RP Feedback Thread

[Harthan]

Jam/Daniel de la Cruz

*Excellent proofreading, either that or you didn't make mistakes. Or I'm exhausted and didn't notice them. One of those things is true. Anyway, you did pretty good at keeping typographical errors to a minimum, so kudos.
*Some awkward writing here and there. "Dela Cruz's facial expression then turns into one of a jovial one." stands out as an example. I guess that's kind of a typo but I file it more under awkward writing.
*Your narration, mostly the use of the "we" is interesting. It's different from what most use, which is a good thing.
*Content is where most of complaints arise, but they're not major, especially given this is a debut RP. I guess what sticks out to me is that this is pretty generic. Honestly an RP I could have read from just about any basic face character out there. I'm not going to be harsh about it considering you just debuted and are figuring the character out no doubt, but just something to think about going forward. I'm also not thrilled about basically two entirely separate lines of thought going on. I'd have preferred either focusing on Dela Cruz's phone call or his Manila promo. Or at least have had some connective tissue between them.

Verdict: A solid debut effort, with my major recommendation going forward to be to bring out what is unique in your character. Not at all sure who to pick between you and Armstrong, to be honest with you. B

Yazloz/Mikey Stormrage
*I love the first person narration. Definitely sets you apart and you do it well. Stream of consciousness on top of it is even more unique. Very different writing style that works really well for you.
*Some punctuation/grammar note. Please end sentences with a period, which is something you missed quite a few times. Also, capitalize "Mom" in situations like "Guess I will just text mom", since it is a proper noun in these cases. Also some issues of missing commas. To be honest this was the worst part of your RP, it's pretty grammatically unsound.
*One gets the feeling you're just blatantly sucking up with the pony references...and I don't care. No, seriously, it's funny, topical, and gives a nice dynamic to Stormrage and the interplay of he and Howard. I like how it lead to the development of kind of a big/little brother thing in this RP.
*I could have done with a little more connective tissue between the lines of dialogue. After a while it feels like reading a script. I'm left to fill in supporting details by myself, which leaves your own intent ambiguous.

Verdict - Your content is excellent and you clearly know what you're doing with your characters and direction. But, your writing is a little weak and could use improvement along the above lines. Work on that and things will get much better. B

James Howard/Shotaro

*The fact that both of you guys do first person narration but in different ways - that is, Yazloz does stream of consciousness, you do a more traditional style - is awesome and I love it. Yazloz reminds me in spirit Ulysses while your writing reminds me in the same way of Jim Butcher. It's good stuff.
*Grammatically, you also missed a few periods and such. Keep an eye on that. Same goes for commas. Also, you had a few run on sentences easily resolved by proper use of the semi-colon. For example, "I stooped down to meet Maitre d’ eye to eye; he did not break eye contact as I stood back up again" is the proper way to write that sentence. The next sentence suffers in similar fashion.
*This is a very tiny little quibble, but nonetheless: "The drive to the restaurant was uneventful." In that case, why bother writing it? I'd have been fine with just jumping to "When we arrived at the restaurant..."
*I'm trying to contain my enthusiasm over how much I love the content in this piece. You've got Mikey and James's dynamic down to a T and given how shortly you've been a team, that's impressive. You really just kept the piece moving beautifully throughout and despite the length I didn't feel bored while reading it. The dynamics you're playing between Mikey and James and even the hint of tension is really nice. I like your use of the female supporting characters to move things along, too. Very nice.
Verdict: Nice piece with great content and minor grammatical errors. Keep it up. A

 

[Bernkastel]

First batch of feedback for Aftershock.... will do more as they come in

#1Peep

What I liked most about the promo – I really enjoyed the descriptive narration that you used. The whole piece was oozing with emotion that really got me connecting with the character.

What I liked least about the promo – A couple of spelling and grammar errors but nothing major. Overall a very solid piece.

I really liked this RP; this is an awesome way to debut yourself. I think you covered just about every single base and left nothing out. The RP has a very authentic feel to it with the dialogue and narration; I guess being a native of Australia actually helps you become intimate with how the landscape is set up and how your character is supposed to act. Very well done for your debuting promo.

The Bearded One

*You should change your username to The Beard just to further mess with everyone like Dave, Phoenix, and Thriller have.

What I liked most about the promo – The descriptions were very nice, and contained a nice flow throughout the piece.

What I liked least about the RP – I felt that part of the dialogue with Jason’s ex wife should have been descriptive narration or spoken thought. It just struck me as odd that your character would go into such detail about his match when she probably didn’t give a shit. You painted a picture of a strained relationship between Armstrong and his ex, and that part of the narration didn’t match the painting.

Very solid showing for your first RP with this character; I am hoping to see many more entertaining reads from you in the future.

JAM

What I liked most about the RP – The way you built up Dela Cruz was convincing, but I felt like the descriptions were lacking.

What I liked least about the RP – I was put off by the descriptive narration; I felt like it was simply too vague throughout the piece, especially during your opening segment. I had to guess what was going on with the range of emotions that Dela Cruz must have been feeling.

I would say for next time try playing with some of the different emotions, see what you can come up with, and try to give Dela Cruz a range. It will help his character development. Overall this RP was a fair effort.

Yazloz

What I like most about the RP – you’ve improved your descriptions of character emotions since last week. That’s awesome.

What I liked least about the RP – A few grammar and spelling mistakes, and your dialogue needs to be formatted a bit better. I would suggest placing thought’s in italics, that way they aren’t meshed in with the descriptive narration.

Overall I liked it; the actual dialogue flowed quite nicely, and you’ve tried to improve your usage of NPC’s. The Pony humor caught me lightly off guard, though. Next time I hope to see you produce something that is even better.

Shotaro

What I liked most about the RP- The dialogue between James and Micky was superb. Not only didn’t did you improve from earth to heaven since last round with your character development, but you even planted the seeds for future interactions between the two characters.

Even the idea behind the setting was subtle, yet effective with the way you wrote everything.

I could not find anything wrong with the RP. This was a damn fine showing this week, and you should feel proud. I think you should use this RP as a benchmark for your future work. Well done.

Milenko

What I liked most about the promo – I have been to several Buddhist meditation ceremonies in the past, and I know a bit about the religion, so the dynamics of your character interests me.

What I like least about the RP –Your descriptive narration of the setting was quite very vague, and I was really interested in seeing the dynamics of how Hunter practices Buddhism and meditation.

The dialogue was clear, and I do like how you you’ve developed a spark into the unlikely pairing of Hunter and Skinner. Next time I would really like to see some new development from Hunter; I am very interested to see how you use this gimmick.

NSL

What I liked most about the RP – There’s a lot of energy flowing into this piece. The
first half does a good job of conveying the newfound energy that Jack feels about being in a tag team.

What I liked least about the RP – I felt like the second half of the promo ended too abruptly. I was waitin for Jack to tell Klamor off, but it never came.

Your descriptive narration needs some improvement, but I think this tag team with Hunter may be able to breathe some new life into Skinners career. Good job.

Black Dynamite

What I liked most about the RP – This RP has been a tremendous improvement since you first started. Even though the interaction between Joe and Darren continues to be childish and petty, Maria just balances things out so well.

What I like least about the RP – You’re dialogue does need some tweaking; a good trick when you proof read try reading speed reading through each sentence, if you stumble then that might be an indication that the sentence may need to be reworded.

This is a really good RP; and I really like your descriptive history behind the “Kings of Hate” name. With this type of improvement, Joe and Darren will be amongst the tag team elite in no time.

 

[Harthan]

Talon/Hollywood Jameson

*Some grammar/style notes. I don't particularly like ampersands, I think they're just sloppy writing in this kind of a piece. Also make sure you know the difference between "it's" and "its". The former is a contraction of "it is"; the latter implies possession.
*Probably not the best use of Myles here. I mean, I don't feel like you really know anything about the character and it shows. Myles isn't the kind of dude that gets ecstatic over a new signing. He's kind of an asshole, although he's getting better lately. But, still not exactly going to be jumping for joy over a new contract. He's also not the GM of Aftershock; not sure where you got that idea, but there's an NPC roster in the main roster section that outlines his role. EDIT: Completely in the wrong here, my apologies. Haven't slept enough lately. Forgot that Myles was recently promoted.
*I'm not really digging the content here. It's utterly generic, and being that your gimmick appears to be the dreaded "cocky heel", it's the worst kind of generic. The thing is, I do like your character's stated gimmick, "wannabe A-lister" but I don't feel you hit on that at all here. In future pieces, I'd explore ideas like false bravado, getting tossed out of clubs, that kind of thing. It would probably be wise to give the entourage some personality too. I could see them playing straight men to Jameson. You have interesting things to play with, but none of them came out here. Not the biggest problem since this is just a debut piece, but keep it in mind for the future.

Verdict: Explore your character at a deeper and less superficial level in the future and you can go places with it. As it stands, this is a pretty average debut piece. C

 

[Bernkastel]

Here is the first batch of feedback for those of you appearing on Meltdown this week... more to come once when people post.

Kid Horror

What I liked most about the RP – This whole thing with the High Society has me intrigued. I thought this would have been a group similar to the one back in 2007, but now it seems as if you’ve taken Ty’s old gimmick. I am interested in seeing where you take this idea after reading the ending.

What I liked least about the RP – A few spelling and grammars derailed the flow of dialogue in certain areas, and I felt that you could use have used a bit more narration in your opening.

I liked this RP; you made great use of your dialogue. My favorite part is when Justin mocks Everest’s well known catch phrase at the end. I think Justin has allot of potential in the future.

Funkay

What I liked most about the RP – The upcoming, inevitable feud between Holmes and Dave should be outstanding. It thought Holmes would have been more vocal about his anger, but he has that quiet rage going on and I like that.

What I liked least about the RP – the only gripe that I have is that I felt your dialogue could use some more transitioning so that everything isn’t hidden inside big chunks of text.

This is great work from you as always. The issues surrounding Holmes fascination with fear has been intriguing and well written thus far.

Pancake

What I liked most about the RP – The dream sequence was great foreshadowing of a possible future between Ricky and Austin. I thought that was a nice touch.

There wasn’t anything negative in particular that I found about the RP. I thought it pretty damn solid all the way through. I loved the way the dialogue flowed through the transitions; it made the conversation between Ricky and Rachael feel natural. Good job this round.

Numbers

What I liked most about the RP – was the play off of Pancake’s RP; even down to the paranoia that both of you are beginning to feel for one another regardless if you win or lose the next match.

What I liked least about the RP – I wasn’t really big on the dark green font mixed in with the green font. I know different computers show the colors at different tones, but I felt that the green on green just wasn’t working.

Great RP though, really complements and mirror’s Pancake’s even down to the daydream sequence. I’m interested in seeing where this story leads to Kingdom Come.

JGlass

What I liked about the RP – a continuation from the previous week, as Sabotaur continues his search for the elusive Bam Bam spoon.

I did not find many spelling or grammar errors; just make sure not to repeat excess words over and over in succession. You do good work with the outlandish and cartoonish comedy gimmick, and I have to say that allot of your work is enjoyable and original.

I wonder if… Sabotaur and Saxton are going to feud over a gold plated Bam Bam spoon; that’d be awesome.

 

[GI Cake]

Echelon (Celeste Crimson)

I really enjoyed your RP this round. It was a huge step up in lasts week. I've noticed you keep a key knack in your dialog and how it transitions to one and another. Personally, I love that because it gives a realistic feel and helps me imagine the dialog between the characters.

Also being a member before Celeste Crimson's time in WZCW when she was a heel. I found you did a amazing job using Ty Burna to compare who Crimson was and how she strives to be the person she wants to be today. I love the story on how her kid changed the way Crimson viewed the world.

Like I mentioned before, when your dialog flows as smoothly as yours. Transitioning from one topic to the next makes it feel more natural. I was hoping you would get more into Baller. But I suppose the bigger image you are painting for Kingdom Come will make up for it.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Talon

The first thing I noticed was how out of character Chuck Myles seemed. Why would he be impressed by you even though he's never met or scene you before?

Another thing Is there was no real introduction of your character. No monologue or anything of his back story, or why he wanted to be in the WZCW.

And lastly there was little or no mention of your opponent Hiro Kota Koji. Now this is a mistake I also made in my first RP. It's easy to get wrapped up in trying to make your character look the coolest or best in your first RP that you forget about your actual opponent but let me tell you it's not a good thing. What I try to do in my RP's is not only tell a little side story but also try to get a healthy balance of me running down my opponent(s).

Things I would do to improve your character are get into his back story and also give your the people who are in your circle of friends personalities. And make sure if your using a NPC that you read up a bit on your history so you don't look like a fool regardless if you have their position in the company right or wrong.

Hopefully this helps.

 

[Bernkastel]

Here is the first batch of feedback for you guys appearing on Ascension... more to come when people update


Miko

What I liked about the RP – I really liked what you did with the setting; it reminded me of something out of the Matrix. Very trippy; gave the illusion that SHIT was spinning inside of the vacuum of space surrounded by thousands of hand held, multicolored stars.

I like the way you write heel SHIT; I think the character has really evolved since you were doing comedy shows with him. You’ve really caught my interest this week and I hope to see something even better next week.

Merkley

What I liked most about the RP – It’s good to see Rush back in the fed, and I’m glad that he hasn’t lost any of his old intensity.

What I liked least about the RP – You didn’t really talk much about your next match, but you did remain optimistic about the future. It felt like the RP was missing a segment.

I remember Rush from the old days, so I am interested in seeing where the character goes.

The Killjoy

What I liked most about the RP- I liked the idea for the setting; I thought Tastic going around with a megaphone promoting WZCW is something I’d see him doing.

What I liked least about the RP – I felt that the RP could have used some more transitions. I got lost in the sea of dialogue when the scene changed suddenly somewhere around the middle of the RP and I didn’t have much warning.

Overall I thought it was an effective, fast moving promo that really showcased Tastic’s enthusiasm. I liked how you drove home how weird it was for Tastic to be teaming with Constantine when the two really didn’t know each other that well. Well done this round.

Blade

What I liked most about the RP – this really does have a shoot feel to it; however, I thought that it might have been a logical step for the character considering that the Lottery was a bust, his recent loss to Rush, and the fact that the Sons could not win the tag titles.

What I liked least about the RP – try to watch repeating the same words over and over. This messed up the flow of the large chunk of black text in the middle of the RP, and made it difficult to read.

I am interested to see where the character goes from here; perhaps maybe I’ll see you in a title match sometime in the future.

Thriller

What I liked most about the RP – I liked the history between Phoenix and all of his different opponents that he’ll be facing in the match.

What I liked least about the RP – While I appreciated the simple setting, I felt there was more you could have done with the scenery to make it feel like Phoenix was truly in a state of solitude.

Overall I felt that the RP was affective; had I liked the metaphor towards the end. One path leads to success, an exit; the other leads to failure, which might get him lost in the woods.

 

[GI Cake]

JAM (Daniel Dela Cruz)

First off, the title is kinda strange. If the title is called "Story of My Life" I would expect it to be told by the person himself. It just seems redundant. But the RP itself isn't that bad, considering it is your first RP ever. The RP's direction is pretty sound and the setting is okay considering all things. But the RP itself missed a huge portion that is important, and that is a promo on who you are facing. You acknowledge you are facing Armstrong, but we didn't get a chance on getting to know how Cruz feels about Armstrong, the differences between Cruz and Armstrong, or how you plan on beating him on your debut.

Just focus on improving and fleshing out Cruz as a character. Your writing is sound and is very unique. If you learn how to blend in a promo, and character growth, you will be a main-stay in WZCW in no time.

 

[GI Cake]

Black Dynamite (Joe West)

First off, this is an improvement from last week, you are taking steps forward in your RP's and slowly becoming better. But you are still quite a ways away from legit contenders to the tag titles. But you can see the effort on your part in improving your RP's and Joe West as a character.

The Dialog felt a bit off. The transitions felt forced, strange or flat out not even there. Even at parts where Maria would speak up and cut West off. Why would Maria cut West off when he spoke? Also the setting was really confusing. Then again, it is odd how a new-comer to WZCW like West has his own private airliner. But this part really irked me.

A long set of stairs opens up at the entrance door slowly letting out to ground. Joe West steps out of the plane, wearing sunglasses and a black Armani suit. Takes a look at the West Airlines logo on the side of the Jet and lets out a slight chuckle and grin. But soon loses both as he see’s Becky Serra and a camera man waiting at the entrance of the airport.

At first I thought West would have been met by Maria then taken to Becky for an interview. But then the scene does a complete 360 and I am seeing West standing at an Airport gate. It was simply confusing.

Where did West get this extreme amounts of wealth? My character, Runn got his first taste at wealth due to his family. That is something I made clear throughout my RP's. But West seems just to grow money out of his ass. Giving away diamond bracelets and owning his own limo and private Jet. I doubt even Main-Event guys like Big Dave and Ty Burna own their own Private Jet. Also, your description can use a lot of work.

Also, your Promo was not all that effective in portraying his character. Someone as insecure as West wouldn't have just opened up and spilled the beans to the public because he paid some agent a lot of money. If anything it didn't come off as a cowardly heel but a sad face.

The interaction with Bull was strange. Why would West get offended if Bull was flirting with his agent? You gave us no reason to think West and Maria share a emotional connection. And Bull's new direction seems to have come from nowhere. I thought Bull was a Hollywood kid who manipulated people to get what he wants. Naturally I thought Bull would appeal to West's ego and use him to win the Tag Team Titles. But it seems he became a tiny, angry heel. Brock Lesnar without the muscle.

Oh yeah, please learn the difference between "your" and "You're." That is just a minor grammar error like "Alot" And your "There" "Their" and "They're." This little things annoy the hell out of me. As I am sure they annoy the members of creative.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Jam/Daniel Dela Cruz
I think it was a solid but generic debut. I like how you set up some future potential stories about being Filipino and the pride you have, as well as wanting to impress your dad. I shouldn't be commenting on grammar and spelling this week as I was off big time but your mistakes were fairly minimal.

Going forward I would expand on things a bit. Even if you limit your RP to one or two events you can make it work if you are descriptive enough. You touched on your opponent, which was good, a lot of people fail to address that in their debut. You could expand on it a bit in the future though. Talk about why you think you can win the match, tell us how you feel about your opponent. So long as you stick with it you should improve. I see potential in what your future so long as you can expand on your character.

Overall, for a debut it was solid and I think you have a fair chance

Black Dynamite/Joe West
First off I want to say you made some solid improvements. It seems you took the advice people were giving you about Joe being too aggressive to heart. I like how you implemented the NPC keep him in check. The back story on Kings of Hate wasn't bad either.

While it works now I wonder if the constant fighting between West and Bull will keep working. I understand both guys have egos but in my opinion you will eventually have to get on the same page to appear to be a good team. Sticking with the fighting, the petty childish arguments work in small doses but I would try to stay away from making them the main interaction between them. I do wonder where Joe got his money. I would try to address it in a future RP if you want him to continue to throw his money around.

Overall I think you made some of the best individual improvements this round, I applaud you. You still have room to improve, as we all do, but if you continue to grow you will go places. Not everyone has RPed for your match yet but I can't count you out this week

Pancake/Ricky Runn
I got a sneak peak of the RP earlier this week when you were looking for ideas and I thought it was good then. Your ending was pretty good, and solidified it as another solid effort on your part. Lately you have been doing a good job with Ricky's emergence from sidekick to legit star. You aren't rushing it and its working very well. The dialogue with Ricky and Rachael was again very good, nothing new there.

I really don't have any major gripes. I dislike Kanye but I can't hold that against you.

Where ever Ricky ends up, be it a singles star or a mainstay in the tag division with Reynolds or a new partner, you have a great basis for continuing his journey. Even if you and I didn't get along I would still enjoy the character and you consistent solid rps. You are a great contributor to everything WZCW related and have been a big help to me in my young career here. I think its a testament to RRRs RP ability that we used you as the inspiration for Strikeforce's tandem style

I have some laundry I need to get done but after that I will get to Numbers, Milenko, Kid Horror and Harthan if his rp is up

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Part 2

Kid Horror/Justin Cooper
I liked your RP this week. I mentioned it last round as well, but I really feel like you have a good grasp on Justin. Everything seems natural, nothing he says really seems forced. His actions flow just as well. It all comes together nicely.

I liked the idea and concept of this RP but I was a little let down with the end. I expected a bigger payoff with the replica belt, though mocking Everest's catch phrase brought it back up to a decent level. Your spelling and grammar weren't major, most of them were simply words that auto correct and spell check don't pick up.

Overall I liked it. I'm interested to see the next chapter in High Society's book, and interested in where Justin goes from here. You haven't let losing the Mayhem Title derail you much and I fully expect you to be back in championship contention soon

Numbers/Austin Reynolds
First off I want to say that while I don't interact with you as much as Pancake, I still enjoy your character and your style. It was a big inspiration in how Shotaro and I format Strikeforce's RPs, and so far it was gotten us positive praise. This week was another terrific effort on your part. You do a good job of showing that doubt is starting to creep into Reynolds mind about his age and RRRs future status, but not letting it bring you or the team down. I also got a shout out this week, which I love, so thank you for that.

I know Ech said it as well but the green on green was kind of hard to read. The only real grammar mistakes I noticed were minor ones, like leaving an "s" off words that are plural. Its nothing that takes away from the RP though.

If you and Pancake keep up what you have going it will be hard to beat. It honestly makes me wonder how I can step up my own game in the event we face off at KC

Milenko/Hunter Jackson
I really enjoy your character and the potential it has. After reading your RP last week I was excited for this week. To be honest I feel let down. You did touch on things that needed to be touched on, last weeks match, the sudden formation of a new team, the upcoming match, but all of it was done at the lowest level of detail.

When I read about Master Feng I thought there was great potential in the character, and there still is, but you didn't do much to explore him this week. The grammar was sub-par as well.

Overall I feel like you rushed it this week, maybe it was in anticipation of Mania, I know writing my RP that night didn't do me any favors. Whatever the reason I feel the entire RP was a step back. Hopefully you step it back up for KC

Harthan/Drake Callahan
Harth, you always have good advice for me, I only hope I can do the same for you. I like the interaction between Drake and Kate. It was fun to read. I also enjoy the jokes and lightheartedness in the dialogue. Maybe its because Stormrage has childish moments when I write as well but Drake's attitude and demeanor is fun, I enjoy it. Joe is also a riot, I found myself giggling and smiling a lot while reading his lines. You have an excellent grasp of NPCs.

My one and only gripe is some of the phrases you used are cliched. Honestly though, there isn't much wrong with that. They are cliches because more often than not they work.

This was a terrific RP all around.

 

[Shotaro]

Here's some Aftershock themed feedback...

Joseph Greaves (#1 Peep) - A good into to your character. I like the formatting actually, it's nice and simple and since you are the only one talkings it's really effective. Your descriptions are pretty effective too. Overall a really good debut RP.

Calling the Match - God knows, it remains to be seen what your opponent produces.

Jason Armstrong (The Bearded One) - Overall it's an effective RP. The dialogue works, the descriptions are effective. One thing that irked me a little, is the inconsistency of referring to his ex. Sometimes it's his ex-wife, other times its his wife. I have to echo Echelon's comments too. If she cared as little as you tried to portray she wouldn't have listened to a lengthy conversation. She would cut him off or just hang up. The other thing I would say is during a phone call, either the other voice can be heard and would require dialogue, or can't be heard at all and so you would just see his reactions. I'm nitpicking because your RP was good, another strong debut.

Daniel Dela Cruz (JAM) - It's short. It's really short. That's not necessarily a failure but you need to make sure your RPs are straight to the point and not a word is wasted (the same is true for long RPs but even more so for ones that are only just to big to fit on my monitor. For this RP I think you suceeded to an extent. You do a decent job of getting things across without stating them outright. Also, don't be afraid to use "he" rather than writing Dela Cruz all the time. It's a nitpick I know but I think it's worth raising, it just makes things flow that little bit better. Three strong debut RPs in a row.

Hollywood Jameson (Dragon Saga's Bitch/Talon) - I know I'm not the first to say it, and I likely won't be the last, but you've not really written Chuck Myles right, he's a face right now but more by circumstance than attitude, he would not put up with the way your character spoke to him. But it's your first RP, I can forgive you for that. I hate to repeat myself but It's short. It's really short. It does infact fit on my monitor all in one go. I like the idea that Tyrus is your silent enforcer, though I think it would be nice to see you get yourself into trouble with some heel antics and then have your enforcer step in to get you out of it.

(Second paragraph - get you!) I also think your RP was a little bland and generic. It could've been so much better if you'd put a little more swagger into it. Sorry if you feel like I'm nagging you by the way but some of your sentences don't make a whole lot of sense. For example: Chuck walks into the limousine finally. The black limo drives off with Chuck, the entourage, & most importantly, Hollywood Jameson, all now wondering what the futures of WZCW & themselves shall look because of this day.

Should be:

Finally Chuck gets into the limo. As it drives off you can almost hear it's passengers thinking about the future. What does the future hold for WZCW and more importantly, Hollywood Jameson.

Finally an hour is not a good time to spend on an RP. If you'd spent even half an hour more I'm sure you would've noticed some of the grammatical errors you made. I know I've been pretty negative in your feedback but I would rather tell you what you can improve on than give you feedback that's nigh worthless for you.

Shaolin Jacks (Milenko and NSL) - Since you guys are now a team, it would be nice to see more interaction between you in your RPs. I get why you haven't but it would still be a good way to solidify your team.

Milenko, I think this is an improvement on your last RP, especially since you managed to avoid using the same phrase over and over. I like the use of Master Feng, I think he adds something to your character quite significantly.

NSL, I can tell that you've managed to punch a hole in your writer's block. I liked the use of Klamour, especially the fact that you walked away rather than lashing out. It works, and it shows real development of your character.

For the other tag teams I'm gonna wait until your partner has posted their RP.

 

[JamJam]

Joseph Greaves
Well Peep, your skills in the Book This section was certainly put on display here. First of all, I love that you're using the Georgia font so it makes me wanna read it for sure. Your character of an angry Australian seems to be pretty common. What I mean by common is an international star mad at the United States. However, your RP was pretty damn good if you ask me. If people want to learn how to do their debut RP, they should read this.

Jason Armstrong
My opponent, Mr. Armstrong. I gotta say that a lot has happened in your debut RP, which isn't really a bad thing but maybe you could have saved it for later on. I like that you've given your character plenty of routes to go for your next RP. You could go into more detail on the wife situation, the son situation, or how you blew it in the first place. So job well done on your RP.

Mikey Stormrage
Well this is my first time reviewing for you, reviewing in general actually so yeah. Pretty funny with the whole pony things, those were humorous. Your partnership with your tag team partner is pretty funny as it seems he doesn't like you that much but that changes in the end. Probably just fix up on some grammar and some punctuations and you'll be good to go.

James Howard
Now this was an awesome RP. The way you and Mikey interacted was perfect. I like your use of your lady friends in this. And damn, they know about wrestling, you gotta stick with them, haha. Anyway, really good RP Shotaro, one of the best that I've read so far. But, I haven't read many to be honest. I got a laugh out of Mikey playing Temple Run and Rose kicking him in the shin, ouch. I know how that feels, haha. I like your combo of Mikey who is the funny one but can be serious and you who gets the team in line.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Ricky Runn

I really liked this RP. The dream sequence in the beginning was a good foreshadowing of what mat or may not happen and it was really enjoyable to read. The dialogue between Ricky and Rachael felt natural and that's a good thing. The mention of the pressure of being champions and mentioning all the new teams being formed was also a very nice touch. Like others have said regardless if your in a tag team or singles competitor you have quite a future ahead of you with great RP's like this. Not much I could find wrong with it.

Mikey Stormage

I love your character and tag team. Besides the tag champs I think you and Shotaro and probably the best the team in the division right now. The more I read over it the more you and Howard seem like a really good mix of characters. Some grammar mistakes but nothing major. Like Harthan said a while back I also too got the feeling that you were just milking the ponies but once again it wasn't something major enough to ruin this RP. Really enjoyed this. Hope to see you and partner in the ring real soon.

 

[The Talon]

Black Dynamite: I'll be short & sweet here, I definitely enjoyed it. It was very detailed in how you described Kings Of Hate, their motives & their plans. The ending was also very nice & the whole RP had a somber tone to it. Great work.

B+

 

[Bernkastel]

Here is another batch of feedback for you guys on Meltdown...

Showtime

What I liked most about the RP – The WZCW game show; brilliant and hilarious.

It would seem like business is really about to pick up for David. I like the foreshadowing of the angst he feels behind his partnership with Ty, and the titular leader making an appearance on The Show to play the devil’s advocate was a nice touch. This will be an important week for Cougar, and I’m really excited to see where things go from here.

Barbosa

What I liked most about the RP – the way you format your work really complements your fast moving dialogue and thought patterns.

I thought this RP was going to be something of a comedy, as most other superstars are rather put off by Barbosa, but you kept it really simple. So simple that all Dragon and Barbosa really did was smoke with each other and trade nods; I thought the symbolism was effective. Good job this round.

Diamond Dallas Page/Doc

What I liked most about the RP – The whole piece just seemed to flow really smoothly from start to finish.

Although I was initially disappointed with the lack of development from last week regarding Sabotaur, I sense he and Saxton are planning something enormous. I suppose there was some foreshadowing being done with Saxton not going into too much detail about the Tag champs [not sure if you necessarily meant to do that,] but I’ll have to wait till next week to find out for sure.

CP Munk

What I liked most about the RP – I think you’re really beginning to write Scumm’s turn affectively. A turn opens the door for plenty of new ideas.

What I liked least about the RP – I had some problems connecting with some of the emotions going on within the narration. I think that it’s important to be emotional during a face turn because faces usually wear their hearts on their sleeves; if not on the outside, than on the inside.

I thought the idea behind the RP with the Q and A was rather clever. I would rather not see Scumm chase the Mayhem title anymore; I think that part of his career has run its course. I want to see him move on to bigger and better things. Good job this round.

Baller

What I liked most about the RP – I like this new “Your Highness” persona of Baller’s; I think it needs some tweaking but you’ve really taken this ball and ran with it [no pun intended.]

What I liked least about the RP – the narration seemed to be a bit stale to me; in fact, there was next to none in the second half, just dialogue.

Aside from your new persona I liked the foreshadowing Baller’s feelings on Ty Burna and the team match at Kingdom Come. It seems as though just about everyone in the company is now split on what they think might happen, and who they want to see win for X reason. Well done.

 

[Harthan]

Kid Horror/Justin Cooper

*Minor grammar notes. Proper use of semicolons is warranted, for example: "Silently Cooper is memorized by his possession, what it is must be of a great value." The separate sentences should be separated with a semicolon, not a comma. Not a big deal, but you know, I do love me some proper grammar (he said ironically).
*Your heresy against the great Hatchiyama Manzo will not be tolerated! Just kidding. I loved the throwback references and history in your piece. Content as a whole is great here and it's a pretty edgy piece. You're referencing the meta-narrative which is something I dig a lot. My only gripe is the ending which felt somewhat disconnected from the piece as a whole. The sudden scene shift, the disconnect from talking about Everest...it was a little "meh" for me.
*A couple of typos here and there but good overall. One thing was the use of the word "memorized" where I assume you meant "mesmerized". Not a lot overall though, which is good. Proofreading in general looks solid.

Verdict: No major complaints and solid content overall make me a happy man. It's a good job all around. A-

Pancake/Ricky Runn

*Dream sequence as a whole is excellent if a tad cliche (but who am I to talk, really). What you're intimating is pretty obvious and I'm definitely interested. Exploring Ricky's subconscious is a very intriguing avenue to go down, considering that he is probably not in the best of mental health to start with.
*Writing started to get awkward a little ways in. "“Well what is Austin going to benefit from stabbing me in the back? Come Kingdom Come, he is contemplating retirement, or maybe. Thing is, why would he want to storm out of WZCW with digging a knife in my back?” Seems like you just forgot words, or used the wrong ones, a couple of times. Given your last couple of days I get that, but keep an eye on it in the future.
*I like the content on the whole thought it lacked much in the way of action or progression. It's all pretty straightforward, something of a recap piece almost...but that's not the right word. Like you're laying out ground work. Obviously the thing about a tag team match is that you get to pair up two RPs to accomplish different things. I feel like this RP was sort of a gathering together of everything that's happened to Ricky so far (with extensive referencing back to the debut, feuding with MOM, etc.) and laying out his current situation, which works well in context with where you're going and paired up with Reynold's piece. Something with a bit more meat to it might be in order in the future (not that you've ever demonstrated a problem with that).
Verdict: Solid piece with no major complaints. You're a champion for a reason. A-

Numbers/Austin Reynolds
*"I have some more tingling in my hands that I’m worried about..." Thought this line was interesting. Given the things that have been intimated in your RPs I'm wondering if this isn't a plot thread for the future. If it is, kudos on subtlety. If I'm reading too much into it...well, that happens.
*I dig the almost diary/journalistic style you have going on. I continue to be impressed with various people's ability to do slight variations on first person narration that really changes the piece and flavors the content. Love it.
*I like the piece's content but it felt like it was a little lacking. I guess I kind of expected you to follow up on Ricky's piece with a more actiony one. Just like Ricky's, this was a mostly static location with some memory flashbacks included. I thought maybe you missed an opportunity to create a different flavor RP from Ricky's and let them meld together. For example, you kind of "tell" instead of "show" as far as Ricky admiring Saxton/Sabs goes. Perhaps you could have incorporated that into a training scene, with Ricky imitating the pair's antics and suggesting ways to mimic them in the ring, which might have led to Reynolds snapping and continuing the thread of tension you're both weaving. Something along those lines, you know?
Verdict: If I was harsher on this piece than I was to Pancake's, it's only because yours came second and I don't know that I can expect to evaluate a true tag team's second RP out of context with the first. I have no complaints about what is here, only felt like it didn't go as far as it might have. B+

(A note about grading: They're meant to be context specific. A rookie's B on Aftershock is different from a veteran's B on Meltdown, and so on, since, if you will, the "assignments" are different. Don't read too much into them beyond the individual match and its own specific context.)

 

[GI Cake]

Hollywood Jameson (Dragon Saga's Bitch) :

First things first, I have a huge gripe with your first piece of feedback to BD. Their really wasn't much feedback to it and was pretty much spam. If you wish to provide feedback, try giving reasons on what they did right, and what they did wrong. It just irks me you would think that would actually help BD get better or worse.

Does anyone miss the good ole days where we had to earn contracts in battle Royals? Where only a few people were actually added to the roster if they RP'd well enough. It took me two tries to finally earn my keep in the roster. And it kept people like Mike Killiam and Nightmare out of the Fed who obviously wouldn't stay in the long run.

Not that I am saying you are going to be a quick burnout. But it was a motivator for guys like me and Sanka to improve and write better. Something you can really use.


Also, your character screams generic. And generic isn't bad by any means. But unless you expand upon his character I don't see him being anywhere near the meaning of interesting. Seriously, like Harthan said, you have a great gimmick with "Wannabe A-Lister" when I read that in your App, I was thinking your starting RP would have been in coach seating on some second rate airline. It had some serious potential, but it completely fell short.

You and BD share one thing in common is that you are both cocky heels with immense amounts of wealth with seemingly no real way of obtaining it. I doubt a wannabe would have tons of money unless he is a total momma's boy. It just seem so out of place.

Now a good RP doesn't have to be long, epics like Ty's or Harthan's. But if you are going to make a short one, cover all of your bases. You need to give a promo on who you are facing, grow and groom your character. And make it interesting enough to read.


Everyone has a bad first step, even more so if this is your first attempt at an E-Fed. I had a rocky start character wise which lead to me completely re-vamping my character and trying something completely different. Don't let a bad first RP drag you down or deflate your excitement for your first match. A match you are most likely going to win to the fact you are in a match with someone who isn't going to show up.

(If you want to see how bad my first RP was, feel free to look here.)

http://forums.wrestlezone.com/showthread.php?t=174719

 

[JamJam]

Celeste Crimson
You wrote about three different segments in which Celeste was a big part of and I believe that you succeeded in transitioning. Your transitions and dialog were flawless. Although some minor grammar mistakes, about one or two that I actually found. I like how you've compared Celeste then and now. To a newcomer in WZCW, that would have been beneficial to read, so kudos to you for that. Overall, a really good RP. Girl power! Lol.

Hollywood Jameson
Hello fellow newcomer to WZCW. Your RP felt a little rushed which is contributed to it's length. But what do I know since mine is too. However, your intro made me not like you already, which is a good thing since you're a heel. However, maybe if you searched up Chuck Myles more, then you could have written a better RP. However, I think that it was cool to see that maybe Myles made a mistake signing you. Could be a good storyline with you constantly bickering him. All in all, good effort. Looks like we both gotta learn.

Justin Cooper
What a dark promo from Cooper. The idea of a High Society is pretty interesting too. Your idea of using a replica belt showing memories of Everest's past was brilliant. However, you were kind of redundant when you were explaining why Everest's reign wasn't relevant now. Knowing your Book This skills, I was surprised to see some mistakes but I'm sure you'll make up for that next time. Still, a good RP from Cooper nonetheless.

Hunter Jackson
Your character is pretty interesting Milenko. I've actually studied Buddhism and know quite a lot about them. I was kinda disappointed that you didn't really get into the details of it but that's fine. An appearance from Master Feng was what you really needed here. It was kind of like a master/protogé moment which I thought was pretty awesome. Some mistakes in grammar but that's just me nitpicking. All in all, a pretty good RP. I also think that Brian Kendrick is a perfect character for a Buddhist character, I don't know why

Jackson Skinner
I think you and Milenko's character balance each other out. I like your emphasis on you guys being a team which is why you won the match. This RP shows that Skinner is dedicated to being on top and working well with his partner to achieve success. Looks like this team will be out to get those tag team championships, watch out!

Joe West
My favorite part of this RP has to be the bringing in of Maria. Maria seems like a good manager for the Kings of Hate, which is a pretty cool name to be honest. It seems that she has lit a fire under both of them. I like how West talked a lot about his opponents, giving us reasons as to why they'll be successful and why the other teams will simply fail. I've read your previous RP when West went ballistic on Leon, and this RP was miles better than that so kudos for improving a whole lot.

The Beard
Hahaha, now this was a fun RP. Beard and TLT compliment each other nicely. I like how Beard says that they're unknowns so that gives them the advantage over the other two teams. That line where you said that TLT was in his ring gear made me chuckle, typical Theo. Well good RP overall, looks like this match is gonna be a tough one.

 

[Bernkastel]

More feedback for those of you that have RP'd for Aftershock...

Theo

What I liked most about the RP – I really liked the enthusiasm that you put into the piece. And you did a good job with the narration.

What I liked least about the RP- I have a hard time judging The Beard’s personality. Last week he seemed to be more sophisticated, but this week he seemed to be more eccentric and compulsive.

Overall I thought that the RP was a good read. I liked the diner idea, and you seem to have Crock’s character down pretty well. BLT already looks like an impressive team.

Crock Flair

What I liked most about the RP – I liked the strategy play going on between Local Talent and The Beard.

What I liked least about the RP – I felt the RP lacked narration in the second half, especially when the two were talking strategy.

I liked the scene in the middle when the teammates were lifting weights; a bit of development for the two is always good. Good job this round.

Talon

What I liked most about the RP – I liked the enthusiasm; it was a valiant first try.

What I liked least about the RP – Both Myles and Jameson personalities seemed to flip flop constantly; Myles started out happy to see Jameson, then acted like he wanted nothing to do with him. Jameson started out cocky, and then became apologetic.

Keep trying, and don’t get discouraged if this RP didn’t turn out how you liked it. Also; don’t forget to talk about your opponents and current storyline.

Marquel

What I liked most about the RP – The dialogue and narration were both very smooth, and the transitions were clear.

I couldn’t really find anything that I didn’t like about the piece; I thought the whole thing was solid. I thought a little more info about the nature of Marquel’s speech probably would have been great. I liked the character development as well; you haven’t failed to disappoint me yet. Keep up the good work.

Sanka

What I liked most about the RP – The character development is nice. Glad to see Ace hasn’t lost his edge after losing the Mayhem title.

What I liked least about the RP – The opening felt a little dry to me, especially since you were transitioning from The Best’s RP.

Overall I thought this was a good RP; it really sounds like you are moving forward with Ace. Tag teaming doesn’t sound like his thing, but he’s at least willing to play ball with his fellow Brooklyn native. Great job this round.

 

[Bernkastel]

Here is the rest of the feedback for those of you appearing on Meltdown...

Michigan

What I liked most about the RP – I love Everest’s enthusiasm; practically unmatched by anyone else on the roster.

Good RP this round; about what I expect from a tenured veteran as yourself. Everest’s pride is on the line. There’s no denying the man’s legacy, but there are many younger superstars who are now on the rise. Everest is now out to prove he’s still got what it takes to reach the top again.

Gelgarin

What I liked most about the RP – As always your descriptive narration is amazing. For forgetting to proofread, your first draft must have been polished.

I really liked the fact that the first part of the RP was a mirrored version of Barbosa’s. I felt it really shows the contrast between the two characters; the whole encounter seems mundane to Dragon while Barbosa’s mind might as well be filled a legion of personalities complete with racing thoughts of their own. It would seem as if Dragon is struggling with two separate parts of his consciousness; the part that he wants to be, and the part he feels he needs to be in order to take Burna out. I’m really looking forward to reading what you come up with next.

Ty Burna

What I liked most about the RP – I liked that you changed the format for your descriptive narration. It is much easier to read this round.

Loving the development between Ty and David, with Ty further playing the devil’s advocate; the suspense is almost maddening. A temporary alliance between the two rivals has reached an accord for now, but where does it go? That’s probably the biggest question anyone can ask. Excellent RP this round.

 

[Shotaro]

Remaining Aftershock Feedback

The Kings of Hate (Black Dynamite and Aweome_Miz): Your gimmicks fit together pretty well to a large extent, but you guys need to communicate more. Although you are now an actual tag team, neither of you really act like it in your RPs, nor on twitter, which is supposed to be kayfabe. Even though you're heels, you are still supposed to be on the same page. Also given the differences in your RPs and the fact that they were posted several days apart, I would guess you guys didn't talk about your RPs much between yourselves.

BD: Your RPs are improving. I'd read some of your RP before, but on the whole you do an OK job of introducing the team to others.

AM: you, need to, look, at, your usage, of, commas. Think of them as pauses for breath. Other than that you need to be careful with your RP. How can you put Bull and West over as a team when you spend a full half of your RP bickering?

BLT (Theo Westside and Crock Flair): You both have a really great handle on each other's characters and that helps a great deal, I like the idea that you guys are the unknown quantity in the match and that gives you your edge.

TW: I like the idea of you breaking Kayfabe in your RP, until you realise there are people who recognise you from just one appearance, I got a chuckle out of that whole section. You write TLT really well too.

CF: You and Theo are both producing RPs that get the point across but are also quite funny. It works. I like the way TLT wants to talk tactics and plan how to outwit the opponents. It's a good way to show his experience without shoving it down our throats.

 

[JamJam]

Darren Bull
Hmm, I'm not really sure about this RP. It seems like you and West aren't really a tag team. However, there were some good elements in your RP too. There was some symbolism in the place where you were interviewed where you'd defy the odds once more, that was good. Also, a lot of grammar mistakes, but no one is perfect. There was also some trouble with formatting. There's a portion where the size of the text is not the same as the others. Overall, not a bad RP but not a great one either.

Everest
For some reason, I felt like it was Ric Flair talking during this RP. Now that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It was probably because you both told a really good story in your RP. Anyway, this is the basic proven new guy vs. the veteran RP and they were both great reads. Not a lot of stuff happening in your RP but you talking, but that was good. Maybe add in a little more emotions in there. Good read here man.

Stevenson Marquel
I like the whole setting and dynamic of this RP. Very good taking advantage of Marquel's character. Having him speak to people who were once like is excellent. When you mentioned Tupac, I wasn't sure where you were going with this but as the RP went on, it made perfect sense. That rap at the end was pretty good too. This should be a really good match up between these three teams.

Ace Stevens
I like that your RP was a continuation of Marquel's own. That shows that you both were planning something which is what good tag team partners are supposed to be. Even if your characters aren't fond of each other, I think you guys will work it out in the end. I like the character of your assistant. He just adds more to your character. Stevens's jackass-ness was on full display here making the RP pretty good.

Mr. Baller
To me, that scene in the flea market didn't really scream KING. While you did have that part about the crown, it just didn't seem king-like. However, the interview with Leon saved you here as you finally got your point across. I like the touch of a past match which shows you that you are now what you once were. But anyway, another good RP. Everyone seems to have a handle on their RP's. One last thing, you could have benefited by talking about your other opponents other than Celeste, it would've helped a newcomer like me.

Steven Holmes
What a dark promo here by Mr. Holmes. I didn't like it when you said that it was okay for Triple X to defeat you but not Dave, that was kinda weird. Anyway, this whole tidal wave metaphor was worked to perfection as it simply meant that you're going to destroy you and not “purify” or “save” or whatever. Simple, yet effective RP. Good job Funkay.

Johnny Scumm
Well it looks like your character has just undergone a change in attitude Scumm which was evident in this interview with Kensworth. I like that you bring up the past for you and for your opponent Holmes. Again, it gives knowledge to the newcomers like me. A few mistakes in grammar here as well as punctuation but overall a good RP.

 

[GI Cake]

Aweome_Miz (Darren Bull) ((Kings of Hate))

Like I said to Black Dynamite, I congratulate you guys on joining the tag team division. And because of teams like you, the division is growing into a tough, competitive, division. You and Dynamite are improving, but still are falling short in a lot of areas.

First off, you guys said in the discussion thread that you two PM'd one another to discuss your plans for your first tag team, but not only did you guys post several days apart, their really isn't anything bridging the RP's together other than Miz's ending to his. When I was still a newcomer in WZCW, and trying to make my way in the Tag Team Division, I read a lot of the Forgotten Power's RP's and saw what they did to be a winning team. They always used a similar theme or used a similar style to write their RP's. Even other teams in your match up, B.L.T and the Shaolin Jacks did it much better than you guys. The Jacks simply used continuation, and B.L.T told the same story at different angles. Which are both very effective. You guys have two RP's to get your point across, next time, please use them both effectively.

Now the actual RP itself wasn't bad. But it really jumps around a lot without any real flow or direction to it. Plus the content was very scattered, you guys are a tag team that hate each other. That makes no sense, how could you possibly work together to achieve a common goal if you are at each others throats every waking moment? How can you work together and become Tag Team Champs when you can't even share small talk without insulting each other? It just simply doesn't make sense, and it comes out of no where. Another thing, I hate the descriptive dialog being used as (sarcasm) or (angry) feels like lazy writing and it takes away from the overall RP. And the colors were way to similar and were all over the place. Why did you give two different shades of blue to the two characters that would share a conversation with one another?

 

[GI Cake]

Drake Callahan (Harthan)

First off, I thank you for taking your time to give out feedback. As a creative member, it is obvious that your opinions on RP's are more important than anyone else's. So props for that, my man.

You do a great job painting the setting for your RP's. I always get a strong idea on where your RP is and what is happening in it. And your dialog also does a brilliant job in continuing your RP and keeping it forward. And I really enjoy reading your RP's. My only real complaint can be that you don't do as much promo as I would hope on who you are facing, but your solid bit on Blade left me content.

Fantastic job dude, keep up the good work.