RP Feedback Thread | Page 58 | WrestleZone Forums

RP Feedback Thread

Feedback, in no particular order. I did promise to do it for everyone this round and I intend to live up to that promise, though I myself could not participate for this round.

Darren Bull – Your formatting could use some work. I don’t know why you see the need to increase the text size, but it just makes it obnoxious. Putting narrative text in bold is fine, but unnecessary. Your color choices are acceptable. Now, let’s talk writing. You need to learn to do it, specifically. This is written very poorly. You need to spell properly. “Shaggels”? I assume you mean “shackles”. You have occasional cases of confusing homonyms, such as writing “bare” when you mean “bear”, and you also need to get “your” and “you’re” straight. You use multiple exclamation points at the beginning. Stop that, immediately. It’s one or none. Multiples make you look unprofessional. I really suggest quotations around dialogue, for the sake of clarity and to make your writing look neater. You also need to make sure you’re not skipping words, which I see occasionally here. Word choice needs work too. For example, this line: “Just at that moment we start to hear some shaggels from a near. Darren starts to come back to life and defines the man coming as his father.” “A near” is not an appropriate phrase. Perhaps “we hear the sound of shackles approaching”. Likewise, “defines” is the wrong word. “Recognizes” is more appropriate. The long and short of it is that your mechanics need work. It might behoove you to find someone to proofread it for you next round and figure out the mistakes that you’re making. Content wise, this has its ups and downs. I like the premise, but the execution is flawed. It’s alright up in the introductory stage, but the conversation with the father has its faults. Namely, the father’s end is completely unbelievable. Just imagine that conversation playing out. The words ring false. The father’s just completely overjoyed as his son shits all over him. No anger whatsoever. I don’t buy it. There’s just no emotion in this conversation at all. I don’t feel it’s real. Consider reading some short stories or other RPs for a feel of what a conversation should be. I’m suggesting you work on improving your work on all fronts if you’re looking to be serious about this.

Ty Burna - My only complaint is the occasional informality that breaks the illusion of the RP for me. To wit: ” The final spot in the LL is worthless to me”. LL is just weird here, like I don’t really buy Ty saying “ell-ell”. I get it’s shorthand but I’d rather it were written out. Other than that, the content is great, I like the frame narrative. A tad rambling perhaps but that’s the nature of the character to an extent I suppose.

Lee – I like this alright. The first person, almost noir style is intriguing, although sometimes I find Titus’s narration a little long winded. Perhaps interposing traditional third person narration with first person lines of thought might have served better. At first I was a little underwhelmed by the scene, thinking that maybe you should have had a bigger thing for the world title win, but I thought about it, and I like this. Just going into an old bar to celebrate quietly. It’s different, it fits the character, and I like it. Occasional writing error here and there, not massive, as always, rigorous proofreading helps, if it’s something you even care about.

S.H.I.T. – You’re doing it right. Funny, subtly so most of the time, with the occasional more blatant joke…yes. Very good. My complaints would be Gustav’s accent being a little hard to read at times, and an occasional lack of proper punctuation usage. The former is tricky, since I get what you’re doing there. Just roll with it, I would say, it’ll work out. The latter is just proofreading, not like there’s a lot of it anyway. The character development you’ve got here is very intriguing as well. Nicely done.

Gordito – Agh! I cringed when Klamor cleaned his ear out with a cotton swab. That’s so very bad for you. That has nothing at all to do you with your RP, by the way, but really, nobody should ever do that. Plus, I call gimmick infringement on all the drinking. But no, seriously, let’s get to business here. Klamor going ballistic is golden. Hell, I almost feel bad for him by the end of it. I thought your handling of the world title losses and the roulette theme was really well done if not particularly substantial. Perhaps introspection for character development was an option, but hey, it’s your character after all. Overall, it’s funny, charming, and a good showing after the world title loss. Your grammar looked solid and I have no real complaints here.
 
Right, here's some more feedback. It's up to you whether you Rep me, or just give me some feedback for it. There's two I've got planned and some random ones as well.

Darren Bull

- Dude, you said it yourself. It's not good at all. First off, last week you're the "Party animal" and this week, you're the "Father hater"? Cool, but bit of a change in personality I think. Also, there' is no need for the huge text and the multitude of colours. You could've done without a couple. The large text works with someone like Barbosa, who has to show off a few different sides, but you should keep yours normal. Please.

- Next, the spelling, grammar is just godawful. I, like Harthan don't understand how your father can still have the attitude he has after you've shat on him so much? That's strange. Your father having murdered your mother previously should've gone ape and gone for you, but yet, even though he's "SHACKLED", he seemed very happy and content.

- Also, Darren has the mental attitude of a 5-Year old. "It's starting to smell of douche in here"? Either... a young kid would say that, or someone very cocky, NOT Bull would say that.

- There's also some strange spacing in there. Apart from the story you've told, (Even that's a bit much), everything just doesn't seem to work at all.

My thoughts on your match? I think you're going to find it VERY difficult to pull off a win. At all. Unless you pull Ryan Raynes and even then, I'd think you might both find it difficult to get to the ring. Please, make it better next time. Grade: D.

Blade

- Now, THIS is good. Why aren't you World Champion or why haven't you been World Champion. Disappointing.

- STACEY! She rules, seriously. Great character. Blade really believes he can be the best and it does seem that way. Stacey, whilst drunk, really starts to speak her mind and bluntly at that.

- When I like an RP, I have less to say, or it just sounds like I'm hanging from the end of your penis. But I really like this, I really do.

This week you should be working well. There's a possibility you MAY even beat Ty should you draw a match against him, I have the confidence in you Mr. Blade (Can I call you that?) There's a few guys you won't be able to beat should you get them, but they did pull out killer RP's. Grade: B

Baller

- Lucky man, getting No.20 in the LL. BUT.... the question is, can you stay big enough to win it? Addressing Ty's distraction. Not gonna lie, I thought that he had it won, but well done to you.

- Love the "Roulette Stipulation Clause". That's genius. Baller really believes he has this one in the bag and he can go on to win the LL.

- One thing I think you could've brought up is the fact you may end up winning a Title at one of the Roulette Shows. If that happens and you have to defend at LL, would you be able to win the LL as well? Remember, you have the best chance at LL, but is it possible? We never know.

Match-wise, you should be pretty secure for most people that come your way, barring a few of the big guys. Grade: B-
 
Dave:

You have such a talent for writing natural heel stuff, it's been evident since Karnage. You know all the little mannerisms and lines that make a heel character great. The confidence, blaming everyone else when something goes wrong, the jabs at the audience. All classic heel stuff. With that said, I still feel the Constantine character needs to evolve a bit. At the moment he's a good heel, but his personality traits are of just that, a good heel. With your writing ability and imagination, you can make him a great heel. He just needs a little something extra, a little something to make him unique. Whether it's an extra twist to the gimmick or something, Constantine needs an extra dimension to go from one of the best in the midcard to legit world title caliber.

C


Rob Dam Van:

First up, one of the best RP's you've done so far. Some good character development, an insight into your character, some nice history. You did a lot with the little material you have to work with due to how short your time in the fed has been compared to most. With that said, when it's a random draw for opponents, you need to have an RP that's got something a little original in it, something a little different. Considering you could come up against some really big opponents this round, you should be giving us an RP that makes everyone sit up and take notice. This, while decent, was pretty basic fare. Also, this is just a personal preference, but I think RP's with depth and history should be saved for the big matches, title matches and such. But that's just me. Solid effort, though not exactly groundbreaking. Keep developing your character, 'cause you're a good writer.

C-


Numbers:

You know you're a great writer, you don't need me to tell you that. The comparison between the randomness of this round and the FA Cup draw was a good idea. No idea if that happens in any American sports, but it's simple enough so they should get it! I love how confident Reynolds is since the title win, he genuinely seems thrilled to have the title and so he should be after the rough month or two he's had. Overall this is just classic face Reynolds, confident and passionate. Great RP.

B-


FalKon:

It ain't deep, but it's pretty damn funny. An original premise for your RP to say the least. I always appreciate originality and if it involves nudity, all the better. Seriously though, I always enjoy your writing style, I think it's quite similar to mine. It's good to see Kurtesy getting a boost and some new found energy from what was a big PPV win. You assess your possibilities in this round and appreciate how unpredictable it all really is. Not much else to say, just a really good RP.

B


Showtime:

I love me some The Show. It's a unique platform you've always had for writing your RP's and it never ceases to be entertaining. Showtime's charisma always shines through in these kinds of RP's. Showtime is setting his sights on the World Title prematurely, but that's just classic Showtime, ambitious to say the least. The ending is a bit cheesy, but hey, sometimes Showtime is just a bit cheesy! In a good way. Not much else to say on the RP. It's just, dare I say it, vintage, Showtime. Entertaining from start to finish.

B-
 
Four more. I'll get this done, uh, at some point before the next round is over. Hopefully. Hey, feedback is valuable no matter when it comes, right? Shut up, I refuse to be convinced otherwise.

Sean Cruz – Watch your grammar and your formatting. It wasn’t often that it crept up, but here and there there are errors, so as always, keep track of that. The dialogue between Nikki and Sean is really nice, and definitely something to focus on. Overall, though, I felt underwhelmed here. While it is admittedly difficult to find content when you haven’t got either a match or much of a storyline going on, I think that somewhat more substantial content might have been found here. I found the exodus to the grocery store charming, until the robbery. It felt unrealistic and forced, and even moreso through the resolution. Sean’s reply to Nikki that, if he was shot, “I would have gone to the hospital and been taken care of” is almost laughable, and not in a good way. There are angles you could have gone with, like maybe Sean getting too reckless after his losses, and shown Nikki’s concern. But I didn’t see anything like that. Of course I understand this is an odd week, so I’m not judging too harshly, but I’d focus on more realistic content, or content that is blatantly absurd for comedic effect. The middle ground present here was unflattering.

Black Dragon – I know you said you didn’t put a lot into the proofreading, so I’ll assume you’re already aware that errors were made that need to be addressed. The content is good. The story is a tad cliché but well presented. The cursing at the end felt out of place. It didn’t feel right. I admit to not having read any of your previous work, perhaps you do this regularly to better effect, but I just thought it was a jarring change of tone. I can appreciate switching to an aggressive tone to close the RP, but it might have been more effective sans cursing, perhaps.

Action Saxton – Great stuff here. My major objection is occasional lapse in the consistency of Saxton’s tone. “One of them struck me” is a good example. “Struck” doesn’t feel like the right word for Saxton to use, to me at least. It takes me out of the tone briefly, which is less than ideal. “anyway I was soaked from head to toe by the damn rain so the fire just went out anyway” is also awkwardly phrased. The repeat of anyway isn’t good. These aren’t big things but they do take away from the smooth reading of the RP in a consistent tone, which affects its overall quality, as well you know. I also make a similar complaint that I made to Ty In that you wrote “PPV” where I would rather you wrote out “pay-per-view”. Again, I get the shorthand, but I feel as if Saxton is actually saying “pee-pee-vee” which, once again, detracts from the smooth reading. So that’s my only objection, really, in summary, is just the occasional jarring phrase or word that takes away from the overall experience. Other than that, this is very funny, charming, and does a great job of addressing the PPV and the roulette.

Showtime – Only a few occasional grammar errors. You know how it is. Content wise, the introductory material is good, the opening of the show Is good, the monologue is solid. It takes a bit of downward turn once the harmonica begins. It’s funny at times but some of the jokes feel forced. It’s hit or miss. For the rest of this, though, I can’t complain much. Good content in a week when it’s hard to find. Sometimes a little generic, but I can’t blame you much for that. The ending paragraph, for example, it’s a little pedestrian. Still, I think this is a really solid RP that works well altogether.
 
Feedback for those who have did it for me.

Blade: It has always been the case that the best quality of your RP's is that everything is so naturally written. It flows, it's organic to the character and it just always works. For such a simple concept, I'm surprised I liked this RP as much as I did. A New Year's Eve party was going to be a popular choice and I even did it too. But you added a new spin to that and with Stacey being inebriated, I think you managed to make it seem very original. It is very strange to think that you've never been in a World Championship matxh in your career but I can see that you're growing impatient about that. And rightfully so, you deserve a pop. I like that you've singled out Lethal Lottery as your "Do Or Die" moment and I think you're opening yourself up to a world of possibilities thereafter. If you win, then you go on with all the momentum in the world. And if you lose, then I can see it leading to Blade going in off of the deep end and that is something that I very much enjoy and would love to see.

As far as this RP goes, it is everything that I've come to expect from you. Well-written and packed with fantastic and organic content. I might liked to have seen you allude more to the unpredictability of the round and how Baled would handle this but that's just me wanting more from a character I very much enjoy reading. Great attempt.

Verdict: If you're paired against anyone not named Ty Burna, then you've probably got another W to notch onto your WZCW bedpost.

RDV: This might sting a little.

This is the first time that I have been introduced to your character and I must say that it was a perfect RP for that. You covered your history really well and I got a good feel for how Scumm came into WZCW etc. That said, you struggle to make a point with your RP. I know I am in no position to judge but I've been here for years and when I write, I generally try to find a theme or idea that will run through the RP and tie into what is happening in the round. For example, this week I used the idea of unpredictability to draw comparisons between Meltdown Mayhem/Ascension Anarchy and WZCW as a whole. This allowed me to tie everything together and nothing seemed as though it was put in for good measure.

I'm worried that you have made too much of your past and have forgotten that you need to make a point with your RP. I like reading about the history of wrestlers because it adds another dimension to their character. But, it must be said, that they generally don't accomplish much. It is well enough written that I could enjoy the read. But I definitely think you should work on tying your RP's together and having a concurrent theme or idea through it. If it were me writing you RP, I would have used my history to tell people that 'I am a wounded animal. My scars can be seen by anyone stupid enough to stand across a ring from me. The hurt and pain I have suffered in my past will only drive me on to destroying anyone who is unlucky enough to be drawn against me at Meltdown, Ascension or Aftershock!'. That's really what you should be trying for. As much as I liked the RP, the past of the character didn't really tell us why he was going to win this round.

I also have my doubts as to whether you are a face or a heel. I am leaning towards heel because you poke fun at Americans and call someone a prick. But the general idea of the RP lends itself towards a face as it generates sympathy and that's not the way you write a heel, my friend. If I'm wrong, then I do apologise. Still, I think this needs worked on. If you are a heel, then beef it up. Don't be afraid to say what you feel that is going to annoy people the most. The last thing I want to say, is that you make no mention of anyone being with Scumm the entire time... Not even a cameraman. So that has me convinced that he was talking to himself and that's bad. If you are going to do RP's like this, create an NPC and have them ask question etc. It just helps push along the RP and make it flow better.

Verdict: It's a hard one to tell really. I know that you could be put up against anyone this round and it makes it difficult to place this one. I enjoyed reading it and getting to know Scumm. I think you might struggle against some of the bigger names though. Still, a good effort.
 
Requested Feedback... Ascension 64

Harthan

Not going to lie, this sucker was quite long; about as long as a chapter that I would do for fan fiction. I have to say that I’m impressed. The dialogue flowed quite nicely throughout the whole thing, despite the occasional spelling and grammar errors. When you have such a massive amount of text to proofread it becomes increasingly harder to catch all of the mistakes, as your vision tunnels when you look at your own words over and over again.

What I liked most about the RP was the descriptions of Drake’s past, and how he ended up at this point in time. I personally wouldn’t agree with revealing everything about my characters history all at once, as things tend to burn out and become redundant, but you seem to be quite invested in revamping Drake’s character and you’ve hooked my interest on where Drake goes from here.

What I disliked most about the promo was that the seriousness seems forced in some areas. Drake’s character comes across as fun loving and naïve, and he seems content living in this bubble of ignorance that protects him from the evils of modern society. The only time Drake really ever gets serious is when he’s drunk, or has been drinking, and I think his serious moments need to reflect that side a little more. I don’t see Drake as being an intensely serious individual, but rather as a cocky type of serious that is displayed when one is utterly tanked.

Overall I really enjoyed the promo, and I can appreciate the time and effort you put into it.
 
Requested Feedback... Aftershock 4

Black Dynamite

What I liked most about the RP was the emotion that you used throughout the piece. It is imperative that the reader be able to feel either the emotions from the characters themselves, or from the descriptions.

What I liked least about the RP was that I found mutliple issues. Watch your spelling and grammer, as it really affects the flow of the piece. Another thing that I found confusing was the tone. I'm not sure just how West is supposed to come across; he starts off as cocky and arrogant, but then he suddenly switches and begins to feel sorry for himself with vague transitions in between. Your descriptions also need work; I didn't really feel much emotion from the crowd, and the scenery seemed rather vague. The last thing you need to work on is your dialouge. The word choice needs work, and the structure needs to be reorganized.

It was a great first effort; my advice would be to just keep trying.
 
Joe West:

First off, holy generic name Batman! I don't want to start digging on your character, but the name, the gimmick, and even the RP just felt so plain. When you want people to care about who you are and who you want to be. It doesn't help when the character can be easily forgotten like Joe West.

Beside that, the RP itself was pretty good describing Joe's past and his goals as a WZCW Superstar. It was well structured and had a good flow to it. Your grammar could use some work, but it was still pretty decent.

The RP had no promo on Darren Bull, AT ALL. Now when you want to make a quality, winning RP. You need to find a perfect blend between Character growth, background, and Promo on who you're facing. Once you can find that blend, you can make it in WZC W.

None of this is meant to be negative and all meant to be positive. If you need any help in the future with RP plans and the such, feel free to PM me and I will be more than happy to help.
 
Echelon

I liked the opening section with Laxus and Kenneth; it gave information about Celeste, her past and what she has been doing in the interim without swamping the reader. Perhaps there was a little too much superfluous action from Laxus and Kenneth but it was not overly distracting and helped frame the scene.

The interview with Becky was a "by the book" affair, or at least the book I subscribe to when it comes to outlining an RP - talk about previous week/opponent; talk about upcoming week/opponent; long/short term goals plus some character development all of which you hit upon. I especially liked the explaining of the 14/1/12 warning - Celeste certainly seems to be aiming high with the LL, WZCW title and Ty Burna being put on notice. With that, the chances of a Celeste/Barbosa confrontation increase and with Celeste's passed problems, that could be an interesting match-up.

I will be interested to see how Celeste comes on once she has more than her return to talk about - it is something of a crutch in early RPs - and has perhaps a storyline to integrate into. It is a slice of good timing that the return of this "peace and harmony" Celeste coincides with Toyota's renouncing of a similar outlook.

One thing about the whole RP that I would definitely change is the formatting of the text, particular that of spoken word. Having it all in bold is not all that pleasing to the eye, especially when Celeste and Becky are speaking back and forth. I am not suggesting a vast amount of colour such as I use/d for Barbosa that can make it look like a drunk five year old has gone mad with crayons but perhaps something that will have the spoken text stand apart from descriptive text and other spoken word.
 
Because I don't like asking for it...


Showtime:

  • Why'd Baller go 2010 on us suddenly in the beginning?

Miko/S.H.I.T.:

  • S.H.I.T. must like storytime books.
  • Doesn't seem so fond of snakes though.
  • Ty Burna's evil must be affecting his circuit boards. Imagine him as an Apostle.
  • I give it a 7/10. Standard work. Not much on story for TV though.
XXX/BK201
  • Man, it's been a while since I've seen these "sermons to the camera" style RP's. If anything, I remember Chris Jones doing them and he ended my long Mayhem title reign so I'm saying it's good. Don''t rely on it all the time though. It kinda get's old a tad fast.
  • The formatting. I see you're a fan of adjusting it (size & font) Try to vary the sizes and such more to make the speaking, narratives and such look different from one another. Everest and Barbosa tend to be great at it.
  • You said S.H.I.T. doesn't have any emotional issues or mental conflicts. His RP above kinda disclosed that.
  • 6/10. Very standard stuff. You can learn the ropes and vary it up as you learn.

Johnny Scumm/RDV:

Becky retreats even further as the chain on Scumm's jeans is detached and he wraps it around his right fist.

“Don’t worry Serra; I’m not going to hurt you. The only woman I’ve hit is Saboteur.”

“Come and see me in a few days Scumm, there was something I wanted to tell you, but I’ll wait until you’ve…calmed down”.

With that, Becky leaves the locker room, leaving Scumm on his own. With the chain wrapped loosely around his fist, a large part of it dangling from his hand, Johnny looks around the room.

“Calm…down? CALM…DOWN?!”

Shouting the words “Calm down” continuously to himself, Scumm swings the chain at the television, planting it directly through the centre of the screen. He walks around the locker room, almost beastlike, still shouting the two words. He sees a pair of Sunglasses beneath the locker labelled “Armando Paradyse”.
Click to expand...
I did not understand that part at first. Where'd the message come from? Pary's glasses?
  • People seem to miss the real point of the Mayhem division. It's not really that hardcore. It's more about young guys having to be "on-the-spot" in a hardcore environment. So guys who play up the whole "we're hardcore and can stand all pain" thing gets old fast.
  • 6/10 It was pretty average. Not paying attention to the other shows didn't go well because it made you look ignorant. But it picked up a bit with the whole "I'll baptize the belt with my blood". Too bad you baptized a kendo stick first instead.

Justin Cooper/Prophet:

* It's 11pm and it's a Monday Morning?
* FalKon won't like hearing about you not wanting to talk about ponies.
* 6/10. There was a lot written, but not much was really said.


Black Dynamite/Joe West

* Why is the narrative in pink? And then it's red? Why's the speech in black? Normally it's the other way around. Plus, this is DAMN short.

* 1/10 TOOOO Short. It said NOTHING about you. Why did the crowd boo because you drank water?
 
I still feel a bit weird critiquing RPs for guys that have been around much longer than I have, but I did promise FB-for-FB, so here goes:

Phoenix/Thriller:

I like the angle behind this match; two old vets returning at the same time and now facing off in a singles match for the first time (?) is very interesting. I also like how you've built yourself up as the harder-working, disrespected underdog against the former "golden boy" of the company.

You either have a great memory or did some great research on Drake's title opportunities, which I can appreciate since I haven't been in the fed that long.

Formatting was great and easy to read. Sorry there's not much else I can say, but I thought it was really well done. Good luck.

Black Dragon/Gelgarin:

I know you said you probably wouldn't read it, but I wanted to write this up anyway. This is just awesome work. I love the interaction with Dragon/Muse and Dragon/the reader.

This had a bit of everything in it: a little comedy (the "idiot bravado" lines), some sappiness (kiss at the end/"all worth it"), blood (great detail on the unmasking, by the way) and of course, the verbal attack on Burna/K.O.

The misspelling of "message" threw me off for a second, but otherwise, this was an entertaining read and really has me interested in your match. Good luck to you as well, and I see you successfully defending your belt.
 
Celeste Crimson

- It was nice to touch on Celeste’s past, but not spend too much time on it. She has been gone for a while, but it seems she is returning as a different person, so it was good to not waste too much space on a past that doesn’t seem to weigh overly much into whom she is now.
- It was good to get some explanation about the meaning of the return promos. Take notes Y2J ;)
- The exchange between Celeste and Becky was kind of hard to follow. Once I got into the flow of the conversation, I was okay. I don’t mind the lack of color, but I would have liked some indication that there were different people talking.
- I wanted to hate the bold, but I didn’t. It literally and figuratively made the speech stand out.

Dr. Alhazred

- I could have done without the part with the kids. All I got out of it was that the doctor has a temper and doesn’t get he’s a bad guy. If that was the point, then never mind this.

You’re lucky there’s a rule against attacking people in RP’s or I would be kicking your ass all over this place.
Click to expand...

- This killed your RP for me. I get that you were talking with a smark and the breaking the fourth wall joke can be funny. When I’m reading this, however, I am buying into the world you are creating in this RP. By throwing that line in there, you take me right back out of the world you created and make me have to buy back in, causing the rest of that paragraph to lose its effectiveness.
- I could’ve done without or with less of the cursing. I consider that to be a shock value thing to cover up poor writing. (One of my issues with the Attitude Era, but that’s neither here nor there) You are too good of a writer to rely on that gimmick.
- The last two big paragraphs were by far the highlights of this RP. It gave the character some depth, talked about your place in the Apostles, and set up your match this week very well. There are glimpses of brilliance there, I just wish there was more of it.

Johnny Scumm

- Formatting and grammar. You missed a line of color, and there were a few missed commas and apostrophes. I know this is harped on a bit, but if you finish your RP early, let it sit a day then go back and read it critically. Try as hard as you can to find stuff wrong. These little errors can easily be found and fixed before you turn it in.
- Being antagonistic and calling a wrestler by his last name is kind of out of character for Becky.
- The middle section was solid, if semi-generic. You did a good job of setting up your match and talking yourself up.
- The last section was a bit odd, but I think I liked it. Most people, when preparing for a Mayhem match, talk about how they are going to hurt the other guy so badly he loses. Scumm goes the other way and prepares to take punishment. The issue would be that you are showing that you consider Cooper to be a serious threat, even though you’ve talked down about him the whole RP. I liked the idea well enough to not dwell on that, however.

Mick Overlast

- I thought you did a very good job of portraying Vance Bateman.
- Like I said to Alhazred, ease up on the cursing. You don’t need it.
- To be honest, I had never read one of your RPs before this one, and I was very impressed. There is nothing breathtakingly amazing here, but this is the kind of solid RP that will win many more matches than it will lose.
Ricky Runn
- Missed some commas, but it’s more my OCD than a major error on your part.
- I wanted more about your actual match for the week, but what you did get in was pretty solid.
- Wait; I thought you were visiting the kid because you were in town for Ascension. But you are flying back to Chicago, then out to wherever the show is? This bugged me more that it probably should have.
- This RP was good, but I feel as though there wasn’t much to it. You and Austin are good people? We knew that. Holmes and Constantine are rich jerks? We knew that. Give me something new, something to make me want to see the match more than I did before I read the RP.
 
Jack Skinner (NightShiftLoser) - It's par for the course as to what an RP should do. Nothing special and spectacular and for how early you got this, I really beg the question - is this all you had for this week? If you were strapped for time that's understandable and I don't know your situation but as mentioned, fairly standard stuff, will give you a good performance out there but for a good showing in the Lottery, you need to find something you feel comfortable with and that you can milk for constant results.

Mark - D

Johnny Scumm (Rob Dam Van) - You made a formatting error in not making Becky's speech red. I like the challenge to Saboteur. You'd be out of your depth but I think you know that and it's admirable that you're determined. It's like Miz v Cena. Anyway, for me this RP is neither here nor there. There's a lot to it, that can't be denied, but for me it's a half step behind what you were trying to reach. I think at the very end you catch up with it and it makes me feel more involved. Your use of Serra is average, I like the sarcasm she gives off in response to the utter mistreatment Scumm gives her.

Mark - D+ - Overall not for me but I can it getting to a point where it will be.

Justin Cooper (Prophet) - I've seen books used as a narrative technique before but a TV show is different. I like that it starts after your victory and I like the metaphors that are used here, even if meant or not, it's a simple but powerful thing and this RP appeals to me, I think it's clear to see why you're the Mayhem champion. I liked this RP and I like the direction you're taking it. I think it's a bit obvious what the next 'episode' will be like but with the aspect of the result possibly changing things, it should make for an exciting read.

Mark - C+ - As a platform for the future this is ideal and what you want to be aiming for.

Joe West (Black Dynamite) - Straight away, formatting is different. I don't want to say wrong but it's untraditional and confusing for the reader. Hmmm. I get that you're new. You'll learn. We all have. For the analysis - why should the fans boo you? Give us a reason. Not just they boo straight away. I also find it weird for the fans to turn against you for being a fan and acheiving your dream in the face of adversity from people who don't like wrestling. Surely that's a face thing. At the end you've got into it and that's when you should be booed. You're new, the fans wouldn't know how to respond. Your ending is good. Get's that establishing factor that you were looking for.

Mark - N/A - Not rating this because you're a rookie and it's unfair. If a normal RP, F. Too short and weird formatting but you'll work out the kinks eventually.

S.H.I.T (Dance Commander) - A darker side to S.H.I.T or a heel turn? Whatever the case, this is a solid RP. I've not read any of your stuff before but the simplistic nature of the sentences just makes me think robot. The inhumane aspect and the work of Gustav to try and resonate with S.H.I.T on a human level. Simple and effective although I think you could've run down your opponents better.

Mark - C+ - I found it interesting and want to see where this is leading to.

Triple X (BK201) - Formatting man. I'm put off reading because it's up in my face. You run down the match well and I've gained a substantial understanding of just what Triple X is and why he's here. I like it, it works well and does the job it needs to.

Mark - B- - A nice way to enter. Keep it up and you'll be going places soon enough.
 
Austin Reynolds: You do such a good job of working with Ricky Runn. The ideal thing about your partnership is that you write Pancake's character with such ease and it all flows together rather nicely indeed. This RP is no exception. I like the dynamic that you've created between the two characters and I think that you should be proud of the cohesion that both of you guys work with. In the interest of giving the feedback possible, I also read Pancake's RP and both of you seem at ease with working as a team. I guess that's why you are Tag Champions. Nevertheless, I got the feeling that Pancake made his RP fit yours. It was something that was just patched onto the end of his so that it tied in with yours. Still, I don't think that is a problem of any kind. You write wonderfully well and I always enjoy reading the writing that you put out.

Steven Holmes: Before I teamed with you, I didn't realise how great a writer you were. I think since you stepped away from The Crashin Movement, you have honed your writing skills and become and excellent RP writer and partner. I think the best thing about your RP is the detail of which you over all of the bases. You talk about what happened last week, the dynamic with Constantine and Gordito. Personally, I think we work as a great team and it is going to b a great challenge for us to take on the Tag Champions. I think the strength of our joint-RP is that it ties in a little better than our opponents and it flows quite naturally. You have a great writing style that really matches your character and it never seems like a chore to read what you say. Excellent description too.

Blade: There is a reason that I give you feedback every week and it's not because we've developed a friendship over the last few years. It's that I honestly get a great amount of pleasure from reading your RP's. You see so in-sync with your character that I can't really tell where the character ends and the writer begins. That really is a marvellous strength and it translates onto the page with ease. You did something a little different this week by jumping around the settings but it worked and each of the settings told their own stories. What's more is that you used those stories to cover all of the details that are pertinent to the character of Blade. The teaming with Hammond, the angle with Overlast and your triple threat match this week. As per usual, your writing is exceptional and it is hard to find flaws with it. The only think I would have liked to seen more of was Blade attacking Gordito and Everest. But what you said got the point across rather succinctly and that never hurts. Excellent work as per usual.

Chris KO: Truth be told, this is the first time that I have read an RP of yours in it's entirety. But that is to detriment because this was a very well crafted piece of writing that I enjoyed. Again, the dynamic with Ty is one that has obviously taken some to be developed but it is beginning to flourish now. My concern is that you have given too much time in your RP to Ty and not focussed on Dragon. I know that you briefly mention how long you have been here with him and that he holds Ty's Championship. But I would have liked to have seen slightly more from you in that regard. Still, it is an intriguing RP that really blends with Ty's style. I can see that you are learning from him and that can only be good. Your writing is intuitive and interesting and it always seemed entertaining through. Good effort.

Showtime: A comprehensive RP from you, to say the least. The good thing about your writing, is that it covers everything in a really organic way and that can never be understated. Your teaming with Baller was always going to be a bit tricky, especially with the history between you two. Still, you've made it work and work pretty well in all honesty. I think that your writing of Baller seemed a little off at times but that's probably because I'm not really that familiar with how Baller writes any more. Still, Showtime's dialogue was very well-written and what's more, the RP made a lot of sense. I think you make an excellent heel and your writing as such is very entertaining. I love the way you are writing the NPC's in your RP and I think that adds a lot of depth to your character. Another fine RP, Show.

Steven Kurtesy: Fortune smiled upon you at the Roulette Rounds and I think that you did a great job of writing a match winning RP. However, it wasn't to be last round. That said,I think you haveanexcellent chanceof taking thetitle awaythisround. My initial thought was that Creative found the match to be a draw, simply because of the “Hot potato” situation that is going on with the World Title. If they had added another name onto that growing list, I think we would have found our main title with no credibility left. But as I said, I think you havea great chance of winning this week. Speaking from anentirely subjectivepoint of view, I think you may have did enough. If I was voting on the matches still, I would find this one hard to call. At the end of the say though, I would lean towards you. Your writing is good and although I think you give too much credit to your opponent, I appreciate the fresh approach you have taken to the match. A lot of people would feel worried or nervous about the bout but Kurtesy seems to have taken it in stride. That was nice to see and a refreshing RP to read. Good luck.
 
Phoenix/Thriller:

Blame my noobiness, but for the longest time I thought Phoenix was a character the poster, Phoenix made before Big Dave. But it is good to see his return. With that being said, I love how easy you make it for newcomers like myself to get a grasp on what kind of character Phoenix is and what he plans to do. You also give great insight into Drake and lead up to a very promising feud.
 
Kurtesy (FalKon Jack) - I like what you did with your RP. It was refreshing to see that you weren't so focused on winning the title as much as you were bringing the house down no matter if you did or not. Great use of Madison, the RP reads pretty well but as well as complimenting your uniqueness, I have to say it detracts from Kurtesy as not wanting it enough and it's almost as if you're accepting of defeat but don't really care. The mentioning of other means of getting a title shot are interesting and I'd make you a favourite for the Lottery but if you're not in it, that's because you're involved in the title match at Lethal Lottery.

Grade - B - Solid RP with a unique feel and good character although could've done that little bit more.

Titus (Lee) - Transitions smoothly from serious to comedic and then back to serious at the end. The comedy is outlandish and funny at the same time and overall I like this RP a lot. Only real complaint is not a lot of focus of Kurtesy, more on Ty but he's in the match so that's fine.

Grade - A- - Solid in every area. All round great RP bar one thing I didn't like but can deal with.

Celeste Crimson (Echleon) - I'm one for formatting personally but it's bareable to not have it. You perfectly articulate the career of Celeste so far in the first half of this. This is great for us who don't really know Celeste. The breaking of kayfabe saying she had a gimmick but that it became an actual matter of fact as a result was a nice touch. The mentioning of her having a child makes for a nice human connection for her face turn and then BOOM! The second half is even better. Having felt like I've heard enough without hearing from Celeste herself, you bring me more and I can't find a way to stop reading. This is perfectly executed stuff and is flawless.

Grade - B+ - Only thing I didn't like was the formatting in the end. Excellent RP.

Dr. Alhazred (Red Skulltula) - I'm not sure what it is but this RP just doesn't strike a chord with me. I enjoyed the breaking of the fourth wall snippet but other than that it was kind of just ok. The whole thing seemed setup to say that you're a nobody, that noone knows who you are and addressing your shortcomings in the ring. It's pretty much self-depricating throughout and while that's not a bad thing, it's not that good either. It had everything but the execution.

Grade - D+ - File it under 'rare miss'. For me it had the parts and the promise but just didn't resonate that well.

Chris K.O (Kermit Sparkle) - That last line sold it to me. It's clear to see what you're going for here and it is good writing that you manage to keep it up without dropping the ball anywhere. Maybe a little too Ty focused but that's the point so I have to let that slide to an extent.

Grade - C+ - Great in execution and as mentioned, loved the last line. You always know how to close an RP.

Black Dragon (Gelgarin) - Powerful. Very powerful. Your writing style is different to that of any others. It's exactly like a book and reading a tale. The dynamic of the Hano/Muse relationship is excellent and is potrayed just to my tastes. The breaking down of your opponent and Ty is a superb way to finish. The imagery just sticks into my head.

Grade - B+ - Powerful imagery and storytelling had me compelled. A fighting champion you most definitely are.

Barbosa (Барбоса) - So much is said and so much is done, it's almost hard to keep up with what's going on but I like it. There's so much intrigue about just what is going on in the head of Barbosa, it's something you always perfect and this is no different. I like this new personality, it's a great mix of ruthless and calculating. The solidified Barbosa instead of the fractured Barbosa makes for a more mature RP and your erraticness is gone. You've almost taken the same role Hunter had with you but with Toyota now being you. It's nice.

Grade - A - Can't find a fault here but then again you're one my favourite RPers.

Wasabi Toyota (GD) - Loved the endings syncing up together. The turn for Toyota is explained well here. I'm still not buying Toyota as a complete badass yet but it'll get there, I think I need to see more dastardly deeds before I'm sold on it. I like the motioning towards monster. Hopefully, you find a way to stand out from the rest of the guys who have that monster attitude to them. Time will tell though. Other than that it's a solid RP and you'll become a powerful heel in no time at all.

Grade - B- - Not buying the turn just yet but I'm liking Toyota less so it's happening.

Saboteur (JGlass) - Another one of my favourites, I like your determination at the start but when it really is three on one, you need help from Saxton. I like this team a lot. Mean Girls reference made me laugh. This works well as a tag team RP and also on a personal character level. The fear Saboteur exerts is great and it shows that everything going on around him is affecting his mindset. You strike up a good balance between personal story and talking about your match. The humour is good too. It's a solid RP and sets up Saxton's RP well.

Grade - B+ - Good RP but I found it lacking just a little bit in execution.

Action Saxton (DDP) - Sounds like it would've been a hell of an RP and to be fair, while this is just the synopsis, I still enjoyed it a lot. I know you had a lot but to make sure that everything got across and you didn't disappoint, this was brilliant for what it was and I like where Action Saboteur is heading.

Grade - N/A - I can't really grade it because it's more of a recap than it is an RP.

Sam Smith (Crock) - For a tag match, it's pretty much all about you. There seems to be a lack of converstation between you and your partner on your end and why it's not always essential to have that communication, it's a lot better to have it than not have it. Other than that, you focus on the LL and your aims and overall I'm 50/50 on whether I like it or not. Personally, it should've ended with Chelsea walking out. The rest feels a little forced.

Grade - C- - No doubt it's good but it doesn't resonate that well with me overall.

Matt Tastic (Killjoy) - Same thing as your partner, you focus a lot on yourself and the Lottery and the match seems like an afterthought. I liked the hospital scene although I do hate when wrestlers just get up and walk out. Barbosa did it and I hated it. It's unrealistic that you'd be able to do that. Other than that, the inner realisation is nice and I like that you're trying to be the best but this doesn't feel like a fresh take on an old cliche, it's just cliche. Your ending is good, which helps and the little you talk about your partner and opponent is good.

Grade - D+ - For what it is, it's ok. Nothing spectacular, nor memorable.

Mr. Baller (Baller) - Acceptable. You do a great job of setting up your partner's RP and the pointing out of an unwelcome alliance is the right way to go.

Grade - C - Perfectly fine for you but I'd pay more attention to Showtime's grade.

"Showtime" Cougar (Showtime Pie) - "you don’t want to lose these type of matches and wind up in a feud with Matt Tastic or Sam Smith" I love this line. It's the perfect way to say "this match isn't what I really want to do but to hell if I'm losing it regardless."
Your confrontation with Baller on your show further establishes that you don't trust each other or like each other but you're happy to work together towards a shared goal of not losing. Everything is strong but it did take me a while to grasp that Stonewall wasn't there (or at least I don't think he is).

Grade - B - Solid stuff and the combination of you and Baller works well.
 
Short and sweet feedback from me. If you've already had a match, I'm gonna pretend you didn't.

Brad Bomb

- Already in the Lottery & you're trying to stop two guys from getting in. But can you do it?

- It's a good RP, I like it. However, are Beckford & Bomb showing some signs of things to go wrong on Ascension? You're facing two pretty good opponents in Overlast & Hammond, won't lie. However, the team seems to show some signs of beginning to like each other, which could help.

- Like I said, it's short this week. Partnered with Beckford, the two of you should be stopping two men from getting into the Lottery. Well done there!

Grade: C

Darren Bull

- Darren "The Destruction" Bull still makes no sense, it's quite annoying. You continuously miss out the odd word here and there, which throws me off completely. I also don't see how "In my first match I had to go against some guy I have never met but I still won" is being treated badly. Also, you weren't being treated badly the next week, it was Roulette, no-one chose that. You also failed to explain why 1-1 wasn't good enough. You changed topic.

- "Then cameraman start setting up before I get late and miss the hot babes." IT SOUNDS SO STUPID. You sound about 14. Section 2 again has lots of words missed, it's really frustrating.

- Finally, section 3. Stop complaining you don't know who the guy is. It doesn't mean he's going to be bad because you don't know him. Also, that final section is very short, could've just been merged with the second.

- Now, your match. You're only winning here because of your opponent. Had you been up against anyone else who isn't called Ryan Raynes, you'd have lost.

Grade: E

Phoenix

- First off, one thing, your RP's are always short! I just want...more I guess. Could you have thought of a better words than "Spazzes". It's so, meh.

- Your focus on Drake though, is second to none. You've definitely done your research. Also, double post?

- Your match...Well I compare to Drake Callahan & I don't think you'll be qualifying this week. Sorry.

Grade: D+
 
Johnny Scumm

I'm just going to read through this and point out anything that I like, dislike or thinks needs pointing out.

First, you often switch between past and present tense and that needs to stop. As a reader, it is really weird to the eye. Most of the opening is in the present tense but things like “was being tended to” suggest that you are writing in the past tense. Pick a tense and stick with it. If you struggle with tenses, send it to someone before you post it and get them to check it for you.

Who is Scumm talking to in the first segment? I know he is talking to the EMT at first but surely they wouldn't stick around to hear his diatribe if he pushed them away? I think I said this to you before, I would work on trying to get people involved in these parts, even if that means having the EMT talk to him.

He walks out the door and then opens it.

I think you should work on breaking your text up a little. In the segment where you talk about kicking in Bateman's door, there is too much going on. It just seems a little convoluted. Try and be more succinct.

“I” wouldn't do that. Not “You”

I think the way Bateman's changes his mind in relation to your Lethal Lottery shot is a little unnatural. He says that he has lost faith in Scumm but then rewards him with a qualifier. Seems a little odd, no?

The cameraman didn't need to be there. If you have an NPC, then the speech is natural, unlike the first segment. The cameraman would only need to be there if there was no NPC present. If you are going to include him, then use your description like you are watching a film. Like “Scumm turns to the camera again, with a fiendish look in his eyes”. That seems more organic.

You make no mention of leaving the building that houses Bateman's office but you are suddenly back at Scumm's apartment. I think that could have done with being fixed.

You might think, after all that, that I didn't like your RP. But strangely, I did, I've read all of your RP's, strangely enough, and I can see that they are getting a bit better. Your writing is coming along and when you eradicate some of the little mistakes from your work, then you'll be on course for some success. I suggest re-reading your RP before you post it and sending to to someone for a critique after you are happy.
 
Sam Smith: Hmm! I am stuck between thoughts as I quickly ponder how much I liked this RP. Did I like it enough to think that you could win? Or did I like it enough to think that you could be a major player in the Lethal Lottery? The answer to both, is an undoubted “yes”.

What strikes me about your RP, is that it is really simple. However, you make everything flow really, really well. The last RP, I read form you was your RP against Holmes and I and I think that you needed a loss. To be honest, I liked that RP too but it was clear that you were running out of steam against Holmes and Constantine. You had said everything that needed to be said. I was in that position with Numbers and I'll bet Numbers feels the same way. There is only so much you can say about one person before something needs to change. Personally, I think that you losing the title is good for Smith. You were a great Champion and sometimesit's nice to see characters like that facing a tougher time. It's all about the way you bounce back and you seem to have it nailed.

You covered everything that I wanted to hear from Smith and your writing is leap years ahead of some of the people in this eFed and that probably includes me. You've come a long way and it#s not hard to see why. This was an extraordinary RP that leaves perplexed as to why I liked it so much. The teaser at the end, whilst being unnecessary in the writing leaves wondering what you have planned for Smith and that's exciting. Awesome stuff, man. I really enjoyed this.

Blade: Another damn fine RP, sir.

What I think is really interesting about the character of Blade and the RP's that he is constantly found in, is that it all has a concurrent theme running through it. They all jump around a little and you divide your time well between the angles that have befallen you and the wider pictures that are taking shape around Blade. I tend to think that the more you jump around in an RP, the less effectiveness you have overall. That said, I think you are the exception that proves the rule. It is quickly becoming your trademark style and something that I have grown accustomed to seeing from you. With that in mind, I think you pull it off extremely well.

Getting right down to it, I think you needed more about your opponents but I find myself saying that about everyone. And since Constantine can't rub two wins together right now, what does my opinion count for? Both the segments you have written are wonderfully written, as is expected of you now. Your description is really logical and I appreciate that more than anything. You do it just as well as Holmesand you two are about my favourite for descriptive text.

Really, there isn't much more to say other than I am very much enjoying reading your work and I really enjoy how you are writing Blade as a sort of ring-leader to the Sons. I think the Lethal Lottery/Destiny angle is working for you and you're writing that exactly how it should be done. I am growing more convinced by the round that you're going to win the Lottery and I can't wait for that. Not before time. Excellent read.

Saboteur: Total shit. Fuck you!

…

In all seriousness though, this is the first RP of yours that I have read. But it certainly wont be the last. During the RP, I found myself actually laughing. Not like a “LOL” but an actual laugh and that's really important. I often thought that I would have liked to have written a character that would make people laugh but I'm just not that funny really. Still, you are,and it works perfectly for you.

Your character reminds me a lot of a mix between Action Saxton and Barbosa and that's nothing to be scoffed at. Two of the most entertaining characters around and you fit in with ease. I honestly loved this RP and the off the wall nature of it all. The writing is very good for someone who hasn't really been here for long but you've taken to it like a duck to water. You should be proud of your writing skills. Obviously you are a good writer but that doesn't always translate into writing a quality RP. For you, it's different. this is good stuff and something that I really e joked. Saboteur, as a character, is going to be someone that I enjoy reading and you take all the credit for that.

I'm sorry that I didn't understand some of the allusions that you made but that's only because olive haven't read enough of your work. Trust me, from now on, I will.
 
Dave (Constantine): I liked this a lot. It felt like a pre-show from WWE or something of the sort. You covered your entire history with Showtime, from when you helped him win the Elite X Championship, to when he betrayed you, up until the present. You looked like the lackey (more on this later) to Showtime throughout your angle, but in this you managed to equalize yourself with him -- you talked about how YOU got him the Elite X Championship, how YOU won him the Lethal Lottery, how YOU got him into the main event of Kingdom Come. You turned what could have been a hard hole to dig yourself out of, into the best part of your RP.

I felt a bit of a "face" aura at first, but later on that seemed to be out of the way. I loved the little things you did with Constantine's mannerisms too -- little things like cutting Leon off with just your finger go a long way. To top that off, you wrote with such passion, it seemed, when talking about what Showtime did to you, you kept me interested throughout.

Now, like I said, I want to discuss how Constantine came off as a "lackey" and how you did a great job of connecting that to your present situation with Holmes -- actually, you did a good job of making the two things seem separate. Holmes may need you, but he won't get one over on you, whereas Showtime did... It intrigues me for your future with Holmes, but it adds fuel to your fire with Showtime.

You sold the match to me. You made Constantine look like he had one hell of a chance and Showtime'll be hard-pressed to beat you here.

Blade: Good stuff here. The beginning oozed "bad guy" to me. You treat Hammond and Overlast so rudely, you're like a drill instructor, but by that same token, you manage to convince them that it is needed. Reading that to start immediately sets the tone for the rest of the RP. It gives you an image of who Blade is and what he strives to be.

The second part with Bateman is just golden, though. You managed to get some chuckles, but you stayed very serious and stuck to your point. You built yourself up as a direct opponent to Ty Burna, someone who could be a serious threat to him, and that does wonders for the readers' perception of you. Ty Burna is a legend, but you're unfazed by that. Very effectively written and carried out. As if that wasn't enough, you did a great job of writing the banter between Bateman and Blade, adding in simple lines of descriptive text that really help build an image of what is going on in one's head.

Awesome RP.

Pancake (Ricky Runn): This RP was funny and gave insights into Ricky's character, but that dominated the RP. There was only a small portion where you focused on S.H.I.T. The discourse between Ricky and the supporting cast was nice, but you should have tried to weave you match this week in more effectively. I mean, you didn't completely neglect your opponent, but for all the talk of not taking S.H.I.T. lightly, you seemed to (just a bit). I don't mean to nitpick, but I don't like your transitions either. I'm just so used to lines, that your transitions seemed hidden inside of the description.

Overall, I liked it. I gave you some criticism, but it was pretty good. Nicely done.

The Best (Stevenson Marquel): Good to see you back! I can't comment much on this, as it is your debut, but it does the job. You incorporate your gimmick into your RPs very well, referring to rappers, to crime, to where you're from, etc. and that's always a plus. The main thing you wanted to do here was just that, introduce your gimmick and familiarize your reader with your character. You did an excellent job of that.

With time, I think you'll get better and better with this character, but this is a good starting off point.

Ty Burna: Hot damn, great RP. Your descriptions are what get me hooked every time. you don't spare a detail. So many people need to sit down and take a page out of your book on that. Your RP also had great progression and it was all-encompassing. You talked about your opponents, you talked about the Apostles, you talked about your partners, you covered it all. Reading that RP brought me up to pace with the biggest storyline in WZCW and with what Ty wants to accomplish and what he has accomplished.

Textbook stuff here. You tore everything apart and broke it down piece by piece. You reminded everybody of why you were the longest reigning World Champion ever.
 
Sam Smith (Crock): Holy monologue batman! This was a damn fine one at that. But there were a couple things that felt out of the loop during the whole thing. Their really wasn't much of a setting which threw me right into the dialog. I had no idea if Smith was in his home or if he was in the Playboy Mansion. You don't need to make the setting all big and flashy, but you need to give the reader some sort of idea where the story is taking place.

Also, the description felt a little lacking, which kinda falls into the setting. Early in the RP you reference Sam Smith staring at a photo. But the readers never really got any idea as to what is inside the photo. So imagining Sam Smith staring at a blank photo kinda bugged me. Another thing that bothers me are lines, I know you may like them, but it just feels kind of lazy not helping the reader ooze into the next scene with some transition other than a line of -------------------------------------.

Now onto the RP itself, like I said this was a very text book monologue. You do a great job going into your match last week but not having it surround your RP. You also do a great job in finding a parallel between you and your foe, Austin in the Elite X Championship. Despite Austin having a longer run than you, you want to prove that you are not only better than Reynolds. But also ready to jump ship and break in to the main-event. I might have a biased opinion (Okay, maybe it is.) But it just felt odd that you were putting down a fellow Face Austin by saying he settled for being half of the Tag Team Champions. The last bit towards the end of your RP felt plugged in, it didn't hurt your RP by any means, but it would not have hurt not having it at all.


Overall: I thought it was simple, but very effective RP. It is a perfect way to get ready for the next round which is Lethal Lottery (I think.) Keep up the good work.
 
So... I thought I'd offer some feedback to folks but since this is my first cycle I don't know everyones character all that well at this point. I thought I would give feedback on things like how easy I found it to read, or if there was anything that sounded outright wrong while I was reading it...

AFTERSHOCK
James Howard v Mikey Stormrage
This one is my match, so yeah no feedback.

Joe West vs. Darren Bull vs. Triple X vs. Armando Paradyse

1. Joe West (Black Dynamite)
An interesting roleplay. I like the way you talk about being bullied then turn it around and act a bit like a bully towards the interviewer. Good heel showing. I know Numbers already mentioned that you didn't use a WZCW interviewer for a locker room promo so I'm not going to bring it up.

2. Triple X (BK201)
I loved the callback to Joe West's Promo, one of the big advantages of posting a while after your opponent. One thing I would say negatively though is Armando isn't the current Mayhem Champion. He lost it after a week, that would probably have given you more stuff to talk about too.

3. Derren Bull
I'll edit this post when its up

4. Armando Paradyse
Being retired so if an RP appears I'll comment on it but not expecting it.

Mr Baller v Matt Tastic

1. Matt Tastic (The Killjoy)
Holy long RP Batman! I liked it and the nerd in me loved the DBZ references. The various conversations you have with yourself and Becky and Vance were interesting. Good way to write in some more different and interesting framing devices for the next few months.

2. Mr Baller
Will edit in when it's done

Brad Bomb v Jack Skinner v Justin Cooper

1. Jack Skinner (NightShiftLoser)
I want to read a lot more about your character after reading this, I don't know anything about him. You added a lot of depth to a side character in Becky too, showing her character rather than just getting her to be a blank interviewer.

2. Justin Cooper ("Hollywood" Prophet)
I have no idea what the hell is going on with Cooper at the minute but you have an actual character arc going and events going on around him to talk about and react to. I'm really not a fan of monologues but I liked what you did with it.

3. Brad Bomb (newc868)
I liked the idea of you going off on a diatribe to one of your friends whilst in a coffee shop. As I said, I'm not a massive fan of monologues but this seemed to work because you were bouncing off your friend.

Stevenson Marquel vs. Ace Stevens vs. Hiro Kota Koji

1. Hiro Kota Koji ([Heel] Green Ranger)
Not a fan of monologues (hey, it looks like I have a catchphrase!) But as an introduction to the character it works pretty well. Not sure about the sakura blossom thing, you've made a difficult line to walk for yourself as you could easily come across like a flowery undertaker but as a first ever RP I thought it was pretty good.

Stevenson Marquel (The Best)
Good concept. I'm disappointed that you didn't really go for it with the rhyming (it's really difficult to talk in rhyme so I don't blame you from backing away a little) But I think you would benefit from formatting it more like rap lyrics. Try to keep sentences short and have one sentence per line it'll work really well.

Ace Middleton (Sanka Coffie)
We have similar styles of writing, which meant I really liked your RP automatically. Nice touch with the magic trick at the end but I would only use that rarely or you'll go from mean-spirited comic to a malevolent children's entertainer (Like Mr. Jelly on Psychoville.)

I think that covers all the RPs for Aftershock. I'll have a look at the Meltdown and Ascension RPs when I get chance.
 
Stevenson Marquel

- Holy mother of god this is one hell of an RP. Great one for the first RP of your new character, brilliant introduction. I never realised that Marquel is nearly 42, he's still got it for his age, impressive

- It's a great story, the life of Stevenson, it really makes me wonder how much thought and time you put into it, it's great work. I'd always imagine a character like this, a rapper & former criminal to still be a heel of some kind, so I'm finding it difficult to settle as him being a face.

- Then your focus on the triple threat is impressive. Paying attention on both of your opponents, it's great. You know, Marquel has been so badly injured in his life I didn't think he could be a wrestler, but with an RP like this, hell yeah he's gonna be a wrestler, which bring me to this;

- Your match. I think you've got it in the bag for your debut match. There's a possibility that Ace Stevens comes out on top, but I'm pretty sure that you'll be on top of this. Well done.

Grade: B-

James Howard

- Your RP's a little different, the way you talk in first person, I like it.

- Howard's an interesting character, having ended another Cage Fighters career, moving onto wrestling. I wasn't sure at first if WZCW would hire him due to his dangerous nature, but he's changed, it's good.

- There's not much to say here, it's a simple debut RP and it's good. My thoughts on your match? You've got this one, to be honest. It looks like Stormrage copied your RP down to a tee, they're so similar in writing, but yours is better. Still just an average debut RP

Grade: C-

Constantine

- This motherfucker's long. The idea behind the RP is great, having the "WZCW Chronicles". The relationship between Constantine & Showtime has certainly been rocky to say the least.

- The history of "The Power Trip" recap is nice, but Constantine really thinks he pushed Cougar into the big time. Actually, Constantine thinks that he done everything that made Cougar what he is today.

- First match since Cougar ended TPT, hmm. It's certainly going to be interesting to say the least. You've got a great RP and you're up against a great opponent, who also has a great RP. I can't decide, who begin to think who's going to win this one.

Grade: B

Sam Smith

- Starting off, not pleased at all about last weeks match? I can understand, you didn't win, it's a shame.

- You're facing one half of the tag team champions, can he beat you on his own? You did beat one half of the champions last week, maybe you could do the double now. Just a note that Pancake made as well, what's the photo of? You're just holding "a photo". I would assume it was you holding the Elite X Title, but we've no idea.

- Really focused on the Lottery/Kingdom Come, much like many of us are right now. What is it with everyone wanting autographs this week? You're the third guy I've spotted along with me & Barbosa. The last little scene, it's short, but it's nice.

- You've definitely got your work cut out against Austin Reynolds and I'm not sure how a win looks right now. However, I did like the RP, no doubt about that.

Grade: B

Ricky Runn

- Facing off against everyone's favourite mechanical murderer. The date thing at the start is real nice, but I don't see the need of it, apart from maybe for storyline purposes.

- However, your focus on S.H.I.T is pretty good, you know he's dangerous and you've gotta be very careful of that. You also know that he can use all of your moves against you, so it's like you have to find a way to wrestle yourself, which is going to be difficult. I'd shy away from you calling RRR the "greatest tag team of all time", you've not defended those belts yet.

- You see, because I didn't really like that date thing at the start, there's not much to say about the rest of the RP apart from that I like that bit. Your match should be interesting, because you're facing a character who's making his way up the ranks, becoming a lot more interesting. I'm 50/50 split right now, finding it tricky.

Grade: C+
 
So - I decided to write the Ascension Feedback before I headed off to work. Again nothing too in-depth but I'll do my best to give feedback to everyone.

Austin Reynolds v Sam Smith

1. Sam Smith (The Crock)
I'm not a fan of monologues. The way you emphasised legendary, and went on to talk about the legacy you're going to leave behind worked really well. Nice touch with the autograph segment.

2. Austin Reynolds (Numbers)
I enjoyed reading this. I had Edge in my head and imagined him having had similar conversations at some point in his career. That being said I'm REALLY not a fan of monologues. When it builds into something more though I did really get into it.

Saboteur v Johnny Scumm

1. Saboteur (JGlassius)
Alvin worked well as a character to talk to, and by not following saboteur from start to end you get to see the story around him as well as hearing what he has to say.

2. Johnny Scumm (Rob Dam Van)
I like it. There are some issues with tenses and stuff but others have already brought it up. The conversation with Kline worked and the bit about Penguins was pretty funny. The slow face turn you seem to be making is effective.

Ricky Runn v S.H.I.T.

1. Ricky Runn (Pancake)
Good use of your tag-team partner, it keeps the team working even though you are in singles matches this week. The way you wrote both yourself and Austin Reynolds works really well. Nothing seemed out of character and it felt like a team giving each other a pep talk before a singles match.

2. S.H.I.T. (The Dance Commander!)
I really love the idea of a robot made of cardboard. You commit to it too - even if I can't help but think of the robot from LMFAO. I do kind of want to know who ordered you to take out Pumpkin Man. Slight grammar nit-pick though "you're on thin ice" not "your on thin ice"

Black Dragon v Steven Holmes

1. Steven Holmes (Funkay)
This character is fantastic. You write him well and you use the right vocabulary for a turn of the century guy. I agree with your own assessment that you are channeling Derek Jacobi as the Master with a drop of Basil Rathbone's Sherlock Holmes.

2. Black Dragon (Gelgarin)
Wow, that was a short story. It felt like a chapter from a book. I can't wait to read another RP by you. I'm sorry Funkay, I loved your RP but this one is the sort of thing that is absolutely my style.

Mick Overlast and Scott Hammond v Everest and Alexander Steele

1. Scott Hammond (Low-Ki)
I liked the way you set the scene, though I found the orange text a bit hard to read. Good use of the other characters there too. A really effective RP.

2. Mick Overlast (Mick Overlast)
A good continuation of Hammonds RP - it's what I genuinely like to see from a Tag Team.

3. Alexander Steele (falconsault)
I like the description of the locations, it reminds me of the X-files. I've said this soo many times today I'm just going to add it to my sig. I don't like monologues. It was well framed though and I enjoyed reading it.

4. Everest (michigan)
Short and sweet. After reading all of these RPs in the last hour or so I'm truly glad to read one that is so brief and to the point. At one point you did say "the Leon" I assume it's a side effect of changing from a generic reporter to using a WZCW stock character.

Wow, after reading these RPs and comparing them to my own I have a LOT of work to do...
 
Stevenson Marquel- There was a lot of good in this RP, and there was some not so good as well. The concept was fantastic, taking someone on a tour through their old neighborhood where there is a lot of memories. I’m not sold on Leon being his guest, as I generally think of Leon as someone designed for wrestlers to take advantage of and ridicule. If I were in your position, I may have created a character to use there, maybe use as a recurring character, like a documentary filmmaker or something.

I loved that you set up a future recurring character with the friend in prison. Pretty wise move you made there dude. In fact, you really set the scene for lots of recurring characters. Writing future RPs should be easy with such a large cast of characters to tap.

It was too long. You could have saved other stories for future RPs. It was just too much emotion crammed into one RP, and by the time I reached the third story the novelty had worn off.

The rhyming man… either get better, or don’t do it. I understand you probably thought it was a cool part of the gimmick, but honestly, it reminded me of that YouTube video of the worst rap battle ever.

Overall, I still thought this was a very good RP, and it is definitely a match winner. I look forward to seeing your character develop.


Saxton- Had me laughing right off the bat. The rhyme scheme was hilariously cheesy, but smooth as well. And Chop Chop Master Onion? Hilarious.

“Uwaaaa!!” Best onomatopoeia. Ever.

And was that a Booker T reference to wrap it all up?

Solid, solid RP. I like that Saxton was the only one to talk, as it allows him to get on a roll, and when Saxton starts rolling, so do the heads. His dialogue here is very smooth, he transitions nicely between the current situation and his flashbacks (Family Guy take note), and he never slows down or disappoints. It was a short enough read that it didn’t need any sort of break in the action, and you didn’t provide one.

Overall I think this RP could be a match winner, but then again, Wasabi Toyota brings a lot to the table… and then eats it. It’s a hilarious conversation with Saxton that was a great read, but is that enough to win matches? I don’t know, but in my book winning matches always comes second to having a good time, and you definitely had a great time writing this and I had a good one reading this, so in my book you’ve already won.

Toyota- A very funny RP that had me laughing out loud at certain points, but was light on actual wrestling related stuff. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing, as mine are usually pretty light on wrestling too, but it felt like, since it was more of a promo than an adventure RP, you could have delved into it more.

I loved the picture you painted with the kids and Toyota and the principal, and the funniest part was the cartoon, which painted a very vivid picture in my head.

I thought you could have allied yourself with Ty Burna more. I know it’s not Wasabi’s nature to kowtow to anyone, but this is Ty Burna we’re talking about, half owner of all of WZCW. It wouldn’t hurt to kiss a little ass if you really want that title match.

I can’t tell if passing up interesting metaphors or elaborate descriptions in favor of “could turn something really hot into ice,” type of phrases is lazy or genius. You’re not going to beat Doc at the game of funny descriptions, so is it wiser to not even try, or give it a valiant effort to show you at least gave it a shot? I’m not sure.

Overall: It’s funny how you and Doc went with similar RPs where you talked to a group of students, I wouldn’t be surprised if you planned it ahead, but they offset each other well. I really liked both of your RPs, and honestly, I can’t choose a winner. They’re both funny and both provided me with a very good mental picture. In ways, yours is stronger: you mention what happened last week and your direction in the company. In other ways, yours is weaker: you dip into your character less and I’m not really hanging on your every word.

I don’t envy the boys on creative for having to pick a winner here.

Constantine- There are some problems I have with your character, but you’ve been doing this long enough to know your character better than I, so I won’t pick at it.

The RP was good. Very good. I love this show you came up with, and I hope that other RPers use it in the future, I know I will somewhere down the road. Leon played a good host, reminiscent of how Scott Stanford plays host on WWE shows or how JB plays host on TNA shows.

Constantine seemed very calculated in everything he said, which I liked. Politicians, at least the good ones, don’t say anything without thinking it over carefully beforehand and crafting their sentences to say exactly what they want, and I thought your RP reflected that.

It wasn’t an exciting read, but it was an interesting one. For someone who is relatively new to the fed like me, getting a look into the past was very interesting. However, I’m not sure this will interest creative as much as it interested me.

Overall I think this RP might fall a little short, especially against a guy like Cougar that has a masterful control on his character. The concept was really cool, but I think it would better on a lesser opponent, not one that you have a history with and one that holds a lot of power in the fed. There was a lack of emotion here, and when you look at Showtime’s RP which begins with “John Fucking Constantine,” it makes it seem like Constantine hasn’t really accepted how big a deal this rematch is, even if he says he does.
 
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