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doesn't know REAL wrestling...
As this will prove, I have had a lot of time to think about my surroundings. 4500 miles in three weeks across deserts will do that. Maybe I should have bashed out a chapter or two of my book instead of not looking near it or even thinking about it. What is it even about again? Who cares?
This will also likely come across as inherently negative and sarcastic but let's face it I am an inherently negative person and sarcasm is just one of my many talents but I wish to make it known that I love North America. There are certain parts of it that I would migrate to tomorrow if possible. Hell, if the continent had some proper ancient history I might live there already.
But why Barbosa (some of you might say Barbie which I am okay with despite the little girl's action figure/doll connotations), why focus more on the negatives after such a great trip? Simple. It is easier to be negative and will make for more stimulating reading than me fawning over Sequoia Sequoia, hazy sunsets and wildlife.
San Francisco, CA - Fort Bragg, CA - Crescent City, CA - Portland, OR - Seattle, WA - Vancouver, BC - Kamloops, BC - Jasper, AB - Canmore, AB - Whitefish, MT - Missoula, MT - Big Sky, MT - Jackson, WY - Salt Lake City, UT - Elko, NV - Truckee, CA - San Francisco, CA
That is the trek I embarked on. I haven't provided a map because most of you young whippersnappers are devoid of natural curiosity and would not look at it.
The Pacific coastline disappointed me somewhat. Mainly because it looked exactly the same as where I live - dominated by greenery and coastline, except with better weather. The stereotype about Oregon being covered in trees is 100% true. It did not stop me standing in the sea listening to some music. Maybe I thought that with the world's biggest ocean lapping the shores, the views, rock formations and beaches might have been a bit more spectacular than the north coast of Norn Iron.
However, I was pleasantly surprised by the major cities of the west. Normally, I hate Big Smokes but San Francisco, Seattle and Vancouver were a different breed of urbanity. Aside from the tourist attractions, I felt like I could actually have lived in any of them and not had the overwhelming urge to go on a killing spree in the first few weeks.
Made a brief sojourn to Aberdeen, Washington with Final Countdown playing as I entered the city limits. *insert comment about Sam's jealousy here* Strangely there was no statue erected to Smackdown's Mr MitB...
Predictably, the weather got hotter as I moved east but never
did it reach truly oppressive levels like that on the east coast and that I am thankful for.
Drove on a road in Glacier national park that had only been cleared of snow a week previous. Unfortunately, the snow had washed away a lot of the road and the mist was a true Victorian London pea-souper. Driving at 7000+ feet in those conditions was a bit disconcerting.
An old lady in Wyoming asked where in California I was from (due to the number plate on my rental car) and when I said that I was from Northern Ireland she must have thought I said Northern California as she replied "we are from further south, near San Diego." Pretty certain my accent does not sound like I am from Mendocino county.
Speaking of NorCal, with all the roads I travelled and maps I studied of the west coast, coupled with where the Mighty One suggested to me where he was from, I would get a bit of a chuckle if he was from the town of Weed, CA.
Saved three ducklings from being boiled in a hot tub in Big Sky, Montana and returned them to their mother. Maybe those Montanans were trying a new type of cooking?
Perhaps the positive karma I received from this good deed served me well the next day in Yellowstone when I nearly got a little too close to a bull bison (that's the correct name for what the uneducated call a buffalo - there are no buffalo in America). Got out of the car to watch him swim across the Yellowstone river but lost sight of him as he came ashore into some trees. Then I did something mildly cretinous. Instead of being attentive, I stood around admiring the scenery only to find that all of a sudden the beast that only seconds before had been about 500m away was now emerging from the trees about 20 yards from me (terrible transition from metric to Imperial measures there). Luckily for me and you all, the bison did not give one solitary shit about me and just strolled across the road minding his own business. Maybe if he had known that later that night I was going to sample the tenderloin of one of his fellow bison, cooked medium-rare with garlic mash, seasonal vegetables and tobacco onions he might have reacted differently...
Accepting free drinks from the barmaid sister of a friend in Salt Lake City can have interesting consequences, particularly when she decides to "test your Irishness" by making a cocktail with 7 shots in it (that's 5 Irish measures). I should have been somewhat wary when she asked me when was the last time I had eaten before giving me the drink but I passed the test by not only finishing it but then immediately ordering another and dispatching it too.
Also had a beer with a Canadian lacrosse team in Kamloops (great name) but they were more interested in talking about Irish golfers as it was a couple of days after Darren Clarke lifted the Claret Jug at Sandwich. Strangely, it was not Big D or Rory they were interested in rather Graeme MacDowell, who they were excited to hear lives 10 miles from me (although Clarke now does too). Maybe it is Graeme's bastardised American-Norn Irish accent that endears him to them?
For WZCW and Coco in particular, I was very tempted to take a detour to Medicine Hat but it was a bit too far. Strange that I thought of doing that before the much shorter detour to Calgary and Hart family territory... Who am I kidding? It's not strange. Kravinoff is just that good!
Meeting my best friend for a beer and a steak in San Francisco was a great piece of holiday/work conference timing
Fellow tourists
There were of course the stereotypical American tourists who give the rest of their compatriots a bad name - brash, rude, loud idiots who think that they can do anything they please because "I'm a murkin." I actually saw one reach to put his hand into a spring to see how hot it was... despite me telling him that it was boiling and possibly corrosive. Maybe America goes to war every generation in an attempt to cleanse the likes of these morons from their gene pool.
However, such potential cannon fodder are far, far from the norm. Most Americans are extremely polite, make for good conversation and can be the nicest people I have ever met.
However, many Americans, particularly those working in restaurants and shops take this jovial politeness to the extreme. Perhaps it is a directive from a management or even corporate level but at times I find it so disingenuous that it comes full circle back to a different variety of rudeness. When I am browsing in a shop I want to be left alone to actually browse, not be asked six times if I need any help.
I understand that in restaurants this springs from the culture of tipping but that is another thing that I do not like. Even the arguments that many are working for tips does nothing to sway me - as I said to a guy I was speaking to in a bar, conforming to the tipping culture perpetuates what is a broken system. No one should have to depend on a couple of dollars to meet the most basic standard of living. The minimum wage is there for a reason and employers should be forced to comply with it and if the minimum wage is not enough then it needs to be raised.
Challenging the brash American for rudest tourists (I did not meet any French Canadians this time so that title was up for grabs) were, rather surprisingly, the Japanese. The amount of queue jumping, pushing in and general ignorance (no, not the kind that Stephen Fry, Alan Davis and co. partake in for comic effect) was simply stagger at times. What made it even more surprising was that for a people from a country so driven by respect and honour, they seemed so completely oblivious to their own disrespect.
Also, at the risk of sounding a little racist, does any one person look more lost than an Asian woman on holiday in the western world? They mix the look of a deer in the headlights with fart in a trance to terrifying results.
German tourists were also an eclectic and numerous group. They could be as rude and disrespectful as the worst American or Japanese but as polite, courteous and inquisitive as anyone.
Probably the most humble of all of the tourists I met this time were the Canadians and the Hispanics/Latinos/Mexican Americans... although for the latter that changed somewhat after dark. At night, when the Germans and Japanese had gone to bed after a long day of pushing passed others, I found the Latinos to be by far the noisiest. Slamming doors, screaming at the top of their voices etc. Cannot hold their liquor it seems.
I hate taking photos and not just ones with me in them. Honestly, who wants to see a picture of Old Faithful with my big mug dominating much of the picture? However, most tourists do not follow this train of thought. The number of awful posed photos with big fake smiles I saw being taken was mind-boggling. Worse still was the number of completely pointless photos being taken. I understand the want to take a few pics of pretty scenery, strange animals and famous landmarks - I did so myself - but do you really need a picture of nondescript grass, trees, water and flowers? Do you really not have those things at home? (the Japanese were particularly bad at this)
Do not think that I am not self-critical. I am sure that some of the people I met found me to be standoffish, aloof even to the point of being an asshole all because I do not partake in inane chatter about nothing beyond the necessary courtesies. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem talking to people so long as the conversation is not centred solely around the weather or my Irishness.
Random Notes
I love American breakfasts. Not quite as good as the unbeatable Ulster Fry but egg, bacon, sausage, pancake, toast, tea and OJ is pretty dang good.
I find it amusing that every little hole in the ground town or village no bigger than my back garden calls itself a city...
Automatic cars are shite
18 different hotels and 18 different coffee makers and I don't drink coffee. Tea is as useless as ever across North America.
Virtually every western American has a ridiculously big car/truck that they do not use for purpose. Just what are they over-compensating for? Actually, the number of smaller, European and Japanese cars has visibly increased in the last few years. Still there are so many that seem to think that they need a 12 litre monster truck that does 400 metres to the gallon to do the school run.
Speaking of which, according to one TV ad, 40 mpg is seen as extremely impressive. Really? We have cars at home that do 80...
As many times as I have experienced it, the frequency of commercial breaks can make North American TV almost unwatchable at times.
There are few nicer experiences than sitting out in a national park with a picnic lunch and a beer
Everyone has a propensity for butchering the Queen's English but Americans do it in a strange way. I don't mind slang and I can look past the incredible disappearing "u" from "colour" and the second "i" from "aluminium" as historical typos but what kind of word is "winningest"? Truly awful.
Who knew you could get sunburnt when it is overcast? Sheamus and JGlass must need to be really careful.
Men Who Stare At Goats became my 500th DVD. Some good bargains too although the best was probably Transsiberian for $2. Wrestling wise, I got Kane's DVD, Monday Night Wars and Best Wrestlers of the 90s for the colossal total of $20. I also bought my first wrestling figure in about a decade. I mean who could turn down Kurt Angle (or is it Dr Steven Kurtsey) for $2.46? And yes, it is a TNA figure
Seeing a prison located in Independence Valley was some delicious irony while Deeth Starr Valley awakened the nerd in me. There were plenty of other great place names but they escape me at present.
As well as my own music, I listened to more BBC Radio 1 in those three weeks than I have in my entire life because American radio for all of it's diversity is scandalously repetitive. Each music station seemed to have a playlist of about 20 songs and don't get me started on the sports stations... The same baseball or NFL story on repeat for hours... It makes Sky Sports News look unique in it's diversity.
On the other hand, listening to those stations have proved to me that without Lady Gaga and Katy Perry pop would be dead.
I have still yet to meet a Canadian I disliked (the Québécois don't count). Who knew that the cultural bastard child of Britain and America could turn out so well-adjusted?
Sleeveless t-shirts might be useful in the oppressive heat of the deserts of Nevada but that does not mean that they do not make you look any less of a ********.
The bass system in my car's (a Dodge Avenge affectionately known as NEV) sound system was wrecked. The normal setting nearly shook the dashboard apart and low was not much better so for the duration bass had to be completely turned off. Jack White would be so proud.
Tumbleweed does exist and it does blow across busy highways and interstates
The existence of a gas station called "Town Pump" made me laugh every time I drove passed one
The reverse motortricycle might be the best/worst thing ever
Whilst shopping in Ralph's all I could think about was looking for their brand of coffee (which has been established that I don't drink) to see what size Donnie's receptacle was
Having to pay for inflight entertainment on a 5 hour journey? Ridiculous
This will also likely come across as inherently negative and sarcastic but let's face it I am an inherently negative person and sarcasm is just one of my many talents but I wish to make it known that I love North America. There are certain parts of it that I would migrate to tomorrow if possible. Hell, if the continent had some proper ancient history I might live there already.
But why Barbosa (some of you might say Barbie which I am okay with despite the little girl's action figure/doll connotations), why focus more on the negatives after such a great trip? Simple. It is easier to be negative and will make for more stimulating reading than me fawning over Sequoia Sequoia, hazy sunsets and wildlife.
San Francisco, CA - Fort Bragg, CA - Crescent City, CA - Portland, OR - Seattle, WA - Vancouver, BC - Kamloops, BC - Jasper, AB - Canmore, AB - Whitefish, MT - Missoula, MT - Big Sky, MT - Jackson, WY - Salt Lake City, UT - Elko, NV - Truckee, CA - San Francisco, CA
That is the trek I embarked on. I haven't provided a map because most of you young whippersnappers are devoid of natural curiosity and would not look at it.
The Pacific coastline disappointed me somewhat. Mainly because it looked exactly the same as where I live - dominated by greenery and coastline, except with better weather. The stereotype about Oregon being covered in trees is 100% true. It did not stop me standing in the sea listening to some music. Maybe I thought that with the world's biggest ocean lapping the shores, the views, rock formations and beaches might have been a bit more spectacular than the north coast of Norn Iron.
However, I was pleasantly surprised by the major cities of the west. Normally, I hate Big Smokes but San Francisco, Seattle and Vancouver were a different breed of urbanity. Aside from the tourist attractions, I felt like I could actually have lived in any of them and not had the overwhelming urge to go on a killing spree in the first few weeks.
Made a brief sojourn to Aberdeen, Washington with Final Countdown playing as I entered the city limits. *insert comment about Sam's jealousy here* Strangely there was no statue erected to Smackdown's Mr MitB...
Predictably, the weather got hotter as I moved east but never
did it reach truly oppressive levels like that on the east coast and that I am thankful for.
Drove on a road in Glacier national park that had only been cleared of snow a week previous. Unfortunately, the snow had washed away a lot of the road and the mist was a true Victorian London pea-souper. Driving at 7000+ feet in those conditions was a bit disconcerting.
An old lady in Wyoming asked where in California I was from (due to the number plate on my rental car) and when I said that I was from Northern Ireland she must have thought I said Northern California as she replied "we are from further south, near San Diego." Pretty certain my accent does not sound like I am from Mendocino county.
Speaking of NorCal, with all the roads I travelled and maps I studied of the west coast, coupled with where the Mighty One suggested to me where he was from, I would get a bit of a chuckle if he was from the town of Weed, CA.
Saved three ducklings from being boiled in a hot tub in Big Sky, Montana and returned them to their mother. Maybe those Montanans were trying a new type of cooking?
Perhaps the positive karma I received from this good deed served me well the next day in Yellowstone when I nearly got a little too close to a bull bison (that's the correct name for what the uneducated call a buffalo - there are no buffalo in America). Got out of the car to watch him swim across the Yellowstone river but lost sight of him as he came ashore into some trees. Then I did something mildly cretinous. Instead of being attentive, I stood around admiring the scenery only to find that all of a sudden the beast that only seconds before had been about 500m away was now emerging from the trees about 20 yards from me (terrible transition from metric to Imperial measures there). Luckily for me and you all, the bison did not give one solitary shit about me and just strolled across the road minding his own business. Maybe if he had known that later that night I was going to sample the tenderloin of one of his fellow bison, cooked medium-rare with garlic mash, seasonal vegetables and tobacco onions he might have reacted differently...
Accepting free drinks from the barmaid sister of a friend in Salt Lake City can have interesting consequences, particularly when she decides to "test your Irishness" by making a cocktail with 7 shots in it (that's 5 Irish measures). I should have been somewhat wary when she asked me when was the last time I had eaten before giving me the drink but I passed the test by not only finishing it but then immediately ordering another and dispatching it too.
Also had a beer with a Canadian lacrosse team in Kamloops (great name) but they were more interested in talking about Irish golfers as it was a couple of days after Darren Clarke lifted the Claret Jug at Sandwich. Strangely, it was not Big D or Rory they were interested in rather Graeme MacDowell, who they were excited to hear lives 10 miles from me (although Clarke now does too). Maybe it is Graeme's bastardised American-Norn Irish accent that endears him to them?
For WZCW and Coco in particular, I was very tempted to take a detour to Medicine Hat but it was a bit too far. Strange that I thought of doing that before the much shorter detour to Calgary and Hart family territory... Who am I kidding? It's not strange. Kravinoff is just that good!
Meeting my best friend for a beer and a steak in San Francisco was a great piece of holiday/work conference timing
Fellow tourists
There were of course the stereotypical American tourists who give the rest of their compatriots a bad name - brash, rude, loud idiots who think that they can do anything they please because "I'm a murkin." I actually saw one reach to put his hand into a spring to see how hot it was... despite me telling him that it was boiling and possibly corrosive. Maybe America goes to war every generation in an attempt to cleanse the likes of these morons from their gene pool.
However, such potential cannon fodder are far, far from the norm. Most Americans are extremely polite, make for good conversation and can be the nicest people I have ever met.
However, many Americans, particularly those working in restaurants and shops take this jovial politeness to the extreme. Perhaps it is a directive from a management or even corporate level but at times I find it so disingenuous that it comes full circle back to a different variety of rudeness. When I am browsing in a shop I want to be left alone to actually browse, not be asked six times if I need any help.
I understand that in restaurants this springs from the culture of tipping but that is another thing that I do not like. Even the arguments that many are working for tips does nothing to sway me - as I said to a guy I was speaking to in a bar, conforming to the tipping culture perpetuates what is a broken system. No one should have to depend on a couple of dollars to meet the most basic standard of living. The minimum wage is there for a reason and employers should be forced to comply with it and if the minimum wage is not enough then it needs to be raised.
Challenging the brash American for rudest tourists (I did not meet any French Canadians this time so that title was up for grabs) were, rather surprisingly, the Japanese. The amount of queue jumping, pushing in and general ignorance (no, not the kind that Stephen Fry, Alan Davis and co. partake in for comic effect) was simply stagger at times. What made it even more surprising was that for a people from a country so driven by respect and honour, they seemed so completely oblivious to their own disrespect.
Also, at the risk of sounding a little racist, does any one person look more lost than an Asian woman on holiday in the western world? They mix the look of a deer in the headlights with fart in a trance to terrifying results.
German tourists were also an eclectic and numerous group. They could be as rude and disrespectful as the worst American or Japanese but as polite, courteous and inquisitive as anyone.
Probably the most humble of all of the tourists I met this time were the Canadians and the Hispanics/Latinos/Mexican Americans... although for the latter that changed somewhat after dark. At night, when the Germans and Japanese had gone to bed after a long day of pushing passed others, I found the Latinos to be by far the noisiest. Slamming doors, screaming at the top of their voices etc. Cannot hold their liquor it seems.
I hate taking photos and not just ones with me in them. Honestly, who wants to see a picture of Old Faithful with my big mug dominating much of the picture? However, most tourists do not follow this train of thought. The number of awful posed photos with big fake smiles I saw being taken was mind-boggling. Worse still was the number of completely pointless photos being taken. I understand the want to take a few pics of pretty scenery, strange animals and famous landmarks - I did so myself - but do you really need a picture of nondescript grass, trees, water and flowers? Do you really not have those things at home? (the Japanese were particularly bad at this)
Do not think that I am not self-critical. I am sure that some of the people I met found me to be standoffish, aloof even to the point of being an asshole all because I do not partake in inane chatter about nothing beyond the necessary courtesies. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem talking to people so long as the conversation is not centred solely around the weather or my Irishness.
Random Notes
I love American breakfasts. Not quite as good as the unbeatable Ulster Fry but egg, bacon, sausage, pancake, toast, tea and OJ is pretty dang good.
I find it amusing that every little hole in the ground town or village no bigger than my back garden calls itself a city...
Automatic cars are shite
18 different hotels and 18 different coffee makers and I don't drink coffee. Tea is as useless as ever across North America.
Virtually every western American has a ridiculously big car/truck that they do not use for purpose. Just what are they over-compensating for? Actually, the number of smaller, European and Japanese cars has visibly increased in the last few years. Still there are so many that seem to think that they need a 12 litre monster truck that does 400 metres to the gallon to do the school run.
Speaking of which, according to one TV ad, 40 mpg is seen as extremely impressive. Really? We have cars at home that do 80...
As many times as I have experienced it, the frequency of commercial breaks can make North American TV almost unwatchable at times.
There are few nicer experiences than sitting out in a national park with a picnic lunch and a beer
Everyone has a propensity for butchering the Queen's English but Americans do it in a strange way. I don't mind slang and I can look past the incredible disappearing "u" from "colour" and the second "i" from "aluminium" as historical typos but what kind of word is "winningest"? Truly awful.
Who knew you could get sunburnt when it is overcast? Sheamus and JGlass must need to be really careful.
Men Who Stare At Goats became my 500th DVD. Some good bargains too although the best was probably Transsiberian for $2. Wrestling wise, I got Kane's DVD, Monday Night Wars and Best Wrestlers of the 90s for the colossal total of $20. I also bought my first wrestling figure in about a decade. I mean who could turn down Kurt Angle (or is it Dr Steven Kurtsey) for $2.46? And yes, it is a TNA figure
Seeing a prison located in Independence Valley was some delicious irony while Deeth Starr Valley awakened the nerd in me. There were plenty of other great place names but they escape me at present.
As well as my own music, I listened to more BBC Radio 1 in those three weeks than I have in my entire life because American radio for all of it's diversity is scandalously repetitive. Each music station seemed to have a playlist of about 20 songs and don't get me started on the sports stations... The same baseball or NFL story on repeat for hours... It makes Sky Sports News look unique in it's diversity.
On the other hand, listening to those stations have proved to me that without Lady Gaga and Katy Perry pop would be dead.
I have still yet to meet a Canadian I disliked (the Québécois don't count). Who knew that the cultural bastard child of Britain and America could turn out so well-adjusted?
Sleeveless t-shirts might be useful in the oppressive heat of the deserts of Nevada but that does not mean that they do not make you look any less of a ********.
The bass system in my car's (a Dodge Avenge affectionately known as NEV) sound system was wrecked. The normal setting nearly shook the dashboard apart and low was not much better so for the duration bass had to be completely turned off. Jack White would be so proud.
Tumbleweed does exist and it does blow across busy highways and interstates
The existence of a gas station called "Town Pump" made me laugh every time I drove passed one
The reverse motortricycle might be the best/worst thing ever
Whilst shopping in Ralph's all I could think about was looking for their brand of coffee (which has been established that I don't drink) to see what size Donnie's receptacle was
Having to pay for inflight entertainment on a 5 hour journey? Ridiculous
