RP Feedback Thread

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Darren Bull

I said I'd give you feedback, and just like Pancake I'm only doing this to help you get better.

As Pancake already pointed out, the way you sometimes write out sentences makes me cringe, they just sound weird and awkward and I doubt they would really ever come out of somebodies mouth who knew proper english. Like Pancake said, say out loud the things you write and see if they make sense.

Correct me if I'm wrong but this your first RP in which you write first person. I think your writing will sound less generic or emotionless if you continue writing in first person, if you want to see it done well look at Strikeforce's RP's.

The story with your dad is hopefully coming to some kind of conclusion or at least put on hold because it's just not working for me. I know I had a short lived Daddy problems thing going on towards the end when I used Joe West but every RP it's just the same thing where Darren's dad tries to be helpful andd Darren just kind of verbally abuses him.

These are just my random thoughts while reading this, I don't know if you will win your match because just as FWR himself said his RP wasn't much better then this. Goold luck going forward.

 

[Dave]

Disclaimer: Because of my personal circumstances this week, my votes were very late coming in. In fact, all of the decisions on who won the matches were made by other votes before I even had time to read all of the efforts. Therefore, if you won or lost your match, then my vote had nothing to do with that.

Johnny Scumm:

Vote: I voted against you.

Reason: You didn't RP.

Feedback: I might give you more feedback when you actually do submit something.



Sam Smith:

Vote: I didn't vote in your match.

Reason: You are my opponent this week.

Feedback: I was very excited to see a cameo from Rush in your RP this week. Whatever you and Rush have planned for the future, this is the way to go about it. Nothing official, just two guys who seem to have something in common with the other. I'm not going to lie, I kind of marked out with that.

I also liked that you used history as a great motivator in this effort. From the very first sentence, you make a great deal of what has come before this. The history with the Sons and then the history with Constantine and X is very interesting to read, quite frankly. The way you see through Mick Overlast and also have focus on taking him out adds a very intriguing side to this match that I am interested in seeing.

You really tell a story here. I know that is the name of the game but you do a magnificent job of keeping this one concise and to the point. You use your personal drama to address the bigger picture with the fans and Sam's mentality and that just pays off. Honestly, this is a perfectly RP for what you are trying to do. It does give me the sense of this being part of the bigger picture, whatever that may turn out to be.

Your alliance with Rush and the way you are taking Smith really excites me. I would say that if you weren't competing against me this week, then I would have voted for you against almost everyone this week. It was definitely one of my favourites from this round. My only worry is that you don't really do much in the way of talking about your opponents. That may be supreme confidence or it may just be that you wanted to move things along in the story rather than harp on about details. Either way, it was a very good effort.​

 

[ABMorales787]

Miko/S.H.I.T.

From a writing point, this was a very fun read. You use narrative greatly and can really grasp attention with the way you tell S.H.I.T.'s story. However, that's where the negative comes in. There's so much narrative, but at the same time not much is said. In this one, there wasn't much beyond SHIT wondering what compensation was, Barbosa and a bit of KO, Celeste and Alhazred. It's a lovely view from point A to point B, but the walk isn't long at all.

This bit is more of a quirk than actual feedback, but you should add more formatting to the RP's. It kinda looks bland to look at the simple text.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Derek Jacobs (Meeks) - First thing I have to get out of me is that I sort of like James. He seems to be the only one that can handle down Derek. The only thing that throws me off about James is history. I know Derek once saved him. However, I would like to see some more past between the two. Try to always double check for color coding. A positive is that used the match rules to your favor. One negative that I always hate is when people don’t mention their opponents. Try to use their weaknesses against them and in your favored. I know you are trying to show us Derek’s past, but try to think outside the box. The dream sequences sometimes get really old. Use something new for Derek’s past/flashbacks/etc.

That’s all I have for you in this feedback. You’ve improved a whole lot from your start here in WZCW.

I'll try to do some more tomorrow.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Darren Bull

As I lay in the floor while taking a good breather, there was a knock in the front door

This should say on the floor, and at the door, not in.

I like that you gave a little nod to the new character rep.

Why would you steal Leon's mic? It made almost no sense. Then it goes straight into what appears to be the free interview that Leon promised. So did Darren get the free interview right on the spot or did Darren steal the mic knowing he had a scheduled interview? Its confusing, especially considering that the interview was cut short because his match was about to go on.

Then this line bugged me

Darren: You aren’t getting homo with me, right?

It was so out of place. I'd have no issue with it if it fit into the interview or played into Bull's character, but it gets dropped instantly.

Then you talk about how Connor and Jacobs were handed the opportunity like they didn't earn it but Bull has only won one match in a long time so it isn't like he is overly deserving either. Then you mention how Ace will be a "sell-out" but you don't mention why or how. Then you end the interview by saying "thank you" but you are a heel

Also, if I were you I would find someone to read over your RPs before you submit then to check for grammar and spelling errors, which there were a lot of.

Arashi
When a new character debuts I usually try to go easier on them so keep that in mind.

I do think you have pretty solid descriptions. You could have added more to them, like what Luke was wearing. You mentioned he was dressed rather dapper but you could have gone into detail. Personally I would rather go too into detail as opposed to not enough.

The violin and "Stairway to Heaven" made me scratch my head a bit. To my understanding Arashi is Japanese and a former puro star in his home country but to my knowledge Zep isn't big in Japan like they are in Europe and North America.

I do wonder why Arashi was lying face down in a mold decaying room. The setting just felt off.

I liked the overall tone of the RP and how you mentioned the feud between Dragon and Rush. It was a solid RP

Titus
I really enjoyed your RP. In my six months here in the fed you have always been held in high regard. I won't lie, at times I failed to see why. Yeah you were a two time world champ, you have accomplished so much but you have had RPs that, for lack of a better phrase, just felt totally half assed. You would churn out these bland, generic RPs and it almost felt like you were just skating along on your former glory.

Then you write an RP like this, where you take a very comprehensive look back at Titus' career. It almost feels like you realized you have but forth some lackluster efforts in the recent past and wanted to rectify that. It was done in a big way. You managed to hit all your potential opponents nicely while still putting your main focus on King. I haven't read his RP but I think it would take a great effort to beat you.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Rush

While I don't care for the formatting I enjoyed the RP. The opening was very good, it was probably my favorite part. It was relevant and played into the feud and your RP nicely.

I was also a big fan of the quick look back at Rush and his heart attack and how he perceives things to have changed. One of the things I like about Rush is that he is old school and its done well.

I really can't find many faults with your RP. Dragon is a tough guy to RP against and you did a damn fine job of allowing your feud to dictate the flow of your RP while still mentioning some of your potential opponents.

I also think the alliance between Smith and Rush has big time potential

Austin Reynolds

Right off the bat I want to say I love the looks back at RRRs failures to capture the titles early on. It really puts into perspective how much praise you guys deserved as a team. You came close and failed and managed to stick it out. Strikeforce is the oldest active team now and I think that speaks volumes to how easily tag teams dissolve. You guys stuck it out and turned into probably the greatest team in fed history.

I also like how you looked at Runn's growth under your tutelage. You also did a good job of expanding on and playing to Reynold's new attitude.

The biggest thing that bugged me is that you started off Mr. Byzantin with an accent but abandoned it quickly.

You did swerve us a bit at the end with a shift in attitude towards Runn. Adding Stark in though to bring about that change made it work.

In the rounds leading up to KC and the rounds before this you seemed to have a similar problem as I mentioned Lee having. Your RPs seemed like they were phoned in. It wasn't difficult to tell that Reynolds was nearing the end of his run. If this is Reynolds last go the feud with Runn put some of that old spark back and you went out on a solid RP

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Barbosa

In my time in the fed I have noticed that a lot of people don't care to read long RPs. I have no aversion to them if they aren't just long ramblings. Yours wasn't and the length was almost necessary to touch on multiple opponents.

That was the strongest part of your RP I felt. You touched on all your opponents and did it brilliantly. In my humble opinion it was among the best I have seen since I joined up.

I also enjoyed the back and forth in the beginning between Rivers and Barbosa. It wasn't hard to picture that conversation taking place between an actual psychologist and patient. I also enjoyed the few bits of humor.

My biggest gripe is that while you did a good job detailing your opponents, the actual description of the interview room was lacking. I feel like you could have done a better job describing the body language of Barbosa, I feel it would have made a good RP even better. I did also catch a few spelling errors and such but nothing that took away from the flow of the RP.

Obviously you a far superior RPer to me, but I hope this helps you out

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Celeste

First off it was a good read, something I've come to expect from you.

Your descriptions were right on par for you and I consider them among the upper echelon(no pun intended) of the fed.

When you did the flashback, I was torn. On the one hand I'm not a big fan of RPs written almost like a script with the camera angles and lighting and all that jazz, but on the other hand it almost feel like that would have been a more effective way to set it up. I feel like you could have done a better job of it. The same when the scene jumped from inside to outside. It did its job, it just felt generic.

I'd give you the edge in your match against SHIT but I don't think you did enough to win the title match. You briefly mentioned your potential opponents, but I can't help but feel it wasn't enough.

Aside from that and a few instances where you messed up the word order it was a good RP. It should win your qualifying match but it probably won't stack up in the actual title match.

Justin Cooper

Pretty decent read. I haven't been keeping up with Cooper recently so I may not have a full grasp on the current storyline with Tate but it seems to be a decent one.

There are a few lines that don't flow well, usually due to being too wordy.

Tate has learned a thing or two about dealing with “crazy people” … gotta’ keep it politically correct.

Things have gone and got serious now.

Those are just a couple of early examples

Having Vlad rise up against Justin seems like it has some potential.

I did like how you compared your experiences in the Mayhem division to the events in Justin's life, but aside from that I can't help but feel like the mentioning of the actual match was lacking. I wouldn't be surprised if you win a fall in the match but I don't see you walking out as champ.

James King

I like the overall tone of the RP.

I was a fan of the bit with James' father mentioning James finally had a chance to make a name for himself and James saying he already has.

I think you did a pretty good job of mentioning your opponents and your break from the Apostles.

You had a few lines that were redundant, it doesn't really take away from the RP, its just something I think could be cleaned up.

James turns and punches a locker, severely denting the door. He leaves his fist indented in the locker

All in all it was a solid RP, but I don't think it will beat Titus. You have a pretty solid foundation going forward though

Connor Reese

Right from the opening I liked the tone that was set. Especially the line about meeting expectations.

I got a much better feel this week for what the STA is than I did last week and the character is coming together more. There is a lot of potential there.

I liked the interaction between the little kid and Connor.

It was short however. It felt like it was building up to something good but it just ended. You didn't touch on a single opponent. You may have something planned for a later RP and this is just a set up to that but I can't imagine you coming out with the belt. I could see you taking a fall or two however.

Isabel Stone

This RP was okay. It wasn't as good as your debut RP however.

One thing I would do if I was you is use exclamation marks instead of bolding and capping words to show emotion.

I'd watch when you are abrasive and violent towards the interviewers, there is a line you don't want to cross and risk getting in trouble. You were pushing it. It does fit your character to be a bit of a bitch so don't abandon it completely, just watch how far you take it.

Its hard to mention opponents with an an open challenge since aside from the champion, which you didn't do. I think mentioning Rush or even Black Dragon would have helped.

Honestly I don't think you will get the chance to challenge for the title but you have a solid base for the character and if you continue to improve you should be winning matches in no time

 

[Shotaro]

Erin Toyota (Doc)


General Notes

• Fanstastic concept of having a robot at speed dating
• At points it felt a little overly long, particularly the Scottish prospective date, it didn't add much to Erin's RP especially and it didn't do anything you couldn't have done with a couple of sentences of prose
• The dialogue is, in general, very good. The rather large cast of characters are quickly fleshed out and you get a good idea about their personality quickly
• An enjoyable read, but in all honesty it did feel a little bit too long, as I already said, everything in the conversation with the Scottish guy isn't strictly needed

Specifics
Once you get into dialogue there's little to fault really, the opening section with Dr Hikari has a few things that I would do differently - That first section I paid a lot of attention to.

• Proof read stuff man! "The personality core" does not need a capital T, it forms part of the previous sentence. (first example I came across but there were some misspellings and grammatical quirks in there you would likely have spotted if you proof read it again.
• Block capitals in prose looks messy, "THE" could be "the" or "the" un-italicising something in a paragraph of italic text has the same effect as using italics for emphasis in normal prose - though I would go with bold just to make it easier to notice.
• "only children" is an odd turn of phrase, "only child" or "children" would be better, there were some odd phrases in the robots dialogue, but to me it seems intentional, like a personality quirk rather than a writing error.
• "For now. A husk, a shell. Prone, Unmoving. But not for long." I can see what you're going for here. I imagined that whole segment being told by a narrator with a penchant for the dramatic. The sentences did not need to be that short though, I would change it slightly
  
  For now, a husk, a prone and unmoving shell; but not for long
  ​
  I realise that is more a stylistic choice but several short sentences next to one another can easily look sloppy, it works there but it's something to watch out for.
• Whilst I'm picking on sentences: "Years of research and experiements, of grief and jubilation, of failure and success, all coming down to this." The 'ofs' that appear after the commas are not necessary, maybe it was just because the whole thing feels like I'm being told a story rather than observing it but either way you didn't need them.
• This is the one that jarred me the most. After the scene change Erin continues as though she has told the story, but if she was telling the story surely it should have been first person rather than third person. The other way around it is to have the "narrator" set the scene and do away with the 3 years earlier at the start. The line reads like a seque from first to third person but that isn't what happens, again maybe I missed the point but I found it snapped me away from the story for a second.
• Finally, paragraphs of speech should ALWAYS start with a speech mark, even if the previous one did not end with one. If the RP were purely in black and white it would be difficult to tell if the speech continued there or became prose again. It's the only time in the RP where it felt like the colouring was a crutch rather than to make it easier on the eye. It's something I'm guilty of too but because I'm trying to work on that it's prominent, to me at least.

Overall Doc, as ever, your dialogue was top notch and you went to a more formal writing style really effectively. It worked well and was a good read, if as I already said it was slightly too long. Good job buddy.


(Disclaimer It was kind of long so I stopped being specific after the first couple of pages, I hope you don't mind but I felt like I had more than enough to comment on regardless - sometimes too much feedback is just as worthless as "good job hurr hurr")

 

[Shotaro]

Hrafn (Joe Mason)

Ok,I know you've hit upon a losing streak of sorts so I'm going to be brutal - Not out of being mean spirited or to insult or upset you - fair warning. Ok?

General Notes:

• Your descriptions fall into a bizarre half way house between too detailed and not detailed enough. The descriptions seem to focus on the unnecessary and leave important information to the viewer
• You killed a guy, not hurt him, not insulted him you throw him out of a window - hurting NPCs is generally frowned upon without a specific context, killing them is, I think, outright out of order in the eyes of creative. I say I think because this is All-Stars and I'm not sure the usual rules apply (my characters hook is that he was disqualified and banned from MMA for almost beating an opponent to death and I had to be careful then about the way I described the incident)
• In general I'm not overly keen on the style you write in, I know it's common within RPs in general but the italic descriptions and regular text for speech can sometimes make it difficult to read, it's also a major and obvious crutch - within the fed there's nothing wrong with it and it's far from uncommon but reading some of your prose I think you should maybe try writing a little more formally - it could work for you.

Specifics

• The opening paragraph. I'm all for economy of words, but "Scene opens" is just weak especially considering the rest of the paragraph does a decent job of describing the room but is lacking in mood. Something like this might be better
  
  The camera sweeps around the exterior of a dark, eerie castle before zooming through a window to a study, of sorts. The room is long and narrow, with a door opposite a deep red cedar desk. The night is dark and the room is lit only by several candles on elaborate stands near each corner. In the dim light a man of around forty sits at the desk; he lights a candle and places it down before leaning back in his tan leather chair, his head comfortably rolling backwards into the dense padding. His face is drooping, his skin worked loose with a life lived intensely and full of sorrow as he sighs and mutters to himself.
  
  I've not put in as much detail but there is more of a mood, it's important to set the tone as much as the scene. Also you can dole out the details of the man as you work through the scene, have him adjust his glasses or run his hand through his hair as he mourns. Too much information can ruin a good start and here you come very close to that line.
• The dialogue is generally pretty good, though that guy is clearly not easily spooked, a guy dressed as a raven has appeared in his room without him noticing it and his response is "I beg your pardon" that just doesn't work for me, he should be shocked, stunned, afraid.
• You over did the Poe references, the guy lamenting a lost love in a room with a Raven was good you didn't need to use the whole nevermore thing more than once - using it in the middle ruined the ending a little since you saw it coming. I would have avoided all referenced to ravens until right at the very end when you have him throw the guy out of the window. That's the point where you have the reveal.
• You don't really do much about your opponent. I can fly and I will use the best moves to win. It sounds like you're part of a bad anime talking like that. How will you beat him, you're using Poe references, why not reference other stories? It wouldn't be too hard to reference the pit and the pendulum or the tell tale heart whilst talking about how you're going to beat him. It also adds to the allusions that your character is the raven.

Overall it is a decent RP - do I think it will win? sadly I'm doubtful, I could be wrong but you squandered too many great opportunities with it for me to say you did a good job - the opening parallels to the Raven poem worked really well but you became too obvious and played your hand too soon - it's a shame and ultimately it's what let your RP down. You could have done something great here with only a few little tweaks so it really is a shame to see you missed them with your RP.


You are not lacking in ability, you are lacking in refinement - think about how wrestling promos work and you will be able to do more with them, also don't spoil the big moment in the middle, if you have a big moment in the middle you need to end with an even bigger one.


Best of luck buddy and if you want me to look over your other RP before you post just PM it to me and I'll do my best to read it before the deadline.

 

[Bernkastel]

Part 1 of All Stars feedback; part 2 will be up later tonight.

Yazloz – El Genio Verde

I thought this was a pretty funny RP. Verde sounds like your typical villain, always taking his dastardly plans to excess; however, he isn’t oblivious to the fact that he could take the easy way out. And nice touch with Puta Madre, I see what you did there.

Best line in the RP: “No, you idiot, it’s too simple. We have to do something much more complicated and time consuming. Come, look at this.”

That made me LOL.

I did find the ending underwhelming though, simply because I was hoping for a scene where Verde would interact more with the Japanese.

Joe Mason – Hrafn

The intro was pretty good, you painted the scene really well; it’s just the dialogue was really underwhelming. I really couldn’t take your version of The Raven seriously as a dark gothic type character because the dialogue wasn’t convincing enough. For example this dialogue exchange :

“In flight? Did the plane crash? Are the other passengers safe? Where-”

Hrafn then begins to laugh as he spreads his wings.

“There was no plane, sir. I myself was in flight, solo.” The man begins to ridicule Hrafn, but stops himself upon thinking the better of it.

That made me chuckle, not because it was supposed to be funny, but that’s the atmosphere you painted with your narration.

The KillJoy – K-Oz

Pretty funny RP; the beginning with the technical difficulties was a nice touch. I like the “A few days later reoccurring theme” it added to the randomness. Where are my soaps!?

Best line in the RP: “Whadaya mean "how"? Dumbass, I will bang his head on the mat, I will slam through his legs against the post, I will pull his hair out until he screams like a damn little girl. The punk ain't got shit on me. Matter of fact, he is shit.”

That made me LOL the first time I read through it.

My only gripe was the 7/11 fight scene, hopping he do some banter with the police. Sometimes there’s nothing funnier than reality, have you seen COPS? Best show ever.

Sir Dan – Claude Dreiz

I liked the narration, and the dialogue was pretty good. You sold the character and made him convincing, but the humor was kind of dull. There wasn’t much “crack” in the RP it all; in fact it felt like a normal submission to a normal weekly show. Not much banter about your opponents either.

I think the highlight of RP was when Dreiz reveals that WZCW spelt his name wrong on the card. That did make me chuckle.

TBK – Mr. Lakes

It was a decent promo; I thought that the dialogue was nicely written, and that you painted a nice scene. Yours was one of the few that wasn’t filled with some sort of crack scene. The ending seemed to be rushed, and was rather weak compared to the rest of the piece.

I was worried about how you were going to weave your match into the conversation, and I thought the idea to have pictures of your opponents appear in a scrapbook was actually really creative. Props for that.

Miko – Sexton Tempest

Oh lord the salty cocaine goodness that was this RP; certainly not your best as far as writing and formatting go, but it was damn funny. One of the works that I read multiple times just for entertainment value.

Best line of the RP: "Good, God!" "Hey, Jonny Klamor, there’s room for one more!"

I demand a follow up to this immediately.

Merkley – Hollywood Jameson

This was fantastic; exactly what I was expecting from you. If you do decide to use Jameson in the future, this RP would be a good debut. It was well written, the dialogue flowed nicely; not as funny as I thought it was going to be, which was a disappointment since All Stars is full of hilarity. We could have Chris KO come out in a clown suit riding a ball for all we know.

Best line of the RP: Hollywood attempts to flex. Front Double Bicep Pose. Crab Pose. Side Chest Pose. Hollywood’s breathing begins to noticeably increase. Side Tricep Pose. Front Lat Spread Pose. Again, his breathing quickens. Read Double Bicep Pose. His breathing becomes audible to those near by. Rear Lat Spread Pose. Abs and Thigh Pose. The air released from his mouth with each exhale pushes beads of falling sweat towards Chuck Myles.

JayJay, another member of his entourage begins to wipe the sweat off of his face with a series of napkins. R-Dogg, passes Hollywood Jameson a milkshake in an attempt to lower his body’s temperature.

This scene had me in stitches.

Red Skully – Facecrush

I have to say this was the funniest RP in the 6 man match, which was impressive considering that I found Merk’s and Mozz’s RP’s to be hilarious. This was certainly one of the better written RP’s out of the whole show, I can tell you put some time in to it. The only thing I hated about it was that it ended. I couldn’t find anything noteworthy to gripe about.

Best line in the RP: “Facecrush would rip out his mother’s intestines for a chocolate frosted donut with rainbow sprinkles on it.”

There were several others that made me LOL, but that really set the tone. If Miko’s and Merk’s RP’s were crack, then this one was PCP.

Awesome_Miz – Brock Edwards

I’ll be honest; I thought this was an underwhelming gimmick, and a bit of a copout considering that All Stars is a show where you can do pretty much anything [except be a Nazi apparently.] Because of that, I wasn’t expecting much, but your RP was actually not too bad. It succeeded in making me chuckle a time or two, so props.

The dialogue was a bit underwhelming, and juvenile at times, but I did appreciate the comedic moments that you did attempt; because comedy is subjective.

Mozzarella – Thunderbolt

Even though you thought your RP was abysmal, I thought it was still pretty funny. I thought the generic power rangers theme in the background was a nice touch, and the dialogue was spot on of a Japanese accent, so it was at least in character.

I was disappointed that some of the scenes were as short as they were, if you had been able to support it with the time that you wanted to, I would have loved to have read that scene in Germany where the ring imploded.

God willing he hits either the 619 or the Moonsault at the show.

Thriller – Short

I appreciate the fact that you did manage to get an RP in despite being pressed for time. I’ve read your work as Phoenix so many times and it’s basically more of the same as far as crafting dialogue and grammar and all that jazz.

The scene was underwhelming, but at least you kept it somewhat realistic by inviting the cops into your RP.

Best line in the RP: Arthur throws the barista into the car, denting the opposite door and breaking the man's leg, and hops in himself before the car speeds away.

Damn.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Jacoby Capone

You set the scene very nicely throughout the whole RP. I liked the RP overall but it was a bit generic, especially for a first RP. This is the first time we see your character and find out who he is and what he's about and we didn't really get that. He's nervous about WZCW but he's trying to play it off, it works well and you wrote it well but it doesn't tell me anything about you or make you stand out. Other than that one of the standards of RPs for many around here is that you talk about your opponent. I don't give a shit about that as long as you tell a decent story but others will frown upon it. You have great potential as you are a good writer and to me your dialogue felt natural and unforced, and your description was detailed. Work on your character development and you'll do fine.

 

[Bernkastel]

Part 2 of the All Stars feedback

Kermit – Yellow

It was an unusual, but very creative RP. I’m not much of a poetry writer; anything beyond a haiku is beyond my expertise, so kudos for coming up with the idea. My only gripe is that you didn’t describe Yellow a little better; I get he’s supposed to be mysterious but you left little to the imagination. The guy could have been a bear dressed up in a yellow coat, and the narrator could have thought he was a man.
Again, though, I applaud the idea.

JGlass – Leonard Pierce

It was a really good read; short, sweet, and effective; I also thought the Chris KO reference was a nice touch. I was not expecting the ending; that was very Sixth Sense or Fight Club-esque. Not really sure what to expect with the match, but it really makes things interesting. A guy wearing a yellow raincoat vs a schizo. Only on All Stars.

Best Line in the RP: “No, not necessarily, but the whole concept of an objective reality is that what is real may be what eludes all of us. Like… let’s say that this turkey sausage is really made out of pigeons.”

Comparing kayfabe to pigeons; this guy’s crazy. That must be why he’s having a conversation with himself.

Lee – Mr. Morality

This RP was all over the place; everything from Jared from Subway to offhanded mentions of banned member Furyof5 and Maryse. It was basically pure crack; there wasn’t even much of a story here. I missed last years All Stars so I’m assuming this is a continuation of some sorts. But even still, it seems like you step up the ending for a follow up that never came.

Best line in the RP: "I despise those commercials, subway is an immoral company. Mr. Morality once told me of a story by a friend of his named FuryOf5 and how his Grandpa invented subway. So what happened? Someone stole the idea and didn't give any credit. That's not good, it's disgraceful."

This line made me LOL, simply because of the reference to FOF and his pathological lying.

Doctor – Dance Part 95

This was a fun RP to read; lots of references and funny scenes. I’m guessing you were a fan of the game WCW/NWO Revenge? Sorry, I liked THQ man better. Come at me bro! The scenes weren’t totality out in left field, as it seems AKI Man was the voice of reason to offset Sin Cobra’s antics. When you have two people that are equally “out there” they end up fighting ninjas and bikers.

Best line in the RP: Sin Cobra: “Clearly, as huge fans of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Will Smith would have no quarrel with us. I love to "get jiggy with it"! This leaves, through logical deduction and the process of elimination, the man who must have sabotaged our ship!

He points dramatically at the man in the tie.

Sin Cobra: Mr. Moratorium!

AKIMan: Morality.

Sin Cobra: Mr. Morkinshire!

AKIMan: Morality.

Sin Cobra: Mr. Morsterbati-”

I LOL’ed at this scene.

Tiffy Lockhart – Annie Mu

-You requested in depth feedback-

What I liked:

I liked the descriptive narration in the beginning. You painted a nice setting that flowed really well.

I liked the formatting; made the scenes easier to transition. Although the pink text was a bit of an eyesore.

Grammar and spelling seemed top notch; and your dialogue really sold Mu as a hardcore otaku.

What I didn’t like:

The transition narration between scenes were way too short; I found the jumpcuts to be annoying with you constantly skipping through scene after scene. I felt the scenes were really underdeveloped, and you didn’t really reveal much more about Mu other than the fact that she’s an obvious otaku.

Why does she like to wrestle? How does she feel about coming to WZCW? How does she feel about facing two women already on the WZCW regular roster? Those types of questions should have been answered.

I felt like you covered only the basics about your opponents. Annie Mu has a history with Erin Toyota right? I felt like you should have gone into more detail about that. Would a win here have helped Annie get a leg up over Erin in their home promotion?

I’ve always said that our RP’s drive the storylines in WZCW; not the shows. The shows merely reflect what we write. The more development you put into your RP’s, the better quality of a program you’ll produce, and the material you’ll have to work with in the future.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Joe Mason:

-Ok, I get the whole upscale, stereotypically British language, but it is used in a capacity that is very forced. Even the most sophisticated of folk do not say "doth" as frequently as your character.

-Obligatory match reference is super obvious. Let me ask you this: when you were a kid, and you had a test in school, did mom ever approach you and say, "Well, son. Looks like you have a test tomorrow"? If that did happen...it's weird. This whole RP just does not feel natural.

-The language thing is hard to get past for me. If you really want to pursue this King James style of linguistics, I would study up on it. The way you are using it here just feels silly.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Josh Young

First, welcome to WZCW. I hope you stay and don’t leave.

At first I thought the RP could have been something special, but I got disappointed. Flashbacks are good ways to introduce your characters background and why did they turn that way. However, I got disappointed at the end. Why would he wake up and just say nothing? I also thought he was a face. You know the good guy and happy. Why would Young just wake up and be ready to fight? With what motive does he have? Also, try to add your opponent in there. Mention him or her in your RP.​

 

[Beastmode 24]

Connor Reese

First of all, Let me say that I'm a big fan of this Character. I really like the whole talent agency dynamic. With your RP, I really didn't see any grammar/spelling errors or typos's, which is usually the norm with your RP's. (I normally don't notice them.) I think that the interaction between Reese/Kara/The Boss was really smooth. The Boss seems like a real dick, and Connor seems like he takes a lot of joy in saying fuck you to him. I like how meticulous Connor was in his explination of his actions at Redemption, and how he used that to throw The Bosses plan back in his face.

The interaction between Kara/Connor was nice; the joking/flirting between the two of them pretty much tells me that either you're planning on making them a couple, or The boss will throw a monkey wrench in it at a later time. Overall, I really liked this RP, and honestly if I was on the Creative team you would've walked out of Redemption as the mayhem champion. Your RP's are always consistent and you're one of my favorite writers. Keep doing what you're doing. I smell a win with this one.

OVERALL GRADE: A

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Derek Jacobs- (Meeks)

First off I want to say that I like the length. Just like Rick shorter RPs to me feel better. However, I was let down a bit by yours. I wanted to know how Mason and Derek met. I was expecting a little more post-redemption. Why not take us through a trip on how Jacobs went downhill. Then have Mason come and preach door to door and meets Derek. Then you take it from there. Overall, it’s still goo, but I feel the story could have been better.

Mason Westhoff- (Thriller)

Again as your partner the length was to my personal liking. Your case I found that you told us how you guys met. I just feel like why would a guy who has been in the company for a good time be joining forces with a new guy? I know you sort of explained it, but I would have like to know how that conversation went down. Overall, the RP was great. You got your point across with a lot of stuff. Just next time try to include your partner speaking in the RP.​

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Sam Smith- (Crock)

I like the way you start off the RP. I’ve always like the character opening up the RP, but I’m no good at it. However, you did a very good job on it. I can easily tell that school hit you hard for this RP, but you still did pretty well on it. This partnership between Sam and Rush is something that is real good. The ending was really awesome. It’s almost as Randy’s story as well. Drug problems coming back to haunt the wrestler is something that was a nice touch. I want to see if you add anything else to this already interesting story of Sam Smith.

Titus- (Lee)

The way you pick up on things after Redemption is good. The way you brought in Saxboteur was nice. The way you found out who your 4th tag partner was pure lulz. The Action Saxton/dad part was quiet witty. I also like the way you set up the next. However, I bet it’s hard to do a 4 man team RP work out, so it’s okay. Overall, I enjoyed it, but not like some of you others.​

 

[Bernkastel]

*This is the first part of the feedback owed to the winners of Round 1 of my Sailor Moon mini game*


Awesome Miz

You’re improving, that’s what I like to see; hopefully you’ll be able to go even further with the mentee program. You started with a pretty simple idea, but went into such detail that you covered all the bases about your opponent, and added in a bit of character development as well.

What I liked most about the RP: As I said you covered the entire basics, added some character development, and your piece wasn’t out in left field somewhere. You picked a direction and stuck with it.

What I liked least about the RP: You had a lot of word confusion. For example you wrote grip when you meant to write gripe. Spell Check doesn’t normally catch these errors so make sure that you read though the RP slowly so that all the contexts sound okay. Some of your sentence structures need work; a prime example being “It could be seen a tear in Darren’s eye. He quickly wipes the tear off his face.” That just sounds sloppy. A better sentence would have been “Darren’s eyes being to fill with tears as he quickly whips them away.”

My advice would be to use your mentor for as much constructive feedback as you can.

Ultimate Dynamite

I thought it was a pretty good read; it shows that you are spreading your creativity with the Krypto character. I like the innocent classic shonen hero charm you paint him with; try to keep that. Your depictions of Saxton and Saboteur were pretty spot on.

What I liked most about the RP: The first segment with Saxton and Saboteur was great. It was a gradual acceptance of the Krypto character into their fold. The third segment lagged a bit, but I felt the development was great. I’m hoping to read some good comedy RP’s from you guys in the future.

What I liked least about the RP: Even though you covered the basics about your match with Arashi, and his partnership with Celeste, I was hoping to read a bit more about how that would have affected the future of his partnership with the tag champs. Does Krypto feel he has to win to prove himself to them, is he afraid that if he loses he wouldn’t be accepted? That kind of stuff.

I hope to see Krypto use his relationship with the tag champs to further define his own persona, and not just fade into their background. Good job overall.

Funkay

I think this’ll be the second time I’ve given you feedback, but I should do it more. You’ve been on a good roll lately. The passion you put into your RP’s is tremendous; and like Ty you never skimp on the details. The comparisons that you make are quite ingenious, and really add some flare to your pieces, “Like a grotesque tyrannosaur” I like that.

What I liked most about the RP: I like way you’re beginning to write Holmes rivalry with Chris. It’s one thing to read the blue prints, but another to see the feud unfold; made an architectural reference.

What I liked least about the RP: The quality of this RP seemed to be weaker than a few of the others that I’ve read; like you either rushed it, or didn’t proofread it thoroughly. The comas seemed to be spammed in places, particularly the narrative paragraphs in the first part of the RP. There was some word confusion in some parts of the piece, not too bad, just remember to proofread thoroughly.

Overall I liked it; I’m interested to see if Sanka has anything to add to the tag match.

Meeks

*This is Feedback from Gelgarin, not me; even though this was written by me*

For what it was I thought it was an interesting piece, but it was underwritten for a debut RP. I knew nothing about The New Church before I read the RP, and I still know virtually nothing about the New Church after I read the RP. You basically covered the bare minimum, but that’s pretty much it.

What I liked most about the RP: It was clean and well written, and I hardly found any spelling or grammar mistakes.

What I liked least about the RP: It was lacking a lot of substance; how did Jacobs join the New Church? A brief history lesson would have been nice.

Hopefully your next RP will develop the New Church’s back story. Work with Phoenix a bit if you are stumped with ideas.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

I don't think I give enough feedback so I decided I'd give some to certain people I think need it.

Joe Mason

I think the biggest thing this RP needed was Steamboat Ricky, maybe you guys couldn't work out the details in time or what but for the love of me I don't understand why some of the rookies this round didn't have any interaction with their pros. I'm really not a fan of the lets sit in one place the entire RP and do the all too common interview, and it doesn't help that all you do is run through your opponents strengths and weaknesses which once again is all too common. I know I used to do this myself but lately I've been trying to stray away as far as possible from this, I think you should do the same. Do something different, do something that sets you apart from other rookies.

What I liked the most: Honestly nothing, but I'm glad you didn't do that annoying English snobby gimmick you tried last round. I thought the descriptions were solid and from what I can tell there weren't any really noticeable grammar problems.

What I liked the least: Pretty much everything stated in my original paragraph, no pro interaction, generic setup, generic run down of opponent, generic vague threat at the end.

Don't get me wrong here Mason, this was much better than your last RP in my opinion but what you did here was really nothing special and mostly forgettable, your not standing out, which is what I believe this Mentor Program is about.

 

[Kermit]

Krypto:

First, let me say that this is my first time to read one of your RPs since your debut as Krypto.

Within the first few seconds of reading, I see missing commas and absent words that are needed in sentences.

It is like a hiccup the sentence. It distracts reader from the text. You are supposed suck them into the world you are writing about. Understand what mean?

Alright, I read through the whole thing.

1.) Your writing is not horrible, but as I mentioned earlier, the lack of commas, and improper usage of sentence structure consistently throughout the piece are what distracts me as a reader. These are minor things, but really are a key attribute to the "next level" in RP writing.

2.) I am not sure what direction you hope to take Krypto, but I cannot see him as anything but a lower-card player. His character just seems like too much. I think you could be a real threat as a more serious character. My advice, ditch the alien gimmick and invest some good time into character development for him. With that, I could see you evolving into a major mid-card, maybe higher eventually, player around here.

3.) While I enjoyed that you tried to stick to a story, it just felt like too much happened in this RP with not enough pizzazz. I didn't buy into the transition of Krypto into the homeless scene. It seemed really forced, and it turned me off. The biggest thing you had going for you in this RP was star-power. Saboteur and Saxton carried most of my interest in this thing. Please, take advantage of that. They are your mentors.

I suggest coming up with some plot that heavily involves them in every one of your RPs. Make it elaborate and leave cliff hangers for me to come back and read more. A lot of people enjoy reading JGlass and Doc in the fed. Use them to your advantage to draw in readers to showcase your own writing talent.

Overall, I see great potential in your writing, but your character is a major turn-off for me. I feel like he limits you. However, I think you should ride out this mentor program and continue to work on your technical writing skills. After the program ends, I would really think about taking it to the next level with a more legit character.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

The Angel

I liked this RP to a degree, I don't think it was your best but it certainly did it's job in getting us familiar with the partnership of Titus and Angel. Speaking of that, I like the interaction of them but I thought there could have been more to it. I'm not going to pretend I know a lot about Titus the character because I don't but since he is a famous actor and what not I think it would be interesting if you two went down the path of Titus trying to show Angel the good life (since he apparently can't afford a car or a rental) filled with riches, and maybe some unholy things which almost tempt Angel since he doesn't want to defy his mentor leading to some kind of character development. Because I'll tell you, and this is just my opinion but I don't think overly nice characters such as Angel, work very well in the long run when it comes to building a personal feud because Angel will never lose his control, he'll never do something under handed because he is a man of God. He'll most likely pray for his opponent, that wasn't a bad thing in this RP but I just think it's a good idea later down the road when you become embroiled in some kind of feud.

What I liked the most: I thought your use of Titus was good, as Kermit said I think out jobs as rookies are to use our mentors basically in every RP to at least get people to read them and want them coming back for more. Until this program ends it's the only thing keeping people reading, so I would suggest just like Kermit said, keep people wanting more.

What I liked least: Nothing really stood out as bad to me, once again just like Mason I felt this RP was average and forgettable but unlike him I saw that you ( and I'm assuming Titus, I don't know how much involvement he had in this) were at least trying with the rookie/mentor interaction here and you have good potential.

 

[Arashi]

ANGEL

Okay first off I love this character and it's different from most of the religious character, I enjoy the back and forth between Titus and Angel, and it's a really nice piece overall. There is something missing though, I think it's a more in depth look into Angel's thinking.

What I'm really missing is a lack of depth in your rp. It seems to stay at one pace, and an even keel the whole time. I'm not saying you need leaps and bounds but what i am saying is that I felt like you had two conversations that were in essence the same.

There was no movement or advancement imo, I still like the character, I like the story and I like the rp, but it needed something different. I kept waiting for the moment things would change and they never did.

 

[Shotaro]

So, I decided to do some feedback for a couple of folks, given that a lot of the newer characters have mentors and the likes I thought I'd give advice to those who don't have a mentor. Don't feel obliged to give feedback in return, unless you have something to say about my RP (in other words, I don't care about feedback for feedback, I care about meaningful feedback.)

Disclosure: I don't necessarily read every word of an RP (unless of course it's either really good or really terrible) I print them and make notes - then I make sure that I'm feeding back on things you do most often, after all the mistakes you make on page one will likely be repeated on the other pages.

Jacoby Capone (Smizzy):

I'll start off by saying that I liked your RP. I'm not on creative but for what it's worth I think you have most likely got a good chance of winning this week. That being said your writing is not without fault.

Right at the start you establish that Capone is sweating, which of itself isn't an issue, except that you don't establish why. The opening sentence describes a guy that you're trying to sell as a tremendous athlete who is walking and sweating. Also while I get that you're wearing your "backstage" attire, why in the blue hell are you wearing it in a parking lot? Look at WWE shows as an example, when a guy is arriving during the show, how often are they shirtless? Or even shirtless and wearing a jacket? It breaks the realism of the setting, especially since Capone isn't a fantastical character like Saboteur or S.H.I.T - guys who you can easily believe wear their ring gear 24/7.

Nice touch with the fake out ring entrance, though watch your choice of words afterwards, "Capone stopped his pace and looked up" the 'his pace' is completely unnecessary and adds nothing to the description, in fact, it borders on the non-sensical.

Later on Capone says "Ahh, and I see you still like to call me a hippy," would you say that to a long time friend of yours? "You never change" would be more concise and say just as much about their friendship without turning Capone into Basil Exposition.

Be careful about continuity, I know you said that Chase back-pedalled, but how do you fall into the driver's seat of a truck when you're stood near the tail gate? It just doesn't make sense.

You have an unusual tendancy to add words you don't need and leave out words you do. Clicking a seatbelt while not the best example in the world could be ambiguous, you could click it against the door as you toss it aside, you could also click it into place. Whilst I know that you know what you mean by that, you have to assume that a reader can pick up on subtext whilst at the same time is an idiot.

Finally, let's talk about "are you crazy" I have no problem with using emphasis (after all I've used several different examples in this RP to demonstrate the problem) but that one, single line in three pages of RP is not only larger, but in a different font. I like the idea of using different font sizes to show emphasis, hell I'm not opposed to using different fonts to show it either, even if I think they're clunky and inelegant unless they're used extremely well (see Barbosa's RPs for a great example of how effective they can be) but using both is overkill and, for me at least, snapped me out of the picture you were creating, which is a shame.

Overall your RP was written well enough and once you get going with dialogue you're good at it. I hope you find this useful.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Sam Smith

- The start was too melodramatic for me. I get that it helps explain the change in attitude, but it could have been presented much better.

- I'm really not liking the first section. I appreciate backstory, but it sounds like something a face would say to gain sympathy, but you remember you're supposed to be a heel at the end.

- It's a shame, because I love everything with you and Rush in the 2nd part of the RP.