wrote that?". It felt like a plot device. Maybe not a needed one, but it felt like one. Which Mikey bounced off of to deliver a great short monologue that spoke very loudly. -8/10
Titus - "Before he slept he listened to the WZCW podcast...." *sigh* Soon. Titus went all Miz in the first part from 2011. Great stuff and great work making the Eurasian title being as big or bigger than the World title. A very solid, creative piece with slight 4th wall breaking but being very condescending about it. Which is just great. Titus has really reinvented himself and I feel him having the Eurasian title in specific has been has best tool. The workout video was a creative bit. Reminded me of the time you beat me at Unscripted with that "Lee the Titus fan" video. -8/10
Flex Mussel - This was also a really good piece. While Titus' RP was solid, quick to the point and pretty unique, this one was a very solid, expanded piece that really developed Flex. It's a really hard pick with this match up as both had their great points. Flex showed great character development which helped him keep up very well against Titus' more creative but less character driven RP. -8/10
Dorian Slaughter - Dorian has such a freakin' way with words he actually makes the rather cliched "destroy everything" bit really entertaining to read. It did feel a bit of like a repeat though. It was by all means not bad at all and it was neck and neck with Logan's piece. Just that sometime it may need something of a twist to pull ahead of other people. Which I'm quite sure you can do. If you come back full time. *wink, wink*
I do need my win back. -6/10
Logan McAllister - This is a very nice piece. With a mystery opponent, it was great for Logan to take advantage for showcasing his character. Solid stuff. Although it was character driven to a fault, really. You did address your match but it felt very secondary. Dorian was dangerously close to winning because of it. You should balance it out a bit better next time. -6/10
