It's no secret that I've been critical of Edge in recent months. I'm not going to take any of those criticisms back because he's retiring. In my mind, they're as true today as they were yesterday. And no, this isn't me posturing and showing off how, I dunno, tough I am for not being my usual fickle self.
I will say this - and yes, before you ask, I do have shame and I am embarassed to say so - I cried. I cried. Not full on bawling, crawling into a ball and staying there type crying. It was more just a sort of welling up, followed by a couple of solitary tears rolling down my cheeks. The way men with what can only be described as grotesquely large genitals cry. That's how I cried.
I didn't cry when Ric Flair retired. That was a retirement of an old man that should have done it a long time ago and went out with more pageantry than he deserved, only to not even retire. I didn't cry when Shawn Michaels retired. I had a heavy heart, sure, but Shawn Michaels belonged to a different generation than mine. Only just, by a couple of years, but he did. It was their job to cry for him. I would have cried when Steve Austin retired, only I was as oblivious as everyone else to the fact that that was his last match. Besides, he's been back since then and he's proved that having matches wasn't exactly the entire point of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
So, Edge, congratulations. I called you wooden, when apparently you barely had feeling in your arms. I said you had no chemistry with your opponents, when apparently you were just getting through the pain enough to finish matches. I feel guilty about that. But you, you blonde Canadian motherfucker, did something much worse to me. You made me cry.
You went through your speech and I remembered along with you. I remembered starting watching wrestling, what seems an eternity ago, in 1997. I remember the guy with the oddly cool theme music with the ridiculously long hair and the ridiculously short trench coat that came in through the crowd. I remember the guy that put on a dumb dress shirt so he'd match with Gangrel and some guy that was apparently his "brother." I remember him and his brother feuding with two guys who'd been dubbed "The New Brood."
I remember this guy and his brother going on to redefine how to choreograph a ladder match. I remember them cutting righteous promos and the 5 second poses. I remember fat Elvis and really fat Elvis. I remember that guy and his brother falling out over trophies and title belts. I definitely remember "Christ-ian! Christ-ian! At last! You're on your oo-oo-oown!"
I remember the guy that was the most underrated midcarder in the entire company; the guy who I thought should be world champion. The guy who was above being tag team champions with Hulk Hogan. The guy, my brother said, that would be the future of the company... along with Test. The guy who was putting on enough great matches that they'd eventually validate the purchase of a 3-disc DVD boxset.
I remember the guy that won Money in the Bank and shocked the world by taking away John Cena's WWE Title. I remember the guy that I would hail as the "anti-Cena." I remember the guy that would go on to win ten more world titles in increasingly dubious fashion.
I remember the guy that I called overrated. I remember the guy that I said had no chemistry with his opponents. I remember the guy who I said had the worst Hell in a Cell match in history. I remember the guy that I didn't appreciate as much as Alberto fuckin' Del Rio.
Now, I remember the guy that's been there for pretty much the entirety of my tenure as a wrestling fan. The guy who was in a different capacity every other year. The guy who I thought who would never amount to anything, the guy who should be world champion, the guy that should never have been world champion.
I was never your biggest fan, Edge. I never read your book. I don't know you as a person. But I've been there for your entire career and you've been the most enduring fixture on my television screen for the entire fourteen years I've been a wrestling fan. And I never thought I'd miss you as much as I will.
Author's Note: If this turns out to be a work of some kind, this entire post was an insincere, sarcastic and frankly cruel work of satire and not a grown man trying to come to terms with bursting into tears over a television program. The fact that I've presumably boycotted all WWE programming is a simple coincidence.