RP Feedback Thread

[Lee]

As promise here's feedback, if you were in the fed when I was I know your character inside out. If not I just know the basics. I'll try and say something good and bad about each one and at the end I'll say my favourite one.

Up first is the Lethal Lottery match itself.

DK Wilton

I very much like the humour in this showing DK as quite a deluded guy. As a whole though I think you rushed this one through. You had about three weeks to do it and it was up within 24 hours. The length and content isn't good enough to win this match, though would be a very good match on Meltdown.

Random question: Why was GnR playing in your commercial? Why not make a title up of one of your own songs?

Alex Bowen

I very much liked this RP, your description and way with words is one of the best there is. That being said it lost steam towards the end, it was great going through the history side of things for those who didn't know but it ended with being a case of “I'm going to beat this guy and this guy and who the hell is this guy” the sort of thing that is sadly very common in this sort of match.

Random annoyance: WZCW should be all in caps (you know it's a decent RP when that's all that bothers me)

Baez

Before we start off kudos in your choice of Bridge, very good. I also liked the obvious mocking of Showtimes Show and visually it was impressive, a different font and colour to what everyone else has done automatically makes an RP stand out. Content wise it was weird for me, I liked it and didn't at the same time. I liked what you had to say, some rather funny but it is just a glorified list of people in the LL.

Random annoyance: I hate the revolution will be televised slogan in any context, it's very over used.


Constantine

I dunno about the spoiler tags whether they should have been in or not. I know a few people have said they missed the spoilers out but leaving the tags but putting the content would make most people say I'm not effing reading that. Great content and it flowed pretty well. Not much else I can say for that.

Sam Smith

I already gave in PM

Austin Reynolds

I thought it was flawless until the I've been held back sentiments, it just didn't really fit with the rest of the RP for me. Not much else I can say on that

Random observation: I still don't know if I like the book style of description or not.


More to come

 

[Lee]

Justin Cooper

I liked this because it was different than most, just a simple stroll down a busy street showing how in your everyday life you still have the focus. That being said it was rather generic and short. I'm guessing you've had some beef with the Crashin movement before? If not I have no idea why the mention of them at the end.

Jordan Lights

I honestly can't comment on this as I have no idea what route your character has taken over the past few months. If you want feedback hook me up on MSN

Mr. Baller

One of the better ones I've seen from you. That being said I think I didn't get half of the references about random guys in the NBA. You have to remember that most of creative aren't tuned into American sports which in turn may make a few references go over their head. For me it had a bit too much fluff in it to be honest that you didn't need in that RP.

Phoenix

Content wise was decent I liked the that was the past this is now aspect of the promo. Only thing I could say would be to beef it out a bit more as it's automatically judged to be sub par before reading it.

Cory Allen, Everest and Tucker Graham

I'll do together. These RP's were amazing I couldn't possibly give you guys any feedback.

Still to come:
-Five of my seven favourite RPs of the LL: Big Dave, Blade, Hunter Kravinoff, Michael Winters, Showtime Cougar
-WZCW WHC
-Loser is number 1
-Tag Team Championship Match
-Mayhem
-Eurasian Open Challenge

 

[The Crock]

Ty Burna: At first, I thought Barbosa's RP would be nearly impossible to beat, well... you had arguably the best RP of the entire round and you should retain. I loved the opening shot, the mirrors and everything, I felt like I was there with you. Your imagery was excellent. Easily one of your best RPs I've read in a long time, and you really proved that Ty loves the title, it made him seem like a man that would do anything for the title. GREAT JOB!

FunKay: Fairly good. I'm enjoying the dynamic you're developing with Sandaza, it's quite interesting. The talk about the Tag Titles Match was a bit misplaced, a little rushed and it was a bit short. Aside from that, though, I really enjoyed it. Nicely done.

Dave: (Lethal Lottery) I've come to expect excellent RPs from you, so I obviously wasn't disappointed. One of the best RPs of the round, definitely close to the top of the pile. You're on of my picks to win or get really close in the LL match. You've solidified Constantine as one of the best with these kinds of RPs. VERY NICE.

(vs Reynolds) I think you did enough to win here, too. Your opening line, about brutality, I loved it. You incorporated the rest of us and that was really good, also it was pretty funny. I have to admit, even I laughed at you burying me.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Constantine (Singles): I've already given my thoughts via PM.

Constantine (LL): I'm going to say it right now. I dislike this idea for the character. I don't think it works as I personally tried to do something similar and it failed. I don't think this is the right direction for Constantine to go. The other complaint I have is length. While I have no doubt what you wrote in the spoilers was well written, I don't think it was necessary and I think you wasted several RP's worth of material in this one RP. It's well written and a nice construction, and whilst I feel you'll be #20, I don't think you'll win.

Austin Reynolds (Singles): It seemed rushed. It was well written and presented well, but it seemed, even from the minute you were talking about it beforehand, that you were rushing, despite the long deadline. I think that's obvious with little mistakes like 'Leon Kensworthy'. It's a solid piece but could have been done much better.

Austin Reynolds (LL): I really, really liked this RP. I thought this was a well written, well presented and well executed piece. The setting was excellent and the interview worked well in this scenario. I think you went through your opponents well and did a great job. This is the Lethal Lottery winning RP for my money right here.

 

[The Crock]

Phoenix: (vs Everest) I liked it, I certainly think you won't be number 1. I like that you didn't overlook Everest in this one and that although you focused on the Lottery, you gave him his due as well. Another good thing you did is that you made Big Dave seem very imposing. You said things like this:

He stands up from the bench to have the sunlight beaming from behind him, casting a huge dark shadow.

And it made him seem big and "scary", so to speak. Very well done.

(LL RP) Another good one. Dave's a loner, I take it? Very nice. The fact that Dave is so intent on focusing on his match that he's ignoring what goes on around him really shows how devoted he, as a character, is to winning the match. I really liked this one. Also, putting songs in your RP helped with set the mood. Great job.

Thesaurus: The thing that you're pretty good at is setting a scene up nicely, I gotta say, you did another nice job. Slowly but surely, with RPs like this, you're establishing yourself as a legitimate contender in WZCW. I enjoyed it, especially the things you did with the children. You might do pretty good in the LL Match.

Thriller: Short and sweet. I liked it. You're making it unpredictable, you never know with Phoenix do ya? You seem to know how to write pretty well for Kensworth, him and Phoenix go well together in RPs. Although I enjoyed it, I don't think you'll win the LL. You're certainly setting up an angle or something, though.

Numbers: (vs Constantine) It was a good RP, but I have Dave winning the match, especially because of Showtime almost certainly interfering. You don't really need the number 20 spot though, because your other RP is stellar. I liked the ending a lot, no better place than Madison Square Garden. One more thing I liked was that your RP was easy to read. I enjoyed it.

(LL RP) You set up your RP perfectly in the last one, this might be my favorite RP of yours I've read. You were planning for the match, that's always a plus. Setting the RP in MSG was a good choice because it really is the "Mecca" of sports and entertainment, just like you said. For your character it seemed pretty significant. Unless the STP screw you over in the match, you have a great shot.

Showtime: I was eating out of your hand during the RP. I loved it all. The press conference, everything... brilliant. You developed the angle with STP and Reynolds, something you needed to do. I thought that your use of interviewers was good, I enjoyed Stacey the most (Answer her calls, man!). Anyway, I liked the intensity you showed and you really got your emotion over to the reader. Nice job.

 

[Phoenix]

What's this? The Boss is giving feedback! Right on the good stuff, please note that none of my feedback plays a part in regards to your match outcomes, etc. These are my own opinions.

Lethal Lottery

DK Wilton: Despite being very eager to RP nice and early, this is actually your best RP to date and I am impressed. One of the problems I found with Wilton is how to find him interesting and this RP pulled me in. I think if you use this as an example, your growth and development will no doubt get noticed. Really well done.

Alex Bowen: First thing that stood out like a sore thumb was grammar. When reviewing this for scoring the Lottery, this majorly cost you a few points in my book. The RP itself was great, had some depth and texture, much like Wilton, was one of your best since coming back. But just the grammar really did bring it down for me. I suggest checking spelling using word or something before posting because this is going to affect your progress in my honest opinion.

Baez: I loved this outing, definitely been a fan of Baez of late. Had a nice bit of depth and flow to it, while usually covering all your opponents can drag on, this was far from that and it's something that's hard to do, extra kudos there. The bit that adds importance to this RP is that it can be read without using the spoiler tags, you don't miss anything vital just visual aid. A great outing here!

Constantine: Dave, firstly, I love you, so I want to get that clear here because I am going to be a bit critical here. The biggest criticism of your RP is that your depth is in the spoiler tags, now to me, spoiler tags indicate something that aids an RP but isn't an necessary thing to look at (see Baez), not to mention, the grey backdrop doesn't help the book segment at all, it doesn't help spring it to life. I know you put effort into this, but I just couldn't get into the book segment. Without, the RP works still ok, it can be read without it, but it didn't feel any different to what I've sen before. I can't put my finger on what's been going on with Constantine, I loved him as a politician but he really hasn't clicked since that gimmick change. A good outing and credit for effort, but some parts didn't work.

Sam Smith: I felt like I was watching a vlog, which is nothing to feel bad about as I like and do vlogs, it had a nice flow and kept my interest. I wanted to know more and I think Smith is starting to go into a good direction. I liked the fact you used the previous Lottery to aid the RP, a good insight and definitely shows potential for your WZCW future.

Austin Reynolds: Bit like how I went with the significance of the Lottery is entwined with history, you made a great use out of MSG to give that understanding and importance of this match. The RP gives its usual Reynolds flow and I did like this number here. There's a reason why you're a top RPer and you kept it consistent.

Hunter Kravinoff: Solid outing, but after the outings against Dave and Reynolds, it felt like we've seen this before. The bit that at least gave something new was not having Freud there as I know he plays importance to your character, this shows flexibility. The fact it went on simple terms of an interview added and subtracted from the RP, it was showing keeping basic can be great, but as said, it's been done before.

More to come later, just had to stop for a bit as something popped up!

 

[The Crock]

Newc: Not bad, but I think Alhazred was the best of the challengers. I didn't like the beginning of the RP. You were thinking about making a memory, in-match? I don't think that'd be on your mind. I'm pretty sure you'd be focused on kicking ass, but ok... It was also a bit bland. Sorry, not my favorite RP you've done.

Leeds Guy: YOU WILL RETAIN. You made it clear that you were confident, and you should be. Your banter back and forth with Kensworth made it entertaining, it was a real-life setting, which I was happy to see. Nicely done.

The Encore: I said I wouldn't be critical... but I didn't like it at all. It was kind of quick and short, not much substance. The commercial was cool I guess, but... your character didn't do it for me. Aside from a few lines you didn't focus on the match, at all really. You need to focus on your opponents, plain and simple.

GD: New Tag Champs, baby! I thought you had an excellent RP. The thought of Toyota lying in the bushes trying not to be noticed... oh the humor. It was very different, not a normal RP by any means, I really LOVED it. You're a very good RPer for a tag team, you have a great dynamic developed between Hammond and Toyota. Great job, GD.

Baller: That was pretty bizarre, not a bad thing though. Your guy certainly has a temper, yelling at the poor hotel manager like that, shame on you. Good to see you getting some character development in there. Now, it wasn't great, but it was good. You won't win the Lottery, but then again you won't try to pin people so it is an improvement.

 

[The Crock]

Coco: For a bit there I noticed a distinct lack of Sigmund Freud, but you pulled through. This RP is incontrovertible proof that Hunter Kravinoff is a major player in WZCW. I loved the not so subtle references to nature throughout the RP, especially while talking about the "food chain" of WZCW. Kravinoff seems to be developing into a more complex character every single RP. At first he is about as manly as it gets, then he giggles like a giddy little school girl, I just never know what to expect with Kravinoff... well, aside from some good entertainment. Excellent job. One question though, how does Psychoanalysis lead you to believe that you're the favorite to win?

 

[ABMorales787]

The Encore/DK Wilton:

Failing to address anything but yourself. That's a heavy no-no. You're trying to show why you're better than the rest. Comparison in your ticket to that. You in a random commercial is not a comparison. There isn't even a single other wrestler named or addressed here.

Verdict: Warlord/Miz treatment

Uncle Phatso/Alex Bowen:

Grammar says a lot. Watch it next time, it could cost you judgment points because you may fail to get your point across correctly. Other than that, there really isn't much to expand. Everest was the only guy mentioned here over some backstage skit with Myles. Not much to go with.

Verdict: Relative unknown who lasts awhile, but the camera doesn't catch the elimination.

Dave/Constantine:

First off, GOOD GOD! I didn't finish reading the book. Where the hell did you get the drive to write that?! That aside, the RP was great. Reading it, I had the odd mental picture of Triple H in a bishop robe on the balcony of The Vatican preaching. I guess it worked. Even if it is one weird-ass visual.

Verdict: Final 6

The Crock/Sam Smith

I really liked how you dictate the cameraman's direction and how casual you made the segment sound. Realism is really something hard to find here as most of the time the guys here aim to be more impressionistic. Your character has a natural feel around the camera. That's always something good.

Verdict: Breakthrough performance

Numbers/Austin Reynolds

You placed yourself in a big match setting to set yourself up for a big match. Then you showed anger and frustration. That's how most babyfaces act. Ergo, Austin is doing his job right. The RP picks up where the one for your one-on-one match with Constantine ended, which I thing was a nice touch.

Verdict: Final 6

Coco/Kravinoff

I really liked this one. It's a bit of a weird setting, but it takes advantage of a real life event. I do tend to prefer the "wildman" stuff over the "Freudian" stuff. I guess it's just cause I'm not much of a diplomat. Or something. But you got the point across firmly and addressed most of the people in the match.

Verdict: Kane, 2001

 

[The Crock]

Killjoy: Your style is WAY different, I have to say... I like it. Baez is definitely heading in the right direction. This may be a token performance of his. I wouldn't be surprised if he does very well. It was a nice read, very enjoyable. Had a nice flow. Great job.

Blade: That was really cool. I liked the style. The whole dream thing is a great idea. I loved the minor little details like his "sly smile" and the bead of sweat rolling down his brow. You told a story, and a damn good one. Nice job.

 

[a0161613]

LG/Beckford

• I like your blurb preview. It’s good to see because you know that it works for you and are keeping it up.
• I can’t tell if its ignorance or arrogance that requires Beckford to find out and cut a promo on his opponents after finding out from an interviewer.
• Not sure on the orange description though

Phoenix/Big Dave

• Fantastically written as always, great structure and nailed the balance between dialogue and description.
• I like the journey that you take and combining it with the dialogue and description was very clever.

Baez

• Not gonna say too much as I saw this already. But it’s very good and I enjoyed this.

.

Bowen

• Love the description – probably the highlight here.
• The promo was a bit of a ramble, lacked a little bit of coherent structure, until the end anyway.
• It doesn’t affect you in any way for this show but I think Cory has let you down by not RPing.

FunKay/Holmes

• I like it but it lacks a little bit of depth. It seems to come off as a bit of banter between Holmes and his stuck up, delusional cronies. Sure, the gimmick is spot but there was no real attack on BiA and it lacks that substance.

Crock/Sam Smith

• I like that you tried to take on a journey.
• I like your writing style. Keep it up as it's going to hold you in good stead.
• I do want to see more of the character and the gimmick. You just turned face so you need to keep on building it.

 

[Lee]

Allright, like I said the next batch are my favourite RP's for the LL (with Reynolds and Constantine). I'll be more harsh on people here as you all already know you did a fanastic job.

Blade

I liked the idea behind it, something a bit different to wht was posted. It's not a great promi, it's not a bad promo, there were times (such as description) where it was masterful, other times it just didn't work for me (Ty and the grubby little fingers)

Hunter Krakinoff

Again not much I can say here, some people have mentioned that “it's just a simple interview” at the end of the day. Is that a bad thing? No it isn't, with too many people here and there in their Rps this round a nice simple one on one interview worked so well. I loved reading it and you could feel the emotion. That's always a bonus to me.

Big Dave

Another flawless RP, I loved pretty much everything about this. Can't think anything of fault with it. Great job.

Michael Winters

Wow I loved this RP I really did. There were a few things that annoyed me about this but it's me just being hars:
The children were excited for you to be teaching but when you start to teach they're rather unruly.
I didn't like the “how did you get my name in the bag” thing at the end, it felt like the ending of a terrible 1980s sitcom with canned laughter to me.
Like I said though I loved this RP it flowed well, you could see Winters really he's losing his focus, and sometimes in life the outside influence is needed to make you realise this. Great.

David “the daddy” Showtime Cougar

I gave you feedback on MSN, if you want me to add it in here just say. And congratulations

Still to come:
-WZCW WHC
-Loser is number 1
-Tag Team Championship Match
-Mayhem
-Eurasian Open Challenge

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Baez: Nice use of the images. This was well formatted and easy to follow, so points there. Good to see you talking about your one year anniversary in the fed. This was a very good RP. You analysed everything you needed to analyse and it came across well. My only problem is the 'Revolution Will Be Televised' thing. Not a fan of that. Otherwise good job.

Sam Smith: Bringing up the history of Lethal lottery, interesting. I like the idea that Smith is watching the previous Lottery, almost obsessing over his opportunity. This seems like it's a little more personal than other RP's you've done. I liked it. You'll have a solid outing, I have no doubt.

Hunter Kravinoff: Your description is always good and adds to the RP. I liked your use of Serra here, I thought she made for a good character to play Kravinoff off of. It's a very good RP that ticks all the boxes for this match and I think you're going to go far but I don't think it's enough for the win.

Justin Cooper: I'm actually a fan of this character. I have been ever since your contract battle royal. This was good for the most part, but it also a little off. Your focus shifted somewhat needlessly half way through from the Lottery, which should've had all of your attention, to the Crashin Movement, which was just odd.

Jordan Lights: This was odd. It was good, just a little mistimed. If you had done this RP after the Lottery, then I wouldn't have been too bothered, but you did this for the Lottery, and it just didn't work. It fell flat as you should have focused on what is arguably the biggest match of your career, instead of a steady character development RP. It was good, just at the wrong time.

Blade: I liked this one quite a lot. A really good idea for an RP and a very interesting situation. This was an intriguing RP where you seemed to fight off your personal demons as well as conquer the Lottery. Well written and well executed, I think this will take you far into the Lottery.

Big Dave: Interesting way to start, running down what Dave had been up to since we last saw him. It works well when trying to show that it's all about waiting for the Lottery for Dave. This is interesting because it's a heel talking about overcoming the odds, something you don't here very often and it worked well. The video helped set the mood in the second part and really this is overall a very solid RP. I would suggest that you should’ve talked about your previous experience and your appearance last year as part of the rWo.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Michael Winters: Nice job here. You set your ideas in motion very well, playing all of your characters off of each other well. You go deep to Winters character and talk about an opportunity in the Lottery. I have to criticise you on not talking as much about either the match or your opponents, but this was still well written and executed excellently.

Mr. Baller: One year on from possibly the funniest moment in the e-fed's history and you're actually a respected veteran, who'd of thunk it? Anyway, it was a decent effort here. I didn't understand points of it due to the basketball references (Thanks to Lee for clearing that one up) but some will and I'm sure they'll enjoy it. It wasn't the best here, but you should have a solid time in the match. Oh and nice use of the odds.

Phoenix: As always, short and to the point. Nice job here as you laid down just what was coming in the Lottery and for all those that oppose you in the coming year. I liked how you went about this one, but I get the feeling that you should have talked more about your opponents and what it would mean to main event Kingdom Come.

Showtime: From something short to something looooooong. I liked the idea of setting this up with the conference of sorts between the Showtime Powertrip & 'there people'. There's some strong development here between you and everyone else and this RP is justification as to why I thought you would win the Lottery pre-RPing . I still think you have a shot, undoubtedly, but I give the edge to Reynolds. In my opinion, you'll be one of the final two.

 

[M. Winters]

Kravinoff:
Likes:

• Love the current direction of Kravinoff.
• Your descriptive writing is impeccable.
• Mentioning of your previous encounters with Dave, Cougar and Blade add to your credibility after Kravinoff's long layoff.

Dislikes:

• Small gripe with the airport setting, I think being at your ranch could have added to your whole "nature" thing.

Smith:
Likes:

• Writing was very clear and concise, flowed nicely.
• I liked the vlog style of the RP. It was nice to see into Smith's life a bit.
• The brief recap on Titus' win was a nice way to show how it can elevate anyone, including you.

Dislikes:

• I didn't feel this really progressed your character in any way.
• It didn't really "feel" like anyone's RP if you get what I'm saying, I think you could have slapped this on to any character in the WCZW and it would have worked.

Reynolds:
Likes:

• Writing is superb as per usual.
• I like how you acknowledged that you'll have an uphill battle in the Lottery.
• Nice job touching on all the major players.

Dislikes:

• Can't really fault you on anything in this one, you covered all the bases and set yourself up well for a loss or a win.

Holmes:
Likes:

• Was a good way to add more credibility to you and Kurtsey's relationship. Having him as your best man and standing beside you on one of the more important day's of Holmes life shows you guys are not just a team but friends, I liked that.

Dislikes:

• You didn't really mention BiA at all, just sort of a passing comment that you would crush them.

 

[gd]

Sammy Smith

- The whole looking at past events things is always good. I should try it at some point.
- You sure like commas, dontchya?
- That is a terrible cliche.
- You also love the word "though".
- Not a huge fan of this overall. It isn't terrible, but isn't anything close to a winner either. You didn't really say a ton here and your writing style is a bit annyoing at times. Keep working at it though.

Numbers

- MSG...copycat
- I'm not sure, but your tenses may be out of whack. You could be switching between past and present, or something. Or I may just be crazy.
- One of Reynolds' lines wasn't as colorful as it could have been.
- Getting inside the mind of the interviewer, I like it.
- Solid stuff overall. Played to Reynolds' and his cockiness very well. However, it's missing a little something, not sure what. Don't think this'll be a winner.

Blade

-Already can tell this is going to be one of the most unique RPs of the entire match. Major plus
-The whole tone is so surreal and I love it.
- Love how the whole focus is around you not winning a title. Based on your talent, it's really nothing more than bad luck preventing you from having won one thus far.
- Fantastic stuff here. You've really been on a roll as of late with quality stuff each and every week. Not sure if you'll when the whole thing, but you most definitely will have a tremendous showing.

Phoenix - Big Dave

- Solid description, as always.
- Overall, a very high quality RP as always. Well written and put together and addresses what's needed to be addressed. However, I wouldn't consider it great. Like a lot of your previous RPs I've liked it, but didn't love it. I think the problem for me is that your character seems to be beyond a gimmick at this point. Sure, the loner/super serious guy thing is still there, but for me it seems like anyone with a lot of history in the fed could've the same RP as you and I wouldn't have known the difference. Like I said, it's still quite good and could very well be a winner, but I always feel as if there's a little something missing from your work.

Thesarus, Thriller, Barbosa, Dr. Alhazred, and Beckford coming shortly.

 

[gd]

Winters

- The thought bubble thing always seems to work well.
- The whole "going through all the opponents in the match" thing is something that hasn't been done much this year, it seems. I actually like it. You could've probably went through a few more people before Winters came up
- Tears in a RP are a plus for me. Big fan of the emotion.
- The last fire metaphor was a bit much for me.
- The ending and the fact that the priest's name is Dick Fournier both provided some solid humor for me.
- Very nice work here. Ever since you first couple of matches you haven't down much, but it's obvious that you can be one of the best RPers here when you want to be. I doubt you win the match, but a good showing is a given.

Phoenix - Thrillah

- Nothing much to speak about. Formatted well and commented on a few things, but too short and shallow to really mean much of anything for me. You've been in a bit of a rut, I think a major change for your character may be needed at this point.

Alhazred

- Loved the description. Well broken up, gives a great picture of your character and is easy to follow
- You're one of the few people other than Coco that's had me chuckling during an RP.
- You're
-Asian thing is noted for a potential future Toyota/Alhazred match.
- Brilliant stuff here. One of the funnier RPs I've read during my entire time in the thread. Really unique character that you seem to have a great grasp on. There are big things in your future, young man.

Beckford

- I like always like your comments on what it going on with the rest of the company, but I think it was a bit uneccesarry here.
- Not to sure about this one. Same kind of solid interview segment you're usually very good at, but this seemed a bit average to me. And you may have been underestimating your opponents. I actually think there's a great shot Alhazred brings home the title tonight.

 

[The Encore]

Malcom O' Neil:

Positives:
- I like the gimmick, and the writing wasn't all that bad.
- Great Idea with Malcom asking the seven year old about racism. I see a potential strong heel/ nation of domination esque thing here.
- I think that you & Action Saxton would be an interesting partnership or even a feud. You both should PM each other, and as he's a way more established member of the community, more so than me he could do wonders for you.

Negatives:
- Why are you called Malcom "Money" O Neil? I would have liked it better if you stayed more honest with the gimmick of being a black person fighting against the man and always pulling the racial card. You talk about money & what not, but then go into some rant about racism which made no sense to me once so ever.
- I didn't like the layout one bit. You don't really needs to center it. Try keeping it without a fixed alignment and just work with using bold, italics & different colors.
- Also the ending song/picture wasn't really needed.


All in all 6/10. You sir have a lot of potential, if you need a newer guy like myself who was pinned with the potential name tag, to read over your RP's and give you whatever advice I can, than I am more than happy to do so.

 

[Baller]

Armando Paradyse: A vignette promo, a good idea for a house show, its like i have seen it before. Really doing the same exact thing as your opponent is not a way to make yourself stand out and try to make the roster. The RP was ok, nothing spectacular, it was kind of weird though, you start flexing your muscles then you just start picking flowers. When you say something in spanish, you dont say in "english that means", you just repeat what you said but in english. It makes it flow a lot better. You have an interesting gimmick though which I like.

Expected Outcome: No contract for you.

 

[Disturbed]

Armando Paradyse
I am a rookie in the e-fed so I can't really give you advice. I thought it was pretty good though. I like your character and his gimmick. I think some will give you heat because of the video because it was the same thing I did and you posted second but for those of you who think this, he didn't steal it from me. We both thought of it at the same time. He just posted second so it looks like he copied when he didn't. I thought the RP was good. You introduced your character, and you even answered the question I asked you in my RP, which was really good. I liked how you talked in spanish too. Now the only, thing I would have changed is adding a little more to it. I would have, drawn "Armando Paradyse" in the sand or something. I don't really know what else to tell you because I liked it.

Action Saxton
I like your character and loved your RP. You got like a black Chuck Norris thing going on and I love it. You even used Ron Simmons as your sample wrestler, so I liked that and thought it fit your guys gimmick very well. I liked how he was going off in the airport and how he mumbled his real name untill finally he got pissed off and yelled it. I think with your skill of writing RPs that Action Saxton will go far in WZCW. I don't really see anything you did wrong. You introduced your character without coming out and introducing yourself. It was really good. Other guys in the fed have said that, Malcom O' Neil and Action Saxton would make for a good feud but if that happens, I am scared.


Dk Wilton
I thought that after all was said and done, your rp was pretty good. It focused directly on one point, with DK trying to figure out who he really is. I liked how you showed him thinking, laying down and looking in the mirror because that is where most people do there thinking about themselves. The interview was pretty good. I liked how you said the only Crashin movement will be them crashin to the canvas. That was good. The only thing I really didn't like was, there was no color. I thought it needed some color so it would look more interesting to read. Good Rp and good luck.

I forgot to provide feedback for Red Skull, so here you go.

To be honest, I didn't really care for it. Maybe because Doc's character, Action Saxton is sort of like this. He gets mad easily and goes off. He was getting mad at the air port like you were in the chinese restraunt. However, like Ryder said, I liked the fact it was in a chinese restraunt because that is original. Interviews usually don't happen in chinese restraunts. I also liked the name of the store. I wasn't really interested in it because of the lack of color, italics, and bold. It needs more in it to catch the reader's attention. When someone is talking, after there name you need to put, a : or a - to show the person is talking. For example when my character talks, this is what I would do.
Malcom O' Neil - Whatever the character says goes here.

Mr. Morality
Overall, I thought this was very good. It got to the point at the ending and summed everything up. I loved the spoiler tags and how you used what other people have posted in them, very creative. I didn't really understand the rp at first but then at the end, I understood it fully. It seemed a little mysterious, which was cool. The only thing I think you didn't do as Ryder pointed it out above, was talk about your opponet. So, next time just talk about your opponet a little bit. I can't wait to read your next one.

You will deffinately get a contract.

Funkay D. Wolfwood.
Overall, I thought it was good, so I don't really have any advice for you. I guess, you could make it in bold, or italics, or center it to make it look more professional but I can't really say anything because I am new. I thought it was a great read. It wasn't to long and it caught my attention. I liked how you started off with the ending of your last match and woke up in the hospital. Good stuff, keep it coming.

 

[LSN80]

Malcolm O'Neill- Im not sure if you're a heel or a face. You seemed to be a face upon first glance, but your interaction with the young boy left me wondering who you truly are. I felt slightly confused by this. However, I felt you character has definitive depth, and a great gimmick. I think you need to establish if youre a face, heel, or tweener, but I think you nailed it with the gimmick. I would certainly recommend you for the WZCW roster if you develop your character more. 7/10.

Armando Paradise: I feel the "ladies man" gimmick is played out. You will be able to certainly draw heat for your cockiness, which is certainly a plus for you. The RP is very good however, and I think you have a definitive plan and idea for where you are going with your gimmick. As I said before, you'll certainly draw heat because of your attitude, but I think the gimmick has been done before. Still, because of your excellent RP, I would recommend you to WZCW as well. 6/10.

 

[gd]

Malcom X:
- Not sure how I feel about centering everything. Just something different, I suppose.
- Good background and intro to your gimmick.
- You may have overused "prick" a bit. Could've always went with "mongrel" or some other fancy alternative.
- affected
- Middle part was very Constantinesque. I enjoyed it.
- Great stuff overall for a first RP. Not much to complain about. You introduced your character and entertained me greatly. Good work.

Armando:

- Formatting is a bit off, if you're going to center, center everything.
- Being ethnic is always good for some heat.
- Rico Suave was a terrible song. Not a criticism, just a comment.
- I feel like you spelled "gigilo" wrong. I'm not sure how to spell it though.
- Solid stuff overall. A few typos here and there but got the point across and gave us what you are all about. I'm guessing O'Neil will be the winner though.

Also, I think there is about a 60% chance that you two are the same person.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Malcom O'Neil

1. You have a great gimmick and can really go a long way with it. You can even bring the death of Martin Luther King jr into it and talk about he was shot down because he stood up for what he believed. Maybe Rosa Parks and Abraham Lincoln too.

2. As Encore did say in a previous post, the whole "money" thing is a bit strange. It did go with your back ground but does not really fit into your character. I know you were poor but it kinda drifts off out of your gimmick which is a man who is to put an end to all racism.

3. You call people "pricks" alot. Come up with another way to insult somebody.

4. I liked how you talked about your family and your two brothers in prison and the other dying in the streets. It's very interesting.

The Encore
Dude, overall your RP was great. I enjoyed reading it. I also read the RP you did in the Random Rp thread. So I knew what you were talking about in the begining of the thread with gordito. Great stuff there. It's great how your character is trying to find himself. One thing I dont know is if your character is a face or a heel. I would try to emphasize that. The format was kind of hard to read and understand. I went by the colors when I use to read them and Kensworth started with brown then went to blue the next line, as DK took the brown. Or in one line you forgot to color DK all together. Make sure you get that. Over all it was good and I enjoyed reading it.

Red Skull
I dont get your character at all but he seems like a lunatic and a comedian kind of role like mankind. I didnt really enjoy your RP because it was just hard to follow for me. I like where the interview takes place: the chinnese resteraunt. It's not everyday you see an interview like that. The best thing I liked about it was the end when Becky called Stacy and says "next time you're interviewing him" which was funny because she was all weirded out by them. Over all it wasnt the top RP ive read but it was clever.

Barbosa
I could not follow this. Was it the same person talking in blue and in red? I do like how you brought up the past match and was angry that Johnny Klamor said that he lost the match and what not. Overall it was very hard to understand and hard to follow.

The Doctor
I loved it. It was great how you just rambled on about the airport and yelling at random people. You really got into your character's head and made him your own. I read your RP twice and both times I had a picture in my head that you were Mr. T for some reason. Great idea to have him hate his real name Demetrius Smith, which I would hate too by the way. Back to the airport, I loved how you went from checking in to security to getting on the plane itself and then landing to find your manager. Maybe you could have went into details about why you were pissed when you heard you were facing Mr. Morality. Over all, I loved the way you went here. Your character is alot of fun and could be big. Great job.

The Gread Deku Lee
Well, I dont even know why but I loved your RP. It was short and simple and got straight to the point. That goes to show that RP's don't have to be six pages long to be great and you emphasized that to the fullest. Great job. Maybe you could have introduced yourself a little bit more and talk about your opponent, Action Saxton. Overall, it was great and I enjoyed reading your RP. Good work Lee.

FunKay D. Wolfwood
I love how you start it off with the end of your Lethal Lottery III match with the tag team championships. I'm new so I am guessing that Sandaza is your butler which is cool. I had a great image of what your RP looked like and that's a plus. Your character seems a little stuck up which is good if you're a heel. I like how your goal to get the tag team titles back at Kingdom Come. Overall I loved your RP and don't have anything negative to say about it. You brought in your opponent, championships, other characters, and basically told an amazing story. Good work on your RP.

The Killjoy
Very interesting RP you have here. It's funny because I read in the voice of Suicide and then I looked at your character page. Good work bringing up the past match you lost at Lethal Lottery III and also your past work at the sandwhich shop. I enjoyed it but it was not very entertaining and I found myself getting bored with it.

Who the other two at the end of the Lottery?

There is a an incomplete sentence here. Who were the other two at the. Also when you were talking about the cashier being a wrestler, you called him an "it". Don't do that. He is a person and not a thing. Overall I liked where you were going and what you had in it but I just found it boring.

The PowerTrip
Great RP. I love how you start out with the lions being dominant and put that into your story your talking about during your RP, which was very clever. One thing I did not like was Constantine's text color and Mia's text color were very similar and it made my eyes go all crazy when I tried to read it. Good comparison between lions and humans in nature. I liked how you talked about The Showtime Powertrip and The Crashin Movement as well as you talked about about your Lethal Lottery III match. At the end, I liked how you did the tour guide again and saying all that stuff about the lion. It really fit in to what you were just saying what was going to happen to Hunter Kravinoff. Overall it was a great RP that I enjoy reading. Great work Powertrip.

Low-ki
It was an ok RP. I was kind of bored reading it. It could not catch my attention and that's what makes a great RP. It did have some funny parts like when the waiter was hitting on you. Great work on bringing up past events and opponents. Also good job showing off your Tag Team Championship to the waiter. That's what a great champion should do; take his title everywhere he goes. I also liked how you brought your partners opponent for this week into your RP, that's very clever. You mentioned your opponent as well so that's a plus. Overall, you're RP could have been better but it is not the worst. It was short and to the point. Good job.

Doug Crashin
Very great work in you're RP. I liked how you talked about the new car and the way it's a secret to the public. I also loved how Jason called DK Wilton a jobber. Way to put down you're opponent and that also made you look stronger. The last two paragraphs have the same color but seem that they are spoken by different people. Make sure you don't do that. Also, great work bringing your past in with this when you were talking about Jordan lights and Wasabi Toyota. Overall, it was great and don't have anything else to say. Good work.

MMSoldier
I did not like it at all. It was very boring, bland, and not that entertaining. I do like where you started off in the cementary talking to your mother who passed away. I also liked how you brought in your opponent and his tag team partner who isnt even in your match. That could ignite a fued going into Kingdom Come III. Overall, it was not very good and I think you could have did alot better.

Rox
Great RP. It was funny and got your point across to who you are. To me, your character is gay but I'm sure that everyone else reading you're RP is thinking the same thing. One thing I did not like and I think it's the only the thing at that is your verbal was just weird when you told Alex and Nina to both "slob on it" and you called Lissa a ****. I just dont like reading crap like that. You did talk about your opponent, Julian Castle, and that's a plus. I was actually thinking that your character and my character would actually make a really funny comedy team. Overall, it was a great RP and I enjoyed reading it. Great job.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Action/Brian Saxton:

May I start off by saying SC DUB! SC DUB! SC DUB! Over-the-top hilarious gimmicks made serious. You had me laughing throughout the entire thing and was well written. Centering everything is something new here, but I'm sure people will get used to it. Although you didn't talk about your opponent, you did rant on other things and showed you can talk about the main focus, as well as you being here previously. One big criticism though:

Are you a face or a heel?​

I was generally confused during the entire thing because you were acting heelish in yelling at people, being pissed off, generally annoying to other people and self-obsessed. However, "face" female characters were almost falling head over heels for your character, something not shown in heel RP's. If you're going to be funny, go the face route. If you're going to be like FUCKING BAM MOTHERFUCKER!!!11!!!ONE!, then I suggest the heel route.

SUMMATION: It's an interesting character if you can keep up the RP's going and stay with us. If you can commit and pick a alignment, I'm inclined to support your contract signing. If you need help picking an alignment, I did some calculations and found out that there is an even number of people on both sides (with and without the developmental guys).




Armando Paradyse:

You've definitely got the character down-pact and the way of RPing as well. It was smooth read from start to finish and you got your point across. You followed the basic steps that within the start of your career will get you a head start. As you keep on RPing, developing your character and keeping up with the timeline will keep you staying on top. Couple of things though:

1) Put the description in black. It makes it distinguishable from the talking. I did get a bit confused when I was reading.

2) Put youtube video's in spoiler tags so the page loads quicker for those with slow internet and those who don't wish to view the video.

3) Instead of posting pictures of the location, describe it with words. It will earn a lot of bonus points when us creative guys are comparing RPs. Putting a photo means you aren't bothered to describe the environment, thus losing points.​

SUMMATION: You're new and got the basics down, which I like. The things that were wrong with the RP are small problems which can be easily overcome/avoided. I like your character and how you RP, so I'd give you a contract.




Mr. Morality:

You didn't mention me in the signs nor the "youtube videos?" Your score is now over NEGATIVE 9000!!!!! I won't bother posting the youtube remix of that, lol. Alright, let's take a proper look:

It was a nice simple RP to get your character across, someone who thinks he is humble and wants to help society, but for the wrong reasons. The idea has been done before (Constantine & myself) and there are a couple of "savior" gimmicks going around in the fed like Chris Jones, but it still works. I've never seen WZ Forums used as a link as we usually refer to it as WZCW Forums, but whatever. The spoiler tags are annoying, quotes would have sufficed instead... but they are videos so...

SUMMATION: I really don't know what to say. The idea behind the character is good and the RP introduced your character, but I got confused throughout the entire thing. It was a hard read honestly. I know you were the former head of creative and the mastermind behind the success of this place (including how to create an RP), but this... I don't know man. You might need to get into the swing of things before you get your step back. Personally, I'd see Action go over you in the house show and you get another shot in a contract battle royal next week or something.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Chris Beckford:

Ah... I can always count on you to put on a solid face RP every time you post one. Nothing over the top with how Beckford interacted with the fans, yet it exceeded simplicity with the segment with the boy's father. That segment could be taken as you promoting the company and trying to become the poster boy of sorts, or a possible heel turn in the future. However, I digress... it was a good RP and your opponent is going to need something big to topple you over.


Constantine:

I love the political character Dave. I'm a mark for Constantine... and it still has't changed after this recent RP. You used an extremely good setting and slowly weaved your point around to give Hunter a run for his money. He's been on fire and this RP might be the one to distinguish it. I've got nothing to say but really fine job there Mr. Constantine... except you had a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes in there and the end bit with the tour guide (i.e. the tour guide repeated himself I believe). Now, before you can respond to me, and Imma gonna let you finish... but Doug Crashin is the greatest political figure in the world!


DK Wilton:

You've improved since the last time I did proper feedback on you, and I'm liking the character right now. You've got the cocky heel persona going on that uses words/sentences that are not only serious, but makes people chuckle (if you get what I'm saying). I'm glad you've found yourself a tag team partner/veteran in Lights, he's a solid RPer... good catch. You've developed your character well and with him, you can develop into something more. If you can sync with him you'll be able to do wonders down the line in RPing. Keep up the good work man...

... oh, one more thing. You color-coded some of the people wrong in the RP. Double check that next time.