RP Feedback Thread

[Steamboat Ricky]

Rush - KFAD

Hype start! Hellllllz yeah!!!! I like my RPs to have this kind of shit. Let's see if the hype is empty though...

Shit people. "Physique" is what you mean when you refer to your body. "Physic" is the singular of "physics."

Filthy pirate mentioning? Fuck yeah.

I've never been a big fan of listing opponents and having a paragraph of shit-talking about each. It's never really been interesting to me. Why should I care more about your instead of less about their characters? That's what I want to know.

Who in the hell are these legends? I don't mind you listing them...but please let me know who they are.

Good, good ending. I liked that part.

Overall: The middle just seemed dead to me. "Hey, so and so fucking sucks and is a piece of shittttttt." I mean that's what it equates to when I read it. It's like, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch wrestling sucks and heres some shit about my opponents then, oh yeah, i'm going to fucking relegitimize wrestling. Yet, you talk about how you have survived because you have evolved, and then you proceed to talk about how you succeed because you stick to your old school ways. How is that evolution? And I kind of don't dig the whole openly breaking kayfabe kind of thing. I mean, if your character is all about beating the shit out of people in a stiff fashion, don't you want kayfabe to be well in-tact? Seems kind of contradictory.

I like the old-school character trying to cement his name in history look, but I just couldn't get into the whole of the RP. And I would like a little more explanation on how the hype intro meshes with the rest of the product.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Baller - KFAD

Loving this "grapes" bit. Hilarious. Bahahahahaha. This exchange with your brother is great. I'm definitely loving it.

Not liking the mom part as much. But you spelled physique correctly, which is a big plus.

I kind of got disinterested at the monologue with mother. Your character seems to have taken a kind of swing from a cocky hilarious heel to a whiny guy who never got what he had coming to him. Both are good heel genres, but it would have been nice to see you stick to one or the other. I prefer former.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Drake Callahan - KFAD

Harthan, this is way too fucking long. I dread reading this.


Good first section. Why are they sleeping separately?

Second section was good as well, not as good as the first. You have some fucked up creativity to be a die-hard atheist. Alas, I am still dreading reading the rest of this. So....long. It makes me hate you.

Dude, you are like Numbers used to be in describing every fucking detail. Let the reader imagine. This would cut down on a lot of the unnecessary length.


Harthan, this is a DAMN good RP. Incredible character development, etc. But, the length kills me. I skipped the monotonous details and poured over the dialogue and other narrative pieces. But some of it just seems unnecessary. This would have been a 9.5/10 if it wasn't for the length. So, so good.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Le Gentleman Masque - AF10

Bro. Excellent RP. I'm loving your character, here. It had a very Rickyesque witty humor about it. And GREAT use of Leon. Leon is meant to be used in such a fashion, and it's a shame that many do not use him as such.

I really don't have much to critique, except maybe the obligatory "here's what my opponent has done," but I can also see that having a place. Could it be stronger? I'm certain it could...I just don't know how at this point. For what you were trying to do, I think you achieved that exceptionally.

A very humorous character that, I must say, stands to have a promising future in WZCW. Keep up with this particular character development, and you could see yourself challenging on the midcard very soon.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Hunter Jackson - AF10

Aftershock people...why is it so necessary to remind everyone that you are NOT on the Kingdom Come card? It is true, you are not on the card, but since you aren't on the card, perhaps you could focus merely on the circumstances in which you find yourself. Asking why you aren't on the Kingdom Come card does nothing to get you over, IMO. Take that for what it's worth.

Wait, so now you are fine with not being on the Kingdom Come card? You should have picked one way or the other, Milenko. I think we discussed this in my last feedback. Have confidence in yourself. If you don't have confidence in yourself....fake it. That's how you get over.

Milenko...obligatory "list shit about your opponent" seems out of place. Your sensei is telling you to find inner peace. So why are you looking at the external? If you want to continue with the pseudo-Buddhist/Taoist/Far-Eastern religious gimmick, then I would do some research on meditation and how it fits into these eastern religions. I didn't just know all about pirating when I decided to create my character. It's something I had to research along the way.

Shockingly, I found this RP to be too short. I don't really know what the overall message was that you were trying to get across, but it eluded me. Milenko, if you want to go far with your character, I would watch YouTube endlessly, looking at how characters develop themselves through promos. Then, I would really sit down and think about what it is that your character stands for and what overall message you want to deliver through your character. If you don't know...then the audience sure as hell won't know, either.

 

[Shotaro]

Alex Bowen
- Good start
- Why does Bowen feel like an ancilliary character in this RP? I know it's a 5v5 match but you should focus on putting yourself over as a priority in your RP and doing it in a way that helps your teammates
- Well written in general but otherwise slightly disappointing

Steamboat Ricky
- YARR! I loves me some Pirates!
- Really funny
- Is Ricky supposed to be insane? I know Foley is the rep but I guess he's a major inspiration on the character too
- Also I love the idea of his pirate themed promotional deals Gasparrri nutrition made me laugh out loud

S.H.I.T.
- Sometimes the dialogue feels too organic, usually it's easy to imagine S.H.I.T. sounding like a robot but there are some lines here where it doesn't feel right
- The use of the rest of the apostles was a good idea, having them all hovering backstage like they were also queueing for their promos
- Not much to say here really, what I've come to expect, funny, well written, slightly unnerving

James King
- Gah! Doing so well then we hit monologue country (see sig)
- I like the idea of the playing cards, very clever
- How did Gordito fax Ty Burna? Was it ten years ago?
- The text was nicely broken up actually. No massive paragraphs of dialogue to digest without any description

Titus
- Brilliant
- I laughed all the way through this
- Got the point across but in a fun way
- Can't help but feel like as an RP it's a little out of place. Everyone elses RPs are at least a little serious


I'll try and get around to more RPs over the weekend but I'm exhausted.

 

[Baller]

Titus

In a match like this you have to make your RP stand out and you definitely did that. It was different and creative. I love how you talk up your team and show how great your team really is and how the Apostles have no chance. Again its different then the usual my opponents suck and we are going to win because we don't suck. Despite this being a comical RP, Titus truly understands how important it is for Team WZCW to win this match and save WZCW from The Apostles. This was one of my my favorites RPs as it was short and sweet and got the message across in a unique and fun way.

Steamboat Ricky

Ricky is one of my favorite characters in this fed, and feuding with you was an awesome experience. Anyway this RP is no different. It was short, fun, and entertaining throughout. Ricky using inanimate objects to symbolize his team was hilarious and I loved the Taco Bell bit trying to get a "Gordito". Similar to Titus in a comical way, Ricky understands how important this match is to the fate of WZCW. I didn't really like the ending to the RP, I understand what you were trying to get at but it came off rushed and a little underwhelming to be honest. Overall it was a good RP, not one of your best though.

 

[TBK]

Haha! Time for feedback!

Steamboat Ricky
-Yo, Cracking up all over this promo. Very funny.
-The character itself is very interesting and you're very into it.
-The style itself is very stand out from the rest, in a good way.
-Overall, a really fun promo. No real complaints as you got your character down and you know how to use him really effectively. I'm looking forward to reading more promos from you in the future.

 

[Lee]

First things first, feedback this round has been me being more harsh than normal. There's only so many times you can read “that was great” so here are some things I've noted. Take this as constructive criticism not me thinking bad of your RP/character, a lot of time and effort goes into these and something sucks when you spend a few hours to get feedback saying “it was shit”. Learn from feedback and improve on it the next show, that's the point.

Baller

• I get why Ian was in that role but having someone as 'royalty' call his brother peasant just seemed a bit off here.
• “I was going too” should be I was going to.
• The line with Ballers mother was odd. Rather than saying “What in the world do you think you are doing to my boy?” she would probably say “What in the world do you think you are doing to your brother”. At least that's what most moms I know would say.
• That being said the ending worked really well, the emotion of where Baller was to where he is now at no costs even above his family was brilliant and just what this match needs.

Johnny Scumm

• I love this true party scene, whilst they have been done to death I thought this one was really well written and a hell of a lot more natural than most.
• A small annoyance but the Alarm clock should have been a beep or a buzz, a ring is a phone noise.
• Another storyline that's done to death is the father thing, that being said this again seems to be different than others, rather than Johnny reaching out it's the father (more natural) and he wants to go to Kingdom Come. I loved that bit as it opens a few questions as to what his true motive is.

Darren Bull

• I think you need to use commas more.
• This line from Myles is horrible: “I’ve call you today, so I can inform you on what will you be doing come AF 10” it should be “I’ve called you today, so I can inform you on what you will be doing come AF 10”
• “Yeah. I was quiet shocked at your announcement.” Should be quite not quiet.
• Another “no good father” RP?
• “Is that you Bull over there?” should be “Is that you over there Bull?”
• The break your face line was not needed.
• You have a lot of work to do RP wise with regards to basic grammar/spelling. My suggestion is to have someone else read your RP before you post it, I know it helped me when I originally started.

I've not forgotten you Shotaro, feedback will be up this evening.

 

[Lee]

James Howard

• Great RP, this is actually one of the better RPs I've read in a long time.
• It was a very long RP but it kept me hooked from start to finish.
• The fan bit at the start was very natural.
• The third person way of doing the RP has been done by others, but you have it nailed on.
• My only gripe is how often Mikey's name is said. You use the word Mikey 57 times. Fifty Seven times. What about a he said or using his surname or something else?
• Great RP. I would be very surprised if the belts wern't yours by the end of KC.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Shotaro- Let me say this. I've never actually read one of your roleplays. Last round I had like no time to read anything. So this is a new thing for me. Let me say this. I like your style, for a long time it was just the same style I use. description, and promo. But with you, I can actually read a story. I like that alot.

Yellow text on this site is a no no. It's very hard to read. Just a little nit pick here.

Watch your formatting, &#8220;<I was twenty-four when the union dissolved, and it was a compliment you ignorant pig.>&#8221; You left your brackets there.

I like this whole Russian shit, I allways found russians to be cool. So points to you.

Great focus on people. I think that going over your opponets little by little, this early in the roleplay was a good idea. Everyone is looking at Austin Reynolds to hold the team down. Good job on making Ricky look as big as reynolds.

I got sort of confused when reading the part where you guys went from fighting to watching a video. It was a very quick turn, maybe you could slow it down a bit more? You have to really slow down your reading to get the point across. I'm a fast reader. But when I get into the "description" part of the video, I was like WTH just happened. I had to go back and read it a few times.

I like that you show your partner that video. It shows everyone watching what can be done. I know you wouldn't want to "hurt you partner. But play it up to the fans. You can be a loose cannon and still win high profile matches. I've made Alex Bowen off of that same thing. I will not stop untill you're done. I will not stop untill you give up. You played off Ricky as never giving up, willing to do anything. Well you have to be able to put across, and you did. That you'll run him into the ground. Keep that up.

I liked that you played off Mike being mad. And then your team coming back together stronger. Good stuff.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Steamboat Ricky​

When I finished writing my RP, I didn't feel like it was long enough so I went back, made a few changes and added more than what was needed. In the end, going back to make my RP longer, watered down that points that I wanted to stress. This is proof that RPs don't have to be long and drawn out in order to be a success. You got in, pushed the message you wanted, then got out.

Unlike my RP, adding to yours wouldn't have taken away from what you did have and I would have liked to see you expand a little more on the match and the stakes. It is a pretty big deal, after all.

I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it: Reading an RP with a character that stands out is miles ahead of reading one with a generic, cookie-cutter character that is constantly trying to show how big his dick is. There is no doubt that Ricky is an out of the box character.... probably with a big dick.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Crock-Not trying to be a dick to you bro, but I was laughing the whole time through your rp. Not at it, but at the image of Sam Smith saying that. Dude, you needed to do some buildup for that to stick and sink in with people.

You needed to build into Sam Smith saying that, that was just to much. It wasn't shock either. It was sort of, K? Have fun with that.

I guess it is coming off dickish, but you gotta know what I mean dude. You have a lot of room to work. But you have a lot of work to do with that. If you wanted to deliver, you should have done it some other way. Not even a slow burn build up. Just something, maybe one or two roleplays leading up to it. You were basically an uber heel, no matter what you want to say. That's one hell of a turn to try and run with. Good luck dude.

 

[Shotaro]

Phatso - all in all, a decent RP. I won't lie, I enjoyed it more than your KC RP, if only because it felt like the focus was on you a little more. I get what you were doing at KC with your RP and I get what you're doing here.

On a grammatical note "Might not of" it's not a thing.

Might not HAVE is a thing. It's becoming a depressingly common mis-spelling, the contraction "'ve" sounds like of I know, but it's still 've.

PROS
-you put yourself Front and centre here, and I don't feel like it was detrimental to your team
-the dialogue feels well written and natural if overly long (see CONS), admittedly I'm not as familiar with a lot of the roster as I'd like to be but nothing stood out as unusual

CONS
-aside from the 've/of thing mentioned above, there were a couple of grammatical errors
-Ty points at Bowen’s chest, as if pointing into your soul. This bit doesn't make sense, and reads really oddly. If he's pointing at Bowen's chest isn't he pointing into HIS soul? If he is pointing at MY soul, wouldn't he be pointing at the viewer?
-some of the dialogue feels overly long, they could possibly do with either beng broken down into paragraphs or being broken up with some description.
-it feels as though Ty does most of the heavy lifting here, though Bowen has his moments and is definately the focus of the RP. Burna is responding to Bowen's outbursts, it fits the character well, but again, it feels like you're using the stable as a crutch a little, and not letting your own character do the work.

I know my cons are mostly grammatical gripes, but overall it was a relatively solid RP.

 

[Shotaro]

S.H.I.T. - Joaquin's Cleft Lip

-Your RPs legitimately confuse me, is the guy in the cardboard aware that he's not actually a robot? It's difficult to tell, there have been moments in previous RPs that have broken the fourth wall too much if he isn't. At the same time if he is, and by extension we are, what in the hell is going on with those orbs?

Pros
-Good use of Alhazred
-Dialogue is short, snappy and to the point
-Very descriptive, I like being able to imagine the scene and your RP does this well

Cons
-watch out for your and you're, you get it wrong a couple of times (see video)
-Robots do not have minds, this brings me back to my point above. Are WE supposed to be aware that it isn't actually a robot? Is HE? You write most of the RP as though SHIT is actually a robot but then when you say something like "its mind" it shatters any suspension of disbelief (maybe it's just me but I would guess it isn't)
-You're in a 4v2 handicap match and yet there is only a passing mention of Ty Burna and Alex Bowen, whilst I understand what you are aiming for it just strikes me as unusual to not at least mention them a little more, after all they're not just your team-mates for this match. You're in a frigging stable with them. I know you don't like applying a "method" to your RPs and you're a good RPer for it. That doesn't mean you should actively avoid mentioning your stable mates beyond a name-check. I've noticed quite a few of the apostles do this a lot and whilst I get how difficult it would be to co-ordinate that many peoples RPs I think as a stable it would make you even stronger.

[youtube]32p8d6OudgU[/youtube]

(as a side note, when I was writing this feedback I always imagined Zoidberg saying robot when I was typing)

===========================

Darren Bull - Awesome_Miz

Pros
-You have improved a great deal since I last gave you feedback. Good job. With that in mind I'm going to focus on the negative.

Cons
-WHO IS TALKING IN BLUE? I knew by the end of it that it was Bull but his is the only voice you do not explicitly state is him
-Consider the poor, lonely comma. "Actually it was me" needs one, it makes more sense that way. It implies an emotion along with the words. Say it aloud, do you blurt it all out without taking a breath or do you pause after actually? Instinctively you'll pause unless it's matter of fact. In which case it helps to make that clearer. There are other examples but this was the first one I saw.
-Rules of grammar be damned if it's a long pause put in a full stop. It can also be used for dramatic effect and one word sentences are not some mortal sin.

"It can't be. It's you, dad."

It just reads strangely when you say it aloud, it feels flat and emotionless, consider this

"It... It can't be. Dad? Is that you?"

very similar but the second one has far more emotion attatched, Bull isn't a robot. Sometimes your dialogue makes him seem like one.
- What is going on with "What duh?!?" are you suddenly writing with a dialect? Be consistent if you are, saying it aloud it works well. Saying 'As the alarm sounded Darren groggily exclaims "What the" managing to stop just short of swearing.' you don't need the prose but it helps. Don't be afraid to describe things like tone of voice, it makes the story flow better and you can make it work really well if you just keep doing it. (Also writing with a dialect is not only hard to write, but can be hard to read. Seriously, go try to read anything by Irvine Welsh - who wrote trainspotting. Entirely in a glaswegian accent and damn near impossible to read for me.)
-Why include Chris? (It also isn't clear that the purple voice is him by the way) it seems like wasted dialogue and for only a single line it's a waste of the character too. The police officers served a purpose. I'm not sure that Chris does; removing his dialogue will not effect the RP at all.

I feel like I have been maybe a little harsh on you here. That being said I'm aware I've been too nice in my feedback in the past and I want you to improve - you've come on in leaps and bounds already since you joined so now it's possible to be really picky with your writing and pick apart the problems one by one.

 

[BK Styles]

Darren Bull (Awesome_Miz)

First point that came into my head was the dialogue. Shotaro touched on this a little already, primarily the 'Dad, it's you' line, which he is spot on with. There's nothing technically wrong with your dialogue, but at times it feels clunky, and it doesn't flow nicely. Like the reveal of Bull's dad in the chair; for me it gave itself away far too early. Build up to it subtly as opposed to saying who it is without actually confirming. Also, again as already mentioned, commas. Oh, good god, commas. There are so many sentences that I would put at least one comma in:

Great COMMA it was all a dream. I should hit the shower because I got a busy day.

Come on son COMMA talk to me.

Okay, Chris COMMA now I’m going to try and do a new move COMMA okay.
(ironically, the comma you do put here I wouldn't. I'd also have this as more of a question, and in doing so end with a question mark)

etc, etc. I hope I'm not being too harsh here, but these are just a few sentences where the flow sounds wrong when reading it. It's only when you look back and think where there's a slight pause in the speech that it sounds fine.

Also, with a couple of sentences, you put in too much detail:

'Great it was all a dream. I should hit the shower because I got a busy day.'

As a piece of speech (I assume, unless it was meant to be in his head?) would you really add 'because I got a busy day' onto it? Again, might be being too harsh, but it sounds over-detailed. Maybe cut that part out, or just cut because out and have 'I've got a busy day' as a separate sentence. You have the narration in between the dialogue to add detail to the story; don't be afraid to use it more as a device for telling the story.

As I said there too, that sentence might have been speech, but came across as thought. The opening two sentences did too, though you cleared that up with his dad speaking, and it was more explainable as it was in a dream. If it was meant to be thought, make sure you make the difference visually with italics or bolding, or something like that.

Make sure you are ruthless on looking for spelling and typing errors (something I can be guilty on!). Near the end you have his dad say 'Now these one is important'. It's a tiny thing and it isn't the end of the world, but its just an annoying little thing that can stick in someones mind. Just be extra ruthless in combing over your work.

As for the actual content...I really liked it. Nice and simple, I like how the dream reflected what was to come the next day. A little more focus on Hunter Jackson would have been nice, but I liked how you used that as a redeeming feature for Bull's dad. Though one minute near the end, he tells Bull that Jackson will 'try to fight' and then that he 'will refuse to fight no matter what'. Little contradictory things like that can stick out like a sore thumb, just watch that you don't contradict something you've already said. The layout you have is nice and clear to read, and works well. It's just let down slightly by the dialogue, which contains good stuff, but could be crisper and tighter.

Other than that, it served its purpose well. It's progressed the story of Darren Bull and his relationship with his father, and opened up plenty of new doors. I've seen some of your older RP's and, no disrespect to any of them, but this is much, much better.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. Keep up the good work, man!

 

[Mick Overlast]

Pancake

First thing I noticed, and I know it's been brought up in past feedback for you, is your changing of tenses. It started off in the present tense, but then it just seemed to flip-flop between the present and past.

You missed some words in sentences (should've been "Well, you might be too fat to sit in a rollercoaster") and some capitalizations (Grand Canyon, Sea World).

I'm genuinely curious as to where this is all headed after reading yours and Yazloz's RPs. I feel some kind of angle coming on with this friendship you two have, and I'm interested in seeing how it plays out. I hope that we get some answers at Meltdown though.

Until I see where it goes, I can't really say if I liked it or not, but the content was solid.

---

BK201

In Becky's first line, it should be "gentlemen," not "gentleman." Also, the question Becky asked about mutual respect should've ended in a question mark, not a period. Your one line, "And if, hypothetically, Scumm had have pinned me..." should've been something like "And if, hypothetically, Scumm had pinned me..." or "And if, hypothetically, Scumm would have pinned me..."

Outside of the grammar/spelling issues, I would've liked to see some more actions instead of straight dialogue. It was a shorter piece, so it wasn't terrible.

Also, X comes off as this totally nice guy, talking good of Scumm and all that, but then says he's going to kick his teeth in and challenging him to do his worst. I was just confused by it, and I don't remember X coming off like that in previous RPs. Maybe it's just me.

Not your best work, but it's a decent interview piece. Hopefully you get well soon and put out your usual work, especially if your title is going to be on the line next round.

And I appreciate you calling me a jumped-up asshole, but please don't lump me in with that tool Cooper, haha.

---

Awesome_Miz

I'm not a fan of the way the first paragraph is worded. If a TV is on, it doesn't "seem to be on." If Kurtesy is holding the belt, it doesn't "seem" like he's doing so. If the action is going on, then it's going on -- don't word it differently.

Yeah, there is just way too much "seeming" going on in this first part of the RP. You have to just describe what's going on.

As I read further, I noticed the first part was all a dream, and maybe that was your reasoning for using the "seem"s excessively. Even if that was the case, it's still strange. Stick with making the actions concrete instead of making us guess whether they're actually happening.

There are still a lot of missing words, misspelled words and weird punctuation throughout this piece, and it's been a theme since you started. It's something you really, really need to work on and I can't stress that enough. I recommend you actually read your RP out loud before posting it; I think you'd discover that it doesn't sound right, and then you can make the necessary changes.

I'm interested to see how the relationship between Bull and his dad progresses over the next few rounds, but unfortunately, you're not the only character getting a father involved, so something about this relationship will have to stand out.

Overall, it's an improvement on your earlier work, but you still have a long way to go. Keep at it, though.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Crock- Sam Smith

Okay let’s get started with you Crock.

The first thing I came across was your dialogue. I really like the flow of it and how sets the mood. I went back and look at some of your RPs (not including Local Talent) and you are using some something different. I also like the way you are using Sam’s new persona. You also used the first person view nicely.

The one thing that I really didn’t like was that you didn’t give a little back story on what Smith has been up to. Why did he get even bitterer? One or two more sentences of Phoenix would have been nice.

Grade- 8.5/10

Lee- Titus

First, thing I have to say is, WOW! That was one hell of an interesting read. You really brought something unique to the table. Each interviewer pretty much served their purpose. They told a story for each opponent, some history, and how it happened.

My problem with this was that we didn’t get to see Titus’s side of each story or how he felt about each guy. Also, the ending was that affected and I felt it could have been better.

Grade- 8.8/10

S.H.I.T- Joaquin's cleft lip

Now, before I beat you up mercilessly I must give you some credit on your good parts. The beginning is real good with Alhazred. I like the way you describe S.H.I.T as emotionless robot. You also use good work on describing your dialogue.

I agree with Shotaro on the fact you should have mention Ty and Alex more. Don’t forget you are with the AoC, so use them more. Give S.H.I.T more funny moments. This might just be me, but please give S.H.I.T more hateful words.

Also, I couldn’t help to notice, but are you turning S.H.I.T face.

Grade- 8.4/10

 

[GI Cake]

Meeks (Derek Jacobs)

First off man, I just want to say you've improved a lot since you started and you have made great strides since your debut and you really impressed me with this RP this week. I'm glad to see that you are actually taking the feedback people give you and put it to good use.

But now is the part where I nit-pick your RP. The introduction to your new NPC was a little strange. Jacobs is just chilling in his apartment and suddenly this unknown man gets into Jacob's home with not so much as kicking the door in? Did he have a key to the apartment? And how come we never got an introduction to the NPC's name? We got a lot about his relation to Jacob's and we even got to tap into his past which is a nice touch, but we didn't get a name.

So the RP itself was short, but it wasn't bad, and this is the perfect case where a little more doesn't hurt, and this RP could have used a bit more promo on Krypto. He is nut-job who thinks he is a martian, you could have played on that a lot more than you did.


Overall: You're improving man, but you still got a ways to go. I don't know if you will win this week but this is a great step forward for you dude.

 

[JGlass]

Super Dynamite- I'd like to start off by saying that I was very excited after reading your character application for Krypto. The concept was ridiculous, but full of potential. Fish out of water stories have the potential to be delightful, and with a character totally foreign to earth like Krypto is, there were hundreds of ways you could make this character interesting.

Instead, you pretty much murdered the character with your first RP. You played the "he THINKS he's an alien" card way too often, and too strongly. You should mention it once, and then never again. By constantly reminding the reader that he's not really an alien you are killing the reader's interest in the character. We get it, he's not really an alien, now give us a reason to care.

RJX9 was an interesting prospect, but you did a terrible job explaining how it works. You didn't explain how the R2D2 action figure communicates with Krypto. Does Krypto simply hear RJ's voice in his head? Or does Krypto do RJ's voice?

Punctuation. Work on it. You have a distinct lack of commas, and there are times your RP reads like a 2nd grader's homework assignment about what his dog ate off the kitchen floor. "I spilled my broccoli on the floor Rex ate because he's a silly dog and dogs love eating stuff off the floor."

The overall concept of your RP was actually pretty decent. I liked that he was clueless about what humans do, but everything felt very forced. How did Krypto know about WZCW? Instead of just having RJ bring it up out of nowhere, you could have had him see a TV commercial or a flier promoting a local show, or even have a random passerby talking about going to the wrestling show tonight. You seem to forget that RJ can't know anything that Krypto himself doesn't know, so everything RJ says needs to be something Krypto has discovered himself, but pretends not to know to fulfill his identity as an alien.

Overall I thought this was a bad RP. If I had to grade it I'd give it a D+. There's a ton of good stuff that you can work with, but you need to flesh out your character and work on your writing ability.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

James Howard- Shotaro

So, let’s see how harsh I can be with you, buddy. I did like the way you did the dirtsheet report. However, could you have used a real/fake name to make it a little more realistic? The way you set the scene is very good. Your usage of Leon was okay, but I didn’t feel like you captured him quite well.Leon sat forwards “like a career threatening injury?” You see this sentence here, you forgot about capitalization. Also, I felt like you could have touched a bit more about your upcoming match.

Grade- 8.7/10

Triple X- BK201

The first thing I want to tell you is that you exaggerated too much. Taking on Scumm was better than the title. Come on, don’t you think that’s taking a bit far. I would also like to say that I hate face vs. face situations. I want to know how did X know about his match. I really want to see some ruthless aggression from one of you.

Grade- 7.6/10

Mick Overlast- Mick Overlast

Okay, so Copeland and Cohen take off their headsets, but we can still hear them?! How does that exactly work? I like how you handled the Blade situation. That’s an easy way to get some heat. I don’t get the logic of bringing a briefcase for just a little poem. He could have simply taken it out from his back pocket. I like the aggression you are putting on Overlast now. I really want to see where he goes from here.

Grade- 8.1/10

Derek Jacobs- meeks_56

Man, have you come a long way! I really do like the way the RP is short and to the point. I would have been nice to know who was the mystery person. Bringing up your record is a really nice touch that I like to notice. Getting some background on Jacobs is very good. I’m still not that hooked into Derek “Dr. Pain” Jacobs. What I can’t stress enough is that you need to tell us is how did you know of your match. Please try and give us more information on Krypto. What do you know of him besides being a freak show.

Grade- 7.9/10

 

[The Crock]

Awesome_Miz (Darren Bull): Well, you're improving, but I can't say this was great. First off, you really need to work on your descriptions. Usually, they're either lacking in detail or they're just really clunky. It seems like you know what you want to say, but you don't know how to say it. Oftentimes, it just ends up looking like you threw a sentence/detail in randomly, because you couldn't mesh it with the rest of your RP. You also need to work on dialogue. It's just unnatural, man. Bull speaks to himself, which is fine, but he spells it out as if there's an audience listening... which shouldn't be happening. You need to supplement what Bull says with descriptions, rather than him saying it -- it makes your RPs much more believable. Finally, you need to proofread. There are plenty of spelling mistakes in this thing, sometimes you even add in an extra word that throws off the flow of your sentence. If you can fix that, your RPs will be exponentially better.

It's not all negative, though. There's a lot to like here. You're adding another character into the mix with Darren's father and that's an effective way of keeping your RPs fresh. I'd suggest further fleshing out the relationship between the two men in your future RPs, as that is going to be a natural progression from this week's RP. Keep up the good work, man. You're only getting better.

Lee (Titus): I liked this -- it was a nice change from the norm. Becky and Kensworth gave a fresh perspective on the match, rather than just hearing it from Titus. You did a great job of covering Titus' history and each of his opponents, too. That being said, I just felt like there was something missing. The interview was really standard and -- while it was a unique idea -- I don't know if it's something that I would have recommended for you to do. There wasn't really any character development and it felt like Becky and Leon were just there to get the information across -- it didn't feel as natural as it could have. You probably could have added a bit more of a description here or there, too.

Overall, I still liked it. It was different and that certainly separates you from your opponents. It was also entertaining throughout and that's the ultimate goal, so I would call this RP a success. Nice job.

meeks_56 (Derek Jacobs): I'm going to echo Pancake's sentiments here: You're definitely improving. The RP itself was actually pretty good and it got your point across; the RP put you in a position to win your match. Your RP obviously wasn't without flaws, though. I'm sure you'll cover it in the future, but I would have loved to know more about the unknown man. You gave us the background between he and Jacobs, but you didn't give us a name? It seems a little strange, that's all. The RP also left me wanting more, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. You should have expanded upon your thoughts about Krypto, but he is a debuting superstar, so you didn't have much to go off of. Plus, it's better to have a short and sweet RP, than to beat the reader into submission by going on for far too long.

I enjoyed this, man. Keep it up!

 

[Arashi]

Awesome_Miz (Darren Bull)- You lack in description at points and it really hurts you. Main this is that you have to learn that description is just as important as what your character says.

It doesn't have to be a lot of words, but you have to set the scene. That's the most important thing, don't say you're in a court room, show us. Show us what kind of guy Darren and his father are by their actions, or what they've done. Sure we know his dad was in jail, but why and what affect has it had on Darren. You really need to explain your characters and who they are. Through words and actions.

 

[JGlass]

Meeks- I'm not going to start by talking about what a long way you've come because I've never read any of your work before. That said, I thought this was a perfectly passable RP.

The premise of the RP was pretty good. It would have been nice to get more of a description of the unknown man earlier in the RP, but it really wouldn't have made that much more of a difference.

I also liked the fact that Derek Jacobs is so arrogant that he thinks he's being held back despite the fact he's 1-2 in the company. However, I think you should have cranked up the arrogance, as there were times where you almost made it seem like he had a legitimate gripe. It should be obvious to the audience that he's totally delusional, while he firmly believes that he's being screwed.

The part where he plays hero to this mystery mentor was weird. Why is a heel saving some guy's life? Even if it is the past, it would make much more sense if Jacobs was the attacker. I suppose it's too late to change that now, but in the future you should remember that heels shouldn't do anything that would make the audience like them. The most successful heels in professional wrestling are the ones that were such big pieces of shit that nobody in the crowd wanted to cheer for them.

Who's he talking to at the end? How can Krypto hear him? He's not being interviewed, there are no cameras around... how will Krypto hear him? It feels very out of place and forced.

You also seem to have a penchant for corniness. That's okay, but Derek Jacobs doesn't seem like a corny character to me. The, "The only person holding back Derek Jacobs is Derek Jacobs," line made me cringe. There must be a different way you could say that without being so cliche.

I think Derek Jacobs has the potential to be a good character and if you hone your craft, he could be a major player in WZCW. However, you need to commit to you character more: none of this corny self-realization crap or reminiscing about the time he played hero. He's a self-righteous asshole that only cares about money. Derek Jacobs won't move to the next level unless you make him into the character he's meant to be.

Overall it was a perfectly serviceable RP, the type of RP that will likely beat most undercard performers, but would probably result in you jobbing out to a higher level performer. In terms of a letter grade, I'd give it a C.

 

[Miko]

I'll leave the spelling and punctuation comments to other people to do that have a better grasp on these things, this is more about characters and that.

Shotaro &#8211; It feels like there is some talking without actually saying anything. I have this trouble with a lot of peoples RP&#8217;s though, for me dialogue plays second fiddle to body language, take it for what its worth. Now, I get that it&#8217;s a basic interview piece and for that it is fairly standard, not a bad job but unremarkable, the most interesting part was the end where Howard was wondering about his own penchant (right word?) for violence, but that bit was too short, I&#8217;d have written it as a recurring theme, it needed to be mentioned literally just after you saw that clip, then again in passing, then again at the end, it&#8217;s a point, drive it home. The rest, explaining the backstage part with Austin, it felt like a little bit of an info dump with what feels like name dropping of some of the feds bigger names.

By the way, you&#8217;re going to be a father, oh, I see, nothing? You&#8217;re writing this in the first person and not once do you feel a bit excited at the mention of the fact that you are going to be a daddy? It didn&#8217;t have to be corny and it certainly shouldn&#8217;t be a long description, just something like you &#8220;felt you&#8217;re stomach lurch,&#8221; unless of course you&#8217;re character doesn&#8217;t care about his kid of course. Instead you moving straight on to Reynolds just makes you seem single minded as a writer more than anything.

Harsh description, standard premise and passable as a result, hints of a personality but nothing of real substance, what feels like a kind of forced back up story with Reynolds. In short you&#8217;re Kingdom Come RP kicked the shit out of this one, you should always try to write an RP that was better than the round before, even if the round before was Kingdom Come.

Awesome Miz &#8211; I can read Doc&#8217;s central formatting, but Doc is a good writer that is easy to follow, this was a task. Then we&#8217;ve got, &#8220;There seems to be a mysterious voice coming from another place.&#8221; But then you move on to say where, forgivable but avoidable. Also, you cant decipher immediately whether the voice is male or female. . . Bit strange that, especially as its you&#8217;re DAD! Who has escaped from jail. Of course, then he explains how and you just say &#8220;okay, that makes sense.&#8221; Lol, a normal person would be fuming. I was literally saying &#8220;please let this be a dream sequence&#8221; as I was reading this and thank god it was, making it a bit more forgivable, but it could&#8217;ve been better done.

Another daddy issue guy? At least it&#8217;s a little different I suppose, and you&#8217;ve done it now so you&#8217;ll have to work with it. The training for the match diatribe, it&#8217;s just so basic, and not even well enough done so you can get away with it. The advice, &#8220;Jackson doesn&#8217;t have his loser friend with him, so you can win now&#8221; and &#8220;he&#8217;s flexible, so he won&#8217;t tap&#8221; is pretty poor man, surely it was you who had the loser friend for a start? If I remember correctly anyway. Going into you&#8217;re win and loss records, this is like screaming &#8220;please give me a win creative!&#8221; You&#8217;re replies to this advice you are receiving, are they sarcastic or eager or what? I don&#8217;t know dude, most readers don&#8217;t either, a little help please.

Okay, you want to be in contender ship for the Mayhem Title, that&#8217;s a start, ambition is good.

You&#8217;ve got a personality in there, that is a great start believe me, it just needs to be better written so that a reader might give a shit about the relationship between Bull and his father, because I don&#8217;t, I don&#8217;t mean to be totally rude when I say this, because I am saying there is something there at least, it might be a bit cookie cutter, but I think with some real effort you can make it go beyond that, but that&#8217;s all down on you to do I am afraid.