This is gonna be one of those weird, "share too much information on a public forum" kind of posts. Just so everyone knows.
So I recently moved from Chicago to Oregon, for a variety of reasons. Most of them had to do with friends, work, living in a state I didn't hate, etc. But a small part of it is that where I moved from just reminds me too much of my ex. We were best friends for years, then dated through high school, got engaged afterwards, and it fell apart about two years ago now. Most of the feelings and whatnot are gone, but there's still some residual stuff left over. Like when I pass her old church, or house, or go anywhere the two of us went together. Stuff you don't forget about, not because you dated, but because you dated and were best friends for YEARS.
Long story short, I thought it would help to move somewhere I'd never been. Completely escape and start fresh. But 4-5 times every week now, since I've moved, I dream about her. Sometimes it's happy, we get back together, nothing ever happened, etc. Sometimes she dies. You may have noticed that I posted in the forums particularly between 2-7am...it's because I don't sleep. I can't sleep, because if I wake msyelf up from these dreams of her, I fall back asleep into nightmares. So I've been an insomniac for about a month, and I think it's driving me insane. It's making me not think straight, and do things I wouldn't normally do. Like write long rants about how i don't like Tastycles.
Yesterday I sent her a big rant-filled email that was every range of emotion from "I'm probably still in love with you", to "I'm really pissed you started dating one of our mutual best friends", to "I'm sorry I was a shit boyfriend and ruined everything." It was a bad decision, and probably ruined any shot at communication between us in the future.
I'm just hurting a lot at the moment, and it basically comes from not being able to sleep. I thought I buried this whole thing, because it's been 2 years. I've dated other people, fooled around, had "flings" with 18-year-olds, etc. I can't figure out what's causing me to have these dreams/nightmares, and if it doesn't stop I'm going to become too absolutely depressed that I'll never leave the house, and never got off my computer ever again.