RP Feedback Thread

[Richard Blonoff]

Dagger/Theron

This is gonna be a mix of general feedback, and feedback on your RP this round.

I've said this multiple times, when you apped with Theron, I laughed. I thought, no way does he last. You proved us all wrong. Your writing style is different than the norm, but it works...most of the time.

Like this round for instance. Your RP was enjoyable, just like most of your RPs. At times I do get some of the NPCs mixed up, but for the most part I enjoy reading your RPs. The issue I had with your RP this week, and for the record I did vote for Beard, is that you spent too much time focusing on the D&D realm. That shit can be fun to read, but you need to make sure we know that Theron is still a pro wrestler. That can be an issue for you from time to time. I don't want to put numbers, but just say this most recent RP was 100% fantasy. I'd like to see more reality out of your RPs. Your best RPs are when you mix a good chunk of fantasy with a small chunk of reality to remind us that not only Theron is a pro wrestler, but a real person. We know who Theron is in the fantasy realm, but we don't exactly know who he is in the real world.

That said, your dialogue was and usually is well written. I mentioned earlier at times it can be hard to keep track of all your NPCs, but I've played enough RPGs and tabletop games to know they usually have a vibrant cast of characters. It was a fun read, you describe the world very well. A large part of why your style is so successful is you do a solid job painting the world for us.

One final criticism that I feel isn't exclusive to you, but there are times where I feel like Theron as a character doesn't have many faults. I forget who said it, but someone mentioned that they could see Theron becoming the John Cena of the fed. I don't say this as an IWC mark who dislikes Cena, I say it as a person who reads and judges RPs on a bi-weekly basis. I don't want to see Theron, or any character, develop this super human ability to overcome every obstacle placed in their way and not have faults in their character, face or heel. Too often we have heels that try to be cool and faces that don't have flaws. I hate it when everyone tries to turn their heel into an nWo type of cool heel, or an 80s face that is all smiles and baby kissing. To me, the people on screen are who they are in real life. At least that is how I think it should be. This isn't something where on screen Mikey Stormrage is a nerd but in real life he is this super cool guy with hundreds of friends. The guy he is on screen is who he is in his real life. Ricky Runn is a swagtastic asshole on screen, and a swagtastic asshole in his day to day life. I don't like to view them as people playing a role, I like to view them as real people who just happen to be super athletic or super strong and make a living off that. So just like real people, they always need to have faults. Sometimes in his quests(fantasy or reality) Theron needs to fail. It will really add depth and layers to the character. I'm ranting now though so I will stop.

All in all, this wasn't a bad RP, but it was far from your best work. I think once you find the consistent balance between fantasy and reality for Theron, you will accelerate your climb up the ladder. At the current rate, you aren't doing bad, but I think you can do better. This is just the opinion of one person, but I hope it helps in some way. Cheers.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Titus:

I'm going to jump straight to the sole negative of your RP because like you've stated, it was a very good showing from you this week. But this sole negative I think is inhibiting nearly all of your RP's in general, and I'm a little disgruntled that I didn't bring it up earlier. The sole negative is this:

Spoiler

There's no real direction in Titus's story.

And by that, I mean that very little happens in your RP's, and they tend to feel like filler a lot of the time. For filler standards excellent, but nonetheless filler. Your RP here was a prime example, as all Titus does is talk to a camera. I don't want to sound like I'm jumping to conclusions, but I think you plan the base of your RP's from a match-to-match basis, without drawing up a real story for that cycle. With my RP's, I always have Fallout's main plot sketched out in advance, but I make sure to add stuff about the opponent when I see fit. You have a storyline with Showtime, and you've addressed it well, but Titus doesn't really do anything in your RP's except talk for the most part. Actions speak louder than words. Maybe do a storyline next cycle where Titus starts to feel burnout from all of his commitments and begins to devote his life into taking out Showtime, at the expense of his grand and current livelihood as an example, as it gives you enough material for 4 RP's, and with that direction, you should be racking up wins against nearly everybody.

As for the good, I might be parroting people here, but I think you might be the best dialogue guy in the fed. Titus's script format has worked extremely well with your writing style, and Titus's talking is certainly your strong point. You never monologue, but you always give the reader a great insight into Titus's personality and thoughts and your points are well constructed against your opponents. Your RP's also have a certain charm to them. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it's a style no-one has managed to successfully replicate, and it's worked really well for you in the past evidentially.

I don't think it was a case of your RP being bad, but I think Constantine nailed the 3 D's (descriptive, directive and dialogue), where your directive has been admittedly lacking. Far from a bad showing, and there's no shame in losing to Constantine, but I reckon you could have got the win with some direction.

 

[DarksideEric]

Titus:all Titus does is talk to a camera.

I'd like to elaborate on this, if I may, based on some Feedback Haiku (I believe) game me about my RP.

Haiku told me that I can have settings more than just "training," as quite a few of my RPs were just basically that: Jon trains here, Jon trains there, Jon thinks about training, etc.

What you're doing and where you're doing it adds a lot of personality (I feel) to the RP, and so if all you're doing is just reading out your script in front of a camera or whatever as Fallout said, it feels somewhat one dimensional no matter how good the dialogue is, if the setting is constantly repeated.

 

[Kermit]

Feedback for Podcast Winner​

Eve Taylor

I didn’t know which RP was yours Falk, so I just read them both. I like the chemistry between Aubrey and Eve. The dialogue is fluid, and the contrast between characters is fun. That being said, the content felt very surface-level. I know that it is early on with your team, but I will be excited when the content gets deeper. That will come along with getting a feud or some kind of conflict to work with, but for now the RP was rather uneventful. A trip to a spa is only so exciting.

Overall: Solid RPs, but will be even better when they get more depth.

 

[Infinity]

Michael Winters

There's a couple of things I got from your RP. The first thing that hit me was the beautiful way you're able to eloquently describe a scene or setting. Lines like this:

The trees were alive with the songs of a dozen different birds as a light breeze sliced through the air.

They're a pleasure to come across. One of the things that interests me most in other people's RPs is the way they are able to use description. I bet there have been a dozen times somebody has set a scene where there was wind blowing through some trees, so it takes some creativity to make scenes like that feel unique to the reader. When people have weak and generic language in their description, it hurts the rest of their RP. You, in my opinion, have a great grasp on how to keep the reader intrigued while you go into description.

What I did feel, however, is that your dialogue did not feel as organic as it could have. I preface my critique with this; I think some of the awkwardness of your dialogue is actually a plus for your character. Winters should come off awkward. He shouldn't be using the regular vernacular that every day people do. But I felt that at times you were using this conversation as a way to get in short monologues from each character. There was barely any back and forth. Every time a character spoke, the other character had some long winded reply ready. As well of a grasp as you have on your description, it surprised me when I felt that at times within your dialogue I felt as if I zoned out a bit, lost in the verbiage. I feel if you work on making your dialogue's pace feel more natural while keeping the awkward and unique verbiage that Michael Winters uses, it would help you better juxtapose your character's extremist persona against the world he believes he needs to cleanse, in His name.

Lastly, I would say this to you... if you're gonna be a heel, go full heel. I found it a little weird that a heel is doing such a good thing by going to visit sick children at a hospital... but the thing is, I was kind of hooked. I wanted to see how you could heel it up. I thought you missed a great opportunity there by not having a part of your RP where Michael Winters actually interacts with the children. Ricky Runn did something similar, and he heeled it up in a very comedic way. I thought this could have been a way to show that although Winters may have pure intentions, his methods are skewed. Perhaps him unintentionally scaring the children, or even making them cry somehow through his religious rhetoric. Instead, the RP ended just as Winters made it to the children's ward, and I felt like a little disappointed.

By you not doing anything at the end, it made that action purely good intentioned, which weakens your character's standing as a heel. If your character's beliefs lead him to do righteous things, that's okay... but I think it is then up to you to somehow come up with ways that still make Winters a heel.

I look forward to reading more from you because I see all these things as being pretty easy adjustments. Good luck this round.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

This is the written feedback I had in prep for the podcast last night. Unfortunately my internet went and took a complete crap on my plans to appear so here's the feedback as promised. Sorry all:

Feedback for AoN 2014 Round

World Heavyweight Championship

Ricky Runn: This was short, and maybe not even to the point. I got a good chuckle out of ‘This is where a long speech would go if I wasn't completely rushing for time?’ and it was clear you were rushed for time. Ricky’s always a funny one to read because I do get a good laugh, but always end up reading these RP’s in a bad mood because Ricky’s such an effective heel. I didn’t feel that way here, and I think it’s a negative. I think this is indeed the end.

Triple X: How’s John Cena’s theme go? Your time is up, my time is now? Yeah that seems about right. Triple X is on the cup of this for me. I think he knocked it out with maybe not the best, show stopping RP ever, but a very good piece of writing that collected the feelings and thoughts into one nicely packaged bow. Bonus points too for mentioning Steven Holmes.

World Tag Team Championship

Amber Warren: One thing I noticed early, the colour of font is different for each of the Dragones RP’s. On Ty’s, Califa is blue and in Amber’s, she is blue. Pick a side guys, uniformity and consistency. I know Ty’s writing for both this and the WHC match, but it was clear that Amber was RPing with 100% focus on the Tag titles while Califa was distracted a wee bit and his focus was split. I think the overall quality of team RP’s suffered as a result. I’m not sure it’s enough to knock the Dragons off their perch, because they were both solid as hell RP’s (though there might be a limit on the amount of times I can read El Califa referring to himself in the third person like he’s the Rock)

El Califa Dragon: On this end, this was a fairly strong entry, using the time-tested recap of the journey so far and the journey to come RP. It’s a standard fair RP for most in this position and it was well written. I think it did lack the general focus of the others and that will be an end result of the duel RPing. I think still tag champion, not new World Heavyweight though.

Jonathan Hyada: Digging the superhero pop art, bubbles etc... There’s an easy way to make an impact in an RP and that’s to set yourself aside from the others with visual gimmicks. This works as does the changing of font. These are simple things, but they catch your attention straight away. The scene was nice and the description good. The dragon’s comparison was nice, but I feel this could’ve been rounded out better with talk of the opponents. There was some mention, but not enough for my liking.

Haven: Acting as the mentor/authority on things of sorts in the team is perfect place to start given that that’s the actual case here. The repetition of segments didn’t work for me. I’ve read it once, I know the conversation’s happened, I don’t need it again. It was disruptive if anything. This was better rounded than the other side of the team, better balance between the elements, but I think this shows there could be more tom come from this team. The dynamic is good and the gimmick works just fine.

Ramparte: Killjoy...is that you? I jest of course. There’s something theatrical with this RP, musical even. It’s nice. I tried doing things like this in the past and they work nicely if you’re in the right situation. I think the balance between Ramparte and Mussel was nice, but the RP did feel a bit crowded with Isis and Morley and the other strands of poetry and music. The centring of text in places made disjointed this also. The style is there, it’s all about refining it.

Flex Mussel: I’m not a huge fan of the name Cerberus Knocks. It sounds more like a finisher than a tag name. Same with “The Healthiest Man Alive” as a nickname. Not great. There’s a good play on the opponents here. The ‘about an hour later’ worked nicely in reference to Young Justice. The balance here with running down the opponents was good and this was nicely rounded.

Michael Winters: First off, good to see Winters back. The last run ended far too abruptly, not including that Lethal Lottery appearance. Use of the biblical passages and faith based moments is, as in the olden days, is good. Getting used to Cougar’s style and flamboyance was nice. On formatting, I think we either need Winters name once or all the time, not at the start of each part only to disappear. It’s kind of annoying.

“Showtime” David Cougar: Appreciate those royalty checks I’m getting over the use of my moniker Showtime. I think all the points that needed hitting on were hit on. The RP is split evenl;y over a bunch of different things. I think more could’ve and maybe should’ve been done to illustrate that the Elite are a team as well as an alliance. The RP itself was, of course, very good and the general heel chatter worked like a charm as expected. Good solo RP, not a great team one though.

Elite X Championship

Fallout: I think Fallout has a tendency to overwrite. The writing is great, top class, but there’s too much of it. Sometimes it’s better to just write something simply than to put complicated words that few have heard or dreamed of writing into an RP before. I think that can be best summed up by the opening where the writing is great, philosophical and whatnot (and very true to my mind), but it’s trying to be too clever. If Fallout has come, seen conquered, then why does he have to face Mortlock again?

He hasn’t conquered him. He’s contradicted himself.

As noted before, the writing is good and the visuals are clear. The story present is well told and conveyed well. There are blocks of paragraphs that could do with a bit of breaking up but otherwise solid work that out thinks itself.

Frank Mortlock: Bringing the referee in allows for a different sort of story to be told. The idea of working over the referee in hard-boiled fashion and acting like a monstrous prick really got heat from me and I felt sympathy for the ref. That’s good piece of writing there. As is the internal dialogue. The part where Mortlock verbally toadies to Bateman but inside tells him to go fuck himself was particularly enjoyable.

My biggest complaint is with the addressing of opponents. This is always a divisive subject. I’ve done it myself quite a bit and it was always because I felt I had a more important story to tell, but really, the addressing of opponents should be something that occurs throughout the RP. It’s as much a part of the story you’re telling as what other things you’ve got going on.

EurAsian Championship

Mikey Stormrage: N/A

Matt Tastic: Tastic’s been somewhat all over the place recently and I’m not convinced that right now he belongs in the title hunt, given that he was pursuing the belts when I was RPing regularly...a year ago. That’s obviously been a common complaint concerning the character. That said, this draws on that, and the recent developments with Mikey and leaves us with a good piece of work.

The overweight child who wanted to play Street Fighter was a good touch and the bringing up of the Altar feud felt right. If this level of attention to detail and writing can be brought every time Tastic faces off for a title then I’ve got no problems seeing him stick around there for awhile.

Tag Team Match

Vega: N/A

Theron Daggershield: The idea here is good. You take your world, bring the others into it. You don’t make it too obvious that Beard and Zeus are being parodied and that shows a level of intelligence that was absent from Dagger’s work when I was on creative. That’s not to say his work was stupid, but rather that he’s stepped up into a smarter plain.

My major issue has to be that if you’re a newcomer to WZCW and you read a bit of Dagger’s RP, you’re going to not want to continue unless you’re a really big fan of D & D or Final Fantasy or RPG’s etc... The accessibility isn’t so good and perhaps that is something that needs to be worked on. There’s a fine balance in creating a great world, and giving it accessibility for others. That line might be blurred at the moment.

The Beard: They say that Akira Kurosawa was the greatest director of elements. He knew how to use wind, rain, sun and so on. He used those things to convey deeper meanings than those on the surface. I think that has been done to great effect here by Theo. There’s a feeling that War and Death are on a quest that is rife with hardship and strife (see what I did there?) The comfort with which Zeus is used to shows a solid understanding of the character as well. That lends to a more believable piece of work. That powerful final image works very well and leads us to...

Dr. Zeus: First things first. That first paragraph, while well written, is too long for me. Barbosa used to always mention it and I’ll bring it up too, it needs to be broken up. Big blocks of text are boring and make for a harder experience reading.

The commitment to the gimmick of rhyming is something I would’ve given up on long ago and I totally admire that Zeus still have the passion and patience to work out those and there rhythm lends to a great bit of pacing for the RP itself.

There’s a feeling that this team is destined to implode eventually, but getting there is going to be a great deal of fun, and Zeus’ control of Beard and potentially the WHC at a later point could be very, very fun to watch.

Falls Count Anywhere Match

Blade: There’s a line here that I find off: “At All or Nothing, you’ve got Diabolos one more time in the ring. Falls Count Anywhere.” I’m just being picky and whatnot, but that’s an odd line given the rules of the stip. Anyway, the Blade and Becky dynamic works really well and a convincing, well constructed piece is realised as a result. I’ve always liked Blade best when he’s plagued by demons. I think that’s where the best work comes from with this character and the last little bit was nice.

A point on formatting real quick, the red and pink was a bit hard to sit and read through, especially in the middle. It was just wall-to-wall and a bit of an assault on my eyes.

Diabolos: Duelling Becky’s eh? I’m liking it! A lot of the time when guys engage ina feud it’s just “I’m going to INSERT GOOD WORD FOR BEAT you and INSERT ANOTHER GOOD WORD FOR BEAT you and that’ll led to blah blah which will lead to blah blah” That hasn’t been done here and it’s clear that there is something deeper happening with this feud and that is exploited in this RP.

As always with Red Skull’s work, this is a little madcap and out there, but that’s what makes it fun. I maybe would’ve let the tone be more serious, but that’s not the style that’s been reached for here. Things have been brewing between these two for awhile and I’d have loved to write this match if I were on creative.

Picking a winner’s difficult, but I think I’d go with Blade just because of the personal tone of his work.

Elite X Battle Royal

M: There’s a lot of raw potential here. I’ll say here and now that this was easily the most fun piece in the match, but not the best written. The story had a nice rhythm to it, but it didn’t flow as neatly as the others. It shows that this is the least experienced fed-member in the match.
The talent is there and with the absence of guys like Saboteur etc... there’s a niche ready for character like this. Being genuinely funny is hard. Being consistently, genuinely funny is something only a handful of people have done. I’ll be keeping my eyes peeled to see if that can continue. Try to ease off on the colours, especially bright pink and the like. Overall good, needs more polish.

Illapa: I’m of a split mind concerning this gimmick. On one hand, I like the fact that Thriller is a) ballsy enough to try something different and b) good enough to establish a supporting cast to prop up a silent killer type. These parts work and I’m interested in what comes next. However this leads me to my issues with it.

Illapa is the character we’re supposed to be interested in; however, I’m only interested in how Westhoff and Terrance get her back. I’m not interested in her story or her world. I’m interested in theirs. That could be a major issue going forward. Solid, as per, but glaring issues with an absent central character.

Eve Taylor: Simply put, too short to go anywhere of top quality. This was fine for what it was and I chuckled at the gag of removing the ‘evil hair’. I do sometimes worry about how well groomed Falk is. This felt like a fast vignette you’d get on a show prior to a match. It was more “Dashing” Cody Rhodes grooming tips than Dusty Rhodes “Hard Times” in that respect. Fine, fun, but not enough.

Aubrey Sloan: This is best written piece here. It combines well written story with solid drama and forwards a personal narrative, something the others fail to bring together. There’s humour, drama and it’s a really solid piece of work. I feel this forwards the alliance of Sloan and Taylor and compliments the earlier piece too. That’s a good sign going forward. Nothing wrong with this really, just a very solid piece of work. It’s the one I’d probably put up as the winner here.

 

[Con T.]

Kermit's Podcast!

So, I promised this, around six. I have it ready at five thirty. I'm early like that. Ballin.

The segments themselves are great.... I think breaking it down is nice, and it comes off as clear and concise. A very well run show, that is a very enjoyable listen. It gets to what I want, and frankly, focuses on something that is the most important; WZCW. One of the faults of myself in running the podcast was that I wandered so much... Pancake had to reel me back in. Kermit, on the other hand, knows how long the time needs to be, and focuses on what brings us to the yard; WZCW, and all it's wacky characters.

The Despicable Me is interesting, but I also worry that you hold back. One of the best things about the Green Room is that it's honest; part of me feels Despicable Me is a love tap, when sometimes it comes off too.... Nice. Yes, folks; Kermit is a nice, nice man. But Kermit, embrace your inner dick! Be a dick! I won't hold it against you!

Other than that... I mean, it's really an enjoyable show. My favorite so far has been the Echelon segment. Perhaps my biggest gripe is that I want to see more segments featuring the guest. Ask them questions about their writing process, what they feel about their character, you know? Make the guest the focal point, from time to time.

Otherwise, a damn great show.

 

[DarksideEric]

Corvus:

First, what's been pounded into my head by Haiku, Kermit and Dagger...

Don't use so much black or at least break it up.

I'm still having problems with this myself, but I half (maybe a little more) of your RP is all black and all italicized. While I followed it all easily and understood it was all inner monologue, from a presentation standpoint it could have been different. Perhaps only the single lines between paragraphs should have been italicized to help add to the effect as I believe the single lines are what's supposed to be powerful statements.

While I enjoyed your RP, for me at least at the moment my feedback is centered on presentation. I'm not a fan of the entire RP being all italicized because it takes away opportunities of emphasis, especially since you also don't bold anything really to help make it stand out. It's not a requirement to remove all italics, but it takes away from the ability to stress words when needed. Especially since you don't really put much "action" descriptions with your dialogue. You also should use different colors for your inner monologue and actions.

Mike Overlast:

There's no negative I can think of for your RP as I liked it. I had no idea as to Mike Overlast was prior to reading your RP (and to be honest I've not looked at old ones). But after reading I have at least a fairly good grasp on Overlast, finding him to be another one of the cast that has old wrongs to right (a story that, while used often, I enjoy a lot). Honestly, in terms of feedback the only thing I can think of to tell you is exactly what I've said: I had no idea who Overlast was but now I do because you painted the picture well enough for a newer member to understand the character.

 

[DarksideEric]

Showtime:

vs. Theron

Firstly... I'm not sure if you did this on purpose as part of your writing style or you just don't really think of it but:

An eye lid opens up and blinks a couple of times as it takes in light after being asleep for so long. The head bounces and moves a little as if it is riding along in a vehicle. The camera zooms out and we see Showtime sitting comfortably on a cushioned bench. A table is set in front of him and he stretches out on top of it and turns to look out the window. We see tall green trees and a picturesque mountain in the background. Also off in the distances is small lake that slowly comes move into view. Its surface is like crystal and we see a near perfect reflection of the mountain off it. Showtime turns back away from the window and we see that he is riding in a large passenger train. A waiter pushes a serving cart down the hallway and asks Showtime if he would like anything. Showtime turns down food, but accepts a glass of water. The waiter reaches into a lower compartment and offers Showtime some games to play. Showtime declines at first.....

The waiter nods his head and pulls out a big game board and lays it on the table for him. Showtime thanks the waiter who continues on about his business. Showtime reaches down into his pocket and pulls out a large, black, 20 sided D&D dice. Showtime studies the die briefly and then rolls it, landing on 18. Showtime moves a small piece across the board and then rolls the die again, this time getting 14.

10 times you state "Showtime." No pronouns like "he" or usage of "David" as the subject of actions, always "Showtime." To me personally, it gets very old and when you use it that much in such a small portion of text it gets very old very quickly. Again, I'm not sure if it's on purpose or you just don't think of it, but nearly every time you simply say "Showtime" I was always filling in my own pronouns because seeing the same noun used over and over was rather annoying.

As for the RP as a whole, honestly I was with you completely all the way up until you turned it into a dream sequence and then you lost me. I don't understand why you turned it into a dream sequence because your scene up until then was great. I think you kind of undermined your whole thesis of "Theron doesn't belong because he's living in a fantasy world" by having the conversation between Becky and Showtime be exactly that; a fantasy. While you may have been trying to do that on purpose to drive the point home I think you missed your mark with bad execution, especially since I don't feel it was needed in the first place. The ending felt very anti-climactic.

All or Nothing

I think at times many of us put in descriptions or actions within the scene that really just aren't all that needed to be honest (I think I still do this too often).

Scene opens backstage at Ascension. The camera zooms in on a door and we see on the name plate that it is the office of WZCW owner Kenneth Banks. The sound of the door handle turning is heard and stepping out of the room is "Showtime" David Cougar. The door clicks shut behind him and he turns and nods his head to the side. The camera turns and we see standing outside the room is John Constantine and Michael Winters. They both nod their heads as the camera pans out to fit all of them onscreen. They turn and walk down the hall and the scene ends.

For the intro, portions in bold I think are things that either aren't needed at all or should be re-written to flow far more smoothly. To me, you do far too much "Morse code" like writing. It's all very stop and go.

"They both nod their heads as the camera pans out to fit all of them onscreen."

Stop.

"They turn and walk down the hall and the scene ends."

These two sentences alone I think can easily be consolidated to flow much better, such as:

As the camera pans out from David to reveal his partners, the three men share a nod before turning down the hall to leave."

One sentence, not a run on (at least I don't think), flows together in a single combination of actions rather than action, stop, action, stop.

Like with the door, I don't think there is any reason to zoom in on the door, describe the name plate, describe the sound of it opening, present Showtime and describe how it was closed. If I were to re-write it, it would be:

The scene opens to the night of Ascension with "Showtime" David Cougar stepping out from the office of WZCW owner Kenneth Banks. Waiting for him outside are his fellow Elite members, Constantine and Winters. As the camera pans out from David to reveal his partners, the three men share a nod before turning down the hall to leave.

You get the important points:

The intro takes place at Ascension.

Showtime was meeting with Banks.

The Elite share a knowing/confirming nod.

They leave.

There's no real reason you need more than that, especially if it doesn't flow smoothly.

And you tend to do what I'm pointing out in the intro everywhere. In the following paragraph, there's really no need to state "the scene reopens," you've already nabbed us, you've already marked a passage of time with the "-------." I tend to feel when people do this (the scene opens here, then it reopens here, then here again) that it's less like I'm reading a story (especially a novel) and more like I'm being told in conversation by someone in person. It just, I dunno... just not my cup of tea. But I feel you definitely need to write your actions/descriptions so that they flow better. There's really no reason for "His head is lowered as if he is in silent prayer." to be its own sentence.

I also felt that really you didn't offer enough attention to the actual tag team match, especially to the other teams. It was an RP for the title at a PPV and I like like 90-95% of your RP was centered solely on how the Elite were going to change things as a whole. Compared to what the other teams did, they devoted at least half of their RP (either balancing out time devoted to all teams or mostly focusing on one) to the actual match or their relationship to each of the other teams. I thought with your RP by leaving your opponents until pretty much the end with only a couple paragraphs that you really just kinda brushed everyone off a bit.

Meltdown Madness

I loved the RP overall and the gun motif... but all the prior feedback holds true for this RP as well except for the last main part. You devoted a good amount of RP time to whatever opposition you might have and you drove it home that Showtime thrives in these environments.

Overall Conclusion:

There's more nouns you can use other than "Showtime," especially if you're planning on repeatedly referencing him multiple times in a row in multiple sentences.

You don't need all the filler sentences.

Make your sentences flow better, this is story writing, not Morse code.

Sometimes you don't put enough spotlight on the match or opponents at hand.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Ok, it's 0240 where I am, and I'm at work doing absolutley nothing so I figured I'd knock out a quick feedback. He didn't ask for it, but I'm doing it anyway.

Beard


Hail to the fucking King.

When I started WZCW, there was this nifty little tag team called The Bearded Talent. Both of the guys in the group were good Rp'ers, and the team meshed really well. Crock decided to bring back Sam Smith (it's a shame he never won the world title before he left but that's another story for another time) and Theo decided to keep trudging in the tag team ranks.

When you first made your heel turn a while ago, (I believe right before the gold rush tournament?) I wasn't a fan. I thought that the beard could just have a good run as a fun loving brute who got pissed off when you insulted his manly goodness.

I was wrong. So very fucking wrong.

This RP blew me out of the water. It's honestly one of the best RP's I've ever read. It had to be to vanquish Ty Burna.

You blasted out one of the most amazing RP's I've ever read, and I'm fucking proud of you for it. Great job man.

 

[Showtime]

Jonathan Hyada

The RP was good. Nothing particularly engaging or exceptional about it, but not much fault to it either. In all my years in WZCW, there are two types of RP's that are commonly used during the Roulette and LL rounds. Casino/Vegas based RP's, and Question Panel RP's. I'm not saying that they don't work or can't be interesting, just pointing that out because they are so commonly used it makes it a little more tricky to stand out. The whole RP was written pretty safe. Hyada and Haven are the super popular new tag team champions. Everything's awesome. The questions were simple and the answers were what you'd expect your character to say. As a roulette round RP, it was fine. This round can be like a reset button, and it gives you a chance to express your character without having to focus on a match or feud. You talked a bit about people you have been feuding with, and opened the door to potential matches. in this aspect, your RP good and by the book. As a Question Panel RP, it was average. There wasn't any conflict to your RP, and that's what kept it from really standing out. There wasn't that prick fan who asks a question trying to get a certain reaction or answer from you. The red heads first question could've easily been that by some overweight comic book geek to address the white elephant in the room, "We all know that Los Magnificos Dragones were inches away from grabbing the tag titles before Amber turned on her partner. Do you really think that you and Haven were the best team in the ring that night and how are you going to prove to everyone that you both should be the tag team champions?" Something to that extent to change up the mood of the RP a little.

I like your use of color when a character is first introduced to represent their dialogue. I've seen people use it before, but it's something I personally don't use. I also like that you Bold the names and key words in your RP, although bolding Older man seemed out of place when red head wasn't. One thing I would recommend is to use some darker colours for dialogue, expecially when using so many different ones in your RP's. There was one that was particularly hard to read, and 3 colours that looked very similar to each other. In an RP with more dialogue between these characters, it could make it a little confusing.

Overall it was a good RP. You have a good writing style, know all the rules to it, and you have a good idea on what your characters voice is and how he would talk. The only real negative is that there wasn't a whole lot to take from this RP. There was no conflict and not a whole lot that was interesting about it. Well written but needed a curve ball question or two in the panel to switch it up. Possibly some reflection from the character. That would've helped make it stand out more.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Feedback for Ascension Anarchy 2014 - AS 79
(Pretty sure I owe a show review somewhere down the line.)



Intro/Chris K.O.:

The beginning was pretty solid. It might have lacked the flair Meltdown Madness had this round with the opening titles, but this one felt much more important with the big question mark the new WZCW Heavyweight Champion The Beard has become, and of course the big reveal with Chris K.O.'s return. When Myles said how he took K.O.'s absence personally and that K.O. was part of the family, I believed it and I don't really know much about K.O. That's great for the people who are still fairly new to the history of this place.

The only thing I'd change about this segment would be to have one of the announcers explain to the people viewing why K.O. is important to the show (especially to the new blood). All I know about him is that he was gone 8 months due to being stranded via plane crash. That's pretty heavy, but tossing a few accolades Chris's way would have felt more special to me. Didn't he once retire Ty Burna or something? That would've been huge to bring up.

Besides that, excellent start. I care about K.O., it was a great return, and the mini-promo for Lethal Lottery looks great. Give the graphics guy a raise.




Cerberus vs. Young Justice promo/Mick Overlast vs. Haven ($5,000 on a Pole Match):

I like the setup for YJ and Cerbs. Having it held elsewhere and giving the announcers a segment to bring it up was something I haven't seen much of on the shows. It was a good way to set the stage for Haven coming into his match, and a reason to have Cerberus and Justice feud. A goofy but classic cake fight works for both parties pretty well.

Not much to critique here, either. Flex deserves more mic time being the more animated guy in the team, and a quiet Ramparte is a quiet Ramparte. I would have given Ram more movement personally *cough favoritism* and maybe throw more Young Justice's way, but all in all this was a good promo for two budding rival teams. I felt Haven's pain for the cake.

On to the match itself. Loved how this one started with the handshake and the attempt to run for the pole on Haven's part. Technically a little underhanded (lulz pun), it was still perfect for the character to do. Good aerial dynamic spot with Haven countering the Dragon Sleeper hold, too. This match was pretty well-written with a great ending with the Top Rope Iron Justice. Mick Overlast looked great even if coming up short and that's what I like looking at in these Roulette Rounds.

And before I can ponder what Haven & Warren are going to do with their prize money from these two rounds, Haven plays Trump/Joker '89 and starts handing out the $$$ to the people. I enjoyed that face move, but Jack Cohen's heel move was hilarious. I like seeing a bit of realism in the fantasy sport, and calling Haven out on how much he has vs. how many he can give to was awesome. The I.O.U.s were a good touch, and that frowny face was even moreso. Gotta love Haven.

I wouldn't change anything in this match personally.





Ricky Segment:

The allusion to Beard's absence was well placed, and seeing Ricky Runn again was fun. With that said, I'm not sure how I feel about this segment. The dialogue was good, but it still felt weird having Runn and Becky Serra in cahoots. Maybe that's what it was going for, but it just came off a little awkward for me. If awkward was the purpose, then this was a worthwhile read. The intrigue is definitely there on what Runn and the new acquisition of Serra will be doing next.



Aubrey Sloan vs. Hyada (Tables Match)/The Elite:

Seeing the Cerberus/YJ promo again was most likely miscommunication on Creative's part. Or maybe they're running it a la "Buy the WWE App" style. Either way, I'm sure they know they goofed there and no reason to drag it out some more.

This is when I noticed how some matches will have themes in spoilers and some will not. For the enigmatic Roulette Rounds, it would make more sense to contain the music in spoilers, especially for big reveals. Or not do it at all. This "some here and some there" is a little disorienting.

Now that I climbed off of my bitch pedestal, I enjoyed the Sloan vs. Hyada match. The false finish was a twist I would never expect from a Tables Match, and the psychology of Sloan being familiar with weaponry like that kendo stick and Hyada not comfortable with such things was excellent writing. Interesting setup for Constantine vs. Sloan as well.

I like stables with a purpose. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about The Elite; not really understanding their purpose other than they're all former Elite X Champions, but after reading this segment I am more of a fan now. With trying to coax Tastic into joining them, and in doing so have the Eurasian Title among their ranks, it was an interesting promo. Classic heel work.



Ramparte vs. Steven Holmes:

I personally felt the talks of Hyada facing Ramparte would have been top-notch, except with Hyada having a match already. Probably more miscommunication. I first read that wondering how that could even remotely be possible. If Hyada had faced Sloan after Ramparte vs. Holmes, that would have worked. But it just seemed confusing this way.

As for the match, oh my shit. Huge reveal I didn't see coming. The spoiler tag was perfectly placed. The exchanges between both the announcers and the two superstars were great and the tension was there. I was particularly fond of the European Uppercuts and the crowd reaction going on. Maybe it's just me having a dog in the fight, but the match was a very exciting read. I'm in agreement with Falk on this one; The Catalyst & The Elite squaring off again or teaming up makes one's naughty bits tingle.

Thank you Haiku for incorporating Ramparte's cross taunt by the way. I don't believe I've seen that on the show until now.





Holmes & Mortlock segment/Mikey Stormrage & Kagura Ohzora vs. Matt Tastic & Dr. Zeus

The segment was short and sweet, but Serra's position still has me a little confused. A nice boo from the audience or something due to her alliance with Runn would have been good see, but in this scene there's no evidence of her turn or relations to The Swag One. I'm nitpicking of course, but like Ramparte would quote, "The Devil's in the details".

Anyways, Holmes gave more reason why he's a legend in WZCW, and a nod to the heel detective Frank Mortlock was cool. This segment was what it was meant to be; a short promo for a returning superstar and a guy that didn't get a match this round.

In true random Roulette fashion, we get a debut, a replacement, and a friendly rivalry all for the main event. Apparently The Beard was supposed to be teaming with Tastic, but he's playing mountain man Waldo right now so his friend(?) Dr. Zeus is fighting in his stead. Great showing by the new Kagura, and nice angle between Tastic & Zeus to set up the loss. Slapping your way in was original as well as the "trip".

My only gripe, and it's a small one, is how finishers are written lately. I understand checking out each superstar's app to see how their moves are performed should be a requirement, but something like this:

She smiles at him and quickly slaps on the Fourth Dance of Toyouke Omikami.

Is written in a very general way that would have casual readers wondering what exactly the finisher looks like. I've noticed this quite a few times with different superstars hitting their finishers. When Pale Riders lift Ty up and Fallout hits the Half-Life, in my mind's eye I thought it was some powerbomb variant. I had to go to Fallout's app, find out it's a fisherman driver, and then Youtube fisherman driver to see what it looked like. It's a small bitch, but instead of just writing that they hit their finisher, why not toss in a few more steps to achieve said finisher? Like:

She smiles at him and quickly slaps on the Fourth Dance of Toyouke Omikami, choking him out! Zeus taps and the match is over!

or

She smiles at him and quickly wraps her legs around his midsection - slapping on the Fourth Dance of Toyouke Omikami. Zeus taps out and the match is over!

It's the little things like the setup that I get hard for.





Ty Burna Segment/Outro:

Great way to end the show. I like seeing old favorites bring in new moves- Ty's Harbinger's Omen seems to parallel Zeus's own submission moves so I look forward to seeing those two go one on one sometime shortly. Mikey coming to Ty's aid seemed a little bit questionable but was a decent enough way of getting Mikey & Ty to team up next week. The Pale Riders are looking tougher each week and they definitely have my attention going into the next show.




Overall:

Very entertaining read. You guys put a lot of work into this and it shows. Everybody came out looking great with the random matchups and this has made me a fan of the Roulette Rounds. Nice going. Minus 5 stars.




tl;dr:

Each match was a good read, and the characters were played how I would imagine them to be. Miscommunication may have been a problem in certain areas, but when it was time for a funny promo, the promo was funny and when it was time for something serious, it was right on the money. Excellent work guys I enjoyed it.

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Kagura Ohzora:

Very good description through the whole RP, I could picture everything happening in my mind as I read and that's always a plus. I get the feeling this is the first time Kagura has been out of Japan in her life and is a young girl still learning the ways of the world. It's an interesting story to see playing out and I hope that's what you're going for here.

The second part of this I have to say I was a little lost at first as to who's point to view we were seeing things from but once I reread it I understood. I couldn't picture Kagura as the type to be in a bar drinking so it was a nice touch to not have her be there. But at the same time it was odd seeing a "promo" not come from the person wrestling the actual match.

It's interesting you went the route of Blade being about to crack, while I don't know what's going on in his RP's, you made it sound like he's gonna turn heel anytime now and I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe it works with what he's been doing. Kagura came across somewhat helpless towards the end of the RP and I wasn't a fan of that. Maybe it's just me but to me it seemed like she's just some young kid who can't handle herself when the going gets tough.

Again just my thoughts, overall it was a good RP though and I look forward to seeing more in the future.

 

[Mick Overlast]

Hyada

I didn't get a chance to return feedback for you last round, so I'm taking the chance to do it here.

Firstly, it's easy to see why Young Justice holds the tag titles; you and Kermit play your roles very well, and while I'm old-school in my ways (I'm more of a realist when it comes to my characters and their actions during "downtime"), I can appreciate what you two have done.

I am interested to see what happens with Hyada and how the Council will view him, especially now that Young Justice knocked off the Elite.

As a former editor, I'm quick to notice errors in punctuation, and I noticed a few of those in your latest RP. Aside from that, there was nothing I saw that detracted from the read, and you were on the winning side, so that confirms my thoughts on that.

I hadn't read a Young Justice RP prior to this round, but I'll be looking in from now on.

 

[Kermit]

Podcast Feedback (Overdue)​

Echelon (Kagura Ohzora)

First, sorry for the delay. Thank you for your patience.

1st RP

This is a solid foundation piece, Ech. You gave us enough about Kagura and her manager, Gozaburo, to build off going into the next RP. I like the stone cutter parable and how you tied the story into your character’s own convictions. I hope you do more of this as I really liked the flow of the parable and then how it relates to the character. Kagura is unique in that she doesn’t know any English. Making her text in Japanese, with translations, might be a bit overkill but I think it would help get the point across that she doesn’t speak the language. Just a thought. Overall, it is a solid piece. I can see why you have won your first two matches with some foundation like this. A very charming character who I want to read more of.

2nd RP

A solid RP here to compliment your first. It makes sense using Gozaburo as a surrogate for talking with interviewers and gathering intel on opponents. However, I’m not sure how I feel about you using first person for both characters in two different instances. I got confused in the beginning of the second part and thought Kagura liked the beer and women at the bar. Something that might be interesting is to have two scenes like you had in this RP, but have one be from Kagura’s perspective, and the other be Gozaburo. For instance, have the English be jumbled up in Kagura’s portion of the RP, but then retell it to have the English be clear in Gozaburo’s part. It’s just an idea.

Darkside (Hyada)

Sorry this took awhile. It’s hard to give good feedback on your RPs since I basically give you continuous feedback through planning. However, I figure your Roulette Round RP is probably the closest I will get to us having two separate pieces.

Roulette RP

This is a solid piece. Granted, some veterans might call the theme overplayed. That theme is the panel asking questions to get Hyada to open up about the upcoming round. Yes, the idea has been done before, and it is basically pitch and catch, but it was executed nicely. The scene fit your character well and it set up your next RP greatly. Sometimes you have to put a nice salad out on the table before you serve a steak. Other than what some might call a “safe” play, and a few technical errors (like the changing of tenses), your RP was solid.

Haiku (Dr. Zeus)

I’m pretty sure I owe you this from the most previous podcast.

I love your RP from this past round, as I feel you do your best work when you have one large foe in front of you to consume Zeus’ thoughts and actions. Zeus works best out of obsession. See: Zeus vs. Kurtesy for an excellent example. There is a charming mystique about this RP that makes me beg for more revelation into Zeus’ plans going forward. I do like the occasional flashback, but present Zeus is far more interesting. Finally, the Fallout touch at the end was well played. It leaves me wanting more, which is all you can ever ask for when reading a piece of literature.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Diabolos/Alhazred

So I know the Diabolos run is at an end, but it was a fun ride. Grandma was one of the better NPCs during his run. I gave your RP a 7.5, compared to the 9.5 Matt Tastic got. I've done RPs where Mikey took a backseat, hell I wrote two RPs that didn't even have Mikey in them and won both matches, so I appreciate the risk you took in placing Diabolos in the background and let your NPCs have the spot light. It wasn't perfect, but they really stepped up and made for an entertaining read. You have this unique style that makes for entertaining RPs. They sometimes tend to be way out there and have little to do with actual wrestling, but I can't remember the last time I read a Skully RP and walked away bored. This one did tip its toes into the wrestling world, but it was still a bit too focused on other things for me to have scored it a winner.

I enjoyed the references. Outside of the quick rundown of other wrestlers, I love the drunken Mario Party reference. Diabolos/Alhazred is rude and crude and hilarious, and this was no exception. Smash the Old Ones in the face with his dick, awesome.

My favorite part of the RP was easily the ending, and I hope the spot Ty and I came up with to pull off the reveal was good for you. I liked this RP, it stood out, and I think if you keep up this level of work we can realistically push you toward a midcard title, which I think people would love, myself included.

Lexi Hayes

First of all, I like Hayes way more than I did Dustin Hunter. Hayes doesn't feel forced, nor does it feel like you are trying too hard.

I do have some issues with the character and with this RP. First off, sometimes the Southern accent feels like its spread too thick. Its just me, but Southern accents drive me crazy. I grew up in the Midwest, it isn't the South, the accents are different. Fuck people.

Okay rant over. My biggest issue with this RP was that you were closely involved with Young Justice, and they got swept under the rug. I get that you wanted to RP to win the Lottery, but in my eyes, I would have scored higher had you focused more on your current storyline as opposed to what you want to do next or just the match.

This is a longer RP than normal for you, but it wasn't bad. I went with a 6.5 for this, and that may seem low, but that is being judged against the entire field. Had this have been a 1v1 or even a triple threat against guys at your position on the card, it would likely result in a win. I think some time away did you good, and while I'm not a huge fan of the goody goody faces, you have potential here if you flesh out the character with some weaknesses at times. You're use of NPCs is better now than it was as well, so keep that up.

Keep this up, continue to take advice, and work your current storyline in and you should be putting up wins.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Ramparte

So this RP was a bit Jekyll and Hyde. The first part was good stuff. The looks back on previous Cerberus moments, the quotes tied to said moments. It made for a good start to an RP. Then for me it sort of went downhill. It wasn't to say it was bad, I just liked the first half much better than the second.

You laid on the images a bit thick. Not to say they are bad, but try to restrict them to once or twice for big occasions as opposed to most RPs. I like to use images myself, but they make a bigger impact when used sparingly. On that same note, basing an RP around a quote works the same way to me. Its like pancakes Just something to keep in mind for not PPV RPs.

The duo of Ramparte and Mussel is a bit of a weird paring, but I was in Strikeforce, I know how satisfying it can be to make two characters who don't seem like they would work and win matches. The two of you usually have a solid synergy, which is a big thing for me when voting on tag matches.

Now for what I feel is my biggest issue with your RPs and your character as a whole. It is obvious you have skill as an RPer, but there are times where you tend to go on and on in your RPs and it gets pretty far away from the actual world of wrestling. There have been times you have RPed and made no mention of your opponents, or even that Ramparte is a wrestler. You tend to write longer RPs, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you have to make people care about what you are writing. If you can smooth the rough edges by staying on point, I think Cerberus could have a long stay in the division.

Derek Jacobs

Stop the grey font and the center text. Vega did it and it drove me crazy.

Okay got the worst out of the way. I'm glad you're going back to DJ. Outside of the first RP, I was never a fan of Corvus. He felt forced and overly dark and dramatic. DJ feels much more human.

Your descriptions are pretty good. You paint a nice picture, and that always makes for a smooth read. On top of that, you seem to have moved away from DJ being your personal journal, which is what appeared to be happening at the end of his first run.

One of the big reasons I wanted to give you feedback is because you didn't write a bad RP. Much like I mentioned with Lexi, had this have been a RP for a regular show it would have been a real contender. You were returning and didnt do a bad job, you just have to make sure you build on what made DJ successful in the first place. You had a decent run to a Mayhem Title shot when he was an angry failed athlete who wanted to make his mark and was a tough as nails bouncer. Obviously he will be a bit more well off, but if you can channel that anger that DJ once had, and not go into New Church/TSA Jacobs, you should get back on track.

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Derek Jacobs:

Not a bad RP here. The whole thing with James felt natural, though I have no idea what got him into trouble in the first place. Maybe it's because I didn't read your LL RP but it would've helped to see it mentioned at least once in this RP what got him into trouble and why he needed the money DJ would get from winning LL.

The ending felt really abrupt and from any DJ RP's I've seen before, I don't recall any love interest in his life. So I'm really confused as to who the text is from but again that may be something that I didn't see in a past RP. Besides the abrupt ending, I would've liked to see more description here. I have this issue too but as I've been told multiple times, description is key.

 

[M]

Good Morning... I've been reading this fed and most of the RPs for a LONG time now (Before I signed up to the forums I know that much) so it's about time I gave out some feedback to the fed since I've followed it for so long. Let's get to it. Teehehe I feel like KB

Dagger: That opening my god... It's really, really good. When I first glanced over the RP I was a little scared at the big paragraphs of one person talking - more on that in the R section of this post - but after reading the first two paragraphs of the Theron recap I was really excited for what would follow it; great job there on drawing me in straight away

Another thing I really liked was the setting up from the very beginning of the RP with the comical tying the shoes together to the Final Fantasy confrontation. That sort of theme-keeping whilst also flowing the story from one place to another is something I wish I could come up with on a regular basis, and I think if you could keep this level of story progression in your RPs you'd probably end up winning some major gold by the end of the year at the very least. Your description throughout those moments is really good too, except for a slight anomaly where you've got 21 separate speech lines before the next line of describing stuff. Just little things like detailing how excited people are with their vocal tone, the waving of hands while talking, people elbow knocking in casual ways and even head/eye swivels are just some stuff that can help get rid of the chance that the reader has a moment of reality and thinks the characters are just standing in a circle speaking their lines. Still an interesting chat to listen to.

Your depiction of The Cutting Tool is beautiful. That is just a genius name. You've inspired my creation for my match with Blade if it ever happens. The dialogue for him was brilliant too, as is the case for almost everyone in your RPs. Almost. The one exception being Theron himself *pause for gasp* and it's kinda hard to explain but I'll try my best. Now, the opening two paragraphs of his speech are brilliant. Why? Because they're laced with an abundance of character, and that's really something that I feel lacks in most of Theron's speaking lines. Everything he says just comes across as so stiff especially when he's around the misfits who have more character than half the WZCW roster when they speak. It's probably not that much of an issue to be perfectly honest but the contrast from everyone else is huge and it hurts the RPs sometimes. He's supposed to be a heroic warrior saving the universe from the evils of WZCW heels via D&D, not the straight man in a stand up comedy troupe. Upon more and more readings of the RP, it's certain that he does indeed have his moments - especially towards the end - but when taken as a whole it's still present.

Overall still a very very good RP and one I think Blade would have had some big trouble coming up against.


R: Now this is an odd one... It's good. Ha. Done. Nah that would be mean, I'll just highlight the good and the bad of this one and trust I can explain what I mean properly.

GOOD: The transitions from talking to daddy -> arriving in Melbourne -> shopping -> modelling -> interview were done nicely and gave the RP's story a good flow to it. Your description is alright, although it could be improved on - you faced the best descriptor in the fed this week so read his and try to pick up the methods behind it. Lexi sticks to her character like superglue and it really works for her I must admit, just on the edge of annoying while keeping the Sandy Cheeks essence which is hard to pull off so kudos on that. The story of your RP made sense and was a direct nod to your opponent which I'm sure would have gathered you some strong marks from creative, and that promo of yours was on touch as well with some good points.

BAD: Ok not so much bad bad, more off centre than bad, but there's two things I didn't like in the RP: The flow of the promo and the sheer amount of stuff happening in one RP. It just feels that that there could have been little touches of description during the promo, as I alluded to in the Dagger bit; I was scared by the lines of speech. To write a bunch of spoken words without any description is something that should only be done in the event you feel as though the character is saying stuff that is that important and that interesting that nobody would ever be able to stop themselves reading the whole thing in one shot, and unfortunately there's too many breaks in the flow for there to not be something to add to it. Go back and read the largest bits in the promo near the end of the RP and imagine what Lexi's doing in between the sentences she speaks - 32 New Zealand cents say it would look better with those things she's doing being written there as description. The other thing I had a bit of a problem with is the fact that you've got this massive amount of stuff going on but half of it's either not interesting or could be cut down and streamlined. The story IS good, but do we need to read the opening two scenes? A few sentences could have explained why Jessica was there and she could have popped up behind her to surprise her on her way to H&M or something and say dad flew her there. Nothing too big of a problem but in the future try to stick to the interesting parts that are on point with your match or story arc and work on eliminating the other stuff. Yes I know I'm the biggest culprit of this in the fed but screw you I'm M

Pretty much overall it's a good RP that would have shaken FalK if it were more refined - you've improved immensely from when I first read you so stay proud man

 

[Dave]

As promised for winning the prediction competition.

Dorian Slaughter

I voted: For you

I think the first thing I want to talk about, is how well you write your environments and your description. The first few sentences of actual description is really strong and it is something that I have come to like about your work. Description really is the best way of telling your story and keeping the reader with you, so I have to give you some credit for that.

Your dialogue is also very natural. One of the problems I have with Constantine, is trying to make what is said believable. It sometimes takes me a while to ensure that I have that down but it seems effortless for you. Dorian's interactions with the guard are really interesting. It was awesome to see someone so serious, like Dorian, interact with someone who has that “hick” persona. I really liked that. And when you intertwine that dialogue with really good descriptive work, it really helps this RP to work.

As for the content, it was good to have a look at Dorian's former life, working in the factory. It felt as though Dorian was more human, even if the point of the RP was to prove that he was the opposite. I liked that you went down this route, going back and getting retribution for the sins of his past; it was a nice touch.

However, I would like to have seen you mention the match a little more. I appreciate that talking about the match was never going to fit into your RP at any natural point. But, I do feel as though putting it in at the end was unnatural. I mean, how would a security guard who spends his time watching The People's Court know anything about Kagura? He wouldn't. My only gripe about this piece of work, is that I would much rather he didn't mention the match at all, rather than talking about it when it didn't seem natural.

Still, this was a really good RP and you should be proud of it. I'm intrigued to see where the future of Dorian Slaughter lies.

 

[GI Cake]

Veejay: (CyberPunk)

The Good:

I like the Veejay character a lot. Or at the very least I like the gimmick and how much potential you have with a character like Veejay, once you get your RP legs under you, I can see Veejay fitting in anywhere on the card.

The RP itself has a simple, but effective setting. One on one interviews can allow you to grow your character, add some witty one liners you couldn't fit in some montage or monologue. Be warned, unless Veejay is a talk show host I wouldn't use this setting for every RP.

The Bad:

The first thing that popped out to me in your RP was the way you described the dialogue in your RP. You alternated between describing it before you wrote, and then after. While I'm not a fan of "Veejay (laughing): *insert Bollywood stuff here*" you should stick with one.

The Ugly:

My biggest complaint with this RP is that you had Veejay wreck the set of the show. To me, you have a character just oozing with that cowardly heel potential. Except it felt like you tried to be more Batista when your character is much better fitted for Ric Flair/Miz heel. Unless of course you wanted to make Veejay look like a cranky, pissant like Chris Brown, then you're on the right track.

You also managed to mention very little about Frank Driscoll. When I was on creative, I voted for the RP that had more substance about their opponent(s) than I did on the RP that was more about the character. You got work to do, but you have a very solid foundation broseph.

Swiggity Swaggity Rating:

Three gold chains outta five chrome wheels.

 

[Kermit]

Veejay (CyberPunk)

I should have put a note in my feedback offering that I don't offer it up to my current opponent, as I usually don't. However, I'll make an exception for my blunder.

Your RP blended character development well with your current happenings in the fed. Your gimmick is fresh and interesting. That aspect helps people get sucked into your work. Add that with the fact that you are a fine writer and you have a lot going for you. The only negative critique I have is that I felt some sympathy for Veejay by the end of your RP. That feeling clashed with the personality of the rich heel snob that your character possesses.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Shotaro:

Someone seems quite angry.

When I saw that you were my opponent this week I smiled, because I knew you would deliver a good RP to return against as well. Even though it's not very long, the anger that Howard feels really comes out, as well as the...psycho I guess haha. Thanking the man that broke your neck after beating the hell out of him is pretty damn cool. As far as the formatting, spelling etc. goes, I didn't really notice any errors. A little on the short side, but in my opinion it tells the story of why you came back nicely.

And you're welcome, by the way.

 

[Shotaro]

Derek Jacobs

I like the overall style of the RP. I think it fits quite nicely with the character. I'm not a huge fan of the ending though, it just feels off and wouldn't flow very well in an actual promo. It feels like playground one-upsmanship. I'd also like to hear more about what Derek wants to achieve with his return.

Overall it was a solid return RP, and it shows your development as a writer quite nicely. I do think it would benefit from some more description but otherwise a solid effort. Look forward to seeing how this one plays out.

Charlie

The flashbacks are a neat idea, and when used well they can be a really effective tool. Remember that for some people this might be the first RP of yours that they have read so a large cast relative to the relatively low word count can be a little disorienting, who are those people? Why do they matter? Is one of them Charlie? These are all questions that should be unambiguous and your RP would improve massively by either fleshing them out or dropping them altogether. (I suggest the former)

The promo with Kensworth is also decent, if functional. You need to describe what Charlie is doing a little more, Kensworth is a great character and if you use him well he can be a real asset. Use his well-established character to your advantage. There are a few grammar mistakes scattered about the piece but I would guess that they are either deliberate or that English is not your first language. It adds a sense of realism to Charlie's words but it can be a bit jarring to see those errors with Leon. Again this is a minor thing but if you can nail it for Kensworth and keep the hallmarks of ESOL for Charlie it will make your character really shine.

 

[Con T.]

Ramparte

Viva Barbosa!

Actually, to be fair, this is pretty different from what Barbosa did. Certainly similar, but very much done in your style. Frankly, there seems a lot of frustration, a lot of anger, which works for this piece. The internal monologue...the conversation between the id and the ego is a difficult one, and I think you pull it off pretty well. I like the contrast of this larger than life, Oprah style host, as compared to the true Ramparte. The conversation itself is filled with so many of Ram's subtle little putdowns, like...

Also a guy Flex "Eve's Squeeze" Mussél beat not too long ago all on his own. Think you can walk away with a victory this time?

I mean, your partner did...

That's a nice touch, that not only gives us a view into the psyche of The Catalyst, and also sows the seeds for dissension down the line with Flex.

A word of caution, though... Be wary of going overboard, when doing the self vs. self concept. I remember doing it against Kurtesy, in the submission match that we had. At some point, I really hit the concept too hard on the nose, and it cost me (for the record, my only loss to FalKon ). At this point, I feel it may have gone a tad over the top:

A paper champion you mean. Why, it's just like the WZCW Hall of Fame Ceremony all over again, isn't it? The butt of the joke. A total S.H.I.T. stain. And when you lose once more, how much further will your paranoia go? Is there even a bottom for a bottom feeder?

I'M NOT THE BUTT OF JOKES. I AM THE END OF EVERY SENTENCE, THE NARRATOR HIMSELF! AND I WILL TEAR APART THE CARDBOARD MAN! I DON'T NEED A LIBRARY OF KNOWLEDGE TO DO IT, EITHER...ALL I NEED IS THIS!!!

The outburst from The Catalyst is fine, though maybe there was a more silent, threatening way for the outburst to come. I'll be honest, I hate all caps, so this is just a me criticism. But there's plenty of ways I think you could do shouting, if that is the intent, without all caps. Maybe change the size of the font, place it in italics? I saw you do it in Ramparte's quieter moments, why not his explosions?

Also, I feel Ram the host gets a little on the nose with his last little jab, in quotes. I think by this time, the reader gets Ramparte's insecurities, and how they're preying on his mind. I would have preferred a sarcastic little barb, maybe a subtle little acknowledgement that Ramparte hasn't done much without Cerberus, if that's where you're going.

Overall, a really solid job. I think you realized you needed to bring your A game against one of the best writers in the fed (who, to be sure, was pretty damn good, too. Miko used an almost prose like language in this RP which was beautiful, but could have stood to break up his RP with some dialogue). And I feel like this was some pretty damn good stuff, all in all.