RP Feedback Thread

[Dirk]

Blade/ Blade
*The new narrative style you're doing is great, as it adds so much to the story's tone.
*What's up with Blade? Why is he so on edge? Is he paranoid? Is he drunk? Ahh, he's worried about the merch he stole. This was an interesting way to make Blade more human, something creative recommended.
*Becky's bio says that she tends to drift off during interviews and she genuinely cares about the wrestlers, yet a lot of RP's have her pegged as some sort of femme fatale. You, on the other hand, did a good job of keeping her like I feel she's meant to be.
*Making Blade even more relatable, you add the estranged brother, who's a slightly more "Hoireesh" than Blade. Very believable dialogue between the two. I just hope this isn't a set-up for a Blade heel turn. Blade using the reappropriated merch before giving it out adds to this concern...
*Blade didn't want to talk about Wasabi to Becky or about Izzy to Mark. While it makes perfect sense, it did strike me as a bit of an easy way around not mentioning it when I read it the second time.
*The focus of the RP was emotion and you did a great job of opening up the character's feelings. Description-wise, however, I feel like while you put me right inside Blade's room, you only let me peer through the bar's window.

Corvus / Meeks
*Dark, gritty and edgy as fuck. If you pick Sting as a rep and "Crow" as your name, this is the only way to go. Love it!
*Also set in Seattle, where Cobain blew his brains out. I thought you should mention it, but actually that could be cliché, plus you alluded to it with "home of grunge rock". Very nice touch!
*Tony is hell-bent on justice (or even vengeance, depending how you look at it). I think we have a case of lawful-neutral vs evil here, which is badass, but I just feel that given Corvus's state of mind, debuting as a heel could've worked better, maybe.
*I liked how you explained the mask, it was a great line. Overall, the choice of the first person narrator works very well in your case. Corvus doesn't say much and third person would paint him as too mysterious. First person gives me a feel of a tormented anti-hero.
*Whoops, a little formatting error. No biggie, though. Followed by a great promo (as always). Really intense.
*I feel I know exactly who Corvus is now. I like the backstory and it's good motivation, but for me Corvus's biggest selling point is how brooding and dark he is.

 

[Барбоса]

Barbosa's Random Feedback

Infiniti - Vega

This was great stuff. I loved the mirroring of Barbosa's jumping between characters with the font (is that more gimmick infringement or just another instance of JGlass's comment that Barbosa is a good character to RP against?), particularly the anger that Vega feels about the glass ceiling that he cannot seem to smash through no matter how many obstacles he overcomes. It works perfectly with the situation he finds himself in having been left out of the tournament, although as people have already mentioned, such truth-telling can come across as anti-heroish and if you have no plans to turn Vega face, that could be slightly detrimental.

However, for me, if there is one major thing holding this piece back, it is its length. It is almost twice as long as it really needed to be. There are large chunks of text that really do not need to be there at all. I know you have a backstory to tell and set up but I feel a similar, simple interview like I did with Smoker Barbosa this round would have worked perfectly - striping away the extras but still allowing Vega to vent his spleen on everything.

That breaking with your usual style of RPing would not only have removed significant sections of the text that bloat the world count and little more (in some cases they actually detract from Vega's rant), it would have added another level to the demonstration of Vega's annoyance at his situation.

Could being overly long work against you in the outcome of the match? It might lose you a vote or two but I think you have done enough to win.

 

[Dirk]

Theron Daggershield / Dagger

* First, let's get this out of the way: There's an NPC-thread "backstage", so that you don't have to include your companions in each... quest, I guess. I'm a huge fan of D&D-style games. There's a shit ton of things you can do with it. Leading a band of pieced-together adventurers is also a very good way to establish Theron as a hero. I just don't know if everybody will know what a "tiefling" or "asimaar" is. Davivel, for example, is an odd character - dwarves, more renowned for battle and masonry (and a dark dwarf at that, typically evil) joining the clergy? No doubt there's an elaborate backstory for each character and I'd very much like to see it.

* The classes and races are cool and everything, but we've JUST had to get used to five completely new characters and you drop four more on us? It's a little confusing (compounded by the exotic names) especially since you told us they're disappearing anyway, so why would we invest in them? It's ambitious, but hard to follow.

* At the end of Theron's flashback is when the tale REALLY picks up. The (remaining) heroes get characterised and there is a glimpse of the relationship between Theron and the drow.

* Converting the party-dynamic into the real world I thought was a brilliant twist. Perhaps you could've let the reader figure out which person plays which role using the colour alone, but then again, it's better to be clear about things.

* It's very good that Austin / Keisafar acts as a foil to Shaun/ Theron - it's always annoying when the hero has lots of friends and they jerk him off through the entire story.

* Good job, overall. I was really drawn in and the dynamic in the group already started to make sense to me. Glad to have you aboard, it's an excellent debut RP.


Joey Sexton / SOS

* That opening vignette was beautiful - over-the-top, hammy, corny fun. Loved every bit of it.

* The laughs just keep on coming. I love this mischievious little shite Joey Sexton. The only complaint I have about it is it reminds me a whole lot of the schtick of a little green wrestler, in the sense that Joey comes across as a another small guy with a big ego and temper.

* Talking to yourself in a mirror is hardly the most original idea in the world, but Joey is just so damn charismatic while doing it that it didn't bother me.

* I think Joey's take on why he needs to win is very fresh - the company needs to sell and sex sells. Those sunglasses and zebra undies were priceless, too!

* The transitions from wacky sleaze to serious backstory-character development were a little sudden, though. One criticism against comedy characters is that it's just a couple of silly laughs with no real story. This isn't the case here. You have a man, Skip Rogers, who's in denial about who he is, he's at odds with himself and compensating with this Sexton persona. That's great, but I'd suggest that you maybe try to find a gentler way to guide the reader from laughs to intrigue.

* Another great, great debut RP. I love this kind of humour. Welcome to the fed.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Feedback round 2:

Dr. Zeus

Fantastic RP as always. The sad thing about giving you feedback, is I really never see anything wrong with your RP's. Honestly. You are in my top 3 RP'ers still active in the fed today, and this RP shows why. Great work.

Dagger

The hardest part about debuting in the fed (or in mine, Dave's and Remix's case) introducing a new character is developing an introductory story. Why does character X want to be here? What are his motives? That sort of thing. I feel like you hit these topics well with your RP. The D&D type setting is something I personally haven't seen before, but I liked it none the less. A solid RP. Welcome to the fed!

 

[Beastmode 24]

Round 3, bitches.

Saboteur/JGlass

Ever since I've been involved with WZCW, your RP's have been involved some sort of story with Saxton. From feuding with him over a Bam Bam spoon to going to China, your RP's have always told a story along with Doc's, even if you guys weren't teaming up. Honestly, I thought that him leaving the fed would hurt you somehow, and...

I was wrong.

This RP was fucking brilliant man. I'm not saying that because you're on creative. I'm saying that because it's the truth. The story was unbelievably outlandish, which naturally makes it logical to Saboteur. I mean come on man. Whoopi Goldberg? That's so crazy that it works.

I don't see any grammar or spelling issues, so this is probably my favorite RP from you ever. Outstanding job.

Ricky Runn/Pancake

This is probably my least favorite RP this round. I hate to say it about you, Pancake because you've always been my boy, but I hate the yolo/swag wanna be rapper guy gimmick. You're trying to make it work, but I do not like it.

The RP was ok, I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, but damn man, Ricky sounds like an idiot right now.

I get where you want to go, but I'm not a fan. Sorry man.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Round 4:

Dustin Hunter/Nightmare
This was a really solid RP. Clearly teaming with Chris KO benefitted you this round.
The only setback I see is it's sort of short for my liking. I feel like you could've expanded further in regards to Dustin wanting to attack Chris. Overall, a really good job this round.

Grizzly Bob/Da Bear
Congratulations! You win!
Seriously though, this was a good RP, but I don't think I'll ever see a bad Grizzly RP.
From storytelling to formatting, everything was as good at it could've been, which is really good. Great work buddy.

Vega/Infinity
There's a reason you've been Mayhem champ this long, and this shows exactly why.
Unlike Barbosa, I think this RP was as long as it needed to be, and I think that beating Barbosa (which you have am extremely good chance doing this round) is what you need to break through to the next level. This was your chance to Really prove yourself, and you did. Great work.

 

[Infinity]

Barbosa's Random Feedback

Infiniti - Vega

This was great stuff. I loved the mirroring of Barbosa's jumping between characters with the font (is that more gimmick infringement or just another instance of JGlass's comment that Barbosa is a good character to RP against?), particularly the anger that Vega feels about the glass ceiling that he cannot seem to smash through no matter how many obstacles he overcomes. It works perfectly with the situation he finds himself in having been left out of the tournament, although as people have already mentioned, such truth-telling can come across as anti-heroish and if you have no plans to turn Vega face, that could be slightly detrimental.

However, for me, if there is one major thing holding this piece back, it is its length. It is almost twice as long as it really needed to be. There are large chunks of text that really do not need to be there at all. I know you have a backstory to tell and set up but I feel a similar, simple interview like I did with Smoker Barbosa this round would have worked perfectly - striping away the extras but still allowing Vega to vent his spleen on everything.

That breaking with your usual style of RPing would not only have removed significant sections of the text that bloat the world count and little more (in some cases they actually detract from Vega's rant), it would have added another level to the demonstration of Vega's annoyance at his situation.

Could being overly long work against you in the outcome of the match? It might lose you a vote or two but I think you have done enough to win.

I hear you about the length. I think it's the next big thing I need to work on in order to break the proverbial glass ceiling. I think I've finally started getting a grasp of cutting out too much back story and focusing more on opponents or story lines as opposed to Vega's past life... so perhaps being more succinct should be the next problem I fix.

The mirroring of Barbosa's three persona's was very much on purpose, but not as much gimmick stealing as it was perhaps gimmick tampering? If that makes sense... my goal was to show Vega's capability in reaching extreme highs and lows as you do with The Depressive, The Manic, and The Smoker, but having them all happen one after the other as opposed to the same time. As for you being somebody good to RP against... maybe, but I think I had an easy time coming up with stuff to say simply because of this mini perfect storm of "unfairness" thrown my way with my victory at KC not being spoken about much, and then being left out of the tournament that is losing big names left and right. (I put unfair in quotes because I cannot stress this enough... I am totally fine with this now. Vega, the character, is not.)

The only thing I'm a little confused about is that I didn't have any back story in this RP... except for a brief Alexis being left alone during vacation bit, which set up the next part. Usually I go on and on about a past mission Vega was on before I ever even mention wrestling. I made sure to not do that this round. You're far too important of an opponent to be distracted from.


I truly appreciate the feedback from you... especially considering the circumstances and all (us being opponents), so it means a lot. Thanks.

 

[Con T.]

Welp, there's a lot of folk that were promised some feedback for their RP's this entire cycle, so let's get this started. I'll tackle three people now, and an extra two.

Grand Mystique

This one, I felt, filled up a lot gaps that probably needed to be filled weeks ago, especially with Whitman joining TSA. But I can see why this is coming now, when you had a lot you had to pack into Kingdom Come.

I found it curious that there was no mention of the massive blow off that occurred, and the toll that theoretically took on GM. I wouldn't say that's a bad thing at all; after all, it shows a motivation going into later rounds. But, it is a little shocking that there was little mention of it.

This focuses specifically on descriptive writing, which is always pretty darn good. I enjoyed the description of the match between DC and Whitman. I do wish there was a little more dialogue. I was waiting for this RP to tell me something new, really, something I hadn't heard before.

I have a feeling I know who the partner of Amber Warren is. And if it is who I think it is, I dare say this effort makes me uncertain of a victory. I can say that it was well written, but I'm not sure anything got advanced. A good outing, just my great.

Mason Westhoff

The word has been you can do more in 1,000 words than most in more, which I can see. But I do think for this round, this lacked a little direction. It certainly tied up some lose ends, but it also didn't talk about the match at hand as much as I would have liked. It does seem a little odd that Mason interrupted a sermon just for Becky to conduct an interview. That was a little strange for me.

That said, I think this was enough for the win. The writing was crisp here, the important spots were noted, and the match was brought up. I think that it will pass for this round, but I doubt it will in the next round. I think you'll have to ramp up the game. But for now, I'd say this was fairly solid.

Vega

So... Not a fan of Zeus, eh?

This was frankly my favorite RP of the round, and it was fantastic. I think you proved exactly what you sought out to, that frankly you are beyond the limitations of your division. But we already knew that, and you didn't come to me for ass pats, as I intimated earlier. So...


The transition to all three stages of Barbosa is brilliant, something I'm shocked people don't take advantage of more. It was brilliant, and took a spin on something we've all become accustomed to. I would call it an interpretation at its best. But I think you were correct that the manic portion went a little long; it wasn't poorly written, but by that point it had overstayed its welcome. But then again, it also got over the sociopathic side of Vega, which often goes understated.

I did sense a little of an issue with the overall message. So, Vega's pissed about not being the tournament. Makes sense, but the problem is, being in the tournament also would have likely given you competition that even now, Vega would be ranked over them. You said it yourself; if you went through the tournament, who would be the biggest win you'd have gotten?

Me? I'm no better than Ace Stevens, the guy you just beat. Justin Cooper? Would that be the win to cement a legacy? (I assume I'm getting JJJ red rep coming my way, so let me be specific; is that a main event caliber opponent now?)

If he were in the tournament, Vega wouldn't be able to beat the big guns. If anything, being out of the tournament gave Vega more of a chance to show how great he can be. Granted, you could argue that all the champions should have been in, but let's not do this against

But that's all quibbles. Vega is at his best when enraged, and this was perfect. It was violent, without any actual violence. It was threatening, it was unhinged, it was everything you'd have to be to beat Barbosa.

And I wouldn't be shocked to see that happen, in the least.

Corvus

Having him in first person is great; I really love getting into his head. It also gives me a chance to know what he's thinking, and spares you having to make him speak a lot. That's pretty crucial to a character like this; he had to speak little, and every word has to make an impact. Well, how do you do that in an RP that needs talking? This is the way to do it; let us into the mind, let us know what he's thinking. Great!

I'm already more interested in this character than Derek Jacobs. He's dark, but isn't depressing. He's vengeful, but he isn't a dick about it. This is a very good start, and a great start to the new run

 

[JGlass]

Bobby Adams

Good RP, good story, good lead character, the rest of the characters were pretty stereotypical. First you have the loyal best friend that is significantly less successful than the main character. Shortly after we’re introduced to their relationship, we’re introduced the blowhard boss who is as loud as he is tactless. And lastly we’re introduced to the overly enthusiastic wife that, while supportive of her husband, doesn’t seem to fully grasp the situation. I’d like to see these three become characters instead of caricatures.

I don’t really have any issue with you “breaking kayfabe,” I thought it was kind of a neat idea to show what type of life Bobby Adams had before he made it to the big time and to show how political and hectic things are backstage at an indy show. The one issue I had is that the other wrestlers seemed to be pissed at Bobby for his success. From what I’ve seen/understand, most wrestlers are happy when one of their own make it to the next level, and while there might be a little jealousy, outright hostility seems like an odd response.

All in all, this was a good RP and I think I can see what you’re trying to do: set-up to tell the tale of Bobby Adams. It has the potential to be a good ride, but I think you need to come up with some better characters and maybe think out the situations more properly.

Fallout

Your writing is quite striking, and as a result it’s quite gripping. At times it feels like it’s a little much for an RP for a fake wrestling company, but that’s hardly a crime.

One thing you did early on in your RP that I didn’t like is that you made us feel for Fallout. Fallout was bullied by a father that wanted to protect his daughter, and you suddenly made Fallout into the victim. It was not befitting of a heel RP.

As good as your scene descriptions and non-character writing are, your dialogue lacks subtlety. The part in the flashback where Fallout starts yelling seemed both forced and ridiculous. Who talks like that? Even the nuttiest professional wrestlers don’t talk like that.

Why the heck would WZCW send a limo to pick up Fallout? How did they know he was at the hotel? Why didn’t he know what his match was already? That whole part didn’t make much sense to me.

This RP was too long. You didn’t need the chauffer AND the interview segment, and the way you segued into the interview portion was boring, and the interview was both awkward and, once again, overkill.

You might want to read up on the WZCW NPCs, because Becky Serra doesn’t scare easy, or at all. She’s too tough to be scared by a deranged lunatic like Fallout. Klamor seems like the type of coward that would shudder in Fallout’s presence.

You clearly have talent in some areas of writing, but your dialogue needs a ton of work. I’d also suggest you read some RPs with interview segments to see how they are done properly. Fallout as a character has plenty of potential, but you also have plenty of room for improvement.

Joey Sexton

I laughed several times at your RP. You have the arrogant to the point of delusion gimmick down pat. I didn’t think the “Most interesting man in the world” parody was all that funny, but I think that was the point, which in turn makes it funny.

Formatting. Seriously. You need to give colors to other people than just Joey. It’s not an RP killer or anything if you don’t, but it looks nicer when you do.

Don’t kiss WZCW NPCs. Any physical interaction with them is generally not cool since we all have to share them, and shit like that is something that would effect their long-term development.

I absolutely loathe when people just throw an nterview segment into their RP for no apparent reason other than to have one. It wasn’t the focus of your RP, and you didn’t really set it up in any significant way, and as such it just comes across as forced, and the interview itself was pretty pointless since it was basically just Sexton repeating the same lines he said before.

Once again, great job with the character, not a great job with everything else. I’m sure you’ll have

Anthony Corvus

Seriously? This is the same guy that wrote shit DJ promo after shit DJ promo?

Perhaps it’s because I read this in Batman’s voice, but this was a damn fine RP, and it’s fairly shocking to see what a dramatic improvement you made from Derek Jacobs to Anthony Corvus.

Again, having an interview for the sake of having an interview is so incredibly obnoxious. Your RP would have been fine if you kept going with the inner monologue of Anthony Corvus and had him think about the same things he said to Leon. In fact, Corvus’ inner dialogue was much more interesting than Corvus’ interview segment. I’d like to see Corvus speak sparingly and only save conversations for when it’s important. Other than that, the silent, brooding vigilante seems to suit Corvus just fine.

Theron Daggershield

It’s not a bad thing that you included the races/classes of your NPCs, but at the same time, realize that it doesn’t mean much to many people.

All the characters seem a bit whimsical, which I suppose is okay given the fact that it’s a fantasy world. Still, it’s a bit disconcerting to see a Necromancer type character being so colorful when most of the time they are sort of gloomy. I can’t decide if you should have stuck to the stereotype or if it was a good thing that you broke the mold. I guess time will tell.

There was one point in your RP where you started talking about battle strategy for the band of misfits. I don’t think this was important, and it was pretty dull.

The non-D&D part of your RP was a major step down. I found the fantasy/adventure portion to be exciting and an interesting story, but the real life portion was possibly one of the dullest things I’ve ever read in WZCW. I’d call it vanilla, but I love vanilla. I’d call it white bread, but white bread serves some purposes for me. It’s more like white bread ice cream. I don’t want it.

My advice to you is this: forget the real life part, focus entirely on the D&D stuff. I know we made you include the real life Shawn Daggers, but you don’t need to bring up his real life. If I were you, I’d try to make the D&D portion of your RPs reflect Shawn Daggers’ thoughts on his match for the week. For instance, this week you could have had Shawn Daggers’ singlehandedly fight off a goblin ambush while his companions were sleeping. If you were to fight, say, Coberer next week, you could have the merry misfits fight a man that transforms into a giant serpent. Then, after you’re done with the D&D portion, cut to Shawn Daggers giving a brief (one-three paragraph) promo about what he learned from the D&D game and how he plans on implementing those lessons in WZCW.

Dr. Coberer

Why does Coberer roll his r’s? Is that part of an English accent from a region I’m not familiar with? Is it something to do with his snake tongue? That’s really my only knock on the VO, it was pretty kickass.

It’s quite obvious you’ve used this character before. I’m not entirely sure how to describe it, but if I had to I’d say your RP reads as more confident than any of the others in this match. It also feels like you are far more familiar with your character than anyone else here.

I really have no criticisms here. I think if you do all of your RPs like this then it might get boring, but you always seem to have something else going on with your characters, so I’m willing to chalk the lack of sub-plot up to this being a debut RP.

 

[Blade]

*sigh* I hate you guys. Let's get to it!


Vega

- On a personal note, I can never take your name seriously thanks to Egoraptor's alternate Mass Effect 3 ending. If you happen to be a fan of the game, check it out. Moving on...

- Now, I've only seen bits and pieces of your RP's since I've been back, so I'm going into this and your sub-plots with a completely clean slate. But first up, your description is excellent. Sets the tone so well without ever feeling like you're trying to explain too much.

- I like the idea of Vega attempting to get into Barbosa's mindset in a way, albeit, this comes off as darker than anything I remember ever reading from Barbosa. With that said, it's not as well executed as it could be, but more on that later.

- I'm actually quite a big fan of fourth wall breaking. But the complaints about the Gold Rush tournament, while they make sense for Vega to be making them, are just like... Eugh. That's not me talking as a member of Creative talking, that's me talking as someone who had to watch the stupid arguing people were making about the no champions rule. It feels like that part of your RP could've been copy and pasted from the discussion thread. Like I said it makes sense for Vega to complain about it, but you could've done it in a more original way, I guess.

- Vega believes so much that he's the very best wrestler in the company. Like, the way you write it almost convinces me. I like that.

- I've always been torn on people's characters thinking they understand Barbosa better than they do. I mean, on the one hand, Vega may just be deluded enough to think he does understand Barbosa. But, he should be smarter than he comes off, smarter than so confidently talking about Barbosa's state of mind. If that makes sense.

- Anyway, still a great a RP. Patience, young Padawan, your opportunity will come.


Grizzly Bob

- I've said it before and I'll say it again, you have such a talent for writing RP's about the most mundane activities and making them entertaining. A freakin' farmer's market, man.

- Why does Bob have a WZCW ticket stub in his wallet? Doesn't he know employees get into WZCW events for free...?

- Usually, when a character gets recognised in an RP by a random stranger in public, it gets criticised. But it works here because we know Bob is essentially a TV star from a small town. And small town folk all know their local celebrities. So it was a good transitional moment in the RP.

- Oh, Grizzly. You sly dog.

- Shit, accidentally closed the tab your RP is open in. BRB.

- Ok, back on track. Drunk Grizzly is always fun. And this time he has someone who can apparently keep up with him. Bob and Deedee have an odd chemistry, ending with that slot innuendo. It's charming, in it's way.

- I don't want to be that guy, but a big, bearded woods dweller carrying a woman over his shoulder into said woods is how a lot of horror movies begin.

- Really good effort. Shame Alhazred wasn't around to write his own.


Bobby Adams

- I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about all this non-kayfabe. I mean, I like the breaking of the fourth wall in some instances, but this is straight up saying that it's all an illusion.

- So what's going to happen in the future? Will we see RP's where Adams is going over his match with Zeus? This is all fictional and kayfabe.

- Ignoring the kayfabe stuff, it could turn into a good underdog story arc. You've always been a solid writer, and this something that is somewhat out of your comfort zone, so I look forward to seeing how it unfolds. But still man, that breaking kayfabe stuff...

- Decent first RP with the new character. Sorry I don't have more to say but, y'know, it's your first new RP.


Anthony Corvus

- Yay, Seattle!

- This comes off as a lot more coherent and less cheesy than your previous RP's with Jacobs. Already an improvement.

- With that said, the dead parents isn't exactly the most original route to take. Everyone has either bad relationships with their parents or no parents anymore.

- But I do like the chip on Corvus' shoulder and the fact that you've straight up given him a mortal enemy. It gives you a lot of backstory and motivation to work with straight off the bat.

- Good promo too, explaining Corvus' MO. You target heels in the promo, but Corvus is still very heel-ish. That could be intentional, but if I was a fan, I wouldn't quite know how to react, y'know?

- Still, very solid RP. Looking forward to reading more.


Mason Westhoff

- Straight to the point as always, huh Thriller?

- I like Westoff's speech about vanquishing Strikeforce. He really seems to see himself as the winner, and the only winner, despite D.C's performance at Kingdom Come. For example: "The Almighty pulled me elsewhere..." This isn't a guy who's part of a team. This is a guy who uses people for his own gain, straight up. Good heel stuff.

- With that said, your promo about the Beard could've been a lot better. This is someone Westoff should be seeing as an absolute joke, considering what he was doing at WZ Weekend. You could absolutely rip into them. Instead, there's just a couple of dismissive lines. Both Theo and The Beard are on a good roll, so they deserved more lines I think.

- It was okay. Not much else to say about it, but then again nor do you


Dustin Hunter

- Hunter is losing it a little bit. Which he should be, considering. I hope this ends up going a lot deeper, with more insight into Hunter's mind, cause there could be a lot of material there.

- The relationship with Azazel is starting to take a bit more shape, I guess. With that said, trying to take out Chris K.O. is just... Stupid advice. K.O. is kind of a dangerous man, not the kind of guy I would use to make a statement. Also, if you're going to try and manufacture you're own feud, Creative will pay attention, but only if you're deserving. Also, you should try to be a bit more subtle.

- There's a lot more you could've said about both your opponents and your partner. A lot of missed opportunities there. You really need to talk more about your opponents, it's something you never do enough of in your RP's.

- Umm, yeah. It was better than your WZ Weekend RP, not your worst effort. But it doesn't feel like you're listening to criticism very much.

 

[Infinity]

Grizzly Bob/Bear Hug

Immediately, one thing jumps out at me while reading this... and it's simply the way you describe the scene and setting. You use amazing imagery when describing Bob's and Deedee's appearance. I enjoy reading poetry. Took a couple of classes in high school and college, worked at a poetry cafe for a while downtown... so I love when people can use imagery effectively. Your description for something as simple as Bob slowly reaching for a treat is what really draws me to liking this RP.

It makes for an interesting and entertaining juxtaposition within your RPs, where you have this... almost poetic way of describing a scene, and then incorporate a very well written redneck dialogue. Well, maybe not redneck... but I'm from NYC... so we tend to believe anything south of Washington D.C. means you're a redneck or something. =P But I digress, it works really well. I believe it can be difficult to pull off an accent on paper, whether it be regional or international. Usually people just say "And he spoke with a thick Russian accent" and just throw in a "comrade" in every now and then. You punctuate your grammar and use enough southern rhetoric in your dialogue that it clearly resonates when I read it.

The only true criticism I would give you is something I've been at fault of doing in the past as well, and that is not really putting too much focus on your match or opponent. It was the only part of the RP that felt like it disn't flow organically. Everything else fell into place nicely to tell a simple, yet enjoyable story of "boy meets girl." The mention of Alhazred and just basically yelling "I'LL SHOW 'EM" fell a little flat for me, though it did clearly show his level of inebriation.

Oh, and at the end, when Deedee passes out... it could be that Grizzly Bob is being a gentleman and giving her a place to sleep more appropriate than the hood of a car... OR.... it could be that Grizzly Bob is turning heel by revealing that he is totally cool with taking drunk, unconscious women back to his cabin and date raping them. That scenario actually made me laugh, so the ending didn't sour anything for me. It was pretty funny either way. Aside from that, and the few instances where a grammatical error was made that could be fixed by a more thorough proof read (I'm guilty of these types of errors too) I'd say this was a solid RP for sure. Had Alhazred RP'd, he has the ability to make this a tough call, and if he were able to have a well written scenario and/or focus on you or the tournament for that matter (which you didn't even mention) then it would be very possible Grizzly Bob could have been a 1st round elimination. Just so you know, I actually thought to myself you'd pull the upset had Drew RPd anyways.


Mikey Stormrage/Yaz

So right away, something threw me off a little bit. When you say that the trunk of the car opened to reveal two men behind the car, does that mean the camera angle, per say, was from inside the trunk? Because the way it came off to me when I read it was that we were seeing the car, the trunk is opened... and the word "reveal" implying that we're about to see what's in the trunk. That confused me just enough to go back and re-read that part like 3 quick times just to see which you were going for. Maybe it's just the usage of that word "reveal," because later on you use it to introduce Ricky Runn. That word implies that something was keeping us from knowing that, like he was wearing a mask or something, but you make no mention of that being the case.

Another thing in your description that made me think twice was Howard's reaction to something stupid Ricky Runn said.

James drops his head onto the roof of his car.​

Right before this you describe Ricky & James as standing behind the car, but now somehow James Howard is able to lean over the opened trunk and smack his head onto the roof of the car... all while never leaving his feet? Then it went from that to you guys already going inside some building and being on Mikey's floor. If you could just add another line in there saying "The pair made their way into an apartment building" or something along those lines, it would have helped progress the scene a little better. I went from picturing the awkward head bump, to "whoa, okay... they're somewhere completely different now." These are very simple mistakes that, if fixed, would help the visualization of your scene a lot more clear to the reader. When the person reading an RP can easily visualize what he's reading, it makes it that much easier and more enjoyable to read.

That being said, I rather enjoyed the dialogue between Runn & Howard very much. Personally, I find the whole Swag thing Ricky is doing to be pretty hilarious... maybe that's because I hear a lot of stupid people speak like that all the time downtown. The banter back and forth flowed seamlessly for me throughout most of the RP. It was only until we got to Ashley and Howard speaking briefly where I felt the conversation feel a little unnatural to me... but not to the point where it felt forced.

The part in the end is perhaps my favorite part of the RP. The language was beautiful, and if that's a sign of things to come for the direction you're taking Mikey in, I'm extremely interested. With the caliber of writing in those two lines in the end alone I think you could be in line for some more W's very soon.

Ultimately, however, this was a more of a set up RP for future RPs you'll put out. It's setting up whatever direction you're taking Mikey in, and I'm interested in seeing where it goes from here. That being said, sometimes "set up" RPs, while working in progressing your story, may not be enough to beat somebody else's RP where more stuff may be going on. I think most people would agree that you dodged a bullet with Sam Smith being out (no offense), but it worked otu well for you because now you have the groundwork laid out for your next RP to progress the story further.


James Howard/Shotaro

Most people write RPs in the third person. This is why I find a well written first person point of view is very refreshing in fedding. That's why I immediately smiled as I began reading your RP. I very much enjoyed the image I had of Howard in a hospital bed looking around in confusion. I also laughed at the brief description of Ricky Runn as a "man-child." Another phrase I absolutely loved was "My whole body was set to detonate at this point." Just a beautiful way of describing anger. I wish I would have thought of that, and now I can never use it because it'd be plagiarizing. God dammit.

The great usage of first person is also a quick way to progress a scene, thus keeping your RP succinct. I'd liken it to a great song that is about 2 minutes and 36 seconds long. You don't really mind the brevity because of how well done the song (or RP) is done. I especially enjoyed the way you quickly broke Howard down emotionally while he was pounding on the door... and then the text. It was great, a quick and simple way to bring James right back up again to end hi strongly in the RP. I loved the ending with him being able to hear Ricky's annoying text tone through the door as well, and smiling. Well done, Shots, through and through. One of my personal favorite RPs of the round.


Theron Daggershield

First impression, I love how you immediately have a color coded character list full with game style pictures. It immediately sets a tone for your RP, which you need to do because of how unique your character is. You need to put the reader in a different kind of world, and this helps. That being said, I'm not into RPGs or those Warcraft style games at all... so the names and powers and stuff that your characters have is kind of foreign to me. It's not really too much of a draw back, though. I'm confused at times when you throw in something like "Necromancer" or "Mystra" because I have no idea what that means. At the same time, maybe we're not supposed to know exactly what that means. If that's the case, then it sets an aura of mystique to your setting. Like when you say Neep is someone's undead pet... I think to myself "oh okay, cool... some little Games of Throne/Walking Dead styled zombie lirewolf or something. Sweet." And then you say it's a flying skull I went "Whoa, wtf? Okay." It was weird, threw me off guard, but in a good way.

Why did Theron kill Neep's brothers? Sounds heelish.

Quick grammatical correction.

He seed that the sun will soon rise.​

What you wanted to do there was use the word "saw." "Saw" is the past tense of "see." "Seed" only makes sense when taking about seeds for a plant or something like that. And "see'd" isn't a word. Just for future reference.

The fantasy portion of the RP, although a bit confusing at times for me because I know nothing of Dungeons & Dragons, is still entertaining enough to read. I do wonder what happened to the other half of your team. The only drawback is that the amount of characters and vastly different and unique, uh... power and species they are? I guess? Anyways, the amount of characters doesn't truly allow me to invest overly in one or the other except for Theron... and maybe the Keifasar dude. For now this is fine because it's just an introduction... but if it continues, then you risk having the reader not care about a majority of the people you're going to involve in your RPs on a round to round basis, and that will work against you. Make sure you make the readers care more about other characters somehowe besides your own.

The real life portion was basically just a bunch of nerdy college kids hanging out. Not much in it. If the point was to show us how into D&D these guys are, then I guess you pulled it off... but after a very involved fantasy portion of your RP, the comedown to real life was a little much. Next time, perhaps something a little more interesting can happen in Shawn Daggers real life so that it won't seem overly mundane compared to his fantasy life. Maybe you could start showing how living the life of a professional wrestler is turning your real life into some real world fantasy of sorts with the crazy characters like Aliens and Robots and insane doctors, and insane situations you're sure to find yourself in once involved in some kind of feud or something. And of course, what a fantasy sword battle or something juxtaposed against the battle that happens inside the ring. The comparison to fantasy and reality is something I hope you take more advantage of in future RPs. I think there is a lot that can be used to your advantage in that. It's almost an untapped source of creativity that nobody in this fed can really do right now, except perhaps Dyno and Miko with how unique their characters are.




Blade... I got you coming up next!

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Blade:

No major issues with the RP here so forgive me if I have nothing negative to say to you, though I will try and find something.

The first part with stealing everything from WZ Weekend got a chuckle out of me, was hoping for something crazy to be in his locker room like the bear from the 3 stages of manliness match or something like that but probably better to keep things realistic as I imagine Blade would have a hard time stealing a live bear.

The story with Blade's brother and nieces could be an interesting path to go down. Hopefully you explain things more here about why his nieces are so close to him in the future though.

The only negative thing I can think of is you didn't make much mention of Toyota besides one or two lines about his recent change in appearance. Maybe you should have talked about the match a bit more and why Blade thinks he'll beat him? Just a suggestion.

Overall this was a good RP though. It'd be interesting to see you advance and have to face Izzy who has bested you twice.

Corvus:

First thing i'm gonna say is the first part needed more formatting IMO. Maybe just more color.

During your interview you had a formatting error with putting blue for your speaking part instead of red. Just thought i'd point that out.

Overall not much else to say besides that. I like the gimmick idea you have here of being the savior of WZCW but not sure how well that's gonna work for you. I wish you luck with it though as well as luck in the battle royal.

 

[Dirk]

Vega / Infinity
*Haven't told you this, but your formatting REALLY grew on me in my short while here. At first I was like "the fuck is this?", but now I wouldn't want it any other way. The soft colours you use mostly give it this vintage film-noir feel to it and actually ties in well with the character.
*Vega's a very deadly conman, so I prefer this type of story with the Deagle (synonymous with lethal things) or burning things to ones about him lounging about, eating corn flakes and verbally abusing poor, poor Alexis. Also (and this is probably explained somewhere in an RP that I haven't read) I've wondered to myself many times why Alexis doesn't just leave Vega and tell him to go fuck himself.
* Yes, like others have said, great idea to mirror the faces of Barbosa, but also explaining the difference between the two. Vega smashing himself like that would probably lead to a concussion, but screw it, I liked it. Also, like mentioned in the podcast, REALLY good rhetoric by moving from "the company doesn't respect me, so they give me X" to "this is unfair, I'm being punished for my success", all the while keeping "nobody hypes me like they should". The snide Zeus parody was also great.
* If I have to have a point of critique, it would be that Vega's complaints could be interpreted as you shooting. <- I thought long and hard about whether I should include this bit, but the deagle was the clincher. It's sublime if we have here a Vega shooting in one sense as well as Infinity in another...
* Really great descriptions, from the scenery to the body language and the emotions to the actions themselves.
* The "must kill" motif - chilling. Having a slightly different nuance each time and coming to a very climactic ending (<-phrasing, I know ) - you actually have me worried that Vega might REALLY kill Barbosa. That would be a crapshoot

 

[Slice]

Grizzly Bob

I'm very curious to see where this goes. I have this image in my head of Deedee, which means your ehm, description, of her, must have been very good.

Speaking of description, you have quite a few awesome bits of it in this RP, this one possibly being my favorite:

Her clear blue eyes bore straight through him from under slightly messy mascara. With her tanned legs slightly more than shoulder-width apart and her hands resting on her shapely hips, the woman strikes an intimidating pose. Her bottle-blonde locks snake past her olive bandanna and her glowing scarlet lips spit out a spent cigarette that gets extinguished by her black leather boot. She strides towards Grizzly and her sleeveless denim top fails to control her jostling chest properly.

Using a sentence secondarily to describe her looks is a really good way to get more information out in a neat and smooth way; makes the RP feel streamlined.

For a few moments the bar comes to a standstill to listen to an impassioned Grizzly. The barman stops polishing the glasses and the other patrons stare at Grizzly. Even the record in the jukebox stops playing.

Deedee: What are y’all lookin’ at?

The bar resumes.

LOL

And on a side note I only now just realized; "DDD" I don't know if that was intentional or not, but well played sir xD

All in all another enjoyable RP, and I like the new character; I can see many fun, ridiculous and awesome scenarios with unfolding with her.

 

[Dave]

Blade

This RP was well-written and somewhat interesting. But I have to be honest and say that the most interesting part of the piece of work was the end. Now, that's not because the first part was terrible or boring, or whatever. But I did feel that the first section of the RP was quite erroneous. The real meat and bones of the RP was the second half and was a welcome look into both the psyche and personal life of Blade.

That said, the first section of the RP was a bit unnecessary if I am being completely honest. If I think about it, I jump to the conclusion that you were using that section to further the character of Robin Hood Blade and in that respect, it worked. But nothing really happened here. You talked with Becky about some missing stuff and then left.

That said, the whole RP was very well written and was a good read. Your writing has always been quite strong and this is another illustration of that. You demonstrated a exemplary use of descriptive writing and really painted the picture of Blade throughout; I really enjoyed that.

The second part of the RP, as I said, was much more interesting and I am hoping that you delve into this side of the character.

Anthony Corvus

This was really good.

Truth be told, I didn't really know what to expect from your new character but you really brought me into the character with this RP. I have to agree with the person that said that the first person telling of this story lends itself to allowing the reader to really understand what is going on in the head of your character.

The writing is strong and has tonnes of impact. I found myself hanging on every word, if I am completely honest. There was only one formatting error that I noticed and it was when Corvus was talking to Leon:

Let me ask you a question, Mr. Kensworth. Remember when Steven Holmes handcuffed Big Dave to the ropes and beat him half to death with brass knuckles? Or how about the times that The New Church or The Sacrificial Altar or whatever they call themselves attacked someone and ended their careers? Or how about how Chris KO goes around claiming that he's the "Savior" of WZCW, but goes around sneak attacking and cheating to win?

This was just the wrong colour. And although it was a small error, I had to re-read the first couple of lines to get my bearing again. One way to sort this could be to tag your dialogue with names like a lot of other people do. That way, even if the format goes wrong people still know who is really speaking.

That said, it was a good first RP that gives a great insight into the history of the character. I like that you say that Corvus “isn't really a fan of wresting”, it makes it seem as though he has a Devil may care attitude and that he is only really there for his own personal brand of justice. I hope that you delve into the history of your character since that is what is driving him forward in his search for punishment and don't lose sight of what is important there.

All in all, a really good piece of work.

 

[Shotaro]

Vega (Inifinity)
I've never really read an RP of yours in any detail before but before I even started reading a few things immediately sprang to mind.


- Length: oh my god your RP is long, seriously long. I copy the RPs I'm giving feedback on into word and it ran to 15(!) pages and almost five and a half thousand words. You commented on the length of mine and compared it to a short 'pop' song. Yours is akin to a full on symphony.
- Formatting: I'm certain you have heard this many, many times but I'll reiterate it for the sake of clarity. Centering text is the worst way to read text, no exceptions. It's fine for the occasional sentence, sub-heading or title but for what amounts to a not-insignificant proportion of a novel? it's horrible. It makes your RP a chore to read regardless of how well it flows. The ONLY time text of that length is acceptable centered is for a script. On a more positive note I like the choice and use of colour. It DOES make the RP difficult to read at points but I feel that it's a conscious choice with symbolic meaning and as other's have said it does as much to set the tone as your descriptions.


Unfortunately some of your choices made your RP very difficult to read. That is not to say it isn't good however. The idea is clever and well done and I like the parallels you draw to the psyche's of Barbosa. Do I think you've done enough to have him beat? Sadly, probably not. Your idea was clever and well executed but if I were voting the formatting and the length are major negatives even if the quality is that high.


Blade (Blade)

Your RP doesn't out-stay it's welcome which is nice, after reading through Vega's extremely lengthy RP. I will be honest there is not a huge amount to say. You do a good job of making Blade a child-like persona when dealing with Becky and make it slightly flirtatious in a non-cloying and irritating way, so kudos for that I guess.


Content wise your RP is fun if not spectacular and I'd like to see a more determined and pious Blade take the fore. Robin Hood was a preachy criminal at best if you think about it logically and that seems to be something you are deliberately avoiding, mostly because it's difficult to make 'that guy' a hero. But it's being told from your perspective and as such you can make it work if you went for it.


Overall a good RP.


Doctor Coberer (Remix)

Ok, I'm going to level with you up front. I hate the vocal RPs, now that's not to say that these aren't magnitudes better than your previous ones but that is just a point of preference more than anything else. From a technical standpoint your audio quality is good enough even if I find your acting skills somewhat lacking. Your work could also use some editing and normalisation as well as a pop-shield and spending twenty minutes in audacity to clean up the audio.


I cannot help but feel like the audio RPs are a crutch that allow you to get away with writing very little. I would like to know what Coberer is doing how he is sat and everything else. The tone of your voice that you put on is less than ideal for conveying emotion and in all honesty I would rather see that same dialogue written and described than hear it read and follow the script myself.


If you're going to continue doing these audio RPs then go all in or stop doing it, it's not that this RP is bad, in fact reading the dialogue works really well, I just feel that the voice adds nothing and gives you an excuse to have no description of any kind.

 

[Shotaro]

Fallout (Fallout)Your RP is pretty good for a debut. I like the character and I feel you do a good job of getting him across. Then you add in these additional sections that are totally unnecessary. You could've just cut out the last half of your RP and it would've lost so little. Your writing is of a good standard ultimately but I can't help but feel like you were trying to cram too many stories into one here and they end up not flowing especially well and making a lot of your RP seem superfluous.


Theron Daggershield (Dagger Dias)

Firstly I love the idea for your character and you make it work. As someone who plays DnD A LOT (enough to recognise that you're almost certainly playing 3.5) I feel like it was a reasonable representation of people I know who play DnD.


On the down side you have too many characters for your story. Way too many. Think of guys like Salvatore, Pratchett or even George RR Martin. They may have 100s of characters but they rarely have more than three or four interacting at any given point and when lots of characters are together each section of story gets proportionally longer. 3,000 ish words and by my count around 10 characters - that's too many to invest in any character in any real manner. It's a shame as what is there is actually pretty good.


Bobby Adams (Dave)

It was about time WZCW had a character like this. I like your RP. There are elements I don't like but several other people have mentioned them already so I won't parrot them here as you've made it clear that this RP is as much a set up as anything else.


I like this RP and I like this character (actually I like him better than Constantine but that's just me) I am looking forward to seeing where you go from here. Good Job Dave!

 

[Viola Moonlight]

This is going to be a three part review of the RP's as seen in the eyes of a creative member. I'll be providing feedback for all the RP's in a single match, comparing them and revealing who I voted for and why. There won't be a detailed analysis of each RP but if I feel the need to critique something important, I'll mention it as a side note. Whoever I voted for will be underlined, by the way.

Fore warning - I may be ruthless but I'm not doing so to spite you. If we can raise the bar for RPing then we all grow together and we can get some really awesome stories happening.

Okay, here we go:

***************************************

Meltdown 92​

Grizzly Bob vs. Mikey Stormrage

This one was pretty simple for me - I wasn't a fan of Mikey Stormrage's RP at all. I get why Stormrage wasn't in the RP as it was to sell the fact that he had disappeared, continuing his story from Kingdom Come. I get that and understand that but the entirety of the RP was promoting James Howard & Ricky Runn. I think there could have been better ways to handle the situation of Mikey disappearing like having him sit in a bar in the middle of nowhere and has a conversation with a fishy individual about his life... but, I was the only person to vote for Grizzly Bob in the match so I'm alone on this opinion. So... why was I alone?

I was reading through the RP and whilst it did allow for character building, there really wasn't a pivotal point in the RP; there was no climax. Any successful RP has a climax somewhere or a point where the RP builds and builds to get to the end result. This... didn't have any and the only thing that I can see being anything close to a climax is Bob stopping everything in the bar but there wasn't enough substance there. If you added a full paragraph, maybe a second... you could have made the climax a little more powerful.

Another thing was the lack of losing to The Beard. It's never good to dwell on the past for too long (you only need to go back to past experiences when necessary) but you lost a big match against the Beard. I at least expected you to refer to losing the title of Most Manliest Man considering that on paper, you fit the description more than the Beard does. That could've easily been fitted into the part where you were talking about Alhazred.

tl;dr - I voted for Bob because I wasn't a fan of how Yaz handled Stormrage this round but I can see why I'm the only person who voted for Bob.


Amber Warren & El Califa vs. Grand Mystique & David Whitman

Again, another simple one for me - I'm sorry Numbers but when I read your RP, I was tempted to instantly vote for the Magnificent Dragons and move on because I disliked your RP that much.

Side note quickly - try not to write matches in your RP that aren't WZCW matches or won't/hasn't happened. It's a red flag for me. I personally hate it. I can oversee formatting mistakes (i.e. I'm lenient on the subject) but when it comes to matches in RP's, I'm super critical.

I understand that you are trying to promote D.C & Whitman in your RP's because your character sees potential - note taken in the kayfabe stance. You are almost like you are stepping back and trying to let the group grow in front of you as if it were Mystique's grand scheme but in doing so, you've weakened the quality of your RP. A quick bit of dialogue between GM & Whitman then transition to a match with a long description as to why the match is important was basically useless. You would have had better chances than throwing up a simple two/three paragraph interview similar to what we write for the shows. It accomplished something but it did no favours for your team in getting the victory for the match. I know Slice & DC are going to be good but don't sacrifice your RP's to promote others. You can do both.

As for Whitman, different story. I quite enjoyed the RP, even if we transcended through time multiple times. The character building may seem too long for a quick scroll but once you start reading it, you really bring these characters to life. The pauses, the interruptions - how you create these character dialogues gets me involved in the RP. I also liked the nice little touch of an epilogue at the end. Something different... but as I said before, I do feel that you will be a star soon and hopefully, the massive backstory in your RP's can become small portions as you adapt to WZCW.

Warren has greatly improved since I read the first RP - you've got Amber's character down well and you've got a grasp in writing her. At this rate, there is only up for you and considering that you've got El Califa by your side to help you, I believe this team is going to work wonders and I can see this team sticking around for a while. Ty is a great RPer but this first RP back as El Califa wasn't what I was expecting. I've seen you write a lot better Ty but since this is the first RP back and you had to explain the backstory, create the story of why Warren/Califa are teaming and get back into the groove, I'll give it a pass. I enjoyed the first team effort, keep it up.

tl;dr - Whitman I felt had a really good RP this round but with Numbers having a poor RP, coupled with the solid team effort displayed by Warren/Califa, I had to give it to the good guys this time. If Number did a good RP, I would've voted for TSA hands down.


Blade vs. Wasabi Toyota

I thought that this was a pretty even match-up between both guys and it came down to the details for me. The final nail in the coffin for me handing Toyota the win was that Toyota's attempts at humour got me laughing where as Blade only got me a snicker. That may sound dumb but the tyre line won me over. I'll explain the other reasons.

Toyota's RP was a nice length and had very good flowing dialogue between Klamor & Toyota. I did enjoy your handling of Klamor as the interviewer and it was a nice mix of getting into the mindset of the new Toyota character and seeing what truly makes him tick this time around. I really don't have any complaints and this is what I call a solid RP. As for Blade, I wasn't really feeling the RP. Don't get me wrong, you did everything that Toyota did (concerning the Lee method of RPing - past, future & character development) but when I was reading the RP, I wasn't feeling the character at all. I tried to envision where this RP was taking me but I couldn't get there. It was hard to try and grasp the situation and really care about Blade. I laughed a couple of times, sure... but I just didn't feel anything between Blade and his brother. It might be me because as I said before, I'm pretty sure I was the only person who voted for Wasabi.

tl;dr - not much to say than Toyota got me invested and Blade didn't.


Barbosa vs. Vega

One of the two matches that required a tie-breaking vote at the very end. It was 3-3 before it became 4-3 for Barbosa so we were hanging out for the votes until the bitter end. Great job by both men, especially Vega which is why I voted for him.

Vega's shoot RP was completely necessary - you had all the pieces of the puzzle right there in front of you and merging it with your character's frustrations just made the entire thing a big explosion of RP goodness. I loved how Alexis tried talking to Vega but he just kept going on his long spiel... which, I can see is what could be a downfall of the RP. The RP was longer than normal but I felt that you had a lot to say and you needed the length to drive home the point. There were a couple of things in there such as Creative being on Dr. Zeus' cock that also led to your demise not because that we didn't like the insult but the fact that you broke kayfabe somewhat to address a serious point. Someone like Saboteur can get away with breaking kayfabe because its funny and in his nature but when it gets to being serious, it doesn't have the same effect. However, all in all, a very long and very good RP. You brought your game against the ever consistent Barbosa.

Speaking of Barbosa and consistency, this RP was nothing different to the performance you've been providing for a very long while. The intricacy of the Barbosa's inside the mind and how Barbosa portrays himself in the real world gives a big dynamic to your RP's. I'm always interested to see what Barbosa says in his mind and in the real world, mixing the two if need be. The handling of each Barbosa and the other characters are always great and honestly, there wasn't anything bad in this RP at all and I can definitely see why you got the victory.

tl;dr - I gave it to Vega because the shoot speech was the right call. Barbosa had an awesome RP though and I'm not sure what Vega could have done other than a shoot to have a shot at winning. Vega's good but against Barbosa on the top of his game? We'll see, I'll guess...

***************************************​

Well, that's me done for the night. I know I missed on Showtime's match but he didn't have an opponent. What do I type - I'm glad you showed up? Or say "That's nice" in Shirley's voice from Community. I might do a standard RP review at the end but I'll skip it for now... which means I'll be skipping Celeste & Isabel's matches too. Sorry.

Ascension is next. Expect that in the next couple of days.

 

[Infinity]

Vega / InfinityAlso (and this is probably explained somewhere in an RP that I haven't read) I've wondered to myself many times why Alexis doesn't just leave Vega and tell him to go fuck himself.

This is a fair question, and one I knew would pop up if I didn't address it early on. I had an RP early on where I showed Vega working against his will as a psuedo black ops kind of hitman for the C.I.A. He knew nothing about his targets, just that he had to eliminate him. Alexis is an ex Interpol agent who went undercover within the Colombian Guerilla, but when Interpol thought she went rogue, they ordered a hit on her, and got the C.I.A. to carry it out secretly, enter Vega. When they figured out that Interpol & the CIA were workign together to kill their own agent, along with the stories of torture Alexis said she endured while taken captive by the Guerilla, he chose to spare her life... thus disobeying a direct order. The two became rogue CIA & Interpol agents who have lived in anonymity ever since to avoid capture and prosecution from either government agency. Vega is better at living this lifestyle than Alexis, so she kind of sticks around out of necessity.

The further cement her bond with him, however, I then wrote an RP a couple of months later showing how Alexis went back to Colombia to try and find out what happened to her family, and in the process, getting re-captured by the Guerilla. When Vega figured it out, instead of leaving her to die, he purposefully got himself caught and taken hostage to find Alexis, and rescue her. So Vega spared her life once, and then saved her life a couple of years later. Alexis feels as if she owes Vega her life twice over... plus, she seems to never lose hope that maybe, just maybe, there is a glimmer of hope that there is true good in Vega, and she can one day get it to truly shine. (FACE TURN~!?)

 

[JGlass]

For an ex-Interpol agent, Alexis sure seems fucking stupid. That's actually been one of my few gripes with Vega RPs: Alexis plays a much bigger role than many other "romantic interest NPCs," but she pretty much seems like a bimbo Vega groupie. She could probably use a special episode that focuses on her, maybe if Vega has a match against Celeste or Izzy or something.

 

[Infinity]

For an ex-Interpol agent, Alexis sure seems fucking stupid. That's actually been one of my few gripes with Vega RPs: Alexis plays a much bigger role than many other "romantic interest NPCs," but she pretty much seems like a bimbo Vega groupie. She could probably use a special episode that focuses on her, maybe if Vega has a match against Celeste or Izzy or something.

Yeah, I've felt guilty about this recently. I think early on, when I had a couple of RPs more focused on Alexis I built her up as emotionally strong and independent... but the more Vega grows frustrated, the more I've kind of accidentally turned her into a groupie. I think you make a valid point about making her level of intelligence equal to that of Vega's... more food for thought. Thanks for the input, J. I'm gonna work on re-legitimizing Alexis.

As for the romance part of it... I've always tried to keep their relationship somewhat ambiguous. I've never really mentioned Alexis as Vega's love interest, or vice versa... and don't remember ever writing a scene in which they get overly romantic save for perhaps having dinner or drinking together. That's why I'll usually refer to Alexis as Vega's partner in crime or associate, or simply partner... and never as his girl, girlfriend, love interest, etc...

Come to think of it... I should really make an NPC for Alexis now that she's getting more TV time.

 

[JGlass]

I guess I just sort of assumed that Alexis has romantic feelings for Vega since she seems to put up with an unbelievable amount of shit from him. I actually already knew that Vega had saved Alexis' life (I believe it's on his roster page), but he's just so cold to her, and she is so loyal to him no matter what.

 

[Infinity]

I guess I just sort of assumed that Alexis has romantic feelings for Vega since she seems to put up with an unbelievable amount of shit from him. I actually already knew that Vega had saved Alexis' life (I believe it's on his roster page), but he's just so cold to her, and she is so loyal to him no matter what.

the dumbing down of Alexis was accidental and I'm gonna work on that immediately... the weird relationship between the two where Alexis seems to get nothing positive out of it is something I do very much on purpose. I've got an idea for a story arc that I'm patiently waiting to pull the trigger on. For now, I've just gotta do a little fine tuning.

 

[Tastycles]

This is going to be a semi-regular feature. I'm not going to go to town on it, but I don't ask for anything back. I'll do a few unsolicited feedbacks for RPs that catch my eye, and also do a few for anyone that asks nicely.

So on to the unsolicited ones first.

Dr. Coberer

I can't pretend to have been following WZCW closely in the time I've been away, but something that I always thought sounded interesting was your idea of vocal RPs. My style in real life is to ad lib things, and I lose a bit in my ideas in writing it down, so I wanted to see how this was done, as I might try it myself one day.

What did I get then? Well, one positive is that it was infinitely easier to get an idea of what the character is like. Your performance isn't going to win an Olivier award, but it is sufficiently adequate for me to imagine the character. The way you dissected the match and the opponents was exactly what you needed to do in this round, and I think your ability to do this is probably why you won the match.

The negative for me is that there was no context for saying what you were saying. I think literally a few lines setting the scene of where this promo is being delivered and what the visuals on the screen were at the time would have made it much more telegenic. At the moment, it's a bit radio play. The character is strong and you are getting him across, now you just have to make it televisual.

Justin Cooper

First things first, I've got to say this as you were my opponent, I read it and I thought "there's a good chance this will beat me", and when that did happen, I can't say I was surprised or disappointed. However, one minor criticism I had of your RP was that it seemed to develop the character of Bateman more than Cooper. The conversation at the end did get a lot about Cooper across though so this is minor. You pulled the story style off better than most. You need to make sure that you can write as passionately about all opponents as you do about Chris KO. It worked here because you didn't have to write about me, but in the next round you need to cross that bridge.


Onto those who have asked about it...

Theron Daggershield

First things first, I've got to say, I know absolutely nothing about Dungeons and Dragons, so all of the types of character and the various undead animal references mean nothing to me and add nothing to the RP. However, I think it allows you to write in a manner in which you are comfortable, and you are fortunate that the sort of people who are in e-feds are the sort of people who get and understand D&D.

My main gripe is the same as everyone's really, too many characters. Keifasar and Theron himself have a clear narrative purpose, but the other three don't do or say anything that needs them to be different people. Three heads are better than 5 in this instance.

The other thing is you have to try and link the fantasy aspect into the real world aspect. As it stands now, you've presented a long story in a fantasy world that is written reasonably well (though some dialogue is seriously bizarre - in what world would anyone say the ability to conjure fire was useless?!), the challenge for you now is to show how that relates to your match. You were in a battle royal this week, so Daggershield fighting and beating fantasy characters of all different ilk would have set that up quite nicely.

Corvus

Ok, so like I said, I haven't been around here for literally years, so I don't know much about your previous character so this analysis of the Corvus RP is treating it as a blank slate.

I'm writing this up as I read the RPs. All I'm going to say is that the first person element works, and it works well. To write first person skilfully is a rare ability. You've done it here, by starting with describing the city in a depersonified manner, the switch to the introspective first person is a killer hit and just like that I'm invested in the character and all I know about him is that he's from Seattle, a place I've never been within 2000 miles of. The whole first section gives the character a purpose, says why he is in WZCW and could potentially give him a long term story arc.

In the second section, it's not written as powerfully, but you do get your point across - very minor thing, you keep in Leon's blue when talking as Corvus. It's a good introductory way of setting up a feud with literally any heel - you've got instant material there. Perhaps you could have addressed the initial match itself a bit more, and maybe that's what cost you the win, because for my money this was the best RP of the match.

Blade

The style is good. The script style is the easiest style to write in, but the prose style makes setting the scene and capturing the reader into the story far easier. You use some aspects of both with the coloured text, and I think it makes it easily readable.

The first section (until Bob enters) should be shown to all new rookies when they come in. Without explicitly saying anything apart from a whimsical storyline, you are able to sell Blade's character. I know he's a face, I know he's a bit mental, and I know he's got his eye on Izzy Stone in the next round as this was his most recent match. Major RP material.

The next little bit till the end is a convincing way of flirting with Becky. Lord knows everyone tries this, and for the most part it comes across as people being abysmal at talking to women. Here we see a rapport between the two build quite subtly. This is good, though how it really progresses the story or character is perhaps not immediately clear.

The section with the brother, again you address the character's past and where they might be headed, whilst also selling your opponent as a real contender. This is good work from a face and again it set the match up quite nicely. There was a real personal feeling to this segment and again increased the interest in Blade and his long term aims.

I think this was a great RP and I'm not surprised it won - it's one of the most intelligently written of the round that doesn't treat the reader like a moron that can't read between the lines, but I think it could have been improved if you alluded to some of Blade's qualities that make him a great wrestler as well as a good man. You've quite cleverly embedded ideas about his character without explicitly saying them throughout - if you had somehow alluded to his toughness or resilience, perhaps through the brother mentioning something from the past where he overcome issues e.g. "I know you've done a lot, like when you [some story about winning after being downtrodden or losing initially], but if you keep on like this you might not be able to get back up from the next gut punch". Something like that would have added to what was a great, to the point and readable RP.

 

[Dan Severn's Moustache]

Blade:

I liked this RP on the whole.

The opening scene creates a lot of tension early on, being descriptive without giving too much away. I really think the opening is well written and I hope it leads to something, instead of just being a random chunk of backstory.

I also like the interactions between Becky and Blade. It feels quite natural, and it shows the best in both characters.

The only thing that I didn't like is Blade's monologue at the end. Don't get me wrong, it was well written like the rest of the RP, but it just felt too long. I feel Becky should have intervened at least once in the conversation to give us a break from Blade's rant.

Still, it's very good stuff here as always.