RP Feedback Thread | Page 74 | WrestleZone Forums

RP Feedback Thread

Blade:

  • Sorry, on a phone so this may seem short. But I really, really loved this RP
  • Your dialogue is really second to none. It's funny,and it gets yours message across. Really always love jay.
  • I really, really think you need a feud. This isn't your fault, but I felt like this RP didn't really advance anything. And I really want to see you advance something in a feud. I guess Bateman is the de facto feud, but I really want to see you against Rush or Constantine. Which is why I'm glad you demanded a title shot.
  • I did find it a little hard to but Blade beat all that security, but really, that is his gimmick. I'd make it so every week, his acts of the overt get more impressive.

In contrast, I'm sorry if I don't offer enough critique. Bit this was really, really fantastic
 
Alex Bowen:

Not a ton to say about this RP but I wanted to give you some feedback as I read your stuff every round.

The whole idea of this RP was kinda crazy, I mean Bowen playing russian roulette? If this was anybody else this would just feel like a random idea, but with Bowen it works. It shows how insane he really is. Wouldn't mind seeing more of the crazy things Bowen does in the future.

The only problem I have with this RP is the fact you didn't talk about your opponents at all. I wouldn't have minded seeing a short promo at the end here where you discuss how you were gonna beat your opponents but I think your team may still win this match.

Blade:

This RP was very different. I don't think I've ever seen someone write an RP where their person isn't the main star of the RP. I do like this idea behind it however as Blade wants a title shot that he has rightfully earned. As Zeus said I think you need a feud so you have some more things to work with in your RP's but this was good.

I also love the bit about how the young guns wanna beat the old guy to prove themselves as the real deal or however you said it.

Isabel Stone:

This was a pretty funny RP, something i'm not used to seeing from you but it worked. I'm not sure if this was meant to just be the type of RP to throw something up to avoid a no show or not but I do think you could win this week. As is the case with Blade, I think you need a feud as well but at least your on a hot streak right now.

My compliant with this RP was no real mention of your opponents. In the end I think that may cost you the victory here.

Saxoteur:

To start I should warn you guys I really have nothing negative to say about either RP. You guys are hilarious and both RP's were top notch here.

Now to break them down a bit, Saboteur marrying the blow up doll is hilarious and I could see him bringing "Chelsea" to ringside at Kingdom Come as a way to mess with Smith and Rush. Saboteur must be one fast ninja if he can quick change Action Saxton without him even noticing huh? :lmao:

Now onto the epic battle that is Doc's RP.

Ricky Martin fighting against Action Saxton only to be revealed as Armando Paradyse had me cracking up laughing. Sometimes I wonder where the hell you guys get these ideas and I wish I was as creative as you guys. I fully expect you guys to get the win here even with very little mention of Beard and Grizzly Bob because this might have been my favorite SaboSax RP to date.

I'm still bummed that Kingdom Come will be the end of Action Saxton and Doc in the fed and it'll be a shame to see you go because you have been a big help to me with my current gimmick and I got the idea to title my RP's from reading your stuff as well.

Looking forward to seeing how the epic team of Saboteur and Action Saxton will come to an end at Kingdom Come guys.
 
Ok, still on the phone, but at least I'm not texting while dangling off the side of a cliff. So let's start this cracker of a feedback session:

Saxton:

This was absurdity for all the right reasons. I mean, this was hilarious. It really, really was.

Did this do anything to build the match, or build to KC? Fuck no it didn't, and that's about the only complaint I can have. But it did build the final stages of Saxton's career. I know very little of the Saxton canon, but I couldn't help but enjoy myself with this, and felt that this was just fun, stupid humor.

Again, was it pointless? Oh God, yes. Did it build anything? Besides the character, no. But it was fun. I can assume that El Habeñero came before Despicable Me, but if he didn't, I can see a little influence.

Saboteur:

This was... Endearing, is the best word I can think of. It was a great way to build to the final goodbye for Saxoteur. The monologue about accepting chaos... It was perfect, especially for your team, and it was about the best way someone could ever describe this team. Man, that was some pretty beatiful stuff.

Also, fourth wall breaking... Cracker job, coming from a guy who usually groans at it.

That said... I kind of hope Chelsea is done. I liked the joke, but there's only so long the gag can go. The gag peaked, and somewhat went over the hill in this RP. I don't think we need her again.

Other than that, really enjoyed the writing, a lot. Sweet stuff, in a weird way.

Grizzly:

There's something of a chemistry that just works for you and Beard. His and your RP were really well put together, and it's obvious you know how to write the other perfectly. The man slap fight actually had me rolling, I enjoyed it that much.

That said... Man, was there a lot of exposition to Digger. Coming from a guy who's RP's have a lot of backstory (guilty), you could have done without explaining what happened to Beardette when we saw it in the RP above.
Cut that out, and it's a very good RP. With it, it's solid, if not unspectacular, but too long.

Sam Smith:

I knew what you were trying to channel in this promo; after all, you told me:lmao:

Um, it's creepy, and I liked the story told. But I can sense you didn't know where you wanted to take this direction. I can tell you wanted to talk about the tourney, but it came off that was the bigger deal to you.

Which, I totally understand is a big deal, but yu also have a chance at (arguably) the second most over belts in the fed. I know you were kinda left in the lurch this week, but I would rather see you focus on that.

It was well written, and you have a thing for creepy story telling. Just not the best of stuff.

Howard:

Very simple, very solid, very unspectacular.

I liked the verbiage of the promo, really liked the anger. I liked what Howard had to say, but I did feel it was a little too simplistic. I get that every RP doesn't need a gimmick, but I felt there was immense potential for an RP that worked all of Strikeforce into a team to discuss this big match.


And, I got a simple, by the books promo. Not bad, but doesn't wow me, either. It was... Well, it was Jimmy Flynn with better verbiage. And at the end of the day, is that really what you want?
 
Sexual Dynamite (Krypto)

-I liked the RP, not as good as the previous ones that I've looked at but still a quality RP. You do well with your use of Beard, so I applaud you there. Comedy RP here and I had some chuckles. The whole scheming against Facecrush with donuts is a good concept and Krypto doing it for Missy is a nice touch, showing a caring side. Poor Bob getting tortured by everyone it seems this round. Not too much to say really, I liked the RP and it works. Not as good as some of your other RP's, but still gets to the point.

Blade (Blade)

-I'll admit that I'm not familiar with your work, but I dug the RP here. Very good concept with Blade catching Bateman's attention by taking his stuff. That's Blade's MO and that worked perfectly here. And thus Blade wants a title match and that is understandable. I loved the whole concept of the RP and Blade is well deserving of a title shot following KC. I hope to see Blade step into something good following KC as you've been on a roll and I look forward to seeing what else you bring to the table. Good stuff. No complaints on my end.

The Crock (Sam Smith)

-I liked the RP buddy. The concept and storytelling was well done. It wasn't up to your normal level of excellence, but nonetheless I think it is a winning RP. I loved the symbolism with the spider and fear. I really fueled the RP along with Smith's driving force of being memorable in the wrestling business. I feel a bit more could've been done, but overall still a winning RP in my eyes.
 
The Angel

- Ouch. This is a tricky subject to touch. It's very rare for a face to try and pull off a religious gimmick. That's because when you do the man of god thing in a entertainment form as silly as wrestling, it comes off as phony and forced. With that said, if you turn heel, but be more sleazy and realistic than Westoff, it could be entertaining.

- It seemed like you almost started to tell a story with this RP and then ended it before the story could take shape. It left me feeling a little frustrated with how suddenly it ended.

- The team work on the three RP's was pretty well done.

- I just wanted more from Angel and this RP. RP's aren't just showing us what happens when the cameras aren't rolling, it tells us what characters feel and how they're reacting to what's happening around them. Considering how big a tragedy this is for Angel, there should've been much more about Angel's feelings


The Beard

- I gotta say, I wasn't sure about how you wrote Grizzly's dialogue. He came off as a fratboy slacker instead of his good-natured hillbilly self.

- You do excellently explain what the Beard is feeling though, which is something some RPers have trouble with.

- Your biggest strength is definitely your descriptive writing. It paints a good picture.

- The RP was funny and charming journey. Nothing hugely deep or groundbreaking, but just a good, entertaining RP.


Grizzly Bob

- Man, you know your character so well and that's great to see.

- The RP's flow so nicely and transition really well between the dialogue and the description. You're just a very solid, all-round writer.

- Name dropping Blade. The indirect alliance continues!

- I don't really have anything to criticise. It's RP's like this that make you one of my favourite RPers in the fed. Keep up the good work.


Dustin Hunter

- I like this gimmick of trying to expose heroes. It's not completely original, but the way you refer to them as freaks adds a gritty twist to it that I like.

- The whole scene with Azazel felt weird. The dude just let himself into Hunter's apartment, and Hunter seems to go from freaking out one second to completely calm the next. Also, Azazel calls out Hunter on his trust issues, but Hunter seems to trust Azazel pretty quickly. It all feels kind of inconsistent.

- The explanation of your finishing move's name felt a little awkward, like you used too many words explaining what the name means. If that makes sense.

- Good promo on Flynn and the Mayhem rules match.

- Not a bad RP. You need to get to know your character a bit better and learn how to make a story flow better. There's also a couple of grammatical errors, so keep an eye out for them. But it's a solid effort overall.
 
Last time I did feedback, it took me three and a half hours, so y'all are only getting six bullet points from this non-expert. I just found out about some other stuff I have to do, so if I didn't get you right away, I'm coming for you before tomorrow evening CAT.

Blade / Blade
*I noticed a few formatting errors. Nitpicking, really, but it draws attention away from your excellent story.
*Wrestlers are often sold on physical prowess (faces) or "ruthlessness"/cheating (the rest). Since your return (which is all I've read from you), you played to Blade's intellect. Original, fresh - appreciated it.
*Great symbolism in the things that Blade stole from management. Non-essentials that allow other items to function (or get buzzed). You didn't explain it away and force us at gunpoint to look at your subtlety either - thanks for that.
*Playful Blade was a good way to go with this - it adds to his charm and plays off Bateman's state of mind.
*You M Knight Shyamalan'ed me at the end there, very refreshing to not see a plot twist early on and to actually be surprised by it.
*Despite being a pro wrestler, Blade is very much grounded in reality. Everything he does in the RP's can happen in the real world (even if he's a bit dramatic with it). Just general credit, I guess.
*You get a seventh bullet point, because everything I haven't ragged on was damn fantastic.

Zeus ...as himself
*Yeah, well done. Good detail and believable dialogue throughout.
*The bits that dealt with the prison and prison life in general was my favourite part of the story. The "new gift" analogy with regards to prison visits was genius.
*Great addition of the npc. I imagine her to be blunt, sullen, mannish and far more intelligent than she lets on. Also a grim contrast to Zeus's cruel whimsy.
*Very, very, VERY creepy last part of the story. Although I'm not 100% a fan of the hymn at the end, the idea and gist of it is spine-shivering stuff.
*I did tell you it was a little bit Westhoffy, because of the relative formality of the service. Having said that, there's NO telling what crazy cultic crap might go down in the final RP of KG.
*This last point has to stay a little cryptic, but I'm hoping that you use that thing I told you to be thankful for and run wild with it in your KG RP. The time has come to use that shovel.

JAM as Amber Warren
*I can tell you right now, non-smarky wzcw-fans are huge supporters of Amber. She's very likeable without being a Mary Sue. Personally, I just want to snuggle with her in a non-sexual way.
*Props to you, FWR and Thrash for co-ordinating the tag-RP so well, despite one of the troops having diarr dihar dearr the shits.
*Some early character development in the interaction with Myles - Amber is showing fighting spirit, which makes her even more adorable.
*Your use of your teammates' dialogue was great, because it genuinely felt like Angel, Amber and Thrash have seperate voices and I assume it's easy to fall into the trap of all the characters sounding the same (especially if it's an unofficial team like Steelwing Honey).
*What I didn't like so much was how Amber kept shushing Thrash. I'm guessing that was to sell her pluckiness, but the thing is, Amber knows Thrash is a pretty emotional dude, so why be so hard on him?
*The middle part of a trilogy can totally end up being irrelevant and boring, since there is no initial mystique of satisfying climax (there's a sex joke in here somewhere). Your RP, however, didn't suffer from being the middle and stayed did more than just hold our hands until the finish.

...and Nightmare as Dustin Hunter
*How did you get this stipulation again? Great job of emphasizing how the mayhem rules would suit you.
*I'm a fan of semi-supernatural stuff. It's not reanimation or levitation, but Azazel just appearing and disappearing at will was great. It gave me chills when I thought about it, because this means Dustin is never really alone too...
*Like I told you, the bit about this new girl is creepy and borderline disgusting, depending on how much influence the ringmaster has over her. I love it, but I don't know how more queasy audiences will take it (see Krypto's last RP reaction).
*I know this is "vintage" Carnival of Carnage, but I'm really looking forward to this new direction :p The dad-angle has a lot of potential. It's a potential minefield of cliché, too, but the way it's been going so far tells me it's going to be good.
*Also more about the direction than the RP specifically, I see so much face potential in this angle. Kinda like a ghost-rider deal where Dustin and his spike free his girl from evil?
*While reading this whole RP, I get this awful, sickening feeling that Dustin Hunter is doing something that he'll regret forever. You kept a lot of his fun and human pre-carnie side and that makes the reader able to relate. Thumbs up for not making Dustin a zombie, btw...
 
Slice – David Whitman

I was digging the premise of the first half of the story. Some brief back story to help us the rest of us get a feel for David’s character. Like DC I’m sure his history is probably enormous, and I’m sure you’ve got quite a bit of information to cover explaining where David came from, how he got to this point, and where he plans to go. I’m digging the TSA storyline so far, though the piece of the puzzle that is David Whitman has really yet to be fully revealed.

What I liked most about the RP: The story telling and the narration were commendable despite being brief in some areas. I felt the first half of the RP was a solid lead in to the second half, even though the second half felt a little weak.

What I liked least about the RP: I was expecting a bit more character development this round. There’s allot of us that either got bogged down with time constraints or didn’t go all out because it wasn’t necessary with the granddaddy of all PPV’s being next round. But since David is still such a new character I was surprised when the development turned out to be quite light. While that won’t really count for or against you this round, if you write some big ass RP for KC trying to fit three rounds of development into one RP that tends to drag then that might cost you.

Truthfully I have no idea how long this TSA storyline is going to last, so if you are saving that development to push David forward then by all means stick to your schedule. If not then try not to spread yourself too thin, or get bogged down by writing bloated RP’s.
Overall I thought it was a solid effort. You’ve obviously got allot of writing talent and I’m interested in seeing where Whitman fits in the scheme of TSA.


TheRealDC - DC

I was interested in reading this after you hyped it up, and I feel like you really delivered on this one. I’m very impressed you write your RP’s on your phone. It would take me a damn long time to accomplish the same thing. I liked the idea behind integrating Numbers RP into yours, kind of like a direct response so that the timeline of events really match up. It was a smart idea in this handicap match.

What I liked most about the RP: Definitely the descriptions. Nothing felt forced or wasted, and each little transition and piece of dialogue felt like it had its own unique place. Some powerful pieces of dialogue in this RP too…

Please, oh powerful mystical being of the universe! Tell me how in the hell, three stooges behind a masked fortune teller are going to reign terror over people when we seem more like a comedy act, who accidentally manages to make the good guys look bad once in a while! I'm not making the mistake of pretending I'm doing something good for this group. I'm done caring if we are on a mission! You're plan, isn't working for me. Mikey Stormrage against three of us... If we don't win, you're plan is f***ing void! I'm not making the mistake and believing you have him on the ropes...
Click to expand...

That’s great stuff. The emotion is great. And this…

In a fit of rage that would make Nicolas Cage jealous DC out right loses it. He grabs the chair in which he was siting and heaves it across the room. It shatters somewhere against an unlit wall. No one budges or reacts to it as DC can basically do nothing but scream in his tantrum. Once he stops he locks eyes with GM. Then promptly marches right up to him. Mason tries to step in front but GM holds a confident hand out as DC gets in GM's face. Mason stands with fists clinched.*
Click to expand...

…That’s great imagery.

What I liked least about the RP: The first segment was a bit underwhelming and had a few formatting errors. No real biggie though. I felt the second half really drove the RP as a whole home.

This was my favorite RP that I’ve read from you yet. I’m hoping that you’ve found that niche that you’ve been looking for. I’m expecting you to hit on all cylinders at KC.


Phatso – Alex Bowen

Even though it may have been short this was a genuine effort. Six man tags can be clusterfucks, and at times it can be hard to either do some big collaboration or write something that isn’t just going to be written off as a third wheel. I felt this piece was unique because you gave Bowen some much needed character development. The premise of playing Russian roulette may have been a bit clichéd, but not focusing on repercussions of firing a gun in public place and instead the imagery of Bowen leaving his old persona behind and adopting a new one was the right decision. It wasn’t flashy, but it worked.

What I liked most about the RP: The dialogue is what really put it over for me. That first paragraph of dialogue where Bowen “sheds his skin” so to speak is what defines him moving away from the King of Mayhem and towards a new persona of a chaotic, poetically motivated justice hunter.

What I liked least about the RP: There were a couple of formatting errors with your dialogue. I felt the descriptions were a little lacking, as was the narration. The pacing moved a bit too fast for my liking, and I felt that your dialogue, while powerful, really needed both of those aspects to fully hit home.

Overall I thought the RP was good and you should have a great showing this round with your team; however, I’m expecting you to take this new side of Bowen and run with it at the PPV.


The Doctor – Action Saxton

Hard to believe that this will be your second to last RP for a while, but I hope you enjoy your retirement. I had to read JGlass’s piece first to set the scene for yours and the whole thing was hilarious. The adventures of Saboteur and Saxton will be missed post Kingdom Come. The dialogue was quite witty; I know you’ve stated before on the podcast that you’ve got plenty of ideas, and granted some are random as all hell, but they work because it’s well written.

What I liked most about the RP: The descriptions. They fit the dialogue like a perfectly crafted glove. Mexicans ninja’s riding dinosaurs, Armando Paradyse as a Ricky Martin double, and Saxton kicking ass like he always does; the transitions just flowed so well. It was an easy read too despite all the action, and that’s not an easy thing to do, but you have such a great handle on it so well that it always works.

What I like least about the RP: I know Saxton has a big stand alone monologue at the end of J’s piece, and that’s fine since both RP’s are technically one big submission, but I would have liked to have heard more about how Saxton sees his match at the Supershow, even if it was just a snippet or two. Generally speaking I like to see WZCW related development of a character inside of his handlers RP.

Overall I thought the RP was great. I hope you, JGlass, Crock, and Merk shoot for the stars at the PPV, and Saxton goes out with a bang.
 
Celeste Crimson

Pros:

The description and internal narration already sets this apart from most of the RPs I've read here. Admittedly, the length of the RP was intimidating and I almost didn't even bother reading it. However, if you take time to read mine, I'll read your RP. To that I'm glad I did. I get a better understanding of what is going on throughout this RP as to who the characters are and what they mean.

The holier than thou persona of Celeste and Steven is on full display. I dug the perceptive of an outside individual in first person, as opposed to just "another" first person character RP. I will definitely check out more of your work.

I'm interested in seeing how this all plays out after Kingdom Come now.

Cons:

Like I said the length was intimidating. Some of the description could have been tossed aside. But, there was purpose behind it. I found myself kind of stupid that I didn't understand a lot of the words being used. But that is more ignorance on my part then a red flag for you.

Overall:

I really did like it. The formatting was well done. There was a hiccup in grammar but nothing that took away the story being told. The interaction between Cat and Celeste was awesome, and getting a peek inside the thoughts of an NPC was a nice touch. They don't get much attention in my experience. Good job man, you made a fan out of me.



Dr. Zeus

Pros:

Description was awesome, dialogue was awesome, and I really really dug that song. I wasn't sure what to expect but after listening to it the creep factor skyrocketed. I like using music to influence a point or plot device. The addition of Chastity as the devoted follower to Zeus' quest to purge the world of evil is interesting. Considering she may have had the same kind of message delivered to her. They are both equally crazy, and I dig it.

Con:

This really felt more like a straight up introduction for Chastity. When I say that, I mean it kind of felt like this RP would be better suited for the Random RP thread. It was more story driven then anything. Some of the rhymes, didn't rhyme. Unless you account for accent you should probably use some (sic) when doing that.

Overall:

I really did like the read. It was creepy and disturbing. The body bag I'm glad didn't end up being a coffin. I think that fits perfectly. He may be acting for God, but anyone that carries around or has an abundance of coffins laying around shouldn't be a doctor. Plus body bags are easy to come by, and probably cheaper.

Also, despite the intent of an RP, whether story driven or promo based, you do have somewhere to be on the next show. I don't think there wa any mention of Matt Tastic or
Ace Stevens, unless I missed it. Through whatever RP or direction you're going with it, always remember that you character does have an obligation to at least think or talk about what he has to do on the next show (mainly face "X" opponent).



The Beard

Pros:

I read your RP because I was on my way to reading Grizzly's and I didn't want to miss any reference he dropped. I thought this was hilarious. I had to look up th NPC pic for Beardette, and that was disturbing, but added to the hilarity. The description was good as was the back and forth between Grizz and Beard. Also dug the nod to product placement!

Cons:

It moved pretty fast. That's not exactly bad, but I think you could have played up the kind of people you were beating up. Like a Indiana Jones type of moment would have fit well. A sword swallower using blades, doing fancy footwork and blades spins... And Beard or Grizz just headbutts him. The fight was almost over before it began. Also, don't fall into the "superbadass" trap. Numbers (count, not GM) do play a factor in any fight. Beard essentially getting away unscathed kind of makes Grizz look a bit weak in the process. He's just one step behind. But if used correctly, you could make them both realize how well they work together if one of them gets taken down for a second, the others right there, as a team.

Overall:

Since it's a team effort, see Grizzly's overall.



Grizz:

Pros:

The description was amazing. The dual cross body was depicted in my mind out of like a comedy movie. Two burly men gut bumping each other in slow motion, hilarious. I felt the impact. The constant upbringing of how well you guys worked together was very smart, as it gives way for a bright future together. Also, you both agreeing how awesome it's gonna be to kick each others asses is even better. It is a match made in heaven.

Cons:

I personally don't see much con in what you presented. I feel like for where your from your managing to capture a pretty down to earth "redneck" vibe that's translating well. The quick and sudden transition is the only real con. Beard uses journal entries to break it apart, having something other then a few stars or lines break it up would be good. But I digress, it was still good stuff.

Overall:

I really like this team up. The knuckleheadedness of it was a very fun read. I wonder if Beard knows Grizzly is saying this stuff about his sister and doesn't mind? I'm not sure, but it seemed like a breeze for you two to cook this up. I'm jealous, but I am looking forward to what you guys do in the future. Collectively, the characters back and forth banter was awesome, against each other I'm expecting nothing more then a good ol' fight. May the best man win.
 
Quickly got these up, before the show renders them redundant.

TheRealDirectCurrent / DC
*I think you maaaybe could've done something else here in the opening paragraph. I'm under the impression that DC is a bit of a serious character and that knocking on the fourth wall had me smiling. Just a suggestion, but if DC could hear her, why not assume the "audience" can hear what he hears?
*Formatting is your baby and yours alone, but I don't think dialogue-assignment would hurt. I mean I knew who the "masked leader" was, but would a "member of the WZCW universe" (aka Jon Jones' Jobber)? If the hiding of the name was done as a swerve, it would work, but I don't think that that was the case here.
*The interactions between the members of the Altar were solid gold. The emotion was painted SO vividly, not just through the dialogue or the descriptions, but also with the implied descriptions (mainly body language).
*The first confrontation between GM and DC was my favourite bit! Also "you don't get the last word". Not only how it was written, but the logic displayed in DC's lines was excellent.
*Very intrigued as to where this all is going. I'm imagining that at Kingdom Come DC is playing a big card. A lot of posters are saying this, but I actually get that feel from only a handful of RP's. Like this one.
*Great job, very exciting, tense RP.

Slice / David Whitman
*As with the first RP, this one was very, very well-written. Strong descriptions and you have an impressive vocabulary, as well as a good instinct when it comes to deciding on the right word.
*I like that you have a proper "wrestler" as your character. In a world of heroes and villains, we sometimes forget that it's a wrestling show after all. Also, you aren't riding on Whitman's past, but his history is important and I think you struck a good balance between coat-tailing and focussing on the present (if that comment made any sense).
*Another general comment: As an RP'er, it must be frustrating having a history with Numbers, but having to start from scratch. Having David be from GM's past in kayfabe (as out of it) is a stroke of genius.
*Yet another general comment :p : I was doubtful about an emotionless character in a creative writing-driven pro-wrestling fed, but there is so much emotion OUTSIDE of Whitman, it works beautifully. I see you also don't have David as completely catatonic, which is more realistic.
*I must admit, GM was a little more vocal and less Bane-y than I'd expect, but I figured this is because of their long history. Nevertheless, you did a good job of putting over the Altar, specifically GM.
*Impactful ending you got there, looking forward to your coming stuff.

Dynamite / Krypto
*I used to read your stuff, but ever since our tag match, I've been REALLY hooked. Now again, you started with the best subtitle of the round and I knew it was going to be fun to read.
*I'm a fan of Krypto adopting Bob as his sidekick. Since Fats died via facial crushing, Backstage Bob is a great replacement as the fed's most useless sidekick.
*I don't know if you watched Ed, Edd & Eddy as a kid, but Krypto reminded me a lot of Eddy when he was with Beard - only with more brains. Totally oblivious, yet scheming.
*As Grizzly's handler, I laughed my arse off when Beard wanted to talk about his problems, but Krypto flat-out ignored him, steering the conversation in the cartoonishly villainous direction he wanted.
*The parts with the "heist" was thoroughly enjoyable. Wacky, goofy and fun. During my first read, I missed the spoiler. Reading it now, it was great. Overall, the increasingly shitty Bob is getting out of this is downright hillarious, as was the rest of the RP.
*If I have any critique, it would be that this story feels like a mere stepping stone toward KG. Still, a very, very enjoyable read.
 
Last round (a.k.a. the vinegar stroke) of my round of feedback:

Shotaro / Howard
*You're a "machine" which "only goal" is to destroy? I'm a bit split on this. If it was intended as a joke, well done mate, but if you were playing it straight up, S.H.I.T. says hello ;)
*Even though the promo was good, it was a bit of a surge of red on my screen. I think I know why you went this way, but even so, a few smatterings of description could've worked to set the scene and add some variety.
*The promo's would go over great as a script for a real wrestling fed. I gotta give you this: It's tough, it's gritty and it gives it a "big-match feel", especially how you built GM as a threat.
*Shrewd move to put over Smith & Rush as a huge threat (which Crock and MTM legitimately are), even though it was through a no-show.
*I was expecting Strikeforce to underestimate GM, because of the numbers advantage, but you actually put him over.
*Being totally honest, yeah it was short, but you said you're saving up for KG. I can respect that, but I was expecting just a little more. Pound-for-pound, still a good piece of writing.

FWR / The Angel
*Maybe the flashbacks Angel had of him and Ronney could've been a little fleshed-out. Again, I'm using the "member-of-the-WZCW-universe" argument: I remember Ronney's journey with The Angel, but would somebody who's checking out the fed for the first time know what's going on? A suggestion: Maybe you could quote your earlier RP's when having a flashback?
*I'm a fan of the prayers. When I picture luchadors, I picture masked, Roman-Catholic high-flyers. I'd actually like to see Angel "strike the cross" more often. VERY refreshing to see religious motivation in a positive light...
*In the context of the whole tag-RP, yours set one of the challenges (apart from the opponents) in the form of losing The Angel due to personal reasons. In the first RP, Angel wasn't even torn about not going to the Supershow and that made for adversity that the team had to overcome.
*Like I told JAM, you three guys had excellent teamwork to coordinate a tag-RP so well, even with a guy in hospital. Even if Angel, Amber and Thrash's teamwork don't earn them some points in the voting process, I definitely think the teamwork between FWR, JAM and THWAV should.
*The ending needs to be read in context and because yours was the first installment of Team Steelwing Honey, it built a lot of drama. I mean, I never really thought The Angel would do an RP'ing no-show, but I thought it was a nice touch.
*The afterparty for Ronney's funeral is at my house. You, Thrash and JAM's drinks are on me. I'll bring booze, you bring the boobs, stud.
 
So I figured I might as well throw out a bunch of random feedback for some peeps. I've been away quite awhile so some of the stuff may go over my head and I may not know what's going on with all of the characters, so bear with me. Off we go.

Nightmare

This wasn't the worst RP ever and I could tell you were going in the right direction, but it just didn't all come together for me. The flow wasn't great and the verbage you used was strange at times. There seems to be a lot going on with your character and you just haven't seemed to focus in on exactly what he's all about. A few spelling/grammar stuff as well, but not bad.

That being said, it was a mildly interesting read if nothing else. The whole Ringmaster thing with the blonde chick is at least intriguing and is hopefully setting up for something in the future. Bottomline, I think you one the match and you got some promise going forward, but you have to figure out exactly what you want to be.

MMSoldier

On the plus side, I thought the whole frustration bit was good. I'm assuming your character is a face and that seemed to fit well into the whole "face gets ticked off after a losing streak" thing. However this whole thing just didn't do it for me. Some vague talk about the past and a little generic promo just isn't too interesting from my vantage point. I'd rather some one take a chance and stand out that do a RP that's been done a million times, especially if you'e in the lower card, which it seems you are, you have to do something to make your character interesting.

Shotaro

Same problem as above, just nothing too interesting going on here. You talk about you opponents and whatnot, which is good, but I don't get anything about your character here or anything that is interesting at all frankly. Not a fan of the big blocks of text either.

Ekacnap

This was a bit of a strange one for me. I kind of like the whole thing with your character just going crazy and whatnot, but that seemed to be all that was going on here. You did succeed at having him talk in the most annoying lingo ever at least, which can be a major asset going forward. The formatting was a bit distracting as well for me, I'm not a fan of the color plus quotes and you needed a space after the colons. Not a huge deal though.


Mike's Nipple

What an unfortunate username to get stuck with. Anyway, I actually really liked this. It was different than most RP's, interesting to read, and short and to the point. I think you could have benefited by expanding it a bit, but I'd always side on having a RP a bit too short than having one a bit too long. Solid effort.

Numbers

Not a fan of this one, but I think that's mostly a product of me not being around recently. Without me knowing the characters or what has happened in the fed over the last few months most of this stuff just went over my head.

Well written though, as always and it seems you've done a decent job of transitioning to a heel character after having a face in Reynolds for so long. But like I said, I just couldn't get into this one and it seemed to drag on and on forever.

Blade

Very well written and I didn't lose interest the entire time. You haven't lost your touch. Easy win for you, I'd guess. That being said I sort of had an issue with the whole premise of this with Blade being able to trick the head dude into wasting a few days of his time chasing him around for some ink? I know shit isn't realistic in a lot of RP's (the one dude is a fuggin alien) but you seemed to be writing something unrealistic in a realistic manner. It's a minor qualm though and I still greatly enjoyed this effort, so take my stupid complaint with a grain of salt.

DivaGirl

This was a very odd one for me. I get the whole idea of trying to do something different and interesting, but the forum thing really didn't work in this format. I don't really get what the point you were trying to make was either, other than the fact that people don't believe in Isabel I guess?

BK Barrage

Props at least getting something up, I assume you had some sort of issue this week. Hope everything is going ok for you, brospeh.
 
Welp, I imagine it's gonna be a slow week til Thursday, so why don't we do some feedback now?

Blade

First, let me just say; man , did you get screwed last week. But then again, I'm also glad Izzy and Triple X got a chance to put their A game together for this week, and hopefully you would do the same to put together a match that could steal the weekend.

Did you bring your game? In a way, but I also have liked past RP's from you much more than I did this one.

I liked the nightmare sequence; it's very difficult to pull off he dream sequence, without crossing the line into cliché. It didn't, but it came a little close. But I can see this really working, especially since iirc, this set up Blade's change of heart. The formatting of changing from first to third person was somewhat necessary, but I'm not sure how big a fan of it I was. But man, did it paint he scene perfectly. You have a really underrated sense of descriptive writing, that often gets overlooked because your dialogue is so strong. This allowed for your descriptive writing to be the superstar, which works great.

Now, as for the second part; I wasn't as huge a fan. Here's the thing; Blade makes it out to be some big honor for Joe to drink with Blade. I guess it should be, but at the same time, it seems a little... I don't want to say arrogant, but surely presumptuous, for Blade to make it seem this honorable thing to drink with Blade. Maybe Blade could have seen Joe's manager giving him shit, and that's why he invites him in for drinks, and we could learn more about Joe. And that's kind of the problem for me; it feels like Blade invites Joe in, asks him how he likes his job, and the rest of the conversation is all Joe playing a surrogate Leon. Why should I care about Joe? Hell, the best part of the RP was Blade sticking up to the manager for Joe; I think that's the character you want to get over, right? I know the match has to be talked about, but maybe you could have compared the way the manager treats Joe to the way Dave treats Blade?

The dialogue, as always was excellent, and the scene painted in the dream was fantastic. There were just a few things that didn't click to me. Last week, I would have taken your RP against anyone not named Saxton or Barbosa.

This week? It isn't as much a slam dunk.

The Beard

I loved the RP this week.

Loved, loved, loved.

This was just wacky and imaginative RP'ing. Something tells me you were watching a shit ton of Merry Melodies for this RP, and that's great inspiration. I could see every segment (the package arriving immediately, the voice talking to Beard) all appearing in a Mel Blanc cartoon, and that's always a good thing to channel.

Basically, I got that you said that it's kingdom come, you don't give a fuck, you're going all out. And that's exactly what you needed to do. You got over the manliness, you got over the gimmick, you got over Bob. Hell, you got over your own continuity. I don't know who Talent is, but I have to admit, I was intrigued.

Also, I was waiting for the homage to a real man's man.... Points for you.

Overall, jolly good stuff, brother. Before, I thought Bob was going to win. Now, Bob has to put up something huge to get the win at KC
 
Celeste

Aaaaand we now have out leader in the clubhouse for the best RP of the Kingdom Come season (sorry, Beard).

When I first got into WZCW, I wanted for my KC RP to do with something regarding the gates to paradise, and paradise found. Eventually, I decided to store it in my back pocket for another KC, but this is actually the perfect image of what I would have done. The use of the seven deadly sins was phenomenal, the restructuring of a garden to represent Eden was fantastic, it was thematically the best set RP I have read in my short stint in the fed. It was extremely, extremely well done.

The writing of Holmes is on point; the line stating that Celeste's dreams make a mockery of his pride are spot on. It's very apparent that you and Holmes know how to write for one another, and what makes these RP's work so well.

Actually holding tombstones with the seven deadly sins was very,
very talented. God, was I hoping someone would touch on the sins, and this nailed it out of the park. Not only did it get over your match, it got
over the main event. Not only were you able to RP for your match, but for the three way. This is the nittiest of nit picks, so don't mind it too much. But man, was I hoping that the two last sins remaining from the stones were lust and pride (as it stands, I believe... Showtime was pride, and Barbosa lust?). That would have been absolutely perfect, though I'm sure we could spend hours debating which sins pertain to Holmes and Crimson most.

Like I said, the dialogue was perfect, the scenes were drawn out beautifully. If I had a complaint, it comes at this paragraph.

‘If I smite Barbosa on the rocks of the riverbank leading to the mouth of Purgatory, then Steven and I can drown each other in the river at Redemption and go to Hell for all I care. Barbosa can have this marker for his sin of apathy, that one in the center will be mine for my sin of revenge, and Steven can have the last one on the end for his sin of greed. We won’t ever get to see Eden.
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And it isn't the paragraph at all; time actually perfect. It was the best part of the RP. But at that point, the critic in me thought this RP could have ended here, and been absolutely perfect. I understood why it went as it did, and the ending was really great, too. But man, if it were to end on that paragraph, it would leave the RP on such a high note.

Aye, but minor quibbles. Before I would have pegged Barbosa for the win; now? Yeah, it's going to take that special RP he may have under his sleeve. And even that may not be enough to overcome this.
 
Amber Warren

Normally, I'm against the white meat babyface. I get the purpose, but it's not my wheelhouse; I prefer my faces to have a little edge, and I can sincerely say that Amber Warren's KC outing had all the edge of an oval.

It didn't matter; I still found myself enjoying reading this RP. Because I believe this is what it would look like at the fan access, for a little girl coming up to the wrestler. I have to admit, it was endearing, very endearing. The dialogue was nice, the character's were filled just as well as they needed to be, and you even had a keen eye for continuity once again (Ronney, Ty Burna's knee). Actually, I noticed the connection between Angel, Warren and Thrash again, so that's a nice little touch.

I'll admit, I really don't need to see you calling Ty Burna Mr. Ty. It gets over that Amber is respectful, but it also gets over that she's at a certain plateau. I have great reverence for Ty, too, but if Dr. Zeus ever sees him in an RP, I wouldn't call him Mr. Burna, and I know very well he's better than me. You never want to make yourself out to be the smaller deal in your RP. Something small, but noticeable.

I could see the heart condition coming from the beginning, but I didn't mind all that much. This was endearing, and I think makes you the favorite for your scramble match. It's going to be interesting to see what happens when you move up the card, to bigger competition. I think once that happens, Amber is going to have to add that edge to her character. But this was a very nice read, that really gets over the match and the KC weekend experience well for the fed. Good showing.
 
Dr. Zeus- Supershow III RP

I didn't forget about the Saboteur quiz special, I just didn't get around to it until now!

Anyway, if there's one person that doesn't seem to need feedback right now, it's the man behind Dr. Zeus. For somebody that was never in an e-fed before, you sure seem to have a knack for this. Undefeated four matches in, and it's not like we've been tossing you easy wins either.

Your RP for Supershow III was easily one of the most impressive in a rather underwhelming round and was definitely the top RP of your match. An RP of that length always runs the risk of losing the reader's interest, but Dr. Zeus' enigmatic personality keeps the reader hooked, always looking for a clue to help solve the puzzle of Zeus' past.

I was a little worried when you introduced a female character, but after seeing how you wrote her those fears are temporarily laid to rest. So many RP'ers introduce very shallow female characters that really only exist to serve their character, and while I can see that may be Chastity's main motivation, I think it's the result of a deeper though process rather than, "I love (insert character name here) so I have to help him."

Taking Leon to a church in the middle of the woods is kind of strange. Leon might get picked on, but he's no idiot, and I doubt he'd follow a known murderer in Dr. Zeus deep into the forest, even if he is looking for Sandy. This isn't a really big deal–I'm sort of grasping at straws so I have something to criticize–but hopefully this is something you think about in future RPs.

The church scene was sweeeeeeet. Many people have tried to pull of religious themed RPs and have had varying success, but this one is one of the best as far as I remember. You managed to make it incredibly creepy with the call and response and sprinkling in horror imagery. What's in the bag? I can't wait to find out.

In conclusion... great RP from someone who is fast shooting up the ranks of WZCW. I wouldn't be surprised to see Dr. Zeus put together a winning streak that rivals the likes of Ty Burna.
 
Barbosa

Well, now that you are aware what you're up against, did it stack up to what is currently the best RP of the Kingdom Come season?

It gives a great fight, that's for are. I enjoyed reading this, if not because it has all of the elements necessary for Barbosa to succeed. But there's something about this RP that really sticks out.

Barbosa isn't afraid to get battered in his own RP. In fact, what could plummet certain warriors really strengthens your RP. I've talked about looking weak in an RP, and so far, you've been the only person that has done this, and actually come off looking like a star from it.

Having Holmes and Celeste attack Barbosa shows that they're both aware they need to rely on trickery and ambushes to get the upper hand on Barbosa. And when that happens, it shows that deep down, they're both frightened at the idea of Barbosa. The story is told perfectly.

In the same vein, Barbosa recognizes that he's at a disadvantage without SHIT. The A-ha moment here is fitting for Barbosa; it's the exact way it should be done, but it also does make me wonder why this wasn't done a couple weeks ago. Barbosa is clearly smart, if not crazy like a fox. Why did it take until the last possible week for this to happen? The smoker and the depressive have clearly known for weeks that SHIT was critical to their success, so why did it take this week to talk sense into manic?

Regardless, I can see why, because it synchs up perfectly with SHIT's RP. Which is done fantastically. It's akin to the Saxoteur RP format, and I've already expressed I'm a major fan of this. I love the continuity, I love how coincidence has led to all of these events. I've just been a fan of the dynamic between SHIT and Barbosa.

Right now, this is the match that I just can't call a winner on. This RP didn't make it any easier; this was just as entertaining as Celeste's. did it have the overarching theme that I enjoyed from Celeste's? Not as much, but it also does have a continuity that is fantastic, and builds your match very, very strongly.

SHIT

I loved this, as well. As I stated earlier, the connection to Barbosa's RP is phenomenal. I love every bit of it, right down to the clear synchronization of when you both posted your RP's (I see it as giving the reader forty minutes to read Barbosa's first, then havin SHIT's to continue the story right after. Even gives the reader time to digest before reading the next done. If that was the intent, well done,)

I loved the dialogue between SHIT and Barbosa. There's just something perfect about the chemistry between the characters, and I think this was the perfect resolution. It's also great that SHIT's match becomes the focal point; it isn't just Barbosa's match that matters, but SHIT also has a huge match we all should care about. It can be very easy when you have a tag partner with a big match to get overshadowed, but you made sure that wasn't the case. Very well done.

Two things really startling about this RP:

1. SHIT may be feeling emotion. Again, it's easy to say that SHIT was searching his history for acceptable responses when Barbosa mentions that SHIT isn't fighting for the big shiny. But it could also just as easily be the case of SHIT feeling emotion.

2. SHIT wants Barbosa to calm down his manic side. Fair enough, since it's the manic that wants to get rid of the silly man in the box. But also curious when Barbosa is at his most dangerous in his manic state. And with the world title in play, would Barbosa realistically do that?

Or, with Zeus on the horizon, will SHIT want the manic Barbosa to help ward off Zeus? After all, Zeus isn't watching them for no reasons... Might SHIT need manic Barbosa, to ward off the pending threat of Zeus? Or are they enough as is to handle him?

Hmm....


Regardless, damn good RP's for this week, fellas.
 
Nightmare

This was a very good, and most importantly simple RP to set yourself up for success at the scramble match. With a gimmick like the one that you're going for, it can be really difficult to make RP's that go everywhere, and lose a center focus. This didn't; it did an effective job of building the match, and building what Dustin plans to do against these opponents.

I would say that I'm not sure if the Dustin character is built enough, but then again, you have plenty of time, and that's the least of the issues plaguing Dustin. Sometimes, a nice and simple RP is the best remedy for a slump; ideas didn't go here and there, and most importantly, Dustin seems far more focused than he's been in a while. Very good job holding in the reigns for this RP. I think I would have liked to hear how Dustin plans to mutilate his opponents, but good stuff.

Krypto

This was fantastic. Again, much like Dustin, I don't know how much more I can say when I've given some feedback. But this had everything it needed; resolution of the Missy angle, heat for Alhazred, a way to back up true story for those that just joined the show, and that ending. That. Fucking. Ending. I loved it; at first I was scared, but god damn did I think that was perfect way for Krypto to end an RP for a match involving poles.

Fantastic stuff, really.

Alhazred

I'm sorry to say... I wasn't a huge fan. While Krypto went all out, this felt a little reserved. And granted, I guess that with this kind of feud that can be nice, but I wanted to see just how insane this could get. This is the blow off to the craziest feud in the history of the earth, filled with giants, power gloves, science, everything. Sometimes, reserved can work, I just don't think it did in his way.

It could also just as easily be the gigantic walls of text. Honestly, it makes it a little difficult to read, and makes the RP seem much longer than it needed to be. That, combined with the yellow text for Mister, makes it difficult to follow along, which is a damn shame, really.

Sandy

Where in the fuck was this all feud?!

Seriously, where in the fuck? This was amazing. This is what I was looking for all the time. And I can't speak for everyone, but this is what people wanted of Sandy the whole time for this feud. The dialogue was creepy, the images were prominent and gorgeous. This is the Sandy that can get you the victory, and I would have absolutely no problem losing to this RP. I really enjoyed everything about this RP.

... Except for one thing. If I'm going to critique, I have to be consistent. It was fun to read this, but this also suffered from gigantic blocks of text. Like, even more so than Alhazred's. It's this weird dichotomy; everything was enjoyable, but man did it also feel difficult to wade through stuff this thick. Breaking up the gigantic paragraphs would have suited you better, and that honestly made what should have felt fun a little like a chore. But compared to the content you have, that is negligible. Seriously, I wanted to see this, like, weeks ago. This is the Sandy that I think if you used, would have made Sandy a main event character.
 
Sam Smith

I've already gotten a taste of this RP, and thought it was excellent on first read. Reading it again, it's still extremely good, and carries some extremely creepy language to it.

I like that you directly state an issue, that your work is going neglected, through no fault of you own. At least, that's what I notice most about Sam Smith's tone, which I think is banked on. The idea of fleeting life is touched upon a lot, but this was very well done, observing the (fleeting) mortality of wrestlers. The story about the chocolate cake is interesting; maybe admittedly it was a little windy, but definitely interesting.

There's just one issue I have, and it's something I didn't think about until actually imagining it in my head. Because at this point;

Smith pokes his finger into the cake on the table and tries the frosting, nodding approvingly.

Smith: "Happy birthday to me, huh?"

Smith reaches up and fumbles with the party hat on his head. A thoughtful look crosses his face, but his eyes glimmer deceptively. He continues to sit, pondering, for a few minutes before finally speaking up again.
Click to expand...

This image? I get the thought of Randy Orton sitting with a stupid pointy birthday hat, with a finger in his mouth, smirking.

.... What's a matter, did Sam Smith sign up for Playgirl?

I get that you were going for creepy with this image; unfortunately, when I think it in my head, it comes off more goofy than creepy. This is what I imagine out of a seven year old, not a cold and calculating heel. Kurt Angle and Edge and Christian circa 2000 wears birthday hats; Sam Smith should not. And what's worse, I think that may have been in the rough draft you sent me, and I didn't really imagine the vision until now. So this falls on me, too.

Other than that image, I thought this was really good stuff.


Grizzly Bob

The tale of two RP's. Whereas Beard's was an absolute clusterfuck of insanity, this had a cohesive story, all on the idea of what it takes to be man.

And frankly, I loved Beard's, but I'd have to say I enjoyed this just as much, if not more. Something that gets underrated in your writing; your ability to write dialect is fantastic. That sometimes gets lost in a fed, especially when grammar can be an issue. But let me tell you, I appreciate that I can actually listen to what Bob is saying in his RPs. That gets you major points.

Your ability to describe nature is right brilliant, and the story told was damn good, that sometimes manhood isn't found through sheer violence. I like the story, I like the respect for the character, but most importantly, I like the overarching theme.

Ace Stevens

I liked this RP; I wouldn't say I loved it, but I certainly liked it. I like the fact that Ace is stil struggling with himself, and that the resolution is there, but it's not so simple. The last line is brilliant, and I really like the dialogue between the the therapist and Ace. I also really enjoy the dialogue of the dream sequence, though I wasn't as big into the the giant wall of text at the end. But I really do like this idea that Ace is conflicted, probably because of seeing someone (Vega) most would assume is very much like you.

The only thing I don't like as much is that Ace feels he has to make a choice. Why does he have to make a choice? Why can't there be a shade of grey? Because the world identifies with Captain Fantastic? That's all well and good, but answer this; why should that matter to Ace? At the end of the day, that seems to fly in the face of a character like Ace, who realizes that at the end of the day, what's important is himself.

Still, nice outing. Do I think it's enough to win? Perhaps, but I wouldn't call it a lock, by any means.

David Whitman

Oh, David, David, David.... What do I do with this?

See, here's the thing; it's a fantastic RP. The beginning promo is great. This line, right here? This one?

"The well-meaning man with bad luck like Butters Stotch on Coke and scotch."
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It's absolutely awesome. The dialogue between David and DC (frankly, I could give or take the Eli dialogue, but it certainly wasn't offensive) was damn good, too. The Disneyland line was great, the tension was there. Everything about that worked.

There's just one, one problem:

I like the David Whitman character. Like, I actually like him, and I do not want to boo him.

Listen, I've made no bones about it; I'd like a feud with a face David Whitman. But I'm not just saying that so I can get my feud; this character is written in a very likeable way. He's very down to earth, but he has a dry wit that makes him funny. He sticks up for people, and he doesn't act like a dick. I don't want to boo this man, I just don't want to boo him. But I know I'm supposed to; I just don't want to.

See how that could be an issue? The RP is wonderful, and I really believe it gets you the win. That's just my $ .02, I suppose.
 
Ricky Runn

Pancake, Pancake, Pancake.... I know you were fried, so I'm not going to pile on here, and I did want to tell you that I really do enjoy Ricky Runn the character, and think he's funny at certain points. I think causing a race riot in Manhattan was great; after all, it's heightened circumstances, and the most unlucky thing (save for hanging out with Jesus, and getting him crucified) that could happen to Ricky. And that was pretty good.

Here's the thing; where David Whitman made me want to cheer for him, when I should be booing, Ricky made me want to murder him, put him on a boat, set him on fire, and set him out to sea. I get the point of Ricky's gimmick that he's somewhat annoying, but it's endearing. This time, there was no endearing; even when I should have felt bad for Ricky, I didn't. And swag... Swagga... Swag... Swagga... Swag....

bart-getting-choked-o.gif


10 times, Pancake. 10 freaking times.

I never, ever want to hear Swag, ever again. Ever, ever, again. Please, drop this, ASAP. I beg of you; I plead upon the mercy of God.

Please?

Steven Holmes

Very, very tense stuff. This raised the tension of the main event of this match by, like, a thousand degrees. There's something to be said about the fact that this has one line of dialogue, yet the tension in this RP is palpable. A king who feels uneasy before battle is always something of a different theme to capture. I can sense the insanity from Holmes, where something as reliable as time becomes a conspiring force against the king. Sam Smith introduced the concept of time in RPs with his and did it great; this mastered the concept, frankly.

That said, and this may not be fair; I'm suprised there isn't a lingering fear of Celeste. Echelon's RP made it abundandtly clear that the chances of the title breaking up these two's happy home is abundantly clear. Granted, there was also resolution in that RP, but I'm somewhat surprised that Holmes doesn't at least turn over the idea that should the king fall, it would be the queen that would be the next to power. Holmes spends his time wondering of the unpredictable Barbosa; why not worry about the woman that sleeps right next to him?

Nevertheless, I really enjoyed reading this. Tense, very tense stuff.

Constantine

Well... This sucks :(

Not the actual RP, that itself was very good. I wouldn't go out of my way to call it great, but certainly good. But it does suck you'll be leaving. And here I was, having written my own fan fiction feud between Blade and Constantine :(

Well, looks like that fan fic Blade and Sam Smith feud will have to do.

This had pathos in it; big time points for that. I really enjoyed the fact that a relationship is concimated; coming into the fed, I wasn't sure where this was going, but hopefully something along those lines. I hope to see one day in the dirt sheet thread that Constantine and Mia have wed on some island in the South Pacific. This invoked sympathy from me, and if that was the plan, kudos.

That said, I wasn't sure how I felt about this essentially resigned to a loss. That's frankly what I read, and when you have Action Saxton, who's in the same boat and is doing the opposite, it becomes a little noticeable. Then again,your circumstances are different.

Regardless, this is sad. I really hope you enjoy the down time man, and I really hope this isn't the last RP we've seen from you.

Isabel Stone

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

I don't know how many of you have ever read my "Fab Five" thread, but in that thread, I wrote the following of Ms. Stone;

You needed a feud, like, a long time ago. But here's the thing; you don't do much help by doling out an RP like the super show round. To me, it was cute, but a little uninteresting, and meandering. Sad, because before this, you were on fire. And that fire makes me realize that if you had a feud, you could be great.

So how do you do it? Start calling out people in your RPs. Look at Blade's RP from the super show round. Blade doesn't have a feud, but he had a basis for a title shot, and he called for it. He's basically saying "hey I'm on fire, creative, do something."

There is absolutely nothing, nothing wrong with that. I'd love if you did that in your RPs.
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I'm not sure if you read that, but this round, I felt, was a shining example of why you could be great. You got back to focusing on your opponents, you called out their weaknesses. And lo and behold, son of a bitch, this felt far more focused, and hyped up the match so much better. I'm still curious exactly how you would do in a long term feud, but if this is any indication, I'd stake a bet that you'd do pretty damn well.

The only thing I would say is this; now, you gotta also be able to build your opponents up, before you tear them down. After all, if you win now, who did you really beat, going by your RP? Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to make your opponent look a little credible, but that's a minor quibble. I'm not sure if you have the win this week, but you sure are a lot closer to it than last week, and I think this Redo is exactly what you needed.
 
Feedback time, children! Gather 'round!

Grizzly Bob

- The reason why I like this character so much is that you can write and RP where he's doing stuff as mundane as shaving and hanging out with his dog and it's still fun to read. Grizzly Bob has written charisma.

- I'm torn on how Bob is affected by his feud with the Beard. On the one hand, I think yelling at the dog was a nice touch. But when Bob is on the hike and is being affected so much by the matches with Beard, it seems a little too far to me. The feud isn't that personal, and even if it was, Bob seems to me like a strong man, who'd be able to hold together emotionally in that kind of situation. I could be wrong though, he's your character.

- I think the stuff with the bear was a somewhat of a missed opportunity. I understand the message you were trying to convey, and the emergence of the cubs was a nice moment. But I think if Bob could've wrestled the bear, not seriously, just teaching the bear a lesson, it would've added some much needed light-heartedness to what is quite a serious RP.

- Still a good RP. It's going to be a close contest between you and Theo, and rightfully so, but I think you might just edge it.

- Blade wants his cigs back!


Dr. Zeus

- Firstly, I don't know if you were taking my feedback from the last round on board or if it's just coincidence, but you allowed us to get to know Dorian a lot more here, and it really pays off.

- Those last few lines of the backstory segment were spine chilling. Nicely done.

- I think someone mentioned that Leon likely wouldn't have gone to that church out of sheer fear. Most people write Leon as being a spineless wimp, and while I don't see the character that way, I still don't think he'd go to an abandoned church on an invitation from a murderer. It's kind of just a dumb move on Leon's part. Klamour, Becky and Stacey never would've gone there.

If I was you, I would've had some kind of intern who didn't know what was happening to record what was happening instead. And then, perhaps, the intern returns back to the company and is never the same again. Sorry, I'm rewriting your RP in your feedback.

- I always have too much to write about your RP. I'm lazy, I don't want much to write when I'm giving feedback, dammit!

- The RP seems to be written from Leon's POV, right? You describe really well what he's feeling, but that's only half of it. You don't describe much about what he's seeing. I'm someone who really enjoys knowing about a character's surroundings and the atmosphere. What does the church look like? What does the woman look like? Those are things that Leon should be telling us from his POV.

- As I've said in the discussion thread, it's all very intense and creepy. It's awesome.

- It's good, though not my favourite of your RP's. I think, for the first time, there's a chance you may lose. It's a battle between Creative's love for you and the surprising brilliance of Falk's RP. Can't wait for the match, though.


S.H.I.T

- Another abandoned church! I know you basically set the bar for abandoned church RP's, so I won't hold it against you that Zeus did the same thing ;)

- This may have been said several times before but S.H.I.T really reminds me of the Geth, especially when you go full-on in writing from S.H.I.T's POV. S.H.I.T's perception of the world and how it experiences the situation it's in is both intense and mesmerising. If all that makes sense.

- The conflict that S.H.I.T feels just makes it a better character. But I'm sure you know that.

- You and Barbosa just write each other so well that it's easy to forget that Barbosa is his own character, not an NPC you came up with. The chemistry and back and forth is magical. Yep, I just used the word magical, so what?

- The conversation with Bob at the end is surprisingly deep. You do a great job in making us care about this character, sympathising with it at times, despite the fact that it's such a ridiculous character.

- This is one of the best RP's I've ever read from you, and I can't find anything to criticise. You deserve the Elite X title.


Dustin Hunter

- You used Hunter's frustration at losing his match. That's good, it's what you should be doing. But it came off a little bit shoot-y. You made your feelings clear about your loss in the discussion thread, so this almost feels like some kind of 'fuck you' to Creative.

- You don't have the worst win-loss record. That would belong to Doug Crashin. And you're still significantly better than him. Just for the record.

- I actually like the Katie character, she's naturally likeable compared to Hunter, and acts as a good foil to him. You should use her a lot.

- You go over your opponents pretty well, you understand their situations and their weaknesses.

- There's not much else to say, cause this is quite a short RP, but it's a good improvement over last week. You have a decent chance of winning this scramble. You just have to figure out your strengths.



Sam Smith

- Your description is, as always, superb.

- I like Smith's cynicism, even towards something as joyful as a birthday. He's just a messed up guy. But he's also human, as evidenced by the story about his mother and the cake. It makes for a compelling character.

- I'm sure not many people are going to agree with me on this, but considering it seems like Merkley is not going to be around to RP, I would've put over Smith's anger and bitterness by ripping into Rush. That's not to disrespect Rush or Merkley, I just think it would've added to the RP.

- He seems to have nothing to prove, but wants to prove it anyway. In that regards, I see a lot of the old Blade in Smith. And I, of course, mean that in a complimentary way.

- Abortions? This just got a little too heavy. But at the same time, I love how Chelsea's confession seems to make Smith even more twisted rather than making him depressed. And that last line is killer.

- This RP has made me realise why people were campaigning for you to be in the World Title picture. Absolutely excellent work. To the point where I wouldn't even mind Smith holding the tag titles on his own.
 
*Steyn's sexy six-shooters*
(FB for Dr Zeus, Blade and The Angel)

Dr Zeus / Haiku
*The whole arc with Sandy being dreamt into being (actually meaning that she's nothing) is very imaginative and original and I'm glad you ran with it.
*The opening with the wife was sweet, if a bit idealistic, but it works. I don't find the Pallet Town theme as creepy as you apparently do, but at that very moment, it works both ways: 1) The happy music is the last echo of Geigel's sound mind. 2) The creepy music forshadows the fall of Geigel.
*Now we get the REALLY good stuff. Very vivid picture of where we left off with Leon. You kept Zeus as a mysterious figure by writing this part from Leon's perspective.
*Great imagery, not only by you, but by Zeus as well. The body bags, the pictures, the symbolic burning of Sandy... Riveting stuff.
*Sneaky little feud you teased with Technosa - love it. You weren't afraid to swing for the fences with Sandy and you'll give these two gentlemen a good run for their money.
*Just so I'm not completely reverse-cowgirling you - Dr Zeus's speeches... While I can certainly appreciate all the effort that go into them, I can only read so many rhyming couplets in an RP. On the one hand, it's a great and gimmicky way of writing him, but on the other, his lines tend to become a tad long for me personally, but I'm sure a lot of the readers like it as it is.

Blade / Blade
*Great dream you had there. People have no idea how it is to be homeless. This was as good a look at the despair and injustice that the homeless face as any. It was a rare working mixture of gritty and tongue-in-cheek.
*Blade bullied Joe into an overly stiff drink. We all have an uncle like that, I could relate. You built on your gimmick with Blade stealing hotel property, but, tell me, how exactly would a homeless person use a lightbulb?
*Personally loved the comic relief. It wasn't just a Grizzly mention for the sake of it, but it eased up on the readers before drawing them back for the meatiest bits of the RP. Same with Izzy's balls.
*Instead of burying your opponents, you put them over. Personally, I respected this. Honestly, I never was a huge fan of the "destiny" angle and I thought you'd go with "wily old vet". The plight of the poor is the primary drive behind Blade's face run and reverting to old Blade would lessen the impact his nightmare had on him.
*Joe was your interviewer - a useful little mute who allowed Blade to give an unofficial promo. What was original about Joe, was that as a bit-player (who we'll probably never see again), he had a backstory, a little personality and some actual impact on Blade's story.
*Great, great ending - nice little twist and highlights Blade's cunning and protection of the vulnerable. Great job.

The Angel / FWR
*Being in a tag-team is tough if it doesn't work out. If there's some animosity between the partners, especially so. Nice job, then, with an out-of-nowhere RP.
*I'm assuming you were also Armando Paradyse's handler, since Angel was linked with him before. Good job of Armando keeping kayfabe. Having said that, if it WAS him under the mask, he'd still know about the tag-team, so it left me a smooch confused. Was this because (and now my brain is broken) according to Angel's dream, this foreign AP wouldn't know his secrets?
*The rolling around was a tad sudden, even for a dream... It just felt like that part came out of nowhere, too. I don't know how one would flesh that out a little. You did give hints, but I felt the foreplay/ease could've went on longer. Considering your situation, it's understandable.
*The confrontation between Angel and "mirror" Armando was excellent, if not completely original. Still, the rhetoric was superb and Paradyse is getting a lot easier to take seriously.
*I thought the first two parts of this RP lacked a little in description. The third part was very good, but (especially with all the drama of the first two scenes) I missed it in the previous parts.
*It was a little more Armando than Angel, but I can understand that, because you're trying to build him as a threat. I like the Angel, love the gimmick, but wanted to see more of him. I get it, though, but if you're switching to AP completely, remember that there's at least one reader very much looking forward to Angel's character development.
 
Alright, what's that? I've fallen woefully short of the whole roster? Well... Fuck. Looks like I should do some moar feedback!

Ok, so here's the deal; right now, I really want to get all of the people from WZCW weekend, seeing as how they're show may be going on any second from now. So I'm going to do five (count 'em) five RP's here, then I'm going to do what's left of the WZCW weekend, and then tackle the big boys I hadn't before.

Action Saxton:

So... You're last RP, huh? Last one, you say? Well, then, let me be the first to tell you... It was good.

Very, very good. Would I call it Fab Five good? Nope, but I still enjoyed reading it.

The story, as always, was ridiculous. But that's always good. I understand why Vance Bateman is written the way he is, but from my experiences, he seems to come off more as a bastard. Of course, my main experience with him is from Blade's RP, so...

I kind of was waiting for that moment between Saboteur and Saxton, that sort of farewell feeling. This felt like filler, when it should have been conclusion, if that makes sense. Granted, JGlass does a good amount of that closure, but I also did like his RP a bit more.

The story was good, I just don't think it was the best I've seen from you. Again, high standards considering I rank you as one of the best we have, but this just didn't live up to it.

On a personal note; yeah, it sucks to see you go. Really really does. And I hope to see you come back soon, brother. Be it as Saxton, or someone else.

Mason

You got that royalty check in the mail, right?

Awesome; anyway, this was the explosion I guess I've been waiting for. I was waiting for Mason to finally question GM on bringing in DC, if he really has that big of a problem with him. It was done awesomely, and more importantly, no one got buried. It can be pretty easy, when doing the untrusting partners thing, to bury the partner. This didn't, and it really was some pretty tense stuff.

I love the tying together of sin; IIRC, you and Mystique did this pretty damn well, synching up exactly what you wanted to talk about. And luckily, there was never that moment I felt Mason and GM would break up. Solid, solid stuff.

Angel

I like the idea of the new direction; you just have to be sure it doesn't tread into Barbosa territory. Like I said to you in a PM, I'm thinking more the Nutty Professor.

But, if possible, make it a little less comedic. The Armando/Angel conversation in the mirror was good, but it should be held to a minimum. I think that way, you can make the characters less aware of the other's "actions", and add more of a statement to what you're trying to get across.

And, like I said before, stick to this idea. Trust me; sticking with the idea is your best option. Really pretty good stuff here, though.

James Howard

I remember you wanting to make sure the loss of sanity is apparent in Howard, and it is? I see a person that can't even carry his family duties because of how obsessed he is with work; if that was what you were going for, you nailed it. I can sense tension with everything in Howard's life, and this was absolutely a success. Did it synch up with the members of your teams RP? I'm honestly not so sure, but I don't think that hurts the RP so much. Good stuff, I say.

Derek Jacobs

Brother, I'm gonna miss you :(

That said, I'm sure that you were packed and that this was what you could offer. It was ok, but I do think there will be an issue with talking to the gravestone. Again, I appreciate the intent, but I think it can come off a little cliche.

That said, it makes perfect sense, since Derek has no one else to turn to. This was the type of getting back to focus that the character needs, and so I had no problems with it. Again, it was short, but definitely serviceable, if there was ever the time to use that word.

Next four coming in like an hour ish
 
Theron Daggershield

This was certainly a very enjoyable read. As a person that plays Munchkin, I can sort of get some of the jokes and humor that's to come with these RP's, and it's very apparent that you are just enjoying writing these things.

First off, something that's more important than anyone can know; it's clear you're writing about what you enjoy. You are going to have so much fodder for your RP's. The bigger the fight, the higher level the monste you'll face to get For treasure. When you can write about what you know, it's going to help.

The dialogue has a certain whimsy to it. It was still easy to read, but also tied into the theme. I'd read some Tolkien to get he writing down. And I do enjoy the transition to the world, and the almost tongue in cheek look in the way gamers take the game too much into reality.

The thing that would make this better is less characters, more description. I know parties might be gigantic, but you also want to give the party a chance to shine. Maybe give them some real world characters who have traits like their D&D kin. Less characters and more writing of the setting and scene will help your RP's go a long way.

Still, very fun stuff
 
Bobby Adams


I'm really not sure how I feel about a rather... Exposing first RP, in which Bobby kind of breaks kayfabe wide open.

Actually, I know how I feel about it; I hate it. I don't hate the writing, because it's all well written. I don't even hate the story, it's pretty common but well done here. But I do hate how your RP basically just says, "it's all bullshit". I'm not the kind of guy that says breaking kayfabe kills the business, don't get me wrong. But when in segments, characters like:

  • A person who thinks he's a robot.
  • A person who thinks he's an alien
  • Probably why I'm most pissed, a rhyming doctor who's here I purge the company of mental disorders.

All exist and thrive, both in the ring and backstage... You see why I disliked this so much? I can't feud with this character, and neither could many of the weirder characters, if the angle is that this is all not real, and we're nothing like the characters we portray in ring. And yes, I get that it's a different fed, but I don't think the light switch clicks the moment you enter WZCW, and it becomes real.

I'm probably being too harsh, because it's well written and the characters are likable. But man, I don't want to feud with Bobby Adams after this. And it's not because I don't like you as a writer and person. It's not even because I can't thinkfnoa good story, because I can. It's because if you're taking the shoot approach, my character, really all of our characters, get exposed
 
Ok, here we go. First round of feedback.

Bobby Adams/Dave

You're one of my opponents this week in the battle royal, but I still wanr to give you feedback anyway.

Overall, I genuinley liked this RP better than I liked the last couple of Constaintine ones. Personal preference probably.

No grammar issues that I saw, and the story of the RP was really good. Most people didn't like the kayfabe-breaking stuff, but I thought it enhanced and was a really good part of the story. Good job.

Mason Westhoff/Thriller

All hail the king of the short RP's. Plain and simple.
Every time I read one of your RP's, and I guess this is because I was so personally involved in Mason's story, I can see everything you're saying in my mind's eye. And while I would've liked to see more interaction between Mason and the rest of the Altar, It's beem a while since you've been home. And that worked really well here. Good stuff.
 
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