Movie Review Thread

[Mitch Henessey]

The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia (2013)

In 1993, the Wyrick family prepares to move into their new home, and Lisa Wyrick (Abigail Spencer) continues to fight a series of supernatural visions. The new home is in the backwoods of Georgia, and Lisa’s sister, Joyce (Katee Sackhoff) moves into the rundown trailer home in the front yard.

The Wyrick’s and Joyce don’t encounter any major problems at first, but when Lisa’s daughter, Heidi (Emily Alyn Lind) experiences her mother’s supernatural visions, the Wyricks and Joyce fear the worst. The situation becomes more complicated, when Heidi forms a bond with an imaginary friend named Mr. Gordy. After a visit from the local pastor, the Wyricks and Joyce learn the truth about the troubled past for their new house: the land surrounding the Wyrick’s home housed runaway slaves in an Underground Railroad station. Mr. Gordy was a real person, and a relative of Mr. Gordy was the Stationmaster. Mr. Gordy’s relative was an obsessive taxidermist, and he was murdered for protecting the runaway slaves.

Heidi’s father, Andy (Chad Michael Murray) is trying to keep the family together, and Joyce urges Heidi to embrace the family gift. Heidi’s visions are becoming more intense, and Lisa struggles to fight her addiction to anti-depressant pills. Through a series of dreams and visions, Heidi, Lisa, and Joyce slowly unravel the mystery of Mr. Gordy, the taxidermist, and the history of the Underground Railroad station. The women uncover shocking secrets on their path to the truth, leading them to two questions: Was Mr. Gordy’s relative really a hero? Or was he hiding something unholy beneath the Underground Railroad station?

Very solid cast overall, and Abigail Spencer delivers the strongest performance here. Sackhoff is enjoyable as the eccentric freeloader, and Cicely Tyson’s brief cameo as the blind visitor is genuinely creepy.

I have no complaints about the acting, but the directing is a mess. Director Tom Elkins convulsive style turns Ghosts Of Georgia into a massive clusterfuck. And Elkins constant usage of random flashbacks are really annoying. Throughout this film, flashbacks constantly pop into present settings at a hectic pace, and the overwhelming barrage of footage from the past almost gave me a headache. Plus, Lisa, Joyce, and Heidi’s sporadic sightings of dead people cause too many unintentional laughs.

I guess Elkins wanted to add more intensity to this film, but his unfocused style is too distracting. A prime example of Elkins’ style hurting Ghosts Of Georgia is the calamity of flashback footage and quick cutaways during a ridiculous and over the top exorcism scene.

Overkill is another problem here. When Heidi vomits maggots, worms, roaches, other insects, and some sort of sawdust-like material, it’s a repulsive and cringing sight…….after the first time. But Ghosts Of Georgia runs the uncontrollable vomiting stuff into the ground with Joyce, Heidi, and Lisa. The “dead people, who pop out of nowhere with an emotionless demeanor ” trick is good for a few jump scares at first, but this trick loses its shock factor after thirty minutes or so.

Apparently, Ghosts Of Georgia is loosely based on real life events, and you’ll see a photo of the real Wyrick family at the very end. Basing Ghosts Of Georgia on real life events probably provided strong feelings of realism for others, but it didn’t work for me. Sorry, but the wild and over the top conclusion was too far-fetched, and Elkins directing didn’t help anything.

It’s a shame, because Ghosts Of Georgia has a very thought-provoking premise, and Elkins style is annoying, but I’ll give him credit for a few jump scares. And Joyce’s stitch and needles scene is really gruesome and sickening. Still, Ghosts Of Georgia is a very boring film, the runtime really drags, and one hour and forty minutes feels like an eternity.

I won’t go on a rant about the senseless Georgia part of the title, but apparently, The Haunting In Connecticut is going to devolve into another shitty straight-to-video horror series. I’m pretty sure Ghosts Of Georgia doesn’t share any ties with the original film, because I honestly didn’t notice any key details from The Haunting In Connecticut. So I guess they’re taking the stand-alone route for the next set of films, and Gold Circle (the studio) already revealed the title for the new film: The Haunting In New York. I would give another Haunting film a chance, but I’m not happy about the choice for the new screenwriter. It’s Sean Hood, and for those of you, who don’t know, Hood is the same guy, who co-wrote the epic turd known as Halloween: Resurrection. Oh, and please don’t add Connecticut to the title again, because The Haunting In Connecticut 3: Ghosts Of New York just sounds silly.

Rating: 3/10

 

[dukes07]

Sheriff, not sure if you have seen it but the Pact is a pretty decent "B" horror movie (IFC I think, so it might be on TV a lot).

Some more cheesy ones that you may or may not have seen: Splinter(s), the Bay, Monsters and Stakeland. Some are more sci-fi with horror elements.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

I plan on watching The pact and The Bay, and I watched Stakeland a while ago, outstanding vampire flick. I didn't care for Monsters, though. A very boring and pretentious found-footage sci-fi/horror movie. The two lead cast members didn't have any chemistry at all, and the political and war allegories are kind of annoying.

 

[dukes07]

I plan on watching The pact and The Bay, and I watched Stakeland a while ago, outstanding vampire flick. I didn't care for Monsters, though. A very boring and pretentious found-footage sci-fi/horror movie. The two lead cast members didn't have any chemistry at all, and the political and war allegories are kind of annoying.

I forgot about the end of Monsters. I have a movie/beer night once a week and I think I was pretty lit up when I watched. The ending was fairly awful. The Bay is okay. It is a message film too, but at the same time it was actually fairly credible.

A movie that surprised me was the new Thing. It was not spectacular but it certainly had its moments; it was decently acted and well made. A tad similar to the 82 version and not even close to being as good but in this era of remakes and sequels etc, it was not half bad.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

I hated The Thing remake/prequel. At first, I thought it was just a knee-jerk reaction after watching it in theaters. If I have problems going to sleep, I'll watch The Thing on HBO (or Cinemax) late at night. It's a good way to pass the time, and I have more chances to analyze the movie (probably three or four more views). And I still couldn't stand it each time. The Thing 2011 being an unbearable bore is one of my main complaints, and the glossy CGI is infuriating. Joel Edgerton, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (ESPECIALLY Winstead) tried their best, but they couldn't save the remake/prequel.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Twixt

Hall Baltimore (Val Kilmer) is an alcoholic and struggling horror novelist, who’s stuck in a deep depression after his young daughter’s untimely death. The latest entry in his witch hunting series is a failure, and Hall’s overzealous wife, Denise (Joanne Whalley) is trying to figure out a solution for the stacks of overdue bills.

Desperate, Hall agrees to host a book signing in a small town’s hardware store. Eventually, Hall teams up with the local sheriff to write a new horror novel on vampires. But during a series of dreams, Hall uncovers unsolved murder mysteries and the evil intentions of a local gothic cult.

In his dreams, Hall forms a bond with Edgar Allan Poe (Ben Chaplin), and a vampiric girl named V (Elle Fanning). With Poe and V’s help, Hall learns more secrets, and Hall uses his dreams as an inspiration for the new vampire novel. Ignoring all warnings, Hall digs deeper into the mystery during his dreams, while enduring some intense pressure from his antsy publisher. Will Hall succumb to the pressure of producing a new hit? Or is solving the local murder mystery more important?

Some critics peg Godfather III as the beginning of a downfall for Francis Ford Coppola’s career. But those complaints are over exaggerated, because it’s hard (or damn near impossible) to follow in the footsteps of Godfather and Godfather II. No, Jack (that shitty comedy with Robin Williams and Jennifer Lopez) is the low point in Coppola’s career. Unfortunately, you won’t see Godfather III Coppola here. Instead, you’ll see Jack Coppola.

Coppola had great success in the horror genre with Bram Stoker’s Dracula, but Coppola’s directing forTwixt isn’t something to brag about. The CGI is very cheap and tacky, the split screen web cam point of view reaches the point of overkill during the early stages of the movie, and the blending of vibrant colors in a black and white setting didn’t do anything for me. During Hall’s dream sequences, you’ll see bright yellow lemons, red splatters of blood, and Edgar Allan Poe’s glowing lantern. Meanwhile, the backdrop of each scene is black and white. This technique didn’t help Twixt‘s frightless atmosphere. The blending of colors just made everything feel more cartoonish.

Coppola will always be remembered as a great director, and rightfully so. But his style for Twixt is VERY bland and dull, and I honestly can’t think of one good jump scare from this film. I think it‘s safe to say we‘ll never see Godfather or Apocalypse Now Coppola again, and Tetro (in 2008 or 2009, I think) was his last watchable film.

I didn’t care about, or like any of the characters here. You can feel for Hall, as the grieving father and struggling writer. But as the story develops, Hall turns into this sleazy douchebag, who’ll do anything to find inspiration for his new book. Elle Fanning’s V is too shallow, and her character receives some of the worst dialogue in this entire movie. The sheriff and his deputy are gullible hillbillies, and the sheriff constantly succumbs to his awestruck feelings for the big-time writer from the city. Denise is the typical nagging and overbearing wife, Hall’s publisher is the pushy boss, and Chaplin’s Poe is a lifeless imitation of the famous poet. The cast deserves a lot of credit for effort, but the characters were poorly written, and I saw one too many stereotypes throughout this film.

Coppola also wrote the screenplay, and Twixt’s muddled story is really frustrating. Twixt is supposed to be a murder mystery with supernatural elements, but it’s hard to stay in suspension of disbelief mode. The story takes so many wild and silly turns, and after a while, I couldn’t take this film seriously anymore. The dialogue veers into campy territory too often, causing some really awkward and unintentional funny moments, and the grand finale is so contrived and underwhelming.

In the end, Twixt is a boring and bland horror film with horrendous special effects, and no real jump scares, suspense, or tension. Jack is still my pick for Coppola’s worst film as director, but Twixt is a close second, and that’s saying something.

Rating: 1/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

cellular- This was my first time seeing Chris Evans in anything (except not another teen movie). his sexiness, acting ability, and sense of humor were all five stars.

enjoyable movie 8/10

 

[Danger Burger]

DIE HARD 4.0
​

As we all know yesterday was valentines day, so I sat myself and the lady down to DIE HARD 4.0 (also known as Live Free of Die Hard). Here are my thought:

Firstly, going in, I was pretty worried this was going to be a horribly self-aware movie, much like the abomination that was Expendables 2. Its part of the reason I hadn't tried to see it till now. I was pleasantly surprised. Die Hard usually grows each film, from a building to an airport, to a city and in this we get to save the home of the brave and the land of the free in its entirety. Right now I wish I had spell-check. I can only assume the new movie will save the planet.

Willis has this character down to a tee, doing a much finer Detective Joe Leland than Frank Sinatra. Scruffy and sharp-tongued, nothing much has changed since the first film, beyond the hairline. John McLain is impossible to dislike, so you can throw him in any situation and he'll be fine.

The action is supoibe. Plenty of gunfighting and explosions, but I never felt, as I expected, that any sharks were jumped. Even when killing a helicopter with a car, or fighting a jet with a truck. Honestly, it seemed perfectly reasonable, and I put that down to Bruce Willis perfectly playing up the unsure if this will work but i'll hive it a try anyway method. Theres also an entire scene of him beating up a woman. I laughed.

Justin Long did a great job as the unfortunate hacker getting dragged along through all the nonsense, and his character has a pretty cool arc from Zero to Hero. I guess I've always been a fan of the guy, but he still did a cool job. No critisisms here. Olyphant is decent as the bad guy, but I dont particularly remember anything blowing me away, and the same goes for McClains daughter.

The story was good, interesting, and better than a simple bunch of bombs kind of problem. Pretty good that it was a problem that McClain couldnt have solved by himself so we get a new character and dynamic. Just remembered, I had thought the side-kick was Le Boeuf from the trailer, but I was wrong!

TL;DR:

Pros: Bruce, BANG!, plot.

Cons: Maybe a little over the top, but after 20 minutes, you know youre watching Die Hard and you stop giving a damn.

The perfect valentines day movie. 7/10, it's good, really enjoyable and nothing too heavy in it. 'splosions by the hand full and a good amount of one liners to shake loose the tension. Good acting, good story. Do it.

Afterword: Watched this on Valentines Day with my lady. Its our anniversary today... So were going to check out the new one. Romance, yo. I'll probably review that in a few days too!

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Movie 43 (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Charlie Wessler (Dennis Quaid) is down on his luck. Charlie tries to pitch a unique idea for a movie to Griffin Schraeder (Greg Kinnear), a film executive. Charlie proposes an idea that would involve various comedy shorts featuring notable Hollywood stars. Charlie’s edginess and vulgarity is too much for Griffin, but Charlie forces Griffin into a meeting to discuss the film at gunpoint. Griffin must convince his boss, Bob (Common) to buy the movie, and he must interrupt a very important meeting with Seth MacFarlane to do so. Charlie needs the money and fame to resurrect his career, and “The Pitch” could give him one more shot at stardom.

Movie 43 is not funny. I might as well get that out of the way now, because I’ll probably go on another long rant. Movie 43 tries WAY too hard. Being outrageous and vulgar is one thing, but when you constantly shove gross-out gags and profane comedy down the audience’s throat, the jokes just lose their shock factor after a while. Movie 43 is a prime example for one of the worst cases of overkill I’ve ever seen in any type of movie. And here come the examples (in no specific order, just picking out the worst ones)!

#1- Beth (Kate Winslet) is looking for the right guy, so she goes on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), a wealthy and successful businessman. Beth is overwhelmed with joy…..until Davis removes his scarf to reveal a scrotum attached to his chin.

My Thoughts: Eh, the shock factor of seeing Hugh Jackman with a scrotum attached to his chin wore off pretty quickly for me. It wasn’t funny, and the over the top antics didn’t help anything. And for some strange reason Beth is the ONLY person, who notices, and has a problem with Davis’ unusual condition? Okay then. I’ll give Kate Winslet and Jackman credit for effort, but Jackman’s freak show carny character wasn‘t funny. In fact, the bearded lady would’ve been a better choice.

#2- Jason (Chris Pratt) and Vanessa (Anna Faris) have plans to take their relationship to the next level. During a picnic, Jason prepares to propose to Vanessa, but before he can pop the big question, Vanessa reveals her fantasy: she wants Jason to defecate on her. Jason is the loyal husband, so he decides to honor Vanessa’s request by loading up on Mexican food and a liquid laxative. But Jason and Vanessa run into some problems on the big night.

My Thoughts:What…the fuck? Truth be told, I knew the big secret behind this short, because I watched the red band trailers. STILL, this. Was. Not. Funny! The shitty conclusion (no pun intended) involves Jason running out into the street to catch Vanessa after an argument. And as he’s chasing his girlfriend, Jason is hit by a car in the rear, and Jason has an accident on impact. Pratt and Faris are married in real life, so I guess they felt comfortable doing this bizarre short with each other. But I couldn’t get into this. I just couldn’t. There’s a scene, where Jason discusses the strategy for the big night with his friends during a barbecue, while Vanessa decorates a cake with poo colored frosting. Yeah.

3#- Emily (Halle Berry) and Donald (Stephen Merchant) are on a blind date at a Mexican restaurant. Emily and Donald met each other through an online dating service, but Emily is bored during the date, so she decides to spice things up with a risky game of truth or dare.

My Thoughts: Overkill is a reoccurring problem for Movie 43, and this short is a prime example of the second biggest problem here. The game of truth or dare between Emily and Donald wasn’t bad at first. Emily dares Donald to grab a guy’s butt, and Donald dares Emily to blow out the candles on a blind kid’s birthday cake. But they ran the dare gimmick into the ground. Halle Berry fills up a turkey baster with hot sauce, and she sticks it in her……well, just use your imagination. And somehow they managed to top the awfulness of that dare with dueling plastic surgery dares between Emily and Donald. Halley Berry’s prosthetic, floppy, and large breasts brought a facepalm out of me, and during another dare, Berry dips her breasts in guacamole sauce.

4#- Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) are home schooling their son, Kevin (Jeremy Allen White). But Robert and Samantha’s odd methods raise some serious questions for two visiting neighbors.

My Thoughts: Well, Robert and Samantha are home schooling Kevin, but they decide to bully him at the same time. That’s right. And the methods of bullying include, but are not limited to, tying Kevin to a flagpole in the front yard, using feces to write obscenities on his chest, locking him outside of the house during a party, and teasing incest. Again, I tried to laugh, but I just couldn’t.

Movie 43 is a giant shit-fest. The novelty of popular celebrities humiliating themselves didn’t last long for me. In fact, this novelty wore off in the first fifteen minutes. I was HOPING for Movie 43 to get better as time passed, but it didn’t. Also, Snooki has a cameo in this film.

The superhero skit was incredibly lame, because it revolved around Batman being a dick, and a lame running joke about Kristen Bell’s private parts. Chloe Grace Moretz and Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s short was an abomination. Moretz’s character experiences her first period, and for some asinine reason everyone panics? And the solution is to use one of those micro fiber mops as a cork to stop Moretz’s “problem.” The Leprechaun short with Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott, and Gerard Butler was hideous, and they ran every penis joke imaginable into the ground. The iBabe garbage was beyond stupid. In short, it’s a storyline about life sized iPods with naked women. Kate Bosworth and Richard Gere are executives of the company for the iBabe. Bosworth is trying to shut down production, because teenage males are injuring themselves by playing with the bottom half of the iBabe.

And the commercials within the movie just felt like a big waste of time. The iBabe commercials showed another naked woman, and the black and white commercial with office workers spitting on underprivileged children, who operate copying machines couldn‘t pull the intended shock value laugh out of me. Also, they just had to throw in the predictable and lame post-credits blooper/gag reel featuring the entire cast.

But stick around after the credits, because Movie 43 has one more trick up its sleeve! Elizabeth Banks’ character is in a committed and loving relationship with Josh Duhamel’s character. But there’s one problem…… Anson’s (Duhamel) homosexual cat named Beezel is attracted to his owner, and Beezel hates Amy (Banks) for coming between them. Oh, and the cat is animated (I’m not kidding). Beezel is shown in some pretty graphic sexual situations for an animated cat. Beezel uses a hairbrush to cope with (use your imagination) the thought of losing Anson, and Beezel’s actions left me speechless, but not for good reasons, though. The final scene involves Amy walking into a trap set up by Beezel, leading to a fight between the two, and Amy is beaten to death by a group of children at a birthday party? Seriously? And the children use party favors to murder Amy.

I honestly can’t imagine someone having any middle ground for Movie 43. You’re going to hate it, or you’re going to love it. It’s that simple. And I hated it, easily the biggest turkey of 2013 so far. Ugh, I can’t believe I wasted time watching this.

Rating: 0/10

 

[Danger Burger]

A Good Day To Die Hard​

Spoilers Coming​

Well, here we are, a few days later and a few quid shorter. And what did we learn? Well, all my fears for the fourth movie were quickly addressed in this one.

Bruce Willis returns as the failed father of (insert number of sequels to come here). He wants to reconnect with his long lost son. How better than to travel to Russia and join a CIA mission. NYPD cops can do that.

Now in my previous review of Die Hard 4.0, I told that I was expecting the Die Hard film that knew it was a Die hard film. That was my worst fear. Turns out I had the whole thing backwards. Die Hard one is a work of art, and Die hard 2 and 3 are of no major concern to the film buffs acquired tastes. We get a problem, we get a nice cook as Bruce hardballs his way through impossible situations that he didnt expect to encounter while he cracks wise at the bad guy. Yipey Ky Aye mother fucker. Even 4.0 got it right, nothing happened too fast, a little over the top, sure, but it let you get sucked in.

The problem with the new Die Hard isn't that its too self aware, more so that it has no fucking clue what its trying to be. If John Mclain wasn't played by Bruce Willis, there wouldn't be anything to connect him to the guy in the other movies. Sharp tongue? Replaced by the phrase "I'M ON VACATION". I always hated when a TV show took the cast on holiday for an episode. Its only worked once. Worse again, the plot was bullshit. Bruce Willis reconnects with his son through overheard introspection and killing militia. The bad guys all kill each other off. THEY ALL KILL EACH OTHER OFF.

The script and story suck, there's plot holes all over the place. Dont go see it unless you lose a bet. Especially not on your anniversary with your girlfriends. For those who care, a good night was still had regardless.

Maybe its fun. Maybe. But if I wanted to have fun, i'd have watched Mean Girls again. This movie is no Mean Girls. 3/10. You're damn right I'm sassy.

 

[dukes07]

Every Saturday I drink beer and watch movies. Best part, I go to sleep late (sometimes the wife watches a flick with me) and when I get up in the morning, the wife has bacon and eggs waiting for me! I used to over analyze films. Always bitching when shit was unrealistic in an action film. Now that I am older and not wiser I just enjoy the ride. Fuck it. I don't want to think and breaking down why Gladiator or parts of Schindler's List are not historically accurate is too time consuming and a waste of time. I mean in high school I once spent hours trying to figure out the purpose of Luke's plan to rescue Han Solo was. I had it figured out once. Then I forgot it. Sure it makes no sense for the most part and it was an excuse to trot out the heroes one at a time, but whatever, we get to see Billy Dee and the Rancor. Good shit. So as a heads up, my reviews are lenient. I am just relaxing and not thinking, which is not difficult for me to do.

I thought about writing long reviews but fuck that. I am drinking beer and just want to enjoy the damn movie. Lately here is what I have seen:

Silent Hill: Started decently then just dragged on forever. 5.5/10

Expendables 2: Not much to say here. Explosions and a lot of them. 8/10.

Rollerball (75) It is on YouTube. I LOVE dystopian films. This one did not disappoint: 9/10

Oldboy: I had been planning on watching it for quite some time. Finally just sat down to watch it. Incredible. The ending threw me for a loop and I had to stop and think about it for a bit. 9/10.

Premium Rush: I thought I would not like this movie. It was short, sweet and to the point. Non-stop for less than 90 minutes. Oh it was cheesy and the part with all the bikers in their little bar was pretty damn bad....but for some reason I really liked it. 7/10.

Fear (96): I am in a big 90s kick with movies, music, wrestling and pop culture in general. I had not seen this so my wife and I got it at Blockbuster (It is pretty sweet that we have one in town). Marky Mark did a decent job. Reese was hot. The step mom a bitch. All in all pretty predictable but not that bad. 6/10.

Good Day to Die Hard: Saw this last night. My mom took me to the movie and bought me dinner. Yeah, I am in my 30s, not sure if that is awesome or sad. Oh well! Anyway, I stopped thinking about the fairly nonsensical plot, like....

maybe minor spoilers....


What the fuck was Jack McClane going to do stuck in the cage? He had to get the Russian guy out but....how?

End Spoilers:





Anyway, I liked it. Shit blew up for 90 minutes. I am easily amused. I wanted to rank it a bit lower but fuck it. 8/10.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

As children, Hansel and Gretel are rushed into the forest by their father one night. Hansel and Gretel are forced into an underground hiding space, and their father leaves them alone in an effort to protect his wife, but he never returns.

Eventually, Hansel and Gretel are lured into a house made of candy. But an evil witch is lurking inside, and she captures and plans to cook Hansel and Gretel alive. Gretel escapes, rescues her brother, and a magical spell prevents the witch from killing Gretel. Hansel and Gretel turn the tables on the evil witch, tossing her inside the oven for a slow and painful death. After the deaths of their mother and father, Hansel and Gretel are forced to live on their own.

Many years later, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are popular and deadly witch hunters motivated by revenge and a hatred for witches. Hansel and Gretel’s services are needed in a small town with an alarming missing children’s problem. Witches are the prime suspects, and Hansel saves a local townswoman named Mina (Pihla Viitala) from an execution. Mina is the prime suspect at first, but things change, when Muriel (Famke Janssen) comes into the picture. Hansel and Gretel will have to fight off the local sheriff and his men, and uncover the mystery behind Muriel’s diabolical plans before it’s too late. As an obsessed fan, Ben (Thomas Mann) lends a helping hand, but Muriel’s powers and loyal minions will give Hansel and Gretel their toughest challenge yet.

First of all, I loved, loved, LOVED Famke Janssen here. Her performance just flowed so naturally, and Janssen’s delightfully wicked portrayal of Muriel is fun to watch. Renner was okay as the typical bad ass hunter with a mean streak, and Arterton was just eye candy for the most part. She had a few moments as the “woman, who can defend herself, and not take shit from anybody“, but overall, Arterton’s good looks triumphed over her acting skills for the Gretel character. Thomas Mann is entertaining as the goofy fanboy, but Janssen is the true star of this cast.

I enjoyed Witch Hunters cheesy comedy, and this film brought a few good laughs out of me. Yeah, the jokes are corny, but Hansel & Gretel is a parody film, so you have to expect the constant barrage of over the top silliness. Also, I took a chance on the 3D, and I’m glad I did. Witch Hunters features some cool 3D effects, and you’ll see a good amount of body parts and splatters of blood flying at you here.

BUT I will admit, Witch Hunters takes an awkward turn, when Muriel transforms into a full-blown witch for the first time. As full-blown witches, Muriel and her minions are supposed to inspire fear, but the witch form of Muriel didn’t disgust me. And on the flip-side of that, the witch forms for Muriel and her followers didn’t cross the “too goofy” line for me. In fact, I thought Janssen and her minions were kind of attractive as witches, but that’s just me.

A part of me wants to give this film a ten, but I can’t, because I know it’s not that good, not by a long shot. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters puts a spin on the famous fairy tale with gruesome and bloody violence, and I love mindless fun horror comedies, so Witch Hunters was a great guilty pleasure for me.

Rating: 6/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Dark Skies (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Struggling with past due mortgage notices and the plight of unsteady jobs, Lacy Barrett (Keri Russell) and Daniel Barrett (Josh Hamilton) are trying to hold everything together. Their oldest teenage son, Jesse (Dakota Goyo) is stuck in a stubborn rebellious phase, and their youngest son, Sam (Kadan Rockett) continues to dream about mysterious visits from “The Sandman.”

As Daniel fights to secure a higher paying job, the Barrett’s become the victims of nightly intrusions. Sam blames The Sandman, but Lacy investigates to find the reasons behind the odd break-ins. Lacy’s sleuthing leads her to the conclusion of an alien invasion and planned abduction, but Daniel is hesitant to believe his wife at first. But after a meeting with Edwin Pollard (J.K. Simmons), a UFO expert, Daniel prepares to protect his family from a potential abduction. And the situation becomes more serious, when Lacy and Daniel discover the main target for The Grey's (another name for the species of aliens targeting The Barretts) looming abduction: Sam.

Keri Russell easily delivers the best performance in the leading role, and the rest of the cast is decent enough. But Goyo is kind of annoying as the rebellious teenage punk. J.K. Simmons’ screen time is limited to cameo status. It’s a shame, because the Edwin character had some real promise as the eccentric and obsessed alien expert.

Before I move on, I have to point out a bizarre connection to Signs. Towards the end, Daniel FINALLY believes Lacy’s suspicions of an alien invasion. Lacy buys a dog, Daniel picks up a shotgun at the local gun store, and Daniel boards up the house to keep The Greys at bay for a while. On the night of the big invasion/abduction, Daniel, Lacy, and the kids are sitting around the table eating dinner, or their “last meal.” Daniel reminisces about the births of his two sons, and he retells stories from Sam and Jesse’s childhoods. The aliens start to break through the boards, the dog starts barking like crazy, and Lacy rushes the kids upstairs, while Daniel fires the shotgun every five seconds. Eventually, the entire family hides in one room, and Daniel prepares for the last stand against the aliens.

In Signs, Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix barricade the house with wooden boards on the night of an invasion, preparing for the last stand against the aliens. Merrill (Phoenix) and the kids had to convince Graham (Gibson) to believe in the possibility of an alien invasion. During the family’s last meal, and the alien’s intrusion, Graham reminisces about the births of his kids, and he retells childhood memories. As the aliens approach the house, the dog starts barking, but the aliens murder the dog (guessing, because they don’t actually show the aliens harming the dog in Signs). Graham, Merrill, and the kids hide in the basement, and they prepare for the last stand.

PLEASE, tell me I’m not the only one, who noticed the similarities? Both scenarios are SO similar. The guy doesn’t want to believe in the possibility of aliens, so someone close had to convince him. The man of the house has to find his courage to protect the family in a last stand, while recalling precious memories one last time. The aliens target a kid in BOTH films, and the family in Dark Skies has a dog! Again, I’m probably jumping to wild conclusions. I’m not accusing Scott Stewart (the writer and director for Dark Skies) of plagiarism, but as the grand finale unfolded, I started connecting the dots to Signs, and the similarities just blew me away.

And speaking of the grand finale, there’s a nice twist at the end. So the story wants you to believe the aliens are coming after Sam, they won‘t take no for an answer, and the foreshadowing is VERY obvious. Well, when they aliens finally show up in a big group at the end, they are determined to take one kid from Lacy and Daniel…..but Jesse is the victim, not Sam. Through a series of flashbacks, Dark Skies pieces together the puzzle for the reasons behind Jesse’s abduction, and this twist was genuinely shocking for me, because I didn’t see it coming.

The trailers kind of worried me a few months ago, but when you actually see the footage in the movie, everything is different. The scene where Kerri Russell bangs her head against the glass door is really creepy and unsettling. The scene with the flock of birds crashing into the house is short, but at the same time, it’s intense, and Russell’s panicked reaction pulled everything together.

Is Dark Skies a great movie? No. No, it’s not. In fact, if you plan on watching this film, you should wait for the DVD, Blu-Ray, Netflix, or wait for the release on various internet VOD services. BUT Dark Skies surprised the hell out of me. Truth be told, I went into this film with very low expectations, but Dark Skies is an enjoyable sci-fi thriller. Stewart provides the perfect chilling and eerie atmosphere throughout this film, and Dark Skies features a few decent jump scares every now and then. Although, the overexposure and the annoying “THIS IS WHAT THE ALIENS ARE PLANNING. WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!” foreshadowing really irritated me at times. Still, Dark Skies held my attention for one hour and thirty-five minutes, and I was on the edge of my seat during the pulse-pounding finale.

Rating: 7/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

**SPOILERS**



Following the events of The Last Exorcism Part I, Nell (Ashley Bell) is still trying to escape the wrath of the evil demon known as Abalam. Nell’s father and brother are still missing, so Nell is forced to live in a foster home for troubled teenage girls.

Nell tries to adjust to a new life, and a friend named Chris (Spencer Treat Clark) wants Nell as a girlfriend, but Nell is still hesitant to trust another man. Nell’s daily routine of working as a cleaning lady for a motel is disrupted, when signs of Abalam’s return surface. Abalam will do anything to reclaim his victim, and an exorcism is Nell’s only hope to survive and finally defeat Abalam.

You know something, I actually enjoyed The Last Exorcism Part I. It was a nice surprise, but Part II is pure trash. With the exception of flashback footage from the first film, Part II completely drops the found-footage style of filmmaking. I’m not a big fan of found-footage flicks, but I didn’t feel any realism in this film, and the shaky cam tricks could’ve added a much needed spark of life to the sequel.

Part II is very, VERY boring. I almost fell asleep at least three times, and staying awake during this film was a real test. The back-breaking and contorted seizure bullshit loses its shock factor after the first twenty-five minutes, and showing Abalam torturing Nell in the flashbacks didn’t help anything. Director Ed Gass-Donnelly randomly (and constantly) inserts flashback footage of Nell’s exorcism and torture scenes from Part I throughout the film. Donnelly wanted to stir up some jump scares with this technique, but the “HOLY SHIT DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO NELL???” flashbacks didn’t do anything for me.

The plot holes are mind-boggling. First, one of the girls in the house has a violent seizure. They call 911, and after that, we never get an update for the girl‘s status. Was Abalam behind the seizure? They never explained anything. Nell’s father pops up out of nowhere halfway through the movie, and he tries to murder Nell, so he can get rid of Abalam once and for all. Eh, where did Nell’s dad come from? How did he find her? Nell’s dad was tied up during that creepy satanic ritual at the end of Part I, so how did he escape? And one of the girls in the house is obviously a servant for Abalam (it‘s the blonde chick in the trailer with the big black, creepy eyes). She murders Nell’s father, and promises Abalam will return to reclaim his number one target…..and her character just fades away after that.

So there’s only one way to stop Abalam: an exorcism! Well, no shit. How else are you suppose to stop the demon? Part II slowly treads through its dull story, and the grand conclusion is a fucking exorcism? Seriously? “We have to stop Abalam! But how?” This was the thought process from every protagonist throughout the movie. It felt like they were trying to build towards something different, but the writers just settled for another exorcism finale. And to top it off, the big exorcism at the end is really lame. They tried an exorcism in Part I, and it DID NOT work, so why would you try it again?

The story barley progresses. We all know Nell is possessed, we all know Abalam is still stalking her (and apparently a part of him is still inside Nell), and anyone, who knows enough about horror movies knows you can’t just outrun a demon. The story hits the standstill wall, and Part II is a prime example of a money-grabbing “let’s just get them into the theater, and then we’ll go from there” boring filler film.

Nell’s sexual antics are kind of awkward. Apparently, Abalam wants Nell as a lover, and Ashley Bell has a handful of weird scenes, where a possessed Nell shows “excitement” for the impending return of Abalam. One scene includes Nell dropping her cleaning duties, so she can listen to another couple having sex in the opposite room. And in another scene, Nell licks one of the girls at the foster home on the side of her face, while she’s sleeping. Yeah.

“It can’t get any worse. It just can’t.” I kept trying to convince myself, but Part II continued to push the limits for a shitty horror movie. Nell is trying to figure out a solution for Abalam’s return, so she asks some voodoo lady for advice. She explains how Abalam is in love with Nell? Oy vey, the demon is in “love” with Nell? Yikes, that just kills the evil mystique for Abalam, but Abalam’s intentions were announced towards the end, and I already gave up on any chances for a decent film.

The Last Exorcism Part II is a tedious and boring chore to sit through, and Part II features one too many unintentionally funny moments. Plus, the CGI is horrendous, and the sporadic bursts of flames at the end sink to low levels of tackiness. Ashley bell deserves a lot of credit, because she gave it her all in the leading role, but Bell couldn’t save this film. Congratulations Part II. You can now join the long list of other shitty horror sequels. Ugh, I actually regret paying the $7.50 matinee price. Hopefully, Part II tanks at the box office, so they won’t feel the need to make a Part III.

Rating: 1/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The ABCs Of Death (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't watch it, but I changed my mind, as always.

Twenty-six directors and twenty-six chapters of carnage, The ABCs Of Death will take you on a gory and bloody ride through the alphabet by showing you an assortment of bizarre scenarios for death with each letter. From possessed toilets to deadly farts, The ABCs Of Death spares no expense for brutality, violence, and mayhem.

Oh boy. This was something I’ll never forget, for good and bad reasons. First and foremost, each director/writer for The ABCs Of Death received 100% creative control for their individual letters. Giving creative freedom to the directors and writers was a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand, The ABCs Of Death featured some awesome and shocking shorts (I’ll list my picks for best and worst later on). But on the other hand, some of the shorts were just horrendous, and unbearable most of the time.

It’s a double-edged sword, because the creative freedom really enhanced some of the eccentric uniqueness here. BUT on the flip-side, other directors and writers were trying WAY too hard to be disgusting, shocking, and artistic. Imagine a five year old kid eating a big bag of candy, give him or her a box of crayons or some finger-paint, and then ask them to draw a masterpiece. The end result will be disastrous, and that’s what happens with the bad side of The ABCs Of Death.

And as with most horror anthologies, inconsistency is a MAJOR problem here. Recently, I watched V/H/S, another horror anthology film. The inconsistency didn’t bother me too much, because if I’m not mistaken, V/H/S only had five or six shorts. But The ABCs Of Death throws twenty-six shorts at you. That’s a lot to sit through, and you won’t have too much wiggle room for bad shorts. A is for Apocalypse was a great opener, B is for Bigfoot was a nice follow-up, and C is for Cycle was really eerie, but things start to go downhill at D is for Dogfight.

The ABCs of Death’s seesaw problem is really annoying. Yeah, when The ABCs Of Death kicked into high gear every now and then, I was glued to the screen, because I couldn’t wait for the next letter. But when everything plummets into a downward spiral again, you’re just stuck there waiting for something good to happen. And with The ABCs Of Death, the long waits feels torturous, because chances are you’re sitting in front of an abomination like F is for Farting.

And here are my picks for some of the best and worst shorts in The ABCs Of Death!

The Best

A is for Apocalypse​

A woman is caring for her sick husband, but when he doesn’t kick the bucket on her schedule, the wife decides to speed things up with a butcher knife.

My Thoughts: A is bloody, gory, and shocking. This short sets the tone for The ABCs Of Death, and you know you’re about see a film with some sick and twisted stuff after watching A.

Plus, I enjoyed the twist at the end. At first, you’re wondering why this woman is so determined to murder her husband. After throwing a bowl of scorching soup in his face, she continues to attack him with the butcher knife, and after successfully stabbing him in the throat, the husband demands some answers for his wife’s motivations. The woman reveals a year long plot of poisoning her husband into a slow and painless death. The wife believed in the predictions of an apocalypse, so she didn’t want her husband to suffer an agonizing death. But time ran out, so she decided to try and finish him off before the world came to an end. As the world crumbles, the woman lays next to her husband, and they die together.

S is for Speed​

So two women, who live together are hardcore heroin addicts. One of them has a dream about being chased by the Devil or Grim Reaper (I couldn‘t tell the difference), because he’s coming to take someone with him, and he’s determined to leave with at least one person. The woman having the dream is holding her friend hostage. The kidnapped friend is supposed to be collateral for the time being, because the other woman “isn’t ready yet,” but Death wants the woman, who’s trying to fight the inevitable.

My thoughts: Incredible. This short starts out with a real bang, and there’s a nice little high speed chase at the end. The ending is gut-wrenching, because once death touches the woman he came for, she wakes up into the real world. She ODs from too much junk, and her friend steals the last bag of heroin from her corpse. S is easily my favorite short in this film. Action, emotion, suspense, and the dirty apartment in the real world was an ideal setting for the final minutes of this one.

T is for Toilet​

A young kid is afraid to use the toilet for the first time. His parents toss his potty-training toilet in the trash, but the kid has a terrifying nightmare about the family toilet coming to life as a monster, and devouring the whole family………

My Thoughts: The claymation gives this short a cartoonish feeling, and that’s a good thing. The zany stuff in this short is a breath of fresh air, because it gives you a break from the more serious stuff with blood and guts. Yeah, the ending is REALLY messed up, but as I said before, the claymation provides a lighthearted atmosphere, so it’s not so bad.

M is for Miscarriage ​

A woman rushes downstairs to grab a plunger, and when she returns to the toilet…..

My Thoughts: Well, Ti West directed this short, so of course I liked it. M is probably the shortest feature in this film, but the final image packs a powerful punch. M’s subtlety during the final shot brought a stunned reaction out of me, and I enjoyed Ti West’s “less is more” strategy.

Honorable mentions: O is for Orgasm, R is Removed, N is for Nuptials

The Worst

F is for Farting​

So the outbreak of a deadly gas is destroying Japan. A young woman, who for some asinine reason is afraid to fart in public, takes refuge with her teacher. The young woman has a crush on her teacher, and her final wish is to die by smelling her fart.

My Thoughts: This….was so bad. It’s so over the top and corny, and most importantly, F wasn’t funny. The CGI for the farts is laughably horrendous, and the ending was beyond ridiculous: somehow, the fart from the teacher transports the student into her rectum.

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion​

​

A soldier (who’s actually a full grown British bulldog) visit’s a strip joint during World War II. The stripper is a full grown fox, but as she goes through her routine, the fox eventually reveals herself as a Nazi spy.

My Thoughts: For some odd reason, The ABCs Of Death felt the need to run the evil Nazi storylines into the ground. And what’s more amazing than that, is H is not the worst Nazi themed short. The fox’s cheesy diabolical laugh, the tacky special effects, and the stupid conclusion. Everything was a real chore to sit through, and using mascot-like costumes for the main characters was the nail in the coffin for me. This short is just horrible, and I can’t think of any redeeming qualities for H.

W is for WTF!​

So the director/writer is trying to come up with something good for the letter W. He’s struggling to find the right concept, but things take a bizarre turn for the worst, when monsters and psychotic zombie clowns take over the world.

My Thoughts: The “breaking the fourth wall” approach is something different of course (it’s not special, because Q is for Quack did the same thing). But WTF! features the same list of reoccurring problems throughout The ABCs Of Death: bad special effects, over the top and unfunny ridiculousness, and a disappointing conclusion.

D is for Dogfight​

Desperate and down on his luck, a man decides to fight a dog for money.

My Thoughts: Ugh, this short had so much potential. There’s a nice twist at the end, because as the dog prepares to rip out the man’s throat, the man shouts the name “Buddy,” and the dog freezes. Apparently, the fighter is the owner of the lost dog, and the current owner of the dog stole him away. The real owner gives a command to Buddy, and Buddy mauls the thief to death. D is for Dogfight could’ve been amazing, but the excessive and annoying use of slow motion killed this short.

Honorable mentions: Z is for Zetsumetsu, G is for Gravity, and K is for Klutz.

Showing the word behind the letter after each short was a nice touch. Using the “revealing after-the-fact” technique helped maintain the mystery and element of surprise behind each letter, so you don’t go into each short knowing what’s going to happen.

Still, Twenty-six shorts is just too much. It’s kind of hard to experience feelings of shock and disgust once you get past R, because the previous letters do more than enough to bring out these feelings. For example, X is for XXL is about an overweight woman, who’s tormented by a cruel society. She decides to go home, gorge out on food, and vomit afterwards. Then, she uses various cutting tools to remove the fat from her body, so she can fit into a sexy bikini. That sounds nasty, right? Well, after sitting through other bloody murders, torture shorts, and violent mayhem, I couldn’t experience the intended gross-out reaction for a woman mutilating herself. As the stories progressed, I couldn’t overcome the feeling of being burnt-out, and Z was an awful finale.

The bad outweighs the good in The ABCs of Death. Don’t get me wrong, this film features some great shorts, borderline brilliant in some cases. It’s a unique concept, and combining the alphabet with the storytelling style of a horror anthology film should’ve been a match made in heaven. But the bad shorts are really, REALLY bad, and for me, The ABCs Of Death’s garbage destroyed any chances for a good film.

Also, if you’re the squeamish type, you should avoid The ABCs Of Death. This film features pedophilia, disgusting and gory violence, brutality, tons of blood, and you’ll see plenty of “hard to watch” moments here. The ABCs Of Death is an extreme, repulsive, and vulgar horror movie, and it’s not for the weak at heart.

Rating: 3/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

**SPOILERS**

Following the conclusion of Paranormal Activity 2, Hunter’s mother, Kristi is dead after an attack from her sister, Katie (Katie Featherston). After an adoption and Katie’s disappearance, Hunter’s named is changed to Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp). The Nelson’s embrace Wyatt, and his big sister, Alex Nelson (Kathyrn Newton) is determined to protect Wyatt from any danger.

The Nelson’s quiet suburban lifestyle takes a turn for the worst, when Katie’s son, Robbie (Brady Allen) enters the picture. Mrs. Nelson decides to invite Robbie to live with the family during his mother’s absence. But Robbie’s strange mannerisms and unnatural infatuation with an invisible friend (it’s Toby, the invisible demon from the previous films) concerns Alex. During a series of late night web cam sessions, Alex and her boyfriend, Ben (Matt Shively) slowly unravel a paranormal conspiracy surrounding Robbie. Alex tries to explain the bizarre situation to her parents, but they refuse to listen, but Alex will have to come up with a solution soon. When Katie returns, she takes Robbie, but Katie and Toby are targeting Wyatt as their next victim, and Katie won’t stop until her nephew rejoins the family.

Well, as usual the acting is mediocre. Brady Allen has a few moments as the creepy and quiet demon child, but he couldn’t save this cast. Alex and Ben are the most annoying characters in the entire Paranormal Activity franchise, easily. Newton is the typical airheaded teenage blonde, and Shively is the douchebag boyfriend, who tries way too hard to be cool.

And Paranormal Activity sticks to the same formula AGAIN: an opening that’ll hook you into the story, 45-50 minutes of boring web cam/security camera footage bullshit, the last ten of fifteen minutes are full of suspense, and of course, they end the movie with a “demon attack” cliffhanger. It’s the same old shit all over again, and it was a huge letdown for me, because you know what they’re going for, once you catch on to the routine.

Looking for a SHOCKING return in PA 4? Don’t hold your breath, because instead of introducing another new character with some real significance, they decide to bring back Katie instead. Seriously? Out of all the people to bring back, you pick fucking Katie??? We already know enough major details about Katie, and let’s be honest, she’s not the most interesting or engaging character in the franchise.

Paranormal Activity continues to milk a very thin and weak premise. The story is at a standstill after the FOURTH film. Sorry, but this is just unacceptable. I didn’t love the movie, but Part 3 worked as a prequel, because we learned about Katie and Kristi’s grandmother, and their lives as children. This was a BIG step, because apparently, Katie and Kristi’s grandmother is the mastermind behind the whole witch cult/demonic conspiracy. Part 4 is a prequel to Part 2, but we already know 90% of the details in this film, because previous films explained and revealed the “secrets.” Again, we’re in the fourth film for the PA franchise, and the writers are STILL giving us the runaround bullshit.

Also, the ending is suspenseful, BUT am I the only one, who noticed the similarities between this ending and the ending in PA 3? At the end of PA 3, Toby, the grandmother, and her witch followers attacked and killed the people, who posed a threat to the master plan. Well, at the end of PA 4, Toby attacks Alex’s father, Toby kills her mother, and as she tries to rescue Wyatt, Alex is cornered by a group of possessed women, and a demonized Katie eventually attacks her to end the movie. Just watch both endings from both films, and you’ll see what I’m talking about, because it’s almost impossible to ignore the connections.

Yeah, as usual, I’ll give this Paranormal film credit for the suspenseful finale, but that doesn’t make up for the 40+ minutes of boredom before the ending. Paranormal Activity 4 is easily the weakest film in this franchise, and the writing is beyond lazy here. For the most part, it’s a very boring and tedious film to sit through, and Katie’s return was very underwhelming and disappointing. Plus, maybe it did something for other PA fans, but I couldn’t stand the glow in the dark X Box Kinect garbage. The directors developed a raging hard-on for the glow in the dark X Box Kinect scenes, and the wow-factor fades away after the first time, because they really ran this gimmick into the ground. This is my first (and probably won’t be the last) PA viewing experience from home, and I’m glad I didn’t waste the time or money to watch this piece of shit in a theater.

Rating: 1/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Side Effects (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara) is awaiting her husband’s return from jail. After receiving a four year sentence for insider trading, Martin Taylor (Channing Tatum) returns to his wife with the hopes of starting a new life, and slowly piecing everything back together. But Emily has trouble adjusting to Martin’s presence in her life, and Emily quickly sinks into a deep depression. Emily tries to commit suicide by driving her car into a wall, but she survives the crash.

As Emily’s assigned psychiatrist, Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law) contemplates sending Emily to a mental hospital, but Emily pushes for a series of one on one sessions with Dr. Banks instead, and he agrees. With the help of various medications, Emily slowly recovers from her depression, and the relationship with Martin improves. Emily enjoys her newfound happiness, and Martin is looking for a way to “get back in the game.”

But Emily’s erratic behavior worries Dr. Banks and Martin. As she prepares for dinner one night, Emily murders Martin with a butcher knife during a sleepwalking phase (a side effect from Emily’s most recent prescription drug). Emily’s former psychiatrist, Dr. Victoria Siebert (Catherine Zeta-Jones) lends a helping hand by revealing crucial information about her former patient that could save Emily from a lifelong imprisonment.

As Emily goes through her trial, Dr. Banks’ reputation is destroyed, and answering the three most important questions surrounding Emily’s fate could clear his name, or ruin his life forever: Is Emily just a cold-blooded killer? Is Emily the victim of a bad reaction to the medication? Or did Emily knowingly murder her husband for her own selfish reasons?

I love Rooney Mara, and that’s no secret, so I’ll start by praising her. At first, Emily is a sympathetic character. Mara really nailed the broken and helpless victim persona during Emily's breakdown, but as the story develops, Mara shows us a more diabolical and devious personality. Mara’s transformation is smooth, and her ability to bounce back and forth between Evil Emily and Innocent Emily towards the end is remarkable.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is solid as Dr. Siberet, but she’s more entertaining as the treacherous bitch, who’ll do anything to destroy Dr. Banks. Jude Law is a good leading man, and for the second time, Law forms a cohesive team with director Steven Soderbergh. If Soderbergh sticks around longer (more on that later), Soderbergh/Law could reach the levels of Sam Jackson and Quentin Tarantino, or John Goodman and The Coen Brothers for successful director/actor teams. They won’t reach the levels of Scorsese/De Niro, but both men could have a bright future together. As far as Channing Tatum goes, I don’t think it’s fair to grade his performance here. His screen time is limited, Tatum doesn’t make it to the end, and his character doesn’t have any spoken dialogue in flashbacks.

I’m indifferent to director Steven Soderbergh’s work. I’ll admit, I haven’t seen all of his films (I will never watch Magic Mike), but I really enjoyed Haywire and Contagion. Soderbergh returns to the big screen with precision, and a sleek style for Side Effects. Soderbergh has a formula behind the camera, and he sticks to it. You’ll always notice the crisp cinematography, deliberate pacing, and Soderbergh’s work has a unique and stylish look. It’s weird, because Soderbergh has voiced his desires to retire or “take a break” recently. Contagion, Magic Mike, and Side Effects received positive feedback for the most part, and you could say Soderbergh is peaking at the right time, so why walk away? Unless I forgot some crucial details (family problems, stress, etc.) about Soderbergh’s statements regarding the decision to walk away for a while, I’m honestly baffled by this decision. Filmmaking isn’t like pro sports, or some other profession that requires a physical effort. You don’t have to worry about the shelf life problem in the world of movies, and I hope Soderbergh will return to directing soon enough.

Side Effects is a real mind-fuck. Side Effects starts out as a cautionary tale about the side effects of anti-depressant medications, and a conspiracy about psychiatrists, who use their patients as guinea pigs for testing new medications. Eventually, the story evolves into an intricate murder mystery, as Dr. Banks struggles to clear his name. Side Effects is a crafty and smart thriller with shocking and thought-provoking twists, and a well-executed suspenseful finale. I know it’s early, but I loved every second of Side Effects, and I was glued to the screen during the last twenty minutes.

Rating: 10/10

 

[Danger Burger]

Safety Not Guaranteed

Sometime you just know when a movie is for you. Something in the title or the presentation speaks to you long before you even try to illegally download the film. This movie did that for me. From the second I saw the newspaper clipping I was in.

Maybe it reminded me of one of my favourite book series (The Dresden Files) but it rang through. Either way, that's irrelevant for a review unless it has the same effect on you, so let me get back on point.

Theres no hard sell to this one. Its from the makers of Little Miss Sunshine, people like that movie right? Its in a similar vein, the aura is there. Whatever made that film likeable is floating around here somewhere. The cast are a group of people who play characters like "steve" in Perfect Dark Zero (thats our ad poster, Kenneth.) and the ever interesting, never interested, Audrey Plaza. Again, not a great load to pull you in. You will never find acting more mild than here. It goes above and beyond pefectly fine. The characters are pretty annoying too. Theres just something there. I guess its a "redeeming quality", though it only needs one to get you to watch it.

So whats the deal? Guy takes out an ad in a newspaper (see above), a shitty journalist and two interns (affectionately introduced in one of my favourite lines in the film as the lesbian and the Indian) head off to write a funny piece on the guy. Easy as pie.

From the get-go, the film goes from better to better. Its got such good pace, and that can often be the most important thing... Okay, maybe not often, but you know when its off. The cast do better than expected and the plot is surprisingly juicy. Its sweet, its funny and a little bit touching, though just a little. Most importantly, its fresh. It doesnt reek of the "seen it 100 times befores" and it never feels like its trying too hard. Maybe I dont have uch to say about it. The beauty is in the delivery.

TL;DR Sometimes a movie just works. This movie works. Its so well done and balanced. It doesnt get bogged down in trying to achieve anything, which is partially what makes it stand out. It just does what it needs to.

Pros: The story told, great pace, wonderful build and delivery.
Cons: I got nuthin!

Much better than "A Good Day to Die Hard". Give it a try, watch it with a lady. Two thumbs up. Do It.

8/10.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Girls Against Boys (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Shae (Danielle Panabaker) is a college student and a part-time bartender, who’s having some bad luck with men. After making the decision to return to his wife and a young daughter, Shae’s boyfriend unceremoniously dumps her. And a one night stand takes a horrible turn for the worst, when Shae is raped by Simon (Michael Stahl-David). Shae fights off another attempted rape, and after an unsuccessful trip to the police station, Shae decides to team up with her new friend/co-worker.

LuLu or “Lu” (Nicole LaLiberte) has a deep hatred for men, and Lu influences Shae to go on a killing spree of revenge. Shae develops a taste for blood, but Shae refuses to kill one of her targets, so Lu pulls the trigger instead. Lu is still determined to punish men, but Shae is looking for a way out of her new life. Will Lu allow Shae to walk away?

Danielle Panabaker is still one of my favorite young actresses, but she’s upstaged by Nicole LaLiberte here. LaLiberte’s devilish and joyful portrayal of LuLu is just fantastic, and she is the true star of this film. Panabaker couldn’t make the transition to the dark side during LuLu’s diabolical reign of terror. Shae is suppose to change, when she agrees to murder other men, but once the killing spree started, I just saw the same person at the beginning of the movie. Shae embraces LuLu as a friend, and she’s proud of her new lifestyle. But Panabaker needed to show some more nastiness during the transformation, and I just didn’t see it. Panabaker isn’t awful here. In fact, she’s pretty solid. Still, Panabaker couldn’t take the Shae character to the next level.

Director Austin Chick shows a good amount of gore and blood. The one torture scene is a prime example of Chick‘s impending barrage of violence. LuLu and Shae tie-up Simon in his work garage. Shae smacks Simon across the face with a wrench, Shae uses a power tool to knock out all of Simon’s front teeth, LuLu cuts off his feet with a saw, and Shae ends it all with a gunshot to the head. You’ll see lots of blood, and brutal violence, but Chick takes a tasteful approach to the one rape scene here.

Girls Against Boys could’ve been something special, but it’s just another ordinary revenge flick, that tries to follow in the footsteps of I Spit On your Grave (the original and the remake). Hell, the movie poster is clearly paying homage to the original. I’ve always labeled the original I Spit On your Grave as a horribly overrated film, and I still believe the 2010 remake is the better movie. I will never understand the horror community’s obsession for the original (and in some cases the remake), and the I Spit On Your Grave original inspired a handful of terrible straight-to-video, low-budget, and independent rape revenge films.

Anyway, as I said before, Girls Against Boys could’ve been something to remember. LuLu was the PERFECT character, and LaLiberte was the right woman for the job. But Girls Against Boys slowly goes through the motions, and you can see everything coming from a mile away.

And the ending is very disappointing. LuLu senses Shae’s hesitation to continue the extreme Thelma and Louise lifestyle, and the relationship becomes more complicated, when Shae forms a friendship with a guy from one of her classes. Shae neglects LuLu, so LuLu follows Shae to a Halloween party. Shae’s new friend is the DJ at the Halloween party, and while Shae’s in the bathroom, LuLu uses a sword to murder Shae’s new friend. Shae returns home devastated, but LuLu explains the reasons behind the murder: she did it for Shae’s protection, and she wanted to remind Shae you can’t trust any man under any circumstances. Well, Shae didn’t buy into this explanation, so she uses the bloody sword to murder LuLu.

I GUESS I can understand the reasons behind Shae murdering LuLu. LuLu was out of control, and someone had to stop her. Shae was LuLu’s only true friend in the world, so I guess she wanted to be the one, who finished her off. Yeah, I get that. Still, it’s a very anticlimactic and underwhelming finale. It’s also kind of stupid. Shae finds the sword on table, when she walks through the door of her apartment. LuLu comes out of the shower. And as LuLu tries to explain her side of the story, Shae picks up the sword, turns around, and she slices a good cut across LuLu’s abdomen.

Eh, Shae is OBVIOUSLY upset over the murder of her potential boyfriend. LuLu’s actions infuriated her, so WHY would LuLu leave the freakin’ sword on the table??? And to top it off, LuLu’s taking a shower, while the sword is sitting out in the open, giving Shae PLENTY of time to prepare and think of a plan. Did LuLu really expect to sit down with Shae and just talk about it? Ugh, the ending annoyed me so much, because LuLu is this crafty and cold-blooded killer throughout the movie, but a careless and stupid (and random) choice is her undoing at the end? Unbelievable.

It’s a predictable movie with a dumb ending, but I didn’t hate Girls Against Boys. As usual, when it comes to rape revenge flicks, it’s easy to have feelings of anger for the male antagonists, and nothing changes here. Danielle Panabaker had the perfect opportunity to deliver that one true breakout performance, but she’s still young, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed for something better in the future. Girls Against Boys is a bloody and violent revenge film with a dark sense of humor (mainly from the LuLu character). Unfortunately, Girls Against Boys is average at best, but I’ll give this one an extra bump, because Nicole LaLiberte is simply amazing.

Rating: 6/10

 

[DaveB]

Saw "A Good Day to Die Hard" recently & I fucking loved it. I was happy that it decided to go back to it's "R" rated origins instead of being PG-13 like the installment. Lots of explosions, people getting shot, crazy stunts, & funny dialog. This "Die Hard" went back to it's roots of old. For any huge fans of the franchise, I highly recommend it.

Rating: 7.5/10

 

[LSN80]

Side Effects (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Side Effects is a real mind-fuck. Side Effects starts out as a cautionary tale about the side effects of anti-depressant medications, and a conspiracy about psychiatrists, who use their patients as guinea pigs for testing new medications. Eventually, the story evolves into an intricate murder mystery, as Dr. Banks struggles to clear his name. Side Effects is a crafty and smart thriller with shocking and thought-provoking twists, and a well-executed suspenseful finale. I know it’s early, but I loved every second of Side Effects, and I was glued to the screen during the last twenty minutes.
Rating: 10/10

While I liked Side-Effects, and thought Rooney Mara was brilliant, I felt it played out somewhat predictably. The motive was plausible but included some unnecessary plot elements, I thought, just for the sake of sexuality, such as the lesbian affair. I felt the way Jude Law's character played both of the "villians" against one another was well done in most aspects, but for as careful as they had been for most of the movie, they became awfully sloppy towards the end. And Catherine Zeta-Jones, whether by design or not, came across as boring and flat.

That's not to say I didn't greatly enjoy Side Effects, as those are just minor complaints. As you pointed out, the movie seems to be heading towards a precautionary tale against prescription psychiatric medications, but intersects masterfully into a murder mystery/conspiracy. Jude Law does a fantastic job as Dr. Banks in his obsession with clearing his name, and the way he essentially beat the women at their own game was brilliantly executed. The last twist at the end in the confrontation between Dr. Banks and Emily was sharp and smart, and how the movie ended was poetic justice. For me, however, it's one where multiple viewings could enhance the viewing experience even more, possibly connecting dots missed upon the first viewing. It's the best film Ive seen in 2013 thus far, but it's not perfect. 8/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

tower heist - This is a funny movie and kept me laughing for a good bit of it. my favorite Eddie movie in awhile.

Safehouse - it was an a really enjoyable movie, lots of twists and turns and nice backstabbing, along with a fair share of fight scenes, gunfights, and car chases. Definately worth a watch

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Identity Thief (2013)

Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) travels to Winter Park, Florida to confront and apprehend the woman, who stole his identity. Diana (Melissa McCarthy) is a professional con-artist, and she won’t go down without a fight. Eventually, Sandy is a able to convince Diana to return to his job in Colorado, and give a statement to his boss, that will undoubtedly clear Sandy’s name.

But along the away, Sandy and Diana must outrun two gangsters, who are ordered to kill Diana on sight. Marisol (Genesis Rodriguez) and Julian (Tip Harris or T.I.) are determined to carry out the orders from their boss Paolo, and kill Sandy, if he gets in the way. And a vindictive bounty hunter named Skiptracer (Robert Patrick) is tracking Diana. So Diana and Sandy must work together for survival, and Sandy has to keep his plan to expose Diana to the cops a secret.

Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy share some good chemistry together, as polar opposites. As usual, Bateman is the uptight nerd, who plays by the rules, and McCarthy is the obnoxious and loud-mouthed thief, who will do anything, and stoop to every low level imaginable to steal more money from the next victim. Robert Patrick is okay as the typical redneck bounty hunter, and T.I. brought a few chuckles out of me, as the goofball hitman. Genesis Rodriguez was supposed to be a delightful psycho, but as usual, Rodriguez’s good looks triumphed over her acting skills, or lack there of.

Bateman and McCarthy are good for a handful of funny moments, but Identity Thief really didn’t do anything for me overall. The laughs are inconsistent, and the mushy moments were damn near unbearable for me. Diana is picked on for being an outcast throughout this film, so of course you’ll see a bunch of tear jerking “be proud of, who you are” scenes. Yeah, I understand the point behind the self-acceptance messages, but Identity Thief takes everything too far.

Identity Thief could’ve been a better comedy film, but it’s barely average. Melissa McCarthy has found a niche, as the rambunctious fat woman. Her routine works well, when she’s paired with a nerdy and uptight character (Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids, Bateman in Identity Thief, and from looking at the trailers, Sandra Bullock in The Heat), and McCarthy’s shtick is hot now, there’s no denying it.

Rating: 5/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

**SPOILERS**

Harassed and bullied as a child, Burt uses Rance Holloway’s (Alan Arkin) magic kit to escape reality. Burt idolizes Rance for being the most famous magician of his time, and Burt forms a team with his best friend, Anton.

As adults, Burt Wonderstone (Steve Carell) and Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi) are the hottest magic act in Las Vegas. Performing on a weekly basis at the luxurious Bally’s Hotel, Burt and Anton continue to fill seats in their exclusive theater until a new act threatens their business. Steve Gray (Jim Carrey) stars in and hosts a reality magic TV show named Brain Rapist. Steve performs exciting and extreme acts of magic, but on the flip-side, Burt and Anton’s routine act is becoming stale.

Doug Munny (James Gandolfini) is the owner of the Bally’s Hotel, and Doug is looking for a modern act to take over Burt and Anton’s spot for his new hotel. Doug wants Steve Gray, and Burt’s stubbornness could ruin the team’s chances of landing a new contract. The new assistant, Jane (Olivia Wilde) tries to join Burt and Anton’s team, as Steve Gray continues to impress Doug, slowly securing his spot for the one and only contract worth millions.

I tried and I TRIED, but I could not laugh at Jim Carrey’s Steve Gray. It was a case of trying too hard, and overkill for me. It’s not enough for Steve Gray to have a show named Brain Rapist, drill holes in his head, and sleep on hot coals. On top of that, he paints his fingernails, has a series of wild tattoos, and performs a stunt, where he forces himself to hold all of his urine for days. I’m a Jim Carrey fan, but Steve Gray couldn’t pull any laughs out of me.

It’s refreshing to see Steve Carell take a different route character wise. As a kid, yeah, Carell’s character is the wimpy geek, but as an adult, he’s an egotistical asshole. Carell was enjoyable as the asshole, but the inevitable “jerk realizes all of his mistakes, and decides to turn his life around” character transformation is so disappointing (more on that later). Carell was an entertaining egomaniac, but the predictable story kills this character.

James Gandolfini was spot on as Doug Munny. Then again, Gandolfini has a lot of experience, when it comes to playing a pushy and obsessive boss. Steve Buscemi has a few moments as the nerdy sidekick, Olivia Wilde never rises above the status of eye candy, and Alan Arkin was the perfect fit for the old and grouchy veteran.

I laughed every now and then, but The Incredible Burt Wonderstone could’ve been, and more importantly, SHOULD’VE been better. The cast is top notch, and more often than not, Steve Carell is reliable as a “comedy guy” in the lead role. BUT I don’t blame the cast. The story is formulaic and predictable, and you’ll see everything coming from a mile away. The step-by-step process for Burt’s eventual realizations for all of his mistakes, and a need to do the right thing is torturous.

Burt and Anton reaching down into the bottom of their bag to pull out that one grand trick towards the very end was supposed to be the feel-good moment, but the “disappearing act” didn’t do anything for me. Jane and Burt as a couple brought a facepalm out of me, because The Incredible Burt Wonderstone’s obvious foreshadowing gave away the “the tool turns into a nice guy, and captures the heart of his dream girl” storyline.

Sorry, but I’m going to have high expectations for a comedy that features Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini. The breaking the fourth wall technique for showing the secrets behind the magic tricks added a cool behind the scenes layer to this film, but still, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is an underwhelming comedy. Dry jokes, inconsistent, goofy humor, monotonous predictability, and truth be told, this movie is kind of boring at times. I had high hopes for The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, but instead, I have an early pick for my list of major disappointments in 2013.

Rating: 3/10

 

[TLC]

Gangster Squad

The plot revolves around Sergeant John O’Mara (Josh Brolin) as he hopes to bring down famed mob boss, Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn). Being impeded by red tape and incompetence from the police force, Chief Parker (Nick Nolte) assigns O’Mara the job of taking out Cohen’s criminal organization through vigilante means with a gang of police officers. Their mission is to target and destroy Cohen’s businesses to bring the crime lord to his knees. O'Mara enlists the help of Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling), Coleman Harris (Anthony Mackie), Conwell Keeler (Giovanni Ribisi), Navidad Ramirez(Michael Pena) and Max Kennard (Robert Patrick). The film also features the angelic Emma Stone as Grace Faraday.

With a cast list this impressive, one would think this film would be the best of the year, the best gangster film of recent memory; Unfortunately this isn't that film. Ruben Fleischer, director of Zombieland attempts to tackle this one and seems to be a bit out of his element with it. This was his third film with his two previous being comedies, so it must have been a challenge to direct this. He does a reasonable job with it but nothing too impressive; he seems to have a slight obsession with slow motion scenes which get a tad annoying at times.

No complaints with the acting here, everyone does a fine job with Sean Penn being the star of the cast and Robert Patrick also putting in a really good performance. Nothing will blow you away here, but Penn is a fantastic bad guy and someone you really want to see get their comeuppance. Gosling is his usual charismatic self and Emma Stone provides some very good eye candy.

The action scenes were also very nice, with the car chase being the highlight of the film; for this viewer at least.

Overall, the film is pretty good. I wasn't disappointed as most seem to be due to not expecting much rather than a fun action flick which this is. If you were expecting something much more serious then you will be very dissatisfied. It could have been great with a better director and more importantly a better script.

TLC's rating: ***