RP Feedback Thread

[a0161613]

J4L/Johnny Scumm: Nice heelish whining going on there. Exactly the kind of attitude I expect from this kind of character. I’m not sure Bateman would accept it from one of his employees but anyway, why would Scumm care about that. You might have underestimated Alex Steele as he is a returning former tag champ.

A hiccup on the formatting at a crucial part of the RP threw me off a bit.

I would have formatted the speech of the real Johnny Scumm differently. It didn’t need to be another colour, blue and italics would have worked a treat. How you did it came off a bit Barbosa-lite.

I liked the cheese grater bit. Again, something I can imagine the character doing. I wish the words hit home as hard as the imagery. The change in character should have been more than a cheese grater, I was expecting quite an explosive change in language; it ended up being a bit damp. I guess it could be seen as a good thing as you built the change well.

 

[Johnny Scumm]

Mick Overlast
- Mick, Mick, Mick. Don't write your RP's in two parts. I'm pretty sure you're only allowed to write one and even though we know you've wrote one, you've posted two parts, making it look like you've done a separate. Also, with the "To Be Continued", it makes me want to go away and then come back later and read part two, which I can never guarantee I'm going to do.
- I don't really like the first "half" if you can call it that. There's something about it, where you seem way too friendly. I know you're a heel, do you have good friends? Just a thought.
- Second half is a lot more solid. The first really doesn't do much for me and I'd have preferred just to have read the second. Your focus on your match, but also your partner, due to previous altercations is all good.
- You're up against Skinner & S.H.I.T though, who I like very much so. Gonna be a difficult match.

Baez
-

Quickly, he picks up the call and answers with all the class in the world.

"Wha, wha? Whadaya want?! I'm busy!"

I loved that.
- Your handling of Bowen is pretty much perfect. Although I don't think that he would call Baez a "Twerp". That's a bit strange.
- The end handling of Bowen again, is great and it makes Baez/Bowen seem like they're gonna be working well together, but it might get explosive.
- You've got a good chance you two. Which brings me onto..

Alex Bowen
- Thanks for the mention. It was a great way of talking about how you're the best and no-one can go toe to toe with you.
- Really, really great use of words and speech by Bowen, really pulled me into this one.
- Towards the end, the way you describe the Company.
- Bowen really needs to keep his eye out for others who might spring up and attempt to take his title though, because you focus on the main set of people and that is that.
- With yours & Baez's RP's and not having read the others, I think you've set a very high standard to beat.

Austin Reynolds
- Man, I love it.
- Poor Austin, didn't have the best of luck when he was younger. Beaten down by the GM & then losing to the Bowen's.
- Then we're back in the present day and MOM aren't even there?! Shame.
- But, Reynolds is! The last section is great and the ref shirt? I don't get that, but I might've missed something.
- I'll read Ricky's RP later, but I think you should be picking your match stipulation.

 

[NSL]

Johnny Scumm - Interesting RP. I think it's better than most of what you've done, and seems more..."real", for lack of a better term. It's a solid heel promo, and a good character. You covered the past and present, and told us what you're aiming for, in the future, which I think helps, and is almost necessary. Also, good formatting/writing.

 

[Leeds Guy]

Jack Skinner - I enjoyed the opening, it's not often the Ascending 10 is used in an RP so to me it's a fairly unique way to start. The writing is very good and the description is spot on. The interaction with Becky is wrote well as she is used perfectly here. If I have one criticism of it it's that the RP just ends out of nowhere. Mid sentence he says his goodbye and that then that's it. I feel you could have perhaps gone into a little more detail on the other guys in the match other than SHIT. You gave Justin Cooper one line. I think it could have been better but ultimately a decent enough RP.

Steven Kurtesy - The description as always is brilliant. I loved how you likened yourself to the 'kids' not one year ago. The interaction between Kurtesy and Sandy furthers the RP. Overall this is very good stuff and I don't have any criticisms of the RP at all. Sorry I couldn't say more.

Steven Holmes - Again the description is perfect, and you set the tone well with your introductions. The reveal of Constantine was well done and after the basic Q+A you finish up strongly with Constantines words. Good stuff man.

 

[Kermit]

Baller

• Good flow, but I can’t help but feel that it was a little dull.
  
• Nothing really jumped out at me as, “Wow this is an ‘A’ level roleplay.”
  
• I like the move to bring up the Apostles of Chaos again, but I feel that it should be the capped after this round.
  
• Heckling with Bateman, who has a heelish persona, and complaining about Ty Burna, who is the WZCW’s biggest heel, makes Baller look kind of like a tweener.
  
• I am still feeling the “whiny heel” vibe from him, but I think any further extension would just make him look more like a tweener.
  
• I’m interested to see where the lawyer story arc will go from here. Hopefully this will be incorporated into WZCW TV.
  
• My biggest concern is the complete lack of “polishing” your piece. Gems look better cut than they do uncut.
  
• Random grammatical errors and missing colors on text make this roleplay look unfinished.
  
• Those things can’t be ignored for a man who is trying to hunt the big title.
  
• Summary: Overall it is a solid piece that doesn’t stray far away from the basic formula. BUT, that is a double edged sword, and in combination with grammatical errors, the roleplay seems forgettable.

Titus

• Genius.
  
• One of my recent concerns has been with unofficial tag teams who don’t culminate a roleplay between them and their partner.
  
• This is exactly what they should be doing in my opinion.
  
• You brought Sam Smith into your character’s world and meshed him well with your character.
  
• I loved the usage of Sam Smith’s rep for your roleplay.
  
• No complaints about format or grammatical errors from me. I did only do one read-through however.
  
• Summary: Overall it is a great piece that blended you and your partner well. This is Tag Team Champion worthy stuff right here.

Sam Smith

• To be honest, this is the first time I’ve ever read one of your roleplays.
  
• I definitely see flawless structure in your writing. It flowed very well.
  
• Again, I’m glad to see unofficial tag teams including their partner in their roleplay.
  
• My only complaint here is the length. I finished it and still wanted more, which is a good thing. I just didn’t exactly feel satisfied as a reader.
  
• However, I think it meshes well with what Titus did.
  
• It was short, sweet, to the point, and looked pretty.
  
• Summary: Overall, It's a well-polished piece of work that probably could have had a little more.

Numbers

• Yay! Character development!
  
• Great idea to use an indie fed as a platform for your history with tag teams.
  
• Interesting use of in-ring promos in your roleplay. It’s not a commonly used method.
  
• I’m not sure how high I am on the fact that you didn’t use Ricky Runn, as a speaking character, in your roleplay.
  
• No complaints about structure or grammatical stuff. It looked very nice my friend.
  
• Summary: Overall, it was a pretty roleplay with some interesting character development. Only complaint is the distinct lack of Ricky.

Ricky Runn

• Now, you have me sold on Rachael and Ricky. You have caught my attention with the duo and I’m curious to see the continuous flashbacks.
  
• Rachael is a great secondary character in developing Ricky’s character.
  
• You started off well with tenses, but it slowly fell into the usual, back and forth problem.
  
• As a reader of most of your roleplays, this is a huge step up from last week. Continuity was not a problem, and the usage of Rachael benefited to Ricky’s character highly.
  
• Summary: Overall, this roleplay was engaging and fun, but your usage of tenses still holds you back.

 

[The Crock]

Chris K.O.

• I like the opening with the quote, always a plus.
• Creative transition there with the whole eye thing, but it's a bit cheesy.
• You're really traveling down the "dark" path with K.O. -- it's coming off very nicely.
• Biff Loman reference. AWESOME.
• I really like how you tied all of it together, with the flashbacks, the play, and the match. Only problem being that you probably should have focused more on your opponents. I get what you were trying, but sometimes it's better to go simple and straightforward, man.
• Overall, I like it. It was interesting, offered some insight into K.O.'s past, the formatting was solid, all-around good effort. It lacked in a few spots, like covering your opponents thoroughly, but it didn't necessarily hinder it too much.

Steven Kurtesy

• Really good intro, great description to start it off. It really sets the tone for what you are about to read.
• I like the role reversal here, with Kurtesy as the student.
• Deserts and Kurtesy have a chemistry that is pretty unmatched by any other characters in WZCW. You write them VERY well.
• I really enjoy how you put in a sentence or two in between each set of dialogue. Not only is the description really well done, but it offers a more "human" element to your characters.
• The ending is great. I absolutely love how you tied it all in, especially the last line. It was gold -- really set up the match and the future for Kurtesy perfectly.
• Overall, VERY solid RP. I didn't find any flaws with this and seamlessly made my way through it.

Blade

• Great first sentence. Makes Blade seem worried, nervous, really nicely done.
• Bit of tutelage going on here. Blade trying to guide Hammond through his match, making sure he wins. To me, it makes Blade seem insecure, like most heels are.
• Referring to the fans as "sheep" is a good call -- no easier way to put yourself over as a heel.
• Good idea to cover Saxton, but to jump back and talk about losing your EurAsian Title. It keeps Blade's ultimate goal in mind.
• Blade seems hungry, he wants more. He's a classic heel.
• Overall, I like the discourse between Blade and Hammond. The whole RP just exudes HEEL to me. You really seem to be in control of your character -- nicely done.

Dr. Alhazred

• First thought: "What the hell?" That's not a bad thing, though.
• I should have known you were going to bring a totally new idea, something aside from the norm here in WZCW.
• The little boy and his father don't seem to fit into this at all.
• Okay, a video game menu? Err...
• Saboteur getting decapitated, the Power Glove making a comeback? There's no shortage of action here.
• Oh, it was a dream. I see, makes sense to me.
• Wait, Saboteur killed Mister? I'm pretty sure you don't want Saboteur killing random NPCs, then again, it is Saboteur.
• Overall, this was random, action packed, and just what I would expect from you. I enjoyed it all the way through. I have a small criticism, with the whole ending, but it was strong aside from that.

Saboteur

• Love this. Saboteur and Garrett have such an interesting dynamic, not to mention Saboteur being completely off of his rocker.
• Garrett really hammered how threatening Alhazred is through Saboteur's head, through all that humor you still managed to get your point across.
• 80s training montage! No?! Damn it.
• Meeting up with a construction crew -- only Saboteur.
• Ahh, you're actually going to spar with a boxer, well, if you manage to fly there... a taxi is a viable option too.
• Your humor is all over the place, but it still manages to get a laugh out of me every time. Your comedic timing is unmatched by anybody in WZCW.
• Uh oh, Saboteur's going to get his ass ki-- DEATH BLOW!!
• Overall, this has to be my favorite RP of the round. Not only did you have me rolling, but you told one hell of a story. You talked about the past with Saxton and focused heavily on your match with Alhazred. You had a perfect balance of every aspect of your character. AWESOME job.

Titus

• No secret that I really enjoyed your RP.
• From my perspective, as your partner, I was beyond satisfied with how you handled my character. You peppered in laughs throughout, while keeping your focus on the match.
• This was short, but it got to the point and kept everything in perspective.
• Awesome idea on your part, teaching Smith how to act.
• This RP was in direct contrast to what Holmes and Constantine did and it was needed. Humor makes every RP easier to read. No matter how serious of a character you are, you've gotta step away from that sometime.
• Overall, your formatting was spot on, your RP flowed perfectly, and I enjoyed it immensely. It was the perfect lead-in for my RP and made for an excellent overall team effort.

Mick Overlast

• First time I've read an RP of yours.
• I'm not a fan of the split RP, let me just say that. (Also, it's not against the rules to do it, as J4L said.) It takes away from the RP, it makes it clunky. I know you're trying to make it keep us interested, but it does the exact opposite. I suggest putting a line to divide the two parts and going with that. I mean, it was only six minutes apart, but it's unnecessary. It's better to keep it all in one post.
• You covered your house show match, which was needed, since many readers are unfamiliar with your character.
• Nice job on talking about your opponents, you ran them down which is needed for a heel.
• I like the fragile relationship between you and your partner, you really put that over big.
• Overall, nicely done. My only qualm was the separate posts, but that's not a huge deal.

Chris Beckford

• Now THIS was different. You went outside the box, no doubt.
• One big set of description, no dialogue here. Not sure how I feel about it.
• It was like a journal entry, I guess. You talked about a number of different things, almost like "a day in the life."
• You talked about WZCW as a whole, SAM SMITH REFERENCE! Haha. Really though, this was an interesting idea, you gave your thoughts on WZCW through Beckford.
• Overall, I thought it was a decent read. The content was there, but it was tiring for the eyes. I generally prefer having dialogue along with description, but I can't really classify what to call this. Not a bad RP, I enjoyed it, but I don't know about the whole idea.

 

[Miko]

Johnny Scumm; The first half I liked, it was the typical angry Scumm I've come to know and love, the second half while a bit more interesting wasnt quite so well done. The dialogue wasnt bad, but perhaps it could've used a bit more description, I think to sell a character like that more of his mannerisms should be described, a slight head tilt, rubbing his hands together constantly that sort of thing, you did some, but the message I am trying to send I guess is do more. Good stuff overall though. Its just my opinion after all.

Baez; Good RP, quite amusing in places and we know where the KFAD breifcase is now, it definately gets better when Alex Bowen enters the picture though, as the talking between him and Baez is well done. Segments of the begginning part werent very smoothly worded;

Baez hangs up his phone and pretty much flings it away. As a cat can be heard screeching after probably being hit by the phone, Baez grabs something in the rubble and pulls it out in excitement.

for example was a bit too wordy for it to work properly. Its just me nitpicking really, everyone else probably was fine with it. As I said all this improves later on when Alex Bowen turns up and the subsequent interaction. Good RP overall I thought anyway.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Austin Reynolds: Well this is interesting. Going back to the original, very early days eh? Bowen Brothers? What the fudge have I stumbled onto? Well, whatever it was, it was a damn fine RP. I enjoyed it from start to finish and it was a nice way to parallel not only your own career in the fed, but also the process of introducing an integrating new talent. I think you needed to include your partner a bit more in the dialogue. Perhaps it would've been better suited as a singles RP, but otherwise, very nice.

Ricky Runn: Something that really bugged me about the middle, was Ricky saying shit. Surely his dad would be all for giving him ten lashings or something like that. Instead the RP just keeps going. Nice tag team work with the similar styles here so that's nice and I enjoyed seeing more into Ricky's past. There are a few spelling and grammar problems here, but otherwise this is a fairly solid all round piece.

S.H.I.T.: Nice tag team strategy with two similar openings. Loved the repititive natuire of the answers. The cast of characters you built here was great too and helped build a nice RP. I was a little disappointed at the lack of real detail when it came to the opponents. Not really much else to say other than good, funny and enjoyable.

Chris Beckford: Interesting concept here with Beckford offering his thoughts on all of WZCW and a different construct for your RP. I'm glad your experimenting and trying out something new here. It wasn't your best RP, and I feel you could've, probably should've, focused on Baller more here, but it was new and intriguing and kept my attention throughout. Crock mentioned the formatting being a little bit of an eye-sore, but I disagree and felt fine whilst reading it. Good effort.

Baller: Baller's a cracking character. The evolution has been tremendous and I always enjoy reading your RP's. The points Baller has are both perfect for the character and legitimate so that's a big plus. Your biggest problem remains bits and bobs of punctuation. A missed full stop here and a missed word there may not be disastrous, but they can confuse so always proof-read. Wait...I had legit forgotten about the decapitation. How did you get from that to a world title shot again? Good, entertaining stuff all round.

Brad Bomb: Sometimes, your character's dialogue can come out as forced and a little odd. Take for example the sentence: “A simpler time it was." Who wrote the line? Yoda? I think you tried to come off as poetic, or what have you, and it sounded wrong for the character. Since you've come back, you've tried to be a little different. I think it's added a little bit to the character, but I'd like to see some more of the old Brad Bomb coming back. Try new things, but don't let you lose the core of what is your character.

 

[GI Cake]

Mr.Baller

Dialog is the pretty much the majority of your RP. Which isn't a bad thing by any means considering how solid you are with dialog for guys like Myles.

Also, the promo towards the end of the RP felt kinda off. Don't get me wrong, it was good but Baller was just talking to himself. When people talk to themselves it is always small little phrases. like "I'll show you...Stupid boss." stuff like that. Like I said, it didn't hurt your RP but when I was thinking it up in my head Baller was walking down the street shooting off a promo to himself.

Summery: Overall I liked it, it covered Baller wanting a lethal lottery spot and truly believes he should be facing Big Dave for the Championship. However, the setting and background for your RP didn't feel as complete as your last rp's.

Johnny Scumm

Just wanted to start by saying I really want to see a feud between Steele and Scumm, now. I think it would have what it takes to get a PPV match. The contrast in the characters and the similarities in their fighting styles would be a damn good read.

Now that is out of the way, I felt your RP was just all around good. You start the RP painting a great setting in the backstage after a loss to Steele. Then you follow it up with a great promo on S.H.I.T. With plenty of Shit puns to make me chuckle a bit.

I can also see you among others want to make After Shock a great show. You promoted the show very well in your RP and did great boasting your match as well.

Summery: I see Scumm walking away with a victory here on After Shock. Keep up the great work bro.

S.H.I.T and Skinner Feedback coming soon!

 

[Johnny Scumm]

Darren Bull

- First RP. It's short I'll give you that. Sometimes, short can be a good thing, but not in this situation. You focus on WZCW and the fact you're a "new face", but not your match?

I do hope all those stupid, idiot, and ugly looking people will see why I am more than just a another pretty face.

- Doesn't really make sense that sentence. "Stupid, idiot & ugly looking people". Were you looking for "idiotic"?

- How is Bull trying to calm his headache? I'd like to know that. You seem to be lacking the basic descriptions in place. I can't imagine how he would be calming a headache. Also, "It looks like he has a headache". How? See what I mean about description? Some more is needed, definitely.

- Like I mentioned again, no focus AT ALL on your opponent? You don't mention his name, or what you think about him. You've been hired by the company, so you would know you were facing. Tell us about that some more next time.

- Overall, a very basic 1st RP, but I don't think I was expecting anything more. Whether you're going to win or not I don't know, but I think that your opponent will need to no-show for you to win. Hopefully, you'll improve.

Triple X

- Why 2 RP's? I'm not sure about this. I know it's not illegal, but I'm just not sure about it at all. The first is very basic and the second is just strange. Also, keep the colour co-ordination. I like when people use continuity.

- Beachy setting in the first RP is strange, but makes sense overall. The RP focuses on the opponent and it does well for being short, to the point & covering what you need. The second however, seems like you wrote it because you felt the first wasn't enough, making the second one less signnificant.

- However, the 2nd one does work, even though I don't find 2 RPs to be as good as just having one. The diary format is cool and should be used just as the 1 RP next time.

- Having not read an RP from your opponent, I can't judge on winning or not. However, whether writing 2 RPs makes you look weaker or not, I'm not sure if that's a factor. However, you could have a good chance here.

Mick Overlast

- Man, have you improved. This is your 3rd(?) RP and I'm impressed. Darren Bull take notes.

- Talking about being on the inaugural After Shock, you cover your first win in WZCW, which puts you at 1-0. You mention all the right facts, where you mention Internet Warrior hasn't ever won a match, putting you at an advantage, because you've won your only match.

- Who's Rudy?

- Mick my man, you've got a good chance in this match. I'll read TIW's RP, but I think you may have this in the bag.

That's Feedback for the 3 newbies. I'll put up some more detailed feedback for the guys soon.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Johnny Scumm

-You really focused on past opponents. You brought the hatred within Johnny.

-Then you turned your focused to your opponent. I just feel like you needed to express why this match is important to you.

Runn Ricky Runn

-The setting at the beginning confused me than made senses.

-You brought out the importance of this match to your tag team.

So that is for now. Promise to give better Feedback next time.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Titus

- Really great telling of the history of Titus.

- Only problem I have is there not that much focus in your match.

 

[Dave]

I started writing this at 3:15, let's see when I finish...

Steven Holmes: I always like the idea of having the setting that you have employed. But I don't think that Constantine works in this scenario. He needs other people to bounce his words off of, such is his character. I always find it difficult to write RP's like this that need one character to create all of the discussion points but you made it fit Holmes like a glove and I appreciate how hard that must have been. I think you covered all of the bases very well and didn't leave anything to the imagination. You talked about your claim to the Championship and covered Smith with relative ease. For such a simple premise and environment, you made it anything but. I was very impressed with the character of Holmes and you should be applauded for the use of words in your RP. Very well done, I enjoyed this.

Sam Smith: Hmm! This is a curious one. It was certainly a lot different from what I expected you to do and I think that's a strength of your RP. My worry is that your RP and Holmes effort were far too similar in setting. It's not you fault because you didn't know what Holmes was writing but I think that you focus on your journey quite a lot and that comes at the expense of talking about your opponents. Now, I'm not one of those people that demands that you talk about your opponents but there really wasn't much of anything that attacks them. I think you tied everything together rather nicely in the end. You said that you wouldn't allow Holmes and Constantine to derail your dream and that follows the logic of the RP. It was smartly written but I just felt as though it was missing something. Then again, I don't judge the quality of RP's, Creative do.

Verdict: As much as I enjoyed Smith's RP, I see a hard-fought title change on the cards at All Or Nothing.

Blade: I think, judging by the writing quality, that the second RP that was posted was written by you. I not, then I apologise. Still, the one thing that strikes me about both of the RP's is that you mainly focus on Scott Hammond. Given that you have a chance to take the EurAsian Championship, I was left a little disappointed that I didn't get to see more of a Blade-centric story. I know that you're going to have to rely on Hammond a lot in the match but there was nothing there that signified to me that you really wanted the Championship for yourself. The focus should have been shifted to something more unique to Blade in your RP and that would have finished this RP off rather nicely. A very unselfish RP, if you ask me. That said, your writing skills are amazing and something I always enjoy reading. If your team do pick up the victory, then I suspect that it will be you that picks up the pin, such is the strength of your writing.

Chris Beckford: Again, this is another strange RP and perhaps something a little less than I expected from you. To be honest, I was looking forward to what Beckford had to say about Blade and Hammond and it was only really summed up by the narrative at the beginning of the RP. I would have very much like to have heard Beckford explode with emotion. This is a huge opportunity for him to capture the belt and I just didn't really feel as though Beckford was convinced it could be his. I honestly think that too much emphasis has been put onto the tag aspect of this match and it would have been refreshing to see Beckford unleash his inner-heel and just show me his determination to capture the belt for himself. It would have been something far different from anyone else's RP's and something I would have found intriguing from the start. That said, it was a good RP that really tied in well with Dragon's RP.

Verdict: I liked all of the RP's in this match but I think Dragon has done enough to pick up the win and keep his Championship. Should be an epic encounter though.

3:35... Not bad.

 

[Lee]

Darren Bull:

First things first: This is far too short.

Ok reading this I found it quite a struggle with a lot of things repeated.

We go into a hotel room that is real messed up. Once the camera goes inside the hotel room the we see the whole room is beyond messed up. In the bed there is a familiar body slowly getting. It turns out to be Darren Bull and he looks like he has a headache.

I highlighted the repeats in the opening paragraph.

I don't get the point of the RP, you're a party animal. That's it.

Did you re-read your rp before posting? I feel this would have helped a lot as you'd see how basic it is.

 

[Mick Overlast]

Darren Bull

First off, I think the character can have some potential if developed correctly. That being said, I believe you missed out on a lot of chances to show us who Darren Bull is.

You talk about how messed up the hotel room is, but all I see is that you're in bed alone next to an empty beer bottle. There's no real evidence to show me how "sick" the party was. You could have gone a couple routes with this: either give us a description of the party as it's happening (who's doing what/who, alcohol, music, atmosphere, etc.) or tell us about the aftermath (walking over passed-out bodies of people you don't even know on your way to the bathroom, for example). Is Darren a womanizer, or is he just trying to get plastered every night/weekend?

Why are the people idiotic and stupid? You really don't tell us why you think they are.

Lee hit on this, and I think it's worth mentioning again (no pun intended): you repeat a lot of words throughout the RP. Use a thesaurus if you have to, word something differently -- do something to avoid saying the same thing.

You mentioned nothing about your opponent. I understand that feeling, having had my house show match a few weeks ago, but you have to at least make an effort to show you kind of know who you're going up against -- mention his name, if nothing else.

Finally, your spelling, grammar and punctuation leave a lot to be desired (I'm a former editor, so I'm used to looking for these things). Type it out in a word processor (Word, Works, whatever) or have somebody read it over to make sure it makes sense. Go through this thread and look at how many times spelling/grammar have been referenced and you'll see they're not to be taken lightly here.

--

You'll find out that you won't win often if you're spending 30 minutes on your RP and not even looking it over. If you haven't already, go read the thread on what makes a good RP. You have to put the time and effort in to be successful.

I hope you don't take all of this as harsh criticism; I want you to succeed here. Good luck next round.

Baller

I like the scene being set at the family home. It's something different. I would've liked to see the names of the characters established beforehand. I was left wondering why you used "Brother" instead of "Ian" once it was known who Ian is, but it's not that huge of a deal.

For me, the grammar/punctuation takes away from the scene.

I understand why you did the HORSE at the end, and I liked the idea, but who plays HORSE against themselves? Maybe you could've had Baller challenge the brother to a game of HORSE -- if the brother wins, he gets to go to AON; if not, he has to leave you alone about it or something. Baller kicks his ass and is able to bash his AON opponents at the same time.

I am curious to see how you handle your future multi-man matches; I read one of your old ones from the Fatal 4-Way when you went to different hoops with the opponents' pictures on them. I just hope you can keep it up in that regard down the line because I like the way you handle them.

Triple X

I'm with RDV on the two-RP method; I think you would've been better off choosing one or the other. I did it myself last month and it didn't really come off the way I would've liked it to.

With that in mind, I love the idea of the video diary. Everything just came off as real to me, and I was able to picture your character saying the words into the camera, facial expressions and all. I feel I got a good look into your character, what he's been through and what he's about.

There are a few minor problems with spelling and the like.

I think if you stick with the one post and stay with the video diary concept, you'll flourish. I definitely see a ton of potential. Good luck in future rounds.

--

Sorry for getting lengthy, but I want to help and just provide my insight. Good luck to all this weekend!

 

[JGlass]

Barbosa- Your RP would get an A+ alone for featuring Saboteur, but that's barely scratching the surface of how great your promo was. Not only was your pre-cashing-in story fantastic, I thought the timing of it was perfect. It seems fitting that your first PPV Title defense was accompanied by the true story behind your cash in. The second part of your promo was solid too, as it gave the reader their fair share of Barbosa craziness and how it effects his backstage behavior.

S.H.I.T.- Your RP was good, not great. It was very funny, and the back and forth was vunderful. However, it seemed like they said a lot without saying anything of much importance, and I felt like you could have used a little more direction.

Triple X- Holy generic RP Batman. As if splitting your RP in two wasn't bad enough, your entire RP read like the Pokemon theme song. In fact, I actually read your RP in Ash's voice. There was absolutely no conflict in your RP, no doubt. There was really no reason to read your RP... at all. That sounds rough, but someone needs to tell you this. You need a hook to keep the reader's attention. There's nothing hooking about your RP.

Stan Rogers- I was impressed. Apart from a few problems with font color, I thought you RP was solid. The interview was very amusing, and I'm a sucker for recurring jokes. After you got through the interview, which was both entertaining and good character build, you gave a very impressive and emotional speech. Picking Showtime as your favorite wrestler was unexpected, but your reasoning for it was perfect. Here's hoping you manage to win and stick around the WZCW Locker Room.

 

[Johnny Scumm]

More feedback for people I said I'd give some to previously.

Titus

- The opening had me laughing. The EastNation Street gag got me the most, it's a typical Brit thing. The bit of history that you give on Titus is brilliant.

- Playing the role of Kensworth is done well. Talking in the 1st person is something I've not seen used and I like it. Titus is very calm, considering he's got a Title match coming up.

- Anyways, "Section 1" as I'll call it, is brilliant.

- Moving onto "Section 2", I see a mistake, which throws me.

No matter how many I see this I am still amazed at his accomplishments.

- I re-read that multiple times to make sure it wasn't my eyes playing up and well, it wasn't. Just that missing of a word makes me jump and skip, but it's nothing too major, it's not life-changing.

- As short as "Section 2" is, it's great in revealing how Titus really feels about Big Dave. Is Titus feeling quite lucky, being put into a match like this?

- NO DON'T TELL HIM OVER DINNER TELL HIM NOW! I just wanted it to be said there & then.

- You cover your match and your opponents in the finer details over Dinner in "Section 3".

- You're ashamed in your own Title reign, but you have all faith in Titus this time and so do I. I'd love to see you win, I really, really would Lee. The fact that you've got an opponent who hasn't RP'd may give the edge, but seeing you win this would be a great moment.

The Internet Warrior

- I thought I'd give you some feedback because you've never won and I've given your opponent feedback, so wanted to do some comparing.

- The winless wonder? That a nickname you thought of? You should keep on losing, I like it.

- Crying? Is that the best trait for a wrestler? I know you've never won a match, but I don't think that your Wrestler should be crying for those reasons.

- The way you use Klamor is great, his comical interruptions get me.

- As short and nice as this is, I still don't see you pulling out the win. Sorry TIW, but it's another week, another loss.

Right, there's 2 more bits, if anybody wants some now, get in touch with me.

 

[Johnny Scumm]

These two guys asked for some feedback, so here we go.

Ricky Runn

- First off, I think you've got a huge disadvantage going into this match, what with the rules and everything. So I automatically thought that you and Reynolds had to pull something out of the bag.

- Runn's only 18? Damn, I never even realised. Wow, he's good. I like the little bit of history, but can't help comparing it to Lee, who done the same thing in his RP & just preferring his. I know they're not related, but I'm like that.

- Your information is good. This is something that makes me smile. Where the name came from was something I've done before and I think that's a great thing for anyone to include, especially when someone doesn't wrestle under their birth name.

- Then we focus on the match. You really hate these rules don't you? I think they're brilliant, but only because I feel this match is going to be very interesting with these stipulations. RRR are facing some difficulties and you're addressing these.

- The Takahiro joke is brilliant, very good. There also seems to be some clashes in the RRR Express, which I REALLY hope doesn't play up in your match. I wanna see you two working tight & not arguing.

- Your final address of your opponents is great and with Reynolds RP as well, I really do think we're seeing NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIIIIIIIONS. Good luck man, it's deserved.

Armando Paradyse

- I'm pretty sure that this match is gonna become Bowen vs Paradyse & Cruz will be taken out beforehand, having not RP'd.

- You've improved a bit in recent weeks, which I'm glad to see. Nice that you've got a shot at the belt as well.

- The pipe in your pants? That's a bit unreal, not sure it would work in real life, as well as hurting like fuck. However, your opening apart from that bit is really good. Paradyse seems all happy & confident. Also, Kelly is a terrible name.

- Thanks for the Scumm mention...not. Mentioning Steele could be vital, because you could be facing him soon, should you win the title.

- I think your description of Bowen is terrible. He is most obviously not a teenage girl and that doesn't work at all. You've tried to play him down, but in a very childish way almost.

- Your final "Quote" is almost over the top, but it's just about right. Do I think you're going to win? No, but just. It's tight, but I think Bowen will just retain. Will it all be left in the ring there that night? Definitely not, Paradyse will be after that belt again.

 

[newc868]

FalKon/Kurtesy - I must admit I skipped over the first part of the RP but I read the rest of it and I loved how it completely abandoned in still and became quite a WTF is happening. I loved the use of Saxton and Saboteur. I found it genius to have Action Saxton turn up out of nowhere. I actually went back to see if I missed something before you noted it which I think was the intended effect.

The whole anti-description thing was good as well and if I wasn't late at night in my house, I would've laughed out load even more. Really liked this RP. I didn't see much I didn't like and if I was to point out that stuff it would just be nit-picking.

 

[newc868]

Darren Bull/True Campeon

First thing I'm thinking here is this is a little short. Nothing wrong with that just an observation that if I can read a RP without having to scroll down then that doesn't give you a lot of chance to talk about/do everything I want to read.

Repetition in the first line. Also, I wouldn't use the word familiar just yet.

"Now that I've party up here in the LA" partied is the correct word to use here but I'll blame that on the partying.

"They say the night might be young but that can't stop me for a second." What? That didn't make any sense. Also, "The reason I don't want to waist a second" even a word processor wouldn't get this (it might auto-correct but that's not important) so you should proof-read.

"I do hope all those stupid, idiot, and ugly looking people will see why I am more than just a another pretty face. But, I really don't care what they think of me cause they can boo me and I will not give a damn." INSTANT CONTRADICTION.

I like the end. You're working on a catchphrase. They're always nice to have. See Everest.

Cleaned up, this is an excellent intro RP that would've looked great on your application form.

However, as an actual RP, you need to add more. You'll win thanks you your opponent's no show but you should try to talk about your opponent some more. Make sure you're aware of where you are within WZCW, what's happening with you, etc.

Conclusion - You're new and you've made the mistakes that a lot of make when we first started - so you're about where you should be when you first enter (not everyone can do a Barbosa). You have the potential for a good character. Keep your head up and keep your drive. If you want someone to check your RP before you post - just ask in the discussion thread. We all want everyone to succeed here. Welcome btw

Mick Overlast/Mick Overlast

It feels like a good RP. I'm not getting exceptional RP but you did a lot to make sure you buried your opponent. No respect or anything along those lines - it completely reinforces your character. You have no time for gimmicks. Although, I have to question calling yourself the best in the world when you've been here not long overall. Sorry little things bug me like that.

Maybe some better use of Becky here. She's been here for a while so I'm sure she's not too afraid to ask a couple questions or put you in your place for that matter. You certainly seem to have your character and your RP was a solid 'attack your opponent with words RP'. I'll have to see your other work though.

Mr. Baller

Didn't know Baller was Jewish. TIL. Anyway, I'll do yours as I notice them. Baller's brother is clearly called Ian by Baller's mum, so why not change it? A little thing that bugged me.

What are the presents that disappointed your little brother? I MUST KNOW! Is it Baller's arrogance, his embarrassment at his family or his fear of failure that prevents him from inviting his family? Not sure if that's the intended thing but a dynamic I enjoyed nonetheless.

From here it descends into the similar feature of most of the RPs from this match - run down the opposition. Don't see much wrong here in this part. The pun with spelling out HORSE is nice and the ending E is good because you take it back off the run down and back into character building. I like the idea and the motivation that comes from this.

It's a good RP and I maybe you could've cut down the first part a little bit but it works either way. Good luck for the match.

 

[GI Cake]

Darren Bull:

Pretty much everyone else has covered what I was going to adress. You got a couple of fatal spelling errors and typos in your RP. It is important to proofread your RP's before you send them out. Also, you can have a program like Microsoft Word spell check for you. (And even better for me, Grammar. Because frankly, I suck at it.)

Your description felt reppetive. You used quite a lot of the same words over and over again. It had me in a daze because I thought I was rereading the last line. You can improve the description in your RP a lot by using a thesaurus to find different words to describe a setting.


If you are going with the party boy look for your character. I highly suggest taking advantage of reading RP's from Gordito (Dirty Jose) or even mine. We both do a very good job setting the scene and letting people live the moment through the eyes of our characters. I'm not promoting the idea of flat out copying either one of our RP's but to use them as a reference as to how to paint a setting for how a party or the effects after a party are shown.

Triple X:
Reading your character app, I was hoping for a dynamic RP about a man battling his addiction by using professional Wrestling as a new high. It sucks that I was let down. Your first set of RP's. Your description was really sound but their was no hook to read your RP's. Triple X just felt boring, I mean it was nice to see you start off by tapping into his past but none of it seemed like it mattered in the match.

 

[Bernkastel]

Here is some feedback for the guys that requested it. Enjoy.

Numbers

What I liked most about the RP was that you did manage to capture Reyonds emotions. It is clear that he is pumped about the Roulette and is ready to go.

What I liked least about the RP is I thought the descriptive imagery could have used more depth like the audience or the weather conditions; even the stadium scene was only really used as a transitioning tool. I found myself caring less about where Reynolds was, and more about what he had to say. I figured that if you chosen a specific place for a location for a RP, then always try your best to get the maximum amount of emotions out of the scenery.

Overall I thought that the RP was effective and direct.

Dave

I hope that John Constantine is your character; if not I apologize.

What I liked the most about the RP is your descriptive imagery. I felt like I was in DC listening to Constantine’s promo. The transitions also worked quite well as I was able to follow the scene changes with much difficulty.

What liked least about the RP were your grammar mistakes. While I could care less if you misspelled one or two words or if you used a semicolon correctly or not, there were a few phrases that weren’t written clearly enough that it affected the flow of the RP. For example, “Despite his bullish arrogance, it seems that the crowd of Washington DC are willing to forgive and forget as they welcome his warmly.”Just make sure to reread your RP to make sure everything sounds smooth.

Overall I thought that the RP was a solid and entertaining read.

Blade

Wow man, I have to say you’ve improved leaps and bounds since I last faced you. Well done.

What I like most about the RP was obviously drunk Stacey. What a very creative way to portray her.

What I like least about the RP was the lack of emotion that I felt from Blade. Not sure if you meant to do this or not, but I were a fan gazing into the looking glass then I’d say that Blade came off as under confident going into the Roulette.

Newc868

Brad Bomb is one of my favorite new characters in WZCW who rarely fails to deliver. And this was no exception.

What I liked most about the RP is the fact that you really expand on your storylines, and you really get inside of Brad Bomb’s mind. I can feel how conflicted he must feel having been up against the chaos of WZCW and always coming up short.

What I like least about the RP is that the dialogue seemed to be a bit bloated in some places; particularly at the beginning and middle parts. Try working on trimming up the dialogue next time.

Mick Overlast

What I like most about the RP was your decision to use a phone interview; don’t get to see many of those. I liked the emotion that you but into the dialogue, and your transitions were smooth.

There really isn’t much less I can find to gripe about with the RP considering that your character is pretty new. Just remember to put in some bits of character development and enhance your feuds [which you did when you mentioned Blade and Hammond.]

Overall very solid RP.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Just a quick bit of feedback for the Mayhem boys.

Just to let Ap and Cooper know, I'm still reading roleplays. When I come back, I'll get both of you. Alex Bowen fears no man in this company.

On a side note, good write ups guys. Waiting on another read through atm, both are close. I think with a bit more time Coopers could of been more epic. But I'm still giving him the edge.

Justin, try to work away from a straight talking promo. Tell a story, that what I and Chris Jones did wrong. Sure I could cut a good promo, but when you can't tell a good story no one wants to read it.

I've noticed that you have been cutting straight talk promos since you came back. Sure that is nice and all, but try and bring in some diversity. I kick myself in the ass when I go back and read roleplays that I could of done something more with. Even if you are talking to a crowd, it's still a straight talk promo. Just try and branch out more into story telling.

Ap- I want to read a roleplay, brother that was a text message. I'm not saying write out a book, but put some meat with your potatoes. Expand!! I like the opening part, and I like that you are using tactics to fit the Mayhem scene. Talking about your pipe, but dude! You just beat the longest reigning champ in your divisions history. Toot your fucking horn, you are a heel. Be cocky about it. That's what cooper never done, you touched on it sort of. But it was more of a passing mention.

You are still in this, but it's going to be a close one.

 

[Johnny Scumm]

Afternoon all;

I'm gonna start off by letting you know how will I be presenting and giving feedback from NOW. Not much of a change, but here we go.

• Your Wrestlers Name
• The RP Feedback
• A Rating/Grade
• Finally, my thoughts on whether you will win or lose your match. (THIS WEEK, we're obviously in Roulette, so I may tell you who I think you could go up against and win, or go up against and lose to)

So, the first bit of feedback begins NOW.

John Constantine

- Having posted your RP for you, it gave me the chance to read through once or twice, maybe even thrice before I posted it. Not too sure why, but I even glanced at it for errors. You were fine.

- As Ech said above, your description is some of the finest. The talk of the Elite X Championship is good, even though you don't hold it. You certainly seem like you wish to though.

- John seems very set to the fact that he's bringing change to WZCW, what if he doesn't? Where he says, "I will facilitate change." Why not follow it up with "But if I can't..." It might seem that Constantine is then made to look weaker, but he isn't.

- I love the last line with "Embrace the unpredictability". I think that is what everyone should be looking to do and it's certainly what you have done.

Finally, thoughts on your match. Obviously, I have NO idea where you'll be placed and who you'll be fighting against. Should you be facing Barbosa, Saboteur, Gordito or someone along those lines, you might be fighting for a win. However, a good RP from you means should you facing anyone else, you should have it in the bag. Grade: B-

Ryan Raynes

- I've come to you because you're new. Being new means you should take any feedback whether you agree or disagree with it. A 12 line RP consisting of just over 300 words? It seems really short and very basic. It's so short, I scrolled past it the first time. The shame is, your application was great and I was expecting a good RP.

- You've no-showed once and that lost you your match, meaning you'd have to really pull it out of the bag for this week. You can't really say that Darren Bull got "lucky".

-

I came to WZCW for reason, and that was dominate

was your second piece of speech and you missed out two words. They may have only been "A and To", but they throw you off nonetheless. A couple of grammar problems are easy to avoid if you proof-read next time.

- You can't talk about your match this week, because you don't know what you're going to be doing. You've got a basic RP, but things will have to start getting better from here.

Now, thoughts on your match. I think you're going to find it really difficult to pull out any win this week and that's not being mean or rude, it's being truthful. Unless someone who hasn't posted their RP, due to extensions yet is drawn against you and they no-show (S.H.I.T, Ty Burna, Titus or Darren Bull), you're going to be facing the wrong way after your match. Grade: E

Ricky Runn

- I've picked you out here because your RP is very different to usual, but not in a great way. It's short and covers the points, but there's the feeling of needing a bit more, ya know?

- Is Rachael anything more than a friend? A former lover, or just a "friend"? Be nice to know.

- It's great you're having this conversation with someone, even though there's no replies and you're talking to Rachael. It's a strange way of celebrating a title win, that's for sure.

- I also find it difficult to judge your RP, I feel more like I'm reading a book. Nonetheless though, you are doing well.

Finally, what do I think you're going to come across on the show? I think you might find it difficult in multiple one on one situations, you may not grasp a Lethal Lottery position, but if you were partnered with a good wrestler, you might pull out a win. Grade: C

Austin Reynolds

- My favourite RP of this round for all the British-ness. Everything here is brilliant. Even the mention of my name

- We begin and Reynolds is at Wembley Stadium, sound like home to me, well it is. Comparing the FA Cup Draw to the Roulette is genius. Compared to Runn's celebration, yours is a lot more upbeat and you're definitely celebrating in big fashion.

- Your full overview of your "match" is great. Believing you can defend the titles under any circumstance is what's needed. Not knowing what's coming your way makes things a hell of a lot harder.

- As hard as things may be, you've got this clear in most situations. I do want to say that being in a Tag match with Runn this week could be a disadvantage.

Finally, your match. Against most people, you've got this pretty much in the bag, even in a handicap match if it was to be drawn. Against a couple of guys that are "Higher up", I can't be sure, mainly because I'm not judging on creative. Great RP though. Grade: B+

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

RVD

Ok dude. It was was good work and I liked it. Gave us some background story to Scumm and it worked out great. However, I don't like the one-sided convo's. They tend to get boring after a while and I think you could have done something with this. Maybe if you ran into a childhood friend or something you could have talked with them and it would have gave something beside a hurt, child, type. How many times I have heard that is beyond me. It was a good RP and I think you can beat anyone who is normally on the Aftershock card to be honest. Anyone else I'm afraid you will lose. Sorry.

Pancake!

I didn't like it all dude. But like me, you hit a brick wall. I would have liked to know who Rachael is but I guess that is another story for a future RP. I also liked how you tried a new style. I'm going to as well but I want to make sure my title is not on the line when I do lol. Just in case...

Overall it was a decent rp.

Jglass

My favorite character in WZCW. I loved how you mentioned a few of the roster in your RP including Hunter miss that guy....I enjoy your sense of humor and I actually wanted to do a comedy RP but I don't think it's right for my character right now. I think you should have tried to talk about winning the match at AON but then getting beat down by the AOC. There is still a fued there and I think you should have tried to build it up. You did mention Ty and KO but didn't say anything about that match. I think you have a chance at winning some gold if you go up against Holmes or Black Dragon.