Yes, I am stoned.
It all began on one night on Wrestlezone when Henhouse once again got a damn infraction for spamming. "It's not spam, it's surprise sex." He said as he attempted to reason with It's Damn Real and the other people whose names escape me. "I'm sorry, [Insert Racial Slur]. It's just not politically correct."
Continuing to stare blankly at the screen, contemplating my existence...a thought strikes me. These damn non-noobs who think they own the place just because they have cool sigs and own the place ought to be taken down a peg.
I gathered my fellow noobs, WwEFan6 and Cenasucks became my closest allies. We drew up battle plans for the campaign. We would defeat these non-noobs and usher in a new reign OF NOOBNESS. Basing our strategic formula on the TNA's Creative Plans, we decided we must out-noob everyone to the point that they burst into tears.
Then we decided it would be easier and more fun to just rip out their organs.
We decided to slowly move down the forums. With a simple removal of clothing, Big Nick Dudley became know as Nick Dudley. We stole George Steele's Barber's Clarinet and used it on Nate, instantly turning him into Heath Slater.
We then proceeded to hammer Jack-Hammer with Jack Daniels until he got himself banned from the forums...by none other than It's Damn Real.
I met It's Damn Real at the top of the Crave Online's Tower Of Evil. I had crushed his minions and now we stood face to face.
"Listen, It's." I began, drawing my sword of destiny. "I understand it's a difficult task moderating the TNA forums. But that doesn't change things between us."
It's Damn Real nodded in solemn agreement as he drew his Axe Of Testicular Fortitude.
It was great, fierce battle that lasted twelve point five miliseconds. With his intestines falling out, I quickly tied a noose around IDR and threw him off the roof because I don't like tying knots.
Little did I know, IDR's super-human powers had disabled my killing abilities for one turn, and he had now left the battlefield and would be waiting for the opportune moment to strike. But hey, I got his Blue Eyes White Dragon...albeit from Toon World.
The other moderators were dismantled with ease, though the cleaning up after JGlass' death was rather tedious. The only real problems we had were when we entered the music forums, they blasted indy songs very loud whilst also chanting "ROH ROH ROH". We Noobs were familiar with neither.
The MMA and Boxing forums were pretty tough too, people tried to bite off our ears and Kimbo Slice showed us some of his moves...*shudder*
By the time we got the Bar Room, we knew we almost had the forums won. Little did we know the Bar Room contained the most fearsome warriors of all....The Bar Room People. These sacred elders know all there is to know. They know CM Punk's win/loss record off by heart, they know how many times the letter F has been used in a description of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling and they know the location of Kelly Kelly's fourth nipple.
They unleashed several waves off trolls, and in my wounded state (the cigar burns from that damn lounge had taken their toll) I found myself unable to fight them off.
Then came my hero, half man half beast, the centaur that is MARK MADDEN. Wielding his microphone of justice, he hacked his way through the trolls.
Soon, we had reached the actual Bar Room people, IrishCanadian was eaten alive by John Cena critics whilst the Ryder fans had Steev cornered and were spiking his hair.
Miz In My Pants was...on the wrong forum so we directed him back to XWA/Wrestling United/Spam The Fuck Out Of My E-Mail Account.
In a battle too gory even for the Bar Room, we were victorious. After a brief scene with WwEfan6, myself, Mark Madden and Cenasucks on horseback saying how the war for Gondor is over...the war for Middle Earth has just begun, we patrolled our newfound territory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8R9GiLImSw
We elected Mark Madden High Admin of Adminness and I logged on the next day dismayed to discover the following posts.
Cena Sucks by Cenasucks
TNA is like WCW but it's not by WwEfan6
WTF, IT'S JUST WRESTLING! by Vince Russo
Y TEH ZAK RIDER H8ERZ GON? by RihtorikalKwestion
When I was ten, I killed a T-Rex... by Ric Flair
I immediately contacted Mark Madden about the lack of interesting threads, he agreed with me, although I knew in 10 years he would bitch about me on a radio show. I discovered that all fans under twelve could no longer post on Wrestlezone. At the ripe old age of 54, I still felt I had a lot of things I could give to the younger fans, but Madden did not agree.
Long Island Iced D, who had managed to escape with his epicness intact, contacted me and told me that he and It's Damn Real were forming a group to retake Wrestlezone Forums.
"If It's Damn Real is forming an army, then I want to fight."
"Well, what's your name? Wizard boy?" Iced D replied.
"Wizard boy? But I can't be, I'm just Harry."
"Well, Just Harry. You're a Wizard, Harry."
"But I'm Just Harry."
"You're a Wizard, Harry."
"But I'm Just Harry."
"Alright, shut the fuck up and get in my van."
I was taken to the headquarters of the resistance.
"You will have to regain my trust, young spammawan." IDR said to me as we stood in the Council Chambers.
"I am the Chosen One." I replied.
"We will slowly but surely mount a guerilla war that shall lead to the eventual destruction of the Emperor Madden himself."
"How long will this take, Master?"
"Approximately fifty years."
"Yeah...no."
So I left, built a time machine, and went back in time to before the noob revolution and all was well with the world. To prevent such a noob uprising ever happening again, I have posted this to remind all of you that if you are a noob considering the slaughter of your superiors...please don't.
It all began on one night on Wrestlezone when Henhouse once again got a damn infraction for spamming. "It's not spam, it's surprise sex." He said as he attempted to reason with It's Damn Real and the other people whose names escape me. "I'm sorry, [Insert Racial Slur]. It's just not politically correct."
Continuing to stare blankly at the screen, contemplating my existence...a thought strikes me. These damn non-noobs who think they own the place just because they have cool sigs and own the place ought to be taken down a peg.
I gathered my fellow noobs, WwEFan6 and Cenasucks became my closest allies. We drew up battle plans for the campaign. We would defeat these non-noobs and usher in a new reign OF NOOBNESS. Basing our strategic formula on the TNA's Creative Plans, we decided we must out-noob everyone to the point that they burst into tears.
Then we decided it would be easier and more fun to just rip out their organs.
We decided to slowly move down the forums. With a simple removal of clothing, Big Nick Dudley became know as Nick Dudley. We stole George Steele's Barber's Clarinet and used it on Nate, instantly turning him into Heath Slater.
We then proceeded to hammer Jack-Hammer with Jack Daniels until he got himself banned from the forums...by none other than It's Damn Real.
I met It's Damn Real at the top of the Crave Online's Tower Of Evil. I had crushed his minions and now we stood face to face.
"Listen, It's." I began, drawing my sword of destiny. "I understand it's a difficult task moderating the TNA forums. But that doesn't change things between us."
It's Damn Real nodded in solemn agreement as he drew his Axe Of Testicular Fortitude.
It was great, fierce battle that lasted twelve point five miliseconds. With his intestines falling out, I quickly tied a noose around IDR and threw him off the roof because I don't like tying knots.
Little did I know, IDR's super-human powers had disabled my killing abilities for one turn, and he had now left the battlefield and would be waiting for the opportune moment to strike. But hey, I got his Blue Eyes White Dragon...albeit from Toon World.
The other moderators were dismantled with ease, though the cleaning up after JGlass' death was rather tedious. The only real problems we had were when we entered the music forums, they blasted indy songs very loud whilst also chanting "ROH ROH ROH". We Noobs were familiar with neither.
The MMA and Boxing forums were pretty tough too, people tried to bite off our ears and Kimbo Slice showed us some of his moves...*shudder*
By the time we got the Bar Room, we knew we almost had the forums won. Little did we know the Bar Room contained the most fearsome warriors of all....The Bar Room People. These sacred elders know all there is to know. They know CM Punk's win/loss record off by heart, they know how many times the letter F has been used in a description of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling and they know the location of Kelly Kelly's fourth nipple.
They unleashed several waves off trolls, and in my wounded state (the cigar burns from that damn lounge had taken their toll) I found myself unable to fight them off.
Then came my hero, half man half beast, the centaur that is MARK MADDEN. Wielding his microphone of justice, he hacked his way through the trolls.
Soon, we had reached the actual Bar Room people, IrishCanadian was eaten alive by John Cena critics whilst the Ryder fans had Steev cornered and were spiking his hair.
Miz In My Pants was...on the wrong forum so we directed him back to XWA/Wrestling United/Spam The Fuck Out Of My E-Mail Account.
In a battle too gory even for the Bar Room, we were victorious. After a brief scene with WwEfan6, myself, Mark Madden and Cenasucks on horseback saying how the war for Gondor is over...the war for Middle Earth has just begun, we patrolled our newfound territory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8R9GiLImSw
We elected Mark Madden High Admin of Adminness and I logged on the next day dismayed to discover the following posts.
Cena Sucks by Cenasucks
TNA is like WCW but it's not by WwEfan6
WTF, IT'S JUST WRESTLING! by Vince Russo
Y TEH ZAK RIDER H8ERZ GON? by RihtorikalKwestion
When I was ten, I killed a T-Rex... by Ric Flair
I immediately contacted Mark Madden about the lack of interesting threads, he agreed with me, although I knew in 10 years he would bitch about me on a radio show. I discovered that all fans under twelve could no longer post on Wrestlezone. At the ripe old age of 54, I still felt I had a lot of things I could give to the younger fans, but Madden did not agree.
Long Island Iced D, who had managed to escape with his epicness intact, contacted me and told me that he and It's Damn Real were forming a group to retake Wrestlezone Forums.
"If It's Damn Real is forming an army, then I want to fight."
"Well, what's your name? Wizard boy?" Iced D replied.
"Wizard boy? But I can't be, I'm just Harry."
"Well, Just Harry. You're a Wizard, Harry."
"But I'm Just Harry."
"You're a Wizard, Harry."
"But I'm Just Harry."
"Alright, shut the fuck up and get in my van."
I was taken to the headquarters of the resistance.
"You will have to regain my trust, young spammawan." IDR said to me as we stood in the Council Chambers.
"I am the Chosen One." I replied.
"We will slowly but surely mount a guerilla war that shall lead to the eventual destruction of the Emperor Madden himself."
"How long will this take, Master?"
"Approximately fifty years."
"Yeah...no."
So I left, built a time machine, and went back in time to before the noob revolution and all was well with the world. To prevent such a noob uprising ever happening again, I have posted this to remind all of you that if you are a noob considering the slaughter of your superiors...please don't.
