The John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks

[SavageTaker]

The whole fake Diesel and Razor Ramon was a complete and utter joke. This was Vince’s way to retaliate for Kevin Nash and Scott Hall leaving and going to his main competition. He decided to mock them. He didn’t care if people liked it or not. This was done simply for his own enjoyment. He had a personal vendetta against Hall and Nash for leaving and this was Vince’s way of making himself feel like he was the bigger man. No, Vince you weren’t the bigger man. The bigger man would have simply ignored that two of his wrestlers left his company to go to the rival company and continued on with his own business.

And Vince for the love of god and all that is good, don’t ever try and turn Jim Ross heel again. He just isn’t cut out to be a heel and he doesn’t want to be one either. All he wanted/wants to do is go out there and be the guy that does play-by-play for those matches you put out. He doesn’t want anything else other than that. Just let him go out there and let him do what he loves doing and don’t try and give him a character. It just isn’t going to work out because it’s just something that he doesn’t want to do. Like I said, he just wants to do commentary and nothing more. Ultimately though, Jim Ross is going to be remembered for being one of if not the best play-by-play commentator no matter how much crap Vince wants him to do. People aren’t going to remember him for having his own announce table at one point, or for having Vince pull out various objects from an ass of a Jim Ross mannequin, and not even for kissing McMahon’s ass.

In summation, Vince please learn your lesson once and for all. When you tried doing an impersonation gimmick with the fake Diesel and fake Razor Ramon it didn’t work. It also wasn’t going to work when you tried multiple times afterwards. The majority of people and me don’t like them. You and your cronies are the only ones who get a kick out of seeing someone dress up as someone else. No one else enjoys seeing that Vince. It never ends up good, entertaining, or funny. You have overdone the whole impersonation gimmicks and it is just time you give them a rest. I’m glad you haven’t done one for a while but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were to do one again. It appears having someone impersonate someone else is a yearly thing for Vince to do.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome, once again, friends and spammers, all alike, to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. I hope that, for your sake, you decided to leave the women and children at home. For you see, if you ever brought your spouse, or your children to such a place, they would realize all of the utter failure that is prevalent in the world of wrestling. Our crack staff (basically, of myself and SavageTaker) have combed the annals of wrestling history, mainly because we no longer see a purpose to this life. After all, how could one possibly rationalize exploring the inner asshole of the wrestling world, shit and all, without, to some extent, no longer caring much for the life we lead now. Entering what is to be deemed the Underworld of Pro Wrestling comes at a price, and every time you step foot in these hallowed halls, you may just find a small part of yourself decay and die by the second. This, again, is not your average memorial. While most memorials honor the great and dignified, this memorial stands as a warning to all of just how terrible the wrestling world can be. Admittedly, your sanity will be questioned, and your heart will be pierced by the exhibits you witness today. The only place these "memories" belong near the Hall of Fame is an outhouse, or buried far below the Earth's surface, so that neither man nor demon can reach for it again. And I assure you, it's far more likely that demons will retrieve, because it also makes for the absolute worst torture in Hell. Instead of reliving these moments, we'd rather eat a stable full of manure. You couldn't smoke enough pot, take enough acid, and have any amount of lobotomies that could reverse the trauma these events put you through as a wrestling fan. This is exactly what happens when the Creative Reins for promoters are not held in check; the promoter takes us off the enjoyable path we once had, and rather drives us off of the bridge at full speed, with a one way ticket to Hell, non-stop. Yet, one can only hope that by entering these dark hallways, you will learn of the fault of bookers and promoters alike, and that we may never fall into the same trap that is horrendous booking. This way, I can stand before you every night, and profess to the world…

Hello, I’m, the reminiscence analyzer. I retrieve it from my Hippocampus to take the burden away from you to do the same…

What? What do you mean that sounds like the Nostalgia Critic’s opening? I promise you, it’s not the same, really. I mean, it’s completely different. I gave myself a different name and everything. I mean, it’s not like I’m trying to rip off the Nostalgia Critic… You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!

Anyway, yeah, when we have moments in which something is blatantly ripped off from something, the creator of said rip can do either one of two things.

1. Outright admit that creation is a rip-off, and pray to God that it will be spared a lashing from the media, and other such folk that will undoubtedly call it out for being a complete rip off. For example, if I were to admit that this thread was a complete rip off of KB’s Wrestlemania Review. Of course, that isn’t the case… At all… No, this was completely my idea… But even if it were a complete rip off of his thread, I would confess to it, and I would hope people would still continue to read it with the same enjoyment that they used to.

2. Go about the business of ripping off the thing, burying it into the ground and removing all legitimacy from your name, and making you believe that anything you ever create, regardless of talent or innovation, is a complete rip off. You could create a flying toilet that stores your shit in an empty vacuum away from the world, and yet, it wouldn’t matter one fucking bit, because you already have ripped someone off before. Who’s to say that you’re not about to do it again?


And that, it would appear, is the approach you can take in. In professional wrestling, however, not only can you take someone else’s idea, crap it all into nonexistence, and add a little piece of parsley just for the look of it, but you can actually expect that gimmick to fucking work, which is beyond me by every stretch of the means. I mean, it seems so ridiculous to say a ripped off gimmick could ever…

… Work? Ok, well sometimes a complete rip off does actually work in professional wrestling. But not when the man portraying the character is worth next to nothing in the ring. Which is fairly ironic, when you consider that the man that he was portraying was a tad bit limited, himself.

Of course, that man being ripped off was a legend in his own right, and that man was The Ultimate Warrior. And we just loved that guy, for the longest time, it seemed. No one could really explain why, we just really liked him. His matches were rarely something to write home about, and his promos… Well, I’ll let the footage speak for itself

[youtube]JRbpvu7lupk[/youtube]​

Yeah, that wasn’t exactly the world’s greatest group of promos. I think Edge said it best when he said that his tassels were tied a bit too tight. Anyway, the people loved his stuff, probably because of how damn intense the guy was. The guy was pretty much possessed whenever he went to the ring, and for some reason, we absolutely loved it. It was able to make it seem like he was awesome, even though we have no idea what the guy was saying.

So what do you get when you try to rip off this guy? Why, what more could you receive, either than a first class ticket into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. And that gimmick receiving that gimmick is the one and only,

The Renegade​

Note: I am aware of the fact that this man did commit suicide. Thusly, I will do my best to try and not rip the actual guy, in Richard Williams. The guy was a good guy, given a bad shtick. So let's move on to.

What Was It: Well, again, before we get too much into the character, let’s first dive into the actual guy that played the character, Rick Williams.

He was a male stripper. And he looked a whole lot like The Ultimate Warrior.

I mean, unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot I can say about that guy. He had a bit of a stint in the Indy Circuits, but he didn’t really do much there. What, did you expect en epic biography here? I’m sad to say that’s all I got on the guy, so maybe we should move on to the circumstances of the matter.

Well, at the moment, we were in the infancy stages of an epic feud between Hulk Hogan and Big Van Vader. Now then, this was going to be the feud to end all feuds, and one I couldn’t wait for, honestly. In one corner, you had The Hulkster, the man that had defeated every living giant in the world of pro wrestling. He slam Andre the Giant, he fought off King Kong Bundy. Hell, even squeaked by Earthquake (via count out, mind you). This was the main guy in Professional wrestling. He had brought pro wrestling to the fore front, and made it from a regional kind of thing to a national powerhouse. This was, quite frankly, the balls. Then, on the other side, you had the guy that was brute in WCW. This man had been an unstoppable force for years in WCW. Not babyface could keep Vader down for too long at all, and any that tried wound up massacred by this mammoth monster. Such names like Sting, Ric Flair, Dave Boy Smith, Ron Simmons, Lex Luger, and… Um… Dustin Runnels… Had been slaughtered by this guy, and was singlehandedly tossed left and right around the ring. Hell, this guy was responsible for Mick Foley losing a portion of his ear. The man was sadistic, and he was one crazy motherfucker. He was strong, yet he was so agile, able to do a moonsault off the top rope with ease. The guy had won Heavyweight titles on three different continents… Shit, maybe I am starting to sound too much like IC 25. Anyway, seems like the recipe for a damn good feud, right?

Well, not when you fucking ruin it by having fucking Ric Flair in drag! Jesus, this feud was so poorly done. And while I have too many complaints on it to pick one true flat out problem with it, there seems to be one that stuck out to me; Vader never got the upper hand. Not once. You doubt me on this one? Consider this; Hulk Hogan no sold the powerbomb. I kid you not. Vader was the guy that was so menacing, looking at him the wrong would result in your evisceration. Yet, Hulk no sold his powerbomb. Got up after one second, even. Go watch The Clash of the Champions, with Hulk and Macho versus Kevin Sullivan and The Butcher. You’ll see what I mean. Anyway, Vader was made to look like his baby back bitch throughout the feud. So, to spice it up, WCW decided to do something different.

No silly, of course they didn’t make Hulk Hogan look weak. They said that they would reveal an “Ultimate” Surprise. You know, “Ultimate”. As in, Ultimate Warrior “Ultimate”. WCW would seek out to debut this man at WCW Uncensored, 1995. And since many fans didn’t get that this was a typical bait and switch on WCW’s part, most fans thought that they were getting this;

Instead, well, they got this;

And because I’m really way too lazy to find the exact point he debuts, you’re all getting a free match! Don’t get your hopes up, it’s just as hideous as you’d come to expect in the JTMFTG. So without further ado, let’s go on to Uncensored 1995, in a strap match between Vader and Hulk Hogan;





Word of question… how much of a strap match can it be when they’re not even fucking strapped in?!

Anyway, so they tried to play this guy as the Real Warrior, and even shamelessly game this guy a TV Title run. Unfortunately, this couldn’t have really been stopped by WWE lawsuit, as the WWE didn’t exactly own the rights to the Warrior name. And because WCW never outright called him Warrior, I suppose that they were allowed to keep this charade up. There was just one little problem; no one bought into it one damn bit. And they shouldn’t have, because it was a shameless rip off at best. It wouldn’t take long for The Warrior to dispel the rumors, and show everyone that he was, indeed, not The Renegade.

And now, we must go to our Match of Ineptitude. In this match, The Renegade is more or less buried, and Jimmy Hart reveals the largest “No Shit” fact that has ever been said in the annals of Professional wrestling. Namely, that he’s not the Renegade; he’s just plain old Rick. So let’s go to Monday Night Nitro, in a match between The Renegade and The Taskmaster;



You know, after watching this, I can see why this guy offed himself. This was pretty cruel treatment guy, which leads us to

Why It Failed: See, I can’t say too much against Rick Williams, as this was a gimmick no one but Warrior could have held up. Simply put, there’s only one way this gimmick would have gotten over, and that is Jim Hellwig. People were pretty pissed when they realized that it wasn’t the actual Warrior, and like pointed out earlier in my Fake Diesel and Scott Hall review, we just don’t like fake stuff. And in some ways, this was actually worse than what Vince did. You see, at least Diesel and Razor were his actual creations. The Warrior was something built completely by Vince McMahon, and something that was fit for a man such as Jim Hellwig. What Eric did was completely bankroll of these two men’s success, and try to capitalize on it. He knew he didn’t have the actual Warrior, nor anywhere close to it. Still, through loopholes, Eric was able to get away with this, in a manner that was completely slimy on eric’s part. Ah, but did it rope some people in, and make us think that we were getting the real Ultimate Warrior. And when we learned that we weren’t, boy were we pissed. Actually, we weren’t so much pissed, as much as we didn’t really care too much. After all, why should we have? WCW was jerking us around here with this thing, and people were so pissed by, they just decided not to care at all. Admittedly, that gimmick was a huge load to place on anyone’s shoulders, let alone a rookie that doesn’t have much experience, or even for that matter that much talent.

Which brings us to something that needs to be said… The guy just wasn’t that talented. Admittedly, it doesn’t take too much to do The Warrior’s moves. What it does take a lot to do is capture the fan’s interest like the warrior could. And really, this guy couldn’t. Eric assumed that he could put the guy with similar looks and similar moves in the same gimmick, and it’d be grand. Yeah, unfortunately, it was anything but. The guy just couldn’t cut the mustard, and got to his spot because of his looks. And anyone that gets to a position in their life because of their looks… Well, they just really don’t deserve it. Like, at all. The fact is that this guy didn’t have the ring work needed to be the Warrior, and admittedly, perhaps they could have tried something with this gimmick with someone else. Then again, though, if you place this gimmick on someone else, it probably just won’t work,

Moment of Saving Grace: There is none. Tragically, Rick Williams committed suicide, due to depression. I’m not sure if we’ll be able to correlate the depression with the failure in wrestling, but I can’t see how the two can’t be intertwined. There’s no saving grace to suicide at all. And I’m not one to blame, and I don’t see anyone at fault here. I do wonder, though, if this could have been avoided if WCW didn’t take this route in making such a gimmick, and putting the gimmick on a guy like this. Anyway, this is dealing with the gimmick, and not the man. While Rick Williams, I hope, rests in peace, I’m going to have to make this entry of the Renegade into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thank you very much for joining me so late tonight, and do join me tomorrow, as we unveil the next exhibit.

Mantaur​

See ya.

 

[SavageTaker]

I really don’t know where the hell to start with The Renegade. I guess I’ll just start on how pissed people were when they found out that it wasn’t really The Ultimate Warrior debuting, instead it was a blatant rip-off of the Ultimate Warrior gimmick that Vince McMahon created.

I don’t think Eric knew that when you pull a bait and switch, it never results in anyone happy about it or liking that you did that. Whether you hate or like The Ultimate Warrior now, you have to admit he was very over in his time so obviously people were going to be excited that he was going to make his return to professional wrestling and make his debut with WCW. Even though that wasn’t the case.
Back then, the majority of people didn’t know anything about the problems that Warrior had with Vince over money and whatever other problems they had. So, they weren’t going to hate Warrior and instead they were going to be excited. Then The Renegade debuted and everyone was upset. Why? Because it wasn’t who they expected. Everyone expected for Warrior to come out but that’s not what we got. We got someone that no one knew about and someone no one could have cared less about. Good Job Eric, you mislead everyone into thinking that The Ultimate Warrior was coming to WCW.

Anyways, people were upset they were mislead but were even more upset when The Renegade made his in-ring debut. They guy couldn’t entertain a freaking cardboard box no matter how hard he tried. If you’re going to give someone a previously successful gimmick then at least give it to someone who can at least be entertaining. Warrior might not have been viewed as the most technically gifted wrestler but at least he could entertain a crowd. The Renegade couldn’t do that.

In summation, The Renegade sucked not because he attempted to re-create something that couldn’t be re-creatable because that wasn’t his fault. That was Eric’s fault. But he sucked because he couldn’t pull the gimmick off half as well as Warrior could. He wasn’t entertaining at all and that just made matters worse.

 

[The Holy One]

Yep, the minute I realised he wasn't the real Warrior I was extremely disappointed. I won't say pissed b/c there really no reason to be mad over a lame rip-off. Eric went to new lows in trying to get ratings and cash which just firmly backs my opinion that WCW was shit b/w post-Ric Flair leaving for WWE-pre-nWo. Vince should of learn from this failure, yet one year later he makes the same mistake. TNA even does it (ex. Sharkboy's new attitude). I wonder if this cycle will ever end. Every single episode is just another blow to pro wrestling.

 

[klunderbunker]

I don't blame him a bit for it. Like Tenta said, what could he do with it? No one was going to buy it and they eventually buried the character. It's similar to the Diesel/Ramon situation. They're likely solid workers and in fake Diesel's case he was. However, with the gimmicks that they have, there's only so many things that they can do. It was a bad gimmick, but it can't be blamed on him. He was ok, but there was no way that was going to work.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And when one looks at Greek Mythology, one can’t help but love the tales of myth and legend that cloud our consciousness, and give us tales and anecdotes to apply to our own lives. Whether it be the tempting of the Gods, the anger of the Gods, or people trying to appease… Well, the Gods, Greek mythology, to us. Whether we find interest in the stories of Odysseus, or if we’re hearing of Zeus, come down to Earth to lay with common human beings, The Greek Gods are just extremely epic. Naturally, our rinky dinky monotheistic religions of today don’t make for nearly the kind of epic nature you find in Greek Mythology, (With the exception of Paradise Lost, mind you). It makes for terrific literature, and quite frankly, I’d love to live in an Era like that.

I mean, going to the coliseum every now and then? Watching people kick the living shit out of one another? Watching two men fight at it with their bare hands, and sometimes even weapons? I can hardly think of something that we have similar in socie…

Ty…. Jesus Christ, why can’t I just ignore my thoughts that point out my stupidity as I type?!

No, but anyway, we love, to some extent, Greek Culture. And we borrow quite a bit from it, in many ways. Coined money? Thank those folk on the Mediterranean. Central Heating? Better star grooming those hairy men to start proving you appreciate them. Philosophy? Yep, better bow down to the sandals of men like Thales of Miletus and Heraclitus. Hell, even stories that originated from The Bible have ties to ancient Greek mythology. Stories of Gods that test their citizens? You bet your bottom hummus it was those damn Greeks. Stories of heroes and monsters, to give a basis to live by for their society? Better get out your toga. There’s so much that Greek culture has passed down to us…

[youtube]eZeYVIWz99I[/youtube]​

Yeah, I was really wondering how far along I could go on a Greek tangent without playing that clip. But yeah, there’s plenty of Greek stories we’ve heard. Perhaps one of the most famous of these stories is the tale of The Minotaur. And even with how long my posts usually get, we don’t have time to cover the whole damn thing. So here’s a synopsis, or at least relatively close;


After he ascended the throne of Crete, Minos struggled with his brothers for the right to rule. Minos prayed to Poseidon to send him a snow-white bull, as a sign of approval. He was to sacrifice the bull in honor of Poseidon but decided to keep it instead because of its beauty. To punish Minos, Poseidon caused Pasiphaë, Minos' wife, to fall madly in love with the bull from the sea, the Cretan Bull She had Daedalus, the famous architect, make a wooden cow for her. Pasiphaë climbed into the decoy in order to copulate with the white bull. The offspring of their coupling was a monster called the Minotaur.

Nowhere has the essence of the myth been expressed more succinctly than in the Heroides attributed to Ovid, where Pasiphaë's daughter complains of the curse of her unrequited love: "the bull's form disguised the god, Pasiphaë, my mother, a victim of the deluded bull, brought forth in travail her reproach and burden."

The Minotaur, as the Greeks imagined him, had the body of a man and the head and tail of a bull. Pasiphaë nursed him in his infancy, but he grew and became ferocious. Minos, after getting advice from the Oracle at Delphi, had Daedalus construct a gigantic labyrinth to hold the Minotaur. Its location was near Minos' palace in Knossos

At least, that’s the gist of it, and admittedly, the guy looks awesome when you see him. Just look at this picture, and tell me it’s not epic.

And yes, that was the Minotaur from The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and I don’t care. That show was fucking beast, and so was that monster. I love that show so much. Apparently, there’s a DVD out of the first season. Go buy it. now.

So yeah, The minotaur is epic. And Vince decided that he wanted a piece of the pie. Only problem was, well, minotaur’s are kinda hard to find at the moment. So Vince decided he’d make one. Should work, right?

[youtube]C6YfJZ9hxLQ[/youtube]​

Thank you, Gene Wilder, for making my point.

A. Vince was wrong, sir, wrong.

B. He did get nothing

C. He did lose.

D. Good day, indeed.

And now let’s cut the BS, and bring in our next induction:

Mantaur

What Was It: I’d like to say there’s a lot on the guy that played the gimmick, Mike Hallick… But there isn’t. He was just a big guy, really, and didn’t have much in the ring. I mean, he tried with his gimmick, and for that I commend him. But otherwise, this guy didn’t offer too much. So let’s focus more on the gimmick.

A gimmick which began with Hallick actually wearing a bull’s head to the ring. He was no more than one of those fucking guys you see at Disney World, basically. He was that same guy that walks around in the character’s costume’s, and has to see fucking everything through that costume’s mouth. Which led me to believe this was the direction Vince was taking his programming;

[youtube]Xe3gr0syxlg&feature=related[/youtube]​

Talk about a real Mickey Mouse corporation:

[youtube]NpYEJx7PkWE[/youtube]​

Sigh… Everyone’s a fucking critic. Anyway, yeah, he was coming with a bull’s head, and in the ring, he’d “charge” at his opponents, and really just look like… Well, a fat guy running after people. I mean, there’s no other way to put it. Soon enough, he’d cut his hair in the shape of Ram horns.

Just a few problems with that, though;

1. Only Vader does that look, you prick! Don’t you ever steal from Vader!

2. Rams and Bulls come from different species… Not the look you want. Just because they have horns, does not mean they’re the fucking same.

And he moo’ed all around the ring. Yes, he fucking moo’ed. I don’t think there was much of a reason for that, either than to make it seem like everyone was mooing with him… As opposed to booing the shit out of him.

And with that, we now go to our Match of Ineptitude. No dates for this one unfortunately. The show was The Zone, which I never saw before. Anyway, it’s Mantaur VS. Buck Quartermine. PS. Todd Pettangil, you’re a prick for your joke about southerners.



Why It Failed: First and foremost, the guy was a waste of adipose tissue in the ring. I think that he really only knew how to club, run at people, and maybe do a hip toss every now and then. Actually, I suppose that isn’t entirely fair… He did a belly to belly once. Either than that, the guy just wasn’t too much in the ring, and wasn’t even close to being a decent worker. He was just big for the sake of big, which at the time just seemed in for some reason. Actually, I know that it was in because Vince wanted it to be in. With Vince having men like Bastion Booger and Mabel getting significant television, I don’t think it’s that off to say that Vince had some sense of a fixation on fat guys during the 1994-1995 years. Then again, I could say he had a fixation with poor workers, but surely you could see that in the television programming he had.

And then again, he lasted only six months, while someone like Mabel has had a relative job for eight years? Why? Because Mantaur also looked completely moronic in his get up. Simply put, the gimmick of a half bull half man only works in Greek Mythology… Even then, Minotaur wound up doing the job to Theseus (God… Relating Greek mythology to Pro Wrestling… How pathetic have I become?) anyway, at some point, Vince realized how dumb the idea was, and realized that the guy looked completely ridiculous out there. This guy wasn’t even going to get close to mid card with that kind of a gimmick, and for that matter, even wound up jobbing in the qualifying rounds to the King of the Ring. To fucking Bob Holly, no less. Want proof?



Which brings us to this other little problem… He never beat anyone. He beat a few jobbers, and never did anything of consequence in the WWE. Name one wrestler of consequence he beat in the ring? Can you even give me one? I highly doubt it, really. But nevertheless, this guy didn’t deserve to beat anyone. He was as big a jobber as you’ll ever find, and no matter how you look at it, this guy was going to fail. He was a goofy gimmick, and far too goofy, even in this era, to get over.

The Moment of Saving Grace: Jim Cornette. Seriosuly, if you paired this guy up with anyone in the wrestling workld, you at least make that guy watchable. Cornette was to act as the mouth piece for Mantaur, probably because the only thing that Mantaur ever said was Moo. Now, if I had the clip, this would be where I post a clip of Celebrity Jeopardy, in which “Sean Connery” says, “Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night”. But, since I don’t have that clip, we’ll just have to go one as regular… Ok, fine, here’s a free Celebrity Jeopardy skit;



We here at the JTMFTG always like to expand our horizons. Anyway, yes, because all Mantaur could do was Moo, they put Jim Cornette in the role, and he, as always, was great. Seriously, let’s listen to this promo, and this is what I’d consider an average promo from him;



Well, basically, anything this guy touches turns to gold… Except this piece of shit! Then again, I doubt it’s possible this gimmick was going to get over. With a wrestler that couldn’t work, and a goofy gimmick, you’ll find a man that always has a home in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. That’s all for tonight. Tomorrow we will delve into;

The Rap Master P.N. News​

See ya.

 

[The Holy One]

When I said WCW was shit during this time period yesterday, I will also include WWE to some extent. Even the excellent work of HBK, Bret Hart, Diesel, The Undertaker, etc. couldn't help the god awfulness of gimmicks such as the Mantaur. I think Vince might have been on something to help relieve the pressure from the steriod accusations and such during this period.

 

[The Doctor]

You know, Tenta, I know I repped you for the Loch Ness post but I feel it's time for me to make my feelings on this thread publicly known.

This thread is incredible. I've always found failed gimmicks to be fascinating, but I could never find out enough information about them. There was WrestleCrap, but they didn't keep things after a week and this is better written, anyway. I like how you give the backstories and the moment of saving grace. Really goes to show that even he worst gimmicks have some good about them.

This thread is extremely interesting to me. I'm not old enough to remember all these gimmicks, so it's really teaching me a lot. I can now make Mantaur jokes, knowing the whole story behind his character!

Long live the JTMFTG.

P.S. Are you seriously going to induct Ron Simmons' "DAMN" gimmick? I liked that one.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And today, we’re talking about two of my favorite things; wrestling and rap. Now, by themselves, they are wonderful things. Rap is, personally, my favorite genre of music. Names like KRS-1, Notorious BIG and 2 Live Crew dominated the late 80s and early 90s, filling our boom boxes with the music that made us wish we were all black. Songs like Juicy and Dear Mama were always my favorites, as not only did they have meaningful lyrics, but they also were damn good. Nowadays, when you listen to rap, you realize that it just isn’t the same any more. I mean, let’s take the time to compare a song of the past, in Keep Ya Head Up, and a song of today, with the God-awful rendition of a horrendous song that we call, “Sugar”

[youtube]JlQcJAjYxaI[/youtube]​

You see a song that not only has a good meaning to it, but a solid flow, and incredibly lyrics by the 20th Century Machiavelli. Now let’s go the Artificial Bull Crap that we have on our IPods now, in Flo Rida’s “Sugar”;

[youtube]hSeZqEezu_Q[/youtube]​

Yeah, not only are the lyrics horrendous, and about a millionth of the talent you’d hear in an average Tupac song, but the beat is blatantly ripped off. From a techno song, mind you. And this wouldn’t be the first fucking time this artist stole a song to make a hit single with. Remember “Right Round”? Yeah, that was as just blatant rip off, and quite frankly, I doubt that Flo Rida ever knew about this actual song. This leads me to believe that Flo Rida blatantly stole the song from Meatspin.com. Flo Rida, care to try and defend yourself on that one, man? I mean, you have to admit, it really doesn’t look too good for you, man, and your “hood credibility” if you really did steal that song from that certain website.

And that’s the problem with today’s rap artists… They’re far too concerned with image, and they’re of the belief that image is everything in the rap business. The belief is that you have to be completely gangster to mean anything in the rap business, and that your felony record has to be longer than the actual list of hits you’ve ever created. Simply put, rappers are far more worried about “ice” and “rolling up on 22s” and such. I don’t know what kind of analogies that you crazy kids use. Unfortunately, when it comes to poor gimmicks in wrestling, sometimes the same issue happens to take hold. The belief is that you can cover up a horrendous wrestler with image. And my oh my, could they have not been any more wrong when it comes to this gimmick. So without further ado, let’s bring out the next inductee into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

Rapmaster P.N. News​

And before we actually get into this induction, I just want to make sure it’s not me; doesn’t Flo Rida look like a skinnier P.N. News to anyone else? I mean, really, look at the two guys. Don’t they seem a little similar? Just take a good analysis on the tint of the skin, their facial features, really everything about these guys. I swear to God if you put those absolutely ridiculous mutton chops on P.N. News, they’d be relative look alike. That is, if Flo Rida were to ever become a big old tub of goo.

What Was It: And before we go into that, let’s go into the life of Paul Neu, the man that portrayed the character PN News.

Well, this guy was pretty fat, and didn’t have much experience. I mean, when I’m starting to really notice something in the last three entries I made; they didn’t have much experience at all. So, to make up for that lack of experience, they decided to try and slap on some ridiculous gimmick on the guy, to hide all of that ineptitude you see in the ring. I’m really wondering how the meeting with creative went for P.N. News went;

Dusty: Brotha, come on in, Peen News.

Paul Neu: Um, what was that, Dusty?

Dusty: You heard what I said! We gonna put ya in there as Peen News, and ya gonna walk around the ring in owange tights.

Paul Neu: Orange Tights? Dusty, I’m going to look like a fucking basketball!

Dusty: Naw, baby, you worry too much. And ya gonna walk awound the wing, and ya gonna rap.

Paul Neu: Rap? Dusty, just because I’m black doesn’t mean I can rap. This isn’t going to fucking work at all.

Dusty: Baby, ya gonna be ova! Ya gonna be a star out there! Now go out, and make the Dweam proud, my boy!

At least, that’s really how I imagine that conversation going. The guy was extremely limited in the ring, so they had to gimmick him up so much. And to some extent, he had some success in WCW. They guy had a couple title shots and such. But then again, this was an age in which WCW brought in Robocop, to create what I consider the absolute worst gimmick in history. Don’t worry folks, that one will be coming up, eventually, for me 100th post special in this JTMFTG. Anyway, WCW was a very weak promotion, to say the least, especially at this point, in which they lost Ric Flair. But even then, this guy was just a guy who was a terrible rapper, and couldn’t do anything at all. I’m pretty sure that I could never see Vince running a gimmick like…

[youtube]nLMWZVTKPro[/youtube]​

…. Or maybe they did… god damn it, why do people think this is a good idea.

No, but there is something that, to me, separates Men on a Mission and PN News, and why PN News is getting the induction today.

Men on a Mission didn’t fucking ruin one of my favorite gimmick matches of all time!​

That’s right, the NWA/WCW used to be fond of running one of my favorite blow off matches of all time, The Scaffold matches. It wasn’t just WCW/NWA, as the USWA and other such territories were quite fond of it. And I loved these fucking matches so much, even if the match was the reason Jim Cornette wound up severely hurt, and couldn’t take serious bumps. Simply put, though, PN News, along with Bobby Eaton, Steve Austin, and Chris Taylor, are responsible for the death of scaffold matches, as they put on the worst Scaffold match of all time.

Which leads us to our Match of Ineptitude, between these four men, in a Scaffold match, at the 1991 Great American Bash, which could easily be the worst pay per view of all time.



Why It Failed: The guy was horrendous in the ring. Say what you want about the guy’s ability to do a splash off the top rope, but the guy was just one huge botch in the ring. Even Bobby Eaton couldn’t save his terrible work in this scaffold match, and couldn’t save just how terrible this match was. I’d rather drink a cooler worth of Cyanide than have to watch this match all over again. Everything about this guy, from an in ring standpoint, was absolutely dreadful. Unfortunately, you just couldn’t do much against the guy in the ring, similar to Mantaur. At least with men like Kamala and Vader, you could get some sort of offense out there. However, the thing is, if you’re going to be a compelling face SHW, you have to let your enemies get a decent amount of offense in you, or else people are just going to be unable to get over with the crowd. All the guy had to him was that he was a big guy, and other than that, the guy was completely terrible from an in ring standpoint.

Not only that… The guy could not rap at all. Like, he made Vanilla Ice look like the second coming of Run DMC. His rapping skills were flat out atrocious, and any rapping would basically include him saying “Yo, baby, yo, baby, yo!” That’s the most it made up. Look at this promo from PN News between him and Paul Heyman;



This guy made John Cena look as good as Notorious BIG. He was that bad, folks, I shit you not. His rapping was atrocious, which I suppose was only fitting when you consider his work in the ring. This man was simply due for absolute failure.

Moment of Saving Grace: and this took awhile to find, but I think I have one. Before he’d finish off his opponents, he would call for his music. Basically, he was calling for the end of the match before it even happened. And honestly, it was so cocky, that I loved it. I’d love to see a heel like Dolph Ziggler try that now, when he knows a match is over with. It’s actually a pretty cool thing to do, and I’d love to see it now in today’s era. As for the wrestler himself, there are no saving graces. He took one of my favorite gimmick matches, and burnt it to the ground. And with that, he earns himself a clear, distinct spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.. Thanks for joining, and come see us tomorrow, as we analyze

The Goon​

See ya.

 

[The Doctor]

Wow, PN News. I didn't even know this existed.
That moment of saving grace is a pretty badass one, to be sure. But look at the guy. He's a tub of lard, couldn't wrestle, and couldn't rap.
(By the way, I'm in agreement about rap of yesterday and rap today. I was pissed when Flo Rida copied "Like a Record" and none of my classmates have even heard of Dead or Alive)
On top of all that, he ruined a scaffold match.

As for The Goon, the WWE seems to love bringing him back for Battle Royales. That's the most I know about him.

 

[The Holy One]

As a rap/hip-hop fan, that gimmick single-handedly disgraced the genre worser than a Soulja Boy song. It's like I said two days ago. What the hell was WCW thinking?!!!!! Did Ric Flair departure hurt them that much that they had to put out guys like P.N. News. That match suck so much that Good Ol' JR barely gave any emotion to commentating on a Steve Austin match no less. I'm just glad I wasn't watching wrestling during this time.

 

[The Doctor]

This is off topic, but I just listened to "Sugar" and I am epic pissed. I love Eiffel 65! I wasn't his angry since Kanye ripped off Daft Punk and my peers didn't catch that.
But, yeah, keep up the good work on the JTMFTG. Loads of fun to read and reread.

 

[SavageTaker]

I’m going to go back to Mantaur because I wasn’t able to post anything on him if you don’t mind me doing so Tenta.

Mantaur was a horrible worker. Not a decent one or a semi-decent and not even near decent, he was just flat-out horrible. He couldn’t out on a good match if his live was on the line. Really, he never really did anything inside the ring besides the things you mentioned Tenta. But really, anyone could probably do those same things with some training. It’s not like he was doing something unique or different…well it was kind of different from everyone else. But he was still a horrible worker who doesn’t have a match that anyone will ever remember. I’m not saying he had to have a match that everyone was going to be talking about 10 years later but at least have a match where people will somewhat remember it and be able to say that at least you had a decent match in your career. But he couldn’t even do that because he was a very poor in-ring worker. I’m not even sure if a guy like Bret Hart could get a good match or at least a passable match from him…and he was able to get a good match out of Skinner. Skinner!

So he obviously couldn’t put on a good match if his live was depending on it but I think he’s another one of those cases were his gimmick was placed in the wrong era. It appears Vince didn’t know what time he was in but it was a time were cartoonish gimmicks weren’t really accepted anymore. People didn’t want to see these silly and goofy gimmicks anymore, they wanted to see something that was realistic, somewhat believable, and someone who could be entertaining. Sorry, but Mantaur didn’t have any of those qualities people were looking for. He wasn’t realistic. No one is actually going to believe that someone else is half-bull and the other half is a man. And he wasn’t entertaining. I guess he deserves some props for at least still going out there and looking silly and do what he could…but it doesn’t change the fact that he wasn’t an entertaining wrestler. Sorry, Thanks for trying, but you deserved a spot in the JTMFTG.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And on it’s this tour of the JTMFTG that I impart on you, the tourists, one grueling detail about myself, one that will probably cause you to never look at me the same way again. I admit that it’s shocking, so I ask to remember me fondly if this causes you to look at me differently, and begin to treat me more like a re-headed step son.

I hate hockey.

I really do. And not in an "I hate that Dan Dierdorf is calling the Colts' game" kind of way. No, I hate it the same way Jerry Falwell hates gays, rap music, and holding off on pirating the offering plate. Hockey is a terrible spectator sport that runs in the face of everything that I love about athletics. It's bad enough that the sport is nothing more than basketball, played on ice by white people, with perpetual turnovers and no scoring. What makes it worse is the bizarre and special treatment this cult activity receives from the national media. If aliens were to descend on our planet and watch any random December edition of SportsCenter, they'd believe that the NHL was nipping on the heels of the NFL, NBA, and Major League Baseball as one of the most popular sports in America. (Say what you will about NASCAR, but I see far more Earnhardt 3’s on the back of cars than I do Gretzky 99’s. Plus, NASCAR receives about one-half of the ESPN air time that the NHL receives.)

Now, there are certain things that somewhat attract me about the sport. For one, the intensity in which people pay with is admirable. There are no out-of-shape hockey players. There is not an Oliver Miller, a Corey Simon, or a David Wells to be found on an NHL roster. The men are consistently in shape, no matter what the case is. When’s the last time you saw a war between a hockey player and a coach because the hockey player was “overweight”? Not only that, but most hockey players are pretty gracious, and if you can by that Chinchilla they always seem to be wearing on their chin and neck, their pretty well groomed and nice people.

Plus, I have to admit… Hockey Movies, right after football movies, are my favorite type of sports movies. Anybody that doesn’t like Slap-Shot deserves to be cattle-prodded in the testicles. The Mighty Ducks series is one of my absolute favorite series of movies in a long time. Even a movie like Miracle is at least better than Space Jam (Wait… Sorry, anything is fucking better than that piece of crap). Still, there are a lot of things that really fucking bother me about the game. Whenever you are dying to watch the highlight of the previous night's Vince Carter dunk or Reggie Bush touchdown scamper on SportsCenter, you'll inevitably encounter an Avalanche-Rangers five-hour showdown. Just like when you are making out with a girlfriend and a giant lab wearing a bandana jumps on you and ruins … Well, I should probably stop there, for the sake of the potential Future Miss Tenta. Second, its sub system is extremely annoying, and I can’t stress that enough. Have you ever watched how hockey players sub in to game? They just jump over the wall while play is going on. That's really cool in pro wrestling when a battle royal is ready to commence, but hockey ruins that "can’t miss" scenario by making an equal amount of players jump off of the ice and back on the bench. Either stop play and check-in like a big boy, or turn the place into East Lansing after a Michigan State Final Four trip. There is no middle ground. At least, there shouldn't be. Third, the sport is completely un-American, and I don’t mean that because of the recent spring of foreign players into the game. No, it’s Un-American, because it’s anti-democratic. One of the great things about sport (in fact the best thing) is that it serves as the great equalizer in American life. People from different backgrounds can compete fairly on a field free of advantage. Dominican boys who used folded milk cartons as gloves make the Major Leagues. Poor kids from French Lick and the Bronx hone their skills in barnyards and Rucker Park and make their way to the NBA. Kids play football in parks all across the country. Tennis ... the ultimate white boy, country club sport, is relatively inexpensive compared to hockey. There is a reason that Culver, Park Tudor, Culver, Harvard, and Colgate dominate in hockey. They are the only people who can afford the equipment. Finally, it’s really just one massive clusterfuck. Watch a goal-scoring highlight on TV sometime, and you'd think that all of the players were being riddled with bullets like Bonnie and Clyde. Asses and elbows cavorting all over the place, it seems that most great plays are just an accident of proximity. Players pawing on each other. The tiny black speck flies all over the place. All-Stars trip over themselves. The organist accompanies P. Diddy tracks. A hockey game is messier (not Messier) than the graphics on a NASCAR shirt. I like my dorm room disorganized ... I like my sports graceful and controlled. Imagine if every touchdown was scored on a fumble recovery. Picture every layup being muddled by a flagrant foul. What if A-Rod tripped over first base on every liner he hit in the gap? That is what sports would be like if they all emulated hockey. And that, folks, is why I hate hockey more than life itself. And maybe that biases me… But I don’t care if the guy was coming into Pro Wrestling impersonating and underwater basket weaver. A bad gimmick is a bad gimmick, no matter what the case may be. And this, folks, was a fucking bad gimmick. And with this in mind, I induct the next wrestler into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

The Goon​

What Was It: Well, actually, we have a back story on this guy, as opposed to me absolutely knowing nothing about this fucking guy!

[youtube]tv8RVxOPAe4[/youtube]​

Now I guess I can actually make my six page requirement without having to do some goofy shit like a… Youtube… Clip… Anyway, so yes, this guy actually does have a story to him, as his name is Barney Irwin. You may have heard of some previous work the guy did, both as a member of The “Super Destroyers” in the NWA with his brother, Scott Irwin. Now then, that’s not to be confused with The Super Assassins, who came to mediocre fame in WCW in 1995. This, here, is the Super Destroyers;

And The Super Assassins couldn’t be bothered to provide us with a picture, so here’s a picture of the Yeti.

So there ya go, Barney Irwin actually meant something to the wrestling world. He teamed up with brother Scott for a long time, and then began a gimmick as “Wild Bill Irwin”. His biggest match was against Davey Boy Smith.

Which makes him prime material to be stolen away by the WWE!

So they stole the guy, and suited him up with a new gimmick. He was a hockey player that got thrown out of every fucking league. Because, you know, there are so many hockey leagues. And way to make your promotion second class, Vince. Not only are you stealing “talent” from the Hockey leagues, but you’re also stealing them from B league teams. So the guy had some promos to start off with, and they showed him doing Hockey penalties like hitting people with sticks, and tripping them with sticks.

Which meant that is he was ever allowed to use his stick in the ring, his opponent was totally fucked. So he debuted, and there were two things I’d like to point out before we get into The Match of Ineptitude:

1. The Guy wore skates… I think that’ll go into the Why It Failed Segment

2. His finishing move was The Check. In which he checked his opponent outside the ring into the ringside barrier. I wonder how the fuck he ever planned to win a championship that way. As a matter of fact, let’s go into a probable dialogue between a man that oversees contract signings, and The Goon.

Contract Guy: Ok, Goon, typical rules. Can’t win the title by Count out or DQ. The rules are…

Goon: Wait, what do you mean I can’t win the title by Count Out? That’s my finishing move, man. I always win my matches by count out!

Contract Guy: It’s the way things are done.

Goon: Not by me. Sorry.

Contract Guy: *Sigh*… Anything else you want?

Goon: Well, could the ringside area be iced for my match?

And with that, let’s go to The Match of Ineptitude, between The Goon, and Dan Jesser



Why It Failed: First and foremost, the skates were a real safety hazard, not only for Irwin, but for the other wrestler. Those blades can cut pretty damn hard, and they’re not safe at all. One bad move, and someone can wind up with a sliced finger, or worse. Trust me; it could have really gotten much worse than how I’m proclaiming it. Vince really should have known better than putting skates on the guy, and having him trying to walk around like that. There’s a reason those skates were made for ice… They were fucking meant to be used on an ice rink, and not on concrete, or the mat of a WWE ring. Least of all the WWE ring, as you can bet that those can cut the mat, and make work much harder for the other guys you have going out to the ring.

Which really was a problem, seeing as how the guy stayed at the low portion of the card. Namely, because he never beat anyone. This guy was a pretty big jobber, but never got the upper hand on any of his opponents, save a jobber or two. He wasn’t built up, and rightfully so. Some will say his work left much to be desired, but I felt it was all in his character, and that you really can’t blame Irwin there. Simply enough, this was Vince’s attempt to satirize sports, and much like another gimmick you will seen in this JTMFTG, no one cared about Vince’s belief on sports.

The Moment of Saving Grace: Like I said, this guy was part of a series, and thankfully, he was the last of that series. Granted, that series was of two wrestlers, but that’s still a series by my books. This would be the last actual wrestler Vince would use to satirize sports, and thank God that was the case. Otherwise, we could have a whole slew of wrestler place in here for failed sports gimmicks. And such sports gimmick will quickly place you in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thanks for joining, and come back tomorrow as we scope out

The Red Rooster​

See ya.

 

[The Doctor]

Well, now I actually know something about The Goon other than the fact that they like putting him in battle royals...

Skates? Seriously? Not only was it a terrible gimmick, it was also potentially dangerous! This is total and complete idiocy.

Ah, the Red Rooster. I know quite a bit about him as I've read a chapter in a book about him.He was dogged with chants of "Rooster" for the rest of his days because of that gimmick. That gimmick deserves a special spot in the JTMFTG, because it killed his career.

 

[The Holy One]

Ah yes, The Goon, Another character from my days as a little wrestling fan that I would like to forget. I would like to, but guys like those stick in your mind like a bad date. After watching this introduction, I have become to believe that Vince was litterally trying to self-fuck his company. With guys like The Goon and the Mantuar in this period, I'm suprise the WWE survive during this time. Though with the wrestling fans today, there is no way this gimmick would've survive.

 

[SavageTaker]

You can also give The Goon the honor of most dangerous attire in the history of wrestling. Really, who wears skates to wrestle? Now, I’m no wrestler but I’m sure that there’s certain things a wrestle can and cannot wear. I’m sure that skates falls under the category of things wrestlers shouldn’t wear as part of their attire. When I think of The Goon’s attire I just shake my head and question what Vince was thinking when he let him wear skates as part of his attire. Wearing skates instead of boots is a hazard and very dangerous when he’s wrestling other people. He could have easily hurt someone with those skates and you know who would be at fault? Vince for letting him wear the skates. Like I said, this is just one of those times I shake my head and question Vince’s decision.

Anyways, the Goon’s gimmick wasn’t really memorable and didn’t do anything that warrants me rambling on and on about it. Well, that’s mostly because I don’t want to or because he didn’t do enough for me to write about him, it’s probably the latter. Anyways, he was just there. He wasn’t someone who everyone is going to remember, he was just there and not many people will remember his gimmick because it wasn’t particularly good. Maybe it’s just me that doesn’t like it when wrestlers play gimmicks of sports (like the goon) or maybe it’s because Mr. Goon didn’t really do anything of importance. It’s the former and latter. He was just some jobber that no one really cared about. I don't want to comment on his actual wrestling skills because I haven't seen much of his work so it would be a little unfair. But I do know he was a jobber and didn't really garner much wins during his time as The Goon. At least he can claim he wasn't as big a jobber as the Brooklyn Brawler. Right?

 

[rony31]

Wow, those skates were actually real? I could have sworn that after a while he started wearing gimmick skates with the blades replaced with rubber. Man, that is fucked up. His finisher should have been a stomp to the throat at least.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And today, we’re going to learn something very harsh, yet very true about the wrestling world:

If Vince did not create you, he will bury you completely

I mean, that’s just the unfortunate facts people, you really can’t put it any other way. He took Barry Windham, and made him a fucking character called “The Stalker”. He took Harley Race, and made him “King Harley Race”, and what was once a tough man became a wrestler with blonde hair, and pretty generic as a heel. Shit, he fucking took Farooq, and made him into fucking Spartacus. Admittedly, though, he did give Farooq Sunny…. And well, I’d go out to the ring smothered in bacon grease if it got me that much closer to Sunny in her prime. I mean, just take a good look at the girl.

Folks, I’m going to be on a date tonight, and I’m pretty tempted to beat my dick like it owes me money. I’m just saying…

Anyway, as it stands, if you’re not one of Vince’s creations, he’s going to bury you. He’s done it before, to many talented wrestlers, who still had plenty left in the tank. Shit, just look at what he did to Tony Atlas when he came back. It’s only six fucking pages back, I assure you. And you’ll also find out how he completely buried the man that is Ricky Steamboat. Yes, before Vince was thanking this guy for saving the Wrestlemania match Jericho had with Piper and Snuka and Steamboat, Vince was parading the poor sumbitch around in legit dragon apparel. Not exactly the look of a top contender, I’d say. Anyway, and don’t ask me why, but Vince just doesn’t like to give a rubber stamp on something that isn’t his. I can’t think of a single wrestler that he created that wasn’t seen as a viable….

…. Fuck you, Ric Flair! You always manage to ruin the God Damn monologue. Face it, Ric; you’re never going to find yourself in this JTMFTG, no matter how much you just might like an induction. Anyway, yeah, Vince usually winds up giving these men utterly horrendous gimmicks, the likes of which hopefully will never see the light of day again. Some are portrayed as Narcissicists, or as black Spartans, or even worse, as absolutely nothing really. However, of all the men that Vince buried, none suffered a worse fate than the man we’re about to bring out here. None was ever more degraded, and made for a sad state, than the case we’re about to discuss today. This gimmick was just bad, and the sad thing was, this guy was a handful in the ring. The guy could actually do stuff, and for what it’s worth, this guy was rumored to have been the original Mr. Perfect. However, Vince saw the need to give this guy worse treatment than anyone working at Enron. (Wow… I’m still making Enron jokes… Someone shoot me.) So with that in mind, allow me to introduce the next candidate into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

The Red Rooster

What Was It: Well, first, before we go into detail on this one, let’s first analyze the man behind the gimmick, Terry Taylor. The guy himself, as a very fabulous worker. A former NWA Heavyweight Champion, back when the belt meant something, the guy was one of the NWA’s best draws. His feuds with the likes of the original “Nature Boy” Buddy Landel made for fantastic matches, and left us all clamoring for more. They guy could do it all in the ring, and had all the tools to make it big in the world of Pro Wrestling. The man also had memorable matches with the likes of Nikita Koloff, and was a fixture on the UWF area. Simply put, I have yet to see a truly bad Terry Taylor NWA match, or from any other promotion besides the WWE. As a matter of fact, here’s a bonus match I offer to you all, and note the man the guy was facing. Sure, his opponent was a little green, but I’m pretty sure that it didn’t matter one bit. This guy would wind up becoming a pretty big name for the NWA, and eventually WCW…



The man had it all. He could walk the walk, and talk the talk. He could wrestle terrific matches against anyone, and give money promos whenever the guy needed to. The guy could hold together the NWA, especially at a time when it was particularly fragile. This man could do it all. Soon, however, we would learn if the guy could crow. Vince saw the guy was good, and signed him on to the WWE team. In 1988, Taylor signed with the World Wrestling Federation. Debuting as babyface Scary Terry Taylor, he tag teamed with Sam Houston against The Conquistadors in his television debut. The Conquistadors pinned Sam Houston in the match and afterwards Taylor got on the mic and berated Houston for losing the match, beating him down turning heel.

Seems like a great beginning, right? Well… Funny thing about that beginning…

Taylor got Bobby Heenan as his manager and Heenan renamed him "the Red Rooster", a gimmick which saw him don red tights and ring coat, and, later, style his hair like a rooster's comb after turning babyface. You know that belief that Bobby Heenan could get over a ham sandwich in the ring. That belief is to count the exception that is The Red Rooster. I don’t care if it was Hulk Hogan with Bret Hart’s moveset out in the fucking ring, this was a terrible way to create a wrestler. And the sad thing is, the guy was apparently the original Mr. Perfect. You know, blonde hair, chewing gum, perfect-plex and such? Yeah, this was supposed to be the guy, and believe me when I say that he could surely back it up in the ring. Still, it went to Curt Hennig, which was a great choice anyway. The only person that lost out from this choice, it would seem, was Terry Taylor.


Early in his Red Rooster stint, the heel Taylor was portrayed as a novice wrestler who could not navigate his way through matches without constant instructions from Bobby Heenan. Eventually, Taylor (who, again, was actually a very talented wrestler) grew tired of Heenan's constant coaching and turned against him, defeating Heenan in a thirty second squash match at WrestleMania V. You see, Terry beat him in less time than The Warrior did. So he must be better than Warrior… Right? Taylor became a face as a result, though he retained the Red Rooster gimmick, and even began referring to his fans as "Rooster Boosters." He remained in the WWF until mid-1990. Warren Mickle did a gimmick in the independent PHWF, just going by Rooster, donning sunglasses and a red rooster bodysuit. Which is completely shocking to me, because I don’t think anyone would ever want to repeat this type of gimmick again.

And now, let’s go one ahead to the Match of Ineptitude. This match will be a Saturday Night Main Event between The Brooklyn Brawler and The Red Rooster. Complete with a promo that was utterly horrendous.



Why It Failed: There’s a reason I didn’t include much of an actual match into this thing; it doesn’t do justice to how poor of a gimmick this was. Taylor could always pull out a good match, regardless of the opponent. Even someone as dreadful as Steve Lombardi could have a decent match against Taylor. And trust me, no one hated the Brawler any more than I fucking did. Saying the guy couldn’t work is as far from the truth as you get. The guy was sound in the ring, and was able to have great matches.

No, the man’s problem was simple….

That Fucking Gimmick Was So Horrendous, That It Would Flat Out Ruin The Man’s Career

I mean, come on, the guy was a fucking chicken. I don’t think Jesus could have gotten over as a chicken. The dude was so buried by poor Creative, it’s not even funny. Who the Hell decides that crowing and a red little red hair on top. Even for the Hogan era, this gimmick couldn’t be taken seriously, and no one could possibly have gotten on board for this one. And I don’t blame you, really. With a gimmick like this, how could you ever see yourself getting behind this guy?

The Moment of Saving Grace: Earlier, I mentioned that Mr. Perfect was given to Curt Hennig, instead of Terry Taylor. And while Taylor might have made a good Mr. Perfect, there’s no doubting that Curt Hennig was absolutely… Well, Perfect for being Mr. Perfect. The guy had all the ability as Taylor, with maybe a little more promo ability. The guy was casted so well as this arrogant heel that knew he was perfect. Looking back on it, I can’t picture Mr. Perfect looking any other way, what with the towel behind the back, and the stick of gum, and that oh so memorable music. You know the music I’m talking about…

[youtube]1fqIIqJ8o4M&feature=related[/youtube]​

Ah…. That’s a nice touch right there. They don’t make music like this anymore, really they don’t. Still, Hennig made that role custom for himself, and was able to craft pure Perfection. So I guess we can’t consider Terry too much of a loss. The guy would go back to WCW, and have some moderate success. Still, I can’t help but wonder of the sad case of Terry Taylor, and if he had become the first Mr. Perfect. Instead, he was saddled with a piss poor gimmick, and thus, will have to face a sad induction into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thanks for joining, and watch tomorrow… I think…. As we make our next induction:

T.L. Hopper​

See ya.​

 

[The Doctor]

Oh dear, The Red Rooster. When I first read about him, I was angry, and sickened. Not only was he saddled with a terrible gimmick, it was a gimmick that would kill his career. Everywhere he went he was dogged with chants of "Rooster! Rooster!". And this guy had potential! It would be different if it was, say, PN News that got this gimmick. You have to feel sorry for Taylor. If they thought his chicken act would garner sympathy, they were sadly mistaken.

As for TL Hopper... He has the worst entrance theme. Ever.

 

[The Holy One]

It's a sad sight to see an incredible worker like Taylor stuck with this terrible gimmick. It's like watching the series finale of your favorite show. Well not exactly, you actually care about the show unlike the Red Rooster. I've seen Taylor's work against Flair and I thought he was a great wrestler and had nice mic skills. I think given the right gimmick he could have been a main eventer, but instead with got the horror known as the Red Rooster which deterred Taylor's career as one of the best to this memorial.

As for TL Hopper, I have to see it to believe b/c I don't think there's any music worser than the American Males

 

[SavageTaker]

Poor Taylor, he was a good worker and really didn’t deserve a gimmick like this. Like you mentioned Tenta, he could always pull out a solid and entertaining match out of basically anyone. But the problem is that he was put in a gimmick that makes you have to be some type of magician to make it work. By that I mean, you would have to be a magician and do your magic to change the gimmick. Hopefully someone understood what I was trying to say. Anyways, he really didn’t deserve this Rooster gimmick as it basically ruined his career. Everyone was going to remember him for being Rooster and not for being able to get good matches out of people no one would expect good matches out of, for example Brooklyn Brawler like you said Tenta.

It’s really unbelievable that this gimmick was so silly. When someone is put in a gimmick such as the Rooster, it is really hard to recover from it. It just isn’t a gimmick anyone can take serious and the problem is that no matter what it couldn’t be taken serious. I’m sure there have been silly gimmicks in wrestling that have worked, and that’s because some of those wrestlers were able to make it work. Who could make the Rooster gimmick work without being ridiculed because of the attire and gimmick? I really can’t think of an answer to that because I can’t think of a wrestler would be able to do so. It was just a silly gimmick that couldn’t be taken serious as a threat to anything because of how silly it was. I really do feel sorry for Taylor because he didn’t deserve to be put in a gimmick like that, then again most people wouldn’t deserve that either.

 

[The Doctor]

Hello and welcome, one and all, to the Doc edition of the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks! I’m filling in for Tentzilla today, as he's off doing a paper. So expect this to be like a Tenta edition of the JTMFTG, except poorly-researched and with lots more profanity! Yay!
In this great big world of ours, there is one saying that always rings true: Don’t judge a book by its cover. In the world of wrestling, this should be “Don’t judge a wrestler by his entrance theme.”
In this case, however, do. And you will see why. In this edition of the JTMFTG, I will be inducting the one and (thank God) only wrestling plumber. That’s right, folks:

T.L. Hopper
​

What Was It: Well, first I must give you a little background on the man behind the low pants, Tony Anthony. From 1980-1988, Anthony worked the Southeast territories. He was trained by Steve Keirn (who worked in the WWF as Skinner, so it really shouldn’t be a surprise that Anthony was stuck with a dreadful gimmick) and Ron White. He won tag titles by defeating The Fabulous Ones, a team which included Keirn. He moved on to United States Wrestling Association and became the first USWA Southern Heavyweight champion. From 1992 to 1996 he worked in Smokey Mountain Wrestling, becoming a main eventer and even winning the SMW Heavyweight Championship and SMW Television Championship multiple times, going over such names as Brian Lee and Jake Roberts. His final Heavyweight title reign netted him #25 in the PWI 500. With all this going for him, you’d think he’d do well in the WWF, right?

[youtube]f05S9x7BarE[/youtube]​

Thank you, Lex.
No, he did not have success in the WWF, because he was given the gimmick of…wait for it.. A wrestling plumber. And so, Tony Anthony became TL Hopper, the wrestling plumber. Not just any old wrestling plumber, a HEEL wrestling plumber. And he also earned the dubious distinction of having one of the worst entrance themes of all time.

[youtube]smX0aC0SUTo[/youtube]​

Say what you want about American Males, Isaac Yankem, Evan Bourne, IRS, and others. Try and dispute it. This is the worst wrestling entrance theme of all time. Dark music, and toilet flushes. It did nothing to get him over as an evil plumber. All it accomplished was to cause some peoples’ ears to bleed and for Hopper’s opponents to possibly have intestinal discomfort. Maybe that was the point.

Why It Failed: Do you seriously have to ask why? Terrible gimmick, terrible entrance theme, and sheer stupidity was why it failed. His valet was a plunger called Betsy which he’d stick in peoples’ faces when he won! His pants hung low, he wore an undershirt, and he was god damn wrestling plumber! For God’s sake, it was never going to get over! Why would we cheer a garbage man, yet boo a plumber? Why would we hate a hockey player, yet love a man who acts like a rooster? It just doesn’t make sense!

Match of Ineptitude:

Two terrible gimmicks going after each other. Does life get any better than this?
I wanted to find the clip of him parodying the scene from Caddyshack at the show beore SummerSlam 96, but I couldn’t. You guys get off easy this time.

The Moment of Saving Grace: Well, after his failed run as TL Hopper, Anthony returned to the Federation as Uncle Cletus, which eventually ended in the Legion of Doom getting the tag team titles, and that’s always good, right?

So now Mr. Anthony has on his amazing resume an induction into the JTMFTG. Seriously folks, there’s only one thing you can say about the TL Hopper gimmick: It was pure shit.​

((Ironically, as I was typing this out, I was struck with a major urge to go to the bathroom. Weird, life is.))

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And first, before we begin this little induction, I’d love to give a little shout out to Doc. I already said how much of a great job he did in another thread in the bar room, and I can’t deny, the work was fantastic. I know that you had a lot of research to do that exhibit, Doc, but thank you for coming through in the clutch, man. I’ll never forget it. You’re quickly rising through the ranks as one of my favorites.

And speaking of my favorites… I really love boxing. Boxing is the closest that any sport comes to purity. It is the sport that all others aspire to. It's a reflection of life. It has all the nasty things we experience in life like greed and hate, dishonesty and corruption, pain and failure. But it also has all the good that life has to offer: pride and grace, honor and nobility, honesty and pure pleasure. No other sport can come close to making this claim. Why do I love boxing? I love boxing because of the self-disciple. Boxing is a sport of constant training of both the body and mind. If you miss a workout it will show in the ring. If you skip your roadwork it will show in the ring. If you spend your time drinking and carousing it will show in the ring. It is a sport of dedication. A sport where you can't cut corners or you will fail. Unlike team sports, where if you slack off a little a team member can help you out, in boxing there is no one else to depend on but yourself. Your corner can give you instructions, but you have to execute them. Your manager can set up fights, but you have to win them. A fighter can be in perfect shape. His skills can be sharp as a razor, his reflexes can be honed like a jungle cat, but if his mind is not strong his body will fail. In no other sport is mental strength so important. You have the build-up to the fight, the press conferences and the weigh-in. During these times the fighter works to brow beat and intimidate his foe. The battle has already begun and the bell for round one has not even rung. On the day of the fight is the walk-ins and the introductions, but the true test of mental toughness comes when the two fighters have to step up to one another in the center of the ring. While the referee gives the instructions the two combatants stare each other down, looking for any sign of weakness. How many fights have been won during the stare down? I love boxing because of the unpredictability. In no other sport can a person or team be losing badly and then, a second later, be victorious. In football, if a team is losing by three scores, they need four scores to win. In boxing, if a man is losing nine rounds he needs only one punch, a knockout, to win. The old saying "You won the battle, but I'll win the war," has never been truer than in the boxing ring . How can I explain the excitement of watching a fighter who is losing badly on the scorecard deliver one punch to the sweet spot to end the fight? What other sport can deliver that kind of drama? I love boxing because of the feeling and rush it gives you. Is there any greater feeling in the world then to step between the ropes and into the ring? You feel the lights on your face and your ears buzz from the reaction of the crowd. You stomach twists in fear and you feel nervous energy as you get ready for combat. You look across the ring to see the only person that stands between you and victory. You have to test your strength against that person. You must test his skills, his intelligence and his endurance. You have to test his heart. Do you want it more and have you trained enough to get it? Your only salvation is one minute after every round. Can a person every feel more alive than when they are in the ring? Is there any joy greater than the taste of victory? Is there anything more bitter then defeat? As important as skills and understanding of the profession are to a fighter you can never underestimate heart and desire. Boxing is about giving everything you have despite the consequences. It's about determination, durability and power. It's about reaching deep inside yourself and finding out what type of person you really are. A person can never really know what type of person they are until they have been tested and boxing provides that test. In the ring, when things are going badly, is when you really discover who you are and what you are about. Fighters are the most special of people. They understand that it's their job to get into a ring and fight another person, but they also understand that it's a time of self-discovery.

Still, there is a very dirty and ugly side to the sport. It’s filled with bribes, and the fighter’s are nowhere near as recognizable as they used to be. As a matter of fact, the most recognizable moment in the last fifteen years was… Well… This…

[youtube]q9EjHpAtYUc[/youtube]​

Not exactly the lasting impression that makes me feel good about one of my favorite sports. Anyway, when boxing is done good, though, it’s fantastic. They key words are, “when boxing is done good”. Now, when boxing is done poorly, then you have what it is today; a horrendous mockery that, sometimes, seems faker than the sport that we watch every night, just about. Only difference is, our show is just scripted… Every boxing match, nowadays, just looks really fucking fake. Still, it used to have a following back in the day. And Vince, wanting to try every single little venture he could to get outside of wrestling, would try to capitalize by having his wrestlers start boxing?

Wait, wrestling and boxing, mixed together? Aside from that sounding like a poor rip-off of the UFC, that does sound like a great idea… Right?

[youtube]V3y3QoFnqZc[/youtube]​

Thank you again, Dr. Cox. Anyway, yes, you would be very wrong. It would result in just another failed move by Vince McMahon. And we like to call this one, besides the next induction into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks,

Brawl For All

What Was It: Well, as I said earlier, there was one goal to this, in attracting the fans of boxing to this, and adding a little shoot fighting to his matches. The matches were actually real, for some reason, and there’s never really any explanation as to why they actually did this. I guess, they just wanted to make the product look more real. Because, you know, we’re not all aware that it’s scripted. Anyway, they even created a little point system to add to it, to make it seem like real wrestling. Each match consisted of three one-minute rounds. Whichever wrestler connected with the most punches per round scored 5 points. In addition, a "clean" takedown scored 5 points and a knockdown was worth 10. If a wrestler was knocked out (decided by an eight-count rather than a ten-count), the match ended. They had people to judge the bout, and the winner would be decided either by knockout or points. If it was tied, they had judges try and decide who won.

And while that was all well and good, The WWE knew who it wanted to win the tournament, and that was Steve Williams. Steve is a guy who actually had most of his success in Japan, and actually is one of the more successful imports to Japan. That is, if you don’t count Vader. Or Stan Hansen. Or Bam Bam Bigelow. Still, the guy was relatively tough, and was pretty intimidating when you saw him in the ring. So the WWE had an idea. They would bring the guy in, have him whoop on some relative jobbers, (A guy named fucking Brakkus was in the tournament. Brakkus!) and build him up for a feud against Steve Austin. In theory, that was what was supposed to happen, and you know what, it really doesn’t sound that bad. The guy was really damn tough, as mentioned earlier, and everyone knew he could fight. They might not have known who he was, but if he beat up some guys in a legitimate match (which kind of undercut a storyline driven promotion, mind you.) then maybe this guy was legitimately tough enough to beat Steve Austin in some scripted matches. How the logic is to that, in hindsight, even close to resembling actual logic, I have no clue. Still, the WWE went along with it, the hopes of building this new superstar. So, instead of putting actual stars into the tournament, so that the fans gave a damn, the WWE decided to add “legit tough guys” to the tournament. And by legit tough guys, I mean complete jobbers. They had wrestlers like Savio Vega, Scorpio, and fucking 8 Ball in there. Now granted, they did have some legit “tough guys” thrown in there, I suppose. Bob Holly was in there, and he’s pretty damn tough. So was Bradshaw, and as long as he’s not fucking fighting against Joey Styles, the guy seems relatively tough. But perhaps the most infamous of these jobbers just might have been Bart Gunn. Or, should I say, “Bodacious Bart”. He was originally Billy Gunn’s Marty Jannety (Sorry, IC. Yes, Marty’s great, but that’s really the only comparison I can actually make.), and when Billy Gunn does that to you, you know something is going wrong in your career. Anyway, they teamed him up with Bob Holly, and they formed “The New Midnight Rockers”. One of the few great teams Vince couldn’t get his grubby hands on. He would be the second opponent on Steve William’s road to the main event, after Steve got done with Quebecer Pierre. Seriously, could they have made it any more obvious who they were pulling to win? They had fucking Quebecer Pierre in his first round. The guy had a fucking eye patch on him! Who could take that seriously in what relates to a boxing match, and for all intents purposes, a shoot fight. Who seriously thought that this would be a fucking good idea for the French Pirate?

Sadly, though, that push would come to a screeching halt, on this night, between Steve Williams and Bart Gunn. Here’s a bonus match, just for you all, between Steve Williams and Bart Gunn.

[youtube]5zoWqYieVrI[/youtube]​

… You know, I’m sure he must’ve been hurt or something… But seriously, it was Bodacious Bart. Shit, he was a fucking Smoking Gunn. So, it’s with this that I play this oh so joyful song. Just picture the “you” to mean Steve Williams.

[youtube]k6uYUomG-jw&feature=related[/youtube]​

It was really that bad. So, they had this pretty useless tournament here, and there was really nothing to do. I mean, it’d be completely stupid to push Bart Gunn, right? Surely, that’d be the stupid thing to do. Maybe they could have just, you know, pretending like this thing didn’t happen?

[youtube]ZNDZS3MVyhs&feature=related[/youtube]​

Yeah, they just continued to dig that little hole they were in, and make themselves look a bit more dumb, by bringing in a pro boxer to box Bart. They were sure that Bart couldn’t lose, and it would make him look like a legit tough guy.

And how did that go? Well, if it went well, do you think I’d really make it my Match of Ineptitude? Yeah, that’s not happening, sorry. Anyway, so the guy was set to box Butterbean, at Wrestlemania 15:

[youtube]bj0l_BbHSGo[/youtube]​

Wow….

[youtube]q36uaSlf0ck[/youtube]​

And yes, that was Zeus, from No Holds Barred. Sounds like a terrific topic… Maybe someday…

Why It Failed: First and foremost, the scoring style was too fucking stupid. If you’re going to have boxing, just fucking have it. But seriously, no one wanted to try and follow that shit. Aside from the fact that it was MMA style, and as you’ll read on most posts that claim they want MMA in Pro Wrestling… You really don’t. You might really think that you do, but I can assure you, you couldn’t be farther from the truth. I hope that someday, people learn this about Pro Wrestling;

We don’t fucking want boxing. We don’t want Karate, or MMA, or any other type of popcorn fart activity out there. Plain and simple, we want fucking wrestling!

Anyway, even if this was appealing, it lost all of its appeal when the names that we wanted, and the guys that were picked to win, actually won. This whole bloody thing may have been set up just to push Steve Williams. Yet, when he was knocked out, people immediately stopped caring. None of the guys that were in the BFA, at this point, were even close to superstar level, and the one superstar they were hoping to make through this got knocked the fuck out. So, with no stars to make, and nothing to gain, they decided to try and make something out of nothing by having Bart Gunn face a real boxer. And when that happened, it turned out that they made less than nothing. Not only did they unintentionally buy one star, fuck, they buried one and a jobber, and made their entire company look weak.

Moment of Saving Grace: Shit, I can’t even go my standby of they’d never do this again, because, lo and behold, they fucking did do it again, at Wrestlemania 24. You know. Big Show. Floyd Mayweather. Yeah, that was fucking atrocious. Still, Vince just doesn’t learn. Boxing should stay the Hell away from wrestling. Otherwise, it’s probably going to find itself here. Simply put, there is no saving grace to this, and can you blame me for not finding one? This weakened the whole company, and turned what could have been a main event star into a laughing stock. That right there will earn you a spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thank you, and join us tomorrow, as we discuss,

The Real Man’s Man, Steven Regal​

 

[SavageTaker]

Doc, you did a good job. All I want to say about Hopper is that he probably could have been made into a really good comedy gimmick. Seriously!? Who wouldn’t laugh at a guy who plays a plumber and has some horrible theme music? Now, I’m not saying being a plumber is a bad thing or something to laugh at, but when it comes to pro-wrestling you know they would have gone to the extreme, no pun intended, to make sure the gimmick was something to laugh at. I think it could have made a great comedy gimmick, but that’s not what we got.

As far as Brawl for All goes, I hated the whole idea and concept of it. I watch the WWE because they are a wres…err…sports entertainment company that uses wrestling to entertain. If I want to see something “real” then I would watch boxing or MMA or something else, not the WWE. They put out wrestling and that’s what I wanted to see. It’s not that hard to please me. Really Folks it isn’t. But when you can’t give me one little thing I ask for, I’m not going to be happy about it. All I asked for was to see wrestling instead of shoot fighting, and they gave me…wait for it…shoot wrestling. Obviously not what I wanted to see…because what I wanted was WRESTLING. But that was a really hard and big thing to give me…so I didn’t get it.

I don’t care who the names involved were because they were going to be doing something I didn’t want to see. Hell, you could put Randy Savage and The Undertaker in there, I still wouldn’t have liked it any more than I did without them. Would I have seen it with both of them added in (if Randy Savage was to be working with them at the time)? Of course I would have. But do you know why? Because they are my 2 favorite wrestlers, but that still wouldn’t change the fact that I hated the Brawl for All concept. Just a really stupid idea if you ask me. I know what they were trying to do but they could have done something else that fans actually wanted to see and they would still get the same effect.