RP Feedback Thread

[JamJam]

Jason Armstrong
First of all, congrats on getting a shot at the Mayhem Title. All three of you in the match are good RP'ers so this'll be fun. Now onto your RP, I'm really liking this character of yours because it can go a lot of ways especially with the family being involved. It was a nice touch that Armstrong didn't get to answer that call. You did well making yourself the underdog here. However, I wonder if you can keep this up. Because soon, you're gonna have to RP about how the divorce even took place. Even if it was a pretty long RP, everything that you wrote was needed, so goodjob there. Overall, really good RP, you continue to do good, and good luck!

Joseph Greaves
Congrats to you too for getting a shot at the Mayhem Title. You and Bearded put up some really well-written RP's so Best is gonna have a hard time with this one. You do a really good job of putting over Australia over America, which makes your character pretty much hated by a lot of people. I kinda wished that you would've filled us in as to who was on the phone with Greaves though. Maybe in a later RP? And also a little more dirt on Marquel, you had more things to say about Armstrong than the champion. But overall, good RP as well. Good formatting, good punctuation, grammar, really well-written as I've already said before.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Milenko

I enjoyed the RP to a point. It had some good talking between the Jacks but that's about it. You mentioned KC and how you want to be on the card which should earn some brownie points. I'm digging this character of your's but I want you to really do something different with him. The Jacks do have chemistry between them and I love the tag team. Another thing I did not lilke was the color. I was getting confused at times and had to go back and read it to tell who was talking. Overall, it was a decent RP. Not the best but I think you and Skinner deserve to be at KC.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Milenko / Hunter Jackson
- Commas are your friend. I felt physical pain in the first section of dialogue; I had to type this to take a break.
- Are there even 5 tag teams in WZCW? I know there aren’t 10.
- The content is fine, but you have to do something about the grammar. For example:

Hunter Jackson: Now ignoring that we aren't getting a title shot this week what we are doing is facing BLT. They may have started out as enhancement talent and even lost their first match to Strikeforce but it's them going to Kingdom Come not us. We can not take them lightly or we will lose to them for a second week in a row. We should be proud to face such worthy opponents again and standing across the ring from them free of anger is the most important thing we can do, win or lose.

In that paragraph, there are at least seven missing commas, a long sentence that isn’t a run-on but should be split up, a run-on and a misspelling. I got just about nothing out of this RP because it was difficult to read. This isn’t a difficult thing to fix. All you need to do is go back through and put in a comma anywhere you would naturally pause if you were speaking. Do that, and you’ll be getting somewhere.

BK201 / Triple X
- I use the purple font as well. One thing to remember, however, is that it can be difficult to make out from the black when they are in the same line. I would suggest using italics, bold, or just not having them in the same line of text.
- You seem to have a great grasp of your character. I have never read one of your RPs before, but I feel as though I got a very good idea of who Triple X is and what he’s about.
- A couple editing errors, but nothing major.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

H: Here's your live feedback:

-Arguing for a title shot by saying you are in the top 5 tag teams in the fed makes you sound completely lacking in credibility. Be cocky, confident, or in humility...brush it off.

-Once again, in the meditation piece...if that's what your character does...have him be confident. Don't say "this might be weird." I was on this cool feeling streak of "damn, these guys could be an awesome black/white kind of tag team like Rock/Sock and HeadCheese, but the lack of confidence killed my buzz. If your guy is into meditation and whatnot...let him be fully into it.

-This has a lot of potential in terms of the team in general. But remember to grab the audience's attention. Everyone can be all like "fuck yeah we are the best tag team and we NEED to be in the tag title match." Tell me a story. If you guys had some more extravagant credentials, then I feel like the "hey we got snubbed bit would be more well received." Get yourselves over. Stand out. I liked how I was able to see into your characters like I described above.

-The ending seemed a little open-ended for my liking, but I'll see what you do in the second RP. Until then, consider adopting a more narrative approach.

-I can't stress this enough. LENGTH WAS PERFECT. There is nothing worse than a really fucking long RP. I remember when Numbers first started and he was the king of describing every single detail to the setting. It's not necessary. Way to be brief and only describe what was necessary to deliver your message.

Will do the next one later. I'm a little harsh I think, but I think it will help you.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Jason Armstrong- I’ll be honest here I quite didn’t like the transition in the beginning. You could have try something else foe that part. Good job with the knee-injuring thing, but try to shorting a bit more. Be careful with coloring cause you didn’t put Chelsea was the purple. Bringing the family is a good plus. Good way to describe Marquel but Greaves wasn’t that good. I feel you could have said how big this match means in your early career a little more.​

Grade: 8.5/10​

Joseph Greaves- A continuation from your last RP. I didn’t get the beginning, but we’ll see about that later on. Good description of both of your opponents, especially Marquel. I like how you insult USA and how much better Australia is.​

Grade: 8.7/10​

Stevenson Marquel- I love how you start your RPs with those song lyrics including this one with Tupac, since his hologram performance. I see you do your homework with these singers. Loving the mention of Tupac’s performance. Keeping up with Ace is good cause he is in your tail. Knowing your history of the Mayhem title is great. Nice way of describing your opponents and like the RP man. As always, good RP my friend.​

Grade: 9.3/10​

Daniel Dela Cruz- I like how you are trying something different with the coloring stuff, but I prefer description in black and dialogue in color. Great flashback to Cruz’s past life. Even though you knew Talon wasn’t posting it would have been great to give more detail of him. Also, I feel you just missed something in that RP to stand out.

Celeste Crimson- Really there isn’t anything to complain about here. Only thing might be is wording, but it isn’t that big of a problem.

Stevenson Kurtesy- There is a reason why you are the World Champion. I would have loved if you had use Celeste more than just the ending.

Ty “ The Boss” Burna- Everything here just seemed to flow great. I like the ending part on how Ty seems to have everything at the moment just not the World Title.

Chris K.O.- Good way to say how much Chris went up with Ty after the win. I really don’t a single complaint here for you.

Justin Cooper – First thing I noticed was that you are trying something new in order to stop this losing streak. I like the silence and it can open up some windows for future RPs. I don’t like Cooper calling Leon, Mr. Kensworth. I feel you are also going on some type of face thing with the line of “ I respect the business”. The shot at KC line was a tad too much.

Triple X- Be careful with wording. I like how you do have a good a grasp on your character. I don’t think you needed the two different day thing, but it still worked. Nothing really major that I had a problem (execpt than the 2 day thing.)

Phoenix- I like how you tell the story of everything that has happened since your return. Also, how you had those tremendous matches with Drake.

I didn’t like how you didn’t put the emotion on how Phoenix was feeling at the moment. I feel like that was your biggest mistake at the time.

Overall- I liked it, but also thought you could have done a much better job.

Even though this next person didn’t want FB, here it is:

Spoiler

Drake- I like how you are using the personal trainer, Joe. Trying to bring out the intensity from Drake.

Spoiler

What I felt was your weakest in the RP: Dialogue Coloring.

You could at first just had put a description of the place and then highlight both Joe’s and Drake’s names. That way people knew who the talker was at the time.

Overall- I liked the flow and energy that Drake brings at every RP.

 

[BK Styles]

Thriller (Phoenix)

First of all, many thanks for the feedback you gave to me.

I love the opening. Not sure why, but I imagined it as if I was actually watching it on a TV screen. Nice little intro that gives us Phoenix's current state of mind, and makes for a cool mental visual. Using the itallics to separate it from the 'main' scene looked good, and gave a clear transition into the focus of the RP.

One thing I really like is how Phoenix gets straight to the point. The level of disappointment he feels about his return presently; I like how it's all addressed bluntly. It really feels, when reading it, that Phoenix is possibly regretting returning maybe? He at least knows in himself that he is better than where he is at present time, and is looking for a way to make it right. Very focused, easy to read, and there was something refreshing about Phoenix admitting to his present failures.

If there was any criticism I could make, it just felt like it was missing something. It had the intensity, it had a focused point it revolved around, and yet...I dunno. It's a good RP, but it felt I was missing a peice of the puzzle to make it a great RP.

Unlucky with the result. Nothing to do with anything in your RP, Scumms was pretty damn good too, and from my view point, could have gone either way.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Jam

I enjoyed the back story and actually want to know more about it. I Also liked how it was an easy read. You covered you're opponent but I actually didn't like what you had to say about him. Backstage interviews are good but you should explore some boundries with it and actually mold your gimmick with your character. That's so important right now in the early stages.

Overall it was a good read and I'm looking forward to see more of you.

Super Dynomite!
I like the tension between you and Bull during the RP. I sense something cooking on the line of you don't trust him. I didn't like all the small sentences. Just seems rushed to me. I don't like the font color that Maria has, It kills my eyes for some reason. I want you to expand a bit too. Instead of having Bull come over and talk about drinks, talk about strategies. Another thing I didn't like was you had West talking, then type another paragraph with him talking, then a line with Bull talking, and then another one liner for Bull. I get where you were going and to pause with the Paragraphs but two sentences are not two paragraphs.

Pancake!!!

Dude, that was my favorite RP from you to date. It was one of the best reads. You are learning alot in the tag divison and that's why I want to go back so bad. My RP's are getting pretty bad and think a partner would be good to help bounce off of and learn some good tricks. Anyways, I enjoyed the read and I do like Runn Reynolds Runn. Great job mentioning MoM too, I love it when people mention the past and I think it builds confidence. I do want KoH to win the match just to have a fatal 4 way tag team contest on the KC card but I don't see it happening. I loved that last paragraph were you were talking about if you could turn on Reynolds or not and I can't wait until after KC to see if it happens.

 

[Bernkastel]

Only one tonight; will give more tomorrow. Too tired.

Harthan

What I liked about the RP: The dialogue was very well written, and I thought the flow was nice.

Interesting RP this round; I liked the way you talked about the upcoming match discussing each of your opponents. I would have liked to have known more about what Drake was thinking about teaming with future opponents in the 6 man rather than what he was thinking in the future. Great RP this round; and I enjoyed the development with Drake and his workout scheduling regime.

 

[GI Cake]

Masked Gent (TBK)

Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems you are new to RP'ing. Which isn't a bad thing by any means, but you made the same rookie mistakes I made when I started. Like for instance, light color font. Get rid of it Stick with more defined and darker and bolder colors for dialog. Makes it easier to read on some screens. You also posted up your RP on the same day the boards went up. Now it doesn't hurt the overall quality of the RP, but if you keep your RP for a couple days before you post it and look it over, you can find stuff you wanted to remove, wanted to add, or correct any mistakes in the RP. Which is something I am going to touch on later.

First off, I am a sucker for settings in a RP. I love to know where the RP is happening and sometimes when it is happening. Without the setting, I usually end up seeing the RP in the middle of no where. Usually limbo comes to mind when I don't get a setting. A decent setting would have been a nice add in this RP. Something easy like having the RP in the locker room of Aftershock would have worked, like I said, a simple setting works better than no setting.

The promo itself, was not bad. But it left a lot to be desired. We got to see the Gent and how he behaves and that is all well in good, his character is pretty interesting. The whole over-zealous gentleman thing gives you a very fun angle to work your RP's and your promos. And that showed in this promo. I would love to see more into why he thinks the way he does and all that jazz.

Overall: It was a good first RP. But it wasn't fantastic. You did a good job conveying your character and what he is all about. But you still have a lot of places to improve. I only see good things for the Gent and I am up to reading your next RP.

 

[GI Cake]

meeks_56 (Derek Jacobs)


Okay, before I go anywhere with this feedback. I just want to touch on my biggest pet peeve in writing.

Spoiler

ALOT IS NOT A FUCKING WORD! IT IS "A LOT" NOT "ALOT" THIS IS SOMETHING YOU LEARN IN THE FOURTH GRADE. I'M NO ENGLISH MAJOR BY ANY MEANS BUT "ALOT" BUGS ME MORE THAN ANYTHING. STOP IT, STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW. AND THAT GOES TO ANYONE WHO WRITES "ALOT" (I'M LOOKING AT YOU GUYS, RYDER, DYNAMITE, AWESOME_MIZ)

Now first off, The setting was a repeat of your last one. It feels lazy to go back to pretty much the same exact setting with different dialog. Jacobs is a Superstar now. I doubt he would need to still work part time at a Nightclub. I would think after getting that new big paycheck from WZCW Jacobs would move on with his life than continue to work at a club as a simple bouncer. The setting was simple, but the repeat in the same scenario just left me with wanting something different.

Secondly, the dialog was alright. You use Kensworth pretty well, but their is no descriptive narration to keep the RP and the dialog moving along well. Do Jacobs and Kensworth stand in the middle of cross town traffic and speak to each other about the next Aftershock? Does Kensworth keep his cool? Does he get upset? Does Jacobs smile and start doing the robot during the conversation? This dialog would work if this was a phone call or a podcast, but the scene you are painting is a real-time event between two people. Give the dialog some life.

Also, Jacob's knowledge on what The Masked Gent is almost surreal. How on earth did he know what Gent said about Jacobs? Was Jacobs the goon holding the camera for Becky? Using your foe's RP against them can only work in so many cases. But being able to summon upon knowledge on the promo Gent did just doesn't make any sense. And the fact Kensworth just told Jacobs about the match. It just doesn't add up. How does Jacobs acquire that kind of knowledge. The other stuff was fine with the height and weight difference, but once again. Where did Jacobs come across this knowledge?


Now I like that you went into Jacob's past in your dialog. The story of Jacobs mugging old ladies makes Jacobs just a plain unlikable character.But to nitpick at this. People who commit crimes like a mugging are usually desperate and did it to either get by in their rent, or get a quick fix for their addictions. It seems really off someone would spend their spare time in some alleyway mugging old people for fun.

Overall: The premise of the RP was alright, but it was completely befuddled by repeating what you did in your past RP. Completely random nonsense, and a lifeless dialog really hurt this RP. AND DID I MENTION "ALOT" SENT ME INTO A ALL CAP WRITING FRENZY?

 

[Shotaro]

Derek Jacobs (Meeks)

Ok.

First things first, you need to sort out your formatting, honestly, your RP looks like a mess, there are different font sizes, different fonts everywhere, with seemingly no justification for it. I get that you use a typewriter font for Kensworth, but everyone knows who he is, there's no need to highlight that he is a reporter.

I assume you asked Killjoy for permission to use him in your RP also.

The content has its positives, you clearly know the character well and your confidence will build as you write more and more RPs. The thing that is killing you right now is the formatting, honestly it's hard to read.

Use one font and stick to it, there's no real need to vary your size or anything dramatic like you are doing, using bold and italics should be plenty.

 

[ABMorales787]

I actually think the font was fine. Particularly how Derek's dialog was bigger in size than the rest. It made RP be about him and put the focus on him. As far as multiple fonts go I say as long as it's not over blown, stick with it. There was font for 3 different people which is good enough and made each piece of dialog be distinguishable. Like I already told Meeks, as the RP's go, there needs to be more characterization. This is a good start, but the RP's need to get more heavy on it as time goes on. We need a reason to care for Derek and that's starting to show now.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Joe West - AF10

First of all, I just never like the "damn, I'm not going to _______" kind of character development. I always say...let everyone think that you are better than you really are...even when you are in the main event. I just get images of a kid not getting picked for the basketball team in middle school. Kind of like the Miz lately. You don't want to lose a dance contest, right? If your character doesn't think he's good...why should the reader care?

Perhaps I don't get the connection with Joe and his father. Wouldn't Joe be pissed as all shit at his father and therefore not really give a damn what he had to say posthumously? Or is Joe still trying to gain the affections of his father after his death?

As far as Maria is concerned, I feel as though this is just very out of nowhere, like Eve suddenly making out with Cena out of nowhere. Who goes strictly from being interested only in a professional relationship to being willing to go on a vacation with some guy?

Like, I really want your guy to stand up for himself and have a little confidence...get a little fire. There's no fire in this character. Don't apologize for being a loser. Just lose. Or try harder and win. If you keep losing, try some heel tactics to win. A fox like Maria, no matter how understanding, likely wants a guy who has some confidence about him unless she is grossly codependent.

And last match for awhile. Are you legitimately taking time off? If you're on the undercard, the best way to move up is usually through constant exposure. So, unless you are legitimately taking some time off from the fed...I just wonder what this storyline is trying to accomplish.

Just some random thoughts. I think your character has real potential, but I'd like to see you draw me in a little more.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Darren Bull - AF10

First thing: the reading does not flow well because of writing technique, etc. Commas where commas should not be. Misspellings of words run rampant. I would consider typing it up in a word processor with a spelling and grammar check before formatting it and presenting it for publication. Also, read it a couple of times out loud. That will help you find things that you might want to change.

The reading improves throughout.

Length is nice. Everyone knows I HATE long, arduous RPs.

I don't really know what you were trying to accomplish with the RP in terms of advancing your storyline with Joe West, but I am slightly interested to see what will transpire with Darren's father getting out of prison.

So, your character is some kind of party animal or something of that nature? Where do you seem to be going with that...and how will that affect your match at AF10?

 

[Mick Overlast]

I'm going to go 2-3 matches at a time on these, in reverse order of listing on the Predictions section.

Stevenson Marquel vs. Ace Stevens

Marquel: I like the introduction of Bowa, and I think he'll be great in helping further Marquel's development as a character. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with him as time goes on.

That being said, I can't help but find the dialogue between the two slightly awkward. I don't think the usage of the "IV" in "Kingdom Come IV" was necessary in every reference. To me, the flight scene came off as strange, with all the impressing going on. You could've benefitted by changing the wording in that paragraph and making it look less like Marquel was intentionally trying to impress Jack and more like a friendly encounter, which is how I know you intended it to be.

I know you have a history with Stevens, and I would've liked to see more of that history in this RP. Also, there's not a ton of mention about this being a street fight. I wanted to see Marquel talk about kicking Stevens' ass as if this was actually being fought on the streets.

Good verse to end what was a solid RP.

Stevens: I gotta say that's a pretty bad-ass Photoshop job; I'm hoping the RP itself delivers just as much.

This is me being picky and showing my journalistic nerdiness, but quotes usually get their own paragraph. I'm only saying this because you presented it in a magazine format. Also, there are some minor miscues with punctuation and the like.

Like Marquel, I think you missed big opportunities to delve more into your history, and even moreso about the fact that this IS a street fight. I did like the thug in a street fight quote, though.

The first of Ace's best one-liners actually made me lol, so good job on that. Clever presentation for a solid RP.

---

Triple X vs. Johnny Scumm

Scumm: I like the opening scene inside the bar, as Scumm is continuing to get the fans on his side. I'm not so sure about inserting the part about finding your father in the speech, though.

I'm sure we'll see more of Scumm's dad after KC, and I'm interested to see how he fits in and how the outcome of this match will affect their relationship going forward.

I would've liked to see more of you talking about your opponent as well.

Triple X: I really liked the part where X sees the updated board with all of his wrestling accomplishments. I would've liked to see some actual interaction with his parents, for I felt this was a bit short and the ending was fairly abrupt.

I also think you should've talked about Scumm more, but I guess trash-talking is hard to come by in a face/face confrontation.

 

[GI Cake]

Joe West (Black Dynamite)

Wow man, first thing I have to say is that this is a huge step forward in the right direction for your writing. You took the time to check the RP for spelling and grammar and it really helped the RP overall. Great work man. But now it is time to critique it. The setting is basic, but gives the reader a good idea on where and when it is happening. You keep the setting short and simple, which is a good thing when you want to trim down the size of your RP's. Woah woah woah, I'm calling gimmick infringement. Talking to dead friends and family is Ricky's deal. I demand you get DQ'd for taking the shortcut in this. ((I kid, I kid )) I actually kind of liked the overall idea you were going for, but I didn't really get the payoff I was hoping when reading through the dialog. I had a hard time getting a grasp on what kind of parent John West was. Was he a tough, cold and disconnected parent, or was he just a rough around the edges dad that deep down loved his son? I read through this bit a couple times to try and wrap my head around him.

I’ve got a beach house in Jamaica, the keys for it are under my bathroom cabinet.

Oh yeah, this kinda of confused me. Are the keys to the house inside the beach house? Or was it in the cabinet in one of his other homes?

Now the second half of the RP was without a doubt, the strongest part. The dialog between Maria and West did its purpose and gave us insight into West's future after Aftershock 10. Joe West is retiring? Wow, what a bummer, I don't know if you are going to retire the character and start someone fresh but a little time off can't hurt anybody. Hopefully you come back and continue improving in your RP's.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Doctor

Dude, as always, your RP is one of the funniest on the card, and I'm looking forward to your match at KC so much. There's not a whole bunch of stuff i see wrong with it, as I'm sort of new to putting up RP's myself and I don't exactly know what to look for. The spelling and grammar all look good, and you told a good story throughout the RP. Like i said, I'm very excited about your match at KC. I honestly don't know who's gonna win, but it's going to be an entertaining match

 

[Shotaro]

A couple of quick bits of feedback before I head out for the evening (in bullet point form) on a side note I have read through the RPs for a couple of the matches so far and the standard of RP is fantastic at this point. Well done to all!

Stevenson Marquel
- Couple of typos, nothing game-breaking but worth mentioning
- Missed formatting at the end for Jack Bowa (Great name btw!)
- Bowa works well as a pseudo hype-man, good idea
- Not much wrong with it, strong characterisation, good dialogue, had to pick up on minutae to have something to feedback on

Ace Stevens
- Very cool idea for an RP
- Obvious lots of effort went in, but some of the layout was odd compared to print media Mick already mentioned this though
- Don't know if it was just my monitor or not but some of it was slightly blurry and kind of difficult to read
- Again great RP backed up with a clever idea hole-picking ahoy!

Johnny Scumm
- Lot of effort put in
- His father felt well fleshed out
- Nice and clear, easy to read
- Good selling of your opponent too
- Liked the way you countered the face v face aspect of the match in the last bit of dialogue
- Again, another high quality RP

Triple X
- Powerful stuff
- Family is a recurring theme to the Elite X RPs
- Well handled and well written overall, especially the second half
- Another top quality RP

I should (hopefully) get round to the rest of the KC card tonight - at least up to the 5v5 and the WZCW title match.

 

[The Doctor]

Derek Jacobs
First and foremost, other fonts may be interesting but not strictly necessary. You have colors and are using colors, so other methods like that are not really needed. Very few people can really pull off the multiple-style/font thing.

Second, only one space between paragraphs, please. It just looks better than massive spaces. You also need to really stick with a single way of writing your dialogue. You start with quotes in a decent enough opening first two lines and then switch to blocks of untagged text. It just looks messy. Really, really messy.

Third, your actions and dialogue are all getting confused, especially in that first part where you throw a trash can. When you break up dialogue with actions, try removing the color or better yet narrating it through prose of some sort. The way you do it now makes you seem like one of those aliens from Mass Effect who narrate their emotions.

All in all your formatting is confusing and erratic and made it VERY hard to concentrate on what was actually happening in this RP. It's like you took a bunch of different RP styles and mashed them together. Try to find the one you're most comfortable with and make it work for you. Don't copy others, do what you need to do to tell your story but make sure to keep it comprehensible, because right now it isn't. Well, it is, but barely. Find one way of writing and one font and write everything like that. At this stage in your career you should focus on really finding one thing that works rather than trying anything tricky like this.

Now, onto the content. I hope you got permission to attack people like that and to use Matt in that capacity. The "Dr. Pain" nickname seems shoehorned in, but if it'll give you something to focus on in your RPs I'm all for it. It just feels clunky and awkward in how it was introduced. Your grammar is really poor. Proper names should be capitalized, as should headings. Your monologue before heading to the gym was decent enough, though perhaps a little over-the-top, as are all your depictions of Jacobs' anger. I get that he's angry and full of hate, but does he have to destroy everything in sight? It feels like excess. remember that in that case, less is more.

This whole promo seemed to set up a possible alliance between you and Matt Tastic. If that was the intent, I am interested in seeing where it'll go. If not, you just planted a massive red herring and I really have no idea what you were going for.

I will say the final line was pretty cool. The bottom line is, work on your formatting and grammar because those were both just awful. However, the content itself has potential. The best way to improve at writing is by reading and writing, so do plenty of that and over time I'm sure you'll improve if you care enough.

 

[Shotaro]

It's time for more bullet pointed feedback! (YAY!)

Saboteur
- Good linking between the RPs
- Some really funny bits in there (the staring contest, 80's training montage)
- Good fakeout with the training montage too
- Overall a great RP, really funny, told a story. What I've come to expect from you.

Action Saxton
- As above, I like the shared opening you both had even as adversaries it's obvious you guys work together to make sure both RPs are as good as they can be.
- I can't help but picture Saxton as Samuel L Jackson (probably because he's the modern day equivalent of the old Blacksploitation stars)
- Very funny, shades of Booker T at the end too (another guy who takes a lot from the old Blacksploitation genre)
- A good RP overall, you and saboteur are among my favourite RPers and always produce something great. This was no exception.

Steven Holmes
- Wall o' blue. See sig. I find it hard to read and hard to get into
- Great dialogue though, reads like a lengthy WWE promo
- I like the way you sell big Dave as a myth, talking about what people think he is as opposed to what he actually is made for a fantastic promo.
- Great work as ever Funkay, but I'm going to give it a thumbs down for Holmes because brass kunckles
- Only joking, seriously for a monologue I was impressed. Great work.

Big Dave
- Great concept
- Enjoyed reading it and there was a good pace between sections
- and then monologue.
- again, feels like a promo, well written and good focus too
- Dave wants revenge
- The end reminded me a bit of Kick-Ass or Super though, can't tell if thats a good thing or not

 

[Mick Overlast]

Time for Part II of my KC feedback.

Runn Reynolds Runn vs. BLT vs. Strikeforce

Ricky Runn: First thing I came to mind is that I guess the front row of KC is going to be packed with everyone's families (I kid, I kid.) I'm glad that you made it well-known that this is a TLC match and that it's going to be painful, crazy, etc.

There are some weird capitalizations (words like tables, ladders, chairs, evening should not be capitalized in the way you used them), but those are minor and don't take away from the overall RP.

I loled at the "He's fat!" line.

You really broke down what to expect your opponents, but moreso, I liked how you delved into the relationships you had with them. And of course, I'm a big fan of the cliffhanger at the end with Rachael and Ricky hinting at a possible splitting-up of RRR. Will it happen? Is it all a tease? I can't wait for KC to find out.

Great RP, dude.

Austin Reynolds: Damn it, I wish I was part of this match after reading this. Awesome buildup, and you summed up the magnitude of this match spectacularly well.

I wish I could add more, but this was just outstanding. No more needs to be said on my end.

TLT: I love the way you played up the underdog story that TLT is living through, and I personally would love to see him being the one to grab the belts -- it'd be an awesome Kingdom Come moment. I'm also a fan of the brief comic relief in the middle of the RP.

I'm glad you touched on RRR's experience and your brief history with Strikeforce.

Really not a whole lot more that I can say here -- very well done, sir.

The Beard: I laughed at the Bearded Social concept; definitely creative.

There are a few minor mishaps with punctuation and the like, but nothing that really distracts from the way the RP reads.

I liked the way you ended it with the E.P.I.C. slogan. You did a fine job building up this match here. Well done.

Howard: Wow. Very interesting story told here; I must admit that this was the first of your RPs I've actually sat down and read in its entirety, and I thought it was very good.

Alex's one-liners cracked me up and put a little bit of humor into an otherwise serious RP.

I love your writing style, man. Awesome job.

Stormrage: I'll throw this thought with your feedback: I like how you guys manage your characters, their significant others and their relationship so well.

There are some things with punctuation, etc., but again, nothing that's detrimental.

Like RRR, you guys may not be completely on the same page in terms of trust, and I think it adds something to this match. With such a crazy match, anything can happen, and this is my most anticipated match on this card.

ALL OF YOU: I just wanted to say that this entire thread was a very enjoyable read, top to bottom. All six of you really brought it for this match, and as a reader, I appreciated it. I'm not envious of Creative's job to pick a winner for this one. Awesome, awesome, awesome work, guys, and good luck to you all.

---

Action Saxton vs. Saboteur

Saboteur: I don't know how you do it, but you get me laughing every time. These RPs are so weird and it's just hilarious to me. Plus, I was a huge Ren & Stimpy fan back in the day, so thanks for the nostalgia. Great job, sir.

Saxton: I liked how you used the same opening that Saboteur did. Like him, you just have the humor down so well. Not a whole lot I can say here, unfortunately -- another great job.

BOTH OF YOU: Please hug it out after your match and go back to being friends. It's crazy how well you two work together. Excellent job.

---

Steven Holmes vs. Big Dave

Holmes: Damn, this was strong. This was a great monologue, and I think you nailed Holmes' hatred for Big Dave perfectly. Minor mistakes with apostrophe usage, but otherwise, this was an entertaining read. Heels like myself need to read this and learn how to write an incredible heel promo.

Big Dave: Nice job going through the timeline leading up to this match; it captured every emotion very well. There's not a whole lot else I can say...awesome job, sir.

---

That's it for tonight. I'll do two more tomorrow and the last two on Saturday.

 

[Johnny Scumm]

Time for feedback! Lee, Awesome_Miz, Mick Overlast & first up, Steamboat Ricky

Steamboat Ricky

-Welcome back to the full time RP schedule, it's nice to see you back. First off, I'm loving the "Gasparrrri Nutrition" thing here.
- I laughed here. The humour's smart, using the different symbolism for the wrestlers is a genius idea.
- REAL MATCH CONDITIONS!! That got me.
- I like your talking of Team AoC and the way you describe and show them. It's a good RP and considering you've had the no-shows, you still have a good chance in this one.

RP Rating: B-

I'll do Lee next 'cos it's in the same match.

Titus

- Oh T.U.R.D you fucking genius. I think that the way you take the piss out of S.H.I.T here is brilliant, very smart indeed.
- The jokes are great, especially where you lay into Becky.
- Your "Bigging up" the team is smart and then you become Titus. But were you meant to call them "Run Ricky Runn?"
- Either way, your RP is, like Ricky's... great. It does, along with Celeste's, still put your team in a good position going into this match.

RP Rating: B+

Mick Overlast

- Nice RP, it's short & sweet. Good use of Blade, but the more I think of it, the more I think that maybe he wasn't planning on RP'ing at all.
- Aha, someone wasn't happy losing to me It's good ammo to make you all angry though, works all the time.
- You've said you're gonna be in the ring with three people, huh? Gotta be a typo right?
- I like your RP though, it's just a shame that your team won't win what with a no-show.

RP Rating: C

Darren Bull

- Ahhhhhh, here we go. Is Chris Strongz a child? "Count all the way to three?" Ouch. As much as he's meant to be your ally, you just seem to use him as a ragdoll or the like. Using a friend to constantly have a go at does not make you look strong. At all.
- The second part seems sketchy & only shows small signs of you ever improving. Your phrasing and words makes me not want to read your RP half the time, which makes it really difficult for me to even wanna judge it.
- It's not called a square ring, it's the "Square Circle". Please don't hashtag your RP, it looks tacky.
- Are you gonna win? I don't think so, I like Joe West.

Rating: D-

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Matt Tastic (KFAD)

Ooooooooh. Hype intro. I LOVE hype intros. Got me hooked, brah. Way to engage the emotions of the reader.

Ok. Past tense of "scare" is "scared." "Scarred" is when one has a permanent mark. It's picky, but totally makes a ridiculous amount of difference.

Oh gosh...using "scarred" all the way through. Eeeeeeeeeek.

Hmmmm...c'mon broski. Does Kingdom Come automatically crush one's self-esteem? Nothing against the self-esteem of women, but what is with everyone looking to their women/valets to boost their confidence? How are you going to take on 5 other guys in an Elimination Chamber if your only source of confidence is on the outside? Being scared is not going to get you the W.

Wait, so now he HAS confidence and talks shit about Baller? Where did this come from?

Oh shit, Ricky as world champ reference. Points points points.

Ok, and done. So, this was just a little long for my liking. I judge this by pulling it up on my browser and if I get to the point where I say in my head "I wonder how long this is" and subsequently scroll down to see how much longer it is...a couple things have or may have occurred:

A) I'm not fully engaged.
B) It's too damn long.

Could be one or the other.

I still can't totally get over the complete lack of continuity between parts 1 and 2...but maybe I am missing something. How, as a reader, am I supposed to experience Matt with any credibility in part 2 after reading part 1? I would have understood more if the parts had been flip-flopped...the hero pandering for the crowd but in reality feeling scared behind closed-doors.

Beginning was awesome, but there were surely some things to think about the rest of the way through. I suggest watching some Mel Gibson films...notice the ways that he keeps the audience glued.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Constantine - KFAD

So.lonnnnnnnnnggggggggggg. Oh dear. I DO have ADHD, but even w/ medication, these are long as hell. Is it possible to tell the story that you want to tell whilst occupying less space? Some people like long RPs, I get it. But, it really takes away from the impact of the RP for me.

Way to sell the structure. Very Armageddon 2000. I would have liked it if you put yourself over a little more, but I'll see where this goes.

I dig the emotion of the funeral scene, but not many priests I'm familiar with would implore that the audience "live life to the fullest, for tomorrow is promised to no one." While Scripture would probably have varying stances on such a statement, it would surely line up well with The Gospel According to Nickelback.

The "teenager's member" part is quite out of line with the emotion of this particular scene. Fucks the flow.

End is cool. I like the mystery...what finally snapped in Constantine's head???


Overall: So.many.fucking.segments. He doubts himself, is sad over death and relates that to his doubt, gets a pep-talk from a mentor, then is fucking ready. Bam. Watch Rocky III. All that shit happens in like 1.5 hrs. Fast movie. You do, however, illustrate a point that I can see from start to finish.

Shorten up your RPs and maybe Ricky will ask you to tag with him.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Brad Bomb - KFAD

Haven't read any of it yet, but I know it's short. Hellz yeah. Let's see if you tell a complete story.


DUDE. I fucking LOVE this RP. I can't say enough about it. The writing is a little sloppy, but that can be corrected. I love the energy and the fact that you get your point across so brilliantly and with such brevity. I never once got bored.

Great underdog thing going on there, wanting to make a name for yourself. You list everyone else's accomplishments that dwarf yours, but instead of being like "well, maybe I don't have what it takes" you say "fuck it, I'm going to go do my shit." You have earned my respect with this RP, and I'll go on record saying that this is the best RP I've reviewed, thus far. Cap tip to you, sir.