The John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks

[The Bearded One]

Ahhh, the good ol' Shockmaster, a tub of tub of fat and fail. I was still a wee little lad when this guy debuted, so I don't remember him, but I've seen the youtube clip 1,000 times and it still makes me laugh. Right when he tripped, the WCW people should have scrapped the gimmick and gave the guy a different run if they were so desperate to give him something to do. Nobody would have known who was the bedazzled storm trooper, so his career could have went on. They could have also just turned it into a comedy gimmick, but I guess they couldn't admit their failure. Even if all did go well during that segment, The Shockmaster most likely wouldn't have amounted to anything at all anyways.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, friends and spammers, as we open up our doors once more to you and the public. I welcome you loyal patrons to the rarely attempted, easily duplicated John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. And while normally I do a little rant here, with a few disturbing images thrown in, and point out this is what happens when promoters go crazy with power, today I promise to not do such a thing. As you can probably tell, I have been gone for a good portion of the weekend, and in my stead, SavageTaker took over, and did so in phenomenal fashion. I feel comfortable in saying that, should I ever need to step down from the JTMFTG, Savage will be there to take my place, and to make it into a possibly even better thing. I’ve done my fair share of praising savage’s work here, but his Shockmaster post may have been better than any of the inductions I’ve made, and I’m not joking. Anyway, this weekend, I was not here, as my mother had fallen critically ill, and I made the drive from Boston to Atlanta to be with her. Naturally, as much as I adore the JTMFTG, and love posting new faces every day into this place, I needed to be home for this weekend, and my focused was needed to make my mother better. She is still bed ridden, and admittedly, I feel as though I should skip my summer course to be with her. Anyway, that’s my personal life, in which quite frankly doesn’t apply to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Just felt a need to apologize to the great patrons of this wonderful place, and hope that you will stop by some more to watch the great things that are going on here. I’ll be here every day again, with a new induction into this place, until I note that I will have to miss a day for more personal matters. Thank you all for coming back, once again, to the JTMFTG.

And today, we’re going to take this one in a very different direction. Sure, this entry was just as bad as any entry you’ll see in this entire Memorial. However, the man I’m about to induct has a special type of bond to me, the likes of which I struggle to describe. It wasn’t the man himself, though I have heard that he was actually a gentle giant, and a very nice man outside of the ring. He was an Irish man, though he was hailed as from Scotland, to fit his character. And at one point, he was an extremely famous British wrestler. He, like The Dungeon of Doom and Tony Atlas, was saddled with a horrendous gimmick. However, this man is also vicariously responsible for my Dad and I having many wrestling matches as I was a kid, and us watching pro wrestling when I was a little lad. Simply put, this guy had a hand in me and my dad being as close as a child. My dad passed away eleven years ago, and admittedly, it’s hard for me to think of how my life has been without him. The man was a superman wrapped in a good portion of weight, and admittedly, that would wind up being his downfall. However, my Dad, to me, was always the greatest man. He would even joke about his weight a bit, as in our wrestling matches, he would portray the man being inducted right now, as of course I had to be Hulk Hogan. That is why, today, this version of the JTMFTG is going to be just a little different. It will be shorter, as I won’t try to throw in any funny clips, or quips and jokes and shit. There won’t be any of that fluff and filler that some of you may have gotten accustomed to while reading about these exhibits.

Well, ok, maybe just one filler video.

[youtube]y8Kyi0WNg40[/youtube]

Sigh…. I tell you, even with how melancholy I’m prepared to get typing this, that video never fails to cheer me up. That gopher is epic, I tell you. I almost want one for myself, even though I’m sure it’d get eaten at some point by a dog or something.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. This may get a little sappy, and I may get a bit lovey dovey as I go through today’s induction. Please, bear with me, as I promise to add the facts, along with the sentimental stuff. And with that in mind, it’s time to begin today’s induction, as we examine all that was

Loch Ness

What Was It: Before we do this, again, let’s take a quick look at the man that portrayed this character, in Martin Ruane. And admittedly, someone like Lee could probably give you more detail on him, as… Well, he’s British and stuff. I mean, I never saw an actual Giant Haystacks match myself, which was the character he played before he came to the WCW. Yes, Giant Haystacks was a play on Haystacks Calhoun, a wrestler that, to my knowledge, remains the most massive wrestler in the history of professional wrestling. However, I’m praying someone like Lee or Scotsman Dave can come into the exhibit today, as I have seen no matches with Ruane as Haystacks, and unfortunately, the man died in 1998 due to cancer. I am aware, however, that he did have a feud with the legendary Big Daddy. Anyone that knows international wrestling knows the name Big Daddy. I don’t want to try and God the guy up too much, but he was the equivalency of Hulk Hogan for British Wrestling. Yes, Hogan was actually a bigger name in Britain probably, but Big Daddy was absolutely adored by the fans, even though he didn’t have much to go about in the ring. The presentation of Big Daddy was amazing, to my understanding, and it’s a shame the man never got a tour of The United States himself. Anyway, Haystacks was apparently the biggest opponent of Daddy, and the two had an epic feud in professional wrestling. Right now, I’m going to include a bonus match for you, that I admit I’ve never seen myself. This should be a treat for one and all, as it is a pretty big match between the two. With that, I now take you to Big Daddy VS. Giant Haystacks, in a last man standing match, more or less.

[youtube]0DSro4l_0cE[/youtube]

Wasn’t too much of a match, I suppose, but given the girth of the two men, that was not half bad, at all. I mean, it was all you could expect, and it left the fans pretty happy. But yeah, that was the gist of their feud. Lee, I’m not sure if you’ll ever try this, as you’re in your wrestling family thread, but perhaps one time you could do a thread about Big Daddy.

Anyway, this isn’t about Daddy, but Haystacks. He was a pretty prominent name to the Brits, and was perhaps one of their more hated heels. Then again, anyone that worked with Big Daddy usually was. So, the WCW probably caught on to this man known as Haystacks, and they wanted to bring this man aboard. They were working a group of super heavyweight heels known as The Dungeon of Doom, with their main feud being between Hulk Hogan and The Giant. It made for utterly craptastic TV, and the fans just didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. Hell, it even had a bit of a tease of one Mr. Hulk Hogan turning heel, and if that’s not foreshadowing, then I’m not really sure what is. Anyway, the feud was really dragging out, and I guess they decided to make this feud drag out much more than it actually had to. So, they sent Hulk on a plane to find Haystacks, and ask him if wanted to take a tour of the States. The idea was that they would build to a feud between Ruane and Hulk Hogan, with Hulk perhaps getting the upper hand in this, as he usually did with super heavyweights. Unfortunately, the feud never officially happened per se, which left The Hulkster with nothing to do during that period. I wonder what they wound up ever doing with him…

[youtube]dvkmN4AKrbw&feature=related[/youtube]

Quite a waste not to use this man, I suppose. So they just put him in some old group, and had him go with that for a couple years. Anyway, before any of this happened, Hulk was in the process of building up to a feud between Ruane and Hogan, with The Dungeon of Doom going on for much longer than it probably should have. So, they brought the man aboard, and of course, it made sense to give him a gimmick that suited him, and explained the obvious accent and, well, how he was so big.

So, they named the man “Loch Ness”. And I don’t mean to nitpick, because I get that they were building up his gimmick and such. Nevertheless, one could only imagine that Ruane took a bit of offense at being confused for a Scot, when the man was in fact Irish. Again, I’m not sure about that, so I would need for someone like Scotsman or Lee to back me up on this. But to the best of my knowledge, Scots and Irish are very proud of their heritage, and I can only imagine that it might have been a bit offensive for Ruane to have always been confused between a Scot and an Irishman. Again, I’m not entirely sure how people view the whole concept of the two ethnicities, but I can only imagine that it might cause a bit of trouble for the heritages.

Still, it’s a gimmick, so I’m not going to get all up in arms about it. Anyway, they signed the guy, and they really wanted to make it so that the man could be successful.

So they debuted him on their pay per view pre-show for Superbrawl. Look, I know that you want to be careful on how you push the guy, but I hoped WCW understood that if this guy’s going to be feuding with the biggest name in the business, he could at least have his match on the actual pay per view telecast. I suppose it didn’t matter so much, though, as WCW offered the man on free television, and those that were watching the pay per view probably saw him earlier. Still, you could try and make some money off of the guy, and maybe add him as a special match to the pay per view. Alas, they offered the guy in a match against Hacksaw Jim Duggan, labeling him as the Dungeon of Doom’s “big surprise”.

There was just one problem; WCW’s crack staff of technicians let out the surprise with an on screen appearing of his name. People were confused when they saw “Loch Ness’ on their screen, yet saw The Taskmaster’s name. That may have been a point in which using the introduction may have been a poor choice. Anyway, as more bonus footage, I’ll now take you to Loch Ness’ debut, wrestling against Jim Duggan;


Which I’ll now take us to The Match of Ineptitude. And, there are many matches I could choose, but for this one, we’re going into WCW Uncensored, 1996. The match was Loch Ness VS. The Giant, in a Giant VS. Giant match;



Why It Failed: I’ll give a bit of an anecdote about the guy, and try to explain exactly why he failed, but it should be evident; he just couldn’t do much in the ring. I don’t think I saw him do any more than an elbow drop, and an awkwardly placed one at that. The appeal was his size, but it would ultimately be his downfall. Most superheavyweights can’t do much just by nature, but let me just tell you how much he couldn’t do.

I remember watching Superbrawl as a kid with my father, and we watched Loch Ness’ debut. And when I watched as a little kid, admittedly, it scared the piss out of me. The guy was so big, and he was dropping elbows left and right. So I guess WCW kind of did its job. Then, though, my dad started busting out laughing at the sight of the guy. I, shaking just a bit, wondered what he was laughing about, and so I asked him, but he just kept on laughing his ass off. He laughed so hard, that he almost had trouble breathing on the matter. He then pointed out that he could have done everything that guy just did in the ring. All Ness did was a couple elbow drops, and a few punches to the back. Granted, he was in his fifties, and we would later find out he had cancer. Still, my dad, who hadn’t had a lick of training, could do all he could. I still remember him dropping elbows on a pillow, and looking better than Ruane. And I couldn’t help but laugh, because my dad looked so ridiculous in what he was doing. He did it sheerly to get me to laugh, and to break the fear that I had of what I was watching. My dad was able to keep me from being totally frightened. And, I still remember watching him drop those elbows, and seeing my dog come in, still just a puppy at the time. My started barking at my dog, and dropping elbows in front of her, still looking ridiculous in the process. My dog was going ballistic at the sight of my dad dropping elbows, and I couldn’t help but break down laughing. It was just so funny to watch this man, with no training at all, do the exact same thing as this wrestler, in retrospect. My dad always had an ability to make the most frightening thing, and make it seem relatively nonexistent. My dad and I would always watch wrestling together, and when Loch Ness would come on, my Dad would go into his “Loch Ness” state, and start dropping elbows, looking ridiculous, and laughing maniacally. And it worked. What should have been absolutely terrifying was negated by the fact that the guy just couldn’t work a lick, and there was no way that he could put on a decent match.

It is worth saying, though, that Ruane had cancer, so none of this was really his fault. He was getting old, and morbidly obese, and he just didn’t have it in him anymore.

The Moment of Saving Grace: To most, he had none, as he would be gone in less than a month. He really did not have much of an impact to have a legit saving grace, per se. To me, though, he will always remind me of my dad. My dad always had a jolly nature about his weight, and whenever Ness would come on TV, he would joke “Well, at least I don’t look that bad”. He always got a good laugh about it, and though I didn’t get it at that point, now I can see what my dad was doing. We would always have wrestling matches, just playing around, and as I was always Hulk Hogan, my dad would joke around that he would have to be the Loch Ness. We’d fight around a bit, before my dad would always let me get the win. It was always so much fun for me, and admittedly, I very much miss my father even now. He was always able to keep me feeling safe and secure, and played with me so much. He’s pretty much the reason I am a wrestling fan, and the only reason I watched as a kid was to be around him. My dad, to me, was never as much Loch Ness, as much as he was a hero. So, for me, Loch Ness will always hold a soft spot within my John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thank you very much for staying with my ramblings, and tomorrow, I’ll be back, with the induction of another favorite of mine;

Aldo Montoya

I miss you, dad.

 

[SavageTaker]

In honor of your father Tenta, I’m going to try and keep this post as positive as I possibly can, but there's still some negatives I do have to include.

I honestly think that when WCW introduced Loch Ness it was rather odd. He seemed like someone who just didn’t fit in at the time. It was 1995 when he debuted and I think it was odd that they would put him in a roster that WCW had. If he had debuted during the cartoonish times in the WWF then it would be a completely different story because he is someone that everyone would have feared. Seriously, look at this guy:

Please find me someone that wouldn’t have feared him. He was a huge and intimidating guy. If you ran into him in the street, you would probably pee your pants. I know I would if a man that size ran into me in the street.

One of his downfalls was that he wasn’t the same wrestler he once was in my opinion. He wasn’t good before but he wasn’t bad either. He was a decent wrestler. But for a Super Heavyweight, he wasn’t good at all. I’m a fan of SHW’s and “Big Men” but he was someone I wasn’t a fan of because he just wasn’t good once he was in WCW. Maybe he was limited because of his size and age but there’s still guys who were huge and were still good wrestlers. A prime example of this was Yokozuna. He was a very big man and he still had some good matches and he was an SHW that I liked. Loch Ness was someone who has never had a memorable match in his career in the United States.

The only thing he will be remembered for is for debuting in WCW and attacking Hulk Hogan and for being part of the Dungeon of Doom. Other than those 2 things, he won’t be remembered for anything else during his time as Loch Ness. He won’t even be remembered for his matches against The Giant and Lex Luger because they weren’t good.

 

[klunderbunker]

Loch Ness- I always liked this guy actually. He's a big fat novelty and that's about all he needed to be. He was around for all of a few months with nothing of note really. I think he got a TV title show with Luger on Nitro once that went nowhere. Other than that he was supposed to be a big problem for Hogan but nothing ever came of it. Overall, he was a novelty that went nowhere, especially after being turned face and fed to the Giant. He was fine for what he was, which was nothing more than a short lived novelty character. No problem here, because what else could you really do with someone that big?

 

[Tenta]

Well, it's like you said, KB and Savage, this man was going to work with The Hulkster. At this point, you couldn't possibly get any bigger than that, and even though the matches wouldn't have been great, if he did have his feud with Hulk, he would have had his legacy cemented as a historical big guy around the world. For now, he's really a novelty act from Britain. But for this feud, he could have become a world reknown name.

My questions are this;

1. What would this feud have done for Ness?

2. What for Hogan?

I feel that a Hogan/Ness feud could have cemented the legacy of Loch Ness around the world. He wouldn't have been remembered as one of the best big men, but he would have been remembered, period. Which is more than most people say of him now.

As for Hogan, I feel it would have delayed, if not stopped, his run with the nWo. If he was in this feud with Ness, it would have been fairly long term, and the fact is that he could have been with this guy to Starcade. Eric Bischoff always said he had Sting in line to lead the nWo, and I personally have always felt the nWo needed Hogan for that superstar rub. So, I feel the nWo would not have had the lasting impact that it did. But that's just me, Savage, KB, anyone, what say you all?

 

[klunderbunker]

Born in England, but of Irish descent. Be careful with that.

It wouldn't have done much for Hogan. Ness would have been just another giant that Hogan put down after being in trouble against. He wouldn't have done much though, as Giant was not only better but also a better choice as there was the Andre angle to go with it. As for Ness, it would have been his only claim to fame, much like someone like Zeus. Nothing would have come from it as he wouldn't have won a match against Hogan. he might have injured him or something though. Overall, it wouldn't mean much whatsoever, but it would have filled some time I guess.

 

[SavageTaker]

I think had the feud with Hogan been carried out it would have made people remember him. It would have helped him tremendously. The majority of wrestling fans in the United States didn’t know who he was. The only people who knew who he was were the people who had seen his feud with Big Daddy and had seen him in Britain. By having him feud with Hogan it would really make people remember him and it would have cemented his legacy as someone that did something of importance: feud with Hulk Hogan. It wouldn't have been a good feud, but it would still make people remember who he was.

Now, what would it have done to Hogan? Nothing major. It wouldn’t have helped or tarnish him. It wasn’t going to affect plans by much. It would only have delayed the formation of the NWO. But that’s the only thing I can think of. The NWO would have still happened. It just would have happened later. Hopefully, Eric wouldn't have rushed the NWO and put someone else as the leader. If that had happened, like you said Tenta: It wouldn't have had the same effect it had.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

First of all, I would like to commend Mastadon TentaZord for your work & effort in creating a fear inside of me about the deepest darkest places of professional wrestling. I have questioned my own morality several times upon entering this realm. Thank you. Honourable mentions to the likes of SavageTaker for taking over the tours even if it does mean you are putting your life at stake.

Secondly, I would like to contribute on the induction of Loch Ness. A great big man gone to waste yet again, he did not deserve such a fate. The Dungeon of Doom, severe obesity, not being remembered, cancer, two inductions into the JTMFTG... just a bad way to go.

Thirdly, when I saw the last line of the post on the induction of Loch Ness, I was very touched & almost shed a tear.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -​

Please, for the love of God, keep the JTMFTG up & running as I am always keen to see the horrific's & the vomit-inducing gimmicks written into the history if professional wrestling... for one day Mr. TentaZord... you will establish the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks as something even more sickly & perverted than the lyrics to a Cannibal Corpse song...actually, scratch that. Nothing is more perverted than Cannibal Corpse lyrics... I think I just created a new low for the Memorial...Oh crap... I don't feel so good now...anywayz, thankyou for brightening my day with the JTMFTG...

 

[The Holy One]

This is why I like this thread for not only providing vomit-inducing reminders of gimmicks past but for also shedding light on vile, horror-filled ones that have been easily missed by the public view.

With that said, I think Ruane was a historic part of British wrestling though I've never seen or heard of his time as Haystacks until today (consider that the noob part of my knowledge on international wrestling other than Japan). I still feel it was a horrible way to go if he wanted to be known in the U.S. Just like you said Tenta, He could have gone to the WWE earlier where I think he could have considerably better than that atrocity that he was in WCW.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And speaking of giving people jobs, no group was as controversial in preserving spots and keeping their buddies on top as The Kilq. In professional wrestling, there’s always a wink-wink friendship amongst wrestlers, and the ones that have political backing will usually go to bat for their friends more often than not. Hell, it’s what gave a man like Ed Leslie a job for years past his prime, and possibly years after the man had any business being in a wrestling ring.

You know, the more I think about it, was The Disciple ever in a match in his stint in WCW? Was there honestly anything else the man did to earn his paycheck, aside from hold Hollywood Hogan’s belt. Jesus, they always said Ed was Hulk’s personal luggage boy, but The Disciple literally played that role for two fucking years on television!

Anyway, this is not about The Disciple. This, however, just goes to show the power of political backing in pro wrestling. If you’re good friends with the guys that are good with the boss, odds are pretty likely that you’re going to see yourself getting a push. And perhaps no group was more responsible for keeping their buddies on top than The Kliq. The group consisted mainly of Shawn Michaels (Michael Hickenbottom), Razor Ramon (Scot Hall), Diesel (Kevin Nash), Triple H (Paul Levesque), and The 1-2-3 Kid (Sean Waltman), whom all went to bat for one another, and used the stroke that they had with Vince to keep themselves working at the top of the card. And boy, did they make a living Hell for many wrestlers in the WWE during their height. Shane Douglas left the company just because of politics designed by The Kliq (I say good riddance to bad rubbish, personally). Jean Pierre Lafitte (Carl Ouellet) was buried by the Kliq when he refused to make Diesel make good in a house show match. And I think that some other wrestlers wound up having to deal with the politics of certain members of The Kliq…

Warning: TM, For The Love of God, do not watch the following clip.

[youtube]IxSSgYxyApM[/youtube]

… Honestly have no clue who that guy was. I mean, he must have done a few thing of relevance. But can’t quite place a name to the guy.

Anyway, so as you can see, The Kliq had been using their stroke with Vince McMahon to keep themselves over for years. Whether right or wrong in their reasoning, these men were able to manipulate the system to their favor, and were even able to convince Vince McMahon to screw a man who was arguably his best worker, and one of the most loyal men to Vince McMahon. What you cannot deny about these men is that they controlled a whole lot of the show, and made a great deal of money in the process. And at the end of the day, while guys like Shawn and Hunter were more or less concerned with putting on good matches, Scott, Kevin, and Sean basically got a damn good deal out of the process. These men worked very hard to keep themselves in the spot light, and whether or not you agree with their… Ahem… Principles, you can’t deny the success that these men had, and the good they were able to do for themselves. These men rode high on top, and were able to do very much with their political stroke. Without The Kliq, groups like Degeneration X, and to some extent, the New World Order, surely wouldn’t be entirely possible. When all is said and done, it could raise the debate that The Kliq was the most successful groups in the history of the WWE (That sounds like a thread topic… Someday…).

Alas, what everyone seems to forget is that there was always one long lost member of The Kliq. There was one guy that always seemed forgotten, though he was often accepted as a member of The Kliq. Sure enough, if The Kliq was The Brady Bunch of pro wrestling, then this guy would have to be Cousin Oliver. The man is the equivalency of all of the other members of N’Sync besides Justin, all of the Jackson Five without Michael, and all of the members of Menudo without Ricky Martin, all rolled up into one gigantic bubble of irrelevance. Sure, the guy had a couple of good years with ECW, free from Vince McMahon. But, to me, this guy will always seem to be the guy that just couldn’t get to the top, even with the help of The Kliq. As a matter of fact, most people challenge his closeness to The Kliq, just because of how horrendously he failed in his first run with the WWE. Then again, when the WWE decides to give you the gimmick of wearing a jock strap on your head, I guess it’s easy to see why people doubt that this man had any ties to any wrestler that had political pull. With that type of gimmick, you might as well be a tiny sea urchin in the sea that is World Wrestling Entertainment, waiting to be gobbled up by thousands of sharks, or maybe even a narwhal or two. This man will have to live with the fact that he was the guy that Vince put a jock strap on his head. And with such an idea, it’s only fitting that this character receive a close spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. And that man is the great;

Aldo Montoya

What Was It:And before we go any further, I just want to put this out there… I am going to try everything in my power to not use that quote

You know what quote I’m talking about… The one that comes from that movie. You know, the one with Andre The Giant. The one that taught you to never deal a Sicilian, especially when death is on the line. The one in which Fred Savage proved to the world just how horrendous an actor he truly is. The one in which that tiny bald guy says “Inconceivable” every time he’s on screen. No, I swear to everything I love, I will do my best not to use that quote coming from Inigo Montoya… Ah, damn it, here you go;

[youtube]i3W5GDkgf2w&feature=related[/youtube]\

Just be happy that I’m not doing the Billy & Chuck wedding, otherwise you can best believe I’d use the marriage scene from that very same movie. Anyway, now with that bit of silliness out of the way, let’s look at the wrestling career of the man who would don the Inigo… Err… Aldo Montoya gimmick, in Peter Polaco.

And in spite of what has become a common theme to the wrestler’s inducted, this guy wasn’t that bad of a wrestler, at all. After all, this man moved to Canada, just so he could be trained in The Dungeon by Stu Hart and lackeys. And in a twist of irony, one of these lackeys actually just so happened to be Lance Storm, who just so happened to team with Polaco later in his career, as the two were in ECW. So yeah, if anyone tells you that The Hart Dynasty is the second best team trained in The Dungeon, just point out Lance Strom and Justin Credible, The Impact Players. Of course, then there is also debate on the matter, as one could also say that the second best team to be trained in The Dungeon just so happened to be Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, as we all know that the best was the original Hart Foundation. But this man was a member of The Dungeon, sure enough. And it wouldn’t take long for him to earn a spot in the WWE, initially as a jobber named P.J. Walker. As a matter of fact, let’s include one of his matches as P.J. Walker, in which he jobbed to Hell against The Undertaker.

[youtube]4Vhvh85hfkY[/youtube]

You know…. Randy Savage was an extremely underrated commentator, just throwing that idea out there. So yeah, plenty of stars had been made after jobbing to The Undertaker. Just look at someone like Matt Hardy, and… Well, probably Jeff Hardy, and stuff. Anyway, I suppose Vince saw something he liked in Polaco, and he decided that it would be best to sign the man to a deal, and make him a wrestler on his programming. Yeah, Peter was going to get the shot at the spotlight, and The WWE was going to give him a chance.

And his name was going to Aldo Montoya, Portuguese Man O’War.

Now then, I can understand that The WWE was attempting to capitalize on his Portuguese heritage, as if the yellow, green, and red tights weren’t enough. But any time you’re starting a wrestler off by naming him after a fucking jellyfish, you kind of get the idea that this gimmick was going to go absolutely nowhere. Still, the man had hope, as he was quickly becoming friends with the likes of Scott Hall. Surely enough, Scott could go to bat for Polaco, and get him a better gimmick than this. Surely, Scott could do something to help out Polaco. After all, he was soon becoming friends with Sean Waltman and Shawn Michaels, and the power of the Kliq was just starting to be felt. The man was trained in The Dungeon, so we know that guy had talent to him.

And all hopes for the guy were absolutely shot when The WWE revealed his costume. Look, I understand the concept of it being a cartoony era, but for Christ sakes, the guy had a fucking jock strap on his face. A fucking jockstrap. See, let’s take a look at what a jock strap normally looks like;

Now, let’s get another look at The Portuguese Man O’ War.

And without further ado, let’s go right away to our Match of Ineptitude: And for this one, we’ll actually you a match he had with a jobber named David Sierra. Yes, that is good old HBK you have on commentary:



Might I also say just how odd it is to see Bam Bam doing Slim Jim promos.

Why It Failed: And for the first time in a while, I really can’t blame the superstar too much for the failure of this gimmick. He was a pretty good wrestler, I’d say, and he had his moments where he looked pretty damn decent as a wrestler. I feel he’d really start to come into his own as he continued to wrestle more matches, and that Justin Credible was one of the better actual wrestlers of ECW. However, there’s just one problem that seemed to plague Polaco.

Namely, that he was nineteen, and wasn’t prepared for the ring of the WWE, yet. There should be something said for a wrestler that, at this point, would have worked his way the ranks of Indy promotions, and Peter did spend a bit of time in the New England indies. Otherwise, Polaco was thrown right away from the Dungeon into the ring, and anyone that has that happen is bound to get somewhat intimidated by the ring. That seemed to be the case with Montoya… He just wasn’t ready for the spotlight of the WWE just yet, and would need to undergo serious seasoning before even stepping foot into another promotion. Still, it was probably decent exposure for Polaco, and really, I suppose that was all he could really ask for, what with being nineteen and in the ring like that. There should be really something said for wrestlers that young getting pushed in the spotlight. To the best of my knowledge, Christian is the only other wrestler to have debuted in his teens with the WWE, and it would take quite a while for him to find his comfort in the confines of the WWE. Look how entertaining he became afterwards, though. Simply put, any wrestler that’s entering the fire at such an age better be prepared to have that spotlight on him, and Polaco just wasn’t.

Also, and it’s pretty hard to ignore this; the guy had a fucking jock strap on his head. Seriously, who can take a wrestler seriously with that sort of look. I wasn’t so much worried about the match he was wrestling, as much as I was the sanitary nature of that jock strap. After all, Sean Waltman was on staff at this point, and he loved the good prank every now and then. Anyway, say what you want, the guy was wearing a support for your testicles on his head. I’m sorry, but that’s just not a completely good look. At all. So it’s really no wonder that the gimmick couldn’t get over one bit. When you throw someone inexperienced with something as terrible as that, you get a recipe for disaster, a la Aldo Montoya.

The Moment of saving Grace: And this one is fairly simple; Justin Credible. Peter got himself out of the WWE by 1997, and decided to drink from the Paul Heyman Kool-Aid. Paul rebranded him, and let him just go out and wrestle his style. Then, he paired him with fellow Dungeon member Lance Storm, and the luscious Dawn Marie. From there, you had a recipe for a tag team that was arguably the second best the company ever produced. He’d go on to win the ECW Heavyweight Title, and had a pretty good run with it, if you ask me. He would remain a solid force in the ECW main event for some time to come, and wound up becoming one of the major faces for the company, even while the company was going through turmoil. Hell, the WWE even brought him back, teaming him up with X-Pac and Albert, and… Well, you know, the less said about that, the better. We are looking at Saving Graces, after all. However, as it goes for Aldo Montoya, he will always be remembered fondly for just how ridiculous his gimmick is, in the walls of the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thanks for stopping on by, and join us tomorrow, as we discuss a team near and dear to my heart;

The American Males

See ya.

 

[SavageTaker]

I agree with you Tenta on the gimmick failing because Aldo Montoya was very young then. He just wasn’t ready to be a WWE Superstar. He was young and didn’t have a lot of exposure in other promotions. He basically did the Indies for a little time and then went straight to the WWE. He wasn’t going to become some major star either. He was still very green and I feel like he just wasn’t ready for the WWE. He was out of place. The WWE were considered to be the Major Leagues and he didn’t belong. He should have gone to the Minor Leagues for a longer amount of time to get seasoned. It honestly wasn’t going to work out because he was way too early into his career to be in the WWE.

The other thing like you mentioned, he couldn’t be taken serious. When you wear a jock-strap on your head, you just know people aren’t going to take serious. Aldo Montoya wasn’t any different. They gave him something silly to wear and it just wasn’t going to work out. It never does and for some reason the WWE made that same mistake over and over, and over. Maybe if he wore something normal, he might have been taken somewhat serious, but since he didn’t he wasn’t taken serious at all. Fans just knew that he wasn’t going to amount to anything or be a threat to anything.

Ultimately, Aldo Montoya wasn’t meant to work in the time he was in the WWE. He was way too young, didn’t have enough experience, and couldn’t be taken serious because of his attire.

 

[The Holy One]

Wow, I didn't know that Justin Credible was considered to be a member of the Kliq to some extent or that he was stuck with this terror of a gimmick. I have to agree with you Tenta that surely Hall could've push for a better gimmick for his friend than that but anyway.

If there was somebody that could of benefitted from farm territories like OVW and FCW now it would of been Montoya. He could have perfected his wrestling and mic skills and found a better gimmick that suited him. I could've totally seem him as a IC or Euro champ with the Justin Credible character and the pull he had from the Kliq. Ah well, I guess WWE's screw up is ECW's gain.

 

[klunderbunker]

I wouldn't really call this a bad gimmick. It wasn't meant to be taken seriously, but I'm not sure what the point of the mask was. he got on TV if nothing else so it's not like things were horrible for him. I thought he was ok at least and the mask was never as issue until someone pointed it out to me. All in all, he's forgettable. Was it really even a gimmick? It's more of a character I think, which is a line that people often cross which isn't correct. He wasn't that bad really, and I'd actually call it a success for one reason: it got him noticed and he got his far more famous character out of it in ECW. Based on that, I don't find this one terrible.

 

[Mr. Truth]

I would just like to say that this is one of the best threads ever. Thanks Tenta for the great reads so far, and I'm looking forward to even more. Most of this stuff I never got a chance to see live, and your Hall of Shame is a great place for all that has been bad in wrestling's history.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, children of all ages. I’m proud to present to you, once again, the rarely attempted, easily duplicated, John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes sir, this memorial brings to you all of the pain and anguish found in a mrstlouis post, wrapped up tightly within the confines of a TheOneBigWill post. This, folks, describes all of the torment and agony that befalls us, the wrestling fan, and makes us all grind our teeth in frustration of how bad the business can truly be. This is the layer of Hell in which Dante forgot to write about; however, should he have existed in this time, he probably would have no interest in actually writing about the schlock you’re about to witness in this Memorial. Rather, he would probably rather grab the nearest knives, stick them in his eyes, and then proceed to bring those knives into his chest, in an attempt to end the misery in which he has had to endure. Surely, Hell would be a far better fate than having to endure this horrendous excuse for “entertainment”. Sure enough, doing this kind of thread gets taxing, and at times, I question my own sanity for having attempted to actually continue this thread on a daily basis. However, it’s necessary, and only for one reason; to give warnings to all promoters of all the evils of the past. Yes, while promoters have relatively great ideas, and have risen to power off said ideas; well, sometimes they throw out absolute clunkers. Sometimes, what may seem like the promoters as the next incarnation of the Four Horsemen really is, instead, a brand new Dungeon of Doom, and unless someone calls them out on these past transgressions, they will only continue to throw out crap that absolutely nobody wants. As a matter of fact, most people would rather stick their respective reproductive organs in a fire ant hill before having to relive these abominations. No matter how you spell it, wrestling fans have all had to go through some serious crap in their day. No matter when one would consider his “heyday”, it’s pretty factual to say that wrestling fans, all alike, have had to go through some painful and embarrassing moments as a fan. Not many people would ever want to subject themselves to this kind of anguish. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. These are the kinds of things that give men like Mark Madden jobs, and give them the ammunition to fire against wrestling, in general. And though we may not personally care too much for Madden, some of what he says has some sense of validity. There are plenty of terrible things in wrestling. And trust me, while we’ve gone through some pretty horrendous things already, now we’re going to go into a realm that even I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to stomach. So, with that in mind, let’s begin this little induction of ours.

And today, the topic at hand seems to be Chippendale.

[youtube]2e5q6ubDlZE[/youtube]

… You know, I'm sure how old everyone on this board is, but this was an extremely underrated cartoon show, no matter what age you are. And that theme song was always pretty catchy. You know what, if I were controlling Disney, I'd put shows like this back on in the morning for kids, just so they could get a taste of what they're missing.

But anyway, no, I wish that was what we were talking about today… If only that were the case. No, I apologize, but it seems that today we're going to do on depth on the actual profession of Chippendale wrestlers.

[youtube]9RajNvJ3bCU[/youtube]

Ah… That makes me feel so much better about this topic. If only it were possible that youtube would allow us to partake in the entire skit. Unfortunately, we're only subjected to this little tribute, with some epic music in the background. God, do I miss Chris Farley, though.

And you know, it's pretty ridiculous that I actually have to do this review. You would think that it would merely be common sense to a promoter to not mix in pro wrestling with Chippendale dancers. And while, granted, there's a steady portion of women that do watch wrestling, but I'm pretty sure they couldn't get hooked on the gimmick we're about to talk about. Namely, because of two reasons.

1. It helps women when the guys that are portraying Chippendale dancers do not look like absolute morons when they're out there.

2. It usually behooves women to be sexually attracted to men when they are acting heterosexual… Instead of… Well, you get my drift.

And so, thus, you'd think that with a majority of your population being males, and you're dying to get that 18-49 demographic, placing this kind of gimmick out into the ring seems completely counterproductive to your goals. I mean, who in the right mind would think of putting such a gimmick out there, and wouldn't realize to himself that the concept is completely horrendous. Who could possibly be so naïve as to believe that he could parade around what I could only assume were male strippers around the ring, only for the idea to be completely crapped on by the fans?

…. Sigh. You know, I probably really should have expected that one. Well, I did, after all it's already happened. And that is why these two men are earning themselves a comfortable spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Separately, they are named Marcus Bagwell and Scotty Riggs… But I prefer to call them absolute crap. And together, they make up the infamous

American Males

What Was It: Well, before we get to this one, let's take a closer look at the background of these men, in Marcus Bagwell and Scotty Riggs.

At one point, Marcus Bagwell was actually a promising young baby in the promotion of WCW. Unfortunately, as the years started to pile on, he went from being a young baby, to just being a flat out baby. The guy spent most of his time pissing and moaning about who he'd have to job to, and how he wasn't getting the spot he deserved, instead of actually trying to earn himself a good spot within WCW's ranks. Still, the guy had a bit of talent, and he showed signs of promise as he continued to climb the ranks of being a jobber, to being… Well, he was still a jobber, but now he had a full time job of being a jobber, damn it. He was always referred to as one of the "young new stars of WCW" which always gave me a chuckle whenever I heard it.

You see, there's something wrong with the idea that he was a young new star in WCW… The guy had been around for six fucking years before this tag team . I suppose it's ok to call the guy talented, but for God's sake, the guy isn't new. That'd be like calling Shelton Benjamin "a new up and comer". The problem is that Shelton is neither new, nor up and coming… He perpetually sucks. And, as such, this was the destined fate of Marcus Bagwell. However, he did begin his way into the tag team division, and teamed up with respected veterans such as 2 Cold Scorpio and The Patriot. After being left behind by both partners, he expressed a desire to form a new tag team to challenge for the title again. According to WCW's storylines, his former partners believed that he was too demanding, and he was unable to find anyone interested in teaming with him due to his reputation as being "difficult to work with".

You know, because that was so fucking hard to believe.

Anyway, so he needed a new tag team partner, and he really wasn't ready for his singles push at all. Then again, he really wasn't ever ready for his singles push, per se. So they signed this kid to a WCW contract in Scott Antol. The guy had been working a bit in Smoky Mountain and the USWA, which meant that he couldn't have been too horrendous, per se. He was just immensely… Boring. The guy had really nothing to separate himself from any other wrestler, and definitely had absolutely no charisma to get himself whatsoever. Anyway, before American Males, the guy was known as Scott Stud, and made himself a pretty good living in Jerry Lawler's promotion. Now, though, he was signed up by WCW, and was put immediately work with Buff Bagwell.

And, they decided to dress the guy with Chippendale suspenders and pants.

[youtube]XhI0OVs_zj0[/youtube]

Thank you, Walter Sobchak, for saying just exactly what was going through my mind. Anyway, I don't want to spoil too much of my "Why it Failed" portion of the segment, but let's just say that should have dropped a huge fucking hint as to what I'm going to talk about. Anyway, they were good looking guys who apparently really liked their bodies (?), and clapped a lot. For no real reason, honestly. It was just something that looked completely annoying.

Oh, and if that wasn't annoying enough, perhaps you should take a good listen to that entrance music. Take a good hear of this, and then I recommend you cutting off your ears, right away, so that they waves of fail that exude from this song don't reach your brain, and turn you into a failure. Here we go… Listen at your own risk…

[youtube]_VPP-sM_2YU[/youtube]

If you're ears aren't bleeding after that, then you are absolutely inhuman. That is quite easily the most ridiculous theme music I believe I've ever heard. Jimmy Hart, you might have been good when you were working with Jim Johnston, but this is utter crap. Most people would rather listen to Yanni than have to go through that theme song. This is the song that works to keep dogs at bay. There is no way that anyone was going to be intimidated by this song, and it surely wasn't going to bring back any nostalgic feelings for anyone. Seriously, when was the last time that you heard someone say that they missed The American Males Theme? Better question… When did you ever hear anyone at any time say that they missed The American Males theme? Simply put, this was the corniest theme music on the face of the Earth, and there's no way that you can get me to believe that there was a worse song in professional wrestling history.

And I don't know what's worse… The fact that they had a gimmick like this, or the fact that they actually had a tag team title run. Despite what common logic would say about giving this gimmick a chance, these guys actually had a run with the WCW Tag Team Title. Granted, that run really started to for about a good six days, but they still had a chance with the belts


And with that, it's time to take you all into The Match of Ineptitude. So, without further ado, I bring you the match between The Dungeon of Doom, and The American Males, in the Main Event… You know, the event that usually came before pay per views. No, there's no way these men were given a chance at the real main event. So let's go to the Main Event, before Slamboree, between The Shark and Maxx Muscle, and The American Males.



Sigh… John, what the fuck were they doing with you at this point? My God… This is so embarrassing for me to watch. By the way, does Maxx Muscle look like Luther Reigns to anyone? Anyone? I'm just sayin…

Why It Failed: Because they were fucking dressed like Chippendale dancers. Who in the fuck is supposed to take that kind of team seriously, at all? . It can work for a guy like Rick Rude, who played the cocky heel so well, but there's absolutely no way this gimmick was going to get over with these bread white babyfaces that WCW threw at us. And simply enough, it didn't. Instead of thinking that these were talented wrestlers, we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. I sympathize with Scott Antol, who'd go one to a bit more fame in ECW, and would even parody that gimmick in ECW, showing how stupid he found the gimmick to be. However, I have no sympathy for Marcus Bagwell for having to play such a terrible gimmick. The man was a spoiled brat for the most part, and just didn't have what it takes to stay in the wrestling business. Otherwise, though, this gimmick was just simply doomed to fail.

Also, while this may seem a tad unfair, these guys were absolutely horrendous in getting the crowd's attention. At some point, they tried using a damn clap to get some sort of reaction from the fans, and I would argue that that Clap is ten times worse than the Rally Towel of Ricky Ortiz.

That's right; not only is The Rally Towel > The American Males Clap;

The Rally Towel >>>>>>>>>> The American Males Clap. And that's really saying something, when you consider just how much that God Forsaken towel sucked. Their offense was kind of like the Rockers, without the double teaming, and without the entertainment. They were just simply bland in the ring, and didn't have the strength or speed to have any sort of high impact offense whatsoever. And even if they did, neither of them had any sense of charisma to get themselves over at all. No matter how you put it, this gimmick just wasn't getting over, due to how ridiculous and unlikeable it truly was.

The Moment of Saving Grace: And bare with me here, as this one's a stretch. After these two broke up, and had their traditional feud, Riggs was in a match with Raven, had a kayfabe injury, and became a member of the Flock because of said eye injury. And anything that was tied to The Flock, to me, was absolutely awesome. Marcus… Err… Buff Bagwell… Was supposed to be the moment of saving grace for this team. Unfortunately, the man was a prissy prima donna, and simply didn't have the will to make it big in the wrestling business. That may be harsh to say, what with his injury and all, but seriously the guy was not that passionate for the business, and it showed. Otherwise, this gimmick had no saving value to it, and it is why this gimmick deserves a place in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thanks for joining us, and stop by tomorrow, as we look at:

Fake Diesel and Razor Ramon.

See ya.

 

[klunderbunker]

Again, not thinking this really was much of a gimmick. They just weren't very good. I think that sums it up as well as I can: they weren't very good. Bagwell was a guy that was around for nearly 10 years and nothing EVER got him over. They tried so hard they even put him over Flair one night and it didn't work. The American males thing was just something they threw together as they weren't meant to be taken seriously, although I think they won a tag title if I'm not mistaken. It wasn't that bad, and it's just another example of the ineptness that was WCW before the NWO came in and gave them something solid to work from.

 

[Tenta]

Again, not thinking this really was much of a gimmick. They just weren't very good.

I feel, that, to some extent, it was the gimmick that was a problem for them. And perhaps it wasn't a gimmick, so much so as it was their wardrobe and their music. Simply put, those two things combined made for absolute atrocious television. I'm really shocked I haven't inducted more Pre-NWO crap into the JTMFTG, because you're right on the ball as to saying that this was typical inept WCW for it's time. Maybe I'm confusing the costume with a gimmick, but I just saw these white bread babyfaces that performed like Chippendale dancers, and couldn't help but think this gimmick was going to be a complete and utter failure.

As for them being not any good, couldn't agree more. I always found Scotty somewhat ok in the ring, and his matches with RVD in ECW ween't completely terrible. But Buff was utterly horrible at this point. Nothing at all captivated the fans, nor did they really have any reason to cheer him. Even when they did have a chance to cheer him, in his return to WCW after his neck injury, WCW tried to turn him heel. If he was ever going to get over, this would have been his chance, but WCW dropped the ball.

Otherwise, couldn't agree more... Average wrestlers wearing hideous ring attire makes for a failure of a team. KB, I believe that you'll agree with me more on tomorrow's induction

 

[The Holy One]

Shit - That is the one word that can sum up the unholy existence that was the American Males. Seriously speaking though, I LMAO for about five minutes after hearing thirty seconds of their theme song. I never thought much of Buff Bagwell to begin with as I felt he was given a better chance then he should of got, but now that I saw this He has dropped a new low in my viewpoint.

 

[Tenta]

Shit - That is the one word that can sum up the unholy existence that was the American Males. Seriously speaking though, I LMAO for about five minutes after hearing thirty seconds of their theme song. I never thought much of Buff Bagwell to begin with as I felt he was given a better chance then he should of got, but now that I saw this He has dropped a new low in my viewpoint.

And that's about the only way to put it up there, sir. Simply enough, these two in little outfits like they were in just doesn't work. I remember at one point, they were actually wearing short shorts to the ring, and Dusty Rhodes was doing commentary on the match. Well, Dusty, ever the obvious one, pointed out the shorts, and went off on a tangent how he and Tony Schiavone were going to come out next week in a pair of shorts.

Pretty hilarious stuff, actually. But didn't make much of these two guys. Holy One, keep it up, as you're doing pretty well on here.

 

[SavageTaker]

Like KB said, they weren’t good. They sucked. No one liked them. I don’t know how much clearer I could make it. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. They couldn’t get over by themselves. They tried so hard and they couldn’t do anything to get anyone to like them. No one cared about them at all and it just wasn’t meant to work. WCW did everything they possibly could and nothing worked and it wouldn’t have worked because of both of the wrestlers: Buff Bagwell and Scotty Riggs.

They were horrible wrestlers. They weren’t any good inside the ring. They weren’t entertaining and they didn’t have any or they had little charisma. They couldn’t get anyone interest in their matches because they weren’t good. They weren’t the worst they had in the company. But they were still pretty bad. Stale and boring to be exact. I don’t think anyone actually remembers anything they did because they never did anything of importance or anything memorable.

And what the hell was up with their attire? You know, I really wouldn’t be surprised if someone in WCW went to a Chippendale’s show and said to themselves “We should dress up a tag team like those guys and put them on TV.” I really wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly how someone came up with the idea of the American Males. They honestly just looked silly and no one was ever going to take them serious. They weren’t going to be taken serious as title contenders and they weren’t a serious threat to any title. Thank God that WCW stopped that tag team before it could continue being nothing but crap. Nothing but crap.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome, once again, friends and spammers, all alike, to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. I hope that, for your sake, you decided to leave the women and children at home. For you see, if you ever brought your spouse, or your children to such a place, they would realize all of the utter failure that is prevalent in the world of wrestling. Our crack staff (basically, of myself and SavageTaker) have combed the annals of wrestling history, mainly because we no longer see a purpose to this life. After all, how could one possibly rationalize exploring the inner asshole of the wrestling world, shit and all, without, to some extent, no longer caring much for the life we lead now. Entering what is to be deemed the Underworld of Pro Wrestling comes at a price, and every time you step foot in these hallowed halls, you may just find a small part of yourself decay and die by the second. This, again, is not your average memorial. While most memorials honor the great and dignified, this memorial stands as a warning to all of just how terrible the wrestling world can be. Admittedly, your sanity will be questioned, and your heart will be pierced by the exhibits you witness today. The only place these "memories" belong near the Hall of Fame is an outhouse, or buried far below the Earth's surface, so that neither man nor demon can reach for it again. And I assure you, it's far more likely that demons will retrieve, because it also makes for the absolute worst torture in Hell. Instead of reliving these moments, we'd rather eat a stable full of manure. You couldn't smoke enough pot, take enough acid, and have any amount of lobotomies that could reverse the trauma these events put you through as a wrestling fan. This is exactly what happens when the Creative Reins for promoters are not held in check; the promoter takes us off the enjoyable path we once had, and rather drives us off of the bridge at full speed, with a one way ticket to Hell, non-stop. Yet, one can only hope that by entering these dark hallways, you will learn of the fault of bookers and promoters alike, and that we may never fall into the same trap that is horrendous booking. Yesterday, we focused on the team of The American Males, and now I believe it’s time that we focused on the more gimmick matter of professional wrestling.

And when one things of professional wrestling, unfortunately, many people outside of wrestling fans describe wrestling as one word; fake

Now Then, please allow me this little time to rant… Just, you know, for funzies.

Anyone that has the gall to describe professional wrestling as “fake”, I dare you to send your sorry ass to the ring, and try and do half of the shit professional wrestlers do. If you don’t think it doesn’t think that it takes athleticism to half the things wrestlers do in the ring, then you’re even more of a fucking moron than I would have given you credit for. The fact that it’s scripted does not fucking give you the right to come on your high horse, and demean wrestling or its fans for being scripted . The next time you rag on it for being scripted, you can go back and turn to your blowout of a football game, and tell me that’s more fucking entertaining than what I’m watching right now. Jesus Hiram Christ, what right do you have to criticize me for liking professional wrestling? You like regular TV programming, which just so happens to be fucking scripted right? Then how is what I’m watching any different than half of the shit you watch on television, and how is it any less entertaining? Wrestling has so many more appealing factors of it, if you can get off your thy-art-holier-than-thou approach and learn to take a fucking show for what it is worth. Open your closed-ass mind, and give it a fucking chance before you decide you’re too fucking good for the show!

Phew… I feel like I channeled my Vader…

[youtube]QL0vHL1LgXs[/youtube]​

You know, two things really struck me about that tape. Namely;

1. I love how The Undertaker just sits there and watches everything. It’s pretty funny to watch Vader get so worked up, while The Undertaker just sits there, cool and collected on the whole matter. Makes for some pretty funny stuff, in my mind.

2. That even though Leon White was immensely pissed, and you could tell that he wanted to beat the brakes off of this reporter, that he was still somewhat able to maintain character. That, my friends, is classic. Vader may just be the second best big men… After John Tenta.

Anyway, there’s simply no other way to put it, in that we just don’t like fake things. When things are botched, we boo, because we know that it ruins the sense of disbelief we’re supposed to have. We just don’t like things that seem artificial to us. Things like artificial sweeteners, fake people, even breast implants draw the ire of certain folk. Now I, personally, see no problem with implants. Whatever a girl wants is her decision, and it’s not like they’re really all that different from regular boobs. And seriously, are you going to tell me this rack, or the woman bearing them, is not attractive?

True, the case of Hepatitis C may scare you off, but tell me that’s not attractive. Oh, and bad news, but I’d assume 99.4% of the women in the Tig Ol’ Bitty section have fake knockers. Anyway, we just so happen to not like fake things, and with professional wrestling, this is especially the case. And we’ve certainly seen it many times in the world of professional wrestling…

… You know, I’m not sure how this gimmick has eluded and induction for so long. But you know what, this one’s going to the front of the line, or pretty damn close to it. Anyway, we just don’t like fake things in our wrestling, we want the genuine thing. And nothing provides us with a perfect example of such a thing as the next induction to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. And that would be the oh so infamous

Fake Diesel And Fake Razor Ramon

What Was It: Well, before we do that, again, it’s only a little bit fair to give some sense of historical context on how this horrendous gimmick was created. And while I could give a dramatic back story, filled with betrayal, rage, and confusion, it could all really be boiled down to two simple facts about these gimmicks;

Vince holds way too much of a grudge, and JR was turning heel, and would oust Vince as the owner of the WWE. Sounds decent in theory, huh?

Well… How about not.

You see, a long, long time ago, Vince was building up two stars that would be pivotal to the success of the WWE. Their names were Razor Ramon and Diesel, portrayed by the men Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. They were everything that Vince could have desired in the ring; they were relatively young, big guys. They could work plenty of decent matches, and had pretty damn good promo skills. Razor was the better of the two, but Diesel was not slouch in his own rights. And probably the most important thing about these men, they were mad over. My God, if you ever listened to a Razor pop in his heyday, you’d wonder why Vince never gave him a chance with the strap to begin with. And Diesel surely had a following on his own; a former WWE Champion, the guy had just turned heel, in a turn that was relatively different for Vince. Sure, the guy attacked faces and was always in a bad mood, but the guy also had a sense of edginess to him that seemed somewhat lacking in Vince’s television programming at the time. Simply put, he pushed his limits, and I personally feel that he, along with wrestlers such as Goldust and Stone Cold Steve Austin, would begin the subtle, yet significant, turn to extremely edgy television. At least, you know, for WWE. ECW had been doing something a bit similar for a little while, but, ah, who’s ever heard of them? Not like they ever did anything significant…

Anyway, yeah, these guys were pretty much stars, and Vince backed these guys, putting them in some fairly high profile feuds. These men were the kinds that were becoming go-to guys for Vince, both from a wrestling and a backstage standpoint. Of course, that backstage standpoint was going to cause some issues for other wrestlers down the line. But, not like it really mattered a whole bunch, as it worked to keep these men on top for a long time.

There’s just one problem, here; these men were going to leave soon. WCW, the WWE’s rival, was offering enough money to have these men set for life (one could only imagine), and it was looking like a pretty sweet deal. They told Vince they’d stay if he could match Eric, but there was really no way that was going to happen. Eric had the backing of Ted Turner, and as long as that was the case, Eric could double any offer that Vince put on the table, if he really wanted to. Thus, it was pretty apparent to Vince, Razor, Diesel, and everyone in the WWE that this would be the end of the run, and that they would be moving on the WCW. There, they would use their real names of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, and would run a pretty decent angle.

[youtube]MKlBXnEkAAw[/youtube]​

Anyway, to us in the smark world, we never knew this was happening, as the internet was pretty much in its infancy at this point, and while dirt sheets were around, news and gossip wasn’t nearly as prevalent as it is now. Thus, to everyone, it really seemed like Vince was invading WCW. It was a brilliantly played out storyline, and people ate that shit up. To this day, it’s one of the best angles you’ll ever find.

Now, Vince isn’t the kind of guy to hold a grudge…



… Ok, perhaps all this guy ever did was hold grudges. The guy was notorious for having grudges that lasted multiple years. He also tends to let these grudges play out on television, and allow for his own self catharsis on his television shows. Now, normally, these things turn out to be horrendous television, and fairly unwatchable. Vince just doesn’t seem to get that his programming is meant to entertain the fans, rather than air out his grievances for the entire world to see. However, it just doesn’t really pop into his head that no one really cares about his personal gripes, and that we would rather watch entertaining wrestling than be subjected to this drivel constantly on any of his TV shows. Whether it is his gripe with Rosie and Donald, or whether he’s trying to make fun of the IRS coming after him, there just seems to be a common theme with Vince presenting his dirty laundry on television when it occurs. And there’s also the common theme that every time it happens, it’s completely terrible.

Which brings us to the shocking announcement that Vince had rehired Diesel and Razor from the WCW! I mean, never mind the fact that they were under contract, and it’d be completely impossible to usurp that contract. He had brought back to of the fan’s favorite superstars, and damn it, he was going to show them on television. Jim Ross was still in contact with Razor and Diesel, and that he had convinced them to come back. He was, after all, head of Talent of Relations for the WWE, and it was feasible to say that Good Ol’ JR had brought back the two, simply doing his job. But before he was going to return them to the WWE, and before we could see the unveiling of the two superstars, Jim was going to air out a couple of grievances for the WWE. In what has been described as a worked shoot, Jim ousted Vince as the owner of the company, and called him out on quite a few things. The footage speaks for itself, so let’s take it to Jim Ross in the ring, as he begins to introduce Razor Ramon.



And you know, Jim had some pretty valid points, as Vince has always treated Jim with very little respect. Rest assured, if Vince could replace Jim with a fucking talking dog, I swear he would, and would just let Jim sit out the rest of his contract. Vince would rather be impaled by a flaming sword then give Jim the credit he’s due. Still, he keeps Jim around basically because he needs Jim desperately. Still, that couldn’t hide how much this gimmick sucked, and how much no one really cared for heel Jim Ross. Mainly because… Well, he was right on everything he said.

Now then, let’s go to our Match of Ineptitude. Sadly enough, these guys had a shot of the WWE Tag Team Titles, and boy was it bad. So without further ado, let’s now go to In Your House: It’s Time, and the match between Fake Diesel and Razor, and The British Bulldog and Owen Hart.



By the way, for the record, yes, this pay per view’s name is in fact a reference of Vader, yet he was left off the card. Just goes to show you how mismanaged he was in the WWE.

Why It Failed: First and foremost, and I don’t want to spend too much time on this, but first let me allow the floor to speak on Vince holding grudges.

Vince, your personal vendettas never make for entertaining television. You may think people like to know about the soap opera that is your life, but honestly, no one really gives a damn. Maybe we’d care more if you didn’t portray yourself as such a douche, but it’s really impossible for us to sympathize with you. You’re a millionaire, while most of us are working just to get by. Get over yourself, and realize we couldn’t care less about your personal life.

Phew… Now then, that’s partially the reason this gimmick failed, but not the full reason. Simply enough, fans felt flat out tricked. It was the simple ploy of “bait and switch”, but then again, you really can’t play around with the fans, and expect them to like it. The fact is, people actually bought that they were going to get to see Razor and Diesel out there. They were, for the most part, loved in their runs in the WWE, and fans actually cared for these characters, and for the men that were portraying them. These men didn’t even look like the men that they were trying to portray, nor did they even act like them in the ring. While I get that they were using their likeness, many people legitimately expected for Diesel and Razor to actually return to the WWE. Back then, the internet wasn’t that much of a factor, and all we had to go by was the word on television. Even the WCW higher-ups were pretty much stunned by this event, and thought that Scott and Kevin were actually coming back to the WWE, because apparently they weren’t under legit contracts yet. The next week, after fake Diesel and Razor were revealed, WCW brought Scott and Kevin in, and signed them up to long term contracts the likes of which were unfathomable. Still, the WWE seemed confused as to whether or not they were going to portray this as real or fake versions of the characters, and even if this was a legit shoot or a work. Take a look at this match between Savio Vega and Razor Ramon, and listen to the commentary amongst it. The fact is, listening to the commentary is far better than having to actually watch this God forsaken match.



Yeah, that was the instance of how this gimmick was horrendous, and why this whole concept of a worked shoot was completely a cluster fuck. Simply put, no one cared, and they were just flat out pissed by the whole concept of this angle.

The Moment of Saving Grace: Some will say the moment of saving grace is that it revealed Vince as the head of the WWE, but I feel that that was a non-factor, as they really didn’t mention it that much more for about a year after this little incident. No, for me, the gimmick had only one saving grace, and that is Glenn Jacobs, better known to the fans as this man;

http://www.wrestlingwiththetruth.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/kane-028.jpg​

I, personally, am a huge fan of Kane, and though Glenn Jacobs wasn’t exactly the most similar in appearance to Diesel, the guy looked like he could work in the ring. Of course, little did I know then that he was also Isaac Yankem, but to me, I felt the guy just didn’t need to be this Fake Diesel to get over. And luckily, in a year’s time, I got my wish, and the WWE gave him something to actually work with, in Kane. The guy was able to make something of himself, and became one of the WWE’s go to guys, in terms of working, for a good twelve years. However, as Fake Diesel, he wasn’t much to talk about, and neither was this gimmick. This gimmick just pissed the fans off, and has earned a cozy spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Thanks for joining us today, and hopefully you’ll join us tomorrow, as we go double dipping in the rip off category. Yes, I’ve been given the idea to go ahead and do the gimmick of

The Renegade​

Oh, and while I have your attention, I’d like to talk about my new weekly thread I’m starting in the music section, called Compare and Contrast. Here, we look at the careers of two artists that I find similar, and compare and contrast the two of these artist’s lives, both in the public and private eye. For this week’s topic, we’ll dive into;

The King and The Prince; Comparing Prince and Michael Jackson​

I’d be very grateful if you stopped on by to see this new weekly thread I hope to start up. Thank you very much for your patronage of this thread, and I hope the quality of this JTMFTG is to your liking.

See Ya.

 

[klunderbunker]

Going to be hard to top what's been said here. This was a joke that just went on too long. For some reason, Vince has always wanted JR to be a heel and it just doesn't work, and that's the case for two reasons. 1. He's J FREAKING R! He's the voice of the company, not some guy that you can just throw out there and say go be evil. 2. He doesn't want to do it. he likes being a commentator, not being a character.

Anyway, this was an attempt for Vince to get himself a laugh and it just failed miserable. No one cared, no one bought it, and no one got the point. Vince has this weird impersonator fetish for some reason. I think it inflates his ego or something but whatever. This was just stupid and I think somehow, these guys had a tag title match at one point, on PPV! Ah look yes they were. (Vader was hurt for this show btw. He got injured after the name was announced). Anyway, this whol ehting was a way for Vince to have some fun, so who cares what the audience thought? He rarely does.

 

[Mighty NorCal]

Ive never understood the amount of shit heaped upon the Glacier character.

First off, everyone knows that Sub Zero is a bad motherfucker. Second, we have seen far more absurd shit than this, definately. Glacier was one of my favorite wrestlers wen i was a kid. Mortis even looked fucking cool. Green + Black = sweet color combo. I really dont get why everyone thinks it was so shit. Stuff like this is why we dont have colorfull gimmicks anymore, becuase people want to shit on stuff like Glacier.

 

[Tenta]

Ive never understood the amount of shit heaped upon the Glacier character.

First off, everyone knows that Sub Zero is a bad motherfucker. Second, we have seen far more absurd shit than this, definately. Glacier was one of my favorite wrestlers wen i was a kid. Mortis even looked fucking cool. Green + Black = sweet color combo. I really dont get why everyone thinks it was so shit. Stuff like this is why we dont have colorfull gimmicks anymore, becuase people want to shit on stuff like Glacier.

For my perspective, at least, I believe that people ultimately disliked the character because it was "placed" in what some might call the wrong era. This was the point that people claimed they wanted realism within their wrestling characters, and desired for gimmicks that were otherwise just like us. I'm not saying that's want I wanted... Personally, I'd love to go back to The Hogan days. However, people saw the idea of a cartoon gimmick, and what they felt was that it wasn't fitting within the context of his character.

Besides that, and this was my gripe with the Glacier character. I, for one, didn't want to see karate fighting in wrestling... I actually wanted to see legitimate wrestling. I compare this Glacier character to when TNA brought MMA to the wrestling ring. People don't pay for wrestling to watch Karate, or any other sort of fighting... We pay because we want to see wrestling, and therefore, expect to see wrestlers when we turn on the television.

Also, his biggest problem, after a little re-evaluation, was the wait. They hyped the guy up for months, and he never proved he warranted such a hype machine. Overall, I do feel that Glacier could have worked in another time, and I wasn't really all that down on him. I just couldn't help but think that the character didn't fit into where WCW planned to go.

 

[The Holy One]

Oh yeah, I remember watching those guys when I was a kid. I hated it then and I hate it now. This is the perfect example that Vince never learns from his mistakes well most of them (Katie Vick). He will never learn that impersonators will never make for good wrestling. His has done this with b/f and I'm sure he'll most likely do it again.