RP Feedback Thread

[GI Cake]

Johnny Scumm (Rob Dam Van): I just want to start off with saying your RP's are getting a tendency to start with Scumm being treated by EMT's while Scumm fights them off. It gets boring to read the same thing over with different dialog. The dialog itself was pretty sound as always. Scumm is clearly upset with Cooper and his cult group and he has set his eyes on Lethal Lottery. Side note, I really hate lines. Just feels lazy that you don't help the reader transition to the next scene. You might as well post two different RP's. I want to compliment you on your use of Batemen. You do a good job showing that Scumm has a few screws loose but did not look like you were trying to hard yourself, well done. You also do a good job with the interaction between Scumm and his friend. But the promo on Saboteur felt a bit...Lacking.

Overall: This is a good RP, and it is great to see you back on Ascension. But I think you will have to find another way to get into Lethal Lottery with Saboteur being your opponent being Saboteur. Best of luck bro.

 

[Dave]

Stevenson Marquel:

Please forgive me but I am not too familiar with your character. Is this your first proper match? Either way, it's pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I am just trying to find out how far along in your development you are.

I ask because there both a lot of good and a lot of bad things in this RP. The good things are enjoyable at the least and character defining at times. The bad are things that really need to be worked on and really put me off parts of the RP. For the sake of clarity, I'll start with the bad parts and then tell you the things that I liked towards the end.

What first struck me about your RP, is your writing style. Your sentences tend to run into each other and it just doesn't read that naturally. You use a lot of commas, when full stops should have been employed and it would make the RP flow just that little bit better. Far be it for me to lecture people on grammar but, at times, I noticed it in your work and it was off-putting.

Another thing that I noticed, was that you tended to use the phrase “You know” a lot. Now, that's fine. But in the context that you continually used it in, it really should end with a question mark.

Next, I felt as though there were times when your writing seemed unnatural. The opening paragraph is the first example I could find. “The camera opens with a small; skinny man with a suit and glasses on standing on the pavement of a Brooklyn street. That man is identified to be WZCW interviewer, Leon Kensworth”. For me, this just hits the eye all wrong. Something like “As the camera opens, Leon Kensworth stands on a busy Brooklyn street. Dressed in his best suit and wearing his trademarked glasses, he looks out of place as hurried pedestrians rush past the feeble WZCW interviewer”. That, for me, just seems more professional and easier to read. There is a lot of that in your RP and I think you need to look at that.

That said, there is a lot of positives to take away from this RP. Firstly, I like the rapping. People have tried it before and it has failed. But you seem to have a skill for it. I liked it and as long as you can keep it relevant to the point you're making, then I will continue to. That was a nice addition.

Secondly, your character has a rich tapestry of history behind him. That will help you in the future because it always makes a character easier to write if you know where they have been. It gives you more control over your character and that can only be positive. Utilize that, don't let it go to waste.

Overall, I think that you have a lot of potential with this character. He is interesting and I think that you could really do some damage with him if you work on your grammar and sentence structure. Use some description and you'll be great. Decent attempt.

Jack Skinner:

I don't know what it was about this RP but it always made me think that you were suffering from writer's block yourself. Maybe I am wrong but that's just how it felt. With that said, this is the RP you turned in and I think that is pretty decent. What troubles me is that the RP doesn't seem to get very meaty until the very end. At the beginning and throughout, it felt as though, you were just looking for something to write about. Like you didn't feel as though you had enough history with either of the competitors you were facing to be able to forge an RP with a central theme, whilst making it sustaining enough throughout.

That said, I enjoyed the whole thing. It was quite refreshing to see this when I've been reading serious RP's for the last few days. Maybe the Creative team will think the same thing? I think you write very well and that was always evident from your days as Trevor Steel. Your writing is fluent and interesting. I just think that you were missing something this week and the way you blew off your opponents seemed a little strange to me.

Nice little RP though.

 

[Dave]

Steven Holmes:

Excellent work, man.

The great thing about Holmes, is that you always find him the same way. His mannerisms don't change and he is always as cold, calculating and ruthless as ever. For me, consistency is the key and you have that in absolute abundance. Holmes really is one of the most interesting and cold-heartedpeople on the roster and the control you have over him at all times is simply stunning, to be honest. No matter what the situation, you always manage to remain composed and churn out a top class RP. Even with the addition of Constantine, you seem completely at ease and in control of the situation. That translates onto the page brilliantly.

The first part of your RP is very intriguing and I am very much looking forward to seeing the inevitable confrontation between Holmes and Crashin. Personally, I think that it has to happen at some point and give Holmes some closure on the whole chapter. It's good that you have teased thisand itbuilds a genuine anticipation for the meeting. I likethat.

Your descriptive talents are out of this world and should be the envy of most of the roster. I'm very impressed. You make everything so natural and people who are new to the Fed should look at your description to see an example of it can be done right and the effect it has.

Either way, fantastic work.

James Howard:

I was a little surprised to see a rep comment from you asking me for feedback but that's neither here nor there. The main thing is that you did and that I took the time to read your RP. The sad truth is that I don't read all of the RP's like I used to when I was on Creative. If you're not in my match or asking for feedback, chances are I'm not going to read your work.

But that's why I'm glad that you asked me to read your RP and give you some feedback. Honestly, I thought it was sublime. I have no idea how long you have been doing creative writing for but if this is your first time (which I highly doubt), then you have taken to it extremely well. The history of your character is something that really intrigued me and I found it really refreshing that you was so cynical of everything (and perhaps rightly so as the end would lead us to believe).

I honestly think that your writing style is something that will set you apart from most people on the roster and as your character begins to grow into WZCW, it will help you a lot. Writing in past tense is useful and is still something that I am trying to nail privately. You do it very naturally and it translates very well indeed.

All in all, I was very pleasantly surprised when I read your work. You should be pleased with it too, regardless of how long you have been doing this away from our forum. My only wish is that you add some colour to the text of people who are speaking to you. Having colour for just you seems strange. Either have it for all speech or don't have it at all (Read: Black Dragon). Nevertheless, that's your choice to make and I'm sure you'll make it. Personally, I think you're on the road to something special if you can keep this level of work up.

Fantastic work.

 

[Dave]

Ricky Runn:

This RP is OK actually. Let me clarify that by saying that it doesn't exactly set the heather alight but it's not bad in any way, shape or form. Really, I am pretty unsure what I make of this effort. I'll go ahead an type out some thoughts and see if I can reach a conclusion.

First, I think it's weird seeing you removed from Austin Reynolds. Maybe that's just because you guys have such a strong bond and I have always seen Numbers writing style in your work since you started teaming together. That said, Numbers was removed from this match and I think that showed, for better or worse. I think that you both work well as a team and you can bounce off of each other. Without him, you might have found it more difficult to come up with an RP. That said, it's not glaringly obvious. With me being your opponent last week, I can see how you work differently when you are working on your own. Your effort last round was a lot stronger. Being honest, if I was facing you this week, I would have been more confident than I was last week.

Still, it's a decent RP and you get your point across fairly well. I liked that you talked about Reynolds and your place in the team. I honestly found that to be quite refreshing and new. What I didn't like was your use of some description. How did Ricky go from driving a truck to driving a new car? That just lost me completely. Secondly, the whole premise of the RP, was that Ricky was going on a date. But you're only with the woman for a short period of time. More could have been made of that. I would have suggested that Ricky tell his date what he told Austin and that would have made the RP read more logically.

All in all, not your best work but not bad either.

 

[Shotaro]

Ok, so once again I find myself writing feedback - I've covered Aftershock and Ascension already so all that's left is Meltdown. The quality of RPs here should be really good but as usual just going to comment on the stuff that jumps out at me as I read them.

Showtime Cougar v Constantine

Constantine (Dave?)
I loved the concept behind this RP. It worked really well and from what I can gather about the story behind this match it was a really good way to highlight the story behind it. I immediately thought of the video packages WWE use before PPV matches. It also reminded me of the promo videos they're using for Rock Cena right now. I enjoyed reading it.

Showtime Cougar (Showtime)
Again, it builds on the quite big story behind the match. I'll be honest I'm looking forward to this match almost as much as I'm looking forward to reading my own. I've said it before and I will say it again, I don't like monologues. I enjoyed reading it all though.

Dr. Alhazred v Chris Beckford

Dr. Alhazred (Red Skulltula)
I enjoyed it for what it is but I just don't like monologues. It's the big wall of text to read I think, it just puts me off. I like the fact that Alhazred is a bit of a joke, it works well and takes the edge off a really dark concept.

Wasabi Toyota v Action Saxton

Action Saxton (Diamond Dallas Page)
I don't like monologues (I get the feeling this is something I'm going to get over really quick.) However I loved the style and it made me think of some comedy style anime. Your theme song is awesome by the way. Oh also Parappa the Rapper is awesome!

Wasabi Toyota (GD)
I like the way you're selling your recent heel turn by ragging on school kids. I enjoyed reading the RP. Good way of establishing your evilness using the Yakuza to rob some poor woman.

Celeste Crimson v Chris K.O.
Celeste Crimson (Echelon)
Wow, clearly you are in a really involved feud right now. The idea of having a conversation with your opponent over the phone is a good one and I felt your RP worked really well.

Chris K.O. (Kermit)
I liked the idea of an internal monologue (ain't I a hypocrite) but it was well broken up with a lot of non-text. When paired up with such a different style of RP they both work extremely well as a pairing. This should be an interesting match.

Ty Burna, Blade and Barbosa vs Steven Kurtsey, Drake Callahan and Gordito

Blade (Blade)
I enjoyed reading it. The dynamics of your various conversations worked really well. You built up the week's main event to be a huge match and sold the fact that you are paired with your enemy in a big way.

Ty Burna (Ty Burna)
Umm... You're the head of creative so just like you won't do feedback since you don't want to give away judgements I don't think it's fair to give you feedback to prevent accusations of me currying favour.

Barbosa (Барбос&#1072
Really like the gimmick here and you sell it well. Also nice nod to Little Jimmy. Really want to know what was going on with the poker table though. I think I may have to go back and read some of your old RPs....

Drake Callahan (Harthan)
I enjoyed reading this, very funny if it seemed very long. I ended up skimming over a lot of it unfortunately but that's an issue with me not the RP itself. (I've spent HOURS back to back reading them at this point - I don't know how creative do it!) Great RP though.

Gordito (Dirty Jose)
I don't like monologues.... I loved the way you attacked not just Ty Burna but all of his stable too. It was a compact RP with a lot said. I liked it for what it was.

and finally (drumroll please...)
Steven Kurtsey (Professor S.K. FalKon)
I enjoyed reading this RP, the way you bounced off of Drake Callahans RP worked well, again I think I need to go back and re-read some of your older RPs.

Oh my god. Seriously, going through all these RPs have made me realise how good you guys are, I enjoyed this, I don't know if I could do it every cycle but I will definately read them all every week. I'm really looking forward to reading the matches next week.

 

[The Best]

Well here's my 2 cents to the people that were kind enough to give me feedback. I was never that great at giving feedback, and still have to work on it a little, so sorry if it's not as in-depth as other's.

Johnny Scumm- First off, I just want to say that since I left, you have improved GREATLY as a RP'er. It actually surprised me how much you improved when I read your RP the first time through. Great job there.

-I like how you bring in your recent loss right off of the bat. Also, I like how you show your intentions early in the RP as well.

-Try to extend your sentences out a little longer. Some were okay, some were short, and some were really short.

- I like the face turn tease here. Really drew me in.

-Overall, I thought it was a solid RP. I say just work on stretching out your sentences a little bit and your good. As for your match, that brings me to...

Saboteur

- Alvin is a great NPC. I really enjoyed reading his lines here, as you do a good job of incorporating both comedy and seriousness (you know what I mean hopefully) in his lines with Bateman.

- You put a lot of detail in this RP (I haven't read many of yours since I left, so I'm not sure if you normally do that) which I like.

- I was a little confused with what happened after Sab fought off Keith and Shelton. I feel like you could have expanded on that a little more, and set up your talk about Scumm a little better.

- Overall: I like your RP. Saboteur is a funny character, just a little hard to understand. For your match with Scumm, I think it will be very close, and a hard one to vote on. I'll give Sab the slight edge here, but it will be close.

Sam Smith

- Not that big of a deal, but when you introduce your character with the color you'll be using for him. Even if it's a monologue, I still think that it makes it clearer.

- The build-up you made to this match was fantastic. Talking about his recent match history, along with the Elite (X) title history with Reynolds, and to the Lethal Lottery was really a good read.

- I thought the little scene with the little kid was a little short and slightly unnecessary. I would make it a little longer, or put a little more detail in it.

- Overall: This RP was like a sandwich with slightly spoiled bread, but a great middle part. Your introduction with Smith was a little lazy, the build up to the Reynolds match and the Lethal Lottery was fantastic, but then the part with the kid was again, a little lazy. This was a great RP, and definitely could be a winner.

James Howard

- Great intro. I like the vocab, the detail, and the grammar. Really pulls you in to the RP.

- I really am being picky here, but I really didn't like the color you used for the small man talking to Howard. Nothing big, it just kind of messed with my eyes while reading it.

- The detail that you put in to this whole RP was great. Before, during, and after the dialogue, it was all well done.

- Overall: This is a winner. Great debut RP.

That's it for now. I know I still have Dave, Red Skull, Blade, and that's it. Unless if someone else would be kind enough to give me promised return feedback .

 

[Shotaro]

Mr Baller (Baller)
The back and forth interview was good. I don't know if you talked about your opponent for this week enough, but I'm not a member of creative. I'm not sure about your start - walking around with a towel over your eyes then telling off the person you run into seemed a bit awkward. I did like the way you had Matt Tastic text Leon mid-interview to bring you onto your match.

 

[Blade]

Ok, I'm not in the most motivated mood so I apologise if the feedback isn't very good.

Crock:

Yeah, it's alright. It seems like very standard stuff from start to finish. Recapping recent events, talking about your title loss, talking about the future. The Lethal Lottery stuff was pretty good, you probably should've saved that for your actual RP. The end of the monologue was really good. I think 'legendary' was perhaps a bit of a strong word, but what you were trying to do here came off really well. Despite Sam's bad luck, he still believes in himself enough to think he will win the Lethal Lottery, which is admirable. The whole thing screamed FACE. From the monologue to the conversation with the kid, it's just standard face stuff. Nothing very special, but decent from start to finish.

C-


The Best:

My first thought was of James Baker, who did a similar thing to you a couple years ago. You will need to go in a unique direction with your character progression to differ yourself from Baker. There's a lot of really good history here, Marquel seems to have a great backstory. While it didn't take away from the RP itself, it felt like you blew your load, so to speak, in one RP. I'm sure that's not the case, it's jut the vibe I got. The description is superb. I always feel description is very important in RP's and yours was spot on. All the basic stuff was done really well in this, good dialogue, covered your opponents well. Your character is going places, keep up the good work.

B-


Dave:

Ah, Constantine. Everyone's favourite underachiever Straight up, this RP was excellent. One of the best RP's you've ever done. You covered the history efficiently yet you didn't leave anything out. Your long and storied history with Showtime condensed into a few paragraphs, but you did it so well. You had all the important stuff and kept out all the filler. And really, you don't need to say much more. The well retold story of you and Showtime is enough build up and is all the needs to be said. You kept the stuff with Holmes brief. Good idea since the match with Showtime is the big deal. There's no much else to say. I've covered all that was good and nothing stood out as being bad. Just great stuff.

B+

 

[ABMorales787]

Mike Killam/Hiro... Something:

* You have a few grammar errors.

* I liked the metaphor with the cherry blossoms.

* This was a good debuting RP. But when you start developing you may wanna start evolving past these vignette style promos. They're cool for getting the feel of who your character is, but in time you'll need to evolve that character to keep things going. You'll need to do more than just talk to the camera and do that nice sakura metaphor.

* 6/10. For a first time, I really liked this.

The Best/Stevenson Marquel:

* Holy crap. It's a freestyle rapper. With rhythm.

* This was a great way to introduce your character.

* After all those gunshot wounds, I feel "Swiss Cheese" might make a fitting nickname for Marquel.

* I do feel there were a few too much of those stories that could've probably have been used for later RP's.

* 7/10

Sanka/Ace Stevens:

* Pssst. It's "sitting". Not "sat".

* You were mad about your assistant not knowing who you are but you kinda left me in blank about who you are too.

* The trash talk was pretty generic and without some establishment as to who Ace Stevens is, it seems like he's just ranting and raving senselessly.

* Ace is a... Comedian? That came out of... Well nowhere.

* 4/10. You lacked that introduction for your character that your opponent's added, you did some pretty generic trash talk and you stole a watch for no real reason. It could use some work. Fleshing your character out more and... That comedian thing didn't click at all.

Echelon/Celeste Crimson:

* This is the first time I read an RP's on the girl herself.

* You have a theme going with that purging of chaos.

* K.O.? That adds a nice twist. Don't recall someone's opponent appearing in an RP.

* Serafina too?

* I liked the story. But it was a tad long to establish that feel of paranoia the Apostles were giving Celeste. But that brings me to my next point.

* 2/3th's of the RP felt like it was about Chris K.O. than Celeste. I don't think that's such a good thing given he's got his own RP too.

* 7/10

Kermit/Chris K.O.:

* Legend Killer.

* It was short. But I liked how there's a split mindset that has Chris confused. Does he have an attraction of some kind to Celeste? Or is Ty's influence doing to much damage? The bit that fades to the casket supports K.O's head is slipping even more in a symbolic way. But I feel more dialog to elaborate could've been done.

* 6/10.

JGlass/Saboteur:

* I'll be honest. I don't know how to react to it. It's funny, it's amusing, it keeps my eyes on the screen, but I can't put the explanation.

* I'm surprised Scumm has blood at all seeing how he loves opening himself up.

* 7/10.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Phoenix

I always dig the simple concept RPs, straight up interviews or monologues with no monotonous fluff or filler, straight to the point. The shortness of the RP adds to the simple concept and makes it work better in my view, you said what you need to say. Length never matter much to me anyways, as long as it's well written and interesting (as yours was), that's all that matters. I like how you called out Stark about his wrestling ability and knowing all those moves but not knowing how to use them in a match, you went about it in a very classic face way by saying you'll respect him if he puts on a good match though. Not really much else to say, you're a vet so you know what you need to do to have the best chance to win, it shows in this RP.

Stevenson Marquel

You can tell by reading this that you put a lot of thought and work into this character. His backstory seems to be pretty deep and you seem to know where you want to go with it, I just hope as others said that you didn't blow your load to early with all the stories and save room for the future. I do like his back story though, it's very realistic and believable. My only problem with the "street" type of character is that unless they are put in feuds, they tend to run out of depth and things to say fairly quickly. You write well enough that I don't think that will happen though. Overall it was a very good read, you covered all the bases that needed to be covered (and then some) and you gave us a good look at who your character is.

 

[Blade]

Shotaro:

My immediate thought after reading the RP was how ambitious it was for a first RP. That's not a bad thing, simply caught me off guard. Usually first RP's are characters getting interviewed by Becky, ring promos or monologues in some random location. But as anyone who knows my character in the fed will tell you, I love ambitious RP's, even if they don't come off well. But yours did, very well in fact. It came off as a good short story, which I believe is what an RP should be. As far as first RP's go, you basically did everything right. The first person narrative can be quiet challenging as it needs more specificity than third person, but you did it nicely. Your grammar and punctuation is spot on. The dialogue is quick and snappy which, again, as my RPs show, I like in an RP. I rarely like big paragraphs of dialogue in RP's.

Very little to criticise. Your gimmick isn't the most imaginative, but simply being a great writer is more important. Also, I'm not a big fan of swearing in RP's, but that's maybe because I'm so used to a lack of 4 letter words in real-life wrestling. Perhaps more of a personal preference.

You are probably my favourite new character on the scene. Great RP.

B

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Hiro Kota Koji (Heel Green Ranger)

I've been hesitant to give any feedback to anyone seeing as Im just starting this thing out and Im pretty new but I read your RP and really enjoyed it. I loved the cherry blossoms thing and the whole character really seems like a real life anime thing. I thought it was a very good first RP and I didn't really see anything you needed to improve on. You mixed some of your backstory with your intentions in the WZCW with also your thoughts on your upcoming match and opponents. I honestly thought it was a better first RP then mine. Very entertaining by my standards and hope to see more.

 

[Daniel]

Bit late. I apologise for that. I'll put it down to a mixture of being busy and being lazy.

Shotaro - James Howard

• I like the style. A lot. Writing in the first person puts over the character in a different way. It’s clever.
• The introduction of the backstory felt very natural. It wasn’t too subtle, but you didn’t make it obvious either. Good stuff.
• The formatting is great. The colours work, and everything looked clean and crisp. When you quoted this article, I felt that you could use a different font or something. Something to set it apart from the rest of the black text.
• Overall, this RP was exceptional for a debut. The gimmick works, and you’re clearly an accomplished writer. Like Blade said, you're my favourite new guy.

Killjoy - Matt Tastic

• I’m not a fan of RPs with multiple scenes. I would put three as my limit.
• The only unifying theme of the many scenes is the anonymous voice. That said, I really enjoyed that element. It adds depth to the Matt Tastic character. If it wasn’t for “?”, he’s be just another happy-go-lucky face.
• I like a fair amount of description in RPs, this doesn’t have that. It’s heavy on dialogue. While it doesn't suffer because of it, I do view it as a bit of a negative.
• The reason why it doesn't matter a lot is because you write Matt Tastic so well. He's entertaining enough to make copious amounts of dialogue enjoyable to read.

 

[GI Cake]

Action Saxton: (Told you I was going to pay you back, sucka.)

First off, I love the humor your RP's are always sprinkled with humor, Action Saxton is a great comedy character. It shows in not only the dialog, but in the setting and the descriptions. The way you set your RP's to be like a movie or a episode of a T.V show makes it really easy to follow the life of Saxton. The RP itself stories though always feel like they go off course. The story of Action taking on 30 ninjas in a battle royal was awesome, but it really didn't get me excited to see what Saxton can do at the Lottery.

Overall: I thought it was a great RP, but it was a few pieces short of a potential winning RP. Best of luck Broski.

 

[GI Cake]

Darren Bull: (Aweome_Miz)

Potential, this RP had plenty of it. But you failed to strike any of the hot, focal points with enough effort. The RP is short, which is fine, but like I said earlier, you missed out on a lot of things you could have done to make this a great RP. For starters, the setting sucked, their is no nice way to say it. I had no idea if it was the locker room to Aftershock, Ascension, or Meltdown, or even Lethal Lottery itself. You don't need to do much make a setting, but give the reader an idea on where and when the scene is taking place. Something simple as The Scene takes place in the locker room at Aftershock. The show had just ended and Darren Bull was the last to be finished in the locker room.

Another thing was you missed a lot is any real substance to the promo. You gave a little close to nothing on everyone else in the Mayhem Open Challenge. As a heel, you want to point out the flaws in other heels to make yourself appear better. Darren Bull is a snobby, upper class kid who always gets what he wants. That is something you have to take into account when you write your Promos. Look at characters such as Steven Holmes, his promos just ooze with his personalty and what his character is all about. You need to pick a direction you want with Darren Bull and stick with it. I also felt kind of iffy on the use of my character, Ricky Runn. The dialog was good, but you went into more about my Lethal Lottery match than the Open Challenge itself.

And lastly, reading through this promo, I nearly forgot the champ was Justin Cooper. In any match, even a title match, you need to talk about the champ. And how important that title could be to your character, you could have done so much more than just “It could change my career around” even that sounded kind of odd, considering your character is new in WZCW, it would have been more believable if you said it would have jump started your career.

Overall: The RP is lacking in a lot of areas, once you find the blend of character development, promo, and setting. You will start chalking up wins in no time.

 

[Shotaro]

OK, here's a run down of the RPs I have read so far. There is a LOT going on in these RPs so I'm gonna comment on what jumps out at me and things like formatting especially (Still getting used to RPing myself so I'm still going to shy away from discussing the content too much - I know very little about everyone still at this point.)

Mayhem Open Challenge: I want to give feedback for this match, but it is also my match. I will add in feedback for the open challenge after the Lottery has happenned.

RRR v SoD (Tag Team Championship Match)
Sons of Destiny:
I enjoyed both of these RPs, one good thing about being in a trio is that there are at least three voices in every RP and for me conversational RPs always work well. One thing I would say about your RPs is that they flow together nicely although the inconsistent formatting does irk me a little bit. I would much rather have either the names in bold in both at the start or the names colour coded early. I just don't like it because it is inconsistent but then I am fussy with stuff like that.

Runn Reynolds Runn:
Overall I thought your RP had some great smack talk. You really went for Hammond early on and it was effective. I also like the way you openly talk about Ricky Runn being a percieved weakness and then bring the hammer down on Overlast. I enjoyed finding out about Runn's past a little with his graduation night talk. Talking about being role models works really well. You manage to do it in a way that isn't pandering too much but is an effective face tactic. Just like the SoD the fact that you formatted it differently irked me a little, as I said, I'm just fussy that way.

My Pick: Runn Reynolds Runn

Steven Holmes vs Gordito
Steven Holmes
I like it. The opening paragraph felt a little over cooked descriptively but that is also something I am guilty of. I couldn't really get into the content of the RP too much since I know very little about Doug Crashin. Overall though it seemed to be a pretty effective RP.

Gordito
I liked the sense of humour this RP had. Gordito is a likeable face and for me it works well. Hopefully I'll get chance to read more of your older RPs. On the whole though very effective

My Pick: Gordito just edges it.

Eurasian Title:
Black Dragon (c) v Chris KO v Celeste Crimson
Both of these RPs are superb. Black Dragon's reads like a novel and it's going to take something pretty special to take that title away from him. It's very deliberately and delicately paced even if I feel it is possibly too long. Then again a story takes as long as it takes. Chris KOs RP works really well and shows a vulnerable side to a member of the most powerful stable on the roster. It added a great deal of depth to the character and the interview with Kurtsey worked pretty well. Overall two fantastic RPs.

My Pick: I thinkDragon will retain, but I am sure that Chris KO will have a strong showing. Who knows he may even pull a surprise out of the bag. The question in my mind is who gets to pin Celeste?

World Title match:
Honestly I don't think I could add anything to these RPs. Both are bloody huge! I do not envy creative here at all. For me Barbosa has the edge because of his stable mates and I think that also gives him the edge for the match.

My Pick: Barbosa, but only by a nose. I wouldn't be surprised to see Kurtsey screwed out of the title by the apostles though.

The Lethal Lottery
Ok, so here it's a little different. I don't have a massive amount of time to read every RP here, so I'm going to have to be selective. I will try to put at least a sentence for everyone but in all honesty I don't know if I will manage it.

Scott Hammond: Good conversational RP. Relatively short, snappy and to the point.

Jack Skinner: This RP did make me laugh. For what it is it works well, it's a shame it is so short or it could be a good one.

Mick Overlast: You seem to be focusing on your tag team match, which is no bad thing, discussing the last entrant advantage was a good angle to take though

Justin Cooper: I like the idea. the green narration and black speech looks a little odd but overall I liked it. I could imagine this being a promo for the lottery on youtube or something. Effective.

Titus: Again a clever idea, visiting your family before the big match is something I could imagine doing. It works pretty well to be honest. A clever idea having the dad be the primary character of the RP

I'm going to finish the LL participants later. There's just so many to read.

 

[GI Cake]

James Howard: (Shotaro)

First off, the first person view on your RP is very unique and new. Which gives a very refreshing read in WZCW. It gives me a feeling that I am reading a autobiography of James Howard, which is pretty damn good considering you are still fleshing out Howard and his new ground in WZCW. You also do a great job covering your past match with Stormrage and are giving subtle hints at a future tag team with the fellow rookie. (Which as a tag team guy, I like.)

You also did a very good job on the setting, which is something I consider very important when it comes to wanting readers to be engaged into the RP. It is kind of hard to put everything together through the first person perspective, but that is more my fault for my mental conditioning than your writing.

Overall: Considering you're new to WZCW, you are making a great start and I am looking forward to seeing more from the life of Howard. Keep up the great work dude.

 

[GI Cake]

Mikey Stormrage: (Yazloz)

First off, I do enjoy the first person perspective you and Shotoro have in common. But I do have a few ribs with this RP. Mikey's girlfriend rep is Taylor Swift, and then you have Mikey listen to some Taylor Swift on the radio. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, but it just kind of irks me a little bit. Aside from that, I do like Mikey as a character, the video game nerd turned wrestler is very interesting, but I think it needs more meat under it. Why did Mikey take up Wrestling? What is his inspiration? These are all things that need to be address. The setting you made was also simple, but effective. You gave the reader just enough to let us know what and where the RP is taking place without going to far in.

Speaking of addressing, in your RP's you need to do more with doing a promo on the actual match. You want to win a Mayhem Shot against Justin Cooper, but in your RP had nothing to do with the Mayhem division, the champ, your relationship with Howard. Nothing of the RP had any real meaning to the division. Covering the past and who your character is may be important, but you also need to set out what you have planned for the future.

Overall: Mikey is a fresh, new character. The first person view is very enjoyable but until you learn how to connect the dots with character development, promo, and overall writing. You will rise through the ranks in no time.

 

[GI Cake]

Johnny Scumm: (CP Munk)

I really liked this RP a lot, in fact, I would go as far to say it was one of my favorites for the Mayhem challengers. Your formatting is a bit different now seeing as how you have the setting and the character actions italicised and have your RP reading left to right instead of the centered format. Overall I like the new formatting change in your RP's.

The setting itself was solid as always, you do a good job placing the reader exactly where you want them to watch the tales of Johnny Scumm. The WZCW fan interaction was pretty neat considering big companies like the WWE always do these kind of things for big PPV's. And the use of the characters were really good, I enjoyed the segments with Kurtsey, Crimson, and Runn Reynolds Runn. All of it was good stuff and just simply felt right.

The promo being the run in with Cooper felt a little odd however. I don't understand why a fellow WZCW superstar had to sneak into the fan event to do a run-in with the champion. Surely you could have just walked by with security with ease. But that is just my common sense ruining things for me.

Holy smokes, is this a Johnny Scumm face turn we see on the way? Scumm high-fiving the fans, fans cheering the same man who made it a habbit to give the middle finger to every one on his way to the ring. Hopefully this new direction can help give Scumm new life and hopefully brings you back into Mayhem contention.

Overall: Kayfabe, I don't see why Cooper wouldn't pick the guy who openly challenged him at Lethal Lottery in front of all the fans. But with RP's from guys like Marquel and Howard, it will be a tough decision from the three of you. You keep on growing and hopefully you get your shot.

 

[The Best]

Ricky Runn (Pancake) (Tag team RP)

-The settings you put in here are very different from each other, which I liked. I found it interesting how you went from a beach in Miami to bungee jumping off of a bridge. I really do enjoy creativity in RP's, and that's why the setting really stuck out to me. Also, just to add on to that, you do a very good job of describing where you are, and what you're doing which is also something that I look for in RP's.

- I chuckled at the movie references, and Austin's line "I’m not that old, you dick" that was pretty funny, and set up your dialogue about your opponents very well. It seems that both Runn and Reynolds have a chemistry where they can joke around for one second and then quickly go back to being serious which is a very positive thing to have for a tag team.

- It seems you and Reynolds seem to be taking an underdog role, even though you guys are the champions. Kind of like Frankie Edgar did (if you follow MMA you'll get it, but I'm not sure if you do) when he was champion, which can be a good and bad thing. I'm not sure if that was your actual intentions with this RP, but it's what I saw.

Overall: This RP was a great follow up to Reynold's/Numbers' and I feel like you both hit the nail on the head with each of them. I have you guys retaining.

Dr. Alhazred/Red Skull:

- I really like your font for one. It's really easy to read, and keeps me in to the RP. Now on to the RP itself.

- I really do like the conversation with the waitress. You do have a fair amount of comedy in there, but I also saw some seriousness, which I really liked. This got me chuckling, and I really liked how you handled that conversation.

- Changing your character before a massive match (maybe the biggest/most important match in WZCW itself) can be a very risky thing. You got there with your current character/gimmick, and then change it just before the match, and you really didn't introduce the new character/ gimmick in the RP either (it might not be a new gimmick which makes this part of the feedback useless, so my apologies if your not changing his gimmick) but either way it is a very; very risky thing in my opinion. I think it could go either way, honestly.

Overall: I really did like this RP for the most part, the font kept me in to it, you had a fantastic mix of comedy and seriousness, and you took a risk in it too, by possibly changing your character. Overall, it was pretty solid, and you can definitely be in the top 10, maybe even better.

 

[GI Cake]

((As one half of the tag team Champs. I'm going to give feedback for the new teams on the scene. You're welcome!))

BLT (Bearded Local Talent)

First off, welcome back Crock, and welcome to WZCW Theo. It is great to see you guys as an official tag team. Both your characters are very unique and you do a great job in giving us The Beard and The Local Talent. The dynamic between Beard and TLT is very interesting and has me excited for future tag RP's. I also wish to stress that I loathe lines. It just seems like a cheap way to bring us into the next scene. But other than that, it is a really solid RP.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Joe West/Black Dynamite

One of the things I really like about the rp is how well you capture West and his attitude. I can feel his anger as I read your rp. It didn't feel forced, it had a pretty natural feel to it. You are close to the line of going over the top with his heel antics but you are still far enough under that line to make it effective. I glanced at your past rps and what some of the other reviews have said about them and I can see some growth in your ability. I'm still new myself so I can relate to the learning process. I think you did a good job of cutting a promo for the match. I liked how you were able to work West's attitude in with Jackson's. The way West treated Leon reminded me of how the Rock used to act with the Coach so I liked that.

I did find a few grammar and spelling mistakes but nothing that really threw off the rp. I think the swearing works for West but I would try to tone it down a little. I swear in my rps from time to time but personally I think the over use is an easy to convey the anger. Like I said, just a little tone down, overall the swearing works for him. The end was a little weak. The quick comments on Lightening and Bull at the end were disappointing after the interaction with Jackson. The comment on Bull's family just felt generic.

Overall I think you are improving and coming along. You have a pretty good grasp on West's character and if you can find a consistent balance between good promos and good background you will start picking up steady wins.

Also, and if I was judging the rp I wouldn't hold it against you, but the shade of yellow you used for Leon wasn't easy on the eyes against the white background, especially in contrast to the red you used for West.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Mikey Stormage/Yazloz

Making sure I keep my promise about the whole returning the favor thing. Anyway I liked your RP, seeing the conversation from your point of view was interesting. I told Shotaro this as I was giving him feedback but I feel you guy's team can become a great dynamic. I feel as though your character is somebody people can relate too more. I think the first person view fits both of your character's and if you can continue to do both your RP's the way you are currently doing them I think you guys will be great in the tag division.

I didn't notice a lot of grammar mistakes, I got confused on the coloring a little bit but I am color blind so it's not your fault. Just as I was giving Shotaro feedback I realised I have a hard time finding the bad parts about RP's, whether that's a good or bad thing is up to you. But just as I said to Shotaro I think you both should expand on your girlfriend's characters more. Thanks for the original feedback and I hope this was somewhat helpful.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

I promised I would give Echelon a review after the pony reference

I like it. You told a story, you got involved with the character, you worked a promo for the match.

The opening scene took me a minute to figure out what was going on but once I got it it was very good. You painted a great picture. I felt like I could close my eyes and see everything you were describing with ease. The LSD reference was good for a little chuckle as well. One of the things I like is you do a solid job of capturing Celeste and her age well. She isn't old by any means but she isn't young and you do a good job walking that line. The family interaction isn't bad either. Personally interacting with NPCs is something I don't believe I'm good at yet but you do a fine job. The anime convention was a good little read. It was lighthearted when it needed to be, and serious when it was called for. You also did a good job getting across your mission with trying to dethrone Ty.

The only real fault I found was the end. It just seemed very abrupt. I was enjoying reading the interaction between characters and then, boom its over. I'm nitpicking here as well but I would have liked a little more detail with the anime convention but thats probably just my inner nerd talking. Also I mentioned it in my review with West, the yellow font you used for Sandy wasn't easy to read. I'm gonna check my color settings though, it may just be my screen. Regardless I wouldn't hold that against you if I was judging

Overall it was a very good rp, especially considering you just came back from your medical issues. Look forward to having you back

 

[Bernkastel]

Yazloz

What I liked most about the RP – the thing that stood out the most to me was that your dialogue actually flows really well.

What I liked least about the RP – you lacked description in area’s that really needed it. I felt the characters lacked emotions where the dialogue needed transitions.

Overall this RP is pretty solid. It’s obvious that you have a good feel for your characters; you just need to work on giving them more emotion than just a simple scene change after every half dozen lines of dialogue. If you can work on that, then you and Shotaro will be tag team champions in no time. Another tip is watch repeating certain words and phrases either in the same sentance or paragraph. I see this mistake quite often in when I'm reading RP's.