RP Feedback Thread

[Con T.]

Why is black bad?

Black isn't necessarily bad, just difficult to distinguish between action going on, and speech. Usually folks will use red or blue, to distinguish between action and spoken word. Sometimes, you can lose something, or lose track, and it isn't really as good for the reader.

I always like to think of every RP with "how would someone else read it?"

I was really afraid of prattling on and on in the initial RP, I had mention of my application RP (in this RP) because I wasn't sure if those RPs are "cannon" or not in terms of creative and such, because in my application RP I teased a little bit of information about him and why he was here. I didn't want to just remix the application RP, y'know?

I get that, and trust me, it's actually a good point. I guess that's always a matter of personal taste. And you know what? Maybe I was wrong. If that's what you felt comfortable writing, go with it. I mean, I think that with RP's, you should be writing for you.

But I stand by the black font. Please. Never again.

 

[DarksideEric]

Black isn't necessarily bad, just difficult to distinguish between action going on, and speech. Usually folks will use red or blue, to distinguish between action and spoken word. Sometimes, you can lose something, or lose track, and it isn't really as good for the reader.

I always like to think of every RP with "how would someone else read it?"

Alright, I'll try to remember to drop the black. I'm far more used to the AOL Chatroom RP where you just pick a single color and that's how people recognized you (aside from screen name).

I get that, and trust me, it's actually a good point. I guess that's always a matter of personal taste. And you know what? Maybe I was wrong. If that's what you felt comfortable writing, go with it. I mean, I think that with RP's, you should be writing for you.

For this sort of RP, wrestling I mean, do you feel it's a good idea to try to string each individual RP together, sort of like a full cannon story, or have it gradually become more focused on the match rather than more centered on the character? If that makes sense. Like... in AOL RP you'd have other characters you can interact with since it's a chatroom, but here you can't really directly reply to anyone unless given permission. Is it going to be a lot of "well y'know something Mean Gene" in front of your bathroom mirror where you're just talking about yourself? Apologies for all the questions, as I've stated when I joined it's been a *long* time since I've RPd and never for something like this.

 

[Con T.]

DarksideEric

I figured it would be best for me to give you feedback on the character, through both of your RP's. And to be honest, I really like he basis you've set up.

Let's start with the first thing that stands out; the music. I always am a fan of music... In fact, I used music quite a bit in my RP's when I first started Zeus (and to be honest, I'm going to find a way to work it in again). It's a perfect way to set mood, and both of the songs you chose had a lovely way of setting atmosphere. There's a certain tone to using a Johnny Cash, and hell, I didn't even know Angel, but it fits.

My suggestion? Add a YouTube video, to play the music for the audience, and give it that extra atmosphere. Doing something like this

[youtube] link[/youtibe]

And adding this

[YOUTUBE]66QcIlblI1U[/YOUTUBE]

Can make a very good RP add that much more atmosphere. You do a good job of making me feel a certain feeling, but adding that little bit of help never hurt anyone.

The only issue with a music based RP is that we don't grow to know much about the character. I would love an RP where you pick a song, that describes the backstory of Hyada. Just to get a feel of how this character was molded. When I started writing Zeus, I thought of my first cycle as an origins story; a sort of telling the audience why my character is the way he is. I think your character would seriously benefit from that; it would make him have more depth, and can really let the audience get in touch with the character. Remember, we don't know much about you... But we want to. We want to know everything about him.

That's what stands out now, but you're definitely on the right path

 

[DarksideEric]

DarksideEric

I figured it would be best for me to give you feedback on the character, through both of your RP's. And to be honest, I really like he basis you've set up.

Let's start with the first thing that stands out; the music. I always am a fan of music... In fact, I used music quite a bit in my RP's when I first started Zeus (and to be honest, I'm going to find a way to work it in again). It's a perfect way to set mood, and both of the songs you chose had a lovely way of setting atmosphere. There's a certain tone to using a Johnny Cash, and hell, I didn't even know Angel, but it fits.

My suggestion? Add a YouTube video, to play the music for the audience, and give it that extra atmosphere. Doing something like this

[youtube] link[/youtibe]

And adding this

[YOUTUBE]66QcIlblI1U[/YOUTUBE]

Can make a very good RP add that much more atmosphere. You do a good job of making me feel a certain feeling, but adding that little bit of help never hurt anyone.

The only issue with a music based RP is that we don't grow to know much about the character. I would love an RP where you pick a song, that describes the backstory of Hyada. Just to get a feel of how this character was molded. When I started writing Zeus, I thought of my first cycle as an origins story; a sort of telling the audience why my character is the way he is. I think your character would seriously benefit from that; it would make him have more depth, and can really let the audience get in touch with the character. Remember, we don't know much about you... But we want to. We want to know everything about him.

That's what stands out now, but you're definitely on the right path

I very much thank you for your feedback, you've been really helpful sir.

I've wanted to add the YouTube stuff but currently can't as I RP from work and YouTube is blocked, so that's why I included the Vimeo link at the end of my last random RP in case people wanted to listen.

Also, probably due to being at work I can't see what you've included after "and adding this".

Do you feel the short action things I've been doing, such as "punches impact, focus, concentration" and such are better suited than full explanations of what's going on or could they do well to be mixed in with full explanations?

 

[DarksideEric]

I'd like to throw some feedback RidingSpider's (Ramparte) if I could.

First off I enjoy the character and the... what I feel is the villain who believes he is good, in a way. I've always enjoyed characters, especially heroes, who believe so much in something that they don't realize, or they completely ignore, that what they are doing is in fact evil. I'm not sure if Ramparte fully fits this billing but from my perspective I feel there are at least bits of this in him, if not a potential full push towards being something like an Ozymandias from the Watchmen movie, where the only way to bring about some sort of order (whatever kind of order it might be) is to have millions "die," such would be at least a decent link to the "List of the Slain" he has going.

After reading the Rookie Symposium regarding Ramparte, I do have to agree that subtlety in evil, at least to me, is more powerful and frightening than an in your face one. A fine example I feel is Bram Stoker's Dracula. Dracula was subtle (at least for a while), such as the quick licking of the straight razor, the shadow moving on its own, etc. He wasn't a 30 Days of Night in your face we're here to kill you all. I think, while the concept of the pomegranate bath was cool... maybe it was a bit more over the top than it should have been. In the RP you laid out this line for us:

Joseph Morel bites his tongue, afraid to know what it was he had been bathing in.

To me, unfortunately you already explained it as plain as day... so that reference of mystery, even to another character, didn't carry the mystery with it since you had already spent several lines telling us what it was and then referencing what it was again.

If you had done something like... nixed the bath portion of it (but keep him in the room), and had him reflecting in the mirror or just aimlessly in the bathroom then be disturbed, then at the end of the RP make reference to the tub with red liquid in it (along with a few pomegranates to put the question in our head) it would have come across as far more subtle and more mysterious.

Just my .02.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Jonathan Hyada

I think the best way I can describe Hyada's character from a viewer's perspective is that I think he has this real-world gritty feel about him that is almost borderline noir. I dig that. He isn't the typical MMA fighter that talks up a big game and he isn't so into his honor system that he comes off as a pushover. I enjoy peeking into his world and feeling the same senses as he is.

With that said, I understand that you were at work and could not pull up Youtube, but it took a minute to load Vimeo in one tab while reading Hyada's story in another. That could become a hassle in later RPs. I would try and wait for a time that I could upload Youtube videos so viewers can click on the music and read without going from tab to tab.

All in all, I believe Hyada when he says his partnership with Corvus will be an honorable one and I look forward to seeing this team in action soon.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

He gave me some feedback, so I owe him some:

Hyada:

Overall, I think this is the best RP that I've read from you so far. Is it perfect? Far from it, but it was a good read, and I personally enjoyed it. Let's break it down.

The intro is a bit too ambiguous. You need to make it clearer who is talking here. Either write out dialogue in a screenplay format like most people do here, or go for a story dialogue akin to Haiku and myself. Here, it's just ambiguous and offers no description. Work on that man, it really takes away from your entire RP in general.

I think you need to focus also on making Hyada more dynamic, he's quite bland at the moment in my personal view. Write with more intensity, I can see the passion coming through, but not so much the intensity; it sounds too laid back. Look at Ty Burna's RP's, especially with ECD; he can make the calmest of situations tense, and that's an excellent trait to have. You do have an interesting backstory and a thought provoking gimmick, use it to your advantage!

And probably the largest critique I have, which actually applies to Ramparte too: DON'T POST YOUR RP'S IMMEDIATELY. If you get them done earlier, look over them, add bits to them, improve them. If anything, should you finish your RP earlier, you're at a huge advantage, and you can rectify any mistakes and think over it for the rest of the week, whilst still easily making the deadline. You jumped the gun about 4 or 5 days before Dagger, myself and Red Skull posted our RP's, which leaves you at a disadvantage. Don't try to get it out of the way, work on improving it, and your RP quality will improve dramatically.

But the stuff that's good is pretty damn good. Whilst I've said the character hasn't been made out to be that interesting at the moment, the story arc he's going through is very well done, and I really want to see some progression on it. Your descriptive writing is also good, as well as your dialogue despite the formatting issues. The words being uttered and all appearing later in the RP is an excellent concept, and without formatting issues, it could have been even better.

It's your best RP yet from what I've seen, but there are some major drawbacks to it still. Good work though, you're starting to hit your stride.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Fallout

I promised you feedback, so here goes. This was a very good RP. A ton of effort was put into it, and had you cut maybe just a little bit of it, it would have been your best one so far. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed it a great deal. If you do win the 6th spot over myself, Red Skull, and the others, you will have earned it. I will start with the negatives and then get to the positive. I already addressed the length, but that was honestly not a massive issue. My biggest problem with it was that you should have brought up Theron and the dice more. We may not have had a 1 on 1 match on the card for this event, but I think you should have let that play a larger role in the RP. That's just me though. Getting into the positive, I loved the way you had Fallout discuss the contenders who have already earned their KFAD spots. You did awesome on that part and in making him look like a threat should he make it into the match. Great job on this, and may the best man win the 6th spot!

I look forward to read your thoughts on mine from this round.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Daggershield:

A couple of flaws I'll point out before I get to the positives:

The only really bad thing about this RP is the fact that the stakes really don't seem to be very high at all. It just feels like any other RP on WZCW TV, as opposed to a PPV quality RP. By that, I mean the KFAD element seems tacked on. We sort of took two different paths, whilst I covered the KFAD match a lot whilst mentioning Theron to a degree, you mentioned Fallout a lot whilst not focusing on the KFAD match a lot, which kind of hurt your RP quality. Talking about Fallout is fine, but you need to show more passion into winning the match as well.

The other thing that only slightly bugged me is the overuse of saying Marrmell's name wrong. It was funny when everyone got the name wrong the first time, but to be honest, it makes Theron look a little bit stupid with him constantly getting the name wrong, and incompetence makes him look a little bit too weak.

Onto the positives, your dialogue is superb. It's natural whilst also being descriptive of the character's feelings and situations they have been through. Great job here. The description, whilst not as good as some of your other RP's were still rather good too. And the side characters are more enjoyable and memorable than I remember them to be too.

Not your best RP, but still a good read from you.

 

[Bernkastel]

This is half of the feedback. The other half I'll post up tomorrow.

Backstage Fallout – Fallout

This was my first time reading one of your RP’s and I’m very impressed with your sense of style. It’s evident that you have clear talent as a writer. Your narration is consistent and you do paint a really good picture with your details.

What I like best about the RP: The story moved at a clear and constant pace and was easy to read. There weren’t many spelling errors and no major grammatical errors to disrupt the flow of the story.

What I liked least about the RP: I’ve always been a believer that a PPV RP’s should bring about a sense of finality. After all we are ending one cycle to start a new one next round. Your RP didn’t have that feel to it with the last segment. This would have been the kind of story that I’d expect to read from someone the round after a PPV, while having lost. Having that segment end your RP makes me want to invest more in what Fallout will do in the future, instead of what he might do in the present. The KFAD match doesn’t seem like the main focus of the RP, and it should have been.

Overall the RP does paint a great story. Even if you don’t win KFAD you have a grasp of where you want to take Fallout in the future, which is good. Well done.


DarksideEric – Jon Hyada

I like the character. You portray him as a down to earth, realistic everyday guy and a classic face persona. While I had no real issue with the writing the presentation needed some work. The line in front of each sentence is a bit distracting, and there are too many ellipses everywhere. If the line was supposed to represent thought, then try using quotations or italics. One of the best techniques that I have learned in this case is to write short, structured sentences. That way the reader isn’t distracted.

What I liked best about the RP: The character development. This was your first RP that I’ve read and you’ve already told me so much about Hyada. He’s learning to accept his mistakes, and how to adapt to the fed.

What I liked least about the RP: The lack of time you gave towards your match and opponents. One thing that I’ve always tried to practice is the amount of development that I give my character is the same amount of development I’ll give my opponents and matches. That way the balance is kept.

I see you asking questions all the time in the discussion thread. That’s good. There’s really no right or wrong way to RP, so just keep hammering away and eventually you will improve once you find your comfort zone.


Haiku Hogan – Doctor Zeus

The feud between you and Falkon has been sick. You two macabre motherfuckers really do bring out the best in each other. Not much in the way of haikus this round, but I loved the rhymes every other paragraph. After 6 months and not abandoning the style for traditional speech is praise worthy in itself. Didn’t see many spelling or grammar mistakes, and the narration was boss.

What I liked best about the RP: Definitely the character development. You’ve captured Zeus so well after the last show. Just to nitpick, you probably should have changed the sizes of each of his thoughts as he repeated them. That way the impact would have hit a little harder.

What I liked least about the font: Halfway through you suddenly went from first person tense to third person tense. Then you switched back to first person. For the love of Jesus, try to stick with one tense please.

Overall this RP has awesome. It had everything: character development, feud development, that sense of finality, and even a Ty Burna cameo. Stellar work.

 

[DarksideEric]

Feedback for Mr. Mussel.

This may be a little weak in the feedback department because as a whole I liked your play. I liked the goofy manner Mussel has at times and the sometimes concern he had for actual health, to me he didn't come off as quite as "White Goodman" ish from Dodgeball but was almost there.

My own personal gripe probably would be that he doesn't, aside from correcting people on the pronunciation of his name, come off as "French." I was expecting more descriptions of his accent, writing words with more, I guess short hand usage (like to convey Southern, you'd write y'all), etc.

To me he just comes off an American who just happens to have a French name.

If that makes sense.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Titus

I thought I'd do one for you since it's short and you asked nicely.

-The whole RP focusing on Beard's recent KFAD win and the fact that it's pretty unlucky was good. Along with mixing in your own frustrations was cool too, I think I remember you saying somewhere you would have much rather been inside KFAD then a face off.

- Addressing your recent failures was nice too, I mean I know you've actually been doing it a lot, mostly to unsuccessful results but it's better than ignoring the last couple of cycles. I guess it just gives us a reason to want him to win more.

- I was hoping for more about Showtime to be honest, but it's probably better in the long run that you save it for later. Though the line about his focus being on Cougar is better than focusing more on a match in which the outcome is meaningless.

- I honestly hope this feud leads to much better results for you in terms of blow off matches and filler ones like this round, struggling and looking for material isn't fun but short, pleasant to read, and more or less character developing RP's like this are good and I assume they'll only get better as the feud progresses. Fine job by my standards at least.

 

[Lee]

Flex Mussél

At first I thought the ad repeated too many words then I realised that was the point. The commercial is pretty much the sort on TV at the moment with new year. Perfect.

I also imagined the Muscle 'it's pronounces Mussél' to be pronounced exactly the same. Doubt that's what you were going for but it made me laugh.

I don't like it when kayfabe terms are used in an RP, the 'putting over' line didn't sit with me.

I loved Myles line of needing to earn it and being the best. It made the throw away tag match seem important.

I loved the dynamic between Ramparte and yourself. Very good.

You were doing so well until Ramparte went with the insults, it's an overused thing in RPs ' One is a former MMA wannabe and the other is a sad pathetic imitation of Batman.'

All in all I liked the RP, great intro to the character and I like how it made it not feel like a throw away but something special.

 

[DarksideEric]

Ramparte:

To be honest, this RP for the tag team was the first RP you've done that I've really been "iffy" about, like I'm not quite sure if I liked it or not.

To me it seemed like there were glimmers of what I have come to expect from Ramparte, but it also seems you diluted him a bit too much to make him fit more to Mussel's upbeat and quirky character. In the end you kind of molded the usual Ramparte to fit Mussel for the team, but things like the "yeah bitch, I'm evil" and the quick turn from yelling at him about what you've done/should have done and accepting him just didn't feel or read right to me. Especially for that quick turn. It was like "HOW DARE YOU?!?!" then "what the hell is he...?" then "I was completely wrong about you", all done without description of the thought process in him. If that makes sense.

 

[Con T.]

Two pieces of feedback for now;

Barrett Stratton

This was markedly better, not just in content, but in formatting as well, and was quite the enjoyable read. I still have my issues (of course, this wouldn't be much feedback without some criticisms) but on the hole I found it much more enjoyable.

I will tell you the exact same thing I (ironically enough) told your opponent this week;

For the love of Valkryie, don't ever make black a speech font ever again.

It's just a touch that makes things easier for the reader, and is more appealing. You aren't the first to do this, so I'll explain my thoughts as to why I don't like this. When I read, I have certain voices that go on for characters.
Certain characters get different voices; I imagine my character sounds a certain way, and so forth. Distinguishing who is speaking with color don't makes it easier for the reader to identify who's speaking, and which voice to use. Just doing something like this;

Stratton-Good hunt today boys!

Stratton raises his glass in a toast fashion as his friends do the same.

Hunting Buddy-Hell yeah!

Really makes a smoother read for the audience.

The dialogue is really good; regardless of the Izzy RP (sorry, but I will praise it for a second), one thing I noticed was great was that you do read the story of your opponents, very thoroughly. Izzy does indeed have father issues she's addressed in her RP's; Hyada has addressed his flameout in MMA, as well. So kudos to you for very distinctly reading the stories of these characters, and putting together an RP that tells a story. You do a much better job of building your opponent up before tearing him down.

I'm torn on the use of "mutt" and "half breed"; but I think it's that bit of offensive, that isn't just offensive for the sake of it. It's heelish, but doesn't go over the boundaries of good taste. And most importantly, adding Eric is a nice touch, to put Barrett back down. One thing I will say; make sure that if you're going to refer to Barrett Stratton as "Stratton" in your RP's, make sure that you keep that up all of the time, even if someone with the same last name comes up. Or, just call him Barrett the whole time. Again, a small thing, but definitely something that comes up in writing. And don't worry about showing pictures of your characters; we have an NPC section in the backstage area, to put the character's look and image. Having it in the middle of the RP actually hurts the RP, and just kind of looks tacked on. Otherwise, not bad at all

Hyada

Again, also quite liked this, too. I had my issues, but at the same time, I can tell you are taking heart to advice offered. You're offering more depth into your character; he isn't just a guy training any more, he's a guy with a story. I think adding his injuries into the mix will do a world of good for Hyada; the more you can give creative to write about you, and write about in matches, the more screen time you can get. Look at Theron; he already gave us a bushel to work with for his character, and as a result, we can write so much more with him.

I will say could have been a little more concise, but I never have much of an issue with length. It was long, but I also understand you want to get a point of your character across. Just know you want to save those kind of RP's for when you really need them; also, space your dialogue out more. This got to be a little cumbersome;

'So what has changed? How have I changed?' I asked myself that question for the six solid months it took me to finally recover from the damage that my body had gone through. I still continue to ask that question. First of all, I swore to myself I would never, ever use my fists as I had in the years before. Never again would I step into the circle that held no honor and perform for the foul mob of savage people. Never again would my fist be used for show. I would not disrespect a fellow fighter, let alone a fellow man, in the same way that had become almost habitual at that point. I would never lift a weapon against a foe; they were to be defeated with my fists or not at all.

But what truly changed was how the people closest to me, my family, looked at me. Injuries can be healed. Grudges can be dropped. But disappointment…?

My parents came to see me while I was in the hospital, they didn’t know the details of why I was there (and I am grateful to the friend who did seek medical care for me for not informing them), but when I finally awoke I had to tell them. Despite my mind demanding me to make up some story about what had been going on, my heart had to give in and speak the truth.

The man whom I respected the most, who had trained me not only in fighting but in the lessons of life walked away in silence.

The woman whom I respected the most, who had taught me of the man I should have been, sat in silence beside me with her head in her hands.

This woman had seen war, first hand, and opening up my heart and revealing what I had become left her speechless. What kind of man was I? How could someone be proud or find any honor or glory whatsoever in a thing that would render not only a war hero, but someone you loved, at such a loss?

When I was finally able to leave the hospital I was allowed to come home to my parents’ until I fully healed. The hardest thing about being there was seeing them slowly take on the blame for what I had done and become. Phrases such as “if we had never taught you how to fight” or “I should have kept my war stories to myself” became commonplace and it revolted me.

Honest to God, I would wish to be beaten to within an inch of my life again rather than try to climb out of the hole I dug myself into in regards to their heart for me. Its cliché, but to be completely honest, the loss of my parents’ respect is what fully drove me to change. While I’m here in WZCW to test the man I have become, I cannot lie to myself or others and suggest that a large part of me does not want the acceptance and respect of two particularly important people; the acceptance and respect that I used to have. And that is why days like these are the hardest…

It was a good monologue, but spacing it out with some stage directions could really benefit it. Sometimes, you have to give the readers eyes a break; Spacing it out really helps the reader, and really makes for a better RP in the long run.


Otherwise, good show, on both parts

 

[Dagger Dias]

Flex Mussel

I promised you some feedback so here goes. I liked this RP a lot. The conversation between Flex and the face protector Masquer showed some good character development. I found it funny too, I'm not entirely sure if that was intended to be funny or not, but I laughed a number of times reading the Masquer part. The focus on Amber is another plus, you addressed both of your opponents and at the same time gave us a better idea of what's on Flex's mind concerning Amber. This was interesting and well done. After only 2 RP's in, Flex has my attention. The exchange between Flex and Ramparte was well done too, I am curious as to see how Cerberus does as a team from here. The best part of all was Hounds of Health, that bit was hilarious. Overall, I liked it and can't think of any criticism to add. Keep it up, and good luck in your match!

 

[Con T.]

Theron Daggershield

So, as you said, this was the RP that you tried the second hardest on, not counting the Vega one. I will say, that may have unfortunately been your downfall; while I always appreciate the effort you put into your RP's, this week would have definitely benefited from a little but of keeping it simple. I mean, in your RP against Fallout, the following things happened:

• Theron sits in misery over Mermell
• Kirilah is kidnapped
• Marmell learns how to play the game (more on that)
• Theron is confronted with fire cultists
• Theron rescues Kirilah
• Theron gets his rubies

That's a lot to happen, and I think some of the RP stuff that didn't need to be so long, was fairly long. Marmell learning how to play the game made for a good laugh; it also provided a good insight into how the world of D&D is foreign to those who don't know it. But at the same time, here's how much it took of your RP

Marrmell: I hear Theron delves into another dimension often, located in this box. Teach me how to get there, how to play.... THIS!

He opens the box. It reveals a set of miniature statues and maps, all of which have the logo for the fantasy game "Labyrinths & Leviathans".

Kirilah: Labyrinths and Leviathans? Why in Mystra's name would someone like you want to play that game?

Marrmell: The people in that world have never learned what true suffering means, I intend to show it to the same people Theron saves daily. Now I order you to teach me how to enter this realm so I can destroy all of the towns Theron saved.... Or else I will kill you to be offered up to the almighty Shar as a sacrifice before Theron gets here. I'd rather wait, so he can be forced to watch you suffering when he arrives.

Kirilah: Well, you.... use your imagination and roll the 20 sided gemstone to determine if your action can be carried out or not. But first you have to pick a job class. That's what the little statues are.

Marrmell looks at each of the job class miniatures. He pulls out a caped figurine that has a sword and shield, it has the words "Ravager" on it.

Marrmell: What does THIS one do?

Kirilah: That's the Ravager. Those have the highest chance of chaining together lethal hit threats.

Marrmell looks at her with a look of frustration.

Marrmell: Speak in that ridiculous jargon again, and it will be the last time you speak.

Kirilah: It just means he's a warrior who can also cast spells, he's good at chaining together both types of attacks. Ravagers are Theron's favorite job class.

Marrmell: His taste in job classes is terrible.

Marrmell throws the Ravager figurine over the edge of the wall they are standing on top of, down to the very bottom of the chamber. Marrmell looks in the box and picks up another miniature. This one has a fancy looking robe and a staff. It says "Medic" on it.

Marrmell: What about this one?

Kirilah: You wouldn't like that one. That's a Medic. He heals the weak and revives the unconscious.

Marrmell throws the Medic figurine over the edge of the wall and it falls down near where the Ravager figurine had ended up. He takes out another figurine. This one has a cloak and a pointy hat. It says "Synergist" on the back.

Marmell: And this one?

Kirilah: That's a Synergist. They primarily cast magic spells.

Marrmell: BORING! Which one can inflict the most pain on the townspeople?

Kirilah: Probably a Commando if you want to go purely based off strength, but a Chaotic Evil caster could unleash all sorts of-

Marrmell: The Commando. I like the sound of that.

Marrmell shifts through the miniatures until he finds the Commando figurine. It is the largest figurine of the group with a full suit of armor.

Marrmell: Ok. I'm a Commando. Now, how do I get to the town?

Kirilah: You're not in the town yet. You have to pick a race, a name, a deity, an alignment, and you have to roll your stats.

Marrmell: I.... don't.... what did I tell you about jargon!? Just make me the most powerful Commando of all!

Kirilah rolls her eyes.

Kirilah: Ok. You're Logain, a Ronso from the snowy mountains, you're Lawful Evil, a Commando, and worship Enuo the deity of darkness.

Marrmell laughs maniacally.

Marrmell: Now that's perfect. Alright so am I in the town now?

Kirilah: Sure.... You're in the town of Corneria.... What do you want to do now?

Marrmell: Make the townspeople suffer.

Kirilah: Which one? The Guado man standing to your right, the human girl riding her Chocobo outside the tavern, the Moogle who just walked out of the item shop? You have to specify.

Marrmell: All of them! I'll steal everything they own and then torture them!

Kirilah: Roll the 20 sided gemstone.

Marrmell rolls the 20 sided gemstone. It lands on a 7.

Kirilah: You failed. The lower you roll, the worse you did in what you tried to do and you needed a 12 or higher to steal from a civillian. The Guado man next to you laughs at you for failing to steal from him.

Marrmell: That fool will regret that. I kick him as hard as I can!

Marrmell rolls the 20 sided gemstone, it lands on a 17.

Kirilah: You kicked him. Now you roll the 6 sided one to determine the damage you did to him.

Marrmell rolls the 6 sided gemstone, it lands on a 4.

Kirilah: He's still alive, but is down on the ground screaming in agony. The other townspeople are now looking at you in fear that they will be next.

Marrmell: Ha ha ha ha! Now I will begin to take over this town! I will make it the capitol of my empire!

... That's a lot. And it all sort of feels like filler.


I popped for the Donkey Kong reference... I absolutely loved that. I actually loved all the little game homages. I loved everything about the world you create it; it actually feels like an epic setting. Really, it all felt like a video game cutscene... Which I imagine is your intent. It's all perfect.

Theron is everything a hero should be... but I wish Kirilah got more physically involved. Here, she seems like the spiritual guide... But even Obi Wan kicked an ass or two, to get to where he was. Kirilah did turn Theron to the light, but she also seems very passive. I've always said this... And this is just my thought, but I love the way Infinity and Harthan write Alexis and Stoya, respectively. The thing I never forget about either character is that they can kick a little ass, when needed. Kirilah could use that, too; she's fairly passive at times, and I think a little edge wouldn't hurt.

All in all, everything about the RP was epic... Except for the actual confrontation. Now, I know that you wanted to keep the confrontation until the ladder match... And having Donkey Kong, where you're constantly looking to climb to reach your goal, is brilliant. But I wish there was more of a combat. You don't even have to have Marmell destroyed... But maybe you could have Theron discover a weakness to Marmell. Something he hopes to use against Marmell in the big encounter.

I hope that all helps... There's no shame in losing to Fallout, he's damn good. But with those tweaks, I think you stand a great chance of beating him.

Ramparte

I love the way that you two can have symbiosis between your RP's, and yet exist in your old world. The best teams can do that; merging their RPs, and yet maintaining their own styles. I suppose that the font throws me off a little; if Flex uses a certain font, I always like if the partner uses the same, instead of making it in their own style. But that's a taste issue. I also wish Flex mingled more in your world; it felt like a Ramparte RP, more than it did a team RP, if that makes any sense. I want to see what makes Flex in your world. The opening part with him avoiding the foul smelling character (Isiah?) was good... But I'd like more of that interaction. More speaking from Flex, more of him genuinely interacting in your world.

As always, you have a way with words. Very articulate, and yet at the same time very blunt. Toning down the... well, creep factor has worked in your benefit, greatly. He's eerie now... But not in a breaking the rules kind of way.

You and Flex are a young team, so you'll have time to develop in one another's worlds... But add him more in to your world. Make me feel this is a cohesive team, and my friends, you will be a motherfucking threat.

Hyada

First, I've been looking for the right type of criticism for Hyada for weeks; something felt missing in your RP's, but I could never fully grasp it.

This week I picked it up; Hyada's never talked to anyone before this week, in his RPs. And adding a person to talk to vastly improves the RP. Having interaction, and breaking up his long thought processes, really helps the character. You can only learn so much through his monologues; you can learn so much more, from how he interacts with the world. Look at your partner; part of what makes him such a great character is his interactions with another. Here's what I learned, in just a little bit of dialogue between Haven and Hyada

• Hyada doesn't trust much
• He has his doubts about teams
• He's a lone wolf; he's always had to fend himself
• He's very afraid of extending past his comfort zone

And all of that is great character development.

Hyada needs a new activity, beyond the training, though. Give him something else to do. One of the things about RP is that you can do pretty much anything; let your character expand, by taking in other activities. It doesn't have to even be anything big. Maybe watching a movie, and his thoughts of working with another triggers self doubt. Maybe something in the movie triggers self doubt. Action is always great, but make sure that it differs up from time to time.

As always, though, improving. I can't wait to see where this team goes.

 

[Kermit]

Diabolos

• “Beeps and unlocking nosies” – I love you.
• Has a nice matrix feel to it in the beginning.
• 13.50 for all that food? Surely you jest.
• I can’t help but laugh at the Baller’s head scenario, but that’s a little dark.
• A lot of mentions of dicks in this one.

Overall: How do I put this? This reminds of me of Doc’s epic helicopter dino ninjas RP. It is fun, but too off the wall for me and dwells in the realm of unrealistic in how I see the fed. I’ve always been a bit on the conservative side when it comes to content like this, but for the RP to end with Diabolos wearing the corpse of a bear and hollowed out head of Mr. Baller it’s not my cup of tea. It feels more like an All-Stars RP. I know things are different now, but I was around back in the days when Ty denied you waterboarding someone, and it’s crazy how far we have come from that.

I love your zany style, and always have, but I think characters like Diabolos can be written in a very odd way and avoid such extremities displayed in your RP.

 

[Harthan]

Alright, nerds. I promised some feedback this round, so here it is. Mostly this is stream of consciousness stuff.

Dynamite:
- You occasionally have awkward sentence structure. While sometimes these are grammatically correct, they're still awkward to read. Try sounding them out when proofreading. Example: "With the past altercations the four of you men have had coupled with a loss you two have already suffered at the hands of champions I advised Mr. Banks to disregard your victory"
-Sort of coupled with the same idea, you use a lot of long sentences when you write. Breaking up sentence structures can help the flow. Try to separate some ideas into their own sentences to chop it up a bit.
-Your humor is often what shines through best. When Mussel says his eye muscles were working out, that was golden.
-I thought the scene with the executives was somewhat ill formed. I realize the desire to make things fit logically, but honestly, it gets caught in kind of a weird place where I'm asking myself - why would these executives actually accept Ramparte? The arguments presented really weren't that good. It would have been okay to just blow past it, in my opinion, based on the semi-absurdity of Mussel.
-Tying it together with the fitness shake/superhero idea was a pretty good notion. I think you touched on the most interesting idea but didn't explore it as deeply as you could have - that Mussel would consider himself the real superhero next to Haven.

Eric
-You have pretty good natural dialogue. This is one of my favorite things to see in RP's - the ability to successfully portray real conversations.
-Content wise, it worked but it also didn't inspire me particularly. Two friend have a conversation, and Jon looks inward a bit. I understand you were leading into Haven's RP and that's fine - tag team RP's are judged as the sum of their parts, after all. But I came away from this RP feeling like it didn't too all that much for me from a plot development perspective, if that makes sense.

Fallout
-Hands down one of my favorite RP's from Unscripted. I'll just tell you that off the top.
-The ability to write a novel style RP is something I greatly appreciate and something I've never really pulled off myself, as I tend to trend more toward the old scripty-type style of RP'ing. You remind me in some ways of Black Dragon in this.
-One complaint is dropping the Ancient Mariner reference out of nowhere. It's a good reference, but given the context, you might have led up to it a bit more earlier in the RP.

Dagger
-It felt very long to me as I was reading it. Long RP's aren't bad by default, of course, but they can drag a bit. I think the multiple scene transitions might have contributed to this.
-Your dialogue is occasionally awkward, for me at least. Sometimes Theron overstates the scene - things like "I don't know why that was so funny, but it was." These don't feel like natural things to be saying.
-Your concept of substituting for wrestlers various D&D character is really clever and I like it a lot. At the same time, I'm not crazy about the idea of long lists of opponent rundowns in RP's. They feel cheap, sometimes. You were unique with it and I like that, but I would think about some other way to pull this off in the future - taking the substitution concept and rolling with it in a different direction. Of course, in this context, it was hard to do differently, and I get that.

Thriller
-Definitely a unique RP with zero dialogue and very short in length. I appreciate trying a new format.
-Other than that, it was very straightforward and to the point. The metaphor was solidly constructed. I usually would like to see some reference to opponents worked in, which you lacked. You had some material to work with, too - comparing Eve Taylor as a woman to what Ilapa was, looking at Stratton's hatred for women, criticizing Theron for living in a fantasy world when Ilapa had gone through so much hardship, so on and so forth.

 

[Kermit]

Theron Daggershield

I haven’t read a single one of your RPs since I left Creative. I know that you read mine, so I apologize for not returning the favor. Anyways, let’s get to it.

• Likable characters in the beginning. It grabs my attention from the get-go.
• Hard to keep track of all these weird names. Had the same problem when I first started reading your RPs. I think though if I read more consistently I would not have such a problem. Therefore, it’s not a complete minus since Creative is who you want to impress.
• Eh, I’m having trouble getting into this with the lack of tying it back to reality. I get that the various characters and certain things are metaphors for what’s actually happening in the fed, but I feel a disconnection. Even when Saboteur and Saxton did crazy things like time-travel they always brought it back to reality and made us remember that they were in the WZCW and actually wrestlers. This just leaves me stuck in the world of D&D.

Overall
I think your work is entertaining and you write the supporting characters well including your own, but boy is it hard to read your style as a standalone piece. The characters have names like gibberish and the terminology is a lot to take in. Especially for someone who doesn’t play D&D. I’ve played Munchkin, but that’s about as far as I have gotten close to playing actual D&D.

As mentioned in my notes, I felt a real disconnect between your character and the fed. I know that there are a lot of things symbolic that you were portraying, but there was no point where you lassoed the fantasy back into reality. In the end, you are still a professional wrestler and not an All-Stars character.

 

[DarksideEric]

Aubrey Sloan

First, I thoroughly enjoyed the character. I loved the squirrel training section, her back and forth with Zhong after that and her quirks during the discussion with Myles. I don't believe she needs any touching up in terms of how well of a fighter, her discipline or her lack of connection to a modern era.

However, I wasn't really sold on the idea when I finished reading it that you required the backstory reveal that you included, or that it needed to be written in a chronological fashion. While it was a good read, I think maybe some of the information about her backstory could have been cut out a bit to be saved later or could have been potentially intertwined with a "modern day" focused RP rather than chronologically as it is.

I think I may have written it as such:

"Modern day" intro
Flashback to squirrel training
Myles' office
Portion of the Master's "you must leave" section

While a very good RP and character, I'm just not partial to the very straightforward story reveal anymore.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Here's one I owed earlier:

Jonathan Hyada:

I can afford to be merciless seeing as you have a guaranteed win this round

Something I noticed within the first few lines: You mixed up your tenses. You wrote Haven in the present tense momentarily, then you jump to the past tense for the rest of the RP. I guess you changed your mind early in the writing process, but a careful proof-read could have caught that (to be fair though, I often don't proof-read my openings when I'm about to post my RP as I've done it already).

Whilst I like your own personal spin on Haven, and I really like the odd married couple dynamic that you have going on, I think you've made Haven a little too excitable. Don't get me wrong, Haven needs a sufficient amount of energy to balance out your characters, but it kind of distances from Kermit's style of writing Haven (to be fair, I noticed Kermit does that somewhat with Hyada in making him too strict). It's great to make your characters dynamic, but find a happy medium. While we're on the topic, try not to use Haven as a prop to ask questions. One of the things I do with Fallout is have him ask a fair amount of questions as well as answering them. It helps keep the dialogue natural, and it helps show the thoughts and feelings of other characters like Yeltsin or Zaytsev, and I think you can do that with Haven or any other characters in your RP. Again, I know it's your partner's job to primarily think of his character's thoughts and feelings, but it helps keep the two RP's consistent.

Also, I know you're writing a tag team RP, but some more delving into Hyada's serious psyche would be great. Like I said, I love the whole odd couple dynamic, and the two character can be compared and contrasted so well. Maybe have a story-arc where Hyada understands learns the importance of not taking stuff so seriously, whilst Haven understands the importance of not being too carefree, with their opposites helping them along the way. I think that would be excellent for some character development, without sabotaging the original character of course.

One thing I'll say is that you've both got your own characters down very nicely. I really like the changes you've made to Hyada recently, and he's starting to stand out a lot more from the crowd, especially whilst in Young Justice.

Overall, it's a decent RP that is supported well by Kermit's RP. I can see your synergy getting better and better, and whilst I don't think you're quite on the level to take on the champions, at least yet, I reckon you're not far from getting there.

I'll do Aubrey later on today.

 

[Con T.]

Feedback Time!

Cerberus:

This is a case where I actually voted for you guys to win the match. I thought there was good team development here, and that specifically, Flex's character got to shine in this RP. The idea of going to fat camp is good, and I was honestly expecting this to come earlier. That said, here's the biggest flaw I saw, that could have resulted in your loss.

Ramparte sounds very different in both of your RP's.

In Flex's RP, Ramparte sounds like a sharp, acid tongued, sarcastic character. He's very sarcastic... But a lot of the poetic dialogue is missing. In Ramparte's RP, we see that beautiful dialogue that I'm accustomed of seeing in Ramparte. It sounds very different from what I'm used to. Flex also seems a little different, but there's an expressed reason given as to why ("poisoned"), which was quite good. That's something that admittedly threw me off, when I was reading your RP's... It breaks the continuity, and once you do that, it's harder for a tag team to rope me back in. So here's what I recommend.

A. Know your partner's dialogue. Flex is professional, almost to a fault, in character. Ramparte has this very poetic way of speaking. Sure, he's very bright, but he also has a very elaborate way of speaking.

B. Or... There's a character I'd recommend both of you watch a lot of.

[YOUTUBE]b1xDnYyFjEc[/YOUTUBE]​

Raven is the quintessential Ramparte gimmick. He's actually the perfect blend of that beautiful dialogue, and that sardonic tongue. I'd recommend Spider watch him for ideas, and Dynamite watch him for ideas on how to have Ramparte speak. Flex... Is a little harder to grasp, in looking for inspiration. He's professional, and very very strict. But I think when you perfect the continuity in the speech of both characters, you'll be well and fine.

SHIT

Once again, I voted for you. Surprisingly enough... Not having Barbosa helped you. Don't get me wrong, we're all feeling Barbosa's loss (Read: it sucks, and frankly, I hope he and Saboteur eventually come back to the fold). But for you, it allowed you to focus more on your match. During the Technosa series, from about Redemption onward, I felt that you two were too focused on the other's match. Sometimes I felt that Barbosa built your match better than you did, and sometimes you built his match better than he did (One of the best cases of that may have been Apocalypse... You did a great job building the main event, but didn't focus enough on Baez, which perhaps resulted in your loss). Not having Barbosa means you focus on your own match... Which works perfectly, I felt. The idea of SHIT playing the humanities was actually good... It tows that line on if SHIT is experiencing human emotions, or just smart enough to do what normal robots couldn't. And the times when you focused on Mikey was great.

So why did you lose?

I think it's because S.H.I.T. doesn't necessarily do anything in his RP. I'm of the mindset that an RP should have some action. That isn't to say sit down interviews with Stacy are bad. But I also felt like I was looking for something more to happen. Even something as simple as playing video games (Which would have been perfect for Stormrage. SHIT could have concluded that to better know his opponent, SHIT must attempt to think as his opponent, and the idea of playing video games could come up. SHIT could then conclude, like he did with Tastic, that winning in the game comes at a cost.) could have helped him out.

Just my thoughts on what people I voted for could have done to win.

 

[Miko]

Dr. Zues

Okay, I liked this RP, it had a genuine heart, the contrast between what the man used to be, and what he's become. Zues comes across as a man who is disillusioned with his heroes. If you're trying to make a point, I get it, honestly. Well written, and you've avoided doing that thing which I really fucking hate, in fact I think I used to tell you off for it in the early days, and that is describing what a character is feeling through the 3rd person, omniscient way. Seriously, to anyone reading this, I can't stand RP's that finish on the note "such is such is feeling hyped, angry, he's ready to go" no, just don't do that, use your fucking imagination, if you're going to RP from a 3rd person perspective, stick to it, don't just suddenly slide into your characters head because you're too fucking lazy to describe body language.

So, kudos for avoiding that.

Criticism. I liked the back story with Dorian, and I liked the modern but with Zues, but if you lost I think I know why, too many empty spaces. Theron's RP was damn good this round, so you definitely need more, this is what I'd call good enough, but you really need something that gets into Zues' demented psyche, subtle nuances; for example, as he's swinging the sword, little mentions of things like perspiration building up and ragged breathing, you know, a description of body language to really build the character. Are his eyes glazed over? I find the eyes so important. Are they still and transfixed, or are they darting about maniacally? These are all little additions that go a long way toward world and character building, and fill up the empty spaces. Might seem worthless, but there is no such thing as worthless fleshing out of a character so long as it sucks the reader in, the only over description I hate is when people go to great lengths to describe the colour of the curtains. In short, when a character is as fucked up as Dr. Zues, we really need to see how that manifests itself beyond the obvious cutting yourself and poster slashing.

 

[Kermit]

Feedback for Podcast Winers​

(I apologize for switching format in feedback style throughout each one.) ​

Mikey Stormrage

• The awesome part about reviewing this is that I had no idea what you were going to follow up with. So, while we did team, everything was left open to your digression. So, I’ll try not to let the fact that we are teammates this round influence my feedback on your piece.
• I love the splash of breaking the fourth wall as I did in my RP. The text bit was funny and was done a lot better than just switching it up for the sake of it. Makes it a little more crazy.
• Eh, as I read on I think name tags added on to dialogue might have been appropriate this time around. Having just read our RPs I can’t shake that Haven was green so I am confusing myself as I read.
• Myles in a red wagon, classic.
• Bad News Barrett, Haven doesn’t know his uncle. He is an orphan.
• Welp, I liked the lot, but I wish this RP would have went a little longer. The plot of getting Myles to his friend’s meeting kind of evaporated. The comedy was great, though.
• You hinted to me in a PM that you were pressed for time due to some circumstances, so I’ll give you a pass on it.

Overall

It was a fun addition to the 3-part adventure, but, as noted, the plot fell through. A few more paragraphs would have been nice to tie everything together. I’m glad to see you as a face again as I believe the character works much better in the role of the lovable big lug.



Dr. Zeus


What is there really to say?
And I mean that in a nice way.
Your writing is, and always has been, a notch above the standard quo.
Whether it be against your energetic enemies, defiling detractors, or fumbling fizzling fizzled foes.
The past and present culminate with a delightful taste;
It was exactly to the point, with very little waste.
Although, if I must dig for something to correct,
Perhaps make your RP a little more erect?
Short and too the point, but leaves the reader wanting more.
I know you can write it, because when I read you I never bore.

(Doh, I noticed I did this for your last round RP as I was posting it up. I apologize. I’ll owe you one in the future)


Ilapa

What hasn’t been said about you Thriller? You are a great writer who writes a short amount of content. That has been said over and over. So, I won’t bore you. Instead, I would like to pitch an idea for you and Creative. Why not run a 3-character freebird type of scenario? I would love to see this, and it would be unique. You could use Westhoff, Ilapa, and maybe a heel Phoenix, and RP each round. However, the kick is that it is never certain who the character will get. It would allow three different stories to play out and could lengthen your RP a bit. I think you have more than earned enough trust to experiment with something like that. It is kind of like what Remix was trying to do with his characters before he left. Just an idea.

All that being said, I feel like Fallout phoned it in this round and it was the second time he pushed an already 24hr extended deadline so there is a high chance you could be walking out with gold. I would vote for you is all I am saying.

Flex Mussel

• I lol’d at the beginning.
• You have a nice formula down that is a winning combination. Covering some origin story, addressing your opponents by not just reading off their roster page, and doing it all in a fun story.
• All together, this RP needs a good proof read. There were a few missing words here and there in some sentences.
• For some reason I have always heard criticism of your writing style, but I have always loved how you RPed as Krypto. In addition, I enjoyed your portrayal of Flex as this was my first time reading one of your RPs with him. I’ll be interested to see how you would do in a singles run where you are not bound to the limitations of tag team RPing. That is not a shot at your partner, but I feel like you flourished rather well with Krypto as a singles star. It would be nice to see how much further you could go as a heel.