RP Feedback Thread

[DirtyJosé]

KillJoy/Riaku: KillJoy most assuredly is synonymous with the Mayhem Championship. This is due to your writing, which captures the snarky rapid-fire stream-of-consciousness style ramblings of KillJoy well. He consistently feels like a main event whatever event he's on, and this promo is another one of yours that does that "big time" feeling perfectly.

 

[Coco]

I’m new to this whole review thing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Or take it as a fresh perspective, as I believe Lee put it once.

Also, no star ratings. I don’t play that.

Kurtesy/Crashin

Part 1:

-Fine job setting the mood in the shadow of Redemption, with the more level-headed of the two members of your team trying to get things back on an even keel.

-Great job capturing the chemistry between the two and the obviously poor temperament of Crashin.

-Could have done without the F-bomb.

-Could have done without a random “How does that make you feel?” when Kurtesy had no intention of stopping to let Crashin answer. And if Kurtesy did stop but no answer was received, that should have been noted before Kurtesy pressed on.

-While not doing much to directly address your upcoming match, you clearly set out a path you desire to follow now that Redemption is in the books. Simple, yet effective and a nice contrast to those who may do too much focusing on their opponent. You have the big picture in mind, or at least Kurtesy does, and it shows here.

Part 2:

-Less focus on the future, while briefly touching on a victory over Heavy Artillery, this was the end of FalKon’s promo. While I’m no expert on tag team RPs, I don’t feel like I should be seeing a brief extension of an RP I just read. To me, it doesn’t justify existing as its own individual post. If this were the end of FalKon’s promo, that would be fine. But standing on its own, I don’t like it.

-You can do better than this.

John Smith

-Very basic, to the point where it hurt the promo. It’s a rather bare, skin and bones promo. If that means anything to anyone. And who am I to say?

-The most positive thing I can say is that it showed how important the Mayhem belt is to Smith. He’s willing to overlook a capable opponent in the name plotting his success within the division. You’ve successfully instilled in him a sense of purpose, which has to be something you make core in your promos if you’re willing to overlook your opposition.

-Needs more character. One week he's drunk and down on himself, the next week he’s chipper and good to go... There’s an imbalance here that shouldn’t have been dropped or overlooked. Where did his issues go? Why aren’t they showing themselves on camera like they were in weeks gone by? “Blip on the radar” might be acceptable if you’d taken those issues and replaced them with something, but you haven’t. As a result, this promo just came across as hollow and devoid of identity. This could promo could belong to any random character in the fed.

-I say this not to be mean, but so that you can tackle the issues in future promos. Not overbearingly though. And for goodness sake, make sure you can get second and third opinions to help you out going down the line.

Steven Holmes

-WZCW has a few rich guys. Not to be riding you about it or anything, but you could do more to distinguish yourself. Champaign, “golden sheets,” and five-star hotels? Yawn. Don’t even get me started on the music selection Doesn’t every other fictional rich guy that springs immediately to mind flaunt that sutff? You’ve got to be able to think of some absolute crazy shit that a rich guy in 2010 can spend money on to distinguish himself, especially in the realm of fiction. Use it. I get that you’re elite and snobby, but I’m not sure if that’s enough for me.

-I sorta enjoyed the flower thing. It’d be a nice touch to have in any promo.

Wasabi Toyota

-You have a knack for the visual, or at least for laying out stand-out situations that capture the imagination. A nervous Toyota is easy to visualize, as is a babbling, obsessed, CONVULSING Toyota. A Toyota who goes from uncomfortable to feeling right in his element in an instant after losing his clothes is also a very strong visual. I’m not sure if that counts for anything, but it sure made your promo read well.

-He feels strongly about justice, or something, and you did a good job establishing that.

-Liked the way you dealt with body image issues.

-You’re a keeper. And I’m not just saying that because... You know...

Rodney McClain

-I understand that he’s a pothead, but does the average pothead really keep whole plants just lying around?

-I’m legitimately asking. I don’t know.

-Applause in an empty room? I’m assuming you mean he’s getting canned applause from a laugh track of sorts.

-The way you justify how different kinds of weed will help you in battle was well done. And mellow. Dude.

-Okay. I know nothing of your subculture.

-Flirting with women was explicitly advised against. Although you only gave her back her underwear, so you’re ahead of the game on this one. Well played.

-The panties needed more description.

-Your awful diet is a great aspect of your gimmick. Keep it.

-I’m normally not picky about such things, but you could be more diligent in your use of full stops. It would help the flow of your promos.

-I liked this more than some might have expected me to. Potential exists.

Gordito

-Great energy. He seems excited to be there and it comes off well. He’s defined himself as a great guy.

-I like the nicknames you gave a couple of your opponents. Did you come up with those or were they already there? (Not looking it up...)

-You referenced the energy you get from the pit, setting yourself out and tying it back to your upcoming match. Well done.

-You write well by internet standards.

-The little bit at the end where Becky is surprised by what your natural environment offers was a nice touch and capped things off well.

-I can dig it.

MORE TO COME.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Hunter Kravinoff

It's great to see that you haven't lost a step with your return considering the use of your character. How you have handled Hunter in this promo is pretty top notch, and his interview with Leon is well done. The best way to conduct interviews in WZCW would be to get straight to the point, as you did when Leon and Hunter met. The information divulged in the interview was all relevant and well spoken, making you three for three in Lee's "standardised RP test," which just in case you don't know its:

A) Character Development
B) History
C) Upcoming Events

There is a couple of issues that I found quite weird. Firstly being the entire introduction of Leon Kensworth driving to meet Hunter. I feel as that how thing could have been erased as it did not add anything, apart from great description and a prologue, to the RP. Unless the description is needed, then there is no need for it. Maybe start where Leon gets out of his car at the dead of night rushing and checking his watch could have implied what you were intending with the current opening you have submitted. I'm not knocking it, though it was irrelevant to the RP.

Secondly, writing Leon Kensworth and Hunter Kravinoff every time they speak is very unnecessary. All of us can read an RP without these indicators and there are a couple of ways you can deal without writing the characters names everytime.


1) When you introduce a character that will speak, like Hunter, bold and highlight their name in the colour you will be using for them to speak with. So everytime you see that colour, it's Hunter talking. Then Leon can be another colour.

2) Simplify the names by writing either initials or nicknames that everyone can understand, like HK:.

3) Use dialogue to distinguish who is who. When Hunter is talking, make him mention the other person Leon in his first sentence and visa versa for Leon. Then the reader will pick up from there.


Conclusion:

Excellent RP, though the prologue and continually typing the speakers names is unnecessary. I'm pretty sure that you have this one in the bag.

 

[DirtyJosé]

Doug Crashin: I read your post about possibly wanting a different character, and it made me a little sad. I think there is plenty of ground to cover with Crashin, especially being teamed with Kurtesy. But if you're out of steam, you're out of steam. It seems that it's been a long, hard time for many of the RP'ers recently, so I'm hoping that next time around you'll be refreshed and ready to make up for lost ground. I think there is a lot of room for growth with Crashin.

Max Karzai/Doc: It's a little short, but utilizes some classic imagery of the self destructive rockstar, which I dig. Classic is good if you can do it right. I liked the tying in of Kurtesy, and giving that feud another level of personality. Karzai seems to be quite the tortured artist at the moment, and I can't wait to see more of where that is going.

Hunter Kravinoff/Coco: You don't need me to tell you this, but I will anyway: you have impeccable sense of comedic timing, and your dialogue flows wonderfully. I missed Hunter's first go at WZCW, so this is a fresh introduction to me, and already I can picture the guy. What sells me on him is that he's believable as either the world traveling hunter he claims he is, or as the lunatic trying desperately to pull one over on everybody. I look forward to seeing more of him.

 

[Coco]

Karzari

-You did a good job establishing your frustration over Redemption as well as reminding us who the cooler head between you is.

-You made a misstep, IMO, when you abandoned your conversation with Lights and started talking directly to Heavy Artillery. It could have played well if you’d mentioned that you were looking into the camera or something, but it read as though you were ranting at Lights as though he’s a proxy for your opponents. Am I mistaken here?

-This was a step down for you, but judging from your comments in the discussion thread, you know this.

Blade

-You pushed the dog away?! Bastardo. Heel tactics at your parents’ home. Shame on you.

-Goodish promo.

-I kid. T’was good. Blade pushes his parents away in hopes of getting his life on track while showing a great moment of vulnerability when he couldn’t handle his mother being worried about him in the kitchen. Or at least that’s what I saw. Can’t wait to see where it goes from here.

-The second part really clarified why you went home, just in case some people didn’t catch on. So it went with the rest of the promo very well.

-Not sure how much the running monologue added. Your facial expressions, pauses before entering rooms, sudden outbursts, etc. conveyed everything you were going for well. I think hearing a few voice-overs in this promo for what you used them for would have caused the promo to cross over from semi-decent drama to something much lamer. That’s my only complaint.

Titus

-When I imagine the ideal post-PPV face champion promo after a major title defence, this would be it. Most of the promo is spent giving a sense of closure to events that have come and gone, and rightfully so. That’s done and you’re ready to start a new journey as the Unified Champion. This promo set the tone for that nicely.

-Nice moment throwing the belt off the bridge. It’s been done, but you know it and play that off well.

-Brief mention of Blade, looking forward once again, in step with the tone of the rest of your promo.

-Nothing to write home about, but it did what it needed to.

Phoenix

-Pretty basic, but you hit all the bases you wanted to. “Garth won, but did he really?/I’m gonna hurt Baker and his division/ I’m onto bigger and better things.” Nothing offensive at all but not a tonne going on. Not that it’s needed at the moment. Your actions at the PPV spoke volumes. Although that’s really nothing to do with your RP. So I'm not sure why I'm saying it.

James Baker

-Nice job playing in front of Becky like there’s no heat between the champs. Smoooth.

-Do people really hold their title belt in the air in the locker room?

-You touched on the past and your opponent rather well. Could have done without the swearing, but I guess that’s what Ghetto Stars do.

 

[Lee]

Just a mod note here, this thread is for feedback ONLY, asking for feedback and thanking for feedback is NOT to be done in this thread and will be issued with an infraction as this is a non spam section of WZCW.

 

[Showtime]

That was very by the book Lee, well done. But I think the friendlier thing to do would've been to also give the man some feedback. So USA hear you go...

I really liked the RP. I noticed right away the general speaking in a different way. Less strict and concrete. There were pauses and thoughts and uncertainties. I like how she provides a tiny window that USA could do the unthinkable one day and turn. To be aggressive. USA is very confident right now and on a roll. And I like how he's determined to stick to his beliefs and fight with honour, makes him inspirational of sorts. John Cena with actually marine cred. Content wise it was good and the dialogue felt smooth. I have read many of your RP's and I've never enjoyed reading them as much as I've enjoyed reading your last 5 or so. Your improvement has been stellar. Keep up the good writing.

 

[gd]

Killjoy - Not as good as your last one, I must say. The random outbursts seemed somewhat out of place and just strange. "Tastes just like piss" What is that? The chair thing was a decent enough idea and formatting was very nice, but I think you lose this one here.

Coco - Quite good. I'll have to agree with whoever said the beginning was pointless, since it kind of was. A boy can only read so much, you know. The references to your past and adventrues amongst the wild are thouroughly enjoyable, as are the hints you may be faking. Great setting as well. I believe you may be in for great things in this company, once you join with the right people.

 

[a0161613]

Karnage: Decent. It comes a bit out of nowhere and may have benefitted from a real build but it ties in with the OOC stuff.

Everest: I don’t like the interview but you do it better than anyone, due to simple practice I guess. The description was fantastic at the start but needlessly dried up. If you had carried that on, it would have been a fantastic RP, even if you didn’t need it

Pheonix/Big Dave: Love that opening line. I don’t really understand your gimmick by reading your RPs but it doesn’t matter too much. Your dialogue is a real treat here – people should take note – and this makes yet another great RP of yours.

Tough match to call.

Showtime: Great RP. As always, you mould a superb face dialogue and you really feel his trials and tribulations, along with determination. Brilliant theme with the water too.

Ty: Another great RP, Great description, a very dark and menacing promo and half an eye on Vengeance. Great stuff.

Another tough match to call.

FTS: One of my favourite posters here and not someone I would immediately connect with fedding. But your face style has improved so much and you deserve all rewards you get, because as one of the more “popular” posters who have tried their luck here (not naming names but it wont take a brain surgeon), you have stuck around and made the character work.

I haven’t picked these guys out for any special reason but these are the standard that is set here and every one of the guys in the Mayhem and tag divisions who I fed back a few days ago could do a lot worse than read some of these RPs

 

[a0161613]

SC/Lights: Decent RP. Nice display of chemistry within the team and a confident and focussed promo.

 

[Super Crazy]

Austin Reynolds : Great RP. I like your style, and as I'm sure you've seen written before, it is one of a kind. I like how you touch bases with everyone going on, with the match from Redemption, the match for tonight, Karnage's friend Marty. Good work.

 

[ABMorales787]

Steven Holmes/FunnyKay :

You really set up the scenery well. I did find it amusing and clever how you tried to cover up the loss to Gordito. Jumping the gun to win a title is always good for a rookie to do. It shows confidence. It was short but very to the point, no loss for words and you pick your words in a way that is believable to your character.

***

 

[ABMorales787]

Chris Beckford/Leeds Guy:

The RP felt great. You put your carrier in comparison with HA who debuted with you and how they have been more successful. However it had quite a few noticeable grammatical errors. You also didn't really talk much about Blade. He's your opponent, but all you really said was how he might be another "obstacle" to become Elite X champion. Although in hindsight, it shouldn't matter much as its just a TV match. It might develop to something more though. The grammar errors are probably the only negative here.

***

 

[Showtime]

Steven Holmes

Good RP. You laid the scene out well and the whole interview process played out pretty smooth. You did a good job connecting the event with your opponent and making yourself look superior. There is one issue I'd like to mention, Tanya. We here would prefer that you use one of our four interviewers we have on staff, Leon Kensworth, Becky, Stacey, and Johnny Klamour. There is nothing wrong with once in a while using a made up character, but we have these 4 to use at your disposal and any one of them could've assumed the role of Tanya. You can find them in the Roster Page, where it tells you their personalities and you can decide which one you think would work best in your RP. Other than that, your RP was very good.

 

[ABMorales787]

Coco/Kravinoff:

Wow. Weird. It was weird. I have little to say about it. But it was... convincing, solid and very well written.

****

Blade/Blade:

A solid, textbook heel promo. I loved it. You did have a few noticeable errors in your grammar. However I feel you paid very little attention to Beckford. He's your opponent for the week.

***

Pimpin/James Baker:

I don't know. The whole Soulja Boy hate mail thing seemed pretty unnecessary. I'll say the same about the fan. I think the problem is that even though you RP was long, it really didn't say much. It didn't make much of a point until the very end.

**

Low_Ki/Scott Hammond:

I always like your formatting. It gives the read vibrance. The RP itself is very good. I don't know if you are heading for a face turn or not. If you are you are heading the right way. You did have one tiny grammar error.

****

 

[ABMorales787]

ZeroVX/Chris Jones:

*Unnecessary cursing. If this were to actually hit TV more than half of the promo would be clobbered in beeps.

*Beating up the guy. You got to the point. You don't like the "Punk" lifestyle. however, you're kinda imitating Punk. CM Punk. The disapproving of a free lifestyle, the assault on a random guy. It seemed a bit too much like CM Punks segment on Smackdown. Of course it wasn't exactly the same.

*The scenery and the way you explained it was nicely done. You explained how the camcorder was being used and handled by Chris in an understandable way.

*The only things I see wrong here are the excesive foul language and the similarity to CM Punks promos.

***

 

[ABMorales787]

Showtime:

I always knew Showtime had it in him to become a big deal. This promo showed why. It may be a bit "Rock" sided, but there is very little to trace other than the interrupting part. Everybody makes fun of the interviewer, even John Cena used to do it. To tell you the truth, I read this and it had me pumped. Shame this is written and not played out. Showtime David Cougar would be a great "mic technician".

*****

 

[a0161613]

Showtime: Hilarious RP, but with one fault if you were going for The Rock. Rocky never stood still. He was always doing something and so I hoped to see that reflected in your work, but there was mainly dialogue. It was good and funny like I said but I wish you had nailed the description.

 

[Super Crazy]

Showtime - Great RP. Very enjoyable, and I figured one day your character would take a Rock-esque turn. I actually like it, and I hope to see you continue with it. Great dialogue and good job talking about the match.

Chris Jones - I didn't really like this RP very much. I think you are still searching for that connection between yourself and your character and it shows in your RP.

Chris Beckford - I like this RP a lot. It just works really well. I like that you call Blade on his actions from last week. This is going to be tough as both RPs were good.

Blade - Same as Chris Beckford. This RP worked really well for you, and you touched on everything going on, and just like Beckford did with you, you called him on his actions from last week. Again this will be a tough one to decide on.

Baker - I just don't get it. The prologue makes sense and you really could have continued off of that, but instead you went with these random emails, the only one that made any sense and had a real point was the one to Karzai.

 

[Showtime]

Fuck guys. You're all doing such a good job with feedback, almost makes me have to give you all feedback. Sigh, here we go...

KillJoy

I liked it. I can tell you get a real kick out of your character, like you have him in your head. Sometimes I get that out of body experience with my own character. You've really found your niche with him and now that I really know what and who he is, I'm really enjoying him. I liked the opening impression of John Smith, funny and well paced, and then you dove into classic KillJoy rambling. He's the King of Hardcore and embraces it. The dialogue is flowing smoothly. The catchphrase is awesome. Character kicks ass, and you covered the match and history well. I had actually forgot you lost your first match to Smith, which makes our gaff with the Mayhem match at Redemption actually somewhat meaningful. Great RP KillJoy.

Reynolds

A solid RP champ. I understand what you mean in my feedback from you, you are amazingly good with your description and it really makes your RP's stand out well. As always said, great conversational dialogue. Some would question the relevance, which would mean the RP is lacking in detail. However, I find it also always shows the characters personality, thoughts, and feelings when blended with description, so in a way it's always building your character for us. However, that isn't quite enough defense in this RP. I felt you were light on Hammond and the match. You did a good job covering all the bases you were trying; Hammond, Mayhem, Blade, and your newly won Elite X title and it's meanings, but a little more in depth thought and interest could've added a little more to make this into a really great RP. Good Job Numbers

Hammond

Good RP. You rolled with the aftermath of the loss and the handshake well. The writing was good and you presented a interesting new side of Hammond. He has become humbled after this loss as opposed to enraged before. It makes sense for the character, as he is honourable towards a title, especially won he held. He understands the pride in holding the belt and understands how KillJoy feels now. You play it all out well. Your trash talking has also improved. Even though Hammond seems to be turning face, he still knows how to talk a rude mean talk. While I would've liked to see more blows about Reynolds weaknesses and failures in the ring instead of his birth place, theme music and other profile info, you did comment on the way he won his match, and how behind your tough hardcore shell, you are this great technical wrestler, something Reynolds didn't raise an issue in his RP. Great work.

 

[Father:_Polley]

Rare feedback... enjoy:

Killjoy: Funny, unusual and an interesting way to go. Liked the transition from mockery to threats. All in all, a solid piece

Pride of Toyota: Wow... that was awkward. Aside from the unusual complementing naked men and them blushing, the concept was good. I think you actually conveyed the awkwardness of the situation very well, hence the initial comment being a compliment. Impressive. I believed in it

 

[ABMorales787]

*Creepy smile* Guess who's back...

Just so you people know, last round I promised feedback and didn't do it. I'm making up for it this round.

Gordito/DirtyJose:


Next to Showtime's RP, this has been my favorite. It was great. 3 RP's and you've already solidified your character. Not to mention the awesome interaction with Klamor. I laughed hard reading the opening bit with him arguing with the driver. Keep it up. Your work is awesome.

*****

Phoenix/Thrilledher:

I liked a lot what you did here. You found the wrongs about being a soldier and really hammered USA character with it. It was very clever and unique. However it felt a bit face-sized due to you as "weak" and admitting you aren't perfect.

****

Phoenix/Big Dave:

It was a fantastic promo that shows you're not afraid of anything. I really can't find much to say about other that its was solid and will definably get the job done.

****

Doc/Karzai:

I think the one mistake you made was following Bakers e-mail thing. I already said it wasn't that good of an idea. I did enjoy the trash talk. It gave it something that was needed to stand out. Rock-like banter. It bring in well to your character.

***

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Okay, here we go:

Gordito: Nice work here. You've done your research on Klamor clearly and I liked the way you made it seem that he was well above the party as well as used his journalistic past. Gordito is really starting to develop. I liked the way you referenced the past.

Showtime: Nice work with The Rock references here. You could really tell you had fun writing this and that you knew where you were going with this RP. Overall, really well done.

Killjoy: Unique setting, interesting set-up and good execution. The pretending to be John Smith was well done and you set it up well. The Seabass stuff was also funny and you really know what makes your character work.

 

[a0161613]

KillJoy: I like the digs you took and it is written quite well. I do think you need to consider changing the settings for your RPs as these tend to be recycled. But it is funny if somewhat typical.

Falkon: Great RP; really enjoyed the character development and the use of Deserts was expertly handled to compliment this. Good promo and a great bit of work.

Lights/SC: You set up the story well. It is short and simple yet I didnt feel short changed. You give Karzai a great base on which to build off of.

 

[Super Crazy]

Phoenix : Excellent RP. I loved reading it. I liked your comparisons and how you used the military/guns to both pick apart Garth and USA. Also very heelish of you to belittle the US military to begin with, great work.

Burna-Vengeance : I'm combining both your RPs because of the flow between them. Once again you both pull out great works for your RPs. I love the tension between you two yet you two manage to still work together. I know I've said this before, but when reading your RPs , you can certainly feel the intensity. Great job.