RP Feedback Thread

[Viola Moonlight]

Austin Reynolds:

Like others have said, this is a well-delivered champion promo. Though the qualities in the RP are usually used by face characters, the added touch of cockiness and interaction with Hayley clearly indicates you are a strong and dangerous heel. I like it how Reynolds indirectly tells his own partner off about the belt's prestige to get the point across.

Not sure about the inverted comma's to indicate speech, considering most RPers just use colours to represent talking... but it works. Pretty good promo.

 

[Baller]

Kurtesy - Another solid promo from you. I like how you discuss your greatness in the tag division with Teach, and you know that you can not lose to a team who has never teamed before. A little on the short side, but you got the message across, and hopefully Doug will give you something good to give you guys a win, and don't leave the tag division as you bring the tag division credibility.

Solid Job as usual.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Mr. Baller:

Very good promo here, you've certainly improved again. I like it how you are still yourself even though you are in a tag team (where some people tweak their characters to fit the mold). The development of the Ghetto Stars is a strange one, but it works well. The verbal attack on Jordan Lights was solid, including the references and comparisons.

Excellent job.

 

[Showtime]

Some quick feedback before I head off to bed

Jordon Lights

Not a bad RP, but nothing extra special either. It seems your building towards some sort of inner anger, so that'll be interesting to see played out. One thing that bothered me was after your bike didn't start you called Kazari to pick you up and he said he'd be 20 minutes. The fact he arrived 3 minutes later didn't bother me, it was the fact you sounded worried you'd miss Ascension over needing to be picked up?!?, which could only mean, 1) it's the day of Ascension and your partner has already had his match, or 2) Jordon is really uptight and overly worried about everything. One thing to always look out for is to make sure the events, actions, and time fit properly in your RP. If it's days before obviously you won't miss Ascension by being picked up unless you happen to need to catch a last minute plane. Little things like that you need to be aware of. Otherwise the writing was fine. You acknowledged your shortcomings and did an alright job assuring us that you will succeed. It could've been better, but it was good.

Baller

One thing I noticed is you really come off quite heel with this one. I assumed Baller was in the process of a face turn and this sort of cocky attacking banter wasn't humourful or witty enough to come off as a face. That now being said, I like the tension you always display between yourself and your partner. Adds a bit of humour and makes for an interesting story between you to. You hit the confidence of Baller just right and some of the comments were pretty accurate to his character, but if you are going to continue to stay face, you may want to change the way you attack your opponent. Calling him Trash a bunch of times doesn't sound good coming out of your mouth and gets repetitive quick. Closing was strong. The RP itself was good, but you need to watch how your character sounds.

Edit - this is why ppl shouldn't do feedback pissed tired. I see know after a cup of folgers in my cup, what all the trash references meant. Not a bad idea. Certainly improves the RP now that I am aware, but you still came off a total heel.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

This is for the Contract Battle Royale:​

Jonnie:

Before I even get into the RP, here's a couple of things that you will need to improve ASAP when writing.

- Spacings. Every time you create a new paragraph, leave one line. ALWAYS. It makes it hard for all of us to read. If it's too difficult, most people won't bother.

- Colour-coding. Distinguish all speech texts with colours. One colour for each character mentioned in every RP. Doing this will differentiate between description and speech.

- Don't steal another person's RP idea. I can clearly see that you have copied Alexander Steele with the dates and the letter. Doing this shows that you are incapable of coming up with some RP ideas yourself. Making a unique RP that fits your character will get you over and make you rise to the main event level.


The rest of these are some friendly pointers that you can possibly take on board with your RP or not. Just some suggestions:

- For letters, use the [QUOTE][/QUOTE] codes and type the letter within these. This eliminates the use of assigning a colour and looks more presentable.

- Pulling out notes to tell you who you're opponents are isn't a good idea down the road. Considering this is a match where nobody (kayfabe) doesn't know who anyone is, it can be an acceptable tactic to make yourself look important. Later though, not so much. However, I will give you props for actually knowing who is in the match.


Apart from this, good starting promo. I'd give you the contract, so long as you fix your RP presentation mentioned in the first couple of points... and they are pretty easy fixes at that.



Rodney McClain:

- Spacings. Remember, one complete line between each paragraph, even if it is as small as this RP.

- Spelling and grammar are a must. We aren't grammar Nazi's, but this is English class. Every time you write something, spelling/grammar are always checked. One or two mistakes are fine, but multiple isn't.

- Way, way too short for an RP. Length isn't an issue, but with the amount that you wrote and considering that this is your second Contract Battle Royale you are competing in, it was wise to add some meat to this.

- Make sure you keep a record of your history. The only time you have RPed was last week, so why does Rodney say that you have let your fans down a few weeks ago?

- Its best if you research your opponents. Don't disregard multiple opponents with one singular quote that contradicts yourself. You claim that you can take Titus and the rookies are nothing, then why are you the only rookie from the previous battle royale to not get signed? Make sure you at least mention your opponents and do something with it.


All I can say, is that its an RP that you have submitted. You have done better than Granite/Tucker Graham by actually showing up. Still, its nothing to be proud of. Personally, I wouldn't give you a contract from this performance.


Alexander Steele:

Welcome back falconsault, my long lost cousin

That was a well-deliver promo here. Everything was of solid standard and I have nothing to complain about. Though you didn't attack people directly, you did group them collectively to take them down. Harder to pull off, but it was done well. Definitely a contract for you.

 

[Lee]

OK this is for the contract battle royale

I would give this to Steele, his was by far the best of the three. Context wise it was spot on and visually it looked rather nice.

Jonnie tried to copy Steeles RP idea (against the rules) and essentially just copied his competitors profile's. Ask Doug Crashin about this one, it doesn't go down well.

McClain poorly formatted, very short length, this is suited for a sample RP when you apply, not a one to win a contract.

 

[Leeds Guy]

Killjoy - I liked it, nice opening. Its the classic come to the ring RP but you make it work here. The imitating of John Smith was a nice touch although I feel it got old pretty fast. You finished up well though and set yourself up nicely for the match.

Jordan Lights - I liked the flustration, you're bitter about losing the belts which is understandable. I feel the owner would have been a bit more pissed off at you destroying his bar however. I also feel you could have spoken about your opponent in more detail. You kinda just passed over him. Overall though it wasn't a bad RP.

 

[DirtyJosé]

Figured I'd get some stuff rolling:

Steven Holmes: I'd love to have seen a little more of this, but it's not too short or anything. I dig "Aristocracy Reigns!" as a catchphrase of sorts. It's great that Holmes already has a goal of taking the Eurasian title, and he does a great first start at why he is worth considering in that division. The mention of last week's match brings out a bit more from Holmes than we've seen before and makes him feel more real. He does a great job convincing both us and himself of what he's saying, and you do a good job of executing this.

KillJoy: KillJoy is on a roll these days. He feels like a centerpiece to whatever program he's on. Essentially this is a great face promo, and the segment to begin it with the mockery takes the total piss out of your opponent. KillJoy likely carries this one.


More to come?

 

[DirtyJosé]

Pride of Toyota:

Hunter Kravinoff: Hunter walks a fine line between brilliant and crazy. Actually, he's about 5 feet to the wrong side of that line. It is very entertaining to see Hunter's effect on the people he talks to because they know the same thing: this man is wildly insane, but potentially very dangerous. You do a wonderful job of keeping up this intensity with the character. Most importantly for this RP, you do a very convincing job of rationalizing why the two of them should partner up. Like a proper hunter, Kravinoff knows exactly what bait to use...

Wasabi Toyota: I was hoping you would continue the memoirs. This is a great counter piece to Hunter's RP. Where Coco was able to make the pitch perfectly as to why you should be a team, it's Toyota's inner dialogue that seals the deal, so to speak. Also well done has been the development of Toyota; each RP has been a very solid step in defining this man, as well as already growing beyond the character he was when you started. I always love reading a Toyota RP.

To be continued?

 

[DirtyJosé]

La de dah~

Dr. Kurtesy: It's a rare thing to be able to show your guy as vulnerable and at the same time paint him as a threat. You've pulled it off great with Kurtesy. The mood and the events show very well that Kurtesy has had a very rough time of it lately, and that he's indeed very passionate about WZCW. Of the many storylines progressing in WZCW recently, Kurtesy is one I intend to keep my eye on.

Max Karzai: One thing that you do very well it seems is develop a concept or theme for an RP and weave that influence in and out of the work. Karzai is still seemingly isolated and broody, and it's very clear that you want those belts back. I'll admit some bias in appreciating the tie in with Ronnie James Dio.

And it goes on and on my friend?

 

[DirtyJosé]

It's not ever gonna stop!

Blade: All I can say is wow. Since his match at Redemption, Blade has been on fire. You put up a great RP with intensity from Blade pretty much from the get go. There is a good balance between your focus on the guys like Titus and your match for the week. And you not only put yourself over as the rightful winner of the match, but you cut into the face qualities of the opponent in a way that only a good heel can do.

Jordan Lights: My only complaint is that it's a little short. But it does it's job quite nicely. Lights and Karzai are jonesing for those belts back bad, and the image of Lights driving through an empty desert sorting out his recent problems is fitting for the character. There is a lot of chaotic energy in your team presently, and I'm curious to see it play out. Keep it up!

Ain't no stopping me now?

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Gordito:

Apart from a few grammatical/spelling problems, even though most of the RP involved a lot of complexity and some of the best English I've seen thus far, this was an excellent RP coming from a new guy. The interaction between you and JK was well executed, allowing both them to sustain some comedy, keeping the reader interested. The amount of speech by Gordito was just right, nothing too overbearing.

I'm not really a fan of how you are representing how is speaking by only colouring the names and leaving regular speech as the default black (it can get a little confusing sometimes as to who is talking). But, it works.

I'm going to keep my eye on you, because you are doing very well and are seemingly keeping an eye on me.

 

[gd]

Killjoy- Quite good. In fact, probably the best I've read of yours thus far. The whole kickassery thing and all those jokes are amusing if nothing else. Dressing up as someone is always high comedy as well. Even if your opponent showed up, I don't think you'd have lost here.

Falkon - Deep stuff, man. It's not easy to make a RP really emotional and stuff. In fact, I'm not even sure if it's possible. Nonetheless, this was pretty intense and seems like the first step of a new beginning for you in WZCW or something along those lines. Solid work.

Crashin - Started off well with the description and all, but it literally went nowhere. Also, you character looks quite weak with his inability to hold his liqour (liquor? how do you spell that?)

Showtime - This was aiight. A little long for my tastes, but not big deal. I was a little confused as to why the crowd was chanting for you if you were a heel. This is the first RP I've read of yours, so I could be missing something. An attack on Crashin is also pretty low, yet effective at the same time.

Lee - Great as always. Short, sweet, and to the point. Tying in the whole superhero thing with your current title run and further aspirations worked really well. I dug it.

Vengeance - Awesome stuff. You definetly have one of the more interesting characters in the entire Fed and continue to bring it every week. I'd assume that you're likely to get a title shot in the near future with the way things are going.

Ty Burns - Even awesomer than Vengeance. Playing off your previous match as meaningless worked really well and you also came off as a badass motherfucker. The sexual tension between the two ladies was simply fantastic as well. I think you guys have this match in the bag.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Wasabi Toyota:

I'm really digging this heel/face tag team that both of you seem to have going. Makes for great storyline and something you guys can develop without getting bored or feeling like it gets stale. Great work in keeping a face alignment, but teasing a possible heel turn in the process. The most important thing you have done is used your characters background to portray these weird feelings you are having.

There is nothing to comment on except for the misspelling of my characters last name. The 's' and the 'e' should be switched, but many people make that mistake so no biggie.

Pride of Toyota is a team to watch out for and I believe you will sooner rather than later get the tag team championships around your waist.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Wasabi Toyota: The memoirs are very clever. The whole idea is an interesting one and your pairing with the Kravinoff is a (ir)regular odd-couple. Your character's pained past is interesting and I look forward to seeing more snippets of it.

Hunter Kravinoff: The whole idea is very weird but very well executed. The team as I said is a very odd one but could make a unique impact. The attention to detail you put in is excellent and other than that there's not much more I can say outside of what everyone else has said. Unique to say the least.

Steven Kurtesy: The call back to Ascension 6 was clever and fun and you set up your promo well. The overall promo itself is held together well and you can see a lot of passion in it.

Doug Crashin: It was inconsistent but when it was good, it was good. The whole segment didn't hold together well but there are glimmers of excellence in there. Overall, very inconsistent.

 

[a0161613]

Austin Reynolds:

Not sure about the inverted comma's to indicate speech, considering most RPers just use colours to represent talking.

I appreciate the feedback Falkon. The inverted commas are speechmarks and it's something I've always done. The formatting doesn't indicate speech, it merely highlights a character to me.

And as a self-admitted grammar nazi and failed journalist, I can't not do the speechmarks. It's just how I write.

Titus/Lee Very basic but it works. The dialogue is extremely solid and I love the superhero/villain thing. I do wish there was more description to flesh out the simple interview.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Steven Holmes:

- I think somebody already mentioned this to you, but there are four preset interviewers for the E-Fed. Unless you are at a press conference where multiple journalists are there then you don't need to create new interviewer. Also, interviewers don't get handed notes for things that are already known. They, as journalists should understand their interviewee beforehand.

Other than that, it was a pretty good promo considering you are new out of the blocks. I like the comparison concerning Big Dave and the museum you are set in. It's good to mention your past and current match very well, using your own character to describe them.

Good RP.

 

[Father:_Polley]

I've just done feedback for 4 groups and I lost it. I'm not re-doing it, but I remember my last one.

Beckford vs Blade - my main flaw with both was a lack of description. It became a back and forth dialogue, without any real feeling of emotion being shown at points.
Beckford's was funny, whilest I appreciated the anger of Blade at not being taken seriously. Well...he is still only the second best guy to never hold a belt.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Here's the feedback I promised. I won't use ratings, especially since I have two opponents in here and I don't want to give away my votes :

KillJoy: This was very well done. The comedy section at the start worked very well and it was pulled together very nicely with the section at the end. In all honesty, the only problem I saw is why would the TV commentator be at a house show? You could have easily used one of the interviewers or even a ring announcer in his place. It was very good though, shame your opponent no-showed.

Titus: Y'know, Lee, I liked this, but I feel like something is missing and I can't put my finger on what. The issue with the cockiness coming with the title is something that is definitely a trend, it seems, and you introduced it very well. I guess it was a case of an RP being good for anyone else, but I know you can do much better. I understand the circumstances, and I'm sure it was just an off week for the champ.

Mr. Baller: This RP was good enough, but it definitely isn't a face RP. I know your character is going from heel to face, but there is absolutely nothing in here to show that you are a face or even a tweener. Your interaction with Baker was totally heelish; your promo near the dumpster was totally heelish. I know it is harder to do face RPs than heel, I've done both with my character, but it really seems like you didn't even try to play a face in this one.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Here's the other three, same rules about ratings apply:

Max Karzai: I really enjoyed this. I know you said in the Discussion thread that you were struggling with ideas, but sometimes the simplest things work. You took what your opponent gave you, and did a very nice rebuttal and covered the history between you and this week's match. Like I said, very simple yet effective. The safer route worked very well here.

Blade: This was excellent. I really feel like I can read this RP and I totally understand your character, where he's at, where he's been, and where he's going. The rundown of who you've beaten was very well done as was the contemplation of who you will face. The only complaint is the gimmick infringement by using the Phoenix analogy you ass . In all seriousness though, this is an RP that I could show a rookie as an example of an RP that is about as close to flawless as you can get.

Jordan Lights: Now this is where I'm going to sound like a hypocrite, lol. In your partner's RP, I said the simplicity was good. This one, however, I felt was too basic. You touched on your character's anger at the start, and touched on the match this week during the promo part. But it felt like that was all you did was touch. I feel like if you would have gone farther with either of those parts, it would have been much better. Focus on one of those two things you touched on more and make it the focal point and it will gain that depth I feel that it really needs.

 

[gd]

Gordito - Fantastic, as always. You seem to have to face thing down perfectly. Impossible not to like your character. Nice use of Klamor and the enviornment fit your character perfectly. Great work.

Jones - Can't decide if this was really good or not good at all. I actually kinda like your character. However, I think it's been said before, but you kind of seem like CM Punk V2, which isn't terrible considering CM Punk's awesome, but you obviously don't want to be exactly the same. Kicking the shit out of that guy may have been a little over the top, but I liked it.

Lights - Both you and your partner seem to be losing your minds a little bit here, which is interesting at least. Overall I thought this was pretty solid as we got some insight as to how your guy was feeling as everything was going wrong and yadda, yadda, yadda. Good stuff.

Baller - Not sure why you and your partner are constantly fighting in every RP. Doesn't make you guys look very good at all. This wasn't great, nor terrible. Just there. Also, the Nate Robinson/Dwight Howard thing seems to have backfired on you.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Austin Reynolds: This was pretty good. You got across how important the title is to you and talked down to your opponent. This is another one that I felt was lacking some depth. I guess the issue with this one and Jordan Lights' RPs were that they both had a bunch of icing, but very little cake. There was a scene portrayed in the RPs, but not that much substance. Hopefully that analogy makes sense. This wasn't bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it easily could have been much better.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Steven Holmes:

I know you did it to a minimal, but making Leon look a bit worried about you at this point of your career is not really necessary. The man got captured and taken by Vengeance/Lars Reidar, the most scariest character here and stood up for himself. If he can do that, I'm pretty sure Leon isn't afraid of you.

That being said, this was a particularly interesting promo. It was well done and I can definitely see you being apart of the title scene very soon. That shake by Big Dave wasn't just a kayfabe thing, you'll do good here. I have nothing else to add.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Steven Kurtsey:

The idea that Sandy would suggest you leaving Crashin is clever and adds to your character and current story. Kurtsey showing a mean streak to Leon is nice and the 'interview' was fun stuff. Very deep and very intriguing.

 

[falconsault]

Steven Holmes

I know I've not written my roleplay yet, but I have to say that you put up a good roleplay. I hope that if the urge bites you, that you can put up another one of the same calibur after I post mine. That being said, there is only one thing I find wrong with your roleplay.

It's a simple line

Holmes: I almost feel sorry for him for you see, you will rue the day your mother gave birth to you. You face a thousand burning suns when I’m in that ring and you will feel the heat.

This line right here, my problem with it is the continuity of it. You started off talking directly to Leon and then seamlessly switched into talking to Alex. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should've at least had Steven say something along the lines of "Alex, you will rue the day..blah blah."

You know break up the speech so as to show the reader that you're talking to different people. I'm sure we all understand that you were, but someone simple might have mistaken that part of the promo as being aimed at Leon himself. Just a small suggestion, that unfortunately took me a long time to get out.

That is the only thing I see wrong with the roleplay, great job on it, just watch your continunity and you'll go far here. I hope this helps out.


Steven Kurtsey

I've got nothing bad to say about your roleplay. It's very well written and progresses your character's story, keep up the excellent work.