RP Feedback Thread

[Richard Blonoff]

I'll do Titus as well real quick before I run off for lunch.

Scumm vs. Titus

Titus wins. Shame really, this had potential to be decent. Hopefully Titus furthers his turn. I had to look up George Stroumboulopoulos (the fuck kind of name is that?) I actually like the unique approach of using a real life analyst for the fed. Ha, there is that Sting joke he mentioned. I kind of like how Titus claims his actions are just Titus being Titus. Feels like a face RP, but its hard to ignore the years Titus put in as A Number One Duke of New York face. Man he tore into Scumm. Savage as fuck. Fucking ded.

 

[NSL]

NOAH RYDER -

PRO - This was great! Definitely a different tone than usual, and it felt like the big time PPV that's needed for such a huge match. Interesting to also see Noah piece together some things, but not quite have it all yet. I hope he sticks around, even with Showtime returning.

CON - This also felt a bit like a desperation move, like a drastic change of character, to try to secure the win. But that's not as big a con as usual, considering Noah has been absent lately lol

CASSANOVA -

PRO - I like the new darker tone to Casanova. You write the dialogue very well for him, and have a good grasp of what you want to do with him. I also like how you referenced demolishing Kendrick Xavier at the supershow. It's important to point out strengths. This was also a better "dark" than squishing a bird with your bare hands. You had a good idea with this RP, and if you executed it perfectly, you'd be right in the hunt for the win.

CON - Your research is usually very good, but it was a little off this time. You pinned Xavier, and made Ryder tap. You quickly mentioned having some success, and then brushed it off. You could have dwelled more on that, instead of mentioning at all that you are the underdog. The first paragraph is a weak point, to me. It's very jumbled, and it's not a language barrier. You had a good idea, and hurried to put it together, instead of planning it out and rewriting it a few times.

KAGURA DAIKONRAN -

PRO - I continue to think your shorter RPs work better than the novellas. You're a great writer, and it's best to dole it out in short bursts, instead of overwhelming the reader. You only mentioned the opponents in passing, but you fit it in seamlessly with the rest of the story you were telling. Kagura was already a favorite, I think, but this makes a compelling argument for you to win this and rocket into a title shot.

CON - This KFAD is for a mid-card title, not the world title. It doesn't change the quality, but I definitely think it will hurt in the voting. I know you were up against the deadline, so I'd assume it was a mental lapse.

SHOWTIME -

PRO - Showtime is all of a sudden the Hogan of WZCW. He's accomplished all there is to accomplish, and he's doing it now for the fans. He's fighting the bad guys, to show kids that it pays to be good. You may not have intended that, but it was perfect here. This match has been one the ones I'm most anticipating, and I know it won't disappoint. I hope it goes past KC, honestly. Your use of dialogue is something I wish I could nail so easily. I definitely think it is my weak point. Also worth nothing, the opening, and the work put into it, I'm sure will not go unnoticed. That is insane.

CON - I really don't see any here. This was a great RP all-around.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Elite X Triple Threat

Why the fuck is Flex's RP stretching my screen? You automatically lose Dynamite. Actually I see the issue, I'm gonna ninja edit fix it. I got a weird Oedipus vibe from Flex for a bit. I didn't hate how he turned Ramparty and Eve into his parents. You wrote Kurtesy about as well as anyone not named FalKon could. I think the end was a little cheesy, but it kind of works considering that Flex has taken on the face role of this feud. Sets up a good post KC for Flex, win or lose. Ramparte used fancy quotes like he is cool or some shit. Stop being smarter than me damn it. I remember when Morley got a BJ, now you are letting him retire. I love a good ending. Rain is cliche but I'm a sucker for it. I'm gonna say it right now, Batti will make or break this character. She will either play the energetic colorful personality to Ram's sort of lethargic gray personality, or she will annoy the piss out everyone. She is kind of funny and I appreciate that. I would never count off for font choices unless it was yellow or a neon, but gray is an interesting choice. I thing Ram has potential to come out of KC, win or lose, as a true evil heel. Not quite on the level of Zeus, but close. Eve is self aware and it made me chuckle. The monastery Aubrey was kind of random, didn't see it coming. You wrote Aubrey probably better than what Harth ever did. So much walking. SO MUCH WALKING. Makes my fat ass tired. Future face turn? Fuck all three of you for making this hard.......fuck.

Abel vs. Black

Is Tasty taking a shot at Killjoy and I? Delusional angry veteran Garth Black has been a good fun ride so far. Clever quip with the doctor and the ice. Oh hell yes Daddy Mack. Not sure how I feel about Tasty not asking us permission to put Mack in his corner, but fuck it its a cool move so I'm cool with it. Did Phoenix and Black feud? That was before my time. "I actually mean that I am not sitting here attempting to flirt with you and in so doing confirm that I have rarely if ever conversed with women as half of the roster do. Nor am I going to belittle and demean you as a woman like the other half do" He is right you know. Man Daddy Mack in the corner would have been cool. Haha Ricky Runn reference. Tasty is taking a shot at Killjoy and I. Tasty is taking a shot at everyone. This RP makes me feel like a piece of shit. Abel starts us off with a prayer. Why are people so much better at writing RPs than me? They actually pick appropriate songs. This preacher is interesting. The image of a hobbled Steven Holmes walking around a deserted arena is cool. I really dig the flashbacks to past Kingdom Comes for Holmes. Falk was the one who came up with the Holmes has no balls chant. Good stuff there. Abel comes off as a simpleton being manipulated by Holmes more so than normal in this RP and it works well. It really paints Holmes in an evil light. Turning Holmes into a manager was one of the best calls in recent fed history.

 

[Con T.]

Gonna start my feedback with the Tastic/Stormrage match. I'm going to get to every match, and next is going to be Constantine/Showtime, then Veejay/Howard, then the tag match (Oh damn, eight RPs....)

First, with Yaz:

Why You'll Win:

It stayed true to the character. I had circled down that Mikey was going to be playing Fallout 4 (or Black Ops III. But Fallout 4 was my best bet) for weeks now, because it fits the character so well. You play the underdog so well in your RPs....I was wondering how this work, since both you and Killjoy's biggest strength is playing the underdog role. But I have to say, for this match, you managed to underdog Killjoy. And since it fits so well into your character, it makes sense for your character to build up that feeling that he can accomplish the goal, and be the everyman.

I also like how you can tell Mikey doesn't really hate Matt Tastic. The trick is in seeing the things Mikey wishes on Matt. A paper cut on his tongue. The childish language of it really gets over that he doesn't dislike Matt...in fact, he's his friend. This gets over an emotion that Mikey really doesn't want to do this, but will do what he needs to, to beat his best friend.

Why You Won't:

Gratuitous/Self-Aggrandizing Flashback:

So, Kurtesy/Dr. Zeus. Submission Count Anywhere, at Redemption 2013. In the match, I decided I was going to break out all of my tricks, and had Zeus visit Hell for the night. During that, I had Dr. Zeus speak with a corrupted version of himself, one in which warned him of his fate.

I was wary of the fact that having the talking to yourself gimmick could be a bit cliche, but I thought I did it well.

I lost that match. And to this day, I think it's the only loss I've ever had to FalKon.

Point being, the talking to another version of you can be done, but in this case, I wasn't wild with it. I liked the idea of seeing all of Stormrage's defeats. I even liked that the ideal Stormrage is so vastly different from the actual Stormrage; I think it sets up for a lot of internal conflict down the line. But I also think the other version of self thing has been done before, and the scenario can be a bit of a trope. It's a trope that works for Mikey, just because of how different the version he wants to be is from his actual self. But I could see an issue there.

Matt Tastic:

Why You'll Win:

Great use of flacshbacks to make the points of your two opening paragraphs. Great allusions to the fact that Matt, by nature, is a pretty asocial person. It really gets over that this match is big, because these two friends are going at it. Again, this feels personal, and ehartbreaking at the same time. And to be honest, I think you got over more how heartbreaking this feels. I feel bad for Mikey because he has to go through this, but I'm gutted because Matt Tastic, who seems to have few friends, felt the need to rip one out of his life, for now. It's that moment where you want to scream for the two to just patch things up, but realize it can't ever come to that. Well done.

Why You Won't:

Two things:

A. I'm not sure if you needed the Stacey and Seabass interview. I'm not sure why, but ity felt redundant (even if the material for both promos was wildly different). I guess I was just left wondering why the two promos couldn't be just one, and that felt jarring to me.

B. Sometimes, the dialogue felt very monlogue-ish. It felt like a giant wall of blue text, then red text, than black text. Perhaps spacing it out might have benefitted the overall RP.

These were two really strong RPs, that in a way fed off the other. Again, you can sense a heartbreak, a pain in which makes you feel really bad. Top notch work, on both parts.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Veejay vs. Howard

Howard's RP looks short. Taking us back to Revolution. His attention to detail is stunning. Where exactly are WZCW Head Offices? Man, he really ran down Veejay. Good heel work. I like that Howard is at a crossroads. He could turn face after recently reuniting with his wife. He could stay heel and keep running people down. Good RP. Ending gives us a lot to work with. I like that Veejay is going to the doctor after a crowbar to the face. I like when guys play off what we give them. Veejay seems a little whipped. He must really love that girl. Everest seems random. The voice over at the end was a nice little touch. Not a perfect ending, but decent. Close call here as well.

KFAD

KFAD was hard for me. Vee didn't take the big step forward I had hoped, but he didn't fall flat. I like how he sounds very English in his RPs though. It makes me think of warm happy thoughts. Gino used some odd choice of words at times. Me thinks it was odd anyway. I'm not sure how I feel about the fight sequence either, and the Amber Warren reveal was meh. I think he can use her in the future to better results, but this time it wasn't popping. This almost felt like filler from a longer RP. It never had that wow moment. Jacque was a fun temporary NPC. The segment with him made me speak in a French Canadian accent aloud and it pushed Ryder up the ladder, that along with the good backstory. I wasn't a fan of him insulting the talent pool in the match though. Cassanova wrote an okay RP if his only opponent was Xavier. He keeps throwing random shit at the wall, this may be able to stick though. Show some real anger. A face turn may help if he wants to play the underdog role though. Kagura seems mad. I like when Ech stays on the shorter side. He has talent, and when he condenses his talent into reader friendly RPs it helps his cause. Kind of a slip up on the World Title/micard title thing. Solid RP, makes me hopeful for a solid heel run after KC.

Tag Team Title Match

Ty was fantastic. He mixed old school and new school Ty Burna so well, he threw in humor (sexy humor at that), he added a new chapter to Califa. Things are looking good on the Phantoms front. Doe was just as violent as ever, as well as giving us some insight into who Doe really is. Who beats up cripples? John fucking Doe. I did clear him for that, so don't mark him off for it. Fallout did a good job with providing us some character backstory. I'm not sure how I feel with the RP being in two parts. It would have been a great series of RPs, but as it stands it puts his team in the running. elegANT and Beard brought the lulz and played the faces so well. elegANT is still my favorite thing in the fed and I love how Beard is such a flexible character. Post KC, these guys are trending up. Logan did a solid job of keeping up using Brittany as a good NPC and hell even Armando was readable. I would have liked to see more teamwork between Logan and Armando though. I do have to commend Logan. He has done a good job of improving on what was basically Kevin Owens when he came in.

 

[Con T.]

Legends Match:

Constantine:

Why You'll Win:

Ah, I see we both wanted to take the angle of seeing things from the wife's perspective, have we?

I like it; I think a lot of the times, we tend to forget that our wrestlers have lives outside of the storylines that we run. This does a great job at capturing her thoughts and feelings, which is a breath of fresh air from always seeing things from only the wrestlers' perspective. There is also something to be said for how you have Mia say so much, and yet she says so little. I find it really powerful, in a way; it's the ultimate example of showing, not telling. You never outright say Mia is afraid when she thinks someone is breaking in, but you know anyway.

This had almost a gothic romantic feel to it, in some ways. Surely without the supernatural, but the knowing that the love is complicated, and that this isn't an ideal romance, in the slightest. The end scene is poignant. The letter is beautifully written. The twist of the insanity of listening to Bill's voice is on point.

Really, this was a spectacular RP. I can't say enough good.

Why You Won't:

I'm struggling here. The typos have been mentioned, I don't think there's any point to bringing them up. I feel like maybe the seeing someone that isn't there thing may be a bit overdone, but then again, I just got done reading Mikey's RP. Plus, pending on how you view the demons (if they're real, or a figment of Zeus' imagination) I do the exact same thing.

Like I said, really hard to pick flaws. But your opponent was just as difficult to look at cons for.

Showtime:

Why You'll Win:

I loved all of the callbacks to history. This is, in a lot of ways, the Rock and Stone Cold at Wrestlemania 19. Seeing these characters share their history in this way was really illuminating, and really sells the importance of this match. But perhaps my favorite moment was the instances of childhood, and the little acknowledgement that these two knew one another as children. It's almost as if this match was predestined; that these two were meant to fight each other until the end of time.

Loved the use of the podcast; it really does feel like everyone in wrestling is getting one, so I loved that Johnny of all people becomes Jim Ross. But it does make me realize we'll probably never get a Bobby Heenan podcast, and that makes me sad. Man, can you imagine how much fun that would be?

At any rate, the content of the promo with Johnny was very good. I think it gets over the history of this match, but I'd like to see a lot more anger to it. But the content worked, and set up for what was an overall really solid RP.

Why You Won't:

The flashbacks to the past history of Showtime and Constantine got a little muddled, and hard to read. While there's so much of it, I think it could have been cut down a tad.

The other thing is that I'd like the dialogue maybe cut up with some action in it. That's really hard with the nature of podcasts, but I believe that could have really helped break up the dialogue.

Really impressed by both outings, and think this is going to be really hard to vote on as well.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Prince Vee

This was one of your stronger efforts. I liked the story you told. You covered why Vee has the desire to win, and you discussed all of your opponents. Thus, you nailed the most important part. The bit at the end about the meteor shower and all the science stuff, let's see some more of that in future work. Maybe try the artist thing again too, I liked the drawing you did a couple of RP's back. Make Vee bring something to the table that nobody else does. I know I'm giving you that piece of advice frequently, just know that when you stumble upon that specific thing that works, you'll know it and you'll be glad you searched for it. Sara is a great NPC. Keep including her in your story and developing their relationship.

Ok, now I have more formatting tips for you. You're improving in the formatting aspect but you made a couple of formatting decisions that could have been done a little differently. In the first part you have an awful lot of lines of nothing but black descriptions. That's something that's best to avoid. Plenty of descriptions are great, although having Vee internally process some more in between the descriptions would improve these parts. Or connect some of the small paragraphs into single longer ones. From Vee's internal processing line up through Sara's first spoken line, it's all black word forts other than the rap lyrics.

What if Vee had thought to himself in between some of those descriptive paragraphs? Open up his mind some more for us. He's a genius, right, so having him analyze and internally process can be a good layer to add more of. What did he think about his opponents when he is alone with his thoughts? Add that, then re-inforce those thoughts again when he speaks to Sara. Write him internally think something about how happy he is to see Sara when she shows up for her part, then allow the reader to read that before more descriptions follow, before Vee verbally speaks to her. This looks nicer than multiple paragraphs of the same font color in a row.

You had Vee's Father speaking in bolded text. You shouldn't do that. Names of speakers should be bolded while their dialogue should not be formatted other than the color that they speak in. See the below example for how I would format Vee's Father's lines:

Vee’s Father: You should know what I saw in you that I dislike. You’re a great son and more skillful than I ever I am but I don’t want you to be like me. I might’ve given you thousands of things to inspire but certainly there must be a few that altered you off beam.

You have everyone else speaking in non-bolded font, so the father should also be written this way. It's easier to read too. I'm not sure if you will win, however I predict you make it into the final 3 of the match. Keep it up and good luck in the match.

 

[Prince Vee]

Armando Paradyse

I would say this is definitely a step down from the time you and Logan paired up. You touched many spots in this RP but didn't get deep into them to perfection. Armando stormed out of the counselling session? But why? But why necessarily he or who forced him to go to the counselling session? There are lots of questions unanswered.

And you weekend Logan a tad in your RP. He was nervous for this fight, normally heels won't be nervous. And there's a small lapse in the Formatting, in the second part, you gave both you and Logan the same font colour at one point. It confuses me slightly.

You had improved tremendously and completely looked like a heel when you paired with Logan. I enjoyed your last RP when you handed the steel rod to Logan. But patronising about being a former Mayhem champion sort of seems repetitive. And the title was vacated as well so don't use it too often. (This one is just my verdict)

I want to see the continuous growth in Armando. You've good pairs for you. Logan, Brittany and Hayden. Use them to perfection. Men of Mayhem will rule in the future.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Showtime

I actually made few notes on this match as I was just enjoying reading the RPs. Both were very well done, among the best I have seen from either man. I loved the flashbacks to the history between Show and Consty. I only wish I didn't have to get beat up in one of them lol. The bits about Show as a child were very interesting. They worked well to create this full piece that really paints Show in a positive light. Like NSL said, what is there left for Showtime to accomplish? He is a grand slam champion and a HoFer, there are few things left on list, but you managed to find the mark with the attitude that Showtime is doing this to be a good guy. I also really liked the choice of song at the beginning. I think I repped you for it. It really helped set the mood of the beginning of the RP.

The flaws were few and far between. The interview ran on longer than what we normally see, but it was presented in a fashion we don't typically see so it didn't cost you. This was a very good, near flawless RP, and I commend you on writing two very good RPs this round. Win or lose, you proved a lot of us on creative wrong with your quality this round.

 

[Con T.]

Veejay VS. Howard

Veejay:

Why You'll Win:

The voice over is the best part of this promo. I feel like it gives the most focus into the character you want Veejay to be, and his motivations. I really enjoy the line, "it's time to seize my keys for the kingdom!" It ends the RP on a rather strong note, and alludes the paradise of victory.

Also, the relationship between Veejay and Saffron is quite nice. I like taking a glance into the real world, and how getting involved in professional wrestling can often affect the family.

Why You Won't:

Couple of things:

• Is Veejay still a heel? This came off as a rather face RP. If the character's turning babyface, then it was a great babyface RP. If the character's heel, then it comes off very face-ish (Veejay overcoming injuries for his love of wrestling), and makes it a little less effective. But perhaps there's a face turn to come with this RP, and this character.
• Everest appearing seems a bit random. Are he and Veejay friends? Have they met before? You do a great job establishing a relationship between Saffron and Veejay's relationship, but I'd like to see some sort of relationship established between Veejay and Everest.
• Furthermore, Everest has always been a face. So, if you're going to be a heel, it seems weird to be buddy buddy with a babyface legend.

Also, just an observation. At some point, you write this.

You don’t understand. (She hugs Veejay tightly) You’re everything to me! I cannot see you get hurt.

Really, you'd want to do this:

You don’t understand. (She hugs Veejay tightly) You’re everything to me! I cannot see you get hurt.

If a character is performing an action as they communicate, be sure to always have the action in black text. That way, the reader is sure it isn't dialogue.

James Howard:

Why You'll Win:

Remember when I earlier that I love to see the effects that wrestling has on a wrestler's life, and how I love to see the consequences play out over time for a wrestler?

This accomplishes that, tenfold.

The truth is, this isn't a very fun sport. We glamorize it, and then we forget about the real injuries suffer in their later years, until that wrestler passes away at the age of 50, and lament how that's too young. Terry Funk is still wrestling on the indies as we speak, and even when we're aware of the damage he's done to his body, we still line up to watch his next match.

Howard succeeds in showing us the very real consequences of this sport. Again, I'm not sure if the CM Punk connection was intentional, but I still made it, nevertheless. I love how this makes it feel like there are stakes, and now, it really does seem like Howard (much like all wrestlers) is now living on borrowed time.

Why You Won't:

I guess it was a tad short. I know you only wanted to highlight the return, but there's so much fodder for James Howard, on the injury front. The broken neck (which was alluded to, to be fair). Kingdom Come two years ago, and the war games match. There was so much fodder for James' past with history, that I would have loved to see that mentioned just a little bit. It also would have better highlighted the attitude change in Howard, to me.

 

[Con T.]

Fatal Four Way:

John Doe:

• It's the little things that get done well. Like explaining Stormrage and Tastic's reason for giving up the belts. Sure, it's heel logic, but you could also find legitimacy in what Doe is thinking here. In kayfabe, the failure of Live Mas is separating them...So, sure, this makes sense.
• I mentioned to Showtime earlier (and others) to space out their monologue with action. This does a great job of that. It spaces it out enough
• I understand why Fallout doesn't speak as much, but I'd love to see more dialogue between the two at the intro, and really through the RP.
• Mentioned this in a PM already, but I love the choice of using Biblical names.
• Would love more of a description of how Gabriel knew that this was John Doe, his brother. I mean, to be fair, I suppose that it's pretty evident, but still.
• Love the dichotomy of Gabriel's faith, and John Doe's atheism. Really nice touch.
• You set a scene very well. The final image of Doe and Fallout in darkness, with Zeus above them slightly, is a creepy image to leave your audience on.

Fallout:

• I might be wrong here, but it does bear mentioning: is Fallout (Viktor) the first openly bisexual wrestler in WZCW history. Just thought I would note that, and seeing his backstory is really cool. I think that Fallout is one of the most mysterious characters in the fed, so revealing just a bit is always illuminating.
• I always find it interesting when wrestlers convictions and motives are revealed. Zeus turning away from God and Fallout partnering with a character that has abandoned God makes so much more sense to the reader.
• I can understand Yaz' complaint on making the post a two parter, which I imagine was more the result of length than of content.
• Logistically, if you were to connect our three RP's (with Chastity leaving Zeus in fright, for his allowing a demon to possess his soul), this would all make perfect sense. Chastity can't reach Zeus, because she doesn't want to. It flows perfectly.
• I'm actually in awe over your ability to make Zeus' rhymes. So often, I stick to one syllable, because it seems safest. You have a way with words that, were I ever to pass on the Zeus character (and his manifestations), I'd want for either you or Ty to be the ones to write him (potentially Kermit, were he to ever return, and FalKon).
• Seeing Fallout get emotional is rare, but when it does happen, it comes off in such a poignant manner.
• The intro to part two felt slightly long, but I can understand why so.
• Again, really enjoy the concept of Fallout literally fighting for his last shreds of humanity.
• Love the play on life and death, and the ending nails that home perfectly.

 

[Con T.]

Armando Paradyse:

• Indeed, Armando has come a long way from "The Phantom of Paradyse" who always no showed (which, coinicentally enough, no showed All Stars 3)
• Seeing him as sort of a leader in this tag team is very interesting. It plays up the veteran and rookie partnered together gimmick.
• In the same vein, Armando is dealing with his own feelings of inadequacy, which is nice
• Was hoping to see Brittany in your RP, as she's sort of become a glue for your team. Found it a little weird that she wasn't there.
• Also found it a little weird that Logan is nervous. I don't envision him being a wrestler that gets particularly nervous.
• Felt a tad short, but an otherwise serviceable RP. The problem is, Phantoms of Chaos and COTD churned out excellence. This RP would win against decent RPs, but wouldn't beat excellent RPs. And your opponents frankly put out excellence.

Logan McAllistar:

• I'm a mark for the Boston accent, can't lie. I think now that we've addressed why he doesn't want the Boston accent, and his dislike for his city, that it's ok to let it slip from time to time. Even accidentally.
• Never sure how I feel about the "we want it more" mantra. I always find that really to be weird...like yes, no other team wants to win, we are the only team that wants to win. Of course Ty and COTD and Bearded Gents want to win.
• That said, I hear this so. fucking. much. In Boston. Like all the fucking time, about Boston sports teams. Boston fans are the worst at spouting cliches about their teams. So, in being a heel, this was the ultimate heel move. Therefore, while grating, it was actually really effective.
• Ugh, Boston fan bragging about rings = heel heat
• I don't want to typecast you at all; but man, you could play that up for heel heat all day long. Even praise yourself for being more disciplined and focused than your opponent, just like the Patriots. Pull out the "Hate us cause they ain't us" card every now and then. I can tell you right now, the heat from that would be super, super nuclear. Look no further than HateHabs forever, a normally fine person who's relatively easy to stomach until a Boston sports team comes up.
  
  Right now, the Pats are open season for everyone to hate, whether they deserve it or not. Have Logan carry around that same Boston arrogance, and it will be great heel heat.
• Great relationship between Hayden and Logan.
• I'm always wary about actually using drugs, even though my RP facing Beard involved implied heroine use. Still, i would like this to have been built up, for the past few weeks. This seemed just a bit tacked on; for something like drug use, you'd want to at least build it up (note: I did with Ellie. Looking back on past RP's, you'll see it's implied/mentioned that Ellie sold her soul, literally, to get clean)

 

[Con T.]

Ty Burna:

• Man, it's still really odd to see Ty Burna-Family Man. I mean, I'm not sure if it will ever not be weird, but still. Love the writing and relationship between Ty and Arianna
• The opening scene is really cute (again, so very odd for me to say), though it does feel a bit long. Jokes are on point though.
• Again, good logic behind why COTD haven't attacked. I'll admit, I wish there was some interaction between the two teams, but can understand that there was a short amount of time to fill it in.
• Love the little Jekyll and Hyde tease with Ty's eyes lighting up just a bit. Love the conflict between being a family man, and being the demon Ty Burna. Almost like the Dark One from Once Upon a Time (my fiance likes it...What of it?)
• Love the tension here, really do. This felt weirdly short, but at the some time, not short. Perhaps the best word is succinct. Very to the point, which leaves you wanting for more Califa's promos.

El Califa Dragon:

• Of the four teams left in this match, these RP's are the most in sync with one another. I realize that seems redundant, but at the same time, it helps when your second RP is fed directly by your first one. Doe and Fallout had a similar thing, but your team told one total story, a la Saxoteur. So, yeah, this works in your favor.
• Very Lucha Uunderground ish. I like the play on the spiritual world of Califa and the Chaos world of Califa. It's almost like watching a Mexican Thor, if that makes any sense. And the visuals are fantastic.
• I would have loved for more hesitation to come from Ty. Think of what this entails; Ty may believe he can keep the Chaos in check, but I think we all know it won't go that way. And in that vein, I'd love more internal conflict for Ty. I'd even love for him to question the allegiance of Califa. But just milk that moment before Ty goes too far, and does something that's going to altar the course of his entire life.
• I'd also really love for Arianna have more of an idea where Ty and Califa are. Arianna knows that Ty and Califa have gone off together. I think she should notice, if there was an air of foreboding, that those two alone may not be so great. Maybe have her showing signs of stress, or seeming just a tad a worried.
• Minor quibbles, though; these were great reads, that as I mentioned before, were the kinds of excellence you were going to need to win.

 

[Con T.]

ElegANT:

• Something I never really considered; Bearded Gents V.2 really are the purest faces in the match. Yes, Ty and Califa are here, but they surely aren't always acting like faces. Beard and ElegANT are really the plucky babyfaces of the match
• Nice nod the state of wrestling today and the overly scripted promos
• Really like that the odd couple Beard and ANT just get along, and don't bicker
• Felt a tad short
• Very solid RP. Very few cons, but not much standing out to be excellent.

The Beard:

• Man, this actually seems even shorter, honestly.
• Love some of the lines in here, as always very poetic.
• Cause only a real doucher would call it that. What I’m referring to is the art of karaoke. I laughed.
• Short and sweet, to the point.
• Solid RP, but just doesn't feel like a Kingdom Come RP.

 

[Con T.]

Mayhem Match: SHIT and Barbosa

Barbosa:

• Great, now I'm imagining Curtis Axel, when not being used by WWE, reviewing Sex and the City episodes
• Great way to bring back the character, and opens up the chance that Barbosa may reveal himself again and again.
• As someone who's fiance loves Starbucks; thanks for the absurdity of Barbosa's drink.
• A quick check of their groin reveals that their castration had only been on a social and not yet a physical level.
  
  Again, I laughed.
• LULZ, Barbosa got put on hold.
• It's the perfect amount of humor, absurdity, and yet menacing, all the same. Yes, this is all funny, but the very real realization that Barbosa is one of the most destructive beings in WZCW history.
• We don't care that there are numerous others queuing up to accept that challenge. You know as well as we down that they will all fail miserably. Only we have the ability to take S.H.I.T. down.
  
  Man, that does a really good job of selling this match, and selling how there are only a few people that can pose a threat to SHIT
  
  
  
• LULZ, Joe Mason
• Great RP, though I can only be certain this is a one-off. Which makes me very sad, indeed.

S.H.I.T.

• Again, the opening bit does a great job of building your opponent, and the actual match
• Great explaining the backstory to those that may not have been around to see Technosa, and may even not know why this match is so important.
• A new age is dawning on us, Barbosa, an age where the likes of you and perhaps even the likes of I will not be welcome. Our mutual desire for destruction will be considered a thing of the past, a relic of a bygone era. When the Machines take over.
  
  I love the irony of this line, but also the realization that we cna't keep doing this forever. That for all intents and purposes, the wild fights of Mayhem may be a thing of the past. Just a really fitting line, that was superbly written.
  
  
  
• If SHIT wins here, I'd say he's compiled a damn good resume for KC. But he's also undefeated, which would be cool, if I weren't sure this was yours and Barbosa's swan song.
  
• I know i called Showtime/Constantine the Rock/Austin of our KC cycle, but this could also qualify. This feels like a gigantic match, that while I wish it had more time to build, I'm still going to be excited (and saddened) for.

 

[Con T.]

Titus VS. Johnny Scumm

Johnny Scumm:

Why You'll Win:

You will not win, because you did not RP. Thus, you will not win. Had you RP'ed, you might have won this match. In fact, your odds of winning this match would have greatly increased, had you RP'ed. You did not RP, and thus you can not win. You have forfeit your opportunity to win, and thus, your title. A title you had successfully won, by RPing, and RPing well. Sadly, you did not RP, so you will lose your title. I would suggest in the next cycle, to RP. This will increase your chances at winning next cycle.

flibbity flob.

Why You Won't:

You will not win, because you did not RP. Thus, you will not win. Had you RP'ed, you might have won this match. In fact, your odds of winning this match would have greatly increased, had you RP'ed. You did not RP, and thus you can not win. You have forfeit your opportunity to win, and thus, your title. A title you had successfully won, by RPing, and RPing well. Sadly, you did not RP, so you will lose your title. I would suggest in the next cycle, to RP. This will increase your chances at winning next cycle.

flibbity flob.

Titus:

Why You'll Win:

You will win because you did RP.

Oh, shit. I should actually give some feedback for this one.

In a way, I feel really bad, because your opponent offered you literally nothing. There is nothing more frustrating than when you have an opponent that gives you nothing to work with, so I can understand if this RP feels like an old Titus RP, as opposed to developing the heel Titus gimmick. I mean, think about it; in the weeks leading up to this, you had Theron Daggershield and Showtime as your opponents for this cycle. You couldn't have asked for better babyfaces to help work out this new heel character! Now, when you have literally nothing to bounce off of, it does feel like a usual, solid Titus RP. Which is fine, but also doesn't do much for you. Which should change as soon as you get the next opponent for your new Eurasian title.

I remember the title being a big thing for the Titus character against KO, and see no reason you will lose it. I'd say just keep bouncing off the faces, and keep playing the smarmy heel role that I think you have developed so very well.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Marcus Wagman:

Since your sample RP's are very short, I'll review the two pertaining to your current character and not the Yellow-Skinned Wacky Man one (I love you if you get this reference).

First and foremost, you need to format your RP's better. You need to colour code your dialogue not only to distinguish it from descriptive writing, but also to more clearly clarify who is talking. I'd also try to keep it consistent; I always have Fallout speaking in purple, and have various recurring characters retain their same colour in text also. That said, your formatting to show that someone is talking (bolded name) is fine though, and I like how the names shorten once they've said something for the first time.

Your writing style is actually quite humorous, and with your character, you have a lot of great possibilities to work with. I laughed when Mark took over the interview in the first RP, and the line "Give me the f-word mic". I think you have the basic elements of the gimmick down well, it's just a case of crafting a storyline for the character and putting him in different situations as opposed to just having him interviewed.

I would say that your general writing could use some work though. You have a weird habit of putting spaces before question and exclamation marks, which seems very out of place. You could also do with having some more going, as there were several stretches of long dialogue where nothing was really going on, and with such an energetic character, you have a lot of opportunities for visual humour with the character, like eating energy bars years behind expiry date because "he lives, breathes and eats the 80's" for example. Other than that, there were a few grammar errors, which I'd recommend using a website to check for before you post your RP's.

Some recommended reading would be some RP's from JGlass, Doctor and Pancake; they got humour down wonderfully.

Also, it might just be me, but I'd love to see his rep as Surfer Sting. It would add a lot to the cheese factor that I think you're trying to go with the character and he has a more believable build than Billy Idol. Completely up to you on that front though.

Mark has a lot of potential, and I enjoy what I've seen so far. Keep at it .

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Jeremiah Ashley:

I think a general tip for your work in general Meeks is that it could with a bit more going on. You have a decent grasp of heavy material as some of your Corvus RP's have shown, it's just there's not enough meat to it. The same applies to this introductory RP; even for an introductory RP, it's very short. Thriller is a good example of someone who can write shortly efficiently, and has enough going on in his RP's to get wins.

Your RP has an interesting basis to it with Jeremiah's search for purpose throughout his life, but if you're going to stick to inner monologue and zero dialogue (which is always a risky strategy), you need to have a lot more description and direction to make up for it. As Paul Heyman would say, hide the weaknesses and accentuate the strengths.

With that said, maybe an NPC or two to work off of would work nicely to satisfy the lack of dialogue, although it's still very early days with the character.

It's a decent introduction, but is very barebones, which isn't a good thing. If you're going for an element of mystery to your character whilst still being engaging, I'd look at Haiku, NSL, Ty or even my own work.

 

[Dave]

Just a reminder to some of the newer members of the Fed. This thread is merely to GIVE feedback. Any questions or comments about said feedback should be directed toward the backstage section or a PM

Thanks.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

As promised, here are my votes & notes from the KC voting thread. This is word-for-word what I wrote in the creative room... except for the notes about Barbosa/SHIT: not enough information to be actual feedback.

----------------------------------------------------------

Theron Daggershield (c) vs. Dr. Zeus
Matt Tastic vs. Mikey Stormrage
Eve Taylor (c) vs. Flex Mussel vs. Ramparte
Constantine vs. Showtime
Johnny Scumm (c) vs Titus
KFAD (Kagura vs. Gino vs. Ryder vs. Vee vs. Cassanova vs. Xavier)
PoC vs. MoM vs. CotD vs. Bearded Gents v2
Barbosa vs. S.H.I.T.
Abel Hunnicut vs. Garth Black
Veejay vs. James Howard

I picked the winners! Yay!

Matt vs. Mikey: Killjoy, you did a whole lot of everything in your RP. Whilst taking probably only one of those ideas would've secured you the victory if you incorporated everything else in the RP, the multiple different scenarios along with the double interview lost you points for me. Yaz, you stuck with one theme and the points you hit were short and sweet. I felt like the ratio between filler/important bits was too much and you could've cut down on the filler (even though most of it was to built up to the important bits but still). I liked everything you mentioned in your RP KJ but the switching between scenarios and resetting the scene killed your RP. The only reason I'm voting Yaz here.

Black vs. Abel: Like KJ's RP, I didn't like the constant switching of scenarios despite the great content (including all the digs at creative & the blurring of the lines) but what I really didn't like out of the two RP's in this match was the use of other NPC's by FunKay for a match about Abel, who had about three paragraphs. Yes, I read it and understood it was all to built up to the end and give us some backstory about Abel and yes, it was well-done but I feel like Abel should be the one talking and be focused on more. Holmes had too much of an input here. I understand the Paul Heyman/Brock Lesnar comparison but this is creative writing where only the writer can hinder a character's performance. FunKay is a great writer so why is he using Holmes to do the talking?

Howard vs. VJ: This is how you do multiple scenes correctly: Shotaro's RP did a great job of using little scenes to build up to the big one. Every point he hit drove everything home; his character, the match and the backstory. Excellent work. Cyberpunk however, had two scenes he didn't need. He could've easily incorporated the doctor's scene and training facility with his talk with his wife. Too many scenes, too much content.

Tag Titles: Theo & Thriller were short and simple. KWeb & Ryder showed potential and improvements (with KWeb getting much better & Ryder becoming, dare I say it, enjoyable to read). Great sets of RP's. Ty did very well to balance his two characters and honestly, I liked how one RP focused more on Ty whilst the other focused on Califa. Didn't feel like he wrote both himself. He hit his points very well. However, I'm giving creativity points for NSL & Fallout for their RP's. Two very interesting standpoints and they did a good job of executing. Giving it to them by a bee's dick.

The KFAD chamber:Vee wrote a nice RP but it lacked something. The ending dragged it down a little bit. I don't know what Jam was doing here. Another pet peeve with writing a wrestling match for an RP comes up. Why do people do this? Showtime gave us a solid Ryder RP here. A little interesting, too. Cassanova had so much potential for his RP but he didn't deliver. It could've been amazing. I don't know what Ech did but he's not doing as well as he should be with Kagura. The heel turn, the events leading up to it and the book killed everything interesting about Kagura. Showtime wins it easily. Would've rather given it to a rookie but I'd be lying/being biased if I did.

Consty vs. Show: I love your writing, Dave. Most pieces I read - especially the bigger ones - feel like a short story, building up to a climax that really delivers. I liked the interesting take of focusing from the NPC's view rather than Constantine. You did it well. Showtime did a great job of summarising everything Constantine/Showtime have done and giving context. Plus, the use of Klamor for a podcast was a nice touch. However, I feel like Dave's got it here. The emotional story beat the RP.

World title: Damn. Haiku really knows how to integrate his past with his current person. Every RP he does it well and it makes everything so much better with the context. The soundcloud bit at the end - whilst a bit bad at points with the audio - did excellently to wrap it all up. Dagger did an amazing job with his RP to incorporate all his NPC's and summarise everything about his career. Really a great RP. Had a hard time picking a winner here but I think I'm going with Haiku. Dagger could very easily win this though.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Just a reminder to some of the newer members of the Fed. This thread is merely to GIVE feedback. Any questions or comments about said feedback should be directed toward the backstage section or a PM

Thanks.

Guys please: follow this. Don't post in the feedback thread if it isn't feedback. Everything else should be done via PM or in the backstage area.

 

[Prince Vee]

So, Batti Otaku has became an integral part of Ramparte now. At least he isn't making out with Alice the Stick anymore.

Well, let's get to the point. I really like the character Batti, obviously who doesn't. She's lunatic, bizarre and sort of erratic. She could bring new lights to Ramparte.

Pros:

I enjoyed everything in this RP. You kept it simple at one spot and at one time but still you managed to cover all the necessaries. I like how he is going to move on from Flex and Cerebrus to Garth Black, albeit having some grudge against Flex to take care later. I really liked how you addressed that to perfection. The event took place at Flex's Fitness is apt for this context and more apt when Ramparte finally left the keys behind.

"I'll pay you back" was a nice touch for the end.

More important thing I should address is, you used different fonts with different Sizes. It is one such time I really enjoyed that. It was different from how Cassanova used in the past. You did it really good.

Cons:

I didn't see any Con here, albeit I reckon there's a tad lack of acknowledging Garth. He's been on a role with his Pipebombs, you should've added something more.

Overall it's a fantastic RP.

 

[NSL]

I'm not going to be doing feedback for everyone anymore, but I will do feedback for new people, at least for their first RP/match.

"The Remarkable" Mark Keaton - First, the good stuff. You have a good sense of comedy, and I chuckled at a few parts. Breaking the fourth wall is very unique, so that's stuff to stick to. If you can flesh it out a bit, going forward, you have the makings of a quality character, and a guy that would work well with a number of other members of the roster.

This was a terribly short RP though. Once the deadline passes, take a look at Thriller's RP (elegANT). He is a perfect example of how to write a short quality RP that will win matches, and he can be very funny. I would personally recommend trying to make them a little longer, to tell more about the character, and to put some more meat around the comedy bits, instead of just firing one liners over and over. Also, the formatting is a little inconsistent. For all the different time references, I think you used a different format each time. It just makes it look sloppy and unfinished.

Another thing to consider is this guy's face/heel alignment. The RP felt heel-ish, as if he was the annoying jerk in every 80's movie, instead of the likeable loser, which I think would be more fitting, given the air guitar and grunge/metal vibe you want him to have. And the signature moves and finishers are heel tactics. A guillotine choke, and a German suplex into the turnbuckles, are hardly moves a face would use.

Bottom line: There's potential. Take some more time next round, and polish up the edges a bit. If you are steadfast on this demeanor and moveset, I'd switch him to heel too.

 

[Prince Vee]

Gino Gallucci

Hello Mateys, I don't reckon I'm experienced enough to provide you all with the feedback but I'm continuing what NSL left. Anyhow take these as just my verdict and perspective.

Pros

So here we go, I always fancied your storytelling. It's simple and easy to read and you do organise it well. No one would've thought, Backstage Bob can be used in this way. I fancy your perspective on that. I liked that phrase "Change is coming and it'll be remarkable . You let your character talk well and good.

Cons

There are quite a few, which I had seen in my own RPs before getting corrected by the others. First one is, your back story. For the match against Me at Ascension 100, you told a long story about your father and his rival. For kingdom come, you used a completely different story involving Amber Warren. Now when you switch back to this rival from the past, the new readers might not be able to see who he is. It's a tad confusing. You should take a gamble in mixing things up.

Secondly, you should expose some of the feelings of Gino. Like Ramparte, who bursts out. Gino is a humourous guy, and he used relate everything in pizza when he talks, but it seemed to be missing.

You see mate, everyone in the roster is creepy maniac bizarre or some sort of awkward lads. You're one of the few who's sane and absolute enchanter. Use that perk to the further.

Overall, I really enjoyed the RP. It went so smooth and I knew the back story as we were in a match or two. Just my verdict

 

[Prince Vee]

Men of Mayhem

I really am amazed by how you both have grown as a team and there's no big flaws in your RPs overall. But there seems to be something missing which I'll point out based on my verdict.

You both don't come often together in your RPs. As soon as the matches and backstage rants are over you both go in separate ways for the roads. It always seems a tad odd for a tag team. You see, you both should help each others out but that doesn't seem to be happening. Logan goes for Brittany and Armando to someone else. You're a team and you should have your shoulders against each other.

As far as Logan is concerned I don't mind you going for Brittany as she's the love of your life. But in times, it seems like Logan forgets he's been doing everything for Hayden and you barely mention him. He's a great RP you should use him more often.

Other than that, there doesn't seem to be any flaw. Just extend a few things and give some rationale. Sometimes its hard to accept that, a simple phrase from Brittany will calm down the Tough-Tempered Logan. Overall a solid RP.