RP Feedback Thread

[Viola Moonlight]

Steve Scott Williams

First sentence starts off in the right direction with description but then you almost give up and give us the short version of where the scene is. We understand that the scene is a prison by you just saying its a prison but to make the start of your RP more interesting, describe the prison room. Describe the condition of the room and what it looks like to set the tone of your RP. You've started things off on a neutral level and the RP then goes off on tangents for the rest of it but I'll get to that point later. Also, you introduced the man as a mysterious person but the next sentence says he is your brother. You could have made it a little more subtle. Something I'd do is:

Spoiler

A man of about forty years old sits behind a lexan window, patiently waiting for someone as he holds a phone in his hand. Moments pass as the man continues to sit there in his chair being watched by the prison guards that keeps the prisoners of the United States Penitentiary from escaping the poorly lit room or causing a riot until another person enters the room from the opposite side of the looking glass. It is Scott Williams, who is directed to his seat near the man where he picks up the phone on the other side.

Man: Hey brother.

Scott: Hey Ross, how you been?

It's made the start a little more interesting and if you want to return to this scene in the future, you've already established what the inside looks like to an extent. This makes it easy for readers to follow your RP's should you add other items or features into the room. Description goes a long way.

The dialogue mixed with facial expressions and such I can't make a fault on yet as it is your first RP and we are just starting to get used to Scott Williams. Although your character is listed as "a bit crazy," I feel you've done too much to emphasise something that should only take one or two hints. He laughs and twitches a lot for no reason... I know its what crazy people do but its a bit excessive. You are sounding like our resident crazy man Barbosa almost. Formatting, grammar and spelling looks to be fine which is a great skill to have from the start. Makes people want to read your RP.

Conclusion: Description is half of your RP: don't explain every little single detail but give enough to set the tone, scene, mood, etc. Description can do so much for an RP. Focus on the main parts of your character and you should be right.

P.S. I don't want to seem like a dick here, I'm just giving you the best constructive criticism I can give.

 

[Harthan]

Harthan's Executive Feedback - Round 1

As explained in the feedback thread. Here we go.

Dynamite - Krypto

I voted against your RP. Let's first look at what your opponent did, and why I like it. He was clear, concise, and addressed both recent events and the present handily. Now, it wasn't a great piece - it was rather lacking in description, though it had a fair bit. But, it also developed character well, as we got to explore, on some level, Derek's frustrations. I didn't like the heavy-handedness of the backstory and it's sudden reveal, but it is reasonable and told us more about Derek. These are all qualities I like to see in an RP. Now, let's look at what your RP did. Description was sorely lacking. I shouldn't have to rely on the backstory given in your application to understand your first RP - and the backstory you've given is flimsy enough. While I understand the concept of building suspense to it, you explain practically nothing, and just leaped into a fairly radical concept without answering a number of key questions - why does Krypto think he is who he is? What is the significance of Nova Terra? Where did his "robot" come from? Again, I understand that you may wish to keep the answers to such questions close to the belt until you can reveal them in a future RP, but there needed to be some kind of background information to drop us into this concept. I would have liked the RP to open with a description of Krypto's escape from the asylum, and perhaps feature a conversation with an NPC on the street to accentuate his insanity. Then, you might have skipped ahead a ways to his conversation with Chuck Myles. I think, too, the first RP could have featured a scene wherein Krypto finds his helper bot and has his first conversation with him. There was a great deal of potential for both comedy and backstory to be addressed in one fell swoop, and really take an intro RP to the next level.

Let's discuss some other issues. I thought Myles was written poorly - he's grown far more nuanced in recent weeks than his former, one dimensional arrogant self. I think he should have been written more subdued, especially given the recent events of Kingdom Come. Furthermore, I dislike how easily Krypto is given a contract - it feels like lazy writing. I might have avoided Myles altogether, as he's really not the type to hand out a contract to a person like Krypto - perhaps a clerical error might have granted Krypto his first match, and a clause in the contract would force him to be able to wrestle, or the company would owe him a penalty. Something like that. You have to consider how real characters would realistically react to situations like Krypto's. You have license to write him as zany as you please, but other people need to behave more to established personalities, and I think you fell short of Myles'.

I don't like your sudden and rapid scene changes, especially considering Krypto's appearance. How does he simply walk to the library without anything interesting happening? Walking to the library could constitute and RP unto itself for this character. How does he even get into the library and allowed to use a computer if he's dressed like an alien? Consider not only realism but where you might be missing potential value. I think you can work a lot more with tighter scenes than you realize.

The positives to your RP were primarily exploring Krypto's motivation, which I think is something to go even deeper into - why is he so concerned with the pursuit of fun and excitement? And the conversations with the helper bot are also entertaining - it was a good idea to add a supporting character to play something of a straight man.

More coming tomorrow, because I'm a liar and played Magic instead of writing your feedback.

 

[Harthan]

Mick Overlast - Mick Overlast

I voted for your RP. As before, let's first talk about what your opponent did, and why I didn't like it. One thing that I didn't like about the Beard's piece was awkward scene recognition - he's set it in a bedroom, but at the end, speaks directly to you as if this were an interview. It's jarring, and doesn't make a lot of sense. One other gripe I have is the use of the quote - it's the kind of long quote that feels awkward, as though I can't really expect a person to remember all of it. I think it would have been better just to paraphrase the quote as Emily's own words. This comes down to something I mentioned to Dynamite - a focus on realism. The more realistic and believable your piece, the more I want to vote for it. Obviously, there's some nuance to that statement - Barbosa, for example, isn't realistic in the traditional sense but is realistic in his excellent constructed fantasy environment, so it works. What I want you to take from my criticism of Beard's piece is that I prefer realistic - or at least internally consistent - narratives.

So, now let's discuss your RP itself. I'd normally like to lead off with what I didn't like, but there wasn't much that I didn't like. I really, thoroughly enjoyed how you chose to set your RP. In-ring promos are hard to do and not often done, and you executed it to perfection. When I sat back and ran Overlast's words through my mind, this sounded like the kind of promo that could have given by a great heel on Monday Night Raw. And then, when I thought it couldn't get any better, the poem - seriously, this was brilliant. Excellently written and perfect as a response to Beard. When I talk about realism, this is what I'm talking about - you're acting and writing like a classic professional wrestling heel. My only objection is that the final line from Overlast felt unnecessary - I think the poem would have been a good end. You also provided excellent description of everything in the scene. As far as I'm concerned, this is a model RP.

Shotaro - James Howard

I voted for your piece. As usual, let's lead off with what I disliked in Reynolds' piece. My primary objection was how little Austin addressed the plethora of events at Kingdom Come. His loss of the titles, his neck injury, all of it went woefully unaddressed. Admittedly, he could be angling for selling Austin as bottling his emotions up, but that shouldn't just be left to infer - there was just very little about it at all. This ties into my enduring theme of realism, but also my general preference for addressing significant events from the past in RPs. Not every piece has to take the form of "last week, this week, future", but when big things happen, they should be addressed with more than a passing sentence here and there. I also disliked how Ty was written, frankly - I really think more mania and malice need to be sold in Ty's character than this. Perhaps it's more a personal preference, but it goes hand in hand with the internal consistency I've been discussing and after all, this is all about what I'm going to vote for. So, I suppose you've noticed by now - realism and internal consistency are two big things for me.

Let's lead off on yours with nitpicking. You used the phrase "could well be" in back to back sentences. It's just awkward construction that takes me out of the piece. You could also use a general proofing of the whole piece - there's a couple issues that pop up here and there that could have been dealt with to improve readability. I've recommended before, if you have time - write your piece, let it sit for a day, then proof it. Of course, working on an extension, I suppose maybe you didn't have the time, but remember that every bit helps. I wasn't nuts about calling the internet show "The Shoot" - I don't really like breaking any kind of kayfabe with WZCW RPs. A while back, Phoenix wrote an RP that positively shattered kayfabe and I was pretty harsh on it. Even a tongue in cheek reference like this, I'm not crazy about.

So, that said, your RP did all the pretty necessary things. You addressed TLC and Kingdom Come in general very well, developing natural reactions to the events therein. Personally, I could have done with a little more emotion over Howard seeing what he had done to Austin, especially given his past. But, you did a pretty good job of it and then addressing this specific match with Austin. I especially liked leading off with a website report, which I think is a nice, clever little thing to mix in there. All in all this was a pretty effective if unspectacular interview RP. What I missed from it primarily was character development - I felt, despite the opportunity given with all that happened at KC, Howard remained relatively static and flat.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

meeks_56 (Derek Jacobs)
Your RP starts off with an eerie dream, which is always a good way to go. Gets people hooked and make them want more.
From there, you mention the Relay match and define who your opponents are, but don't really get into the trash talk I'd hoped for.
No worries- you made up for it with the use of James Baker. The use of a former character is always nice, and you were practically spot-on. Thoroughly impressed.
Throughout the RP, you had a good flow. I detected few to no grammar errors, which is a very big plus IMO.
Overall, a great RP. I am very impressed, and can't wait for your future RPs, which will be even better than this.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

My next feedback victim...

Find'er Woo'er Ryder (The Angel)
First of all, Angel's back-story was short and sweet; from the orphanage, going-away fiesta, etc. Enough to know who he is, but nothing too lengthy. Brownie points in my book.
Next, the interaction with Chuck Myles was decent. I like his piss-poor attitude with Angel, as it defines how busy WZCW is (hypothetically speaking), hiring multiple people and letting multiple people try out very often.
Finally, the interaction with Krypto and the interview with Kensworth were both very good; you nailed Krypto's gimmick during Angel's interaction with him and the interview suited the both of you.
Overall, a very good RP, especially considering it is Angel's first. There were a few grammar errors (I ALWAYS find them, as I say constantly), but I felt you made up for it with the sporadic Bible verse quotes; though IMO, to better suit the gimmick, I recommend you use King James Version 1611 Bible quotes; just me though.
Looking forward to your future RPs.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Harthan

Things I liked:

-The intensity of the RP. Very dark (heel) side of Drake that I haven't seen before. Almost tweenerish.

-I liked the opening of the RP very much. How he wants to feel bad for what he did to Showtime but can't actually bring himself there.

-Becky was written great.

Things I didn't like

-"And a liar, it seems, to boot." This was in the bold section but it was greenishblue? Becky is pink. Drake is green. Kate is purple. Who the hell is talking? It didn't really make a difference just confused the hell out of me.

I feel like the whole conversation between Drake and Kate could have been a little more one sided with Kate pretty much begging for him to talk to her.

"thought on his mind, he exited the room and made his way out of the building and into the night."

Exited? Is that a word? I'm not to sure but I don't like the word. I think exits the room and makes his way out...

Nothing really big but just a few things I picked up when I re-read it a second time through.

And I was wish you would have pulled a Big Johnny with the email and wrote something like how he use to introduce himself.

My Name is John Adams and I'm the Vice President of Talent Relations and the Executive Producer of WZCW.

Would have got me to die laughing.



Johnny Scumm

Things I liked

I liked the opening where you said you lost against XXX twice.

I liked what you said about Marquel and Skinner.


Things I didn't like

"I need to prove every person out there that doesn't think I have what it takes that I do."

You are missing a word between prove and every. I had to read this line so many times for the last part to make sense.

The Member of the Backstage Staff is the guys name? Make a backstage guy up. He is a crew member.

You yell that the staff and the very next sentence you apologize?

Why would Triple X want one last match when he pinned you twice already?

Why do you need to mention Darren Bull in every RP of yours? I understand he is an opponent but come on. It honestly looks like you don't like the guy.

"Scumm turns around to face his father and call over to him"
Where did his dad go? I didn't know he left? I thought he was standing beside him the whole time.

"Aaaand with that, look where we are. The office of Vance Bateman. I've seen this place more times than I'd have wished to."
This right here should have been bolded. It sounds more of an action and why would Scumm say that?

As I was told once, never do the list when facing a big group of opponents. It gets boring after the second or third one.

Calling James Baker a nobody??? I think he was a former tag champ and Mayhem champ.

Bateman tells you part of the rules and then says let's get to them rules. You should have put something like "Now the rest of the rules" or something.

I don't like the dad's character. I understand you and him are close but it kind of seems like Scumm is a daddy's boy. Too afraid to get on his own.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Stevenson Marquel

Probably my favorite RP of the match, but I think there was so much more you could have done with it.

Things I liked

- You talk about Ace a lot and why you are determined to win the championship.
-Your rap's are usually always pretty creative even though this felt a little short.

Things I didn't like

-You didn't really go into the rules of the match or even really talk about why you should win/why you are better than the rest of the people in the match.
- I think a multi-man match like this called for a rap that would make fun of everyone else in the match (and trust me you had plenty of material) but the rap we got was fine.

All in all I think your RP was probably the only one in the match that got to the point the best without having to read and picture the character doing a boring one by one monologue of everything. There's nothing really else I can say though, it was short.

 

[Shotaro]

Spoiler

"Leon, buddy! Just the man I was looking for!"


I wrapped my arm around Leon, akin to how an older brother would to his younger sibling. He squirmed around, clearly uncomfortable, before breaking free.

"Hi, Sam."

"Come on, that's no way to treat an old friend!"

"Look, I've got work to do. I don't need you --"

I cut Leon off.

"Well, I'm here to help you, pal! What do you say you and I have ourselves an interview, huh?"

Leon sighed, but I knew I had him.

"Fine."

"I knew you'd come around. Let's get to it."Leon beckoned, ushering me into a hallway. The cameraman set up, and we were good to go.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm here with Sam Smith, who will be facing Triple X for the Elite X Championship shortly. Sam, there's a pressing question on everybody's mind: What happened to you?"

"Leon, Leon, Leon -- what's with your mood? We're just having a pleasant little interview between friends!"

"That's not exactly what I would call it -- I'd think you were wasting my time."

"Wasting a failed reporter's time? Well, I sure am ashamed!"

Good strong opening - I like the way you play on your previous relationship with Kensworth and the way you torment him - it comes across very much as a "playground bully" it works and establishes a niche for you new heel gimmick.

Spoiler

Leon was visibly flustered and he couldn't take any more.


"You know what? I'm done here. Feel free to finish the interview yourself, Sam."

As Kensworth stormed off, I couldn't help but smile. After last week, I would have thought it would be impossible to get an interview where I wasn't being hounded about what I was saying -- it had been easier than I thought.

I liked that you made Leon leave, but I'm not crazy about the method. I know that I'm guilty of this myself but Leon is supposed to be a coward - standing up to Sam like this makes him a bit too heroic.

Spoiler

"Well, well, now that Kensworth is gone, I guess it's time for a little story.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Sam. Sam was a good little wrestler, even winning the Elite X Championship. As champion, Sam did everything he could to guarantee that the Elite X Championship would be viewed as prestigious. One could say that Sam took the title to heights it hadn't reached since it had been held by the likes of Austin Reynolds, even. When Sam lost his championship, it took quite a hit, though. It was around the waist of Steven Holmes for all of a pissbreak, then ended up in the hands of a lucky newcomer named Triple X."

I paused, sarcastically wiping my forehead.

"PHEW! That was quite a yarn. Long story short, Triple X is now faced with a challenge the likes of which he has never faced before and will be exposed as a fraud of a champion, much to the chagrin of WZCW's fans and their management.

I was disappointed when the "storytime" idea ended. I think it could've been the framework for an RP all on it's own. It becomes a bit of a motif throughout this RP but I would've liked to see the story time style be a persistent theme. A shame you kind of wasted it in one paragraph.

Spoiler

Don't worry, though, I'm going to be a great champion. I'll be someone all the kids can look up to! Look, I even wore my nice suit!"

I, once again, exaggerated my movements, sarcastically tugging on my suit, straightening my tie, and slicking my hair over.

"See, I'm the savior WZCW has been waiting for... AUUUGHHAUUGHHGH!

I bent over and began pretending to vomit.

Not a fan of the sounds - it doesn't work that well on paper. I would suggest something like

"See I'm the saviour WZCW has been waiting for~"
I bent over violently and loudly pretended to vomit

I just think that in general that works better, maybe it's just me but if I can't be subjective here then I can't be anywhere.

Spoiler

"Wow, that took a lot more out of me than I figured! I don't know how some of my fellow wrestlers can do it. I mean, they're practically on their knees, suckling on you people, just hoping that they don't rock the boat.

I'm going to come back to this later, the whole pig thing would work really well when you mention the big bad wolf.

Spoiler

Well, let me tell you something, it's not going to get you anywhere. I didn't rock the boat and I was thrown to the wayside! It won't matter, though. Once I bring this company down, you'll all get what's coming to you."

A demented grin crossed my face.

"Tonight, once I win the Elite X Championship, begins the downfall of WZCW. Once I have gold around my waist, there's nothing you can do to silence me. We're going to play by my rules -- remember that.

Triple X is going to do his best to be a stand-up company man and stop the big bad wolf from tearing into his comfortable confines, but let me put it bluntly: He will fall at my feet, just like Phoenix did. Triple X, I have nothing against you -- I just hate everything you stand for. You're what's wrong with WZCW. Hell, you wouldn't even be the champion had I stuck around. You're in above your head, just treading water until someone shoves you under the surface of the water. I will not hesitate to be that man.

There are two things here I'm not a fan of - first of all you've cut yet another really great RP concept down in a single paragraph. The big bad wolf. Stretch that metaphor further and you have a great RP and again it's been wasted in one paragraph. The whole suckling thing would go well here too, if you just made it a more obvious reference to pigs. You missed some really great opportunities in this RP. It's a damn shame to be honest.

Also break up your paragraphs with some description, it just works better. You don't have to do EVERY paragraph, but try to avoid four or five in a row.

Spoiler

I'm sure you think you can do it, I'm sure you think you can stop me -- just think about what happens if you don't, though? The fans will hate you for failing. They're not going to be behind you forever -- no matter how good it feels when they cheer you now. What I do to you tonight will be their fault. Nothing personal.

I've got a goal that goes farther than the Elite X Championship, but I will not toss this opportunity aside. You know, I almost feel bad. The Elite X Championship means everything to you -- I know how that is -- but in a way, when I take it from you, I will only help you. I will show you what wrestling and WZCW are all about. Glory, respect, it all means jack shit."

I smiled as the final word came from my lips, remembering Kensworth's plea from last week to keep me from swearing on TV.

"The only thing that means anything is getting what you want. You have to step on a few toes -- being a perfect employee won't get you anywhere. The only thing it has gotten you is a match with me and a nasty ending to your Elite X Championship reign.

Oh, and this isn't false confidence, this is a promise. I vow to walk out of there with Triple X's championship, if only to set yet another example.

Far too many people are content with how things are right now, but I'm not one of those people. Until WZCW is a pile of rubble, I will not quit. Winning the Elite X Championship will only help me see that goal through faster."

I stepped out of the frame of the camera and walked into my locker room. I sat down, going through my final preparations. I sat in silence for a few moments until the door of my locker room was opened by the one person who understood what I was going through. We had much to talk about.

This was only the beginning.

Overall this is a decent RP - it's not setting the world ablaze but there are some really good ideas here. It's a shame you've used so many ideas in one RP though. It just feels like you've wasted a months worth of ideas in this RP alone. I've not read Triple X's RP but this is a good effort on the whole.

As ever, if you want to discuss it further you can PM me or whatever. I'd be happy to discuss your RP with you.

EDIT: I accidentally hit the wrong button whilst formatting this thing so it was only half done. I'll post in the Discussion thread to give you a heads up anyway but yeah - sorry about that.

EDIT #7 - for some reason the quotes have a mind of their own. It's driving me mad.

EDIT #4753 - I gave up, copied the damn thing into Word and changed the quote tags to spoiler tags. I almost rage quit this feedback.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Scott Williams:

- In some cases you seem to say something in ten words, when only seven are really needed.

- In other cases, you say something in one or two sentences when it could benefit more when said in twenty. (For example, actions or descriptions)

- It’s a pretty bland RP overall. You choose a setting that’s been done to death and tried to use the setting and character’s action and words in an attempted to tell us why he’s crazy or a badass, rather than showing us and allowing us to come to that conclusion on are own. Hell, at one point you even blatantly said “Our opponents are crap though.” You can’t get more generic than that.

- Grammar issues.

- Scott Williams also doesn’t really have a clear purpose, agenda, goal, voice etc.

- I’m all for using RPs to try and develop feuds on your own by calling out something or someone, but if you’re plan of attack is to go after Ty Burna, or anyone that’s really developed in WZCW, this RP isn’t going to come close to cutting it at all.


Krypto:

- Could you have picked a more vanilla name than Krypto? You’re supposed to be from another planet, another galaxy even and Krypto is the best thing you came up with? Why not just go as Alien, or E.T.? Borgfar would be a least a little more cleaver, and all I did was just random letters on my keyboard.

- I enjoyed the interactions between Krypto and Angel to the point where I could see them becoming a tag-team. The two characters seem like they would bring out the most character development in each other. Krypto is uncertain about human life and trying to fit in, while Angel accepts all of God’s creatures no matter race, size, gender etc.

- I liked how you got around to meeting Angel. It’s a very simple idea, Krypto looking for faith, but you pulled it off masterfully and it tied into your partner perfectly. You not only built yourself up, but also built your partner equally.

- It’s my personal preference but when I’m reading an RP, I don’t like to have to remember the speaking character by colour. I’d much rather read it like it was a script where the person speaking is clearly defined at the beginning of the sentence.

- After reading both your RP, and your partner’s RP, there was so much potential to have the two RPs tie into each others, and I was disappointed that it didn’t happen. If there had been some communication between both RPs, they could have flowed together nicely. Instead, they almost seem to contradict each other at times.


The Angel:

- Off the bat, I was excited about this new character. A Mexican Luchador that only knows God, wrestling and an orphanage in a small Mexican village, I was really looking forward to the potential of this character. Unfortunately, my expectations were much higher than the final result. I would like to see you really play up his Mexican heritage and the small Mexican village. He’d be very naïve but always having faith that no matter what was happening, it was the will of God.

- It almost seem like your partner had a bitter grasp on our character than you did.

- I doubt WZCW would advertise in a newspaper.

- This RP would have really benefited from more descriptions of details like the orphanage, the addition etc.

- It’s my personal preference but when I’m reading an RP, I don’t like to have to remember the speaking character by colour. I’d much rather read it like it was a script where the person speaking is clearly defined at the beginning of the sentence.

- Again, personal preference but one of my pet peeves for some unknown reason is when an RP starts with something like “The scene opens…” Scene for what? As the reader, we understand that this is taking place. When I tell a friend a story of something that happened earlier in the day, I don’t say “The scene opens with a man walking down a street. He walks into a bar.”

- After reading both your RP, and your partner’s RP, there was so much potential to have the two RPs tie into each others, and I was disappointed that it didn’t happen. If there had been some communication between both RPs, they could have flowed together nicely. Instead, they almost seem to contradict each other at times.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Justin Cooper:

- Very quick piece of feedback here: You did a really, really excellent job with your descriptions and details, but in my opinion, the dialog of Cooper just didn’t really fit the scene. The scene was building to a really dark and intense scene, and his words really didn’t share the same mood or reflect what was going on around him.


The Beard:

- Short and sweet. That’s not at all to be taken as a negative.

- Not too much happened here, but you were able to play off of your past experiences and matches in WZCW, as well as giving your match and opponents equal attention.

- I like the gimmick of The Beard. This huge, rugged brute who isn’t what he seems; A true example of don’t judge a book by its cover. I would like to see this played up more in the future. We’ve seen how he interacts with Talent and Emily, but I’m curious to see how strangers interact with him in a public setting like at a fancy restaurant.

- Beard is a perfect blend of elegance and friendly aggression.

- I like the use of Talent, even though he’s not currently wrestling in WZCW, you still manage to make him relevant and almost a “Non-Playable Character.” It’d be cool to see him appear every once in a while in a Beard RP, but if you do, make it for those special RPs.

- With there only being two or three tag-teams in WZCW, I can see a good partnership forming between The Beard and Masked Gentleman if you both should choose to want to walk down that road.




Masked Gentleman:

- With there only being two or three tag-teams in WZCW, I can see a good partnership forming between The Beard and Masked Gentleman if you both should choose to want to walk down that road.

- I really enjoyed the idea of solving for ‘X’. I thought it was a brilliant approach to not only your match, but possibly facing the current Elite X Champion, Triple X.

- I wasn’t sold on the math equation not going anywhere in the end and it just being a “test”. Was it a test for your Banks? Why would he need to be tested by The Gent? That was really my only complaint, I would have liked ‘X’ to be solved in a gentlemanly manner.

- With there only being two or three tag-teams in WZCW, I can see a good partnership forming between The Beard and Masked Gentleman if you both should choose to want to walk down that road.



Mick Overlast:

- I’m not sure why I want to call you Mike Overlast all the time. Not feedback, just felt like letting you know.

- Finding fans in the audience with faults similar of your opponents was a decent way of addressing/referring your opponents without being blatant about it.

- I don’t recall reading one of your RPs since my return, so I’m not sure if Overlast has always treated people this way, or if this is just an evolution of your character, post KC.

- You pulled out every heel tactic in the book. Mispronouncing names, attacking fans etc. It would’ve been nice to see something fresher.

- That new theme song; That’s a good, solid tune!

- Was your RP taking place during Ascension 50? That’s how I interpreted it, so I would expect it to also happen as I read the results of the show. Unless this took place during a commercial break before your match?

 

[JGlass]

BK201- You've come a long way since I last read one of your RPs, and I was pretty impressed by this outing. Your strength is definitely in your dialogue, which I thought was some of the most fluid dialogue I've read in out of an RP in some time. While it wasn't exactly the most interesting dialogue (though it wasn't too bland either), it did have an element of reality to it. Unlike most conversations we see happen in WZCW RPs, I could actually see this one happening.

That said, you fall into the trap of corniness that most RP'ers fall into. It's hard to recap matches and build your character's story at the same time. Doc and I are going through the same thing right now, but unlike you, we have two RPs to do it. I do commend you for not taking the easy way out and splitting your RP into two parts, as those almost always wind up being tedious reads. Still, I can't help but feel as if you can do more here. A conversation backstage is nice and all, but I think there's room to be more creative. You definitely have the writing ability, but do you have the imagination? If you can work on that, I think you could move up in the WZCW ranks.

When you first came here, I saw your character as a goody-two-shoes that made me gag. He was corny, and your RPs matched. But I get it now, it's a decent gimmick, and your RPs are really easy to read because of how natural everything seems. I see how you've managed to hold onto the belt for so long, and while I'm not sure you'll have it after this weekend, I think you have a pretty good shot.

If I had to give this RP a grade, I'd give it a B-. I loved the dialogue, but I felt that Triple X could be doing more than sitting around doing nothing, and I thought you could have worked the two stories you're telling into one a little better. You'll win many mid-card matches with this formula, but you're going to get a shot at the big dogs on day, and you're going to need more than this.

 

[BK Styles]

Mick Overlast

First off, many thanks for the feedback last round. I had intended to do feedback for feedback, so I apologise for not giving you any last round (personal problems and the like).

Now, the RP...I really like the premise of your RP. A straight out promo in front of the fans at a show seems pretty obvious on first glance, but if you nail it, it really works. And you did just that. The one problem here is that you made it crystal clear last week that the RP was before the show, and it worked really well. This week, it wasn't as clear, and it could have easily been during the show itself.

The actual content...vintage heel. Again, nothing really revolutionary in terms of what was said, but you took the tools that have been used before and used them well, and there's nothing really wrong with that. You also used the commentary team very well to the point that it actually felt like I was reading one of the shows, so nicely done. If anything, it reminded me of Orton mid-evolution, and his 'take a look at greatness' promo, which isn't a bad thing at all.

If there's anything I'd complain about, its the repeated setting, but to be honest I don't see that as a huge issue (partially because I'm sure I (and many others) have done it from time to time). Just make sure you don't rely on this setting consecutively, and mix it up a bit.

There really isn't much else to say, really. Good, solid work here, and it leaves you with a very good chance in this match. You and I have had the chance to face each other before and I have to say, this is much better than your work back then. And there wasn't much wrong with it at that point either. Best of luck in this one, man.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Steamboat Ricky (Steamboat Ricky) - This RP actually had me laughing all around. It was really witty and clever. I know you didn’t have that much time to really focus on your RP, so I won’t be too harsh. My real problem with the RP was the lack of some description. You could have said some more about Ace Stevens. I did like it because it was short.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Sam smith- I started this role play off with a bit of bad taste in my mouth right at the beginning. I've seen a lot of role plays, and styles that I don't like. Two types of role plays really don't sit well with me for some reason. Reply role plays, thank god we have none of them in wzcw anymore. They are usually limited to the every week fed. Role plays that are right before the match, they always seem so damn rushed to me. But I'm giving this a real shot here, broski.

I've always enjoyed using Leon, enjoying the use of him. Slightly showing that he really does have a small backbone, people use him to often and push him around. Personally I would have liked to see why he was kind of mad. That's just me, maybe you could touch on that in your next role play?

I like this style, I really do. No ass kissing, it's like Sam smith is narrating his own roleplay. I read it in Morgan Freemans voice, lol.

I like this heel, Crock you don't need a gimmick for this. I really like this role play, it's something that I actually tried when I was mayhem champion. Using the lower status of the division to put me higher in the minds of others. You are a heel, you were better than how you were treated. Keep this up, I can actually see your character saying this. It's flowing nicely,

I would have liked to see you rip into XXX more, that was good. But maybe you could have tore down his reign a little bit?

This was the line that sold it for me: " You know, I almost feel bad. The Elite X Championship means everything to you -- I know how that is -- but in a way, when I take it from you, I will only help you. I will show you what wrestling and WZCW are all about. Glory, respect, it all means jack shit"

Exactly, this fits what you are trying to sell. This is great, I liked this role play a lot more than your first one. I think this match can go either way though. In the end, I read this twice. I found that I enjoyed it both times, I can believe a disgruntled Sam smith. This was more of a review, actual "feedback" was pointless here. I could have tried to nit pick, but I can't find anything.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Joe Mason (Tyndall) – Now I want to welcome you back to the fed. And may I say it will be an honor beating you.

Now, I want to say this is a very good RP indeed. It wasn’t all that long to read which I do like. I however didn’t like the usage of the bartender. I think he could have used a better touch up. I liked how you used Mike as you helping man, but isn’t that why you have Tony. Clearly he could have been used for that as well. I liked the usage of David Richman very much. I just find it kind of strange that he was able to come in to the locker room without any questions asked. If you wanted it to be real as possible then you could have approached this new NPC in some other fashion. I liked what you had to say opponents, especially me . I just feel weird about the ending and how you didn’t get into the match rules. Maybe have Richman get a copy of the rules from WZCW.com and give some detail on them to Mason.

I know a lot of these sounds negative, but I’m just trying to help you out upon your return. I feel like you missed out on a couple of things that could have been better. Keep up the good work, bro.

Derek Jacobs (Meeks) – As I’m doing some feedback for one of my opponents, I thought about giving some to all of them.

First thing that comes to mind is, why so early man? I know it’s your decision and you can do whatever you. I just feel like if you take a couple of more days you can see some errors in your RP. I know it sounds bad, but I just think that you should wait around a little longer. Now with that out of the way I just must say that I quite enjoyed the beginning of the RP. Was it a bad dream? Was it something that really happened in the life of Jacobs? That’s the beauty of it. Now I do hope you PMed Baker, so you could use him. I like how you use the aggression of Derek. I just feel like you could have talked about everyone involved the match. You got to have something to say about everyone. I so like how you mention that you can be a better champion than Baker and that in it is a goal to have.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Krypto (Dynamite) – Very nice RP man. I must say that I am impressed with this RPs. However, here are some suggestions.

Now my first complain with the RP is that you tell you the reader that Krypto is not an alien. It would be okay if you had mentioned it once pr twice even, but you did it quite some times. If you want to tell us he isn’t an alien then try to be a bit of cryptic about it. Have some type of illusion in your dialogue and description. Try to work with some different types of writing styles. I would also recommend to have given the janitor a made up name or something. That also goes for any other character that is not going to be your NPC. Give some real life feel to the RP. As JGlass said try to tell us how Krypto found the church. Did he interact with someone or what? What you personally do if you saw a guy dressed as an alien? You really did hit Angel on the nail in this RP. I also want to tell you that you need to get RJX as an NPC. If you are going to use him more frequently use him then give us a more visual aspect on what he looks like if we were to see it.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

Awesome_Miz (Darren Bull)

My apologies for the delay, but here goes:
I really liked the first interactions Bull has between Chris and his father, particularly whenever Chris says "So, you think you can be free from prison and start drinking like nothing ever happened?" I personally understand how accurate that is.
But never mind my personal life. Moving on...
I loved the radio interview deal; emphasizing your opponents' weaknesses, especially Mason's, was great... but why would Bull air out his plans? They will then be anticipated... but that's probably just me.
Overall, great RP. There were a few grammar errors, but it happens, and you are a fellow Texan, and I know the education system there as well as you do, so I won't be on your case about that.
Looking forward to beating you in the Relay match...
But seriously, looking forward to reading your future RPs. Just work on that grammar and maybe add some little details and all shall be well.

 

[TBK]

Derek Jacobs

-I actually enjoyed the opening bit on the definition mayhem. It might be cliche, but it's effective and reminds them what they're about to experience with your match.

-Your actions tend to switch between going into parentheses and not. I'm all for different styles, but is there a reason that you couldn't have just broken up the text a bit and added the action there? Was the fact there's no color around his name when talking to himself intentional? Really, you look at everyone on the roster, you'll notice the style itself doesn't have to be much, just easy to read and get a story across. Stick to simplicity.

-Not a requirement, but it's nice to paint pictures with your words. Make sure everyone's seeing what you see. Mentioning the trauma from waking up from a nightmare of your parent's funeral or the scene at the funeral itself would have been nice.

-I understand I'm one to talk (I blame grammar check betraying me), but I notice a few grammar issues. For example, considering it's a title, the name would be "Home Run Derby: Extreme Edition." Capitalization is important on titles.

-Overall, I think you've improved leaps and bounds from when I first got here...but you still have ways to go, as do I. Stick to a style and slowly work on mastering that style.

Scott Williams

-Intentionally silly raps are a guilty pleasure. I like the idea, and it's relevant considering your opponent.

-Style wise, I like it. Formatting is neat, you have an idea that can work.

-It seems a tad short and you hardly touched on your opponent. You had many things you could have done with the promo. You even had a really fun one with the rap to make fun of your opponent...but man, that's about all you did. This could have meant something and it just sort of didn't.

-From the NPC sections, I knew Ross was supposed to be his brother, but I feel like at least somewhere in the text it was worth mentioning.

-I see potential, at least. I feel like I don't really know Scott Williams, but you have time to work on that. My best suggestion would be on tightening up your character himself and practice on working with promos. I wish to see what Scott Williams brings to WZCW and why I should care about him. I can tell you have it in you. You sort of remind myself at some points.


Titus

-The idea of this promo is great and it paints a picture without needing to say much.

-I love the style and the voice. It feels very unique and to be honest, like something I would see in an actual wrestling federation.

-A tad minor, but grammar seems a bit off once or twice. There's should be a comma after "Firstly" in the third to last line from Titus.

-This promo was a bit of a breath of fresh air. It's a somewhat original idea and you managed to cover everything and give it just enough attention. I'll be honest, despite hearing nothing but good things about you, I actually haven't checked out your work until now. Thought your promo was neat, though. I'll be sure to check out your promos as they come out.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Connor Reese

First off Mr. Remix I'll say that I have never read any of your old stuff but from what people have told me you come in strong with a good character but you fizzle out. When I inquired about that further I was told you have a history of rather gimmicky characters. Reese has a bit of that feel to him in the sense that he a "the next big thing" type of character. However I don't think he is too gimmicky to flame out quickly.

My biggest pet peeve when reading RPs is when people use a light color for text. The light blue you used isn't the worst but there are better choices. If I was voting I wouldn't hold color choice against you though. Its just a personal annoyance trying to read light color on a white background.

I like the Q&A/Press conference theme. Very nice for a debuting character with the gimmick that you have. It felt a bit heelish though. I know one of his weaknesses is that he is an asshole and I like that you use your weakness in the RP, but I can't help but feel it isn't suited for a face. Still I can overlook for now because you may have something planned that we don't know about yet.

I think you at your opponents a little hard for a face, and I would have liked to learn a little more about the STA but all in all I felt it was a good RP for a debuting character.

Krypto

A lot of information to take in this round.

Your use of RJ may very well be my favorite part of Krypto. He is sort of the yin to Krypto's yang. You do a solid job of portraying them with opposite attitudes and outlooks. The new NPC has some potential as well. Still a work in progress though. It will be interesting to see how their dynamic works. Eventually you think that Lars would figure out something is wrong with Krypto and find out he isn't just RPing as an alien.

The little bit about Scumm's last name was worth a little grin. You have read my character, I enjoy comedy bits.

Overall the promo you worked on Scumm was good. I like how you used not only your character but the NPCs as well.

I mentioned it in Remix's feedback but light colors are hard to read, but the gray that you used for Becky was almost unnoticeable. When I saw it I thought my screen was messing up. I'd go with a darker color next time. When you use multiple characters I know it gets hard but purple is always a good choice, especially for feminine characters, but its just a pet peeve of mine and I wouldn't hold it against you if I voted.

All in all I liked this RP. It was a little longer than your normal RPs but it worked this time. I think you still have some things to work on as far as matching Krypto to his character. Yeah we get that he is a guy who thinks he is an alien but work some of his strengths and weaknesses into your RPs, work some of the gimmick characteristics in. Personally I think the part where he invades people's personal space has potential. Just work on developing the character more and you should be good

Scott Williams

First off I would like to say that you have pretty good descriptions. That was evident from your first RP. You had a tendency to go too into detail, especially with the little things that showed Scott's anger but you did tone down on those and thats an improvement.

You did the rap about Marquel, and personally I'm not a fan. Its been done before and hasn't worked. I know this was only your second RP, so you haven't been around long but it never hurts to go back and see what has worked for others in the past. Marquel is a guy who had a decent run as Mayhem champion and lost in a brutal match to end his feud with Ace Stevens. It isn't always fun and can be time consuming but you can go back and look at your opponents history and it does help. I have a win over Marquel myself and I looked back on his last couple matches to help me.

I did like how you mentioned your loss the week before. I also think it fits the character that he blamed it on someone else. Also I liked the bit about management hiring freaks. Fits well with the character.

I feel like you go over the top with Scott's anger though. The twitching, the kicking the TV, the slamming TV, all of that stuff seems a little much. It makes it less dramatic and powerful when he does get upset. He is a bit crazy but I think you could afford to tone it down and still be effective.

This RP was better than your last and you have good grammar and spelling, so thats always a plus but you still have work to do. Probably going to drop to 0-2 but you made strides and the goal is in sight, just keep working at it.

 

[ABMorales787]

Meeks/Derek Jacobs


* Right off the bat I noticed a problem. The narrative dictating the surroundings mixes with the opening bit and what the reverend is saying due to it all being the same format. If you don't read carefully, you can't tell them apart.

* Grammar. Either that or I don't know my English preacher speeches. It's probably the latter.

* It took me a while to realize the initial part was a dream. Might want to point that out next time.

* The narrative and the e-mail blend in just like the preacher, definition and opening.

* There were notable inconsistencies with your formatting. If you look at the RP again, you can notice them. Especially when the promo starts.

* Storyline-wise, I felt this one was one big "I'm gonna beat you". Besides the dream at the beginning. Which kinda didn't fit well. I realize it says Derek's parents die, but that just dangles at the end. There isn't any reason to get attached to it. It's a great hook though. Definably something worth expanding greatly on your next RP's, but maybe expanding on this one would have been better.

*The way I see it, if the RP started showing Derek at his parent's funeral, you should've built a connection that related whatever incident occurred to Ace Stevens. His blind rage at the end and the dream would've fitted a lot better and given the RP a far more intriguing story to tell.

* Comparing RP's, Ace's RP is faaar superior on it's esthetics. It's a very unique look, but that doesn't win it all. He's shorter on discussing you than you are discussing him, so this one may come down to the wire. I'll be honest. You'd have a clear win if you'd expanded the whole "dead parents" thing and even connected it in some way, via something similar, to Ace.

Good luck. By the way, happy birthday you sanafabitch!

 

[Lee]

The Masked Gentleman/TBK

Firstly I don't think I've got round to welcoming you to the fed, I hope you enjoy it here.

• I like the description, it really set the scene very clearly and it's one of those ones that I think anyone reading would get the same image.
• The part where you said "On the somewhat small roadway leading to the circle, it is surrounded by finely trimmed hedges complimentary of the gardener and butler, Mr. Liam Banks, except for a small space on the right reserved for a fountain." just seemed a bit too much.
• That being said I'm glad you mentioned the gardener/butlers name. I've never read one of your RPs before so to mention who a NPC is in the description helps a lot. I wish more people did this.
• I think this will come with time but I didn't really liked the formalities with Leon here, even when he called himself Kensworth. He'd opt for Leon but it's a minor thing.
• I loved the getting into the character mindset with a drunk gent. Some may see it as an easy way to do it an RP but I quite like this style. It keeps them fresh and different.
• A formatting error after the literally where the Gent is in Leon's colour.
• I love the Scarlet Pimpernel, great book. It also gets us to see some of your inspiration.
• You used a gentleman when it should have been gentlemen.
• All in all I very much enjoyed this RP, was quite interesting to see the desires of the character in this fed.
• Poor Leon.
  

 

[GI Cake]

Scott Williams: (Spear)

First of all man, welcome to WZCW. I don't think I ever gave you feedback, so I figured I should try and help you out and help you improve. All my feedback is not negative but constructive. I'm not writing this to hurt your feelings or discourage you, but to help you.

First thing I want to address is the rap. Now, everyone who faced Marquel in this fed who rapped in their RP have one thing in common, and that is they lost. It is unique to Marquels character and it works for him because it is who the character is. Trying to take that away from him with your own corny rap only caused me to press my hand firmly against my face. It is a good idea to look back at someone's past RP's and see what was used to beat another character, but it is an even better one to look back and see what didn't work.

Now the way you use your description is with the short and sweet approach. You don't do much to create the scene but you do spend quite a lot of your RP describing what Scott was wearing. Now with most writing, if you describe what one character is willing with detail, you would want to do the same for every character. I could see what Scott was wearing, and where he was standing. But when Ross enters, I can only assume he is this.

Another thing that is important to dialog is adding emotion to the dialog. You can say something, but if you say in specific way it can mean something else entirely. For example I will use this little part of your RP.

"After Mom died, I was forced to look after you. I've failed"

Now with this sentence, the character could have meant much more with how he said it. Was he ashamed of himself? Was he ashamed of his brother? Was he angry? Upset? You can make a story so much more dynamic if you add that kind of element.

The character Scott Williams is mysterious, but not in the mysterious like "oh my god, I want to see more" like the Undertaker, but more mysterious like what is wrong with this weirdo? >.> Why is this guy twitching and freaking out? Was he touched when he was a little kid? Was his baby-sitter Sandusky? Was he a crack baby? Crazy characters are cool when done right. Barbosa for example is one of the most interesting characters I have ever seen. But because he plays it so well. Saboteur is another fine example about crazy done right. Where I come from, twitching and random outbursts just means you're tweaking.

 

[Miko]

Matt Tastic: I tend to skim over nearly everyones RP's, mainly to see if I get a mention anywhere. So I have read a few of yours before. But I can already name my first fault, not once is S.H.I.T mentioned anywhere.

BANG!

Dammit another loss!

And all that jazz!

In truth I rolled my eyes a bit at that part, as my first thought was, "oh right, plucky babyface vows to come back from a loss, not seen that before" but hey, as I got deeper into the RP it got better. It's not an entirely original idea, in fact its one that gets seen a lot, but in fairness you did make it interesting. Your speech about the "gay people" I thought you'd be parodying Kurt Angle a bit, but it was a nice little metaphor, speaking out well and truly against the idea I got from the begginning of your RP, although it is kind of similar to what Celeste was trying after Kingdom Come.

The final speech was easily the strongest part of your RP, your other RP's I've read have all been a bit flat by comparison. Its hard to explain, it sort of came alive, not once was my mind idly distracted by the prospect of throwing a stone at a cat thats getting near my avery, so my two dead birds, their blood is on your hands.

Aside from that, yeah there are some spelling errors, I think your description could use a little work, I dont mean go all out like some other people do, just little things like "he sits down with a depressed look on his face." I cant buy into it, it can take me right out of the thing because the wording just doesnt seem to flow nicely enough. Matt thumps the wall, its written down, so obviously it happened, just doesnt feel like it did sometimes.

 

[GI Cake]

Darren Bull: (Awesome Miz)

I'm going to have to be frank to you man, and I hope you take this to heart. But it seems like every week you take one step forward, and then two steps back with your RP's. I still see quite a lot of the errors that you've made in the past that people have explained to yeah when they gave feedback to yeah. It gets annoying to say the same things over to you before people just get fed up with telling you.

To start off the feedback, I want to address to you some of your dialog that just seems so jumbled up. Here is an example.

What is it that you need to tell?

Say that line in your head. Now say that out loud, does it sound like it makes any real sense? After you finish a few lines of dialog say them aloud and see if it sounds fluent.

I said this earlier in my feedback to Spear, but I'll say it again, showing some emotion in the dialog is important. It is an easy read to clue in the reader how a character feels when they say something.

What are you doing here in the wrestler’s locker room? Aren’t you supposed to be in the divas locker room?

Now with this line, if you add just a touch of emotion and feeling, we can get a clue or at least an idea on how Darren is feeling. Is he mad, is he upset, or does he really need to poop?

It was complete chaos and I liked.

This is another line where I couldn't help myself but think you didn't read through your RP before you posted it. You use dialog in the majority of your RP but at the same time your dialog is the weakest part of your writing. It just feels so jumbled and incomplete.

I noticed you once again changed styles, instead of writing in the third person you're writing in first person. A lot of people are having success writing in first person, so I can't hold anything negative to it. But you need to find a style of writing that makes you the most comfortable. If you have the time, write the same RP in different styles, after you finish pick out the one that was easier for you to write.

This is more of a pet peeve more than anything else. But it kinda bothers me you shorten all the names of the shows. It just doesn't read right to me. When Yazloz and I talk on Xbox about the fed. The conversation usually goes as follows.

"Hey Mikey, you're fat."

"Well at Kingdom Come, my fat ass took your title."

"Well at Meltdown, I'm going to kick your ass."

We don't refer to Meltdown as MD, or Ascension as AS, or even Aftershock as AF. It just isn't natural. Like I said before, this is more of a pet peeve than anything but it feels like just another bump on the road when reading your RP.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Mikey Stormage.

Well first thing I have to say it seems as though we are seeing a more serious side to Strikeforce. Usually we see a more happier funner Mikey but here we see him more aggressive and angry which isn't a bad thing coming off a loss. And actually it makes sense for you and Howard to be the more serious team seeing as it would be a lot more difficult to be more ridiculous than Sabo/Saxton.

The fat jokes and stuff with Runn are always entertaining as usual.

It seems as though you a slowly turning heel, don't know if you are or not, it's just how parts of your RP came off to me.

I really like the thing about the ants at the beginning and end, I'm always a sucker for philosohpy in writing.

I'm sorry there's not much I can say you need to improve on, all in all I'm really interested in seeing where this Strikeforce/HSTD (I think that's their name) goes. I've always liked the way you and Shotaro write first person though so you should always continue doing that.