RP Feedback Thread

[JamJam]

Children of the Damned (AS 98)

This was a very strong showing for the both of you. It was exactly what needed to be said as you guys start to team. We needed to know how Doe felt about his LL performance, about Fallout and Dr. Zeus, and about this potential partnership with Fallout. For Fallout, we needed to know exactly where the hell he's been and how exactly he got in touch with Dr. Zeus again or at least why he believes in Dr. Zeus.

I liked everything about your RPs this round tbh. Doe's RP was full of questions while we get the answers in Fallout's RP. The characters seem to be a good fit and will definitely provide a jolt into this tag division. The description from the both of you is some of the best in the fed really. I've always tried to mirror my description writing after a few people and I can proudly say that Fallout is one of them. Just read this RP of his and you'll know why. Everything is well described and it's easy to picture everything happening. Doe's description writing is good as well and it has to be because I really like that Doe is pretty much a man of few words. He doesn't go and ramble on. He just says what needs to be said.

The only thing I think may be a problem here is Dr. Zeus. Now, I'm not sure what the plans are but it seems these two are very reliant on Zeus. Are we getting a stable? If so, then don't mind my questions about this. But yeah, the two seem to be very reliant on Dr. Zeus as we'll probably see more of him in your RPs. But I really want you guys to distinguish yourselves from Zeus. Sure, he may be the common denominator of why you guys got together but Doe and Fallout have two very different questions they want to answer. Fallout needs a reason to live and Doe doesn't even know himself. I'd say Fallout is a step further than Doe in figuring out just what exactly they want to accomplish.

Overall, there really is very little to complain about in your RPs. We know that Dr. Zeus is the reason why you both team up kayfabe-wise and we got the origin as to how Fallout and Doe actually interact. I can't wait to see how creative depicts these things on the show. For example, in a match, I'd love for something to happen like Fallout knowing exactly how to damage an opponent so that Doe can go in for the kill and vice versa. It's just a really good story to tell and some good character development can from it for the both of you. Job well done.

 

[NSL]

Abel Hunnicutt -

PRO - If I haven't said it enough, I'm a huge fan of this guy. The interaction between him and Holmes is great, and the way you addressed the Lottery and having earned a title shot is all top notch.

CON - There were a few minor errors, like missing apostrophes and repeated phrases, but that's nitpicking.

Garth Black -

PRO - I definitely like the shoot aspect of this RP. It's a great continuation of your last one, which I admit to not knowing about the white text. I actually checked this one to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I love the character growth as well.

CON - I'm not sure this is a con, and I know responding to your opponent's RP is frowned upon, but I don't think stands up to Abel's. You'd beat a lot of people with this, but Abel seems to be on a rocket to the top. The timing of it may be a bit off as well, since Titus is in the midst of the same turn.

Alhazred -

PRO - This was a breath of fresh air. I like this Alhazred much more than the one that's been out the last few weeks, and against an opponent like Constantine, you really needed this. The storytelling carrying over from last round is spot on too.

CON - I probably could have done without the wedgie, but I know that goofiness has always been a part of the character.

Constantine -

PRO - This is another great chapter in the history of Constantine. I love the description and the dialogue, and Bill is possibly my favorite NPC right now. This is a great continuation of the story, and a great response to the loss, and it's probably smart to move away from the title, since that match is already set in stone.

CON - I have to wait until next round to read the next chapter!

 

[NSL]

elegANT -

PRO - I'm a big fan of your formatting. I'd probably use different fonts myself, but it is definitely an elegANT "thing". I'm a victim of it myself, but I'm glad you didn't use Leon, and you wrote Stacey very well. The interaction was spot on. I appreciated the brief history of the character also, since I haven't been back that long.

CON - I'm worried elegANT may be doing too many one-on-one interviews. It would be interesting to see this character in a different setting, and I think he would carry over well.

Johnny Scumm -

PRO - This was a much more pleasant side of Scumm than I was expecting, and it worked. After everything he's been through, he deserves a chance to appreciate being champ.

CON - You may have focused too much on being champ. You barely touched on your next match, and assume you'll be at the PPV with the belt. The Eurasian title actually seems like the one that's most up in the air right now, to no fault of your own however.

Dr. Zeus -

I'm.........going to have to message you lol

The Beard -

PRO - Zeus's RP was my only intro to The Beard character, and early polls show I like him. You sprinkled in just enough description and breaking the 4th wall to offset the dialogue, and you addressed the upcoming match really well.

CON - This didn't feel like the grand return that it could have. Titus and Zeus and everyone else that brought back a character hit the ground running, and this seemed like a false start.

 

[Con T.]

How Tastycles just pulled out one of the greatest RP's you've ever read, and single-handedly pointed out the biggest issue facing Pro Wrestling, as a whole​

Yeah, I'll go with that. Tastycles may have just written the best pro wrestling RP I've read, in some time, and here's why.

Sp, pro wrestling is all a work, right? We all know it's a work, and it's a work designed to make you believe it's real. We're all on the same wavelength here, and I don't think anyone would dispute what I've just said.

Pro Wrestling has done a fantastic job in the past...let's just say decade and be safe...of eroding this aspect of wrestling, slowly chipping away at our sense of disbelief. Perhaps some of it can be blamed on the IWC, and the instant gratification society in which we live in, where we need to have information as soon as possible.

However we've come to the destruction of kayfabe, we're near arriving it. Now, WWE can have their heel champions appearing at charity events, and not think twice about it (Hi, Nikki and Brie, how you doing?).

Why can WWE do this? Because we have eroded that line of kayfabe so much, that we've become jaded. And in our jaded nature, and in dire need of the feeling of being worked, we desperately search for different "works" in wrestling, and question the veracity of the "shoot" aspect. Because we've come to the point in our jaded society where everything is a work, and in the age of worked shoots, we are desperate to scream out "Work!" until our lungs go blue. CM Punk leaving was a work. The Montreal Screwjob was a work. Vince Russo going to WCW was a work.

I suspect there's a sect of the IWC that would tell you that the steroid investigation in 1994 was a work. We're jaded, and nothing is real anymore.

Tastycles promo felt real. It felt like a legitimate shoot, with some (admittedly) legitimate points attached to it. You found yourself realizing Tastycles was right...and then searching yourself, to see if you fit what Tastycles is talking about.

Your ego and self-centration makes you ask, "Is he talking about me?"

For the first time in a while, I got worked. Instead of cynically passing this piece of writing as a work, I bought into the shoot. I got worked, and I fell right into what Tastycles was expecting me to feel. Tastycles played off his audience, to provide something that felt real.

Think of it this way; what was the last promo you saw, that made it feel "real" to you? When was the last time you actually questioned if what you were witnessing was real?

And here's the funny thing about Tastycles' RP; it actually keeps in complete line with kayfabe. Sure, Tastycles is saying things that sound real, but really, it's all in character, and it makes sense. Tastycles tapped into the vein of what made wrestling real; creating something fake, but making you believe it's real. I doubt Tastycles really cares that much about the nature of people coming and going as they please, but I can totally believe Garth Black does. It's not only a great "shoot" promo, if you want to call it that, it's a great promo promo.

There's going to be the issue about the idea that the opponent wasn't discussed much (though, theoretically, you could argue he was discussed. The name Abel Hunnicutt might never have appeared, but you could argue you discussed your opponent). The discussion of the match essentially does boil down to that you're going to lose. But as just a wrestling promo, it was great. If the goal is wrestling should be (and it should be) to get you to believe that something that is fake is very real, you succeeded in spades.

And on this day...I think I would vote for your RP. FunKay turned in something pretty good (though not great, and I will explain the issues with Abel's RP in my next piece of feedback), and on any other day, he would pick up the win. But I do believe there are times when someone performs something truly exceptional, even if they don't meet the typical criteria of a great RP.

Was this a championship title winning promo, if we're going by the typical assertion of what is a great RP? Probably not. But for the content of this RP, and what you were able to accomplish in such a concise form, I think this merits judging this RP by its larger context.

 

[NSL]

Eve Taylor -

PRO - Your description, as always, is spot on. Eve is one of my favorites in the fed, and everyone should aim to have a grasp of their character the way you have (some have it, some need it). You also seem to have a good balance of face/heel with her, and with the current roster that is very unique.

CON - The naked thing seems to be a tad overdone this round, with Theron and Tastic the only 2 not molesting their belts in some fashion. It usually wouldn't matter, but being the last of the 3 hurts a little.

Showtime -

PRO - The spot with Ryder was a nice little nod, and I liked the stuff about Titus, since I was a fan of the comedy in the Lottery. The piece about why he is returning is great also. That alone has me interested in everything coming for Showtime, even if we didn't know he was a Hall Of Famer/former champ. It's edging on the point of gushing, but I really love the veteran feel of the RP as a whole. The current roster is deep, but no one except Titus (and now Ty) has the experience Showtime has (in kayfabe), and it's definitely smart to stick with that.

CON - I'm hard pressed to find anything bad here. This is a great return RP, and you addressed everything you needed to really well.

Noah Ryder -

PRO - I really liked the intro, as it's a breath of fresh air to get away from the amnesia (trust me, I needed to do it too!). The continuity of the train through the Rockies was nice too, unless you didn't read my RP...Then...Well, this is awkward lol The progression of the story is really well done, and this is a big step up from the Lottery.

CON - As I said to FalK about Eve; the naked thing is a bit overdone this round. It's not quite to the lengths of being so absurd it's funny either. Just the penalty of being at the tail end of it, I guess.

Flex Mussel -

PRO - Over the last 2 RPs, I've really become a fan of this guy. This was a really good piece for him, and you did really well covering every angle that's going on right now for him, and there are a lot. You managed to avoid getting watered down by too much white noise, and that's impressive, at least to me. I'm not sure if you and Showtime talked, but these RPs fit really nicely together, and a feud would be interesting to see, if we don't get the Cerberus Elite X Title match.

CON - There were a few minor editing mistakes (typos, etc), but nothing major that made the RP hard to read. I can't really point at anything, and say "That's no good".

 

[NSL]

Kagura Ohzora -

PRO - This RP was not nearly as long as the others, and it covered everything you needed to cover. Actually getting through a full RP showed that Kagura is a very interesting character, and I'm interested to see where this turn will take her.

CON - There were a few minor editing errors. Repeated words, typos. It wasn't so much that it disrupted the flow, but these things stand out when you read every RP. Other than that, I'd say it was pretty solid.

James Howard -

PRO - While short, you managed to cover your match well, and include some history.

CON - You know this isn't your best work, but I know you were up against the deadline. You could have added even just a line acknowledging that you dropped the belt at LL, or your performance in the Lottery match. This was a good rough draft of a better RP.

 

[Dagger Dias]

CassaNova

As per your request here is some feedback. Now, this RP was a little easier to read due to not having the giant font. However, I want to give you some more advice on the formatting. When someone is talking they should not speak in grey font. It was very difficult for me to set Mikey or Leon's text apart from the descriptions. You could have had Mikey speak in green and Leon in blue, for example. Red, blue, and green are good colors for dialogue. So is pink, which I usually use for Kirilah or with female NPC's if Kirilah does not appear in that RP. Also, the Mikey part did not sound like things Mikey would say. When you are going to use someone else's character it is great to PM them first for two reasons:

1) To see if they are alright with you using their character.

2) So they can give feedback on their own character's lines and revise them if needed.

So if you had brainstormed with Yaz on how the Mikey scene would have gone, and changed up the formatting a little to make Mikey's dialogue easier to decipher from the descriptions, that part would have been much more enjoyable to read. While we're on the subject of formatting, some agree with me on this and some disagree but it's something that helps me personally with RP's.... I prefer the script style. So with all additions mentioned here is how I would have formatted the Leon segment while still keeping your script intact:

====

Cassanova approaches Leon Kensworth backstage.

Leon: So, here are you, Cassanova.

Cassanova: Yes, I want to get some detail about my opponents.

Leon: Your opponents at Ascension 98 are Kendrick Xavier and Gino Galucci. Kendrick Xavier is a hi-tech techie geek who can amaze you with his techniques. Don’t forget, he beat Alhazred at Ascension 97 whom you could not beat at Ascension 96. How logical this is!

Cassanova: And what about that Gino Galucci?

Leon: Little do we know about that guy. That guy is a former Pizza boy. He has just debuted at Lethal Lottery and I haven’t talked to him yet. Moreover, this is a triple threat match means no disqualification. Do you know how lethal it can be!

Cassanova: Given, I’m also competing this would be more lethal than people have thought. I want to deliver a video message, can I?

====

See how more organized that looks? Throw in some descriptions in between those lines, proofread on the spelling/grammar, and you'd have been ready to go. That may be nitpicking and I am not on creative so take that with a grain of salt, but you do want RP's to appeal visually to those who stop by the thread. They will read over it if it looks more appealing, then you get them to come back for more with the actual content.

Now, I'll end with my likes. I did enjoy the bit with the celestial voice. I think we should see more of that NPC. It doesn't have to be the to extent that Theron has with Mystra or anything, but with some type of guide showing you the way, that opens up doors for more things to write about. You could also incorporate the Harry Potter direction you were considering, maybe it's a high level wizard who spoke to him? The promo at the end was well done too in addressing your opponents.

It's a step up overall from previous RP's. Work on the formatting a little more to polish up an already finished RP, and touch base with the other handler if you are featuring another character. Keep up the good work man. Hope this input helps.

 

[Con T.]

Constantine:

Why You'll Win:

As someone that writes constantly about the concept of loss, and lost loved ones (in death, or otherwise), this really did hit home. You have a way of doing descriptive writing that I'm very jealous of, frankly; I wish I could be as succinct as you, with as much emotion. It's the little things about your writing; the pitiful stare, the intent stare. The line that Bill is not looking at a former World Champion is telling; yes, you feel as though Constantine is lost, but you also realize that there's an impending change coming to Constantine's overall character.

The way Constantine gets over losses is damn great; there's something to be said about writing yourself after a loss, and letting the result guide (but not necessarily influence) your loss. Constantine is definitely selling the loss like a pro. This means something to have lost the belt. But then again, it also seems like there's a move to the next arc in Constantine's story, in which I imagine he reconciles with his wife.

Why you won't:

There's something to be said about also discussing the important match.

Full Disclaimer here: I, too, am setting up a new arc this cycle, and a new storyline for myself, much like you are. But I also knew that Beard/Zeus is a money match; it's Beard's first match back in WZCW, and it's the first time these two have ever met. Not only that, but Beard gets Zeus alone in the ring, for the first time since Zeus forced him to abandon his family, and ruined his life.

I knew I had to spend a decent amount, not the full amount, setting up that sort of match, so I did. When you're setting up a new arc, I always like to remind people that the next match is the most important. Yes, Constantine is setting up for something real exciting at KC, and you should be excited. But you should also be really excited to watch Constantine take on Alhazred.

A couple of possible angles:

• IIRC, Constantine isn't entirely on the up and up with characters like Alhazred. Eradicate some of the characters like that (which could also tie into his frustration with Theron)
• Alhazred was a member of the AOC; somewhere lurking in the distance lies Ty Burna, returned with ECD.
• Alhazred lives for chaos, and it results in picking up victories when least expected. Constantine lives for order. Great dichotomy.

I would have really loved more discussion of what should be a great match, and a clashing of styles.

All in all, great rebound RP

 

[K Web V3]

John Doe

Pro- I really liked this rp. It's very easy to picture everything and maybe it's because I really like Doe, i get sucked into it easily. Even though Doe doesn't say much, you can still feel the emotion with this guy. Doe can be a very dangerous threat in WZCW.

Con- Didn't really see anything I disliked, I was confused for a second with the green and then red text, but that coulda just been because i was 'Impaired"

Kagura Daikonran

Pro- I love the new direction for Kagura. Probably cuz i just generally prefer heelish characters, but I'm excited to see how this version of Kagura does. Also liked the explanation of the name change as well.

Con- Nothing major. Just the occasional typo or whatnot.

Showtime

Pro- This was my first Showtime rp, so I enjoyed it as I got some history about him. I liked the interview, making clear your purpose for returning. Also liked the Ryder/Showtime interaction, was a fun part.

Con- Didn't really see much, I enjoyed reading this rp

Dr. Zeus

Pro- I loved this rp. My favorite of the round. It was long, yet i still found myself kinda bummed when it ended. I still wanted more even after 4000+ words. I liked the use of changing the font sizes, both the yelling, and the whispering. All in all this may have been my favorite rp since I've joined WZCW back in June.

Con- None. Either I'm too into the character to notice, or this was just a top notch rp. Maybe both lol

 

[John McCass]

John Doe:

PRO: This was nicely written. You're trying to execute the idea that "I'm a main eventer". And, this does work. Given his performance at Lethal Lottery, Doe has become one of the guys to look up to. The eeriness of this RP is exceptional. Doe hears voices (Orton?) that seem to unfollow him whenever he strikes. This RP sets up the tag team, big time.

CON: The same mistake I did. As Dagger said, it becomes difficult to read texts just wrapped in color. It looks better when the dialogue deliverer is mentioned. Sometimes, it becomes difficult to identify the speaker, considering the colour only. But, this RP had few speakers. Thus, this didn't feel like a flaw.

Overall, I liked this RP. Everything was looked upon. Doe's performance at Lottery and all the stuff which was needed.

 

[NSL]

Ramparte -

PRO - This was a great character piece. You moved the split along well, and addressed the upcoming match, but the heart of the RP really seemed to be "Who is Ramparte?". I like that.

CON - Alice is a little strange to me. I know that's the point, but it seems like a bit of a stretch to suspend disbelief with that. You make it work well within the character, but for me it's a con. I also have no vote, so take it with a grain of salt. You also seemed to skip over the last match and how the split has gotten to be so volatile. There was no mention of Eve walking out, or the post-match events.

Flex Mussel -

PRO - I like that you addressed the recent events in the split, and progressed the character, instead of going with him working out again, after that being the focal point of the last RP. This definitely felt like a title contender's RP, and I like how you used Everest as well.

CON - I'm not sure why, but you dropped Svetlana entirely, after her appearance in your last RP. She seemed like a good character to keep around in Flex's new push.

Abel Hunnicutt -

PRO - Your storytelling is superb, and probably second to none in the fed. Abel is one hell of a monster, and Holmes as his second just works perfectly. I love the cut-away scenes, and it was all very easy to follow and visualize.

CON - I believe I've said this before, but the only CON I can think of, is having to wait another week. Abel is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

James Howard -

PRO - I like these short "vignettes" that actually give some good insight into who Howard has become. You even managed to cram in the last match, and the next one.

CON - Length is obviously an issue, but I can understand you've had a rough go the last few weeks. The length also explains any CONs I might have, so I'll leave it at that. I just hope it isn't burnout from losing the belt.

Garth Black -

PRO - I like this new attitude. I'm a little surprised Black won last round (in kayfabe), but am impressed with how you covered the win and what it really means. I'd like to see if Black gets Abel OR Holmes at Kingdom Come, given the storyline. I'm also a sucker for old school ECW-style raw footage promos, so I had a soft spot for this.

CON - As solid as this was, it wasn't as good as last round's "pipebomb", so you need to know when the well is starting to run dry, before it's too late.

 

[NSL]

S.H.I.T. -

PRO - I have always liked the character. This was a great return promo/advert, and effectively introduces him to anyone who would be unfamiliar.

CON - Editing. There's some punctuation and spelling errors, which wouldn't effect the outcome of the match, even if Scumm showed, but it slows down the flow. Also, the dialogue being the same color as the description is a pet peeve, but minor in this instance.

Vee A.D.Z. -

PRO - "I love the way I hate to lose". Stick with that. It really is a great one-liner. It is clear you have done a lot of research for this match, and it is really cool to see your growth as far as storytelling. Both sections of this are very good, and you covered all necessary topics. I'm intrigued to see what you have for the supershow, and then KFAD.

CON - I think we've talked about this in the past, but there are some linguistic differences that I am taking some time to get familiar with. This hurts the flow a little bit, but it could be just me.

Cassanova -

PRO - This felt like a face turn, which is needed right now in the midcard. The part in the library is good work, and re-focuses the character. The second half was good for expanding on that.

CON - That super bright blue is really hard on the eyes. The neon-types really blur together on a white background. It's also getting a bit redundant that a lot of people are talking to inanimate objects/voices. Just something to be mindful of. Your storytelling is not bad, but can certainly be fleshed out a little bit. There are some parts that are one or two lines, that can be stretched out to a paragraph, and that will help your RPs overall.

 

[NSL]

Titus -

PRO - The story you told here is great, and I like how you used Keystone City as a metaphor for each piece of the match. The shout out for the tag belts was appreciated as well lol You have a great sense of kayfabe, for lack of a better expression. You followed the story from the DQ here, and the heel turn has been a masterpiece.

CON - I'm not sure there are any. Usually I would say it could be longer, but you managed to fit everything you need very succinctly.

Constantine -

PRO - As always, I love the storytelling. Bill is consistently an asshole, and still my favorite NPC. You moved everything along with John that needed to be moved, and covered the history behind this match well with just a few short lines at the end.

CON - This may be a running theme in this match, but I'm not sure there are any. It felt like Constantine may actually come face to face with Mia in this one, but you pulled the tease off perfectly.

Matt Tastic -

PRO - I like the comedy here, and you covered the story with Mikey at length, without getting redundant. You also used Showtime and Theron really well, which is impressive, considering how vastly different the three guys are. It's also interesting you mentioned Matt wanting Theron's belt, while still being tag champ.

CON - Not mentioning the loss, and ot for my own selfish reasons lol You're covering the supposed demise of Live Mas, and left out that you lost your first match as champions. Also, there's no explanation as to why they're both in singles matches, and not in a tag match here, but I guess that could be covered in-show with a segment.

Theron Daggershield -

PRO - Theron is much more fun to read, having gotten through a few RPs now. It's a very unique way of telling a story, and it doesn't seem to run the risk of getting worn out. And, in your own weird (it's a compliment) way you managed to cover everything going on for Theron outside of this fantasy world that's been created.

CON - It would help if the Theron-isms were their own thread, so they were easier to find, but that has nothing to do with this RP.

 

[NSL]

Eve Taylor -

I need to clarify that I'm doing this feedback, before even reading Mikey's. I feel like I know something is going to happen, and don't want it to interfere.

PRO - Your description and storytelling is always great. Eve is a very well-rounded character, and you have a grasp on her that most people don't quite have yet with their own. She just feels like the perfect Elite X champ right now, and this is another step in that direction. Describing how the two splits are alike is a huge plus.

CON - While I like the date angle here, this RP takes a step back from previous ones, because of the inclusion of Mikey. I've liked Eve's solo appearances for some reason.

Mikey Stormrage -

PRO - That was uh...quite the interesting turn to the date, but to me it came off as Mikey's payback for Eve being a stuck up bitch, showing he's smarter than he plays sometimes. If I'm wrong, then it was just an odd turn of events lol Like Eve, you covered the divide in your team well, and kept Mikey firmly as a face, making me interested in seeing if Tastic becomes a heel.

CON - I would say this was a very one track RP, but it flowed perfectly from Eve's. If there's a CON, it's that this felt like an Eve RP, more than a Mikey Stormrage RP.

Gino Galucci -

PRO - I like the budding Gino/Xavier feud. Gino is a fun character, and this had solid humor throughout. You teased more with the mystery woman, and set yourself up nicely for a big showing at the supershow, and then KC.

CON - You probably could have gone into more with Kagura since she is a major factor, and you seemed to be lost on what to say about KFAD by interrupting it with Bob.

 

[Prince Vee]

PROs

I always fancy your storytelling, Like I mentioned once before I always get anticipated to find more about John Doe. Your description and the narration has always been great I really do appreciate that. One more thing that capitulated my eyes in this RP is the way you mentioned about the bond between Fallout and Doe. Many tag teams partners have their own way to show their relationship with their partner but for a bizarre team of Children of the Damned how that it could be? You addressed perfectly, Fallout is the only person who had seen Doe's face without a mask. Though it was short in description, it holds a lot of meaning.

CONs

Like I said I fancy your storytelling but in this RP the story wasn't that much great to that of your previous RPs. One more CON is that you hadn't addressed your opponents very much. You mentioned them both but there's something that seems to be missing in it. You barely mentioned about Beard.

Other than this, the RP is a good one. I'm a fan of your story.

Cheers!!

 

[Prince Vee]

PROs

Firstly, I would consider both the RP of Armando and Logan as a same one and will provide the feedback. Everything seemed to be going perfect between the two. The way Armando has progressed is simply brilliant. Even as a single's competitor, I reckon his RP skills, storytelling descriptive methods have completely changed. It's good to see how Logan is sorting out his time to work with Brittany, Hayden and Armando. I fancy the way this is going.

CONs

Well, unfortunately, the commencement of the Brittany sage seemed to reduce the importance of Hayden a tad. Logan doesn't seem to be The Provider whose intend is to provide his son. It seems more like he's getting more close to Brittany albeit you addressed her as a perfect mothah for Hayden.

One more thing is, I don't know if it's just me, but the Boston accent sometimes sort of irritates me. If you had added that here and there it wouldn't have been messy but in the entire RP it doesn't seem so bright and being a Brit I really find it difficult to read which tends to make me feel it's a tad boring at times.

I'm just telling that coz many had suggested me to change my linguistic usage as it's hard for em to understand and rate. Hope you don't mind with these critics.

PS. A cookie for Armando coz I really appreciate his progress.

Cheers Mateys!!

 

[NSL]

Kagura Daikonran -

PRO - The shorter RPs are definitely much easier to read, and the growth/change in character has been very well written and interests me. Thankfully you waited a week, before doing the sexy thing, after seeing it so much last week. I also like the new name. It just rolls off the tongue nicely.

CON - While this was a great character RP, it felt like your current opponents were an afterthought at the end, or at least just another plot device in the growth of the character, which can be fine, but it's dismissive. That was the only thing I really found as a CON this round.

Ty Burna -

PRO - This was an epic return piece, and covered everything that Ty has "missed" while being away, at least with what relates to him. I've never "met" Califa before, so the backstory was welcomed. I'm interested to see the second half of this, and see where it goes, and how it ends with Ty getting back in a WZCW ring.

CON - Califa unmasking seemed odd, but again, I've never seen him before, so I don't know much about the character yet. And, while I love the "pipebomb" aspect of the segment with Bateman, I'm hoping that they don't become a common "thing", fed-wide, the way people talking to inanimate objects has.

El Califa Dragon -

PRO - This was the follow-up I was expecting from "Ty's RP". You explained well how and why Ty is returning, as well as ECD, and I got to learn some more about where both characters are at right now, and even the basics about Ty that almost anyone knows.

CON - Minor grammar and spelling errors, but I know you were up against the deadline. And I'm not sure I buy the idea of Ty returning with no agenda, or how long that would last. There's going to be a target on his back. You probably could have mentioned the opponents a little more, but I think we all know Ty needed a character piece upon his return.

Logan McAllister -

PRO - You started the RP very smart, celebrating a huge win, but not overselling it. You didn't let the first win go to your head, and the celebration was very in-character. The second half of the interview, at least the teams responses were very good, and helped grow the characters and cement them as underdogs, which everyone loves to root for. I'm still a big fan of the face/heel split that Logan has between on-camera and off-camera.

CON - The 2nd section, where they split up at the mall seemed a little like it was added in to pad out length, but didn't do much for the RP as a whole, and the length wasn't needed. I appreciate the effort in not using Leon, but I'm not sure Klamor was used effectively. The sit down interview concept was fine, but he's very much an old school interviewer, and as you said yourself, this was a little TMZ-ish.

Armando Paradyse -

PRO - Armando is very self-aware. Bringing up the early history of the character, and showing the growth, is a nice touch. This RP was much more match and team oriented than Logan's, and that's a big plus, and one of the great parts about being in a team, since you have 2 chances to cover all important angles. This version of Armando is a lot better than any other.

CON - This felt short, but it could be only because I read it after Ty's novellas lol The length doesn't hurt it, but it could have been helped by adding a little more, other than repeating that you don't want to be a joke, and want the tag belts. It's okay for now, but you can only repeat the same mantra so many times before redundancy hurts you.

 

[Dave]

Gino Galucci

I voted for you in your match. I want to point that out right off the bat because I think you deserve it. This RP was a really good follow up to what was a disappointing loss from the previous round. And whilst I thought that last round was a little more entertaining on your part, I really liked the way you pieced together your work this week. It made a lot of sense and I don't think that gets enough credit around here. In a Fed that is filled with outlandish characters, I am glad that you keep yours centred in the real world. Did it make sense for Gino to be searching aimlessly for something after his loss? Yeah, it did. Did it make sense for his brother to be checking up on him after such a devastating loss last round? Yeah, I'd say so. I think the thing I liked most about this RP was that it flowed superbly. I already feel like a part of the family.

That said, I'd really like to see you make more of your family heritage. I know that the Galucci Pizza is a well known brand but I don't know why. I want to be transported to old Sicily when I read your pieces, not watching YouTube videos. In my opinion, your work should be more like a comedic “The Godfather” than I-Robot. It's a minor gripe to be honest but I really would like to see you explore that a little more going forward and I'm sure you will.

I'm glad you went with Bob rather than Mr. Banks. It made sense for him to be there and it would have been awkward if it were Banks who turned up instead. I think tagging your text with who is speaking would be better but that's a personal preference and not something you should take seriously if you're happy overall. I would also have changed Bob's dialogue colour because it was a little hard to distinguish the description from the speech.

Still, it was a good piece and introduced us to the mystery girl again, who I am sure will become more important in the bigger story arc. Nicely done.

 

[Con T.]

Gino Galucci

Why You'll Win This Week:


The concept of family is something you hit extremely well. The dialogue, the connection between brothers...it all really does a great job of immersion into world of Gino, and his family's restaurant. Like Dave, I want to see more of this family connection. I want to see Tony smacking around Gino, I want to see him giving dating advice (if this mystery girl bit goes that way I would think), I want to see these brothers doing their thing, and working in this shop.

I also really enjoy the overall positive nature of Gino's character. It seems to tap into that sort of babyface character that really makes me root for him. Even in the last RP, you really want to cheer on this character to reach great heights. You have the ability to write a really great babyface, something which can be very, very difficult to do.

Why You Won't:

Sometimes, you like to write Gino's thoughts. That's fine, but it does that weird thing where it shifts from third person to first person perspective. I've never really been a fan of that, and if you are going to write first person (which I'm not opposed to), make sure to do it consistently throughout the RP.

Also, the first person thought process is the same text font and color of the actions of the play. I'd break up Gino's thoughts by italicizing them. Like so;

Gino’s eyes go large. They’re giving me a shirt already? Even after I suffered a loss in my debut match? I know I can’t let this go to my head but man, management must really like me. There are guys in WZCW who waited long before I did to get an official shirt made for them. Oh. My. God. I just realized that I’ll seeing people wear these shirts. God, I hope they’re awesome. I hope there’s a pizza on it. Yeah, that’d be great. Represents me perfectly. Hope it’s colorful as hell too. Please don’t be black. Please don’t be black. Anything but black.

It distinguishes for the reader what is Gino's internal monologue and his actions.

 

[Con T.]

The Beard:

Why You'll Win:

The connection between ElegANT and Beard is palpable, and it has that very "odd couple" vibe. I can imagine Beard now knowing his partner, and searching around, all the while, ElegANT fumes.

Seriously, you can just imagine the little rain cloud over his head, and the face turning red like a cartoon. I can imagine this RP taking place in a cartoon, I can see the animations in my mind. And there's something to be said about presenting that much visual, while at the same time. You write in a similar style to Echelon, but you manage to be much more succinct.

Why You Won't:

OOOOOHHH, so much forgotten lore. Again, Fallout is someone you once called a brother, or sorts. You two have history. Harp on that. Harp on the fact that Fallout has remained at Zeus' side, while you've realized the horrors of what Zeus hopes to accomplish, and will stop him by taking out of cronies.

I always love when past history is touched upon, and I really, really was hoping to see that here.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Vee ADZ
As someone who went with a similar theme to their RP (at least in terms of the first part) last week, I can see where you’re going with your character: establish anger, re-establish goals and move on to the future. It works, it’s simple and it’s effective. It’s just not that interesting.

Nothing really sets this first segment apart from the other RPs set in the backstage area involving Leon getting screamed at or taunted etc… Vee’s character doesn’t come through other than he’s a generic heel. If could make a recommendation, try to put a unique spin that only your character can bring to this particular scenario.

Now this second segment brings in the reverse – you take a bit of a less traditional method and it pays off. We get a glimpse into who and what Vee is, what he wants from this match, from his PPV story-arc and what he can bring to the table that’s unique from a) you, the writer’s perspective and b) from the character’s point of view.

This could probably do with another edit or two to chop a few fatty bits out – simple things like tightening sentence’s up and making sure the flow is a bit smoother but overall I have no complaints for this second section. It doesn’t necessarily match very well with the first part but on its own it works well. That said I don’t think you even need that first part as it doesn’t properly set anything up.

A work in progress for me, but you’re certainly getting there.

Cassanova
Ah! Turquoise – a curse on my eyes! Don’t use that colour it burns! Seriously, it’s very hard to read that particular colour so take heed. My other main complaint is the English. My assumption, which could be wrong, is that English isn’t your first language or not a language you’re used to writing longer pieces in. For example:

Spoiler

“So, there is a technical nerd who wanders on a hoverboard. A lady who has just gone a character change. An unsuccessful Mixed Martial Artist. A short term memory loss. And a pizza boy whose name hasn’t been written correctly. Well, he doesn’t deserve to be called correctly. But, since they don’t look like a king, they have a thousand reasons to become one. Why do I need to be the king?”

Some of that just plain doesn’t read right or even make sense. My third, and final complaint for this piece has to be that I simply think this RP is took choppy. We’re here, we’re there, and we’re everywhere. It’s very erratic.

As for positives, your character is actually very interesting. The name inspires one particular image and your writing conveys something else. That creates a real interesting juxtaposition and the scenarios and environments we find Cassonova in create a well rounded experience.

It seems to me you know what the character is and how to use him, but can’t quite figure the nuts and bolts components. That takes a while to get down and you’ll need to work on it before it flows easily, but you’ve got the hard bit down, just keep plucking away mate. You’ll get there.

John Doe
I can see why you like my work so much. We are similar in our styles and our characters are very much in the same vain. As a result we have many of the similar strengths: atmosphere and gravitas are easy, emotional engagement also comes across very well in yours – the interior monologue conveys the emotion and thought processes, really delving into the character’s psyche and thought process. It lifts the curtain and absorbs us.

The issue is, not everyone likes that sort of character and that sort of thematic style and it can become a tad dull so mixing it up is key. This worked fine in this case, but there can be a real pitfall there. There’s also the issue where one can become too absorbed with one’s own ranting. I tried to address this by making one of Holmes’ defining features that he rants and rambles maniacally. It doesn’t quite fit purely with characters like Doe or Abel.

Yes it’s interior but are introverts so self contained in Shakespearean style prose or monologue in general? I don’t know the answer and I’m interested to see where this can go either for you or I.

Fallout
Blocks of text are dull. He said, he did, he did and said, he moved, took a fat crap. It gets repetitive and dull. I get the feeling this was rushed and that’s why this has emerged in this way. The way you write your RP’s (I.E. like classic prose) can fall into this pit occasionally and it can be a refreshing wake-up call, so be careful.

In terms of good stuff, similar to Doe’s – you have a great introspection of Fallout as a character and understand the key elements of such a character and the specifics related to your own. There’s also a fun theme of recognising a common soul and goal running between the two RPs and that comes across well.

The good stuff is good, but its mechanical. It felt like a nuts and bolts piece that misses the emotional high notes.

The Beard
Zubaz. Always…ALWAYS a plus.

This was a weird RP for me because I came in expecting one thing and came out with something else. I expected this to be far darker in tone, after all Beard is coming back and facing off with his old comrade and said comrade’s new playmate. And of course, given the Pale Rider’s dark tone I expected that to be reflected here. The fact that it wasn’t was a letdown, but also a breath of fresh air.

On one hand I really wanted to see that vendetta, that history and that background laid out and worked through. How does Beard feel about this, how does he combat it, and what’s he done to overcome his misgivings, his feelings. That was lacking.

That said your work tends to reflect your real life self and I felt the warmth, the happiness and the willingness to move on as such from that dark expectation. So it lacks the depth but it makes up with the surface fun. Its not deep but uplifting and that’s most pleasant to read. Difficult to judge but it made me smile.

elegAnt
You’re the Becky Lynch of WZCW aren’t you? Puns, puns everywhere. This match works very well actually because your RP matches Fallout’s very well – they’re both short and lack real depth as pieces but yours is fun and warm and very enjoyable. There’s nothing to really get stuck into and of course that hinders it, but I wasn’t bored.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Men of Mayhem

Alright so first things first.... Let's talk about the accent Brittany speaks in. Brittany's accent makes her lines really tough to read sometimes. It does make her stand out from the other NPC characters, but I definitely feel some toning down of how much the "ah" syllable is used could help make people struggle less when reading her dialogue. It also doesn't help that you now have Logan speaking this way too. Two characters that both have overkill of the "ah" syllable was a little hard to read through. Stuff like "bettah" or "Mistah Klamah" make sense but other terms created by this accent such as "befoah" and "ahre heah" may be a bit much.

Also if Logan and Brittany are both going to speak with the same accent and frequent use of "ah" then I would find a way to set their dialogue apart. For instance.... in mine Theron speaks a little more laid back, using abbreviations or slang often while Kirilah has a more formal tone and rarely if ever uses them, even though both have the same accent. Maybe try something like that for yours but in reverse, Brittany being more laid back and Logan being more formal if you are going to have Logan continue to speak in Brittany's accent. Just a thought. Logan also slipped back into "normal" accents a few times, I caught a couple of possible typos like "our" instead of "owah". Try to remain consistent and proofreading for typos never hurts.

Part 1 was a little too long. I know I'm one to talk, with the novels I submitted in several rounds a while back, but part 1 from your team in this round alone was 2 rounds worth of material. I'd have kept the shopping at the mall portion for another round so more focus could have been put on the match. Another shopping RP might not be a bad idea given the right opponent. You guys did a better job of being on topic of the match in part 2, where the opponents were addressed sooner and in more detail. You're up against one of the best writers the fed has ever seen, so you gotta bring your very best in rounds like this one.

I do have positives though. This was a good read overall. I have to be honest about something, when I first found out you guys were forming a tag team I wasn't sure if it was the best idea. You've made me care about your team and thus made me change my mind about Men of Mayhem, which admittedly at first I thought was a bad idea. You guys are working well together. The two posts flowed extremely well when read one after another. Just needs some polishing up in terms of the amount of "ah" syllables for Logan/Brittany, and I'd really want to see more of Hayden in future rounds. I think he should be the most featured NPC, not Brittany, but that's just me. Last but not least.... anytime anyone uses an interviewer that's NOT Leon is an automatic plus for me. No matter what.

Hope this did not come off as me being too hard on you guys. I want to see you both improve. Looking forward to seeing what the future holds for your team!

 

[Dagger Dias]

Vee ADZ

This was a step down for me compared to last round. The formatting was akward at times because you sometimes used the script appearance, but then other times did not. I prefer the script appearance myself, others don't, but whether you use it or not you need to be consistent through the whole RP on whether you use it or not. Shifting from script to novel back and forth isn't good formatting. I would have put Vee's thoughts/conscience as such in the dialogue. For example:


====

He drops his phone close to his bed and arches his head back and lay on bed. His mind starts to introspect the day. It stops at a point where he begins to complacent himself about his thoughts on Noah Ryder. But something reminds him. Something quite strong; he breathes out before talking to himself. Vee's thoughts are heard.

Vee: (Voice-over) What do I want every day when I get into the ring? Amid the masses of WZCW universe? I want to win, yes. I want to face the likes of Titus, Dr. Zeus, Matt Tastic, Ty Burna and the list goes on; more importantly I need to win over them and win their respect. I have lots of goals. I fancy walking down the ramp night after night. But....

He sits up slightly and crosses his arms as more thoughts are heard.

Vee: (Voice-over) What does this fella Noah want? He walks down the ramp every time, presuming himself as a rookie. A rookie who’s hungry for a win; who just wants to impress everyone on his first outing.

====

I do this with Theron a LOT. When he internally processes, I still keep it in script format and show the reader that it's a thought of Theron's that they get to hear while the NPC's do not. I would do this with Vee. Never switch into novel form if the same RP already has script form. Keep in mind I am not on creative so my harping on this may be irrelevant to your match result, but it was part of why I liked Cassanova's better. His only formatting problem was the use of Sky Blue (go for Cyan or regular Blue next time, Cassanova! ). The other reason being his didn't have anything that felt unnecessary, which is how I felt about your Leon interview.

Speaking of Leon.... I would have deleted the Leon part, it didn't really add anything to me. Granted I do give people a hard time for using Leon too often as it is, but this RP would have been better without that. I'd have kept the match result flashback but then skipped straight to the internal monologue, maybe begun with Vee looking back on the match before he begins internally processing. You did a good job in addressing your opponents and why Vee needs the win in the internal monologue despite the formatting swap that you did. Addressing your character's thoughts on your upcoming match is the most important part so it's good that you're getting that objective done. Removal of the Leon interview part at the beginning and better formatting of the internal monologue would have been the main two things I'd have changed.

I know I have constructively criticized you in other RP's too, especially on formatting, but you are a good writer. Much like I said to Men of Mayhem a moment ago, I do care about your character and I do want to see you improve so I hope this did not come off as me being hard on you. Hang in there.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

John Doe

So glad to see the tag division has new life and I'm even happier to see a pair that just seems to belong together like Doe and Fallout. It's a good place to be right now in the cards and Children of the Damned is a good name.

It's difficult to say anything that hasn't already been said before. Like to see more about your opponents in the future but the narrative was excellent. I get a solid idea on what Doe is all about even though his actions are still a mystery to the readers. It's a good beginning for the duo but then again you guys beat those burrito chokers your first time through so that ain't saying much XD

Give me more. You guys have a good synergy going and I look forward to seeing it evolve.

 

[Dave]

John Doe

So, consider this the feedback I owe you for writing a match the other week. Thanks again for that. Unfortunately, however, I can't say whether I will be voting for you or not. Simply because your opponent and your partner have yet to RP.

Still, I have to tell you that I'm really high on your character. What you're doing well now and what you continue to do well, is keep the mystery of Doe wrapped up rather neatly and let it out at the best moments. This piece is exactly the same in a lot of ways. We all know that Doe is demented but the scene with the preacher was expertly done. Your descriptive work is very good and rivals some of the best in the Fed. I could actually imagine Doe being in the room and imagine the scenery around him; that really excites me in everyone's work when it pulled off. And it is in this scene that the mystery if John continues to grow. Taking off his mask, crawling towards someone for salvation; it was awesome. I do find it interesting that he called the man "Father" though. And with Zeus saying that it was a place of his youth, could it be that was actually a dream of his own father? Intriguing...

The second half of the RP was more standard in terms of the structure and content but I liked it too. Doe's ramblings were coherent enough to cover some ground on the upcoming match but creepy enough to make it possible that Stacey and the camera guy decide to get the hell out of there. But I think the thing I liked the most about both parts was the way you interacted with Zeus, that's an intriguing little chemistry right there.

My only gripe is that Zeus knew what was going on in the head of Doe. How does he know that? It wasn't explained. Still, it's a tiny little gripe in an otherwise fantastic piece. Good work man.