RP Feedback Thread

[a0161613]

Numbers' brief feedback:

Dave/Constantine: Didnt really understand the need to go so far away from the gimmick. Not been convinced by the Saviour as yet. The imagery didnt connect with me.

Barbosa: Whatever you are doing, keep it up. Maybe its because I have to read your Rps now but I've throughly enjoyed your last two RPs.

Bowen/Milenko: You did what you had to. They werent the best but debut's are always tough. Alex's formatting confused me at first and I think you need to be traditonal.

Toyota: Typically good but it's got to the point now where I really want to know about the character and his background etc.

Crock/Smith: Crock bant make me sad....knowing where you want to go, this makes sense and I really hope you follow through because I think your next RP has to be detailed and full of details and explaination.

Showtime: Almost too long for me to be kept interested as nothing revelatory was disclosed but put together with your typical polish.

 

[gd]

Dick Wilton:
- You don't really need to use the quotes if you're already using colors. Not really a big deal, just a personal thing.
- I actually thought this was probably your best work so far, at least from what I've seen of you. Seemed to be lacking a little focus though.
- A few grammar things really took away from what could've been an even better piece of work.
- Like I said, overall, not bad at all. You just need to hone in on what your character wants to be and take some time to look over you work. Best of luck, Dickie.

Kravinoff:
- Welcome back, big guy.
- Reaction between Leon and Hunter was beautiful and semi-akward, as always.
- I think Freud will be a great manager for Hunter. Seems like a pretty smart guy.
- The sexual tension was intense. This new aspect could lead to some wonderful moments in upcoming RPs.
- Liked the digs at some of the current roster.
- Fantastic as usual. This should be a winner, no doubt. Hopefully Kravinoff will be able to put together an extended run this time.

pedobearbarbosa:
- This was only the 1st of 2nd of yours I've read fully and it was surprisingly easy to follow three separate voices. Well done.
- Props to former tag team champion Anthony Michaels.
- The dynamic of the three personalities is really coming together nicely as to how each one of them plays out. Dynamite character, that's for sure.
- I know you haven't won many matches, but if you keep putting out stuff like this, you'll be winning plenty soon enough. This was one of the best in the entire thread.

Crock:
- Hey, what happened to you?
- Liked how you got to the roots of who your character is and what his gimmick is a bout. It's important, especially for a newer guy.
- Cliffhanger at the end didn't have me completely disinterested, which is a good thing.
- Not bad here. Short and sweet, but nothing that really stood out as incredible. You're getting a little better though.

The Dirty One
- This looked like a monster at first, but was an easy read.
- Like how you continue to show that you're one of the most well liked and popular wrestlers around, even hanging out with the Dark Lord that just beat you.
- Wrote Toyota very well, should've had Hammond say "mate" some more.
- Nice to see Max Karzai still getting work. He's pretty talented.
- As a whole, very, very nice. Gordito's title shot wasn't a one time thing. He'll be back there soon enough.

Reynolds:
- Always like the thought thing you do. It's unique, if nothing else.
- Nice reaction between Beckford and Reynolds, you're two really similar characters. I'd like to see some more between you guys down the road.
- Set your mindset very well, go kick that dirty politician's ass.
- Nice work overall. You should be in line for great things after a very nice title run.

Dr Stevie K:
- Way to place the world tag team titles on a pedestal, they deserve it.
- Not your best ever, but very solid nonetheless. This should net you a win against most.
- A little bit of corny comedy always amuses me.

William Regal :
- Once again, nice to see someone getting the the roots of who their character is. In your case, a rich bastard.
- I agree with what Coco said. A little choppy in places, but still worked out decently
- Like Falkon, way to show the world tag titles some respect.
- Also like Falkon, not your best work, but still decent enough. Unfortunately for you, don't think you'll be holding those titles for too long.

Jones:
- Can't say than any RP that causes a message from creative doesn't have an impact.
- It was a little too far over the top for me. What is this, the 3rd time you've beaten the shit out a random person? Use your words, mate.
- I still like you and actually think you should've won back your title at the PPV. Kepp pluggin' along and don't murder anymore innocent strangers.

Doug Crashin
- You don't do RPs.

 

[Dave]

Ferbian: Mayhem Champion, huh? Good on you!

That being said, this was a really decent RP. Of course, there are some spelling and grammar issues that could be worked on if you send your RP to someone before you post it. That way, you can get all of those out of the way and have a much more enjoyable RP. I sometimes forget that English is your second language, so spelling mistakes are easy to come by.

As for this RP, I actually enjoyed it. I have the tendency to go on for too long in my RP's and people get bored. However, this was right to the point and I like that. The plot is rather simple and you may have repeated yourself a few times. Nevertheless, it is a good RP and it should be good enough to keep your Championship, providing that Baller doesn't pull of a great RP.

EDIT: Since you were having trouble finding the mistakes, Ferb, I have decided to edit some of the in and put them in bold.

The camera goes on air in what looks like a fairly cosy and medium-sized New York bar. The camera spots a group of people sitting around a large round table. All of them seem to be drinking and having fun, apparently listening to some guy who's standing up with his back turned. Eventually the camera gets into a proper angle where the standing person can be identified as Ferbian. A lot of cheering can be heard as Ferbian utters.

And then I bashed his head in with the chair!

The crowd gathered around him cheers once again as Ferbian continues to talk for a little while.

And 1..2...3. And now you see me here, with this marvellous construction. The Mayhem championship. Not only did I beat 3 guys to win it, but I also pinned the champion decisively. How's that for a first time victory?

Ferbian claps the shoulder of the guy sitting next to him, who can now be identified as Marcus, who looks up at Ferbian with a smile.

I told you I would make a change didn't I? And you were too silly not to believe me. Well look at me now, I'm a champion. And come Ascension 24 I get to have my first title defence. What a glorious moment it will be, not only will I get the chance to show that I am indeed the man of the Mayhem division, prove to the fans that I'm here to stay, but I also get to revenge my All or Nothing loss against Mr. Baller. The very guy that stole my qualifying spot for Lethal Lottery.

 

[Coco]

Sam Smith

-I’m not sure I got a whole bunch from the intro with the priest, at least no more than I got from the rest of your promo. Considering how overused that device is at the moment, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see it used here.
-I find a eulogy to be an odd setting to make overt proclamations regarding your character. Whenever you’d break from talking singularly about the man in the box and espouse some of your own issues, I’d sort of cringe because your problems don’t really need to be expressed to those listening in this venue and they didn’t do a whole lot to inform Thomas’ experience for me or anyone else who was listening. I understand that you have to talk about yourself as this is your promo, but it didn’t ring true to the situation you threw yourself in. In a decent book, show, or film, one could talk about the person in the box while drawing subtle parallels with themself which don’t beat the issue to death. That would have been more appropriate but it’s also beyond the ability of you and just about everyone in the fed. So I guess I’m saying... if you can’t do it right, don’t do it.
-Two sentences about Hancock isn’t nearly enough considering the less than inspiring fare that the rest of the RP churned out. You’re giving Hancock a huge opportunity to take this one.

Bottom Line: The mechanics of your writing are good enough for our purposes and the direction your character is headed in has potential, but the situation you put yourself in didn’t lend itself to your promo.

Mark Hancock

-The return of people not knowing who they’re facing. I’m getting warm and fuzzy just reading that.
-I don’t know why Hancock is saying he’s stopping and staring into the distance. Unless that’s a formatting error. That would fit here.
-Your writing gets a little shaky at points but your ill-will towards Smith is hashed out solidly enough to give you a real shot this week (IMO, of course; I can’t speak for creative).

Bottom Line: Enough to get you a win.

 

[The Crock]

Thriller (Phoenix): I liked this RP, it was right to the point. An enjoyable read. I liked that I could really sense the frustration, the anger, Phoenix was going through. Slamming the chair down was a great little element to it as well, although my favorite part would have to have been the end. It was different. The RP ended at the beginning of the interview, I like it.

Numbers (Austin Reynolds): I enjoyed it. I noticed nothing wrong with it, aside from one little typo in the last sentence, but no big deal. I thought that you were really showing how focused on Showtime you were, and how consumed by it Reynolds was. It seems to be tearing at Reynolds, very interesting. I can see you winning your match.

AirVanDam (DK Wilton): Fairly well done, but I don't think it was enough to be Numbers. The whole "rant" thing wouldn't have scared Kensworth, the man's been beaten and kidnapped, a little yelling wouldn't make him shake. Not in the least bit.

Next batch coming up in a little bit.

 

[The Crock]

Dave (Constantine): Good stuff. I liked this idea from the beginning, very different. Not too many people using this kind of a setting for their RP. Constantine came off very heelish, nicely done. Definitely making his way up the charts in my book, very close to the top heel position. Can't say I didn't enjoy seeing my character in there as well.

Killjoy (Baez): I like the quirky humor you put into your RPs, very interesting. You wrote for the girl pretty well, made her seem fairly young. I liked the passion you exhibited at points during the RP. Well done.

Ty (Ty Burna): Excellent job. I loved the use of Serafina. I could see the scene in my head, it was that descriptive. You covered quite a few things in your RP, which is always a good thing. The intensity of Ty showed through, great job.

FalKon (Steven Kurtsey): I liked it. The setting was nice, I can really see this happening at a house show. The beginning was pretty interesting, you captured how wrestling fans really behave: they'll cheer you on one minute, the next they'll boo you. Good read.

 

[The Crock]

Leeds Guy (Beckford): Solid. I enjoyed the interaction with the fans, it was a nice change of pace. I liked that you got across the fact that you were EurAsian Champ, can't forget that.

Also, I'm not padding my post count LG asked for FB after I was done.

 

[Dave]

Mr. Baller: Not an altogether bad RP at all. The first part of the RP was really weird though. It was straight from the desk of circumlocution, if you ask me. The problem being that you mentioned the same thing over and over and over and over and over again. Now, I have used this technique from time to time to show how truly disgusted I was with a result or a piece of news. However, it happened throughout the RP. It was as if you had said all you wanted and needed to say in the first couple of lines and then tried to stretch it out for another few scenarios. That being said, I liked it. There was a few spelling mistakes in there but nothing too major that would put me off. You covered your opponent well and it flowed quite well. It'll be a close match between you and Ferbian.

Chris Jones: So much for patient-doctor confidentiality, huh?

Her brother knew you were a patient of hers? That seems a little odd. You certainly wouldn't get that treatment with Kurtesy. That being said, it was just a minor plot hole in an otherwise decent RP. It is a shame that you didn't know that Wunderbar was leaving, so that you could have focussed all of your energy in out-RPing a man who is still in the company. It's a shame but you needed to say something about that scenario anyway. It's a decent RP, I thought. You covered Lights a little but you could have been more intensive. Either way, it's good.

Jordan Lights: This may sound a little self-serving but have you ever read one of my RP's? This is not to say that I am better than you at all but what I will say is that I write an RP to ensure that people can follow every step that is taken in it's progression. The easiest way to do that is by adding a lot of description to your work. That way, people can easily follow what is going on and you are not leaving them guessing.

I liked this RP, believe it or not. I think that it was short and to the point. However, it seemed to jump around a little bit. There were times when you were addressing the camera and then other times when you were addressing Jones. Next time, try adding a little bit more description to help differentiate these parts. It was all crammed together in this one and that is the main failing of this RP. Something like:

Lights: Last week, I managed to best Jalapeno in a match that secured my qualification match against Chris Jones.

Lights turns away from the camera and takes a deep breath in, allowing the emotion to boil to the surface. With renewed conviction he turns back towards the camera before speaking once more.

Lights: Jones! You may already have qualified for the Lethal Lottery but you surely must realise that you are against a man who has nothing to lose and everything to gain from this match!?

To me, this would have helped the RP flow a little better and is perhaps something that you could work on in future, if you don't feel I am being too harsh. An otherwise good RP.

Sam Smith: Very generic name but not a generic RP. In fact, I really liked this one.

Coco pretty much tore into you with his feedback and I must agree with him for some of his issues. I thought it was really well-written and one of your best RP's. However, Coco does raise a good point that you might have been more subtle with the allusions to your character. That being said, it was a very minor flaw in the RP. Turning from heel to face in one RP can be pretty daunting and challenging but I feel that you have pulled it off well. The idea of a confession, whilst some may see it as being overdone, is the perfect situation for your character to play off of. It cleans the slate, so to speak, for him to turn face.

You could have talked about your opponent more but I don't think it will matter very much, to be honest. It is a good RP and perhaps enough to pull out the victory.

 

[ZeroVX]

The Crock: I was very impressed with this promo. You did a very good job in showing your character's emotions, making it seem very genuine. I'm interested in where your character is going to go. Nice work.

Leafy: I have to be honest, I was pretty underwhelmed by this one. It wasn't exactly bad, but there wasn't anything all that great about it either. It just seemed very generic. Not very good.

Super Dave: It's always a treat to read your character. You always manage to portray Constantine's arrogance excellently. Looking forward to more from his hunt for the EurAsian Championship. Nicely done.

The Killjoy: This one was alright. It stayed true to your character, which is obviously important. But other than that, nothing really stood out about this RP. It was just kind of there. Alright, for the most part.

 

[gd]

Cooper:
- I like how you made the High Society look good despite them not really doing anything. Well done.
- The conversation between Cooper and the doctor was a bit akward for some reason.
- Could've used a little more on Sherman, I'd say.
- Overall, decent enough. Not sure it's a winner though. You have the basic thing down, just gotta work on fleshing things out a bit more, getting creative and whatnot.

Sherman:
- Symbolism always tickles my fancy
- Liked how you looked at the positives of your beatdown last week.

I’m sure he will; I mean what Aussies don’t. Anyway, I thought you would be in a tag team match, you know, with that dancy Spanish guy.

Dad, he was mauled by a pack of rats on Meltdown Madness, didn’t you see?

- I chuckled.
- Liked the webshow since it establishes your character, especially important since you're newer. I feel like you could've broken the last chunk up a bit though.
- Overall, pretty enjoyable and I think enough for the win.

Constantine:
- Boston Reynolds. I get it.
- I feel like the first part wasn't really needed at all. Other than the sweet Boston Reynolds joke, it didn't really accomplish much.
- You got your colors mixed up a few times.
- Loved how you tore down that "miserable hag"
- Not your best stuff ever, but still quite good. SPT seem to be working nicely together.

Baez:
- Great font, as usual.
- Interaction with random girl was a little akward at times, but still pulled off just fine.
- I loved the overdramaticness of the girls situation.
- You're quite the optimist for a killjoy.
- Might've been a typo at the end that hurt a promising line about energy drink, but as a whole I enjoyed this. I'd call it a winner.

 

[The Encore]

John "Connie" Constantine: This RP was simply magnificent. And this is coming from a guy who doesn't sugar coat ANYTHING! I love the descriptiveness that you emphasized in on Constantine hell even right after he lost that match. It reminded me of how I lost my first match and I was in that same position because honestly I had doubts of even being a name in WZCW. It reminded me so much because it was that same feeling yet you took it to another level with your RP and executed it in the most perfect way. Congratulations I feel the losing streak is over. You've made your way into my Cream of the Crop once again. Also....losing streaks suck don't they

OVERALL: 10/10

 

[Барбоса]

John Constantine

Another fine outing. In many ways it was similar to my RP this round - a usually well-defined character experiencing different emotions

I might suggest that perhaps a heel Showtime would have shown disgust rather than fake understanding, especially as the SPT relationship has not yet been fully explained (maybe it is time for Showtime to repay John a bit more for winning him the Elite X Title?). Or if he did show such faux empathy then maybe he would flash Constantine a look of disgust after they have parted ways, a look that Constantine might notice but not have the heart to call him partner on his deception.

The only other thing that may be missing is a little more about your opponent and what you propose to do about him. Saying he is a challenge just doesn't seem like enough for me. Constantine could easily have mentioned some of Bomb's abilities only to then belittle them in a sort of "If Big Dave can beat the crap out of him, why can't I?" way to show that some of his usual arrogance is returning.

Aside from that, it was great. His past collisions and failure to deal with them are mentioned (EurAsian 5) as is his losing streak and his anguish regarding it.

The imagery and internal conflict continues to make Constantine one of the few characters who I do not have to force myself to read all the way through.

Brad Bomb

Formatting is fine aside from a couple of small issuses. Perhaps when you go to a new line in some places or change from speaking parts to action sequences, you should use a space between them. Personally, I just think...

BACKSTAGE at the arena for the upcoming WZCW Meltdown show.

We see Brad Bomb get out of a car that's just pulled up in car park. He's wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt, he's smiling and looks happy. However, as he catches a look at himself in reflection and sees the stitches on his head - a reminder of the chair attack Big Dave gave him two weeks ago, his smile drops for a moment as he scans his fingers over the stitches, he remembers where he's at - what he likes doing best. He grabs his gear bag from the boot of the car, he auto-locks the car as he walks off and heads through the backstage area of the arena.

As he's walking through the arena he sees Tucker Graham, his one-time tag partner at All Or Nothing Gives. He smiles as he sees him and gives a greeting as they clasped hands and hug each other briefly.

looks better than...

BACKSTAGE at the arena for the upcoming WZCW Meltdown show.
We see Brad Bomb get out of a car that's just pulled up in car park. He's wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt, he's smiling and looks happy. However, as he catches a look at himself in reflection and sees the stitches on his head - a reminder of the chair attack Big Dave gave him two weeks ago, his smile drops for a moment as he scans his fingers over the stitches, he remembers where he's at - what he likes doing best. He grabs his gear bag from the boot of the car, he auto-locks the car as he walks off and heads through the backstage area of the arena.
As he's walking through the arena he sees Tucker Graham, his one-time tag partner at All Or Nothing Gives. He smiles as he sees him and gives a greeting as they clasped hands and hug each other briefly.

Also with...

Bomb continues walking through the backstage of the arena, passing the drinks table, a few WZCW members of staff - giving up a nod and smiling at most of those he passes.
He stops and asks two people where the locker room, sharing a joke and a handshake with them. He then gets into the locker room. He throws his bag down and then takes a seat.
He lays his head in his hands, then he looks at up the ceiling and lets out a deep breath.
He gets up and goes over to the sink where he splashes himself in the face with some water.

I can see what you are trying to do here, zooming in on Bomb perhaps getting a little down and slumping into a repetitive rut with the same thing happening all the time but I think that for aesthetic purposes it needs to be broken up a bit more with spaces and sounds. I find it helps it flow better rather than a steady stream of actions.

Bomb continues walking through the backstage of the arena, passing the drinks table, a few WZCW members of staff - giving up a nod and smiling at most of those he passes.

He stops and asks two people where the locker room, sharing a joke and a handshake with them.

He then gets into the locker room.

He throws his bag down and then takes a seat.

He lays his head in his hands, then he looks at up the ceiling and lets out a deep breath.

*sigh*

He gets up and goes over to the sink where he splashes himself in the face with some water.

God, is it always going to be this repetitive?!?

Breaking up this way can better highlight how Bomb is perhaps tired and worn down not just from his overseas travels but from his lack of success and the beating he took from Big Dave.

Aside from that, I enjoyed this. You show good awareness and interaction with what else is going on in WZCW like the success of his fellow rookies and how Constantine's losing streak makes his propaganda seem all the more ridiculous and like he is the junior partner in SPT.

I especially liked the line about how Bomb has not been gone as long as it was stated on WZCW.com.

The anger at the end also contrasts well with the funk seen earlier. It could be seen as adding more depth to the character for perhaps his outward emotion is for show?

Good effort

 

[The Doctor]

Austin Reynolds

• Very well-written, as is expected.
  
  
• I enjoyed the setting and the little actions you did between the words. Gives one a break from the talking, splits it up into manageable pieces, and helps one visualize the promo better.
  
  
• I chuckled at the "I think he would take a gun to the ring if the company let him" line, knowing its origins.
  
  
• There is a line in there that didn't quite seem to fit where you put it - "It wasn’t a ground-breaking achievement but he would be foolish to deny that it was satisfying at last to hit back at them" - Was that a voiceover?
  
  
• It might be your character, but I think you downplayed Kravinoff's abilities too much. As Mick Foley once said, if your opponent is a nobody, it's not very impressive no matter the outcome of the match. If you win, so what? You just beat some crazy dude. If you lose, man you just got beaten by a loser.
  
  
• A good read all-in-all, but that above bullet point got to me near the end.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

DK Wilton: You're improving. I said it last time I gave you feedback, and I'll say it again. Your formatting has improved as has your spelling and punctuation. I must say I quite enjoyed the interaction between you and Stacey. This is a good foundation for future RP's between these two. If I had to give a criticism it would be that you're not being very original with your locations, but that's nothing major.

Sam Smith: Pretty good stuff here. I liked your use of the trash can full of weapons, I thought it was a nice touch. Sometimes short and to the point RP's are some of the best and this worked fine for what you were trying to get across. I think you should have talked about the previous weeks match, as you did qualify for Lethal Lottery.

Ferbian: Nice setting. The press conference works well with your gimmick and it came across well here. You've got a strong character and you've fleshed out most of it and it reads really well. This was an enjoyable read and I definitely see a good match between you and Smith.

Austin Reynolds: I liked how this was a rebuttal to the Showtime Power Trip with the setting. As always you show good formatting and strong skills when it comes to description etc...I think you did a good job trying to get into the mind of Kravinoff, but perhaps a little more focus on the Lethal Lottery event, and how you were going to deal with the Power Trip. Otherwise a good RP.

 

[newc868]

Barbosa - your RP was good this week and I like the 3 personalities - gives you a chance to work 3 different narratives almost and this building up of the 4th personality defiantly is interesting. One thing to note was the bold in the first half of the RP - for me it felt almost eye straining.
Other than that good work on building towards the PPV, you managed not to go over too much into talking about LL even though you're facing one of your opponents.

Constantine - there was I thinking I stood a chance this week Loved the RP. It was strong in every aspect, the lack of speech meant that the running inner monologue was very effective. It gave a deeper insight to the mind of the 'Power Trip' and what he's feeling/going on, it was different, I liked it and gives you good footing for Lethal Lottery.

Winters - It felt a little short but it delivered the point quickly and effectively. The addition of the waitress obviously helped move it along but showed a side of Winters that lets others see he is still learning. Decent RP and should see you into Lethal Lottery (your opponent hasn't RP'd either so another good factor).

James King - it was fairly short and I'm not too sure what kind of gimmick you have. You claimed mystery and strongman but all you had were dirt sheets on your competitors. There didn't seem to be any establishing of your character - just you talking about your opponents. However, I did like the way you broke down the opposition's characters. Good potential.

Dr Alhazred - It was interesting. Good character establishment and the gimmick looks interesting - however, the beating of a WZCW employee for no given explicit reason just seemed over the top and unnecessary. I would say other than that - but it made up a lot of the RP - it was a good RP and defiantly look forward to more.

 

[Coco]

DK Wilton

-Why are they crying? I'm not entirely sure how things go in the music industry. Based on what 30 Rock has taught me about entouages, this seems like a strange one.
-Why are you giving a big speech about the chains of oppression? Do entourages really care about that stuff?
-What happened to being a funny character? Admirable passion isn't funny. You know who else had admirable passion? Hitler! Boooooo!
-The part where you talk about preventing the usual suspects from winning... Remember that? Considering how much you harped on this point in the discussion thread, I expected it to be a little more fleshed out. Name names. Talk some proper trash. This should have been the meat of your RP. Leaving it undeveloped left your RP with little to no meat. Except for some crying. Which wasn't nearly as weighty and emotional as I'd been led to believe this RP would be.
-You're getting better at describing darkness. Keep doing that.
-Where is the sympathy you promised this promo would elicit? If that's what you're going for here, you dropped the ball. I see some guy going on about a win he never actually got, not appreciating the potential humor in that situation, not fleshing out the meat about why the favorites won't win this year, and not being sympathetic.
-After weeks of going on about how good this RP will be, I was disappointed.

Bottom Line: You're improving. Keep up the good work.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

DK Wilton: Once again you've improved with this. It's a solid effort with some good description, nice formatting and well done character development. I think that perhaps you could have talked more about overcoming the odds to get into the match and that you'll be able to do it once again in the Lottery. Overall I liked this as it had all the markings of a good RP and it delivered well. Nice job.

Alex Bowen: I liked that you went through several opponents in the Lottery and talked about your passion and things of that nature, it gave it a feel that you're committed 110% to winning the match. Points of this were repetitive however and I think you may need to self-edit a bit better. I don't think you'll win the match, but I do think that the passion you want to convey is here and I think it'll be reflected in a good showing.

 

[Coco]

Austin Reynolds – RP 1

-Good use of description early in the RP and fine use of the bossy nurse and her two nurse-ettes to update us on the condition of Dominic.
-Myles’ mindset isn’t particularly important to me right now. I’m reading a Reynolds RP and am more apt to care what he thinks. A moment of dialogue from Kensworth more or less explained what it is that Myles wants. Now let’s get to Reynolds’ mindset already. I have no problem with lengthy RPs, but I’d expect to have seen the leading man by now.
-Reynolds is out for revenge. Good. Just about what I expected there.
-The discussion with Hayley, which I reckon lasted about thirty seconds, contained the word “baby” four times and the word “darling” twice. I know my experiences with women aren’t the same as yours, but that strikes me as odd.
-Listening to someone’s mind’s eye in an RP has never been my favourite medium to get a message across, but okay. Let’s say it was. The message isn’t a strong one in my book. A bit of a recap of recent events as seen from the perspective of Reynolds, but very little about the present and where you’re headed now. You mention what this match with Constantine represents to you and how you will win the Lottery for Dominic, but then you cut it down short of the goal line.

Bottom Line: This wasn’t all it should have been. It was half an RP. I know you’re dealing with a unique situation where you have to RP twice, but I should feel like each RP is independently strong and can win the match you’ve submitted it for. I don’t get that feeling here. Knowing what a strong RPer you are, I expected better. Most of this is dry procedural stuff (the bits with the nurses, Myles, Hayley) that provides very little info about Reynolds’ mindset. That wouldn’t be so bad if it was offset with meaty exposition about your intentions for your upcoming match with Constantine, but it wasn’t. Instead, you opted to recap the past month’s events and only briefly mentioned what lies ahead. I hope you’ve got something better lined up for the Lottery.

Alex Bowen

-Fine intro but I could do without you mentioning time among your loved ones in the same sentence as your scars. It’s the little things, man.
-I like this stuff about mental anguish getting to you more than physical. Surprisingly well put together.
-Remember to check your stuff over a little more thoroughly for spelling errors.
-This is continuing to go rather well into the bit about how every man loses but you hold yourself to a higher standard. I’m feeling it.
-You’re not just a hardcore wrestler. You’re working towards more. Liking it. Liking it.
-Try not to use words like “again” and whatnot too many times in a single sentence. It doesn’t sound right.
-Coming for a piece of Everest. Nicely done.
-I like how you put the number twenty entrant on notice. Nice touch.
-I love how you aim to make Myles eat his words. Fine finish to a surprisingly well thought out RP.

Bottom Line: This was a strong piece of business. Just do some better editing in the future. Also get some other eyes on your work in the future to help with the editing. No other complaints then that.

 

[ABMorales787]

Red Skull/Dr. Alhazred

First time I read anything on this character and honestly, I was very impressed. The quirky humor reminds me a lot of my own character. The video game junkie gimmick is defiantly unique and the way you write out is terrific.The description was good, the dialogue was good, it was all good. Although you did write down Leon Kensworth calling the show Lethal Lockdown. I don't know if it was a typo or intended so I can't say much for it.

 

[Leeds Guy]

Lethal Lottery - Constantine
I really have no idea what your character is about. I thought he was a politician at first but now it appears he's a preacher with a church following, then again this is the first RP I’ve read from you in a few shows so perhaps I've missed the church integration into Constantine’s character.

I love how you took the time to actually write the book, its tremendous dedication to the character and a well put together back-story which is completely believable to the Constantine character. I also enjoying seeing the early years of Constantine and how it appears his father could be the reason behind his questionable ways in which he conducts himself these days. I loved the arrogance peeping in as he attended Yale and how he was already in the Constantine mindset we know and love before he even entered politics.

I enjoyed Constantine’s decision to enter WZCW. It's definitely in his character to make the decision like he did. Other people have been training their lives to get in WZCW while Constantine decided he could do it in less than a year, again arrogant but believable. The scene with Titus was great, as I didn't see that coming. I expected Constantine to go on about how he was better than Titus but to do it the way you did was absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed the mention of the 'EurAsian 5' it's good to see Constantine has not forgotten about them but as we enter back to the church I feel the last two chapters were not really needed. Everything up until Chapter 6 is fantastic and necessary to the understanding of Constantine but from then on it's everything we already know about him (with one or two bits added IE: Titus fund raiser) I feel this could have been done over the course of 3 or 4 RP's in the future (kind of like Constantine adding to the book as he goes along) as all in one it's a very long read that many people would perhaps not appreciate.

Overall: It's a very good RP. Great even. I just feel it's far longer than it could have been. You didn't need certain segments that are in the RP but it won’t take anything away from what is probably the best RP I’ve read in WZCW.

Lethal Lottery - Sam Smith
Scouting the lottery from last year is good, it shows Sam is preparing for it and keeping him up at night. I have to ask who the hell your talking to as it appears to me he stood up after watching the lottery and went on a massive rant to himself. Also who the hell gets a newspaper at 4.45AM?

Ahhhh you’re talking to the camera man who is actually acknowledged, good stuff. I liked how you spoke about the main contenders for the Lottery. I think they should be your main concern for somebody who is not considered to be a favourite. I like Sam using the house shows to scout the talent; it shows dedication to the cause. Ahhh I see what you've done here, you've made it out like a WZCW.com exclusive behind the scenes look at how wrestlers prepare for the match. I understand it now.

Overall: it's good albeit it a little confusing. I feel you could have done more to emphasise what it's like for somebody in your position (IE: fairly new to the roster) going into the biggest match of the year. It's very bland but that’s understandable when it's just one guy talking to a camera. Unfortunately I don't think it's enough to pull out a shock win however.


Crashin Movement (Steven Holmes) vs. Brothers in Arms
A wedding setting....intriguing. I love how you feel rejection over not being in the lottery. I think it's what most guys not in the WHC championship match are feeling. The RP is quite short but I have a feeling that Kurtesy will be adding more to this. As for Holmes' it does what it's there to do, it gets the general feeling about the BIA and sets up nicely for Kurtesys RP. Good stuff

Austin Reynolds vs. Constantine
Good place to start it, following on from the events of Ascension 25. The description of what the doctors and nurses are doing is very well done and I'm imagining this in an 'ER' episode style. It was good to see Chuck Myles worried about the implications of what was going on.

Leon Kensworthy??? I always thought it was Kensworth? Anyways that's not important.

It's good to see the understandable mindset that Austin is in and that he didn't care about work. Great emotion. I also enjoyed how Austin is blaming himself over what happened to Dom again great emotion which is making me sympathetic to the character. The bit with Austin speaking to Dom is very well written and very sad. Very emotional stuff here which you comes across great with the way you write it.

The bit towards the end with Austin's thoughts could have been trimmed a bit. With so much description throughout the RP this bit at the end felt longer than it needed to be.

Overall: very good stuff and looking forward to the second part.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Ferbian: Nice setting. Liked the interactions with the paramedic. This was short and pretty sweet as you addressed that this is all going to be about revenge for you. I also liked how you dismissed the idea that you'd underestimated your opponent. In terms of criticism, I think a mention about how you're not in the Lottery wouldn't have hurt and I think you could have talked about Kingdom Come coming up. Some good stuff here though.

Chris Jones: This one was a little weak I thought. I get that you were going for the whole corporate/Ferbian link but I think you could've executed this better. You could have drawn out the angle a little more, perhaps interacting with another corporate character. I also think you could've talked yourself up more in terms of your attack before the PPV. This was okay but I don't think it's enough to win.

 

[Coco]

Austin Reynolds – Lethal Lottery RP

-Strong opening. The insight given regarding Reynolds’ outlook for this huge match is very interesting and a great way to get things off and running.

- I like the bit about how SPT couldn’t take the Lottery win away from you. Makes it seem like winning would almost be karmic justice for what you’ve endured at their hands. The perfect way to overcome them once and for all.

-Good. Talk about Dominic, say how much you want to do this for him, but don’t beat the horse to death. Well played.

-You love unpredictability. Nice that you addressed that aspect of the match.

-I like the way you frame your journey as growth towards being able to win a big match like this, unlike KFAD last year.

-I like Reynolds’ confidence. He borders on arrogance when going on about what people expect of him while managing to humbly address how long his odds are. You walk a fine line very well here.

-I don’t think I agree that Ty hasn’t been tested as champion. The matches he’s had against Everest and Gordito really don’t reflect that statement. I’d imagine a face should be more receptive to the real competitive challenge those face vs. face matches provided.

Verdict: It’s a home run and a huge improvement on your last RP. Didn’t drag and covered all the right bases. I think you RPed better than Constantine in this match while Constantine RPed better than you for your one on one match. An interesting dynamic and I really look forward to seeing how that shakes out with creative.

Chris Beckford

-I like the opening. Painting the backdrop to your match at the Lottery is a nice idea. However, I feel you should have ended that half of the RP with the part about your match instead of once again bringing it back to the rest of the card. Bring the reader’s focus to you. It’s your RP, after all.

Beckford: He doesn't take it off...That's disgusting.

-Lulz.

-Very basic promo. You didn’t say a whole lot and I think you should have spent more time making the point that this is a huge match as the unknown men you’re facing could be the future of the company. I don’t think you took this as far as you should have.

Verdict: It’s fine, but it doesn’t go as far as I wish it had.

Barbosa

-I love how you open in the traditional poker room, which has been altered slightly, only to tell us nothing is changing. I think you’re trying to tell us something.

-Call me stupid, but I don’t think embracing catatonia is the key to a World Heavyweight Championship win. I agree with keeping Ty and Gordito off balance, but that’s crazy. Even by Barbosa standards. At least you have an excuse in place if you lose. One the positive side, yes, keeping people off balance is one of Barbosa’s strong suits and playing that card here isn’t a bad idea.

-Can Ty predict what Barbosa will do? CAN HE?!

-The manic continues to amuse.

However, instead of just accepting our word and the in-ring evidence for our inevitable victory, WZCW management has demanded that we explain why we are better that Ty Burna and Gordito in some protracted monologue or over the top simile.

-That’s why you’re already headlining and the rest of us are just dreaming about it.

-Luck is for losers. Barbosa dusting off some old tricks and making a good promo of it.

-I like the bit about Barbosa bucking the trend. It really speaks to his epic rise to the top, defying odds and conventional wisdom. Could he do it again at the Lottery?

-But what if it is HIM?! You just freaked my mind.

-You cut Ty down like a man. I dig it.

-She just wants a tip. Jesus.

-You’re doing to make Gordito cry. I dig that too.

Verdict: For some reason, I’ve had no doubt that a face will be walking into Kingdom Come with the belt. But this RP is of such high quality that I think you have a legit shot to prove me wrong. The perfect blend of humour and business. I haven’t seen what Ty and Gordito are serving up, but this is a World Heavyweight Championship winning RP in my book.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

LL feedback

Baez, I love the fact that you use items to describe your opponents. This is the first rp I've read of yours. So I'm kind of a little bit here and there with your rp's. At first I won't lie I was turned off by your font choice and went and read Big Daves rp again. But I finally gave it a shot and I was impressed. I can get a small laugh out of you rp while still seeing your character as a relevant threat. Your one of the few people that for some reason right now I can just envision your character even with the lack of a lot of description. Keep it up brother.

Constantine, Yes I've read your rp three times. THREE TIMES! Some might be thinking omfg wtf for. Because the monster in the spoiler was a read. I love the fact that it seems like in your description that you are controlling each and every person in the crowd. They are hanging on each word. That takes some talent dude, I've had tons of ideas to do a huge rp with a bunch of people in it. But I've probably scrapped like 20 ideas for it, because I can't figure out how to control the crowd. Your doing it in a great way. I like the story you tell in your spoiler. But I'm sorry for saying it, while it was put in with the people you were preaching to. It might be to long of a read for some people and put them off. It does fit in with the story that your telling in your regular rp.


Crock, I like the fact that eirly on in the rp that your portraying your character as worried. Lets be hones your not a huge fish in the pond. Not to many people putting you at odds with big dave or the other "top" Competition. So a bit of worry is needed and your putting it on in a good way. But while watching LL #2 your still saying that I can be as good if not better than Titus. I like the fact that you tell us that you watched the matches as a child and know that even though this is a big push if you win it. You still have to work up with the big boys to get to it. Also I wanna know what the ticket is for, or what its for. That's kind of a downer for me. You cut it to short dude! Keep it going, you had me eating from your hands sort of.

Alex, You covered your bases dude. I don't need to say more bro. Your my pic as of right now to win the LL. Coco's rp was up to par with yours. But I think in my mind you won it.

Coco, I'm not sure right now. I haven't figured out your character totally atm. Your a part dos equis guy and a part nut job to me right now. You seem like the dude who everyone wants to be. But your overdoing it trying to tell everyone about it. Fuck I’m not sure right now. I like that your claiming Wzcw to have an animal like hierarchy, going about the rodents first then hitting up on about the big fish. I haven't totally seen that one before, and your characters use of "big words" is somewhat great. It fits in totally with the character your trying to portray. All and all your trying to tell the wzcw fans that your the dominate alpha male. It came across very well, at first it seems like a huge boring read. But you had me keep reading and I got it in all in one setting. Very nice, I loved the ending.


Mayhem title

Ferbs, The only thing I'm going to gripe about on your rp is I can't get into the feeling of seeing you talking and doing it all . You need a bit more description, you have talking down bro. Just a bit more description is needed for you to go to the next level. When I'm reading people's rp I love to be able to feel as if I'm setting down the street or in your house watching it happen right then and there. I just couldn't get into it.

Chris, I like the fact that I can totally see your character being christian and being that serious. IF you would have used him as a rep with his long hair, I probably couldn't see him being that way. Good talking but just like ferbian you need better description!!!!! I could get into your rp better than Ferbian's but It still felt a bit choppy. I was the same way, trust me with time comes better description. BUT!!! Sometimes a lot of description isn't needed take a look at baez's rp for LL for a take of that. However your style and his is just way to far apart, for the style that your trying to sell to me you need more description.

I'm not sure who will win this match, both of your rp's are pretty even

 

[a0161613]

Hunter Kravinoff:

• Great imagery – a huge fan of your choice of words here.
• Well written – I would put you in among a select group of guys, whose simple writing ability will always give you a chance in any match against anyone.
• Setting – wasn’t horrible to see that Kravinoff can be put in a interview situation where he may not be most comfortable.
• Direction – As a negative, I would say that it was just a simple interview, albeit a very good one as stated. But nothing big happened, we saw a little character development but we haven’t been told a lot more than we do not already know about him and I would say that a PPV RP would be the ideal time to explore or reveal something about the character.

 

[gd]

Ferbian:

- Fade from black seems to be an overused phrase by everybody. Not really a criticism on you, just a thought.
- What table?
- Not bad, but not great. The thing is, there's no real glaring problems, but there's nothing that really makes it standout either. It's a bit generic. You could probably use a little more description and something to set it apart from just "this is how I feel about my opponent and this is what I'm going to do to him." Overall, decent effort. Not sure if it's going to be enough to retain. I'll get back to you after I read Jones'.

Chris Jones:

- I can't decide if I like you usual format or if I've grown tired of it.
- Way to hit him where it hurts right off the bat.
- A bit short, but not overly so.
- Overall, I really liked this. All of your attacks where right on point and you didn't try to kill anybody in this one. All in all, very nice work and I think enough to get you the win.