RP Feedback Thread

[Blade]

Lee:
I liked the idea for your RP, and the execution was solid as ever from you. It was clever and had some pretty funny moments. That dig at Baller was great, reminded me of the Rock's promo before the Royal Rumble 2000. And it's interesting to see that Titus' priority seems to be more about stopping the rWo than winning the Lethal Lottery match, which adds to the RP in a way. Good work overall.

 

[The Doctor]

Titus
I enjoyed it, but I'm not so sure about the way it was set up. You really lost me at places with the formatting. It was a good promo, and anyone who has an NPC use the Gerudo Valley theme is cool with me, but the formatting needed work in this case. Maybe it's a personal thing, though...
You also need to work on punctuation, as a lack of it had me working out what some lines meant. Not trying to be a grammar nazi here, but it detracted from the RP.
The Baller line made me snicker, though.

 

[Lee]

Blade:

v karnage

Highly impressed with this, having been in a long feud myself with two solid RPers recently I know what it's like to get to the point where you're essentially doing your last match for a while. This is hard to do, how do you do it? Like normal or a bit different. I'm glad you went for the second option, in order to beat the man you have to be the man. You went for a level that Karnage understood, and it worked amazingly. This will be one hard match to call.

LL

I'll start by saying I [referred your karnage RP, but writing two in a week can get pretty hard. I loved how you did it with Vance who is pretty underused. His character of being firm shone here. Great work on your reaction to Vance, your anger clearly welling against Karnage

 

[NSL]

Showtime - This was a terrific RP. Maybe the best of this week's. I love how you used my "joke" RP to start it off, and it set the stage well. You addressed everyone, and I have a good feeling the belt will stay with you longer than a few seconds, like the last 2 EurAsian champs.

 

[Blade]

Fratelli:
This was a pretty good RP. You involve the reader in your RPs in a really cool way, which you should keep up. I liked the way you have Zander doubting his ability as a champion. It's a pretty smart as an idea, as there is a lot of pressure that comes with being champion.
The speech at the end was ok. But I think it was laid out wrong. You talk about yourself, then talk about Frankie, then you talk about both your opponents, then you go back to just talking about Frankie. It just didn't make much sense.
But apart from that, it was good.

 

[The Doctor]

Showtime
I...didn't really like some of it. It was a good RP, talking about your opponents, but some of the diction used was inneffective. I can't exactly put my finger on it. It was great, but it could have been so much more if you had been able to read through it again and change some words around. The language used just...didn't work very well. It gave off some feeling that I didn't like.

 

[The Doctor]

Blade:

v. Karnage: Fantastic. That's how I would describe it if I could only use one word. I really enjoyed your use of the scene and the quotes. I really got a feeling of how important this match was to you. Truly awesome.

Lethal Lottery: As has been said before, it's good considering you don't know if you're in the match or not. I really, really like how it's like the second part of a two part RP, and that was really...cool. Yeah, cool, that's how I'll describe it. I love your characterization of Bateman, and the jab at Baller was amusing. Really good.

 

[Blade]

Doc:
I know you've only just started RPing, so I wasn't expecting a master piece. You're doing well developing your character and figuring out which direction to go in. But I think you should be using your gimmick alot more in your RP's. I know that's slightly hypocritical of me, as I don't use the destiny gimmick much in my RPs. But that's cause my strengths are other things, I use original ideas and I tell stories, my gimmick is a secondary aspect of my character.
But you have such a great idea for a gimmick that you should be pushing the hell out of it, there's no limit to the amount of material you could come up with the rock star gimmick, heel or face. The texting the fan thing at the start seemed a little tacked on, I was expecting a little more to be honest.
But I know it's one of your first RP's, so I understand you're not gonna know your character and his gimmick inside out. You have alot of potential, and I'm gonna be keeping an eye on Max in the future and hopefully we'll be having some kind of feud eventually!

 

[Showtime]

Trevor Steel (EurAsian)
Amusing to say the least. I don't normally condone writing RP's in other matches for fun or not to be taken seriously, but hey at the least it plants seeds for a potential feud if I play off it, which I did. Establishes Trevor as crazy again, which is good as you've played sensitive, excited and appreciative for your chances here a little too much of late.

(LL match)
This was epic. One of the best I read for the LL match. It had a ton of emotion and really described your loyalty to WZCW. You are above making money and titles and it showed. You gave reason that the other wrestlers should be afraid, that your not here to cash cheques and make names, your here to be the best and win..... for yourself and your child. I think you'll have a strong showing here.

Karzai
It was a good RP, nothing great, but you're new so they will get better. I thought it was a little on the short side. The first part gave a bit of identification with your character. Reading your bio, you say you make time for your fans, so the beginning made sense but you could've gone into greater detail about yourself and your connection with the fans. Your a shock rocker, but you seemed a little too laid back. Maybe I expected you to be jumping off the walls, I don't know. Your attacks on me were good, but again I thought they were lacking a little. You told me to be afraid, but didn't say why I should. You said you'll play to my tactics, but didn't comment how or what you'll do. You sounded tough, but I didn't imagine an anger or raw emotion from your speech. The line at the end was great spin on my character, but on a whole I felt your RP was good, but too vague.

Jordon Lights
Not a bad RP. It was paced well, nothing seemed crammed or rushed. You gave a bit of history on yourself which is good. Your rant on me was good, but I felt it at times put me over too much and seemed contradictory, especially since you are a face. You say that I need to learn I am no better than anyone here, are you saying than that you're better? I never really heard more about it. You really took me lightly I felt, and saying I was a flash in the pan, well I think my character may have been in WZCW too long to say that, that's something to say to Mr. Baller. More description on what you'll do to me, and how you'll counter my 'cheating' ways would've added more to your RP. The last paragraph had a lot of energy and build, which made it end well. All in all good RP, just some minor things to iron out.

Titus
Great RP. I don't know a lot about El Guerreo (seems a lot of people are searching for former WZCW stars in the last few weeks), so it didn't have a profound effect on me. Seeing him is to make sure that you get past rWo. While that is your feud right now, you didn't really push much on yourself winning and seemed unconcerned about any other opponents. That I felt took a little away, but then again you don't want to list off too many opponents so it was smart to target a few. Nice Baller joke. It was an entertaining read, but for things I feel make strong RP's, character push, proper assessment of opponents, and planning out how you'll win, there wasn't a whole lot of. However, you made your current storyline feud the centre and most important part of your RP, so for that you did a very good job. Writings solid and Titus is enjoyable.

 

[Blade]

Pheonix:
Wow, that was a really great RP. The (internal) dialogue was done perfectly, showing Dave's internal conflict of whether he should go for glory or let his friends have it. Great job. And it's an interesting approach to take, cause we're led to believe that heels have no conscience, but Dave obviously does. And the ending with the phone call from your tag partner was a stroke of genius. I don't think there's anything at all you could've done to improve this RP, in my eyes you could possibly win the Lethal Lottery match.

 

[Showtime]

Reverse random order begins with.....

Blade
Great RP for your match with Karnage. You did a good job going full circle with the feud, bringing in the past and tying it all to your upcoming match. The quotes were a nice touch and added something to your character Blade that we don't see much. The ending was nice with the effigy of Karnage and lighting it on fire, however the one thing I didn't like was how quickly it wrapped up from there. Rather than having it light up almost instantly, it would've made a good time to give a proper closing remark to your RP, something to compare the burning alive of Karnage to what it will be like in the ring. Decription and dialouge's were good and man, your going to get lung cancer by Kingdom Come with all those smokes. Great job.

Second one was alright, not as good. I like the shout outs about me in both of them. Your emphases of 'Sir' was funny and reflected your character well. There wasn't a lot about the actual match or other opponents which did take some away from it. You sold yourself well, but didn't leave us with the thought that you'll have any better chance of winning it than... well... Mr. Baller. BTW, loved the Baller's got nothing on me. While connected, the two RP's didn't match with your characters mood and seriousness and felt awkward, kinda each taking away a bit from the other. Still, a good RP.

Karnage
Strong RP. The journal entry was another strong piece of writing. While Blade was fairly light on putting himself over, you more than made up for it for him by pushing him to the moon. However, what makes yours better is you were able to put over yourself as well. You paint this match out well as not just a match for the number 30 spot, but also as a cultimation of your guys feud, and even so far as to say it will make and break one of your careers. I'm not gunna lie, the journal entry was long and probably could've been cut a bit, but who am I to talk about cutting stuff out. The appearance of Sanna was a good surprise from my perspective. You come off looking very strong in this whole RP with the prospect of only becoming a stronger monster come your match.

Second RP was also outstanding. You leave nothing to the imagination as you explain the whole story of you and Blade and yourself in WZCW well. I can literally stop telling you your writing is outstanding because it always is. Much like how Lars reinvents himself tri monthly, you've presented Karnage as more powerful and dangerous than before. This is a very good job as you try to push your way up from middle card to upper card. Word of caution though is you can only re-invent and improve yourself so many times, so again you don't want to fire off all bullets at once, but with your 2 RP's, this was a great time to do it. Great job.

Big Dave
Solid RP man. I remember when you first started I commented that your character lacked...well... character and an identity. I think you've come a long way from that and built a good cocky heel. Your like a cross b/w Rhodes and DiBiase, that is how I picture you. I really liked how you feel confident heading into LL, but you still have a dilema, what to do about you and rWo? You paint the picture well. I like how you go back and forth, between what will happen if you win, and what will happen if you stay loyal. There's a break up that will happen down the road, and I like the hints and questions you're leaving as we head to it. Solid writing.

 

[TheDandTheV]

Trevor Steel

LL
This my favorite RP you've ever written. It had a ton of emotion and you were able to get me in to the RP. I also like how you showed an emotional side to trevor, instead of the enthusiastic rocker.

EuroAsian
This was a fun read. It was funny and I enjoyed it. Not much else to say about it that others haven't.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

After that log-in issues being resolved, here is the second batch. If it ain't here, check the first batch. Otherwise, it was a good RP that I had no problem with.

NOTE: These RP's are being judged without reference to the Log-In Issues, so bear that in mind when you read the following.


EurAsian Match (Champion & "Comedic Piece")

Showtime, this was an RP that has enough pull to keep you as the Champion. But I do indeed stress the word "enough" as this was not really the best I have seen. Firstly, I can see multiple spelling mistakes throughout the entire RP (mainly spelling the names of Wrestlers wrong). I do like how you have enforced the fact that you are the ONLY EurAsian Champion, which was a good idea. But the talking of the opponents... it seems like a bit of a Word Wall. I understand you were on the Show ranting and that you have multiple opponents to address... but you commented on how bad it is to "attack" you in our RP's, why do it in your own? It would have been to briefly mention the challengers and talk more about how you are the dominate champion.

Trevor, Comedic RP? This was far from it. All I can see coming from this RP is a feud with Cougar (for the championship, assuming he does win it). It'd be interested in seeing this match happen at Kingdom Come. I also see how you have gone to your character roots again and reaffirmed Steel's identity.


Number 20 Spot Match:

Blade, this was a good RP that did its purpose. "Slow and steady" rule is in effect here. I liked the touch with the multiple quotes from different era's. You had me until the fire at the end of the RP. As for Karnage, good RP as well. The middle bit where you described the destination was useless and you could have included the key details in the second area in the first/third part.


Elite X Match:

Zander, this RP seemed very rushed to try and get completed. The start was good and the introduction of the James character was a little odd for a PPV RP. Some spelling mistakes as well as weird paragraphing. The whole thing was all over the place. The rant about the match was, well... a rant. You did point out about Frankie, but hardly addressed USA and both USA/Smith at the same time. Wasn't effective for me.

Frankie Smith, not bad at all. A good performance that addressed both opponents... moreso Young than USA, but still good. I like the back story to influence it as well. Wasn't memorable, but good enough for the win. USA, check your use of colours. Like Smith's, it was a good performance but nothing memorable.


Third batch will consist of all Lethal Lottery RP's except for the first three submitted (from Blade onwards).

 

[Steamboat Ricky]

Blade: Dude, awesome RP. The length was just right for my liking. Really long RPs suck. People criticize my RPs for being short a lot. Well, the goal of an RP is to make a point, tell a small story, and get out. If an RP is long, you lose the audience's attention. Over exaggerated descriptions of environment can make RPs long and dull, and you provide just enough description to give our imaginations a start. Props on finding a good balance.

Also, the quotes RULED. Shows that some thought was put into the RP. Now, thought doesn't always mean that you plan out your RP systematically. I rarely do that. Often, I shoot. But bringing in other material to compliment what you have going on is always a plus.

Man...I really like your RP a lot. I'm excited to see what else you are going to bring to WZCW.

 

[Blade]

Ricky:
Pretty good RP. Like you, I'm a fan of the short n sweet RP's. As long as you get the message across, there's no need to ramble on for ages. You got your messages across: rWo will destroy you It's pretty entertaining as an RP, your characters new attitude comes across well. I don't know if it's harder to write an RP just after you character has completely changed, but you've done it well. Not the best RP you've ever done, but I'm guessing you're well aware of that. Overall, it was pretty good. Just try not to be influenced too much by the actual nWo in future

 

[Lee]

Mr Baller I gave you feedback on your RP, but here I want to go with the character idea of things.

You need to establish a character and keep with it. At the end of the day your character at the moment is that of a 'comedy jobber' and that's been unfortunate. You want rid of that? Fight back in your rps.

The fist thing is is to not act like a jobber. Think about this, you had a party for winning a match? That screams jobber to me.

The next thing is I feel you need to work on the basics of rping, you've got some really good ideas but they just don't seem to gel for some reason. So what does that need?

Do a few basic interviews, it may seem tedious but it gets you practice in, I mean if you look at me I still do basic interviews and it works well.

The other thing is a question...Who is Mr baller? What did he do before WZCW? What made him become a wrestler? Do you know that yourself? The important thing is to get into the characters head. Look at those who do...Titus, Everest, Steel, Bratchny, Ricky and Cougar. All really good rpers yet all seem to know who their characters are and what makes them tick.

 

[Baller]

Titus: Great RP, I love the story between you and the RWO and I can't wait to see what happens with you and them. I like how you used El Guerrerro in the RP, the only thing I didnt like was the Mr. Baller joke but other then that great job from the head man of the company once again

 

[Here Comes The Payne]

Titus: This was definitely a great RP. The rivalry between you and the rWo is very unpredictable. And it was cool how you used El Guerrero to try to figure out Steamboat Ricky's weaknesses. The dream sequence of this was also funny. What I didn't like, however, was the use of Stacey. It seemed like she was a dumb blond. Stacey is a very smart and serious character. Having her call you the "actor-y, superhero-y guy" seems out of her character. So does her saying "Que?" also seems out of her character. Besides this, you had a great RP, as always. Definitely strong enough to win the LL.

 

[Lee]

Corey Payne

I really Like Payne, he has a good character.

The opening paragraphy was amazingly good. Seriously the emotion felt amongst the superstars was great. I also liked the feeling of anguish that Payne was feeling at this. I liked how Leon interviewd your trainer too, it was essentially the same as earlier but from a different perspective which I loved.

I guess I have to do a negative thing...my pet hate is when the crowd pops in an rp. Dunno why I just dislike it, but all is good on the RP. Keep up the good work man.

 

[Phoenix]

As I said I would, sorry for the delay

Blade:

I'll feedback them as one, but as a continuity based over the two, this was brill. The dark intensity of how this rivalry has got to you really showed superbly in the first RP and then you remind us how you are the good guy, in a cocky way, for the second part. You capture Bateman as I do, similiar to Vince McMahon and he's not as used by most RPers. The first RP was the better part because of the raw emotion, but it was the one needed to get into the Lottery Match and the second RP re-assured us of why you deserved to be No. 20. Great work, look forward to seeing how your RPs build towards Kingdom Come.

Showtime

I liked this RP, first thing which the only negative bit I'll say is that it did drag on, but it's understandable because you wanted to response to each of your challengers, that's fair enough and is a positive there. You took each RP done and made it your own, even the Steel RP, this has been one of your strengths for ages, you can come up with the comeback. What I also liked about this RP is how it was reminding us of how you got to this point, you've ended careers and beaten records to get the belt. You note of the flaws with how it has only been defended for a total of a minute in WZCW history until the LL. Given the situation with Drake led to this, you managed to put yourself into a great position as it was a last minute choice, and you show why you are one of the best RPers, great stuff again just got to cut it down (but you won't be in this again so it should be fine).

 

[The Doctor]

Mr. Baller:
I'm putting that big to make sure you read it. This isn't feedback on any particular RP, but on you, and your character.
You really need to pick a character and drive it home. Get into his head, and think about what needs to be done.
The way I see it, you have two options here. You could either go what I call "The Zack Ryder Way", or you could become the full serious heel.

The Zack Ryder Way is the way I'd rather like to see. I call it this, because of (obviously) Zack Ryder. Think about it, we have a guy with a completely ridiculous gimmick that shouldn't be anything more than a joke, but he manages to make it work through charisma and getting into his character. His character is obnoxious, and ridiculous, and yet he keeps winning matches.
You could be like that. You could become a full-out obnoxious comedy heel, misusing basketball metaphors, making terrible "burns" on your opponent, and generally being a guy that everyone wants to shut up, but never does because you keep winning. If you could get into this character and exploit its annoyingness for all its worth, you could go places. Make stupid boasts about how you pinned someone at the LL. Be as over-the-top and annoying as possible.

Alternatively, you could snap. Go completely insane and wreck stuff. Become serious and focused, with an intense promo. That's the other way to do things.

Also, proofread your RPs!! Don't try and get them in as soon as possible, try reading them over multiple times, working and reworking and spending your time on them. Minimize spelling and grammar errors. Check on the rosters and title histories.

Believe me, you have potential. You just need to realize it and work hard. Find your character, get into his head, and work on your RPs.

 

[The Doctor]

Matt Royale:
I really liked the first part. It really laid out your character and strategy, and was delivered in a relaxed, cocky manner that I enjoyed.
Unfortunately, four lines into the second part and there are already tons of typos. I could barely understand what you meant when you said "Quiet good not only did I win, but I was able to make an example of that blasphemes Scott Hammond.". You need to proofread your RPs a few times, but other than that, the second part was solid.
An enjoyable RP through and through.

 

[The Doctor]

William Teach:
A stellar return to form for one of my favorite characters. The whole RP was hilarious. I know it's just a referee RP, so there wasn't much to work with, but you took it and infused your RP with your signature personality and humor, and it was just plain fun to read. Plus, both you and Kurtesy took the joke about the giant ref shirt that I called attention to, and that's awesome.

Steven Kurtesy:
Very nice. I really like your character, a more laid-back type who still has a slight aura of zaniness like Teach, just under the surface. The fact that we don't find out what you're doing to Sandy Deserts until the end is a good Brick Joke pulled off well. Again, I know you didn't have a lot to work with, and I don't think you made the most of it as well as Teach did, but it was quite good. I'm not really a fan of your formatting, but that's a personal thing.
Good RP, through and through.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Max Karzai - Going into this match RPless, I did not understand the formation of the team between you and Lights. Considering Bowen/Obi have teamed before, it looked like just a randomly thrown match put together. I was mistaken.

First, I like the fact that you and Lights are doing joint RP's. The transition between yours and Lights RP isn't the best I've seen, but it is a transition nonetheless. Secondly, finally some proper formatting! That looks much better. I know you were trying to use the bold to highlight yourself, but that's the easy way out. Good RP in this sense... now to the content:

- The jabs of humour were good additions to the RP, really highlighting your character.
- The use of Jordan Lights was well-executed, especially how he is used sparingly.

The one thing that I can pick out and tell you constructively is that when you addressed you and Lights concerning your opponents, it seemed a little forced at times. Yes, it was decent and done well enough to consider you a threat... but saying stuff like "our personalities mesh well" is the easy way out to describe this team. It's best if you show this in your RP's together with Lights via the emotion and anything you both have in common. For instance, Second Coming believes they are better than everyone else and think they are smarter, but will help others if needed. I know this is supposed to be a team that has small differences that will provide for effect, but this is better done through a gimmick or storyline... not by saying it out aloud.

All in all, it was a good RP. If Jordan can replicate how good yours was at least, then the Joint RP as a whole will be an outstanding one and I have no doubt you and Lights will make it to the next round of the tournament. I will be watching out for this team.

 

[The Doctor]

Mr. Baller:
I'm glad to see this evolution in you character. I sincerely hope you can get out of this rut and rise above. This RP was a definite step up. I noticed some errors in language, but the tone was markedly different from your previous RPs and I think it was really good.
Maybe it wasn't good enough to win you the championship, but it was certainly good enough for you to have a strong showing.