RP Feedback Thread

[Prince Vee]

Veejay

You're a good RPer. I've read someone of your old RPs in the gold rush and before. But things seem to have changed from those time. It's hard to identify whether Veejay is a face or heel. You had a brief feud with James Howard who's an apparent heel and now you're teaming up with MoM. It seems weird. And Saffron had disappeared all of a sudden so does Dilip. From what I have learned in my short tenure at WZCW, using your NPC to the advantage will be advantageous to you.

But, your flow and addressing the situations are dramatically cool! Working out and simultaneously introspecting, that sounded really nice. I enjoy reading your RP but sometimes these sort of things missing. I'm not giving feedback, mind you, coz I'm a rookie as well. I'm just sharing my verdicts.

 

[Prince Vee]

Constantine And Dr.Zeus

You two blokes, should've warned me to not read the RPs at nights. They give me nightmares. They're just bizarre and creepy. But the overwhelming verity of it is, you never forget to address what that needed to be. Always amazed by your RPs. It's no wonder you both can win this match. And the flow between the Constantine and Zeus's RP just was so laminar and there doesn't seem to be any flaw in the connection. You both are such RPers who will just picturize the surroundings to the readers eyes!

Btw as a bribe, I would love to hear feedback for Vee from Haiku in return Cheers in advance.

 

[Prince Vee]

Theron Daggershield and Mikey Stromrage

You two had written a cool RP collaboratively. It was simple, elegant and much apt for your character. Matt visiting Mikey aftermath their match was a nice touch. I always fancied these sort of RPs where the members of the tag team works together. Both of you stayed in the character and the emphasis on Mikey being a tag team specialist was really brilliant. This might can give an edge.

Mikey proved he isn't a choker, Theron waiting for his avenge over Zeus. Either of them are ready for that battle. The end seems like this isn't going to be just a battle for Meltdown 124 but a war in the future. It keeps the anticipation high.

But there's a concern, you both hadn't addressed about Constantine much. He's a great competitor and a threat for you both. He single handedly ended Dorian and Ty's career before. You can't just ignore him owing to the more compass on Zeus. But still that's just my verdict.

We're going to have an entertaining Main event at Meltdown 124!

 

[Prince Vee]

John Doe

I might sound a tad absurd but you see, this is a step down from your Kingdom Come RP. I know KC is the biggest event and you had to bring up your A game but still.

The reason is that you overexpose Doe to us, and that's been happening a tad hastily. I always fancied his story but now you're exposing his identity too soon in my verdict.

Mind you, what I'm saying is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the RP but I'm a big fan of John Doe coz I love mysterious stories but it seems like you're breaking up the twists so early :|

Doe still needs to be mystical, at least for me

 

[Prince Vee]

Titus Avison

Wow, the heel turn for Titus is working like wonders. Seriously, I love reading Titus and Matt's RP because, obviously there are only few straight-headed sane superstars are in the WZCW locker room and being myself as one such, I gather some valuable points on how to write a RP from you.

Ever since your heel turn, you took it to the entirely wayward level and I'm loving it. Glad that it worked out. Momentarily I thought Bruce Irwin's gonna be the ??? against Vee but you took him out of the equation, cheers on that mate

PS. Patronising about the death Christopher, the bloody brother of Johnny Scumm seems ah god terribly heelish. But it hurts

Matt Tastic

It's really hard to predict a winner between you both. You both have made some really good RP. No wonder why you both were world champions :-/

I fancied the part where you kept on insisting that you weren't mad and I also loved the humour in the RP. "I'm mad at myself" that part was a touché. Great RP by you both. Going to be a wickedly cool main event!

 

[Con T.]

Vee A.D.Z.

Ok, so first and foremost; the internal monologue between Vee, Vimal, and Vee alias. The content of it is very good. I like the way these three personalities interact with one another. Each voice feels distinctly like its own person, and yet feels as though they are extensions of Vee. I really like the way that these voices interact in this stilted manner. I don't even particularly mind that they're supposed to be speaking simultaneously, though I also had a few issues with it. It was very good dialogue, but to be fair, it also was a little hard to imagine the voices all speaking at once. But I also think that's what you are going for, so you succeed.

Now then, let's talk about formatting, shall we? All of Vee's inner voices are in a royal blue, which is really jarring for the reader. If you're going to have the inner voices, I'd recommend giving them a separate font or color. Barbosa does this, but he also makes it abundantly clear which voice is which. You know when Manic Barbosa is speaking, when Depressed Barbosa is speaking, etc. The inner voice gimmick can work, but I'd recommend doing a bit of overhaul on how you format it.

I really enjoyed the flashback, and the use of the mathmatic formulas really help. I actually think it's the best part of the RP, I don't have many criticisms of it. Having the visual of Vee's trajectory really helps.

I really do enjoy the conversation between Sara and Vee. I sense a really good progression of the story. But (and I understand why you did it), I hate when things are never explained, even when the character says they will. It's one of my bigger pet peeves, and while I understood why you did it, I wish Sara had just explained instead. But it was a really good progression of your story.

I can't tell you whether or not I voted for you or your opponent, especially given the whole nature of your match against ???. But I can say this was a very good read, that with a few tweaks could be even better.

 

[Con T.]

Armando Paradyse/Eddie Romero

Look, FWR, I'm going to level with you; this week was not great. I don't mean that to be mean; in fact, there were some pretty good elements to this RP. There's just a lot of bad, that we need to get out there. This is going to be looking at the RP, as well as the choice to change the character.

First and foremost, I like the context of Armando seeing a therapist. I like that the neurosis of being considered a joke is driving him to see Missy. I really do like that. I like that Armando is seeing a therapist. I like that he has problems he needs to solve in his RPs. I like that Missy seems like a competent therapist. This is good. This progresses Armando's character. I like when a character gets progressed.

I like the self doubt Armando feels. I enjoy that he's self aware, and that he's trying to reinvent himself. I think there's also something to be said about embracing who you are, and what you've done in the past. I think that this does a good job of expressing Armando's need for self validation. This is pretty good, and good character development.

Many of the choices in this RP feel like a retcon. It feels like an attempt to retcon Armando's history, and instead present this new character. I can sense that you want to get away from Armando, and get to something new, because you feel the character is tainted. I get the rationale, but I can't say I agree. I'm want you to consider this, because I think it's very, very true.

The more you try to retcon and make people forget what Armando has done in the past, the more people will bring it up.

Again, at this point, we're kind of beyond reconsidering the retcon. The retcon is done, and instead of trying to undo it, it's best to move on, and try your hand with Eddie.

The RP itself really had no connection with your partners. I was dying to see some sort of connection between you and Logan, maybe even Veejay. I think Logan really tried to work you into his RP, I think Veejay sort of did, but didn't (which I'll address in his RP), but I'm less sure you did. It leads to three very disjointed pieces of writing that kind of sinks Logan, who I think had a pretty good RP. Maybe that's why I'm so frustrated; it feels like the connection of MoM was sacrificed, to push forward this retcon. I'm cool with that if this match was one-on-one, but this winds up screwing over K Web V3, and Veejay.

When I teamed with Lee and Constantine, I'd never worked with either in a match in my entire fed career. We had very little interaction with our characters, but we all respected each other's characters. Dave came up with a great idea to do a Dawn, Dusk, and Dark RP, where our RP's took place at the time of the day that best suited our characters. We made sure we were cool with what time we got, and we wrote pieces that wanted to work into their other's story. We told a story about how evil conquers good, and told a pretty decent story. Hell, Dave and I were PM'ing one another, so that we could have specific points in our RPs. I specifically wrote most of my dialogue to be a direct contrast to Constantine's scenes.

The point of this self-aggrandizing flashback is to say there should be more of a woven story into these RP's. You don't need to pull the Saxoteur gimmick of telling one story in two RPs (although I'll admit to enjoying that format). But there should seem as though there was some form of communication. It comes across like K Web V3 wrote an RP to get over the team, Veejay wrote an RP to get over Veejay (which, to be fair, he isn't part of a tag team), and FWR wrote a piece to retcon a new character.

I promised I wouldn't go overboard here, because I really do enjoy the premise of two wrestlers who want to bring back the heyday of Mayhem. Fuck, I tried that (and admittedly failed). But I have no problem saying that this team would have been in a lot of trouble had Theo RP'ed. And it isn't completely on FWR's shoulders, but the mentality of doing the retcon does really bother me. It doesn't bother me because of the retcon (again, we're here, and work with it). It bothers me, because it feels like you sacrificed your team for the sake of the retocn.

 

[Dagger Dias]

John Doe

Dang, this was good. One of the best RP's of the round, even. Very well written and good job with the descriptions, you left me interested through the whole thing wanting to know what would happen next. When reading many RP's, I find myself having a finger on the mouse, ready to click down a page to get to the next part. I wasn't doing that here.

The discussion with Fallout on his previous alliance with Zeus in the Riders was good. I liked this conversation as it was good development for you and Fallout as a team together. The best part in terms of the writing quality was the scene with Mary. The way you wrote Doe here, with his WANTING to be called a monster, that shows your skill in writing a heel. This was heartless stuff that Doe was saying.


So for criticisms I really only have a couple. The first isn't much of a big deal but you did have a typo. "6p, later that night..." probably should have read "6PM", but again not that big of a deal. The bigger one is you should probably have addressed the match a little more. The line of "You have history with Ty. Leave El Caidos to me." does address it, but speaking of it a little more may have helped. This was a character development piece though and it was a good one. Well done and I look forward to the rest of what you're writing this cycle.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Vee ADZ

I'm glad you took my advice on not having Vee's father speak in all bold anymore. His dialogue was much better formatted this time and not difficult to read. I also liked that you had characters speak in Swedish. I might be the only one in the fed who didn't need any translations for that scene. Do more of this. Theron speaks it too, but to him it's Elven so you'd technically still be the only one using it. The use of the image for the calculations was also a good thing to do. Exactly what you should also include more of. Vee is a genius and him comprehending this shows it. Show us more of how brilliantly smart this guy is, that's something he brings to the table!

Alright, formatting. I did have a bit of trouble with reading the back and forth between Vee, Vimal, and Vee alias. Never have the same font color formatting in the same conversation for more than one character. For a scene like this I would do different shades of the same color. Also, seperate the lines. They were too close to each other which made it look a little akward. For example....



Vee: It’s too late to start… Over…

Vimal: (voice-over simultaneously) Why? Nothing had gone wrong to start over.

Vee alias: (voice-over simultaneously) You’re a paradox, Vimal. You’re an outdated version, a clinically depressed version of him. It’s just a bloody song, stop confusing him!


This would have organized the scene and it would have been more effective if it looked neater. The pro's outweigh the con's on this RP though, so whoever "???" was, they still had a challenge this round. You're on your way to something good here.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Here is the feedback I promised you from my KC stuff, Lee. Due to my tardiness of getting this to you, have some free feedback for last round as well. No reciprocation required!

Titus Avision at Kingdom Come

Despite the unfortunate situation of Thrash, you would've received my vote for this RP piece ("unless Thrash wrote his best RP ever" obligatory statement). What I've noticed from Thrash in his most recent RP's is that he added a lot of filler and fluff. Your always clear & concise RP's would've had this in the bag. Nothing extra that we didn't need to know... except maybe the first couple of lines. Forgive me if you were referencing something or you alluded to what it was yet I've forgotten since KC.

As I read through, there are a couple of bits where you've lost me. The Car Wreck Awareness clip could've been put in a quote or put some fancy ***** things like creative does to separate match from segments. Had to double back there and although there isn't much fluff, doubling back artificially feels like fluff, y'know? Anyway, there are some jokes in here and most I understand and it suits the Titus character still believing he is a face but the most that shone out (to me in this RP) was the explanation of the new direction; why he acts like he does now. Really well done.

I don't know how the Chris Hill stuff would've went down if Scumm RP'd and Thrash was still around. Honestly, I couldn't tell you if you would've gotten into hot water or not but it was an excellent part of the story to utilise. Nothing I consider in poor taste.

It is a shame Thrash didn't RP. I don't know whether you held back knowing Thrash wasn't going to RP (let alone walk out as champion) but I would've loved to have seen a competitive match & the RP's it would've brought out. Ah well, still a very solid RP nonetheless.

Titus Avision at Ascension 101

Free feedback. Now with 100% less commercials!

I was confused by the choice of setting. Titus as a face would've definitely done an interview like this but Mr. Avision? I know you've kept a lot of face characteristics transitioning to your heel side (which is the best move for any character - keep the character the same, just act accordingly to your alignment) but I thought by now he wouldn't be doing this; Avision thinking he'd be too big for this. I liked how you mitigated this by having Titus be aware of the situation and mention it but still, it confused me.

Cool cameo by Bruce Irwin during the Australian round to help further your character development. Great timing. It wouldn't have gone over well with me if you did this on any other round. Considering your history with Matt Tastic, it was nice to see something different, too.

Some solid stuff talking about the match. Very quick but to the point. Could've made it longer maybe but nothing wrong with what you've got.

------------------------------------------------

Final verdict on the RP's:

Nice to see Titus heel but still retain his character. Some people completely drop that aspect when they turn to the other side. It is great that you're clear and concise on the important issues like character development and talking about your matches.

What I don't like is the weird references to thing but that's mainly because I don't get a lot of references. The jokes are cool and whatnot but I feel like sometimes you add them in to beef up your RP's. I know it's been your thing to do in RP's but personally, sometimes one or two of these little things can go amiss. But hey, if it works and/or you enjoy doing it, why stop?

 

[NSL]

Tony "B.G." Mancini - The center alignment forces these to stand out as short RPs. I would definitely consider sticking with left align, and adding some meat to the RP, if/when you get to your first match. Also, these 2 are basically the same interview, just with different characters. Was that because these are developmental RPs? This character could grow and have a few layers to him, so try not to beat us over the head quite so much with the possible crime connections. It could get to a point where it'd be impossible to believe he's still employed, while clearly being a "real life" criminal, even under kayfabe circumstances.

You have 3 more to go, before Apocalypse, so I would recommend mixing it up a little more. We've seen 2 interview RPs. Maybe try a story-laden RP, or a stand-alone promo. This is a guy we should really love to hate, so give us a reason to hate him.

"The Remarkable" Mark Keaton - Kind of ironic that I had just mentioned this to Milenko, and need to repeat it here. There is a way to work certain angles, no matter how far-fetched, and make them work. Even in kayfabe, it would be hard for a fan to believe he's still employed by WZCW, after knocking out a cop, stealing his keys, and escaping jail. With the character you're creating, it would have worked just as well, and helped grow the story, if, instead a cop and a jail cell, he was at the door to an 80's hair metal club, and had to knock the bouncer out to get in. same affect, more legal, and fits the gimmick.

The second section worked much better, and as outlandish as it was, it worked well for the guy. One exception...The Beard is a former World Champ, so overlooking him like that is probably not a good idea.

The third section started strong, and would have worked well even following the proposed story I gave before, but went a little over the top when you got to the chase, and had a car explode into flames (Mark has killed a man now?). It could have been Smokey & The Bandit, or even Death Race 2000, but it became Twisted Metal. The first two would have been fine, and still very funny.

The final part, with "Rat-Man" is even within the realm of believable comedy. You have a talent for writing comedy, and this hit all the marks (no pun intended) that I pointed out in the first feedback. Better formatting, better storytelling, better character development, and you added some length to it.

The two biggest things, are to try and rein in the insanity of the comedy bits, just enough to make them slightly more plausible, and to remember this is a tag team match against a former World Champ, and a former Elite X champ. Next time you're in a tag match, and I can tell you there will be a few while you learn the ropes, I'd suggest taking a day or two to talk to your partner and map out something, before you ever start writing anything.

This is a fun character, and there is a place for a comedic heel like this, and you clearly have a knack for writing. You just need to refine the edges a little bit.

 

[GI Cake]

Dr. Zeus:

Haha, you said dick and balls. That made me giggle.

First off, most of my feedback is mostly me comparing your writing now to then two years ago when I was on creative reading your matches. It's been a while since I've ready very many RP's outside of Yaz's, Shotaro's, and others who've asked me to read their stuff. So I'm a bit rough around the edges on judging someone's writing.

The first thing that stands out to me with this RP for Meltdown 124 is that you've gotten far more confident and comfortable writing other's characters in a RP other than in matches and promos. I really don't know how to describe it other than that frankly. Constantine, Fallout, and John Doe feel much more like their actual characters instead of the more common approach in RP's with other writers who use other wrestlers more like cardboard cutouts to advance the narrative.

Now I think I made my feelings on religiously themed characters known in past conversations with you but they always feel more campy to me than the deep, nuances that can come from incorporating religion into gimmicks and RP's. But your word choice, and the tone of your writing help make the gimmick feel more fluid and natural than cheesy. But with that said, here are some criticisms about what you could do better gimmick wise.

Props/pictures: The graphic of the stain glass I think was either poorly chosen or poorly used. If memory serves me right, the stained glass is supposed to tell the tale about the temptation of Christ. Where Jesus Christ lives in the desert for 40 days refusing the temptations of sin. Which in my eyes doesn't fit the theme of this RP very much aside from one line regarding Theron Daggershield. To me, it feels like you just googled "devil stained glass" and used the coolest graphic you could find. The average layman won't give it a passing thought and just chalk it up as a cool graphic, but I feel if you put the extra mile in you can make your graphics a touch more meaningful and deeper.

Lastly, the promo work was top god damn notch. I'm a huge fan of the gimmick and you have made your work literal poetry. It's a thing of beauty and really shows off the creativity you're capable of. You're able to use the gimmick itself to present your character rather than shoehorn exposition and filler. Love the work, and I'll definitely try and keep up with more of your shiz-nit.

 

[Prince Vee]

Time for feedback now. I would love to get one back from you as well.

First I ought to say this. It's quite interesting to see you blokes using Backstage Bob these days for the backstage interview. Last time I reckon both Gino and Matt used him. Gino probably might've started that customary but I don't complain. It brings something fresh into the RP. We have more than 20 in our Roster and at least 15 of them uses Backstage Interviews. Leon and Stacey in most of them except Titus mostly goes for TV shows. So this Backstage Bob thingy is much more fresh.

It was fascinating that, you didn't just use him, but you gave a rationale why Leon and Stacey aren't used. And it's easy to intimidate Bob by saying, "Run Bob Run" than intimidating the others. It was a brilliant work mate! Props for that.

I love how the story streamed from the Ascension into the storyline, about the Mysterious women following John Doe. Honestly speaking, I didn't fancy your RP for the last round because it seemed like you broke the story of John Doe way too early. But this time, I really love it.

This is what I fancy about. Keep him mysterious and skeptical to the readers. Who is he? False God or True Demon? Keep that mysterious. And bring out the twist and turns in the story for big matches.

Like I used to say, I always love the story of John Doe and things are getting more exciting. Good one, mate.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Anthony "B.G." Mancini


Alright the first thing I see when viewing your first RP is centered font. Don't do centered font. I've never been a fan of that style, it is a lot less enjoyable to read than the traditional left aligned style. I do see that you changed to left aligned text in the last two RP's, but right off the bat I had to address the centered font.

In RP#1 you had a typo where you put "Lein" at one point. Not a huge deal just watch out for stuff like that. I always proofread my RP once or twice before submitting it. Sometimes more. Typos have a bad habit of slipping past you and I'm guilty of it too.

Another formatting tip I have is that you should write the spoken dialogue like this....

Theron: Let's battle the dragon!

Instead of like this....

Theron
Let's battle the dragon!

The formatting doesn't really look right in the latter as a name of someone speaking dialogue, when compared to the former. The latter is better utilized for dividing up an organized list of things (which chances are you won't have in most RP's) while the former follows the script style that's easy to follow. It's a matter of preference but the former looks a little neater than the latter. I'm admittedly nitpicky about things like that. A neat and organized RP is often more enjoyable to read though and the more organized the formatting is, the more likely your message and story selling point will be to hit home with the reader. I might not speak for everyone since when I read the RP's it's just for fun, so take that with a grain of salt.

You have a typo in RP#3 where you didn't complete the coding for italics font. Be careful about stuff like that, since "As they get up to leave the door" looks a little sloppy.

In RP#4 you had the agent and Antonio speaking in very similar font colors. Not a good idea. I would have had one speaking in purple and the other in something different such as olive (this color) or red. If you look at my RP's I always have everyone speaking in very different colors for their font. Theron's always red, Kirilah's always pink, Kaleesta's blue, Kellia's green, and so forth. Even the NPC's that aren't in the Merry Band Of Misfits all have different fonts with none being too similar. That way you always know it's someone else speaking. There were a couple of times when I thought the agent was speaking when it was Antonio, before I re-read it. Here's how you could have switched up the fonts for instance....

Agent Henderson: I'm gonna nail you this time Mancini. No one deserves to die like that no matter who they worked for. You're going away for the rest of your pathetic, miserable life so you better enjoy this new wrestling gig while it lasts.

Antonio Scarletti: That is more than enough of that Agent Henderson. Now if you're not going to charge my client with anything we're leaving now, uncuff him please.

So on the positives.... I liked that it was a continuation in each episode. You'll want to structure your Meltdown/Ascension RP's this way and have the big ending in your PPV RP's. So, have stories like this in mind while also addressing who your opponents are and why you should win. Your character has potential as a heel. So revise the formatting a little, watch for typos (I always end up finding at least one when I scan my own RP's before submitting), and make sure to address why Anthony thinks he will win his match once you get scheduled for matches. He already is coming off like a jerk, so this was a good start. The Gino feud you spoke of in-character may be something to look into once you are on the shows. Let's see where you go with this character! Good luck!

 

[Prince Vee]

Alright, let's get straight to the point, you're a good story writer, indeed a good writer. You've that wittiness to be a comedic or some sort of bizarre writing skills. But you should understand something, the RP doesn't make any sense with in the context of WZCW.

How do you think he can hide out from the agents while being on TV twice a month? Something's are unacceptable. We do have bizarre characters in our fed, but they've their rationale. Theron lives in a fantasy world, Dr.Zeus has his own back story, and such every characters give some rationale.

If you could link the story of Keaton to have happened in the past, and relating that to the current events in the WZCW, then it would make sense. You're a good write so I hope you cab figure out a way to solve this Kayfabe.

 

[NSL]

Vee A.D.Z. - I love the growth that this character has shown, just since Kingdom Come wrapped. You have definitely found your niche with this character, and have hit the ground running. You used your match with Cooper effectively, turning it into a very nice piece with some backstory. I was a little worried you were going to leave out this potentially big tag match, and your partner, but you wrapped the RP up nicely with the segment at the end. Keep up the good work!

 

[Prince Vee]

This is a step down from your last two RPs but I can understand the time constraint you had mentioned in the Discussion Thread.

There's only a less to conquer for Constantine and I can understand that, you should've added more emphases on the World Title shot that you might get. You missed the partners you're about to choose for the Elimination Match as well.

The RP started off too slow and tedious but once I opened up the spoiler, it turns to be much more interesting. The Star Wars theme playing in the background while reading the RP gave me smiles. Nicely done mate! I thought, you might miss Kagura, but brilliant way to add her as an Rebel Alliance. Sweet!

This isn't a great RP of Dave albeit not a boring one either. You might get the win, I hope so too.

PS. Oh I miss that "Expect Me" catchphrase :-/

 

[Prince Vee]

Titus

So Titus is back with yet another great RP. Have I mentioned enough that Titus is my favourite character in the fed? (Mind you mate, don't get too much impudent for that, Coz I know you will ) Anyhow, ever since the heel turn, Titus looks much stronger. He's been witty and being more personal against his opponents and getting under their skin, I fancy that. I've to say, a heel doesn't need to be so much intimidating or alcoholic or maniac or egoistic (Like Veejay has mentioned, which I will get back later). Sometimes, he just need to be like Titus, the one who doesn't get under your skin but the one who keeps you under his thumb. In that perspective, Titus is brilliant. Hollywood vs Bollywood has always been an apparent battle albeit Bollywood is a crap. I did fancy the witty sad jokes Titus makes of the others and smile to himself.

I really enjoyed your RP and hope someday down the aisle we'll meet.

Veejay

This was a good piece of work, not better as Titus' albeit it was quantitative enough. It seemed like you studied and deemed Titus well enough that you brought his personal stuff before he could more damage to Veejay. But you missed a few points that I'll like to mention.

There's a lack of empathy is obvious throughout the RP. I'm not sure, but that's what missing which makes the RP a tad boring. When the young Veejay was the spectator during Titus and Everest's match, there doesn't seem be obvious justification why Veejay was reacting that way.

There's an unanswered question, for that probably Indians only can understand. Why Veejay's Mum couldn't have taken him to meet Titus? Why he couldn't go himself to meet his favorite star? I can answer that because half of my age I spent in India and the other half in England. But the others might not know, that needed some rationale. And from your last RP, I could see the relation between Veejay's parents weren't so great, maybe that could be the reason why Veejay was cornered.

It was a good solid RP, which was more personal. It needs some expressions. Fancy that! Double D once told me about Vee's RP, that I miss many good plots by not expressing how Vee feels and how he reacts to that.

Anyhow, Good job mate!

 

[Prince Vee]

Alright I still can't digest how Armando Paradyse turned into Eddie Romero. Probably I should stop thinking about that as since Logan and Brittany doesn't give a damn about it. But, it was a solid RP from you blokes. It had the tension buildup between the two female characters in respective lives of the Men of Mayhem. It seems to be interesting. We do need these sort of interesting parts.

But like I always say, I don't fancy Eddie/Armando disappears from Logan down the road. They never seem to be travelling together despite the fact that he's like a family to Logan and Brittany. Missy character is a tad messy to be honest. She doesn't sound like a Psychiatrist at all. What sort of Psychiatrist would try to sabotage the relation of her client in a Tag Team? It doesn't sound nice. Not only that, but also...

"Hey man. I think we know what we gotta do. Isolate Ramparte, so when Tastic gets in, he's essentially in there alone. I'll see you in Argentina Logan. Let's go Missy."


That statement right there reminds you that you should try to speak out your phrases before posting. Those words don't make sense at all. Teams don't plan in that way, do they? Coz I've never been in a tag team before until now. In my verdict, it's better to leave the gameplan rather than focusing more on the relationship between Logan and Armando.

 

[Prince Vee]

Alright guys, I'm going to give you two a collective feedback as you're being played as a team.

I can see why Mikey is deemed as one of the best Tag Team players in the fed. This is so far the best tag team RP I've read in the context of mutual understanding between the Mateys. Both of you blokes played your character pretty well in both the RPs so does your sense of humour. It is certainly a step up for Gino as he had been trying to choose between the alternatives of becoming either a serious or comedic hero. You certainly are good in this one.

The use of Leon is different. I don't know who's idea is that, but it's fun. If that is Gino's idea, props for you mate. You're the one who used Backstage Bob which led to his more TV time lol.

I fancied how you both didn't forget to address your opponents. It was fitting that you both wrote your RPs in 1st person. Gino's thoughts were interesting as well. Anticipation was there when Amber Warren was exposed.

Mikey skeptical about his potential in leading a team was interesting because he's an underdog. But I hope to see him again his self-esteem during the course of the next two shows.

Interesting pair, Nice RPs. Sweetly done Mateys.

 

[Prince Vee]

This was really well written RP. I didn't see any cons here. It made me feel like reading an interesting novel and I could picturize everything you wrote down. You made a string point that Theron won't turn heel.

I haven't read Ty's RP yet, but yours is more valued. I was wondering how could Theron seek the help of Phantoms of Chaos if he's on a match with Ty. But you wrote quite interesting to address that as well. You put over your opponent, a thing the top face of the company should do. You didn't forget to mention Your Nightmare Dr Zeus as well.

Interesting RP Great work Nicely written!

 

[Prince Vee]

Perhaps this is the second time I'm reading Ty's RP and I'm overwhelmed by that. Such a great writing and I could learn pretty much from. One of the reasons why I fancy giving Feedback is that I gain a lot of knowledge through the readings.

It was fitting that Ty didn't talk about the alliance with Theron in the pursuit of decementing Dr Zeus and co. Because he's hurt, his family was at stake. But brilliantly done when El Caidos talked about it.

But there is a small err in this RP. You started the narration as in 1st person but after that Fallout segment, you changed it into 3rd person. It sort of confused me and stopped the flow. Nothing more wrong though.

 

[CyberPunk]

Logan McAllister

The piece was fine for what it was. I see a face turn coming, and by the looks of it, it seems Men of Mayhem as a whole will turn face, unless other plans are in motion behind the scene.

The first part of RP is what I have a bit of problem with. I understand that the tension between Brittany and Missy could be the catalyst for the impending turn; however, the first part solely focus on their tension. It's important the tension adds to what's going between the main characters, not distract from it. The match never really got discussed apart from a passing comment on isolation of one team member, I guess.

One other minor contention I have is you calling Ramaprte Rampahte. I know it is part of your accent, but at one point you did write Ramparte and that kind of broke the continuity of that particular place in RP.

Nevertheless, solid work, man.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Vee ADZ

I'm glad you've been taking the tips that have been provided by myself and others, it's showing. This is really good and one of the best pieces you've written so far. The interaction between Vee and Sara was well done, and you threw in more science jargon. Keep doing that. I also liked you having the image of the Chinese Checkers game as an actual image in the post. I used to play that as a kid, so points not only for nostalgia but for providing a view for those who may not have played it before.

What you could have done differently.... On the flashback, probably shouldn't have had the descriptions be bolded. Even in "quote formatted" flashbacks, it's easier to read when descriptions aren't formatted. This also makes the character names stand out more to the eye of the reader. There were a couple of instances when sentences started with "But". That's always been a minor pet peeve of mine. Other than that, I can't really see anything else I would have changed.

Character development, good formatting, addressed the match, and a cool image of a great old board game. Good stuff. I liked M's RP also. I would have voted for you guys.

 

[Prince Vee]

Batti Otaku is a great NPC. I really am fascinated by the way you use it. She makes the big difference when it comes to the serious, sort-of-psychotic Ramparte. She adds the necessary fun part that need to be in the RP. Every time when her Master Ram-Son got something serious to say, she does have something silly to counter with as well. And sometimes it even looks like she's giving him directions to not take every context seriously, but that happens sporadically.

I should talk about the Poem and the Foolish Pride that it defines. It's always nice to add something that isn't customary with the fed and in that context, the Poem was really nice.

The thing which amuzed me is Dr.Zeus! I don't know how he had became a cult leader in the recent time but I reckon he is going to plaugarize the WZCW with his darkness. Great work right there, Dr.Zeus providing the essential salvation and advises for Ramparte to take on Matt Tastic! Good RP!