RP Feedback Thread

[Beastmode 24]

Ramparte

Somebody's in loveeeeeee with a model.

I really haven't kept up with a lot of characters since I left about 4 months ago, which if I remember correctly was right around when Cerebrus was really hitting its stride. To say that Ramparte as a character has evolved is an understatement, and I like where it's going. The story you told here is simple. You (Ramparte) are afraid that you're gonna be left behind by your best friend (or is he?) and the woman you love. Whether this is all real, or just a ploy to make HMP and Theron believe you're weak before striking is still TBD, but it's going to be pretty damn fun to read/watch.

As far as grammar issues, I see none, and I like the formatting. Really solid work.

 

[ABMorales787]

I ate a shitload of steak today and drank a shitload of soda. So I'm kinda hyper at 2 am. I see guys asking for feedback and I kinda have to read these things. So here ya go.

Ramparte/Spider:

Sir, that was very good work. Keep it up. Loved the font style. Great developing for Ramparte. You can see him as a singles character and he's really evolving into his own. His style has become distinct from Flex. Yes, they were always noticeably different, but you can now see signatures beginning to become prominent in the Ramparte RP's. The font stylings, the narrative and Ramparte's mannerisms are taking a more solid form.

Shotaro/James Howard:

Hate to be harsh, but you've got a lot of rust to shake off. I felt the RP mimicked the same things Triple X and Blade did when they turned heel and bitter. They both did end up finding their own defining heel traits though and hopefully you can too. But this came off quite simplistic.

Derek Jacobs:

If I told you this was generic, would you get mad? I feel the only thing you had going was pretty much giving a history lesson we're all mostly aware of. Yeah, a recap is not bad once in a while. But aside from that, what else is there here? Jacobs saying he's gonna beat Howard up? Look at the Ramparte RP. There's characteristics that make him stand out. There's a distinctive art style. There's a narrative that pushes his upcoming match while also developing the character. If you wanna be a mercenary that just cares about money, that's fine. But you can stretch that out.

Eternal Question/Haiku:

I hate long narratives. I know some love to do it, but here's the thing. We're reading. It doesn't sound good that we need to go through a full paragraph to picture a scene for small bits of dialog. You can see that in my RP and the ridiculous amount of dialog. Now, bare in mind, that is just me and how I do it. The initial piece in QUOTE's was interesting as it was a pretty good metaphor for the 3 way. But I felt it took too long to make that point come across. And part of that was that long narrative. I feel having the characters talk a little bit of exposition would add more to the overall read. But in the end, this was a piece that got it's point across well enough.

RoXen/Charlie:

I don't think a college professor would speak formally and also use "guy" to address a student at the same time. Then again, my college was the size of a bank, so what the fuck do I know? Oh, and Jesus, the yellow text. Don't use bright colors. The background of the webpage doesn't help it.

To be honest, this isn't really shit. Just all over. It's kinda going all over the place. A direction for the character would really help because I didn't quite get the point of the Quote piece. Also, there's a lot of broken English, but I'm not gonna fault you for it. I understand it's not your first language, correct? But yeah, it's not as shit as you'd say. It's workable.

 

[Shotaro]

Seeing as you promised without delivering I figured I would deliver without promising.

The Eternal Question

The style of his verse is stilted, I mean this in a good way, TEQ has a unique rhythm to his speech that comes across expertly in his dialogue. However though the dialogue is excellent I do feel like the description was just enough. You don't need paragraphs and paragraphs of it. But IMO you do need more than you have even if just a sentence or two.

Your use of Leon was excellent, bringing a nuance to him that few other writers do.

I know you've already won the match and all but you definitely deserved it. A solid RP.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

The Eternal Question

Never met a character quite like yours, bro. A pickup artist is an intriguing concept to say the least. The reader was treated to more backstory and his thoughts on Alhazred/Irwin, and you brought a good argument on why Question could beat the two. I enjoy his poetic talk- something of a theme from what I've read in your last RPs. Dr. Zeus was a monster with it, but similarities between Zeus and Question stop there. As an RPer I truly dig how you've made a theme play out for two distinctly different guys that you've ran with.

My only criticism is I wish the narrative would be trimmed up a little. Like others have already said, some reading can find it to be a little long, particularly in the backstory. But with what you were working with I think it's a minor thing. Love the character.


Derek Jakobs

You want that brass ring???! I SAID DO YA WANT IT!?? Then keep up DJ's pissed off attitude and keep writing like this is DJ's last opportunity to prove himself as a capable star. Not knowing much about your character going in, I did like the "tv spots" where he flips through channels to recorded matches he was in and how he came up short time and time again. May be old hat here, I don't know, but to me it was refreshing. I like the angle.

As for criticisms, of course I'd like more backstory on DJ and why he deserves to be a feared man. You have plenty to work with being a lone survivor of the TSA angle and some insight on what makes him want that W. Keep bringing in the emotion and you'd have a strong case.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Gonna hit up 2 guys I feel deserve some Feedback from last round.

Dr. Zeus

I flubbed up. I was deleting messages and thus your surprise RP was lost to me. So I moseyed over to the RR Thread. I am SO glad to see Zeus back. He has been an inspiration to my character personally, and I hope one day we will encounter one another in the battlefield. So really this is just a thank you for bringing back a beloved character. Even though I liked TEQ and thought he was one hell of an original wrestler, I have a soft spot for the Good Doctor.

You haven't lost your touch with him. Hope to see it continue.

Vee A.D.Z.

I know it can get to ya when you don't win. But my best advice on that kind of thing is this- don't count wins and losses. It will make you feel so much better about writing and competing against guys here. And honestly, W/L Records do not matter here. You can go an entire cycle losing and then the next you're given a title shot. Cerberus would not look imposing at all if I went down and checked how many losses we've had- especially against little thrown together teams (there was even a running gag at one point where Cerbs' weakness was against random pairings). It's not that Creative has lost all hope for you when you lose. Vee is a cool cat, though I admit his MMA stylings has been done a bit here. I'd suggest tossing in little quirks in your character to make him stand out. There was a character called Jonathan Hyada who was an MMA guy as well, but he was also completely obsessed with fighting games. It makes for good reading when a guy like Vee is doing something odd like that.

This goes for the guy behind Logan McAllister too. In fact, it might have been that guy that PM'd me asking for advice. I really am sorry I deleted all my messages and don't know who is who, but my advice still applies here. Wins and losses don't really matter, make your character simple but unique, and you are on your way to some success, promise.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Cassanova

So I tend to forget who I owe feedback to unless I am reminded, so in the future if I promise to give you some and I don't get it right away, remind me. I won't be pissed.

Now first things first, I want to say that your RP was hard on the eyes. The coloring was okay, but making the font size bigger was a bad call. It felt like you were trying to make your RP look longer than it really was.

I think when used sporadically, the flashbacks to the previous match are nice little touches.

I wasn't a fan of you calling Prince a jobber, even though you are a heel. You can talk down former and current opponents as a heel, but you don't want to take it too far. Mick Foley once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that you want to build up your opponents in promos as a legit threat. That way if you win, you beat a tough opponent and if you lose you lose to a tough opponent. When you do nothing but degrade your opponent and treat them like a nobody and win, you only beat a jobber, and when you lose, well you lost to a nobody.

The interview part was okay. I liked you using Stacy as she is rarely used, but the way you heeled it up around her, Leon probably would have been a better choice.

There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing I would hold against you.

All in all this was an okay RP, nothing special but it wasn't bad outside of the font decisions.

 

[Con T.]

Echelon

• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again

Now that we got that out of the way; I always read Kagura's RPs (sorry for the inherent racism here) as an episode of an anime series. Descriptive dialogue, sometimes superflously so (though, to be fair, that's your style, and I wouldn't want it changed, in particular). A meshing of the old world (spiritual, supernatural) with the newer, perhaps more corrupt world (the involvement of the Yakuza). All of these elements flow well in your RP this week. I love the connection of Derrick and Kagura. I even find the conversation between Cohen and Sasuke endearing.

But it is very long. I mean, I think you could even attest to the length in your RPs. And while, normally, length isn't an issue, it does become with...well...

• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again
• I will never forgo formatting ever again

I mean, don't get me wrong, this scares me, for whatever you had planned for your LL RP. But I feel some of this RP may have been better served stretching it out to next week.

Ultimately, I would probably give you a vote (and I'll explain why, when I get to Cassanova's RP, in the next post), and it was surely a good showing. But I would caution to never, ever forgo formatting ever again. Shorter RPs can get away with a lack of formatting. You can get away with long RPs.

You can get away with long RPs with a lack of formatting. But I would advise against it.

 

[Con T.]

Cassanova

So, Yaz is right about referring to other wrestlers as jobbers. I also am not usually a fan of insider terms used in promos... It's cringeworthy, and it hearkens me to the days of Vince Russo writing Buff Bagwell to ask if he did the job well.

That said, the biggest strength in your RP was, actually, how you put over Kagura. You build her up as a threat, but not someone you can't defeat. Based on the actual dialogue, it would appear as though this were a pretty even match, not Heath Slater vs. John Cena.

Now then, let's talk about formatting

I'm not sure the format you use, which font, and which size, but it comes off way too large. See, here's my rule of thumb on changing font size or style...

If you want to indicate whispering, you can make your font smaller by clicking "sizes" ang going to "size 3"

"If your character is shouting, you can expand the font size by going under "sizes" and clicking on "size 7"

But you don't want to do it, for every word in your RP. It becomes distracting. See? Am I wrong, or does this distract you, how different the font is when you're using this for every word. I can say anything, and it will lose the impact you want it to. Tittysprinkles. You may not have even noticed that, because of the fonting. And when you don't notice the actual words because of the font tittysprinkles, well, that leaves your reader feeling like a bad, sad, reader.

So, please, just stick to the regular font, unless you want to emphasize something in particular. Someone who actually mixed around with fonting well (although the rest of his formatting... Well, I always kind of hated) was Vega. Showtime does it from time to time, I think. Pancake did it with Ricky Runn, too.

You can do it, just be choosy in how you change your font.

Also, don't forget if you are including a flashback from a past show, to include the correct colors for the commentator. Connor is in purple, Cohen in red, that sort of thing.

It was a pretty straightforward promo, but don't forget to give yourself some sort of arc, something for your character to do, that takes us away from the arena. Have Cassanova go on a date. Maybe go see the penguins at the zoo. That sorta thing. It felt a little one note, so I'd probably vote for Kagura. But I can see signs of improvement.

 

[Con T.]

Shotaro

So....let's talk Strikeforce, shall we?

So, thought it would be pretty cool to have Strikeforce team up, huh? Didn't think Ol' Haiku was gonna be a dick about this, was I? Oh, I'm gonna be a dick, alright... A massive, throbbing, massive erection.

Every time we’ve faced off I’ve beaten you either mentally or emotionally

Say, yeah, that's right! Hey, when was the last time I saw you guys in the ring together? Allow us all to go back (God, is this really the second time I've referenced this PPV today) Unscripted 2014...

James drops the mic and walks over to Mikey, who can't even move. James untangles Mikey from the ropes. Stormrage falls once released, but is helped up by Howard.

Once both men are on their feet, Howard extends his hand to Stormrage. Stormrage grabs his hand and then quickly pulls him in.

Copeland: Son of a bitch I knew it was too good to be true!

With Howard wrapped in his arms, Stormrage simply hugs him. The two embrace before Stormrage pulls away and removes his mask. He tosses it to the ground and raises the hand of Howard, to a thunderous applause. Howard gives Stormrage another hug before he rolls out of the ring and walks up the ramp.

Stormrage: I love you brother!

Howard: Thunder Buddies for life!

Howard yells back to his friend before taking one last moment to soak in the applause, before he walks through the curtain for the last time.

I'll just let you click on this, because I want to.

So, I probably missed something, and I know that Howard is the heel here... But where's the cause for the hatred again? Like, you guys had the hug and everything, the last time you two were in the ring in a match. I mean, sure, you did get right pissed at Derek Jacobs for breaking your neck... But I don't get it here? The first time we had Strikeforce reteam (back on MD 100, against LMD), I understood the tension. And don't get me wrong, I love the development between Dinah and Howard, because, yeah, that relationship is messy as all get out. But it feels like there is a conflict here, because there needed to be a conflict between Stormrage and Howard. I may be missing something here, but I have to pull the continuity alarm on this, just a little bit.

This wouldn't be such a huge issue, were it not for the fact that it seems a crux of the RP (and Mikey's consequential followup) that James hates Mikey. Why? Yes, yes, barnacle on Howard (which is actually a great line). Mikey is an emotional wreck and clings to people when they need him, sure. But it seems you guys had your blowoff and makeup. It doesn't get any more resolved than what you guys get at Unscripted.

Put it this way... When Steve Austin joined Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania X7, I wouldn't expect for Steve and Vince to be at each other's throats without a good reason, like a year ago. I'd need some reason for them to pick up their beef, and it would need to be pretty reasonable, if it was enough for them to get over their hatred for one another by X7.

So yeah, good RP, good vitriol and anger... Just pointed at the wrong bloke (who, to be fair, turns himself into the right bloke by the end of his RP, when he and Dinah... Kiss, awkwardly, and I get the feeling we're going to get Stormrage/Howard again, even though you guys had a great blowoff the first time?)

 

[Dagger Dias]

Prince Vee

As I had stated over in my thread when K Web asked about his own RP, you guys both had good ones this round. Your focus on "ALMOST" as a focal point throughout the RP and why you HAD to win to show that you want to get beyond that point of "ALMOST" was well done, and why I believe you got the win. You addressed the match, and also put over your opponent. This is important in any RP no matter who you face. Logan did this also so this one was really close for me. Have a similar focal point in the future. What does the RP revolve around, why does Vee think he will win this match and how does it relate to your opponent? The flashback was good too. Flashbacks are excellent tools when they relate to the match somehow. I could tell when reading this that Vee wanted to prove to his father and his child self that he will keep going.

Ok, let's discuss ways you can improve. Formatting is a big deal. Take this with a grain of salt as I am not on creative, but for me personally I prefer the movie script style of appearance better. The style you wrote this in makes it difficult to know who is talking sometimes. There was also too much boldfacing of names in the descriptive text. When someone is addressed as having first appeared on the scene in the descriptive text, don't just boldface their name. Boldface it but also change it to the color they speak in. Then after this appearance has been done, you don't need to boldface them in the descriptive text anymore. Think of this as announcing their appearance. WWE wouldn't pull up Roman Reigns' name in an onscreen box every time his name is mentioned by announcers, just for his initial entrance or following a win. Think of boldfacing a name in descriptive text as something like that. You are showing that this character is now present. Hope that makes sense.

Secondly, write the spoken parts like it was a script for a movie/cartoon/play/etc. Here is an example of how I would have switched up the formatting, for a portion at the bar scene.


====

Scene shifts to the bar. With the usual chit chat, they order beer; it got served in British Dimpled glass pint mug. Vee and Jordan both start to sip it down. It was Jordan who let the alcohol influenced words to spill out.

Jordan: Man what kinda place you work in? It’s terrible.. you see, it’s just terrible

He caresses his cheek and nods.

Vee: What do you mean by Terrible? I love my work but I don’t get you mate

Jordan: It’s not about the place what I’m talking about. It’s about the people you work around with. A Maniac, Short term memory loss patient, Slaughter? Seriously? And some guy who doesn’t even know who he is.... Do I need to rationale more about Terrible place you’re working in?

Jordan frowns and looks down at the beer mug without looking at Vee, who nudges the dimples in his mug with his thumb. He isn’t looking at Jordan either just as how Jordan isn’t.

Vee: I knew the place will be full of hypocrites, well apparently which place in the world isn’t flooded with hypocrites. But I never thought I had to work along with Psychopaths and Sociopaths.

====

This looks a little more organized and thus is easier on the reader. Again, grain of salt. That's something I look for in RP's as far as appearance, however addressing your opponent and why you should win your match is always the first priority.

Keep it up bro!

 

[Bernkastel]

Cassanova

This was an improvement from your last RP. It seems that you’re starting to catch on to the way WZCW operates. Since we’re only given one RP to work with, with a finite amount of space, it takes some finesse and practice to churn out those impactful RP’s.

What I liked most about the RP: You delved a bit into Cassanova’s past, but I would have liked to have seen a little more. And don’t be afraid to sprinkle in a little bit of philosophy into your RP’s. What I like reading most is seeing how a character ticks on the inside.

What I liked least about the RP: The font size was a bit too large. I experimented with that in the past, and found that, for me, a size 3 or 4 works the best. As Haiku was saying, don’t be afraid to try out different fonts for different emotional ranges. But try to be consistent otherwise.

If you don’t want to develop a character arc like I have with Kagura, then try exploring the mind of Cassanova, and see how he adapts to the WZCW environment.


Haiku Hogan

I’m glad to see Dr. Zeus make return. Not that I didn’t like Eternal Question, but it’s my own personal bias, I’ll admit. Good descriptive narration. And your transitions were solid. Zeus comes across not as a religious nut, but as a guy trying to make sense of his own existence. And religious philosophy is a great way to do that. He seems like the type of man that is missing “the point.” What that “point” actually is, I’m not sure, but I’m hoping to see where this evolves.

What I liked most about the RP: The descriptions and the dialogue. You obviously have a vision of how you want the readers to perceive Zeus, but I’m not sure if the religious mantra packaging is a red herring for something else. I guess I’ll leave that up to you in the future. But tying in Zeus’s philosophy with the way he, as a character, perceives Titus to be was a nice touch. It’s all psychological. And if you read Lee’s RP, he compliments you by flat out stating that “Zeus is the most evil person in WZCW history.”

What I disliked most about the RP: I’m sure this paints me as a total noob, but has Zeus always switched back and forth between rhythmic dialogue and regular dialogue? I thought he would have spoken in nothing but rhymes, so I figured there must have been a specific reason for him not too. But I’m probably reading too far into it. The only other minor thing I could point out is to make sure that your breaks all look consistent. I’m sure some others don’t care, but I get distracted easily. So seeing one break with many more spaces than normal threw me off. You had me searching for hidden white text that wasn’t there Haha.

Good solid RP this round. Upon reading Lee’s RP and knowing the outcome of the match, you really made him work for his victory.


Shotaro

Since you, Yaz, and Killjoy collaborated on this, I’ve decided to review all 3 RP’s. Your part does well to set the stage. With great narration and smooth dialogue. Transitions are well done. Pretty much on par with what I’ve come to expect from your writing.

What I liked most about the RP: The way you capture the mood is outstanding. We see just how James’s anger is starting to affect those around him, even those who were once friends of his. Great character development, and it really pushes the animosity we’ll see between James and Live Mas on the show.

What I liked least about the RP: Even though the dialogue is smooth it’s too clustered together in some places. There should be some separation between the first sentence of dialogue, the narration, and the second sentence of dialogue. It just makes the whole piece flow much smoother when read.

It was a great introduction piece for the collaboration.


Yaz

Picking up right where Shotaro left off. Not really much need for an in depth introduction, but something would have been nice. Maybe a description of Mikey’s reaction to James blowing up in his face; that would have set the mood for the change in scene. I liked the content as well; you captured Mikey’s place within James’s world quite nicely. I can’t think of any scene better to describe this relationship than the awkward scene of having your current partner walk in on your former partner’s drunk, neglected, emotionally abused wife on top of you.

What I liked most about the RP: You kept the level of dialogue from Shotaro’s RP consistent; and kept the same style as well. The “…” style instead of switching over to the Mikey: “…” style. Which makes your half of the RP much easier to read.

What I liked least about the RP: Aside from spelling and grammatical errors here and there, which were minor, I would have liked to have seen more solid transitions with the narration in the beginning and end of the RP. Just ending the RP on dialogue alone just doesn’t feel like enough closure.

Solid RP. I really enjoyed the character development with this one. You’re great with your comedy, but you’re just as talented when trying to capture something serious as well.


Killjoy

The ending to this 3 part collaboration. The dialogue was great and the quality remained consistent with Shotaro’s and Yaz’s RP’s. I did feel the RP was lacking in descriptive narration. Long stretches of dialogue just don’t seem to be enough to capture a scene where the characters cycle through different emotional levels.

What I liked most about the RP: The addition of humor was a great way to transition out of the tension experienced in Shotaro’s and Yaz’s RP. It shows off the lighter side of Live Mas, but reminds us that in times like this, going into the Lethal Lottery, they’re as serious as any other team.

What I liked least about the RP: The dialogue is jumbled together in some places, and needs to be separated. Also some additional narration wouldn’t hurt. It would do more to capture the emotion of the scene than what dialogue would alone.

Pretty good RP. It highlights how well Live Mas operates as a unit, while adapting to situations where they have to put aside their differences to work with others that they don’t get along with. Matt even acknowledges that Mikey’s past with James is not something that can be ignored, and shouldn’t, because it ultimately affects what they accomplish as a team.

 

[John McCass]

Sorry for the delay. I'm a student thus, mondays are a bit tougher for me. As of this writing, it is 5o'clock morning Tuesday IST.

Haiku/Dr. Zeus

A big thumbs up. You wrote a rock solid RP. If I had to vote, I would've voted you over Lee, no disrespect to Lee's RP either. It's because, I like bizzare RPs more. The only thing I felt awkward was the inclusion of characters that I never knew. But, it's nothing of your concern, I need to go back and read some of your older RPs. Keep the good work going. You're one of the (if not the) best RPers around the fed. I found nothing erred.

Echelon/Kagura Ohzora

So, I won't lie. I used to skip your RPs. Because, those seemed to be longer and I'm impatient. That's the apparent reason I addressed you the least in my RP. Yes, I do regret that I missed allot by skipping your RPs. Your grasp on the animes really helps. That said, your RPs should be seen as episodes of an anime.

If you didn't want to color code the RP, you should have written in passive. Dialogues look prettier in colour. One more thing, entitle your RPs. That would completely make your RP an anime show which I would really like to read.


I would review Yaz's RP too when I get the time to. Thank you, Echelon and Haiku.

 

[Con T.]

Logan Mcallister

So, first and foremost, I know that you have mentioned in the past that you've lost a few matches, and I just wanted to make sure you weren't getting discouraged. So, just to give you an idea of what I think is happening here, I'll sum up my start as a rookie.

So, when I started, I started as Dr. Zeus. And my first match was Thrash, but the difficulty ratcheted up...well, a fuckton. The nest week, I got Blade (who was quite good, and returning from a long exile), and at the first PPV, I wrestled against FalKon, as a setup to wrestle Steven Kurtesy, a former world champion. Normally with rookies, there's a bit of a curve; you give the writer some time to sort out the character, and think of an arc that you want to take your character to. When I returned as Eternal Question, I kind of did get that, as most rookies did. I faced fellow rookies, and in contrast to Dr. Zeus, had some time to figure out my character (and time to figure out I hated him)

What does this have to do you with you, you ask? Well, let's look at some of your opponents, thus far;

• Kagura (Echelon, former tag team champion writer. This isn't his first rodeo)
• Johnny Scumm (Thrash's most successful character, he knows what he's doing)
• Mikey Stormrage (Who's the head guy, been around the block, former tag champion, Eurasian champ, you get the drill)

Wasn't Yaz your first match in the fed?

Anyway, if given the choice between the Zeus push and the Eternal Question push, you're getting much more of the former. What I'm sensing (and I don't really have any sort of truth to this statement, just guessing) is that creative sees a lot of talent in you, and a lot of potential in Logan. And for good reason; you have a great character, you have formatting down, you have the art of storytelling. In short, you're a rookie, but you don't come off as a rookie. And thus, you're sort of getting a baptism by fire, because creative wants to see where you can go, and see what your limit is.

So yeah, if it feels like you're taking a lot of losses, it may have to do with that. Honestly, the only thing you can do is let the losses guide your storytelling, which is something I really liked about your RP. You can sense the emotion to it; you're letting the results influence the character, and it helps provide emotion for your RPs. It's really good to see Logan really struggle with this need to provide for his son. It's great, and that feeling of disappointment is something I think we can all relate to.

Sometimes, though, you need to show us, and not tell us. I'm guilty of this, too, so I'll be the first to admit it is not easy. Here's a good example.

Hearing his say he was to bummed out to get autographs struck a chord with Logan. He not only disappointed himself, but obviously, he had disappointed his son as well.

And that fucking hurt.

This line comes really close to just telling us what we should feel, rather than letting us feel the emotion. I think we can all imagine disappointing a loved one really blows. But show us a physical action that Logan does, to really show that to us. Don't just tell us it hurts, show us Logan being wounded. Maybe he's quiet for a bit, looks around a bit flummoxed, maybe just gets into the car with slumped shoulders. Show us, but don't tell us how to feel. If you give us enough description, we'll know to feel sympathy for the character.

Now, onto Logan the actual character... It's someone we can all relate to, but it feels a lot like the Kevin Steen/Owens character. I think creative really wants to add a new spin to the character, to really make it your own. For example, Logan comes from Boston; work some of that into the gimmick. For a while, we had a writer named Theo Mays in the fed, who wrote the Beard. Theo also wrote a really strong character for a PPV called "All Stars", that was based on the "Boston Strong" thing. His name was Robbie Lumbar, and here was his RP for the PPV

http://forums.wrestlezone.com/showthread.php?t=263549&highlight=boston+strong

Do you have to play up the whole Bahstan gimmick? Not to a stereotypical amount, but little touches like that separate you from the Steen/Owens gimmick, and make it your own. Having a character from Boston really does open a lot of potential to write about Boston; use it. Maybe talk about his relationship with his own father. Something to really make this gimmick stand out, and make it your own.

Hope all this helps.

 

[NSL]

VEE A.D.Z.

Pro: I really liked the backstory, and your storytelling. I think the best RPs always tell the reader more about the character than they already knew, and since I haven't read much about the character, it was a welcome intro.

Con: I was going to say you hardly addressed the match, but it seems we all kind of had the same idea (Which is odd, given how big of a match this is).

LOGAN McALLISTER

Pro: Same as Vee, I liked the backstory, and how it worked into where the character is currently. When I was writing Trevor Steele, there was a similar feel there, so it was an easy read.

Con: This may be personal preference, but this felt really long, and having the dialogue mixed in book-style didn't help. Also, there used to be an unwritten rule to keep things PG-13, and that was definitely blown away here. If that is no longer an issue, than ignore that.

DR. ZEUS

Pro: I really dig the dialogue and style of writing you have with Zeus. It makes the RPs, at any length, easy to read, and that always helps. I was concerned you might be going a little "woe is me" with the RP, but you turned it around nicely.

Con: The opening to this dragged a bit. Once I realized where you were going with it, it made much more sense, but some of the fluff could have been trimmed, I think. Note: This is very minor, compared to how good the rest of the RP was.

ABEL HUNNICUTT

Pro: The opening section, with Holmes and Celeste, was very well written, and I enjoyed reading the story. Even better, was the "promo" from Abel. It came off as very real, and that section on its own made this my favorite RP of the group that have already posted.

Con: I don't really see any here. If I were forced to pick one, it would be to choose a different color for Abel's speech, so it stands out against the rest, but that is nit-picking.

TITUS/RED MASK

Pro: Red Mask! Besides that, I have always liked when Titus goes outside his comfort zone. You do it very flawlessly. If this is a full-fledged heel turn, it was perfectly done. Not knowing if it is or not makes it even better.

Con: Again, not seeing any here. There's a reason Titus is in the HoF.

ALHAZRED

Pro: Since the return, I have loved this character. That alone can make any RP easy to read. This was a good story.

Con: This RP went very negative towards the end. Being that negative going into a match, is the same as going into the discussion thread and saying "Well I tried". It kills any chance you had.

elegANT

Pro: This character continues to entertain. It's a very original idea. Also, you're formatting is simple, yet very effective. I like how you can write a short RP that fits everything the rest of us need more space for.

Con: At the risk of sounding repetitive, there's no real negatives here. You know your character, and what you want to do with him, and you nail it every time.

ARMANDO PARADYSE

Pro: Unfortunately, there's not much here. It was certainly a funny RP, but for a huge match like this, it pales in comparison to the competition.

Con: Same as I mentioned to Logan...There used to be a PG-13 guideline. You blew that away, and kept going. I get the Austin Powers vibe you're going for, but this was too "in your face". Subtlety, my friend.

KAGURA OHZORA

Pro: Same as I said to elegANT, you have a very specific writing style, and that makes any RP readable. Kagura is also a very interesting character that I want to see more from.

Con: You already knew this was coming: Length. No matter how good the RP starts, or is overall, there came a point where I just started skimming as I kept scrolling, waiting to read the ending.

NOAH RYDER

Pro: I love the gimmick to Ryder, and you've always been a great writer. This is just another example. It was hilarious, without being funny for the sake of being funny. You did a good job managing to get it to the match and the backstage stuff might have been the highlight.

Con: I know this was for comedic effect, but it was far too repetitive, for me. There's a few bits that could have been dropped with no negative effect on the RP as a whole.

 

[Bernkastel]

Dagger

I’m glad that you released that guide that you made. It makes following your side stories and the references allot easier to understand. It looks like Theron and his merry band of misfits are trying to commandeer a pass to the Lake of Revival. But just one problem; the Berserker [the first thing that popped into my head was one of those Viking warriors and I thought “huh, that’s a weird thing for Dagger to put in his RP”] orc that has the pass won’t give up the pass unless Theron defeats Abel Hunnicut. Well… I know the outcome of that match and unfortunately Theron will have to take the pass by force. Funkay is always a tough customer to beat.

What I liked most about the RP: Everything just flows so nicely. The dialogue, the descriptions, and the narration: it’s all really easy to read.

What I liked least about the RP: The RP was solid, but I felt that you could have added a bit more descriptive narration between the dialogues. It almost seems as if the character were just standing in place aside from the brief moments of animation that you give them.

Overall the RP was solid, man. I enjoyed it. Hopefully Theron can get his hands on that pass that he wants so badly.

Dagger – Lethal Lottery

So this is the direct sequel to the last RP. Theron has beaten up the Berserker [supposedly] and taken his pass, now finds himself at the Lake of Revival. One thing that I do like is the continuation between your RP’s. I don’t know if you planned these out like a saga like I did mine, or if they just come together. Either way this really works well. The imagery was fantastic in this story.

What I liked most about the RP: Like the last RP the dialogue was smooth, descriptions were great, the narration and transitions worked well. One thing in particular was your increased usage of descriptive narration between the dialogues. It was an improvement over the round before.

What I liked least about the RP: Some of the descriptions and dialogues felt a bit bloated and repetitive. I struggle with the same thing when I write, so I try to keep to tight, short sentences that flow off the tip of the brain when read. I also try to avoid using the same words and phrases over and over in succession. I noticed that in some areas.

I haven’t given Dave’s RP a fair read yet, other than skimming it, but you’ve got a real shot at winning the world title. The voting should be close.

 

[NSL]

GARTH BLACK

Pro: You managed to cover everything you needed in a short RP, which is a big help on a show like this, where many people tend to ramble. I also like you're writing style.

Con: While it counts as a "pro", it is also not too good that this is far sorter than it could (and probably should) have been. For Meltdown or Ascension, this works. Not necessarily a pay-per-view.

JOHNNY SCUMM

Pro: The opening to this is very strong. It definitely had my attention, and made me want to read more. Because Scumm is "returning", this was a welcome backstory. You also managed to cover both matches very well.

Con: If any, I'd say formatting. The dialogue doesn't really stand out, and made it harder to read than it needed to be.

CONSTANTINE

Pro: I hate Bill. Not sure if that's the point of him, but it works, and keeps Constantine almost on that "tweener" line. I really like how this felt like a chapter out of a book, because it makes me want to read everything I've missed, and find out what's next.

Con: Even though there was a ton of detail, and backstory, this felt like it ran on a little long. That's excusable, considering it's a World Title match.

THERON DAGGERSHIELD

Pro: You definitely have a great grasp on this character, and it seems like you have months of RPs planned out. This is definitely a character I can see with the belt.

Con: Unfortunately, this being the first full RP of yours that I read, this seemed a little out there. I can tell that there's a lot I've missed, as far as how Theron talks, and the references you use. Probably not your fault, but I couldn't really connect to Theron here.

JAMES HOWARD

Pro: For a character as established as Howard, this did a good job of adding more to him. Everyone else seems to be going with the RP "formula", so it was cool to see a straight up promo.

Con: I'm not sure it's a good idea to go into a PPV title match putting down the belt that you're carrying.

EVE TAYLOR

Pro: I'm sure it wasn't planned, but it was refreshing to see Eve and Howard both shoot on each other. This felt like old school wrestling, and given both character's histories, that's perfect. You do a great job of storytelling, and as I've said to a few long-time members, it's obvious you have a good idea of where you're going from here on out, which (should) motivate everyone to get on the same track.

Con: This isn't really a "con" based on your promo, but Cerberus used Eve at length, and did it well, and that was really missing here. As a stable, it might have been fitting to mix something in.

CASSANOVA

Pro: You have a very good writing style, and the opening section had some amazing visuals. If you haven't done that before, it may be worth sticking to in the future.

Con: The second half of this felt cheap. I can tell you had a good idea for the opening, and then everything fell flat to end it, like you were in a hurry. I know you were pressed up against the deadline, so I'd recommend giving yourself more time next round.

RAMPARTE

Pro: The opening to this left me wanting to see more. Very good writing style, and very good character.

Con: This might be only me, but I don't have any way to listen to the video you added, so this was really only half an RP. Unless that video is amazing, this all feels incomplete, even with your partner's RP.

FLEX MUSSEL

Pro: I mentioned this to Eve and Howard, but the old school promo idea is refreshing. Also, considering everyone (including myself) seems to lean on Leon a lot, it was good to see other interviewers used properly. This was a perfect way to flesh out the rivalry with Live Mas, and plant the seed for any number of angles going forward from Lethal Lottery.

Con: This was an outstanding promo for Cerberus, which obviously helps for the titles, but I think it falls flat as a promo for the Lethal Lottery.

MIKEY STORMRAGE

Pro: This was a good Mikey RP. There's plenty of backstory and building on what's going on right now.

Con: I think, at this point, anyone that has read one Mikey RP, has read them all. This was all over the place, and I think Mikey is due for just a straight RP, if that makes sense, even if it is out of character.

MATT TASTIC

Pro: Same as I said to Mikey...This was a good Matt promo. He's a great character, with a lot o history, and you used it well.

Con: Again, same as Mikey, if you've read one Matt Tastic RP, you've read them all, or at least in recent history. It seems like you're starting to rest on your laurels and past accomplishments. (This doesn't make it a bad RP, but it does weaken it.) Also, reading this, I couldn't help but picture Frodo and Sam walking to Mordor. It makes your partner seem weak, even unintentionally, and that could hurt going into a title match.

 

[Con T.]

Theron Daggershield

Why you will walk out of Lethal Lottery World Champion:

This RP tells a story of reformation, and this feels like a big fight RP. Theron knows he will have to look inside of himself, and absolve himself of his past failures. It's an effective story, one required in all hero's journeys, and it's told especially effectively here.

Allow me to point to real life for a second: Theron in a lot of ways remind me of Bayley. Perhaps this is just because of her recent match with Sasha, but I view the two characters in a similar light, and see them as characters we have watched pay their dues, before reaching their defining moment. This is where you see the ultimate culmination, where all of Theron's failures are on display for us to see, and for Theron to reflect on. It's effective, in that we really get to see just how far Theron has come, as a character. We really do feel like we know this character, and in some ways, grew up with him. It's babyface booking 101, and it was the best strategy you could have done, against Constantine.

The story itself works very well for Theron, and makes me want to root for him against Constantine. And in a face vs. face match, that goes a very, very long way.

I feel like Zeus and Theron are diametrical opposites; characters who believe they are called upon to fight for their cause, but at the same time, for different purposes. Really, Zeus and Theron are be so different...something I've always enjoyed about their characters. Here, the spiritual undertones are there, and I can appreciate any RP that talks the spiritual, and works it into RPs.

Why you might not:

Well...how do I say this?

[YOUTUBE]7_HVSU7NK5E[/YOUTUBE]

So, in telling of Theron's failures, sometimes it feels as though there's a lot of exposition given. I think there could have been a different way to have Theron reflect on his transgressions. Maybe have the voice of Marmell, of Kaiser, remind him of his failures, as opposed to Theron narrating them. I feel like it led to a lot of just telling us what has happened, as opposed to conveying an emotion. I would rather have Theron face the demons of his past face first, and have him actually deal with the ghosts of his past, as opposed to showing the failures. I feel like that would make for more action, and less exposition.

Also, this is just a preference thing... I'm never a fan of "show scene" or "scene transitions". Part of the appeal of Theron is being able to transport to this world of fantasy... And a lot of fantasy gets killed, when things like that are said. The appeal to Theron's world is that it is so immersive; reminding us that it is a scene takes us out of that world, and reminds us that none of this is real. Again, this is just a matter of preference, so I may be the only one that feels that way. But I wouldn't be so sure I'm the only one.

Overall, a great RP. Tomorrow night, I review Constantine's RP. There, you will see voting Haiku take over, and offer who I think walks out of Lethal Lottery with the WZCW World Title. But the next post will be John Doe

 

[Con T.]

John Doe

Why you'll win the Lethal Lottery:

The first person portions of this RP are so good. I'm actually legitimately jealous of your ability to write first person RP's. The amount of detail is perfect, just the right amount of past, and the right amount of visual detail. It's just the right amount of backstory that I've been looking for, and yet cryptic enough to leave me confused as to who this person is.

You mix up your fonts and quotes very well, and overall, it tells a great story about how John Doe, incidentally enough, wound up in wrestling without even realizing. It's a little mix of serendipity and coincidence, which combined make for a great amount of dramatic irony.

Why you won't:

*Le Sigh*

So, let's talk about changing from second person to third person perspective, mid scene.

It's bad. Don't do it. Please.

I don't know if it was intentional, but it felt like at certain points, you want the audience to take the role of John Doe, and others you want a third person perspective. That's fine, as long as you don't mix the two in one scene. That, unfortunately, happens in your interview with Leon. At one point, you have the reader take the perspective of John Doe, and in the next, you're describing things in third person perspective, explaining John's actions.

It gets confusing to the reader, and really provided a cognitive dissonance that is very unsettling. I don't know if I'm John Doe, a fly on the wall, whatever. Again, I don't mind changing perspectives in your RP. But it's confusing when it happens mid-scene.

Overall, I was really impressed with this outing, and I would expect a good showing for this Lethal Lottery.

 

[Con T.]

Cassanova:

Why you will win the Lethal Lottery:

You have gotten much better about your use of font, and have crafted an RP that's easily readable. This isn't an RP that overstays its welcome; it does a great job of being succinct, and making your point, without giving everything away. You do a real good job presenting Cassanova's story, what his motivation is, and how he's feeling, in a short amount of time. You have down the idea of not needing to share too much; just as much as you need, to get by.

Not necessarily a negative point, just an insight:

So, if any of you listen to the boys from OSW, and watched the 1992 Rumble show, then you might remember the Royal Rumble Promo Challenge. Basically, try to make it through a promo without mentioning the following terms;

A. 29
B. Over the top
C. To the floor
D. Wrestlemania
E. Champion

A really weird pet peeve I have is when people say they're going to throw 29 people over the top rope.

Well, what if you're the 30th man? Saying you'll throw 29 people over the top presumes you're coming in at number one, which in this case, isn't accurate. All I'm saying is, I always find it funny when someone says they're going to throw out 29 other people and win.

And don't get me wrong, even the best promo's in the business did it. Steve Austin used to say it, so did Randy Savage. But until someone wins a Royal Rumble by actually throwing out 29 other people, no one should ever talk about throwing out 29 other wrestlers.

Just a semantics thing, really.

Why you won't win:

If you're going to use songs, be sure to embed a YouTube video, for those of us that don't know the song. I'd also cut it down a little bit, as it just kind of feel like reciting lyrics. If you're going to add song quotes, don't do the whole thing, and add some more writing of your own, to break it up. Maybe you could write about the school closing, or the sad little boy. That would be better than using an entire song, to tell your story.

 

[Con T.]

Alhazred

Why you'll win:

Because you brought back the best NPC in the history of the fed, Facecrusher.

Seriously, I was so very happy to see him back. Maybe it's because of my love of the Krypto/Alhazred feud, that really makes me happy you brought him in. And I think your greatest strength is also probably why, sadly, you won't win.

You don't give a fuck, you just want to tell your story.

I think you'd even admit, that you don't give a fuck about how you actually do. And because of said non-fuck-giving, you aren't afraid to tell a really fucking out there story, that if you followed the short stint of Super Boss Nova, actually makes sense. Seriously, I'm really happy you gave closure, for now, to the Power Glove.

You don't care about wins and losses, and weren't afraid to tell a story that, in essence, really shows the vulnerability of a man like Alhazred. And frankly, you do a great job building sympathy for Alhazred.

Why you won't win:

Because, as I mentioned, you don't give a fuck about wins and losses.

Unfortunately, the vulnerability to Alhazred also doesn't give much a chance to build Alhazred up. He's essentially an agent of chaos, and is going to fuck things up in the Lottery. He'll toss people, but I think even he realizes that he won't win. It comes across in the RP, and winds up seeming like Alhazred may not even want to win.

As for actually writing, the opening was a bit long, but I did the same thing, too. So that's a thing. And the story is marvelous, but focuses little on the actual lottery.

Don't get me wrong, it was a great story. And I think, really, that's all you ever really cared about doing.

 

[Bernkastel]

Spidey

So this is ‘do or die’ time for Cerberus I see. Promos from all members of Cerberus have alluded to an eventual breakup of the stable. And to be honest, as a fan I’m okay with that. Ramparte and Flex have accomplished something remarkable, not only that but you too mesh so well as a team it’s almost a shame really. But alas, all good things must come to an end.

What I liked most about the RP: There were two parts to this RP; the written half, and the spoken half. TI’ve told you this before but your style of writing is unique only to you. It’s a very eloquent and simplistic style, which reverberates a sense of wonder whenever I look into the mind of Ramparte. The dialogue was nice and smooth. Perfect. The transitions were nicely done as well. I did have an issue with the video, but the acting and the music were nice touches.

What I liked least about the RP: I felt there could have been a bit more descriptive narration with the dialogue. Something that I always try to do is animate my characters when they speak, so it doesn’t look like they are sitting around doing nothing. That’s also the issue I had with the video. Your speech was great, but if you had added some descriptions, like the part where Ramparte yells at his butler if I had read “Ramparte stands and flips a table” before you started shouting that would have been incredible.

The idea was ingenious, but in my opinion it needs a few more tweaks before you reach perfection. As for your match, it was definitely a huge statement.

NSL

So it seems that we’re delving deeper into John Doe’s past. We have a mysterious scene in Mexico, followed by a brief interview with John and Leon. Lastly we see a scene of a mental health facility. The opening scene was well written, but some of the green dialogue confused me with the description that came afterwards. With the tense I wasn’t sure if that referenced the character that spoke or another one. The description just didn’t seem to make sense.

What I liked most about the RP: The dialogue was well written in a short, simple and concise manner that was easy to read.

What I liked least about the RP: I would choose one tense and stick with it. You were using second person for most of the RP, then you switched over to first person and then back to second. Don’t do that. Just chose one. Some of your transitions might need a little work. The transition between the interview and the last scene left me confused. I was not sure which scene the mental health facility was supposed to follow. Also I think you need a bit more descriptive narration; animate your characters a bit more between dialogue.

I’m seeing you start to experiment with different formats, which is good. And your story with John is moving along, so at least you aren’t stuck. It does seem like you’ve got a handle on where you want to take John, so that’s also good.

 

[Con T.]

K Web V3

Why You Will Win The Lottery:

This RP did a lot to develop a character for yourself, in Logan McAllister. This is what I meant, by differentiating your character. This felt like you wanted to make your character different, and it really works. Much like John Doe, it was enough backstory to whet the appetite, but not too much to expose the character. It's a very tricky art, and you did a very good job of providing backstory, yet making us want more.

There's also an amazing amount of continuity, that comes into your RPs that I always appreciate. Pointing out how you've lost matches via rollup, because you are unfocused, was a very, very nice touch. It not only explains the losses well, but it also provides content for your RP's. It also might lead to a crisis for Logan; does he keep his kid at home, when he wrestles, so he can stay focused? I think that could be a really interesting take on this character, and could add more moral dilemmas to Logan McAllister


Why You Won't:

The formatting, frankly, is not great here. At least, when it comes to dialogue.

So, here's the thing about dialogue. I'm of the belief that you need to place a new paragraph, when a new character speaks. Whenever you have a new voice, be sure to always have that voice starting a new paragraph. Let's do a before, and an after: This is the before, which you did for the LL.

"Hey Logan! How's Ireland treating ya?" Thomas sounded happy to talk to his son, but Logan wasn't nearly as happy. "Ireland is great, but fuck dad....I just can't do shit right here in WZCW. I'm here, lost and confused. Nothing I do works. I keep spinning my wheels looking for some traction, and all I receive in return is defeat." Logan was pacing now as he spoke, but his dad was quick to respond. "Relax Logan. I think the fact you started as this company was in the midst of a world tour has hindered you. You haven't been home in years, let alone stateside in months. Now i know things between us aren't completely fixed, but why don't you come home son? Return to Boston and clear your head."
Logan hesitated for a few seconds before deciding it may be a good idea. "Okay dad. You might be right. Sure can't hurt to try. I'll fly out in the A.M." "Awesome. Oh by the way, someone from your past came looking for you recently. I passed along your number, so they may contact you. Call me when you arrive at the airport."

Now, the actual dialogue isn't bad. But trying to read through that all at once is really jarring for the reader. Here's the after, when you space out the paragraphs and let each new voice start a new paragraph.

"Hey Logan! How's Ireland treating ya?" Thomas sounded happy to talk to his son, but Logan wasn't nearly as happy.

"Ireland is great, but fuck dad....I just can't do shit right here in WZCW. I'm here, lost and confused. Nothing I do works. I keep spinning my wheels looking for some traction, and all I receive in return is defeat." Logan was pacing now as he spoke, but his dad was quick to respond.

"Relax Logan. I think the fact you started as this company was in the midst of a world tour has hindered you. You haven't been home in years, let alone stateside in months. Now i know things between us aren't completely fixed, but why don't you come home son? Return to Boston and clear your head."


Logan hesitated for a few seconds before deciding it may be a good idea. "Okay dad. You might be right. Sure can't hurt to try. I'll fly out in the A.M."

"Awesome. Oh by the way, someone from your past came looking for you recently. I passed along your number, so they may contact you. Call me when you arrive at the airport."

See how much nicer that looks? It makes it easier for the reader to follow, and also provides a pause for the reader, effectively helping provide tension for your stories.

Also, NSL does have a point, about being wary about how much adult content you put into the RP. The infrequent "fuck" and reference to drug use isn't bad, but it can be a lot, when you read it all together. I'd caution of using it only when really necessary.

 

[Con T.]

Titus:

Why You'll win the lottery:

This felt really new, and I really felt like Titus has really, really developed a brand new side of his character, that I really enjoy.

I made the comparison to Shawn Michaels, when he was trying to break the streak, because it had that same desperate, maniacal feel. It felt... Well, it felt like Shawn Michaels when he did do those small heel bits (against Hogan and Taker). The character is one where you rally understand where the character is coming from, but can still realize he's the heel. Titus isn't a heel, but you understand exactly why he's acting the way he is...even if you don't like it. These are the characters I like best; the ones you completely understand where they are coming from. Good, bad, or indifferent.

Why You Won't:

I don't really have anything.

Trust me, I'm trying to think of something. I don't have anything. I don't know.

It's succinct, but gives just enough detail that it isn't bare bones, by any stretch of the means.

I guess... I have to nitpick the most minor details. First;

MIC: What an asshole. He'd be nothing without people like me. I just wanted to sell some things on eBay, make some money.

I'm not so sure that someone would just say that under their breath, in that sort of manner. I'm sure they think it, just not sure they would say it like that. It may seem a little minor, but it also seems to set up the order of events, and is Titus' main motivation for meeting with this bloke.

Also, just a realization, as I read it; it doesn't really talk too much about the Lethal Lottery that much. No, that actually is both a credit and something of a complaint. You did a Lethal Lottery promo, without mentioning "29", "Lethal Lottery", "Kingdom Come", "over the top", and the like. I was actually amazed by it. But I felt there should be some sort of discussion of the actual Lottery. Why does Titus want to win? Does he even want to win?

Last, I totally understand Titus wants to do without his past history. But a lot of the RP does focus on past history.

These are all minor quibbles, really, though. All in all.... This was freaking great, I really have to say. It was perhaps one of the best of this crop of LL RPs.

 

[Con T.]

Noah Ryder:

Why you'll win

If we are serious about awarding RP's for going outside the box, and writing something no one has ever seen before, this would get quite a few votes. I earlier compared it to an episode of The Simpsons, but it's really more like a weird improvisation game, where the scene always restarts. It's very effective to telling the random nature of something like the lethal lottery, and has enough call back to prior scenes. The jokes are on point and really funny, and most importantly, the Lethal Lottery doesn't get ignored in the process. In fact, you manage to cut two-three great promos about the lottery itself, which shows you can have comedy in your promo, while also talking about the match.

Really creative, and really interesting.

why you won't:

It did get somewhat repetitive. The alternate scenario thing is fun, but by the fourth trip to the liquor store, I did want something different. I think doing the liquor scene twice would have made a gold laugh, but by the fourth, it was coming back to diminishing returns. I still chuckled, but I wanted to see the plot progress.

Also, I was really hoping for a joke about the space time continuum, but never really got it. I guess I was looking for a payoff to all of these alternate realities that Noah and Steven occupy.

But those are really minor quibbles. Again, if we are rewarding creativity in RP's, I think this one should be right at the top of the peak. It was fun, it was unique, and it did a great job building up the randomness of the lottery.

 

[K Web V3]

Dr. Zeus

Pro- So let me start by saying that I really enjoy this character. I enjoyed the intro. It was a tad long, but i was able to really get into it. Was very easy to feel the emotion that Zeus was feeling while talking with his wife.

Back in present time, Zeus still has a feeling of desperation, albeit in a different form. I enjoyed how hopeless Zeus seemed to be, and I also liked how persistent Chastity was in not letting Zeus give up.

I also liked the tease of this "weapon of sainthood" whoever it is, it sure brought a smile to Zeus.

Con- I really don't have anything. I enjoyed pretty much everything about this rp.

If i had to pick something, it'd probably be the intro was a little long. It's totally nitpicking, as i quite enjoyed it, but i could see others maybe not feeling the same.

John Doe

Pro- I like Doe. I think you're doing a nice job of slowly developing him and keeping him mysterious. I feel it's very easy to picture the things you describe and i enjoy the way you've been having Doe interact with Leon.

Con- Its already been said, but it's kinda the only thing that really stands out in my eyes. The switch from 1st to 3rd person perspective. Was a little confusing, but other than that i thought you had a fairly strong rp.

Abel Hunnicutt

Pro- I loved that whole Abel part. Like alot. We don't know much about Abel really other than the fact that Steven Holmes has recruited him. This rp helped us learn more about the monster that is Abel Hunnicutt. Abel has the makings of a real threat to the WZCW roster

Con- Im sounding repetitive, cuz again i didn't really see anything really bad about this rp. The whole rp was enjoyable, tho i did enjoy the Abel part more so than the Celeste/Steven part. Wouldn't be surprised to see Abel have a strong showing in the LL


I'll have more up hopefully later.....