Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. Im proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated,
John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock youre about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for entertainment. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, its necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his heyday, its pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, Ive chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and well never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while weve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now were going to go into a realm that even Im not sure exactly how Im going to stomach. So, with that in mind, lets begin this little induction of ours.
And today, were going to continue this little theme of doppelgangers that Ive had going. By that, I mean were presenting wrestlers who hadnt the talent to get over by themselves, and had to ride the coattails of their intended wrestler of their affection to actually get over. You see, though, up until now, weve had another, subtle little theme going. In all of the cases weve seen, the wrestler portraying the gimmick was said to have plenty of respect for the gimmick which they were shamelessly raping to get a cheap pop. While Jericho besmirched the sacred name of Liger, it wasnt that he didnt respect Liger, it was that the idea sucked. Dale Torberg probably wasnt a great wrestler, but at least he had some respect for Kiss. Of course, when I say respect, its only fair to put that into context, by saying they didnt have the respect to just let the name be in peace, rather than fucking with the intended impostered. Still, there was never any malignancy intended for the person on the receiving end of the doppelganger; its just that the wrestler portraying the doppelganger managed to fuck up poorly enough that the gimmick could never last more than two to three months. Except the Demon; for reasons
far beyond my comprehension, The Demon was allowed to skull fuck me for a good year on WCW Television. And when I say good year, I mean one of the worst time periods any wrestling promotion has ever force fed me. And mind you, I was around for Katie Vick.
But, sometimes, there are doppelganger gimmicks which intend to humiliate the subject of the doppelganger. Of course, this only happens because promoters feel that everyone should hear their personal problems, and decide to put them on display for the world to see. Even though, you know, a
absolutely nobody gives a shit about the bookers personal life, at all. Still, bookers insist that their personal lives are so damn interesting, that it would be downright idiocy to
not promote whats going on in their lives as a storyline on national fucking television. Why this happens, Im not entirely sure, other than the essential truth that all bookers are megalomaniacs. And because all bookers are megalomaniacs, we have to sit through insufferable shit about the guy whos dog took a big old crap on Vince McMahons lawn every two or three weeks. Now, normally, I get that bookers are petty, and that theres no other way to describe it other than humans being far too petty, and thinking strangers give a damn about whats going on in their personal lives. However, on this occasion, Ive been waiting months to store up all the anger in my system. In fact, Ive alluded to doing this gimmick many times in the past, and have always wanted this to be my most angry, and downright ugly, induction Ive ever done. And, to add on to how perfect this is, the center of my hatred has recently been fired from TNA! Yes, the man that Ive wished a carnivorous slug would be planted in his beef jerky, and eat out his internal organs has been fired from the only meaningful job he can ever have in professional wrestling! I will no longer have to sit through his non-sensical booking, his arrogant beliefs on the world of wrestling, and my overall hatred for the man as a human being.
And no, that man is not Vince Russo. Though he deserves a warm spot right at the end of Satans pitchfork, where I can only hope wild dogs tear his scrawny ass into thousands of indiscernible pieces. He, too, had a pretty big chunk of this gimmick thrown in, and there was no other reason to do this gimmick either than to be mean spirited. And granted, if they had just mocked the guy a little, it would just be the case of a booker abusing his power, and while it would have been a bad gimmick, nobody would have nearly as much of a problem with it as the IWC. However, the two masterminds behind this gimmick then went out of their way to make fun of the guys
crippling, debilitative disease. That, right there, is very much a sign that youre going straight to Hell. Vince Russo can banter all he wants about being born again, but its all a sham. Hes still the terrible human being he used to be, and Ill bet he doesnt have a hint of regret over what he did to a man whos suffered a debilitating disease, which potentially could have ruined his livelihood.
Yeah, in case you cant tell, I passionately dislike Vince Russo, and I dislike the man that went along with this silly gimmick, the next induction into the
John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks:
What Was It:
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No, no, it fucking wasnt that
.
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God damn it, it had absolutely nothing to fucking do with Oklahoma! So, what did it have to do with, you say? Well, that would have to be our good friend Jim Ross, better known as
Well, Good Ol JR. Creative, isnt it? But yes, our story begins with Jim Ross and Vince Russo working together when Vince was a member of WWEs creative. Apparently, the two had a grudge or something, and it had to do with the fact that JR was so close to Vince McMahons ear, from a talent standpoint, and from a booking standpoint. Yes, Vince Russo created Attitude, but he always wanted to go a bit further with his creation. It was Jim Ross and Vince McMahon to rope back his
Well, shall we say, more idiotic ideas, and keep Raw from being a completely incoherent clusterfuck. To some extent, Russo always resented Ross for it, and Im not sure why. Without Ross and McMahon, Russo would have probably taken Raw, and made it exactly what WCW would come to be. And if youve read any of my articles on WCW after Vince Russos regime, youd know that would be illogical, pointless, and overall drivel. Ive yet to come across a person who enjoyed WCW, without enjoying it for the perverse reason of enjoying horrible television. Then again, plenty of people like True Blood
Anyway, thats not the point. Actually, Id be remiss in pointing out that, in fact, there are a contingency of wrestlers who dont like JR. B.G. James, the Road Dogg, has gone on record as saying he hates the steps that man takes, though that really makes no sense at all, and Monty Sopp, Billy Gunn, was at least partially agreed with such sentiments. Im not sure of others, but have heard that the man is polarizing at best. So, for all we know, Russo may have a legitimate reason for hating Ross. Not that it can ever justify what happened next, but perhaps Ross may not be such a likeable guy. Again, Im not sure as to why somebody would pick a fight with JR, but more power to the guy, if he feels hes been wronged by Ross.
So, Russo and his lackey, Ed Ferrara, were brought in to WCW, and were seen as the saviors behind the WWE Attitude Era. Of course, lets ignore that he had Jim Ross and Vince McMahon to edit Vince Russos otherwise inane booking. Lets also forget that, at this point, Russo was working with the likes of Mankind, Steve Austin, Mr. McMahon, The Rock, and a slew of wrestlings greatest names. This was the guy who singlehandedly brought WWE to the forefront, and now he was going to do the same with the WWE. And, in fairness, Russo put more into the job than most other bookers could say; effort. Russo actually did bring in scripts, production points, and an actual flow to the show, the likes of which were absent from WCW for years. Desperate to get in on the idea that WCW was going to actually have a legitimate flow, WCW executives snatched up some of the scripts, hoping to be in on the success of Nitro. What they saw may their eyes bleed, and their wallets cry in agony; Vince Russo had devised a show that booked three to four things to happen in literally every single segment. The result left a live crowd that was absolutely mindless after having to sit through Vinces Crash TV for three hours, and an at home audience who sat like zombies, unable to conjure just what the fuck happened to them over the last three hours. Of course, Vince wasnt helped by some of the otherwise offensive and downright dumb gimmicks hed come up with to show his brilliance. One of which, no joke, was a pedophiliac, played by Dustin Runnels, mind you, who would whisper in kids ears as he walked to the ring, and produced vignettes of an Uncle Fester wannabe staring at children playing in the park. When you know you have the distinction of creating Dustin Runnels most fucked up gimmick, you know that youve really stumbled onto a massive pile of shit. Were talking about a guy whos gimmick was that he had
tourettes. And you fucking beat that! Congratulations, you must be the absolute worst booker in the history of wrestling.
Whats that? This isnt about Dustin Runnels? Oh yeah, forgot about that. Anyway, one of Vinces first creations would come in Ed Ferraras character, Oklahoma, who was a commentator, who had Bells Palsy, and mimicked Jim Ross to the stammering and yelling sound bytes in which Ross would perform. To say it was tasteless would be like saying Hitler killed a couple people. This is possibly the absolute meanest, most disgusting thing in the world to ever do to someone. The fact is that Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara are absolutely, indisputably soulless, and would do the world a favor by dropping dead immediately. And for our bonus feature, lets look at Oklahomas debut.
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Yeah, that wasnt utterly racist at all, Vince. Nor did it absolutely plagiarize the Rock, at all. So, theres always something that bothers me about this point. At this point, and to my knowledge still, Jim Ross and Steve Williams are very close friends. As a matter of fact, while Steve Williams was a washed up wrestler in 1999, it was Jim Ross that would bring him in to the WWE, and push for him to main event with Steve Austin, which was to arise from the ill fated Brawl for All. So why is it that Steve Williams took part in this? Why would he do something so degrading to his friend? And his stint in WCW, easily taken in with Oklahoma and for nothing else, really, lasted a month. Williams was fully aware of what he was doing. So why would Steve Williams sign on to this? Did he need the paycheck so badly? Did he know what was going on?
Anyway, Ill leave you to ponder this, as we reach our
Match of Ineptitude. Boy, has that never fit any more than it does here. This is a match in which Oklahoma,
The Cruiserweight Champion of all things took on Madusa, in which was something that wasnt taken six months earlier between Chyna and Jeff Jarrett at all, was it? This took place at Souled Out, where, thankfully, both Ferrara and Russo were taken off the book. Alas, it wouldnt last long, and it resulted in the Radicals defection to the WWE, but all I can say is thank God these two were shown the fucking door.
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Why It Failed: Hopefully, I dont need to explain why the concept of an overweight booker, imitating an announcer with Bells Palsy, failed. So in lieu of this, Im going to offer a rant upon Ed Ferrara.
Ed Ferrara is nothing but the most untalented fat fuck Ive ever had the displeasure of showing up on my TV screen. Not liking a guy gives you absolutely no reason to parade around like a ****** in spandex, and parody a man who is far more respected, not only as a wrestling personality, but also as a man, as youll ever be. I rarely wish ill on someone, but Im glad youre fired. Now, you can rot on the streets, unemployed as you should be, and watch as hobos come to nibble on your corpulent ass. Youre an abysmal excuse for a man, one in which I wouldnt even disrespect a walrus ass to have you shoved right up there. Your birth certificate should stand as an apology to the world from the condom factory, and no rational minds would even think to bear such a miserable excuse for a man. We all sprang from Apes, but quite frankly, you didnt spring far enough from you knuckle dragging ancestors. It's a new low for men when you have to wonder what's between his ears instead of his legs, and in your case, I truly have to wonder about both. Though, the mere thought that you can even reproduce is enough to make me regurgitate to the point that my organs can longer facilitate waste, which is the mere equivalence to what you are to the world. You have the innate talent of being Vince Russos lackey, and the only reason you carry that, is because youre the only person that can make Vince look less like a fuck up. You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have to us who think and reason? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You're an idiot. A moron of the highest order. You're so stupid it's a wonder and a pity you can remember to breath. Intelligent ideas bounce off your head as if it were coated with teflon. Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in order to avoid even being in the same state as you. If you had an original thought it would die of loneliness before the hour was out. On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding to the highest attainable IQ) you're rating is so far into negative numbers that one would need to travel into another quantum reality in order to even catch a distant glimpse of it. You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not apply when writing about you. You are the anti-Midas, for all that you touch becomes valueless and unusable. Mothers gather their children close when you appear. You are an aberration, a corruption, and a boil that needs to be lanced. You are a poison in need of being vomited. You are a tooth so rotten it infects the whole body. You are sperm that should have been captured in a condom and flushed down a toilet. I don't like you. I don't like anybody who has as little respect for others as you do. Go away, you swine. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. Meaningful to no one, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
As for you, Vince Russo
. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I wretch at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, and the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are a waste of flesh. On a good day you're a halfwit. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, study, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed , drooling meatslapper. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libellous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystrophic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, and socially-******ed.
. I dont believe any of you should expect a moment of saving grace, really. So heres what Im going to do. Im gonna add a youtube clip of Jim Cornette, and what he believes of Ed Ferrara. Thursday, Im finally biting the damn bullet, and doing The Underfaker, to rap up Doppelgangers month. On behalf of the JTMFTG, we hope you enjoyed your stay for the day.
[youtube]EcW-6wi-17E[/youtube]
