The Standoff

[Jane]

Ok, so, I have to be brief. I'm trying to lower my movement so I don't startle it.. about a meter away from me is a gigantic cricket... it's in my basement, where I sleep, so I can't run upstairs cause it'll haunt my dreams... I don't know what to do. This thing is big... thoughts.

 

[Minor League Brian]

Put something large on it and leave it for a few days, that'll take care of it.

 

[Kanye South]

Have sex with it.

Step on it.

 

[Jane]

I don't have anything to put on it. It's just sitting on the floor.... plotting.

 

[Minor League Brian]

Remember, you're more scared of it then it is of you. Wait...I think I said that wrong.

 

[Mr. TM]

Crickets are noisey.

Fraiser Crane bought a gecko to eat one once.

 

[Jane]

It's on the move.. it moves about a foot every once in a while. I have to slowly adjust myself to see it. I was worried it was a cockroach, but a quick Wiki search proved otherwise. I'll keep you all updated.

 

[Jane]

The final battle is about to begin.. I'm making a quick run to find a weapon.. then it all ends.

 

[Mr. TM]

RIP Jane.

 

[Jane]

I have a weapon.. an empty paint can. It's about to go down..

 

[Jane]

Fuck. I went to drop the can and it jumped! And it just kept jumping everywhere. And now it's right next to our leg rests and I can't get it! This thing is a beast.

 

[Jane]

I'm thinking of spraying it with some kind of harmful chemical, though I fear it will just enrage it. It's a risky chance to take...

 

[Jane]

Plan B(in case my next plan fails):Bring my cat down to fight it.

 

[Mr. TM]

What if the cricket brings its dog?

 

[Jane]

My cat has battled dogs before.. all I can say is it would be a fight to the death... no matter who succeeds. The cricket it running around now... I don't know if I should go for it or try a new plan.

 

[Jane]

Dammit. My fears have been realized. It got under my bar... I need to get it out or I am no man.

 

[Jane]

I'm playing cricket noises on Youtube... I saw it come out briefly but it quickly went back under. Note:The cricket first came out when I was listening to Kings of Leon.. could this be key?

 

[Jane]

It emerged! It's under a cord currently, so I can't drop the paint can... I just need to finish it!

 

[Kanye South]

...........And I'm ruining the Bar Room.

 

[Jane]

Covered the fucker in Windex. He's dying I think... he went insane for a moment. His legs went everywhere and he was trying to jump but nothing happened.
He's just laying there now.

 

[Jane]

It's over... he's dead. I'm thinking of writing a book.

 

[Spaceman Spif]

This is perhaps one of the greatest threads I have read in a long time. I laughed while reading this whole thing... and on a good note, good prevailed and jsutice was served. Well done.. well done.

 

[Kanye South]

If this was one of the greatest threads you have read in a long time, you should just log off.

 

[CH David]

You should be careful, PETA may come calling because you killed a cricket. You know how uppity they are.

 

[Jane]

Thank you, Matt. It certainly was a victory of epic proportions.