Is it strange to say that an Echelon RP is succinct?
Weirdly enough, this kind of was succinct, and wrapped up your stories for the cycle in a tight, firm package. And through all of this, much like with Theron, we see Kagura's evolution over time. We really get an impression of how far Kagura has come as a character, and how radically she has changed over time. It's actually rather amazing, just how much the Kagura character has evolved from a traditional person to...well, definitely more western, that much is sure. Kagura has certainly evolved, and I think the evolution was much needed. Though I could have seen Kagura take the Bayley route, but this was something where the turn makes sense. Plus...well, considering that Kagura has been through an entire mafia chasing her down, of course she's going to go through a character change.
Why you won't:
I find it really odd that the Yakuza storyline ended on a phone call. It felt... I guess, anticlimactic? I was hoping for a big showdown, but I felt a little bit of a letdown that the Yakuza ultimately relents, due to a power struggle. I mean, I found it weird that the Yakuza did all of this chasing in broad daylight. Isn't the whole point of the Yakuza that they do all of their business away from the sight of others?
I just felt it was a little anticlimactic. And where was Derek in all of this? I mean, he wasn't needed, but I liked how that relationship was unfolding. But yeah, the biggest thing about this is that I felt the Yakuza storyline ending was kinda rushed, and I was left just a little underwhelmed by that portion.
So the core of this RP is Logan meeting up with an old flame of his. The descriptions and dialogue were well written, as I didn’t have any problems breezing through it. The Boston gimmick was a nice touch, but I’m curious as to why Logan does not speak the same way. I did find one formatting issue, but it was minor. One of the drawbacks to writing longer RP’s like this one is that it takes more effort to find spelling and grammatical errors, as well as formatting issues.
What I liked most about the RP: The writing itself is what stood out to me the most; Logan’s resolve. I think your idea this round was pretty solid, and you thought it through.
What I liked least about the RP: I’d highly advise spacing your dialogue and your narration. It makes things easier for me to read, and would make things easier for you to proofread.
Overall this was a huge improvement from what I’ve seen in the past. If this were a normal round you’d have a very good chance of taking the win, but the Lethal Lottery run is just one of those rounds where most people bring their “A” games, and yet there can only be one winner. But I can certainly see a strong finish for you.
Haiku Hogan
This RP basically has two parts, a flashback and the main segment. The flashback was well written and I think captures the overall emotion well. The music was a nice touch, as it really hammers home the mood of the flashback: grief. Well, grief and a bit of salvation. I really like Dorian’s interaction with his wife, as it’s more of a reminder of how important and integral she was to his life and goals. The second half was basically the same material, but with frustration and anger. And I think the ending really left the RP on a high note, as I wanted to read more. The imagery of the RP was also done really well; though I am not entirely sure if Zeus in his attempt to “save everyone” is delusional or if it’s sincere. I started reading with the mindset that Zeus is still pretty deranged.
What I liked most about the RP: Probably the descriptive narration. I like how animated the characters are throughout the RP. There were a few places where you maybe could have added a bit more, but overall I never got a sense that Zeus was just standing around talking and not doing anything.
What I liked least about the RP: There wasn’t anything major that stood out. The RP was solid from top to bottom. If I had to nitpick, Chastity slapping Zeus twice seemed a bit redundant, as I felt she made her point the first time.
Overall I thought that this was a pretty good RP. I noticed that you really didn’t spend a whole lot of time on the Lottery, but I didn't think it was really all that necessary for you to. Regardless I think you’ve have a good showing.
Pro- I liked how you sold Vee and his injuries after the match. I thought it did a good job showing how determined Vee was, refusing help until eventually he had no choice.
I also liked it for a selfish reason, as you put Logan over a lil in selling the damage he caused. So thanks! haha
I also liked the part with Vee's dad. Thought it connected part of his past to the here and now. (And yes, just like that early opponent, Logan would grab the trunks as well)
Con- This isn't anything major, and is more on my end, but im still trying to get used to some of your words. This is obviously just due to living in different regions. Other than that i enjoyed the rp and think Vee is heading in the right direction.
Titus
Pro- The sudden change in Titus. Instead of the same ol face-y Titus, we see the part of Titus that just wants peace. He's tired of dropping everything for the whims of the fans.
It was a very well done rp, and I wouldnt be surprised if Titus is a 2x LL winner at all
Con- Don't got none lol. Excellent RP
Kagura
Pro- I always enjoy your RPs. My son does as well, as Kagura is usually one of the first ones he requests haha.
I've enjoyed the whole adventure with the book, and I liked the intro a lot. I liked seeing the failures, or shortcomings Kagura has been through.
I also enjoyed seeing this "new" Kagura. Now that she doesn't have a language barrier, or is worried about breaking traditions or customs, I think WZCW will be seeing a much more dangerous Kagura.
Con- I felt a little let down by the way the Yakuza threat ended due to internal issues within. Someone else pointed it out already, but with as blatant the Yakuza were in pursuing Kagura, for them to just stop....was a bit deflating.
Other than that I enjoyed the RP overall and am very interested in seeing where Kagura 2.0 goes
The RP was wonderfully written. I admit I know very little about your character. A quick check of the roster page helped me understand much of what's going on here. You have your characters voice down pat, which is one of the most important things when writing RPs. His emotions and mannerisms are very believable. The RP presented a bit of character history, which you were able to connect with the present. The song choice worked, and I liked how it was a turning point in both the past and the present. There was just enough reflection on last rounds match and the upcoming Lethal Lottery. Some people have written wonderful RP's that make no mention of anything WZCW, like previous or upcoming matches, but I always felt there should be some acknowledgement of it to make the RP complete. I could probably point out a few other likeable things about your RP, but I'll stop myself here.
I tried to find things I didn't like about your RP, there wasn't much. The intro was rather long, not to say it wasn't effective in setting the mood, but that it didn't draw me into your story. I honestly wasn't hooked until we got to the present. There was a lot of description that began your RP that didn't add much more than showing that something was wrong. Dorian was very "woo is me". He's very hard on himself, and I couldn't get behind him. His view that he must save all lives or bring people back is flawed to me, and as a doctor he should be learning from those who died on how to prevent them again, not bring them back, but this character flaw works for the deranged Dr. Zeus. Everyone else is at fault and needs saving and Dr. Zeus is never wrong. The double slap I didn't mind much, but maybe instead of the second slap she could've pushed him backwards out of the chair. A different way to jolt him out of his funk. I can't fault your rhyming dialogue, it's not always perfect, but it's something I definitely cannot do and you do it so well.
Your RP is very solid, and your character compelling. Not having read any other RP's, I don't think you'll be the winner, but you'll definitely do well.
This was a really great RP. Of course the big thing about it was the heel turn, which Titus is up there with John Cena for wrestler in most need of a heel turn. The great thing was you were able to keep the reader interested. I kept asking myself where you were going with this. You could feel the emotion and anger of Titus building throughout, and then it finally reached its conclusion which was effective.
A couple of minor critiques I had with it. One was Mick muttering that exact phrase under his breath. It was needed later on, but the chances of him saying that out loud are slim. I would've left out the eBay part, had Titus confront him outright about it there, with Mick worriedly denying it, and then continuing on as you were with Titus calling him out right on the eBay stuff later. Second was the lack of mention about Lethal Lottery. It's a pet peeve of mine when I was on creative, I like there to be some mention of either or both, what's been happening with your character in WZCW, and any upcoming matches. Even just a brief mention in the last paragraph would've been great. My last comment is there not being a whole lot of description. That's not your style I know, but I would've liked there to be more than just "fade to black" to end it. Maybe Mick books it out of there and Titus pours himself a drink and stares at a replica WZCW Title belt. Something. These are all minor points, and not having these doesn't take away from your RP as a whole. It was solid.
Unlucky with timing here, quite an upheaval in your life over the last few weeks and this was obvious through the RP itself.
Quite a genius idea for sure but I doubt many people have read between the lines. Without doing that it seems like you went for every single cliché in the book. Once I highlighted to read the white text it seemed to make a lot more sense.
Seeing how Black is really feeling about WZCW and everything makes it real for a character that's always seemed a bit out there. Good RP but I think with more time it could have had a bit more into it.
I also worry that a lot of people will miss out the white text.
Johnny Scumm
I both liked it, and didn't at the same time. Let me explain why not first of all. I've been involved with the fed since 2007, in that time I've read so many RP's that involve going to a dead relatives graveyard. It's supposed to be emotional but it's overplayed.
That being said you're getting way better, the description in the intro was pretty good making an emotional connection.
I'm glad you added the deluded line in, not sure if others will like it but it's what I was thinking when he said the previous line. I'm not a fan of the I'm doing this for myself bit which contradicts the opening segment.
I'm never a fan of swearing in RP but I like that you targeted KO which would set up a confrontation in the Lethal Lottery.
I think you'll win this but it's very very close. I originally didn't realise the white text in Tasty's RP and that will go in your favour.
I want to preface this by saying that I've been away from WZCW for close to a year and so haven't really read anything by anybody in the fed in that time period with the exception of these RP's, so if I miss anything etc... then I apologise:
Johnny Scumm
Two things to start: you've gotten a lot better since I last read an RP of yours and stop using the slate grey colour. It makes everything a little more difficult to read and barely separates the dialogue from the descriptive text. An easier colour for the eye to see would enhance the enjoyment factor of your work.
I think your RP gets across your message and conveys your feud with Black very well, exploring the personal aspect of the Scumm story along with the professional rivalry with Garth. The feeling and tone is really what drew the most enjoyment from this piece for me, allowing me a real insight into the character as a whole.
That said, you still need to tighten certain aspects of your work up, for example:
Thrash said:
The raging superstar begins to slip his foot into one of his wrestling boots, starting to lace up ready to face the action.
Tonight is the night that I take back. I dont care to feel pain, as no pain matches that of what Ive felt previously."
Your conclusion repeats itself. We know about the pain and how he's felt it, a) your RP has addressed it in full and b) you've mentioned it in the first part of your RP, you don't need to bring it up again. And the last piece of description doesn't really make sense. What, the shoe is lacing itself up? I know it's nit-picky, but it lets down the RP somewhat. Like a bitter taste in the mouth.
Good work for the most part, but, to quote Xavier Woods/Austin Creed, keep it tight. I think you're piece is strong enough for a win against Black and a decent run in the Lottery, but don't expect anything monumental in that latter showing.
Garth Black
This was interesting. The format alone sets it apart from the rest and the style is unique. I felt this came off as rather heelish at points with some sections almost blurring the lines between good and evil and that struck a chord with me, especially heading into the winner take all Lottery match.
You didn't get into too many specifics here either which, again, works well enough for the Lottery (why go through all twenty nine others when you can simply address the field as a whole) but also left it a tad vague when it comes to Scumm, as the story between the two of you doesn't really come across, it's glanced over rather than anything else.
Like Lee noted, I missed the white text at first. This works as a quick piece and should provide a good showing for you in both matches, but you aren't going to take home the gold or the #1 contender's shot.
James Howard
You've missed one of your very first pieces of formatting - "Come in" should be coloured red like the rest of James' dialogue. Its a pet peeve of mine and I'm no stranger to doing it (I did it last round myself) and it sticks out to me almost immediately. A bit like Scumm, I got the general tone, but this felt a little sloppy overall.
The frustration element of this comes across really well and I liked how Howard came across as a well spoken man at the brink, bottling it all up, composing himself and ready to explode at the Lottery and unleash hell, but you seem to get stuck at a crossroads between the Lottery match and the title defense and while I think you lean toward the latter rather than the former, I think your work suffers as a result.
If I'm being honest, this came across like a Steven Holmes RP at times which is good and bad. In terms of positives, this is a strong, nothing overly wrong with how it's written in terms of words spelt or sentences constructed, but negative in terms that often I'd write myself into circles and just repeat points and keep going until I had a passable word count. That's a rut I got stuck in for a good chunk of my run and your RP comes across like that.
Well written and I associate with this, but not my favourite and a bit careless at times for my liking.
Eve Taylor
In contrast to Howard's RP this goes all in on the title match and compromises on the Lottery match. That allows the RP to focus on one core match whilst glancing over the other and it does that superbly. This feels like the culmination of a journey and the execution is on point, showing a real want and desire to go and win the Elite X gold. Of course this does mean that I don't expect the Lottery showcase for Eve to be anywhere near as good.
In terms of negatives, there are some repetitions and rambling aspects that I mentioned previously in others feedback (knee twice in the same sentence, although in a different context, is a tad lazy for a writer of your caliber). The rambling manifests itself in big blocks of text which, as Barbosa always championed, should be avoided. Its cumbersome and ugly in appearance and long in the tooth to read.
These mistakes aside, I think the work itself is very good and I think we're looking at a new champion here.
I like an RP that has a bit of history. This is the first Cerberus RP I've read in a long time and it's good to get reminded of what's going on. I liked the pain of Ramparte as to whether he had wanted to leave the tag team for glory.
The video fits nicely but I really struggled with the Audio volume (fun fact I'm half deaf) but having CC work ok helped out. I liked the intensity a lot, works well. The tease of the split in this works perfectly, I wouldn't be surprised to see you guys maintain this but also go for individual belts at the same time. I also now know how to pronounce Ramparte.
Not much to add part from a couple of points where the purple and maroon are in the same sentence.
Cerberus RP 2 (Flex)
I always love when Johnny Klamor is used. For big matches the old interview technique is underused.
I loved the what if spiel, the passion here and the brushing aside of Tastic. So what? You get the feel that yup he's achieved it as individual championships but you're king of the tag domain.
Typo in Ramparte's second section The fact is that despite all out differences. I really didn't like Klamor calling Eve a ****e, he's supposed to be old school hardline and a gent.
In fact I didn't like the whole Ramparte/Klamor bit. Just felt a bit forced. I don't like the F-bomb being dropped in RP's either, it just didn't click with me.
The why Cerberus will win makes sense.
The Flex/Stacey part worked quite well a good build up of emotions. As a whole good RP, I just think the Ramparte section could have been done better.
Great RP for most, just the Eve bit didn't click with me but I think it will by most.
The imagery of the aeroplane and Mikey/Tastic being stuck there worked so well. I felt Mikey's pain at not one of the kids saying he was their favourite. The butt licker bit worked as it's the sort of humour young kids would love. The chain of events to get into a cell in India made me laugh, especially accusing the Marshall as a Cerberus fan.
I've not read through the LL RP's just yet but I like the 30 three head dog idea. I should point out it'd only be 29 you have to beat but it's a clichéd way of showing the aim.
The ending was impassioned and made me think f-yeah. Rallying Matt as to WHY this is important to Mikey. Different, I like it.
Live Mas 2 (Matt Tastic)
I laughed too much at the thought of Tastic wanting to clobber some pups. Matt's rant about Mikey works much better with Mikey hearing. It sorts of parallels Cerberus' RP yet it shows that you're individuals but are still a team. The Strikeforce handing over of the mantle made me feel proud of the RP.
This match is ridiculously close, I won't be surprised the find there's 1 vote in this. I think Cerberus will win it but Live Mas' RP were awesome as well. Far too close to call but I'll opt for champions advantage.
I like the fact that Howard's been with Mikey before and Eve obviously is part of Cerberus. Just a nice random thing.
James Howard
Formatting wise Funkay mentioned one but I struggled with the colour choice for Leon, was too similar to the black for me (blame my poor eyesight).
Onto the RP itself. I liked the mentioning on how you didn't care for winning the Elite X to an extent. I also like that I naturally ask whether it devalues the title then you really build it up putting the flaw on you.
I did like the hourglass analogy but I felt the burning the house down was a bit of an over the top example that didn't work with the rest of the RP.
All in all a decent RP that will let you do better in the lottery than the Elite X match. It shows the main focus is the world championship. The hit out at the double champ rule works quite well (especially as ROH and WWE both have one at the moment).
Eve Taylor
I description in this RP is great, it really makes me see the picture. Also kudos for being in London, I like when RP's are set in the location the show is.
You made this personal against Howard and how you long to be accepted. That was a brilliant touch.
I would have preferred not mentioning the LL at all, you tag it on at the end in a throwaway and the rest of the RP and the focus on the Elite X is strong enough.
Good RP but not the best you've done. It's enough to win the match though.
Constantine vs. Theron Daggershield [World Heavyweight Title]
Constantine.
Your description is always second to none. It gets right in my head and sets the scene exactly as you want it.
It's the first Constantine RP I've read in a while and it's interesting to see the turmoil of the family side of Constantine compared to the actual Constantine side of him.
I really liked the RP aside from the end, it just seemed that it was building to something that just sort of didn't happen.
20 points for the Simpsons quote at the end though. You and kids eh?
Theron Daggershield.
I'm currently playing Skyrim so I loved this RP. It was fun from start to finish. A lot of the RP's have been doom and gloom (mine included) so it's good to see someone having fun.
I got sucked into the world and it wasn't as daunting a read as I was expecting.
I'm going with Daggershield for the win here as it feels like he's had quite the build up over the year. If Constantine wins that's fine too as I really liked both RPs.
Great opening, I know people often use the match quote throughout the RP but this was perfect in getting into our heads as to what's going on.
I know someone else has mentioned it but in descriptions etc. try and avoid words not everywhere in the world uses. An example is knackered, whilst they use it over here the US don't. Look who's on creative and who will be voting. Make sure they know everything. I know it took me a long time to get used to that (especially being a Geordie too).
Two minor things as well is if mentioning an NPC, just mentioning who they are in the description helps for first time readers. Jordan, valued friend... and Sarah the love of his life... allows people who haven't followed your story to really get into who they are with just a few added words. It's minor but it helps. Another is I felt you used the word demon a bit much.
HOWEVER that is me being picky. I liked the length, not too long not too short. I got invested as to what was happening and out of that I really want so see Vee get his own back on Logan in the Lethal Lottery. I imagine this will set up a feud to KC. It would make sense.
Keep going, you're really improving RP to RP and I think you'll get a good showing in the LL.
John Doe
I know how frustrating it can be to start off on a 'losing streak' but the advantage with WZCW and LL is that even if you don't win you can still get a good showing.
Emotional family flashback. It allows us to get an insight into a bigger story that will be unveiled in time. The sheer disappointment of him being a wheelchair after that huge elation was great.
I liked this RP, the writing style seemed a bit like a choose your adventure style putting the reader as the character. Then it switches, I found it a few sentences to get used to it again.
The Leon bit gave a bit of substance to the madness it worked quite well in amongst everything going on.
Great RP, I don't think you'll win but you're about to get a good showing. Keep this up and you'll hit the ground running.
I won't mention the formatting as Haiku already has but another advice would be to lower the swearing. Eight times in the RP you threw out the F-bomb. I love saying the word fuck but it loses its effect if you say it often.
Those aside I liked your RP, a lot. Start with the frustration in losing which worked so well with Vee's RP being an annoyance at what happened after. Add to it Logan's desire to be Hayden's hero mixed with Hayden getting to meet his superhero in Titus. I loved the way Titus was used here, it worked so well and the emotion of Hayden coming back to the hotel set up nicely.
Just so you know though, if you use a character in the fed in your RP you should ask the handler of the RP if you can use their character. You did not do that with Titus here. I'm fine with how you used him, but adding more to it (speech) could have been in conflict with my own ideas. Just be careful for it with other characters in future as it could cause a problem.
Enter new character. The way you brought Brittany in was good, you got to see a bit on who she was and why the separation happened. I loved the touch of Hayden's going red, it's exactly how a kid would act.
If I had a pound for every time someone called Titus washed up. He has five Oscars, he's not washed up. I think that bit worked so well, it reminds me of the debates on the forum. Why would people like Cena? It makes no sense! Those kids have no taste. Fitted nicely.
Look I loved your RP, it developed the character and got me quite hooked onto Logan. Brittany added a lot more focus than Hayden does and I'm interested to see the dynamic between the three of you. Pumped up and the ending of the RP worked rather well.
Opening was great, seeing a human side to someone so evil is brilliant. The execution with the Pokemon song cemented it as a great emotional ride.
Textbook RP and textbook is good. Start off building a bit of history and comparing it to the evilness. Throw in your last match and your previous struggles. I almost lost it when you mirrored the song later on. :'(
The ending opens a lot of questions as to who the monster is (I'm way out of touch on old school Dr. Zeus so it may be obvious if I did). Great RP, I'm sure you knew that.
Abel Hunnicut
Pre-face I've not read any of your Abel RP's yet.
I loved this, I like the character of Abel as shown through this add into the Celeste and Holmes background to it makes this solid.
The Albino rat analogy worked so well, I spent the RP going you better not kill him and then he dies. Rage, anger. True heel.
The comparisons and ripping to shreds of other WZCW 'Stars' was great as it wasn't thrown in but actually added something to it.
An RP of two halves for me. The description and setting was good especially the part where he's saying he's the weirdo in a group of weirdos. The quest for the Power Glove was a good homage to Alhazred at his peak, it flowed quite well then...then he gets beat.
It keeps it real in the way that someone would almost give up. The kid at the end adds a lot and makes him realise just what is at stake. It's not about the winning, it's the having fun.
elegANT
Short and fun, I like your character. The simple formatting works quite well for you and the focus is on the words. It's fun, has past, present and future.
The problem was it wasn't much content to it, not that that's a bad thing but I feel you're just setting out to have fun ala Red Skull. I think I'll go and read some more of elegANT, he seems hilarious.
Armando Paradyse
This I did not enjoy one bit. First of all proofread your RP, there's a number of times where the wrong word is used (scream, your) and it takes from it.
Secondly, I get the vibe you're going for but it's just not funny. Look at Alhazred's action scene then compare it to yours. It's obvious which is better. If you're going to go this route read some old Action Saxton RP's to get a sense of over the top but in a good way.
Subtlety is lacking from this RP. It's bad enough the Agents are called Titties and Tinnydik but then laughing to make it obvious just makes it worse. Think of more clever names, it would make this better.
I must say the Mayhem bit made me laugh out loud, a nice touch.
You have a good idea but it was poorly executed, tone things down. Make it subtle, build a world with these characters and you can be good. Think and see what you can come up with, shoot the shit with someone to get some ideas.
I know Haiku said it but this RP would be better if you embedded the music on a YT video. I actually played it in the background when reading the RP and it worked so much better.
This has been the theme of yeah I've lost a lot but now I can make my career it gets us into the why yet doesn't ignore past failings.
I'm going to suggest something I have suggested to a few people: Get someone to proof your RP's for the structure of sentences. I always advise this to people where English is not the first language. An example is May I know whats up your mind, The Bookworm?. This happens a few times where the structure is awkward and I would be more than happy to help you with this.
You have cracked the RP format and now we need to add some meat to the bone. The interview technique is very much underused in the fed but sometimes it feels forced and not natural. A few more questions would help.
Here's a fact for you as well, the most hated font in the world is Comic Sans. When people see this they naturally assume it's bad due to the hatred the font gets online. I suggest you either keep things in aerial or use a different font.
Much improved RP, and it fits the mould nicely. A couple of things to tweak but I am offering to help if you wish. Cassanova is a character than can develop in WZCW and I look forward to seeing it.
Lethal Lottery: Garth Black vs. Johnny Scumm (No DQ) [#1 Contender - Eurasian Title]
Garth Black
In a short RP, you wrapped up all Black’s feelings going into Lethal Lottery. “I'll head to the main event to pit myself against many foes and friends,
The latter will be the former when it all ends.” I absolutely loved this line. Kudos to you for writing such a great RP. Garth seems motivated. Short RP’s are fun to read, if written like this.
Johnny Scumm
This PPV has squeezed some of the best works of all people involved. I wanted more of your RP. You minced the words perfectly. But, something was lacking in the backstory. You should have delved some more. But hey, you got me wanting for more. So, your RP was awesome. Signs are that this match is going to be brutal.
I was dreading reading this RP as it's very long and being ill my concentration is not the best, that being said it flowed really well.
Typo near the start but very chance she had to prove herself she failed. should be every chance. I liked the opening section, setting the scene through the losses as to why a change in character is needed.
Section two, another typo the Yakuza as denied any involvement in these incidents. should be has. I liked section two as too often there's something huge and outlandish in WZCW and it's brushed aside. Seeing Banks remain intact and firm against the journalist was a nice touch. Worked quite well.
Section three, Wembley not Wembly but that's forgiven seeing as it's a UK stadium.
I liked this bit, it brought a lot of loose ends together yet cemented the character change. I especially liked the natural flow with Banks and the what Kagura can bring to the table speech. Impassioned.
The end section reminded us what this is about.
I very much enjoyed reading this RP, it didn't seem a chore to read and I was wanting more and more.
I've said Abel's is the best RP of the round, but this is second. Great work, as ever.
How was this longer than Ech's RP? Again another long RP didn't didn't feel a chore to read although it was a bit repetitive (that was the point really). That, however, is me scraping the barrel for bad things about the RP.
I loved it from start to finish, I laughed a lot and the surrealness worked so well. I particularly liked the hypnosis trick for the sleeper hold. He should use that as a real move.
The cop bit was like something out of family guy. The over the topness of being nice and "resisting arrest!" was genius.
The meta fourth wall breaking of Steven was at a perfect point, I laughed a lot.
Leon's interview was genius particularly with Noah mentioning the list of old WZCW stars who have long gone.
Stacey books it down the hall...should this not be boots it? Also quite an homage to Showtime RP's of old and the hatred between he and Stacey.
In Klamor's interview he says "one pinball" obviously this isn't right. Telling Klamor to go on vacation was brilliant though.
I loved this RP, I laughed a lot and it was a good way of being funny without being crass. Top notch and 3rd in the LL RP thread for me.
Ramparte
The flow is very good in this RP. Its nice and punchy. Youre descriptive without dwelling on unnecessarys and you make a without beating it to death more often than not (the whack thing was a clever double entendre but repetitive). The conflicted nature obviously shines through and that plays really nicely to both the Lottery and the tag match, encompassing the potential for betrayal in either setting as well as the possibility of an untimely implosion.
Recorded RPs work well in certain segments, Im not overly convinced this needed it, but it did its job in two ways it makes your RP stand out and your performance did capture the manic nature of Rampartes mind frame at present, especially when you interrupted yourself to scream at the butler, thats the sort of detail I really appreciate.
Certain things, and these were details rather than parts of the larger story, did bug me. Whack was one of them as mentioned previously, this line was another:
Is Rampartes such a literature buff, and this is such an established element to his character, show it, dont just throw it out there as a way to break up the dialogue and scenery. It should mean something, be relevant etc As it stands its just a bit of fluff really. Now you did do this later, but it was far away from the earlier line. That just made it stand out more demonstrate the consistency of this character trait by using it earlier before using it to illustrate your characters attributes.
Flex Mussel
You did fantastic to interweave a whole variety of stories in this and it was extremely brave to try and juggle this many subjects in this one RP as you did. The set-up was short and sweet and the execution was strong. You captured both Mussel and Rampartes characters well for the most part (bar a complaint below) and also helped explain and explore Cerberus as a trio, not just a duo. The whole talk about Eve and Mussels relationship really did add another dimension and cleared up bits and pieces which I really appreciated.
Some of the transitions were a little uneven and it was difficult to really get into a consistent rhythm when we went from smooth talking sophistication to in your face aggression and thats what truly holds this one RP back for me. I think the Ramparte parts were also written well though he was a little too off kilter and from one end of the spectrum, to the other to strike a believable, conflicted, in turmoil balance. It felt a tad false.
Strong showing here from both of you and the theme of dissention and potentially imploding for the sake of bigger glories worked nicely. I think you both have a real shot at cracking that upper echelon of the Lottery, as well as retaining your gold, though I would say Rampartes a tad more likely to go far, at least for my money.
There are bits of good humour and entertainment and the wacky adventures are very reminiscent of classic Saxoteur and thats appreciated, but they also did it on a consistent, top of the class basis. This isnt the best work, though it is entertaining and fun. What Im trying to convey here is that I like this RP, but it doesnt feel either memorable or overly strong in terms of the match. There are nuggets of great stuff here but thats about it.
The story, where this climaxed, could become important in time to the Mickey mythos and thats something Im looking forward to.
Matt Tastic
You achieved a really good balance between the humour, the two matches and the overall story you were trying to convey here and that sticks with me much more than some of the other RPs Ive had an opportunity to read. You also did something very commendable and that was explain everything without having to stray into too much exposition (there is some, but its passable and somewhat inevitable) we know why the tag match is important, why the Lottery means so much to Tastic, what his relationship with Mickey is like and why they hold a grudge against Cerberus etc
There is a good degree of repetition in terms of negatives. We didnt really need the word dammit that many times and it became grating after awhile. The other major flaw for me is that the two RPs, while obviously linked, didnt really flow into one another you spent more time establishing and talking about the team than Mickey did on his own character. Perhaps this is a sign that you are at different points in your WZCW careers, but it made reading them back to back jarring.
I think youll have a good run in the Lottery, maybe even the final four, but Im not sure if the glory is yours this time round my Puerto Rican friend.
Constantine
You created a really serene and scenic set-up with the family/suburban father angle. It made the later details all the more juicy, showing just how much experience and how much quality you have as an RPer. This is the stuff that creates the tension, atmosphere and feeling we find ourselves with throughout. Its good writing plain and simple. When you revealed that the earlier scenes were in the past (I remember Mia from the earlier Constantine RPs BTW, how far weve come!) it was properly gut-wrenching.
I wasnt too fond of going to that well again later, but I understood the need for it from a narrative stand point as you wanted to illustrate how tapping into those memories of the past and of happiness could help, both in the RP and in the story with Theron. You also created a good dynamic between Constantine and Dagger in spite of a real lack of build to this match in my eyes.
There was perhaps a missed opportunity given your billing as future world champion long before you were finally able to achieve it, potentially being labelled as a choker, like you address Theron as potentially being.
Perhaps this is ignorance on my part but who is Bill exactly? I dont know if its meant to be a mystery, a hallucinatory character or what have you, but it was a recurring question that underlined these parts and did prevent me from engaging fully with the scenario, though again the set-up is good enough to create a tangible feeling.
Very good effort here.
Theron Daggershield
This is an odd one to do because I know much has been made of Daggers ability to think outside the box and create a whole independent world unto itself which can be damaging in that its easy to get lost but can be totally and utterly compelling if you can find yourself immersed in it. I lean towards the latter which really pleases me.
Therons character is on full display here, he talks just that little bit differently, as if he has one foot in the real world, and that helps make him immensely likable, as the other characters are hard to appreciate as theyre, ironically pawns to further the fantasy aspect. The use of game-world names and mechanics to illustrate the goings on in WZCW was really well done and I wasnt lost in the slightest but rather enjoyed the way they were used. I also liked how Theron puts the blame and responsibility for Constantines first win on his shoulders.
This felt like you really wanted the win and thats oddly perhaps the biggest flaw. The story is good, but it doesnt pack the emotional weight of Constantines effort and it really, while being a lot of fun and a great big piece of enjoyment doesnt have the umph that is needed to tip the scales. Instead what we have is I will be Global Champion because I am a hero, just said a few dozen times and thats fine and dandy, but outside of that responsibility for the first reign of Constantine, this feels a tad lightweight.
I think itll be a good fight, but Constantine walks out with the Heavyweight title for me.
A nice reintroduction of your character. I like the bit of history that the RP provides to those who have no idea who Wilhelm Wunderbar is, and I like the idea that you were going with. The biggest problem I'm having is that it's too bare bones. We alternate mostly between two wrestlers, later adding Holmes, with fairly vague descriptions. I would've liked to have seen more detail added to it. I also think you should've mixed in present scenes of Wunderbar training, as you did in the beginning. Something to break up the past and the narrator. What the narrator was saying could've been tied into Wunderbar's past and present. Finally, perhaps a chilling line from Wunderbar himself as the German flag is shown could've been icing on the cake.
Wilhelm Wunderbar RP 2
First, having been on creative before, I can tell you that shots at them will win you no favours or friends. "Firstly I must earn good will suck the corporate shaft a little. Mr Banks wishes for me to produce 10 promos for WZCW.com." This is not needed at all in the RP. Adds nothing to it, and shows a bit of bitterness you have about your situation. Now onto the RP, which had it's moments. The dialogue of Wunderbar flowed nicely. You have a good sense of this character's voice, what he says and how he says it makes sense. He is believable. I'm not sure what the connection is to 'The Circus', but with the words spoken, a graveyard funeral would've been a better setting. Imagine Wilhelm's voice being played over an open grave funeral. As everyone walks away and Wilhelm is about to begin his final "Ashes to ashes" line, he sits up out of the grave, Mayhem Title in hand and climbs out, towering over the biggest tombstones. Chilling would be the best way to describe that and that is exactly what you want your character to come off as. Again, the biggest problem I'm seeing here is there is just not enough meat on it. Description is light. The dialogue focuses us in on what Wilhelm has returned to do, but we don't learn anything new about the character. Find something new to discuss each RP, something that adds to your character.
PRO - I this is a very strong RP. If I knew nothing about Ramparte, this would be a great introduction, and with Cerberus on thin ice, and all three possibly heading in new directions, it was needed. Using text messages is a nice touch, since I haven't seen that done before, at least in my time as an active member. Everyone knows there's a number of paths this match could follow for both Eve and Ramparte, and you left them all open.
CON - Ramparte (as well as the other members of Cerberus) may suffer from there being too many possible angles. With there being three different possible tag combinations, on top of three potential singles careers, there's only so much time any one member can devote to each in an RP. With there still being a few weeks until Kingdom Come, this is only a minor "CON" for now.
Vee A.D.Z. -
PRO - You tell a very good story. The build up to Kingdom Come is very important, and with a win putting you in the discussion for a title shot, it's smart to include some information we may not know. This is certainly not the time to let your guy go stale. I'm also a fan of directly mentioning the upcoming match, and you definitely planted the seeds for a potential feud.
CON - Editing! For instance, in the first paragraph, there's this line: "Sara, his love of life, who had been there with him cuddled him so close to him behind his back." It's a little jumbled and repetitive, and it seems you either added in unnecessary words, or left out some important ones. You posted your RP early. You could have held onto it for a day or two, and come back to it and caught these errors. There's also a large number of people in the fed that I'm sure wouldn't mind taking a look at your draft and offering advice. I sense English isn't your first language, so it might help to seek out a second opinion, and ask for an extension if they're available and you need the time to flesh some things out.
The random changing in font size is off-setting as well. I see that you used it to distinct Vee's dialogue from his dad's, but you could have chosen different colors for the same effect. You did it again when Vee says he chose wrestling. It's unnecessary.
This isn't a pro or con, but whenever you're facing someone who is or was recently a champion, you need to make sure to go a step above what you think you can put out as your best. Look over the last few RPs your opponent has done, look over the character profile, and write your RP. Then re-read until you're sick of it, and fine tune in as many places as you can until you think it's at least better than their second best, so they have to be on their A game to beat you.
PRO - While you went a little too far down the "woe is me" path, I think you did a good job acknowledging your last match and recent history, and identified how you want to change that path going forward. This RP was very easy to follow, and gave enough insight that anyone can read it without knowing much about Cassanova beforehand.
CON - This is more a pet peeve than a "CON", but it helps a lot if you identify who is talking, at least the first time someone says anything. It took me a second and third read to organize the dialogue between yourself and Mikey Stormrage. I'm not sure if you got permission to use Mikey, but that section seems out of character, from what I've read of him in the past. It may just be me, but this RP reads like a face promo, all the way until that last dialogue, and then you close it with "Thank you". Consider this constructive criticism, but I think you need to take a second look at your character, and decide which alignment you want to stick with, and make some tweaks. It wouldn't take much to go either way, but it needs to be done.
Logan McAllister -
PRO - You have a good grasp on your characters, and use them well together. You stop your RP from becoming monotonous by breaking up the flow really well with simple accents (Logan's Home, SMACK, etc). Having seen the Armando character for a while, I think you wrote the interaction between the two really well. This was a good introduction to the tag team as well.
CON - I said the same thing to Vee in his feedback, but sometimes it pays to take an extra day to erase the RP from your mind and then re-read it with fresh eyes. Example: Logan had long harbored a crush on her for awhile now << It's repetitive, and could be easily fixed with a second or third look through.
*Just a note: I don't know if you're torn on having Logan as a face or a heel, or if you're just doing a really good job of having him be a "face" in his daily life, and a "heel" on camera, but that may the route you want to take, if it wasn't already.
Armando Paradyse -
PRO - Dropping the secret agent gimmick may have been the best thing you could do. It just didn't seem to come off right, and Saboteur did it better already. This was stronger than your recent RPs, which shows that jumping into the tag division is a smart move.
CON - Brittany's first answer during the Stacey segment doesn't really do your team any favors. It sets you guys up to grow in the future, but saying one of your guys is "socially ******ed" and the other is "hard to deal with", while going up against 2 members of Cerberus is definitely a negative. You saved it with Logan and Armando's answers, but that's not a hit you want to take in your first match as a team.
PRO - This was a good introduction to the character for me. You addressed the Lethal Lottery well, and covered the reason you lost, which is more important than just acknowledging the fact you lost.
CON - I feel like this RP is more of a set up for the future, which isn't usually a problem, but you completely missed the current match. Gino is a newcomer, so it would have been nice to see some of Kendrick's prep for a new opponent. You seemed very focused on Kingdom Come, but you don't have a potential match (yet). These are usually minor things, but they add up heading into a huge show, where every loss hurts.
Theron Daggershield -
PRO - Being the first RP I've read of yours beginning to end, this was a fun read. It helped to go back and forth with the Legend, but was also a bit of a pain. I know this will change the more I read of yours, but for now it is what it is. This is also my first full intro to the character, and I can definitely see why you are the champ. Your storytelling it great, and you have a connection to the character that goes above and beyond pretty much everyone here, since you've created an entirely different realm and language (from what everyone else uses; I know this is all based off outside resources)
CON - For the first time this round, I'm not sure I see any. You probably could have covered your title win a bit more, but it's not like you left out that you're champion.
Titus -
PRO - I really like Titus as a heel. The comedy is great, the attitude works, and I think it is keeping him fresh, even after being away for a while. Showcasing his history is always smart, since it is why he's great to begin with.
CON - While this is a solid RP, I'm not sure how it works to beat a current champion. Of course, you did beat Zeus, so I may be entirely clueless.
Gino Galucci -
PRO - This was very good for everyone's first chance at seeing what Gino is about. I like the character, and am interested in seeing where you take him. The beginning of the RP was also very Rocky-esque, which I am always a fan of. You addressed your performance at the Lottery, and covered your upcoming match rather well.
CON - This RP serves as an introduction to the character, and a set up for a story, but without one currently going on it doesn't stand on it's own as a "great" RP. That's to no fault of your own, but this would probably be stronger if there were a series of RPs before it, if that makes sense.
I'll do feedback for you guys as a team as I'm picturing both your RPs as one scenario if that makes sense even if they occur at different times. Let's get to it.
When reading these two RPs, they were very opposite in the content. Logan's had more dialogue and less description and Armando's had more description but less dialogue. I guess it's sort of a balance between the two but I'd like to see the right balance in both your RPs instead of getting them in doses from two separate RPs. To me, it seems kind of lazy in Logan's RP where he has headings like "Back at Logan's" or "Day of Meeting, Dunkin Donuts." Need better transitions here if you're going to do something like that. Or you could write it out in full as I like reading description more. It really sets the scene and helps me figure out what's going on in the RP.
Like I said, transitions in both RPs are a little weak. Logan just straight up insulted Brittany and she seemingly forgot it a second later. To me, that seems a bit awkward and you can maybe stretch that out a little more or tone down on the insults. I don't think anyone would take that insult standing down. It seems like Brittany is a robot and reacts the way you want her to react instead of her going through the motions of what should go on.
It's your first RP as a team so you'll struggle at first, every tag team does this. But there just wasn't enough consistency here. Logan wasn't really written well in Armando's RP but Armando was actually written pretty well in Logan's RP. Just the speech in all flowed better in Logan's RP. Writing an accent is definitely hard to write but props to you guys for trying. Keep at it and I'm sure you guys will get it eventually as well as writing your partner's character better.
One last thing, the format. I know Logan has been given a ton of feedback on his format but I'm saying the same thing for Armando. Dialogue along with description in the same wall of text is fine sometimes but not like this. I would separate the two. And I know that there isn't much separation to do since it's one line of dialogue then one line of description. But like I said, there are so many ways to stretch out dialogue not only to set the scenery but to inform the reader of the actions your character is doing as well.
Okay one more last thing. It looks like Brittany had a lot of dialogue here. I think she spoke more than Armando in Armando's RP. That's fine but Brittany is a new character so you want to balance that out. Let Armando speak for himself. Let Logan speak for himself. I know she's now MoM's new manager but I think it'd be better if you guys had her work the "behind the scenes" stuff instead of the on-camera stuff if that makes sense.
Overall though, not a bad effort here. the content in the RPs were good. It's just a matter of putting everything together and getting a consistent grasp on your partner's character. Clean up your RPs format-wise, add more description, and always read over your work a million times before posting and you guys will do well in the tag division.
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