RP Feedback Thread

[The Best]

Here's the first batch; more to come once I get the time to write it.

Dr. Alhazred- It was a pretty up and down RP. One, check your grammar; especially in the opening; also, you really didn’t talk about your opponent that much, and as you said in the RP, Kurtsey is focused on someone else, well it seems Alhazred is focused on something else. Alright, now positives, your vocabulary (especially in the closing paragraph) is fantastic, and that really made the RP a better read. I like how your character (and Mister) is going, and you and King should have a great run as champs.

Blade- First off, I really like how you made it a WZCW.com type video; I found that very creative. Besides that, it really wasn’t long, because Blade isn’t actually wrestling in the match, but it got the point across, and I thought that it was very solid. Good job and it will be interesting to see if and how Blade gets involved in the Ale vs. Hammond MD 60 match.

 

[NSL]

Titus - Just a quick disclaimer: I haven't read any of your RPs in a while, so this could be way off...

I liked the RP as a whole, as it felt real, and fit the Titus character well. You've always written good RPs, and this is right in line with that. But, it almost seemed like you have taken a "step down" (even though you say right in the RP it is not) to being that veteran that puts younger guys over.

Like I said; I could be wrong, but that;s the impression I get. Good overall though

 

[The Best]

More Feedback!

Baller- This is a huge match for you, and I think that you nailed the RP! Baller seems to be in the biggest storyline of his career, and your RP’s are just getting better in my opinion. Not much else to say, besides you used Bateman and Serra greatly here, and Baller is ready to make a statement going into his match against Ricky.

Sean Cruz- Short and simple RP here, but I liked it. I like your writing style, and in my opinion, you brought yourself into a pretty challenging role/character here, but I feel like you’re doing a great job with it/him. Titus is a huge mountain to climb, and I felt that this would be very close actually, so good job on that. Only negative is that it was pretty short, and I felt that there could have been more detail put into it, but besides that good job.

Masters- First off, even though you are a very strong RP’er, and after this round, your character got elevated so much, I feel like the heel turn was too early. You are 4 matches into your career with this character, and I feel like such a quick heel turn is very unnecessary. Onto the RP, I feel that your RP skill is excellent. Masters is a pretty fair character to work with, and I like your writing style with him. Again, I thought that the heel turn was a little early, but that has nothing to do with your writing, and I really like your RP”s, and obviously, you’re set for a huge push after this round.

Constantine- Very strong RP here, Constantine gets a very strong point across to Bateman, and his board of directors here. There was a good amount of detail/direction in this RP, which I really like. One negative is that you/he didn’t talk about Toyota at all during the RP. I feel that you should at least give a line about your upcoming opponent, but besides that this was very well written, and I really; honestly enjoyed reading it.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Ricky Runn

Before I even start, I see you've inserted an image... this picture is a distraction to the description you've set for the start of the RP. The whole purpose of descriptive writing in an RP is to explain the details of an image you wish to create for the reader, allowing them to see the exact things that you are seeing. To place a picture of a mountain where it's blue skies and seemingly in the middle of the day to only mention underneath that it's becoming dusk contradicts itself. Whilst most people don't feel that the image takes away from the description, it does absolutely no justice being inserted in the first place. So, for future reference, images such as these shouldn't be used as it gives off the notion that you can't write descriptively. Another thing: I'd like to comment on is the RP titles like "The Climb." See if you can try and jazz these up a bit. Maybe use a different font so it stands out and doesn't look boring. If you're going to use the regular font for the titles, you might as well insert the RP title where it says "Title:" when you are submitting a reply.

As I was reading through, I noticed at some points you were describing situations in past tense yet the situation you are describing is in the present tense. "Rob was wearing a climbing harness" is one example... what happened? Did he take it off half way up climbing the mountain and now is climbing without one? Just make sure you keep your eye on top of these mistakes by proof-reading over your RP multiple times, otherwise you'll have blunders like grammatical errors or writing people's names wrong. So yeah, proof-read.

I've now read through the whole thing ignoring any small errors and come to the question... why didn't you incorporate more of the mountain in your interview. I know you climbed a mountain due to your gimmick and it worked, honestly. But if you are going to give a generic interview on the top of a mountain, the pay-off is going to be a lot less effective than you are hoping for. I know it's cheesy but where is the part about you climbing to the top of WZCW like Ricky did with the mountain? No Everest jokes either? You've got to incorporate a special scene like this with your interview and speech.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -​

Other than that, your writing style is awesome and you have the tools to make an excellent RP and be a great RPers. You just need to practice and get used to RPing. You understand your character and I can picture what your character can be like, which is a huge plus if the reader can understand Ricky. Just keep at it.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

This is for both Ale and Runn and anyone else that uses this:

One of my biggest pet peeves about RPing is "scene opens" or "fades to black." As soon as we start reading your reply, we know the scene has started and as soon as we see your signature, we know the scene is over. No need to re-iterate that to us as it detracts from your work. Try to just start out by explaining the scene right there and then without saying "we start off with..."

Ale

I liked the psyching up session but the fact that you went through it a second time dragged the RP out. Probably best to do it once so you can get straight to the point where you call people out like you did... which you only need to do once as well, not on three separate occasions. Important things like this, mention only once so it has a more powerful impact on the RP. However, things like teasing Chris K.O.'s name change is okay to do multiple times for comedic effect... as long as you don't over do it.

I understand the Ale character from this RP but it completely confused me at the end when you started mentioning WZCW playing cards. The toilet paper bit was funny but the cards came out of nowhere. Probably should of stuck with the toilet paper bit and went to the toilet, ending with your dad's last line.

Also, I feel this needed more description of where the RP was. Saying "Ale's basement" doesn't give me the feel of the RP. To me, I pictured two people in a dark square box that apparently has a bathroom appear at the end. The first descriptive paragraph needs to grab the reader and yank him into the RP so he becomes apart of it. To me, I forced myself to imagine it so I can understand the RP... and readers are lazy and not want to do that.

Keep up the good work.

 

[Kermit]

Steamboat Ricky

This is coming from someone who has never ready any of your roleplays, but is fairly excited about your much hyped return. So here I go.

The first part of the roleplay was exactly what I was hoping for: An epic, returning superstar, intro. The raising of the pirate flag gave off a nostalgic feel, that a newcomer can even feel. The first part of your roleplay is definitely the strongest, but that's not to say that the rest is unappealing.

I wasn't expecting you to break the forth wall and confront the narrator, but i guess that is good a thing. It was something different that will have me keeping your role play in my mind for some time to come.

This is no offense to you at all, but I'm just not a big fan of the "interview approach." So consider it a good thing when I read your interview with interest. It was a fun tone that seems to personify your character.

One thing I was curious about. What does this mean?

And once I return you the dark match before the show, I'll be back going for the biggest prize in the game.

I assume this is a typo, but it stunk that it was at the end of your roleplay. It distracted me from the text and halted the "closing experience."

It was a great roleplay overall, and I can't wait to see Baller's response. Good job!

 

[Miko]

Action Saxton: Action Saxton is easily one of my favourite WZCW characters, so forgive me if I start gushing a bit when I say that I really enjoyed this RP, your someone that understands your own character and knows their direction, as such your RP's dont have wild inconsistencies due to you trying another gimmick to make your character "cool" or whatever, the general madness is par for course, I like that. I like the giving announcements to the adoring crowd, I like the narration, I really like Saxton's own dialogue.

The best thing to do would be to find some bad points and give some suggestions, I couldnt really find any though, maybe when I write some more myself I'll spot some, although I like to doubt that, but as such I cant really help you out here, I just honestly think this was a really good RP, especially giving Saxton a legitimate goal, but not a particularly generic one, instead a goal that you feel Action Saxton would try to achive. Knowing your characters is the most important part of any story I feel, I think you do.

Ricky: I wasnt going to do this as your one of my opponents in the battle royal and I think it might be in bad taste, however, you asked politely, so I shall try, although I'll admit this will be quite generic as I dont feel particularly comfortable doing this. Falkon has critiqued this a lot better than I can, I'll try not to stray into what he's talked about. Your character has the enthusiasm of a younger person (I feel old typing this), which is good considering your WZCW's youngest ever competitor, I liked you telling it through somebody else's perspective, however it did feel rushed, not your fault I know, but it doesnt help.

Some of the emotional side came off as very forced I think, its' hard to get that sort of thing right though, I think when you've done a few more RP's and really got to grips with Ricky anything like that should be ironed out. I did enjoy it though.

 

[GI Cake]

Ale:
Not only have you understood your character but you also seem to be able to convey Ale's father quite nicely in this RP. Not a whole lot of detail when it came to the setting which is what I feel hurt your RP the most. What is in Ale's basement? I think if you were to elaborate more on what is around Ale your RP's will come out much better and feel much more tuned. The dialog is very well done and the pep chant between Ale and George felt unique, when I was in High school football we did a similar thing like this in the weight room which help make the whole thing feel more real to me. Overall it was a good RP but with more description you can make your "good" RP's into "Great" RPs.

Pros:
Dialog
and character build up.

Cons:
Not a lot of description
Lack of setting (which falls into the first con)


S.H.I.T:

Holy cow a fighting robot! How awesome is that shit!!?? Oh what makes it better than that!? It's actually a person who thinks its a robot! Loving the gimmick dude, it's simple and you seem to write about him very fluently. But I found it kinda odd on why was Stacy was blitzing through the halls to find S.H.I.T. Was he late for an interview? Did Stacy have a deadline and if she were not able to get the interview in on time she would get fired? Just small things like that you shouldn't leave up to the reader to ask about. However the dialog was pretty witty and funny between SHIT, Stacy, and the random crewmembers walking back hitting on Stacy. But this also adds another question. With SHIT being a new entry how was Stacy had the wits to give commands to the robot.

Pros:
Funny dialog
Great gimmick
Great use of outside characters

Cons:
Missing details in the story.
Could have been longer.

Chris K.O

Dang you play the heel role quite nicely. Chris K.O seems to be more and more of a maniacal genius with each week passing by. The description in your RP was superb and very immersive, I could picture Chris and the setting in my head which gets huge props for that. You also did a great job conveying Chris K.O's rather odd obsession with Everest. But at the same time you forgot about the other wrestlers in the Battle Royal. Which is good and bad, This gives more fuel for the fire of a Everest/Chris K.O feud but at the expense of this match. Chris might know how many titles Everest has held but he learned nothing about the wrestlers he is in a match in. Also, where did Chris K.O get all those VHS tapes of Everest? Everything is either on the internet or on DVD these days.

Pros:
Super good description.
Good dialog considering Chris is mainly speaking to himself.
Simple but effective setting.

Cons:
No words on the people you are facing in the dark match.
The quote at the start was a little too deep for the RP.

Jack Skinner:
Finally got around to feedback for Jack Skinner. How did this dweb get a contract over Ricky? But anyway that's what makes your RP's special, you are able to image Jack Skinner very well and he can be in pretty much any losing situation and can be standing in the mirror praising himself. Where you RP hurt the most was the setting. I had no idea where Jack was until towards the end when you mention he was in a locker room. Which makes me ask more questions as to which locker room was he in. Was it the one at Bally's fitness center? The girls locker room? The locker room at the YMCA? I understand that we can all assume you mean the WZCW locker room but assumptions are not something you should leave to the reader when it comes to writing your RP. And like Chris K.O's RP, you talked about your rival but no mention of the wrestlers you are in a match in.

Pros:
Funny dialog
An easy read.
Character understanding

Cons:
Lack of setting
No mention of the other wrestlers in the battle royal.


Steven Holmes

To be honest, I don't know much about Holmes's character up to now. But what I can get a grip on is that he is a great public speaker and obviously very bitter man. From the RP I can picture Steven standing at the podium speaking but most of the time he is very still and from time to time makes a few movements. When you break the dialog with some description you want to add a few more lines of description to help further image Steven speaking. I couldn't fathom the idea of Steven Holmes shaking his sour face the whole time he spoke about his match. But onto the good, you did very well in laying down your history with the Doctor and the submission match.

Pros:
Good imaging
Good description

Cons:
The dialog felt long winded.
Not enough description in between the dialog to convey the characters action as he spoke.

Action Saxton

Damn you Saxton, Saxton is just so... Saxtoningly. He is a unique character and a parody of black action stars like Shaft. He is a very cool and fun character at the same time. Starting your RP's off like the credits to a movie help further push that image and even helps build the character. The dialog is well written and once again fits your character very well. But the dialog felt a little to long and winded for your character. I couldn't see Action Saxton stay still and just talk. Punch the podium, drop kick a ninja, add something Saxtonly, I can see Action well, as a man of action. Use that by adding more description and breaking up the dialog. But in the wall of dialog you covered your bases very well. You spoke about the Mayhem division, and you also did well establishing the mutual respect with Alex Bowen in your RP.

Pros:
Great dialog
Detailing was great
Nice and simple setting

Cons:
The dialog was long winded which made Action feel like more of a PA system than speaking in person.


Okay, my painkillers are kicking in. Time for me to go beddy bye, more Feedback will be up later for those I didn't do.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Ricky Runn: Visual aids can work and sometimes they don't. Here, I'm not sure it was necessary. I think your description of the setting alone was fine and the picture wasn't needed. I also like this thrill seeker thing you’re doing. Different if nothing else (KB should trademark that). I like the recurring theme of being a bit shy, though I'm not so sure how long you can keep it going. There's probably too much description here. You can't describe every single thing in the scene, sometimes you have to let your reader's imagination run wild a little. Another point, you don't really say that much about who you could face in the match either. Overall, good progress.

Steamboat Ricky: I haven't really read that much Ricky aside from the infamous shaving RP and the one you did for KC last year, so I apologise ahead of time if something goes over my head. Okay, I laughed a lot here. Much like Titus, this comeback seems like it's mainly comedic based. That's all good, but a serious RP won't hurt from time to time...and just as I type that, I get to the serious bit. Good work overall, everything worked with good comedy meshed with serious tones. If I had a complaint it would be that I wanted maybe a little more talk about how Baller went from jobber city to actually having some respect and experience over the time you left. Oh, and talking about Everest being there wouldn't have hurt either. Other than that, good stuff.

Blade: As you know I'm the one writing your match, and I'm very excited with what I've got planned for the match after these two RP's. You go to the roots of Hammond's character, something I always think works as a dastardly heel. Though I'm not really sure if kidnapping was the best way to get that across, it does add some good heat to your character. I'm also not sure Becky should just stand there as I was wondering why she hadn't gone to get help for poor John. Overall, a very good RP...you fiend you.

Alex Bowen: Oh this match will be sweet. The severity of the beating Ty gave Bowen should not have been underestimated and your addressing of that was excellent with the pissed friend. Bowen justifying what he does to the doctor, and what he will do, is another smart concept and worked very well. Overall this is a highly intelligent RP. A problem I had was definitely the lack of focus shown on Action Saxton though. It needed more than the three lines or so you gave him.

Titus/Red Mask: Good serious work to start. Letting us into Titus' mind a bit more when it comes to his feelings on the age issue and of course, on the issue of the losing streak at Apocalypse. There was a good serious tone to this entire thing actually. There are some nice comedic moments here, but they don't get in the way of the serious points, and that's the hallmark of a talented RPer. I had a good visual image of Red Mask's battle and everything flowed very well. Baez is really the only thing missing here, and he should've been addressed in some sort of direct form. Apart from that, very good.

Baller: The first part came off as generic heel stuff, which is fine. You were rude to Becky, arrogant and selfish. It worked, though perhaps a few custom heel mannerisms or a catchphrase would help. Okay the second part was very good. You had a unique, but smart setting, had a rant to get your feelings off your chest, and had some decent comedy. I liked it a lot. It'll be tough to choose between you and Ricky. You needed to break the rant up a bit more. I think with some spacing, it could have flowed better.
Otherwise this was top stuff.

Ale: Before I start, I want to point out that you're improving a fair bit with every RP and I'm starting to like this character of yours a more now than when you started. The different lay-out took some getting used to, but having read this a second time, it works pretty well. You address your potential opponents very well, and run them down. Someone was going to have to do a S.H.I.T. joke eventually, and I'm just glad it wasn't me. I think you should've talked about the consequences of winning this one a bit more, speculated on the prize at stake if you will, but overall impressive stuff.

Sam Smith: First off, congratulations it seems are in order...or are they?

[YOUTUBE]a1Y73sPHKxw[/YOUTUBE]

Bad jokes aside, interesting introduction to a new direction for Sam Smith. It's always good when a character shows some good fear and genuine human emotion outside of anger or something generic. There's a strong serious tone with Smith that's going to make this angle sweet for sure. However, two points. 1: Kurtesy's one line of dialogue seemed...odd. It seemed a little out there for his uber relaxed character to say that. 1: How does Smith compete in his match if he can barely make it through an interview without taking a bottle of pills? Some food for thought.

 

[gd]

Blade - Decent stuff here. I'm not really a big fan of the whole kidnapping/beating up a helpless man thing though. Seems a little Chris Jonesish to me. Also I don't think Becky was all that neccessary in this one. You could've made it just a one on one encouter in a dark creepy room or some shit like that. Talking about your mind games and all that jazz was a positive though. So a solid RP, not your best, but may be enough to keep the title.

Hammond - Really liked this one, some of the best stuff I've seen from you. It was nothing too fancy but drove home all the points you needed to and really brought some intensity to the feud. I truly think you have a great shot to walk out champion in this one.

Saxton - Fantastic, absolutely loved it. I can never get enough of Saxton's distorted perception of reality. You make it work so well everytime. This had just the right amout of humor, drama, and barbed wire. I suppose you could've talked about Bowen a bit more, but I realize that isn't really your thing and I honestly don't think it was really needed. I see a victory in your future, sucka.

Bowen - Another pretty good effort here. You're typical "I am mayhem and whatnot" routine worked pretty well. Spelling and capitilization were a little iffy at point, but nothing too bad. I just don't see this beating Doc's fantastic RP though, didn't really have the "wow" factor for me.

Steambot Ricky - Epic stuff here, perfect return RP. It was just as piratey as I expected and the humor was thrown in nicely. I also enjoyed the whole narrator bit, well played. Good having one of the best wrasslers this company has ever seen return, matey.

 

[gd]

Baller - Really liked this. You've improved a hell of a lot since your last absence, picking up a totally deserving win against Everest last week and I think you got a shot against Ricky as well. I like how you went a little more all out with the how much you're better than Ricky and have beaten him and whatnot. You're character has a lot of potential at the moment, like a young Michael Cole in a good way, being the most hated wrassler in the company. Anyway, good stuff and I think you actually got a shot here.

Reynolds - One of the better ones I've read from you. Dragged a bit at times, but for the most part kept my attention throughout. You were pretty spot on the whole time and I felt the emotion from the beginning. Using Gordito was a perfect fit as well. Ty is tough to beat and I haven't read his yet, but I think there's a chance you'll be able to do it with this one. Stellar effort. Only negative is you should've talked more about S.H.I.T, but that can be said for most RPs

Ty - Well...uhhh...this was really good. No mistakes at all in here, as usual. The heel character fits you much better than as a face, which certainly wasn't bad either. I liked the line about the stench of materialismm, good stuff. All of the wickedness and dark magic and blood and whatnot certainly make for a chilling seen. Congrats on retaining your title.

Holmes - Decent enough. Filling everyone in on the entire feud and happenings is always a good thing. Dragged just a bit, perhaps would've been better to break it up a bit with members of the SAC asking questions or making comments regarding the happenings? Only saw one little typo, everything was up to snuff for the most part though. Admirable effort.

Kurtesy - Diggin' the new gimmick, I believe this is the first RP of yours I've read in which you were a yoga instructor. MTFO for William Teach of course, what ever happened to that guy? Anyway, you took a much different approach than your opponent to this match and I think it'll work out quite well for you. You really have got a grasp of your new character and the last line send off was well placed here. Good work.

 

[gd]

Alhazred - Entertaining as always. You may have got a bit racist at one point, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I suppose. Anyway, good mix of the normal talking about your opponents stuff and the funny laser tag stuff, which was what I enjoyed the most. A few formatting issues here and there with the colors, but didn't distract from it that much. Keep up the funny in the tag division my man.

King - Not bad, not bad at all. Like many others here you've improved greatly since your debut. I enjoyed the first part a little more as it got a bit genericy at the end. The whole driving argument and whatnot entertained me though. The one big issue I did have was that Alhazred and Richard had very similar colors for their speech. I'd either choose 4 more completely distince colors or, as your partner has done, tag the persons name in every line of speech, especially considering the number of people you use in your RPs. It was always my thought that tag partners should have more or less the exact same formatting, but that's up to you I suppose.

Rogers Pretty decent RP here. The first part seemed a bit uneccessary and perplexed me a bit as to why it was included, but it kept my attention at least. I'm a huge fan of your character and lines like the one about you not tagging out for 50 years. Would've liked a bit more of that. The dynamic with Showtime was interesting. Solid RP, but not the best I've seen from you, would've enjoyed a bit more Rogers shenanigins.

Showtime Long as always of course, but I think that really hurts you here. A lot of the beginning really wasn't needed, for instant the big spiel about Reynolds. I understand what you were getting at, but something a little more clear, concise and to the point with more focus on your opponents would've done you better. I did enjoy the bit of Showtime flair that you showed at times though, obviously it's not a bad RP. I just don't think it'll be enough for the win.

Red Mask Another good RP here Liam, the little stuff is certainly what I enjoy the most, like the gay priest movie, the topical nature of your RP, and of course Byron Turner. I suppose you could've done more with Baez and whatnot and about how his mask is shitty, or something like that, but tis not really a big deal.

Baez Digging the font as always. Good to see you're still doing that. Not a bad RP by any means here. Cartoon porn being included always means a good RP. The whole second half part after the desk flipping really put it over the top for me. A couple typos, but nothing too bad. This ones a real toss up for me, honestly don't know how they'll decide.

Smith You're a big fan of the ongoing storyline thing it appears. A pill addiction is certainly an interesting way to go, exciting to see how that plays out. Not how strong this RP made you look going into the match and it was a bit generic for my liking, but I still got the feeling you're going to win this one anyway.

 

[Harthan]

Here's a first batch of feedback, friends. More to come tomorrow.

Titus/Red Mask: Overall, a very solid RP. The content is very good and I feel like the general theme/point is demonstrated well. My major complaint is that the dialogue, at some points, feels unnatural. “Get yourself away, Leon” is a good example. I just play that line out like I'm watching a film, and it doesn't feel right. When the rioter says “nothing of note”, that also felt a bit odd to me. It's a very passive statement that doesn't gel with the intensity of the situation. There's also a few minor grammatical errors tossed about, mostly missed commas. Overall, I thought this was very good, just with a few minor hiccups here and there.

Baez: I like your approach to dialogue by not using quotation marks and instead just color coding. It's neat. My only complaint is that the colors for Bateman and Myles were so similar that it was very hard to tell them apart. I'd suggest using more varied colors in the future. In general, though, I liked this a lot. The dialogue was very natural to each of the characters, you did a great job addressing the relevant issues of the feud, as well as advancing things by telling us more about your character, and as I pictured this as an actual televised promo or what have you, I thought it was very well done. There are a few grammatical issues here and there, so a little more proofreading might be in order, but they're minor. The humor was quite well done on the whole (although the Vixen comment stung me a bit, haha), though I thought the last mention of Alisha being into hentai was out of place. Overall I thought this was quite excellent.

Barbosa: Very nice. I like the insanity dynamic and how it essentially gives you three characters in one. It's a very neat idea. Not only is a neat idea, it's very well executed. I also commend you on the ability to write such a long RP without it getting too dull, though to be entirely honest I thought some of the minute breakdown of Toyota and Dave got a tad boring. Not yawn inducing or anything, just like it was a bit rambling. I see how it fits with your character, however. You got in lots of character development and addressed a lot of issues relevant to the match, which is very good. The flaw, for me, was that it might have been a bit longer than it needed to be, and therefore got a tad boring. I think, personally, you went for epic here and I appreciate that effort, even if it maybe fell short. Overall, however, a very solid RP.

Big Dave: To be honest, I don't know how I feel about this. I think the execution, presentation, dialogue, and that sort of thing were all excellent. I don't really like, however, the fact that this RP so totally shattered kayfabe with regards to the storyline with Kravinoff and the triple threat. Dave just out and said it was all a big work, that he and Kravinoff planned everything out, and that the upcoming match is all a story. It's all a bit disconcerting, to be honest. A certain toeing of the line of kayfabe can spice things up, but this left kayfabe in the dust and kept on going. Unfortunately, I don't really find this to my taste at all – I feel like everything ought to be kept within the bounds of kayfabe, myself. Of course it's all executed wonderfully, it's the core concept behind it that leaves me, though I wish I could say otherwise, not liking this very much.

Wasabi Toyota: I liked this a lot. Reminds me a bit of my old character, actually. It's very funny stuff and it's all very well written. I don't have very much criticism to offer on it, to be honest. You addressed all relevant issues, developed the character, provided entertaining connective tissue, and wrote it all well. Very nicely done.

 

[NSL]

Ricky Runn - There's a mix of positives and negatives here. The dialogue was great, and you focused on both the past and future of the character. But, there were more than a handful of spelling/grammar errors (maybe just a pet peeve), and there's always a risk of too much description. Once Ricky and Rob reached the summit, the mix-up was fine. Before that, it seemed like I was asking myself "...and where's the RP in all this?". Overall, good work, but room for improvement.

Ale - Continuity seems to be a problem in the "open". First, they're lying down, then Ale is sitting, then they're face-to-face, without Ale standing. I know it's a very minor detail, but it is a detail worth watching, so you don't make the same mistake, on a larger scale, in the future. Towards the middle, you get the idea across, that Ale is a big, scary man, but then you make him seem a bit childish at the end, with him going straight from screaming, to making a shit joke. Without having read your other RPs, I'd say you need to pick an attitude and a direction, and stick to it.

S.H.I.T. - Good comedic RP. It gives some detail on the character, but doesn't go "full ******". A little more background wouldn't have hurt, or maybe more info on the match at hand, but given the character, it makes sense to not include more than you did.

Chris K.O. - This was...interesting. Like Ricky Runn, there was a bit too much description in the opening. We can be told he has a cigarette in one hand, and a remote in the other, without knowing exactly how he is holding each. However, you did set the scene up well, and talked at length about your character's future. But, you may have overlooked the match at hand.

Saboteur - I liked this. Saboteur is a fun character, and your RPs are always a good read. It covers who he is, and delves into his psyche a little. But, you skimmed over this match, and mentioned almost nothing of your past. While covering your guy's personality is important, there are other things to cover as well. A good read is not always a good RP, if that makes sense.

Black Dragon - Unlike just about everyone else in this match, you covered your past very well, and gave some solid insight on the present state of mind for Black Dragon. Your writing (here, and across the forums) is always great, and this is no exception. I'm intrigued by how you need to be in the match, but don't want to be. There's a lot of depth to Black Dragon, that a lot of people forget with their RPs.

 

[gd]

Ricky Runn First of read of you, not bad by any means. You remind me a bit of Gordito with your cheery disposition and whatnot, but of course you still have a bit of a way to go before you get to that level. Formatting was quite nice as well. As the negatives go, a lot of this seemed like filler to me. Perhaps you didn't need as much description regarding the climb of the mountain, or you could've focused more on Ricky's character and how the climb was a symbol and all that jazz on the way up. There were also a couple typos/spelling things and I believe you did switch tense at one point. I prefer to write in present as do most, but writing in past works as well. Bottomline not a bad effort by any means and I look forward to watch you continue to grow and improve.

Also, regrets for not fitting Ricky into my RP, maybe if I hadn't written it at midnight I would've had a better chance of making it work. Don't worry, I'll be sure to feature him in a future RP, think it could work out well.

Ale Not bad, you're definitely improving as this is better as some of your earlier ones. Not sure how I feel about the screaming kind of thing that was going on. I do like how Ale seemed a bit more emotional and invested in the whole thing. Other than that, not a ton here. I don't think you're gonna win this one, but like Ricky you have a bright future and as long as you keep improving those wins will come soon enough.

S.H.I.T Not ashamed to say I'm S.H.I.T mark. Very good stuff here, one of the most humors characters in the thread obviously. It's a brilliant gimmick and there's a bunch of ways you can go with it, look forward to looking forward to what's in store for the future. I suppose the only negatives would be a couple minor grammar things and not everyone is going to be in the almost all comedy character, much like the deal is with Saxton. Although I wouldn't worry about it, as long as you keep RPing like this everyting will work itself out, good sir.

Chris K.O Wow, I quite liked this actually. Sam Masters wasn't bad but I really think you've hit a homer with Chris K.O. Extremely well written RP here and the whole mysterious vibe really has me intrigued. Also think it was smart of you to focus on Everest as in reality that is a bigger deal for you at the moment that the battle royal. Only gripe is a few typos, but that'll happen. Overall great work and I wouldn't be surprised if you won this.

Skinner Very nice. Short, sweet and to the point. Some good humore mixed in here and I really think you've got a hold of your character quite well at this point. I really have no complaints as this was executed beautifully, well done.

Saboteur First complaint is your name is really tricky to spell. That is basically all as far as complaints go. Fantastic RP, much in the Action Saxton mold of it being revolved all around a far fetched scene with a little bit about a wrestling match thrown in. Extremely entertaining and actually suspenseful at one point. I'd say this is not only one of the best RPs of the match, but of the entire round.

Black Dragon First off let me say I don't think you've hurt the integrity of your character or story or any of that by deciding to enter the match. It's pro wrestling and almost anything can be rationalized, even if it doesn't seem to make sense, especially by a writer as talented as your self. This is actually one of the better pieces of work I've read from you. Not only was it elegantly written and all that jazz, but it was actually an pretty easy read as well, which is saying something. With each passing week I become more and more intriguied by the history of your character and his goals and mission and all that. Very good stuff here, to say the least.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Phatso: Admittedly, I haven't seen any of your work in some time. That being said...you've gotten A LOT better. I mean, jeez oh pete.

But you wanted feedback from the perspective of the originator of hardcore, so here it goes...take it with a grain of salt and that I'm not totally sure about the evolution of your character.

1) I just was not sold at all on the dialogue between Bowen and the doctor. What doctor watches professional wrestling, particularly doctors that sew people's faces back on them? If this is a recurring character, I apologize. I didn't think it was since he was not initially introduced by name. But, I don't go to the doctor and talk about how I deadlift 500 lbs and how I've got a bodybuilding show coming up. Why? Because he's a doctor. Doctors do not care about bodybuilding, nor do they know the specific kind of hardcore match that their patients have at the upcoming PPV event. That's just my take. My reality was not being suspended.

2) While you should have a certain level of masochism instilled within yourself to be Mayhem Champion, there's more to being the Mayhem Champion than being a human pin cushion. I would have liked to hear more about the destruction that you've dished out and MUCH less about how much you've fucked up your body. Made you sound kind of like Necro from CZW...which in my limited experience with CZW...is only over because he will fuck the shit out of himself. That's not storytelling...that's shock TV. And when that happens, you eventually run out of shit to be able to do. So, the masochism has its place...just make sure you are doing it within the realm of telling a great story.

You set up the scene so much better than you used to. Like...I can't get over how much you've evolved since you were the Juggalo sidekick of Milenko. I'm glad to see that you are coming into your own, and it makes me proud that you have stuck with it over the years.

Don't be afraid to let a little of yourself come into the character and set the flow. That's where a truly emotional and gripping RP comes from. Hook the reader with suspense and write in a way that you are damn proud of what you are submitting. I always say to RP with a purpose other than winning and trying to win over the creative team. Write to have a good feud...that's just going to put both you and your opponent over. I mean, obviously, RP to win...but I think you know what I mean.


Take it with a grain of salt, but I hope this perspective has been helpful.

 

[gd]

Cruz I went ahead and decided to FB this even though it was in the random RP, hope I'm not being too intrustive (that's what he said). Anyway, this is a nice simple look at Sean Cruz and what's going on with him and where he currently stands, which can be good at times. Not sure if Paradyse actually is coming back, but if he is, I believe that'd definitely be the best case for both of you. Only gripe with this is the way there was no spaces between the commas. After awhile,it became quite annoying,as in this sentence here. Other than that, fine work and you really should've considered just throwing this in the battle royal thread as you really have nothing to lose.

Barbosa Typical good stuff from you here. Obviously you know your character extremely well and manage to display that everytime out. Especially liked the bits about the finisher strategy against Toyota and the Hunter S. Kravinoff memorial cup. As Harthran already said, dragged a bit at some points, but nothing too awful. Fine work though, as always.

Big Dave Quite an interesting way to go here. Not really sure how I felt about this one. The way you addressed the whole kayfabe thing seemed like quite a bold choice. Breaking down the fourth (or is it fifth? I haven't a clue) just really didn't go over well with me for some reason. I get that Kravinoff has to be written off and this certainly was a creative way to do so (loved the bleached blonde hair bit by the way), but you seem to have put much more of you focus and energy into that side of it rather than to the upcoming match at hand. Also, the thing with the nephew's camcorder was a bit anticlimactic for me. I would've preferred something where you cleverly got Kravinoff to slip up while he was on trial, or something like that. Aside from that, this was written rather well and certainly didn't lack in the entertainment factor. Interesting to see you this will be viewed by others, as some are sure to love it while some will loathe it.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Numbers: You've also come a long way from whatever the hell your Mysterio character was called. You did not describe the shit out of the setting like you used to. Holy crap. You used to describe the pattern of the wallpaper and the temperature of the room. It was turrible. You got to the dialogue here much quicker. That being said:

1) Way too damn long. I have ADD, so my attention span is minimal. I've always disliked long RPs, so take this for what it's worth. I just noticed that I was in the middle of the RP and I scrolled down to see how much longer it was going to go. I think a lot of the meat of your RP was redundant and could have been condensed considerably, but that's just my opinion.

2) The ending was great. I would not change that at all. I could really feel like this match was infinitely more about Kayley for Austin than it was about gaining the World Title and breaking Ty's streak, which ultimately may be what's needed for the streak to end.

I really like emotional places you go with Austin...I would just try to condense the shit out of the dialogue. Much improved from the old days, sir.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

S.H.I.T.

First off, I love the character. Very innovative... the RP, however, not so much. One of the biggest no-no's in creating an RP is randomly having females such as Stacey Madison and Becky Serra getting hit on. Depending on the severity, you may get the match loss. So in the future, don't hit on the interviewers. Speaking about hitting, another no-no is attacking NPC's. Yes, it was done for comedic effect and it did get a laugh out of me but unless you've asking permission, then attacking someone gives the same impression as flirting does.

Otherwise, the entire RP was pretty solid. When I read the RP, I can imagine S.H.I.T. to be an actual robot by the choice of vocabulary. Good promo... just no more flirting or NPC attacking.


Chris K.O.

This RP reminds me of the old school noir one's I did. Absolutely adoring the description you're using... just gives the notion that we, as a reader, are actually there. The new character change has obviously given you something excellent to work with because this RP is one I'd use if I was actually going against Everest or leading up to a match against Everest at Apocalypse. Whilst I didn't understand the end bit with the second voice and the static but I'm sure you'll explain in time.

Only thing I found a little off in the RP was how instantaneously it was several hours later after watching the one video tape. I had to re-adjust and re-read that bit again to get back into the scene. Awesome RP though.


Jack Skinner

You've not only gotten your character perfected but Leon's as well. Always nice to see people understand how to write as someone else. This RP was quite solid in getting your character across to the audience and being quite comedic. Nothing really much I can critique your RP on here. I've re-read it multiple times to find a flaw and dis-regarding grammar, I couldn't find anything. Reason why I say "dis-regarding grammar" because I'm not very good when it comes to advanced English grammar.


Saboteur

I love Saboteur's fun character. He's so childish yet so loveable! Good idea for a face character and it really shines throughout this RP, especially during the unnecessary shark jump. Sure, I understand it builds on your character being a fearless person and whatnot but that did absolutely nothing for the RP. It like what filler is for anime shows... it's there for comedic purposes and closing the gaps but not really all that important. There were other ways to incorporate the shark jump and still make it important (i.e. being interviewed whilst on the Wave Cannon, or talking to the camera on the Wave Cannon as if it were an ad).


Black Dragon

The idea that every Black Dragon RP is written as a book goes well with the idea that BD is very hard to contact/locate in our federation. It's almost as if he isn't real... anyway, I loved the RP. Gives a lot of insight into the background of BD and builds quite a lot of depth in your character, something a Dark match is useful for. I was emotionally invested in your story, especially concerning the girl in the RP. I could feel the connection you two had. Well done.

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

MMSoldier: You're a tag champ, so you have to be doing something right. I just couldn't get into the RP for whatever reason.

1) Use font colors that fucking differentiate the text from regular text and other dialogue. I had to hold an investigation to figure out who was saying what, and then I just gave up.

2) Metaphor? If this is a regular thing, then I apologize for not being on top of it, but it took me forever to figure out what was going on. I was so confused.

I just couldn't really figure out the flow of the story, man. I had to read it twice, and I didn't even make it through the second time reading it. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I just didn't understand what was going on the whole time.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Red Mask/Titus

Just before we start, I was a little confused with the first line:

"We're backstage with Leon Kensworth who's stood outside, it is dark but it is rather calm as though Keystone City is just a bit too quiet"​

Are we backstage or are we outside in the place known as Keystone City? I'm going with that we are in KC. Got a little confused there.

There was something about the RP that didn't click with me here. I enjoyed the interaction you had with Leon throughout the start of the RP, good conversation all round. However, the second half when Titus became Red Mask to save KC once more, it did absolutely nothing for me. To me, it was an addition to the RP just to show that you are Red Mask. I can see you might have tried to tie in the fact that the Mask hides all expressions in that last scene but I feel as if you nailed that piece of information when talking to Leon. You didn't need to re-enforce it.

Good RP.


Baez

I've always found your RP's to be quite humourous on a weird level and I enjoy that, especially in a heel character. Pretty good RP I must say as it allows enough time to talk about your opponent and why you are facing him. There are a couple of bits I found a little... off but all in all, you covered everything you needed to cover, Baez-style. I don't think I have anything to complain about here, you've done good this week.


Barbosa

I have no idea how to respond to this RP feedback-wise. I love the characters Barbosa and how he interacts with normal situations, as well as other people figuring him out and how to converse with Barbosas... always amusing and informative but there is something about this RP I can't put my tongue on. I don't what that is, maybe something to do with Myles being the interviewer or maybe because there wasn't anything special about this RP but something is making me not like it. I have no idea why and I can't pinpoint it... so, the only criticism I can give you besides your excellent character work is maybe define the situation more? Idk...


Wasabi Toyota

Oooo... nudity. Awesome!

Other than that, I liked this RP alot. You've gotten all the characters down-pact, your writing is fluent and flowing, the humour is genuine... pretty good for the most part. Only thing I have to complain about is the fact that in the middle of the RP you have a lack of transition into speaking about the match. Not really a criticism as it's more of a persona thing. I hate things that don't transition well, it's very nit-picky of me. Solid RP, where you don't have to fear about nudity considering it's apart of your character. Good job.


Steamboat Ricky

Welcome back, commander.

For the first RP back, you haven't shown a sign of ring rust. The descriptive language is very drawing to the readers eyes, the dialogue is quite good and the character of Ricky is still well and truly alive. Seems like only yesterday that you were still RPing... and with quality, mmmm... nostalgia aside, you've addressed the situation quite appropriately and I've enjoyed every part of this RP. The jokes, the references, the specific wording to align with your character... all good wholesome fun.


Mr. Baller

You've done quite well to combat legends like Everest and Ricky, well done. I must say, you have taken it up a notch for the PPV as well as going against Ricky in a match where he is able to respond back ... the only thing I feel that has hindered your RP is that you've got two rolled into one. Both ideas are executed perfectly but to have both in the same RP I felt wasn't necessary. If you did the Becky interview solely, would have been great. Went with the retirement idea, even better. The two together... kind of loses its machismo. However, it is still quite the RP you've created and I enjoyed it.

 

[NSL]

Wasabi Toyota - This was a avery solid RP. I've never read anything on your character, and this gave good insight into his personality, as well as his past, present, and future, without being boringly long. Boringly is a word, right? Basically - Good work.

Steven Kurtesy - There's not much I can say here, that I didn't say to GD. This is long enough, without being too long, and covers all the necessary angles. It's been a long time since I read anything of your's, and there's vast improvement. (And leagues of improvement, since you killed someone)

 

[Miko]

Blade: Apart from the fact that I think this would've worked better without Becky, say if you'd just had Blade, the kidnap victim and a hand held camera, I think that would've worked really well, outside of the porno set up anyway. It was good, you got over Blade's cunning and nastiness well enough and put over the match too.

Scott Hammond: Aaah the old press conference, good question and answer stuff here, I liked the showdown with Blade at the end as well, gave it more of a competitive big fight feel, a more sort of realistic feel and for me that’s not at all a bad thing.

Alex Bowen: You sold the injuries well, you showed what a nutter your character is, it was good all in all. I don’t think you spent enough time addressing your challenger though, one Action Saxton, instead choosing to talk about how fucked up your body gets, it's obvious that your character is hardcore through and through, a good read.

Steamboat Ricky: Good stuff here, and pretty amusing, nice way to return with the Pirate Flag and all that, just the right mix of comedy and seriousness and the fact that the serious parts were delivered on a boat with a pirate dressed up as an interviewer just made it all the better.

Mr Baller: Nice heel stuff, delivered well, I liked the retirement home scene, reminded me of the good old days when skits like that were prevalent in wrestling. Good RP. I feel you tackled the subject of the returning Ricky and the problem of Everest as the ref splendidly.

Steven Holmes: Going over the top and drooling in front of a state athletics commission was a good touch, quite amusing, you told the feud really well for a new reader although it might’ve dragged a bit for someone more familiar. I liked the idea that your trying to get the submission move that has beaten you banned, nice RP. Contrasting completely with your opponent.

Steven Kurtesy: Not much more I can say about this one, your character is interesting, a complete contrast to your opponents, I like the fact that Kurtesy still seems to be holding out for his old ally. It’s a more interesting take than “AHM GONNA SMASH YEEEUUUWW!!” anyway.

Off out now on the piss now, I’ll try and get the rest up tomorrow

 

[Miko]

Austin Reynolds: A pep talk theme going on here, Reynolds is down, and despite everything he's still going to get up and fight, you really put this over well. Not the kind of thing you'd expect from someone that calls himself the ratings winner, good stuff.

Ty Burna: You really know how to set a scene dont you you twisted man, I can see why your so successful, you really bring your characters to life, I like it.

Sam Smith: Interesting, a pill addiction, being told off by another wrestler, and collapsing at the end in the arms of your fiance, you covered Constantine and the match pretty well, and you've got plenty of material for your next RP as well. Not bad at all.

Red Mask: Not much I can say about this RP, like Falkon I thought the first half was stronger than the second, everything that needed to be covered was covered, the idea of wearing the mask to level the playing field was covered. However if your going with an overlapping theme of Red Mask trying to re earn the respect of the people he once protected, I'd say continue with that idea.

Baez: Strong stuff, enjoyable read, I noticed a spelling mistake or two but nothing particularly bad, it had a good comedy element in it and the dialogue I thought was great, especially after the table went over and you started addressing Red Mask and your position in the company.

The Forgotten Powers: It's obvious that you two are in sync with each other, however I didnt think the promos really, really worked until you started talking about retiring the belts and addressing Stantime, the rest was fun but those bits stood out for me.

Stantime: Love the dynamic between the two wrestlers, how longs Stan Rogers been wrestling? Good use of your own character here. Showtimes' segment was really good, and he put over Stan Rogers very well also, this is a very interesting match up for me.

Barbossa: I like the character, the conflict between them is shown well, I dont know what else to say really apart from the obvious thats already been covered, I will say that people rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically always gets a chuckle out of me. Nice work.

Big Dave: Oooh I hate breaking kayfabe, it was a good way to write Kravinoff out but I am not sure if this should've even been an RP, the whole thing with the video camera was seriously convenient, but I think we are all probably being worked anyway. It was well written however, I just think that the match and opponents deserved more time, but thats just me, and Kravinoff was a pressing matter that had to be dealt with.

Wasabi Toyota: Good use of nudity as usual, and it was well described. A fun read, and using a nudist colony to describe your opponents strengths and weaknesses was a touch of class, it also fits in with your character perfectly. Keep up the good work.

Ale: Cant say too much, the build up at the beggining was good, the joke at S.H.I.T's expense was suitably tasteless, Ale's focused.

Chris K.O Different way to go, but I liked it actually, its like I could hear rain beating down on the windows, well described. Chris K.O is a good character and nice and mysterious too.

Jack Skinner: Ha! Good, pretty funny, I like this and I like the character, and thought the way you addressed the opposition was done very nicely. Nice work.

Saboteur: Nice idea with the promotion, Saboteur is an out there character and this was a suitably out there RP. Cant complain, as I enjoyed it and it got a chuckle, well done.

Black Dragon: Pretty cool actually, an in depth RP, I dont know much about Dragon but despite the length not once did it drag. Very, very nice stuff.

 

[GI Cake]

Austin Reynolds:

I like this RP a lot, it's short, simple and provided all the information readers wanted to know about from the Aftermath from his match with Ty Burna. Once again you set the tone well with a soft romantic reunion with his future wife, Hayley. You also covered your bases when it came to talking down Jackson Williams. You catered to his gimmick and made up for his lack of history. Side tracking for a moment, did I just see a New breed reference? All I know Ricky Runn ain't no New Breed that's for sure! But well done Austin

However, I do think the slightly depressing attitude Reynolds has about his World Title hopes is not really something I like. The Reynolds I have read about wouldn't change gears and not go for something he came so closer to grabbing. But on the other hand it does leave him open to embark on a different journey.

Ricky's thoughts:

Awww man bro it's awesome to see Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds back together dude! But all that lovey dubby stuff aside I can't wait to see Reynolds do the river dance on Jackson's head. Good luck dude and thanks for coming to my party! I owe you one!