RP Feedback Thread | Page 47 | WrestleZone Forums

RP Feedback Thread

Blade: I liked this one, brother. You said in the Discussion Thread that you thought it was perhaps the best one you have ever done and maybe it is not far off of that standard. I personally have favourites out-with this one but it is a very good effort. The one thing that I felt could have been improved upon was the fact that you only had one paragraph about your opponent and the rest was about Blade's quest for a title. Now, maybe because you are on Creative, you know a little more than we do about how that situation is going to pan out and I am intrigued to see it but I would have loved to hear Blade's wry wit tear into Baez a little more.

That being said, it was a great RP and definitely one of your best. The critique that I have is just a short one and probably wont mean much in the long run. Very good effort.

Action Saxton: Whilst reading you RP, I couldn't help but think of a throwback character that spoke in smooth and silky tone and that is what really hits home for me. The way you write the character is flamboyant but controlled and that is what really needs to happen. It would be easy to get carried away with the flamboyant nature of your character and put him situations that are bigger than he is. Saxton is a huge character and I think it will work best if you just have performing the mundane tasks that make up a day. Like you have did with this RP, he is just flying. We have all done it and Saxton doing it too was a lot of fun. Humorous throughout, I love the way that you write. I got the jokes about the people wanting to “throw themselves at Saxton and I loved it.

The only qualm I have with the RP is that nothing is really said about Mr. Morality. You could have had the perfect foil for your character but instead you went for the one liner. That might have been smart but I would have loved to hear what Saxton had to say against someone who is the complete and polar opposite of himself. Either way, a great first RP that leaves me wanting more.

Armando Paradyse: Does a beach have a “floor”? Why is your music playing when you are walking on a beach? Why are you in Puerto Rico when you, yourself, state that you have a match that night? Those are the questions you need to answer when you are writing an RP. It is OK to make it flamboyant and over the top but only if you are actually going to follow it through to the end, like Doc has done with Action Saxton. Your character seems defined but I am wondering if it is a deep enough gimmick that you can actually run with it past 4 or 5 events. There are a few spelling mistakes that could be addressed but nothing too major.

Overall, it is a good effort for the first time you have RPed and I have certainly seen a lot worse. That being said, I think your character needs some work to add that little bit more aggression to his persona. Otherwise, you will literally be talking about woman every single RP and that is not nearly deep enough. Good effort though.

The Good Doctor Kurtesy: I liked this RP. It was simple and effective. It didn't blow my mind but you have done enough to make the match with Winters very competitive. I would have perhaps liked to have read a psychological breakdown of Winters. Perhaps of how he hides behind his need to help people because he is weak-minded and insecure of his own feelings and thoughts. That being said, I think you did a good enough job of breaking him down.

The RP likely means big things for Kurtesy. As was the case for Blade, you definitely know more than us about what is coming up and I would assume that you have done this RP to signal to everyone that you are ready to move out of the Tag division with the blessing of Creative and I like that idea. There are some people in the division that really deserve to be higher up on the food chain and if you are setting your goals on something else, I am on board.

A good RP that is capable of picking up the win.
 
Doug Crashin
  • Nice attempt at using description in the opener - Could be expanded a bit more, but it works.
  • The car bit felt like it was tacked on. If you were trying to show your gimmick, that's all well and good, but try and integrate it into the main point (the match) a little more. Not saying the car part was bad, it just felt very disjointed.
  • Eh, maybe it's just me, but I really don't like the use of the word "jobber", at all. Nothing wrong with saying you can beat your opponent, but I think the key to a good RP of this style is not saying your opponent is worse than you, but that you're better than them. Does that make sense?
  • The ending monologue wasn't bad.
  • Enjoyable enough read, though lots of room for improvement.

Constantine
  • The intro paragraph felt a little off to me. Maybe a rewrite would have helped it a little, or a different choice of words.
  • Constantine has been one of my favorite WZCW characters since he debuted, and this RP does nothing to change my opinion.
  • I love the dynamic you have between Constantine and Mia.
  • There's a run-on sentence that really disrupts the flow of the RP after "Wasn't it?!". I understand what you're trying to say, but it took me a few goes.
  • As usual, when Constantine starts ranting it's fun. I think you said that this was supposed to be a more humorous RP, right? If not, you succeeded anyway, because the speech here was amusing in the good way. Sort of ridiculous in a way that works with the character.
  • Doug Crashin shot at the end...niiiiice.
  • Overall, lots of fun. Not amazing, but quite good.
 
Action Saxton:

I really like your character dude. It's refreshing from all the seriousness going on around here. There really isn't much to say. You described your character pretty well, and you also did a master job at describing all your actions (no pun intended). Overall that was a masterful RP.


Mr. Morality:


This was a good intro RP. You utilized your character really well. I like where this is going. One major point I wanna make. Maybe it's just me but I personally enjoy RP's that talk about the match itself. Then again I realize people have different RP styles and so I'm not going to say anything more about that.
 
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Leeds Guy
Ok, first offl, I'd like to say that you have written the best RP I have ever read. It was entertaining, original, and very well written. I loved how you talked to so many people during it and all seemed very different characters. It was very easy on my eyes and made it great to read. I like how you went with the boys dad. That was a great moment. You also talked about your opponenet and listed possible contenders for the EurAsian Championship. Overall it was my favorite RP to date. Great job.

Numbers
Well, your RP did stand out because it was a blog and not you actually talking. Thats very origianl and I liked that. You mentioned the Lethal Lottery match and even your past matches and you debut. Great work dissing you opponent. You hit that out the park. I liked how you said you are gunning for David Cougar and his World Heavyweight Championship. Over all it was a good RP and I enjoyed reading it. Good work.

General Disarray
Good RP, a little longer than most but was decent. It tends to get a little boring in the middle though. You went to the smallest detail to get the reader to see what you seen as you were writing it and that's what makes a RP great. I liked how you had your tag team partner in on you're whole RP, instead of just a bit. You mentioned your opponent and that's great. Only thing I really say you should work on is making it entertaining throughout the whole RP instead of just the beginning. Overall, it was a good RP that could be shorter and more about your character.

Thesaurus
Great RP. I liked how at first you showed how you lost the match at Lethal Lottery. Then I like how the little boy noticed who you are and how you now have a date with his mom. My favourite part in the whole thing was:
Michael hesitates for a moment and then decides some company might do him some good.

Sure, company can do me some good.
Click to expand...
I died laughing when you said this. I love when you talked about your opponent and how you were going to basically kick his ass. Overall it was a great RP and very easy to follow. Great work.

Alex'eddytiger'Waters
Great RP for your character. It was different and original. When he was talking I was picturing a small kind of painful voice. I loved the direction where you went to it. You threatend your opponent without actually threatening him which was great. It was hard to read because of my eyes are kind of bad and alot of red words. Overall it was great and your RP really said what your character is about.

Jickie "FalKon" Mames
I liked where you went with this. How you said you were quiting the tag division but not the Crashin Movement because they are you're family. Great work there. Also, great work bringing your opponent without saying "oh my opponent is blah blah". Your girlfriend or whatever she is brings it up which is exellent to do. Overall, it was easy to read and very entertaining and also brought up your next move, which is single gold. Great work.

The Crock
At first, it was good then it just seemed to get boring for me. I did like the end when Vincent smashes into the table and you turn it around and say you have been through many tables in your day. Good idea to use something like that. You did mention your opponent at the end but it was only like one line. Overall it was a decent RP for me. I have seen better and worse.

Super Crazy
Short and simple RP you have there. I liked how you made tension between you and DK. You could have said something about your oppoenents at Ascension but it's ok. I don't really have anything else to say but great work with your RP. Overall it was good just not to exciting and a little too short.

Blade
Amazing RP! You had a few color misses and a few mis-spelled words but that's nothing. I loved how you started with the newspaper or magezine article. Also how the fan of Baez basically pissed you off so bad you were dertermined to beat him. I don't have anything else to say but a really great and amazing RP. Overall it was one of the best i've read.

ZeroVX
Good RP. It was very clever and had a few funny points in it. I liked when you talked to Alice at the begining and trying to get her to say something about the Mayhem Championship. I like how you introduced your opponents RP into yours. One thing I did not like was the fact that it seemed to go on and on and on. Just a bit bland and generic at some points. Overall it was a good RP that has a few rough points in it. Good work.

Ferbian
I enjoyed your RP alot actually. It was plain but not boring. Which is great. It seems like your character is basically just a normal person in the wrestling biz. I liked how it was just friends talking and Marcus trying to cheer you up and make you think outside the box. Great mention with Pheonix. I like the end when they made the bet double or nothing. Overall it was a great RP that was easy to read and easy to follow. Good work.

Corporate Coco
Good RP. At first it was a little boring because it nothing was going on but then when you asked for the match against Showtime I got interested. Great work on bringing in Flavor Flav into your RP. It was funny when Chuck Myles said that he was a D-list celebrity. I like the way you talked about your opponent. It was very clever. Only thing I have tos ay negitive is you could have went into better details at why you wanted the match between yourself and showtime. Overall it was a good RP with very constructive and an interesting conversation between the two.

Showtime
Very, very, very, long RP. It was long and boring. I could not get into it at all. It did have some good points but I could not get past how boring and plain it was. I did like how you went back and forth with the flashback stuff. That was a great idea. I like you're character and his cockiness. Overall, The RP was boring and I had to kill myself just to finish reading it. Sorry.

Ty Burna
I enjoyed your RP very much sir. It was pretty easy to read and kept me wanting more and more. I like how you brought your tag team partner into your RP and gave him a talking role. Great work there. I also like the tension between Big Dave and Ty Burna during this scene. You mention the WZCW World Title which you should because you earned the right to wear that belt because of your RP's. I like how you call yourself the King of Darkness, it was very clever and original. It also says that you are the top dog of WZCW. I like the mention with the Ouija board. Something that most wreslters don't use. Overall, it was a great RP and I enjoyed reading it. Good work.

Thriller
Amazing RP. I love the details you used at the begining to describe the house. I pictured it perfectly in my head. Great idea with using the house you grew up in as the place for your interview. I liked where you went with the trampoline and used it was a wrestling ring, as most of the wrestlers today, have wrestled on the trampoline when they were kids. Good work bringing in Lethal Lottery into your RP and describing how it felt to lose the match. Also did a great job mentioning your opponents match at the event as well. Great to use that against him. Overall it was a great RP and I really enjoyed reading it. I have nothing negative to say about it. Great Work.
 
Leeds Guy said:
*The scene opens in a lobby of a hotel. The hotel lobby appears to be of the highest quality, with many people in the lobby wearing business suits and other kinds of expensive clothing, from watches and shoes to shirts and trousers. We can see a fair amount of security on detail around the lobby of the hotel with a large amount near the exit. There is a small boy sat on one of the couches in the centre of the lobby and he appears to playing on a handheld gaming device while a well dressed man sits inches away reading a newspaper. After a few moments we can hear two of the security guards near the stairs to the hotel rooms whispering to each other.*

Security Guard A: Be on the lookout he is coming down now.

Security Guard B: Yes Sir.

Security Guard A: No screw ups.

Security Guard B: Of course not Sir. I'm ready.

*As the security guard finish their conversations we see a figure emerge at the top of the hotel stairs. As that figure starts to descend the staircase we can that it's Chris Beckford carrying what appears to be his kit bag other one shoulder. Beckford clearly stands out in this hotel crowd as he is wearing blue jeans and a white T-Shirt and has the WZCW EurAsian Championship over his other shoulder. As Beckford reaches the bottom of the stairs he walks past the two security guards and heads to the reception desk. Before Beckford is about to speak to the clerk he is interrupted by the hotel manager. The manager is a fairly old man, well dressed and speaks with a well educated voice*

Hotel Manager: Ah Mr Beckford, we trust you have enjoyed your stay here at The Jackson Hotel?

Beckford: I did indeed. I'd like to thank you for your hospitality, may I ask why the sudden influx of security?

Hotel Manager: Yes of course, it was actually a request from a Mr Chuck Myles. He left a message for you.

*The Hotel Manager passed Beckford the message it reads.*

Chris

I'm not having my EurAsian Champion
staying in a public hotel without any kind
of security. Next time go to the hotel we put you in.

Chuck Myles​

Beckford: Well that's cleared up then, although I seriously doubt he's concerned for my safety. Anyways again thanks for your hospitality.

*Beckford leaves the reception desk and sets off towards the exit, as he does this the small boy has put down his handheld gaming device and noticed Beckford walking near him. A look of excitement appears on his face as he leaps up from his seat and runs towards him. The boy's father takes flight after him and they both arrive near Beckford at the roughly the same time. Beckford seems slightly taken back by the child’s sudden movement towards him.*

Small Boy: Oh My God Oh My God, You're Chris Beckford...WZCW EurAsian Champion!!! You're my favourite of all the WZCW stars. I remember when you hit the Cross Country on Constantine through the announce table...and...and when you faced Austin Reynolds in an Inferno match and-------

Boys Father: JONATHAN get back here. Don't you ever run away from me again.

Jonathan:But Dad, it's Chris Beckford. He's my favourite

Jonathan's father: I don't care who he is, I am your father and I'm telling you to leave that man alone and go and sit down.

Beckford: Sir, it's quite alright, I don't mind talking to the young lad for a few moments.

Jonathan's father: I don't care what you mind doing, I don't want my son to idolize someone like you, idolizing a man who inflicts violence on another human being.

Beckford: O....Kay

Jonathan's father: It's because of people like you why young boys and girls get seriously injured imitating what you do. You should be ashamed.

Beckford: Sir I think you will find we strongly discourage people from trying what we do. We put out messages on shows, adverts, DVD's and more to discourage that sort of thing from happening.

Jonathan's father: You know how impressionable children are. It doesn't matter that you tell them messages not to do it. If they see a man doing a back flip onto somebody they are going to want to copy that.

Beckford: Then maybe it's the parents’ job to stop that from happening. You can blame us all you want but the fact is you are letting your child watch what we do, only you have the power to make them realise that what we do is dangerous.

*Beckford walks away from the boy’s father and gives a wink and a smile to Jonathan as he walks to the exit of the hotel. As he reaches the exit we see a small crowd has gathered outside. The security guards are doing their best to push the crowd back to give Beckford a path to his vehicle. Beckford exits the hotel and is immediately accosted with questions and shout outs. Beckford stops and tries to answer a few of them*

Fan #1: Chris, Were you happy with your performance at Lethal Lottery against Dr Alhazerd?

Beckford: I was yeah. It's never easy going into a match without knowing much about your opponent and I have to give credit to him he fought very well in the match. It was very back and forth and that is what I love about WZCW at the moment...anybody can beat anybody. Luckily I managed to pull out the win but I'll be keeping an interest into Alhazerd's WZCW career, he could be huge.

Fan#2: Were you annoyed at not being in the Lethal Lottery?

Beckford: I wouldn't say annoyed. Everybody wants the chance to go to Kingdom Come and face off against the WZCW Champion...including me. Unfortunately I was already scheduled in the EurAsian Open Challenge but I felt I perhaps should have been in the Lethal Lottery. I know for a fact that had I been in there, the levels of excitement would have gone through the roof and I'd be heading to Kingdom Come to face Ty Burna. Never mind though, there's always next year.

Fan#3: Who are you facing on Meltdown this week?

Beckford: It's actually just been announced that I'll be facing Brad Bomb in a match this week on Meltdown. I’m happy about this as I've been a big fan of what Brad has done during his time in WZCW. I watched his match last week at Meltdown 50 and was impressed at how good he looked against Constantine. I’m sure we will put on a great match for you guys and hopefully I can pull out the victory. I doubt that this will be the only time we meet though, as he would be a fantastic challenger for my EurAsian Championship.

Fan#4: Who do you see challenging for your EurAsian Championship at Kingdom Come?

Beckford: Well first let’s hope I can get to Kingdom Come as EurAsian Champion. Anything can happen between now and then but looking at Kingdom Come I'd say it could be anybody. Maybe I'll be in a 6 man match for the title again, maybe another inferno match or maybe just a regular one on one. Looking at potential opponents again I’d say it could be anybody. Obviously you can throw in names like Baez, Blade, Phoenix, Constantine. You could add in Michael Winters, Brad Bomb, Dr Alhazred, Steven Kurtesy, Steven Holmes, and Kravinoff. Like I say it could be anybody. I can't wait to find out though. Unlike last year the EurAsian Championship will NOT be changing hands at Kingdom Come.

Listen guys, I'm running late for a house show so I need to get off, thanks for all the questions though and I look forward to entertaining you all come Meltdown.

*Beckford walks away from the fans, gets into his car and drives away as the scene fades*
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Overall, I think it was a very good RP. It was something original as you pulled out something that hasn't been done as of late. The hotel lobby was a great setting and talking to the fans were a good idea since you are a face. I also liked how you threw in the parent. The RP wasn't to long and you add bold, italics, and color so I didn't have a problem reading it like I do with some others. I don't really have any advice for you. All I can say is, keep up the good work.

Numbers said:
Forgive me for I have sinned.......

Ah, who am I kidding? That shit felt great. Finally I got my hands on the men who have made my life a living hell. I’ve rediscovered the joy of coming to work again, the thrill of working a crowd, damn, there’s nothing like it.

So David Cougar took the dream of nineteen other men and made it a reality. And with Ty Burna waiting for him, well it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Maybe Ty will do what I couldn’t do......or maybe I will be able to go after Showtime David Cougar with his World Title on the line.

Now that’s a lot of maybe’s. But I know what was a lot more than maybe, I know what I did to John Constantine was a lot more decisive than a maybe.

In one night I went from their whipping boy to firestarter. I destroyed John Constantine, the wannabe Salvation and the crowd ate it up. What was left of him in the main event, I dragged out through the Lethal Lottery and beat every single drop of hate out of his boring, pig faced body. For one night only, The Ratings Winner performed a miracle – I made John Constantine entertaining.

I’ve been forced to spend so much time around David Cougar and John Constantine that I know that their egos cannot co-exist for much longer. It would infuriate them that they were unable to deal with me quickly and effectively. In the light of Cougar’s success at the Lottery and Constantine’s failure and pure inability to cope with myself, the Showtime Power Trip are doomed to implosion.

So while I go on the road to Kingdom Come to steal the show and surpass a dominant performance at the Lethal Lottery, I will take on great pleasure in watching the fireworks from afar.

It couldn’t happen to a nicer pair of guys.

And now as I write this blog from the hospital in New York, I have been told that I am facing Mr Baller at Ascension this week. I’m reminded of what Dominic thought of me when we first met. Egotistical, unable to trust anyone yet very talented.

Dominic is getting better slowly. The recurrent bleeds have stopped and he appears to be improving every day now. He hasn’t regained consciousness yet but we are certain that is the next step. All the messages we have received have been incredibly heart-warming and we are grateful for every single one of them.

I remember when I first arrived one year ago, Baller had just become known as the biggest joke in company history after trying to pin someone in the Lethal Lottery. I had my debut match for the Elite X championship just after the pay-per-view and Baller is barely on that level now. Even at our last show, I am just off the back of a dominant performance in the Lethal Lottery. What did Baller do that was memorable at any point in the last six months?

So at this point in time, unfortunately for Mr Baller, he is going to face someone who is unable to imagine a defeat. At this point in my career, defeat is not an option. I will not be beaten because I have got much bigger fish to fry than Mr Baller. He is simply not on the level that I am and he will not be the one who faces me at Kingdom Come.

My chance at the World Heavyweight Championship evaded me at the last pay-per-view because of forces that were beyond my control. Now I aim to take those forces and use them for my own good to win more ratings than ever before because the Ratings Winner as champ is the biggest draw that this company has for 2011. I had no right to go so far in the Lethal Lottery match. I had someone on my back from the moment that I entered the match and I still got to the final six.

So when I have removed the thorn of John Constantine from my backside, I look forward to relieving David Cougar of his precious World Heavyweight title because in the Lethal Lottery match, I had an epiphany. I figured them out and it suddenly became all so clear. They are vulnerable. Their egos are like a bomb waiting to go off.

There is a lesson here for Mr Baller; it’s something that he could do with figuring out. His ego already drove away his tag team partner. What is it going to cost him next?
Click to expand...



Very creative with the Blog. I have not seen that done before but of course I am new. I enjoyed this RP because it wasn't to long and it was to the point. You talked about your opponet and what has went on in the past year. You ended in a question and I always love it when pro wrestlers leave you with a question so good job with that. The only thing I would really liked to see in your next RP is to add some italics or bold. I got tired of the red the whole time but other than that, very good job.

Jordan Lights
Decent RP. It got to the point and wasn't long and boring. I liked how you had color and bold so it was easy to read. The only problem I saw with that was, I noticed you made Lilth or however you spell her name, under bold in one of her speaking. She was in pink the whole time but one time in the middle you had her and bold. I don't know if that was by accident or on purpose, so just watch out and try to keep characters the same color the whole RP. You could have went a little longer and more detailed too but it wasn't bad. I liked how there was tension between you and DK and the manager tried paying peace maker.

Blade
I enjoyed reading your RP and thought you did a great job with it. The only thing, I didn't like was I thought you could talk about your opponet a little more. I also noticed that you messed up and didn't color a couple lines but other than that it was a very good RP. You had a fan question you and how good you are, then you got your five minutes with Bateman and talked about your thirst for gold. Then at the end, Bateman finally gave in. Overall it was pretty good.

Killjoy
I thought your RP was pretty good dude. I loved how you got to explain, your side of the story. Bateman called Baez into his office and let Baez explain himself. I also enjoyed how you were a little mysterious at the begining. I also liked how you threw in that he knew Baez didn't have a car and shit. Overall it was good, and I don't really know what to tell you for improvement. You talked about your opponet and I guess you could have talked about him a little more but you did a great job. Keep it up.

This is going to be a good match.

Constantine
Sorry for taking so long to get to this but I have been extremely busy. Now the RP was very good and I loved it. I was entertained the whole time. I liked how Constantine was on a tour bus and Mia said she wanted the womens rights thing at 4 and shit. Constantine wasn't even listening to her and didn't give a damn what she said. They were getting annoyed by each other. Then you used symbolism with the Animal kingdom and WZCW which was my favorite part of the RP. Talking about the Lethal Lottery then talking about your opponet. I don't think I have anything to add for improvement because it was very good and I enjoyed it from begining to end.

Ty Burna
I am new here, and that RP has made me realize why you are a mod in WZCW because of how good you are at writing RPs. You certainly know your stuff dude. I was ammused how she called you Master and you called her woman. She wanted to go with you but Ty Burna didn't give in. He told her straight up she couldn't go and I thought that was cool. The only thing that I thought was different about your RP and remember different isn't neccesarily a bad thing but I noticed you didn't write which character was speaking everytime. You just had each character have there own color. So that was cool because I haven't seen anyone else do that. I also liked how you added that noone was on the street and you and your partner, Big Dave met up. I liked this RP and it wasn't to short but wasn't to long and boring. You went into detail and it kept me entertained the whole time. Overall, it was excellent.

Thriller
This may not be the best RP I have ever read but it certainly is my favorite. I am not trying to suck up to anyone by saying Thriller's was my favorite of all time. The reason I say that is because, I can relate to it. I am only 15, so I too dream of becoming a wrestler one day and I too have put on matches with the neighbors on my trampoline and I too have dogs that shit in the yard, that you have to watch out for. This RP related to me so much. The only thing that didn't relate to me was the jungle gym because I don't have one but I love how you had Pheonix set up there at the end and you did the interview on the Jungle gym. It was amazing how it all tithed in together at the end and Pheonix said, "discovering your past is part of your fututre" or something like that. I really enjoyed it though, and it was an amazing interview how he went back to his parents house, the house he grew up wanting to be a wrestler in. Great RP, keep up the good work.
 
Coco B Ware -

I enjoyed your RP, as per usual. The way you chose to state the setting was pretty cool, I felt that it worked very smoothly with this RP. I'm starting to really get into the Hunter character, as he was just kind of the guy I would read and be like "oh that was a good RP" but now I'm actually interested in reading each and every one of your pieces. The unique gimmick, you're very well with your words and it brings the reader into your characters world. All in all I'm giving this RP a 9.5/10
 
Malcolm O'Neil:
I liked it a lot actually. The gimmick is different, the style is different and it's just something a little refreshing to see. Dialogue was good and for the most part well constructed. The green text was difficult to read but you've got the ability to go a long way if you carry on like this. Great start.

Armando Paradyse:
Okay effort but this wasn't great. You came across a little bit like Carlito with the vignette/music playing the background and while that's not a bad thing. As Dave pointed out earlier you have some continuity errors such as the whole 'I'm in Puerto Rico despite the match being tonight' situation. Not a bad effort but not sure if you'll secure a contract.

Quick feedback for both: I like your passion but there are points where you're both quite annoying. Take it down a couple of notches in the discussion thread. Just a friendly hint.​

Action Saxton:
You have a clear idea where you're going with this character and what he is. I've never seen Black Dynamite, but if I'm not mistaken, he's meant to be a throwback to Blaxploitation films and I couldn't help but wonder where that sort of dialogue was. The idea was there but I don't think you've got it completely down 100%. Nice debut.

Mr. Morality:
I like your idea here as it stems from a personal favourite gimmick of mine (RTC). The idea is very, very good and your layout is very nice. I wasn't completely sold on the spoiler tags as it seemed a little bit disjointed but overall this was a very nice debut RP. I expect both you and Saxton to be getting contracts.
 
Chris Jones:
Congratulations on your championship win first off. I like your ideas here. Jones going to see a psychiatrist is an interesting idea that could work really well if you continue it. I was surprised to see a distinct lack of comments directed towards Kurtesy, that summed to be an obvious place to go but to each his own. This is well written and a pretty strong RP. I say you retain your championship here.

Sam Smith:
I gave you feedback via PM.

Barbosa:
An interesting RP for you. You appear to be at a cross-roads of sorts following your sudden ascension this past round. I liked that you had the more aggressive persona take over for a while there towards the end and as always your formatting was nicely done. The we thing is very creepy and I feel plays into your character well. Nice job.

Showtime:
Continues to poss? That's new. I liked that you played up the fact that you're a very evil gentleman with the opening part. The description of the child fans was cool and I liked it a lot. Nice reference to Coco's thread. Overall this is a quality effort. I don't think it was outstanding like your Lottery RP but it was pretty damn good all the same.

Ty Burna:
Didn't it snow in another one of your RP's recently? Ty Burna clearly drags the snow with him. Your interaction with Dave was excellent, a great balance there as you didn't make Dave look weak, but Ty outsmarted him. Nice job. The ending was very good and was a terrific conclusion to a very good RP.

Big Dave:
First off, I loved the dig at Cameron. Much like Barbosa, this is an interesting cross-roads for Dave as a character, where does he go as he heads towards Kingdom Come? It seems he's destined to feud with Ty which is going to be interesting to watch unfold, and yet he can't touch him due to the Lottery. King for a Day is going to be one to watch, that's for sure. I think you needed to reference Everest more as he's your main enemy, but I enjoyed this one.

Gordito:
Klamor appears in three of these RP's and I think he was best used in this one. You capture his voice very well and make him into a fun character for Gordito to play off of. Good interaction and you addressed your opponents well, but I feel you needed to talk more about your partners in this one. Solid RP here for the Dirty One.
 
Rico Suave:

-Are you naked? You didn’t say whether you were or not, and if you are, bending over to pet the dog has created an unexpected visual.
-Why is there a flower on the beach? Why is there a floor on the beach? Is it a dance floor?
-Fame and fortune gets you senoritas. I guess that means you’re also wrestling for fame and fortune. You should mention that to round things out. Or not.
-Why the brown text all the sudden? Consistency, Rico.
-You’re going to win because you’re a ladies’ man? I’m not saying it’s not a good idea for a promo, but there’s a gap in logic there. Why does being a ladies’ man make you superior? You should bring that point home. And if you lack the gravitas to do that, you shouldn’t make the point.

Overall: Well, you sure come across like a douche bag. Watch the formatting errors next time and try to tie your badmouthing in with perhaps an overarching, appropriately fleshed-out theme to make it come off as more polished. As an intro, this wasn’t awful. But there’s plenty of room to grow.

DK Wilton:

-Grammar errors here and there, but you’re writing is slowly improving.
-I’m a big sucker for the “being true to yourself” shit right now, so that’s a nice touch. Just don’t overdo it and make every promo a semi-shoot. This is fine for your face turn though.
-Formatting error at the beginning of the Kensworth bit. Watch out for that stuff.
-More formatting errors... I’m sure that will cost you in what’s a pretty decent RP for you.
-Lol, Taco Bell. Mexican’s like that, don’t they?

Overall: There’s some serious missed opportunity here. While you mention isolation and a feeling that the entourage doesn’t do much for you, a search for connection isn’t brought up at all when you speak about the Lights, nor do you mention how his veteran experience might help you grow as a competitor. Lights covers the second point briefly in his RP, but considering you might be the stronger RPer on your team right now (for my money at least), you should be taking the ball on things like that and running. Still, this is a step in the right direction and a great starting point for what will hopefully be a fruitful run in the tag division.
 
I guess, I'll be the first to post feedback this week, eh?

Ryder
This RP was very simple. I guess simple can be both good and bad. With it being your first match, I was expecting a little bit more than just a basic interview. I think Action Saxton might pick up the slack though with an original RP besides an interview. With this being a simple interview, the good thing was it was nice to read and very easy to follow. You got straight to the point with some basic questions and you accomplished what you were looking to accomplish. Not great, but certainly not bad as I see you and Action Saxton getting the victory. With that being said, I have not seen Saxton's or your opponet's RPs.

Powertrip
That RP was incredible. That RP is the reason why I have chosen you for my WZCW mentor, I guess you could say. I was confused at the begining but I love the song Headstrong by Trapt and liked how you included the entrance music from youtube while describing it. You had the fans up on there feet in happiness and in a second, you turned a pop into heat when everyone relized it was Constanine. I liked the whole thing and was into it the whole time. You had some good description. I liked how you said, wrestles with the announcer over the microphone. You talked about your opponet and you talked about how London was the home of Austin Reynolds. This was one of my favorite RP's I have read. Keep it coming.

Encore
Overall, it was a very good RP. I liked how you described the scenary so well. You watched last weeks match and seemed upset about the outcome, and described that well as you talked about leaning back in your chair. You talked about your opponet and then got the call saying he couldn't compete. However, Pheonix said to act in the RP as he was competing and you did that up until the end. I noticed one grammar mistake as you said, "He pulled, began to pull out his cell phone." Also, I really liked how you said, it was like a kid on christmas morning. :) I could picture this whole RP in my head very well.

Funkay D. Wolfwood
You opened up perfectly with the utter darkness. This thread was decent. It was very easily to read. It had the similarities of a regular interview but was not which made it all better. You got to the point, by putting your past and your fears behind you. When you got past the confidence-building segmant, you tied in your two opponets and did a good jon with that. Good RP.

Crock
It has a very good attention grabber with the way it is storming and you are setting carrying on a conversation with your brother, drinking beer. It brought that, "real life" aspect into the RP. As you got angrier, you drank more, and then tried to stand up drunk which was entertaining. You said you were trying something different in your last promo. You talked about your opponet and how you actually looked up to Mr. Baller. The ending was funny, how you got into a fight with you're brother while you were drunk, because a lot of people get into fights when there friends when they are drunk. Good Rp, as I think you will come out on top. With that said, Mr. Baller has not posted his RP yet, so who knows?
 
Constantine: Very well thought out RP. Right from the beginning, there was just this feeling of "this RP's going to be special," and it didn't disappoint. I loved the premise of it all, Constantine going to London to, in a way, assert his dominance over Reynolds. To show that he wasn't as vulnerable as it seems, to show that he could be a World Champion and that it didn't matter. You put yourself on Ty's level. By having World Championship gold, you eliminated him having that over you. You basically just made it a man to man, eye to eye, brawl. This is one of your finest RPs I have ever come across, and it might finally be time for John Constantine to have that defining moment.

Barbosa: The entertainment value of it was there, that's for sure. Manic Barbosa shines here, very nice. As always, you take your reader inside Barbosa's head. You make us see what goes on in there first hand. Reading through this one, I could hear the voices basically. It was so well written, that I could really feel the "chaos." Another thing I enjoy with your RPs is the formatting. The different font sizes/colors for each demeanor really help it all along. Great RP.
 
PowerTrip
I loved it. It was very creative and original. Not only did you bash You're opponent, Austin Reynolds (I smell a fued cooking), and the fans but you also won another promotions world wrestling belt. It was funny and made you seem like a dick which is great because you're a heel. On top of all that, it was very intertaining as well. 7/10 for you because it was original and hillarious.

The Encore
You're character confuses me. I can't tell if he is a face or a heel. You're RP didn't make any sense to me it was just boring and I actually believe you could do way better. 4/10

FunKay D. Wolfwood
Very interesting how you brought you're tag team partner in this as you were one of his patients. I liked how you spoke of you're opponents. You seem to have complete control of you're character and I believe you can go along way if you set you're mind to it and write more good RP's like this one. Only thing I did not like is the way it ended. The ending to me seemed out of place and kind of killed it. 6/10

The Crock
I actually enjoyed you're RP very much. Two brothers talking about wrestling, doesn't get any better than that. You talked about you're opponent and said you had respect for him but you would still kick his ass which was a good thing. At the end it turned into a soap opera moment, which I could care less for. 6/10

Barbosa
Dude, that was very hard to follow for me. Maybe it's because I'm new. I did enjoy it though. You have you're character down and that means you can only go up from here. You talked about Baez and Gordito, as well as you're opponent. good work. 6/10

Leeds Guy
Great RP. I like to keep my RP's simple as well. And that's what this was. Basic Interview with a face competitor and a heel interviewer. I love the end how you told her off saying the reason why you go to the other two interviewers instead of her and Johnny. Some really good stuff. 8/10

Disturbed
Nice RP. It wasn't perfect but nothing is right? I like how you were trying to impress the boss in an atempt to suck up and get a contract. Great work in bringing in all of you're opponents. It was very clever and original. I loved the end of it how you worked the dream into you're RP and then said it would become a reality. 7/10

Red Skull
This RP just bored me to death. I had to push myself to finish it. It's probably because you're character didn't say anything. I know he was in pain from the previous match but you could have gone into something like him writing on a pad of paper what he wants to say. 4/10
 
Armando Paradyse - I kind of enjoyed it but I didn't at the same time. It was a solid RP for your first match in WZCW and you ran through all your opponents well. You addressed Kingdom Come which was also good but then there are your flaws. Hitting on the WZCW Interviewers? Big no-no. Get a few NPCs and hit on them instead but don't do it all the time. And making a spelling mistake right towards the conclusion ruined it for me. I guess it didn't leave a great 'impact' ;)

Dr. Alhazred - Fantastic. Mister is already another character I love and the direction in which you've take Dr. Alhazred already is great. You seemingly already have control over your character and that's good because you know exactly what you're doing and I look forward to seeing you on the Kingdom Come card somewhere.
 
I may not be role-playing here anymore at the moment but never let it be said that I'm not keeping up with what's going on. I just wanted to leave a little feedback for someone.

The Encore
I see some potential in your role-plays, with that being said there are a few things that you need to overcome.

First is the most notable thing to me in your action paragraphs/sentences, the tense confusion. First DK is sitting but remained quiet. Then he’s turned on the T.V. but was grabbing a bottle of water. You flip flop with your tenses through each one of your action paragraphs/sentences. It’ll help out in the long run if you pick a tense and stick with it.

Also, I get that there are a lot of things in the room and you did a decent job of describing the room, however I believe that a room cannot be surrounded in things. DK can be surrounded by things, but the room itself can’t. You should’ve used a different word than surrounded.

Adding simple words like “I” go a long way when it comes to this game; “Last week showed progress,” I can only imagine that DK was talking about himself and not the actual week. “Although I could ease up a little for these guys” what exactly is that supposed to mean? The entire sentence made little sense really, which brings me to the next point, they’re former tag team champions, in a promotion with only one tag team title and that is in competition for all over the world absolutely makes it a world title, therefore making them both former world champions. Small facts like this can greatly degrade the value of DK’s words. “Isn’t one of Scott’s nature” should’ve read “Isn’t in Scotts nature”.

It is my understanding that DK is in the transition of becoming a face. That’s good, except he’s still very heel sounding in this role-play. The biting comments should be working their way out of the man’s tone and vocabulary. He should be starting to recognize and respect the talents of the veterans ahead of him like Scott Hammond. Remember completely cutting an opponent down only makes you look bad.

In short, pick a tense and stick with it. Don’t over look the addition of simple words. Know your facts. Watch your grammar. And lastly ease into the transition with his words.

Well that was fun, maybe I'll do this again for a few other people. Most likely the new blood in WZCW. And Encore you can take my advise or completely overlook it, I feel that you could do a good job in WZCW and that there really are a few minor tweaks that need to be made. Good luck.
 
Armando Paradyse (Ride Her)

I've been playing this game too long to mince my words and here is your evaluation... I didn't like this RP. However, you shouldn't be too disappointed with it. Truth be told, I just have very high goals for people to try and hit and you didn't manage to pull it off this week. The fact of the matter is that it was nowhere near original enough. You know how many times I have seen a one-on-one interview with Becky Serra? Too many, that how many.

That being said, it's not bad. What you lose in originality, I guess you make up for in content and covering all of your bases. You cover your opponent and what went on last week. You cover your tag team partner and I guess that is all I should be looking for from an RP. However, you should know that originality is what is going to get you over here. Look at people like Barbosa and DirtyJose. The reason they were so successful off the bat was because they tried new things and that is what you should be doing.

Hell, even look at your opponent and see what he is doing. Red Skull is very inventive and has taken his gimmick to a new extreme of originality. You should be aiming for that too. This RP was far too cookie-cutter for my tastes.

Dale Winton (The Encore)

The absolute first thing you notice about your RP is that you have such terrible trouble with tenses. It is, honestly, hard to read during the first paragraph. Now, I know that we are all far from perfect when it comes to this because it is hard to describe movement and action as if it is happening. Either write it in the past tense or in the present tense and try not to change paths.

The next thing I notice is that you have created a theory in your head of why Doug will not be in the match. Now, Phoenix, in the openeing post of that thread did not say that Doug Crashin wouldn't be at Ascension. In fact, I am sure that he said that it would be addressed at the show and that you had to RP as if he was still RPing. That is a mistake from the off. You should have thought more about that.

Two paragraphs isn't enough criticism of your opponent, in my book. The Crashin Movement are some of the most hated heels on the roster and you could only manage two paragraphs on them? Come on, man. I would have torn those guys to shreds and that is what you should have been aiming to do too. Although I did like the thing at the beginning. You should make that a running them of your RP's and tie it into what you are eventually going to say in your promo. That's quite clever.

Samwise Smithe (My boy, Crock)

The opening paragraph is very good. Writing a detailed opening paragraph that sets the scene and the tone is something that I always like to do. It was very Dave-like. You are hanging around with me too much...

I think I was the one who suggested that you put in another character to bounce off of and that is ideal. You have worked that in pretty well and it works so much better than you on your own reading an article and getting drunk. You do well listening to me. However, I think his brother would have been better suited to being a heel. You know, that guy who says inappropriate things only to be met with the icy stare of Smith? That would have been funny. This works too.

There is too sudden a shift in your speech for my liking:

Smith: Screw that. I look forward to his next article where he calls for me to get fired because of this, you know what... I don't care. I really don't. On to more pressing matters. Last week, in my Mayhem Championship match.
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That, to me, is too sudden. When you are changing the topic of discussion, you should always take a new paragraph. You could have eased into this transition with a comment from Smith’s brother or just by taking a new line. This just seemed rushed.

WAIT!? Who is the heel here?

I like this RP but it was confusing in parts. I thought Smith was a face but now he is calling out his brother for being a cheater and such? Plus, alcoholism is a heel mentality, I reckon. I thought the end really pushed the RP to breaking point and if you had gone any further along that path, it would have wasted an otherwise excellent RP. I think this is probably my favourite RP of yours and I think you are getting there, in terms of writing now. What I will say is be more clear in your RP's about who is who, in terms of alignment. I honesty thought Smith was a heel for a second there...
 
Steven Holmes (Funaki)

I like seeing The Good Doctor in your RP. To me, it shows that you guys are teaming well and, more than that, it shows that you understand each others characters a little more every week. I guess it was a decision that was easy to make but I am glad that you used it.

I think you were right to centre the beginning of this RP on Wasabi Toyota. In my mind, he will be the harder opponent to defeat and, with all respect to Jordan Lights, he is probably the more respectable opponent at this point. It was a good decision to make him the focal point of the RP. Of course, you do get onto Lights eventually and I like what you said about him too.

I would have thought that, instead of having dreams about the fat Asian ass of Wasabi falling on you, you might have made it more of a defence mechanism. Perhaps Kurtesy could have been telling you to envision it so that it holds no fear for you but that is just a small thing that I would have written and it probably works better and without less effort your way.

Truthfully, I thought that this RP was pretty damn good. It is not the most original RP but anything you lose in that respect, you make up in sheer quality. You used yours and FalKon's characters to perfection and everything seemed very organic. That takes a lot of talent and I don't think it is something that you learn overnight. Your development is really coming along and I like the dynamic with Kurtesy in particular. Very good effort.

Jermaine Chris Beckford (Leeds Guy)

Holy shit! It's the long-forgotten heel interviewer Stacey Madison! Honestly, that may seem silly but I am seriously marking out that you used her. I think it works better when faces play off of heel characters and I am glad that you made that connection too!

Oh, Jesus! You are using her to perfection. That makes me smile.

A Constantine shout-out? Niiiiice!

Honestly, I have no problems with this RP in the slightest. In fact, I don't think I am being kind enough, this RP was pretty damn brilliant. Honestly, I liked everything about it and my only qualm was that I like a bit more description in an RP. That being said, what you gave me was damn near perfect for a match of this magnitude that could see you lose your title. I have been in that position and sometimes it is hard to bring it. You managed to write a great RP with minimal fuss that I really enjoyed.

Barring a huge upset with Brad Bomb's RP, I would say that you are making it to Kingdom Come with the Championship.

Malcolm O’Neill (Disturbed)

Firstly, you are probably wondering why I didn't give you a joke name? Well, I did. However, I actually spelled it the correct way that doesn't make my spell-checker take a complete fucking fit every time I type it. So, form here on out, you will be the aforementioned name.

Nice opening paragraph. I liked that you took my advice on that when I sent you that feedback before. It was far too bland before and like I have said, I like a good opening paragraph to set the mood, setting and tone. I'm glad you managed to pull that off.

A lot of your speech seems really forced. I suggest taking a look at Action Saxton or Red Skull's RP and learning that delivery can make or break a pivotal part of your RP. A lot of the speech here doesn't seem organic to the situation and as though you took it out of a movie.

I like that you are using a lot of description. I believe that was another thing I told you to work on... So good job.

However, you are not acting enough like a heel for my tastes. You know what would happen if Constantine was brought shitty food that was as hard as a boulder? He would toss it in the face of whoever brought it to his door and make spaghetti out of his innards. Malcolm just takes the abuse and eats the pasta anyway. You should take advantage of situations like that in the future.

I like the bit with Bateman.

I thought that you fell into the trap of rushing the last part. That being said, it was much better than the trucker part you sent me to begin with. I felt that the sequence of events leading up the dream was a bit quick and you could have taken more out of it.

That being said, you are still learning and it will take time to get all facets of RPing down. You need to try and slow things down a little. Don't have all of your description bunched up. Perhaps it in little bits after each part of speech so that it doesn't look like a wall of text and it will come off much better. I liked it but you still have a lot of work to do.

Barbara Bosa (Freaky Greek characters)

A man with three different personalities against a psychologist? A match made in Heaven, surely? I expect great things from this one...

Honestly, and this has been a problem when I read your RP's in the past, I get confused with it all very quickly. No doubt the talent is there to be able to control three of four personalities all at once but it would be so much easier to read if you suggested to the reader which personality is speaking throughout. Maybe that is me missing things but I get confused with it all.

Lol... Bowen and Hayes.

How long does it take you to format an RP? I seriously wonder.

Woo! You addressed the fact that a psychiatrist was your opponent and that could be good for Barbosa. I like that. It is obvious but you simply had to talk about it. For the most part, you did that extremely well. The WZCW.com extract was fun and I am glad that you used that to target the good Doctor. It was different and made it stand out.

I really liked this RP when I managed to get into the swing of who was talking. Honestly, I know that you have talent but I had to go back and re-read the RP to make sure that I had read it properly in the correct persona. It may be a big thing for you and I don't know how open you are to the idea of better introducing each persona as they first talk but I feel that it would help the RP flow a little better. Then again, it might just be me being stupid.
 
Jones- I believe you are great building material for someone who could be a big star in Wzcw some day. The only going to gripe about two things on your rp. You go over your opponents like anyone would, but what makes you better than them? How are you going to sell me your character and your gimmick when your just talking about me and the other people in the match? What makes you deserve your title and the right to keep it? What is making Jones keep going, what is his fuel?

Also your description, I don't have the greatest Description in Wzcw but I know from experience that this is something that a lot of people have troubles with first starting out. I know I sure as hell did, but what I want to be able to do with your character is imagine him doing this, see him laughing or see him getting serious.

Jones stares at Kensworth for a moment, then moves the camera over so that only Kensworth is in the frame

This is your description, sell it to me why is Jones staring at Kensworth? Is he just staring? Or is he gritting his teeth because he doesn’t like what the person talking to him is saying. Its just little added in things that can make your character pop out of the rp and into my head better.
 
Disturbed
First you’ve got three sentences in the opening that could and probably should be one or two sentences. I’ll show you, this is what you put in the role-play.

Unfortunately, the black activist came up on the losing end. Paradyse, walked out with a victory and a contract. Malcom O’Neil believes that the contract should have been his.
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This is how it could’ve looked like…

Unfortunately Paradyse gained the contract by being victorious over O’Neil, an atrocity O’Neil could hardly believe.
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It conveys the same message you said only it breaks it down into a single sentence. Just watch for stuff like this, it might make your role-play shorter overall but the message will still be received and it could quiet possibly be more powerful as you’d be forced to use different words.

Adding some words that maybe shouldn’t be there, “O’Neil hesitated on answering”, you don’t really need the “on” in there, if he’s hesitating than he’s doing just that. The sentence right after that you’ve got some of it twisted. It should read “It was WZCW talent relations on the line, asking him to come back…” I’m noticing that you’re either getting ahead of yourself or you’re twisting things around. Like before it was twisted, the next sentence you kind of get ahead of yourself. I know that the action paragraph is in the past tense but maybe he began researching instead of has been all week. Even the sentence after that there is evidence of getting ahead of yourself with the hotel. I’m not going to break this down line by line I just hope you can see what I’m getting at. If not, please feel free to ask me and I’ll further explain.

Moving on to the actual voice of the promo; you put commas where commas don’t really belong. It wouldn’t be so bad if a comma didn’t indicate a short pause in the speech. Should be no comma after hotel or after park. “Could of” is supposed to be “could’ve” it’s could and have together. Keep in mind to use the proper words, you used “to” instead of “too”, while it might not truly be a big deal, if you make it to the main event level it could come down to a simple spelling error or the improper usage of a word that keeps you from winning a match.

Next is the content here; it’s not that bad. You’re confusing apart of your gimmick though; you say that the crowd should be behind you but then turn right around and say that you don’t care. You can’t really have it both ways. You should play up the ignorance of the fans that choose to jeer you instead of saying that you don’t care that is if you’re trying to play the racist card and more on that I feel that your character should’ve laid into Bateman for possibly telling him the wrong hotel, using it as fuel for the promo about how “the white man is trying to keep me down” and what not. As far as the content goes, I know it’s difficult to talk about other people that you don’t really know that much about but you need to have a little more about them.

Lastly, be very careful about using dream sequences in these role-plays. Sometimes they can come off very well and sometimes they come off very bad. Often times fed heads don’t enjoy having dream sequences in role-plays; it’s mostly due to the fact that it can’t be proven that it ever happened. Plus, since it’s a dream no one else is supposed to know what actually happened in the dream, so O’Neil waking up and saying he’ll make that dream a reality would be confusing for the average fan. Maybe if you want to have a dream in the role-play, have O’Neil talk about it instead of actually showing us, you obviously don’t have to do this as it’s just a suggestion.

Overall not a bad role-play, I have certainly seen a lot worse. I just feel like you may have rushed it. A lot of the speech feels alright for the most part but you leave out a big chuck of your opponents and more importantly why you’re going to win the match. You’re supposed to be a “black activist” but I only feel that gimmick in a single portion of the role-play, that isn’t good at all. You have a chance to be the next Muhammad Hassan with this character, maybe you should go back and watch some of his promos to get a feel of how O’Neil should react and speak. You have potential here, you stick to the tenses that you want, but the other stuff mentioned here are things you need to work on. The biggest thing I see that is wrong is that you’re not playing to the gimmick you’ve set; again see Muhammad Hassan for a great example of how to play this gimmick.

I hope this helps man; I also like to see people succeed in efedding as it keeps things interesting.
 
M. Winters – Michael Winters
Not a bad role-play. I had questioned why Becky Serra was in Michael’s dressing room at first, he seemed to know that she was there but you didn’t actually state that. If he knew than he should’ve acted accordingly or if he thought she would be gone. Either way, I understand why she was there after reading a few more lines. However, a reaction from Michael would’ve been nice. You messed her name in one part, little things are fine but messing people’s names is never good, you can give people names but messing them isn’t good. You called her Vicky instead of Becky, just keep a watch for that, one mistake like that can cost you a match.

You’re action paragraphs are very good, there is enough detail to paint the picture in your head. My only problem is that once you start the interview there isn’t any action at all. The problem I have with it is that no one just stands perfectly still or sits perfectly still when being interviewed. People react to the questions they’re being asked and the answers given. Detail and description is very important, it helps to convey the messages you’re trying to work toward, it goes hand in hand with the words Michael is saying. I read the content of what he’s saying and think, good he knows what he’s talking about, but I want to be able to see his face during this interview, right now he’s stone lipped and just talking like Ben Stein in my head, that’s not good.

The interview itself was good, however, I see that the addition of small words, such as “as”. They make sentences flow more fluidly. Becky being a journalist shouldn’t be making any mistakes in front of the camera unless she’s supposed to be airheaded.

How do you feel about your performance in what some would argue, the most important match of your career?
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Doesn’t flow that well, yeah we know what she’s asking but changing it to this…

How do you feel about your performance, in what some would argue as the most important match of your career?
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I know it was probably a simple typo, but you gotta watch this stuff. You can’t be perfect, no one can be but that is part of the fun of this game, trying to be perfect in your delivery.

Looking at your gimmick I have to say that him stating that the match was the biggest of his career wasn’t the right way to go. Yes be disappointed with losing the match, but don’t let it seem as though it was the biggest thing ever. For your gimmick, I might’ve said “God blessed me with the ability to stay in the ring for as long as I did, he gave me the opportunity to be in the biggest match of my career so far.” It pretty much conveys the same message you stated but it plays to your gimmick.

Michael’s statement about “Showtime” David Cougar is what I was talking about earlier, I loved this paragraph, it was short lived though as I had no idea how Michaels face was intended to look. The distain for Showtime is felt through his words but not his reactions. I want to be able to truly imagine that Michael Winters holds a distain for Showtime but again I’m only getting Ben Stein due to the lack of reaction statements.

Lastly, you’ve done something we all do from time to time. You made a rocky transition from talking about Showtime to talking to Showtime. It is a little more difficult to pick up as it is from one sentence to another, but it is there. You have to transition from about into to as smoothly as possible, sometimes it’s difficult but it’s a must. I would’ve started to talk to Showtime when you said you were going to soften him up. Also you over used the word because in your last interview sentence, since I’m certain that your catchphrase needed the word, the first usage of it was not.

May the better man win David, because once that bell rings, you better be ready, because Winter… is… coming!
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Read it over again and you’ll see that this statement above doesn’t flow very well at all. In fact it’s somewhat awkward to even say out loud.

May the better man win, as once that bell rings David, Winter… is… coming!
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The above from me would’ve worked just fine. You could’ve done so much with the statement that you said to make it actually more powerful by using fewer words.

Onto your gimmick, you must be very, very, I cannot stress it enough, very careful with what you say regarding your gimmick. At one point Michael sounds as though he’s better than Showtime due to his relationship with God and directly afterwards he doesn’t seem to think that he’s that much better than him anymore. If you’re a face you need to act like it, if you’re a heel then play up being a heel, if you truly want to walk the line of a tweener then do so carefully. The gimmick of yours can go left and right with the utterance of a single phrase and it will make you seem the hypocrite.

Overall I really enjoyed your role-play. You have the makings of a champion; you touched on past experiences and current events for your character. The actions were good even if there weren’t enough of them. Just always keep in mind that you want to connect with the reader, by leaving out a lot of action doesn’t actually help this, we want to see the reactions to those hard questions Becky had. More words do not always equal a better role-play. If you can convey a powerful message in fewer words then do so, if you don’t it will look like you’re just trying to stretch it out and that’s not something you want to seem to be doing. Small changes are what's needed, nothing major and just that warning about your gimmick, keep a watchful eye over what Michael says.
 
soldiermysterio – James King
The very first thing I notice before I even really read too far into it is that I’m not sure who is talking. I know you color coded it and all but somewhere there should be a sort of legend for who’s color is who’s like Red Skull did before you. Random people don’t need a legend they’re just random, the main characters however do. And it’s only at first before you actually separate their lines with actions.

I like that you somewhat continued on from where Red Skull left off. In a team setting, if both members are to be working together it’s a good thing to work off of each other’s role-plays in a manner such as this. That being said, I don’t get to whole hearing voices thing, it doesn’t actually match the gimmick in your character card. You don’t have to explain it to me, I know that people enjoy a good mystery but it just don’t seem to fit with the gimmick you’ve started out with, if it’s changed than more power to you if not, then you need to take a look at hearing voices or the gimmick and change one of them.

It’s not horrible; I have seen far worse role-plays than this one. There really feels like there is no direction for the whole role-play. You talk very little about the match at hand; I’m serious, so little that I can’t even give you feedback on it. Like I said to Disturbed, not knowing much about your opponents or partner is no reason to leave that to but a short three line paragraph, where you virtually say nothing about them. You then move on to talking about Kingdom Come which at this point in time is kind of silly to do. You need to focus more on the present match than the future; I would think a character with amnesia would feel the same way.

After that I can’t tell if you’re a heel or a face, no really. Some of what you have to say is what a heel would say and very few of it is face like. Your alignment and gimmick need to be looked at and quite possibly revised. If you’re sticking with being a face and having amnesia then play it up, do it to the max, it’s a unique character that I’ve not seen before but you have to own it otherwise it comes off as completely weak.

I’m sorry, I wish there was more I could really say here but you didn’t honestly give me a whole lot to work with. From what I can gleam from this role-play is that James has no clue about much of anything other than making it to Kingdom Come.

Catchphrases, I don’t really like them at all to be honest. Unless the character is the most charismatic person a live catchphrases don’t work so well. Your catchphrase sounds forced to say the least. Catchphrases like yours don’t have to involve a finisher’s name. Mine as Alex Steele was “choke on that”. It makes complete reference to his abilities and even one of his finishers without actually saying the finisher’s name.

The biggest thing I can say to you is to slow down the pace. You need to talk about all people in your match a lot more. Slow down when you’re writing and take a little more time to actually talk.


The Doctor – Action Saxton
Geez… this one is going to be short, mainly because you didn’t actually give me much to work with either. The comedy bit is good, you do it well Doc. However you fell into a trap of playing the character without actually playing a wrestler. The character is fun and enjoyable and the read was greatly enjoyable.

With that said Doc, the match was already booked, while I like the fact that Armando is trying to get Saxton to be in his team, you completely disregard your opponents. The interaction is good between Saxton and Armando but the fact that there was no actual promo makes me sad. I feel that it was leading to such a great place that whatever Saxton had to say about James and Alhazred was going to be great, I just feel a little let down by that fact.

You do the character extremely well but I want to see you do the wrestler too. You’ve gotta balance them both out because it’ll only add to the fun of the character.
 
Ty Burna
I can't really think of anything negative to say about this RP. I am just trying to give some feedback to everyone. I guess I will just say the positives and what I liked. As I read your RP I was thinking, "Damn, I need use detail that well in my RPs." For real, that showed what a real RP should look like. I like Constantine's very well too, so it would be tough for me to pick one. You described the scenary very well especially at the begining when you noted every single little move Ty Burna made. You explained the flames really well and I liked how you blended in with them. Great job and I can tell why you are the WZCW World Heavyweight champion.

The Agony
I liked it. You described what was going on very well. I liked the idea with the Agony coming in and saving the woman from her man. This was realistic because a lot of men are really like that in the world. You potrayed your gimmick well because he didn't say much and he is a face so he saved the girl. I just saw a few problems as I read over it. I will just point this out, there were a few places where you didn't put a space between a sentence or two. No biggy, just read over it a little more and catch little eras like that when you are finished with your RP. I can't say much though, because I do it a lot too. Now, the big problem I saw was you didn't talk about your opponent. It is going to be hard for you since your character doesn't talk much with the monster gimmick. One of the main things in an RP is to fit your opponents in the RP. I don't really know how you can do that though. Just use your imagination and try and work them in somewhere next RP.

Alex Bowen
It was a decent RP overall. I will nitpick a little bit first, then I'll tell you what I liked. I thought it was a little hard to read. The text was alligned center and the actions and expressions were alligned left. I thought it should all be alligned the same way. I also saw a few errors in there as you said the word, "look" twice by accident. Just read over it when your done a time or two. No hurry to post. This isn't anything that matters at all but I noticed you said he cracked his neck and cracked his knuckles. I believe you should of said, he popped them because crack means he fractured them. No worries though, like I said that doesn't matter. As for the positives, I liked how you made a lot of comparisons. I liked how you said, that you were once filled with join and passion, just like the kids playing in the snow. I also liked how you said people talking you down was just a motivation. I enjoyed it. Sorry to nitpick at the begining.

Chris Jones
Very good RP. This RP proves that you don't have to do something that's never been done before. You can have a simple RP and still look good. You kept it short and sweet so it was easy to read. I like how you have a good amount of color, and bold showing your actions. You played a good heel, by telling him he was a rookie interviewer. You went through all of your opponents and I liked how you used the word, “wangsta.” Very entertaining with that. I guess, I’ll keep this feedback short because I didn’t see anything you did wrong. Great job, keep it up.

Action Saxton
I would just like to say, I love your character. He is like a black Chuck Norris. I could actually picture Ron Simmons doing many of the things, Action Saxton does. When I first began to read your RP it reminded me a lot of the vignettes Eddie and Chavo Guerrero used to do on SmackDown. I have never heard some of the words you have said in this RP before, but they are funny as hell especially how you asked Armando Paradyse if he spoke English. I about died in laughter when Armando said, you could have a bite of his weiner. This RP was very well designed. I think that Action Saxton can go along way in WZCW. He is very entertaining and like I said, he is like a black Chuck Norris. I can’t wait to read your next RP, Doc. Good work.
 
DK Wilton - First of all isn't Scott Hammond one of the current tag team champions? To say former is an incorrect usage. In order to avoid this I'd put something like "both have been tag team champions" which makes more sense contextually.

As for your RP, it was ok but not great. Addressing Crashin's withdrawl may hinder you because Phoenix said it'd be addressed on air and RP as if he's still there... still you covered the basis of Hammond well but I preferred your criticism of Crashin. It might be because DC is an easy target but you were better in those parts than your others. The scenario was ok (the ending with the look of awe - didn't like so much but as a rapper before hand it kind of works cause otherwise I'd expect to hate Wilton as he is a heel).

Basing this on previous RPs of Hammond's (as long as he RPs), I don't think you'll win (backstage actions may factor in also) but you can give a good showing with this RP.

Blade and Baez - I wanted to do this separately but clearly you both worked well together in creating the RPs and I have to say as a team (a hostile one at that) it was a fantastic read. Blade's RP set it up and then Baez's hit out of the park. Having Myles ultimatum helped even if a little cliché, however, I have to say I liked the second one more so than the first.

Maybe it was because Baez did more to engage his feud with Gordito and explain his reasoning (which in turn made Gordito look better as a face, something I really like in a heel for whatever reason) and also the last few lines, especially the last line from Baez was so drastic and for me, out of the blue but it made sense and it was such a great way to end it off. I would think you're favourites for the win over Reynolds and Gordito.

Wasabi Toyota - Toyota's RPs are in my top 3 for must reads, just behind Barbosa and ahead of Constantine's and once again I liked it. I liked the scenario and Kensworth bribing of Toyota was well done. Toyota's innocence always makes me laugh and his adjustments to Western culture spout never ending possibilities for RPs. The comedy does what it does and is fit into the right places and the overall seriousness taken when the thought of The Crashin Movement is raised, allows for the more serious side to your RP.

I'm not sure on who has the stronger RP between yourself and Holmes (Lights didn't RP) and I'll base my choice on the fact that I find your RP slightly more memorable than that of Holmes.

Steven Holmes - The premise I liked and the interaction between you and your stable-mate (yes I did just indeed say that) is well-handled, with The Good Doctor taking a backstep with the questions, allowing for some more in-depth answers from yourself.

Your noting of past occurrences with both your opponents is good and I think this match will come down to that head to head between you and Toyota as obviously, J. Lights didn't RP. You won't get pinned or made to submit but I don't think you'll win, however, it's a close decision and at the end of the day creative make the decisions not me. I think you could use the win in order to boost Holmes and the Movement headed into KC.
 
Constantine:
Good set-up with the BPWA thing. I liked how Constantine is basically trying to one-up Showtime by being deceptive as well, just in a different way. Headstong was a clever little dig at Austin Reynolds. You focused well on both the Cougar situation and your feud with Reynolds, and there was a strong finish with your rant on Ty. I would say this is your best for awhile. I liked this and it got back to what I like about the character. Should be a tight match.

Ty Burna:
I liked that you were starting to channel more inner rage as you prepare for Kingdom Come. Serafina being scared was a nice touch. You talk well about Constantine and that lead seamlessly into dialogue about Showtime. I particularly enjoyed this line:

It is time to pay for your sins and indiscretions John. And I am more then happy to make you suffer for each and every one of them. While I have no relationship with Mr. Reynolds, I will make you pay for your cowardice and pathetic attacks against his associates.
Click to expand...

It reflects the character well and shows just what Ty is all about. Overall a strong RP.

Chris Beckford:
Really enjoyed this one. The interaction between yourself and Stacey worked very well here with Beckford having to once again state why he deserves to be champion. I like the Beckford character and I think you really showcased him well in this RP. A good RP that I think will get you the win and keep you as champion.

Brad Bomb:
I liked how, despite the win last week, you still set yourself up as the underdog. I think that was what was needed here. I wasn't really sure what to think about the more aggressive talking towards the end. It seemed necessary but a tad out of character. I think this is a solid RP, but I don't think you're going to repeat your upset from last week.
 
Blade:
An excellent start to this tag team RP between yourself & Baez. Your speech about Chris Beckford worked very well. You brought up Bateman, adding some good continuity, and showed what I would think was a little bit of respect for Gordito & Reynolds. That worked well when it came to your partner Baez who it seems you have a lack of respect for. Overall a quality RP and a good jumping off point for your partner's RP.

Baez:
This RP was interesting. It was your first heel RP since the turn against Gordito so I was interested to see what you produced, and what you came up with was intriguing. It seemed at first like Baez was going to be more tweener than heel, but as the RP went on; Baez became more and more heel like, talking about how Gordito shouldn't be rewarded with championship matches. My only complaint was how well Baez and Blade seemed to get along following there brawl. Otherwise this was a solid effort.
 
Sam Smith:
There's some good here, and there's some bad. Let's start with the bad. Much like Dave, the tone of the RP changes, not gradually but suddenly and it doesn't work here. The 'Fuck you' bit seemed a bit out as well. Your writing is improving and your coming on. You're learning from your losses and are taking on board what your critics say. Not bad but room to improve

Mr. Baller:
I liked your opening. At the same time it did feel a tad out of place. Good to see you acknowledge that you were basically humiliated last week and are addressing that. I also like that you brought up Anita Dick, which is something I laughed at. I don't think you got the right balance between comedy and drama here and I thought it should've been more towards the drama side of things. Overall, pretty good.
 
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