RP Feedback Thread

[IHW]

Krypto- I've read all of your RP's since I started here. They all entertain me. The character is funny, and keeps me interested. I like your way of writing, and I think this character has a lot of places it can go. This particular RP, while it wasn't the best of yours I have read, it was still great. Its cool how you and Triple X put each other over. I like how the RP is just dialog, and no detail are needed. Each time Krypto would talk, he would have a good paragraph worth of something to say. It wasn't just one or two words. Thats something I am trying to do with my RP. I want what Blaze's says to have meaning.

The big thing I like is Krypto explaining his recent storyline with Alhazred, and where he wants to go within the next year. I think the closing words from Krypto was a good way to end this RP. Good job.

Isabel Stone- I haven't followed your story much. You left right around the time I started. I haven't really read your return RP's. But, I enjoyed this one. I love the first person point of view. Could have went into more details with that potential sex scene. Lol. Its good that you focus a bit on the match, and more on the bigger picture with you and Ricky. The run Ricky Runn line was good, too.

Ricky Runn- I have read you RP's here and there. Not every one of them, but some since I've joined. Just a little note, not many RP's that I've read use quotations when characters talk. I thought about doing it, but ended up not. It doesn't change much, but its a little different. Now, I didn't see where you were going with the opening, but I quickly caught on. Should've known. Explosions. I can't say I know many details of the Ricky Runn character, but I do know the current gimmick. Reading this made me realize he is really an innocent assassin. And, he goofs of a lot. Those are the basic things I've learned from just one RP. The commercials were hilarious, and a unique way to incorporate your opponents into your RP. It was a fun RP to read.

Alhazred- This is the third of your RP's I have read, and do they always involve your toilet? I think its quite ironic that Facecrush's weakness is donuts. And not just any donuts, but Rainbow Sprinkled Donuts. I may have to get me one of those now. Anyways, the RP was great. It was funny, and made me legitimately smile a few times. The RP was short, and sweet (no pun intended) and got to the point. You got a bit about the match in there. And, you left an idea that could carry over into your next RP.

The overall idea was for Alhazred to get stronger, but he failed in his attempt. Does this mean he must lose the battle royal now? Oh, and RIP Fats.

If I had to pick a winner for this match, I'd probably vote Krypto. I liked all the RP's, but his stuck out the most.

 

[IHW]

S.H.I.T- First RP of yours I've read in a few rounds. I wondered where S.H.I.T came from. Who programmed him? But, I never asked. Quick note, it is Carnival of Carnage, not Carnival of Chaos. Easy mistake. And, to note, you are a hell of a writer. Just the way the RP is wrote makes it that much better. And, I hope S.H.I.T goes into Promo mode more often, because that ending was phenomenal.

Barbosa- Whoa. I've never read one of your RP's. I've heard things here and there about the many personalities of Barbosa. I always assumed that the were different characters, used at different times. Reminiscent of the faces of Foley. But, if I am correct, The Smoker, The Depressive, and the Manic are all one person at the same time? I may be wrong so please help me here.

This RP was really interesting. Its just so different. I have had trouble writing one character, and getting him right. You are doing three, and doing them great. I'm sure it took time to develop each identity. I am still a little confused, so can you clear it up by briefly explaining the character(s).

 

[IHW]

Action Saxton- These are the RP's I read most consistently. And, this RP is another reason why. They are pretty damn funny, and really fun to read. Little things like Jerry's "Sugar" are what makes them so fun. You and JGlass are both very creative, and I would love to see inside you two's process for coming up with these RP ideas. Me and HN, with C.O.C (errr...) just find a big concept and see where it goes. We layout our RPs together and then do details apart. And, tell each other what we think. Is you and J's process simple like this?

I have to admit, when the guys decided to try the muffins I began to think of all the things that could go wrong. That's what I like about reading your RP's. They make you think, and get you involved and get you wanting to know whats going to happen next. I love the cut scenes where you switch between Saxton and Saboteur. You do it at all the right times.


Saboteur- Another thing I can say I like is the plot. You all's RP start with Saboteur and Saxton coming up with some genius plan to obtain, in this case a tag title match, and then they go to such great lengths to get to it. And, there is always a twist. Just like the RP where Krypto's burp knocked the golf ball into the hole. With this one, wanting a tag title match leads to baking muffins, which leads to the boys getting arrested. Creative.

Some funny things include Saboteur wanting to stick around the jail while Saxton tries to leave, and little dialogs like "That’s because we were wrestling him!" The plug for Pepsi was funny too.

Great RP's from both of you guys.

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Grand Mystique:

I usually try to read your RP's since my time of joining the fed but i'll admit i've missed a few. Anyway lets get to it.

I really like the way you write GM and the interactions with Westhoff are always well written. I like how you have GM basically telling Mason he needs to start winning and possibly being more ruthless again. I'm sure Mikey won't accept the spot in TSA so it should be fun to see how he handles the two men.

One thing I don't get though is why GM offered Mikey a spot in TSA, unless it's just a ploy for him to try and avoid having to face him in which case it makes perfect sense.

I'm now left wondering who the slender figure is. Could it be somebody on the roster? Somebody brand new? I guess time will tell. But i'll be keeping a close eye on your next few RP's to see if we find out who it is.

Triple X:

I've skimmed a few of your RP's before but haven't read one in full in awhile. I must say the beginning of it was a little weird for me having X come out for a match at a house show?

Your promo however was good and well written. I think it makes up enough for the first part of the RP where your match this week could easily go either way. The first person talking here was fine too, normally I don't like it in RP's but it was just fine here, probably because of it being an in ring promo.


More feedback possibly to come later, still planning to do Bearded Gents but I found notes I took on these two RP's on my phone earlier today and figured I'd get this feedback up first.

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Bearded Gents:

I'm gonna cover you guys as a team because it's just easier this way.

You guys are a good team and if I remember right back at AoN I predicted you guys would win the tag titles.

The back and forth with Beard and Liam was pretty entertaining and my favorite part of Beard's half of this RP. Beard got with Lindsay Lohan? I hope that was before she got all gross looking!

I like how you guys are playing up your losing streak of late and i'm glad your not just playing it up with blaming each other because I can't imagine that being the "gentleman" thing to do nor is it something faces usually do.

The stuff with the nurse was weird. Have you guys used her in the past? Because she seemed to have...issues and likes to yell so I don't know if that's because of something in a past RP or not.

All in all you guys put out a good effort this time around and hopefully it snaps your losing streak. Of course you guys have a tough task with SaboSax against you so it may not end but i'm sure when Lethal Lottery rolls around you guys will be able to pull out a great effort. Goodluck guys.

 

[Dave]

Mason Westhoff (Thriller)

This is another great RP from you. What's awesome about your writing, is that you don't ever go into mountains and mountains of detail about every minute thing. I think I personally have the tendency to be overly verbose. But this is not something that you suffer from. Your writing is clear, concise and understandable. I was really impressed.

The other thing about your writing, is that it is really readable. At no point in your work do I ever feel as though I am getting bored or looking for the end. I think you break your work up in a way that it never becomes boring and I am always interested with what is happening.

As for the content, it was really good. The alliance between you and GM is really interesting but to what end? I especially liked the part with brother Jacobs and where that is going? Could we be seeing Jacobs return at the Lottery? I think so. Still, everything had it's place and there was a concurrent theme running through the entire piece.

Some things I didn't really “get” were; firstly, I didn't understand the significance of the first part of the RP. Was it just that Westhoff was upset at losing? I liked the imagery that you conjured but I didn't really see it was in there. Secondly, I see that you switch between past and present tense at some points in your writing. Here's an example:

Brother Westhoff laid in his bed, trying to sleep, but the echoing of Grand Mystique’s words wouldn’t allow it. Finally, as the sun began to peek out over the horizon, Brother Westhoff has an idea. His mind now calmed, he closes his eyes to get a couple hours of sleep.

I am generally quite forgiving of things like this but it just didn't read properly. The switch between tenses was quite noticeable but not really that off-putting. Maybe just want to take it on board rather than doing something about it if you're quite happy.

In spite of that, it was a good RP. I fully expect it to win.

 

[Thriller Ant]

I haven't had time to get to anyone else yet. I'll get it posted as soon as I can.

Sam Smith

- Your writing is very good, as always. The section introducing us to Evan a perfect example of it.
- Is the person in the next section talking to Sam supposed to be Rush? If so, you messed up your tagging later in the RP.
- I get the idea of the press conference, but I don’t know if it was strong enough to stand alone as the main scene of the RP. It would’ve had more impact if you had a promo scene talking about how you could manipulate a crowd of people much more easily than Constantine.
- Snowballing off of the previous idea, I felt that Evan ended up being kind of unessential to the RP. You easily could have had Sam run into Evan after the press conference and show his true colors that way. I really think this is a case of having all the right pieces, just not using them to their full potential.
- I am enjoying the slow build for the Chelsea story. You keep it moving forward, without making it the focus until you are ready for it to be.

 

[Dave]

CoC

Let me just qualify it by saying that I've never read any of you guys' work until this point. So If anything doesn't make sense to you, it's probably my fault, to be honest.

Okay, here we go.

The first thing I noticed, is that you guys have a distinct lack of description in your RP's. People are generally split into two groups on here; 'People that love description' and 'People that hate description'. Unfortunately, I belong to the former and I just don't think that there was enough in here. It left a lot to the imagination and sometimes that's not necessarily a good thing, you know? Your job as the author, is to paint a picture for the reader. For example, I had no idea that it was night time in the RP until they tried to get in the pool. That's something you might want to look at in the future.

The second thin I noticed was that you guys have a tendency to write each other's characters in different ways. I think you guys need to find a balance in your characters and make sure that everyone involved knows what their role is. If Dustin is going to be the problem drinker and the loose canon, then Blaze needs to be his handler; that's how it's got to work. There is no point in you both being loose canons because there is no room for development in that.

Still, these were good tag RP's. I'm not going to blow smoke up your asses and tell you that they were the best I've ever seen. But as far as a new tag team goes, you've got a lot of potential and I seen flashes of that throughout your work. For instance, you guys write really naturally for each other. You have a control of your characters and a shared vision. Both of those things will make it a lot easier to write a tag RP in the future.

What I will say, is that you guys should focus your work a little bit more. At times, I felt as though I was just reading a conversation with no purpose to it whatsoever. I think in future, it would be wise of you to really drive home a central theme in your RP's. I know that you are finally working as a team in this match but that's no reason to waffle. I also noticed some typos and some formatting errors but that's just part and parcel of RP'ing, I suppose.

Still, this was a good joint-RP and I have a feeling that you'll pick up the win. If you need help writing tag RP's or focussing more on a theme, just send me a PM and I can give you some help if required.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Carnival of Carnage

- I’ll just put these together to make it easy on myself. There were a few typos, mostly in Hollywood’s, nothing major, just some that a quick double check could’ve caught.
- I appreciate the recap at the start of the second RP. It’s a good way to make sure we get the plot line from the first RP and know it’s continuing.
- My biggest problem with these RPs, and let me first say that I’m not sure the gimmick you two are going for with this team, is that Dustin and Brent come off like a couple of kids that need Alexis to babysit them. You may want them to be something like that, but you need to add something to the gimmick so I am actually intimidated by them, rather than laughing at them. You both have shown that you can write well; now put some thought into the gimmick.

Bearded Gentlemen

- Once again, I’m combining the two. I love the idea of both of you confessing to Liam that you believe the losing streak is your fault. Having that third person is a nice way to do character development without relying on your partner.
- You both have such a grasp on your characters that even in this mini-slump you’ve been in, you can both use it to your advantage in a match like this.
- The only real issue I have is that I wish them agreeing to use their frustration to fix what’s going on would’ve ended the RP instead of the message from Saxton. The focus was on the frustration both men were feeling, and I would’ve liked to see them talking it out be the ending, since that is what you both seemingly were building to.

Constantine

- I haven’t read one of your RPs in a while, so forgive me if I miss something.
- Constantine comes off quite faceish in here. I don’t know how intentional that was, if you are considering a turn, or if it is just the product of a heel/heel match, but it could be something to explore.
- NPCs can often fall into the trap of only existing to set up lines for the actual character, but Mia was very well-written and had quite a bit of depth to her. I really enjoy reading NPCs when they are done well.
- Kind of like The Bearded Gents, I love how you used adversity in your favor in this RP. I know you couldn’t have imagined The Empire ending this shittily, but you made in into a very good RP. Crock had a great run, but you definitely earned this title win. Congrats, champ.

 

[Johnny Scumm]

Right, so like I said, FEEDBACK FOR EVERYONE! Starting off with the Tag Team Title match.

The Beard

- This is sad, however, there's still an element of humour, especially with the snot. The Uncle Louie stuff is borderline disturbing, however, it works.
-Your writing has improved vastly since you started.
- I want to see a relationship between Gent & Beard. They seem close enough. And we get a bowel movement that looks like a Robot. Genius.
- This RP is so feelgood, I think it's great. And then we move into the song, which has killed me laughing.
- The poem at the end's a great touch, really well done.
- Overall, a really nice RP Theo. With Gent's, they go perfectly side by side.

Le Gentleman Masque

- This RP is different to Theo's in a way that it's down to the point about the match. I like that you're both focused on something different, yours being the match.
- But we've still got Beard Is The Word! Wouldn't be right if it wasn't in it.
- Gent's angry and well, hopefully it doesn't play on his mind too much as we go into the Title match.
- Phew, for a second I thought we'd seen the end of the mask! I'm glad that you didn't.
- Compared to the rest of the RP's in this match, these two are shorter, yet I think they're both succinct.

S.H.I.T

- I do like your RP's, always have. "Revenge is edible?" is a great quote. As much as I know Barbosa & SHIT are both coloured in blue, I'm still confusing myself.
- Hah, Cash It Dolph. Must be a great show, pretty short though?
- So far, I feel like your description is a little bit lacking. Nothing against you, there's just certain things that seem like they're missing the odd bit of description here & there.
- It's Barbosa's birthday? Congratulations, I'm enjoying this part of the story.
- The "when is your activation date" part is brilliant. This flashback scenario to when SHIT was created, to see how he's changed now really helps you to see his story.
- Great RP Miko, I like this a lot.

Barbosa

- I like the way you start off your RP by recapping SHIT's, with the party scene. I also like that where SHIT moves straight to the finish of the party, you show us everything that's happened in between.
- The psychiatrist is a nice addition to the story.
- I thought, once we got into the party/psychiatrist scenes, this was going to be very serious, but you've even managed to put the humour in when you say "This is SHIT".
- There's an underlying tone of funny going through the conversation. If you meant it, great, if not, then you've done something strange.
- Overall, if this was between Technosa & Bearded Gents, I'd pick you two. However, we will now move onto SaxoSab's RPs.

Saboteur

- I already wanna know what Fluxtonium is. Sounds cool. I cracked up at the "Blackademy" part.
- Oh, so Fluxtonium's gonna help you go back in time?
- This time travel thing is genius, I really like it. You've actually given us a story to enjoy and you've got back years to do it, which is again, brilliant.
- I think that this story is getting better and better, but wait, if you're Fakename McGillicutty, then who's Saboteur? I kid, I like the name and the fact he's fallen for it cracks me up.
- All the way up to the end, this has been a great story, absolutely brilliant. The fact it's going to carry on in Saxton's RP has me moving straight onto it.

Action Saxton

- The first part that really gets me is the "Take 57" part, because just before that, asking if he wants to be an actor or not, you'd assume he was on Take 1.
- Smith isn't having much luck now, is he? First, his acting starts to fall a bit flat, now he's afraid of robots with personality disorders. This is great writing though.
- The speech leading up to Saxton's confidence is great & Fakename really knows how to put him right, leading into some great acting.
- Coming back to the present and it's like nothing ever happened, but the emotion's there, which is why it works.
- From the two of you, some great RP's. I think you may have this one in the bag.

So, we move from the Tag Title match, onto the Lottery.

Thrash

- Awesome RP, you're gonna win it.


Dustin Hunter

- First thing I think of, what are Hunter/Blaze doing in Michigan on a sunny afternoon? Going dogging? Playing tennis? The description needs to be there!
- There's no point in arguing with Blaze if you're partners. Conversation comes over a little bit like you're Robots talking, but not like SHIT.
- Is it just me or do the two of you come across like teenagers?
- There's a story going on here, which isn't bad. It could do with some tweaking, but I'm not sure on what.
- Compared to what I've read, this is pretty short. I wouldn't call it a LL winning RP, but I would call it a match winning RP.

Sam Smith

- The Prologue is brilliant and we're only on the first of 5 parts. I'm not too sure that looking at falling into obscurity would come from losing the Lethal Lottery, but if that's what you think, it's down to you.
- Woah, that's a big part in the Revelation. Chelsea's pregnant, which means that Sam's going to become a Father. However, this does have me hooked.
- The start to Consequences is emotional, in a good way. But the ending is even more emotional, seeing Sam's father in the condition that he's in.
- It's nice to see Sam take the main role in the Epilogue, with a simple, yet very effective interview.
- Overall, this is a great RP and it puts you up as a contender to win the match.

Brent Blaze

- I feel like the way you've done this RP, with the dates and everything has been lifted from mine, but maybe you already had it planned.
- You need to make sure that you're using the correct version of words, you've used the wrong "there/they're/their" a few times and it is off putting.
- The first part of the RP that actually makes me want to read it is "The Day After Aftershock". The first two parts are a little bit, blech. I once wrote an RP for a tag match with Black Dragon, which basically took his RP and reworded it through the eyes of Scumm. Needless to say, it was shit.
- Alexis is a good character and you know how to write her well.
- WZCW House Show? I never knew we had "Local opponents" and they are sort of usually only used in squash matches. I kinda feel like you're writing it so you're fighting two members of the WZCW Roster, just nameless.
- The phone call is confusing. You're talking to someone, then you're talking to multiple people.
- The ending to the RP is good, better than the rest of it. However, I'm not too sure why you're going all the way up to the Lottery itself. It's cool. but too predictable

Grizzly Bob

- Can I say I've been looking forward to this? Dustin Hunter should take lessons in descriptive writing from you. It's absolutely brilliant.
- The first section is a mixture of some great descriptions, mixed in with some nice conversation material. The fact you've pulled off a conversation with your dog is awesome.
- I think the way that Bob looks at the Lottery is brilliant, with the little glimpses into the past, even remembering that you have allies as well as enemies.
- Like I said to Hunter, I think this is more of a match winning RP, rather than a LL RP, however, it's still a damn good RP.

Jimmy Flynn

- I'm not sure what I think of the opening interview with Klamor. Parts of it work, and parts don't. However, being doubted is a way to make sure that you have to prove yourself, so use that to your advantage.
- This is weird, the second part to your RP is awesome. The description at the start is awesome, it's like you've gone to hell to take part in an interview with the Devil's son (That's what I call Damien). The way you move from that into the part with Klamor at the end is nice and it sounds like a slight change in attitude to Flynn at the end, really wanting to make a difference.
- Keep an eye out for grammar/spelling mistakes, they're possible from anyone, but just make sure!
- A well written piece though.

Krypto

- Description, very nice. You've probably guessed I'm a sucker for it now, and yours is good.
- There's a "their" instead of "they're", but I almost didn't notice it because I'm really enjoying reading this. Krypto's this character that shouldn't work, but really does.
- The sexual side of Krypto coming out here is killing me, it's great. But he seems to like everyone.
- Oh my god, I've just started to read the gameshow part and I think you're the first person who's made me laugh more then SaboSax.
- There's a slight dip in quality when the conversation start with Missy. It starts of a bit weird, but it gradually makes more sense.
- You bring it all back down to normal when you finish and I must say, this has been a great RP. You'll certainly be making a surprise in the LL.

Constantine

- The idea of FluX is brilliant, as I've already told you.
- The fact you could go through so much of an RP without even featuring a word from Constantine, but make it so interesting is the proof of a good writer.
- I love the Constantine interview though, because I'm interested to know what his game plan is. You've done that thing where you get our attention, but stop talking before we know too much, which annoys me so much.
- It's a great RP though, really well done man, as always. Just don't do that tl;dr thing.

Sandy Deserts

- I started reading this and I thought Sandy was giving birth.
- Interesting opening to the RP, but very well written. Great conversation between Michelle & Sandy, quite emotional in a way, but not too much.
- At least there's a little joke in there, I needed something to lighten that up.
- Like I've mentioned earlier, I'm not a fan of the House Show thing. Who are you facing? Where I could see Sandy facing a local competitor rather than Blaze, it's still a bit of a strange one to me.
- However, great interview with Becky at the end, and perfectly written. Brings the whole RP to a great end, well done on that.

Rush

- I love this idea. It's something I've seen you do before, but it's still unique and works great when you RP.
- You annoy me at how good you are with descriptions and just making it feel like something I could genuinely sit and watch on a Wrestling programme. I can totally get behind sitting down, watching Raw and seeing this in a backstage promo.
- The way that you also link the religious text to your RP is a nice touch.
- It's long, but by no means does it get boring. It's absolutely brilliant and you are definitely a massive contender to win this thing.

Mason Westhoff

- Or should I say, "Brother" Mason Westhoff?
- One of your longer RP's I see This is why I think you're one of the better RP'ers around here actually. You manage to keep them short, but to the point, meaning you win things.
- The conversation with Jacobs is nice, well written.
- Lastly, the ending is nice, but the focus on the Lottery seems to have been lost a little bit. Good RP though.

Triple X

- I was expecting an essay of an RP to read here, luckily, it's not that bad.
- The premise for this is smart, and something that I can actually sit down and, if I close my eyes, imagine quite well.
- I think the way you talk about the past, with the use of images only throughout. Also, you've only used yourself, which is great, because it's hard to pull an RP off with nobody else being in it.
- I love this RP, like mad. It's got potential to make a few waves in the match, good luck man.

Ricky Runn

- Why so short? This is kinda strange, not something I'd have expected from you!
- Strangely, it's pretty funny. In a silly way mind.
- Being so short, there's not much I can say. It's obviously not a winning RP, is that what you were planning on doing?

Alhazred

- Dude, where do you get the inspiration for your RP's from? These things are mad, but in the best way possible.
- A talking pickle. It's cool, we've got an Alien and a Robot, so a Pickle's good.
- I think we just found out that Alhazred's a virgin. That got me the most, that was hilarious.
- If there's one thing I have to say, you really know how to write. It's a great RP man, well done.

 

[Con T.]

Soooo, I fucked up, and did my first feedback via PM . I then fucked up by putting it into spam; so, well, here I am to collect my non spam post

Krypto; I already said this to you, but it's fucking hilarious.

1. Fucking love the use of flashback. Krypto's response to it was really great, but it worked. The actual flashback may have been a tiny bit long, but other than that, fucking great.
   
2. I really loved the interchanges between Krypto, Missy, and the Beard. There's something just wonderful about the idea of bringing in this guy who's so "normal" and dragging him into this surreal world. I always love the wacky partners angle, and if I'm being honest, I'd love to see this team become a regular thing.
   
3. Speaking of which, it's abundantly clear that you two collaborated quite a bit to do this, and it works perfectly. Beard's partner's departure is addressed, and there's logic to why this tag match is occurring.
   
4. I want to see where the power glove leads.

I got to read Beard's, and it was pretty damn good, too. Again, wacky partners are always funny, to me. Of course, I also loved Head Cheese, so there is that.

Now, to JAM; had some bright spots, some things that as a reader I was waiting for. Understand, if it seems like I'm saying some negatives compared to Krypto, it's not a slight to you. I just fucking loved his, and couldn't find many things to critique

• I like the idea of expressing the thoughts of a debuting wrestler in her first match. I think you catch it pretty well. But, I also think it was pretty lengthy, and could have been cut by a decent amount. It shows you can write out matches, but what does it show about your character, or your ability to write it?
• We've established hardships, which is good. But I think you could do better than referring to it as "those hardships" or "teenage years". Remember, this is a new character, to a brand new audience. Everyone has problems, what makes me want to care about these problems? What makes her story so riveting? I know it's the weight loss, but the audience doesn't, and if they don't, then it just becomes an idle thought.
• I like the boxing angle to your character; it adds something to your character that makes it different. Maybe you can accentuate that in future RPs. Maybe she's a former prize fighter boxer, but had to take this chance and leave that career to come here?
• This isn't just a thing for you, it's with all of professional wrestling; I want to know why you think you can win? What makes you different? See, boxing makes you different; if you emphasize that part of your training, it makes me as an audience member think you have something the other wrestlers don't

Now, on to Blade. His was probably the most difficult, seeing as how I don't know the total history of the character. From what I read in his most recent RP's, and your character bio, it seems like this is a pretty different character change for you.. If it isn't, I apologize. Given what you wrote in the backstage thread, it seems that you've decided to make your character a face, and one with a pretty timely gimmick. So here's what I wrote down.

• The backstory to Blade's face turn is pretty sound logic. Though, I was confused to if the shooting also had a sort of traumatizing effect on Blade.
• I like the gimmick of the everyman, but I do hope this doesn't become a shade of white/black sort of storyline. I think there's multiple nuances to this sort of gimmick that makes even the millionaires who Blade will fight against understandable. I hope the men that Blade fights against are recognized as people, rather than just evil shadowy figures of evil. Again, if this gimmick is going down the realism tunnel, that's just what I think, I could be wrong.
• Really love Blade's wit. It's very well written. You are so into the mind of this character, that it works perfectly. There's also a really weird chemistry to you and Klamor.
• Very good reintroductory promo. It answers all of the important questions. I do wish that you talked more about Bowen, but I also understand that you need to get introduced to the audience again, so it's not that big a thing.

Very solid jobs by everyone all around

 

[Beastmode 24]

Hola Bitches! It is now time for some feedback from everyone's favorite nipple (that's not attached to a wwe diva)


Thrash

This was a decent RP. The formatting was good, but you did make some grammar errors here and there. If you were going up against anyone else except Dr. Zeus, I think this could squeak out a win. Unfortunately, the grammar errors I saw might keep you from winning this round. Great story, good use of Klamor, and good use of Dr. Zeus himself. I just think that your grammar might keep you from winning here.

Saboteur

This RP is fucking hilarious. You (and I believe Doc as well when his is posted) hit the ball out of the park again with this one. The poker scene with Garret, Krypto and Becky was outstanding, and I think it would be funny to keep having Garret try to go after Becky. You mentioned your opponents in a way that tore them down/put them over, like you always do, and you left me wanting to read Doc's when it is posted. When me and Thriller teamed up, this is how I wanted ours to read. Outstanding job JGlass.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Blade

First of all, welcome back to the fed. I wanted to have some interaction with you before you left, as Blade was one of my favorite characters before I joined. Hopefully now that you're back I'll have that opportunity. With that out of the way, let's get to the feedback.

-So Blade goes from the Son of Destiny, to Robin Hood. I like this. One of my biggest harps on guys is that they turn face or heel just because. Blade had a reason to change his ways. The murder of the homeless man was his wake up call. I like it.

- No real grammar or spelling errors. And I enjoyed the interaction between Blade and Klamor. Overall a good RP

Like I said above, overall this was a good roleplay. Considering that you haven't written one of these in almost a year (!) this was a great job. Bowen is one hell of a RP'er as well, so you might be in for a challenge, but I'm confident that this Roleplay will hold up against his.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Round 3.

SHIT

The character development of SHIT has been awesome since you teamed with Barbosa. SHIT was always one of my more favorite characters in the thread, simply because of how over the top the character is. Yourself and Barbosa have been telling some great stories, and this is no exception. When SHIT thinks that it needed Barbosa, I feel like that was a major point in the arc of the Barbosa/SHIT story, and when it called Barbosa it's friend, I knew that this was a great piece of work. Outstanding job with the story.

As far as formatting/grammar goes, there weren't any grammar mistakes that I saw, but I really wasn't a fan of Barbosa and SHIT sharing the same color for a piece of the dialogue. That was really the only thing that I have against this RP.

Great Job

Ricky Runn

Dear. Jesus.

This RP was the most RIDICULOUS thing I've ever read (until Doc puts his RP up with him and Saboteur in China), but it fit's the sad tale of Ricky Runn: Accidental Assassin to a T. The way that you made fun of Mystique in the RP by comparing him to the bear had me genuinely laughing out loud. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, and the formatting was good to me. Good job.

I really liked this RP alot

 

[Con T.]

Mikey Stormrage's Third Nipple

I wrote this before, but now that I've read a good amount of the return/debut RPs, I liked yours most. Part of the reason I liked it most is because you have a known direction that you want to take your character. Now granted, that was built into the LL, but you know what you want to to do, and take it. I like how much it seems you and the rest of Strikeforce communicated to create your RPs. How you got the phone number is also spoken of in Shotaro's RP, and it all makes sense. The only thing I would say is that maybe you could address the timeline a little better through both of your RPs. If you don't read Shotaro's, you kind of wonder what you mean by "the e-mail".

The promo itself, I told you, was classic babyface fire. That, sir, was a Dusty promo, and that's a very high compliment. I really loved the house show promo, a lot. There's a good amount of sympathy, anger, and even the old fashioned babyface promise. I was almost hoping for a mention of hard times, it was that good

We talked about the venue for doing your promo, the whole house show deal. For what you wanted to do, I can see what you were going for. I may experiment with the idea of a house show promo, but I do think something like your return promo shouldn't happen on a house show. But I can see why you would want to do it, and for your promo, it worked pretty well.

This may be a little ticky tack, but I would have liked maybe a little more description into the scene at the grave. Otherwise, really good RP all around

 

[TheRealDC]

James Howard;

I did do some digging on you to find some earlier RPs as well. I failed to research the matches as to what happened and didn't link you to Derek. But that's my failing. What I did like about your RP though is the style. I really wish I could conform into something like that but I think script style suits me better. It takes getting used to, first person, and novelist style, but I dig it. In my opinion though you could bring your opponent up a little more. Not just me, but when it comes to promo, I'm a firm believer in the "set them up, knock them down." mentality. If, say, DC does beat James Howard, he will be beaten by a man with only one win to his name (in WZCW). That will shoot DC up and knock James down. But, story wise, you do a pretty damn good job of accounting for everyone. It seems straightforward, I'm not familiar with too much of your work but seeing these guys let their guard down once in a while would be a good thing, bring some realism to it. Again if you have I must've missed it whilst researching. I liked the RP though, again, good luck.

PS: forgot about this part, DC is NOT like Jeff Hardy. Basically I'm only using the face. I had clashes with creative my entire run in efeds. It's basically just Jeff's face. My profile says what he looks like. No facepaint.

[I'm guessing I just edit in more feedback later if that's how it could work and just update from Discussion thread?]

 

[Shotaro]

TheRealDC

Not sure how wise it is to be giving my opponent this week feedback but I figure you've been away for a while so it can't do either of us any harm. You should know up front. I'm really goddamn harsh with the feedback I give but it's always meant with the best intent. Anyway, enough of this nonsense on with the feedback!

In general it's ok, I wouldn't describe it as great because there are a few things that need some serious work and a few things that may not get you DQed this round but will almost certainly do so if you don't change it.

Length
I'm probably the last person to be saying anything about RP length but here I feel it's necessary. It's not that your RP is too long (though it kind of is) it's also that there's so much repetition and unnecessary description in it that it could easily lose 500 words, if not more.

"The questions is met with a deep long sigh. As Eli looks away from D, and kind of flips a piece of paper or something hanging from the wall."

There are three issues here but the spelling mistake is easy enough to overlook given that you wrote your RP on a phone. The second sentence however is about 8 words too long and has this massively unnecessary comma right in the middle of it.

"Eli turns away and *ADJECTIVE* flicks a poster from the wall"

10 words less right there and it's just one sentence. Hell the adjective is not even necessary, it conveys Eli's desire to change subject just as easily and it makes your RP snappier and more concise. The overly long descriptions that are frankly everywhere in your RP make it in some places really difficult to read.

Descriptions (aka the fifth character)

I'm not sure what you're doing with the descriptions, the first two paragraphs are laid back, almost conversational. Once the dialogue kicks in that same description becomes very functional, I like that it has a personality and it's a shame that that disappeared so suddenly. Even then though, your descriptions often are rambling and overly long. If you're planning to do that style of dialogue you need to stick with it or it makes the times you use it look out of place.

I do need to point out the third paragraph as something to think about. That last damn sentence.

"Though the description has taken a little bit to get through, we have joined them in mid conversation"

I just don't understand why the sentence is there. Maybe I don't get it but it's the only time the narrator comments upon what he's been saying and it makes the narrator seem like a character it's also one of the rare times it happens. Is the narrator supposed to be character or not? If he is then stick with it. I'm not a huge fan of the way he breaks the fourth wall though, but that's just personal opinion.

Dialogue
Your promo is pretty well written, but it seems to be a bit too long. It runs at about 1,000 words once you remove the descriptions (why I've removed the descriptions is coming) I like the way you do it though. I saw the feedback you gave to me and I think it really is something that you do well.

The Problem - in spoilers don't read creative folks as I don't want it to appear that I'm tattling or some other nonsense.

Spoiler

You swear way too much. I'm a mathematician so I'm going to run the numbers for you.

Of the 3,127 words in your RP 12 of them were in Carlin's bit and there's a dick thrown in there for good measure. 13 swear words in a 3,127 word rp means there's a curse roughly every 241 words. That is a LOT. Especially considering ten of them are 'Fuck' which I don't know if you realised you didn't censor three times which is a major inconsistency. But I digress.

1,543 of those words are dialogue and all 12 hard swears are in that bit. That's one every 126 words. I'm only going on personal experience but I had 5 swears in an RP that was around 2,500 words and I got reprimanded so I'm pretty confident if you swear this often on a regular basis it will cost you matches.

You're using it as a crutch. It makes you look lazy and it takes so much away from your RP. Stop it.

 

[Con T.]

James Howard VS DC

Shotaro

I may as well fill out this whole thing while I've done Meeks, and plan to do Yaz by the morning. Much like Yaz', very good stuff, though there were some things I was going to point to. The overall premise is good, that this band is struggling to remain cohesive, in the wake of a looming force. That said:

• I'm always a believer in the idea that you build a guy up before you tear him down. That way, it really matters when you beat the person. If you beat a guy who has a bad win loss record and is old, and that you're overestimating, who did you really beat? Furthermore, what happens if he beats you? I think there was an attempt to build him up a little, especially with the Kensworth talk. But it seems like he's more a threat in how he speaks, than as an actual physical threat. And at the end of the day, it's still a wrestling match.
• I'm still a little confused as to whether Jacobs left by the time you and Mikey had your spat. To me, details like that never hurt when you put them in, unless it feels like you're trying to force it in.
• The more I think about that, and I should have mentioned it before, but it didn't really hit me; the joke at the first paragraph with the midget was pretty funny. Though, it felt a little forced, like there was an attempt to add levity to a pretty serious angle, and this was how. Levity during serious points are always great, but I don't know if it had the intended impact.

Other than that? I liked it; I really liked the promo. I also liked the building tension, and want to see where this all goes.

DC

I won't lie; I had a pretty good amount of issues with this RP. It was surely well written, and you know how to craft a promo. When I read an RP, I judge it based on if I enjoyed reading it.

I don't want to sound like a dick, but I didn't enjoy reading the RP. The narrator/omniscient presence/camera guy was really sort of confusing to me, as was his nature. There were times when it shifted from "he", to "I", to "you", and it got somewhat confusing for the reader to follow along.

I laughed at the Westboro line... That was really good.

I think it could have benefited from more description. There were times where I barely understood what was going on.

There are a lot of grammatical errors.

I feel it could have done without a vast majority of the stage directions. Take this snippet;

Spoiler

D.C.: I'm not getting humble by any means. What I'm saying is that, once you get that Midas touch, it's hard to just fall back into line. See we kind of have some similarities. Minus the part where you were undefeated in the Mixed Martial Arts game. But, you were on the cusp of breaking into the big leagues... But you broke. Don't feed me the bullshit saying that seeing your own blood throws you into a rage. Come on kid.

*D cranks his wrist in front of his waist and "tosses it aside".*

D.C.: You flipped out because someone was better then you and you were being forced to realize it before you were ready to admit it.

*As he makes the point he sort of gazes into the camera. Shaking his head slightly as if snapping out of it.*

D.C.: But we were both cast down before we were ready to give up that throne. I had a career you have wet dreams about. I faced down devils without batting an eye. I started wars. I won championships. I won every award you could possibly think of.

*D raises his shoulders, again looking at Eli.*

D.C.: A Hall of Famer... At least to some people.

*He turns away from Eli, lowering his shoulders, and back towards the camera with a small lean.*

D.C.: But like I said James, we were both cast down before we were ready. Granted, you were cast down for flipping out. I got paid to lose my mind, and got paid to make others lose theirs. The point I'm making, is that while we were both at that low point, that is where our similarities end. We were forced into starting over. So instead of doing what you did and just get paid to beat people up again I tried that "normal life".

Here, you probably didn't need half of the stage directions given, and I feel it really hinders your writing.

Shotaro's point that he made has a lot of merit;I feel your writing could have done without a lot of what Shotaro talks about, and that it again hinders your writing.

At the end of the day, does this make me exicted to see the progression of this feud? If I'm being honest, not really. I can see that there are definitely some things you'll work off in time, so I'm sure you know better than I what you want to do. This just wasn't my favorite.


Hades VS Johnny Flynn

Find'er Woo'er Ryder

I know that this was something you weren't exactly proud of, so I can't knock it too much, because I imagine you know that this could have been better. But, I do think that the gimmick, as is, needs a little overhaul.

From the RP given, it seems that the character believes that he is legitimately Hades, that this is his character. From the bio, it seems like he feels that he's a descendant of Ares. I think that when you finally get a good grasp of the direction you want to take your character, you'll be fine. But I really think you should consider where you want to take this gimmick. The promise could be there; hell, people have been retelling Greek stories forever. I just think that a little fine tuning of the gimmick will go a long way.

MMS

I'm torn on this; there's things I liked, and things I really could have done without.

I'll be perfectly honest; I didn't see the need for talking to the kids in the audience, at all. It gets over that Johnny Flynn is a nice guy, but it also wasn't that interesting to me. I'm sorry if that is hurtful, but I just didn't know where it was going, and felt like your piece could have been much better if like a good 2/3 of that speech to the kids was taken out.

And that's sort of the problem; at the end of the day, this is what was devoted to your match:

Spoiler

Jimmy: Leon! What brings you here?

Leon: I heard you were doing this, and I thought I’d stop by. Have you heard your matchup for this week?

Jimmy nods.

Jimmy: Yep, got a message about it before I came out. The crazy Greek, Hades.

Leon nods, then pulls out a piece of paper.

Leon: Thoughts?

Jimmy chuckles, then shakes his head.

Jimmy: First, get your myths straight. Second, I’m ready to give this rookie the crash course. His first match will be the way for him to learn, and I’ll teach him the ways of the ring. Hades, be ready to dance.

Jimmy walks away as the scene fades.

At the end of the day, how much you speak about why this match is important should focus on more than just that.

Essentially, this RP feels like Career Day at high school. And that's not what it should be, at least to me.

Will finish a few more matches tonight, some tomorrow morning

 

[Johnny Scumm]

Derek Jacobs.

- Why was I expecting this to be longer?
- The use of WZCW House Shows was done a bit at the Lottery, so it's something that seems a little bit lazy. Sorry.
- I do like your opening promo though, it's hard-hitting.
- The second third of your RP is the better half, some good writing.
- Back to the promo and it's nice to have the crowd on your side, your writing's good, albeit short.
- Overall, I do like this, the match is pretty even in my eyes.

 

[GI Cake]

Meeks (Derek Jacobs)

This is one of the times where less is more, and certainly made the RP a bit more enjoyable.

While I do enjoy the length, simple descriptions can do enough to allow the reader to focus on the character development. Which is pretty vital considering you're intent to turn Jacobs face.

The use of repetition was well done with the whole "I'm going to hell" shitck. It conveyed Jacob's was feeling some sense of remorse or guilt. Though I feel you can elaborate on it more and bring it up in later pieces.

Overall, not a bad job, it was short, sweet, and straight to the point.

 

[Blade]

Okay, I don't know most of your characters that well, and those that I do know (Sam Smith) I haven't seen in a year, so you'll have to bear with me on this.

Crock/Sam Smith

- I'm not a guy who is easily impressed by description, I'm more interested in dialogue. But your first few paragraphs set up the scene so well without having to describe every little thing. Description is definitely one of your key strengths, and I'm glad you're using it to its full potential.

- Sam clearly has some dark stuff going on. Like I've said, I don't know what you're character has been through in the last year, but I'm intrigued.

- A sock covered in blood? That Smith had no idea about? Wow, I have missed a lot. Is he going insane? I'm not sure what's going on, but to me it's toeing the line between dark storyline and silly shark-jumping. I would say make sure it doesn't become too ridiculous, because that's the path to being unintentionally comedic.

- Smith calling Technosa on their bullshit in his own way. I liked that.

- As cheesy as it may sound, I gathered that Smith may be battling himself more than any of his enemies. Though it's been a year since I read one of your RP's, I'm totally into seeing where the character goes. Definitely an interesting RP, to say the least.

Edit: - I just read your rep comments, and I understand it more now. It's certainly an RP that takes a couple of reads to figure it out. I like that kind of storytelling, so that's really cool. Sorry for not getting it the first time around!

Rating: B-


Thriller/Mason Westhoff

- This one is difficult to look at objectively, cause I miss Phoenix and his crazy history with Blade! With that said, you do well with dark gimmicks, so I'm looking forward to reading this.

- I didn't know much about this angle, but you've certainly given me a good insight into the history here, particularly Westhoff's history with Jacobs. Good recapping without going too far into detail.

- This may seem like an odd compliment, but I how Westoff seems to speak. Speaking about a cult-like religion and misguided beliefs in such a (the way I'm imaging it) matter-of-fact tone is a superb heel trait. It reminds me of Comstock from Bioshock Infinite.

- Simple descriptions. Perhaps too simple?

- I know you're the master of the short RP, Thriller, but I did think you'd have a lot more to say considering all the insanity at Lethal Lottery. But still a solid RP.

C+


Meeks/Derek Jacobs

- From reading Jacobs' bio, I like the mercenary gimmick. So I find it weird that someone who I would imagine is very cold and reasonable would get caught up in a cult. Alas, maybe it's been a great angle, I'm just not how it got here.

- A lot of people dislike the promo-at-a-house-show RP. But I'm fine with it. If it suits the RP, it suits the RP.

- That house show promo was very articulate, and slightly poetic. I liked it.

- A minor gripe, but you talk about going to hell and bringing people to hell too much. I know Pancake said he liked it and I get it's part of the gimmick or angle, but it didn't work for me. When you're making these statements that are quite chilling, less is more.

- You get your point across. But Jacobs was just betrayed by someone who he loved like a brother, I didn't feel that much emotion in your writing. Whatever anger, bitterness, etc. Jacobs felt, I wasn't feeling it.

- A couple of minor grammatical errors. But overall, not bad at all.

Rating: C


Shotaro/James Howard

- Another writer and character I'm not entirely familiar with, but I've heard good things about you, so I'm looking forward to this.

- That stuff about Sudoroso was hilarious, even though it did go off on a bit of tangent while you were trying to make a simple point.

- Your descriptive skills are good.

- I don't write in the first person because I don't like to give an insight into Blade's mind, I keep my cards close to my chest and watch people try to figure out the character. But I think the first person writing fits your writing style and character so well, it really helped me get into the RP.

- Maybe this is just me, but I prefer dialogue to have it's own lines. Your style made the transition between the two feel a little less crisp and a little more sloppy. Also, a bad line of dialogue can take away a lot from some good description when they're right beside each other. If that makes any sense.

- Good promo on DC. Well reasoned arguments, while still throwing in some decent trash talk. Overall, a very enjoyable RP.

Rating: B-

Manure/Grizzly Bob

- I already love this character, he seems like such a lovely man. And he's instantly relatable just from the love for his dog.

- I really like how you write his dialogue as well. He reminds me of the characters in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. If you haven't seen it, see it soon!

- "WHY? WHYYYYY? FACECRUSH McSPINESMASHER CRUSHES FACES AND SMASHES SPINES!" I lost my shit right here.

- Well, this was an odd, funny and strangely charming RP. Can't find much to criticise and I may have just found my new favourite character in the fed. And while it's obviously far too early, I'm really interested in what you'd do with a Grizzly Bob heel turn. Good work!

Rating: B

Edit: I forgot J.O, sorry buddy.

J.O./Dr Zeus

- Well, I haven't seen an introduction this eye-catching since Saboteur came along.

- I don't think you should've blown your load so early in terms of Zeus' backstory (apologies for the phrasing...) You could've just hinted at for a while and saved these revelations for a bigger match. Although, it seems like you're not going for subtlety with this character!

- The rhyming is an interesting approach. It's been done before, but usually as part of a lame rap. I'm not sure if it limits you or gives you more to work with. I guess we'll see as time goes on.

- Any character that has religious motivations makes for a good antagonist. They can give twisted justifications of their evil ways and it's a great way to get heat as a heel.

- A very good, ambitious introduction, even though I think it's a bit much for a first RP. Certainly original, to say the least. I'm looking forward to seeing Zeus in a proper angle.

B

 

[Bernkastel]

Meeks

I already gave this a bit of feedback before you posted the RP, but I haven’t read since you’ve repaired the edits that I suggested. The dialogue is much cleaner, and I think you did a great job writing the flow of the RP with no stops at all. Meaning that I can read the RP fast; but still decipher everything you were trying to say.

What I liked most about the RP: The passion, easily. This was great debut for Derek as a face. You covered all the bases: focused on his goals for the future, focused on his opponents, and focus on his allies.

What I liked least about the RP: There could have more descriptions in the narration. I felt there was enough to get the dialogue by, but not enough to add any real depth. I advise focusing on how Jacobs interacts with his new allies in their environment next round.


Thriller

Not a bad RP this round, but the first half felt very underwhelming with the descriptions. With all the players that are now involved in the Sacrificial Alter storyline, I was expecting more than just a couple lines of dialogue. I couldn’t find any major problems with the spelling or grammar.

What I liked most about the RP: As far addressing the factor that is Derek Jacobs in the feud, you nailed it. You recognize Jacobs as being a potential foil, but you also recognize that he cannot simply walk through Westhoff.

What I like least about the RP: Aside from the vagueness of tying in the overall storyline into the RP, I suppose that I could forgive that for now, as Jacobs was the part that you needed to focus on, and you did just that.


Occam’s Razor Ramon

So how does it feel getting you first taste of WZCW? Damn good RP for your debut; and your style of writing dialogue is very unique. Kermit use of Yellow at last year’s All Stars was the first time I had seen the use of poetry. The difference being his was a one shot, and yours being a gimmick. I’d advise to maybe mix up your style if you are comfortable – maybe write free verse poetry one round, then free form poetry another; an if you’re daring maybe a sonnet or a rubiyat or even acrostic free form. The dialogue for Zeus should feel natural, though; no matter what route you decide to take.

What I liked most about the RP: Obviously the creativity, and the fact that the quantity of verses didn’t overshadow the quality of Zeus speaking ability; nor did it seem bloated when you addressed Thrash. Though I am interested to see how you mix up your verses once Zeus becomes more developed.

What I liked least about the RP: You got to work on your descriptions and narrations. The descriptions – especially about Zeus and how he interacts with other characters as he speaks – was very limited. Also your spelling and grammar need some adjustments, and watch when you repeat words over and over in quick succession. Those are some suggestions to help you out.

 

[Dirk]

Howdy, folks! Here's the feedback I promised.
*****
Amber Warren/JAM
- You make a good point right away by showing initiative. Amber's new and she's not going to be part of the scenery.
- I appreciated the effort you put into writing part of a match. It's a nice action sequence, instead of long-winded emotional epics.
- "Sound effects" during the match was a nice little touch. You used the literary space well there.
- The formatting could improve. There were some very long paragraphs. Maybe try spacing it up more, especially the dialogue from the narrative.
- Mixed feelings about the crowd's huge pop for Amber. They don't know her yet. On the other hand, it was a great way to show Amber's determination to power through the green mist. Classic face move.
- The interaction between the siblings was cute. Nate's a bit slow though, what other "Sandy" would Amber be thinking of?
- Nate's pep talk was very good. I know RP's can only be so long, but I have a feeling that the "hardship" story arc will be very satisfying.
- Amber says she has a strategy, but she doesn't really mention anything concrete.
- Amber mentions her hardships again, but I need to know! The suspence is great.
- The male/female sparring was a little strange to me, but that just emphasises Amber's guts.
- I'm starting to like her already. Looks like you have lots of good ideas for your character, but you need to open her up a little more. I'm sure you will, though. It was a good, interesting read.

Dr Zeus/Haiku
- Throughout the RP, you used the narrator and your descriptions very, very well.
- The bit about the "skilled walking" in shackles was interesting, as Zeus does have some self-awareness.
- The bits about manipulating the pimp and the guard were good, but I did find it a little unrealistic, almost like the dude's omniscient.
- Beautiful, beautiful dialogue with Dr Porter. Another of your strong suits.
- Porter actually wins the first round, annoying the serene Zeus.
- The following dialogue shows glimpses of the psychotic Zeus and his steady descent into cruel madness. Maybe, instead of dialogue alone, you could've added a few lines of description. It's clear that Zeus slowly takes control of the room, making him that much more creepy. Well done!
- The "rumours" Becky heard was also a sublime touch to enhance Zeus's dangerous aura.
- The last promo was exceptional, but perhaps a tad long-winded. I suspect this is because of the rhyme.
- Dude, everybody around here was excited about your debut! You didn't disappoint.

Thrash/ Try hard lol
- This is another honest RP, with an earnest reflection on Thrash's LL.
- Klamor reacts strongly to "could've been worse", but when did Thrash say this? I'm confused. The bit about Celeste being more of a man than Thrash was great, though.
- We see a new, stronger side of Thrash in this RP and his victory over CoC to promotes this.
- You mixed good dialogue with good narrative to change the mood very well.
- It's always good for a face to put over the intensity of the match and the threat of the opponent, like you did here.
- This is nitpicking, but when Klamor called him "Mikey", I was distracted by a thought of WZCW's favourite gamer.
- Thrash's emotions conflict, before "evilly" looking up from his hands. I wouldn't use "burst out in tears" here, but it did set the stage for the hallucination.
- Laura was creepy, the hallucination showed Thrash's poor mental state. Zeus was used very well.
- When Thrash hits his loyal friend out of the blue, I thought "Where was this Thrash all this time?" Loved it.
- Formatting was good throughout and you closed with a very driven promo. Good job, sir!

Derek Jacobs/Meeks
- Holy shit, this was a monster promo that tied in well with his LL.
- You open strongly, but ease up and build it up again, which I liked.
- You used very good pacing to seperate these impactful sentences.
- I marked out a little at the point where he snaps his head up. Total badassery!
- The grave scene was very touching, especially the opening, but I'd have liked to see some descriptions or an end narrative as he leaves.
- The cyclic structure of the RP was good and exciting.
- Mason's betrayal was highlighted very well.
- What was interesting to me was that even though Jacobs isn't part of TSA anymore, cultic elements still echo in his language (soul, blood, hell, sin).
- You used the crowd to good effect to change the pace.
- The formatting worked. It was a smart move on your part to have only one person for dialogue, so all the blue's automatically Jacobs speaking and you don't need to designate lines.
- Jacobs is such a tough mother, I'm looking forward to the match.

Blade/Blade
- Good symbolic use of the changed decor to symbolise Blade's change of heart.
- I think you had the best descriptions this round, elaborate, but not excessive.
- You know how to use a cigarette. If the cigarette isn't part of the body language, it's just pretentious, but you f'n nailed it!
- Instead of harping on about respect or hate, you used the real-life issue of social injustice.
- I would use Che Guevarra instead of Robin Hood, but the metaphor still works.
- Your alignment. I'm from a third world country with lots of poverty, so to me Blade is a hero. Some right-wingers might see Blade as a heel, though. But it's polarizing and it works!
- I enjoyed the way Blade played Klamour like a fool and the gesture with the burning money was great.
- Blade used some solid rhetoric and you had a good little twist at the end.
- I mentioned this in your bandwagon-thread, but thank you for portraying an authentic Irishman who isn't all pints, potatoes, shamrocks and leprechauns...
- Being a noob, I didn't know who this returning Blade was, but now I feel I already know him. Excellent characterization.
- Your RP is matched in polish only in creativity. Great stuff!

Krypto/Dynamite
- This was one funny RP.
- Breaking the 4th wall before the flashback was funny.
- The fight between Alhazred and Krypto was amazing, but I don't know how much credit you get, because creative wrote it. But a shrewd move to include it, nonetheless!
- You put over the Power glove neatly.
- I like that Krypto toned down a little on the perversion and that he's still weird enough with Missy.
- The awkward interactions between Beard and Missy, as well as between all three of them were priceless!
- Krypto keeping on ordering dishes with pickles and the way you wrote it was great.
- Just personally, I appreciated the little plug Grizzly got, but more importantly, Beard's gentle, good-hearted reaction to him.
- Krypto was a lot more loveable in this RP, you put your tag-team over and, most impressively, pulled the larger than life Beard off as the straight man. I think this is my favourite Krypto RP!

James Howard/Shotaro
- First thing that struck me was how I liked how gritty this RP was.
- You helped bring over the character development in Mikey Stormrage.
- You did well to explain the nuances of this new alliance between Strikeforce and Jacobs.
- Must admit to some mixed feelings about putting down DC so hard, but that did go well with the gritty and brash feel of the RP. You put yourself over, while also doing so for the other two.
- I don't know how to describe the intensity other than that "chips-are-down"-feeling. Now it's all or nothing and this feud is grudgetastic.
- The formatting was interesting. The novel-style makes you stand out.
- It's short, but it gets the point across. No excess. Powerful.

Sam Smith/Crock
- Great, great description of the kind of motel Sam's in. Did wonders for the mood of the story.
- The dialogue between the guide and Sam was good and it made you think about the kind of Faustian bargain all heels make - your path to top is made on your own terms, but eventually your actions haunt you.
- The sock part was great. The way I understand it, the guide was more than just a dream, but in fact some sort of delusion on Sam's part. Chilling stuff.
- I loved the way you handled the promo. Sam did EXACTLY what the guide said he would, he projected his own fears and weaknesses onto his opponents! Very subtle.
- An eerie thought crossed my mind: "To whom is Sam actually speaking?" His opponents? Or is he actually trying to bluff himself?
- To be honest, the promo itself wasn't anything groundbreaking, although it had good descriptions tied in, BUT, in the context of what the guide told Smith it gave me real chills. Another excellent RP, man.

S.H.I.T./Miko
- The opening scene confused me somewhat. I didn't think it was relevant, but on the third mention of these two guys talking about the robot, you tied it all together. Well done.
- Despite SHIT's claims to the contrary, the main theme of the RP was his humanity - specifically his loyalty and jealousy. Good characterization!
- You hyped up the threat very well.
- The exchanges between the two mystery men were steely. You painted the ironic picture that SHIT's actually more human than they are. I loved this part.
- The bit about "thermal vision" and the torch was very funny, but it further established SHIT's human nature.
- The formatting between Barbosa and SHIT is a little hard to follow. Knowing you, I believe this is intentional, though.
- You portrayed shades of a very childlike Barbosa and did a good job of continuing his story about the personalities changing roles.
- We are seeing major development for SHIT and Barbosa, but also a change in dynamic between them. I'm VERY excited about where this takes us. Great RP.
****
You all had RP's I enjoyed very much, good job, guys. Best of luck in your matches!

 

[Thriller Ant]

Dr. Zeus
- Every time someone uses the yellow font, a baby dies. I just want you all to know that
- Zeus’ dialogue is obviously attention-grabbing (in a good way), but I was happy to see that the rest of the RP wasn’t an afterthought. The other doctor and the descriptive text were well done.
- I think someone else said this to you somewhere (lol specifics), but I hope you didn’t make the guy who killed your wife a rock star just for this RP. Pretty much anything in an RP is considered canon, so it’s risky playing that card for a single match.
- This was one of the best debut RPs I’ve seen, definitely living up to the hype. Well done.

Sam Smith
- YOU STOLE MY QUOTE AT THE START IDEA ASSHOLE
- I was sad to see there wasn’t anything new about Chelsea, but I understand not wanting to drive that idea into the ground.
- The fact that you were able to pull off an RP like this speaks volumes about what you’ve done with Sam. Is he relapsing? Is he having drug flashbacks? Is he having a psychotic break? All of those are within the realm of possibility because of how you’ve written the character and I’m left wanting more.
- The promo at the end was probably the creepiest part of the whole thing. Most people would be scared shitless by what happened to Sam, but the fact that he embraced and used it to his advantage cannot be good news for his opponents.
- I didn’t like this at first, but after reading it a second time and letting it sink in, this really was a beautifully crafted RP.

Blade
- Welcome back! I missed you <3
- Klamour was the perfect interviewer for this RP. You played off the skepticism beautifully.
- There were one or two typos, but nothing major.
- The story behind the gimmick change is simple, but it makes perfect sense. Not everything has to be overly complicated, and you used that to your advantage.
- This was a very good re-debut, and it’s great to have you back.

 

[The Doctor]

Blade
I just want to make a post considering our disagreements in the past.

This was awesome.

Seriously! I love this new gimmick! It's actually a gimmick I've been throwing around in my head for someone to use for the better part of a year, so to see someone actually use it and use it well was great. You've basically taken all of my complaints about the past Blade - lack of solid character, lack of a voice, generic sort of style - and turned it around. This was an engaging, interesting read that introduced a gimmick I am already excited for.

I have to say, this did come off as very face-ish, a roguish pickpocket trying to redistribute the wealth, but if Blade becomes more extreme in his methods, I could see it working as a heel gimmick. However, especially with the roster in the state that it is, I'd like to see it be used as a face. The reason behind that really comes down to your RP style.

Your RP style is very relaxed. Blade came off as very smooth and charming as he was describing how he spent his time away. I could hear the movie-esque jazz score playing in my mind's ear as I was reading. To me, he really was very faceish, and genuinely likable. I like that. I like that a lot.

In fact, there's really not much I could say that I didn't like. My only issue is that if you want him to be heel, perhaps he needs a few more obvious heel tics, as charming as he may be, or perhaps some more heel actions. That may come in time, but for right now you have a very cool gimmick going. Whether you run with it as a heel or as a face, I'll be along for the ride.