RP Feedback Thread

[The Crock]

Milenko (Hunter Jackson): Not bad stuff here. I'm not totally certain you have a grasp on your character or his supporting cast just quite yet, though. The dialogue has spots where it comes off as incredibly cheesy -- Master Feng referring to Jackson as "my child" (or just "child") is fine... once or twice, you used it in almost every line. With time, I'm sure this will work itself out, but the writing is still really rough.

I'm also unsure of the content itself. You didn't talk about the match much and it seemed rushed; it looked like you were unsure of where to fit in commentary on your opponents, so you just threw in one quick sentence about it. That's probably the biggest flaw in the RP -- the dialogue may have been rough, but it's not a huge deal, this could be a deciding factor though.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. It was short and sweet, I saw some good character development going on with Hunter Jackson -- you're also establishing Master Feng as a character we'll be seeing again and that's always useful in future RPs. I'm hoping to see a lot more of Jackson around, as I think he really has room to grow as a character.

Overall Grade: C

Black Dynamite (Joe West): First thing I noticed was about your descriptions. I can tell you're trying to set a scene -- and I got what you were trying to say -- but it's pretty clunky and rough. Your sentences need to flow together better, but you seem to be giving us small fragments instead. Not a big hiccup, but there's a lot of really good guys in the fed you can read that will help you improve upon that (Ty's really good, I like Gelgarin too). Minor grammatical issues can really catch up to you, so you should cut down on those, too.

I've always tried to follow a simple blueprint with my RPs: Past, present, future; if you cover all those things, you'll probably have a leg up on whoever you're facing. As such, I liked the amount of time you put into your opponents. You did your research and I appreciate seeing that from people. That was probably my favorite part of your RP. Decent job, man.

Overall Grade: C+

Echelon (Celeste Crimson): That was a great read, man! You have such a commanding grasp over Celeste as a character, it makes your RPs much smoother and more enjoyable. Your descriptions were excellent; your narration is probably your greatest strength as a writer. The dialogue was also spot on -- it read as if it was a real conversation unfolding right in front of me, very few people in WZCW have that ability.

I have on gripe, though. Even though you talked about Ty and your match at KC, I felt like there was a distinct lack of discussion about Mr. Baller. After all, you always have to focus on the task at hand. Normally, this would be a huge blow to an RP, but it's not this time. Your RP was some quality stuff, I can't take away from that.

Overall Grade: B+

The rest is coming tomorrow.

 

[GI Cake]

Blade:

I got to say, you make a great Stable leader for Hammond and Overlast. You do a great job in tying in your RP's with your henchmen. I like the flow it gives and it actually made me more interested to read your RP which is huge points from me. You do a great job in making a setting and setting the tone for your RP's. You make the scene around you easier to read so the reader can focus on the overall story. And it helps set in that shock about Blade's promise to retire if he does not win at Kingdom Come. Which is huge news considering you are one of the main-stay guys in WZCW, creative member or not.

 

[The Crock]

Mick Overlast: I liked this. Your style is very simple, but it's effective. Your narration really adds something to the overall piece, whether it be a description of somebody's actions, a recap, etc. It's the little things in an RP that make it all the easier to read and you have a definite grasp on those; the amount of control you have over your character is also very impressive, Overlast has a distinct personality that helps me formulate an image of him in my head.

Though it was good, I felt the beginning was the weaker part of the RP. I understand that you had to tell the story about Hammond, but it just seemed very simplistic. You could have taken a different approach for it, maybe even injected some more emotion into it. The two parts are polar opposites: The amount of emotion in the second part is really my favorite part. I saw Overlast as a hungry up-and-comer in the second half, whereas in the beginning you just seemed to be going through the motions.

Overall Grade: B

Pancake (Ricky Runn): You've improved a lot since I last gave you some feedback, you've been a great champion. The dream sequence in the beginning is an effective way of setting the plate for the future and MAYBE foreshadowing what is to come for Runn Reynolds Runn. Whatever the case, I enjoyed it. It kept me interested and I enjoy Ricky as the underdog kind of earning his keep, you know? This was some solid character development.

There were times in the RP where the dialogue seemed to be sort of clunky, though. Some sentences just don't make very much sense to me, for example: "Come Kingdom Come, he is contemplating retirement, or maybe." I got what you were saying, but I had to read that back again. I don't know if it was a simple proofreading mistake or not, but that slows the reader down and takes away from an RP that was a pretty fun read. Other than that, this was a fine piece, but you need to make sure you stay away from minor grammatical errors and such.

Overall Grade: B+

Jam (Daniel Dela Cruz): Welcome to WZCW, man! This was a pretty good introductory RP. You familiarized the reader with your character and the laid the basic framework for who your character is and what he's all about. The gimmick your working with is different, the whole Filipino pride thing could work as both a face and a heel, so I'm excited to see where you're going with it.

On the downside, this was short. You did talk about your opponent, but there wasn't really much there. Then again, this is your debut match -- there's not really all that much more you could do against a debuting opponent either.

Overall Grade: C+

The Best (Stevenson Marquel): First off, I love your use of song lyrics to start off an RP. It's an awesome way to set the tone for what you're trying to say; great idea to use that, man. The RP was pretty cool, starting off in a prison, reflecting on what you've accomplished, seems like a nice way to build your character up. Introducing Bowa was also a nice touch, it's always good to develop relationships that you can use to further build your character's persona. Your interaction with Ace was also interesting, being ready to pop him with the belt was a nice touch.

On the downside, you really didn't talk about your opponents much. You told a nice story -- I can appreciate that -- but I'm not convinced you couldn't have added some more into that. You focused more on your title than your opponents. Don't get me wrong, it was fine to add that into the RP -- the championship is a solid thing to build off of -- but I would have liked to see a larger focus on your opponents.

Overall Grade: B-

Yazloz (Mikey Stormrage): Your character is pretty cool, man. Your interactions with James and your mother had me rolling, that was some really funny stuff. Playing a video game to prepare for your match was an interesting way to approach it, but you also made sure to keep the focus on your opponents and the upcoming match. James and Mikey are so different and I love it, the dialogue between the two of them is your RP's strongest point.

The major qualm with yours is similar to what I disliked about Pancake's RP. This sentence was hard to read: "After about a half hour of my total domination of James in the game stops to ask me." Things like that just kill the flow for me. The little things can add up and take away from fun RPs like this one.

Overall Grade: B

Doc (Action Saxton): I've always been a huge fan, and this RP did not disappoint. The intro to your RP is so meticulously done -- there just aren't many other people who would pay such attention to detail, I truly appreciate it. Your RPs always jump off the page, you have such a great voice/style when using Saxton; your stuff has really been growing on me, as of late. Saxton has more personality than almost any other character in this fed, there are people who could learn a lot from reading an RP of yours.

If I had to choose something I didn't enjoy (which is hard), it would probably be the lack of discussion about Saboteur and Runn Reynolds Runn. You didn't completely gloss over them, but it wouldn't have hurt to put a little more into it.

Man, awesome RP. Such a fun, smooth, and over the top read.

Overall Grade: A

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Cooper (Proph)

• I like how you tell Iris that Everest is losing it.
• I also enjoy the replica title with Everest's name in it.
• Next, time try to put how your character and NPC feelings our. For example, Iris part "How, when, what the?"
• Once again like last week loved the ending part.

Grade: 8.5/10

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Milenko (Hunter Jackson)

One of my opponents this week.

• I like how you made me feel I was there in the Temple.
• I would try to go for a little bit of longer RPs.
• Going with the past is good.
• Telling Feng about you being Skinner now is a thunbs up.
• Try and get a little more feel towards Feng and Jackson

Grade: N/A for reasons we both know

Spoiler

7.7/10

 

[Theo Mays]

Bearded Feedback

-Now I'm no expert in this department seeing how I just started up in these parts, but I feel like I should provide some feedback for those that blessed my character with their words. So lets get started shall we?

JAM (Daniel Dela Cruz)

-A bit short, but for a first RP it wasn't bad. My first was pretty short as well, so I can't fault you there. Overall I enjoyed it. It was simple, yet got to the point. DDC wants the chance at the big time and it means the world to him that he is getting it. I dig that and I hope to see you do well here Jammy. Hopefully next time around we get into a little more depth about the DDC character and his father.

Echelon (Celeste Crimson)

-I'm not sure how much feedback I can provide to a vet here, but here goes it. I really dig the character, it was unique and that is ultimately the best part of any character. I like how Celeste is fixated on putting Ty's reign to an end and even acknowledging that she can not beat him alone. Well done there and I felt that point got across strong. Well done. Only fault I really had was the setup, but once I figured it out it was smooth sailing.

Shotoro (James Howard)

-I completely despise you, no one defeats The Beard and gets away with it. All kidding aside (as that would make me the ultimate sore loser) your RP was stellar. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Howard and Mikey seemingly work well together despite their differences. I really liked where you were going with the whole thing and you are building Strikeforce as a serious tag team threat. Excellent work. No real faults here at all. Well written and formatted. Kudos.

 

[JamJam]

Mick Overlast
Really good RP that I read man. I like how your RP goes from one situation to another and it transitions nicely. You've set up your character to be the underdog here as he's been going through some struggles especially with his partner being deported. Some good story-telling here man, and that's all that we can really ask for.

Triple X
So you're the new Elite X Champion huh? Congratulations. Anyway, you also tell a very good story with your RP this week. A casual jog around the neighborhood alongside meeting a friend who brings up what's really conflicting your character at the moment was smart. For new comers like me, I don't know exactly what your character is about unless I visit your profile, but I'm glad you brought up some things in the past. You and Mick Overlast both put up some great Rps and I think that it'll be a tough decision as to who wins this.

 

[GI Cake]

B.L.T (Crock) ((Theo))

You guys are honestly my second favorite team in WZCW not named Runn Reynolds Runn. The Beard and T.L.T are great characters and in every RP you guys impressed me twice in a row now. I lost my interest in centering my RP's. But because it made it easier to meld the RP's together with Numbers if they both share a similar formatting. It is not a negative or anything, but it does feel funny to read a centered RP to reading a standard RP.

You guys do great research on the past and reading into the shows in order to lay down a promo on who are facing. I found B.L.T despite being a comedy team, have a better chance at winning than the Jacks or the Kings of Hate. And I do enjoy that you both effectively used both your RP's to push the point on why you guys are going to be on top of this Triple Threat Tag Match. Good work guys.

 

[Mick Overlast]

I'm not one to give letter grades, but I'll give my thoughts for those who have given me feedback so far (and those I owed from LL):

The Local Talent (Crock Flair)

This was an enjoyable read. The comedy was there, you definitely write the underdog role really well, and I just like your writing style. It may just be me, but I feel it ended a bit abruptly. Otherwise, there's not much more to say...awesome work.

James Howard (Shotaro)

Admittedly, this is the first time I've read one of your RPs, and I'm very impressed. I know it's been brought up before, but your writing style is very unique to this fed, and I really appreciate it. You did a great job of capturing all four characters you brought into the scene and interjected some humor when it was appropriate.

It's the grammar nerd in me, but I would've liked to see you end your characters' lines with periods instead of quotation marks. Besides that, I can't find much else wrong with it. Great job.

Daniel Dela Cruz (JAM)

It's your debut match against another debuting opponent, so the shortness isn't a big deal. I would've liked to see you delve more into Dela Cruz's pride in his home country and give us a little more insight into him.

Looking forward to seeing where you go from here.

Good luck to all!

 

[Theo Mays]

Bearded Feedback

Pancake (Ricky Runn)

-Before I continue, you are one of the key reasons of my joining. And I'm not even sure you ever talked to me about joining. It's the sig man, they always caught my eye. Anywho. I loved this RP. I loved the focus on Ricky getting his big moment at Kingdom Come. Also the waft of doubt in the air in the relationship with RRR was fantastic and brought up some potential foreshadowing, I dig that. Great work overall and you really did a hell of a job putting over the tag team division, well done sir.

Yazloz (Mikey Stormrage)

-Seeing as I left you out (my bad) of my first post I get you squeezed in here. You and Shotoro are great together. You guys are the ultimate odd couple and I'd love for our two teams to have a feud in the future. I think the RP's would be a blast as we could have our moments of comedy and seriousness. The RP as a whole was fun and I enjoyed it. Stormrage is one of my favorite characters that I've enjoyed in my early goings of WZCW. Excellent work. No complaints here.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

JAM/Dela Cruz:

I think it's safe to say that you have an idea for a character in your head, but I don't think you presented enough of him here. I think you tried to cover too much, rather than focusing on one part and really flushing it out. I understand that this acts as someone as an introduction to your character, and because he has no history within WZCW there isn't a whole lot that you can refer to other than who you are and your opponent. Because you didn't have to refer to your last match/current storyline, it would have been nice to see a deeper look at Dela Cruz.

I'm a supporter of JAM the poster and have seen first hand how creative you can be in your Book This! and I look forward to you being able to show us the Dela Cruz character.


Talon/Hollywood Jameson:

You've been given a lot of feedback for your RP and all of it was sound. I seriously hope you are able to separate what has been said here from things that are said elsewhere in the forum and learn from it. You've mentioned that you are a fan of a NXT type mentoring program, and that is exactly what this thread provides indirectly.

As it has been mentioned, this RP and Jameson as a whole, is pretty generic and the vision that you wanted to accomplish within your RP lacked focus as it jumped all over the place. As I mentioned before, I would like Jameson to be over the top in thinking that he's this huge big shot, while the whole world sees him for who he truly is. Like I've said, have Jameson think he's getting hounded by someone for an autograph when in reality it's a homeless man looking for change. Instead of him getting into the limo at the end of the RP, the limo should have drove off leaving Jameson and his whole entourage stuck with a shitty rental car. I think if you were to relax on trying to make Jameson seem like a big shot, and had fun writing about how he fails in the real world, you'll be able to pump out RPs that are more entertaining and give Jameson that edge that helps him stand out more.

I also like the name Hollywood Jameson.

 

[BK Styles]

Daniel Dela Cruz (JAM)

First off, apologies that it's taken this long to get back to you, and muchas gracias for the feedback you gave me

Now, onto the RP...yes, it is a bit short, but I've seen shorter. And besides, a longer roleplay doesn't always guarantee that it'll be better. An RP is as long as it has to be; if you've said what you want to say, don't try and pad it out just because you think it's too short. It isn't much of an issue for me, but with future efforts, you're probably gonna want a bit more in there. The more matches you have, the more you'll have to talk about, both in regards to your characters situation in the company and with his backstory.

Reading it, the passion your character has both for wrestling and his home nation flows out of the screen. You've done a good job with getting over just how much this means to him, and you've done that by keeping things simple; a new superstar getting his shot at the big time. Realistically, that's all it needs to be about.

I'll be interested to see where you go with Daniel after this match. For your first match, the content is pretty standard, but you'll get more ideas as the matches come, I'm sure. MTM brought up a great point in the fact that this RP, as your first, is a great chance to flesh your character out a bit early on, giving you more to build on as you go. Not a big issue, as conversely you still have that to use in your RP's, but you could have built a better launch pad.

One thing I wasn't too keen on was one line of description:

"What seems to be happening is a documentary-type of promo that is signaling the arrival of Daniel Dela Cruz in WZCW"

The problem with this line is simple; we already know this. This line of description is completely unneccessary. It's a shame, because especially in the second half of your RP, I really liked your descriptive text. Only a small thing, but something to think about.

You clearly know your character, and you have a good writing style. A bit more character development, and focusing the descriptive text a bit, and you're looking good, man. Good luck!

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Pancake/Ricky Runn:

I really dig the different font for the dream sequence rather than just choosing a different font color or using italics.

I'm sure its a matter of time before RRR decide to go their separate ways as I'm sure you and Numbers would eventually like the change in scenery. The dream was a really solid way of possibly foreshadowing the future and showing the little thought of doubt that Runn has.

I liked the comment about throwing your partner through the barbershop window as it was very cleaver. I enjoyed it even more after seeing it referenced in Number's RP. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not but it was interesting to see that tag-team partners sharing the same thoughts.

Really good character development with this RP. I like the conflict that Runn has in the back of his mind of wondering if Reynolds is better that him. I also liked that even though Runn has so much on his mind (KC, all of the tag-teams popping up etc.) that he's refusing to actually focus on the potential separation of the tag-team, but yet is always thinking about the team.


Austin Reynolds:

I think this is the first RP that I've ever read that was written in the first person point of view and I really enjoyed as it was a break from the style of RPs that I have been reading recently.

Reynolds clearly has a good head on his shoulders and is able to really see what is going on in the tag-team division like the true veteran he is. He is also able to clearly identify and point out the obvious differences between Runn Reynolds Runn and Action Saxton and Saboteur.

The connections between your RP & Pancakes' are crazy good. One starts with a dream, and the other ends with one but both share the same outcome. Like I mentioned in Pancake's feeback "I liked the comment about throwing your partner through the barbershop window as it was very cleaver. I enjoyed it even more after seeing it referenced in Number's RP. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not but it was interesting to see that tag-team partners sharing the same thoughts."

My favorite things about the two RPs (Pancake, I hope your reading this as it concerns you too) is how they both ended with the same conversation. It was really interesting to see how both partners thought at the exact same moment of time.


Saboteur/JGlass:

That was a darn toot'n fun RP to read and a nice change from all of the serious RPs that always get written, mine included. This was only the second Saboteur RP that I've read so I'm not sure if this is something that happens often, but I'm pretty sure a wall was broken. I'm not sure which wall, but it definitely wasn't Walls One through Three.

The RP didn't touch on the match much, but it managed to fit with the character and the entire flow of the RP.


Doc/Mr. Action Saxton:

Like Saboteur's, this was another very fun RP to read. The introduction was very cleverly written and featured excellent attention to detail and descriptions. I kept anticipating the final battle between Saxton and who wrote the letter, but was let down that it didn't happen.

My main issue was that the ending seemed rushed and ended abruptly.

 

[GI Cake]

Merkly (Rush)

It is good to have you back, I guess. But to be fair, I didn't think you were ever a part of the E-Fed. And I was not around during the days of Rush. But I heard stories of the old timers here always sing high praises about Rush. So I always assumed he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I had high hopes for your RP and expected big things. And after reading your RP.........I fucking loved it, Rush is such a cool character, and has such a interesting dynamic. It is hard to think of reasons why to hate him.

You express the personalty of Rush very well in not only your dialog, but also your narration. Which is a trait in RP's you don't really see enough of. If it wasn't for this, your character would have lost a lot of his potential interest. I love how only the fans (readers) can see Rush is the only suffering to his past. This honestly something very unique that makes your RP's pop out to me.

The only thing I can complain about this RP is the lack of Teamwork you and NewC showed. But that is because I am a Tag Team Champ. I would have loved to see a group effort on you and NewC's part. The dialog could also have used more promo. I would have killed to hear Rush's thoughts on his partner, who he is facing against. And what he needs to do in order to reach the World Title picture.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Blade:

You've always had a talent in your writing that really sets the atmosphere and conveys a certain mood with your RPs, and this was no different. You're RP was solid but Blade as a character seems to almost be in a holding position and you seem unsure as to where you want to go next with him. The Kingdom Come ultimatum will helpfully spark further interest that you have in Blade and he can continue to make an impact.


Thriller:

I liked the simple analogy of the walking paths representing your opponents and how familiar Phoenix is with them and how much of a challenge he views them as. Your RP had an abrupt ending (in a good way) and it ended on a very strong note, which was helped due to the fact that you mentioned what the location of the RP meant to Phoenix.


Harthan:

You have such beautiful writing and your RP felt more like a short story than an RP, which I commend you on. In a lot of your feedback to other posters, you mentioned "Show, don't tell" and you've demonstrated that you are a true master in this technique. You have an excellent grasp on each of your characters, as well as a solid understanding of WZCW characters such as Stacey.

You managed to make a very smooth transition from Drake's life to the interview to discuss your match. The line "Phoenix, tonight, you're going down in flames" is corny, but you managed to redeem it by acknowledging that fact and playing it up.

Drake learning social media was something that I was thinking of eventually doing with Rush. Old people and technology, right?!

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Echelon:

I think I've made enough love to your writing in a previous PM, so I'll hold back here. I'm not a machine!

This was the first time I've seen how Ty Burna's control has been affecting everyone within WZCW, such as Becky Serra & Stacy Madison, which was a nice touch. It was also nice to see them act differently when confiding to another woman.

This RP managed to literally cover everything. You discussed your previous history in WZCW, as well as outside the ring (which is so beneficial to newer readers who are unfamiliar with Celeste.) you touched on the match at KC and what it means for the company, and you covered everything without neglecting your match against Baller. Sometimes I find it difficult to cover so much without making it drag, but you certainly do not have that issue.

I found the orange text to be difficult to read, but that may just be due to my current tired condition.

I didn't find the final scene with Steven Kurtesy to be needed, and would have liked to see the RP end shortly after the interview with Klamor.


Baller:

There were a few grammatical errors that I picked up on, but not enough to fully remove me from the RP. I enjoy reading Baller embrace the "your highness" gimmick and I hope this continues after KC, win or loss. I feel like it can add another level to your character and it creates a sense of delusion for him.

The flea market setting didn't really fit, your dialog seemed all over the place and your descriptions didn't always fit the story you were trying to tell. For example, the phrase "put the pedal to the metal" really took me away from what I was reading. You didn't allow the reader to use much imagination in picturing what was happening as you presented it constantly. As Harthan would say "you need to show, not tell".

You did manage to cover a lot in this RP such as you first encounter with Celeste, how you've changed, your next match with here, your King for a Day qualifying win, your match at Kingdom Come and the ongoings in WZCW. You covered a lot without making it boring.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Killjoy:

I liked the font that you used, but I found it too small. Have you thought/tried using the font but increasing the size by one?

I found your RP to feel very choppy and lacking a real flow. The call that Matt Tastic had with Vance really wasn't needed and didn't add anything to the RP. You did a good job of showing the reader Matt Tastic's mood leading up to his match reveal, and then showing how his mood changed for the worse, before he was able to compose himself and carry on in front of the fans. I found that "mood swing" to be very interesting, and wonder when it will appear next.


Dave:

I'm not too sure how much this feedback will benefit you as there really isn't much that I have to say except that you have mastered the technique of being able to say a lot in few words. You select your words with care and your writing is as efficient as it is effective.


Newc868:

I'm so very thankful that you were able to produce a good RP and hopefully give us a shot at winning because I don't think I was much help at all. I was drawing a complete blank leading up the the RP, and it wasn't until I posted it that I was struck with any true inspiration.

I found it interested to see Brad Bomb's view on teaming with Rush. While most people discuss how they can work together as a team, when teamed up with a stranger, you took a different route and put the focus on the weaknesses of your partner and opponents. This was just as much of an introductory RP for KC as it was for the tag match this week.

If I had any complaint, it would be that it was short and I would have liked to see you talk more about this weeks match. But then again, I think I only mentioned it in one or two sentences so really who am I to talk, right?

Oh, yeah. Tell Brad to put away his own fucking dishes! What was he raised in a barn or something?

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Yazloz:

The thing that stood out the most when reading this and Shotaro's RP was the contrast in characters that there is between Howard and Stormrage, and I love it as it makes such an interesting dynamic between the two of you. Howard acts like the older, serious brother, while Stormrate is the fun-loving guy who likes to stress his older brother out in a way to teach him to loosen up. I also really enjoyed reading how Mikey and Rose interact in their relationship. Rose really brings out another layer within Mikey which is only a benefit for your character.

Mikey is a very witty guy and a pleasure to read his antics. While I understand what you were going for, and it kind of paid off at the end, there were way too many My Little Pony references in this. So many that they eventually started to take away from the RP. It would have been better suited if it was constant video game references, or comic book references. Maybe I'm wrong, but to me, the MLP discussion in the WZCW Discussion Thread leaked its way into your RP.


Shotaro:

There is excellent continuity between your RP and Yazloz's which I appreacted. Like I mentioned in the feedback above (read it, the first paragraph affects you as well) I love the contrast that is present between Howard and Stormrage.

You have a good understanding of your character and the characters in Howard's life, and you are also able to write Stormrage very, very well. You were able to capture him perfectly in your RP.

You managed to put a lot into your RP, with a number of different settings, and none of it felt out of place or drawn out.


The Best:

Your RP took place in a really unique and exciting setting. While I would have liked to have been able to read the speech and interactions between Marquel and the other inmates, I appreciated the "montage" that you provided the reader.

Marquel has a voice that stands out when compared to most of the WZCW roster, and I would like to see it pushed a little further to make him stand out even more. You were able to present the reader with Marquel's feelings on teaming with Ace, and I would have liked to have been able to experience that more with his thoughts on his opponents.

I hope to see Bowa as a reoccurring character.


Sanka:

The line "The only reason he didn't lash out then was because we were in his house." I found to be a very intense and powerful line.

Ace Steven's is a funny dude and you present him in a very cleaver manner. Your writing is efficient and effective as you are able to say a lot, with a little. What could be said in five words, you are able to effectively say in three. You were able to equally discuss teaming with Marquel as well as both of your opponents and kept it interesting from start to finish. I did, however find the ending felt abrupt and you lost some of the flow that you had established, but I suppose there are only so many ways to end an interview so I don't fault you on that at all.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Theo:

You had me at "Busty waitress".

I'm a big fan of The Beard character and you mentioned that you weren't happy with your first RP, but I hope this one kept you motivated to continue with the character as it was really fun to read. I know that it's still early for The Beard, but I look forward to him continuing to be flushed out with each RP as you clearly demonstrate an understanding for the character. You also manage to write The Local Talent character perfectly.


Crock:

Not only did I laugh, but I laughed out loud when I read "... take a big fat dump on his..." I look forward to reading more TLT RPs from you as they are filled with laughs from start to finish.

Your RPs with The Beard have the dynamic between the two partners built in the descriptions and the conversation the two have with each other, which allows you to focus on your opponents, or the future, or whatever you wish rather than spending half of the time setting up your relationship.

At the very end of your RP, I think it needed a description of the action that TLT and The Beard did after the 400 lbs lift to close it off nicely. (If that makes sense.)


Awesome_Miz:

I've never been a fan of "The Scene opens up with..." I don't need to be told that in books that I read, or movies that I watch. I see/read it and understand that this is the beginning.

I can see what you are trying to accomplish with your character, mood and setting, but it's not reaching its full potential. Instead of fighting between two intimidating men trying to get the upper, hand on the other, it reads more like teenage girls bickering.

I noticed there were times where you used more words to get the point across than required. For example "We were late due to the fact that we were about to run out of gas and had to stop at a gas station." could have read "We are late because we almost ran out of gas and had to stop."

The Chris character was unneeded in this RP and didn't accomplish anything. I assume he will be used later on, but this didn't really do a good job of introducing the character and he could have made his debut in a future RP.

The Black descriptive font in the blue dialog font really stands out and looks nice.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Stevenson Marquel The Best
I like it. I like the setting and the fact you were talking to prisoners trying to show them that anything can happen after they got out. The rap at the end was good and I enjoyed it.

If i had to pick something negative it would be you used the word Brotha to much It just wasn't really needed that much. Also you could have interacted with your partner a bit more. It is a tag match after all and while you 2 don't get along I feel there could have been more.


Drake Callahan Harthan
First off am I ever gonna get my match against you for taking my Mayhem title? I'll bring back Milenko for a 1 off special match at some point.

What can I say I loved reading it. i loved the interaction between, Drake, Joe & Kate. I loved the interaction between Joe & Stacey. You mentioned all of your opponents and brought up your past with the ones you have history with. I can't really think of anything negative to say about your RP.

Rush Merk
I enjoyed it from start to finish. you used Becky well and let everyone know what you hope to accomplish and why you came back.

what I think you chouldh ave done better was mention your match and interact with your partner a little bit.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Meeks

It's pretty short but length isn't always important. However, you should go more into details about your character. Only thing I really is that you like money? You described both of your opponents pretty good. That is a great way to start. One thing that got me confused was the 3 different font colors. And I think 2 were for Leon. I'm not the best at description for my rp's but thats what I've been working on the most. I think you need the same thing. Don't just put that he chuckles a little. Another thing you can do for RP's is set yourself up with a goal in your RP's. If you are going for the Mayhem title, mention him for a line or 2. Don't base your whole RP on it. Also go places that fit your character. I havent read your profile yet but I will. Character development is very important right now too. Get to know your character. If you can't do that, how do you expect your reader to. Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck sir.

 

[JamJam]

Derek Jacobs
Hey man, welcome to WZCW. First of all, with it being your first RP, I can understand it being short, just like how mine was. Not that it was bad or anything. Your message here was simple, it was all for the money. Maybe a little more character depth would have been nice. But you had a simple message and you got your point across. I like that you brought up a point about it being a triple thread match instead of a singles contest, that was good to read. So overall, maybe a little anxious to post up your RP, but it was alright.

Anderson P. Styles
For some reason, the first half of your RP felt like a rant to me. But you finished strong in the end. It's good to mention your opponents in your RP as you tell us how you'd beat them. Having your own "show" is pretty interesting to say the least. Overpowering Kensworth like that was a good booking move to let others see you as a heel. Overall, pretty good first RP.

Mr. Butty
From the three, I think that your character comes off as the "most-asshole-ish" lol. I guess that's a good thing since you're a heel. A heel teacher like you is one interesting character which I think can be written about in a lot of scenarios. A teacher could be like the perfect villain, haha. I like that you use the classroom as sort of a place where you do your evil deeds but also seem to be having a renaissance of some sort in it. You just do a good job of coming off as heel is basically what I'm saying. Definitely the better of the three here. Expecting a win out of this one.

 

[GI Cake]

Meeks (Derek Jacobs)

First, I like the gimmick, it is simple and it has a lot of potential to some serious character depth. You do a lot of money puns, and really push the fact that Derek likes money. Kind of reminds me a lot of Brock Lesnar.

However the RP was way too short to my liking. But it is your first RP and I can understand you want to make it short and sweet. But their is a lot to be had in a RP. You need to cover your past, your present, and what you want to achieve in the future. And of course you got to cover who you are facing off against. One or two lines are not going to cut it, trust me on that.

Overall: You have a great character and you have a lot to work with in your future RP's. This may not be the best RP out of the bunch, but that doesn't mean you won't improve. Keep up the god work, Meeks.

 

[GI Cake]

Mr.Steve (Anderson P. Styles)

Welcome to WZCW, Mr.Steve. I know we don't really converse much, but you seem like a swell fellow from wherever I see you.

Now the starting of your RP is actually very sound. I love the setting you make, it is simple, effective, and it leads to a good promo. Which is always a huge plus if everything flows in your RP. But at the same time, your Leon pretty much blurts out of nowhere. It is hard to picture the emotions of Leon and Styles, it is nice to have some narrative in your dialog. Does Styles just sit there and talk for 5 minutes? Is Leon sitting there holding the mic out with the same vigor and emotion as well....A Mic Stand? I also don't know how I feel about switching interviewers halfway through your RP. But it is effective here because you cover who you are facing so well in your RP.

Overall: This is the best RP out of the Triple Threat in my opinion. I love the character and I can't wait to see more of Uncle Styles. Good work, dude.

 

[Harthan]

Feedback for the young boys:

Meeks/Derek Jacobs

*I don't object to short RPs out of principle or anything, but this is really short. I get that you don't have a ton to work with, but still. Take a look at the length of your opponents' RPs. Those are about average length and more along the lines of what I tend to expect. For a first RP I'm not that upset about it, but I would try to add some content for the future.
*That said, I do like what you're doing so far with Derek. At first I was worried it was going to stray firmly into generic cocky heel territory, but there are some upsides. You have a good sense of humor that should be carefully developed. Really, it's the bodyguard angle that's most interesting. The problem for me is how much mileage can you get out of a character whose sole motivation is money? It's a little flat and cliched, you know? I would try to work out some deeper character material. I think mercenary for hire is a great stare, just flesh it out a bit.

Verdict: A passable introductory RP. You have good things to work with, but as a piece unto itself I wasn't that inspired. Think about adding depth to your character, and more interesting RPs will probably result. C-

Mr. Steve/Anderson Styles
*Quick note - you mashed up Leon Kensworth and Derek Jacobs when talking about your opponent. Not sure if a proofing error or just getting used to who's-who. Well, you say Leon Kensworth a few moments later, so I guess we can answer that question.
*Didn't understand your reference to GoT in the opening. Who are you referring to? I mean, I guess Butty since Jacobs is the football player, but I just don't get it, unless I'm drawing a total blank on my GoT characters. I also didn't really understand what you were talking about with Ozzy Osbourne. Try to make your references a little more clear, I guess, is what I'm saying.
*You use the phrase "pretty much" a lot in weird contexts. As in, Leon "pretty much" did what he was told. It's vague. Did he object? Did he hesitate? Did he just go and do it? I would be more specific than "pretty much", in the future.
*Some occasional proofreading errors. I think you once told me English is a second language for you, right? If I'm making that up, just ignore me. Nevertheless, try to keep an eye on that. Since you posted your RP so far in advance of the deadline you definitely had time to do it.
*Things start to get kind of weird here: "just like the good ol’ states didn’t quit when they went ahead and dumped the tea in the Harbor, in any single fight that George Washington; a man who did not win a fight at all! Yet still proved to have some serious lack of quit in him" I can't tell if this is consequence of the poor writing or what, but you seem to be implying that the Boston Tea Party was an act against Americans. And your sentence structure when you start talking about George Washington is really strange. Not to mention historically inaccurate; Washington definitely won his share of battles.
*Thought it was a little odd that Becky was just prepared for an interview with a newbie out of the middle of nowhere. It might have been apropos for her to not know who Styles was, or something.

Verdict: You clearly tried, and I appreciate that, but it has a couple of holes in it that take its overall quality down. I think you have loads of potential and material to work with but need to work on presenting more cohesive, polished pieces. A good first effort, though. B-

Mr. Butty/GCB
*Some occasional awkward writing, though I usually get the gist of what you're going for. "not everybody is entitled to health care when they need it." is a phrase that could have been subtler. "believed you had a huge claim when you installed"...I guess, my objection here is, a claim to what, precisely?
*Okay, so that said, this is pretty awesome. I loved the motif of Butty in the room full of kids, just yelling and screaming about how everyone else is a terrible person. It's perfectly over the top heel antics. The asshole teacher gimmick really, in and of itself, is totally over the top in just the right spot. Loads to work with.
*As an introductory RP, this is more or less pitch perfect. You addressed your competition well in the context of your character, and fleshed out the basics of Butty. Great stuff.

Verdict: Not much more to ask out of an introductory RP, is there? Work on the writing just a bit, but the content is all there and hopefully you can keep evolving. One thing to watch for I suppose would be letting the character stagnate. Over the top heels can stray that way. Just try to keep things lively and this can really go places. A