Movie Review Thread

[Ming]

Is there a better way for me to get over the very recent sacking of the legendary Roberto Di Matteo than writing a tediously long review on something completely irrelevant to football? I don't think there is too. Now then, it's time for my second ever film review in this thread, strap yourselves in, it's going to be even crazier than the last time I wrote one. Now, after reading some of the other reviews in this thread (I'm looking at you Mitch) I think in order to compete I'll need to make a drastic change to my rather plain-looking first review. You guessed correctly, a poster is required. Or an image of some sort.

​

Boom. There you have it. You know, I was going to do a title too, but I like that the way it is. Now, enough of making things sexy, it's time to give this film my review. Oh, and there'll be spoilers but no description of the plot. I know right? I'm one lazy cunt. Now, it's actually time to give this film my big fat review.

Skyfall is fucking excellent. No wait, I don't think I put quite enough emphasis on that; Skyfall is fucking excellent. I've never been taken aback by a Bond film like I was when I watched this, this film was almost absolutely perfect. Now I say almost because the big twist (here's one of the spoilers I was talking about, no I won't be using spoiler tags) was, ironically, spoiled for me. That undoubtedly took something away from Skyfall as a spoiler would to any film. That spoiler being, even though I'm sure anyone who's watched this great film knows what I'm talking about, M's death. That's right, Javier Bardem or Silva, as his character's known, kills her. That moves me on to my next point, Javier Bardem rocks the shit out of things in this film. Seriously, a brilliant performance that stole the show. Silva & M's dysfunctional relationship being the reason he wanted her dead more so than Bond, which I'll assume is unusual in a Bond film (I've not seen too many). It also being the reason he offers Bond the chance to turn against her and the MI6. The chance being offered right after that eloquently delivered opening monologue that was also ever-so appropriate from Silva. Silva's actions after this summarises his character perfectly. From toying with Bond, to killing someone effortlessly, to discussing his use of a cyonide capsule showing just how scarred he was both physically and mentally from what M did to him. Or didn't do for him rather. Now I could talk all day & night about Javier Bardem's character, Silva, but I won't, I'll move on. This film makes plenty of cool references to past films, the vintage ones to be precise. That's right, I'm going to call them vintage. The Sean Connery, Roger Moore etc. etc. ones of course, not Pierce Brosnan onwards. What's great about this is that, Raimi did it seriously. It didn't come across as cheesy or camp or inappropriate or forced or out of place or anything. It fit perfectly. I don't think there's a better way to celebrate the fiftieth year anniversary of James Bond. As you'd expect from a Bond film, most of the cast was cool. Fiennes as Moneypenny was badass, experienced and bluntly honest. Dench was the same old M. Bitter, somewhat banterous and cynical. That guy (yeah, don't know the actor's name) as Q was sharp, youthful and witty. Bardem as Silva was articulate, damaged and very intelligent. Craig as Bond being what he's always been; careless, stylish, distracted and cold. Colder than Bond usually is which was another very interesting development in this film for me. The action in this film is both efficient and stylishly done, which, of course, is perfect. A great scene (not an action one just to let you know) off the top of my head was near the ending where M, Bond, and Bond's old housekeeper await Silva in Bond's childhood house, and Silva arrives in an attack helicopter of course. 'Twas beautiful, the landscape of the Scottish land (no, not a city or town, land), the image of a lonely building of the past about to be preyed upon by this flying black predator of the present. Some of the scenery in this film is magnificient. Time to summarise.

Raimi did a terrific job here. Funny enough, he also directed Jarhead, which was what I did my first review in this thread on. That's a coincidence by the way, I don't stalk the man or anything. The cast was fine, Craig and Bardem standing out of course, the editing and direction was pretty much perfect. Nice, sharp scripting and dialogoue. Skyfall is just excellently done, it's the best James Bond film I've ever viewed. Then again, I've only watched the Daniel Craig ones. Casino Royale being top class and Quantum Of Solace being meh. For me Skyfall is better than what was meant to be film of the year, The Dark Knight Rises. And I liked the Dark Knight Rises. Sorry if that offends anyone. Just my opinion. Just fact. Only joking. Shit. The word "fact" has got me thinking of Rafa Benitez which defeated the main fucking purpose of this review. Almost forgot, here's a rating.

Rating - 9/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

Horrible Bosses (2011)

It is a really funny film. Silly, but very funny. 'Ah, Toyota...' 'I don't make a lot...' The cocaine scene was hilarious, my mom and brother was cracking with laughter which does not happen very often.
Fortunately, Jennifer Aniston playes just a small role, so she could not spoil the film. If you want a good laugh, go for this one

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

End Of Watch (2012)

Brian Taylor (Jake Gyllenhal) and Mike Zavala (Michael Pena) are two police officers working for the Los Angeles Police Department. Patrolling the streets of South Central LA is a risky job, but Brian tries to lighten the mood by filming daily activities for a project. Brian and Mike are trusted partners and best friends, and both men are looking forward to enjoying the new experiences in their lives. Mike and his wife, Gabby (Natalie Martinez) are expecting their first child, and Brian prepares to marry his new girlfriend, Janet (Anna Kendrick). But Brian and Mike run into some trouble, when they cross paths with a deadly Mexican drug cartel.

Director David Ayer’s rough documentary style provides strong feelings of realism for this film. Ayer’s style is natural, intense, and Endo Of Watch features some exciting action sequences.

Jake Gyllenhal and Micahel Pena share some excellent chemistry throughout this film, and both men delivered very good performances. Natalie Martinez is believable as the supportive wife, and Anna Kendrick provides an enjoyable performance. And for what it’s worth, seeing America Ferrera portray a hard ass, no-nonsense cop felt kind of weird (sorry, can’t stop thinking about Ugly Betty). Plus, David Harbour is hilarious as the disgruntled veteran.

End Of Watch is an exciting and brutal action drama. The violence is pretty graphic and bloody, and End Of Watch packs a powerful punch with a suspenseful and pulse-pounding finale. It’s definitely one of the better mainstream cop dramas I’ve seen over the years. A strong cast combined with David Ayer’s directing and writing help End Of Watch standout, and the shocking surprise at the end was a nice touch, because the “tragic deaths” stuff would’ve been too melodramatic and corny.

Rating: 9/10

Sinister (2012)

Ellison Oswalt (Ethan Hawke) is a struggling and desperate true-crime novelist. He’s searching for some much needed inspiration, so he moves his family to a small and quiet town. The new house has a disturbing history: the previous tenants were brutally murdered by an unknown suspect. Ellison ignores a warning from the local sheriff, and his wife, Tracey (Juliet Rylance) isn’t aware of the crucial details surrounding the murders.

During a routine trip to the attic, Ellison finds a box with a film projector and various reels of Super 8 footage. Each reel contains footage of brutal and horrifying murders. The murders are carefully planed out, and Ellison is clearly terrified after watching each reel. Ellison has found the big break he was looking for, and with the help of Deputy So-And-So (James Ransone), Ellison digs deeper into the series of suspiciously related murders.

Ellison continues his research, but a series of bizarre incidents disrupt the early drafts for his new book. After a few strange nights of the film projector playing by itself, showing the one murder that happened in the new home, Ellison seeks the help of Professor Jonas (Vincent D’Onofrio). When it comes to demons and the occult, Jonas is an expert, and he explains the history of the reoccurring figure in the Super 8 reels. Bughuul (or Mr. Boogie) is an evil pagan deity, who can possess children, and force them to murder their families. And Bughuul uses films (or photos) as a gateway to the real world.

Ellisson’s son, Trevor (Michael Hall D’Addario) suffers from a severe case of night terrors, and his daughter, Ashley (Clare Foley) has a bad habit of painting on the walls. Ashley and Trevor show signs of odd behavoir after Bughuul’s first appereance, which leads Ellison to one disturbing question: Are his children Buguul’s next victims?

Scott Derrickson is the same man, who directed The Day The Earth Stood Still remake, but I’m a fan of his work on horror films. Derrickson is the only man, who directed a respectable straight-to-video Hellraiser film (Inferno), and his work for The Last Exorcism Of Emily Rose is something to admire. Sinister is loaded with some great tension, and Derrickson provides some good jump scares every now and then.

With the exception of the bloody finale, Derrickson takes a restrained approach to the gory stuff here. The restrained approach creates more terror and shock, because instead of seeing endless piles of blood and guts, Derrickson gives the audience the idea of gruesomeness, and he pulls the plug at the right moment. For example, Ellison watches a murder that involves a lawnmower. The killer quietly pushes the lawnmower across the yard, and then BAM! He or she ploughs the lawnmower across a helpless victim’s face. But Derrickson just shows the initial contact, not the bloody aftermath. This approach leaves you with that “holy shit that must’ve been brutal!” feeling.

Ethan Hawke is a convincing leading man, and the supporting cast is decent enough. I was hoping for more scenes with Vincent D’ Onofrio. You’ll only see him in a few online chat sessions with Hawke, but D’ Onofrio showed some potential, as the knowledgeable professor, who’s willing to lend a helping hand.

I can’t ignore the horror clichés (you have to expect this from mainstream horror flicks), but Sinister kicks into a frightening and chilling high gear, as the story develops. Plus, the final twists deliver some great shocking surprises. Oh, and speaking of shocking surprises, try to ignore the poster for this film, because Sinister’s feature movie poster gives away a major spoiler.

Rating: 8/10

Dude, I was about to post mini-reviews for these two movies as they're last two I've been able to see!

I wasn't as impressed with End Of Watch as you were. Structurally speaking, what was Ayer thinking by adding ghost shots to a film that was clearly meant to be found-footage? Furthermore, the Gyllenhaal/Kendrick sidestory was pointless and there were too many instances of ineptitude on the cops' behalf. That being said, I loved Pena's performance and all of the footage taken in the streets of South Central. I'd give it a 6/10.

I couldn't agree more with you about Sinister. This was an excellent horror film with a modest yet effective amount of violence and perfectly fleshed-out characters whose actions, given their motivations and desires, were completely understandable. It dragged on a bit towards the end, but this is just a minor gripe I have with the film. I give it a 9/10.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Dude, I was about to post mini-reviews for these two movies as they're last two I've been able to see!

I wasn't as impressed with End Of Watch as you were. Structurally speaking, what was Ayer thinking by adding ghost shots to a film that was clearly meant to be found-footage? Furthermore, the Gyllenhaal/Kendrick sidestory was pointless and there were too many instances of ineptitude on the cops' behalf. That being said, I loved Pena's performance and all of the footage taken in the streets of South Central. I'd give it a 6/10.

I couldn't agree more with you about Sinister. This was an excellent horror film with a modest yet effective amount of violence and perfectly fleshed-out characters whose actions, given their motivations and desires, were completely understandable. It dragged on a bit towards the end, but this is just a minor gripe I have with the film. I give it a 9/10.

What's this? A Tdigle sighting? I don't believe it!

I understand where you're coming from with the ghost shots, but I still loved Ayer's style. It felt like I was watching an uncensored and high octane episode of Cops, and the intensity really picks up at the end.

The Kendrick/Gyllenhaal relationship did kill momentum of the story at times, but you have to admit, the scene where Pena's wife gives Kendrick sex advice at the wedding party was hilarious.

As far as the ineptitude of the cops goes, I'll use the scene where David Harbour and his rookie partner get their asses handed to them by some random gang member as an example. I mean come on, you're going to throw a rookie, who's inexperienced and clearly frightened into a deadly situation?

But what really drove the rating up for me was the final moments. As I said before, the tragic deaths stuff would've been too corny, and I'm glad they decided to go with one sole survivor. The final funeral scene delivers a hard emotional gut punch and a surprise, because I seriously believed cops died in the bloody shootout at the end.

As far as Sinister goes, yeah, it was fucking incredible. I honestly didn't expect much from it, but Sinister blew me away. It's nice to see other mainstream horror films receive some much deserved praise this year. I lost all hope after the enormous shit fests known as The Devil Inside and Chernobyl Diaries, but Sinister was a nice surprise, and A Cabin In The Woods was a total mind-fuck from beginning to end. But more importantly, Paranormal Craptivity was trashed by the majority of critics this year. Hell, die hard fans of the series openly admitted Paranormal Activity 4 was the worst film in the entire franchise. Still waiting on The Collection this Friday, but the previews haven't done anything for me, and the first film was average at best.

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

it's kind of a funny story (2010)

This movie does a tremendous job of taking reality and comedy and mixing them together perfectly. It was easy to identify with the main characters in a very real way, but there was enough laughter that it wasn't emotionally exhausting.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Hick (2012)

While hitchhiking to Las Vegas, a runaway teenager runs into some serious trouble. Trying to escape Nick (Anson Mount), her alcoholic father and her inept mother, Luli (Chole Grace Moretz) forms a partnership with an unstable grifter named Glenda (Blake Lively).

Armed with a handgun (which happens to be a birthday present) and looking for adventure, Luli begins to enjoy her new life….until she runs into Lloyd (Ray McKinnon) and Eddie (Eddie Redmayne). Luli cherishes the student/mentor relationship with Glenda, but Llyod wants some time alone with Glenda, and Luli becomes a victim of Eddie’s violent and erratic behavior.

With the exception of some beautiful countryside shots, Director Derick Martini’s style is pretty dull.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, for some strange reason, Blake Lively becomes a better actress, when she portrays a trashy woman. Glenda is an unstable coke-head, who befriends a runaway teenage girl, and Lively provides one of the better performances in this film. Moretz is solid in the leading role, but her character sends out too many mixed and uncomfortable signals (more on that later). Eddie Redmayne is a convincing lowlife. McKinnon, Alec Baldwin, Anson Mount, and Juliette Lewis (she plays Moretz’s mother) aren’t worth mentioning, because they don’t receive a significant amount of screen time.

Acting isn’t the problem here. The cast is strong, but the story is an undecipherable mess. Why is Luli running away? Is she seeking revenge against her neglectful parents? Is she trying to grow up too fast? Is she looking for a relationship with an older man? Or is Luli trying to become a professional grifter? Luli’s motivations are unclear throughout this film, and the story is just one big confusing mess.

I’m not sure of her actual age, but in real life, Chole Grace Moretz is a young teenage girl. In this movie, Moretz’s character wears skimpy and revealing clothing, and she constantly flirts with older men. Martini tries to turn Moretz into a piece of eye candy, but she’s too young to portray this sort of character, and Luli’s flirty mannerisms cause some genuine awkward moments.

Hick tries to be a cautionary tale about kids running away from home. And you know what, Hick showed some early signs of potential. The cast provides a nice set of good performances, but the story quickly devolves into a mess, and I can’t ignore the creepy pedophilic undertones. Hick is based on a novel, but after watching the movie, I will avoid the book at all costs.

Rating: 0/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World (2012)

A deadly asteroid named Matilda will destroy Earth in three weeks, and Dodge’s (Steve Carell) wife, Linda (Nancy Carell) suddenly abandons him without giving an explanation. Dodge tries to find some peace at a friend’s party, but after a few failed and forced attempts for a one-night stand, Dodge decides to spend his final days on Earth alone.

One night, Dodge tries to commit suicide by drinking cough syrup and window cleaner, but Dodge is still alive the next morning, and he becomes the owner of a stranger’s dog. Disappointed and looking for an escape, Dodge teams up with his neighbor, Penny (Keria Knightley). Dodge agrees to help Penny fly to England, so she can see her family one last time, and Penny will help Dodge find Olivia (an ex-girlfriend). Will Penny and Dodge find closure before Matilda destroys Earth?

Steve Carell delivers another enjoyable performance as the quirky and up-tight nerd, and Keria Knightley is solid as the free spirit, who will do anything to see her parents one last time. Martin Sheen has a brief appearance towards the end. He plays Dodge’s father, but as far as Sheen’s performance goes, there’s nothing worth mentioning, because his screen time is regulated to cameo status.

Lorene Scafaria wrote the screenplay, and she makes her directorial debut here. Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World starts out as a whacky comedy about two people, who are looking for closure before Earth is destroyed by an asteroid. But everything slowly evolves into an emotional love story between Penny and Dodge.

A lot of critics and movie fans complained about the tonal shifts. I didn’t have a problem with the tonal shifts, because you have to remember, the world is coming to an end. Witnessing the sadness and dread from the main cast of characters didn’t irritate me, because earlier on, they enjoyed their final moments of life. But as time ran out, they realized it was all over.

All in all, the main cast of characters didn’t waste any time. They partied, had fun, and they the cherished their precious time with loved ones. But as Matilda drew closer, they finally realized the devastation of their inevitable doom. There was no escape, so the transition from a lighthearted comedy to an emotional finale makes perfect sense.

Also, the “disappointing ending” caused a lot of complaints.

Spoiler

Dodge puts Penny on a plane with his father, so she can see her family one last time. But Dodge puts Penny on the plane, while she’s asleep, so Penny won’t have a chance to refuse the offer. At this pont of the story, Penny and Dodge have already fallen in love after decdeing to finally let go of their pasts. Anyway, Dodge returns to his apartment complex to die alone, but guess, who shows up? Penny! It was kind of predictable, but Penny shows up, because she deicdes to spend her final minutes on Earth with Dodge.

So they’re laying in bed together, and Matilda finally hits Earth. You can hear loud explosions in the background, and Penny starts to cry, as she begs Dodge to keep her awake (apparently, Penny has narcolepsy). Penny continues to cry, Evan keeps talking, the world is starting to crumble…… and then the screen fades to white to end the movie.

This might sound like a disappointing ending, but I just have one question for all the people, who complained: what else were you expecting? Fiery Michael Bay style explosions? Or did you want to see an ending, where Dodge and Penny kiss each other one last time, as melting corpses with a dramatic score in the background, and more explosions? Dodge and Penny had a chance to say their good-byes to each other, and then it’s over. I didn’t need to see a series of fiery explosions, and Penny screaming in the ruins of Earth. No, Scafaria pulls the plug at the right moment, providing a gentle and heartbreaking conclusion.

Carell and Knightley share some excellent chemistry, as two very likeable main characters, and I enjoyed most of the humor in this film. It’s not perfect, but Seeking A friend For The End Of The World is one of the better apocalyptic films I’ve seen this year.

Rating: 8/10

 

[TLC]

Premium Rush​

Premium rush is an adrenaline filled chase movie about bike messengers who cause havoc in NYC with their reckless cycling. The film centers around Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Wilee. A young bike messenger who enjoys the excitement of cycling around the city so much, that he has no brake on his bike and his only gear is go. Wilee accidentally crosses path with Bobby Monday (Michael Shannon) when picking up an envelope. After acquiring the envelope, it leads Wilee into a series of events where he's not only running from NYPD officer Bobby Monday, but seemingly the entire police force; the only way out, seems to be by delivering the envelope.

The film is directed David Koepp, who is usually known for his writing, delivers a highly entertaining film which offers some sweet chsee scenes and genuine thrills. Though nothing is too original, other than maybe Wilee's sixth sense for danger, it doesn't need to as the film does exactly what it was designed to do; entertain. The script, (also written by Koepp) is nothing to write home about but is adequate and offers some very funny moments, especially with the bike cop chasing Wilee too.

The two main characters, Levitt and Shannon give some fantastic performance, especially Michael Shannon. Levitt played the young, cocky kid really well and adds another great performance to his increasing resume. Michael Shannon is the star in this film though. His performance as the crazy Bobby Monday is really quite something, as someone who doesn't exactly look threatening, he becomes especially terrifying throughout the movie. The rest of the cast were pretty good and nobody gave bad performances, though nobody was really given enough screen time other than Dania Ramirez who plays Wilee's girlfriend.

Premium Rush offers some high energy and great imagination. The film doesn't give the characters much depth but thankfully the film moves fast enough that it didn't need to. If you're looking for something meaningful or something emotional, this isn't the film for you, but if you want to watch high octane chases through some very unusual environments and lots of action, then this is a must watch.

TLC's rating: ****

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The Man With The Iron Fists (2012)

Planning to sabotage a shipment of gold, Silver Lion (Byron Mann) kills Gold Lion, the Lion Clan leader. Angry and driven by revenge, Zen-Yi (Rick Yune), the son of Gold Lion, plans to track down and kill Silver Lion.

Caught in the middle of a deadly conflict, The Blacksmith (RZA) is forced to forge weapons for the Lion Clan. The new leader, Silver Lion and his trusted partner, Bronze Lion (Cung Le) have taken control of the Lion Clan, but they need the Blacksmith’s weapons to complete their conquest. The Blacksmith is just trying to make enough money to provide a better life for his girlfriend/prostitute, Lady Silk (Jamie Chung), but his decision to do the right thing will have dire consequences.

After defying strict orders from Silver Lion, Brass Body (Batista, yes THAT Batista) chops off both of The Blacksmith’s arms with a white-hot sword. Decapitated and demoralized, The Blacksmith loses all hope, until he runs into a British soldier. Jack Knife (Russell Crowe) provides aid and shelter for The Blacksmith, and when he finally regains his courage, The Blacksmith forges a new weapon for himself: two cast iron arms. With the help of Jack Knife, Zen-Yi, and Lady Blossom (Lucy Liu) The Blacksmith will launch a desperate attack to stop Silver Lion, Bronze Lion, and Brass Body from destroying his village.

Oh boy, where do I start with RZA’s directing. His style is very convoluted and the choppy editing doesn’t help anything. I’ll give him credit for a few entertaining fight scenes, but overall, I couldn’t get into the action side of The Man With Iron Fists. The overload of clustrefuck style fight scenes might give you a seizure, and the final battle between Brass Body and The Blacksmith is laughably bad. Plus, RZA’s narrating is beyond annoying.

As I expected, Lucy Liu EASILY deleivers the best performance as Lady Blossom. Liu is fantastic as the sultry and lethal madam, and Russell Crowe is enjoyable as Jack Knife. RZA isn’t convicing as the leading man. I just couldn’t buy into him, and RZA’s mediocre perfromance doesn’t help his character. Jamie Chung is just eye candy, and Batista’s dull performance as Brass Body is painful to watch. He showed more energy and enthusiasm during his 2009-2010 heel run. Rick Yune, Byron Mann, and Cung Le all fall under the category of “unstoppable and bad-ass killing machines,” and their performances are very one-dimensional.

Usually, I’m a sucker for brutal and bloody violence, and The Man With Iron Fists is loaded with gory fight scenes. The kills from Jack Knife’s signature knife/gun weapon are sickening, but I can’t give this film a positive score. The CGI looks cheap and tacky, the editing is atrocious, and the story is a mess.

Obviously, RZA is a fan of the Kung-Fu genre. RZA was trying to pay homage to the old school Kung Fu films, but still, The Man With The Iron Fists is an abomination. I didn’t think it was possible, but the red band trailers for The Man With The Iron Fist were more entertaining than the actual movie. But I won’t go with a zero, because Lucy Liu was spot on as Lady Blossom and Russell Crowe delivered an entertaining performance as Jack Knife.

Rating: 2/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The Odd Life Of Timothy Green (2012)

Cindy (Jennifer Garner) and Jim (Joel Edgerton) Green are fighting to keep their dreams of having a child alive. Distraught and unable to conceive as a couple, Jim comes up with a unique idea to give his wife some hope. Cindy and Jim write out lists of acheivments and attributes for their dream child, Jim places the lists in a box, and Jim buries the box in the backyard garden.

One night, during a sudden and unexpected rainstorn, a child named Timothy (CJ Adams) pops up out of the garden, and he sneaks into the Green’s house. Bewildered and delighted, Cindy and Jim embrace and accpet Timothy as their own child. But The Green’s delightful surprise has a bizarre physical condition. Cindy discovers leaves growing on Timothy ‘s legs, and soon enough, The Greens will have to introduce Timothy into the real world. Can Timothy gain the acceptance and trust from Tom and Cindy’s familes, and fit in as a regualr kid at school?

Director Peter Hedges provides some beautiful daytime shots during autumn season, but his style is simplistic.

CJ Adams is likeable as Timothy Green. Odeya Rush portrays Joni, Timothy’s only friend at school. Rush sheds a few tears towards the end, and she showed signs of real talent every now and then. Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton are believable sympathetic characters, Ron Livingston is spot on as Jim’s douchebag boss, and David Morse provides a solid performance, as the tough and old school father (Morse portrays Jim’s dad).

Peter Hedges also wrote the screenplay for this film, and as a writer, Hedges tries to provide a genuinely moving and emotional story. But I had trouble buying into the fantasy side of this film. It’s easy to feel sympathy for Jim and Cindy. They’re caring people, who want the experience of being parents, but Timothy’s origins raised too many mind-boggling questions.

Once Timothy’s leaves start to fall off and turn brown, his fate becomes painfully obvious. When Timothy starts to lose his leaves, the story turns into a predictable and boring snooze fest. “Yep. Just waiting for him to die now.” I couldn’t escape this feeling, and for me, The Odd Life Of Timothy Green’s home stretch was a chore to sit through.

The flimsy premise was too shaky for my taste, but The Odd Life Of Timothy Green features a strong cast and a nice set of likeable characters. Timothy’s life story is far fetched, but The Odd Life Of Timothy Green has a good heart. And more importantly, this film never reaches a too sappy point, because there’s a good balance of humor and drama.

Rating: 5/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The Moth Diaries (2012)

Struggling to move on after her father’s gruesome suicide, Rebecca (Sarah Bolger) joins a prestigious private school for girls. With the support of her mother and new friends at school, Rebecca begins to enjoy her life again…until Ernessa (Lily Cole) comes into the picture. Ernessa quickly emerges as the popular new girl in school. She throws parties, shares her drugs, and Ernessa slowly manipulates Rebecca’s friends one by one.

Angry and frustrated, Rebecca decides to spy on Ernessa. After a few brutal murders and a series of bizarre events, Rebecca comes to one conclusion: Ernessa is a vampire. Rebecca confides in Mr. Davies (Scott Speedman), one of her teachers, but Ernessa continues to stalk Rebecca’s close friends. Can Rebecca convince the right people to believe in her vampire conspiracy before it’s too late?

So I’m scrolling through my TV guide menu on Saturday afternoon, and I come across The Moth Diaries…..on the Chiller Channel. My hopes for this film immediately went down the drain. The Chiller Channel is dedicated to all things horror 24/7. It’s my favorite channel, but the play a lot of shitty horror films. The Chiller Channel is a graveyard for horrible independent horror films (mostly American), and you’ll usually see two types of horror films on Chiller: awfully good horror movies, that are fun to laugh at and mock, or unbearable abominations. They might throw you a bone every now and then, and you’ll see some old school classics (Evil Dead, Night Of The Living Dead, Chucky, etc.). Anyway, The Moth Diaries falls under the unbearable abominations category, unfortunately.

Overall, the acting is decent at best. Bolger is okay in the leading role, and Lily Cole is believable, as the mysterious and sometimes creepy new girl with a secret. But the rest cast doesn’t bring anything special to the table, and Scott Speedman’s performance as Mr. Davies is forgettable.

Director Mary Harron’s style is pretty dull, and Harron fails to provide any jump scares, tension, or real suspense.

The Moth Diaries is loaded with idiotic characters. As the story progresses, it’s painfully obvious Ernessa is a vampire. I mean, for fuck’s sake, she’s walking through windows, drinking blood from another girl’s neck, and she can fly. But Rebecca’s friends are very stupid and naïve. Ernessa tries to poison them with cocaine or weed (I’m not sure which one), and Rebecca is the ONLY one, who suspects something fishy, when Ernessa walks through a fucking window, while sleepwalking on a ledge outside of the school. Oh, and one of Rebecca’s friend’s conveniently dies a slow and painful death, when she teams up with Ernessa.

The evidence continues to pile up (including the dead body of a P.E. teacher, and of course, Ernessa is the only one, who had a real motive to kill her), but for some asinine reason, NOBODY believes Ernessa could be a vampire. “you’re just jealous!” or “you need to see a shrink!.” This is what happens, when Rebecca accuses Ernessa of anything, and the stupidity from the supporting cast of characters in this film is unbelievable.

Also, the tonal shifts create too much confusion. Is the supposed to be a love story or a horror movie? Both? I couldn’t come up with a clear answer for these questions, because The Moth Diaries never maintains a consistent tone. Plus, Rebecca’s narrating almost gave me a headache.

I knew it. As soon as I saw The Moth Diaries pop up under the Chiller Channel, I knew this film would be a giant piece of shit. The Moth Diaries is a boring and dull vampire film with a messy story. Although, I won’t go with a zero rating, because the bloody gross-out scenes are genuinely sickening ( the aftermath of a suicide, and Rebecca’s bloody shower dream sequence with Ernessa). But yeah, it’s still a terrible, terrible film.

Rating: 1/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

our idiot brother (2011)

Over-all, if you have a few extra bucks and are in the mood to waste 90 minutes, then this may be the movie for you. I may give it a 2nd watch but no more than that and I am glad I rented instead of blind buying, which I almost did, mainly due to the cast.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

V/H/S (2012)

Well at first I tried to include each storyline in one long explanation, but the end result was a massive clusterfuck, so I started over. V/H/S features five separate storylines, and “Tape 56” is the main story arc.

Tape 56​

A group of thieves are given a simple task by an unknown client: break into an old man’s house, and steal one VHS tape. When the thieves arrive, a TV is set up with a VCR and a VHS tape, and the old man is dead. The leader of the thieves dismisses the old man’s death as a minor problem, and he orders his crew to find the one tape. One member of the team begins viewing the tape in the VCR. Meanwhile, the leader and his crew go to the basement. Here, they find more tapes, but the frustrated leader still can‘t find Tape 56.

But when the thieves return to the television, the old man’s body is gone, and the original viewer for the first tape has disappeared. The leader and a few of his men try to find the missing team member, while one stays behind to watch the series of tapes. Each tape contains footage of shocking and bizarre murders, and one thing is clear, the thieves are not alone.

So as I said before, V/H/S is broken into five separate storylines. Instead of giving a long and jumbled explanation of each tape, I’m going to write the synopses, and give my thoughts after each one.

#1 Amateur Night​

Shane (Mike Donlan), Patrick (Joe Sykes), and Clint (Drew Sawyer) are trying to pick up women. Shane and Patrick are the cocky alpha males, and Clint is the shy nerd. Shane and Patrick come up with the bright idea of making a sex tape, so they force Clint to wear glasses with a hidden camera. After a series of failed attempts, the guys finally pick up two women: Lily (Hannah Fierman) and Lisa (Jas Sams).

At the hotel room, Lisa passes out from too much alcohol, so Patrick and Shane focus on Lily. But Lily’s odd behavior starts to worry Clint. Determined to complete their conquest, Shane and Patrick move in on Lily, but Lily suddenly bites Patrick’s hand, and during intercourse, Lily kills Shane. Lily slowly transforms into a deadly demon or monster (it’s hard to tell). Patrick and Clint will have to fight their way out of the hotel room, and escape Lily’s deadly attacks.

My Thoughts: This storyline provides a lot of brutal gore and bloody kills. I enjoyed the terror and suspense after Lily’s transformation, but the stupid characters annoyed me. First of all, something is obviously wrong with Lily. She looks like an anorexic junkie, and her behavior is noticeably awkward. Lily constantly whispers “I like you” to Clint, and he senses something strange, but Clint never speaks up until it‘s too late. Shane and Patrick notice the odd behavior, but they ignore Lily’s mannerisms, because hormones triumph over brains here. Seriously, Lily isn’t normal. She’s an oddball, and the guys STILL had a chance to get rid of Lily after she bit Patrick’s hand. I understand the “WE WANT TO GET LAID!” stuff, but come on, you have to draw the line somewhere.

#2 Second Honeymoon​

Sam (Joe Swanberg) and Stephanie (Sophie Takal) need a spark for their marriage, so they decide to go on a second honeymoon. A quiet and peaceful trip to a canyon range could jump start the marriage, but Sam and Stephanie receive an ominous warning from a fortune telling machine. One night, a stranger knocks on Sam and Stephanie’s door at the hotel. A strange woman asks for a favor, but Sam refuses. Later that night, a stranger sneaks into their hotel room, while Sam and Stephanie are sleeping. The stranger teases Stephanie with a switchblade, and he or she steals money from Sam’s wallet. Who is this stranger? And why do they want to harm Stephanie and Sam?

My thoughts: Boring. That is the one word I would use to describe this storyline. And it pains me to say this, because Ti West, one of my favorite directors from any genre, directed this storyline. There’s a nice surprise at the end, but everything before that almost put me to sleep.

#3 Wendy & The Killer In The Woods​

Wendy (Norma C. Quinones) invites three friends for a visit to her hometown. Joey (Drew Moerlein), Spider (Jason Yachanin), and Samantha (Jeannine Yoder) join Wendy on a simple camp out trip to a local forest. Here, Wendy tells the story of an urban legend. A killer, who hid within forest brutally murdered a group of teens. The teens were Wendy’s friends, but Wendy escaped the slaughter. When Wendy explained the killer’s supernatural powers to other people, nobody believed her. One by one, Wendy’s friends begin to disappear, and fear leads the remaining survivors to one question: has the killer returned to finish what he started?

My thoughts: Ugh, I wanted to like this, but Wendy’s storyline slowly develops into this strange slasher version of The Blair Witch Project. Every time the killer shows up, the video camera suddenly malfunctions, and the killer appears through a series of glitches. Yeah, the malfunctioning/glitch trick is annoying, and to top it off, you can barely see the killer. Also, the twist is really fucking stupid.

Spoiler

Okay, so we’re nearing the end, and Wendy and Joey are the only remaining survivors. Joey is terrified, but Wendy explains her plan, as she records Joey’s final moments: Wendy planed to lure her friends into the forest, use them as bait, set up a series of traps to finally catch the killer, and Wendy could finally erase her reputation as the “crazy girl” in town.

Eh, so what if nobody believes you? You saw what happened, you actually escaped the killer’s wrath the first time around, and after all of that, you WILLINGLY return to the forest? Also, Wendy’s plan was beyond idiotic. You’re trying to catch the killer, and obviously you’re a scumbag, because you’re willing to risk your friend’s lives. I get that. But why did Wendy put herself in harm’s way? It doesn’t make any sense. You know what this guy can do, you know he’s unstoppable, so why would you throw yourself into the meat grinder? Oh, and of course, the killer brutally murders Wendy at the end.

I wanted to like this stroyline, but Wendy’s trip home is loaded with predictable slasher clichés and stupid characters.

#4 Emily & James’ Late Night Video Chats​

Emily (Helen Rogers) believes her apartment is haunted. Emily shares a series of late night web chat sessions with her boyfriend, James (Daniel Kaufman). He doesn‘t believe in Emily‘s haunting stories at first, but James changes his mind after Emily’s paranormal encounters with dead children, and the sudden growth of a nasty infection on Emily’s arm.

My Thoughts: Emily’s storyline feels like a cheap rip-off of Paranormal Activity, but I still enjoyed it. A few good jump scares, a frightening conclusion, and there’s a nice diabolical twist at the end.

#5 The Halloween Party​

It’s 1998, and on Halloween night, four friends prepare for a stranger’s (bold) Halloween party. Chad (Chad Villella), Matt (Matt Bettinelli-Oplin), Tyler (Tyler Gillett), and Paul (Paul Natonek) are looking forward to the party. But when they finally arrive at the house, the friends can’t find anyone. After searching the seemingly deserted house, the friends accidentally stumble across an exorcism. Unable to fully understand the situation, the friends fight off the people helping with the exorcism, and they “rescue” a victimized girl. Interrupting the exorcism proves to be a deadly mistake, because the evil demon will stop at nothing to repossess his victim.

My Thoughts: Well I’ll just get the first set of stupid mistakes out of the way first.

1. Why would you go to a stranger’s Halloween party?

2. The house is empty at first, and you don’t see any signs of a party. Just leave.

3. At first, the friends thought the exorcism was a Halloween prank. Okay, that’s fine, but once you realize the exorcism is for real, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. You’re going to fight off a room full of creepy guys and a demon? Seriously?

With all that said, The Halloween Party storyline is still entertaining. It’s intense and suspenseful, and the ending will leave you speechless.

Overall Thoughts​

I compare V/H/S to Applebee’s or T.G.I Fridays. You’ll start out with some delicious mozzarella sticks or buffalo wings, but the main course probably won’t live up to expectations. Your piece of grilled chicken or fish will be dry and bland, you might get a burnt hamburger, and a flat glass of beer to top it off. But a dessert could make up for all of that. You know, one of those hot brownies with chocolate fudge, and a scoop of ice cream.

Inconsistency is the problem here. The storylines for V/H/S are hit and miss. Amateur Night raised my hopes, and it was a solid opener for this film. But The Honeymoon just bored the shit of me, and Wendy’s storyline turns into a poor attempt at making a short slasher movie. Things picked up again, when Emily’s storyline rolled around, and The Halloween Party was the perfect conclusion.

V/H/S gives any horror fan everything they could possibly ask for. Lots of blood, gruesome kills, a few good jump scares, and nudity. Overall, the acting is solid, and Hannah Fierman easily gives the best performance as Lily. I appreciate the effort to put a spin on the found-footage genre. The anthology style of storytelling provides a refreshing experience, but the stinkers (Wendy and The Honeymoon) destroy the momentum for V/H/S.

Rating: 5/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

red riding hood (2011)

It's a decent movie, and I don't feel like I wasted my time/money, but I probably will never watch this again unless there's a version containing more gruesome deaths or a Seyfried deleted nude scene.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Decent? Come on, KKG you're being too generous. And this is coming from a HUGE Amanda Seyfried fan.

Seyfried and Gary Oldman (I still can't believe he took a part in that film) tried their best, but they couldn't save Red Riding Hood. It's a very boring and dull horror film with one of the most cliched stories I've ever seen. And I don't know about you, but the love triangle garbage drove me nuts.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

ATM (2012)

Before she leaves for another job, David (Brian Geraghty) takes one final shot at Emily (Alice Eve), his co-worker and long-time crush. David prepares to give Emily a ride home after an office party, but his friend, Corey (Josh Peck) complicates the situation. Corey is a moocher, and he needs a ride home. David is a good friend, so he allows Corey to join in on the ride with Emily. Along the way, Corey complains about being hungry. He needs money for an all-night pizza place, so David stops at an ATM. Corey has some “trouble” with his card, so David uses his own card to take money out of the ATM. Emily doesn’t want to stay in the car by herself, so she joins David and Corey inside in the ATM.

David has the money, he prepares to leave with Corey and Emily, but a creepy stranger wearing a hooded coat suddenly appears out of nowhere. Fearing the worst, David, Corey, and Emily stay inside the ATM for safety, and the stranger’s intentions quickly become clear, as he murders a man walking his dog……

The obscene amount of gaping plot holes are a major problem, and ATM features one too many unlikeable characters. David is a nice guy, but Corey is obviously taking advantage of him. Corey continues to shit on him, and David just takes it. And speaking of Corey, he’s the most annoying character in this film, easily. He’s a prime example of a shitty friend, who’ll mooch off of anybody, and he’s such a tool. Alice Eve is a gorgeous woman, but Emily isn’t too bright.

Stupidity is another problem. First of all, IT’S JUST ONE GUY WITHOUT A GUN. Double team him, and kick his ass. Why am I mentioning this? Because as the story progresses, a man wearing clothing similar to the killer’s hooded attire walks into the ATM. Out of fear, David and Corey jump him, and guess what? They beat the stranger to death. But for some asinine reason, David, Corey, and Emily stay inside the ATM after the beat down, because they’re afraid of the killer?

When then they arrive at the ATM, in an attempt to punish Corey for his childish behavior, David parks the car at least twenty feet from the ATM. This was a brainless choice, because the parking lot was completely empty, and you just killed your chances of having a safe path to the car. Oh, and of course, David, Corey, and Emily leave their cell phones inside the car.

And the killer is a dumbass. During the intro and the ridiculous finale, ATM tries to sell the killer as this devious genius, but I couldn’t buy into this persona. The killer spends the majority of the movie trying to break in through the back door of the ATM. This doesn’t work, and towards the end, before the survivors FINALLY figure out a way to call for help, the killer comes up with one bright idea: flood the ATM with a water hose! Wait, so you spent the vast majority of the film trying to break in through the back door, and all of the sudden, you realize flooding the ATM would’ve been the best option? The killer could’ve easily flooded the ATM in the beginning, but he wasted thirty to forty minutes trying to break in through the back door? Unbelievable.

I can ignore one or two plot holes, maybe three. Also, when I sit down to watch a movie, I try to stay in suspension of disbelief mode, but ATM pushes everything too far. During the horrible ending, the cops arrest the wrong person. They just pull up, assume the one guy standing in the parking lot is the killer (without knowing anything about the situation), and they arrest him without asking any questions or having any evidence to pin on him? The killer is clever, because he knew how to out-smart one camera? There’s only one camera at a 24/7 ATM??? Yeah, it’s late at night. I understand that. But the ATM is in the middle of a metropolitan city. It’s on a main street, and after four or five hours, the survivors only see ONE car (a security guard) on the road? Please.

ATM is shit. No scares, no suspense, no real tension, and bland directing. I honestly can’t understand how someone could pull the “guilty pleasure” card (I’ve seen this in other places), because ATM isn’t laughably bad…… it’s just bad. The acting is okay, but ATM is loaded with stupid and annoying characters, obvious plot holes, and this film features one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen. Avoid ATM at all costs, or you’ll be sorry.

Rating: 0/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

I forget I wrote this a while ago......

Dredd 3D (2012)

In the future, Judges police Mega-City One, a violent and unruly metropolis, containing eight-hundred million people. Having the power of judge, jury, and executioner, the Judges try to control the endless outbreaks of carnage. One day, in an attempt to bring down the vicious drug lord known as Ma-Ma (Lena Headey), Judge Dredd (Karl Urban) infiltrates a slum apartment building with the help of a rookie Judge. Judge Cassandra Anderson (Olivia Thirlby) is a mutant, who possesses psychic powers, but her lack of experience as a Judge becomes a problem.

Dredd and Anderson try to secure one of Ma-Ma’s more important gang members. Kay (Wood Harris) is one of Ma-Ma’s trusted clansman. Dredd and Anderson prepare to leave with Kay, but they run into some unexpected trouble. Ma-Ma locks the Judges inside the apartment building, and she instantly orders a hit. Ma-Ma controls the distribution of Slo-Mo, an addictive drug that provides a powerful slow motion experience for the user, and Kay’s testimony could destroy her empire. Ma-Ma will do anything to kill Dredd and Anderson, so the two Judges will have to fight their way through the apartment building, and survive relentless attacks from Ma-Ma‘s henchmen and other residents.

I couldn’t stand Vantage Point, but Pete Travis’ directing for Dredd is outstanding. His style is raw and gritty, and Travis creates the perfect desolate atmosphere for this film. And the 3D effects are simply amazing. The effects from the Slo-Mo drug are breathtaking in 3D, and Dredd is loaded with impressive visuals.

Karl Urban’s serious and straightforward performance as Dredd is enjoyable. Plus, leaving the helmet on for the entire film was a nice touch, because the helmet adds more mystique to the Dredd character. Olivia Thirlbly and Wood Harris provide a pair of solid performances, but I have mixed feelings for Lena Headey’s Ma-Ma. Headey’s physical appearance (the scars, the scruffy hairdo, the tattoos, her dirty teeth) is more intimidating than her actual performance. I LOVE Headey, but she’s kind of dull as the primary antagonist.

Dredd is an action-packed thrill ride. Dredd is brutal, violent, gruesome, and the 3D effects are incredible. Dredd 3D is an exciting action/sci-fi film, and yes, it‘s better than Judge Dredd 1995.

Initially, Dredd received overwhelming amounts of praise. But when Dredd hit the US, the high rating on Rotten Tomatoes (I think it was 95%) took a huge hit, and Dredd 3D was a massive box office flop. Dredd is outstanding, and some people (mainly internet movie geeks like myself) can’t understand the disappointing box office numbers. Well, Dredd’s failure at the box office is easy to understand for a few reasons.

1. 3D. Attaching 3D to the title off this film wasn't a good idea, especially when you put so much emphasis on the 3D effects. A lot of moviegoers won't spend the extra cash, and you can't ignore the declining profits for 3D films.

2. Stallone’s Judge Dredd is an infamous turkey. The casual moviegoer isn’t going to search the internet for the truth: Dredd is an unrelated adaptation to Stallone’s Dredd. “A remake of that awful Sylvester Stallone movie? I’m not going to spend my money on that piece of trash.” After watching the trailer, this had to be the first thought in any causal moviegoer’s mind.

3. The marketing campaign was shit. Lionsgate pushed the trailers and TV spots, but why should everyone else care about Dredd? Flooding the internet with trailers, and pushing the TV spots sounds like a good idea, but everything just felt so vague. Was Lionsgate seriously expecting to coast off of a 95% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and favorable reviews from the Toronto and San Diego Comic-Con International Film Festivals?

4. This ties in with part three, but Dredd doesn’t have mass appeal. A female antagonist isn’t enough, and most women aren’t going to watch a bloody and violent action film. Plus, Dredd 3D isn’t kid-friendly at all.

Rating: 8/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

The Tall Man (2012)

**SPOILERS**

In a small and oppressed mining town, a mysterious figure known as The Tall Man abducts children. The children are disappearing, the police don’t have any leads to follow, and families continue to suffer the wrath of the elusive child abductor.

Julia (Jessica Biel) is the town nurse, and she lives alone with her son, David. Julia enjoys a quiet and normal life….. until David is taken by The Tall Man. Without any help or protection, Julia immediately pursues The Tall Man. The distraught single mother must save her son, and uncover the identity of The Tall Man, but an unexpected car crash changes everything.

If you’re expecting a horror film, then you need to stay away from The Tall Man. Don’t believe the trailers, because The Tall Man is a mystery/drama film.

After the first abduction, the story takes a bizarre turn. Julia tries to catch up to The Tall Man by herself, so she can save her son. During the pursuit, Julia is taken by The Tall Man. Along with her son David, Julia becomes a hostage, but on their way to The Tall Man’s hideout, Julia is able to cause a distraction, and The Tall Man loses control of his van. But when Julia recovers from the crash, The Tall Man and David are gone.

With the help of the police force, Julia is taken to the local diner for food and clean clothes. Here, the townspeople keep an unusual close eye on Julia. When Julia goes to the bathroom to change clothes, the townspeople try to make a citizen's arrest, but Julia quickly escapes the diner, and before the townspeople have a chance to catch up with her, Julia runs into the woods.

Why are the townspeople trying to capture Julia? She just lost her son to The Tall Man, so why are they trying to harm her? And here comes the first twist! The person, who kidnapped Julia’s son isn’t The Tall Man. The kidnapper is David’s biological mother. Oddly enough, David’s real mother wears clothing similar to The Tall Man’s known description. David’s biological mother is a poor woman, who lives alone, and Julia was the assigned mother, who provided a better life for David.

The first twist caught me off guard, but second twist is just mind-blowing: Julia is the mastermind/leader of a secret operation that takes children away from neglectful and abusive parents, who can’t afford a normal lifestyle for their children. The Tall Man is Julia’s husband, originally pronounced dead at the beginning of the film (Julia spread the lie to protect her husband's identity). Julia’s husband abducts underprivileged children, and he places them in homes, where foster parents promise to provide better lives for them. Plus, Julia’s husband provides the foster parents with new documents (new name, birth certificate, social security card, etc.).

Okay, so at this point, I’m really sucked into the story. Julia is in jail, because she’s the only known suspect the police can find. The babysitter, who helped take care of David was one of Julia’s trusted accomplices, but when the police stormed Julia’s house, she committed suicide by hanging herself. In an attempt to force Julia to reveal more details, David’s biological mother has a talk with Julia in prison. Julia takes the blame for The Tall Man’s crimes, and then she drops the bombshell on David’s mom: the children aren’t missing, they’re dead. Devastated, David’s mother leaves the prison with no hope, Julia becomes the most hated person in America, and she might receive the death penalty.

But another twist changes the direction of the story again. The children aren’t dead. It was a lie. Julia had to protect The Tall Man operation. She had to keep the cops and other law enforcement agencies off the trail. Someone had to take the fall, and Julia wanted to be that person, because she wanted to keep her dream alive. All of the children, including David (earlier in the film, Julia eventually took him away from his biological mother again) are safe with their new families. Jenny, a mute child and a friend of Julia’s is the most recent child to be taken away by The Tall Man. Throughout the film, Jenny begged Julia to let The Tall Man take her away, because she wanted to escape her mother and alcoholic boyfriend.

Jessica Biel is strong in the leading role, and The Tall Man features a solid supporting cast. Your enjoyment of this film is going to depend on your reaction to the series of plot twists. Personally, I don’t think there’s any middle ground. When it comes to the plot twists, you’re either going to love them or hate them, it’s that simple. I LOVED the constant twists and turns, and I’m glad they didn’t turn this into another predictable horror film. An ordinary horror story about some mysterious boogeyman kidnapping children would’ve been lame, but The Tall Man goes the extra mile. It’s a thought-provoking mystery/drama film, and The Tall Man delivers some fantastic shockers along the way.

Rating: 7/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Jumanji (1995)

In 1969, a young Alan Parrish finds a board game named Jumanji. After taking a beating from a group of bullies, and hiding in his father’s shoe factory, Alan takes the board game home. Alan plans to run away from home after an argument with his father, but things change when Sarah, the girlfriend of the ring leader for the bullies, shows up to return his stolen bike. Alan convinces Sarah to play Jumanji with him, but after a roll of the dice, Alan is sucked into the board game, and Sarah is scared off by a swarm of bats.

Twenty-six years later, two young children named Judy (Kirsten Dunce) and Peter (Bradley Pierce) move into Alan’s childhood home after their parent’s sudden and tragic deaths. Aunt Nora (Bebe Neuwrith) is the guardian, and Nora will have her hands full with a disrespectful niece and a strange nephew. Plus, Jumanji will only complicate Nora’s problems. One day, while snooping around in the attic, Judy and Peter find the Jumanji board game. Unaware of its evil powers, Judy and Peter decide to play Jumanji. After a few rolls of the dice, Judy and Peter free Alan from the board game. Now twenty-six years older, Alan (Robin Williams) will have to find Sarah, and with Peter and Judy’s help, the group will have to finish one game of Jumanji. Finshing the game will restore Alan’s normal life as a child, send the wild jungle animals back to their homes, and stop Jumanji’s magical path of destruction.

Well, I’m burnt out on 2012 stuff right now, so I decided to watch Jumanji. As a kid, I LOVED this movie. Hell, I begged my mother to buy me the board game for my birthday.

It took me a while to realize it, but the kid, who plays Judy is a young Kirsten Dunce. Robin Williams is predictably whacky as usual, and the rest of the cast is solid. Although, David Alan Grier is annoying at times. I used to enjoy his work on Living Color, but with the exception of a flashback at the beginning, his character is so obnoxious and over the top.

Jumanji was a fun experience as a child, but I’m older now, and this film didn’t do anything for me. The CGI monkeys look so fake, the special effects are horribly outdated, and it’s hard to ignore. The humor is pretty lame, and Johnathan Hyde is a problem here. I’m not complaining about his performances, but Hyde portrays two characters in this film: Alan’s father and Van Pelt, a hunter, who emerges from Jumanji. Even with the beard as Van Pelt, it’s so easy to see the same guy as two characters. There’s no illusion, and Hyde’s double duty just kills any interest in both characters.

I can watch the live action Ninja Turtles films (the first two, because I still despise the third one and the time travel bullshit) and Home Alone 2 now a days, and I’ll still experience those great feelings of nostalgia. I can’t say the same thing about Jumanji. I chuckled a few times, and I enjoyed some of the adventurous action sequences (mainly the flood and man-eating vine attacks in the house towards the end), but overall, Jumanji was too dull for me.

Rating: 4/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

Decent? Come on, KKG you're being too generous. And this is coming from a HUGE Amanda Seyfried fan.

Seyfried and Gary Oldman (I still can't believe he took a part in that film) tried their best, but they couldn't save Red Riding Hood. It's a very boring and dull horror film with one of the most cliched stories I've ever seen. And I don't know about you, but the love triangle garbage drove me nuts.

thing is i was high when i watched and therfore may have to re-watch it and see if you right.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

thing is i was high when i watched and therfore may have to re-watch it and see if you right.

That explains a lot. Try watching it with a clear head next time, and I'll be shocked if you can sit through the entire movie.

Halloween Resurrection (2002)

Three years after the events of Halloween H20: 20 Years later, Michael Myers is still on the loose, and Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) was committed to an insane asylum after murdering a helpless paramedic. Without taking off the mask first, Laurie used an axe to behead the paramedic. Unbeknownst to Laurie, Michael attacked and crushed the paramedic’s larynx at the private school. He switched clothes with the paramedic, forced his mask on him, and Michael quietly walked away from the crime scene.

In 2001, Laurie lives a lonely life of silence at the asylum, and she avoids taking her medication. Laurie dreads Michael’s inevitable arrival, and after catching a brief glimpse of him through her window on Halloween night, Laurie immediately panics. After murdering two security guards, Michael sets his sights on Laurie. But when Michael enters Laurie’s room, she gains the upper hand by attacking him from behind, and Laurie escapes to the roof of the asylum. Laurie captures Michael with a trap, but Michael seizes the opportunity to eliminate his #1 target after a careless mistake. Dangling from the roof with his sister, Michael uses his kitchen knife to stab Laurie in the back. Laurie kisses Michael, and before she falls to her death, Laurie promises a reunion in “hell.“

One year later, Freddie Harris (Busta Rhymes) and Nora Winston (Tyra Banks) plan a Halloween reality show special/scavenger hunt at Michael Myers’ abandoned childhood home. Freddie and Nora produce and direct shows for DangerTainment, a reality web show series. In an attempt to unravel the mystery behind his murderous rage, the participants must search for clues from Michael’s past. Six college students are selected for the show: Sara Moyer (Bianca Kajlich), Jim Morgan (Luke Kirby), Donna Chang (Daisy McCrackin), Bill Woodlake (Thomas Ian Nicholas), Rudy Grimes (Sean Patrick Thomas), and Jen Danzig (Katee Sackhoff).

Initially, Sara expresses her doubts and suspicions, but she decides to join the group after one night of thinking it over. Deckard (Ryan Merriman) is Sara’s nerdy computer friend, he decides to watch the web show at a Halloween party, and Nora monitors everything on a series of televisions. The suspicions of a hoax are confirmed, when Freddie shows up in a Michael Myers costume. Making money is Freddie’s only concern, but the appearance of the real Michael Myers changes everything……

I think I posted an old mini-review of Halloween Resurrection in here a while ago. It was during my annual “watch all the Halloween movies during October” marathon. But I usually skip over Resurrection, because it’s so fucking awful. I’m sure that post is buried in here somewhere. Oh well, time for an updated version!

I don’t know why, but for some strange reason, I foolishly cling to the hopes of Resurrection instantly transforming into a better film. Maybe I was just tired that day, or I could’ve been in a bad mood. Just a few examples of the excuses I come up with sometimes, but like most Halloween fans (surprisingly, some Halloween fans actually enjoy this turd), you just have to face facts: Halloween Resurrection is the worst movie in the entire franchise.

Remember the final moments of H20?

[YOUTUBE]IH_dSlEAl0A[/YOUTUBE]​

So as I said before, Laurie killed the wrong guy, and as always, Michael survived another close call. Michael finally fulfills his destiny by killing his sister in this film, and eventually SOMEONE had to die. Laurie and Michael are the two most important characters in this franchise, but eventually, one of them has to die. The constant narrow escapes reached the point of overkill, and since Michael is irreplaceable as the main antagonist (they tried to create another villain in Season Of The Witch, Halloween 5 and 6, and it didn’t work out), Laurie had to die.

I don’t have a problem with Laurie’s death in this film. I have a problem with the timing of it. For fuck’s sake, they killed off Laurie in the beginning! With the exception of Halloween 3, 4, 5, and 6, the Halloween film series revolved around Michael trying to kill Laurie. Laurie’s death is the major event, so everything after her demise is just pointless. Imagine Luke decapitating Vader and watching the Emperor’s demise in the first ten minutes of Return Of The Jedi. Or Nolan making the decision to open The Dark Knight Rises with the Batman/Bane fight in front of Gotham’s City Hall. Think about the reaction from wrestling fans, if Rock VS Cena was the opening match at Wrestlemania 28. Michael kills Laurie first, and then they force the audience into watching some shitty paranormal web show storyline (more on that later). Laurie’s death deserved special treatment, Laurie needed the spotlight, and she should’ve received a grand send-off. But no, they just had to kill her character in the beginning. Unbelievable.

Michael is still intimidating and scary, but the rest of the cast is atrocious in this film. Jamie Lee Curtis could’ve helped on the acting side of things, but she doesn’t last long here. The college kids are annoying and stupid characters, and Busta Rhymes really drags this cast into the shitter. He can’t act, and his fight scenes with Michael always leave me speechless, but not for good reasons, though.

[YOUTUBE]GsvvUKgq0ZY[/YOUTUBE]

[YOUTUBE]zpnKDOs582A[/YOUTUBE]​

Michael’s living in secret tunnels beneath his old house? Well, if “secret tunnels” exist beneath Michael’s old house, then why didn’t he use them as a hiding spot in the previous films? The underground tunnels just pop up out of nowhere in Resurrection, and it’s just another prime example of the writers making shit up along the way.

In H20, ignoring the satanic cult bullshit with Dr.Wynn/The Man In Black in Halloween 6 didn’t bother me too much, because the thought of some outside force having control over Michael just kills the mystique for his character. But what happened to Laurie’s son? Remember Josh Hartnett in H20? He portrayed John Tate (or John Strode), Laurie’s teenage son. Michael hunts and kills family members that are apart of his bloodline, and John survived in H20. We’re supposed to forget about Laurie’s son? The primary protagonist’s second child? The continuity problems for the Halloween franchise started with Season Of The Witch in 1982, and the trend of ignoring important details and broken storylines is a major problem for this film series.

Watching Decker guide and protect Sara towards the end is the nail in the coffin for me. Decker is watching the web show on a computer, and Decker sends Sara text message warnings of Michael’s position in the house. The text messages KILL the shock factor for the scares in this film. You can’t expect a surprised reaction, when you constantly post “HE’S AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. RUN!” or “HE’S BEHIND YOU!” (paraphrased examples) as text messages on the screen.

So let’s see. Annoying characters, bad acting, lame deaths (sorry, the beheadings didn’t do anything for me), and they kill off the primary protagonist in the first fourteen minutes of the movie? Yep, Halloween Resurrection is a steaming pile of shit, and it’s the worst film in the Halloween franchise, easily. Yes, Season Of The Witch and Halloween 6/The Curse Of Michael Myers are better, and that’s saying something. The Halloween franchise would receive a reboot five years after the release of this film, and if you’ve ever seen Resurrection, then you’ll understand the need for a fresh start.

Rating: 1/10

 

[i'm a cm punk girl]

That explains a lot. Try watching it with a clear head next time, and I'll be shocked if you can sit through the entire movie.

what do you think of the django unchained trailer?

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

After witnessing his wife, Nikki (Bree Bee) in the shower with another man, Pat (Bradley Cooper) snaps, and he nearly beats Nikki’s lover to death. Diagnosed with a bipolar disorder, Pat serves an eight month court ordered sentence in a mental hospital. Pat develops a friendship with another patient named Danny (Chris Tucker), but Nikki has a restraining order against Pat, and Pat will have to readjust to the real world soon enough. When she arrives to take him home, Pat’s mother, Dolores (Jacki Weaver) has her doubts, but Pat promises change. Pat’s father, Pat, Sr. (Robert De Niro) is a devoted and passionate Eagles’ fan, and he tries to make up for some lost time with Pat.

Delusional and determined to reinvent himself, Pat tries to straighten out his life, but an unhinged widow disrupts Pat’s mission to win back his ex-wife. Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) agrees to deliver Pat’s apology letter to Nikki, but only under two conditions: Pat must train with Tiffany, and become her partner for a dance contest.

I didn’t think he had it in him, but Bradley Cooper delivers a fantastic performance here. Pat is a trainwreck, but you can still root for him. Cooper is usually more successful with full blown comedy characters, and Pat has a quirky sense of humor, but Cooper really nails the emotional and heartbroken side of Pat‘s character. Jennifer Lawrence is spot on as Tiffany. Tiffany is a free spirit, but she’ll fly off the handle in an instant, if someone pushes her too far. De Niro and Weaver are solid in their supporting roles, but Chris Tucker really didn’t add anything to this film, and his character is pretty useless.

Silver Linings Playbook isn’t bad, but I honestly can’t understand the raging hard-ons critics have for this film. Yes, Silver Linings Playbook provides a nice balance of drama and humor. Plus, the delicate and sensitive approach towards the subject of mental illnesses is something to admire. But let’s not kid ourselves here. Silver Linings Playbook isn’t some groundbreaking achievement for the romantic comedy genre. No, it’s barley above average, and you can see every “twist” and “turn” coming from a mile away. Seriously, just watch the trailer, and take a wild guess at happens between Pat and Tiffany at the very end.

Maybe I’m just a grouch, or I’m still waiting for the holiday spirit to hit me, but Silver Linings Playbook didn’t blow me away. Cooper or Lawrence might receive an Oscar nomination, but in a few weeks, I’ll forget about this film, and Silver Linings Playbook won’t have any lasting effects on me.

Rating: 6/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Trouble With The Curve (2012)

Gus Lobel (Clint Eastwood) is a legendary baseball scout, who works for the Atlanta Braves. But Gus’ vision problems and old school mentality might cost him his job. Tom Silver (Matthew Lillard) is the slimy kiss-ass, and he works on the same scout team with Gus. Tom sees an easy opportunity to get rid of Gus, and move up the corporate ladder, but Gus’ long time friend and superior, Pete (John Goodman) comes up with a plan to save Gus’ job.

In an attempt to provide some much needed company and assist him in his scouting duties, Pete urges Gus’ busy daughter, Mickey (Amy Adams) to join him on a scouting trip to North Carolina. Reluctant at first, Mickey eventually agrees to join Gus on the scouting trip, but some old emotional wounds from a troubled childhood could ruin a happy bonding experience. Along the way, Gus and Mickey run into Johnny (Justin Timberlake), a pitcher, who was forced into a scout job for the Red Sox after a career-ending injury. Gus and Johnny share a trusted friendship, and Johnny slowly develops feelings for Mickey.

The rocky relationship between Mickey and Gus becomes more of a problem as the days go by. Plus, Gus’ opinion could have an influence over Johnny, as both men scout a potential number one draft pick (Braves have the #2 pick, Red Sox have #1) named Bo Gentry, a young powerhouse slugger.

Clint Eastwood delivers another entertaining perfromance as the angry codger, and Amy Adams provides the strongest performance from the supporting cast. Although, next to Clint Eastwood, Adams receives the most screen time, and the increased exposure gives her a boost here. Lillard and Goodman could’ve gained the upper hand for the better performances in this film, but Lillard’s character doesn’t receive a significant amount of screen time until the very end, and you’ll only see Goodman every now and then.

But Justin Timberlake doesn’t deserve any credit for the acting. Timberlake can’t act, and as usual, a more talented cast carries him throughout this film. I’ve seen it in other Timberlake films (Amanda Seyfried from In Time, Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher, Jesse Eisneberg and Andrew Garfield in The Social Network, etc.), and I still can’t believe he’s coasting off of his fame for being a singer and the popular guy in N Sync.

Trouble With The Curve will give sports fans an inside-look at the inner workings of an MLB team, but the fantastic chemistry between Amy Adams and Clint Eastwood is the driving force behind this film. The inside info stuff for MLB isn’t that special, because I’ve seen in it other sports films, and if you want to know more, you can always turn on MLB network or ESPN. And more importantly, other sports films (i.e. Moneyball) provided a more thorough and in-depth inside-look for the business side of pro sports.

Trouble With The Curve is an average and formulaic Hollywood sports drama. This film is full of predictable mushy moments, but I really enjoyed the duo of Adams and Eastwood, and without them, Trouble With The Curve could’ve been a lot worse.

Rating: 5/10

 

[Mitch Henessey]

Silent Night (2012)

It’s Christmas Eve, and a murderous Santa Claus is determined to punish everyone on his naughty list. A small town’s annual Christmas Eve parade is a joyous and peaceful tradition, but two local cops must stop Santa’s bloody rampage. Sheriff James Cooper (Malcolm McDowell) and his nervous Deputy, Aubrey (Jamie King) are the last line of defense. Will they be able to save what’s left of Christmas? Or will Santa eliminate each target on his hit list?

Jamie King. She easily delivers the best performance in this film. On the acting side of things, King really carries this film on her back, because Malcolm McDowell’s performance is just atrocious. And yes, McDowell’s performance is a problem, because he receives a significant amount of screen time. McDowell just phones it in here, and to make things worse, his character is an annoying asshole.

Now let’s talk about Santa. He’s a raging lunatic, and more importantly, Santa has an intimidating presence in the remake. Robert Brian Wilson (the Santa in the original) wasn’t intimidating or scary. In fact, he was kind of goofy at times. But 2012 Santa is a cold-blooded killer, and the dark eyes on the mask really pull everything together.

Plus, Santa has a larger arsenal of weapons thins time around. You can see the flamethrower on the box cover, and Santa also uses a stun gun and a poker. And of course, for the sake of nostalgia, Santa will break out the axe every now and then.

The Silent Night remake is more serious than the original. The 1984 original was very campy and cheesy, but Silent Night 2012 is darker. But the fan base for Silent Night, Deadly Night constantly over hypes that film. Let’s be honest, Silent Night, Deadly Night isn’t remembered for being a quality film. The controversy surrounding the 1984 release caused the uproar. Remember, watching Santa murder people crossed too many lines in 1984, and Silent Night, Deadly Night was pulled from theaters. Angry mothers protested, and the critics went out of their way to condemn it. So in the end, the original is remembered for creating unreal amounts of controversy, because quality wise, it’s an average film at best. Hell, take away the Christmas theme, and it’s just another cheesy and over the top slasher from the 80’s.

All in all, Silent Night is a respectable remake, but it’s not good enough to stand out amongst other modern-day slasher flicks, that feature tons of blood and nudity. I enjoyed this film, but horror remakes based on campy 80’s originals share this annoying trend. For some strange reason, the filmmakers try so hard to make a more serious movie. If we distance ourselves from the campy stuff in the original, we’ll make a better film. This seems to be the thought process. But if you’re going to fall into the bin with so many other predictable and ordinary modern-day slashers, then what’s the point of changing?

So yeah, if you’re into Christmas horror, and a psychopathic Santa Claus murderer, then Silent Night is worth watching. There’s a nice cliffhanger at the end, and the cliffhanger sets up a sequel. I would give another set of Silent Night films a chance, but nothing is guaranteed so far. But if it does happen, Jamie King NEEDS to come back. Fuck Malcolm McDowell.

Rating: 6/10