RP Feedback Thread

[Hyorinmaru]

Vee A.D.Z.
Here's the feedback I promised you.

The first thing I want to mention are the grammatical errors. There wasn't more than a couple but they did make me do a double take which messes the flow of the R.P. up (for me anyway).

Another thing that I was a bit confused by was Mikey's place in your R.P. I'll go back an reread it but it didn't make much sense and didn't really need to be there. I personally would have loved it if you had used M himself and gone into the confusion of being partners in the Co Main Event of Apocalypse and now you're opponents in the Tournament.

What I did enjoy was the other I'm gonna call them personalities for lack of a better word. I liked how you used them and I hope we learn more about them in the future.

All in all a good R.P. that I'm gonna give a 7.5/10

 

[Prince Vee]

S.H.I.T.

So Miko sort of lost the plot a few weeks back about how to write RPs, which seems to be a complete fallacy as this RP is quite so good. It was amusing to see him in the future wasteland! That too said exactly after he was apparently being controlled by a human which describes a strong point that the Mandroid can never be controlled even if it seems to be chained for a brief period at present. Good job mate, but my only concern is you never addressed anything about Noah Ryder. You had a backstage segment with him a few weeks back and ignoring that off completely is not a nice move. Solid RP though.

Noah Ryder

The story was well written so was the interview with Leon in both part of the RPs but two things concerned me, for which I know the time constraint is the major reason.

The first thing is, the dialogues. Sometimes, it is essential that the words should speak. I didn't see much of it in this RP. Secondly, the formatting which I know the deadline is the reason, as our new rules states that no soft deadline extension will be provided after the extension.

Props for addressing your match, reason for the loss in a way and story development. I am so excited to see the whole story why Leonard's girlfriend left him!! Good story mate.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Ramparte

There's only 1 thing I didn't like and that's the fact you almost gave me a heart attack when Ramparte fired Batti. I literally breathed a huge sigh of relief when Alice told him not to.


Now for everything I did like. First off Batti is my favorite character NPC or not in WZCW. I look forward to your RPs every single round to see what she's gonna do next. I enjoy the way you write the dialogue between Ram & Batti. They are polar opposites but the way you write them together works in ways no one else would be able to capture.

Now on to Alice. I don't know much other than what you put in the NPC thread and this is my first time coming across her but I like her (I'm using the female pronouns based on the name). I hope you use her more and delve into Ramparte's Psychosis that has him talking to his cane.

All in all I'm giving it a 9/10. Next time don't almost kill me.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Tony Mancini

I thought this was a great way to introduce Tony to the big leagues. Having the agent there made his debut all the more intriguing and I am anxious to get more from the Italian character now that there is a veil of mystery to him.

With that said, you may have held back too much. He nodded and said "sir' a lot, which isn't by any means bad, but I don't know what kind of character he is. I only know what the agent thinks of him so I take him on his word. Maybe have Tony do some not-so-innocent stuff in your next RPs will definitely put him on the radar for THE guy to look out for.

I apologize for not reading much into Tony from the Random RPs. In all honesty I rarely read from there so I don't know what is with him and I can only go by show RPs. To me Random RPs aren't exactly canon work unless it was by some surprise superstar for a PPV.

This was a good debut RP. I'm interested on where you're going with him, and I feel you have a lot of elbow room to try out fun things with a mafia-like wrestler. I expect him to do well.

 

[NSL]

Tony Mancini

With that said, you may have held back too much. He nodded and said "sir' a lot, which isn't by any means bad, but I don't know what kind of character he is. I only know what the agent thinks of him so I take him on his word. Maybe have Tony do some not-so-innocent stuff in your next RPs will definitely put him on the radar for THE guy to look out for.

I'm going to piggyback off this, and only because Mancini is "new".

I get the angle you were going for, of Tony playing nice because the detective was there, and he's trying to hide his reputation, but maybe adding a second part to the end of the RP, where it's just him and Gino, and he shows his true colors and curses everyone...That would have gotten across the point you were going for, I think.

It wasn't a bad RP, but felt out of character. Could have been better with just some minor adjustments.

Even adding an "asshole" under his breath after a "Yes, sir" and then him brushing it off...That would have helped.

 

[Prince Vee]

Ty Burna

The RP started a little weird which made Theron look so weak infront of Ty Burna and El Caidos. But then it took turn where the reason is justified that Theron is indeed weak mentally after his match against Dr. Zeus and the Phantoms are trying to help him. It was brilliantly written, momentarily I thought Theron would become evil but nah he indeed is the John Cena of WZCW. I didn't find any flaws in there, it was smooth and you gave emphasis on each and every character in the RP. Nice one.

El Caidos Dragon

So now Ty is writing two RP and going to be featured in 3 RP but this one took a complete different path which I enjoyed. I also fancied the thing that the mystery of the imposer isn't solved yet. That keeps me fascinated to read your next RP. El Califa, being an angel at heart doesn't fancy the turn he took to face the challenges against Trinity. But at the same time, he couldn't control that either. I loved the entire story.

There is a flaw in formatting section. You used Spanish as the main language for El Califa and Katianna but in one dialogue, English was used as the main language and Spanish was inside the parenthesis, which isn't really a big flaw yet it stopped the flow slightly.

Another err is when the girl called Omar as El Califa. I don't know If I'm wrong or she already sorted out that Omar is indeed El Califa. Confusing parts. Other than that, it is a well written RP and a cool storyline.

 

[Prince Vee]

I love the way how you emphasis on each and every character that you uses in the RP. No one seems to be lesser impact than the other. I also liked the minute things you've mentioned, such as Pink bag of holding, the maid walks across them whilst Theron's girlfriend is searching for that potion. It was really cool how you describe every minute things into your RP. Learning lessons for me indeed. Another brilliant RP like it used to be.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Logan McAlister

I'm not sure if MoM was your entire run so far in WZCW but I know they were heel so in all honesty I came into this with lower than normal expectations and for that I apologize. I enjoyed the RP from start to finish. The beginning with Logan & Britney made me feel for them both and what happened at Apocalypse. The middle part with Logan and his son definitely made me feel some feels. You've accomplished something that no on really has done and got me behind their character like I was watching it on TV.

What I didn't like is more of a pet peeve than anything wrong with the RP and that's the Boston accent you tried to give them by adding 'ah' at the end of a few words. The grammar nazi inside kept screaming at me and I had to keep telling him to STFU.

All in all I'd give it an 8.5/10 because we all know NYC is better than Boston




John Doe

Another RP that I enjoyed. I don't hide the fact you're high up on my list of favorite RPers in the entire fed.

Some things I enjoyed. You used Klamor perfectly in this RP. Not to many people use him anymore and I think that's because they aren't really sure how. Reading this RP will give them an idea how to do that. I love the way you played of losing the Tag Titles at Apocalypse and in doing that got me interested in the bigger plans The Trinity has in store. People would expect Doe as one of the best in WZCW to be in the Gold Rush Tournament right? You gave us a completely plausible and believable reason why he's not.

One thing I didn't like. The fact that you did a rather standard interview. What I love about your RPs is your ability to tell a fantastic story round after round and while you hit every point that needed to be hit (Apocalypse, Opponent and Gold Rush) the story telling I've come to love was really lacking this time. A great RP just not up to the standard I've come to expect.



I won't rate your RP as we're opponents this round but I will say this match can go either way and whichever of us wins will have earned it. Good Luck.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

ElegANT -


I like the character of the Gentleman Ant ElegANT. I like ElegANT's interactions with his butler Ant and his mood after losing his last two matches with The Beard at his side. The focus of the RP was on ElegANT with no Beard mentioned, is this the end of the tag team? Is ElegANT marching out of the tag division and going on his own? Only time will tell. The ANT-word play on the names was funny, but Jeff the ant shouldn't be dead. I think that butler ant better second check that status of the Jeff ant.

Now that the big MilitANT is in the picture we could see a new, tougher ElegANT! You could use work on those air guitar skills too man, at least tune it next time!

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Here's Justin Cooper's RP feedback for winning the prediction contest last round and because he's in an official tag team his partner gets feedback as well. Both free of charge.


Justin Cooper
Not much wrong in your RP that I saw. I enjoyed the setting which is the first time I've ever been interested in the Grammys. Now I don't know much about Cooper's history but I could feel the frustration at the perceived lack of respect and the fact he hijacked the show and had to be pulled away by security. The end with Mark Keaton was done perfect. I've always noticed when someone uses another handlers' character because there is a subtle difference, I didn't get that this time so props for that.

I'd give your RP a 9/10. Very Solid work




'Remarkable' Mark Keaton
I enjoyed reading the end of your match from Keaton's PoV. I don't think I've ever seen it done like that so well done.

I enjoyed the news segment and the horrible lag with Cooper made me chuckle.

There are a couple things I didn't like. Hitting your finisher on someone on live television. I've never been a fan of people doing that in RPs. And while the swearing wasn't overly excessive it still pulled me from the story.

Not a bad RP by any means just a few things that I didn't like.

I'd give your RP a 6.5/10.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Eve Taylor -


Excellent writing, there's a reason you win constantly and I imagine it's because of RP's like this. As John Doe's RP was darker and also (EXCELLENT) I just finished reading yours as well and it's just as excellent if not more, in a different way. Eve seems desperate and vicious in her match to get it done and find that belt, the RP tells a side that's more along the lines of unhealthy obsession with the title. There's a hundred little things I love about it....Examples...although small..

Spoiler

Eve needed to break up the dialogue for a bit and try to get some thoughts running through her head so she didn't blow her load on who she thought stole the title, being coherent as humanly possible. She had to ease into the reveal slowly and make sure to present her arguments clearly so she could convince someone like Selena who made damn sure to let you know if you were wrong in that stupid attitude of hers. All Eve had to do was be gentle and easy.

"It was Abel Hunnicutt."

Yep. Gentle and easy. :

And another example.....

Spoiler

Eve didn't know how long she had sat in her chair inside the coffee shop but she definitely saw that every customer and employee had a new face.

That was just one line, but really...who would think of that in word form? That's stuff you find in pro novels.... one more small example....

Spoiler

Honestly, Eve didn't care about most of that stuff. Selena was good at her job and she deserves a promotion, good for her... but there were more pressing matters to attend.

"Sounds awesome but Selena..." Eve responded, quickly changing the subject, "... what do you mean catch up with Miss Hardwood? You two are friends?"

"Practically! How can we not be? She's a nice lady and good at her job, too."

"I'm sure she is..." Eve muttered under her breath before continuing with her questioning. "So, does she have any developments about who stole Sens- uh, the Elite Openweight championship from me?"

I don't even know why I liked that part, I just did. The whole RP was excellent.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

-M -



Reading an -M- RP is much like reading a Mark Keaton RP, you really can't take it too seriously as it can get kind of insane. That's why I love M. I laughed at the craziness of this RP and it's my favorite M RP I've read since I signed up for WZCW. This is the fight back that could bring M to victory. But he's facing VEE again so it's another tight race ( VEE's RP was also great.)

Now to go over the RP....

Some crazy stuff....

Spoiler

But seriously M, what can you get at Subway with 12 store credits? What is this Star Wars? Lol! The whole Subway part of the story was zany and made me chuckle.

Then some more crazy stuff....

Spoiler

Booker No.1: And now our last match up! Guys how cute are M and Vee A.D.Z. together??

Bookers 2-7: They are pretty freaking cute!

The whole Booking part was awesome! Very funny indeed.

Rewind to the first crazy part.....

Spoiler

Koala: Oi I'm down here ya shitcunt!

The cafe that M had chosen for the meeting did not happen to have high chairs for the vertically impaired, meaning the friendly Koala had to climb up the side of the chair opposite the sitting maniac and take his place on the table itself while an awkward stare followed his every move...

M: You better have the stuff or you'll be more than just a marsupial...

Gleams came from the teeth of M's cuddly wuddly friend as he reached into a pouch and pulled out a zip lock baggie containing 17 Polaroids of windmills and a screwdriver.

M: Ohhhhhhh baby....

--------------------------------------

I honestly really didn't fully understand the whole koala parts...it's a real koala or is it imaginary in M's brain? I was scratching my head as to why a koala? Does M have a team of koalas or is there a community of koala's that live down the block from the restaurant over the base, that's over another diner?

Mostly a magnificent mastery of marveled movements of mayhem and madness M.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Theron Daggershield. (Bare with me, I'm doing this feedback on a tablet that I'm not quite used to, so please don't spoil the RP by reading this review first)

Having a passion for Final Fantasy R.P.G games I really like reading your RPs. Reading it is like watching a scene from FF play out. We get a new character named Mark Flight,

I'm not sure why or if you noticed but...Mark Flight's first and last name are used nearly every time. When Theron says it at first, it seems odd in open speech that he says his first and last name...(Even though I do it myself at work, but that's just to be annoying). Anyway, I'm sure there's a reason for it that I missed.

That's only the tiniest of hiccups that I noticed and it did not distract from the RP and the story you are telling. I liked the selection of music for Mark's house. A great RP.

 

[Jeff Deliverer of Mail]

Garth Black . (Don't read this feedback if you haven't read the RP yet, spoiler alert. )


Poetically dark RP that really resonates with the character and history he's had in WZCW. He spends a chunk of the RP combing through his hair and teasing that he's going to cut it with scissors while staring into a mirror at himself. His story and thoughts play to his actions as he vows a change, while changing his outward appearance in front of the mirror. (It's genius, I can't think on that level, I swear.)

The whole RP is a masterpiece, I kid you not. IMO the best RP so far this round, no offence to everyone else. He really drives home his contempt for his opponent like a real wrestler should. Most RPs rarely focus so much time on the heat their character has on their opponent. Now I'm curious to see how this match ends up.

I wish you pulled out this kind of RP in our six man tag, we probably would've won with it.

 

[Prince Vee]

Live Mas

So Mickey got two girls on one night? That should give you a win mate, I would be buggered else.

Alright, let’s get back to business. I’m not a humouros person you’ll ever see; neither do I enjoy the jokes of M nor Mark Keaton (No offense blokes) But rather do I enjoy Mikey’s. It’s only a quite a few in our fed that makes me smile while reading the RPs, for instance, you, Killjoy and Lee. That makes me love your RPs more. It’s quite amazing to see how you brought up the name of Titus into a conversation with a date. Addressing opponents in a rather different way than the others make this RP really fancy to read. I really enjoyed this RP and if I were to vote, Live Mas.

Spoiler

PS. I do have one question though. Did Mikey had anal with Tinder girl?

Matt Tastic is always cool as ever. I really enjoyed both the RPs. I can understand why Matt trying to be a role-model figure for Mikey, as Mikey lacks self-esteem. It was evident from his RP as well. Grandpa Tastic has always been a great NPC. But sometimes his conversations with Matt looks like a monologue as Matt handles most of the speaking. He was a nice add to the store nonetheless. I have one con to address to Live Mas though. Even though Mikey described the scenes in first person and Matt did in Third person Script, it still seemed like a tad repetitive. Except the testicle wart joke, that was funny.

Nothing more to say than, Live Mas.

 

[Prince Vee]

Veejay

This is one of the best RPs I have ever read of Veejay, more essentially it is the best RP for Veejay as a face. You solidified the relationship with Saffron in this RP through the flashback. In the past RPs it seemed like we weren’t sure what made Veejay to be more passionate with Saffron. Last RP seemed to be dramatic and it looked more like you were desperate that you used some sentiments in the RP. But this made sense after all. Brilliant work mate.

It is always good to see someone to talk with, it was Mikey and Vee for you. They both did their parts quite well. Even though it was random that you chose Vee and Mikey but it paid off well. You justified so strongly the reason why you need to win, it might can give you the win. It’s time for Veejay to step up. Good luck mate.

Logan McAllistar

A solid RP, but I have to say a few comments on that. First thing is, I understood why Lee dislike the romantic parts in Vee’s RP when I read yours. Brittany laying on Logan’s lap and talks about the Chair shot he missed? It was slightly off the course mate. It ouccured again when they embraced a kiss right after she told Logan about his next opponent Veejay. I really am waiting for the moment when Logan would propose to Brittany, there was the anticipation, but keep it down a tad at the moment while discussing the match. The brief convo between Logan and Hayden was good, I really fancy that part.

Second thing is, it seemed like Logan’s compass is much on Titus and his Eurasian title rather than the Goldrush itself. I don’t know the creative plans, but if Logan’s feud is going to be up against Titus, this RP is quite good.

 

[CyberPunk]

As promised, feedback for the one who gives me feedback:

Vee A.D.Z.

I have to be honest; I haven't followed much of the story arc of yours, but this particular RP revolved around use of Coast to Coast. It seemed like you're trying to set something up for future; however, it wasn't clear just yet. The exchange with Vee's girlfriend as well as the whole talk with alter-egos (or images) revolved around that particular move. There wasn't much in terms of the upcoming Meltdown match (apart from a fleeting mention), but it seems like this RP was to set up some kind of a back story into the use (or non-use) of that particular move.

Good job. I am willing to see where it goes. The upcoming match could've been highlighted a bit more, but if it's setting something up for the rest of Gold Rush (and for the upcoming cycle, especially Vee's willingness to do anything to get ahead), it's an interestingly good thing.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

FunKay

First off I have to say that the dialogue between Holmes and Constantine was classic. You guys being old allies, I fully expected it, but it was like you never missed a beat. Great stuff on that front. The snake bit in Dave's RP was weird, but I have to admit it gave me a chuckle when reading both RPs. Abel's dialogue was interesting. I feel like he is slowly gaining his own voice. Overall I really enjoyed this RP, it was a literal blast from the past with Holmes and Constantine, with enough Abel sprinkled in to make it interesting. I don't think an RP of this variety would work against every opponent, but against Keaton it was ace.

Lee

I don't think I have ever given feedback for someone I RPed against, but I think I can manage. Obviously I didn't vote on this match, but I really enjoyed your RP. I enjoy how you have been using the show locations in your RPs. We take the time to make the touring schedule, its nice to see people using that to their advantage. I also enjoy how you have been using real life news outlets for Titus to appear on, and while this week only mentioned TMZ, it was still nice to see you keep in line with what you have been doing. I think above all, my favorite part of the Titus heel turn is how well you run down your opponents. You hit big points on Mikey and his career. Made me a sad panda. A shame that Haiku couldn't match your effort, because this was a very good RP.

K Web

I'll be honest, I have seen better RPs from you. Not to say this RP was bad, you actually cut a pretty good promo, but I wonder if the computer issues you had played into this RP. I did enjoy the bit with the chair from the last show, it was a good reflection on the change that Logan is going through. I like that you are setting up a big RP down the road with Logan and Brittany getting married, but don't let that simmer too long. I think the length hurt this RP the most. Had you fleshed it out more I think it would have been better. Like I said, it wasn't bad, but the skip from Logan's house to the parking lot of Rogers Arena was very sudden.

Ech

So this RP I was very mixed on. It did do a good job of advancing the heel Kagura, and I appreciate that you managed to touch on both your opponent and the Gold Rush Tournament at large. That said, I wasn't really feeling a lot of the dialogue. I appreciate that you used more dialogue than normal in this RP, as you sometimes write long blocks of descriptive text, and it can get to be hard to read. This piece I feel was a set up for something bigger, and I look forward to that, as you have the ability to win the Gold Rush Tournament. With that in mind, I think maybe you focused too much on what was to come and not enough on what was at hand in this RP. It went down as a draw for a reason, as the two RPs were very close. Hopefully next round we see some more fire since it will be a Gold Rush match.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Tony Mancini

Ok, so I see a lot of good in this RP but I also saw some negatives and the biggest negative may cost you the round. I will address the bad first.

I see a typo early on. "gloved" probably should have been "gloves". Not a big deal, but it's there, and instead of posting an RP this early it may be better to scan it for typos first or PM someone to take a look. If you did have a proofreader, then disregard that suggestion, although it would also mean your proofreader missed that same typo.

The name "Sally Boy" may not have been the best name idea, when there is also an "Uncle Sal" in that same scene. I got Sally Boy and Uncle Sal mixed up briefly. Without spoiling what happened to anyone who hasn't read the RP yet, it made me a little uncomfortable to read the full scene of what Don Angelo did to Sally Boy. Keep in mind that younger viewers may read this section. Others (Infinity, I believe) have written things like that in the past, and yes things like that do happen in the real world, however this was perhaps a little too controversial for fed writing. The worst part however is that the scene didn't feel necessary. Had your RP begun with the Stacy interview, I think it would have been a lot stronger. That may just be me though. If the flashback needed to be in there then I would have cut to Tony going up the stairs after the brass knuckles part, removing the part that takes place right before Tony runs up the stairs. I also would have added something more to tie the flashback in to the match with Veejay somehow.

Tony's line where he speaks of Titus and Eve was a little confusing, it makes it sound like you called Titus a soon-to-be Eurasian Champion, when he already holds the belt. I would have put it as "A former WZCW World Champion as well as the current Eurasian Champion in Titus, and the current Elite Openweight Champion in Eve.". That may have been another typo, which with a little more proofreading could have been caught if that was the case.

Alright, on a positive note, the interview was the best part of the RP. I think you did an excellent job with portraying Tony trying to charm Stacey and the part where he spoke in defense of his family. You also addressed Veejay's past struggles in other big matches, so this part was very strong. You did say you were doing something you've never done before with this RP. I applaud you for being willing to take such a risk. Just know that this same risk may have cost you the match. If Creative had said they were ok with you including the entirety of the flashback, then that was their decision to make. It truly made me uncomfortable though and the same may end up holding true for others who read it, so take that with a grain of salt, but I know I would want you to be honest with me if something I wrote was difficult for you to read if the roles were reversed here. Still, it took guts to submit something like that. It made me hate Tony's father. If that was your goal, you accomplished that.

Despite some typos and the content of the flashback, it's a good effort and I wish you luck in your match!

 

[Hyorinmaru]

M
A day later than I said but here's that feedback

I usually try to get the negatives out of the way but I didn't see any.

I thoroughly enjoyed this RP. The letter to Hayden was very well written and believable. The 2nd half read like a National Geographic special and tied both sections together perfectly. You hit all the points I personally like to see in an RP.

If Diabolos RPs it's anyone's match to win. I haven't seen Red Skull in a few weeks so I don't know.

 

[M]

Milenkyboy.

Alrighty. What's the phrase for when there's an elephant in the room that people are actually acknowledging? Whatever it is, I'm touching that last because I sense that's what you really want out of this feedback.

Dialogue wise, it's alright. The way you can improve it is to add little efforts in that imply emotion - if it's a sad sentence it should be structured differently to a comedic one in a way that makes the reader subconsciously create their speech pattern. What the characters actually say makes perfect sense but there's a slight robotic feel with some of the longer sentences. Read back the RP in the voice of the characters during the drafting stages and you'll end up adding it in.

The description - again, it's missing something. In that first section there's a lot of telling rather than showing, but the main thing I have with the description is that it adds very little in this RP - you described the actions that take place, but didn't use it to further anything. Read one of the top dramatic guys here's RPs, their characters could be the most robotic guys on the planet but their descriptions will always convey how they're feeling.

Now, that first section again. I get what you were going for, and I don't think it was too over the top at all to be perfectly honest. I do, however, think you really could have done so much better with it. The description tells the reader that this is the moment that changed Tony's life forever, but he doesn't exactly react to the actual scene in front of him. Something, anything to make it actually come across as "holy shit this ten year old watched his dad murder a dude on his birthday!" Was necessary to make the RP what I think you wanted it to be. Even a corny as hell line about Tony's eyes widening, something about him wanting to stop it but being frozen in shock, wanting to look away but not being able to... I know you mention a trance at the very end of that part but it was too late.

Excellent RP idea, average execution. The result will strongly depend on whether Veejay's RP beats the positives from your second half.

 

[Prince Vee]

Alright, I got an hour left to catch up with NXT, I will give a feedback in that gap. I’m going to point out the parts which I fancied and which I didn’t. The good thing about this RP is that there aren’t much flaws. I really admire your positive approach in this one. It is peculiar that you didn’t rant or rage out after your humiliating defeat at the hands of Garth Black.

If you had read Matt Tastic’s RP, he had asked Leon a question. What will Vee do if he loses? Seriously to answer that, I don’t know. But after reading your RP I could possibly deduce what I should do. You didn’t forget to mention your lose in the recent past; your consequent defeats and yet Theron looked unmoved. Theron still believes he can turn this around after all these bad lucks. Theron is a fantasy character, so I believe using “Bad Luck” as the reason for his loses was a satiable justification.

I also fancied the comic con type of stuff you used. It is hard to address someone in a Triple Threat match, but it looked fine. Both Abel Hunnicutt and Logan McCallistar Cosplays justified their points why they will win. Theron himself had justified why he will. The part which I enjoyed the most is Logan’s accent. It was fun to read when someone else uses it!

Now it’s time to discuss about the negative(s). It probably is two things that bothered me. Theron’s girlfriend Kirlah seemed to be grumpier than usual which was uncharacteristic. She has her reasons to be grumpy as no one is caring much about her magic “thingy” but it still felt tad odd. And the opening scene itself looked longer than it used to. It makes a bit of boring start to a fun RP. But everything else was just fine. The thing I liked the most is, Theron’s positive approach and attitude towards his future. Nicely done.

 

[Prince Vee]

M

This is one of the best RPs I've read from you. A fresh idea to begin with. I reckon there had been letters in the RP but this one was different. A letter to the son of a fellow fed member is something different. I hardly saw any flaws in your RP. The best part of it was, you compared yourself to Logan in the perspective that you both had lost your Gold Rush matches but still have a lot to achieve ahead. It seemed like you wrote a RP for two which makes it looks stronger than it actually should be. Shame that Diabolus did a no show. Else this match would've been so interesting!

Veejay

You're on a roll it seems. Honestly speaking, I'm not a fan of Sentimental stuffs, but you're drawing a neat line with it by good screenplay which keeps me fascinated. Like I've already mentioned, it is more like watching a Bollywood movie nonetheless it is something fresh for the fed. The reason why it didn't bore me is because, you're framing a good story throughout the gold rush.

Anyhow, I find a huge flaw (at least in my eyes). In the opening scene, it was only Veejay who talked and Saffron didn't say a lot but kept asking one line questions and saying stuffs like "I'm sorry to hear that Veejay" If you want to make a scene, don't make it looks much like a monologue, give them both equal importance. Similar thing happened in the second scene where Dilip handled all the talks and Veejay seemed to be a mere spectator. The dialogues like "I don't know what to say" seemed to be necessary. Even if you had skipped that line and pictured the emotions of Veejay, I would've bought it.

Still it is a good piece. Good work, mate!

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Dagger

Yet another example of why you're one of my favorite RPers in the fed and a former World Champion.


I thoroughly enjoyed your RP from start to finish. I loved the beginning with everyone poking fun at Kirlah and what she's got going on. To piggyback on something Vee said in that her grumpiness seemed out of character I would be annoyed and grumpy to if people were making fun of something I thought was important.

Now on to the Con. This was my favorite part. While I was a bit confused as to why people would be Cosplaying Logan & Abel at a ComiCon type deal you made it work. I particularly like how you gave the 2 Cosplayers a bit of the character of the men they were dressed up as.


All in all another one hit out of the park. Between you & Funkay it's an even match.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Vee ADZ

I'll start with a couple of typo's I found. On the line "that too with her dear Boyfriend Vee" here you should not have capitalized the word "boyfriend". You did it a second time during the description before Vee goes to take a shower. I'm not a fan of nudity in RP's even as a description of someone taking a shower. That is just a personal preference of mine. I know it is a daily activity for people in real life, but I think it would have been better if Vee was already done with the shower, with having already put a pair of pants or something back on when the scene plays out as written. He could still think back on how relaxing the water felt, while Vimal and Vee Alias still show up to speak internally. I dunno, just a suggestion. You still did a good job describing the scene.

I didn't catch any other major typo's. Was the League of Nations comment you poking fun at the WWE? I feel like there was a joke of some sorts in that piece of dialogue about the Cricket team's nationality that I missed. I'm not very familiar with Cricket and I imagine neither are many of the other members of the fed, as I have stated before, anything that makes you stand out that isn't also controversial in content, is generally going to be a good thing. The flashback of Vee meeting Sara was good for their character development although I would have wanted to see that relate to the match more somehow.

The drawing of Tastic is awesome. This is absolutely something you should do again. You could switch it up next time if you do not want to have Sara walk in on Vee drawing again. He could be by himself then get into a mental conversation with Vee Alias and Vimal while drawing. Or another NPC could view the drawing with Vee. Your drawings are cool. Utilize this. I got encouraged to do more NES pixel images when I was new, as it was something no one else was doing and it fit my character, for example.

Overall, I liked the RP. I did think Tastic's was a little better, but it was one of the closest picks of the round for me and I genuinely had to read both RP's twice in order for me to pick one. Your formatting is great, your storytelling is improving, and you have a shot at advancing. If you win this round, keep going. Try to win the whole tournament no matter who your opponent is, and take it one match at a time. If you don't win, you may still end up a threat toward one of the midcard champions soon as long as you continue to improve. Hope that helped and good luck!