RP Feedback Thread

[Dave]

Blade

To be honest, I don't have a lot of negatives about this RP, so I'm not sure how helpful it'll be. But sometimes it's good to get a little pat on the back when you do something well. And this is your pat on the back.

The beginning of the RP is really strong and something that I really enjoyed reading. I guess it set up the whole RP and the idea of Blade being a target but it is much more than that, if you want it to be. I, for one, was very interested in what was going on and how Blade found himself in that situation. Perhaps in the future you can look into this and give us all a look into Blade's past.

Although I do feel as though you reached for the link between the two segments a little, I think you get away with it. I like that Becky and Blade are on this journey together and that you have a common line of continuity going through your recent work. I didn't feel as though Blade had moved on past the idea of last week until the very end and I guess that would be the only negative of this work. It's all very "stable".

That said, I really enjoyed the diatribe about Stone, that's the real guts of the character and a welcome addition to the RP. I got the feeling that Blade hated Stone, much more than just words frankly. What I also like is the call back to last week's later half of the RP in the last line of this piece of work. I'm glad that segment meant something to Blade and it looks as though you're going to be building on it.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Here we go for this round:

Dave/Bobby Adams

With your RP's, I've never really seen a lot of grammar mistakes, so I won't address that here. What I will address is the story. In short, I liked it a lot.

Bobby Adams in my mind is the small town guy who's finally made the big time, but is trying so hard to remain the same person. But on the other hand, he's so... I guess starstruck that he blows off his family to live out his dream. Very compelling stuff in my opinion.

The Stark Talent Agency card at the end was a nice touch, as it leaves us with something to look forward to.

The only negative I saw in this RP was that I didn't notice a lot of conversation or even Bobby talking about his match this week. Personally, I like a little acknowledgement of what's going to happen, but that doesn't hurt this RP at all really, just personal preferance.

If I had to grade this RP, I'd give it a B.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Round 2:

Blade

You are very slowly turning into one of my favorite RP'ers, and that's because of material like this. The story was sp good that your opponent decided to quote half of it(lol) and there really weren't any spelling/grammar/formatting issues that I could see. I believe that ypu have a very firm grasp on Blade's new character, and it shows with stuff like this.

Rating: A

 

[Beastmode 24]

Round 3:

JGlass/Saboteur

Ok, I have a small confession to make.

I'm a Saboteur mark.

I confess. Every time Sabotage comes on my iPod, I think of Saboteur and I laugh my ass off. Every. Time. He's become possibly my favorite character in the fed.

This RP is just another example of why. Saboteur becoming a nun and teaching kids about the Bible? Best thing ever.

With you, like Blade and Dave, there weren't a lot of formatting/grammar/spelling issues so I could focus more on the story. Honestly, you've fought Sacrificial Altar/New Church so much that I'm surprised you're not sick of it. But you always have a story to tell. And you tell it brilliantly.

(PS) Favorite line of this RP:

"Jesus leaves his firearms at the door!"

 

[GI Cake]

Krypto (Dynamite)

I don't know how I feel about this RP in all honesty. I really enjoy the premise, namely targeting one of the more central aspects of Tastic's gimmicks and making it a focal point of an RP is all jolly and good. I just feel the execution was a bit... off? Wasn't exactly on-point and you could have done more with it in my opinion.

I personally am not a fan of an entire RP being around only one conversation. It just feels really crammed and even more so when the RP ends with such a drastic change of pace.

How do I feel about this RP compared to Tastic? While he felt so much more on point with the theme of his RP, I felt it could have done better with some trimmer. The odds between you and Tastic is about the same as flipping a coin.

 

[GI Cake]

Theron Daggershield (Dagger Dias)

I personally like the premise of the character, I really do. But holy shit you sure do your best to make sure I don't like your RPs with the character, that's for sure.

I'm not a fan of Final Fantasy, but I have always been super interested in trying out D&D and here I think "Well maybe Theron can help me get interested in the world of D&D, afterall this is from the perspective of someone who really loves the game. Know what happened? I became utterly bored out of my mind.

What caused this boredom? It took you around 1,400 words before you even began getting into the realm of how the RP relates to who you are facing against.

1,400 words. 1,400 words the reader could have done without. I understand you want to set the tone for the RP, and all while trying to generate your supporting cast for your character, but they are just that. Supporting characters. Thriller could have written like 5 RP's in just the first 1,400 words you used. Building three-dimensional characters/real characters that are around Theron is good, but it is not important. What is important, is Theron, and whoever he faces.

Speaking of supporting characters, I'm gonna go into Neep. Neep only makes one sound, and that sound is its name. That's cool, however if a character or in this case a pet is trapped with only one word, you need to use tone and emotion to define if Neep is happy, sad, startled, or excited. That way at least the reader can have a rough understanding of how Neep is feeling.

I'm usually not a fan of graphics, but I feel like the Babba Dingo fight scene graphic did a fantastic job of setting the pacing of the RP, and honestly works really well given the character, but again here's where the RP hits a rough patch for me.

The entire fight scene that played out like a RPG fight. Which is really cool, but at the same time, I think you missed a real chance here to land a critical hit on Grizzly Bob. Your promo could have had the bear using it's raw strength, tearing through your team, and have Theron pull a Cena and hulk out to beat the bear. You're a surprisingly creative guy and I don't doubt you can make that aspect of the RP work out.

Of course which leaves the final bit, the bit where Theron pops back to reality. Or in this case your promo bit which was around 400 words. That's suppose to be the meat of the RP and it was short lived, and the warp to reality wouldn't have been needed if you condensed the promo somewhere into the rest of the RP.

How does this fair against Grizzly Bob? While Grizzly's RP was more cookie cutter than your more creative one, he stayed on point and got what needed to be said done and managed to do it with much less filler.

Overall, you do have a great character and a really good grasp on it, but holy Yeezus get to the point and cut out all the filler please.

 

[GI Cake]

Corvus (Meeks)

As everyone else has said Corvus > Derek Jacobs. Though that doesn't mean this RP was all that good either, but I'll get into that right now.

So we have Corvus, a man on a mission for justice, and redemption. Who while has a strong moral compass compares Joey Sexton to a pedophile? Don't get me wrong, I think that is really cool that you're tying real life current events into your RP, but man did you really jump "playboy" to "plays with boys" pretty freaking quickly. In the end, I think that is what hurt the RP the most.

See with a guy like Sexton, I don't think it would be too uncommon for him to smack a backstage workers butt, or give a waitress a hard time, and with Corvus being so high strung both are good enough reasons to pull out that black baseball bat and go to town. Just making the jump to child molester was so startling that it just took away from what was a really average RP.

 

[Blade]

Let's get to it, kids!

Fallout:

- Very good description, and an interesting insight into Fallout's mind. Your understanding of your character is the most basic thing you need to be successful as an RPer, and you're already at a pretty good level in that regard.

- Minor gripe, but that colour you used for Myles strains the eyes a bit. A simple red, blue or green would work much better.

- Threatening NPC's is something that's a little frowned upon in WZCW. Bring in a one-time only NPC for that kind of thing, maybe someone who works for Myles, or a random higher up from the WZCW offices.

- I always thought of Myles as a Triple H-esque 'best for business' kind of guy. He's a business man, trying to make money. So I'm not sure he would put a match together where he encourages two wrestlers to hurt each other. But that's just my personal feelings on it.

- As I reached the end of the scene, I'm not entirely sure why Fallout went to see Myles. He didn't request anything, he just threatened Myles. Was Fallout worried he wasn't going to get a match or something?

- Stacey is more likely to write like that than Becky. Just saying.

- If it's an intentional character attribute, then Fallout's mood swings are interesting. Although, don't have him constantly talk about inflicting pain, it comes as a little one note.

- My final point is that Fallout isn't quite as defined as he should be as a character. Sometimes he seems perfectly human in the way he speaks, and the words he chooses. Other times he's the monster that you seem to be aiming for. You need to pin down a specific dialogue style for Fallout and keep it consistent. An alright RP, considering you're so early into your e-fed career.

Dustin Hunter

- Chris K.O. is relatively well written in this RP, but Hunter comes off as a little immature in comparison, especially with lines like "Give me that back! You can't just take my personal property!"

- It's an odd mix in style between mysterious and more down to earth. You build up this enigmatic, shadowy higher power that is supposedly controlling Hunter, but K.O. can just visit him at a random hotel?

- I'm not sure why K.O. would brag about taking out Flynn. That's more like another day at the office.

- I've never really understood what you're trying to do with the Azazel character, but I must admit he's starting to interest me in the way he talks to K.O.

- And then everything got a little weird. Hunter has a crush, K.O. is threatening to kill someone. It all got really surreal.

- Pretty decent promo near the end. There were a couple of grammatical and spelling errors, so keep an eye out in future. K.O. and Hunter have potential. But you've got to really get me interested in this angle.

James Howard

- The intro paragraphs were really good. I read all that and was getting settled into what I thought would be a good, decent length RP.

- But it just dropped off from there. The conversation with Leon felt thrown together, and there was some lazy editing and formatting on your behalf. Some grammatical errors too. Plus I figured there'd be more to say after the rollercoaster few weeks Howard has had. I was a little disappointed by this RP, especially after how strong it started out. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm sure you know this wasn't exactly your best effort.

Corvus

- Honestly, you could just read the feedback I gave you last round and most of it would still apply to this round.

- Corvus is quite a defined character. We as readers understand what's motivating and driving him and what he wants to achieve. He is a good man who's been through some bad times and wants to make the world a better place.

- With that said, there's still a heel edge to him that I don't think works. There's a darkness to Corvus' words that irk me. Being a face character with a dark side can certainly work, if done properly. But Corvus sounds like he's a little unstable, like he might lose it and attack someone at some point. So I think he needs to be a little more like Batman and a little less like Bane, if that makes sense.

- Overall, a strong RP that build on your first RP quite well. It's not a traditional RP in that you didn't use any description, but it worked. I'm afraid there's not much else to say cause there weren't any huge negatives with your RP. Nice work.

Joey Sexton

- Dude, don't write any dialogue in black. That's e-fedding 101.

- The opening scene was pretty entertaining. Ridiculous, but entertaining. I guess like the Sexton character himself.

- The names of the Mexican promoter and wrestlers was great, if possibly a little racist.

- Are Carlos Danger jokes still relevant?

- You've got a good character and you're a good, funny writer. You do the basics really well, black dialogue aside. Keep going and improving and you'll do well. Not much else to say, a solid, funny RP.


Okay, that's it for today. I'll get around to Zeus tomorrow cause I feel his RP deserves a post of it's own. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? We shall find out tomorrow....

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

The change from Fallout's speaking styles is attributed to multiple personality disorder (or at least it's something I'm trying to go for.) But thanks for that Blade.

Here's part 1/3 of my feedback.

Corvus:

Already gave you some feedback via PM, so I might be echoing a lot.

I love the writing style in this RP. Corvus has a really interesting personality and, while Jacobs was never a bad character, I just find Corvus to be much more interesting and gripping.

The only 2 gripes is like I mentioned before in the PM: The consistency, where he's tailing Mark Davis, then 2 hours later, he's suddenly back in his apartment. Did I miss something, or was this supposed to happen? I'm quite interested to see the results of the tailing in a later RP, instead of just veiling it for no apparent reason apart from keeping the RP shorter.

The other one is the "See, where Coberer and Fallout are intimidating in their own right, they don't prey on innocent women and young girls that are barely old enough to buy tobacco, let alone do the things Joey Sexton wants to do." line. I like the mention of my character (ego) but if you draw Fallout or Coberer in the next round, you might have slight problems writing Corvus in the next round. It can be circumvented but it could have been avoided.

Still, I liked the RP and I love Corvus. He has the potential to go very far in the fed.

Zeus:

I love how Zeus thinks he's an agent of God. It expands on his general insanity even more, that he thinks the things he is doing is right. Keep this aspect but don't overplay it of course.

In general, I love the first section because of Zeus's reaction. You keep the obvious elements but you also added some unexpected parts to it as well. I really admire that.

As for the first person view...I've got to be honest, I didn't like it. Not because it wasn't well written because it was well written. I really liked the content as well, and it opens up more possibilities for the character. It's just that it could have easily been done in third person too, and it's a little bit too repetitive and long. If you're going to do first person Zeus again, make it much shorter, because it becomes too clunky otherwise.

That being said, I really like that you decided to experiment with Zeus instead of just doing the same format over and over again, even if I didn't like it and I'm glad that Zeus is just as interesting, if not more interesting than he was before with his recent loss.

Dustin Hunter:

I think it's really unfair that you've been dubbed a jobber by some. You're clearly a decent RP'er, and I quite like the Dustin Hunter character. I'm glad that you and Kermit are working together as you do have a lot of potential.

I liked the opening segment on the whole, but 2 gripes: 1: It made Hunter look weak. I guess it was OK in the fact that he was forced to take K.O to Azazel, but still, try to set yourself apart instead of being a weaker guy. This can be countered by showing Dustin's thought process a little more instead of just having descriptions and lines. It's one of the reasons I use a second person viewpoint for Fallout, flipping back and forth between thought processes. Have Hunter think of usurping K.O or something around those lines.

The other one is a little more minor, but the dialogue is a little too sophisticated and not as natural. Example being "Give me that back" could easily just be "Give that back". I noticed this with Azazel too, fluciating between sophisticated and natural. It's not a huge deal, it's just something that makes the RP feel a little more real.

Couple of grammar errors too.

I like this second scene too, as it leaves a lot of questions to be answered. I wouldn't completely ditch Azazel, but keep him out of the picture for a while.

The ending was OK, but it was a little soft. It was also a little face-like in parts. Best way to counter that is to make Hunter say very heelish things when in doubt.

Overall, it's a great progression in Dustin Hunter's story and one of your best RP's to date.

 

[Dave]

Corvus

The absolute first thing that strikes me about this piece is the formatting. Now, I know that a lot of people don't really care for centrally justified text but I don't actually mind it. If it works for you and gives your piece a little bit of grandiose, then so be it. What does irk me, is that everything is the colour blue. I'll tell you why that bothers me. Basically, you've used the colour to represent that Corvus is thinking to himself or at least using it to differentiate his speech from that of other people. Except that no one else talks in the RP. Another factor in this, is that "2 hours later" is in blue also. Did Corvus think that? No. That could have been just left normal, as far as I see it. Lastly on this, I personally believe that if you are using an inner monologue, you shouldn't be using brackets. No one's mind works like that.

Still, that's that out of the way. The first part of the RP reminds me a lot of Dexter strangely enough. The stalking of the target, the making sure that they don't have any close ties. It's all very Dexter Morgan. But I love Dexter, so that's cool with me.

I like that you're still ploughing ahead with telling the story of Corvus as well as trying to tie that gimmick in with what is happening week to week. That's the game we're all playing and you're doing it well if you ask me. What I hope you are also doing, is stretching out the vengeance that Corvus wants on his target instead of starting it and ending it in this cycle. It's really interesting, albeit dark.

Lastly, I can see what you were trying to do with story about the teacher and Joey Sexton. The background of sex-starved persona is what ties the two characters together. But I do think it was a bit of a stretch to compare Sexton to a paedophile / someone who should feel guilty about a girl committing suicide. Still, I do see what you were trying to do with that and you should know it doesn't offend me. I just think that you reached too far for the comparison.

That said, it's a decent RP. The writing is fairly strong and the message is compelling. The gimmick is really entertaining and this is a good build on last week for the character.

James Howard

As I read this RP, I can't help but think that everything seems very rushed and not detailed enough. Given how detailed your writing usually is and the fact that you posted this at 11pm on the deadline day, I think it is fair to say that you didn't really have the time to delve into these details like you normally would. Reading it, I personally feel as though there was scope to write some golden stuff and you just jump from location to location, discussion to discussion. Seems a bit odd really, especially give how detailed you normally are.

Formatting is fine, except you missed out the second half of Leon's speech three times. You also made a little bit of description coloured when Howard was waiting for his drink also.

In terms of the content and writing, it is really good. I love what is going on with Strikeforce right now and I can wholeheartedly believe that Leon wanted to meet Howard to talk about it. I love the way the conversation is written and what Howard says. It's a really simplistic RP but it works. Howard is obviously hurting after the week he had and you can feel that with the writing.

This is a good RP that lends itself to building on what has happened the week previous. A few negatives but nothing much to worry about really.

 

[Dirk]

Before the show "airs", I should sneak this one in I owe you.
David Whitman / Slice
*Nice kayfabe discussion as introduction. Thanks for keeping kayfabe Simple enough touches around it to properly create the feeling of a phone call.
*Eerie motivational speech to follow. The line of rhetoric present in Drake "becoming the company" I thought was a very good approach to take for the newer Whitman, especially with Drake apparently tweening now. I like how the mystery of the speaker was played up with the formatting.
*The plot after David woke up was interesting and I liked the way you wrote GM. He did seem just a shade too nice for my liking, though.
*Your descriptions are always beautifully vivid. This was no exception, I felt like I was there in the room with GM and Whitman.
*The weakest part of this very strong RP was probably the line of thought concerning Callahan. Having been reminded of how important focus on the match at hand is myself, this is a thing I'm observant of now. All I got was "Callahan is (figuratively) short-sighted, so he'll make a mistake. My suggestion would be to link an easy mistake Callahan might make to something along the lines of the "TSA cancer" eating away at him when he lets his guard down ...or something like that. GM's likening TSA to invincible death was powerful, but it sort of went over my head (why is TSA death?) in the end.
*All in all, it was a genuinely riveting read. I don't even know how long it was - it breezed by, yet it was plenty meaty.

 

[Con T.]

Joey Sexton

If you want the feedback, I surely don't mind. I like the chance to give some input when needed, and since you wanted feedback the last round, I thought I'd give it this round to you.

The Good

The jokes are fairly funny here. I laughed at the Iraqistan, I figured a Syria joke was coming, but still found it humorous. There are some funny bits in here I appreciate, and there's a certain humor when you aren't trying too hard

But I digress. We'll get to that...

The end of the promo, with him talking about the match was fine. In fact, it was the best part of the RP. If we had just that, honestly this RP would have been short but just fine. Actually, if we had more of that, and less of the really forced jokes, this RP would be ok.

That didn't happen though. So without further ado:

The Bad

Every fucking thing else. Namely, the shoot jokes. they weren't funny, tbey felt forced, and they added abso-fucking-lutely nothing to the story. Listen, we get it; you wanted to do a quasi shoot on last week. And that's perfectly fine. You know how just did an awesome quasi shoot? Vega. And even after him, Matt Tastic had an awesome one on the shows.

Wanna know the difference? Vega and Tastic come across like they had a point; this was a heavy handed attempt to address the fed, which was frankly purposeless.

Seriously, what did you hope to accomplish during the first part of your RP? Like, what were you expecting to get over? Did you think we all think it'd be cute, and that we'd all give the win because shootin', brother.


No, all that got over was that you're still butthurt over the Corvus decision. At least, that's the feeling I get. And I'm not trying to say this to be mean, it's the way your writing comes across. I think Sexton can be successful, and if you want to pick my mind on what makes Sexton good, I'd love to talk shop. But if you're gonna give this shite, then fuck that noise. We already had a try hard who's gone, and I really don't think we need that slot replaced. We're cool without it.

And while I'm at it:

Spoiler

What we said last week? It isn't because we wanted to hurt you or change your character. I couldn't give a flying fuck what happens to Joey Sexton, I really couldn't. We gave advice, because frankly, we're better at this than you. Ok? We just are, and we know what we're talking about. If that makes me sound preachy, I really don't give a fuck. But the truth is, we're offering advice, because we want to see people doing well writing. Because when you put on better writing, you will win more matches, and probably be a lot happier.

The truth is, people like Blade and Jglass (people who are on creative, by the way, and know their shit)? They know good RP's, and they know shitty RP's.and if I can tell when an RP'er bites the hand that feeds them, they sure as shit can, too. My honest advice is that if you're going to not take advice, I can tell you the pattern. You're writing will continue to be mediocre, which results in losses, which will result in more anger, which will repeat this pattern, until you're Joe Mason. Don't be Joe Mason.

If people are going to offer you advice (like making character fonts another character, for everyone's sake), the least you can do is consider why they're offering the advice they did. Instead, you took be petulant route, the one in which is probably going to get you even more people annoyed at you. If you don't like the advice, fine. But don't waste everyone's fucking time asking for feedback, when you can't even be assed to consider it.

 

[Infinity]

Joey Sexton

I actually just gave him rep for his RP, and mentioned in the comment that I didn't hate it as much as Zeus did. I didn't hate it at all. I do, however, feel that there was a bit too much transparency in his character's douchebaggery. I thought, had he gotten a little more creative with either the dialogue or presentation, then it would have helped his RP leaps and bounds.

His, not so subtle, commentary by his "agent" on what WZCW wants, however, is completely wrong. I mean, out of all the champions in this company right now, I'd argue that I'm the only one that even vaguely represents the "dark & gritty" persona he's talking about... I mean, S.H.I.T. & Saboteur couldn't be further from it. That portion was a blatant slap in the face to Meeks, and I didn't care much for it.

Every piece of commentary he had in his RP in regards to the fed's reaction to his bitch fit last week could have worked, if handled better. This was just too transparent at times. The skill is there, the delivery was just... ugh.

I thought the final part where he cut a promo against Bobby Adams and Fallout was fine. Just fine, though really... but that's more on me than on him. I'm just not a huge fan of a blatant promo in RPs, which is why I went about it the way I did in my RP this week. Either way, what Sexton was saying in his promo portion was actually pretty good. The notion that he'd be doing WZCW a favor by getting rid of Fallout because he thinks he's ugly was shallow, which works 100% for the character. I laughed at the mention of his dong, and cringed (in a good way) when you mentioned Syria and the chemical attack. It got a visceral response out of me, and that's good.

The bit on Bobby Adams... I have to admit, I think I only read Dave's first RP with Bobby thus far... so I'm not fully up to date with what his character is going through... but I get the idea. Problems with the wife at home. Sexton commenting on that was absolutely great. So sleazy, so fitting for the character. The one part I did hate about the promo portion, though... was the tights Sexton revealed.

Dude, that is a BLATANT rip off of the Rick Rude/Jake "The Snake" Roberts feud from back in the day. Get creative, man.

If anything sticks with you from this feedback, let it be this. You are talented in writing, but your delivery lacks creativity thus far. Go about improving without being a dick and there will be a future for you here without a doubt. It's all up to you, though.

 

[Con T.]

Alright, let's do this bitch....

Grand Mystique:

Initial Reaction: You have yourself set nicely for your angle with Drake Callahan. I think you've done a fairly good job of building up an explanation as to "why" and what TSA benefits from the angle. This may have been a case of addition by subtraction, as DC having to leave was a benefit for the angle. Any time you lose a good RP'er, it's a blow, but having Callahan be the one to take him out adds a certain steam to the angle.

Interestingly enough, the backstory led to some of the best moment's of your cycle, and the worst. The interaction between Gerard and Ty Burna was good, as was a great amount of your RP this week. It actually made out TSA as a threat; granted, it was Thrash, but using him as an example for the fed is always good. It provides a continuity between shows I always appreciate.

As I intimated earlier, I wasn't the hugest fan of the first RP you did, but it's for a reason I think you'll agree could be a problem. I've noticed in a lot of RP's, you've really wanted to get DC, Whitman, and Westhoff over. Namely, you've focused on Whitman and DC, as they're the so called new guys. Your first RP was well written, but all the while, I wondered why DC or Whitman didn't write it. I know you want to explain their backstory and why they're in TSA, but that's gotta be their job to do, man. You gotta focus on yourself, and get over yourself in the RP. And sometimes, I fear you don't do that enough. Focus on yourself, then do what you must with Whitman and DC.

James Howard

I think you've gotten over exactly what you wanted, in your feud with KO. I also think you've been saddled with an arduous task, in balancing KO and Mikey Stormrage. Again, I'm a major fan of continuity, so that always earns some points.

The best thing about your RP's is how well you paint the image of Howard's stability (meaning, he's on his last strings). I can imagine that having two write storyline's in one has been taxing IRL, and it comes out in the writing. You have to find your best friend, all the while dealing with KO and his minion, and on top of that, your real life (Dinah and the baby).

In fact, I wish that was highlighted more; It was a huge part of the selling points of your KC RP's, and why I actually had you pegged for a deep run into the tournament. The dynamic of James and Dinah, dealing with his rage issues, makes for a compelling story, one in which you can see James' weakness. Not highlighting that as much as possible actually hurts your RP's this round; I wanted to see how this affected James' personal life. I was always told, but never shown.

I imagine last round's shortness was designed to show Howard's stunted train of thought; good on you if it was. But I wouldn't have minded seeing a crumbling personal life of Howard. Someone who's really grown on me is Bobby Adams (spoiler alerts when I do yours Dave; you've gotten over on me), because I can see what being on the road has done to his personal life. You have so much more ammunition, yet I don't see you pulling the trigger. And I hope you do, for the Redemption round.

And for this one:

Theron Daggershield

I always love when people add non-writing elements to your RP. It's why Chastity sings, why I always like to implement music in my RP's, that sort. I'm very glad that you're using (self made, for that matter) photos to your RP's, because it actually immerses me in the world. I also really enjoy that you can balance the real world and the D&D world pretty damn well. It's something I struggle with (Zeus' drunk hallucinations of heaven and hell), so you pull it off really damn well. The fact that Tiffany and Theron can have a smoke break and break away from the fantasy world is good; I always like when we get a look behind the curtain and see what ails' the superstar this week. It's partially why I enjoy James Howard so much. Also, the enemy you fight, I can see the connection to Holmes, and how they relate. It's something I notice you do, and I appreciate it.

My biggest complaint is that the battle scenes are very long. You've done a decent job cutting some of the characters and making it reasonable (difficult, given the manner of D&D), but when you read the battle scene, it reads a gigantic wall of text. Spoiler alert again; I didn't like Kurtesy's RP this week, because it was a gigantic wall of monochromatic text. It can get a little repetitive. What I think could work is using the characters you have, but have them yell to each other what to do in battle. Maybe even break away from the dungeon scene to see Shawn and his friends discussing what to do. That, to me, would be a really good way to avoid this issue.

You're facing perhaps the most difficult foe you'll face in the fed, so if you lose this week, know it's because Holmes is that damn good. Against most anyone, this stands a good chance of winning, but Holmes is a monster (and proved so this round). The point to focus on is that you're getting your style down and focusing on ways to improve, which at the end of the day, is all you can ask for. That, and the fact you're getting your story across.

 

[Con T.]

Saboteur

Aside from my own stuff, this has actually been my favorite angle of the fed. It's been humorous, but not to the point that it barges in on Holmes and Celeste's serious side. This angle has been focused on Whoopi, and a growing conspiracy, which actually works perfectly.

Here's been my interpretation of the angle; without Action Saxton, Saboteur's felt on his own, and though he knows he's capable, there's a realization that a large target is on his back. The manifestations of this feeling, combined with the overwhelming presence of being outnumbered, has led to the feeling that in searching for Whoopi, Saboteur is searching for the manifestations of his paranoia, and the ability to

Or, you know, Saboteur is being haunted by Whoopi Goldberg. I like the fact that it allows Saboteur to choose different formats. It's almost a parody of Titus' RP's, which works perfectly. The humor is there. Is it the funniest Saboteur has been? Probably not, to be perfectly honest; sometimes the joke reach that line where it's no longer WTF funny, and just WTF. But for most of the time, the jokes connect. But most importantly, Saboteur isn't backing down. That's a nice touch, and very well done.

Mason Westhoff

All of the RP's were technically well written, but they're also very short and sweet. Westhoff is always capable to get his point across, but I can't help but think there's always more he can do. I've always thought of a guy who raises his level for his competition, but lowers himself to his competition's level, too.

Nowhere is that more evident than this cycle. On one hand, your best effort came against Ty. Westhoff had his own story to tell, but he also got a pretty darn good promo against Califa, which was the focal point. You, more than anyone, stated why you're a threat.

Then, there was the RP against Thrash. It was short, even by your standards, and didn't offer much. It was a simple promo, but had Thrash come up with something, this may have been a sort of match. The point being is, when you do bring your A game, usually against the best, it's really darn good. When not, forget about it. I'd love to see you look at every match as an A game, because then, I think you'll find a lot more consistency.

Vega

There's no doubt you've elevated your game, and proven without a shadow of a doubt, you're one of the better acts we have going in the fed. This week's RP was surely a step up from last week, yet it also was a bit of a step down from last week.

I think you, more than anyone else, know how to convey emotion through writing. You are into Vega's head, and portray the near manic nature he's in now. His frustration is palpable, even in the writing. The paranoia, even in little things like his inability to trust Barbosa, that Barbosa would be after him, is very well done.

I do wish more was talked about the fact that the two went to war against each other though. Vega doesn't trust Barbosa because he's manic... But how about the fact that Vega wanted to kill Barbosa a couple of rounds ago? I think that would have been a very nice touch.

There are times when the formatting is burdensome to you. For example, this

WHYYYYYY...

...WOULD YOU SLAAAAAPP...

BARBOSA!?!?!?​

Sorry Vega, but am I reading the RP of one of the most violent forces in the fed, or the blog of a Miley Cyrus loving pre-teen? I think there's a better way to show screaming. Italics, bolded words, the like. All of which, I feel, are better options than what you went with.

The way you write other character's... I don't trust many people to write for Zeus. But I would trust you to write Zeus, and I trust you to write any characters. The dialogue between SHIT was great, all of the cameos worked, really it was a wonder to watch you write all of these distinct characters, who all have their own unique style of writing.

Overall, the biggest flaw, to me, was formatting. And even then, I can understand the choices. This RP was pretty damn good, and it really hooks me. It gives me a clear sign where he's going, why he feels the way he does. Really, just awesome stuff all around

 

[Infinity]

Blade

I haven't read a Blade RP in a couple of rounds so I was interested in seeing how this one would be, the one I finally give you feedback on. Unfortunately, I was a bit let down. Stylistically I don't think there was anything wrong with it, but I just never truly felt captivated by any part of the RP. The conversation between Blade & Beard had a it's moments, and honestly, random parts throughout the entire RP did in fact make me chuckle... but they were quick thoughts, nothing really stayed with me except for one thing, and perhaps it's the one thing you're most intent on making the reader remember... and that's his level of inebriation. There was one point in the RP the I began to question why a Scottish man would be so damn drunk... so in the next scene when Blade himself doesn't even know what happened, I was kind of like "ohh, okay, makes sense."

I kind of hate blatant interviews in RPs, I usually find them to lack creativity... however there are always times when an RPer can pull it off successfully, just as long (IMO) as it isn't a straight forward interview. So, since I have this distaste for interviews, I liked how this was basically a mock or satire of one. Then the money... so, alright, you said it yourself, Hangover 4... I think the scenario is basically set up. And I guess that's ultimately my point... is that this is almost too blatantly just a set up RP for a future one. I'm eager to see what happens next... so as a set up RP it works extremely well. As a stand alone RP, however, it's well written but not entirely interesting.

 

[Con T.]

Blade

This RP is well written, and the dialogue is, as always, great. I've said it before, but anyone that wants to figure out how to do dialogue should really read Blade RP's. That's always fantastic; what I never realized is how good the descriptive dialogue is. I can visualize everything that happens in the scene; Becky trying to make it through the mud of Bob's house, the scene with Blade being Uncle Blade. It's fascinating to see Blade just existing in the real world... It works. I know your idea was to not talk about your opponents as much as possible... And as a ritual, I get the idea. But I do find it interesting that the World Title is mentioned like twice, I think. I can get not talking about the opponent, but I'd have hoped there would be some more dialogue about the belt.

Also, to be perfectly honest... Sometimes it felt like a chore to read this RP, because there was a lot of filler NPC's in the RP. I get that Blade has to retrace his steps, but I think I counted 9 (!) characters who get speaking roles. That's just too many. I could have done without the Crazy Susan segment, Bob was fun as always, even then, there was so much speaking from so many characters, you could have (ironically, given the discussion thread) chopped off a good portion and had a great RP.

Theron

This was fun to read, and fit perfectly for your match. I loved the idea of tying real life into the RP. Even the descriptions of the opponents; that was perfectly done. Technically, it did make for a lot of characters, but in this case, it wasn't as noticeable as past RP's. The idea of describing the battle feels fun, and it's apparent that you had a lot of fun writing it. That's probably the best thing about this; it felt like a fun story. Keep with the fun portion of the stories; Creative sees something in it, because now you're also getting promo's on the shows. I learned a bit ago that is the mark of a character that's working; when creative wants to write you promos, that's when you know your character is getting over.

Of course, this wasn't perfect. My big issue is always gigantic walls of text, and this RP did have it. Namely, during the fight, and Theron's monologue in the real world. This can always help;

A. During the battles, space it out with the opponents speaking. I don't think it's breaking any rules of making your characters appear (if it is, Ricky Runn is fucked...), and it spaces out the text a little. Plus, it can be fun to write the villain (I would know...)

B. During Shawn's monologue, break it up with some action. Like this;

Theron: (thinking to himself) Things have not gone the way I have planned in any of my matches up until today. I'm living my dream, I'm a pro wrestler in WZCW.... but I have yet to even win a match in the federation.... In the contract battle royal I almost had the win, it was just within my grasp, but I ultimately failed my spot check. I give credit to Coberer in his victory in that match, I should have been more aware of my surroundings in order to pick up the victory.

Theron looks at a program from the event, one in which featured a photo of Dagger and Coberer locking up. Theron gets up his bed, and starts shadow boxing, almost as if to prepare for Coberer again. He knows he'll see him in the battle royale.

Then there was my first ever one on one match. I thought I had Grizzly Bob. I really thought I was going to win that one. In the end that did not happen. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I underestimated him. I am not angry at Bob at all. I have a lot of respect for him. The better man won, but I am still a rookie in this federation.

Theron looks at his wall, at a photo Tiffany took for him. The picture is of Dagger and Bob trading punches. He notices something he never saw before; fans in the audiences are carrying plastic swords. They must have brought them into the arena; He's never known if e had merchandise. But then again, maybe he does.

My most recent match was the most difficult yet.... former WZCW Champion Steven Holmes. Even after endless mental preparation, I was unable to get the job done. I cannot let that happen again! This contendership match is my ticket to getting my name out there. The pay-per-view's brand name is "Redemption". How perfect that I provide my fans with my own personal redemption on a show with the same name. A victory here in this match will solidify the fact that I belong here.

Little things like that make it so much easier to read. But you are on the right track.

I will also say this... Yes, there are tons of NPC's here, too. Like, a lot. More than Blade's actually. I think you tried to reduce their role in the RP, and though I enjoy Neep, at the moment, I think this should have been you, and maybe three lines of dialogue from your gladiator combatants. And the Dwarf. Still five, but less than, well, thirteen or so

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Daggershield:

It's hard keeping up with 4 regular, friendly NPC's to be honest. Here's a suggestion: Make these guys VERY distinctive from one another, in the way they speak and behave, so people looking into your RP in detail for the first time can pick up easily. Barbosa does this well with the personalities.

I like the representation of each fighter being a participant in the battle royale, I love the fight for the most part (Fallout should've lived longer though ), but good god, Theron is MASSIVELY strong here. I know Theron is in his own fantasy world here, but he could do with a little bit of a struggle. It'll make your RP a lot more tense.

Also, I like the idea of winning to fight the champion (here's a hint, if you fight S.H.I.T, try and justify him as one of those Dwarven Centurion Knights from Skyrim), but what if you lose and face, let's use as an example Sexton. You've already killed the represenation of Sexton off in this world during the battle, which leaves you having to write something else in for Sexton.

I don't really like how Daggershield is commending Coberer and some of the people in the battle. I can understand Daggershield commending Bob, but Coberer is a heel. It's kind of hard to explain, but I hope you get it.

Those are the criticisms that I have. It's a very good directive RP, as it sets up your next one nicely. For example, should you fail to win, you could lose to the champion, and he spares Theron's life (though tough to justify, as S.H.I.T exists to destroy, and Matt Tastic probably hates Theron's guts) and you also have plans for if you win also. You've improved a hell of a lot from your first RP, and you've got a decent shot of winning with this.

 

[Con T.]

Fallout

I have to admit, here and now, I really like the Fallout character. The guy is menacing, and it's awesome. But this was not one of your better showings, to be honest.

I loved the promo Fallout gives. And I love the fact that you have the wherewithal to space out the promo with chunks of action. But it's menacing, it really is. I'm scared of the guy just reading him. And I think that works for you.

I don't think the idea that Chuck Myles is out to get you works, though. Chuck is a pretty unbiased guy; he may think you're weird, but he won't go so far as to put a bounty on you. Granted, it does give a pretty good out if you're eliminated, but I think it just seems a tiny bit flawed. Perhaps instead, the police could be looking for Viktor, scared that he'll be a menace, and so they offer any word on the man, Viktor.

I also really hate ALL CAPS in any RP. I think there's so many other ways to convey emotion.

Italics are always nice, and can work for fear

Bold always grabs the attention.

Using them together could make for a nice combination of Chuck's uneasy anger to Fallout's success

But ALL CAPS, as I quipped to Infinity, never works that well.

All in all, a flawed RP, for sure. Not the worst, but I know you can offer better

 

[Con T.]

Vega

Not the puppy!

The scene with the dog was well done; I like the doubling of Titus as the dog that needs to be put down, and Vega's insanity that he's so close to pulling the trigger. That said, I could see the reference being a tad clichéd. I remember the Old Yeller reference being done with Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair... But then again, that was a rivalry done out of respect, and not sheer hatred. There's a sickening twist in the idea that Vega enjoys the idea that he's going to put an end to Titus... Side note; did you ever notice the parallels to Zeus and Kurtesy having a war to end one another, and Vega and Titus having the same thing? Huh... There's an old guard/new guard tag team match waiting to happen, if I've ever seen it.

Anyway, I'm glad Alexis doesn't just take it; that she does offer a threat to Vega. I like that she actually isn't afraid to stand her ground (pardon the phrasing) against Vega... It gives her a sense of independence that may have been lacking in past RP's.

There are times when I don't understand the formatting, though it isn't near as problematic as it used to. I'm more questioning scenes like this

The title, Vega... the Mayhem title. It's changed you.

When you first joined this company you're goal was to have it be no more than a side job. A hobby. Something to keep you from getting too bored with life. But, it all quickly changed when before I knew it, you were Mayhem Champion. You once told me if you'd ever become some kind of champion in WZCW that you'd be more likely to pawn the damn strap than defend it. But, instead you're clinging onto some broken plated rundown looking piece of gold more than the most precious jewels you've ever stolen.

Side note; I've now learned why no one should ever RP in pink. God, my eyes...

Anywho, I assume this was meant to show a pause, but why? It only happens about four times, but it does sort of break the rhythm a little. Not that big a thing, but just curious on.

I like the idea of backstory exposing that Titus and Vega are perhaps not so different... In a way, it's sort of fitting, and also connects this normal battle of a generation gap. But I also like that Vega accepts that this isn't like the old days. A possible sight that maybe Vega is willing to play by other's rules... So long as he receives the benefit.

On another note, kudos to you for not relying on the Elite X title rant that you could have done. Lee covered it in his RP, I worried you might have shoot #2, but I think you realize that now is not the time for that. It would overpower the point made in the first shoot... And it would be repeating yourself with different verbiage. So honestly, that's a feather in your cap you didn't have to rely on it.

I didn't understand the point of the Bilbao story. Well, I did, but I think there were different stories you could have gone, and potentially fleshed out more. It wasn't bad, but I would have liked something to highlight how brutal he is and violent he used to be, rather than how cunning he is.

I loved the ending. I really, really did. That sort of brutality is interesting, to me. It makes it as though Vega now has to destroy Titus out of principle; all of the old and crippled need to get out of the way. I'm sure people may have mixed feelings about it; I think it sends the perfect message that Vega needed to send.

Very good stuff; told the exact story you need to tell.

Lee

I totally forgot, you asked for feedback, which made it stupid to have asked a second time if anyone else wanted feedback, when you had clearly stated you wanted feedback. So since I did your opponent...

I loved this RP. It was a bit simple, but extremely effective in its point. I love the concept of pure good and pure evil... Vega (I'm not sure if purposely) helped with his RP being about him being pure evil. You being the pure good just works perfectly; it almost feels as though this is a battle to decide the balance of good and evil, and that to me is wrestling at its (sorry...) purest.

I liked what felt like a parody of Vega's RP, the Vegas scene. Again, pure good and pure evil. It's perfect... Just absolutely perfect. The idea of Titus being a vigilante who turns in thieves works perfectly for this... All around good job with this. But I do wish there was perhaps more to it; perhaps a little longer would have been nice. I think there's more you could have said, that wasn't said.

I do think the intro part with Stacy was a tad... Roundabout, I guess may be the way to put it. In that, the point seemed very circular. But it did do a very good job putting over the Mayhem title.

Asked to pick a winner... I have no clue. But I also wouldn't mind this becoming a two cycle feud... Just a thought

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Cooper

Holy shit was this an inspiringRP. The formatting was perfect, the description mmade me feel like I was in the RP, and that dialogue had me laughing one minute and crying the next. Its a shame Cooper is retiring because he could be the longest reigning World Champ with RPs like this. 4 3/4 Stars.

My only complaint was it dragged on tad too much, I feel like you could have cut down some parts. I expect you to squash Reynolds either way.e

 

[Dagger Dias]

Kermit

This was a very long RP. I thought mine was long, but this was around twice as long as mine. You know what though? It still entertained me from beginning to end. I really enjoyed this RP quite a bit. As much as I liked KO.... Haven is a fantastic character and this was written it in a way that drew me into his world and I want to see more of this character. I have read every RP during the rounds I have been in the fed for, and I can say this is one of my favorites so far.

It had action, mystery, things that made me laugh (such as Ballrantula or the hilarious exchange between Haven and Giles regarding the cough and a passing the torch moment), and most importantly it never once made me think to myself "is this thing over yet?" despite being so very long. I might have made it a little shorter, but I cannot think of a single other problem I had with it. Very well done, boss. I hope this won't be the last we see of Haven.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Theron Daggershield:

You were kind of backed up against the wall a bit here to be fair, with your Redemption RP perhaps showing a little bit too much confidence. So I can forgive the rushed amazon surviving thing, as I would have had trouble here myself.
Also, what if you were to face any of the guys in that match again. You've killed them off now, although you could use a different representation.
WGCF...love it for some reason.
I haven't read all your RP's, so I don't know what Kirilah is on about sometimes. This is something I brought up I think before, try to make your RP's easy to pick up for newer readers. It's fine to throw in fantasy lingo, in fact it's a way to make the piece more interesting, but even I get lost having read the vast majority of your RP's.
I like the idea of Theron actually being pissed off at Leonaros and having a reason to perform ruthlessly in the match.
I'll think you'll get away with extended dialogue with Leonaros...but you wrote Leo really well imo.
I think there could have been a Leon line between the don't pick on Neep and the right here right now lines. Just a nitpick.
Great way to end the RP, before the actual fight which you can play out as you wish after your actual match. This baseplate really works a lot better than your other baseplates, because you're not writing about the unknown.

Whilst the first half was a little meh, it picked up a lot in the second half to me. You're continously getting better with your matches against the established talent, and I think you might, just might steal a win here. Obviously work to be done, but you're getting better every round.

 

[Con T.]

Ramparte

Holy shit. Yeah, needless to say, I like this gimmick. I like it a lot. Probably the best thing about the gimmick, and this RP, is that Ramparte revels in being a heel. See, Zeus is a heel, but in a world where isn't batshit crazy, he's just a lonely guy who misses his wife.

There's none of that with Ramparte. He is a heel, through and through. And he's legitimately evil. Like, frighteningly so; perhaps it pushed too many doors, and maybe it went a little much for a first RP, but damn is it effective.

Here's the problem; I didn't see you talk about the match at all. Like, not even a mention. This would have been a fantastic debut vignette, something people in the random RP thread. (Hell, I did it, too). But as a match RP, it lacks any part of the match. And that's going to be a problem; I love RP's with a theme to it, and while the character is great, I'd like to see the match mentioned at least.

Hyada

For the love of Valykrie, don't ever use black as a speech font again.

Now then, with that out of the way, this was solid. I like the personality, I think it was interesting enough. The match is mentioned... Maybe not enough for my liking, but definitely mentioned. The bell motif was good; it's a good way to accentuate the RP. But I didn't feel I learned much about Hyada from this. What should I care about? What's the guy like? This is your debut; show a little of why we should care for you.

Other than that, fairly solid job, and pretty darn good for rookies. You'll only get better, and that makes me very excited

 

[DarksideEric]

Hyada

For the love of Valykrie, don't ever use black as a speech font again.

Now then, with that out of the way, this was solid. I like the personality, I think it was interesting enough. The match is mentioned... Maybe not enough for my liking, but definitely mentioned. The bell motif was good; it's a good way to accentuate the RP. But I didn't feel I learned much about Hyada from this. What should I care about? What's the guy like? This is your debut; show a little of why we should care for you.

Other than that, fairly solid job, and pretty darn good for rookies. You'll only get better, and that makes me very excited

Why is black bad?

I was really afraid of prattling on and on in the initial RP, I had mention of my application RP (in this RP) because I wasn't sure if those RPs are "cannon" or not in terms of creative and such, because in my application RP I teased a little bit of information about him and why he was here. I didn't want to just remix the application RP, y'know?