The John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks

[The Doctor]

((Ha, I should have used that Lashley says video in mine. I have it in my favorites, along with the sequel.))

Yeah, boxing should stay the hell away. Unless it was scripted, the unpredicability completely fucks with wrestling. It's like if wrestling was a shoot but still had storylines. Say you wanted to push Austin but Austin got his ass kicked by Funaki. Everything would go out the window.
The whole idea was a failure, a complete failure.

As for The Real Man's Man... Terrible gimmick, great entrance theme, and much fun to make fun of and use as a running gag. That could be the Good Part.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And you know something? I have a question, now that I’m finished with this fucking Feminism course. When did it become a bad thing to be a real man? Whatever happened to the man that can pound a beer, and share his sex stories with all his buddies, even if the girl is around. True, we have men like NorCal and such around, but men like him are a dying breed, indeed. When did it become acceptable in this country for a man to go from being a rugged, plaid-wearing, beef jerky eating badass to a well-groomed, "metrosexual" girly-boy like Ben Affleck? Affleck recently agreed to be a spokesman for L'Oreal, with L'Oreal quoted as saying "Ben embodies a new generation of men who show their strength in their personality but are not afraid to care for their appearance." Afraid of taking care of their appearances? It's not that we're afraid you assholes, it's that we don't menstruate. What next? Men getting hormone injections so they can breast feed?

"Ben embodies a new generation of men who show their strength in their personality but are not afraid to breast feed their children."

Is it okay that I don't have a sense of style? Is it okay for me to scratch myself? I'm hairy. I like wearing plaid and I don't want to be told how to dress by some dude with a "queer eye." Is that okay with you sissies, or would you like me to package my balls and neatly carry them in a purse? That isn’t to say that I view gay men as any less, because I love gay people. Hell, my roommate this year is homosexual, and that doesn’t bother me one bit. They, as well, are my equal. However, the “*****es” I refer to are those that enforce a PC era on us, and bind me by societies standards on what is man, and what is woman. No, those social norms have got to go, indeed, and we should only go by what is natural. Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos.

[youtube]CIP3vHwrr4A&feature=related[/youtube]​

….. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I tell you something, my friends, I fear for my safety in such a world. Even now, I can see myself being changed. Look at some of my posts. I shall call those posts part of “Feminism Tenta” Era. Now, that shall be no more. I swear, by all that is being a man, you will never see that sumbitch on the forums again. Sure, I’ll have an emotional side, and I’ll respect women as my equal, because they are. I, indeed, can be a man, and a feminist, without having to worry about the conflict arising from what may normally seem a contradictory stance.

And it is today, that I celebrate my manhood. A day where I grew out my beard a bit for Miss Tenta, and let her rub away at it, before getting down to business. A day in which I crack open a beer with my buddies on the forums, after spending a couple hours with my lady friend, and express my love for all of you on these Wrestlezone Forums. I celebrate the friendships I’ve made with you fine gentlemen, and toast to the future I wish to share with you folks, as it will be filled with terrific stories, and a way of life that can only be found on these forums. So on this, the 101st post in the JTMFTG, I cheers to the friendships I’ve made on these forums, and the bromances that I find myself in at this moment. Of course, not all of the drinks you find in front of us are alcohol, as I cheers to all of you. I cheers to you, FTS, IC, KB, and NorCal, as I also cheers to men such as TM, Tdigle, Will, Slyfox, in celebration of being men, and of expressing manhood. I raise a glass to you Razor, you Savage, you 48.7, you Lariat, you Sign Guy and you D-Man, as the folks that I consider good friends on this forum. There are far too many names to name, and I’m sorry if I’m forgetting folks, I swear I’m not, I have you all in mind for this toast. It just would take fucking forever to write everyone Mostly, I offer a cheers to three men I consider my best friends on this forum, that being the threesome of Xfear, though I’m sure I still have much to express with this man about stories of life, even if we seem to have extremely similar paths, Scotsman Dave (Thunderball to some), and of course the man himself, Doc. Cheers to you all, in a celebration of the wonderful nature that is man, and expressing oneself as a real men. And to this, I note the wonderful and terrific examples we have nowadays, on what it means to be a man. We have discussion and examples in society of men that weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty, and to do everything in their power to live life to the fullest. And what better examples of real men then the following individuals I will now show to you all. Men, arise!

Wait…. What the fuck is this? What the fuck is William Regal doing here? What about him signifies a Real Man? What, at all, makes him seem so manly?

Well, to answer those questions, we’d have to find Vince McMahon, and ask him where the fuck he got these suggestions. And while we search him out, we may now make time to celebrate the next induction into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

Steven Regal: A Real Man’s Man

Yes, I had real trouble finding an actual picture of the gimmick. Sue me. You’ll see it in the damn match.

What Was It: Well, again, it’s only traditional to look at the man that got horrendously butchered by this gimmick, in Steve/William Regal. I say that because when Regal came to the WWE, they decided to change his name from Lord Steven Regal to William Regal. I guess because, well, Steven just didn’t seem British enough for them. Yes, Regal was from Blackpool, England.

[youtube]9hPeGDQVRy4&feature=related[/youtube]​

No, damnit, he’s from Blackpool, not London! Anyway, I felt a need to do that… That was such a fantastic movie. Anyway, yeah, WCW brought in Regal to portray “Lord Steven Regal”, a snob from London, and a true blue blood. This man, I will say, played the role so much better than Triple H ever played that fucking gimmick. Regal had everything to the tee… He could work, he could cut a terrific promo, and more than anything else, the guy could get over. And he literally owned that Blue Blood gimmick. Everything about the guy screamed “snob” and was the type of foe that you just wanted to just punch in the face. He was so sneaky, and he was so fantastic at what he did. Feel I’m wrong? Listen to this promo, and the amazing work he did on the stick. First, though, you’ll have to watch this Sting promo, which isn’t too horrendous.

[youtube]Nb9csTvv8wg[/youtube]​

Yes, everything that this guy did just absolutely drew heat. Even his theme music was absolutely annoying. Take a good listen, here:

[youtube]9W-itZVrqFs&feature=related[/youtube]​

God, I remember as a kid wanting to beat this guy to a pulp. Anyway, I’d personally argue that he was the second best worker to every come from England, and though I’ll get cries of “Bulldog”, this man was twenty times the worker the Bulldog was, with five times the ability to cut a promo. To say the guy was remarkable as a blue blood, is the understatement of the century. He fit the character so well, that there probably was no way, someone should have tried to duplicate it.

Except someone did. Vince had used the same gimmick concept in the same years and such on a debuting wrestler, with a bit of promise. Guy’s name was Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Now then, Hunter would eventually become a better wrestler, but if we’re comparing the two, it’s not even a contest who played the better snob. Regal was every bit the boorish heel that Hunter was, with even better promo ability, and at the time, a better in ring wrestler. Hell, even his entrance music was better than Hunter’s. Oh, and guess what Hunter? Regal’s accent was legit… I wish I could say the same about yours.

Still, Vince used this blue blood gimmick, and also managed to sign Steve Regal in 1998. There was just one problem; Vince had a blue blood running around a little less than a year ago. Yes, indeed, there was already that blue blood gimmick, and surely Vince couldn’t have someone that wasn’t his creation play the gimmick better, could he? Nope, he couldn’t. Thus, Vince came up with a brand new gimmick for Regal. Regal was going to go through a complete gimmick overhaul.

Regal was going to change from a British blue blood to a Real Man’s Man.

[youtube]khSIYmTzt6U&feature=related[/youtube]​

Yes, he actually came out in new jean shorts (Because, I guess, those are manly) and a hard hat. Why he needed a hard hat when he was going to the wrestling ring was beyond me. For weeks, they aired promos of the guy doing… Well, manly things. Chopping wood, working bulldozers, and shit like that. You know, because women can’t do any of those things either. Still, he was portrayed as a real rugged man. He was Britain’s answer to the Brawny man. The guy was to be the manliest guy in professional wrestling, and he had all of the qualifications by, well, being a man. They even gave you theme music to drive home the fact that he was a man. Take a good listen, and tell me that isn’t terrible music.

[youtube]HWJWl6IL0E0[/youtube]​

I get it… The guy’s a man. Jesus. Well, let’s take a look at that manly man in our Match of Ineptitude This match occurs on a Monday Night Raw of the year 1998, and is a bout between Goldust and Steven Regal.



Why It Failed: Before we go any further, there’s something that should be said, somewhat in Regal’s defense. The fact was, this wasn’t exactly a “happy” time for Regal. The guy was noticeably addicted to pain pills, and rarely was in a good mindset to wrestle, let alone attempt to portray a character. I understand that Regal was probably experiencing “personal demons”, and that I really can’t critique him for. Simply enough, the guy was having some personal issues, and sought his recovery through those damn pain pills. Quite a shame, actually, as I’ve said before, I have so much respect for Regal as a worker. However, there was absolutely no way the guy was going to stay employed in the mindset that he was in. Fortunately, he was sent to rehab, and perhaps if he didn’t, he would not be in the WWE, and perhaps not even alive.

As for the gimmick, the fact is everyone knew who Regal was, and we were aware of his work. We knew he was the original blue blood. We didn’t want him as the Real Man’s Man; We wanted Lord Steven Regal, or at least somewhere close to it. There was no way Vince was going to be able to convince us that Steven Regal was a real man, what with the knowledge we already had of the guy. Regal is typically great, but he’s at his best as a snob, portraying himself as arrogant and rich. And that’s what we loved about Regal, when he had his head straight. It’s a very sad thing to say, but we just want Regal as the pompous heel, or even as a comedy man. Regal actually has a sense of humor that is pretty remarkable. For example…

[youtube]06Tr18G3w80[/youtube]​

We love William Regal as either of these portrayals… But we don’t love him as a “Real Man”. We want a legit interpretation, damn it, and when we have that, we love it. But when it isn’t the interpretation… Well, we shit all over it. And rightfully so.

Moment of Saving Grace: Today, the term takes a twist that is literal. You probably noticed just how messed up Regal was during the MOI, and how much he struggled to even keep his balance. It was during this stint that Regal was forced to go to rehab, before he could ever again return to the WWE. I can’t do the story justice, so I’ll allow for Regal to tell it by himself;



You see, it’s stuff like this that make you realize Vince does have a heart, and does care for his wrestlers, in spite of what people may have you believe. Regal, while here, was forced to confront his demons, and realize that he had a problem. Which is not only great because it kept Regal in the WWE, but it also may have saved the guys life. Simply put, I’m a Regal mark, so for me, this was a great thing, even if it was completely accidental. Still, this gimmick was utterly terrible for Regal, and earns a spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Tune in tomorrow, as we induct

Bastion Booger​

See Ya.

 

[X]

Did you...did you just call STEVEN Regal's "Real Man's Man" a BAD gimmick?! More like the greatest god damn gimmick in the history of professional wrestling!

I mean yeah, from a practical point of view, the gimmick was destined for failure from day one. I mean what exactly does mixing Quikcrete have to do with being a Man's Man? But come on man, that music, the best video package of all time, how the fuck could anyone NOT love that gimmick? If there were a Real Man's Man avatar, I'd rock it without a second thought.

Obviously the gimmick wasn't going anywhere but still...greatest of all time if you ask me.

Real Man's Man > Hulk Hogan. Yeah, I said it, want to fight about it?!

 

[Tenta]

Did you...did you just call STEVEN Regal's "Real Man's Man" a BAD gimmick?! More like the greatest god damn gimmick in the history of professional wrestling!

I mean yeah, from a practical point of view, the gimmick was destined for failure from day one. I mean what exactly does mixing Quikcrete have to do with being a Man's Man? But come on man, that music, the best video package of all time, how the fuck could anyone NOT love that gimmick? If there were a Real Man's Man avatar, I'd rock it without a second thought.

Obviously the gimmick wasn't going anywhere but still...greatest of all time if you ask me.

Real Man's Man > Hulk Hogan. Yeah, I said it, want to fight about it?!

LOLZ, I wouldn't fight ya, X, I just called you my best friend on the forum. I do, feel, though, that it may have had a chance, and lasted longer, if Regal had his head on straight. I think his main problem was that he was wrestling with some demons, and it was ver apparent in the ring. I'm pretty sure that he may have blacked out in that match with Goldust, as he basically sandbagged Goldy the whole time. Don't get me wrong, I love Regal as much as the next guy. However, he just wasn't in the right mental frame, and that was very much apparent

 

[TSG]

Two things before I start:
1. I marked out so much when I saw my name mentioned in your post on Regal, it's truly official: I love you Tenta.

2. This is an amazingly great thread. It was the inspiration for the Underrated Wrestler thread I do (where a new post is coming today in the P.M. hours now that I finally have time), and I thourohgly enjoy reading this. Keep up the good work.


Now, on the entry at hand. The Real Man's Man is not something I know that much on, but I do think it could've worked. But this isn't a gimmick fit foir Regal. Nothing about this gimmick works for him, and it never would. he isn't a "Real man's man", he is an English Blue Blood. Everybody knows it, why deny it? Why give him gimmick that doesn't fit him? I makes no sense, even if Triple H had a similar gimmick recently. Plus, the man didn't have his head on straight. he was battling addiction, and it's hard to pull off anything while addicted liek he was. But, given a sober wrestler and a wrestler who the gimmick fits, plus sometime, I think it could've worked.

 

[SavageTaker]

You know, I actually wouldn’t consider the gimmick a bad one. I thought the gimmick was actually pretty good but there was just one problem with it and that was the fact that William Regal was trying to pull the gimmick off. In my eyes I don’t view Regal as a “Real Man’s Man”, I view him as a snob. He seems like someone who thinks they are above everyone else and that they are really better than everyone else, that’s what Regal seemed like not a man’s man. I think if someone else would have been given the gimmick they could have had success because like I said the gimmick was pretty good it was just being played by the wrong person. Regal never looked or acted like someone would in that gimmick. He was meant to play the snobby person gimmick and that’s when I liked him the most and when he was his best in my opinion.

Then you have to add in the fact that William Regal was at a very low point in his life and career. He was battling an addiction to pain killers. It was something serious that he needed help with and it nearly overcame him. Thankfully the WWF stepped in and sent to rehab because that’s what he honestly needed. I don’t think it was helping him or the gimmick that he had an addiction it was pretty obvious when you see his ring work and hear his promos and then you compare them to when he wasn’t using pain killers at all. You can tell there’s a huge difference because it’s noticeable that he wasn’t in the shape, condition, or state of mind to be wrestling or playing a gimmick. Thankfully he got the help needed and was able to overcome all of that and I extremely commend him for that and I commend him even more for the fact that he is not shy or afraid to talk about those dark times in his life and career.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

First, I owe an apology for missing yesterday. Simply put, I was away for the day, and couldn’t get my way onto Wrestlezone. It was nothing against you folks, just couldn’t get myself onto the forums. I hope you all will forgive me. You know I do everything to make this a daily thread, and make it the most enjoyable thread for all involved. I really love typing out this thread, and hope you all enjoy it just as much as I love typing it. Perhaps I take it too seriously, but I really fucking love the work I’ve put in, and the contributions of guys like Savage, KB, X, FTS. Doc, Unholy, and all of you other wacky bastards. I hope you all enjoy these threads, and hope that someday, you’ll type an entry into the JTMFTG.

And you know something, guys? There are just some guys that are really unfortunate when it comes to getting gimmicks. For some reason, these guys just get the short end of the stick. Maybe when it comes wrestling, the guy just isn’t that good. Maybe they just need gimmicks to deflect from the fact that the guy isn’t that great of a personality. And then, perhaps the guy suffers from what I like to describe as “The Lance Storm Syndrome”. For all of the talent the guy has in the ring, people may just feel that the guy is uninteresting, and would rather not give a shit about the guy. As sad as it may be, because I’m well aware of the guy’s work, and know that he’s uber talented, this will probably be my lasting memory of the guy in the ring;



…. You know, I would give my left nut to watch Steve Austin run another promo like this, on Shelton Benjamin. The guy is no more talented than Lance, but the guy is just as boring. This is perhaps the funniest segment I’ve seen in the last ten years. Did it seriously bury Lance? Well sure, but at least he did so by telling the truth. This is my official petition to have Stone Cold back for an episode of ECW, and run a similar promo. After the tour, you are free to contact me, and let me know if you have any intentions on signing this petition. It will surely be the most interesting moment of Shelton Benjamin’s career.

What’s that? This isn’t about how boring Shelton Benjamin is? This is an induction? Wow, this is what happens when you miss a day. You get all confused and shit, and think you’re posting in a Shelton Benjamin thread. Anyway, sometimes, a wrestler just always gets some bad gimmicks. I mean sure, sometimes, they’ll get lucky. Before Glenn Jacobs was Kane, he had to suffer through Isaac Yankem, and Fake Diesel. Charles Wright got the Godfather, though it was always a third rate gimmick to me, saddled to a fourth rate wrestler. Sometimes, a wrestler does indeed get lucky, after going through a poor stretch of creative.

But absolutely nothing compares to the terrible luck of our next inductee. This guy gets bad gimmicks in his sleep. He could create an entire wing by himself in this thread, just by the amount of crappy gimmicks he has done. This man is everything you hope you don’t become in the professional wrestling world. He just has some piss poor luck, and was basically always in the wrong place, at the wrong time. And God bless the poor guy, as he didn’t ask for these gimmicks, any bit. It’s not like he had much of a choice when it came to these ideas. Still, we have to reflect on this gimmick, and it’s surely a terrible one. My only surprise is that it took this long to induct the guy. Today, though, he can’t escape the grasping clutches of the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Poor Mike Shaw… You had to really know that your day was coming. At least you’ve always been a great sport about it, and you are a lovable guy. Still, this gimmick was anything but lovable. So let’s bring him out, as we induct the great

Bastion Booger

What Was It: Before we get into that, let’s exactly describe to you just how poor Mike Shaw’s luck has been with gimmicks.

First, let’s not forget that the guy was trained by Killer Kowalski. That’s right, that Killer Kowalski, the same guy that trained this guy…

Now, Shaw didn’t exactly have the physique of a Trips, per se, but the guy was actually not that bad a hand of the ring. Sure, you’d never guess it with that gimmick, but the guy was certainly capable by his own right in the ring. He’d move on to Stu Hart’s Stampede Wrestling, and was casted as Makhan Singh. He was a pretty good heel there, and was actually a fair bit over. He’d feud with Owen Hart, and even win the North American Title. Here’s a bit of a bonus for you folks, as we take a look at Owen VS. Makhan.

[youtube]KVfUMCs-bfs[/youtube]​

Yep, that is correct. Bastion Booger had a fucking title run. Anyway, he wasn’t horrendous for a heavyweight, I suppose. He’s no Vader, but at least the guy could do a few good things. He was good enough that WCW took notice, and signed him aboard. And the gimmick they gave him? Well, he was referred to as Norm The Lunatic.

In this gimmick, he was led around by a young Theodore Long. By a giant key. Yes, he was led around by a giant key, as if he was a fucking dog, being led on a leash. Which leads me to wonder what a conversation between Teddy Long and his dog would sound like;

“Now playa, you gonna go on outside, and ya gonna handle ya business, and do some thuggin’ and buggin’ when we get out there. You will go out there, and do yo thing out there. Believe that, playa?”

He was threatened by Teddy to be returned to the psych ward, if he ever went against Teddy’s wishes, he’d be returned to the psych ward. He then went on to turn face, and become a jolly insane person. Which leads me to wonder just how jolly an insane guy could be, but the guy was a lunatic. Anyway, as you can expect, the gimmick didn’t get over too well, and he moved on the WWE, to presumably bigger and better pastures.

Like playing a Friar on television. I kid you not. The guy played the role of fucking Friar. Everything you could ask you for in your Friar was there, including the Gregorian chants, and the Holy Water. I know that Vince is very loose on his interpretation on religion, but this was just stupid. If there weren’t such things as McMahon VS. God, Mordecai, Dustin Runnels finding God, and the Church of McMahonism, this would really be the worst foray into religion by Vince. It wasn’t that far off, though. He would sprinkle the fans with holy water, and would even do prayer incantations in the ring. Naturally, this wouldn’t be too popular… Well, with anyone. Fans didn’t like the gimmick, just because of how moronic it was, yet it also encouraged despise from the Church, and residents of the New York area. To say the idea was sacrilegious is like saying Hulk Hogan was bald. Even then, I just don’t think wrestling fans were ready to cheer for members of the Papacy. So, Vince decided to scrap the gimmick. Only problem was, now he had this guy under contract. What could he possibly do with a guy whose work rate was deteriorating, and yet still could kind of move around? What could he do with a wrestler that was just pretty fat, and otherwise didn’t have much to stick out about him.

Well, you make him a hideous sight, of course. Thus, the character of Bastion Booger was born. It was really simple, actually. All he had to do was put him in some revealing clothes, and automatically fans wouldn’t like him. I mean, who likes looking at fat people, I’m sure Vince thought. The way to get this guy over was to have him in the most revealing clothes ever. The clothes even worked to create a “hunch” on the guys back, making him that much more horrifying. From there, all he had to do was just go out there, and act like a complete sob. He’d so things like make his singlet/dominatrix apparel look really dirty, and smile to reveal the teeth that he was missing. He’d burp, fart, and look just horribly disgusting, all with implied comments by Vince and the like that the guy didn’t shower. Not to mention the hideous nature of his entrance music…

[youtube]W_-nQ_1cLRU[/youtube]​

As his bulbous body waddled down to the ring, fans surely must have been disgusted with the sight of this man. Surely, Vince had figured a perfect gimmick for the guy, one that would get the fans response… Right?

Well, if by response, you mean, “become a bathroom break for the fans”, then I suppose you’re right. Now, let’s go into his Match of Ineptitude. This match would go on between The Booger, and one of the best big men in the business, Bam Bam Bigelow.



Why It Failed: I mean, what do you want me to say about this gimmick? Not only did fans find him hideous, they also found it unappealing, and went for a bathroom break for all of his matches. The guy was hideous, and it was noted by the fans. But after that, no fan was going to stay around for this one. It was pathetic to watch him waddle around, and look like a slob. That isn’t entertaining… It’s merely a way for fans to run away from the show, and hope that they never have to view something as hideous as this ever again. I can a take a wrestler that’s a little unkempt. But a guy whose entire purpose in life was to fart and then smell of farts? His ring entrance music? Burps and farts. The food he ate? Usually wound up all over his face and body. The noises he made? The sound of thighs rubbing together. And hate. Can’t forget the hatred

People were more put off by having their intelligence insulted than any of the juvenile unwashed antics of Mr. Booger. When you watched him, you just truly got the feeling that the people behind the scenes in the WWF had just given up. That they stopped trying. You got the feeling that they felt that the audience would buy any old garbage they could Frankenstein together. I mean, we didn’t even get on the guys finishing move yet, which was basically falling crotch first on a guy. Tell me that isn’t a nightmare situation. The only worse possible move I could think of would be a stinkface. Simply put, there’s no saving grace to this guy, so let’s just forget it for today, and leave it at that.

After all, today I have a big announcement to make. It appears as though this thread has caught some attention. And I admit, I love the way I’ve made it. However, it also has caught the eye of amazing posters. Posters I consider far better than me. And one of those posters has asked to take the task of writing out an induction. He is a mod, and he mods one of the most popular sections of the forum. Besides that, he’s an overall nice guy, and really cares about the business. So let’s give a big round of applause for

Swax1!​

… Just kidding. God, do you really think I’d trust this thread to anyone? Fuck no, this is my namesake. And if someone’s guest writing, damn it, they’d better be one of the best. And this is the case for this guest writer. He’s one of the best posters on these forums, and is a mod. You may have seen his work in the Cigar Lounge, as he’s one of the most philosophical people on the forums. Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give a round of applause for the magnificent…

Fromthesouth​

That’s right, FTS has taken up the duty of tomorrow’s piece, and he will do this piece proud. He’s been researching a gimmick that I wish I’d found myself. By the end of his post, you’ll wish he was the owner of the JTMFTG. And that gimmick is

Zeus​

I conclude this with an offer to anyone… It doesn’t have to always be me writing out these gimmicks. While I love doing them, I’m always open to hearing if someone wants to do a bad gimmick, and wants to do this place justice. Now then, if you want to make one, there’s no standards to it. You don’t have to do the amount I do, you can do as much as you feel will get the point across. However, this is what I normally do for a JTMFTG…

They usually run me about six to seven pages on Microsoft Word. That may be a bit much, but its how much I feel does the gimmick justice. There’s usually not a count of paragraphs, but I’d say there’s about eight to nine paragraphs worth of content here, sometimes eleven. You don’t need video clips, but I include them to escape the monotony. Finally, just do it justice. You’ve seen other people write out these things, and I feel they do it justice. Just do a good job, and all will be good. But, if you’d like to take an offer from me to do this, you’re more than welcome. I’ll usually accept one guest writer a week, and that guest writer will get my rep, if they do a good enough job. It takes a bit of time, but I assure you, it’s worth it. I am openly accepting applications, right about now.

See ya.

 

[The Doctor]

Well, Tents, I'd have to say you're my best friend here as well. It's really nice of you to say stuff like that ;;

How did I not notice the Real Man's Man's induction?

I adore that entrance theme. I have it on my iPod. The gimmick itself was hilariously awful, but that music was great. And the moment of saving grace was very touching. What DVD is that from?

Bastion Booger...ugh. He's the only man who can hope to compete with TL Hopper for worst entrance music. That entrance music makes me want to vomit for real. The gimmick was disgusting. And yet...
It could have worked, if he wasn't such a turnoff for the fas. It's like he did his job too well. He generated so much heelness that people left rather than watch the guy. It almost work, but it really missed the boat.

 

[TSG]

Are you kidding me!? I *********e to Bastion Booger! He is HOT!!!

Yeah, I was being sarcastic. I can just imagine the meeting between Bastion Booger and Vince McMahon:

Vince: So let me tell you about your new gimmick. We're goinna put you in revealing clothes, because you are fat.

Bastion: I don't know...

Vince: Oh, I'm not finished yet. And your going to be dirty, and you're going to burp and fart and all kinds of fun stuff.

Bastion: But Vince, won't that repulse people? Nobody will like that, it won't get over!

Vince: Sure it will get over, I mean, I created it. Wait until you hear your new theme music...

I swear, this gimmick is disgusting, and whoever thought it could possibly get over was insane. Booger could turn a gay man straight. I'm sure many people lost lunch over this gimmick. It sure disgusts me. It is just so horrible, and a perfect introduction into the JTMFTG (which is awesome, by the way). In closing, let me just say:

Bastion Booger? EWWWWWWWWWW!!! Haha, peace.

 

[SavageTaker]

My god, what the hell was Vince thinking when he was thinking of the gimmick for Booger. Was he taking a crap and suddenly thought a wrestler who made noises like farting would be a great gimmick!?!? Come on Vince, were you crazy or on medications back then? It’s just disappointing to see terrible gimmicks like that of Booger because you would think us fans deserved way more than what we got. It’s just disappointing thinking of those gimmicks being put on because they were horrendous.

Now, Booger was terrible to look at. He was a fucking nasty and disgusting looking fucker with that attire. I think the best word to describe the way he looked with that attire is repulsive. Seriously, no one wanted to see him because of the way he looked. People were disgusted and rightfully so. No human should ever have to look at someone that looked horrible with the attire Booger was wearing. I just don’t think the word repulsive describes enough on what I think of the way he looked. There is just so many things I can say but I won’t because there really would be no point, so I’ll just leave it at he looked repulsive.

Now, he wasn’t entertaining at all when he was playing that gimmick. He was a decent heavyweight, definitely not in a top 10 list, but he was decent. He could do a few things but from what I’ve seen from him as the Booger, I haven’t been entertained by any of his matches, except the Bam Bam one but we all know why that match was entertaining. Like I said he was a decent heavyweight but he didn’t entertain me. Maybe it was because of his attire that made it hard to focus on what he was doing in the ring or maybe it was that he really wasn’t entertaining, but the fact remains that he had a terrible and horrendous gimmick. He rightfully deserves to be inducted in the JTMFTG.

Also I’ll be looking forwards to FTS’s induction of ZEUS in the JTMFTG and I’m sure he’ll do a great job as he never disappoints with his posts.

 

[FromTheSouth]

Welcome again, Ladies and Gentlemen, to the show that ends, nightly. The John Tenta Memorial Of Terrible Gimmicks. Yes it's the well written series of posts by our favorite almost rookie, JohnTenta4Hof, or one of his many names. It's all the length of a Will post, with a bit of the attitude of a Slyfox post, with, hopefully, some of the humor (hopefully) of, well, a Tenta post. This memorial serves as a place to remember some of the worst moments in the history of wrestling. While some people may bitch and moan about the lack of gimmicks now, they need look no further than this thread. Tenta daily posts the reasons why wrestlers have “personalities” now. I would rather slide down a razor blade into a pool of rubbing alcohol than deal with the likes of the Giant Gonzalez and The Dungeon of Doom again. This thread is the shark in a world full of gimmicks that never got past minnow stage. As a note, to me, this thread is a source of great entertainment, and I hope I don't ruin it.

Entertainment is rife with stars that try to find other spotlights to shine in. Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, hell, even Michael Jackson all tried acting. This stems from an era in Hollywood, where the movie stars sang and danced, singers filled up the cast in Ocean's Eleven (not the one Clooney ruined, the real one). Some of these crossovers were met with rounds of applause, and some with choruses of boos. But, they all had one thing in common. The mass appeal was enough to draw ratings. Recent crossovers have been met with the same reaction. Look no further than the Battle of the Gridiron Stars. Watching Jake Delhomme hit a baseball like a pro was exciting, and watching Chad Johnson (now, Ochocinco) hit a golf ball like, well, me, was hilarious, but it was all entertaining nonetheless. These guys are the best in the world at they do, and when they crossover to other sports, the success or failure is separated by a thin line, and the results correlate the same. Wrestlers, of course, have attempted crossovers as well. Let's examine some of them.

John Cena has starred in two of the worst movies of the decade. In all honesty, it might not have been his fault, but as we'll see in a minute, bad writing, bad ideas, bad directing, and bad asses don't always mix too well. Both of these movies are heavy on the action, but light on the reasons for that action. Cena served as nothing more than a good looking stunt man who inevitably was going to get the girl and defeat the bad guy.

Dwayne Johnson, on the other hand, has had quite a bit of success of in acting. While many of his movies have been cheese, they have been far superior cheese to Cena's. Johnson also does an amazing job as whatever character he is given, and has been rewarded with a role in an actual big time movie or two.

No two men represent the two sides of the crossover coin better than these two. There is success and failure in every venture, and these two have epitomized those sides to a T.

Now, along with crossovers, there is cross-promotion. Sometimes, a representative from a show will go onto a completely unrelated show, and try and draw a certain part of the demographic back with it. The 70's and 80's gave us The Battle of Network Stars. Putting hot young TV stars in tight T-Shirts and having them run, sweat, and climb in athletic competition would certainly drive that powerful male demographic over to Dynasty and Knot's Landing. Well, it would at least create awareness of the shows. I wonder if wrestling would ever cross promote?

I mean, is there an example of wrestling joining in the clusterfuck?

Well, I don't know, but it sure seems like something Vince would enjoy. No press is bad press, right?

Nothing illustrates Vince's desire for press (or his and Hogan's egos) like No Hold's Barred. 1989's worst movie (my opinion, but please, argue with me) is an example of crossovers cross promoting crap. This match featured a limo driver shitting himself, a felon wrestling, on line TV, in steel mills, and Hulk Hogan winning a gun fight by throwing pies. Now, I am going to remember that this is a memorial for terrible gimmicks, and not terrible movies, but the two are inseparable.

Basically, Hulk Hogan is Rip, the WWF champion, and after refusing to wrestle for another network (who's President is the guy from Head of State that claims he should be President because Sharon Stone is his cousin), gets tormented by said network head and an ex-convict wrestler, who goes by Zeus. Zeus is, of course, played by the memorable Tiny Lister, who made a career out of playing criminals, bouncers, and wrestlers. He is the go to guy for an intimidating presence that doesn't speak. Anyway, after failing to get Joan Severance to seduce Rip, Zeus beats up Rip's brother (who, for whatever reason wasn't played by Ed Leslie), forcing Rip to confront Zeus in the ring. With his friend's lives in danger, Rip must win to save them. I won't give up the ending, but if Hogan didn't put anyone over in the ring, what are the odds he did it in a movie where he is listed as co-producer with the man who never forced him to put anyone over? It would have been fine if it had stopped with a movie, however it didn't, and that is how we get today's enshrinee into the JTMFTG. By the way, I watched this tragedy of a movie to write this, so appreciate me.


Zeus

A Wrestling Challenge taping in Nashville formed the setting for the debut of Zeus (still played by Tiny Lister). It was aired on PPV (yes, I made my parents buy it). This feud lasted all the way to SummerSlam '89.

From wiki:

The main feud heading into SummerSlam was between The Mega-Maniacs (WWF Champion Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake) and Randy Savage and Zeus. At WrestleMania V in April 1989, Hogan defeated Savage to win his second WWF Championship.[5] WWF financed a professional wrestling movie "No Holds Barred". Hogan starred as the hero Rip, a popular professional wrestler, while Tom Lister played the villain Zeus. In the movie, Hogan defeated Zeus. The rivalry spanned in WWF, because Zeus wanted to take revenge from Hogan in real-life. In WWF, he was also billed as Zeus. He made his first appearance on WWF television on May 27, 1989 edition of Saturday Night's Main Event before Hogan's WWF title defense against Big Boss Man in a steel cage match. He was introduced by Boss Man's manager Slick. During Hogan's entrance, Zeus badly attacked him.[6] On July 29 edition of Saturday Night's Main Event, Zeus attacked Brutus Beefcake during Beefcake's match with Hogan's rival Randy Savage. Zeus did this because Beefcake was Hogan's best friend. Hogan came to the rescue but was unable to drop Zeus because Savage gave him two chair shots in the back.[7] This lead to the Hogan & Beefcake vs. Savage & Zeus encounter at SummerSlam.

The Zeus gimmick is responsible for taking all the steam out of the greatest feud that the WWF had ever offered, Hogan and Savage. After that, the WWF never had a chance to continue Savage and Hogan. I understand that Wrestlemania V was supposed to be the blow off of that feud, but in all seriousness, could they not have given us one more one on one match.

To think of it, all Savage did after this was watch Warrior talk to his hands and have his wedding fucked up.

Now, in the movie, Zeus only lines were saying, “Rip” “Zeus” and “*grunt/growl*.” Of course, he would be the perfect person to pull of a PPV level promo for the WWF. How he got a seven month run in the WWE blows my mind. His most memorable moments are grunting, chair shots, and leg drops. This was a horrible idea from the movie, to the wrestling. Vince, himself made fun of this movie ten years after it came out. He claimed that Hogan still owed him money from a bet over whether or not the fild would make money.

Let's take a look.

[youtube]yyrMTs2888c[/youtube]

Zues, we are in a séance, why are you hollering?


I had two choices for the Match of Ineptitude, but I chose the showdown at SummerSlam.

[youtube]NlCDaQVHIpE[/youtube]
[youtube]K64iu8F66K4[/youtube]

Lister had no place in a wrestling ring, and that was obvious. But, he can say he main evented what is supposed to be the second biggest PPV of the year, so yeah. He was great at choking. This should have been the example Vince used to learn that “the look” didn't equal “the talent” to be in the WWF. It didn't work, and no one is more pleased by that than Chris Masters.

Anyway, after this match, or course, Sherri gets her hair cut, because that's what beefcake does. This would serve to further the Zeus/Hogan feud.

This feud of course, ended with Hogan having to give Zeus three leg drops. Well, wait to bury every Hogan opponent, um, well, ever. Thee leg drops are of course the first sign of the apocalypse, and soon WWE would suffer great losses.

The Moment of Saving Grace

Tiny Lister has had constant work since this movie. He has had over 120 roles in the 20 years since this movie came out, with an astonishing 11 coming out over the course of the next year. True, he isn't a star, but he is a recognizable face, who plays recognizable roles. There will always be a need for toughguys in movies, and none are tougher, or more prolific that Tiny Lister.

 

[SavageTaker]

This is my 600th post so I’m going to be a loser and say congratulations to myself. Anyways, FTS Great Job I really enjoyed reading it.

Like you mentioned because of Zeus, it took out all of the steam in the Hogan/Savage feud. That feud makes me wish I was born during the time it happened so that I could see everything about it that I haven’t been able to see because I can’t find anything. I’ve seen videos and I have the Savage DVD with their spectacular match at Wrestlermania match. However, I feel like this is one of those feuds you wanted to see continue because of how great it was. They could have had one or two more one-on-one matches, but that’s obviously what unfortunately didn’t happen. It was just really a shame that Zeus came in and all of the steam in the Hogan/Savage feud left.

Zeus just wasn’t good. He had THE look but nothing else. It showed that Vince was willing to hire anyone that looked the way he wanted them to look. Zeus wasn’t entertaining at all and he wasn’t any better in the ring. He was just horrible and unfortunately Vince didn’t learn the lesson that having a good look does not mean you’re a talented wrestler. Oh, when will he learn?

As far as the movie, I don’t want to comment too much on it. Why? Because I tried watching it once and I couldn’t get through the whole thing. All I’m going to say about it is that it was a horrible movie and I’m glad I didn’t watch the whole thing because I’m afraid of what I might have seen.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

First, though, we have two orders of business;

1. FTS, you performed a magnificent job with the Zeus piece. Folks, I’m not sure you get how much crap he had to go through to watch that movie. Not only is it extremely obscure, but it also sucked balls. There’s no other way to put it. This movie was horrendous, by every stretch of the means. We learned just how poor of an actor The Hulkster was, and Zeus was just as poor a character. FTS, I give you major props for having endured that piece of crap. There’s really no better name I can use to describe it. Anyone that can stomach both the movie and the accompanying gimmick deserves mod status. Speaking of which you should go to the lounge, and support the writings of men like Razorback and Xfearbefore. Which leads me to

2. Well…

The following announcement, has been paid for by the New WrestleZone Order

[youtube]Pqaah16-588[/youtube]​

Yes, as you can imagine, this thread has been taken over. If you’re not a member, watch your ass. This thread is official property of the nWZo, and as such, will be used for our purposes. We post in our threads, and we take over threads we want. And this thread is the beginning. WrestleZone, this is a terrific day, indeed. But yeah, not much is really changing about the place, at all. Just, you know, promoting the new faction of WrestleZone. Be careful folks, this has gotten really infectious, and to be quite frank, I really love this thing. So I’m going to promote it as much as I can.

Now then, we’re on to today’s topic, and I’m going to confess something to you all… I really fucking love Spiderman. I feel that he’s the best superhero within the confines of what being a super hero means. And I say that because he encompasses so many qualities of other heroes. Now, then, let me tell you exactly why.

Like Batman he is an urban, street level hero, who also goes on the occasional cosmic or inter dimensional adventure and it totally works. He could be going up against Doctor Doom in one issue and Rhino in the next. His adventures are so versatile and interesting. Another aspect that I really enjoy about the character is what most Spider-Man fans like about him. I’m talking about his witty wisecracks. He spouts jokes and wisecracks as he fights bad guys and I love that about him. It puts a smile on your face and makes you smile. It also keeps things from getting too serious. I truly appreciate this lighthearted aspect of the character. My favorite elements of Spider-Man are his selflessness, nobility and heroism, even in the face of overwhelming adversity. Spidey’s had to make some pretty tough decisions in his life. Choices that have cost him friendships and relationships. Choices that have forced him to alienate a lot of the people he cares about, but ultimately these choices were the right ones.

He sacrificed a lot to do the selfless thing, the noble thing, the right thing. This in large part is a result of his upbringing. Uncle Ben and Aunt May raised Peter right. These were good people, salt of the earth, compassionate, kind and amiable. They taught these values to Peter Parker and as a result he became a great hero. This reminds me of another popular Superhero’s adopted parents. Of course, I mean Superman’s parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent. They themselves passed down their kindness and compassion to Superman. So the way I see it Spider-Man and Superman had very similar upbringings. I’m sure that if Uncle Ben and Aunt May ever actually met Jonathan and Martha Kent they would become the best of friends. They have the same morals and values.

Yet another similarity between Spidey and Supes is their common newspaper jobs. The Daily Bugle and the Daily Planet. Clark is a reporter and Peter is a photographer.

Let’s not forget Spidey’s rouges gallery, which in my humble opinion is the best aside from Batman’s rouges gallery. Let’s take a look at DC’s and Marvel’s respective Femme Fatale Cat burglars. Catwoman and Black Cat.

Catwoman and Black Cat are both sexy female thieves with feline themes and crushes on the heroes . I find it Interesting is that Spider-Man’s and Black Cat’s relationship is almost identical to that of Batman and Catwoman.

Yet another comparison that I like to make between Spider-Man and Batman is the fact that they have both had loved ones killed as a result of crime. With Batman it was both his parents Thomas and Martha Wayne, while with Spider-Man it was his uncle Ben Parker. As a little boy, Bruce Wayne is horrified and traumatized to see his parents murdered by a mugger in front of his very eyes. This drives him to fight crime in Gotham City as Batman. Spider-Man has a similar origin, but with a twist. After Peter gets his powers, he becomes a successful TV star. One day at a studio he refuses to stop a thief, saying that it is the job of the police not that of a number one star. Weeks later his beloved guardian, Uncle Ben, is murdered and an angry Spider-Man sets off to capture the killer. When he does, he is horrified to find that the man is none other than the thief he refused to subdue. Learning that with great power comes great responsibility. This even propels Spider-Man into becoming a superhero. Simply put folks, Spiderman is just a bad ass. And Hell, you can’t help but love that fucking theme. Just take a good listen

[youtube]_Od6CxrhqKk[/youtube]​

No, no, no! Not that theme. I’d slit my wrists before listening to that pile of crap again. I mean the good stuff.

[youtube]4o29VoxtsFk[/youtube]​

There we go, that is classic Spidey. However, there’s just something about ruining a hero’s legacy that I just fucking hate. Especially when you’re doing so at the expense of a famous wrestling family. So Gladly, this next gimmick gets a clean spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

Arachnaman

What Was It: Again, let’s take a look at the man portraying that gimmick, in Brad Armstrong.

The guy, like noted before, comes from an outstanding wrestling family, in the Armstrong family. Such a group is perhaps a bit obscure for some of our younger fans, so I will spare the rant about how you young bastards know nothing, and just show you the most “famous” member of that family

[youtube]http://www.newwrestlingnation.com/site/roaddogg.jpg[/youtube]​

And yes, I blurred out the two letters on his chest. Simply enough, because DX is an irrelevant thing to me… At least now. But yeah, The Armstrongs have a long legacy within the family, and Brad had multiple members of the family in the business. And Brad himself was a pretty good hand in the ring. The guy was surely talented, and had a way with working in the ring. Don’t believe me? Here’s a bonus match, between Brad and some fucking stiff names Goldberg. Wonder what ever happened to that poor bastard… Probably never got over…



Brad always had a talent for getting folks over… There’s just one tiny problem… He couldn’t get over himself. There’s said to be an Armstrong Curse, and I’d say that it fits for Brad. He was a great hand, but the guy just didn’t have much charisma. Still, he could work, and trust me, with guys like him around, WCW needed to put all the guys that could work in the ring. God, do I really need to bring up fucking P.N. News again.

So, WCW decided to make him a Hero…. No, they were going to make him a Superhero… They were going to make him the greatest Superhero of all time!

…Unfortunately, that meant blatantly ripping off a Superhero. And the poor victim of copyright infringement was, indeed, Peter Parker himself.

Like Glacier — a ripoff of a Mortal Kombat character you might have seen a little earlier in this Thread— Arachnaman came out of the proud wrestling tradition of stealing ideas when your creative well is drier than Jake the Snake’s minibar. This brainfart from the Mensa minds at WCW looked like a third-world knockoff of Spiderman. Much like Spider-Man, Arachnaman displayed superhuman agility and an outfit that flat out ordered you not to take him seriously. When he came through the entrance way, four people would half-heartedly clap...everyone else would grab the nearest five-year-old so they could claim they didn't come to this lame show for themselves. Arachnaman wasn't exactly a force in the ring. He won sometimes, causing even more people to get pissed, because that meant you had to hear his horrible theme music twice in one night. Even worse, the guy would shoot “webs” at his opponent, which may actually been worse than any other type of wrestler specific attack ever. Unfortunately, there was one tiny problem with the actual webs…. They weren’t real webs, whatsoever. And that’d be ok if they actually looked like webs… But they didn’t. They weren’t webs… They were poorly hidden containers of Silly String colored pink and blue. Now, if this is me, I’m not thinking I’m afraid of the spider shooting pink and blue webs. I’m thinking that spider really needs to see a fucking doctor, or that it may have explosive diarrhea. Coincidentally, that’s what everyone in the arena got after watching this travesty.

The IP theft was so pathetically blatant that Marvel Comics threatened a lawsuit and Arachnaman went to that great Lousy Gimmick Battle Royale in the Sky. Come on, I'm sure it was possible that radioactive spider might have bit someone else before he bit Peter Parker, right? Man, I would have loved to see that case argued in court...

I digress though, let’s get to the Match of Ineptitude. This one takes place between Arachnaman, and Steve Austin. That makes this two matches Steve’s been involved with here in this fucking thread. Amazing…



Why It Failed: It was a blatant rip off. What more can I fucking say? Look at the damn names.

Arachnaman

Spiderman

How is that not, in any way, a complete rip off. Everyone knew it, and instead of caring, people just got really pissed, and boo’d the shit out of Armstrong. And who can blame them? This was as obvious as Jenna Jameson with legs wide open. It was that distinct, and everyone knew it. There’s no way this gimmick was going to last longer than a month with that kind of gimmick. I wish I could say more to as why it failed, but that was pretty much it. Still… Nice silly strong, innit?

Moment of Saving Grace: That’d have to be Brad Armstrong’s work. Like I said, the guy was credible in the ring, and perhaps with another gimmick, the guy could have gotten over. He came from a famous family, and had all the tools you needed. The only thing he needed was a gimmick. Actual, let me rephrase that… The only thing he needed was a gimmick that wasn’t a fucking rip off. Maybe if he had that, he would have been ok. As it stands though, this was a terrible rip off, and thus, earns a nice spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Join us tomorrow, as we make our next induction…

The Sultan​

See ya…. nWZo 4 lyfe!

 

[SavageTaker]

There really isn’t much to say about Arachnaman. I can’t help but laugh at his attire. I don’t know why but he just looks silly and it makes me laugh. The gimmick was just horrible and no one likes gimmicks that are blatant rip-offs of something that was successful. I feel sorry Brad because he is pretty solid and the gimmick just wasn’t going to get him anywhere. It was just a complete joke that they tried putting him with a gimmick of something that had been successful and it was obvious it was a rip-off. I hope that they weren’t hoping for any type of success because they just weren’t going to get it. Brad Armstrong is a solid wrestler from the couple of videos I’ve seen but the gimmick just didn’t help him at all.

 

[JenovasWitness]

YES! I remember Arachnaman, he had those bloody streamers shooting out of his hands and he ripped off Tatsumi Fujinami's Abdominal Stretch Cradle as a finish.

This was one of the most blatant attempts at cashing in on a cartoon character since Jerry Lawler had one of the wrestlers in Memphis dress up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

 

[Deexter Jorgan]

Tenta this has become one of my most favorite threads and i have to admit the terrible gimmicks make me chuckle big time.

But what to say about Brad he has had other gimmicks that have been just as terrible, does anyone even remember Buzzkill?, that was a blatant ripoff from his brothers own gimmick everything down to the mannerisms, the only thing different was the name.

I have to agree, the arachna-man sucked mega balls, it was a blatant ripoff of everyones friendly neighborhood spider-man, not even Toby Maguire could do that gimmick justice, it was stupid, pathetic and made a good wrestler look like a complete fool and even worse made whomever wrestled him look even worse, Im glad Marvel comics threatened to sue because if they didnt imagine how many more time we may have seen that bad gimmick in the ring, imagine they may have had Brad dress up like a friendly neighborhood reporter?, well at least its over and I hope to write an article myself if you could give me a chance at it... Good Job and keep em coming buddy

 

[klunderbunker]

Wow I'm way behind here. Time to catch up. Might throw in some mustard too.

Mantaur- Yeah this was bad. We were never really told what he was supposed to be other than a weird looking thing. All I remember about him was that he was in a royal rumble and Luger beat on him for awhile. There was no point to this character and no one took him seriously. This one certainly is a terrible gimmick.

PN News- I liked this guy. He had a great series of matches with Austin over the TV title back in the day as News would have the match won but just couldn't put him away as Austin would cheat somehow. he also went to ECW for awhile with it and had some success. While it was dumb in nature, people got behind it and he had some success. What more can you ask for?

Goon- Yeah, this was really stupid. I'm not sure how anyone would have been entertained by this as even the name didn't make sense. I remember a little about him, but very little indeed. He was just one that made you look at him and shake your head very hard.

Red Rooster- This is the epitome of how a gimmick can ruin a career. If my memory is right, Rooster was offered another gimmick: Mr. Perfect. He turned it down which ticked off Vince and he was turned into a walking bird as a result. Taylor was just horrid always as I never could stand him. He was just overrated and worthless in the ring, and this gimmick has a lot to do with it.

TL Hopper- What was the point of this? Did we really need a wrestling plumber? This was around the time where things were just flat out weird in the WWF and you couldn't see that much more than here. Seriously, a wrestling plumber? There's a reason he lasted all of a few weeks: he was horrible.

Brawl For All- YES. This was one of the dumbest ideas of all time for more than one reason. First of all, I want wrestling, not some martial arts tournament. Second, Bart freaking Gunn won it, because it was a shoot. Third, it made no fucking sense. Dan Severn, probably the best fighter in this, left because he kept being told that his takedowns didn't count. Why? The rules made NO sense, even to a UFC fighter. Think about that for a bit.

Hey now. Don't you hate on Steve Regal. That man was one of my heroes. He showed me that not only could you be a completely stupid comedy character, but you could get paid to do it. It was completely parody and it worked wonderfully. The theme song is just great to say the least, so you're just not winning me over here.

Bastian Booger- Aside from being a former OCW Champion, I don't get this guy either. What was the point of him? he eats weird things and smells bad? Why is that interesting? Friar Ferguson was better than this.

Zeus I already have a full rant up on in the History of Summerslam so I won't go into full details here. Either way, he was horrible for one reason: he didn't know how to wrestle. We're supposed to believe that a purse with a brick in it didn't hurt him but poking him in the eye does? Is he the fourth stooge, zeusy?

Arachnaman- eh this was fine. It was a rip off of one of the best comic book characters of all time so why not? It worked pretty well I thought, so it's not like it was hurting anything. Nothing wrong with copromoting with something very successful.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And today, folks, I really have to do something I never really planned on doing. I’m just as saddened by it, but I feel like I should warn you. Today, I’m… Gulp…

Phoning It In​

Yes, yes, I know. Wipe away your tears. But as it stands, it’s Three AM here, and I have work in about a good five hours. Still, I wanted to give you an induction today. And godamnit, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, right now. I hope you’re ready for one huge clusterfuck boys… Here we go!

First, let’s go back into the time machine, and revisit a moment in WWE history. This would be a grand moment in history, as we zero on a WWE Championship match, the day after Christmas. It was a match between Bob Backlund, and a new heel that was drawing quite a bit of heat, The Iron Sheik. These two fought in a classic war, which made The Iron Sheik into the man that we see today…

[youtube]9K-wEUCCvE0[/youtube]

Ok… Maybe we shouldn’t focus on the Sheik at his current point. Still, it made for a great match, between two superstars that were loved by the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, and is an all time classic. Fans were stunned by the change, and by how Sheiky broke Bob’s back, and made him humble. Actually, let’s go to this bonus match, right now, December, 26th, 1983, between The Iron Sheik and Bob Backlund

[youtube]snM6BC0zykk[/youtube]

And after that, it seemed like no one could beat The Iron Sheik. After all, Backlund had held the title since 1978. If Bob couldn’t beat this man from Tehran, who could? Surely, it would be impossible to watch The Sheik go down to any man, let alone one in the WWE. It would appear as though The Iron Sheik was set for a long reign, defeating every challenger in… Oh look, it’s Hulk Hogan!

[youtube]cBP6zQoNLtg[/youtube]

Yep, just as quickly as you can say “Transitional Champion”, The Hulkster had defeated The Iron Sheik, and Hulkamania was born. Yep, all The Hulkster need was a month’s time to defeat The Iron Sheik, and take the Title away from him. Vince would saddle The Hulk Hogan pony for years, and to some extent, is still doing it today. He’d go on to launch the face of Pro Wrestling, and is probably the most famous wrestler in history. But still, there seemed to be something that everyone forgot…

What about The Iron Sheik and Backlund? What happened to these two men? Surely, they were due for rematches, as its customary for every former champion to have a crack at the new champion. Right? Well, not so much. These two really got the shaft, and would wind up becoming somewhat obscure in this new generation of Rock N’ Wrestling. They were left out in the cold, forgotten by Vince, as he played around with his new toy, Hulk Hogan. Sadly, they’d become jobbers, and would wind up becoming irrelevant to wrestling, in general. Vince had succeeded in white washing their names from pro wrestling history.
Or Had He?

Yes, eventually these two formed a team, and unveiled a way to return to the WWE. They now harnessed the power of a future star. And with these two together, this star would destroy everything in his path. And, that superstar wound up being… A Samoan, who was passed off as a Middle Eastern, with a mask on? Yes, this was indeed their diabolical plan. So Gladly, this next gimmick gets a clean spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

The Sultan

What Was It: Again, let’s take a look at the man portraying that gimmick, in Solofa Fatu.

The guy, like noted in Brad Armstrong’s thread, comes from an outstanding wrestling family, in the Anoi’a family. Such a group is perhaps a bit obscure for some of our younger fans, so I will spare the rant about how you young bastards know nothing, but this family is important. There were great wrestlers like Chief Peter Maivia, Rocky Johnson, Yokozuna, Afa and Sika, Jimmy Snuka, all of these men are members of that family. Gee, I hope I’m not forgetting anyone in that family…

Oh yes, silly me… I almost forgot about the motherfucking Rock! Yeah, these men were all members of that family, and so was Solfa Fatu. Now, you know how in an earlier thread I said that Charles Wright should have Multiple Personality Disorder for the different amount of gimmicks he played? Yeah, the same thing can easily be said for Fatu, too. As a matter of fact, let’s try counting them right now.

First, the guy had the traditional, if not stereotypical, gimmick of a island savage…

He then immediately went to the gimmick of a feel good street guy, who tried to send a positive message to the kids…

He then had this piece of shit gimmick…

And then, in the gimmick almost everyone remembers him for, he played a fat guy who loved to dance, and shove his ass into people’s faces. I swear to God, whoever thought of the idea for The Stinkface needs to be dragged into an alley, and shot on sight. Then, Rikishi should perform the move on them, just to show how truly wretched it is.

But this was in the middle of his feel good gimmick, and his fat dancing guy gimmick. He wore a headdress and robe to hide that he was actually Samoan, and was given all of The Sheik’s old stuff to try and get over. As matter of fact, he was given the Iron Sheik himself, and Bob Backlund. They were going to tear through the ranks of the WWE, and would do so with their new protégé, in Riki… Err… I mean, The Sultan

I digress though, let’s get to the Match of Ineptitude. This one takes place between The Sultan, and a very young Rocky Maivia at Wrestlemania 13. Gosh… It’s a miracle The Rock ever made it out of this period. I actually feel pretty bad for the guy right now… This was just as horrid as The Sultan, really. But let’s go on to the damn match

[youtube]LwXpcF6B4yQ[/youtube]

[youtube]o2T8wyeC3cU&feature=related[/youtube]

Why It Failed: Sadly, most fans didn’t get the history of Bob and Sheik. Maybe if they had, they’d understand what was going on, and why these two men were helping The Sultan. Still, most fans weren’t aware of their past contributions, and didn’t care at all what the guy was doing with these two men walking down to the ring with him. Sad, because to most wrestling fans, it’d mean something, but people just never caught on that this was a rivalry in the heyday.

However, that wasn’t the main problem. No, the main problem was that Fatu isn’t from the Middle Fucking East. The reason he had on that mask was because they didn’t want anyone realizing who this guy was, or that he wasn’t a Middle Eastern guy. Fatu had been around in the WWE, and most fans at least somewhat remembered the guy, if not for the fact that he was in the ring two years ago as a Samoan Headshrinker. Kind of ruins the mood when you have that guy now portraying a Middle Eastern guy, huh? I mean, folks were just aware of who this guy was, and what he was doing. Still, the WWE portrayed him as something he wasn’t, and it got him nowhere. He couldn’t speak, because of the “language barrier”. And The Iron Sheik and Bob Backlund were asked to do promos for him. Only problem was.

A. The Sheik’s English is horrendous, if you’ve ever heard one of his rants.
B. Backlund just really isn’t that good with promos… Like, at all.

Thus, it was going to be a complete act of God to get this man over. And as you can imagine, The Sultan didn’t exactly get that act.

Moment of Saving Grace: That’d have to be Rikishi. People will tell you they don’t like the big guy, and I’m not sure why. For a man his size, he was pretty damn agile, and he was mad fucking over with the crowd. Say what you will about the Stinkface, but people popped so damn hard, and always found it somewhat funny. I’m not going to lie, I found it repulsive. But the fans wanted what they wanted, and damn it if they didn’t want the sight of that big man rubbing his ass in someone’s face. Now, there was a match at Summerslam 2000, which was dubbed a “Thong Stink Face” match, between The Kat and Terri. I’ll let KB cover it, but I kind of enjoyed it. Rikishi still managed a big pop, and was pretty mad over. Still, this gimmick was horrendous, as thus, didn’t get over as the monster heel it should have been. As it stands though, this was a terrible gimmick, and thus, earns a nice spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Join us tomorrow, as we make our next induction…

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese

See ya… nWZo 4 Lyfe!​

 

[The Doctor]

Oh wow.

Yeah, no way this guy was going to get over. If you don't know the why, and your managers suck at promos, how in the hell do you expect this to work? It could have worked, but we say that about everything. The Sultan is just one of those gimmicks that were doomed. Good thing, though, because we got Rikishi and Too Cool out of it, so all's well that ends well.

 

[klunderbunker]

I missed the Sultan here. He was just a generic guy with a relatively stereotypical gimmick. What was the appeal here? It's been done and it's been done better. Rarely does that work. It was never going to last longer than a few months because this character has no room to grow at all. Characters that are boxed in like he was don't work and this was absolutely no exception.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

Yes, that’s right, we’ve returned!

[youtube]ap5Sw3xsZhU&feature=related [/youtube]

That’s right, as been promised many times over, we’re opening our doors once more, for one purpose and one purpose only… To remind us all of the absolute dregs of professional wrestling. Some will tell you the WWE has hit a low. That the business is in bad shape, and that we’re all doomed. Some will tell you that the world’s going to end in 2012, and we shouldn’t worry, because we’re all screwed anyway. Some will tell you KB *********es monkeys, and squeezes the milk out of the females.

I say, nonsense to it all! Sure, the WWE isn’t very good right now. But it could be plenty worse, I promise you! Don’t think it true? Oh, you will see, as we open our doors for more inductions, and celebrate the absolute crap that has come to the world of professional wrestling. So without further ado, let’s bring our first induction out to start this little shindig.

And for once, and forevermore, I can’t be blamed for these inductions! You see, this has been voted on by a crew of your peers, and it’s been decided what people have wanted to see go in. And apparently, none of the wrestling world was a huge fan of the 1970s. And I guess I can see what you mean. The government was suffering through Watergate, we were in the midst of Vietnam, and Disco arrived on the scene. Surely a pretty shit time for anyone that lived through it. But hey, let’s think of the positives that came from the 1970s. Like…. Well, cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine. Either than that, I’m struggling to find much good about the 1970s.

And speaking of awkward segues… Err… Cocaine… That could easily describe the creation of this next induction into the JTMFTG. It must have been many people, in a room, snorting cocaine, and someone came up with the idea to create this gimmick. That’s the only way to describe the utter nonsense that was this gimmick (Either than, you know, it was WCW booking in 2000. That would explain a lot, too.) There’s no way that someone could have believed this to be a good gimmick, without being on some type of illicit drug.

With that in mind, Ladies and gentleman, I have the creator of our next induction of the JTMFTG:

Mr. James, may I get your comments on the creation of this gimmick, while I have you up here, may I have your comments on the creation of this gimmick?

[YOUTUBE]9PR_rzF8ofw[/YOUTUBE]

Well… Now that I’ve rambled this much off topic, let’s see if I can put all of this together. Namely, that anyone that thought this was a good idea had to be on some hard shit. This brought the integrity of what was a tremendous big man down completely, and never completely wore off the guy. This man was meant to be a killer in the ring. But it seems like WCW had other plans for the guy. And thus, we have the creation of the next induction into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks,

That 70's Guy, Mike Awesome

What Was It: And, as usual in these inductions, it’s only fair to give this guy a little background. Though this means more to me, because I loved Mike Awesome’s work. The guy was just sick as Hell in the ring. He was easily three hundred pounds, yet could do a plancha over the top rope better than most cruiserweights. He was basically Vince’s wet dream of an athlete; He was intimidating, agile, ripped, and every bit as over in the territories he worked in. He spent a good portion of time crafting his work in Frontier Marital Arts Wrestling in Japan. For those of you that haven’t heard of FMW, I advise you to look some of the crazy shit these guys did. This was where guys like The Funker, Mick Foley, Sabu, and The Sheik made frequent stops, and is easily responsible for ending the careers of countless wrestlers. This makes all of the Hardcore matches the WWE used to have look like walks through the playground. It’s pretty much why Mick Foley is constantly revered as one of the most hardcore wrestler of his era. I suppose I could say the same for Terry Funk, but quite frankly, that’s just not fair. Funk was hardcore, but he had plenty much more to endear himself to his fans. Why did he go then? Because, more or less, Funk is nuts. And that’s why we love the Son of a Bitch.

Anyway, of all the Hardcore motherfuckers, Awesome was damn near close to one of them. And the guy had some great technical skills, too. The guy didn’t need weapons to be a great wrestler. He was always a damn good hand in the ring. Still, the guy also had a habit of using hardcore weapons, and throwing his opponents into them. Which, of course, brought him to the attention of one Paul Heyman. He, along with other wrestlers such as Masato Tanaka, were brought in from FMW, and placed into ECW. Here, Mike would continue his extreme ways, demolishing all opponents on sight, and making himself a dominant force throughout all of ECW.

But don’t take my word for it. Feel free to watch the evidence for yourself:

[YOUTUBE]nKD8853e3iQ[/YOUTUBE]

Now, that my friends, was truly epic. This man was great, and had such a great look to him. Naturally, he’d move on to a larger promotion, while carrying the ECW Title with him onto WCW programming. There was just one problem; He was still ECW Champion at the point he signed with WCW. Awesome's friend Lance Storm has said that he had refused to sign a new contract with ECW until Paul Heyman paid him overdue wages. Now, see, I understand where he was coming from, and I get that Heyman probably owed him a lot. However, he could’ve at least let Heyman know his plan to leave, so that Heyman could have had him drop the strap. To have your champion on another show just doesn’t look good. Isn’t that right, Jim Herd? How about you, Vince? Anyway, Mike showed up, much to the dismay of hardcore ECW fans. I’m pretty sure X was pretty pissed. And if X was pissed before, oh, was he about to be even more upset.

You see, WCW decided to do something different with the guy. Surely they wouldn’t let the guy decimate opponents, which is what got him over in the past, and wouldn’t let him be his typically great self, would they? Nope, that’d simply make far too much sense. So instead, WCW decided they’d gimmick him up, and give him some sense of a different gimmick. The feeling was that he didn’t know how to work a mic. Forget the fact that the guys six foot six, can work with the best of them, and is a flat out spectacular sight in the ring. No, now we need for our big men to talk on the mic, so God damn it, give this guy a gimmick. And that’s exactly what they did… they capitalized on his mullet, put him in a leisure suit, and stuck him back thirty years in the time machine.

Which brings me back to The Match of Ineptitude. And who better than to have a Handicap Match between That 70s Guy, and The Insane Clown Posse:

[YOUTUBE]OmWIYxMR-Yk[/YOUTUBE]

Why It Failed: Again, I really can’t blame Mike Awesome on this one, as he did everything possible to keep this gimmick alive. There’s not a whole lot the guy could’ve done to get this gimmick over, save possibly getting WCW crowds on the same type of drugs WCW bookers were on. Actually, not even someone on drugs would like this gimmick. The big problem is, he wasn’t meant to be a comedy piece, nor was he even that funny really. The guy was what you saw in ECW and FMW: A no nonsense guy that will kick your ass, and resuscitate you, only to kick your ass some more. He was absolutely ruthless, and the fans loved him for it. Sadly, Polyester shirts don’t particularly cry out ruthless, though. To us, it’s the signal to not take a guy seriously. The problem is, Mike Awesome’s past gimmicks were all about you taking him seriously. If you didn’t, he was going to beat the respect out of you. And that’s pretty hard to do for a guy he’s fucking coming to the ring in a Partridge Family bus. They simply messed with a good thing, actually a brilliant thing. Big guys don’t need a personality, especially if they’re as talented as Mike Awesome was.

Moment of Saving Grace: Again, while I can’t particularly find much good with ruining a big guy, at the very least, he had a pretty good run against Lance Storm for the US Title. That was one of the good feuds in WCW’s dying days. They stripped away gimmicks for twenty minutes, and let these guys go. Of course, Awesome never got the better of Storm. Because, again, it makes too much sense to have a big guy dominate. No, instead, they gave the title to Hugh fucking Morrus. Yes, you read that right. The fatass that could do a moonsault got a US title reign over Mike Awesome. That’s just idiotic booking, I don’t care what the situation was. Awesome was ten times the worker of Hugh Morrus, and was far more charismatic. Still, of course, Morrus was going to get the push over Awesome. Because Morrus was so fucking talented. Again, this was WCW booking in 2000, so I’m not nearly shocked. Anyway, Awesome and Storm had some great matches, filled with drama, and actually made the fans care. It was almost like they weren’t watching WCW for a bit. Then, of course, Awesome became comedy fodder again, which isn’t where he belongs at all. This was a horrible use of a big guy. Perhaps the worst use I’ve ever seen. And it’s with great pleasure we induct That 70’s Guy into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. as for the next induction…. Again, you decide. Feel free to take part in the poll I’ll place in the bar room. The next induction should be up in a couple days. Again, thank you for coming back readers, and we hope this can garner the steam this baby used to have. Good night, folks.

 

[The Doctor]

It's sad that this had to happen, because I've seen Awesome's work in videos and at ONS05, and it was really something. But, as we saw in the case of the Red Rooster, sometimes companies are fucking stupid.

But at least we'll remember Awesome for his hardcore matches and great working, right?

 

[X]

I fucking love Mike Awesome. His global feud with Masato Tanaka in both FMW and ECW is easily one of my all time favorite wrestling feuds, any time those two went at it the results were bound to be fan-fucking-tastic. Awesome had agility in the ring like few other big men, able to perform planchas and suicide dives with the best of them, as well as mixing in a bit of the Japanese strong style and a deadly, deadly powerbomb among other moves. The man didn't need to fucking talk, he did his talking in the ring.

WCW, of course, wasn't going to use him correctly. They were too far gone at that point. I'm sad you didn't mention the first absolutely abysmal gimmick they gave him when he joined WCW, and that was "The Fat Chick Thriller". Yes, they turned him into a chubby chaser. Don't even need to explain the stupidity there, do I?

The That 70s Guy gimmick was obviously terrible. Most of the gimmicks in WCW at that time were. It almost looked like they were going to give him a real push though once he dropped that gimmick but then WCW folded immediately and the WWF wasted him completely because they weren't interested in putting over anyone from WCW.

His death really saddened me. Awesome was an excellent talent, and one I'll miss. He produced some of my all time favorite wrestling matches.

 

[It's...Baylariat!]

This was just ridiculous. The booking in WCW during its dying days were as bad as Les Thatcher's ideas for gimmicks. Rapid Delivery Dave Harris...the man who was a paperboy who could do Asaii Moonsaults. True story. But between sticking a 70's gimmick on Mike Awesome, Making Brad Armstrong into "Buzzkill", the knockoff of Road Dogg Jesse James, and of course Oklahoma, made famous by Ed Fererra...wait a minute... FERERRA thought it would be a good idea to slap this gimmick on one of the most agile big men in wrestling and a reigning ECW World Champion. Figures.

This was bad on so many levels...including have him mame the ICP. Just sad. So, so sad.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

Yes, that’s right, we’ve returned!

[youtube]ap5Sw3xsZhU&feature=related [/youtube]

That’s right, as been promised many times over, we’re opening our doors once more, for one purpose and one purpose only… To remind us all of the absolute dregs of professional wrestling. Some will tell you the WWE has hit a low. That the business is in bad shape, and that we’re all doomed. Some will tell you that the world’s going to end in 2012, and we shouldn’t worry, because we’re all screwed anyway. Some will tell you KB *********es monkeys, and squeezes the milk out of the females.

I say, nonsense to it all! Sure, the WWE isn’t very good right now. But it could be plenty worse, I promise you! Don’t think it true? Oh, you will see, as we open our doors for more inductions, and celebrate the absolute crap that has come to the world of professional wrestling. So without further ado, let’s bring our first induction out to start this little shindig.

And for once, and forevermore, I can’t be blamed for these inductions! You see, this has been voted on by a crew of your peers, and it’s been decided what people have wanted to see go in. And today, we’re doing one of my all time favorites, from a wrestler I personally greatly enjoyed. Now, as we all may know, I’m practically fond of my mid card super heavyweights, and for that matter, all super heavyweights, period. Except… Well… One particular wrestler:

Now, let me just clarify for a second, before IC sends me a scathing letter… I don’t personally hate Yokozuna. In fact, I think the guy, for his size, was pretty talented. However, I do find him to be the worst champion in modern history, and don’t get what all the fuss was about him. He wasn’t really that exciting, and most of his matches involved rest holds that took up a quarter of the match. I just didn’t care for the guy. Anyway, this isn’t about Yoko, this is about another guy, and his need to get his groove on. And by getting his groove on, I mean make a complete moron out of himself, and put on a muumuu that no one should be caught dead wearing. The guy felt a need to get in touch with his roots, and that’s cool with me. There’s just one little problem with that:

The Guy Was White!​

Seriously, if you want to get in touch with your roots, you’re probably best portraying, I don’t know, a Viking or something…

Ok…. On second thought, maybe you should just stick with that whole “being black” thing you got going there. Hey, at least you get to keep the Muumuu, right? And sadly enough, the guy would trade that muumuu in for his entire career, as what was once an intimidating super heavyweight was sullied once and forevermore. So without further ado, let’s bring out our next inductee into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks:

The African Dream, Akeem

Editors Note: Wow. I’m pretty sure I just used pictures of Akeem, Yokozuna, and The Berzerker all in a span of three paragraphs. Definitely looks like the hot tub at IC’s place.

What Was It: And, once again, before I go into this post, it’s really only fair to give some description of the man that played this horrendous role, George Gray. Now, Gray was always a great big man in professional wrestling, by my accounts. The guy started his career in Angelo Poffo’s old ICW, working under the tutelage of his “owner” Macho Man Randy Savage, then the ICW Champion. The gimmick was that Savage owned the right’s to Gray, then known as Crusher Broomfield, and his contract. Ironically, Broomfield would be set free by a man known as The One Man Gang, portrayed by the ever terrible Ron Garvin. If you don’t know how bad he is, just ask KB. I assure you, he can tell you just how horrendous Garvin was. Actually, I believe this promotion started out in Kentucky, so it wouldn’t shock me that this is where KB learned to have his hatred for the man. But yes, Crusher started out here, and worked his way onto bigger and better things. He’d work stints in the NWA, Florida, Japan, and WCCW. It was during his stints in NWA that the old foghorn himself, Jim Ross, saw this mountain of a man, and off the cuff remarked that he was a One Man Gang. And that was the persona Gray went with for years, becoming an intimidating foe wielding a chain, wearing a Mohawk, and just overall being a flat out bad ass. He’d then move on to the UWF, formerly known as the Mid South, as he’d work as the UWF’s top villain, feuding with Hacksaw Jim Duggan for most of his career. He’d even get a run with the World Title for six months, ironically enough losing the belt to a man who would become his tag team partner in the WWE, Big Bubba, or the Big Bossman, as he’s more commonly known. Still, Gang was as bad as they came, and I personally find his match with Bubba to be the best big on big match ever. If you can’t find it, go buy it somewhere. I tell you, it’s really a treat to watch these two work together in their youth. The man was just flat out awesome to look at, and he isn’t half as bad in the ring as most would like to make him out to be.

Eventually, Vince took notice, and signed the guy on to eventually be fed to Hulk Hogan. The guy was fed jobbers to make him look credible, and it pretty much worked. The guy was hailed as being from the streets of Chicago, which is just hilarious to me. The reason it’s funny was because the guy always had a distinct southern accent to him, if you listen to his promos. The guy was from South Carolina, not too far from where I live, actually, and as alluded to before, the guy got his breaks in the Kentucky/Tennessee area. From what I understand, the guy lives in Louisiana now, and has a tiny wife. He’s actually said to be a very sweet man, and actually really nice. But god damn was he intimidating.

So what did Vince decide to do with all that intimidation, and all that natural fear this man could exude?

Why, he turned him into comedy fodder, and made the white guy try get in touch with his nonexistent roots. And while I could rip this “transformation” all day, and trust me, I will, but this video really does it all for me. I swear to God, this was Vince’s idea of a “realistic change”

[youtube]lAWJbjrzUYA[/youtube]​

What more can I really say? I mean, what more is there to say for this segment? Sure, Mean Gene was hilarious, and Slick was gold on the microphone, as usual, but what was Vince going for here? I mean, where do you find random African tribes in the middle of the city? Are they wandering nomads? Were they looking for Kamala, and found this guy? Still, the man was now transformed, and he was now the African Dream. Complete with a strut that set white guys back another fifty years, and music that was actually pretty damn enjoyable, this guy would team up with The Bossman, to form the Twin Towers. Still, the guy never reached the level he had as the One Man Gang, and this is tragically how people remember Gray, to this day.

Which brings us to the Match of Ineptitude! God, where do I begin with this one? What match could I bring up to show you just how terrible this guy was? Well, how about with a wrestler that was just as terrible as Akeem, in Hercules Hernandez? Yeah, that’s where we’ll take this one. So without further ado, let’s go to Akeem VS. Hercules, at Madison Square Garden:



Why It Failed:Well…. Time to accept the elephant in the room here, folks…

Akeem Was White!​

I mean, you want a reason this failed? This perfectly describes it, right here. What more is there to say about this? What kind of guy, from the streets of Chicago, finds his roots by playing a jive African American character, without even being African American? Has professional wrestling ever had a black guy flaunt around in a gi? How about a Native American dressed in a sombrero? What about a Samoan paraded around as Japanese?

Oh yeah… That guy…. Still, it doesn’t make any sense! Why is the white guy acting and dressing like the black guy! Why’s he speaking in jive, when he’s never even spoken before? And why the fuck is a gang member from Chicago wearing a fucking blue and yellow muumuu? I know that if I’m ever caught in my hood after wearing a muumuu, my ass would be shot so many times, I’d look like Swiss cheese. But still, none of these questions were ever answered for us. And apparently, it was because no one really cared that much about it. Though I have to commend Gray for the job he did with this gimmick, this was absolute horse shit. Why would you turn a guy so intimidating into a fucking comedy shtick? He must have been really damn far in the doghouse to deserve something like this. Did he, like, kill ten thousand puppies in another life? That’s the only way I could justify giving him this rubbish. The guy was good, and they basically killed any notion of him having a career after this gimmick.

Moment of Saving Grace: Because as dumb as this gimmick was… It was also so awesome! Like, this gimmick was so completely well done, that if it was given to anyone else, it could have possibly gotten over. It had funky theme music that got stuck in your head all day. I mean, seriously, listen to that music and tell me it isn’t catchy.

[youtube]9obiHIQyCyE&feature=related[/youtube]​

My God, don’t tell me you won’t be singing this song all day long wherever you go. This was fantastic. Also, Slick was flat out brilliant as a manager. I don’t understand why he doesn’t get praise as one of the greatest managers ever, because he completely deserves it. Hearing him talk harkened me back to listening to a Fat Albert character, and he was always had such good delivery with his promos. He was a lightning rod for heat, which is strange to think that Akeem couldn’t get over. Alas, I’d be remiss to not mention perhaps the best thing about this gimmick; The Strut. Yes, this strut rivaled Ric Flair’s in terms of epicness. Sure, Gray had no rhythm, but he made that strut work, damnit. It was just so brilliantly done, that people still remember it to this day. Don’t believe me? Watch this:

[youtube]eTSr6iZd8xs[/youtube]​

Yeah, that was just epic. Still, this gimmick just couldn’t get over, in spite of all the awesomeness surrounding it. I almost feel bad inducting this gimmick, because it was so bad, it was terrific. Still, I guess that’s the point of this gimmick. This was just bad any way you cut it. And it deserves a comfy spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Please, join us Friday, as we induct our next candidate into this illustrious building.

See ya.