Hello, again, friends and spammers alike, and welcome to the barely attempted, easily duplicated,
John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if this was like the History of Cinema, this would be where they kept films like Space Jam, Kazaam, From Justin to Kelly, and The Hottie and the Nottie. For one day, we tried to get The Nostalgia Critic to do reviews for the exhibits you’re about to witness, but he feared that if he had to see any more of the matches in these archives, his head would explode. So, unfortunately, you’re left with me, and all of my infinite knowledge of all that is the shits of wrestling. You would probably rather be locked in a cell with a horny gorilla than have to go through these miscarriages of wrestling history. This has officially been deemed worse than listening to Yanni on loop, while on a date with Kenny G, and having The NorCal take photos of you, to post on forums. Yet once again, we hope that you learn a valuable lesson by risking your sanity to enter these archives, and that lesson is simple; promoters really are the biggest fuck ups you will ever meet in your life. Even a man like Vince McMahon, a guy that most of us consider a genius, and perhaps the best promoter in professional wrestling, is prone to throwing out horrendous ideas, that all just lead to one big huge massive pile of fail. It just goes to show you that, no matter what promotion you’re going to, there will always be a heavy dose of illogical characters, storylines, and other atrocities that, at times, make us feel embarrassed to be a wrestling fan. And thank God for those wrestling fans, because without them, I’d probably have to go out to the other forums, and would probably have to post much more about wrestling. However, I’ve chosen to give my life to examining all that is bad about professional wrestling. And though it seems a fate far worse than torture, I bring these travesties against mankind to your awareness, simply to warn you of the sheer evil that professional wrestling promoters are capable of. And maybe, just maybe, if we can show the true ugly side to wrestling, someone will listen, and we’ll never have to be subjected to this sort of torture again. I mean, Hell, I haven’t seen a really bad WWE gimmick recently, and I haven’t seen a decent wrestler buried by a bad gimmick in the last…
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… Let’s just move on, before I get even more pissed. *Sigh*… God damn it, Vince, you just never learn, do you? Let’s just get this abortion of an induction started. Yester day, we discussed the infamous Kennel from Hell match, and all of the nonsense that went into the feud between the Big Boss Man and Al Snow. And, thankfully, we’re going back to the Hogan Era for this next induction, in which kayfabe asked us to completely suspend our belief, and to accept gimmicks for what they were. Unfortunately, for this next inductee into the
John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks, there was absolutely no way that we could get on board with this gimmick whatsoever.
Anyway, for today’s induction, we’re talking about Voodoo.
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You know… That song is so fucking epic. If I could, I would be done with this induction right now, and I’d just listen to this song for about a good hour or so. It is really that epic. Anyway, but a concept like Voodoo, in the wrong hands, can be a horrendous thing. There’s just something about the dark arts that we just don’t understand, and somehow, this dark sort of arts have developed almost a cult following amongst some. I suppose when one really considers it, placing curses on your enemies is a somewhat cool concept, and the idea of being able to control people by the mere movement of a doll has a bit of an epic nature to it. And, for that matter, Vince has a pretty decent track record when it comes to basing gimmicks off of mysticism, and magic. Giving wrestlers a supernatural power, though it does not occur often, seems to be a lasting thing for Vince McMahon, and tends to do a decent job at getting a wrestler over. Though we may dislike the idea of magic in our pro wrestling, Vince hands it to the fans, and to the fans credit, they gobble it up. Note the Boogeyman: That gimmick had absolutely no business lasting six months in professional wrestling. Yet the man that created it, Marty Wright, rode that worm infested train for a good four months, even involving himself in feuds with the likes of Booker T, JBL, Finlay, and even got a shot or two at the ECW Championship. Hey, say what you want about that belt, but it was far more than anyone could have assumed he was capable of, especially when one considers that Marty was well into his forties by the time the gimmick started. This was a Tough Enough reject, and Vince gave him a career for about four years with that damn gimmick. For some reason, when Vince crosses that line into the supernatural, we start to enjoy it.
As a matter of fact, any chance that we can have to cross that supernatural line seems fun to us. Consider a ride like The Haunted Mansion at Disney. The ride itself is extremely brittle, it’s antediluvian, and it really isn’t even that fun, when one considers it. Shit, it’s traveling around a dark house for about ten minutes, while some props jump up every now and then, and “ghosts” hover above you. Color me thrill. Still, people flock that ride every day, leaving a line that can last between a good hour or two. And I should know, because… Well, I’ve been in that one hour fucking line way too many times for my own good. I’m just as fascinated as anyone else, and really want to know the understandings of the supernatural. Alas, the supernatural is best discussed in the Cigar Lounge (hmmm…
, but there’s no denying that we like crossing the supernatural. We also go absolutely bat shit for magic. There’s no way to explain it, because we all know that its complete bull shit when it’s performed, yet we’re still so fixated when it actually happens. A good magician gets us to suspend our belief, and really make us believe that they have, indeed, conquered all of the dark arts. And if that is the case in our society, to say our next inductee failed to get us to suspend our disbelief is about as ludicrous as saying this gimmick got over. This gimmick would become the grand pappy of gimmicks such as The Boogeyman and Damien Demento (I think he may be coming soon as an exhibit… That is, if Demento won’t do a rant on me on the fucking internet), and was one of the first to also include magic into his actual matches. Filled with dark powers, this sinister man debuted in The WWE with plenty of fanfare. But, when it was all said and done, the gimmick wound up being an absolute bust, and a first ballot inductee into the JTMFTG, to be sure. And alas, here we are tonight, to pay homage to one of the absolute worst gimmicks in the history of the WWE;
Papa Shango
What Was It: Now, as has become customary here, before we actually begin to go into the gimmick, I feel it's only fair to go into the actual wrestler, just to prove that the man actually had some sort of a career, before the gimmick we're inducting absolutely crippled it. However, actually, what's funny about this wrestler, Charles Wright, was that after this gimmick had played out and completely annoyed the fans, Vince brought this man back on multiple occasions, reinventing him as:
A. A supreme fighting machine
B. A militant black man, part of a militant black group
C. A pimp
D. A reformed pimp, who worked towards censorship of television
That's quite the lifespan to have this man go through, now wasn't it? Yet, all of these gimmicks, with the exception of that damn Godfather, had one thing in common, besides the actual wrestler; absolutely none of them got over. Shit, even The Godfather only got over because of his "Ho's". It wasn't like the man was a great wrestler, or for that matter, even a halfway decent wrestler, and his promo skills were mediocre, at best. So, what, really, gave this man even half of the career that he probably deserved? Well, simply put, the man was a part of the BSK (Backstage Krew), which was headed up by The Undertaker. And any time that you have The Undertaker on your side, you’re probably guaranteed that you’ll have either a job, or a big time promotion. Even now, if you look at the WWE, there are perfect examples of such a thing…
Right… Because she’s talented… Anyway, no, it wasn’t like The Undertaker actually got Charles a job in the WWE, as he obviously didn’t have the backstage pull then that he currently possesses. Charles actually got a job with the WWE while working in the USWA, under the gimmick, “Soul Taker”. With his limited move set, he really didn’t have much going for him, except for one thing; he was huge. And with that girth came an intimidation factor, which, for some reason, seemed to attract Vince. Of course, Vince actually had The Undertaker on his roster at the time, so Charles was going to have to go through a complete gimmick overhaul. At first, the WWE portrayed the man as “Sir Charles, an obvious play on Charles Barkley, but that ultimately went nowhere. I assure you, though, once WWE had Charles in their clutches, he probably wished they did stick with Sir Charles, as there’s absolutely no way he could have expected what was going to happen to him next.
The WWE portrayed him as “Papa Shango”, which was based off the Bond villain, Baron Samedi. Now, seeing as how I’d never seen the movie “Live and Let Die” myself, I had to make sure that someone else actually thought this was a good idea for a villain, and created a character like Papa Shango, in the hopes that audiences liked it. And yet, it was true, that someone else had actually thought this would be a good idea for a movie character. See, here’s the evidence:
So, if I can at least take some solace in this case, it’s in the fact that Vince was not the only man that actually believed in this character. Unfortunately, Vince seemed to forget two things:
1. That, again, film makers have the backing of editing and special effects behind them, and in contrast, as seen in the case of Glacier, wrestlers don’t have those same benefits.
2. Just because you saw the gimmick in a movie doesn’t make it any less stupid than it already is. It’s still a stupid gimmick; all it means is that one or two extra people might agree with you that creating this character is a good thing.
And, thus Vince had his basic creation for Papa Shango down; a shaman who was capable of casting spells upon his opponents, and winning his matches via magic. Some of this magic might include lighting his opponent’s fire on feet, or having a black ooze bleed from the wrestlers. He cursed many a wrestler, and was simply a flat out odd sight to see. He would go to convulsions during promos, carried a smoking skull to the ring, painted a skull on his face, and had a fairly bad ass cape added to him as well. Oh, and he also had a top hat, too, just in case you didn’t get that he was a witch doctor. Hell, let’s take a look at this man’s promos, just we can see just how ridiculous (and atrocious) this character really was.
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And that utter silence you heard, folks, was the sound of fans not giving a shit whatsoever. Still, Vince thought this would work, giving the man ample promo time, and placing him, in his big angle, against one of the biggest names in the WWE, The Ultimate Warrior. Hell, the plan for Shango was to have him interfere in the main event at Wrestlemania VIII, Hulk Hogan and Sid Justice. This would have been a tremendous splash for Papa, and would have probably shot him right into the main event. His first major act in the WWE was interfering in the biggest match at the biggest card of the year, and he was actually going to get heat on Hulk Hogan.
The only problem was, his first major act in the WWE happened to be botched, as well. In what can only be described as an utterly bone headed move, Shango missed his cue, and was late for his run in. It caused for a huge faux pas in the Hogan- Sid match, and even forced something that had never been seen to this time in the WWE; Sid Justice actually kicked out of the Hulk Hogan leg drop.
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Oh, how I love that gopher indeed. Anyway, yeah, Sid had to stall out more time for Papa to make it down the ring, and to do so, he had to kick out of the Hogan leg drop. What could only be described as a complete clusterfuck ensued. Everyone was confused as to where the fuck Papa was, so they decided to just wing it, and have Harvey disqualify Sid. And then, after about a good minute of confusion, Papa finally came out, and The Warrior came to help his good friend, Hulk Hogan. It might have made for the worst ending of Wrestlemania this side of Triple H- Randy Orton, and left a lot of people just really confused.
And that would go on to be how people felt about Papa Shango; utterly confused. His gimmick was one complete cluster fuck of magic, with no one knowing what was going on, nor anyone taking the man seriously. Hell, one time he made the Warrior puke, and no one knew how to take it. I mean, sure, it was the Warrior, but absolutely no one took it seriously, nor should they have.
And speaking of that Shango-Warrior feud, let’s now go to the
Match of Ineptitude. First, let’s go to the aforementioned puking incident, to show how remarkably unbelievable this shit actually was. Then, we’ll take you directly between the match between Papa Shango, and The Ultimate Warrior. This should tell you just how far this feud went; these two went from being involved in the Wrestlemania main event, to having been placed on Coliseum Home Video.
Why it Failed: First, let’s discuss the obvious of the ridiculous nature of the gimmick. And, believe it or not, I don’t blame the actual gimmick of Papa Shango. Wrestlers have used magic in the past to get over, and the supernatural is often placed in the wrestling world. Just look at wrestlers such as The Undertaker and Kane. Sure, for every Undertaker, you have a Gangrel (Hmm…. Gangrel? Sounds like an interesting topic to me.), but it’s surely not a new occurrence to watch magic work in professional wrestling. The Undertaker has surely done things far more ridiculous in his long and storied career, and while some things have been completely ridiculous, some have definitely had us marking the fuck out. Now, I’ll be the first to say Papa’s gimmick had some instances that were completely cartoony, and things that were completely unbelievable. But let’s be honest, it’s not like the man was reinventing the wheel by doing something cartoony. As a matter of fact, if Papa Shango ever was going to succeed, this would have been the era it would have worked in, and probably only this era. At this time, there were cartoon caricatures making names for themselves, and who’s not to say that Shango didn’t fit any more than any other bad gimmick at this period. There were certainly far worse gimmicks thrown around (Cough… Nailz… Bezerker), and I feel that if Shango had done nearly as many bad gimmicky things, he might have had a chance. Having said that, the amount of gimmick that he relied on was completely unwarranted. He based any ability to get over on these gimmicks, and when people stopped buying into them, we simply stopped caring.
But, then again, it’s not like Shango had much else to go by. The fact that he was a mediocre worker at best, and a poor promo man, at worst. Now, I know what I might hear you say,
“But, Tenta, you had a promo on here not but a couple paragraphs ago, and that wasn’t too poorly done.”
Well, then… Let’s take a look at this promo, done by Bezerker, Shango, Warrior, and The Undertaker. My lord, your brain might explode from the utter crap that is this promo. But maybe, by beholding this promo, you will be consumed, and infested, by all that is mighty and powerful, by the great gods of the sky, and the flowing power of the Warrior!!!!... Ahem, or some shit like that.
You notice something there? Why, yes, he did repeat almost exactly what he said in his promo with Mean Gene. Don’t believe me? Watch the two back to back, and you’ll see I’m correct. Just take a good look there. I understand repeating a catch phrase here and there, but not a whole promo written and scripted at once. I’ve heard some pretty lame attempts at getting away with repetition, but anyone that repeats a promo, word for word, can’t really be that good, at all. Plus, coupled with the fact that he was a piss poor worker, and you have just a bad hand. I mean, have you ever noticed how many rest holds go into a Charles Wright match? I’m not saying that every match has to be a five star classic. But for Christ sakes, for someone that’s been in the ring for twelve years, you’d think he had some semblance of being able to put together a match. His matches were flat out tedious, at best, and when he wasn’t allowed to use his magic, absolutely nobody cared about his matches. As long as he didn’t have tricks and tips to pull out of his butt, he amounted to pretty much a big fat pile of nothing on the mic, or in the ring. In short, Vince put all of that gimmick around him, for a reason; because he knew that without all that dark magic, Charles Wright amounted to a pretty uninteresting guy in the ring.
But then again, there does seem to be something that added to Shango’s fall… Namely, this man;
Simply put, this man was in creative control, and decided a lot of what Shango did. To say Warrior's plans were half brained... Well, it would insinuate Warrior had half a brain to begin with. The fact is that this was a lot of Warrior's failed ideas, and his feeling that anyone that had to put into a feud with him needed magic powers and shit. Thus, Papa Shango severely suffered, and was placed with a ton of shit that I do not envy for having been placed on him. Which, to some extent leads us to
The Moment of Saving Grace: People realized just how far out Warrior’s ideas were, and his ideas were completely thrown out by creative. Sure, he would have a bit more say from then on, such as nixing a heel turn. However, for the most part, Warrior’s creativity was placed heavily under question, and the WWE realized that this man was probably on drugs, and far too many drugs to count. Either than that, I really do struggle to find a positive thing amongst this. If you can name me something good about Papa Shango, I’d love to hear it. To me, all it did was place a below average worker into the ranks of WWE, and because of his friendship with the Undertaker, he was kept around for some gimmicks that he probably shouldn’t have. I utterly hated The Godfather (I know I’m in the minority, there. So what. It was tasteless to me, and I hated the idea of him bringing “ho’s” to the ring. That, I feel, was just completely degrading, and actually made me feel a bit dirty for having watched it.) and I disliked all that Charles Wright “brought” to the WWE. In the meantime, though, we see fit to induct Papa Shango, the worst of his gimmicks into the
John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Please, join me tomorrow, as we go into detail on the next failed gimmick:
The New Blood: May the Bleeding Hearts Die
See ya.
