You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hello bitch!
Stranger: I just wanted to say...
Stranger: That I am going to tittyfuck you
Stranger: until your nipples explode
Stranger: I hope you don´t mind
You: That sounds rather uncomfortable.
You: But whatever. Lay it on me.
Stranger: not for me! ;D
You: HAH. I bet not.
Stranger: cool ^^
You: It's not rape if you yell "SURPRISE!"
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: you just consented
You: ;D
Stranger: so it´s not a rape at all
Stranger: now we only have the age problem left...
You: Ah yes. The age problem.
You: I'm 48234 years old. I was frozen when I was 18.
Stranger: And the legal regulations of your country, of course
Stranger: You sound like some kind of gay and sparkling vampire
You: Oh of course. I am in Howondaland.
You: Fuck edeward
You: FUCK EDWARD
Stranger: xD
You: I'm going to sodomize him wit a cactus.
Stranger: that sounds cool!
Stranger: Can I help you?
You: Absolutely!
You: Youll have to get your own cactus, though.
Stranger: cool! I can´t wait to do this!
Stranger: =(
Stranger: I don´t own a cactus
You: Oh, don't make that face...
You: FINE, I'll let you share mine.
Stranger: can I just heat an iron crowbar until it´s red and use it instead?
You: Yes, that will work even better.
Stranger: And then you can use it and I use your cactus?
You: Yep! We can do tradeoffs
Stranger: Cool1
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: that´s great!
You: Hooray!!
Stranger: on the other hand...
Stranger: Maybe we should specialize on handling one tool per person
You: Yeah. That's probably for the best.
Stranger: Adam Smith said this would make us work more efficiently
Stranger: and after all, I want him to suffer!
You: Indeed. We must be as efficient as painful as possible.
Stranger: COOL
Stranger: anyway.... How come you are that old?
You: Meet me behind the shed and we'll carry out our plan. The password is "swordfish".
You: Oh, I was frozen when I was 18
Stranger: swordfih. Got it
Stranger: *swordfish
You: And it kept me alive until some scientists found me and broke me out of the ice.
Stranger: Oh
Stranger: you must be...
Stranger: Don´t take this bad...
Stranger: But I guess you are kinda small
Stranger: and hairy
Stranger: and don´t even know how to articulate sopken words?
Stranger: *spoken
You: Actually, no. I come from the hyperadvanced civilization of Jioku.
Stranger: Jioku. Which existed in the past.
Stranger: Like cavemen.
You: We are modern humans existing all those years ago due to an accident with a washcloth and the Devolution ray from the Super Mario Bros. movie.
Stranger: wow
Stranger: what happened?
Stranger: And are the Mario Bros. THAT old?
Stranger: They still jump like champs!
You: No, but the ancient parallel universe it is set in is.
Stranger: You are...
Stranger: confusing
Stranger: at the very least
You: Your human mind cannot comprehend the magnitude of this discovery
Stranger: and now you are even offensive... In a kinda funny way
You: You pass out and awake in a midatlantic city with some catnip and a headless Barbie doll.
Stranger: So?
Stranger: What am I supposed to do with it?
You: Obvious exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and DENNIS
Stranger: Errrr...
Stranger: I want to go into whatever direction the Ecuator is
You: You decide to go NORTH. As soon as you step into the street, you are run over by a cement mixer. You dead.
Stranger: no way.
Stranger: I can´t die.
You: GAME OVER. Press "R" to try again.
Stranger: not like that.
Stranger: R
Stranger: I go SOUTH
You: You decide to go SOUTH.
You are now in a central city plaza. A band is playing on the stage. A man is selling t-shirts in a stand. Obvious exits are NORTH and EAST.
What Will You Do?
Stranger: well... I came from the north
Stranger: so east
Stranger: BUt might I ask in which city I am?
Stranger: And who´s playing? Because I might want to stay to listen for a while... xD
You: You decide to go EAST.
You are now in a bustling high street. Shops and buildings line the sides, including a LIBRARY, SHOE SHOP, and PUBLIC TOILET.
What Will You Do?
You: PWD: You re in THE CITY - HIGH STREET
Stranger: I.... Go into the public toilet. I need to use it.
Stranger: I have been asleep for a long time, after all
You: You are now in THE PUBLIC TOILET
You: WEST leads to the Men's toilets. EAST leads to the ladies'
You: What will you do?
Stranger: I go EAST
Stranger: like the rapist I am xD
You: You are now in THE LADIES' TOILETS. All stalls are occupied.
What Will You Do?
Stranger: I pee against a wall. After finishing, I randomly kick in one of the stall´s doors
You: The stall door pops open. An attractive woman is sitting on the toilet. She screams.
You gain FORTY-TWO health points. You exit the bathroom.
Stranger: cool ^^
You: You are in THE HIGH STREET once again. Obvious exits are NORTH and SOUTH. Shops line the street.
What Will You Do?
Stranger: I check how much cash I have in my pocket.
You: You have $62.49.
Stranger: I go into one of the shops, I want to buy a baseball bat
You: You enter the sports store.
"Welcome to Dick's Sporting Goods!" a shopkeeper says. "We have bats and balls. How can I help you?"
Stranger: I tell him I want a bat and a ball and show him my money.
You: The shopkeeper gives you a baseball bat and a baseball. You have $49.23 left.
Stranger: I go back to HIGH STREET and go SOUTH
You: You find yourself in the parking lot of a large STADIUM. Stragglers walk around the lot. Obvious exits are NORTH and WEST
Stranger: I talk to one of the stragglers, and ask him where I am
You: "Hi," says the straggler. "This is Destroy Stadium, home of the Santa Destroy Warriors."
Stranger: I don´t like how this sounds. I politely say goodbye to him and go WEST
You: You are in front of a BAR. A mobster is threatening a young girl in the corner.
Stranger: I go closer, and redundantly ask if everything is OK
You: "What do it look like, stupid?" asks the mobster. "Get outta my sight before I murder you in the face!"
Stranger: I use my baseball to politely crush his skull into a red, slimy stain
You: "Oh thank you," says the girl. "My dad is really rich and that horrible man wanted to steal my money!"
You: "Would you like to meet my father?"
Stranger: errr... I say YES
You: She takes you to a large mansion on a hill. As you enter, you notice a team of maids cleaning the floor. You follow the girl to the living room, where an old man is sitting in an arm chair.
Stranger: I say "hi!" with a big smile on my lips
You: "Who is this?" the old man asks.
"This is the person who saved me, Daddy!" the girl replies.
STATE YOUR NAME
Stranger: Adrian
You: "This is Adrian"
You: "Well it is a pleasure to meet you, Adrian," the man says. "They call me Million Gunman."
Stranger: "Why do they call you like that?"
You: "I am worth millions. I own the largest bank in California, the Santa Destroy Bank. And my weapon of choice is..."
He reaches into his pocket and withdraws a solid gold revolver.
"...This."
Stranger: "wow, careful about where you point that. Anyway, what does a banker like you need a gun for?"
You: "I am always in fear for my life. I
You: I'm sure you saw the man threatening my daughter. We must deal with people like that every day."
Stranger: " I see. And yes, I saw the man threatining your daughter, and I did a fairly good job mantaining her safe. She shouldn´t be going around there alone tho. YOu don´t need a new security worker/bodyguard, don´t you? "
You: "As a matter of fact, I do."
Stranger: "Hm... As I said, I didn´t do a bad job..."
Stranger: "Would you be willing to employ me?"
You: The daughter looks at her father with beseeching eyes until he finally relents.
You: "Yes. Welcome aboard, Aerian."
You: *Adrian
Stranger:
Stranger: "Great. You will not regret your choice. What now?"
You: You spend the rest of your life working for Million Gunman and his daughter. You are rich, able to buy anything you need, and have the highest quality of life possible. When Gunman dies, he leaves the majority of the wealth to you and his daughter. It is a pleasant existence.
GAME OVER -- YOU WIN!
