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RP Feedback Thread

Strikeforce: (James Howard and Mikey Stormrage) ((Yazlos and Shotoro))

The first person format is still a breath of fresh air. And the fact that both of you guys share it makes the RP mesh together very well.I love how you go into everything for your tag team. Your finisher name, even your theme music. However, there really wasn't much emotion in the RP's. Like Ech, said. It was good dialog, but it had no real emotion to it. It was hard to get into how Howard and Stormrage were talking.

Overall, I enjoyed it you guys on your first Tag Team RP. It had a lot of quirky video game humor and really showed the contrast in characters for Stormrage and Howard. Howard, being the MMA workout junkie constantly trying to get Mikey to focus on the task at hand put a chuckle or two in my breath. If I had to vote for either Strikeforce or B.L.T. I would have to go for Strikeforce by a hair. Keep up the good work, and you might just face Reynolds and I real soon. ;)
 
Pancake/Ricky Runn

One of the things I have really enjoyed about reading your rps is getting to know Ricky better. You do a fine job of looking into his past and giving us bits and pieces of what make him what he is today but never revealing it all at once. You usually leave me wanting more in that regard. You also do a good job of capturing Ricky's daredevil, thrill seeker mentality.
I liked the rp this round. I had a couple gripes but overall I think it was good. I really like how you talked about the sidekick role and wanting to get out of Reynold's shadow but still alluding to how much he has helped your career. Good mix of ambition and appreciation. Especially when you gave a little history on Reynolds and the Elite X title. I'm interested in the direction you are taking Rachael as well.

My only two complaints. There was a short period during the workout, the medicine ball part to be specific, where Ricky kept talking and talking and Rachael didn't say anything. It just seemed to me he would stop to take a breath or she would get a quick word in. The other complaint, are there no cops in Chicago? Pretty sure Ricky was excessively speeding and blasting music lol. Noise ordinances brah

I think you have it this round
 
Celeste Crimson (Echelon)

I really enjoy the feedback for this RP. From start to finish, your RP has a very good flow and doesn't cause me to stop. I simply was able to read this RP from the top to the bottom. The start was really good, you perhaps did the best at playing off the events at Lethal Lottery. And that is saying something. Although I found the pony reference odd. It was pretty funny and effective considering it was an inside joke with Harthan and Falkon. But it just felt, odd. It might just be me considering I'm not a fan of MLP. But that didn't take away from the overall RP. I also like the idea of Celeste wanting to establish a union against Ty Burna. Call me a crazy TNA fan but the idea of two stables feuding over power over a wrestling promotion just gets me excited. I could see the stable too. Crimson, Saboteur, Saxton, and Rush if the Sons of Destiny get involved with the Apostles. But overall it provides future and growth to Celeste.
 
Sanka/Ace Stevens

First off,you weren't kidding lol. Secondly, you spelled Stormrage's name right for a change, about time lol.

What I really liked was how you did a good job of capturing the bad comedy of Ace. IIRC you said you model his comedy after Andrew Dice Clay, who you said is one of the unfunniest people you know. It isn't hard to image some of the things that have come out of his mouth coming out of Ace's and vice-versa. I also think you did a pretty good job capturing Ace's inner coward. The shift in his attitude when things weren't going his way was a nice touch, especially when he became angered over having to defend the title.

Aside from a few common spelling and grammar mistakes here and there I didn't see too many glaring weaknesses. I think that your NPC dialogue could use a little work but you have Ace's down pretty well. Overall a good rp

Newc868/Brad Bomb

First off I want to say I liked the double elimination reference. You took a mistake and ran with it. You worked it into the story very well. You really did a good job working in Brad's frustration with Ty and his inability to stop them. I could even see a potential heel turn in the works, Brad's desire to stop Ty drives him over the edge.

The only real gripe I have is the spelling and grammar. It wasn't major but a couple of times I had to go back and reread a few sentences to comprehend the,. It was still a solid rp overall

Kid Horror/Justin Cooper

Cooper, y u mad? Very angry rp. Justin did not take losing the title well and I think you did a solid job of getting that across. Maybe its because your rep is Miz but it wasn't really that hard to imagine Justin saying and doing the things he did. Thats one of the things I really love in an rp, the ability to capture a characters personality easily. You did that. I also got a decent feel for the way Justin thinks everyone outside The Society is below him.

I think you would have had a fair chance with this rp but it looks like you will win by default. My main dislike though, was while you did a good job getting Justin's anger across it felt a little over the top at times. Also the line about pasta eating in the Olympics was really eh to me. Just sort of an unnecessary, unbelievable line coming from a guy as serious as Cooper. Still, like I said, I think you would have had a fair chance so a solid job
 
Right, I’ve only got a few bits of feedback to give out this round, so I may as well get started with them. I’ve got Constantine, Hunter Jackson & then a couple I’ll throw in for the sake of throwing them in. Here we go then;

Constantine (Dave)

- You’ve used Johnny Scumm to open the RP with and obviously, with him being my character, I can judge you on how you’ve used him. I really like it, which is a good thing. It’s the first time somebody has used Scumm in their RP & its good stuff.

- Uh-oh, you’ve ignored Holmes? I like it.

- The obvious face turns works, strange that Scumm happened to go through his at the same time as you. Mind, yours is a bit more interesting right now ;)

- Then he finds out he’s taking on Big Dave, this could be interesting couldn’t it? I really like your speech Dave, its one thing I’ve enjoyed reading in your RPs.

Now, how do I feel about your match? It’s a close call, but I think you could have this one in the bag.
Grade: B+

Now, I know I said I was going to just do feedback for Hunter Jackson, but that match that he’s in is basically a Rookie Four-Way. I say “Rookie” ‘cos its two newbies up against two guys who are yet to win more than one match and haven’t yet put that impact on WZCW at all. So I’m just going to start this in order of the RPs.

Joe West (Black Dynamite)

- I know I said I’d PM you this, but fuck it. It starts off mediocre and sort of just runs mediocre throughout. The little exchange with Becky is childish & just doesn’t need to be there.

- Your use of Kensworth doesn’t seem right; he seems too “street” all of a sudden. Also, West calling him a “prick” wouldn’t go down well with management.

- Why do you feel the need to mention the Mayhem title? You have nothing to do with it currently and should really be focusing on your match. If you’re already punching above your weight, who’s to say you’re even going to win this match?

- Then we move onto the mindless violence. You’re not meant to attack NPC’s, its just damn stupid. You’d be fired. Also, your use of Hunter Jackson is nowhere near good & again, West shouldn’t have hit him. You might be aggressive, but it was all uncalled.

- Overall, a “meh” RP. You could’ve done a lot better. I would suggest you don’t post them up so early & take some more time over them.

Grade: D-

Now we move onto;

Hunter Jackson (Milenko)

- This is the shortest RP of the group, but by no means does it mean it’s the worst one. Jackson is a strange character; it really is very “The Brian Kendrick” all over again ;)

- “Man’s penchanct for natural goods”? I love that statement, it’s brilliant. To be honest, I love Jackson himself, he’s awesome already.

- The Buddha quotes, if used too much or excessively could become stale quickly, maybe hold back on them a bit.

- Your words on your opponents are all very smart, especially those of West & Bull. You could’ve said nothing about Blue Lightning, he didn’t RP!

- Don’t forget to read over your RP ‘cos there are a couple of little spelling mistakes in it, which do tend to throw people off if they’re getting into it.

- Overall, it’s a nice RP. It’s short, but sweet & gets over everything you needed to say for your debut. You could have made it longer if you wanted, but in all honesty, I don’t think it needed it.

Grade: C

Blue Lightning hasn’t RP’d, so it finally brings me onto;

Darren Bull (Aweome_Miz)

- First off, you were once again granted a 24-Hour Extension. However, after reading this, it looks like you threw it together in the last ten minutes of that extension. You have the whole week, then an extra day. Take a LOT more time to work on these things; it can make them so much better.

- If the Battle Royal was “yours for the taking” (does that make sense?), then why didn’t you win? It obviously wasn’t yours; you can admit you weren’t good enough. You were thrown out right away.

- The end of the interaction with Kensworth is weird, but a positive comes from Bull not wanting to hear his surname. Surely he’d have used a wrestling pseudonym to fight under, rather than using a name he never wants to hear again? Again, a positive, not a big one, but your use of Kensworth was at least better than Joe West.

- Not sure why Joe West is coming to visit, but anyways. “Fucking brick?” I’m sure you mean prick, keep an eye on your spelling. You use West exactly how Black Dynamite does, but I don’t really like how Dynamite does it, so it’s extremely annoying. I just realized you put “pre-modana” and I think I’ve just figured that you meant “Prima Donna”. Yikes.

- Overall, it’s possibly the best RP you’ve done so far. Is that saying anything? Probably not. Next round, try not to take an extension and start working on your RP as soon as you find out what match you’re going to be in. I cannot bring myself to believe that you’ve worked on that all week and needed an extension for something that’s not all that great.

Grade: D

Winner of the Four-Way: Hunter Jackson. His was the only RP that really hit a point with me and it was short and most definitely sweet. Good luck to you all.
 
ONE MORE BIT OF FEEDBACK

Ricky Runn

- After a great showing at Lethal Lottery, you're up against Mick Overlast. Could be a difficult match. That little note about you outlasting everyone in your "graduation" class, I never noticed! Well done with that.

- Nice premise on finding out Reynolds won't be there. Runn thought he was gonan face Ty & Constantine on his own? Lulz. Then we take Rachael on a trip.

- I'm glad that at the same time you're focusing on a Tag Team, you're mentioning a singles career. You won't be a tag team forever, we all know that. So it's nice to have a separate path to look forward to. Great little bit of trash talking degrading Mick & some great talk on Reynolds.

- Strange to give Rachael the last line, I always think you should have the last thing to say, but the reaction of Runn is good enough an ending note for me to finish reading!

- I like the RP, do I think you're gonna win your match? You damn well should. You're up against a great opponent in Mick. A guy who's gotten further than I have, debuting after me, he's done really well. But you should be able to pull this one out of the bag.

Grade: B-
 
Feedback for Pancake and Mr. Baller

Pancake

What I liked most about the RP – I liked the idea of the ghost of Rachael representing a living and breathing being that can interact with the main character. Even though she’s no longer alive Ricky still interacts with her as if she’s never left his side, and that brings him a new level of strength.

What I liked least about the RP- The only real annoyance that I found was sometimes you use the same names and words over and over in quick secession; try to refrain from doing this as it can derail the flow of the RP. I’ve found this to be a very common mistake when I’m reading RP’s, and I still struggle with it.

It’s very clear that you worked quite diligently and hard on this RP and it shows. I think this is, overall, the most well written RP that I’ve read from yet. Good job.

Baller

What I liked most about the RP – I liked the fact that you’ve given Mr. Baller a purpose for his drive, and that’s his determination to win the KFAD briefcase.

What I liked least about the RP – I wasn’t convinced that Baller was that upset with losing the Lottery. And even though the prospect of KFAD perked him right back up, it was after Stacy Madison’s prompting. It looked to me that Baller had forgotten about it.

The biggest thing that you can work on for on for next time is improving the feelings of your character and how he views the world around him. If Baller is angry, then he should portray anger, if he is being devious because he’s discovered something about himself, or his opponent, or the circumstance of the match then he should portray those feelings. Good effort this round; your improvement since our first match has been monumental.
 
Johnny Scumm (CP Munk) ((RDV)) (((J4L))) (((Tatar Salad)))

First off, I just like to say I like the subtle points you make in the dialog about how important this match is to Scumm. You make it clear that it is Scumm's last shot at Mayhem with Becky's introduction. Overall, I just like your use of characters. You do a good job making them support and play off Scumm. The setting is real simple considering it is a press interview from after Lethal Lottery. Which allows the reader to focus on the story itself and the dialog. I think you need to take baby steps with Scumm's face turn. You are taking the Randy Orton approach with slowly winning over the fans, but still keeping that edgy heel stuff.

You take a good approach in the RP with the promo. You had an issue in the past with having your RP being scattered around. But this one felt much more linear and simple. You cover your past, your slow face turn, Ace Stevens and Stevenson Marquel. Overall it was just simply a huge improvement. I could like Scumm as a loud mouth face. Kinda like Mr.Anderson with a Mohawk.
 
Johnny Scumm (CP Munk): Here is the feedback I will give you in return.

  • I would have thought everyone would have been more excited to see Becky. A "smattering" of applause doesn't seem right on this occasion.
  • I think Becky's speech needs to be a little more natural. I don't think you need to treat the reader like an idiot. Becky explains the premise of the show to me as if I am a child.
  • I like what you were trying to do with Kline introducing Scumm but it just reeks of a heel, to be honest. Face superstars should be humble. Kline makes Scumm seem egotistical and that's not the aim.
  • Again, blaming things on management isn't a trait of a face.

You're in a bit of a predicament in that you don't really know how to write a face, I see that. But don't worry, it will all come with time. I haven't written a face for a long time and it is all new to me too. But I have read around some of the great faces in this fed and some of it is starting to rub off. My advice is to do the same thing with Scumm and see if you can make him more of a face.

The predicament you're in, is that you're character was never really meant to be a face. He was supposed to be an edgy heel and now that you're trying to write him as a face, you don't really know where the line is. The way I always do it, is think about whether I would cheer for a character if he said or did something. If you wouldn't, don't write it.

As is, it's a good attempt. You've definitely got a chance.
Best of luck.
 
Having been on staff for a few Efeds (including this one) I have a few things I look for when I read an RP. You talk about your match, You talk about your feud/history and you build your character.


Joe West (black dynamite)
I'm gonna say right off don't hit me again. All I said you could do was rant & rave. I'm not a fan right off the bat because of that. Also hitting interviewers is in poor taste and not needed at all. These 2 things took all the good you did in your RP away.

There were some things I enjoyed about your RP. You talked about the match real good and built up the anger of West well and I think you can use the fact all I did was ignore you in future RPs.



Darren Bull (Awesome_Miz)
It was an alright RP. I feel you could have talked about me and Lightning a little more. I know me and him haven't had a match but what I do when I face someone like that is read their app and use what they have down for the gimmick & history and talk about that. You also could have talked about the match a little more than you did. For me the point of an RP is to hype your upcoming match which you didn't really do. I did like the fact you played up on your history though. This part you did very well and using West helped.



Seeing how this next one is a tag match I'm going to give feedback to both Shotaro & Yazloz

Strikeforce/James Howard (Shotaro)
I enjoyed your RP. It set it up your Tag Team perfectly and I actually laughed at the Black Dragon part. You talked about your match & opponents pretty good for them not having any matches for you to work with and you talked about your own history well. I personally liked your reason of joining the Tag Division. All in all a solid RP.

Strikeforce/Mikey Stormrage (Yazloz)
Another good one. Again I liked your reason for leaving the Mayhem Division as well. Your RP was more about the dynamic between you and Howard which I enjoyed reading about. You and Shotaro did a very good job on your RPs and making them flow together. Not sure if this is your guys first time in a tag match with anyone but as you guys hammer things out you will be a force in the division. Your Tag match could go either way.



Johnny Scumm (CP Munk)
I enjoyed your RP from start to finish You talked about your history well as well as your match. You could have talked about it being your last Mayhem title match a little bit though. I enjoyed the way you talked about your opponents although it came off a bit heelish. I know you never expected him to be face though so it's understandable, it will get easier as you go along.

The rap at the end was pretty good as well
 
Ok guy here is my FeedBack for both Munk and Pancake.

Johhny Scumm (Munk)
  • The seting was quiet weird for me a bit.
  • Then we have Becky speak but it was a tat off.
  • Kline's introduction for Scumm was heelish but you are in the beginning process of being a face.
  • Don't blame managment for stuff than rather blaming yourself.
  • Good job on bringing up the battle royal and you losing an opportunity in the Lothery.
  • Nice job on giving some history on your character and how is turning into a face now.
  • I really like how you talk about your opponents and the match at AF.
  • Then we get into the rap which I thought did bring up a good point
Overall, it was a pretty good RP. Your match can go either way but who knows. Good luck anyways. Also, like to say how no one else has mention you can be like Sheamus.

Grade: 8/10

Now we move onto Mr. Sideckick himself Pancake.

Ricky Runn (Pancake)
  • Good job reinforcing the reason why Rachael doesn't use a seatbelt. lol
  • I like how you are also looking into a singles career since RRR won't last forever.
  • Nice job on telling us why Austin won't be with you this week.
  • Mentioning all of people that can come out help Overlast is good.
  • Also great job on staying focus on your match but I feel you could have mention it a bit more.
Overall, liked the RP but Overlast does pose as a challenge. So good luck my friend.

Grade: 8.5/10
 
Time for Proph's FB.

Justin Copper (Proph/Kid Horror)
  • I like how you begin the RP with Copper's frustration over loosing his Mayhem Title.
  • Vladimir approch was weird but you worked great around it.
  • I lke how you are also looking forward to KC.
  • WOW that was nice at the end with Vladimir.
  • Also feel you could have talked about your opponent even though he didn't RP.
Overall, great RP for Cooper but try to also focus on both your match and opponent.

Grade: 7.5/10
 
Lets gets started with The Best.

  • I like how you get straight to the point of the title match but I would have hoped you added the battle royal.
  • Then you talk about some bit of your history and opponents.
  • Like the rhyme.
  • Good job on how you don't need an interview.
Overall, good RP but good have been better. Also you are my dark horse in the match.

Grade: 8/10
 
AF 6: Scott Hammond vs. Jack Skinner

Jack Skinner (NSL)

  • Short RP
  • I'll give you this good job on saying this match can help get some momentum.
  • Make sure you speak more of your character and match.
Overall, okay RP that did some good things but some bad.

Grade: 6.5/10
 
James Howard and Mikey Stormrage (Yazloz/Shotaro)

Howard
  • Loving the first person approch with your RPs guys.
  • Good job on approching the battle royal.
  • Kind of weird on how you start the tag team but still works.
  • Love the theme song choice guys.
Stormrage
  • Good history here on why you want to be a wrestler/entertainer.​
  • Great character development.​
  • Nice way on bringing up your opponents.​
  • Can't stay away from the XBOX but can still get the job done is good.​
Overall great job guys but wished that Stormrage would have brought more comedy to the team.

Grade: Howard 8.5/10, Stormrage 8/10, and as a team 8.75/10.
 
Awesome Miz

What I liked most about the RP – I like the fact that you’ve remained dedicated and really applied yourself towards continuous improvement.

What I like least about the RP – the lack of descriptive narration. Your dialogue just seems too hang out in space without any transitions. I have only a vague clue what is going on.

The biggest thing that you can work on for next time would be to add more descriptive narration. Try describing the setting a little bit more, what does the scenery look like? What is Darren Bull doing, and how is he interacting with the people around him? Is he happy? Angry? Is he trying to prove some kind of a point? How are others reacting to Darren Bull? A good way to practice description narration is to write several practice RP’s that are a couple hundred words long. Try picking a scenery or scenario and imagining Darren Bull in it, and how he would react.
 
The Best

What I liked most about the RP - I did like the intensity you put into the promo, you really did your best to sell that Marquel was ready to win the Mayhem championship.

What I liked least about the RP – I disliked the fact that you did not use descriptive narration to transition your dialogue; instead you just placed it all in big, unattractive chunks. Marquel obviously went through a range of different emotions as evident by your usage of different punctuation, but otherwise I wouldn’t have known whether or not he was angry, happy, or frustrated.

Some things that I would suggest you work on are adding descriptive narration to transition your dialogue, and try not to use the same words over and over in quick repetition. In your opening paragraph you used both ‘garage’ and ‘ring’ in rapid succession. This was a good attempt to really let your character blossom, and I do appreciate the development.
 
Darren Bull

You've made tons of improvement since your last RP. I liked the way you used me and West.

I feel like you could have talked about our match and our opponents more than you did than primarily focus on me however.

The biggest thing I saw that I didn't like was basically how it seemed like you forgot to put in some words in sentences and basically had to guess what you were trying to say. Next time thoroughly go through and make sure you got all that you needed.

Hopefully this helpful.
 
Strikeforce

Just remembered that I promised you guys some feedback a while ago. Sorry it’s taken so long.

So I’m going to give you feedback together. I wouldn’t normally do this for a tag team, but considering the nature of the RPs, I think this is the best way.

  • I absolutely loved the fact that you had clearly been in contact, and sorted out two RPs that linked well.
  • When you announced yourselves as a tag team, I was a bit sceptical because the characters aren’t particularly close. In fact, the only similarity is that they’re both faces. However, the characters put each other over really well. The contrast makes for a really good relationship.
  • So yeah, the similarities are really good. Just make sure your RPs aren’t too similar. If I was to reminisce about them in a few days, I’d remember that they were good reads, sure. But would I remember who wrote what? Perhaps not.
  • You addressed everything that needed to be addressed, so content-wise, I can’t fault it. Top marks there.
  • Overall, these are two very good RPs, especially for a brand new team. You deserved to win against an impressive showing from B.L.T.
  • The team name kicks ass. As does the theme.

I was going to add some individual feedback, but I realised that I agreed with everyone else who had given you feedback individually.
 
The Bearded One - Jason Armstrong

Hey man, sorry I didn't PM you this feedback, I didn't realize you were going to post your RP so quickly. Here are my official thoughts, then:


*Jason's story is solid. Classic, a bit cliche, but it's highly workable and you seem to know what you're doing with it. I'm interested in seeing how you take the development, since there a lot of angles to work.
*I thought it was good that you set up the potential for a conversation with Jeremy for next time. Continuity is a good thing and it gives you a ready made RP for next week, if you win. If you lose, it also gives you a lot of material. It's a nice touch.
*I'm torn over how I feel about the content included in general. On the one hand, I think that you needed to get a lot of this information out there to establish your character. On the other hand, I wonder if maybe a conversation with Chelsea isn't something you could have built up to a little. Maybe Jason could have had to build confidence with a win, or something. Or maybe he could have been on TV, got a call from Jeremy who had seen his Dad on TV, and have that lead to a conversation. Something like that. Just keep in mind for the future to ask yourself whether you can add more meaningful connective tissue between RPs.
*One thing I noticed was that your writing style is occasionally uncomfortably blunt, when you could be more subtle. For example: "buildings look as sad as their inhabitants must be to live there." This is kind of a blunt metaphor that's a little uncomfortable, like it just doesn't flow. Kind of a "show, don't tell" rule. You're halfway there, you're not just telling me "People hate it here", but you were a little less savvy about it then you could have been. I would recommend trying to avoid such explicit statements and try to make your point with a little more finesse in the future.
*You had very few typos. I noticed a few, but not many at all. Either you're doing a really good job copy editing or you're just not making many mistakes. As always, keep your eye out for as many as possible but it's hard to catch all of them. You did a good job avoiding making very many.
*I think it would be good to write the lines for NPCs in the future, i.e. Chelsea. It's more accepted style and the traditional way to write dialogue.

Verdict: This is a really nice debut piece, in my opinion. You've laid some good ground work and show a lot of promise. Keep working on the things I mentioned and you'll only get better. B
 
Hunter Jackson:

- Your descriptions are very good in this RP. You do a good job of expressing the setting and the surroundings here, and mix it in with the dialogue well.

- From what I'm seeing, you're still trying to introduce your character a little. I like how you use Master Feng to bring out more of Hunter Jackson here, and I think that Feng could definitely make it easier for you to write out RP's with Jackson.

- I think that you could have talked about your match more. Along with that, you could have talked about your new team a little more, but something is better than nothing.

-Overall, you cover a lot about your character in a pretty short RP. Your descriptions are good, but you could express more about your actual match a little bit more in my opinion. Sorry this isn't the most detailed feedback as well.
 
Milenko - Hunter Jackson

*Show, don't tell leaped out immediately at me from the first lines. Specifically this: "While he is trying (and failing) to meditate..." I'm not comfortable with you just throwing out "failing" without any prior qualification. More complete description of perhaps Jackson's internal monologue, or his external features, or something that described to me that Jackson was having difficulty meditation prior to you dropping that bomb out of the narration would have gone a long way toward setting this piece up better.
*Your punctuation, or lack thereof, I should say, bothers me. You need commas when you use subordinate clauses, for example: "What seems to be bothering you my child?" needs to be written as: "What seems to be bothering you, my child?". You do it multiple times in this piece. I'd work on it. Proofreading in general would be helpful, and you clearly had time since you posted this so early. You make a number of little typos throughout. Also, this is more of a personal thing, but I don't like small numbers being written in the Arabic form. I much prefer them written out if they're small. "Four" instead of 4, for example. The same goes for using ampersands in place of the word "and". Other grammatical issues include saying "Me and X" instead of "X and I" which could be a choice in dialogue but it doesn't fit your character at all to speak improperly.
*I find your style of writing dialogue off for the character. I feel like the words could be emanating from the mouth of any average Joe on the street. There's no uniqueness to them that I would expect from a monk character. It's a difficult thing to place tangibly but I just feel that your dialogue is utterly generic. Try to use less common phrases and think about the sorts of things that a monk might say, and the way he might say them. I would imagine more sophisticated word choice and a reticence to use slang and wrestling jargon might be a start.
*I was very confused by the ending. How did the sudden scene change occur? Was Hunter just imagining it all? Really had no idea how you got from point A to point B there.
*I felt like you missed a lot of opportunities in terms of content. I really liked what you did last week when you used quotes from the Buddha to describe your opponents. While such a conceit might get tired quickly, I think you have still used it in the early formative stages of your character and perhaps even played off Master Feng with them. I thought it odd that Jackson just accepted being in a tag team with a character so dissimilar to him and so rapidly. I also thought it odd that he is excited about winning the titles - or at least, that Feng didn't call him out on it. Shouldn't he despise material goals such as titles? I thought there were lots of neat angles for this to take, perhaps with Feng criticizing aspects of Jackson's recent performance, and it just kind of fell flat. You summarized the events of the last show, gave a totally generic response to them, and Feng, who might have been an interesting foil, was pretty much just a static "yes man". You might have also considered interacting with Skinner, but I can accept that waiting for a little while as the tag team forms up, or perhaps occurring in Skinner's RP.

Verdict: I was harsh, but for good reasons. I think you have an interesting character and you showed that you had some idea how to handle him last week, but you took a big step backwards with this piece, in my opinion. Continue to explore the character at more than a superficial level, take the above criticism to heart, and you can go far with this character. D+

#1Peep - Joseph Greaves
*Nothing to do with the RP, directly at least, but if you're joining forces with Cooper, that's good stuff by me.
*I love your writing style. I don't think you could have written a more stereotypically Australian opener, in a great, almost but not quite comedic way. Your attention to detail is awesome and I love how you write in the vernacular while narrating, i.e., "'roos" and so on.
*Felt a little confused by Greaves denying that he was Australian. I kind of got the point, that he was saying that the US had created a stereotype of Australians, but I felt it odd that he just said he wasn't when...y'know, he is. And then goes on as if he were Australian, when he just denied it. Perhaps it was just a kink in the writing you didn't intend but that section was a little awkward.
*Not horrible on typos but there were a few instances of missing punctuation, wrong word usage, etc., etc. Just proofread a little more thoroughly. If you have time (this applies to anyone reading, incidentally) consider rereading the next day and reading in reverse order. Nice proofreading tricks that help out.
*I thought you did well with content but could have taken it one step further. I get that Americans have created a misconception of Australians, but what is the reality, in Greaves's eyes? I thought that was mostly absent which would have really completed this one, in my eyes.

Verdict: This is a nice debut piece that sets the stage really well and I hope you keep building on it. I wish the content had gone a little deeper and the occasional bit of awkward writing dragged it down, but a fine first effort. B
 
Jason Armstrong
* I really enjoyed reading this piece and look forward to seeing how things progress in the life of the entire Armstrong family.
* This did an excellent job of laying down the introductory foundation for your character as we understand what time of man Jason is and why he is here in WZCW.
* I'm in complete opposition of Harthan in the sense that I really liked that we only saw Jason's side of the story and didn't see any of the exact dialog for Chelsea on the other side of the conversation. While this wouldn't be ideal for every interaction between Jason and his family, it left a lot open to the imagination and didn't bog down the RP with back and forth dialog. You were able to get Chelsea's message across with few words. This would also allow you to talk about things that Chelsea specifically has said to Jason in future RPs without anything feeling repeated.

I will be following the life of The Armstrong Family and Jason's struggles for the foreseeable future.

Hunter Jackson
* Hunter was having issues meditating in a meditation?
* It would be nice to have Feng be a character that really brings out the best and worst of Hunter. He knew something wasn't right with Hunter, but really didn't seem to care as much as he should. He should either build off of Hunter's quest or be a stern contradiction to it
* All of Feng's wisdom and advice should sound like actual wisdom not just something one friend would say to another. He's a master in the way of Buddhism but didn't really come across as one.
* You touched on everything, such as the newly formed relation with Skinner, your upcoming match and what it could mean for you at Kingdom Come, but it was all done in passing. (Which I know all about in my RP this week, so this comment could come off as hypocritical.)
* There was a lot of grammar and spelling issues that need to be tidied up. Some are bound to come through every now and then for everyone, but I noticed more than I usually do here.
* I think there could be a lot of potential in Hunter but you need to dig deeper to pull it out and you do that this week. Your RP didn't add much to Hunter as a character.

Joseph Greaves
* Harthan said it best "I love your writing style. I don't think you could have written a more stereotypically Australian opener, in a great, almost but not quite comedic way. Your attention to detail is awesome and I love how you write in the vernacular while narrating, i.e., "'roos" and so on."
* Since this was an introductory RP, I'll assume you intended on placing the focus on Greaves, but in the future more attention will need to be given to your opponent and upcoming match.
* This is just my own personal preference so do with it what you will but I found it hard to separate the dialog from the actions/descriptions due to it being the same font color aside from Greaves' name. I'd recommend sticking the the font color for the entire dialog, and then switching back to black and italics when no one is speaking.
* I enjoyed your writing style and the subtle humor sprinkled throughout and look forward to reading stuff from you in the future.
 
NSL (Jack Skinner)

First off, teaming with Hunter Jackson is the best thing to happen to your character since his inception. Plus your teaming with Hunter Jackson brings a breath of fresh air to Skinner. A heel/Face team dynamic hasn't happen in a long time. So naturally this can lead to some interesting angles you and Milenko can touch on. But sadly as your first official tag team RP, you guys didn't really do a lot to help you win this week. There really wasn't much in either RP that made me want to like the Shaolin Jacks other than the fact their is a ton of promise to it. You could have touched onto why Skinner wanted to team with Jackson, and Jackson should have done the same. I would have loved to hear how the Jacks are going to be the better team over B.L.T and the Kings of Hate. That is something I have learned personally after losing time and time again to Stantime, and Mind Over Matter. And it looks like it something you and Milenko are going to learn when you guys become a tag team.
 
Daniel Dela Cruz (Jam)

First off, welcome to WZCW Jam.

  • The begininng was a bit awkawrd cause now your character seems a bit weak at the start.
  • I like how you intoduce is he life.
  • Word of advice try to do a longer RP
Overall:Good 1st RP. Good luck in your match.

Grade: 7.7/10
 

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